Dating

S9E13: Eternal Bachelor

Dateable Podcast
November 5, 2019
80
 MIN
Listen this episode on your favorite platform!
Dating
November 5, 2019
80
 MIN

S9E13: Eternal Bachelor

We discuss the context of where you meet someone, the perception of age, and how our own belief systems impact our relationships.

Eternal Bachelor

Join us as we talk to Michel about his bachelor lifestyle and his existential debate between clubbing every weekend vs. settling down. We discuss the context of where you meet someone, the perception of age, and how our own belief systems impact our relationships.

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Episode Transcript

Season 9 Episode 13: Eternal Bachelor

00:00:00 - 00:05:03

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating. Sometimes we find our guests through emails or facebook or we're through connections or sometimes Julian I go out there and pick up our guests. And that's exactly yeah. We picked up our guest today. We were at daybreak events. uh-huh there to pick him up Very good question. Michael What do you think for action. ooh Say Michael approached US said there was an absolutely no drinking. At Daybreak Gregory event there was no alcohol involved. Are you taking clothes off already. How how everyone to get a good view our really comfortable? This is like really gonNA pickups come after me for this the FC FCC coming up Krio breaking any rules of decency here. Why are we making the laws? It's GONNA be violated in any way doing something or indecent word guys Nice. Maybe you should tell us what you think is Jesus in way more adventurous. Now than when I met you more adventurous steal wash melody recall that night that romantic daybreak. Or you've been to happen at grace cathedral absolutely no alcohol involved. I believe I was eating Vegan protein bars or some yeah. I was like taking shots of a Vegan town a cow. Okay John. I was on a journey. I was on a Vegan journey. Ernie over and you came over. You ask how this rink was or something like that. Maybe that was your pickup line so Dushi but when Julian I start talking to you a was it was very clear that you are of a certain archetype. Yeah the bachelor a A definition of what a bachelor is a bachelor. According to urban dictionary is an unmarried man. Single most of the time of the ultimate ultimate player of Woman's dream man always women's dream apparently according to urban dictionary. You know they're always correct and also a flirt on almost every occasion almost every occasion like that little caveat not always maybe not at church unless daybreak agree that so I guess you're the ultimate Bachelor Michael and before you want to defend yourself. He wants to for some reason. Can I just want to disabuse anybody listening. Begging the my life is anywhere near as exciting. As the way your IRA the way you described in your life to us that night it was already damaged guys seem to think of some kind of Casanovas meets Wilt Chamberlain when we're GONNA find out on this podcast art uh-huh using that. You will see Michael in case you didn't know your forty eight years old. He's as many San Francisco. MM for fifteen years originally from Arizona single and actively going on dates. That's the part that wasn't right. My I don't really go on dates. Okay you just pick up people. Well people have very rare for me to go on dates house another option that said like single will orbit. So I'm taking a sabbatical but that wasn't what would you describe yourself as well meet girls where I meet. Girls Authors like Maybe like invite them over to my place. I mean maybe count that as a day or at hookup. You're more of a hook. That's not an option on so we need to make a third. We me. She'll bring that in our listeners. Don't really know what we're talking about. Because we sent all of our guests this form to fill out beforehand hand and as part of it you have to tell us your relationship status and I guess what he also said that. There were no felony convictions. I might have shaded the truth but I think there was another form I thought ours. Yeah but maybe at that from now on the end so glad I invited. Did you to my apartment. Michael I WANNA be moving tomorrow. So why don't we talk about. We're recording this on a Sunday pretty late in the day but you. You seem like you've had a pretty good night. This is actually early in the day. I was like in bed until like twenty minutes ago. Where embed alone Osbert alone would not last night? Not every weekend is a stunning.

00:05:03 - 00:10:08

Hit it out of the park success. Okay sorry about the better story for you. What last tonight was the club scene and then after hours type parties and stuff and you know ended late like a nine morning and so that I had nine in the morning I got to bed at like ten thirty and so my guy. I'm on like hours of sleep here with you guys. Wow So don't take advantage. Is this like `continuing weekend like do you like what do you do like. That's that's most every Saturday for sure and unlike some Friday for anybody who always complains about the night live in San Francisco. Maybe you're just not going to the right places because you can party told nine. AM here well if you look good house music. San Francisco's like a tree can go all night long until will actually go to parties. That started at six in the morning. I don't know if him and this is pretty much every weekend. I don't do that I call it at six six. Am Six yeah okay so at these events like our shows like who are you meeting like. What's the demographic like? How often do they turn to people that? You're hunting How often version click through click through rate on an average weekend like probably authored of the weekends? Maybe something good will have a pretty good too. It's not I wouldn't say it's like quarter two third there's like streaks where like every weekend will be like a good weekend select three or four months in a row or something and I'll be like what's going on here but then then they'll be a month when like nothing of so. What really struck us when we met you is that you are forty eight and have no intentions of looking for something drew? Fire call a different conversational enough. I I recall you saying enough this Credit Agricole you saying that you really love this lifestyle right now. But there's another side of you that wonders if you should be settling down now in meeting someone for the long haul bed at least give me some credit. What's really going on saving me? What do you think you said to us? Otherwise Sterling reputation was being besmirched yet. I don't think about your reputation. It's a lifestyle choice as your lifestyle choice. Yes I do. Choose that lifestyle. Wow this true but as Julius saying I would like to not choose that lifestyle at some point why is that oh I would like to have a family kids just like like my parents did with me. I'm lucky to have very good parents. Who are you know together still together have always been together and set a good example on created a very nurturing household and did a great job despite what you see in front of you actually did like decent job of raising me and so I want to be like them? Okay my question for you though. Do you need women primarily at clubs like where'd y'all Globes or online so caters Okay kick you. Booed are used for a while still like very occasionally but you use enough for data in use until I hang out I guess like at least to me would feel like it was looking for something more casual not what you just said. Why do you think there's a little bit of a discrepancy well? Having looked for something else What would I do too? What would I do if I were beyond an APP? Say That you're looking for a relationship. Women dinners like go onto them online China or in person or in person in a place that was in a club till nine in the morning wine nice girls go to clubs not a nice girls about the context of where you meet people. Yeah in the age. I would also guessing. It's a younger crowd right. You're younger than me. I think. Honestly it's younger than the two of us. I remember. Now when you really like the twenty year olds you remind me of so. I pulled up this quote from doing or early Thirties. I pulled this quote from days confused when Matthew mcconnahey I said that's what I love about high school girls. Man I get older. They stay the same age. I feel like you are going after high school girls but let's just make they couldn't take worse. Hit it just sending but I remember during our conversation you said. I've really get along with younger. Our girls because we have very similar interests and lifestyle. Did I say yeah. There's truth to that. There's some overlap in interest in lifestyles with like younger girls. That are in there even as is young like early twenties for sure but I think if I wanted to date a girl it would be a girl in her late twenties early thirties. Date someone for idea time and what happened with that relationship. That was a catastrophe. Yeah why I was not a good boyfriend and I wasted her time and we did that. Like three years should have broken up quickly. And didn't I'm sure lots of people have that same wasted her time. Well because I knew fairly quickly that we were going to get married kids and a family and all that and she was late twenties of time so it would have been better for her for me and certainly better for her if we have ended that more quickly.

