We're coming in confident as hell as we chat about giving relationships a second chance (as inspired by JLo and Ben Affleck), in addition to reairing the episode we did on the podcast 'The Confidence Collective' about maintaining confidence while dating even through the bumps in the road.
We're coming in confident as hell as we chat about giving relationships a second chance (as inspired by JLo and Ben Affleck), in addition to reairing the episode we did on the podcast 'The Confidence Collective' about maintaining confidence while dating even through the bumps in the road. We discuss how to shift your mindset when you're feeling like you're "no one's cup of tea", how to use dating apps more intentionally, and why relationship chicken is the biggest problem in dating.
Follow Kristina & Raeann @confidentcollective and listen to their podcast The Confident Collective
Thank you to our partners for this episode:
BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month of online therapy at betterhelp.com/dateable with the code DATEABLE
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Drizly: Download the Drizly app or go to Drizly.com and use promo code FAST5 for $5 off your first order.
BONUS: Boosting Your Dating Confidence! w/ Raeann Langas and Kristina Zias of the Confident Collective
00:00:01 - 00:05:00
The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host UA Shu, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Hello, daters, datas, those dating, those who are done dating, those who are so over dating those are far removed from dating, whatever your relationship is with dating, welcome to another episode of the dateable podcast. We welcome all of you. All daters, no matter where you are in your journey. You know, it is funny to think about all the different stages and what we've all gone through. I feel like looking at my dating history at reflecting on it from even a month ago, it's all different. Every step of the process. And you just never stop. There's never an end to dating. Even though my parents, I love my parents so much. Every time I visit them, they drag me on a 5 mile hike. They do a 5 mile hike every day. And then they work out again in the afternoon. I'm tired when I'm with them. No wonder. Where you get it from? And during our hike, my parents love talking about the podcast without talking about the podcast. They're always like, how's the podcast going? But you know they're just so curious about what dating even means because they've never dated any other people, except for each other, but my mom recently told me about all these dating stories during her time when she was a teenager, not her own dating stories, but what she witnessed in China when dating was banned, you actually would be beaten if you were caught dating. How much people risked just for love. It's insane. People were holding hands, knowing that they could get beaten, but they still want to show affection for each other. Isn't that crazy? Shit. I think we need to get your mom on the podcast. Talk about that. She's so shy. She's always like, please don't post any pictures of me. That's anybody to see her hear her, but she has some incredible stories to tell. That is crazy, though, like, what people would risk. I'm just thinking about if dating was illegal, how different people would view it. I feel like we would hold it more sacred for sure. And would appreciate every date a lot more if we could be doing it. I feel like if you think about certain substances that are illegal, it almost is more fun because they're illegal. This is why it's just so annoying that a lot of us complain about dating apps because it is a privilege to be able to date to have these tools to help us date and to have the option to date without getting beaten to death, you know? We are a very privileged people right now. Exactly. And are excited to re air this episode that we did with confident collective with Christina and ray Anne because I think it does put dating in a different perspective to also think about clearly their podcast is about confidence, so we talk about having the confidence while dating. And if you remember, we had them on last season in a lot of it was how do you, what's the difference between being selfish and putting yourself first when it comes to dating? So so often we're looking at what's going wrong in dating, opposed to being in the driver's seat, thinking like, hey, this is actually a really rare time where we get someone's undivided attention to go on the state. We may as well enjoy ourselves in the process. I love both of their perspectives because Christina is married with a kid and rayan is out there. She's in the thick of dating and they're able to balance each other out in some ways. So I really enjoy their dynamic and how they like to balance out their relationship. Yeah, that was perfect. And I feel like we kind of debunked a lot of myths on this podcast that we did with them. And I remember ray and being like, I hear all this on TikTok and we're like, no, don't even. Don't worry about that. But there's a lot of stuff that's been ingrained in us for so long. And it was really fun to hear first of all, the dating questions that their audience sent in, but also their own stuff. And like you mentioned, ray and the thick of it. And definitely had a lot on her mind about dating that we kind of unpacked as we were talking it through. The dating questions part, I don't know about you, Julia, I love that part. If it was this sort of why, I really love being on all of it on New York public radio. We were just back on for the third time with Alison Stewart and she does a segment where she takes in listener questions. And it always keeps us on our toes. The questions are so unique and creative the way people are telling their stories. I love that segment so much.
