It's the offseason baby! Join us as we talk about Julie's bday celebration that Yue was in town for plus the big debate we got into re: sleeping with a partner (not in the way you think). We're also reairing the episode we did on Sydney Lotuaco's podcast 'Something to share' all about how to navigate modern dating in today's world. We discuss avoiding dating scenarios like the extremes of West Elm Caleb and the Tinder Swindler, the shifts in dating over the past 6 years, and how to get inspired to continue your dateable jouney to enjoy dating again!
Follow Sydney @sydneylotuaco and check out her podcast 'Something to Share'
Thank you to our partners for this episode:
Kensington Books: Kensington’s newest titles The Last Mile and The Last Goodnight by Kat Martin. You can find both titles wherever books are sold or visit kensingtonbooks.com
Ettitude: Get 20% off your order of bamboo sheets, plus free shipping for a limited time when you visit https://www.ettitude.com/dateable
BONUS: Avoiding West Elm Calebs, Tinder Swindlers, and Navigating Modern Dating w/ Sydney Lotuaco of Something to Share
00:00:00 - 00:05:03
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Then send them out to that special summon in under 60 minutes or scheduled up to two weeks in advance. It's basically the ultimate gifting cheat code because drinks are basically the ultimate gift. Think about it. When's the last time you returned alcohol? Never exactly. So if you're looking to spend more time celebrating and less time gift shopping, download the drizzly app or go to drizzly dot com that's DRI dot com to find their perfect drinks without breaking the bank today. The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host UA Shu, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Hello, dateable Friends. Welcome to the off season of the day will podcast. We are in purgatory here between season 14 and 15 and we will not stop bringing you content. It's just we're taking a little break from our interviews, but here we are. Again, time and time again. I love the off season because it also gives us an opportunity to share some of the podcasts we were on and we have one today. We have a podcast that we did with Sidney lech Waco from the bachelor. She was a contestant, but also bachelor in Paradise and some of the other continuation ones. UA, you probably know way more about this than I. I admittedly am not a huge bachelor fan. But I did love talking to Sydney and being on her podcast something to share. She was on our season and we talked about how she went from having no relationship experience to getting engaged to someone who slid into her DMs. It's actually quite the cutest love story, but on her podcast, if we talk about everything modern dating and when we had this conversation, she was on tour, right? No, no, she was already back. No, she was on tour for our podcast. That's what it was. For this one, she was in her home in Ohio, I've ever been like, damn, I really like your recording area. She's like, this is just my hallway. Yeah, yeah, she has a really cute space. And on her podcast, we talk about, this is when west elm Caleb was like the big deal. Thank goodness people are forgetting about him. He's the street now. No big deal, nothing happened. There's a new guy. We learned about, right? Long Island, Kevin. Was that who it was? Too many, too many of these. Just bad dating behavior. But we talk about him not too much. And then we just talk about general modern dating. It's a really cute conversation because not cute. And that's not the right word. It's a really great really compelling conversation because she does come from very little relationship experience. In fact, her relationship with a bachelor was actually probably the most serious relationship. She had been in. And before that, it was a lot of here and there. So we should ships. So many situations. So the question she asked us were just a very fresh take on modern dating.
00:05:03 - 00:10:00
So not going in with the relationship focus, but purely on the dating experience side of things. And she also, you know, she sourced from her community a lot of just general dated questions that are probably very similar to the ones that you all have. So definitely looking forward to re airing this episode, giving everyone a chance to learn more about our perspective around modern dating, which if you've been tuning in for a while, you've probably heard somewhat, but like you said, there's always a new lens when someone else asks us the questions. It's always fun doing interviews because then we don't have to do the thinking. We just talk. Yeah. Because all this stuff, we already know. We don't need a prep because it's just all in our head. And when we don't need to be the ones asking questions, so easy. What I do love about her podcast though is I do remember we had a prep one thing. It's the very start because her podcast is called something to share. Think of something. I won't give away what our answers were. We'll let you listen on. We had to, what was it like something that was like from your bed stand? Yeah, something interesting or unique from your bed stand. But vibe wasn't from my bed stamp. It wasn't? No. Okay, now I don't know. I don't know. We had to bring something. To break something to share, basically, heads the day of the podcast. Yeah. I think it was something that described us in a way. No, mine did not describe me. Something silly. Or interesting. Maybe we got the one anymore. We got different assignments. That would be incredible if I was like, oh, I thought it was this. If you had a totally different take. You've heard of people having parties like that, right? You tell half the guests, it's a costume party, and the other half, it's not. Oh my God, that's amazing. I have a dot. I feel like we did a throw one of those just to fuck with people. That'd be so good. I mean, I've seen movies with like one person shows up at the costume. But opposing opposing costumes, you know? You guys are westerners, like cowboys, and then the other half are like princesses. Okay, next data event we do, we're totally doing that. Yeah, but you can't share with the other part. The other people, what the assignment is something not to share. Something not to share. Don't ruin the surprise. What a fun week, though. I'm in San Francisco, Julie and I got to catch up and then we had a really fun birthday dinner for her with all of our girlfriends. It was such a good time. I feel like obviously I love being with my partner and all that, but there's just something really nice about a girl's dinner. You know, it just changes the vibe. Totally. Part of the reason why, I mean, I obviously spent enough celebratory time with my partner over the weekend, so I don't think he was offended, but it was really hard to book more than 8 people at any restaurant. So I was either doing something at my house or only the girls. There was no way I could do like a 16 person dinner. There's just no way. And the conversations you have with your girlfriends are different. What you would, with your partner and you might say different things of your partner's present. So it's kind of like unfiltered, right? I was thinking about that. It's not like we're different, but the conversations wouldn't have been the same. No. No. I don't think he would have found half the things very interesting at all. Do you have a top sheet? I was going to say, we got in a very serious debate here. Ed maybe we could do like an Instagram poll and get our list or base because you know it's kind of related to data relationships and sex and anything to do with bedroom, but the big debate was. Do you like to sleep with sheets or no sheets? The top sheet that kind of goes over. You more of a right on the comforter or alternate blanket, I revealed I have an alternate fleece blanket. So we got really down and dirty into what everyone's preferences was. And we also talked about I have this happen when one partner where you're sharing a bed with someone has a different preference than you. I do remember we had no one to call it a fight, but many funny disagreement when one day I was not under this top sheet of my partner was because you can not cuddle basically if one person is under one person. And I'm team no top sheet. I don't understand. I have a duvet cover. That is plenty enough for me. I just cleaned the duvet cover with the top sheet. I feel like I often kick it to the side. Like when I'm at a hotels, I just, I just rip it out because I don't, I don't use it. I don't understand the purpose of it. Yeah, so I've always had a top sheet, but until my current partner, I've never used it. I've always slept on top of it. And then I have the fleece blanket, and then I have the comforter.