00:10:08 - 00:15:09

Have you ever met anybody that you thought. This could be marriage material. Yeah I do occasionally meet girls that I hook up with that. I really do like that. I think maybe let's try dating but but nothing has come of those. Why is I don't know maybe they're interested in the same thing? Maybe they're interested in only like two and so they're not mentioned anything more more serious comedies hookups. Not Pan out into relationship. What happens to them? The last one I can think of a few weeks ago. Actually the girl was sort of still in another other relationship. I think with a guy who she really thought that she liked along and so like it ended up being like a one time thing because of that and she had actually told let me of girls are so. She'd actually told me that she had a boyfriend at the time that we out. So you're just going after girls who are not available. I'm really not I'm going after girls girls who absolutely are available despite they're saying that they're not available because what a girl says and what a girl's behavior as are often the communists she said she you know I have a a guy that I'm seeing well law but she still hooked up with me at the event that I met her and then later spent the night my place week or two later so girls will say frequently like a running joke among guys but girls will say. Oh but I have a boyfriend. Oh I don't do this and then they sign true. I don't I don't know I don't think it's just women. I think people in general what they say in what they do is always different. Is it just because people want their cake and eat it too. They Kinda WanNa be in something something kind of stable but they also want to have their fun to think. It's you knew like consciously use sometimes feel like you should be doing something and then if that should actually pans out to what you do is a different story. I mean that happens all the time. Not just in romantic said eggs. It's like the way people like us like tech products or A. It's like what they're actually saying. They want in something is not always what they want. That's what makes dating so complicated as because you never know where someone is in their dating journey into a Listen at all because Actions that girl says she has a boyfriend or a seeing something like Oh cool MEK Slough next next question next subject next. How what would you do if you met? A Guy. said he had a girlfriend. I would totally leave it alone. Totally right like it would be a no brainer but like okay. He's he's now either tonic. Absolutely I'd be like I'm not going there. That's so interesting I think women have All now go ahead and make controversial statements and say that I think women have a bit of a greater capacity for self delusion than guys do women will fool themselves into light. I think there is a motivation to feel like. They're not doing something that they shouldn't be doing. So so they'll say certain things to make themselves feel like. Oh but I told him I had a boyfriend and he just kept hitting on me and so eventually light so much pressure like so I I did it. I went Komo But it wasn't because I wanted to. He knew I had a wife like they can. Maybe tell themselves that story so yes on one hand there. Are Women like that. There are men like that on the other hand. I I think you attract women like that. Maybe maybe that's probably why you are in this behavior and it's not just me other guys will tell you this. So let's talk about a woman that is available global that you hook up with. She doesn't have a boyfriend. Yeah you hit it off you hooked up. What happens next so that happened? Well for instance the last girl that I dated the heather like relationship with was Dudley in that category. Yeah the one that you didn't WanNA marry to write in having gone into a relationship with what happens typically way gosh. I'm trying to think of the last time that that happened. where I really thought I liked somebody? And then it didn't work out. Yeah it could be the girl that track. As the one. Before that she was from New Zealand I met her at club again. Lay couple nights of hanging out And then she liked I think left the country. Okay so again come on not available so okay at least from my personal experience. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. When I was in the stage of life that I would meet people at bars ars and just hook up with them? I didn't know if I like them or not because I didn't really ever get to know that much. I didn't have a conversation with them. Because you're in a loud setting like it was more of a physical physical and I'm attracted to your attracted me were hooking up and they never seem to go anywhere like assumed it was more of like a one night stand or casual. Do you feel like because of the setting you're for in that happens to Redo feel actually talk informed connections with these women. Oh I don't necessarily like form a great connection where I know that I really like them a lot. Lot more than just to sleep with at the club. But what I can tell at the club right away within Madagascar the same way within thirty seconds you can tell whether someone's like attitude attitude and personality are compatible with ours you know right away with the click with somebody on a at least a casual level. Now I don't know if you necessarily like share common values that would be a necessary condition for raising kids together and that kind of thing you don't know that until you get to like see their character more deeply In that's outside of a club.

00:15:09 - 00:20:09

So Oh when I say that I like to grow means I got past the first stage of light. Actually seeing that our personalities were at least compatible in a casual way and then maybe got an impression oppression that they actually had some depth to them as well. Okay at some later point after outside the club in further conversations further do these conversations. Go I remember you telling US outside of the relationship you had for three years. You haven't slept with someone for more than three times. jobbers not exactly right but segments right. There's one girl who have slept with like eight or ten times over many years over many years right. Here's an aside from that. Yeah probably no more than the three ever except for the girl that I dated. So how'd you deeper with someone if you only have seen them so many times which is not that much some point it becomes evident that you don't really have that shared you know whatever it is that you need to have shared in order to that can happen certainly within like a couple times of seeing somebody where you're just like. I'm not really not impressed with that. Person mentioned earlier though that you don't go on date yarn. How do you get to the level of deciding that this person isn't the fat? Not I mean it's not that I don't go on dates okay. Flip that's not like the majority of interactions. I have with women while she can have meaningful interactions with people that aren't on dates when you like hang out at your place talking and even and if it's in bed do not like having sex hundred percent through that you happen to be in the other person's presence like his discussion thing going on your and I'm like type of person that asks a a Lotta questions has a lot of conversation with people so I can tell right away where they're pretty quickly within a short time. It only takes a short time to see whether or not you click on like a very basic casual level but then it doesn't take too much more time than that to see where persons had is that. Are they like intellectually stimulating. They curious people. Do they have an interest in discussing cussing topics in light. Yeah do that various mind. Are they interested in like exploring ideas and these are things that are like work to me for him how to build it with the person and you can tell that pretty quickly you got it so that makes sense. You don't feel like you need to go on dates. You're getting this information. You can get in Huntersville without without having a formal you up-to-date on Saturday kind of thing. So I guess the part that I'm still trying to understand is like if I was a woman and I never got asked on a date early anything that was outside of the bedroom federal and a bedroom or nightlife setting. I don't I just would automatically not take that person seriously but it sounds like you do want marriage you do want children. How Oh you do you do you do you? Are you offering You available all the sudden. FYI for listeners. I was told that She was not single. Spend so apparently the you know yeah I just in one ear out the other dog the same thing. It doesn't matter. This is something I struggle with personally. So I'm not trying to put this on Michael but sometimes as it like. Should I do this or do I actually want to do this So this idea of marriage is something like I should do because my parents would love it. My family will love it expected. I probably WANNA WANNA be married when I'm like eighty bright but this is something that I actually want. I don't know right. All those things are true. Yes do feel all those reasons. Yeah but I think there's also internal I don't think it's completely external pressure that is making me feel like I'd like to get married and have a family. I think. I think I do want so realistically. If you do get married and have kids. When would you like to have these kids well? Yeah soon right because Getting any younger over here and also the dictates who you end up marrying because you almost have to date a little bit younger of do while younger because you wanna you want. Want than to be a fertile age. Oh well younger than like thirty five or thirty seven or something prang. Whatever or yeah so do you think about that or did I just put that in your hat? No but I. It's never been like a contradiction of been like. Oh this girl is forty five and I really want to date her but now I can't because she's like too old to have kids now. I've never for like had an inclination to date anybody. That's not or hook up with anybody that's not in that age. Group hooked up with a forty five year old. You know if I had to like try to think about who the oldest was asked that I have ever what comes to the top of my head is when I was like twenty eight. There was a girl that was like forty ready to basically I seduced me. I used to throw parties in San Francisco and she And I was throwing one of my parties. It was at a place called big heart city which is now bloomfield. Komo or Westfield feels it is the Bloomberg laws in Westfield in your forties.

