Behavior

S10 E19: What's your [personality] type? w/ Frank James

Dateable Podcast
June 16, 2020
62
 MIN
Listen this episode on your favorite platform!
Behavior
June 16, 2020
62
 MIN

S10 E19: What's your [personality] type? w/ Frank James

Whether you're an ISFJ, ENFP, INTP, or whatever it may be, we're here with Frank James to share how your personality type impacts the way you date....

Personality types

Whether you're an ISFJ, ENFP, INTP, or whatever it may be, we're here with Frank James to share how your personality type impacts the way you date. We discuss the blind spots that each type has while dating, how we can better understand each other to resolve conflicts/ misunderstandings in relationships, and if any two types are most compatible (or incompatible).

Check out Frank'sYoutube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxc0c4cOfFmSUnzX9uY7Jww

Sponsored by Kensington’s newest title from Lorelei Parker, CRUSHING IT. You can find CRUSHING IT wherever books are sold. Find out more at Kensington Books.

Episode Transcript

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode. We'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves I'm your host, you issue. Former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating. This has been a very monumental weakened I guess monumental is that? The definition of monuments. Exciting was it big an exciting big it was it was definitely big and exciting, because it was the first time I went to a restaurant. Meal in the last three months. Wow, wow, I still haven't done it yet. I went to a park with some friends this weekend, which was really nice, but I haven't taken the next bridge to go to the restaurants yet, but they just opened this week at least where we are yeah so outdoor seating. Only we went to San. Jose Santa Cruz and lows ghettos this weekend and it was a kind of crazy. 'cause like everyone's out because they've been, you know they have cabin fever. Yeah, everything's contactless. So you scan Qr code to get your menu, so you don't share menus. You sit down. You're like definitely far away. Away from everyone, all the restaurants have some sort of like tenting or something outside, so they can capitalize on outdoor seating. Everybody had masks on. They really sanitize all the tables Napkins and everything is like clean, clean clean except what I was telling Julie earlier was they still offer shared plates which stun Achey to me, so we went out to eat brunch with some friends, and we order Guacamole, and it's like in the middle of the table, and everyone's reaching for same stuff I. Don't know I that I couldn't deal. Yeah, I'm like easing back into seeing people which are excited to see you this week, USA five away. Each other last week that I got cold feet because I went to the protest. And I was afraid of you know just if he had something, I wasn't aware of, but yeah, so I think I've been easing back in seeing people which has been really good small groups, but I'm also not sure about the Cali I feel about like big group gatherings like I was invited to a rafting trip last weekend. That also like a party like a friend of a friend's birthday party that was supposed to be a lot of people and I was just kind of like. Becoming a pass on both of these like I think I'm just like you know starting to get back out there, but baby step. Yeah, yeah, I think it's a defense on your level of company of Comfort, we. I've had a few friends texts me this weekend. Saying that this was their first date weekend. You know people are finally going on their first dates after talking to people for last couple months on dating APPS, and so I feel like every I think this weekend, we probably saw a surge and people going out, but I think everyone's kind of like. I don't know if I'm ready so maybe next week. Lesson a bit I don't know I think it's it's still like baby steps for a lot of people, and you just have to find where your boundaries are, I have a couple boundaries. One is shared plates. You know at restaurants and the other was at the AIRBNB. We stayed at there was a communal hot tub. Like, nope! Definitely, not touching about either. Yeah, it's like it's just hard. Because sometimes you just forget little things like for example I was trying to show a friend something on my phone this weekend at first I, was gonna like handed over like we never read it to you? Stinks that you're just like. Like I shouldn't be doing this. Yeah, I can't yeah. I can't be touching everything or like. It's so weird, but. Things are changing. Things are opening up I still think that we're going to have another round of quarantine later this year, so yeah I mean. They say that they just don't know like. There is like a doctor fouled. She had something out that there might be a second wave I. Mean we just don't know right? Think the true test is going to be in a couple weeks after all the protests because there were. Were like I mean some of them, not the one I was at, but like some twenty thousand people outright so a shoulder to shoulder. Yeah, I kind of feel like if we don't see a spike after that, that's a good sign. If we do then, yeah, we might be back in a more limited capacity again, but yeah, who knows I? Don't think anyone knows at this point, so just take. We can get right. But how you're dealing with the quarantine and the slowly opening up of everything is probably very dependent on your personality type.