00:05:00 - 00:10:09
I love answering listener questions. I love it. I feel like this one, though, a lot of people were just sharing their experiences. Because we actually, the topic, this one was really fun. And I believe you can't go to all of it. New York public radios website and listen to it. So if you're not in New York and you did not hear it live, have no fair, you can go back and listen to it all. I mean, the topic was so fun this time because it was basically talking about Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. Jennifer getting back together and getting buried after being apart for so long. So a lot of people called in about the one that got away and how they ended up rekindling later in life and we talked about if it was a good idea to restart a romance with an ex and you know we've definitely talked about this topic quite a bit on the podcast. Clearly so pros and cons and there's a lot of reflection and conversations that need to happen. It's not a clear cut yes or no, but we agree on second chances but not on just repeating patterns. I did a little bit of research before we went on the show because I was trying to see how long it had been since their last relationship and they first got together in 2002. So it's been 20 years between these two relationships Ben Affleck was only 29 when they got together. That's insane. Still in his 20s and now he's in his late 40s, she's in her early 50s. They're completely different people. I'm sure this relationship looks completely different, but when we posted about our segment on all of it, a friend of mine David, that you know too, Julie. He ended up marrying his ex, he dated this woman for a month, years and years ago, decided it wasn't the right thing. They were in the right place. And then just a few years later, they reconnected. He was in Spain. He was having a drink and he wanted to text her. He just had this urge, and they start reconnecting when he was still in Europe, or when he got back to the U.S., they got back together. And then ended up getting married and now she's pregnant. Crazy. Wow. I love Harry these success stories, but I also, at the same time, don't because I feel like that's what gives us the narrative when something isn't helpful. Right. You know, it is crazy though. I looked up their timeline also and you know, I think a big part of it was they claimed the reason they broke up. This is Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez not your friend. Why they broke up was because of media attention and the press. And it's really interesting because they were both at the start of their careers back then. And 20 years later, they're clearly at a totally different place professionally where they probably just don't give a fuck anymore about paparazzi and all that stuff that maybe was a problem back then or being in the public eye. They probably have just learned how to adapt to it. Well, let's also not forget Ben had a drinking and drug problem. He was also addicted to strip clubs. There were a lot of issues that he was dealing with because he wasn't sure how to process his own fame. So I hope that 20 years later he's dealt with all of that and not to mention, he went through a marriage himself. She went through what a hundred engagements at this point. I mean, this is the part that's hard because are these people very emotionally healthy. We don't really know. In the public eye and again, I'm all for it. Like your friend, it sounds like things worked out and it ended up being there and sometimes it can be wrong time in someone's life, but personally as someone that gave something a lot of tries with that kind of happily ever after romantic tale that I was kind of clinging to almost. I feel like it can be dangerous to not look at the reality of a situation. It just have this RomCom moment essentially that you're trying to get out of your own life. That's why I really appreciate it. Allison's question about how do you not romanticize getting back with an X? Because that seems to be the RomCom storyline we hear all the time gives us totally to reignite these old flames. But this is a totally different story when you're trying to start a relationship with someone that you were with in the past. Yeah. It reminds me of the TV show that UA and I both got really into. I feel like this show did not take off to the degree it should. It should have been the next love is blind and maybe by us talking about it on this podcast. It will help its ratings, but the one who got away on Amazon Prime. I told you I that my partner and I started watching and I think within an hour or two, you were already hooked. Yeah. I was already 8 episodes in my partner was also hooked. I was so hooked because there is a very good-looking Asian man on the show and he is in high demand and I love that he was sort of like the love interest of the storyline, but we also have been speaking to some of them on DM, not to give it away, but we've been talking to them and hopefully some of them will come on our show.