00:20:09 - 00:25:09

Have you dated anyone. That's close to forty eight zero. Why is that Bison? Why do you gravitate younger women? No I'm curious because there's a autumn men that actually say they want someone at their age. They feel like new ally ruled. They feel like that person is the same intellectual capacity. Stay life stage sage emotional wellbeing all that. I've heard that some guys that are guys that are forty plus in her like Oh yeah first choice. Dating Alan is a woman who's over four Mary. Yeah Yeah married. Mary and then play order of kids now and people that are thirties. They Wanna be with someone around my age also like. That's not an uncommon thing. I think that one very interesting Graph that you could look at was published. I think by okay. Cupid which I think I mentioned this once you wear it. Shows was a graph of age preferences by gender and age so there's a graph for dies on a graph for girls in the graph for women shows what at age group of men women prefer at a given age of their lives and it is a roughly linear graph. meaning that like as the woman's age increases multi wants a man for your for roughly every year. That woman gets older. She wants a man. That's a year older than the woman does. WHO's a year younger? Manera and that age tends to be like a couple years older than she is. Yeah Yeah So. The graph looks like a sloped at forty five three and align and rising up into the right and if you do the same graph for men. It's a flat line at twenty two Alec every guy based on their actions not based on their words based on their actions actions on okay Cuba who they actually correspond with who they send messages to. Okay now. This is cupid. This is not a random selection of men. This men were on the dating platform so they found that like men of no matter what their age their most common preference is like twenty two to twenty four year old at physical attraction. Line men are always always wanting younger or mo mo most men physically are attracted a younger but when you look at how many of these turn into relationships. I know I'm not speaking for all men but a lot of my guy friends say I dated younger women but I preferred to settle down or have a relationship with some more age appropriate to say like a car hook up with someone younger who they see themselves with long-term because they don't have that same like would also say part of it is because these these younger women at the twenty two to twenty four age range aren't looking for relationships either right. That's why I wouldn't sit back what's up. I am not interested in in like dating to marry a twenty two or twenty four year old but a girl. That's like twenty nine to thirty one or thirty two. Yes when you asked about due date women. You're on edge. That'd be like over forty forty. That's still a big gap. Even nine to thirty to forty eight is a pretty big gap I guess why. Why is that? Like what is the reason wall all because I do think A woman that looks good when she's thirty one is hotter to me the woman who looks as good when she's she's just like we don't look at when you're twenty one. Fuck is wrong with you like you really like. That's your time to look great if you still look good when you're thirty one or thirty two that's to me. More impressive haul trusted forty one but looks thirty. We're not gonNA have kids so again. The kids play into this whole thing. Okay got got it but physically you like some obviously looks younger. That's what you're saying like you know. I guess it's standard measures of like attractiveness. I think that I probably share with most guys'll so yes most men are attracted to women who are like youthful in their appearance. I guess and it is. I think everybody knows as we we get older. It's like harder takes more effort Or more luck to maintain an and unlike. Yeah there is fundamentally like more in common with woman who's you know in working for a few years Who has had more life experiences as read more and experienced more? WHO's thirty one instead of twenty one? So Oh all of those things. Combine to kind of make me think that most desirable for me would be a woman who is like for marriage Um family would be in that age range and not twenty two. So do you think this stands as you get older. Do you think like in twelve years when you're sixty you're still going to say. I prefer the early Thirties woman. If you're still single men will crystal ball I do not have but I hopefully I won't be single. One person can always be like this is my preference right but you obviously need someone that also feels that to what is it that makes a thirty one year old. WanNa be with someone. That's let's forty eight of course because I mean I'm not again I personally don't think that it I think age like depends so much on the person like I will come off youthful.

00:25:09 - 00:30:06

That are older older than you may think so. I don't think there's always a set bound but if we're talking about pure biological reasoning the same reason you want someone younger because they can reproduce reproduce. They're gonNA say well. My husband will die faster because there are. They won't be able to be an old dad. How do you combat that and why not find someone? That's kind China. If I was if I was that you know eligible thirty one year old woman. I know that I would definitely have if I was being very practical. I'd probably have an interest in a guy that was a few years older than me but not fifteen sixteen eighteen years older so when these thirty one year old student with you what do you think their intentions engines are then. Well like the last girl that I did. Yes she wanted to like commemorated. Hope I mean. I think it won't hurt them of kids. Won't the boyfriend know that I dated. You're asking about religious relationship but actually like happened young so that was the one I can point to like yes. She was now at the time I was does not forty eight. I was like forty five or forty. Four she was twenty. Six twin. Sal should after seven bake age gap though twenty seven seven to forty five young. I mean it's I think if you're a woman Guadagno you can speak on better than I can but I think the age gap APP is probably you know there's fundamental biological reasons. Why a guy of a certain age is not necessarily excluded from consideration whereas a a girl a certain age is you know there's find it so ironic that like there's like such scrutiny on age when you're like working against that also also I just find it really interesting? Reason is really simple though. There's like biological basis for that. But do you think this is why you haven't met that person to get Mary Retu- because it away there's like a smaller gap of people that are willing to go yachts fifty years you're excluding a bunch of eligible people because because you don't want to date some thirty one and where thirty three or thirty are these girls hanging out the places you're too right right once. The thirty three three year olds. Who are ready to get married? I don't know if I'm GonNa date someone much older. There has to be some benefits into that where the guy should should be more mature he stable. Yep He's ready for a family but then there's kind of like when they get too old. I don't want my husband to die so fast or being old dad of kids. That are teenagers another dad pass away right or have people think that he's the GRANDPA you know so it's like there's something nice dating older older but then like there's there's kind of a cap for how old this is also thinking on. I mean I guess if you ultimately just no you really want kids and that is your ultimate goal and that's all that is I just this conversation's very cap to that. Yeah like I think personally like you say thirty three besides the biological. What's the difference of meeting thirty-three-year-old Eighty three versus thirty four verse? Thirty five hundred maturing number right. I didn't mean to actually put like a hard kappa thirty one. I was thinking about that number of does like sort of like a good meeting hut a Yelich a good example of like if I had to choose sure there's like oh I don't know like a bell curve. Where if a woman is like a bit older than that would still be like within range even a little bit younger be within thin rain but then like too far away from there and then I have like the various objections? Take kids primarily the biological. Yeah on the older side it would be because as of light kids and on the younger side it would tell off because don't want to get into a relationship with a nineteen year old girl. I don't be fine for some just like a nineteen year. Old Girl or a younger girl is going to change a lot from age. Eighteen to twenty seven. What she wants when she's nineteen eighteen? Yeah is not gonNA like. You're setting yourself up. I I think guys who do that are like being very short due the twenty seven to thirty a huge growth time time I've changed so much in those twenty five thirty twenty five major milestone three women. I mean I don't want women women want to speak for all men. I feel that way. You feel that is so it might not be everyone but I know a lot of friends that have felt like those years have really define them. Or what have you met a woman who's closer to your age fraser eggs and looks damn good verage woo. I haven't thought about that but I know that the bat is becoming more and more more common. I haven't thought about it. Think about it now. I know why I guess I'm traditional additional. Would you need what I got twenty five minutes.