00:10:00 - 00:15:04
It's like, I don't need a third one. And this is the debate too. I feel like it's warmer when you're on the fleece blanket than on the sheet, but then the argument is you have more layers. We could go on all day on this, but anyways, probably everyone's like, I don't give a fuck, but yeah, maybe you have a strong opinion on that. We did. Because clearly our table did give a fuck about this. Well, it is, you know, it was one of those things when you're in a new relationship and you're sharing a bed. It's very revealing what happens when you first share a bed. It's different than sleeping over because when you sleep over someone's house, you just kind of cater to adjust their use. Because that's their home. But when you're sharing a bed, long term or you're moving in with someone, it can get very feisty. You know, though, I feel like a lot of our listeners probably feel this way because I definitely did. I remember being like, I don't know how ever gonna share a bed with someone long term. Because I feel like, you know, when you're casually dating, similar to what you're saying, when you're more of like a guest in someone else's place or someone's in your place for very early on, it's really difficult to sleep, I found. I would be up all night, or if they were snoring it, game over. But now, you know, you just learn to adapt, and now I actually have trouble sleeping on my own. It's so what you're supposed to do. Yeah. Yeah, I would actually kind of agree, I think. I can't fall asleep as fast when I'm sleeping alone. Something contagious about a partner falling asleep and you're like, okay, I feel sleepy too. But if he's not around, I'm on my phone till like 3 a.m.. So this is my secret that I learned is I like to wear pajamas to bed. Like they're not like sexy pajamas with pants and a cottage T-shirt. Like a tech T-shirt that I've got it a lot of the years. Very unsexy, basically. And when you're trying to kind of impress someone, do, you don't want to wear that. Oh yeah, but then I learned that that was part of the reason I had trouble sleeping. Because I was out of my normal attire. In some robe or something that I would never sleep in normally. And then basically when I was like, fuck it, I'm just gonna wear this stuff. That's when I could sleep again. So we need to do a whole episode about this. Like, what you wear to bed, depending on where you are in the relationship. I do remember like a post in our Facebook group about this, and I did offer that up. I was like, I think part of it was just feeling comfortable. Yeah. There's gotta be comfortable lingerie. Come on, I've worn lingerie to bed, and I'm like, this shit is not comfortable. No. I don't feel sexy. I don't feel comfortable. I don't want this. I know some people do sleep naked. I've never been one of those people. I can't. Yeah, I can't do it. I just can't. It's so uncomfortable to me. I feel like we need to do the top sheet knows sheet convo and then sleeping naked or in pajamas. Okay. Follow us on Instagram for all those polls for all these really dying tools. The only people that care are you a and I were like, oh my God, 60% notion. And everyone else is like, I thought this was a dating podcast. Hey, it's all interconnected. It's all interconnected. I think this is a huge Cabo of day day because, you know, I think that, again, was my problem as I was trying to be someone I wasn't in the sense of how I appeared in my sleep patterns. Maybe we should do that as our solo episode when we interviewed each other. Just about the different stages of relationships and how much you let your true self, I think that's interesting. Definitely. Because like in the beginning, I'm hiding shit in my bathroom. It doesn't need to see the tampons. I'm using nice toilet paper. I want to make sure that all my cute stuff is out, but now four years in and it's like, this is who I am. Yeah, yeah. My boyfriend's like, maybe it's time to throw out that shirt. Yeah. Probably. I think you're right. Like the one that you wear to bed every night, and you would never be caught dead in that. You were like, yeah, he's like, I'm sick of seeing Uber every night. Time to throw that shit away. I feel like I definitely, in my current relationship, I think I was pretty myself early on. Okay. Okay. I think you have the past, I may be doing this dance a little more. Which is why I could never sleep at night. And I just said fuck it. He's gonna find out eventually, and I want a good 8 hour sleep. That's all I want is 8 hours of sleep. You're like the Julie without 8 hours of sleep. Right, is a lot worse than a lot less sexy than what you're seeing. Okay? So this is for your own good buddy. Hey, I feel like the more authentic you could be from day one, the better.
00:15:04 - 00:20:03
Just, you know, like let's put it all on the table. See if it's a match or not. Maybe it's like stage in life or age two, I remember just like sleeping over guys houses when I was in my 20s and just waiting for them to fall asleep first. I don't want to be the first much falsely. Yeah, because I don't want them to hear me snore too. Yeah. Same. And it reminds me of marvelous misses basil when she never seen it. Oh my God, she wakes up early to basically do like a full set of makeup. So it looks like that's how she wakes up every night. Yeah, bridesmaids. There's a go to bed. Exactly. It's like a very common thing of movies, how come it is a real life anymore. That's another thing. Also, this took place to the 20s, but yeah. I was like, I can't even imagine waiting for them to fall asleep and setting my alarm early so I can just have this perception that this is how you look all the time. I remember keeping just a glass of water on my bed stand. So the first thing I do in the morning when I wake up is to drink some water, so your breath isn't as stinky. That's a little trick. That's smart. But I remember just being like, oh my God, I'm awake. I must drink the water now. Do not talk to me, do not look at me. The things we do. And then, you know, you're getting a relationship and anything goes. I know, I just remember one of my Friends being like, I love being in a relationship because I don't have to shave anymore. Yeah, let's do that. Let's talk about the different stages of a relationship and it also pooping. Oh my God, pooping is definitely one of them. I feel like you hide it and now I'm just like, look, this is what's happening. It's not even a deal. It can be constipated anymore, okay? Like you talk it through it out, right? Yeah. And you're like, don't go in there. Yeah, but in the beginning, I would just be like holding it like running home to do it in the coming back out. We're like going to public restrooms. I'm just going to go to Starbucks for a quick pee. What have I read went out an early trip with her now husband this probably wouldn't happen anymore, and he just disappeared for a really long time. And she's like, where did you go? And he basically went to use another bathroom. Wow. Because he really had to poo and didn't want to use the one bathroom in their hotel room. Wow. So apparently this is everyone, not just women, it's everyone that's going through this that really stages. Which is so funny, what do you think about it? Because it's every human does. Everyone poops. Like why would this be something that would be unattractive? It's human nature. You want poops, but for some reason, at the start of a relationship, you do not poop. You never poop. Nope, you smell like roses all the time. What was that review we got that we only talk about shitting or something? They were bad. I would say, you know, of the reviews, there's been a few that have really stuck out. I mean, the biggest one was what we were called shit back. Pieces of shit, I forget what it was even. Yeah, pieces of shit. That was the number one. And we should be arrested. God knows who put that up. The second one was definitely that we talked about number two a lot. Oh, yeah. It was written that way. I hope you talk about granted we are talking about it right this minute, but I would say I could count on the number of 250 episodes we've done or sorry, 300 episodes we've done. Shit, shit, yeah. 300 episodes. I love the 300 episodes. I think it may be three. Come on, my other favorite review we got was when someone over the pandemic when I was not dating at all. Told me that I sounded like I had a wild, unstable dating life. You're like, yes. Thank you. I appreciate it. I did right this minute. What a compliment. Have you heard of modern dating? It also we are pulling from ten years of experience here. This is not all happening day of. The reviews are so funny. Because some people are catching us at a snapshot in our life and there may be listening to like two or three episodes and coming to conclusions about us through those two or three episodes. It's fine. It's human nature, but they're super entertaining when they're so outlandish. They should be arrested and that we are promoting what we're promoting. Basically like women to speak up for themselves. That's the thing though, is you don't know who these people are at all. I feel like I actually, because you can see the reviews they leave for others podcasts. And I remember like the woman that said that I had the volatile dating life was like married for years.