00:05:02 - 00:10:00

Yeah, sure I think that'd be. That exists to what we're talking about today, which is actually a topic that a lot of people have written in about I? Think all of you guys love the psychology ones. We Love them, too, but I think especially during quarantine. It caused us to reexamine ourselves a bit right like. Like, how what you start personality type? How do I like interact with other people like I? Know like we're going to go into this in a lot more depth, but in introverts, extroverts like means different things in personality types, but I think one of the surprises I had was I always thought I needed to be like around people all the time and I'm like I kind of like the like a little more isolated I'm not gonNA. GonNa lie like there's definitely some benefits of it so probably an introverted extrovert. Yeah, I, definitely yeah. I get energy from people still for sure. Yes, and I'm the opposite. I'm an extroverted introvert. I can knee around other people and make other people feel like an extrovert, but they're all energy vampires for me, and I'm just depleted by the by the end of the day interesting yeah I like a cool down. Link been having difficulty when. When on video calls all day to just keep doing video but I think if I saw a friend, I would feel energized by that interest, a deadly learn a lot more about each other oh. Yes, in this episode. Her personality types and I do have to say that at the time of recording this. I had no idea what my Myers Briggs was, and I took the test, and I was exactly what I thought I was. So glad to hear that I I did you know it's interesting 'cause I will go into, but you had I compliment each other. We're like office in various ways, so we'll have to dig into more because I. Think it's. It's not just your romantic relationships. It's for us. Were friends were business partners? There's a lot of other ways that personality types play in, and we've been doing this thing that. That we give predictions, which I think has been really interesting once we recorded the episode. Like what do we think is going to happen in the future in I? Personally think in the episode we did talk about like putting your personality type on your dating profile and I think there is a danger of just leaning too much into that, but I do think there's going to start to be. Be a world where not just Myers Briggs, but multiple different inputs are basically there that will help dating profiles share different qualities that aren't just the presets that are there today I remember from the episode we did in season nine with Logan jury about the science of dating. One of the things she said is the reason why that were fixated so much unlike Hyder educationor where someone lives because. Because that's all we got onto dating APPS, so I do think there's GonNa be more of the soft qualities of who someone is that are integrated in some way how that gets executed in TVD, but I think it will be more than just Myers Briggs. There's so many different versions like he like our guest today. Frank started going off on some of them. We only time to really talk. Talk About Myers? Briggs can literally do for all the different types of tests so I think there could be a world where they kind of all come together to give more of a holistic sense of who you are and I want to just add onto that for my prediction, which is i? Think will use personality tests for empathy, training and compassion training in the future, and this is actually. Actually, really relevant to what we're experiencing in the world today, which is just trying to figure out what the world is like through someone else's shoes right because we can't be other people, so we must try our best to at least understand a little bit. This is where I think technology can really come in handy. Maybe there's VR that can help transport us into other personalities, so it can. Can Show you what the world is like for like an I, N, t j you know, and then you just press a button and you can at least some what visually see what how other people see the world and we talked about this in this episode to Julie. Where sometimes you see other people's actions, and their choice of words and behavior and you question. Are they crazy? Why are Are they so weird? But when they see you and question you in the exact same way and I guess that's how really empathy is created is when we see other people for who they are, and not just different than us. That's how we create that empathy. So this is a great episode for that and I really think it's so relevant to where we're going through in the world today. especially with black lives, matter and we had a really great town hall last week through our facebook group, just addressing some of the experiences and having people share with they've encountered and their learnings throughout this whole process, and we definitely don't want this to be a one week. Trent for us, we want to keep at the forefront of what is relevant, and it will always be relevant for us.

00:10:01 - 00:15:00

Yeah, so another shutout. Join the face booker if you haven't done. We're also bringing back the happy hour, so while the town hall was amazing to hear People's stories and really focus on the issue, one of the benefits of the facebook group is that it is a really diverse group that we can just put kind of actions into play every day by interacting with New People that we would never have met outside of this so yeah, I think people have been really. Really supportive of them. Everyone was like Gal. Let's bring him back with doing weekly, so we're GonNa have just used facebook room so yet. Join the group if you haven't already, it's been so so fun to meet all of you and the other I guess what we really want to do. Is Welcome our new listeners. There's a lot of you this week as well as last week. Thank you for. Joining us if you enjoy our content, please leave us a review. We really appreciate the reviews and the more reviews we get the more awesome guests we can get and the more content we can bring to all of you, and also of you like us Taylor friend. Fringe of the whole family tell them to join dateable family. That is a really good full circle to to Frank. Who's our guest today? Because when we reached out to him, we saw him on youtube and wanted to really like we mentioned. We really want to cover this topic and he was like. Yeah. I'm so excited. I know dateable. I saw you on of the top like podcast lists of outdated, so it's again. It's the ratings and reviews and yeah. We'd love review, but if you can even just leave, a rating literally takes new second so hopefully five stars, but give us what you feel. We deserve so yeah. Give us what you think we deserve. What we did do that I. Think We? Everybody deserves the fun of wheel. What happened was we were on a podcast called fifty one first days. Yes, so if Liza and Kimmy, it was so much fun. That episode is out now. We had a fantastic conversation about pretty much everything. We shared hot casting tips. We talked about faulk boys. We talked about like literally everything so definitely. Definitely check that out. Yeah, what dating is GonNa? Look like in the future now that we're post for eighteen and still navigating world of covid nineteen so many different things, and also I mentioned this a couple weeks ago and you know how contents been getting shift to the law, just given the time, so the episodes that we did with kind dating is also now live so. So if you WANNA, check us out there to. We talk about like best in worst dating advice that we've got in, so it's definitely something. Check out all right Julie before we get into this condo with Frank. Let's hear it from our sponsor. This episode is brought to you. By Kensington newest title from Sandra Ivy intended victim sounds juicy, right New York. Times bestselling author Alexandra IB. Ib proves her powers to terrify and titillate with really novel of pure romantic suspense about what happens in a vicious killer attempts to punish the one who got away when look like corpses start piling up. ONE CHICAGO COP makes it his mission to protect that one his former fiancee and he'll stop at nothing to put the man behind bars for good. This books perfect cocktail of. thrills complex characters and taught pacing is certain to captivate readers. If you're fan of Lisa, Jackson or Mary Burton or any true crime podcast intended victim is the book for You you can find intended victim by Alexander IB wherever books are sold out more at Kensington, books dot. com okay now. Let's get to our juicy conversation with Frank James. So today we've got Frank James here. He is thirty two years old from the Washington DC area there forever originally from there, and he is talking about how quarantine has got us, evaluating our own personality types and our partners and thinking about future partners, and he is a very popular comedy Youtube Channel About Personality Types and he's here to tell us how to understand this how to use his power for good and how we can use a personality types to improve communication in relationships, but frank. What got you interested in personality types in the first place well? US Julie. Thank you for having me on the podcast first of all. What got me into it? It was very accidental. I was just told about it by my brother. He was hanging out with some friends and he said Oh we were talking about. Personality Types Myers Briggs. We think you might be this type. So that was like in the back of my head for a while simmering marinating, and after a while, it was like maybe I should take this test. See what it's all about. I found one online took it and I got I N F J as my type.