00:10:10 - 00:15:03
We may or may not be diving into this topic a little deeper, but I think it's a great topic the one who got away. I don't know. Could you think of, I mean, there's so many factors clearly. One, I'm very happy about my relationship, I'm not looking to reignite, but let's say I was single. I can think of one person. He's also married right now, so again, this is not a realistic scenario. But it was somewhat I worked with and I definitely we were friends and we never talked about relationships. We didn't even talk about other relationships we were in. And I definitely never made a move despite having a huge crush on this guy. So I think that would be my person if I was to think of what. Yeah, I remember we had this conversation a while ago a few episodes ago and I think my answer was there are some people I hope to come back for me but not that I'm hoping that the relationship will actually happen. It's more of an ego boost that I hope will show interest again. I think you know everything works out the way it's supposed to be. But I think for mine, the reason I picked this person is in retrospect, I wish I just put it out there. I think I just didn't make any moves and we talk about this a lot. When you make no moves, that's actually the worst thing that can happen. Worse than being rejected and I feel like if he had just been like, I'm not interested, then okay, now you know, you're not like thinking about it any other time. Oh, it's just, it's just so profound to think about it that way. And not to be even more cryptic than we have been, but we have been working on a secret project where we are diving into the what ifs. And these are some of the learnings and if we can give you guys a teaser of what we've learned, and the teaser is, you are in control of things. And you are in control of your love life. So if you're hoping for something to happen, you have the control to make it happen. You can't wait for other people to do it for you. Yes. So yes, you ain't I have been. I feel like we kind of put this out in the Facebook group because we did put a recruiting because we actually are working with a production company on this and a large media network that we won't say yet. And they actually had a casting agency that went out to find people to be on our upcoming show and so we did put this out, but it's been really fun to work with outside production and I think we've been like a two woman show for so long and obviously that has its benefits as well. But it's been really, I think fun is the right way to say it. It's fun to get a lot of people in the room and brainstorm and have all the ideas and see what other people bring to the table as well. And to know that other people care. I was thinking about that too. I was like, everyone at this call is so invested in this happening and what's going on with this show. Yeah, it's really nice to one them recognize the good work we've already been doing for then also take that involvement like we have. Yeah. Yeah, I'm so excited. I hope we can announce that soon, but we'll just keep a very soon enough. The toes, but suited off. There will be something great there for you, but that doesn't mean the dateable is going anywhere. Dateable is coming on season 15. We've already been, we've been really recording strong, I feel like. The way that I love it, I think it is our favorite thing to do. I feel like I genuinely am excited every conversation we have. And we have a really great season opener in store. And it'll just be a couple more weeks, you know? We have this and next week as the last of the bonus and then we're gonna get into it. So season 15 is just around the corner. It feels like season 14 just ended, but you know, this is how we do it. We get to come back for the back half of this year. We're so stoked. Every new season. It's a different vibe, different theme, different learnings. And speaking of lurking around the corner, maybe lurking is not the right word, but just right around the corner, you never know who you run into. Oh yes, I need a good story. I have a good shout out. Oh my God, this made my freaking week. Thank you, you a forbid me, 'cause I texted you a right after. Super excited. I was taking a little breather. I needed to get some fresh air, so I went out for a little and had coffee at this V shop near my house that had outdoor seats. I was, I hate to admit this, but I was completely buried in my phone, texting. Not aware of my surroundings at all. But then a really sweet girl came up and she's like Julie, Julie from dateable podcast. So I'll give a shout out to Lydia, who recently moved to San Francisco from Toronto.
