To say dating has changed in 2020 is the understatement of the year! We'll share our top 6 trends with everything from how singles and couples are navigating this time to why f*ckboys are o-v-e-r. We'll discuss how to make the most of your dating life whether it's on a socially distanced date or if you're rekindling an old flame. So get your masks on, stay 6 feet away, and see how COVID-19 could actually be the best thing for your love life (if you let it be).
Thank you to our partner for this episode:
BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month of online therapy at betterhelp.com/dateable with the code DATEABLE.
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BONUS: 6 Ways COVID-19 will forever change dating
00:00:00 - 00:05:09
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating and much more than that. 'cause we dive into the why the why of why people do the things they do why people behave the way they do, and why people think the way they do. We recently wrapped up season ten. W-WHAT. Yes I! Did. You ever think when we had drinks at one night where we were like who would be good. Let's podcast. Did you ever think we are into season eleven? You crazy because we've been doing a lot of podcast lately and just pr news and stuff and a lot of times it comes up. How did we meet and we have our story and it is so crazy to think back to that night when we were just kind of shooting, the shit and we're like. Let's do a podcast and have all of our friends dial in like I barely knew what a podcast was that. We're experts what? People are asking us for advice. Twenty Sixteen podcasts really were not a thing back then or at least like soccer show ones. It was very. You know scientific I feel like they were all like very academic. An investigative like stories were still really big back then, but now it's everything. Everyone has a podcast. It is true everyone and their mom literally has a podcast And And welcome more because it just shows that this is a growing category and the more podcast we have, the better it's like there's always room for others in this field, so I looked actually at some recent stats about different podcasts in different categories. In how many podcasts do you think there are in the relationships face? You already gas in the US. Yes, in the US. I'M GONNA say. Under three hundred, Oh wave or twenty, seven, hundred, one, seven, hundred, and we are actually in the top percent of relationship podcasts. Oh my Gosh! We're like the Harvard of. Breath. Relationship podcast. That was a very. My mom would be very proud of battle. For Name Brown. She's probably the Harvard. We're probably like I. Don't know maybe the Stanford, ooh! Stanford listeners right now. They're so unhappy. But anyway regardless we are in the Ivy Leagues of Podcast, just saying of relationship podcast, but we also had this really interesting conversation recently, which was like I. Don't really consider us a relationship podcast because we're. We're not talking about just relationship stories, and also on the other hand. We're not just doling out relationship, advice or dating advice feel like we're kind of investigative in some ways, not to the point of like. Let's find out. That were jains of Dick Pics. You mean ah the. Tender podcast. Like out one. We WanNa talk about, but we do I think what makes us so wonderful for me and so rewarding is we are really getting into the why in I think we're created this new podcast category for ourselves like social. Dating. I kind of think of it illegal. I don't know I do see us as a relationship podcast. There's so much more to relationships. If you actually look at the podcast in the relationship category, it's not just romantic relationships. It's about relationships with yourself. It's about relationships with others with friends with family like workplace like it's not just you know romance and I think a lot of the skills that we teach our how to relate with others, no matter or stage of dating and relationships. Well, That's That's a very good point. Because when you think about relationship podcasts, I think about people relationships yet willing out relationship advice, and is not so much that it's about how you relate to others, and how you relate to society that is also a relationship in itself and I recently thought about this, too. Because someone in our facebook group posted the article about the Asian girl, who she refused to Asian men for so long and I remember I. Mean I I read this article and I've read so many very similar articles and I think in the time of as we're looking inward to how we relate to ourselves, and in light of what's happening with black lives, matter and looking at systemic racism, systemic racism also happens in your own race when your self and I had this epiphany a few years ago, that I was so self loathing, and that's partly why I didn't date.
00:05:09 - 00:10:06
Asian men for so long Not Not because of any of the reasons I cited in this terrible blog. Post I posted like ten years ago. That I took down 'cause I was so ashamed and embarrassed by it, but looking back and I'm so glad. This girl wrote this article, too. It was all about high related to myself and I was just so self loathing, so self loathing of my own people, and that relationship I really need to work on before I entered into an actual. I think that's why the dating spaces so fascinating too many even to people that are in relationships and have been married for years is because there's so much self Aleutian that happens through dating I feel like Didi is a magnifying glass of everything. That's happening in your own. Into yourself in what you just said. It's just bringing to surface of your own challenges in your own limiting beliefs and your own thoughts, and there's a lot of psychology there, and of course when you're in a relationship, there is like the next stage of how you manage conflict in all of that type of stuff in. How do you get things to the next Level Level but I think dating. There's just so much self growth that happens in especially when you're dating so many people in. I think this is actually something that's great about serial dating. Is it really lets you hold that magnifying glass of yourself in a really quick time period to really see we're you need work like I? Know for me for years like when I Would Would stress about someone not texting me back or just get all in an angst after like one date with someone. It's like a step back of being like okay. What is the underlying thing that's going on in my life that is causing me to put this much burner and stress on it in my unhappy in another way. Do I feel like I'm not good Enough Enough like what is like the deep seated challenge that makes you stress about the little things. Yeah, because I think as we get older I definitely feel this is that my mental capacity is limited. Absolutely I think about where where am I spending mental energy on, and it's on that text then. Why is it occupying so much of my mental capacity because it's so limited? That can only have so much energy to do so much in a day. Why am I dwelling on something that really does not matter in the grand scheme of things, so that's really part of the evolution to