00:20:03 - 00:25:06
Oh, to her, yeah, right. So anyone else, yeah, this is modern dating. This is normal. You just don't know. Anyways. Talk more about that on this episode. In this episode too. Right. We'll get into all the data questions where all the people that are actually dating will understand and feel the pain and not think that it's wild and volatile. Or maybe you do, but just accept that's kind of what's going on right now. Okay, so before we get into it, announcements at dateable podcast is where to follow us. If you want to take those polls that we alluded to, you should get on there now because they'll be coming. And love in the time of Corona is our Facebook group and of course you can join the sounding board, which is our premium community where I was thinking about this the other day is like our episode last week. We talked about the importance of love in your life. And I think community plays into that too, and we definitely saw that in the thick of the pandemic is it really helped with loneliness and just mental health, to have other people that get what's going on for you. We were just talking about moderate data could be a wild ride and if you find yourself in a position where all your friends are married and not to say that you shouldn't be friends with these people, of course, that they may not understand truly what you're going through, so the sounding board is a great place to be with other people that get it and can support you on your journey and of course us as well. We'll be there. We do monthly office hours where you can ask us anything. So let's I think that's it for announcement. So let's hear from our sponsors. This episode is sponsored by Kensington books and we've got two books to highlight. First up, the last mile by Kat Martin. Channeling Indiana Jones, New York Times bestselling author Kat Martin, pairs a woman in search of her family's truth with a hard hitting professional treasure hunter for the second blood ties romantic thriller. As an unknown assailant stalks them across a treacherous Sierra madre wilderness, they race to follow their treasure maps directions to a hidden trove of gold, a novel of taut suspense and danger. Another great book by Kat Martin is called the last good night. From Colorado's cattle country to Denver high rises and the posh mansions of veil, a female PI and the rancher who hired her, race to deliver justice in this sexy, high octane romantic thriller. Can she find a killer before he finds her? It's no doubt that cat Martin's tightly plotted action packed romances are just a steamy as they are thrilling. By now more about the last mile and the last good night on Kensington books dot com or wherever books are sold. This episode is made possible by sugar break. 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Now for our listeners only get 15% off your entire order, just visit sugar break dot com slash dateable and use a code dateable for 15% off. This applies to any products on the site. Again, just go to WWW dot sugar break dot com slash dateable and use a code dat for 15% off your entire order. Okay, let's take it away with our episode with Sydney latoya. Julie, you may welcome to the podcast. I said that right, correct. Yeah. That was perfect. Welcome to the podcast. The dynamic duo of dateable podcast. How are you guys? We're a fantastic. How are you? I'm doing good. I'm excited to take a deep dive on dating. I asked you guys before we started recording, but it's nice to hear that you aren't sick of talking about this topic because that's most of what we're going to talk about today. Never. Never. And you've been doing this podcast for now 6 years, is that correct? Yeah. 6 years. That's very impressive. I am wondering what made you want to initially start a podcast about dating, where you felt, did you feel like super successful in it, and you wanted to share? Are you having what was the impetus of dateable? I would say anything but feeling super successful. That's why we started it. When we first started, UA was new to San Francisco, so you were recently single, just exploring, and just baffled by the dating scene.
00:25:07 - 00:30:07
And I was in an on again off again relationship where, you know, anytime you're on again off again for too long, that's never a good time. Never a good thing. So we were both coming at it as what is happening with modern love and why is it so challenging for us? And then for all our friends and all the people we talk to. Yeah, I mean dating for sure will bring up a lot and some people are like really successful about it immediately and they've picked their one person and it's good but then I did not feel like that and I would have been nice to have known about your podcast at the time because I feel like with anything it teaches you a lot about yourself and I want to reality TV dating show to figure out my dating experience everyone's different but there's definitely a period of time where you have to really learn a lot about yourself about what you want and it's nice that they have a resource like you guys to turn to. But that's a good point though Sydney is that you kind of have to be in a place of receiving this information and I think a lot of us when we start dating, we're not in that place. We just want to go out and try it we think we know what we're looking for. We think we know what a good relationship looks like. And I don't know about you, but the more I dated, the less I felt like I knew. I think you also bring up a good point too of that it's so much of it's about you as the individual because when we started the dateable podcast in 2016, the podcast was completely different than it is now. We thought it would be funny dating stories trials at tribulations of what happened and what we realized was so much of it was the deeper side and why dating is so difficult is that it's a reflection of you at the end of the day. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. It's super lovely when you learn that and then you can do that work on yourself in order to find the success, but it can be very frustrating because when you don't realize that it can feel like you're running against a wall over and over again and getting the same kind of situations and dating. So yeah, I'm excited to talk about a lot of them today before we do I ask these initial questions of every guest and I would love to hear from you both individually. First question is something to share either from your nightstand surprising or with an interesting backstory. So usually it's an object, it can really be any way that you want to take it, but do you have anything that comes to mind? We were taxing back and forth, we're like, what are we going to show? How appropriate are you going to be? And I'm just going to go there, well, I'm not going to go there, but I'm going to go here. This is very embarrassing. I have nasal strips. Can you see that? Yeah. In my next stand. Because I don't know, as soon as I turn 35, I think, for the last 6 years, I've been snoring up a storm. And I didn't realize till I started dating my now partner and he's like, you have a real snoring problem. So I'm trying to figure out every way to cure that, but these nasal strips do not work. No, they don't. No. See, that's the reflect. I've tried those two. What you're single, you're just living in ignorance, right? I'm not a nobody else. Yeah. You're like, I don't know. I didn't hear it. I don't do it. Yeah. It's so fun to find out things about yourself that you could have never known, you know? Yeah, have you figured out something that works because I sometimes struggle with the same thing from time to time. And yeah, the strips do not no, not at all as something that has worked. Earplugs for him. This is a problem now. I think sometimes you figure it out. It can be what side you're sleeping on is what my partner and I have realized. Like if you're sleeping on your back versus your sides and sometimes I just have to push them over. Oh yeah, no, he pushes me all the time and I get real mad and I have whacked him in the face a few times. You know, it's just a self defense reflexive thing. But the earplugs have worked really well and then just having him fall asleep before I do. Also works too. That's what happens with me. I feel like I don't do it anymore, but maybe it's because he falls asleep before me. There you go. Yeah. Julie, what do you have to share with us? You know, I went in a little bit of a different direction, but it's also in the mode of self exploration. So actually we did this episode on our podcast last week about just the energy and vibe you bring, especially when dating and the different aspects of your personality that show up. And I did this training that was basically a test of what color energy you bring out. So it's all about just aspects of your personality and how they show up. So this is ordered in my order. So yellow is the top, then red, then green, then blue. And yellow is more like sunshine, personality, positive energy, very social and friendly, and then red is more straight to the point, get things done more of that type a personality bold fiery, that aspect.