00:30:06 - 00:35:05

Everybody I'm super traditional traditional guy family. Only man no I. I don't know I just feel like I'd rather not go down in the In the science route. Yes Oh you want her to leave naturally fertile you. What about a woman who's closer to your age? Looks Damn good for her age and has kids no chance because because you want your own case chester that would end it like before even you never go for a woman gets even. She's twenty. She must not even really interested. You'd like hooking up so much even girls that have kids like if it was you never having your own family versus taking this like taking on this additional family you would prefer never have your own family. Yes why that's important to you know again like the only thing I could think of trying to like rationally figure it is you you know of Lucian knowledgeable biological jeans reasons for that. I don't know if anyone's biologically inclined to do that. Maybe some people do that. Yeah kind of his fundamentally on counter to your instincts to reproduce okay. So we're talking about time. You feel like you time clock like feel like oh all well yes not like a time clock to reproduce or just a time clock to attract this woman. You want someone in their thirties. We asked her and fifty fifty. Do you feel like that will impact your ability to get that armed suspected already house. So what are you doing about it. but clearly not enough house like I don't know I mean you look really hot and I will say this is a this is like what I see in you. Michael is that you are. You've you've got like half old school values and then non traditional lifestyle and there's a internal conflict there because the handlers and I want that's why when you asked me this question at that party I I think I described as a secondary desire. Yeah decided second. Primary desire is expressed by what you actually do hooking up. Yeah and then you wish that you really he wanted. I see guys who have girlfriends who are stable with their girlfriends that they usually end up broken up at some point but like it clearly looks stable from the outside. Can't tell you how many times anyway we all have right your friends that are of course. We can't judge other couples. I I have no idea yeah And you see that and and you say gosh. I wish I was like that guy. I wish I was like you know. Joe Who's like God girlfriend and seems uh-huh very happy with her and doesn't feel like that. His independence is being constrained in such a way that he feels that in order to escape us like random hookups cheating on his girlfriend or wife in order to Fulfil himself like he seems happy in his situation and all that. I wish that it was me. I wish I was like that. A wish that I didn't have the urge to chase every hot girl. I see that is so interesting. Because you're basically projecting. Take your fears about a relationship onto what you see in your friends relationships. So basically you're saying on so I'm afraid of being in a committed relationship ship where I feel trapped and feel like I have to sacrifice this bachelor lifestyle and I feel like she's not enough to point where have to cheat on her or want to cheat on her. Just that is absolutely a fear that prevents me has prevented me from being successful relationships. By you've told us from from the beginning that your parents are perfectly happily married lime example right air I have like I said I have friends who seemed to be a model title of this as well and I wish that I was like. I wish I was like my dad. I wish I was like my buddy Jo. I wish I was like that's why I call it a secondary desire because I want up to go mess around with like lots of women but I wish that I didn't believe I have a secondary wish to not have the. I wish I was going to go mess around. So what's your belief system. Then do you believe that you just haven't met that girl or do you think that this is the way you are all right. Let's pause episode. I have a message for all your bachelors. You want to be successful as here on the BBC good grooming is key and you need the right products you can get the cheap stuff and with unhealthy hair and strip skip or you can step up to the next level with something like black men. They've got premium hair and skin care products. Full National Botanical Black. With just better for you. It actually repairs and protect your skin and hair as you Clinton's now dateable Isolde. We've got twenty five percent off feel free Maria just go to blackwood dot com and use the code dateable now back to the ship restaurant.

00:35:05 - 00:40:02

So what's your belief system. Then do you believe that you just haven't met that girl or do you just think that this is the way you probably believe that that's the way I am. I believe I'm not really cut out for having I would like to be proven wrong. We need to change. I like to change for a number of men. They reach their early. Let's say mid Thirties. Maybe environmental conditions play a role in. Its later later in big cities in modern times in Cisco and elsewhere than it was one hundred years ago in farm country or something. But there's a time that men seem to reach sermon in general not all men but seemed to reach a point where they are ready to settle down and I have never felt that but I am hoping thing that that happens in that I transitioned to that stage. Let other men seem to naturally transition to and I'm not even sure how naturally is the stories of men who are married and cheating is just like never ending right and it's across all cultures cultures across all even all age groups like men across the spectrum seem to jeep. But that's that's your though that's people talk about it because as newsworthy is worthy but they also don't you about all the men don't Talk I. It's boring so boring because he's so good his wife and he's a the only man but you must on the other hand Basil's Guy God's in Silicon Valley or just normal people like everyday people that aren't going. CBS News or whatever they're not newsworthy. It's going to ask do you think it's this is because it's your belief system. Do you think that you self sabotage because your belief system is that like I cannot Aware of the other way around. Probably that to be honest and the risks until I the more like physical side of days. But I don't really actually like having sex with these girls that much to where I want to keep having sex with the same girl world just for the sake of having sex so I actually have to be more interested in her In order to keep having because there's no connection it's just like a physical thing. Yeah you have to use a Condo condos like it's almost just work to have sex with a cargo. Why what one onto Kerry active having such guys have never complained you about like what it feels like kandhamal exempt? It's never been described to me. As work IRK. People would say they prefer but at the same time to prefer it you would be in a committed relationship like it. It sounds like you're actively choosing to hook up with people and not get to that point. Why not keep up with the same woman to get to that point? Why like I said? Maybe I'm a little bit pickier than the average guy. Maybe you know I do want a woman that is She's got smart and maybe I get too many requirements image. That all deal killers shouldn't have or something. I don't know this is sort of the analogy. I see it's like let's say I want a my my dream job. A Dream Hermit fulltime position. And I tell people this I want this dream job. I WANNA be in a forty hours a week. Whatever but then and keep working these gigs? That have nothing to do with his job. And these gigs lead me nowhere. But they do keep me satisfied and they do give me an income to live right so then I keep telling people. I still want this fulltime job but none of my actions are funneling me that way. That's kind of like what I see scrudem and I think it's interesting because on one side I totally get it. It's like this is GonNa be who you end up with your life with like you should be picky like you should have all things. Oh you what there's one side of that and the other side is like what's realistic and what matters like. Does it matter to be thirty. Like I know. You didn't say this but thirty. Three versus thirty four. Like how much does that really matter like. Is it putting too much self-imposed restrictions that you're not gonNA find anyone so I guess those are the two questions like. How do you balance finding someone that you're excited about? It meets your needs but also being realistic to I. Do I do that. Just giving me questions okay. So we believed in intentions intentional. Dating so if I'm looking for the term know how the hippies nine eighty the third you run with it but the point I believe a relationship I put it out up there and I let people know.