brought up another great point, which is a win. You'd think about relationships. It's also in reference to other people, so you can work on yourself as much as you want, but you also have to work on yourself in relation to other repeating. Grow to. We've said before on podcast that we've been on. I think there is an element of your own self that you need to get your house in order, because you can't go into a relationship if you're not hold on your own, but it can't be forever like no one's perfect. You can't spend all this time getting to your perfect state and then expect to like magically find a relationship. It's kind of a hybrid Of Of both, it's you need. Relationship experienced a continue to be relationships I. Think What's interesting and I think I've told you this way, but there was a period I remember. I just got super attached to the sky and I. Really Barely knew him I think we went on two dates i. just thought he was really good on paper. He was like really attractive. He worked in Google as an engineer so I just like Oh boy. This valley dream here. You know at the time I was. You know he had a lot of qualities I was looking for but of course he ghosted me and I was devastated. I remember being so upset about it and then years later at a showy did do remember this. We did our shows and he was there as a guess. And I literally like he recognized me I didn't even recognize him and I honestly to this day. I can't even tell you his name because I forgot. I had not that I. Don't like Oh. I didn't put it on air, but I also have no idea what his name is like at all. I say this to people, though as like a prime example that it's like we can't let these people that really are like a blip on our radar in our entire life. Get to us this much like I think there is I think it's worth looking at like. Why are they doing this? In bringing a knack to yourself but I know for me like what I've been through major heartbreak. Just do not have the energy anymore for these like one two. T want to date people I just can i. like can't do it I'm like if I barely do you. I just can't extend the energy of even carrying. Of course you can be disappointed. No, No, one saying that you can't, but it's putting all in like relative perspective, because in that mindset you're thinking about winning and losing. Yes, when you've been ghosted, you feel like you off and I had this conversation with a friend today.
00:10:06 - 00:15:01
Who is very good friends with this guy who goes on women all the time and so. I was like great. You know ago, stir tell me get to the bottom of why he does the things he does, and she's like honestly he is depressed and so he would so what he would do. He ramp up really fast with women, and he really fall for someone, and then his depression hits and he doesn't Know Know How to communicate that, so then he chooses to just not communicate at all, so he's on the other side the perpetrator he's the one that's been ghosting women for years now, and he's seen as the bad guy, but he really just does not know how to control his depression at this moment, and unfortunately it comes at random times in his life, and sometimes very inopportune times with that story. It made me think all those times. You thought someone didn't call you back ghosted you or seem like they weren't interested you. You felt like you lost. You have no idea what they're going through, and instead of being so harsh on yourself and harsh On On that person send them some love. Send them your best. Just through the universe you know mental energy and then move on because you don't know what's happening I. Think a lot of times to for my experience I agree with you. It is usually never about you I mean. Maybe it is about you, but for the most part if it's only been a couple dates. If they actually just aren't interested in you, probably they would say a lot of the Times. It really is about what's on in their lives I know for me. A couple of the people that have ghosted me I found out later that they that they got into relationship shortly after. Think was happening is I was probably there around the same time as whoever they're in the relationship now? They didn't want to close the door on me. By saying Nope I'm not interested or whatever, because they didn't know what was fully happening in that situation, so in their minds, it's easier just to Kinda like ghost and fade out a little, and then you know that in the back burner you a those one. This is still one of my favorite stories if I feel it, but I had. Had gone on like the best eat. I just remember thinking it. was you know just be like such a good connection? You were so attracted out. We talked. Just we talk. We are there for like three hours. We talked about deep level. Shit like I thought this was gonna be something. The next day. He texts me were chatting away that night at the date. He asked like what we're gonNA. Go out again. We set a time, so this was. We made out like this was like happening. This wasn't just I thought. Maybe I was, it was right sided. It felt very mutual. I guess yeah, and then all of a sudden. He was just gone from my Bible. Poof, and then we had a date set up, and I reached out like on. That's just that we can just being like. How's your weekend going or something? After we'd again the highest nothing, then the dates rolling around, and it's like nothing. Nothing I've reached out a couple times at this point being like is this still on investigative UA? Gets on there and she's like I'm GonNa. Find Him I'M GONNA? Find this guy on bubble Mike. How are you gonNA find him in the millions of people. Did I show found him. You found twenty minutes. To catch a ghost show to catch a Predator no is on a show called to catch a ghost, because as my life mission here, I created a fake profile I swiped through for like hours subway photos you like. Is this him? 'cause kids I had nothing else better to down I was like I got to find got I gotTa Find Revenge Somehow and I found him he was. Probably two two or three hours into sleeping, but I found him. We matched. And we message back and forth and I could see how many miles he was away from you so I could see that he was home at the time he saw me so. I GIVE JULIE UPDATES I'm like I he now he's closer to me I. think he's close to. Work as I thought something happened to like I live by. Sally happened to know Piers Man was alive. He was responding tiffany. Responding to the fake profile, we had some sort of connection. And then it got to the point where I was like. I'm going to ask him if he's not GonNa ask me how I did and he never message me back either. And then you found out something. Yeah. I found out he was in a relationship. Yes you you. You thought he was going to be in a relationship. You at a six on that because you knew your profile would have learned him in normal text, honey I everybody out there if you ever need to be. Careful what you ask for it. I have the perfect profile to catch any goes out there. She's just ambiguous and just attractive enough to get anybody. I needed. I feel like this weekend was like I was telling you earlier like this weekend was like a little tough, just in general I. Don't know if other people are feeling that to like I just.