00:30:07 - 00:35:02
So I thought this was really interesting to understand. It's kind of like Myers Briggs, but it's just colors instead of letters. And you could also see that on these. It says, how is the best? What's the best way to talk to you and communicate with you? So yellow, for instance, is involve me. As someone that's social and friendly, if I'm left out of the conversation, that's going to be true for me. So I like doing all these little tests of just to better understand myself. And I think it's really interesting and I think it relates a 100% to dating because it's like, how are you showing up? How are the people with you showing up and how do you work with that? Because, you know, we're not all the same. Yeah, I love a personality test more than anything. And I think it does apply to dating too, 'cause it's like, oh, this is what I need to feel fulfilled. And I can apply to like, this is how I need to be loved, or this is now I feel love or can be shown love. And any type of relationship. So I think it's really important to understand yourself and it sounds like you guys have continue to do that. Especially too, because we're not always the same. So we tend to change. So checking in with yourself every once in a while, it's important. What are those called those LEGO looking things that you just showed me? I know they are. It's from this company. It's called insights. So you can do the test from them. Okay. And why they chose to do them as Legos, I have absolutely. It's fine. But it's something that you can keep the idea is that you keep them on your desk, so when people are interacting with you, they know. Oh my gosh. Are you serious? She's a yellow. Let's include her. Actually, exactly. That's amazing. Okay, I'll have to look into those. Next question, anything that's been on your heart or mind lately for each of you. How deep do you want to get? Fully there for the deep or surface, whatever you want to bring today. Put on your home. I think for me, and I've been thinking about this for a few years now, is as I get older, I feel like time just flies by so much faster. And all I want to do is for time to slow down. But then I think about my younger self, like in middle school and high school. You can not wait to graduate high school. You can not wait to be in your 20s. You can not wait to drink and go to the bars. It's like everything is about future future events. I can't wait to be an adult. And now I feel like I've completely slowed down that thought and I can not wait for to savor this moment, like this hour we have together versus thinking about like, I can't wait for my vacation in a few months. Has there been a way for you to feel like you've slowed things down or it's just like embracing the moment? Yeah, I think that's the hardest thing for me because my mind was racist and I realized that it's really hard for me to be present. So currently I'm enrolled in this program. It's called positive intelligence. And what the coach has you do is whenever you want to just slow down time, you focus on one of your senses. Like for me, I'll rub my two fingertips together just to feel like the ridges on my fingertips, then you cut it, everything kind of goes into slo-mo when you do that. Yeah, it's like, I like it. It's like a grounding to bring you back into the moment. It's very cool. Julie, what's on your heart or mind? So I'm about to do egg freezing too much. Yeah. So that is definitely on my mind. Are you already on the hormones and all of that? Not yet. They start tomorrow. Okay. So yeah, I've just started this. And yeah, I think it's a lot. I was kind of going back with my partner too. Should we do embryo freezing? Should we do egg freezing? And it just brings up a lot because it's almost you're doing the reverse order of things that you're making these decisions before you get married. Before you live together, all the stuff. It's a very interesting way of doing it, but it makes sense because you're preserving time and you have your biological clock that's taking in the same time. And yeah, I think it's just on my mind, obviously doing horror modes and injections and all that stuff doesn't sound like that much fun, but you know, I'm gonna do it and it's got a greater good. Excited to get it over with. Yeah. I've heard from talking to people about that recently kind of pushes a relationship forward a lot, 'cause you have to ask all of the harder questions, even if you were not married or whatever. It JumpStart how has that affected your relationship with having those conversations? We definitely did that this weekend. And I think it did bring up a lot, and you know, it was hard. Some of it in the moment, but I actually believe we did get to a better place a more commitment from having it.
00:35:03 - 00:40:03
And you're right, if we didn't have that as the catalyst, we might not have had that conversation. Yeah, and maybe you would have felt alone doing it more if you had enough had those conversations. So it's good that the ultimate DTR. Yeah. What is a freeze my eggs? To find the relationship. I guess that. Yeah. Took me a second. All right, well, let's get to relationships and dating and all of the stuff that you guys are very good at. First of all, your podcast is called dateable. Like I said, you've been doing this for 6 years. So I'm curious with doing this podcast for so long and talking about the same essential thing dating. What if you notice or have you noticed anything as far as shifts that have been made over the past 6 years in dating? I think one major observation we've seen is for so long daters get into the dating scene like they do when they go on the bachelor or bachelorette. It's all about chasing the other person convincing them to like you back. But there's we don't take a pause and think about, well, do I actually like this person? So it feels very pageantry in that, in the sense that we feel like, oh, the first couple dates, I have to be, I have to present the best version of myself. And I can't let this person see this other side of me because I need to know that I'm getting a second date or a third date. The shift we're seeing now after the pandemic is people are saying, fuck it to that. I don't need to the right person. I don't need to convince them to love me back. They're just going to love me for who I am. And it's a very liberating place that we're in. That's huge to realize that you're like, this is who I am. This is what you're getting, because I think that person will come out no matter what. And sometimes that can surprise people when you get to a certain point in your relationship and you're like, who is this person? This is not the person I started dating. Yeah. Julie, what were you going to say? Yeah, I think one really interesting thing. There's been a lot that has stayed the same, and there's a lot that has changed over the last 6 years. But one part that we're constantly unraveling. And I think every year it just continues to unravel more is these ingrained gender roles in the way that we thought we would date. And that plays off what UA was saying was that it was always, you know, especially in heterosexual relationships. The man chooses the woman, the woman leans back, they're not sustained anything. There's rules we go by. There's terrible advice we got from books like why men marry bitches and Cosmo. And it's hard because we're a lot of us, I think, especially millennial generation Gen Z, I think has a fighting chance on this. So millennial and above are fighting this constant traditional aspect that we've been told and ingrained in our former years with what modern dating is. And that is a challenge for both men and women and what I think one of the things that we're seeing too is that everyone is playing this game of relationship chicken, which basically means that no one is making them move. And a lot of that is because, you know, men with me too and stuff, it's hard to make those moves, especially in places like the workplace, you're not going to go out on a limb because now you don't just get rejected, but you're a sexual harasser. So there's a lot more at stake. And I think a lot of that movement and everything that's happened for women, like net net is a great positive thing. But kind of the downfall of it is that now everyone's just a little confused. There's no rules, which again is a great thing that lets people be who they are, but it doesn't. There's no playbook. No one knows what to do. So a lot of times people are just sitting in purgatory, waiting for things to happen. And what we have seen the shift like you, I was saying, is that people are starting to take a bit more accountability if this like fuck it mentality is, especially with the pandemic, life is short, let's make things happen. So I do think the shift is coming, but over the last 6 years, I think when we first started this, we had way more traditional views than we do now. And I think a lot of people are starting to come out of it, but it's a constant struggle when you've been told one thing your entire life. Yeah, I was wondering if that would probably get confusing because before I was almost like there's clear steps to take, which maybe they weren't correct necessarily but now it's like there's no steps because everyone's like, what are we actually doing? So what would you tell to someone who feels like I don't know how to act like I don't know how to date right now like I don't know what's right and what's wrong? What would you say to someone like that? Well the flip side that makes it beautiful is that we create the love lives we want back then we had a very rigid book that we followed and a lot of that led to divorce, which is another reason why I think people in our generation are commitment phobic and we saw that that way didn't work. So this is actually a huge opportunity to kind of paint the relationship and design the relationship we want.