00:40:02 - 00:45:03

That's what I'm looking for and that's what my intentions are but it doesn't sound like those. Are Your intentions. Your intentions are to have fun. Uh Tavern Guitar sets the VIBE. That's being put off like if like I decided out a club and we didn't have this conversation and then someone was like. Oh what about Michael Michael. Is he ready for like Elliara. Ching kits your instinct would probably be no right so it's like. How do you enjoy what you're doing and again like I don't think it's? It's kind of like that double edged one like. I'm not saying like you should sit at home every Saturday night. Like that's not your right. Approach either grabber. Well why should you. That's not how you enjoy enjoy life but maybe it's that you still club and do all that stuff that you find other outlets to meet people too so it's not just your that say you have callers will send me. We do we still. I mean I feel like they're going to be a few women writing in Seeing you as a great project to work on change your ways but but the thing is you gotta know what you want. I hear you but I don't believe you right. How it's what you've said what people say what they do? Yeah that's what you've said the whole salmon and don't use my words again ducking advice that I gave myself I don't this would give me so much anxiety. Does this give you anxiety. Heidi to stress you out the over think about it this congress internal conflict or you see how it plays out. I don't know what to I don't know I'm not happy. Happy good I like of these two minds but I don't have larger. I don't have an answer. I mean I see it as this is my game plan for. You still still do your clubbing stone on weekends. But every Wednesday you go on a formal date. Swollen say survey Thursday Thursday. I like that or Tuesday's maybe yeah. Maybe two is an Thursdays Faisal. Two days when I don't like that and then like 'cause I feel like a woman again like I don't want to speak for all women but I think a lot of times it was just a hang out and chill. You would not have that longterm vibe associated with you as of women like if a guy's never like taking me to dinner like taking me I do like taking girls out. Yeah you know what I hear here. The girls are like other guy. Wants me to pay like this song guy. Yeah initial trips me out a year so many girls talk about how they go on dates and the girl is expected like pay half or pay the whole thing sometimes so this is an opportunity for you right now. You Know No. I think I love this advice like keep clubbing doing that. And then I think the other side is if you do meet someone in the club setting like why not ask them to go on a Dan he added like yeah like why not just like beer I have I do not like let's hang out. It's more like I wanNA take you out right. That's very different. And then you'll also see where their hat if they're like. I don't WanNa go to date that you know that they're not in the head space too much. Take all right so I think that's how you can weed out women to that are looking for sling. Long-term we just spoke to one of our guy friends who was on the podcast before for this bachelor kind of lifestyle. He was a founder and liked to date around and now he's engaged and what he said to us was the change was that he always felt like a relationship with some sort of sacrifice. You're sacrificing your time your freedom your fun. But when he met his now fiance he felt like she enhances live Thirties early thirties. But he felt like she not only does she add to his life but she was on inboard with his lifestyle too so like what if you meet a girl in a more formal intentional dating setting and she's also down to go to the clubs on rights. That's a partner in crime so that's a great live kind of although there's a problem there but is that the problem is that if you're going to the clubs mostly to meet girls then you don't want but girl there who is that you're going 'cause you liked the lifestyle and the music sake. Is it women or if it was a I have gone to gay clubs for music like it's happened but would what I generally do it no elastic. Let's actually you just answered your own question when you do intentional dating and you date someone who's that you really like. Then you'll have less desire to go the clubs. I'll have I'll have very little. I mean I'll I'll miss the club and I'll probably still WANNA go on on occasion. I big allure of the clubs for me is like the possibility the excitement of leg singer girl going after the Jase and spreads bats the part.

00:45:03 - 00:50:06

The that's like I'm a little concerned. I'm conflicted with your internal conflict. I keep hearing like go after the chase. Take all of that. That's definitely part of the fun. Part of the reason why onboard the clubs do but I thought the music for okay but I feel like a lot of men that I've talked to or no. They're in serious relationships aren't looking for the chase. They're looking for the equal. They're looking for their person that they have as their partner. I think at the settling we can give you advice but I think at the end of the day. It's like some of us just word you're at right now and like no one can change that and I think sometimes it's like if that's where it is that's fine like not everyone is going to get married and have kids and I think like it's figuring out like what is the more important to you if it is the chase and that then and let it play out until it's not important and maybe at some point the chase gets old it becomes easier and easier and then there's no longer a chase anymore. You just I know exactly what to say in the right things to do is interesting how it's actually easier it right. I can totally see this. I mean my guy friends will go to a club. They're all like in their late thirties. Now by a table like a Raven and know they can impress all Raven a club and impress all the twenty two year. Old Girls Girls there because no twenty two year old guy can buy a table right now. You know what I mean. It becomes really easy when you're older to impress girls but I guess what you. Why do you want to impress women at a table or are you looking for someone? That's your equally lineup. Go to bars or somewhere that you can have a conversational drink in. uh-huh presses me to see people standing around drinking a Capris I asked. Maybe it's not bars but like I just couldn't see like having any conversation at allow club. Nope you're actually trying to get to know cernan link. That's just not gonNA happen. So are there settings you could find out go to a bar. I guess just because because of what you're saying like what the situation is I guess by point is like. Is there another avenue that you can actually have more meaningful conversation You've never met integral edgy. jitsu girls do jets. There are And usually I bring them to Jujitsu into it. Actually I am responsible for a couple full of the meal tournament winners. How introducing them to Jujitsu not conflict is over? We're very clear on Michael's interests. Yes okay so so you do your Jujitsu thing you like the music scene especially house music very clear about that. You don't like bars. That's not enjoyable scene for you. Maybe there's just other avenues for you. That aren't bars. That could be a interesting like Dolores Park on Sunny Day w good. There's no the music there you can talk to people. Have you ever considered a non traditional relationship like holly emery or open relationships open on my end the not hers. Sure all loud and that's going to be hard so I seen that happen before but it's more rare I I don't want a girl that's like sleeping around other guys. I guess the other side of things again. It really comes down to what the priority is but if it really is to like meet that woman like like my other We can go into takeaways after this but by other recommendation would be to expand some of these pre set boundaries. Because like I know there is some stuff around like fertility in all of that but I do feel like a lot of that stuff is potentially your way in limiting the amount of people. You're meeting you must also have a bunch of married friends. Who WanNa say you up? I'm guessing right. Could Larry People love doing mash it because of your lifestyle probably hesitant to do so well. I don't have as as many married friends as you might think like a lot of my social circle is quite a bit younger than me. And they're not really Mary. How are they in their thirties? Who's your best friend? And and how old are they between thirty five and forty and what's that relationship status one of them is happily married and he is a great example of a guy who like Scott and party and doesn't seem to really have a big interest in light hooking up with girls. He said not happy just happy. He's he's really loves the girl he's with and she's great and great for them and I wish I if I could pick his brain and be like. Hey how do you who managed to just not go crazy and be constantly feeling resentful towards her for being in the way of what you otherwise interesting language used to describe that I know that for me I would build up a resentment if I really actually did stifle my behavior of leg trying to pursue other women. I know that it would manifest itself as resentment towards the woman that I was trying to that this woman that was like the most amazing woman you've ever met.