00:15:00 - 00:20:08

And then I went back to my brother, and said what type did you say you thought I was and he was like I j, so that was like a moment. That was a moment resume. Ha! Maybe there's something to this and I just started to research it. I was going through a period in my life where I was like I didn't have much else. Going on a so I was like. Foreign teed. Exactly so I was just trying to figure. Figure myself out I was going to kind of like. A bit of a rough time, not knowing what I was doing with my lie, so it just eventually evolved into making youtube videos about it, and then people watched it, so I kept making more and here I am today before we go into dating with personality types. Obviously why we're here today, but I feel like a lot of people myself included might not even know the. The difference between the Myers Briggs in the enemy. Graham the any Graham. So can you break that down for us? Yeah, the so there's a few different personality systems that people are probably hearing about Myers Briggs, I think maybe the most popular, and that has sixteen types, and it actually goes back to the work of Carl Young back in the early nineteen hundreds dividing people based. Based on the preferences of how they view the world at like how they view reality, and then how they make decisions based on that, and then the Graham is a whole different thing that has nine different types, and that's based more on like your innate fear in life. The thing that's driving you the thing. You're trying to get away from all the time and the thing. Thing that you're always aspiring toward and that's that's very popular as well and then there's the big five which is a little less sexy, but it's scientific also where there's five personality traits that people can measure to kind of statistically say where you fall relative to everyone else so do you have one that you focus on or you kind of like an equal opportunity out? I like all of them. But I think Myers Briggs is what my my biggest interest in where most of my expertise is? Do you remember back in the day? When personality types in these personality tests were basically learning about your astrology? I really think it was just one of those things you get drunk at a party. Your personality types, but then now I think it's so much more prevalent because employers are using it for part of their recruiting, people use it for compatibility. Why do you think it's so important to know and recognize your personality type? That's a good point and a lot of people draw the comparison still to horoscopes and I think that's because people could take it like a horoscope where you just take some random tests read a profile that's very positive and makes you feel good about yourself, and then they're like. Oh Great! That's my type, and then you get drunk at a party and you're talk about it. But, when you really start to dig into it it's a really good tool for self development, especially figuring out your blind spots, because with every type sure there is a nice profile that says all the things that you do great and why you're a special person, but there is like a dark side to every type with stuff that they just you could say their weaknesses. You could say things that they don't feel responsible for and so they leave kind of these voids in their life, that causes recurring problems and so I think when you start to really learn like the nuts and bolts of type then you can, you can begin a very meaningful journey if I might use that word towards. Developing yourself you know becoming a more well rounded person who is basically responsible for every area of life when it comes to you know. How are you taking in information? And then how are you making judgments based on that another tool in your toolbox? Basically yeah, exactly so we could probably do a whole episode about all the different types of all the ones you just mentioned, but since Myers Briggs is kind of your expertise. Maybe we'll focus this around that kind of just like high level breakdown. The sixteen personality types like just in more summer. I. Assume hard by. It few seconds I would just get. More than that I guess, I mean so yeah I. Mean there's there's so many things that you could go into and people who know a lot about it would probably the I'll explain it in such a way where people who know a lot will be like. That's not the full story, but it's like you don't need the full story right now. There's other podcast for that other podcasts. Yeah. So in Myers Briggs. Each type has four letters in it, so I said my type is I n f. j, so maybe the best way to do, it would be to just go through each letter, and there's two options for each letter in the type, and I'll explain in his easy way as I can what they all mean, so the first letter is either I or e, which means introvert extrovert.