00:15:03 - 00:20:03
She told me that she loved love love Dave vol and she had every episode downloaded, which made me super happy. And it was just really nice to meet someone. You know, I love when people come up. I've had that happen a few times at events, particularly. I don't think as much just randomly on the street. I definitely was a little take it off guard just because you're not expecting it, but it was a really welcome surprise as well. Well, thank you Lydia for downloading our episodes for supporting us and for having the courage to go after Julian. It's not easy to go up to strangers and be like, I know you. Especially when they're not even looking, they're head is in their phone. Which is why no one can meet anyone in real life, but that's another story. As you can see, I'm completely guilty of it. Julie, tisk tisk. We also want to give another shout out to Geraldine, who is our Instagram friend. She said, recently discovered the podcast and have been binge listening ever since. Today I was listening to the two peg or not to peg episode while parking my car and was laughing so hard that I bumped into the curb and scratched my car, still worth it. Oh my God. I think we should start a new segment, comment of the week. That would definitely wins. Yeah, I screenshotted it and it's in my favorites folder. Look at it all the time. I've done that before. I'm so wrapped up in an episode of listening to my car, and then I, you know, do something very dangerous and stupid because I'm not paying attention to the road. Yes. Well, thank you dateable listeners for finding us for sending the messages that always makes our day. Keeps us going. Like we said, it's always great to know that others are in this with us. So keep the stuff going. I think that's a good segue to announcements. Announcements come find us in the real world, but also you can come find us at beautiful podcast on Instagram, love in the time of Corona and you can always join the sounding board, which is our premium community. If you want to gain more date and confidence, that's a great place to do it as every week they have conversations with our wonderful host team and then once a month, office hours with UA and I so if you're not in the sounding board yet, go to dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board and of course you can join all of our free platforms as well. Okay, before we get into it, let's hear a word from our sponsors. Now a word from our sponsor better help, how have you been taking care of your mind recently? For me, it's all about taking a pause, so I'm not reactive all the time. Think about it. Our minds are basically in reaction mode every day, which doesn't allow much time for us to actually think about what matters to us. That's why I find it especially important to be able to pause and take care of my mind. How we care for our minds affects how we experience life. There are plenty of ways to support a healthy brain, like learning a new language, taking a power nap, listening to this podcast. There's also better help online therapy. My therapist and I are currently working on bigger picture thinking, playing the long game instead of focusing on short term events. It's so helpful to have someone guide me through the bird's eye view of my life. With better help, you have access to online therapy through either video phone or even live chat only sessions. It is a lot more affordable than in person therapy and the matching process is so fast. They match you with someone in under 48 hours. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at better help dot com slash dateable that's better HELP dot com. 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00:20:03 - 00:25:02
Order today for free shipping and 20% off your order at attitude dot com slash datable. This episode is brought to you by drizzly. If you look for it every day has cause for celebration, celebrate a friend for their promotion, baby, wedding life thing, celebrate yourself for keeping the couch warm. It's no easy feat, especially if it's a big couch. Or maybe you just want to celebrate living in 2022, where you can get beer, wine, and spirits deliver from drizzly in under 60 minutes without leaving, said couch. No wonder drizzly is the number one app for alcohol delivery. And remember to share the love, you can get alcohol delivered to your friends and your coworkers and a nice surprise. Right now, drizzly is giving all new customers $5 off their first order with the code fast 5. So download the drizzly app or go to drizzly dot com that spelled DRI Z, LY dot com and use the promo code fast 5 that spelled FAST number 5 for $5 off your first order. You're welcome. Okay, let's hear it from rayan and Christina from the confident collective. We are here with the wonderful ladies from date. We have UA and Julie. We are so excited for this conversation talking all things dating, romance, love. I've been out of the dating pool for quite some time. But you know what? Ryan keeps me young. He's me in the know. And now you guys, well, as well. And I just feel like literally I did a Q&A about dating and it's insane. I really need help. Everyone has so many questions. Everyone's just like on a mission to find love and the right love. So I feel like this conversation our listeners are going to be so excited about. They're Q&A episode is so