00:50:06 - 00:55:10

You fell head over heels for her. You still think you would feel resentful all the other women. Maybe I don't know because like it doesn't happen. I'm hoping that that would happen. And then I wouldn't feel resentful and I'd be like like I'm saying Zang like these guys who just don't seem to have that issue you know. They are fine with not having that aspect of their life anymore. Having you talked about purpose actually I haven't. He's hard to talk about that so no I haven't talked to him to other guys who are even younger who seemed to be managing managing successful relationships. And they're like yeah you know. I'm just not really tempted. Who doesn't really interest me to just other girls like not interesting to them? Will we hear a lot of times when you actually meet that person for both men and women and Mike Hampton You just don't even think about it. Any our yeah. I think that's the key is if you're having to like constantly have this internal battle with yourself over whether or not to go try to get that girl's phone number then eventually it. It manifests itself itself as a problem in your existing relationship right. You is not sustainable. What one can always choose or refrain from certain behavior? Right you can always always force yourself to not go talk to Akron Day after day. Right you can do that. But what you can't control is like how your Consi- key reacts to that constant dissonance in new eventually That comes out somehow and I think he had come out as like resentment towards the so. So have you ever like been head over heels in love with somewhere had never been in love Yeah yeah well thought I was dating. This was when I was like twenty. Seven seven twenty eight okay and I had a girlfriend. We had like all the standard conversations of like well. If you can't make a commitment than we are living it's over and I I was like okay. Fine 'em it's over. And then she started dating somebody else and that like flipped a switch. I went crazy I was like I can't stand not being with her called my mom Tom. I called my mom and I was crying and I was like. She's Dana. The Guy I don't know what to do I don't know what you said. You better go. She said you better go and proposed host her right now on my God of got flowers at Safeway a real motorcycle over to her place and I knocked on her door. She led me and we started talking. It became very clear that like she had a new boyfriend by the end. We were like laughing. I was like you know what actually came here with the intention of giving you these flowers of proposing to you because my mom told me won't start cracking up like it was kind of one of those very weird surreal. ONEAL is Terry. Did you feel like I mean I guess it's like Atlas Date once he felt this. But did you feel the urge to be other women when you are winner but after the fact is when you felt like Ben I thought like Oh. I can't believe I was so stupid. Why would I care to be with other women? I can just give give that up so easily. That was so stupid that I let that get in the way in. That's what I call my morals and I'm so upset about this and of course at the time that I'm riding the bike over and at the time that I'm buying flowers I am convinced in my own mine. The sure I can not pursue other girls like the only thing. That's importantly is this girl. I sure I was lying to myself. Yangambi divorced by now. Why now like a month? Ah when you were in Love was twenty years ago. No then there was another than there was another girl Who then recently actually just got got engaged but Yahoo? I did when I was thirty eight so two years ago Pat End. I'm that same way. Basically like not making a commitment. Did she moved on and then then she was single for a little while in San Francisco and I thought maybe we could try to lighten make it work but I I have become very Gun Shy like the become a bit gun shy as far as like. ooh I knew myself a little bit better than I did ten years earlier earlier and I knew that I could probably say the words the it would take to rekindle air relationship but when it came down to Saturday night at ten o'clock and all my friends like for my social scene are out at audio and Halcion Rhythm Public Works and I'm here with her. I know that I would start feeling Ansi. It's actually how you see relationships. UC relationships as possessive. I possess you possess me. We You belong to me and I I belong to you and as part of that it means that if you belong to me you're you're not allowed to do certain things like I have had had this nightmare.

00:55:10 - 01:00:09

I've told people about this that I'm dating somebody and like on a Tuesday afternoon or something. She says. Oh I wanna go wine tasting on Saturday and I dog coolio Leone spy and then Saturday comes around and it's like nine in the morning and she's like get up. It's time to go wine tasting. You said you go wine tasting with me. And I'm like doc all I WANNA do right now is sleep like I just and now I have to go to this and I'm miserable in my host. The sucks and like I've had that fear fear also like having basically your independence being compromised. Also you feel obligated and you want. Just don't WanNa do that. I never I never go. I hate walk over part of being in a committed relationship. Is that you do. After Combo model reminds your independent seems it's not compromising not compromising your independence it's about it's about communicating your needs so in this very example if she wanna go wine tasting on Saturday. It is your the job to see that you were going out Friday night and say Babe. That's long happened Saturday Sunday instead. Show either way but you often and she. That's the promise you've to be willing to like if she really wants to do something like you can't just blow it off all the time or that's going to build a lot of resentment the maybe as you enjoy spending time with. Someone really doesn't matter what you're doing. Maybe you just go wine tasting with her. I think like you have this idea of with. This girl is alike and she's just a nagging bitch your head and even at that I mean I think that's a good segue takeaway because I think it's like how do you frame rain relationships at how they frame what it actually is that you're looking for because like you said what you say what you do is very different with everyone and I think like for yourself. It's important to look at what your actions are and what you're saying and do they actually lineup. And if they don't what is the deeper root route like we've kind of talked about it with like a little about what some of these things are but I'm sure there's other listeners out. There that feel conflicted all the time because society says you should be doing one something in a lot of people do value their independence. They do like living different lifestyle so I think it really is understanding yourself and what matters and then you are saying you like how do you align your actions and not focus on your dream job at work all these side jobs. Yeah Pick Elaine away yet. It's you're setting your intentions right and maybe going back to that example finding the job maybe I say I want this ultimate dream job but I'm so scared of being. An office is trapped in an office. Forty days a week so I then work these gigs. Because it's giving me freedom and I don't want to resent this this dream job. I may have but your dream job right I think about. Maybe your dream job doesn't have to be confined to an office like I think the problem here is So much what. You're doing it so much. How you're thinking about right and how your frame no relationship is based on resentment and lack of freedom? I think it's because from a lot of our friends. It gets toxic when they complain about their significant others. They're complaining. It's always based on some kind of resentment like they didn't do this. Everything's going well or not but in a relationship it's not so much about like every couple so different right so I think about my friends in New York. I actually introduced them and he was very similar to you by the time they met. He was in his late thirties. Such a playboy New York was was having a great time and when they met he made a very clear like he really liked the chase of meeting women but he didn't want to sleep with them anymore. It just got a little bit daunting because like too much work. DOC was the tunnel. May maybe it was conduct. But he said I just WanNa know I can get a check. And that's all you're and she. Yeah so in in their marriage they've been married for like six or seven years now. I have a beautiful kid. She lets him. Go Flirt Brady get numbers interesting. Yeah maybe finding what word satisfied spied with it and he told me because she let's do this. He doesn't less and less now because it's no longer that interesting him. Because he doesn't feel lockdown writing DOPP and and he has no idea no resentment in that category. So it's kind of I think it's great in a twin sister by in a relationship with the right person said you work around these fears and rice shoes and these resentments at our nine and building. Resentment built when you're not communicating your needs You'll never have resented if you're actually communicating your needs. Do you have any Tako. And you're like wow. This is not what I signed up for. Actually this this is kind of exactly what I thought that I was going to be made to feel a bit like awkward than comfortable on certain issues.