00:15:01 - 00:20:03
I don't know. I feel like especially growing up in Boston Fourth of July was always like a really big holiday. It was really warm and I remember just going to all these fourth of July parties all the time and I Think Think over the years, it hasn't been as big of holiday for me, but it's usually one that I'll go tauhaw with friends or do something and I just feel like this year. It was definitely combination of Betty obviously I think one cases are rising so I was like a little timid, even do much in general, but also everything was canceled, and then also just the state of our country right now like I don't Really Really feel like like America like I. Don't know I'm not gonNA. Go on to rent there, but just like it. Just you know didn't feel the same as normal. It's so bad right now and like L. A. Fuck. Are you guys doing in La Kings someone police in l., a. answered like what is happening. Why are your numbers so much worse than the rest of the country I? Do not understand what is happening There There I feel like I agree. This weekend was really rough, so my boyfriend and I went to one of his friends houses to go in their backyard, which is like? Oh my gosh, you have a backyard. It's amazing, but we all stayed six feet apart, and we were trying to have like a birthday. Thing has friends turning forty, but we couldn't. He couldn't have that. Many people over there were just very few of us. And then we were time food, and there was just absolutely. No, there's no kind of food out there that a sharable and safe, so we all ended up ordering our own food. How Weird is that? We brought our own beers and ordered our own food and stayed in our own corners. It was just not festive at all. I did go to a restaurant this weekend I have I did I did I went to a outdoor bar and a restaurant and I feel like because I hadn't gone so long like the friends are with. We're like lushes. Order everything. Get out reasoning. Take Another Hauula frigging around. Right and you like tip really well like been unemployed for so. It's like we literally have gone to a restaurant in four bud, so it's it was fun. It was fun to be back doing. That, but it definitely yeah I. Mean I'm adjusting to some of that stuff I think it's just seeing the stuff in the news like there was this article about the sky that nuhere Kovin get like went out to fire island in New York and it was like raging all weekend. Why like this is? What's GonNa? Keep it going, so we'll get off the soapbox, but yeah, hopefully other people. I don't know for me I'm like hopefully I can just put this weekend behind and move forward, but yeah, it definitely had a little bit of a sour taste for me at least I had a highlight to my weekend. I texted you about it. I was at the ranch ninety nine were all the Good Asians go for grocery shopping with my mask on and like Basically Basically my pajamas, thinking nobody would ever recognize we see me. Thank goodness right, and there's a lovely woman comes up to me very far away. She's six feet away from me. Don't worry. She's like excuse me. Are you a from the dateable podcast and I'm like? Yes, I don't know how you recognize me. He's like I reckon I recognize your boyfriend I, and then I saw. Yeah and she's like I'm Linda from. Bay Area Date Guide, which is an instagram. Account that we follow and I'm like you or the person behind bay area date guide, and we had a bonding moment of so great, because we were able to just connect- and talk about the podcast, and also like be in this aisle of all this Chinese sauce that I was trying to figure out what. It was it was a beautiful moment. And I was like holy my day, and in fact she made my weekend, so thank you did text me. We're very excited. Her from the show that we did before shit hit the fan in December so. Yes. She's a lovely, lovely woman and definitely go follow holes Graham area date guide. The best part was I didn't tell you the afterwards because I felt like I. Assume powers with my mask on. Because sometimes you're like you know if a mask on, you can't really embarrass yourself so after I had that exchange with her. I come out and I see this guy that looks familiar normally. I wouldn't say anything. But I felt like a superpower, so I went up to him Oh like Tony. He's like nope. By Mick, maybe things that I actually read into one of the members of our facebook group that hosted well the other night last week at, and I was wearing my mask, and she came up to me, and we also would recognize me at my. Great field. Off Yeah but anyways I feel like we hit season finale, but we have a lot of really good stuff in store for the off season. We definitely want to keep the momentum going. We've a lot of real. New Listeners have come in recently so welcome everyone that's new, and of course the ones that have been with us from the start.
00:20:03 - 00:25:04
We love you and glad that you're still here, but we're excited to just kind of go through some of the trends and some of the stuff we've been experiencing of how dating is going to change with covid and also reruns. Some of the podcast that we were on that. We talked about this as well sinking here from other. Hosts so much fun, but don't get US wrong. We're still we're. We've already started recording for the eleven so a lot in store for you all, but we're also looking for guests. Yes, so definitely hit us up on that, but before we get to our episode I do WanNa. Think our sponsor I feel like this is our longest running sponsor slash relationships. Slash Sponsor in terms of sponsoring my feeling. A better help, thank you so much for being our sponsor for this episode in these unprecedented time some of US actually most of us may be experiencing some challenging feelings for me. It's been feeling of helplessness. You guys know I have this anxiousness that I been trying to get rid of and knowing that working on your mental health is really important right now, so I'm very thankful I've been working with better help. Who've ensured that I'm not alone in this better help offers online counseling with professional, credible and compassionate therapists in a safe and private environment with three thousand US licensed professionals across fifty states. They make it easier Than Than ever to find help. In fact, so many people have been using better help that they're recruiting additional counselors in all fifty states how Ya know now for dateable listeners, only you get ten percent off your first month with the Code dateable get started today by going to better help, dot com dateable join over one million people, taking charge of their mental health, simply filled a questionnaire to assess your needs and get matched with a suitable counselor again. That's better dot com slash dateable and use the Code Dat E. AB L. E. for ten percent off your first month. Love it. I love better helps so much, just cannot. Do. Another thing I love is how many reviews and ratings we've got in from all. Seriously, it is really helping. We're talking about earlier being in the top two percent. That's what has helped us get there like we've seen noticeable differences in the apple charts because of that, so you haven't let us left us a rating yet. It literally takes two seconds. Just go into apple and hit five