00:40:04 - 00:45:00
So what I would say to people is instead of looking at it as confusing, look at it as I can pave my own path and that means that I can just be my authentic self and do what I want in the right person is going to be a want is going to want to be alone. It's a real opportunity right now for daters to be honest about what they're going through. Like what you just said Sydney is someone could bring that on a date and say, I'm not actually a little confused by what's going on in the dating scene. This is what I'm comfortable doing. What are you comfortable doing? And then two people just keep meeting each other versus trying to guess and play psychics of like, I'm going to guess what this person wants. And it's a very vulnerable and human moment when we can bring that honesty to a date. And just admit that I don't know what the fuck is going on. I would agree. That would be refreshing when someone's like, especially if like a guy, for example, because usually you have to wait to call them three days without you to be the whole thing, but if they're like, you know what? Fuck it, I want to call you tomorrow. I don't know what the protocol is here, but this is how I feel. I think that would be very refreshing. So the more people can probably just be open and honest, I think that would be for sure. But yeah, I don't personally what I stop playing those games, and that's what things fell into place for me. And if I could get back all the hours, I waited for someone to text me that they never did. Instead of just texting them, I'd rather just know that they're not interested because that is over. Yeah. Or if you do text them, it's like 8 texts later. You're like, how do you get here? Yeah. One more question on that because you guys are dateable podcasts. Like what would you consider make someone quote unquote dateable? Like what are good qualities to have to be dateable? Well, I'm going to describe basically our Facebook community because I think we have some of the most dateable members. People who are open to new ways and new perspectives, people who are eager to learn and curious, people who listen more than they speak and then also there's this aspect of just this honesty who can be open and vulnerable in what they're feeling instead of being performative and being someone that they think other people want them to be. Take accountability for themselves opposed to blame others. It's a big one. It's easy to blame the apps, your city, all that stuff, but having the emotional intelligence to see how you are showing up and make the accordingly, even if that's not always the easiest thing. That's so important. I like cannabis. Yeah, that's a very good one. All right, well let's get to a couple scenarios that we can get back to more of a questions I have. There's quite a few and I'm really bad at reading and talking sold just like bear with me. Hey Sydney, I know you've previously said in the past that your relationship with Nick is my fiance is the first relationship that you've been in, IE first boyfriend, et cetera. I'm just wondering, do you ever get jealous that he's previously been in other relationships before you and how do you deal with it? Do you guys talk about do you guys talk about it? Do you ask him questions about the relationships? Does it come up in fights? How do you resolve it? How do you eventually get over it? How have you come to accept and move forward? Then she goes on to say, never been in a relationship, but I'm also a jealous person, so I imagine it might cause problems later. So basically, if you haven't dated a lot, you're in a new relationship and you get jealous or is it okay to be jealous? Work through those jealousy things. Well, how would you answer that question? Well, I told her I was like, thank you for this, obviously. I would just say with my relationship, for example, because this is my first relationship, this is not my fiance's first relationship. He has had other past relationships, but they're now married with kids, so that helps a little bit, but when the jealousy has come up and it always will naturally in certain situations, I just remind myself he's in this relationship for a reason. Those other relationships ended for a reason. Yes. As long as he's not continuing to talk to them and have a relationship with them, I'm perfectly fine knowing that I am comfortable in the relationship that we have. So I don't need to worry about other people or other relationships that have happened in the past, but I can see where she's coming from where it's like hard to want it's your first relationship, feel like the chosen one in a way when you just know that you're not his first. Well, it's like she chose him to be the first, so that's really special for her. But not everyone has the same type of experience. I think the way I would look at it is that even I think the word relationships is very broad. So the relationship that you have with your fiance is different than the relationship he had with someone else. And instead of looking at it that he's had all of these and you've had none, think about it that we're both new to this current relationship. So this is an experience that we're both in for the first time. This relationship is different than others. And let's not group all of them together. Look at it more of this is us.
00:45:00 - 00:50:01
So I think that's the first thing. The other is we have all had relationship experience. Maybe it wasn't romantic, maybe it wasn't defined. Like if it was official relationship, but we all have friends. We all have family members. We all have relational skills and ultimately that's what's important is how can you relate to one another, not your roster of past relationships? And quite frankly, I think sometimes people that have had less relationships might be in a better place because you don't have that jadedness and you don't have some of the aspects that come with just the continuous churn of relationships. So I would say no relationship history is superior or inferior over one another. And to be fair, Nick has witnessed you on TV, having romantic connections with other people too. I think what we need to think about in this scenario is everybody from your past has set you up to be what the person you are with today. So for me, because I kind of had the same similar feelings when I first started dating my current partner who came out of a divorce. I kept thinking, why was he able to give her that commitment? And kind of dragging his feet with me. Then I realized a way to think about this is she groomed him or their relationship groomed him to be the perfect partner for me today. And I have heard to think, I am actually very grateful for his previous relationships. So maybe we can just take a moment and be grateful that you weren't part of these previous relationships that didn't work, which set the ball to be spiked into your court. I love that reframe. I think that's important because when you look at it from that lens, it's not as scary or bad. It's like, yeah, he spent perfectly trained trained for me. At this point, that's great. All right, next one. So I met this guy on hinge back in August, and we went on dates between August and early October. When I tell you how I had never felt that way about any guy before I meant it. Every day was amazing. We connected so well and he was everything I wanted and more. He checked off all my boxes on paper and we had an amazing connection, fast forward closer to the fourth date and before we see each other again, he starts acting really weird and distant. We aren't talking every day and his communication is very sporadic. I openly address it on the date and he gives me a good excuse in all as well. Sorry for the long message. Before our last state, communication is spotty again the last state goes amazing, but then after that date his communication completely falls off the wagon. I mean, we went from talking every day to me now texting him once a day or every other day and I didn't hear from him for almost a week. Mid October rolls around and it's safe to say he's pretty much ghosted me. And I never got closure, even after I sent him a long message looking for answers. It's been over four months since I've talked to him, but I can't get this guy out of my head. I truly believe if things didn't end the way they unfortunately did, we could have had an amazing story slash relationship and we both seem to be on the same page. I'm still confused all of these months later, and I've thought endlessly about talking to him, but I'm nervous to open up that door. When I know I deserve someone who makes me feel valued and highly respected. I just don't want any regrets with not seeing what if could have been there. Thoughts. I feel like as you're reading this story from the very beginning. This is the most common thing that all the time all the time. So I guess for the person that submitted this, feel at least, you know, that you're not alone. In this, that this happens to everyone. I think this is the classic focusing on the checkboxes. And building this person up that quite frankly, you just don't know very well. And you've created this image of this person that isn't real. And that's where it becomes difficult because you didn't just lose this person. I think sometimes the most difficult endings are the relationships that never got off the ground in the first place because you're not just losing the person, but you're losing this future, that you've created in your mind. So I guess the first aspect is this person that's submitted have said it over and over that this person was not making them feel well. Yeah. They were constantly thinking about just spotty behavior, inconsistent behavior, is that what you want in a relationship, even if this person checks all the boxes is perfect on paper at the end of the day, that's so much more important of how they're making you feel and what side they're breaking out than if they check the boxes. Yeah, that's one of the most important boxes to check is communication and making you feel like seen and loved.