01:00:09 - 01:05:01

Yes so I can't describe things that yeah all seems like the right way to look at it. What do you think I is anything going to change right like? Are you looking for a change or is it just more exploratory traits. I wish I could do good podcast by being like absolutely super profound to say right now. It's finding our order. It's not about that. I don't I don't know what I don't know what the future will. I don't know what will happen. Would you consider our idea of kind of doing doing a date night. Oh every week Every other week whatever start slow I would. Yes if it was if if the girls that I I thought were like substantive women yes I would distract to honor percent cadrone dates. Okay I meant to get start Ryan. I'm I would have said that. It's that's always been the case. I just don't often. It's rare that I meet girls in the environs. I right Christiane Right. I mean I think one of the other things again. You might not agree with this spot. I think I've guilty. Not of this too. I think there is ages. There's an unconscious bias with age. Like they're just is in general for men and women but I do think so. Much of it is dependent on on the person and their individual energy. So I think the more we can just open up. RECE- like these predisposed restrictions. I know I have on a dating profile. Like up up to like forty two. Like why forty two. Why not already three? I think it's like why make those caps because like everyone is so different. Unlike you may click with one person. One person might have old energy and they're like twenty five. I get really depends so much so I think by X. Like expanding that a bit more it just gives you are options you can always look on base by thirty one key thirty four. You know what I when you meet thirty five when you meet someone someone who so right for you you my start changing right. You see things through. I recently met someone who just found out. His girlfriend is in the age. She said she will. Oh because they're to get into school earlier. They gave the wrong birthday or birthday on her birth certificate and now at age thirty thirty five they just hold her. She's acting thirty seven. Yeah or sometimes when you meet people in Leg just about you're not like how old are you right doesn't come now in like people don't always look their age so I think that brings up another possibility for me. I mean you can go change your name under driver's license right can you just change orig- DMV I Dunno baby. You can't but I feel like if this that's kind of the point of you got your I also feel like you're a wide but then you're also starting something because you're because you're suggesting that like a woman that's thirty one would find but yeah that was my point. My point is maybe you should loosen up your age limit op because of that. I think starting Arctic off a deceptive relationship is what we're trying to say we're foreclosing on a possibility here that we should consider though. No no no. I think we're closing on face the music and know that you're forty eight. I think people that are in their forties. Not that our are late already. Five just spitballing here. Okay then again like at the end of the day if you're GONNA hold a resentment to someone that's thirty eight. That's not fair to them. Niger yeah it's like it comes down to what you really want in. I'm not sure if you fully know that I actually feel like the way you've described. It almost feels like it's more of of the current state but again like that's to be determined by you. I think it's coming down to what you want. And knowing how imported different Britt Levers are in the open but also like doing it in a way. That's fair to the other person too. Yeah I would love to set you up on a couple blind dates dates blind dates. Yeah but if the girls not attractive to me and I'm not attractive to her than it goes nowhere. So is there a point to doing a blind date. Yeah there is appoint doing it because you don't have any preconceived judgements of them. But if you're just gonNA discount someone forty because they're four don't want to set you up with someone forty because that's not fair to them you're not going to know their age but once he finds out he's going to automatically dismissed them that has to be sleep at cub. You'd be like I'm opener. I'm not open like I wouldn't want to be that women. That's there in like. You know like you WanNa do that to her. It was time you that's true. I'm curious how you I think that would be a good idea.

01:05:01 - 01:10:10

She's like I don't know. I think it'd be good to do that like why. Why do you think that would be well? I think you are as you probably know. I'll put whereas tear Edit you think that there is a chance that he you might not know what you don't know like if you met someone awesome. That was a different age. That you can put these parameters in your mind mind. You might be pleasantly surprised by what about the kids. I see much later now. Yeah Naji have forty five is is pushing like I don't know actually what the current medical science is but I think over forty. It gets harder every year but not like a conceive. How can I ever have a child like? It's yeah conceived the natural way read natural and also not to break the news but men also alcyone your sperm lakes. The old thing that yet. It's something was a I saw. There was a period of time a couple years ago when I saw those ocean Russian terrible and then look it up I think the expansion eye doctor about it. She astronaut believe and freezing. Your eggs has she's had many clients clients our clients patients. She's had many patients that have come in that she said so much of it has to do with the partner the fit of the partner the age of the partner and she's had people that couldn't get pregnant at thirty five and then get pregnant with a different partner at forty the same person because the male partner was different isn't isn't it like ascertainable with like medical certainty as to whether or not it's the woman is capable of getting pregnant or not in that it's not question of whether or not it's the male or the female that's giftable consummating the pregnancy. I thought that was easy to test. Only forty percent of infertility is due to female actor rose forty percent due to male factor ten percent due to combined on or the other tamper with ten percent on them. I mean I guess the other flipside with all this is like if children is so important like also finding people that are in that life stage because like I mean I'm generalizing because there might. There may very well welby. Twenty Five Year olds at clubs that are in that life stage but I would venture to say the majority are not in that Leno's you've sold me on that idea. I knew that even nobody nobody can tell me that like a twenty five year old is not where I want like full time and five year olds even like a forty five year old. Who's doing the club scene till nine? AM probably probably isn't looking for something serious either. Each thing. It's a lifestyle thing I think. We need a male fertility doctor or or her on the show or just fertility expert uptown. More about this is I feel like this definitely is a perception. I think there's a perception out there too. That every every woman at over thirty five is looking at babies immediately. And that's not always the case so I think there is a lot of. It's interesting I got married at thirty five and had their first job at like thirty six another one like thirty thirty eight. So he's having your entire many great examples in your own family family that you are even giving much credit to thirty one was just like a number of throughout fixated on on that number thirty three three thirty four okay like but could be a possibility so it doesn't even matter the age you just need to change the change. The context of how you're meeting women with more intentional. Dating if that's what you're looking for maybe first and foremost figure out what it is. You're looking for a time for a really quick question of the day you might as well the question of the day. This come from Pamela. I recently met a really great guy. But he's forty five and never had a really serious relationship. He says he wants us. Settle down but I find his lack of relationship history concerning I really WanNa get married in the next couple of years and want a serious partner. Should I give him a chance anyway. Leasing Michael The hell no which is to make yourself miserable my view. It's just like have fun play round. He's no serious. He says he wants to settle down. Don't believe him so it goes back to again what you said earlier earlier. What he's saying what you do? I'm different here. You like an APP and you're like you should be the hamlet. Maybe you should consider Michael. Yeah that's my answer to your question. More they voted which some picture. Oh my God I think my opinion of it unless you have more to contribute. We can't judge people from their relationship. History obviously you wanted just like understand this person your connection with them and I think actions and words though is important if you see that he's not following through with things things or not really committing to a life with you or the future of life with you then you can reevaluate but maybe just not based solely on the past either.