00:20:08 - 00:25:10

It's a little bit. Bit Different Myers Briggs than it is in the common meaning of those words, because introvert means like concerned with the inner world, looking inwards and extrovert is concerned with the outer world looking outwards. That's the first letter than the second letter is either in or ass, which stands for intuition or sensing, and those are the ways that we perceive the world. perceive reality. syncing is pretty easy. It's just the five senses. How do. Do, we take in information that is in the concrete world. Then intuition is like the patterns the concepts, maybe the underlying meanings, so it's a little bit beyond just what we can experience with our senses and the next letter. The third letter is either effort, T-, feeling or thinking. That's how we make decisions and feeling isn't just emotion, but it's more like What value do we place on things? Good or bad like dislike thinking? Thinking is the logic. Does this make sense? Does this work and then the last letter is probably the most sketchy wanted to J. or P., which means judging perceiving, and generally the judging types are more like organizers. They like to organize and limit things and the the P. Types are perceive irs, and they like to gather so there are a bit more chaotic. Maybe a bit more fun. You might say I don't know. But. That's like the very quick incomplete rundown of it, and it's important to note that a common thing that people say against Myers Briggs is that it's putting people into boxes because you don't just do all feeling or all sensing, or whatever and yeah, everybody does all of that everyone has an inner world and an outer world, but we're just talking about preferences like most of the time. What do you rely on? What do you go to when you have to make decisions? What information do you rely on most so the hope that was high level enough to lost in. Your Guinea pig for this for anyone who's not super familiar, so you're I N F J, which means introvert, intuition, feeling and judge. Judy Yeah. Mean you can take the Jay part to me and like you know. I like to be a bit more controlled bit more organized in in the information and things like that gives us example. Give us an example while it's sort of like for my type. Any I J type is really going to want to do this. Where all the information in the world that I. I see has to be boiled down to one thing like I'm always trying to pull everything together to come back to one idea and that that's like a very simple probably sounds like Kinda hippie dippy stuff at a very practical way. I'm not spontaneous. If I'm spontaneous, I have to have like three things that I that I'm choosing from to be spontaneous, you know. So that's like a more practical way of you have to schedule it in like spontaneous on Friday and. How does that play into your dating life or relationship? Life love to hear how he like you see your personality transferring over Yeah I. Think the biggest thing and what I have tried to do like work more towards is I don't like to do a lot of what you might call gathering like I the process of dating going through the APPS meeting. Meeting people is a lot of gathering new information in having to sort through a bunch of stuff, and that's always been very exhausting and so I've been the kind of guy who generally just tries to date as little as possible and just get into a relationship with maybe the first person that I go on a date with food doesn't annoy me so. You're not like a like a serial dater type. I'm no, not at all. So that's what I've been trying to work toward getting more toward the go on several coffee dates. You know meet a lot of people. Have you know broaden the net talk to people that I might not normally think are my cup of tea and I think a lot of people do that. Naturally I've heard of people who just like they're on dates all the time. Time and maybe they need to go the opposite direction, and maybe you know limit things down a little bit, but for me I need to go from this very narrow field that I'm always looking at and broaden it outwards, but I guess when you were talking about frank earlier with blind spots, your blind spot as a as a J. in this is that you may, you may not be open opening yourself up to like more options out. Out there right and you're 'cause. You want more control the situation and sometimes love is not in a controlled environment. So might be harder that way. You know yours I do not. I've never actually taken the test but I'm just guessing what I am, and I'll take the test afterwards just to see I've taken the tests a long time ago and I don't remember I would say probably a p in the situation more perceiving because I don't.

00:25:09 - 00:30:04

Don't have control and Mlk. Letting go control, but I do think my blind spot in this arena would be that sometimes I have a really hard time making decisions because I'm constantly asking Ooh Gimme. More I'm curious about this now. That opens up another door and I ended up not having boundaries and limits. That's where I need to narrow it down. What about you? Julie? I'm an EMT J.. I'd love to hear that out a day they. Jay Okay. So you'RE J.? J. With Frank Yeah Okay so you're more vegetables. Together, let's I. Love how we're working backwards. Most people go from the I on the EIB. No, we're going backwards. Let's go. Let's do it well. I'm more extroverted. Okay, so then all right. Let's go to the I and the since we're on that so frank urine. You're introvert and it's not exactly what people think means is not like. You're at a party and you're like a loner. At against a wall, talking to a wall what what do you think are the key differences between the I and the E. in terms dating? Oh, in terms of dating I think a lot of times. What it is is that extroverts are kind of always looking. Depending on type, it's it's always different, but in the most general sense, the extroverts are looking first and foremost at either the other person, or like the experience outside of them, as the introvert is looking first, and foremost that like what do I want or what do I think is going on here. What what are my impressions of the person and I? Think the types tend to be just more like looking outward first before they look inward to say, what do I think? Think, whereas the introverts are like a weird other way around where it's like. How do I feel about this I? Okay now. Let me see if they can prove differently. That's fascinating because I feel like this is something I pattern I had to unlearn. Is that I would always be wondering on dates. Like what does this person think of me I? Never thought like what do I actually think about them? So that was probably like some of that. E coming through. Especially, if you're in EJ, that's like a bit like because when you take the first and last letter together, that's like a way of kind of clumping all the types together in four. Groups so the EJ's in particular. Yeah, that is like an E. J. thing where it's like just always worried. What are they thinking about me? Because your whole thing is the way you operate in the world is to is to be trying to bounce things off of other people all the time, rather than go to yourself first so then it causes this fear. That's sort of like the blind spot in a way. This fear of leg Oh crap. What's going to happen when you know the spotlight's on me? You know interesting I think holly to what your point was earlier where you said that you might have to like work on having more coffee dates and being open to more of that social interaction i. feel like I can literally go and talk to anyone like no problem with that, but. But. It's more of me. Be Tuning that a little right so I'm like going on dates where it's people that I'm actually excited about and vice versa, not just coming out of it like Oh that was great, but it's not going anywhere. Yeah, exactly I mean there's there's so many other things that go into it with each type, and I also want to point out the type doesn't necessarily explain everything like you can have people in the same type who have different hangups about things just based on their experiences with dating etc, so that I just want to point that out really quick. There are lots of Yes ambivert. Right for all of us. Because we can't all be the categorized right I. mean you said it earlier like our entire personalities aren't going to be summarized by four letters right away. Yeah, it's obvious there's more than sixteen types of people in the world. We've met born you. We've met more than sixteen different types of people, so you gotta broaden your idea of what is actually trying to describe, but it does. They are like very fundamental. Things also like just what? What how do you perceive reality? It's a very fundamental thing. I also want to go back to the I e because we talked about the e, but I think the I. The blind spot which I think I'm an I and other people would disagree, but I'm definitely introvert in the sense that I'm so in my head, and I think way too much and I. almost check in with myself a little too much that I don't trust. Other people and I don't trust universal signs I have to check back in with myself, and the blind spot is I can't get out of my head sometimes when it comes to dating Yeah, interesting in you, said Pe- before right. Ip thing that IP lines. Spite is just going so all in on your own. What you think is right what you feel or what you think that you just like disregard.