00:50:01 - 00:55:01
And he did not check that very important box. But it's so hard when you romanticize it and it's like the what ifs and you feel like he's not seeing what you're seeing, but yeah, it's like actions are more important than words and the fantasy of it in that position. And it's so much easier for us to say this in the situation. I recognize that when you're in it when you thought you found that person, it can be so heart wrenching and difficult. So don't want to minimize the feeling. And I think you can feel all the feels and get it out of your system. I would say if you can time box it in some way, instead of suppressing it, let it out, but also recognize that your end goal is to meet that person that checks the most important box, like you said, Sydney. So don't let this person get in the way of you finding that person. I would just want to say I've been there so many times. And I can basically I can verbalize the narrative in your head right now. It's probably like, what did I do wrong? Did I say something? If only he could see all of me that all that I can give, you'll see that I'm perfect for him. Our relationship was headed into this great trajectory and was something happened for this to go down like this. Well, stop putting the blame on yourself or the situation. We said at the top of this episode, the right person doesn't need to be convinced. And you do not need to convince the sky that you're the perfect person for him. Something has happened where he has misaligned himself with what you're looking for. And that's what a relationship is about is every day you check with your partner. Are we still aligned? Are we aligned? And when you have that misalignment and he's no longer willing to realign himself with you, that's not the person for you. And for you to hang on to this like what Julie was saying this image, this man that you were chasing the story, you know, you're like that could have been such a great meet cute story. We could have had a great start to this relationship. I want to tell my friends and my kids how this all went down. You are playing into the Hollywood factor of relationships. And they don't work out like that. And after the credits roll, that's when the real work begins. And this guy was not willing to put at the work, put in the work after the credits roll. That's so big. Yeah. 'cause you think of it like a fairytale, which some aspects can definitely be but there will be more work that happens after. And both sides have to be willing to put in a lot of work in order to support the relationship and you don't want your relationship to be one sided. Exactly. No. Send in love. Okay, podcast topic, a fun topic I know people feel strongly about both ways. Are you able to make a marriage last if you've broken up as a couple previously? I personally don't think so because the reason for the breakup will always be an underlying theme in the relationship. I have a lot of friends that are married to people. They've split up from during their time dating thoughts. There actually is a stat that about half of couples break up at least one time. And get back together. I would say that I do think it's possible. It depends on if things changed. If there was work done with the couples, I'm thinking about insecure that TV show, which is one of my favorites. It's a good one. And you know, the two main characters, they needed the time apart to grow as individuals. And then they found they found their way back to one another. And I think that it can work, but you can't just be coming against the same problem over and over again. And that's when the person that wrote in what they mentioned is totally valid. And if nothing has changed, people aren't willing to do the work, then yeah, you're going to keep encountering that. And I think ultimately you have to decide is this something I can live with. No one's going to ever be perfect. There's always going to be something whether it's something you can work with or not. That's an individual decision. So I would say that it's not a hard fast rule. It really comes down to, what is it? First of all, that's getting in your way. Are people willing to do the work and is this something you can live with? I like that. And I think if they've done that change, it's a great way of showing how things would proceed in the future if you run into other issues, like if the change did happen. But I think one has to do with what the issue actually was and then to what changes were made. Reconciliation never works if it's if the reason for reconciliation is we still love each other. And unfortunately, love is just not enough in this scenario. What we've seen work with these relationships that after the breakup, two people become completely different people and then they get back together and they can talk about their past selves when they had the breakup.
00:55:02 - 01:00:01
That's when you know that they've done the work. If no work has been done and we've heard people say this too, I want to get back together with my ex 'cause I still have feelings for her or him. It doesn't really matter because it's most of the time when you break up, it's not the feelings have faded. It's that you stopped working towards a relationship. All very great points. I have a few more questions. This one, is there a little shorter now? So this one is from a guy. He says, I make plans with girls, and then they bail the night of, has happened pretty frequently. So like, what's happening here? What could be happening here? Bailing at the last second. Yeah, that's unfortunate. That's just bad dating behavior. Yeah, not dateable quality. Not at all. And I think it just shows how in modern dating we see each other's disposable sometimes and we feel like, well, I had better plans. So I'm just going to cancel these. It's not a big deal. I think for if you are experiencing this over and over again, I think it's important to set up the expectation from the beginning and say, I want to see you Friday. I made plans for this and this. I've experienced people bailing last minute. I don't appreciate that. I would never do that to someone. So if plants do change, can you just give me advance notice? Just set it up so then other people will take more accountability for their actions. And don't try to play it cool. I know I've been there. Oh, it's no big deal. Yeah, we can reschedule from another time. Yeah, I'm always available. Because you're building up the resentment inside, but outwardly you're presenting this very amicable, yeah, we can do this again. Definitely express your needs and set the expectations from the beginning. And I definitely can relate to this person too. We've heard a lot of men say this that women are super flaky with dates. And this is definitely the downside of modern dating that you don't know these people that essentially you feel like they're not a real person until you've met. If you just met on an app for instance, it's a photo you saw on the screen. So it just makes you less accountable. I don't want to say that it's his fault, but I do believe that the only person you can control is yourself. And if you don't want this to keep happening, maybe it is worth looking at what are my patterns. Are there any blind spots that I'm putting out there that I could change? For instance, maybe he's asking people on dates really quick. They're not building up enough rapport. Maybe try a video date first where you've seen this person. They can say, okay, this is a real person. If I stand them up, I'm actually messing with a real person's schedule, not someone I don't know. Yeah, putting like an actual conversation to a picture is important. Yeah. You guys are very good at this. See, you've been doing this for 6 years. I love it. Okay, been one plus year, and he's still, quote, working on himself, but says he's interested in dating me one day. What? Oh God. Excuse me? I mean, yeah. I think this is one of the other things we hear all the time is that we're banking on potential and I've actually been in this situation. It hasn't been one day they'll date me, but one day I'll really commit to this, right? Is when I get myself in order. We have to take people at face value. If they're not ready at the time that you're meeting, that's not the right person. And if I wish I could have recognized that earlier and taken back that time, it is so much easier to work with someone that also wants to make the commitment to be in a relationship. It is ready for a relationship than trying to convince someone that doesn't. I think we all have work that we need to do on ourselves. We're all works in progress. And that doesn't mean that you can't have a relationship while you're working on yourself. It's not exclusive to one another. And we hear from all the time from relationship experts that the best relationships and actually a core reason for getting into relationship is to heal our inner child and all of our Trump past traumas. So if you can find someone that's willing to do that work with you, that's what a lasting relationship is. So yeah, take it at face value, find someone that's willing to meet you. And news flash we're all working on ourselves. We never stop working on ourselves. And if we keep saying I'm working on ourselves, working on myself and one day, I'll be ready for X, Y, and Z, then nothing's going to happen, because if we're never going to get there, in this scenario, it's, I personally think this is just an excuse of someone saying, I'm not. I don't feel that compelled to be with you. And we have to stop delaying what we want for a timeline for someone else that we can control. Yeah, this is the guy that shrinks you. Oh, yeah. For sure. Yeah, I was going to say this is the breadcrumb. And this is really tough because you're getting something from it.