stars and yeah. Hopefully you can do that if you feel like. We deserve five stars, so thanks again for everyone that has done that I Was Was Listening to our friend Pat Harris's podcast, the refine collective and in her intro she says even Oprah asks for us in Podcast, so I could ask for reviews, too, so I'm gonNA use the same line. Even does the same thing. I felt like annoying about it and I talked to one of the members at our facebook group, and she's like no everyone does this. Don't feel annoying because I think it is that no one ever thinks to leave a review unless something is really bad right? Yes, so it's really just not. It's not top of mind so again. I think also people don't really understand how much it really does. Help podcast grow, and it helps us thank you. You've said it really well. It helps us when we reach out to guests, and they look at it and they're like. Do I want to take an hour of my time? Especially, the more high profile guests we get taking an Hour Hour of time is actually asking for quite a lot, so we want to ensure them that one. We are reputable podcast in two people that are like you all. That are going to really listen and enjoy their content, and in addition to reviews, tell a friend I was talking to a my good friend today WHO's married and she absolutely loved our last day the open letter to ship. As she shared it with another friend of hers, not to complain about their husbands, but more just to really open up the conversation that is so uncomfortable for people to have in relationships, so she's been listening with her friends, and it really helps to, because if you have another friend that you think could benefit from our our podcast. That's a great talking point for you to so definitely tell a friend we love it. Let's get more people into the dateable family, and then our last ask is is to follow us on Instagram at dateable podcast. This is our biggest social channel outside of the facebook group, and of course you can find it there, too, but we'd love for you. We take a Lotta time to put together some nice stories. Pull some funny quotes, so we can kind of just give you like that. Little smile that you need on a daily basis right now because I mean I. Don't know about you, guys. We're trying to get it from wherever I can right now. All different sides of the last week hosted. Would you rather and the question was? Would you rather find out how long you and your partner will last or how long your partner will live for? And the results came in, and it was overwhelmingly. The majority is said they rather find out how long the relationship last instead of how long their partner will survive while.
00:25:04 - 00:30:11
They were, they were on the same page as utilized it so before we go into an episode for today. Do you have another? Would you rather for me? I do another one day. Let's keep it going. Yeah Okay you want. Thought of a few more but I. also you this one this might be. This might be interesting. Okay, would you rather date someone who's had a lot of relationship experience and comes with a lot of baggage. Or someone who has very limited relationship experience and comes with Mary Limited baggage. This is such a talented, actually super real feel like this is dating day. It's like you either get someone that's been through the ringer. They've maybe divorced coming back onto the dating scene, or you have kids or kids or people that really have just not put dating on the forefront like we've focused more on careers and other things This is tough because I feel like my initial gut would say someone that has had more relationship history, but actually after listening to the episode, we did relationships. Are you sure you want one? I think I might actually swing other side because. Point was first of all not relationships. The same anyways actually probably doesn't matter. It really probably depends on the person in the. In the reality, and I think what they were saying to is. If you have a blank slate, you can cut it. Create whatever you want. It's like if you think about it as I don't know I'm doing a lot of painting lately. Something about painting, but like if you have yeah, the layers ear of just shit. Some really bad paintings this weekend also I realize. Hot My strong suit share we share on instagram. I'M GONNA. Get better I promise, but I'm looking at one right now like this. One's going to be hard to fix because it's just. It looks like Shit Right now, and I'm not saying that everyone with baggage. Incentive incentive for people to follow us on Instagram just to see how shitty Julie's paintings are gonNA keep paying could post. The shitty paid takes to get instagram followers. But I was GONNA say we'll give you have the clean slate. You can kind of or the clean canvas. You can Kinda just create whatever you want. So again I personally. Actually I know I have to choose one because that's the game, but I would probably choose I would probably say it doesn't matter either way, and it really just depends on the person, but because you said this person has A A lot of baggage, I would say I would choose the person that might be has no baggage in just fresher. Greener What about you I was say the person without relationship. Experience probably doesn't have relationship baggage, but has unlearn baggage that they we need to deal with which is why they haven't been relationships or haven't had that much relationship experience. You all know I love I love Mary. I love. You. So much. Man. I love it when they're on available to. Get started right now. I know someone takes. Away herself just play on loop I love Mary meant I Love I love. I love divorced men. My current boyfriend is divorced. It's a that's not a secret for anyone because I feel like they've been through it all and I. Feel like the women before me are fluffer relations offers to prep him for this relationship with me and I really appreciate that that's not to say. He doesn't come with baggage. He absolutely comes baggage and so do I so to me. I feel like I like someone who's been through it. Yeah, it's they know They They can like pinpoint. Oh, I remember going through this issue with my ex or I remember encountering this challenge with my previous relationship, and then they have may hopefully has to be someone who's evolved last relationship. Hopefully have the tools to address these issues not to say people without relationships don't have the tools is just. They haven't had much practice yet. I mean it's such a hard one because I, think it so probably down to the individual shortly after I, think both. Of the game for the sake of the game I'm glad that we actually both had differing opinions because you know. There is no bright. Enter to this one. So I saw my friend Ching and she said you and Julie actually have pretty different perspectives, and I was like good that is, that is a really good thing. Because for a long, we were worried that we had the same respect interesting. She yeah she really felt like. We have different perspectives. So that's she called at one. Specifically I'm curious, not specifically, but she's like you know just for the virtue of you being in a relationship and you being single in already to gas perspectives, but sometimes the way we look at.