00:30:04 - 00:35:00

What other people are telling you the way that I've described on my channel is like an IP will be walking down a trail, and someone will coming the other direction and said and say hey, it's splits off. Don't go laughed because it's a really rough terrain, and so I appeal. Be like great sounds good then they'll go left anyway because they're like I know listening to him. I WANNA go. Very much. I'm so bad with authority I'm so bad with other people telling me what to do or tell warning me. That's my my parents had a really hard time raising me. But that that makes a Lotta sense, so Julie. Did you know you're such a EJ while? I'm such an IP interesting that we're like the opposite, we're. Opposites attract, but I guess you what other the I mentioned one about potentially like over committing socially for dating for the e is or any other drawbacks. Watch out for if you are Anne when it comes to dating for an e type. Yeah, I mean over committing which could be something that EJ's in particular would deal with es can also just have a problem with keeping it all together like keeping it all structured following through with commitments and things like that just having so many things they want to do. Because EP's in particular. Get bored very easily, and so they just. Just want to keep going? You know experienced to experience and in dating. If an EP is trying to like date seriously and find a relationship, it can be difficult for them to actually like. Buckle down and say okay I'm going to see this person again. You know instead of going to someone new and see what what's there or even just like forgetting Oh crap! I had scheduled. You know five dates on this one day. Things like that, so those can be blind spots of e types just in general. Okay, so let's go through these biddle letters now I wanna hear or be. Or the as plus our with the intuition, yeah, and this is a contentious one. Once you once you start to get into the online communities with Myers Briggs you start to find that there are a lot of like stereotypes and stuff, and so everyone like wants to be intuitive, because it just sounds cooler. Sound. Because you know sensing is easy to comprehend. It's like what's around us. What are the facts, but intuition is like a little bit more up in the air bit more mystical, and it really is if you want to really get it super simplified as just relying more on the patterns that you've seen and the concepts that you know are in the world rather than the facts that are in front of you, so emmy and that's a big thing. Dating to that can throw you off when you meet people and. And you're like I see where this is going. Even if even if who you're seeing is like nothing like anyone else you've seen you can accidentally put together. Patterns of how things are GonNA. Unfold and like exit maybe when you shouldn't have or maybe the other way around where you overcommit because you're like. Oh, things I see how these things all fit together. That is a really stellar point because people who want to be intuitive and say that I'm very intuitive doesn't necessarily mean that your intuition is right right. and. That's probably the disconnect. Is We all WanNa be intuitive, but it doesn't mean that could just mean that. We're making up stories I think I'm intuitive in the sense that make up stories about people when I date them, and I ignore the red flags, and those are the facts that are put in front of me. Yeah, that's that's. That's the thing where people can be like. How do you just ignore facts and it's not that we don't necessarily see them. It's just that win were. Were thinking about what my most responsible to the fact that I see right in front of me or the pattern. That I have seen that you know I think is continuing here or the concept that I have created in my brain or that I've seen in the world that always seems to be a play when what trust more what I feel more responsible to following. We're all ends in this group. I was GONNA. Be Like Oh. I feel like I just have exactly what you described. Her now. It is look fusing because it starts with I, but you know already taken by introvert, so we have to go with an yeah, so what is sensing? Yeah, like what quality show up there in terms of dating? Yeah, I mean the the sensors are going to be the drawback that they might have is being too focused on appearances, perhaps or being too focused on just like the experiences that you're having with the other person rather than just seeing like. How can things unfold a? A bit more, the sensors they're blind. Spot I guess is not understanding why things are happening, sometimes, because the intuition often explains the why so the sensors will no I see what's happening in front of me, but I don't maybe understand why, so.

00:35:00 - 00:40:13

They can also not see red flags because they'll be like. Oh, I see that this person I'm dating does XYZ thing and all these other people have dated have done it, but oh, this probably doesn't mean anything. There's probably no pattern here. That can be God they have. And of course, nobody does all one or all the other, but it's still at the end of the day. When what do you prefer to rely on the fact, she in front of you or the recurring patterns that have happened. Yeah, that's interesting. It's almost like they don't read between the lines sometimes, so they miss some of the connections that they should be making their head. Okay well, we definitely see a lot of people that come to us with absolutely and I think I probably like thirty percent that sometimes to. Not Reading between the lines right or if you've ever been on a date with somebody, and it just seems like those you. You don't understand each other because you're talking about. Maybe like you know you're having a little bit of fun with some imaginative things that you're putting out there that don't have much basis in in the real world, and they're just like not having it that. That might be a mismatch based on intuition and sensing, so we also had these. Episodes where we have different perceptions of the state or a date and I feel like when you have like a mismatch here. That could definitely be when one person walk away like this was the best date ever. I never want to see that person again. Yeah, that's funny. How those those things can happen and you know that's the type a whole depending on what they've got going on. Some types of better at reading. Other people are not better at it, but it's like they've. That's what they're hyper focused on is like reading. What's going on with other people and some types? Don't care about that. That can be why that mix up happens next. Shall we go down the line yeah? As a feeling or thinking F or t yeah I think this is the easier one to understand basically when people are making decisions, do they look at the value? Is this good or bad is not not so much ethical value, but like just valuation, good or bad like or dislike it can either be. Do I like it, or does everyone else like it? One or the other and thinking is? Does this work? Work is this a good idea? Does this make sense what's interesting is that I've found that? People can be a thinking type, but be convinced. They're feeler because they're a lot of times, it's it's very sad or the other way around people who are feelers convinced they're thinkers. Because the decision, making process can often arrive at the same conclusions, and of course thinkers still WanNa make sure people are happy like let me. Me Do the thing that will make people happy, but ultimately what they feel, the most responsibility for is does this make sense I think her will and feelers. They might be like I'm just doing what makes sense, but it's really like, but for the most important thing. Is Everyone happy with this? Does everyone like this so sometimes? People obvious about it, but it can be hard to see in yourself sometimes I always. Always feel like I'm more emotionally driven than analytical yet, but I am actually a thinker in this at least yet and I think it's exactly that is that I'm not thinking about like. How does everyone feel I'm thinking more of my own feelings and emotions, and that might not be really like the definition of feeling as much right well, that's interesting, yeah, well, and each like if you go into the advanced. Honors. Class. Each type is made up of cognitive functions, which is probably too in the weeds for this discussion, but an EJ still has a feeling function, and it is introverted, so they have an extroverted thinking function, which is how they prefer to make decisions, but they're still very aware of how they feel. It's just like when it comes down to it I'm GonNa go with what seems to be making sense with everyone else what is? Is everyone else telling me works? And then what I feel about it like I hope it lines up I. Hope what they think. Lines up with what I feel, and if it does great, but ultimately I just have to go with what they want and don't yeah, so everyone is a thinker. Everyone's feel everyone's got all of it and you're frank your feeler. Yeah, in what way when it comes to dating amid with me. With me in particular and I also don't want to read too much of my personal experience into the type as a whole, but feelers can oftentimes be kind of shape, shifter's and want to Kinda get along and be a little bit more has to show their true colors, especially feelers who are Jay's or as they might not let their true self come out very much, and so I've had a lot of experiences where people like that that mismatch on a date where people thought it was going great and I kind of just like You know people thought.