01:00:02 - 01:05:04
Again, do not want to minimize the feelings because we've both been here before. And this is one of the hardest things when someone's giving you a bit, but not the whole pie. And it sometimes could take you a while to figure out that you deserve the whole pie in that they're not giving you to you and one day you will meet someone that makes you realize why nothing else worked out. Yeah. So true. Okay, could use advice, move to a new city, have a crush on a guy, but he's my only friend. Do I tell him? Only friend? Yeah, in this new city that she does. So the only guy that she knows in the city, does she make a move to try and be in a relationship because if she does, then that could ruin the friendship and it's as new for her. I feel like moving into a new city. Okay, we've seen this happen too. Now it's jogging my memory of all the times we heard this story. When you move into when you move to a new city, you want to latch on to someone, the support network, right? And it's harder to I think sometimes it's harder to decipher your feelings are that of wanting to feel supported or these are romantic feelings. I think moving to a new city, your first priority is to build your network and support group. So make more friends before you act upon what this could be a romantic impulse or this could be something real. We don't know yet. It's just hard. It's a little hard to decipher at this point. Perfect. Okay, next one, we have one or two more. I think this guy at my job likes me. He's somewhat somewhat of a new employee and he added me on Facebook a couple of weeks ago. And thinking nothing of it, I accepted it. Since then, he has liked slash reacted to many of my photos, including photos from 2013, 2015, and so on. Come to find out my coworker found out from another coworker that he has a girlfriend. I'm not interested in him, but this is the weird male behavior I don't understand. I don't get it. Why do people do that? Oh my goodness. Do you like it? Yeah. I think a lot of it's validation that they want to get kind of a rise out of you. They want to occupy your thoughts and it's working, right? We're talking about him. She's writing into a show about him. He's gotten that. Yeah. So I think a lot of times we over estimate the importance of social media behavior too, when we hear all the time someone looks at my Instagram story, they must be really into me. Oh, yes. They also could just be boring. Right, so some of it could be validation or some of it could just be that they do not hold the same weight that you do. Like this person might have just been like, oh, it's my coworker. I'm gonna look through their past photos. I think it's a little weird to go in deep like from 2013, but maybe he does it. Maybe he hasn't even given it a second thought. We all think differently. Yeah. I know. The story view is a big one when people, especially when they're trying to get over a guy or if they both did and they still watch the stories, like that is the one thing that people definitely hang on to a lot, but I think my fiance reframed her. It's like, think about how you watch Instagram stories. You go flip flip, click, click and that's it. It's not that you're like fawning over this one story. I don't know. No, they might not even be actually watching. Oh, I just be clicking through to get to the next. I know. That's the thing we don't know how other people interact with social media. And we're placing our behavior onto them. I agree. It's just like you just people are weird. Just know that. People are weird. And until he acts upon his words or whatever it may be, I don't think this is anything that's worth your time to think over or mull over. I don't think it's like go tell a girlfriend. This is happening. I just don't think it's necessary. No, I'm sure he has a ton of Instagram models that he's looking at too. Yeah, just let him do whatever. Okay, last question I'll ask you guys. Talking slash going out slash hooking up with the guy for a year, and then him saying, we're just good Friends. Oh, goodness. We hear this one a lot too. What's going on? Well, again, Julie said this earlier too. You can only control yourself. You can not control other people. So in this moment, you got to say, what do I want? Do I want something more? How did you how did it make me feel when he said we were just good Friends? Obviously from this question, it sounds like you're not happy with this answer. And you want something more. So this is your chance to take control and ask for something more. Let him know your feelings. Maybe for him, he's like, this is great. We're Friends. We're hooking up. We're getting everything. She's not asking for anything more. This is a time to take control of your love life and get what you want out of it. The DTR or not the DTR. The description of what he was or what they were was everything that you had to do. And yeah, it's classic fuckboy because he can't.
01:05:07 - 01:10:01
Okay, speaking of fuck was you guys? Favorite topic. Yes. I know you guys have talked about this on news channels and all the things west elm Caleb, who was really big on TikTok. I know this is like your the fuck boy of the moment. So if you guys don't mind, like describing this west elm Caleb of people might not know who he is and how it kind of epitomizes modern dating in a way. So I would love to talk about west elm Caleb for a second. So the backstory is apparently all these women on TikTok discovered they were all dating the same guy. This is a guy named Caleb, who worked at west elm. And he would love bomb them from the beginning. He was sent them like a Spotify playlist of how much he liked them. And he would shower them with all these words of affection. And then he would ghost them. So all these women found, sleep with them and then go. And I guess he was also sending them the same dick pics and they realized that later too. So in the end, these women found out that they were all dating or they had all day to the same guy. Some of them were still currently dating him. And they wanted to band together and basically call him out on it. But this is not new news. We've seen this behavior happen. In fact, women have also done this with men as well. So let's just not there's like a west elm Kelly out there somewhere. Yeah. For sure. It does epitomize bad dating behavior because what it shows is that we are we are a very bad at establishing our boundaries and communicating your needs. So especially in early dating, we kind of just like want to be cool and go with go with the flow and not really step back and think, do I like this person? Do I like this behavior? And not draw those boundaries. Now, what did he do wrong? Him see multiple women was that wrong? No, because he did not commit to any of them individually. What he did do wrong was he did not communicate that he was seeing other people. So I think he gave off the impression that he was monogamous with these women from the beginning very quickly. So we can't really fault him for the same multiple people, but at the same time, we have to look at our own behavior. Am I also seeing multiple people? Am I communicating what I'm doing here? We just got to take more accountability for our own actions at the end of the day. It's not west elm Caleb, it's you at home. I do see though how the women fell for it, right? It's hard in today's world to find that connection. And that's why so many of the questions you receive Sidney were just hanging on to this hope of this person. And sometimes when you feel like you found that person that gets you, that wants the same things as you. It feels like you found a needle in the haystack and we want to make that story work. And we want to find all the reasons it can. And that's human nature. And I think especially why love bombing is problematic is that you don't know if it's genuine or not. We all want the effects of love bombing. Someone telling us we're amazing and they want to be with us and all the stuff. But then it becomes problematic when it's the west on Caleb's situation where they're saying it to get something basically to sleep with you. And then not actually following through on it, essentially lying to you. So I don't blame the people that fell for it. It's human nature. That being said, we do need to remember that we've met this person for what maybe like one or two hours. You know, if we've only gone on a couple dates, I think a lot of times we get ahead of ourselves. And I was definitely victim to this of creating the fantasy. The story we want it to be, and we have to remember, we have no idea what else is going on in people's lives. Whether they're seeing other people, they're ready for relationship, they even want a relationship. We can't just put what we want onto someone else. Yeah, that's huge. And I remember myself in dating to you, I think I created the fantasy one because it almost helps me. Believe in dating and get up the next day and put myself out there because I let myself romanticize it. But you can't necessarily do that. And I think that's what might have happened a lot. And a lot of those situations was they saw the down the roads because things were going really well from the initial. But yeah. Yeah, and let's take it one step further. The Tinder swim. Yes, I love. But I feel like that's exactly what happened as people fell into the fantasy, and they wanted to believe that this super rich attractive man could give them the life they've wanted. And I do think it's a tough balance because we can't just go in being skeptical of everyone. That's not a good approach either. But I do think we need to be realistic of where we are in meeting someone.