01:10:10 - 01:15:02

Yeah I think again. It's based on intentions. I would ask. I would have a very honest conversation with him and say why do you think you were in serious relationships. Yeah a four and what has changed. I've also been on the flip side where I met people who've been slew of sears relationships and still were not marriage material right so go to your point Julie. You can't judge someone for their history but at least you can understand where they are today. What their intentions are alike? That ask the why not why. Why why why are you feeling this way? Never go this Guy Michael Ask yourself. Why podcastone uh-huh Pamela? Hopefully that answers your of. It doesn't work out. Michael's available is ready for you. Solicitor's that are dating with Michael. Do WanNa ride the no all. They've heard some disembodied voice like you said we have a lot of women right in to me Male L. guests that happens to hear your voice. I hear your story. Yeah I mean who knows. Maybe they will. Maybe they will. But it's put it out to the universe you never it out to the universe and sometimes weeding out to the universe with sort of like your conflicts or your internal thoughts is a good way to say this is. Why am mm-hmm? Yeah you know. You're not like trying to be someone you're not and so whoever does right in at least they know what they're getting like. This could be like a final takeaways. I think we all all have internal debate so I think a lot of us like myself included like there's Times that I'm like I really WanNa be married and then other times I'm like I like the life I'm living living so I think this happens all the time. I don't think this is uniquely. You like a lot of people feel this and I think especially with the pressures that we get outside. It's hard to somehow sometimes figure out what's my own needs versus. What am I told should be doing? Yeah I think societally we on one the hand. This is why we have so many conflicts because through media and through just societal structures on one hand it pushes relationships. Like you're only taken seriously if you're married right when people I know people who wear where brings on their wedding finger roofing would have to come off off were serious in interviews or at their jobs if they're female no into some Yeah I think it's men married nor there's there's like actually studies in like they're like they don't have a playboy mentality. They'll take work more serious because they're looking for they're all they're trying to provide for family again whether whether that's true or not that's a perception that is out there. Yeah so one hand and pushes that on the other hand societies like you're independent. You should be able to do whatever you want. Don't let anybody tie you down and change. You says like conflicting messages. We keep getting. Yeah so I think we all just need to have some quiet time for ourselves. Soleil what is it that I'm looking for and it may not be what society's telling you what what creates had society places such an emphasis on age too you. I mean I think so much of its been brought forward in this conversation like you have prime examples in your own life yet. Those got side swiped because of just overall societal views views on age. Yeah but the reality is people get married at twenty two and get divorced at forty five and start dating for the first time at seventy like. There's not really like a magic magic age and I think that so much of that stems from what's been told to US versus what's actually real like. I think people can find love at any other age but a lot of times. Sounds like you must get married before. You're thirty five year EXCO like that's out there and it's socks that's out there. I know it does suck. Doesn't it anyways. I think it's up to US individually to really get clear what our priorities are in life get clear of priorities and be open minded and now that relationships change change. 'cause we change. So how can you expect a marriage of twenty years to be exactly the same for all this twenty years people. I've known who've Mary for a long time. Their marriage changes so marriage could go from a traditional monogamous marriage to maybe open it up for a little bit when you come back in and then you open up. I don't know but that's why you decide as a Kabul sound like it's totally within reach are more open to different configurations rations of what a relationship looks like. Yeah that sounds good to me. Just figure out what your ideal is that also be willing willing to compromise a little with someone like maybe you don't Wanna go wine tasting but you still want to spend valuable time with them so they're sling else. You could do right so it's not always like an either there. We must do this or we don't do anything chauffeur.

01:15:03 - 01:18:29

Maybe who knows do crossword puzzle. Does maybe she'd be done with that. Why not ideas? They're just use them once a week. That's all we're asking for. Cheaper updated a Jj Castle report back report back. We're going to check in with you. Yeah for sure. The whole relate any suitors to you. Yeah there's any way to do that crossword we'll let you scroll crossword puzzles. That can make up for a lot of other shortcomings had AB maybe thirty five. Maybe thirty six. Oh I shouldn't there. Thank you Michael for Waking Up and coming. I'd talking to US screw telling us you're probably telling us about your love or lovely as well reason why we invited invited you to come on the show because you don't think your life is that unique in certain ways and we thought you were like very unique so we we wanna highlight that you need. Don't think you're unique either using people deal with these internal struggles. I think just having someone to talk about it yet live live. I'm sure this is resonating with a lot of these different. All off a Unicorn Larry's everyone's the ones unique snowflake unique. And they're always okay. Let's wrap this up if you are again if you are a listener who is interested the meeting Michael let us know email us. And we'll make the introductions and Michael has agreed to be open minded on Tuesdays Thursdays all the states that states or Thursdays ads are also find him nine. Am No ninety wandering wondering mysteries in the mission on the only not hopeless guy of the street and he might blend in. Thank you again Dan for coming to tell us about your love life and listeners. We want to hear from you. Everybody has a very interesting love journey. And we want to hear about your journey internal conflicts internal one. I have a novelist so we all do we all do okay. We're GONNA wrap this up. Stay also nope stay dateable in this episode we talked about either embracing the bachelor lifestyle or moving out of it but either way. Isn't it time to graduate out of the same green products you've been using since high school and that's exactly exactly why we have jeff from blackfoot for men here. which is a premium line of men's grooming products made in Japan? Jeff why is it. So important for men to fradulent said next level premium uh-huh grooming products Because it's GonNa make you not only look better but feel better each time you use the product it's GonNa make your skin and your hair healthier but also just when you pick up the product when you hold it when you smell. It feels like you're coming to that next level of grooming that you need if you want to succeed in the dating scene are you WanNa feel the best about yourself the putting on your body and in your body and that's what these products are GonNa do right now. Actually we have a special twenty five percent off code just for dateable listeners. Just go to

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.