00:40:13 - 00:45:01

People read a lot into me, yeah! I was really like into them. Et Cetera but I was just kind of like playing along to make sure that everyone felt good. In the moment, my ex was like that. Like that. He told me that he liked met on so many dates before would we dated? He'd be like. This is terrible, but. Nice edges couldn't ever not be there in. The girls would like think that they had like this like riveting connection, right? Yeah so for for me as a feeler, I've got to learn how to be a little bit more blunt and just and be okay with people being upset, which is a difficult know lesson to learn I think for a lot of people, and for the feelers who are who are more introverted, the Ip's and the EP's they're feeling is more like inward focused for them the problem. Problem can can be more like just going with their feeling at the expense of other people, although they are still feelers in general are very agreeable, people very nice people, but they'll have a harder time faking it I think Yes, actually. He told me this story how he met this girl. Just like new it was. They didn't agree like about anything like political or like. Core things that would make someone a partner, but then he stayed out with her all night and then. At the end of the night. She's like. Are you coming home with me and he's like? No, but like. Why would you do that like my perspective? I couldn't even fathom why someone would do. I would have been out of there in like an hour maybe. I would not have stayed, but to him. His point was like my personality I I can't say I'm like not having a good time, but I'll just kind of do it. You're like I've been there. Teasing feelers have a higher chance of building resentment because they're. They're almost like sacrificing themselves to appease the other people around them were just to avoid conflict. Yeah, they can't I mean a some feelers are better at diving into conflict and others, and some seem like they are, but ultimately it is kind of a danger for feelers that they either don't want to express what they really think, or they actually just are so used to going along with other people that they never have time to even think about their own feelings or thoughts about something because they're just trying to make the other people happy. That is definitely an issue that feelers can have where. You can have the opposite problem where you maybe need. Sugar coat things a little bit more. You know, maybe maybe do a little bit of You know white lies. You know to Greece the social wheels, etc.. I'm definitely a definitely a thinker. I. Lo- blunt some type of. Out All night with someone that you had no interest. Young and I have been told that it's. You can tell my face Oh. Yes, can I just have this disgust? Just I don't know I've seen you holds coversation wanting babe okay. Because I'm like yeah, it's. Like Oh, you is really engaging with this person and you came over, and you're like that was tear. I hate that person. Might. Like, come over, but it looks like you guys were like in the conversation. I'm a feeler in everything, but dating dating. I'm like I. Don't like you. Get out my face or I, really like you, but in in everything else I smile and act like I'm obsessed with everyone when I'm secretly hating them, 'cause I'm introverted. I rather go home survived friends in college used to give me a nickname called scrunchy face because I would just make this. Like knows movement if I liked it like something. I wear by emotions like completely by face, no matter who, with yeah yeah I think so. Absolutely think so. We went down the line. I think I am. I. What did I say I n t p. that's what I am I n. t p. we got to take the test to confirm do do that's my hypothesis if I think Julia Ian Tj up and Frank. Your I N F J. Okay, so we're all different. That's great, but I got a nice little representation here so with this information were equipped with all these skills. What do we do with them? Obviously we can talk about the blind spots each and everything, but it's like I. How do we take in this information? And then what are the next steps? There's so many different ways to go about it. Because from a simplistic overview, the N. T. types which both of you are while.