00:30:12 - 00:35:02
Some of these episodes like the stories we offer different perspectives. That's good I think that's the. Tour more important because you know relationships, relationships change as we've seen over the last five, so. They sure do, but as relationships change sodas, dating and dating has certainly changed during covert enjoying quarantine and we've. We realize we keep getting invited to go on other people's podcast. Talk about dating trends during a bit that we've actually never talked about them on our our own podcast, so we're GONNA. Take this bonus episode to talk about some of the top six dating trends that we're seeing in cove especially now we're entering into what I would call phase two. We have sprinkled them into episodes, but you're right. We haven't had one episode dedicated to it where this is where it will come, and hopefully this will help people navigate during this time because I think there is a lot of challenges, but there's also a lot of good that could come out of it. I think we all can't forget that in have Amnesia dating was not perfect before Covid, so yeah, let's let's use what we got and see how we can create the dealing lives. We want so shit. Should I kick off I'll do okay. You've all heard me talk about the sober. I kissed. This is something I've been champing for a long time. Even before Kobe I really believe that you can gauge chemistry through a sober I kiss, but in this day and age is very hard to do so except for quarantine time so I talked to a friend today she's like. I hiked to sixteen miles last week just to go on dates. I'm like. Yeah, curl because that's all you can do these days, right? On there are two mile walk. She's like I'm so tired of hiking, but I gotta keep dating. Think. It goes into this idea that I think what's coming out of quarantine is that people are going on these more soper days hike, said socially distanced picnics, which is great, and so that sober I that I kiss has a higher chance of being sober. In fact. I talked to our friend Kevin. He said he had his first sober. I saw with his first teen girl that he met up during quarantine. So love it. He said it was very special for both of those they had to get consent of course, and they also had to ask each other those Uncomfortable Uncomfortable questions. Have you kiss someone else right in the last few months? And have you been tested for like all those things had to come out, but it just made that first kiss really special so I think he is a very memorable kiss for an even if you're not like dead, sober, the odds of being like sloppy, drunk or probably a little lower than what truce to be because, even if you like a bottle of wine in the park or not at a borrower truth, so accessible I. I used to be the queen of drunk and make outs. Don't we know it? I definitely got a little bit of emo from friends on that one, but I think it will make us more selective of who we kiss far in kissing. We'll have a lot more meaning I think we've heard so many dates where it ends in the kiss, and then you never hear from them again and you're like we did it. We kiss did I shared a story earlier right, so it's like. Why isn't it translating but I think we took it for granted before, and it was just kind of one of those things you did on a date, and you may not have felt anything for that person, but you're like why not, but that won't happen. I mean unfortunately for the longest time we were all the. Oprah's of kissing just giving away kisses. Getting his. Everybody gets a kiss. And then you forget who you kiss, but I remember having a sober I kiss when I was single and realizing how lips felts. You don't sometimes you just kiss so many people when you're wrong, you like forget to be present in the moment. Feel a kiss I. Like was the last time you felt a kiss, and that was really special to be like. Oh, my Gosh! Lips feel like this, and then you have to till you're. Be More present. It's probably a better way to gauge actual chemistry to for sure and not just I. Mean you've been preaching sober I kiss. Couva nineteen so her. And I don't even practice what I preach, but now I will I not really? Siri as I drink my spreads. In theory I will practice a so reverse. Yeah, no, it's! It's definitely going to change dating just like what we do on dates and I feel ages date attire how you show up like all of that is gonna be different like I. Remember just weary. These like cute dresses to dates.
00:35:02 - 00:40:05
I can't even fathom that right now, so McGrath, yeah, what's address and we talked about to like real? Fold this one into this trend, but I think more and more dates are going to start on video in progress into these socially distance dates, and hopefully the opportunity for that sober I. Guess if all goes well right, yeah! I kiss. I'm generally likes kiss through the phone. Have you know making out with the kids about like Mickey out with a phone the below the cast. Kinda sweet. I didn't know you were so cheesy, okay? All right I guess the decks will that I can think of. Is You know we thought that me too was going to kill Fuck Boys, but I think cove. It has really destroyed boys. Let's take a moment for a sponsor generation Tux, while during this time, many plants are being postponed especially the big day for some we still want to pass along this great offer from generation talks for all you men out there who are planning your special day. Generation Tux takes away the headache of finding you the perfect talks. You simply create your local line including your party and everything arrives within fourteen days of your big day at Your Your doorstep with generation talks. You can earn a free suit Tuxedo rental with five eight members. Generation tax offers free home. Triumph Program for groups can also get free swatches delivered straight to your door, and after the big event you just put everything back in the box and use a prepaid label to drop off at ups, so take note of this free shipping. Free swatches free home. Try on now you can save time and money. Generation X CHECKOUT GENERATION DOT COM slash dateable and use the Promo Code dateable for ten percents off your entire rooms party again. That's a generation x dot com slash dateable in checkout with Code Dat. Now back to this episode. You know we thought me to is going to kill fuck boys, but I think it has really destroyed. Fuck boys like it really hard to fuck boy during this time. You can't send that you up taxed anymore. You can't just hit someone up at like midnight when you've been out all day and partying with the boys, or whatever like that just doesn't Happen Happen anymore. We hear am all these people getting these like Zoom Saremi and he's like really romantic jesters. We had something on our podcast. The guy like picked her flowers on his height can like sent the virtual bouquet. You just can't do the bare minimum anymore. So fuck boys or canceled like fuck boys done from Covid I also learned another thing. Is that Julie love seeing fuck boys. She's all about timelines and. Takeaway two things about on this podcast. It's timelines. Fuck Boys and put them