01:10:02 - 01:15:01
We have a new term for the opposite of love bombing. Do you want to hear at Sydney? We made it up. I would love to. Yeah, what is it? Sous vide. Oh. Taking things slow, but knowing that the end when it's a fully cooked meal that it's going to be delicious with multiple multiple layers of flavors instead of putting things in a microwave and hoping they'll just, you know, it'll cook and it'll taste good enough. So I think in this situation, also with the Tinder swindler, also with Poisson Caleb. All these women put the control in their hands. So everything was on their terms. The man's terms. We're going to meet at this time. We're going to do this. And I'm going to leave by this time. If we can be this, we take things back in our own control and say, no, I'm going to I'm going to go a little slow. I'm going to see you on Friday. You know, I think we can all look at it in a different way of taking control of the situation. I love assuming. Yes. That's delicious. So much better. I want to help people. I feel like what are some best, can you give us some best takeaways or I don't know if they're quick tips or for the modern data? How do we step forward now into the world knowing these things like all the things that we listen to on the podcast? How do we move forward in a way of still believing in love still ready to go on dates, still putting themselves out there but also like protecting their heart a little bit and all those things like what's the best way that we go about this with the world the way it is right now? I think don't look at self love as being selfish and putting yourself first, I definitely it took me a while to understand this and kind of what UA was just saying. If you want to push the date out a couple days do that. We hear of people saying, oh, I don't want this date to basically get in the way of my schedule of the rest of the day. Instead of planning your day around the date, what if you plan the date around your day? And I think we are afraid because we have this, it's really interesting actually. We have so many options right now with dating apps, yet we all believe that there are no options, and that we have this scarcity mindset. And that's what it forces us to try to find these stories that appear good on paper and try to fit this round peg in a square hole. Square peg in the round. You know, either way. It doesn't matter. Either way, it doesn't fit. And I think we need to start taking that control and believing that we are freaking catch and someone is lucky to be with us. And until we can see that, how can we expect someone else to see that and once we can see that when someone goes or someone isn't ready, that's when you have the power to say, okay, this person's just in my way to find the person that we'll see that. And this is a stepping stone to find that person opposed to take it to be personally. I think we need to take dating less personally, is not a reflection of ourselves. It's a couple things. I think it's important for daters to understand that we have a real opportunity to set our own rules in our own traditions. And we can be brave enough to do that. I think so many of us have been burned or heartbroken that we're afraid to step forward and put ourselves out there. Yet end of the day, we still want that loving relationship. So there's a lot of want and then afraid of going after it. Just know that there are no hacks to love and whatever you're going through right now, you are meant to go through this because all of the bullshit and all of the disappointment you may be feeling currently is setting you up for the right person who is just right around the corner. And we say this all the time, your person is literally right around the corner. You just have to keep going because you will meet them eventually. And I think when it's like you're close, that's a good sign that they're even closer than you thought when you get those like almost or almost perfect on paper. It means that you're really close. So keep going. Keep going. I think it's all about reframing because even when you're getting rejected a lot, that means you're putting yourself out. It's going to make you really strong. Okay, let's wrap this up with one last piece of advice leaving thoughts, quick tip, anything that you guys have. It could be dating related or just really anything. The one piece of advice I would put out there is remember that data is supposed to be fun. So often we think about dating as a job and as work and it's something we have to do. But it is a luxury that someone wants to take time to meet us. And that we can do a fun activity with another human being. And we're so focused on the outcome that oftentimes we're not focused on just enjoying the present. And even if this person does not become your next partner or your future person and all that, it doesn't matter.
01:15:02 - 01:19:20
It's just a connection. And if we can start to look at it that way, that's when some of the pressure will fall off and things will happen a bit more organic. I think my parting words of a bias would be we have to stop waiting happy. We do a lot of these. When I get this promotion, when I lose how many pounds, when I finish this, whatever, training, we constantly have these milestones and we feel like once we accomplish these milestones, we can be allowed to be happy for some reason. We somehow have permission at that point. But we've seen this happens over and over again. Once you reach those accomplishments, you actually become less happy because now you've accomplished it. So stop delaying your happiness for these future what ifs and start going after the things that you want and that you know will make you happy today. Love those those are so good. Okay. Well, I feel great. I hope this helps a lot of people be dateable. I feel like it will, where can everyone find you guys when you have episodes, all of that good stuff? Dateable podcast dot com. We're also at dateable podcast on Instagram and TikTok. Don't be don't make fun of our TikTok. It's very, it's very small right now, but we're growing. We're growing it, okay? Yeah, you kind of do the dances sometimes soon. And I feel like that's a little crowded. We officially released the episodes every Wednesday, but if you subscribe on any of the platforms, you get the episodes actually a day early. So on Tuesday night. Yeah. That's lovely. Amazing. And we're on every major podcast player, so Apple podcasts, Spotify, anywhere you can find a podcast we are there. All right, well, thank you guys so much. This was awesome. Thanks for having us. That is it for me to you guys. Thank you so much for being here and for listening before you go make sure that you rate, review and follow as well as subscribe so you never miss an episode. And one thing you can share in the meantime, this podcast obviously, send it to a friend who needs some inspiration or give us some love on social media and tag us at something to share podcasts on Instagram and I'll see you next Wednesday. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. You made it. Here, finally. Checked out of office to check into the sweet views of that place you've always wanted to go. You know the one? It's nice. Eating the kids like it. This place is so cool. And they never like it. Mom, can we go to the pool? Look at that. Not even asking for the Wi-Fi. When you're with a max, it's not if it's going to happen, but when American Express don't live life without it. Have you guys noticed that you can't go anywhere without seeing designer this or designer that? Even design a furniture on my social feeds and celebrity homes, it's everywhere. Have you seen how expensive these are? Well, if you want the sofa or recliner or bed that broke the Internet, you don't have to go broke to get it, because designer looks furniture has all the same styles and trends, but without the designer prices. Oh, and the well made too, it's the whole package. Check them out, designer looks at value city furniture or designer looks dot com.