00:45:01 - 00:50:02

Yet to be confirmed up. you know the N. T. types generally need to like focus a bit more on their SF side on their sensing and feeling side to try to develop SF. atfer reason. It's like the stuff in the the feelings in the real world in the concrete world like that's I, mean in that sense so general but. To really think about it and reflect on your life, you can start to see how oh, yeah, in this situation, especially, if you are trying to be vigilant in your everyday life and catch yourself and like analyze why you're doing things you'll start to realize. Oh, yeah, I am putting thinking way in front of the feeling, and maybe I should dial it back and like do a little bit of feeling here. Maybe I should try to be a little bit more. Agreeable with people and just go along with what they what makes them. You know what what they think is good at Cetera. So how do you think this plays out with like partner selection? Do you think like opposites attract, or do you think it's people that are have similar personality make-up's jet? That is a good question and I've heard a lot of different theories, and like a lot of people say you gotTa have at least a few letters in common, and if the two middle letters are the. The same. That's good because it's sort of like you. You see the world and act in it in very similar ways so you can you get each other on that level? There's also something to be said for when you get into the more advanced stuff that having people who are kind of more opposite who have different letters than you. For example, an I J type, which is very controlled and organiz matching up with an EP type WHO's like more all over the place. That can be really good. Where yeah opposites attract you bring out a lot of different stuff in each other and on my channel. That's like the vast majority of questions I get I do. Live streams on my channel on Saturdays and people. Ask me all these questions about dating. And how do these types match up and try to tell people like ultimately you can be partners with anybody like any type pairing could work because ultimately if you can trust someone and communicate with them. That's what a relationship needs, but the type aspect that. That type dynamics can give you a little bit of extra spark, or maybe turned you off from someone from the get. Go can make communication a little bit easier. So like in the most general sense I would say having at least one of the two letters in the middle. Being the same can help making things. Start off with a good spark went once. You become aware of this stuff, which is why it's a little bit dangerous to get into typology because you can't get it out of your mind after. After you've learned it a bit, but you start to meet people and you realize I'm not getting along with this person. And why is that and you realize? Oh, I'm an NF type. They seem to be at least in this moment acting like an st type like we're not talking the same language at all. or You could be like. Why am I getting along with this person so well? Oh we both have the same middle letters, the NF stuff going on her for you guys. You get along so well because it's you have the in T. in the middle you both are doing the intuition and thinking you get each other on that level in dating I. Think the biggest thing that you can take away from it even if even if we're not looking at specific type pairings is just realizing people are different, and instead of being like. Oh, they're weird like they're. They're Weirdos I can't get along with them because they don't. You know something's wrong with them. You start to realize. It's their type and you can do these weird things. These little experiments where you're like I think this person. Is this type? I'm going to kind of talk to them in their language and see how they respond and in my experience. I've found like. Oh, I can get along with them a lot better because I've kind of guest that what type they might be an guest somewhat right, and that got me a little bit further along to understanding them to. To getting along with them and generally that's what I think is the best thing about typology besides the self development part is understanding others having more patients for others being able to realize that they just see things differently. They make decisions differently, and that can be very powerful in dating to open up to new possibilities of partners, and it could also be just good everyday life with friends with coworkers, et Cetera. Yeah, and I imagine managing conflicts. Could how when you? You hard and actual relationship like understanding where they're coming from a little better could really help kind of guide that along right, and the the other thing is like you know. Each type has blind spots, and those blind spots come with fears, because it's almost like you instinctively know you have a blind spot, and so you'll have certain people who are freaking out about something that you would never freak out about.

00:50:02 - 00:55:20

It's like you know okay. Your computer doesn't work why. Why you freaking out about that, but to them it's very real you know, or it's like someone else. freaks out because someone said something mean to them at You know the store and to you. It's like okay, I can see that's a little upsetting. But why are you fuming about it two days later? But to them? It's like a very real thing, and it can help to just have more compassion for people to realize. They're not just weird villain. Coming from that very innate type fear that they have That's really fascinating so D- in your experience. Do you think that this sort of learning each other's language and developing compassion empathy works across the board, or are there certain types that should just not match with the other type? Just bad cocktail of types I wouldn't. Any two types of should never ever get together, but I think that there are types where it's going to be maybe a little bit of a struggle, but. It all really depends. If you're I think it's a lot different. If you get to know someone in an organic way, real life as opposed to meeting on the APPS I think when you're doing kind of the you know app kind of dating where you're really trying to sort through people quickly type becomes more parent, and it's harder to get along with people who are very different, whereas if you meet someone like through some kind of club you're in or you're just happened to be around them all the. The time you build experiences together, you could be incompatible quote, unquote types, but still get along because you have the the shared experiences, and you've got to know each other without the pressure of crap I gotta figure out who's going to be my partner forever so Yeah, so I would never say. Don't match with someone cousins your type. In fact, I would say maybe the worst match is your own type. Because you're so similar that you might like, it might be like the blind leading the blind. Date to? Each other off a cliff there. Do you think people should put their personality type in their dating profiles? Fat is a really interesting question. 'CAUSE I I've seen it a lot on the profiles. Action is I. Don't WanNa, see it. You don't WanNa see even as a guy who is like really into it. It's because I feel like a lot of people use it as a shorthand for Hughes who I am, and then they don't a lot of work into their Scott I think you can put it in there in a way. If you have a good profile already and as a quirky fun thing, you're like you know I love personality stuff. Here's my type. What's yours? That could be a good conversation started, but I see so many people who just say. I'm an I N T J, and then like it's like okay Lee that. Doesn't mean much 'cause it's also like people you know when you take tests online. Unless you're being very honest with yourself and the answers, you could get the wrong. The wrong answers home people telling me there type doesn't tell me a whole lot. We did something like this at work and I. Remember like before. They gave you your results. They were like we do not want to hear people being I m this this. because. It doesn't define you as a person right just an insight into your personality so I think just we should kickoff some takeaways, and then I definitely want to leave people with resources where they can learn some more, but I think like my biggest takeaway from this whole conversation is used the personality types to learn more about yourself in understand your blind spots especially when it comes to dating in, see where you can kind of gain more empathy for other people gain more empathy for yourself through it, and then also like us this when you're actually in relationship to. To, understand the person or to at least start a conversation, maybe you will understand everything from their letters, but it can at least give you perspective of where they're coming from could frame the conversations in a way that is healthy that you guys can kind of further discuss what can work for you as a couple. Yeah, that's that's a really great takeaway. I think I would piggyback on that and say that it's so great to be equipped with these tools to learn more about yourself and the people around you, but also notes capturing you at a moment in. In time, it could be your personality right now. Going through quarantine during covid during a time social injustice and I think it's good to do these tests every three to six months, and you can track your patterns. Maybe you just go more. The N.. T. by your Ip changes quite a bit. That's a great way to learn about the patterns that you are creating for yourself and I think the what you said. Frank creating empathy and compassion about the other people where you think they might be weird or I can't believe they think that way. That's such A. A great point and one I think one tool we can really use is to go back to the Myers Briggs tests and these personality tests, and when you check your answer for each question, look at the options for the other answers and put yourself in those answers shoes and think Oh, if I were to check this box, how would I view the world now? I actually think the tests.