in the same sentence. You are her soul edgy. Just say fuck. Reaction Every time, but you're right. I do a good time line and I. I don't love a good fuck. Boys love sings like for. You know I agree with you I. Think the me, too. Movement gave Fuck Boys, concussion and and Kovic has made sure that they never wake up from their concussion. Fuck boys are so over. I feel like I've had girlfriends. Tell me about just. They just rolled her eyes. As some of these texts now like back in the back before Cove Ed pre cova days, they would be looking. These tax being asked me for advice. Should I respond back? Should I say does? Is he interested? Nowadays? Show me attacks. They're like. Are you fucking kidding me like delete block? No, thank you and next, so yes I think. Covert has put a lot in perspective to especially when this fuck boy. That was hitting you up all the time when you were quarantined was like crickets right right? It's really transparent when they come back and it's obvious, and then they don't really go fuck how you're doing it. It's just that they WANNA get laid because they've been quarantined for three, so yes, not that fuck boys don't exist anymore. They certainly do but I think R B s meters are a little higher Especially, Especially, if you're someone that's looking for a relationship and not just a hookup, think before they could kind of merge in a little, and it was sometimes marred to for your feelings between I know this person might be bad, but I'm just. GonNa do it anyways, we're now. There's also like a lot more at stake by going there especially. If you know that there like hooking up a bunch of people who wants to do that right I think it used to be. Cool of you could transform a fun. You know that was a that was a goal. Project. Nowadays like you don't even want to know what the fuck boy that's. That's the difference they so exist is just people don't want to deal with them. We better yourself boy. Protest go to. Yeah, Connie's collapsing. Stuff going up. Yeah CW liked the number one thing. We don't need. No no more fuck ways, thank you next and then another trend we've been seeing. Is this one applies to me so much is couples are either sinking or their swimming and full disclosure.
00:40:05 - 00:45:03
This has been a really tough time for my relationship, not in not in terms of Oh my gosh. It's like really on the rocks, but we've had so many really hard conversations and I'm so glad we are having these conversations, but I can totally see that if we didn't. If two people currently in a relationship during Cova didn't if one person was not down to have these conversations or to fight for the relationship then you'd be, it'd be Oh for I. Think I'm getting texts like on? A weekly basis of someone who's saying something about getting a divorce or leaving their boyfriend or a husband or wife or whatever I'm getting these messages and I'm trying to talk them off the ledge, but at the same time to people have to be in it to fight it, and if two people aren't both in it, then you gotta just let it go. Unfortunately that we are seeing that happening. There was this misconception that quarantine was going to yield up unto quarantine babies. That's actually not true. They're seeing that there's. Less pregnancy through quarantine because couples are so stressed right now, and they're more concerned about working through their relationships. Then you know creating children, so that's good. That's a good thing. I think that we're being responsible, but for couples. We totally get it. A lot of my friends have told me this is a really tough time. I'm in the same boat as you, but keep fighting and make sure that as as long as Both Both people are willing to fight for the relationship. You are on the right path I. Think also before it was so easy to distract yourself into sweep this. She's under the rug like you're like all right, you go out and get drinks are do dinner and we don't and talk about the hard stuff in I, think it's forced people to have those conversations like you said for better or for worse in wallets unfortunate If If things end, is it actually better in the scheme of things and having a drag on for more years? If it really like, you just can't communicate, and you can't have those difficult conversations. Yes, I always think about the story I told you about my friend who had to decide if he was going to go into quarantine with his girlfriend, and that was his waking moment. Saying I don't want to spend every day With With this person imagine of quarantine didn't happen, and they just kept going with a relationship for another year or two. Oh, totally terrible, so I'm glad that this situation as as unfortunate as it is, it is forcing couples to face the music in many ways in. It's just getting more real. Baiba Day yeah. I think another trend that Kinda plays into that in a different way. Is this trend of resurrection of the X.. No no I know this is. A recorded. It's happened to other people. I've shared this on the PODCAST, but I've used a lot of quarantine to figure out a past relationship of mine, which actually I think was it was kinda similar to what you were just saying like it did force us to have the conversations and really slow down, and especially, because initially we weren't quarantining together. We were just doing a lot of phone calls and just video And And you know and I think taking the physical out was actually really good for us. It was able to bring up a lot of these hard conversations that we needed to happen, or we needed to have and I think also, though I'm not the only person that has had ex comeback in his ironic to as soon as this accident I decided that we weren't going to pursue a relationship. My other ex hit out. To just you know, catch up. Do Video Call we did. We did do a video call this week and it was nice to catch up. I wouldn't say that we're like pursuing anything, but it was nice. Just catch up and I think that's where I'm going with this. It doesn't necessarily need to be. The X. becomes like a full blown relationship like my first One One was I. Think people are just lonely right now, and it's hard to necessarily pick up new people while people are definitely, D day and meeting, New People Right now it's not for everyone and I get it like when I was talking to my second X. on Monday. He was like literally. My worst nightmare is doing a video date with somewhat I. Don't know. I get it. I get it and it's not for everyone in I think there's something reassuring by talking to someone from your past in. That's why people have seen them. Come up in. We've heard stories to where it's been great in the sense like my situation. Where reopened a relationship? Then we've heard other stories where it's been a bit toxic in the patterns came back really fast, and it wasn't Like Like we're going to try this, it was like Oh am now being used by this person again, so it's one of those things that it can't. You can't be blindsided by covert like when I was looking at my whole situation, I remember my brother. Be really good vice. Him was like trying to separate your ex from Cova like.
00:45:03 - 00:50:05
Would you still want to pursue? This covid wasn't happening right Now Now writer says like you're just lonely, so yeah, and that that same advice from your brother also applies to just false intimacy in general, doesn't have to be an axe, but could just be someone that you feel like you're really connecting with, and sometimes it's hard to separate loneliness from a connection, and we're seeing that a lot of that with our listeners to its you come out of quarantine and Then Then you meet up with someone you have high hopes. And then for some reason there's no attraction orders chemistry, and it's just one big pile of disappointment when you get to meet them in person, but also kind of expect that could happen. Yeah, because our feelings are so heightened during this time, so your sense of intimacy is also very much heightened, so it's easier said than done right 'cause Then Then you can be like separate the logical side of you from the emotional side of you well, it doesn't really work like that. You can't dislike device. Divvy them up by at least recognize that is possible. Right and we've said to. It's hard right now. Because a lot of some people just aren't working right now. They've a lot of free time. And then also even if you are working, you're Probably Probably not seeing friends at the same level once were, and you don't have your like exercise classes in your routine, so it just brings a lot more time in that can be great. It can help relationships. Get off the ground, but it also get into this false intimacy. You could potentially spend eight hours talking to someone on the phone and they never talk to you again, and it's because They They just had eight hours to do nothing in. This was better than watching eight flicks, so it's really hard to figure that out, so our advice has been to try to maintain your life as much as possible and bring New People in Lake capacity. You would've done before maybe a little more open than before. Just because we are given this gift, but don't be so open that you know This This new person just like totally takes over your entire life. Absolutely that applies to even after quarantine. Yeah, don't let someone consume your whole life and we should just stop creating these stories about people before you meet them like we have these ideas in imitate what this person will be like. Even through video. You don't get the full image, so keep an open mind. Still it's still a blank slate. Could still be a shitty painting, but you never know gotta go back to my painting. Just layer on the layered on. Another trend that we've been seeing is and I think this is a lovely trend is that there are now no more taboo topics knockabout with virtual dating, because everyone's trying to connect it, because all the physical distractions are removed, the bartender drinks the atmosphere. That's all removed from a date. All you have is is each other. People are having deeper and more thoughtful conversations, and now nothing is off the table Let's talk about everything, and especially I love this with black lives matter people are now putting that at the forefront of their conversations. Is this something you believe in? Do you believe in systemic racism is? Don't like. Let's move on lights and snotty laughed. I feel yes. Absolutely, so it's great that people are having these. What a what would have been taboo topics back in the day? Remember those etiquette teachers. Don't talk about politics. Religion sags. It does don't talk about it now. Let's talk about that I. so that is wonderful. This is a great way. I think everyone's feeling themselves out on how they can connect with other people, and how they can build a deeper connection. What we're hearing more and more is that I. Hear this all the time quote. We had a really deep conversation last night. We got so deep that I was telling him things that I haven't even told my best friend. I keep hearing stuff like that and that's fantastic. Definitely diving in, and they're accelerating these conversations, but be careful false intimacy. Just because you revealed that secret, you've never told your best friend does not mean that this is your one and only soulmate such a tough line to balance because I get it. I? Mean my take is. It's better to put out more and just have not workout. Then know that you didn't try enough so as long as you're keeping that in mind, but I think this whole thing about politics especially right now one. How can I talk about it? It's so just in the forefront. Especially, even Kobe is all back to politics, and yeah, climbs tone, death, and like black lives matter right now. What a good way to see people's values and like what they stand For, For, and if they're trying to get better, and like how the self growth, or you could see so much from someone from just the how they relate to all the happening and I think like finding someone that has similar values that can be really hard on dating apps when you don't get enough time to meet them in this helps fast track at like you can find out pretty quickly like especially I think even like your propensity to wear a mask says so much about your values.