00:55:20 - 01:00:04

The answers that you don't check provides so much more insight into the world and the people around you and I think we can use that as a tool as well. That is a really great point because I. Think sometimes when we take those tests for like Oh they just put those answers there is like. A joke answers. Who would ever do that? Right but when they're not. Selective. Right and especially as we're talking about this, in relation to dating the odds of you being with someone that is exactly your type in that might not even be good in the scheme Jones to be with someone identical to you. It's even more important to see what the other options are. You can start relating to people right to ceiling. The spectrum of the way that people are are seeing the world and the spectrum of how they can be wired. Yeah, it's very important so I. Know You live? Live and breathe this stuff, but you have any takeaways that you are lashed. Parting words that you WANNA. Share with everyone with personality types in dating I think it's good to have this as a tool in your back pocket, I don't think that it's the end all be all I. Know a Lotta. People like get really into it I. Think it's like a shortcut for many people are like dating a so hard. I need shortcut defined. Who's my right person and personality? Stuff isn't so much going to. Be The magic bullet for you, but it can definitely help with a lot of other. Things you can do to be working on yourself and helping to understand the people so just want to emphasize that like I've said many times before. And I say it because so many detractors make it sound like us. Enthusiasts personality types of trying to say like everything. It's not everything, but it's a lot, and it helps and if people want to join your livestream. That's on Saturdays at what time usually it is the round. It's you're such an after. I do it at noon on. Saturdays noon. East Coast time in the US on Saturdays and. The short linked to get to my channel on Youtube as IFJ. Dot Me, slash sub SUV and they can also just look up your name on Youtube to Frank James it. Yeah, if you just go to Youtube and type in Frank James my face with pop up everywhere my face from two years ago when I had long greasy hair as well as my face now when it happened more. Better Haircut, so that's how we found you. Your videos are hilarious. Too I. think that's the thing. We wanted a mix of someone that knew their shed a knew what they were talking about, but also someone that could deliver it in an entertaining in relatable way. I just love that. If someone googles you that this article on Cora pops up where someone they're like arguing if you're actually an I an F J. Wounds like. Did you know he's? Really think is. P and I don't i. don't believe this. It's A. It's a point of contention. A lot of people in the Myers. Briggs World Online, they like to debate type. It would make a good story if I was miss typed, wouldn't it? You know. I mean that's your biggest scandal. That comes out I. Think you're in good shape I think you're. Still Sleep at night outside of your Youtube Channel. Do you have any other resources that helped do that could like help. Other people just get more awareness jar of. Through a lot of different means and I think if we you know online, there are a ton of different places that pop up. I know that Trudy is one tru it. Wide Dot Com is one that comes up is a good resource for people I have a buddy. His name is Eric. Thor with a K. H., O. R.! He has like his own thing going on, and it's a bit more advanced. Advanced, but he has a lot of good stuff I've learned a lot from another program called objective personality. They have a class bait. The thing is once you get into it realize there's a everyone has their own take on it, and then if you just get a book, that can be good. There's like the official Myers Briggs, book that a lot of people read a good start is gift differing and That's like the official. If you want the pure stuff, and if you WANNA, go way back, you can read Carl Jung's psychological types, and that's where it all started, and it's. It's actually Kinda short as a little bit difficult to understand if you're Newbie, but it's. It's definitely very insightful. Awesome! Thank you fabulous. Thanks so much frank, and if you enjoy this episode, enjoyed our conversation with frank.

01:00:04 - 01:02:22

Then please leave us a review in apple podcasts. We were able to get frank because he read the reviews and said yes. These girls are legit. A real podcast I will go on it. I will give them my time so the more reviews we get, the more guests like frank were able to get as well. You don't want. Leave us a review. Just take two seconds. Give us five stars. We won't take anything less. Regard. Such an iceberg frank where we approached he's I listened to your podcast. I'm so excited so I think the war Fred's. You can keep telling about the podcasts that also unlocks better gas in just allows us to continue to grow. Yeah, and whether you're an I N F J. J I N T P ABCD, would ever you are? We want to hear your perspective. This is your platform to tell your stories and share your perspective with everyone else, so if you want to be guest on our show, just head to our podcast website. A website. is about our podcast. DATEABLE PODCASTS DOT COM. Thanks again, frank for your time it had. We'll head over to your youtube page very shortly after that Austin will link in your bio two. It'll be in the show notes also. We're going to wrap it up now, stay. Oh. The database podcast is part of the FROLIC podcast network. Find more podcasts. You'll love at frolic. Dot Media Slash podcasts want to continue the conversation I follow us on Instagram, facebook, and twitter with the handle at dateable podcast tag an any post with a Hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those pose then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com there you'll find all the episodes. Episodes as walls, articles, videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts, you can also find our premium why series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums also downloadable for free on spotify apple podcast. Google play cast stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.