00:50:06 - 00:55:00
Yes, so yeah, no I. Think it's I think it's a good thing. We've been talking about it for a while of how know people talk about Saxon X.'s and politics and religion on dates, and now it's just you know it's amplified. You can only do data view for so long dated. Don't work. I think the data. Views have gone away like fuck boys, I think. Data views I can shoot themselves away because they just don't serve anything anymore after you've had one data view over zoom. You're like I might as well just go on a job interview. This is like surfing my. Magic doing data you right now like I feel like going. From, video calls to get the call that feels like a work. Call would be like. Terrible yeah, yeah. Please, please don't. So then our last trend that we're seeing is I. Think this is the time where people are really going to figure out what matters to them. It's been a time of self love I. think that's been clearly especially. If you've been quarantined alone, you've had a lot of time with yourself. And even if you haven't been quarantined alone like with a partner, you've been able to hash some of that stuff out of a relationship means to you and your partner, and if you live with roommates, you've probably had your own time for self reflection to and I think A A lot of people have come out of this really clear about what they want. One of our most popular episodes. This season was relationship. Are you sure you want one and I think a lot of people are questioning it I think there's two sides to the coin here. I think on one side. This cove has shown us that life is short in relationships. Really are what matters in life like at the end of the day you know doing that. One last work project is really not gonNA probably make or break your life versus having not person just loves You You through thick and thin, so I think that piece is has shown a lot of light with covert, but then on the flip side is we hear of all these people that are really struggling right now, either in relationships or with children balancing that with work in. There's something nice about being like you know. I can support myself I'm happy with myself, and maybe I don't WanNA relationship and I. Don't think either one is right or wrong, but I do think this time is giving people a lot of clarity into what their priorities are in. Your priority is Now Now does it mean it has to be that in a year or six months or whatever, but it's giving a lot of just I think before people were just very confused. Because of all the past they could take now. There's a bit more direction. Yes, absolutely, and it's a great time to think about it. You're ask yourself all the questions that you've asked yourself in passing, but you never spent the time to actually stop and answer is off so this question of do I actually want to relationship. Am I ready for relationship? What kind of relationship do I Ideally Ideally want to have those are all questions that you should be asking yourself, and it's also good time to shush out society, and with society's telling you to do I. Think for so long I think especially in San Francisco there was kind of a lot of pressure to be on this train of an unconventional non traditional relationships, so everyone's kind of trying it out and of those for them. We actually had talked to someone who was on that train, and then went back to traditional relationships because she's like I realized. I just don't want to be pressured into Doing Doing something non traditional, and this is a great time to think aside from what everybody else is doing what the trends are. What do I ultimately want whether it's traditional untraditional? It's from me and it doesn't have to have a label on at absolutely and I think for anyone that hasn't listen to one of our last episodes. Mingy I date me I that I think was one of my favorite episodes of all time because I mean one I just related so hard because I've been there before like outside of quarantine of going through that like brutal breakup that Really Really makes you confront yourself and really get to the root of what attain ownership for your own actions did not just blaming the other person, but also taking that time to figure out. What is it that you really want and I think it's also relatable to anyone even if they're not going to break up, but just has been alone with themselves for the first time like I. Know for myself I did this alone work a long time ago because I was in that situation, and it was really brutal in it actually really prepared me for now because I Don't Don't think it was as big of a jolt, if I hadn't done it so I, know for me like it was Super Helpful to journal, and to really get it out of like. What is it that I want like what is important there is? We had a pass gas. Amy Spencer from finding your half orange in her book I highly recommend. I would literally take her book and bring it to Lake. was a spa back in the day.
00:55:00 - 01:00:19
When you can go to spas, but now you can bring it to parks that I missed so much. What do you miss the most spas? But you could bring it to a park and I remember there was just like a lot of visualization. Houses of what is a perfect day for you with a partner like what does that look like or maybe it ends up being that you don't see a partner that picture and it's really about yourself in I think just doing that work is so important to have like a North Star of where you WanNa be going, and this doesn't just apply to single people I know people in relationships can learn from this to even if you are living with someone in a relationship with some married to someone, you still have to date yourself. You can't be reliant on your Partner Partner Twenty, four seven. I've learned from Menzies Episode. I started putting on perfume and lipstick because I was like I'm dating myself. I'm doing this for myself. You know I want to look and feel normal for myself and I really love that piece of advice as she gave just sometimes you get lost even in the day-to-day now you you forget to just like. Sit Down and check in and say how you doing today How are you? Let's let's talk about how your day's Mongolia, so I i. really love that piece of advice, but also part of the trend Of Of Quarantine absolutely cuong is that those are top six? We have more, but those are top six. We actually combined a few of them to these are the six that we've been talking about. We also have some killer. Predictions for the future of how dating will forever change, but we'll get to that on another episode I. Just I want to say like my closing remark on this. Just talking about trends is everyone's GonNa, come out of quarantine fee like a different person like a two point Oh look at me, but historically you'll see that societal trends are people always Fall Fall back to this not as I mean, things are going to go back to the same with swiping and and how people use a date. What challenge everyone is just hang on to that one percent change just one percent of something accept the fact that whatever you're feeling right now. It probably won't stay this way forever, but at least there's one thing that you can change. That can stick in your love life and let this stick just one thing that's just choose one I love that that was so well, said and I'm just GonNa. Leave it at that mic drop. One thing let it be about onto quarantine when it first started all the hobbies we wanted to do. Take on one end. Mine is bad painting. One Spanish phrase learning the entire language is good enough. But just what like incremental? That's all we need to really work on. That's it love it fabulous. That's it for this bonus. Episode will have way more so I I. Never stopped. We call this off. Season is actually just a ten point ten point five. Point five see. We have a really good one with Shell from kind of dating that. We're going to air next week so definitely. Check that out and stay with us on the off season. We're GONNA have a lot of really good content, and of you would like to be a guest on season eleven or know someone who'd be a really good guess. Please reach out to us. Our emails super easy. It's just hello at dateable podcast. Friendly Dot Com. Hello Hello You can also submit a dateable podcast dot com slash story, and if you don't have a story, per, se, but you have a topic that you either want to speak to, or you just are dying to hear someone else. Talk about feel free to drop that either in the email or in the form on the website to fabulous everyone. Please wear masks. Stay safe. I'll say this again. We're fucking mask. For the sake of everyone, so we can get out of the sooner. Okay, let's understand that though I feel like at the beginning of this, we did the like stay safe. Say dateable, safe six feet apart, but I feel like. To! Away from. That's all that's all I have to say, but we're going to wrap this positive note. We'll say stadium this time. We'll say sustainable, but you know what I'm really saying. Here we go say. Yo powerful on your mask fuckers. Database podcast is part of the FROLIC podcast network. Find more podcast. You'll love at frolic. Dot Media Slash podcasts want to continue the conversation I follow us on Instagram. FACEBOOK and twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag US in any post with a Hashtag. Stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com there you'll find all the episodes As As well as articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts, you can also find our premium why series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums also downloadable for free on spotify apple podcast Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms.
01:00:19 - 01:00:26
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