good. Aw, thank you by the way. And have you noticed people ask kind of similar questions, but they think they have very unique questions. Yes, but they're all, there's all themes. They kind of boil down to a few themes that people are struggling with. But it's also crazy. Is there's just so much dating advice out there. It's like one person tells you one thing. I personally am finding it overwhelming. And it's hard to navigate. I'm like, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, people. Okay? Well. Nobody does. To create your own rules, that's the beauty of it. Yeah, it's so true. And it's weird 'cause out of as someone who's been out of the dating game for quite some time. I'm like, wow, I have a lot of advice that I don't know. Like that's like, you know, from years and years ago. And it's like, it's not necessarily applicable to every situation or every relationship. So I do really think that you need to listen to all advice and take it with a grain of salt and like make your own rules, like you just said. Exactly. Okay, so should we get into it? Like out of all the people you spoke with, do you guys have had so many experts on so many people dating and people in relationships? Are there any common themes that you guys have found from people who have found relationships and have entered successful relationships? Are there certain things that these relationships have in common? So many, so many, I think the big one that Julie and I always talk about is that nobody has to figure it out, even the experts, they don't have it figured out. So much easier commenting on someone else's relationship than your own. And when you're in the situation, it's really hard to figure out clarity around it. But what we have found is, let's say the experts give you equated to Google Maps. You're trying to go from a to B Google Maps will give you suggested routes. But when it comes to dating, you can take that route, it's worked for some people, or you can figure out a different route, carve out a street. Maybe there's a street under construction. And that street is better for you than the Google route Google Maps route. So it's just like ultimately like we were just saying, is you got to create your own dating philosophy and stick to it. Yeah. I think the one thing that has been apparent in every story and our stories are also different, but this is the one thing that is consistent for the people that have made it on the other side made it through the trenches of day day. It's that they've taken a step back and put the accountability on themselves. And I think it's so easy in today's world to blame the apps, blame your city, blame the other people, your dating. But the hard work and I think why people are so obsessed with dating. One is obviously to find that partner. But two, it's such a reflection of yourself. And it's almost hard not to take it personally when you're basically putting yourself in front of another person and being like, do you like me or not? But we have to kind of get through that and realize that 95% of the people you meet probably 99% are not going to be batches. They're not going to want to date you, and that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.
00:25:03 - 00:30:00
And you're never going to be everyone's cup of tea. And the more that we can just get confident, which goes hand in hand with what you all talk about in ourselves and really believe that we bring something to the table and someone is lucky to be with us. That's where we start to see things shift for people when they kind of take control of their love lives. Wow, I love both of those things you guys just said. And I think Julie, one thing that you said that really stuck out to me was when you start looking back at yourself instead, it was so funny. I was just on the phone with one of my friends who's currently dating in D.C. and we were like, we think it's time for us both to go back to therapy because we've been having a few patterns that are repeating themselves. And we just had this really honest conversation. We were like, okay, what are we doing to attract these type of people that we're seeing the same thing over and over again? We can't just sit there and be like, oh my gosh, these fuckboys are always taking advantage of us, blah, blah, blah. There's a pattern here and I'm the common denominator. So I think that is such good advice that sometimes you have to look at yourself, often not most times, instead of just blaming all of these situations, right? Yeah, because the situations are out of your control. We can't control how many fuck boys there are in this world. Unless if someone figured out a way, I wish. I really don't know. Can't control how the apps work. We can't control how love works. So if things are out of your control, what's the point in spending time and effort focusing on that when you can focus on what is in your control, which is yourself. I think that people need to be perfect to find love. And there's even this feeling of like, you need to love yourself before you love others or others love you or you need to fix yourself. I don't believe in that. I do think you need to have a healthy, self confidence and self worth. Absolutely. But I think it's a continuous work in progress. You're never going to be a 100%. So I don't think we're saying like, oh, everything needs to be good before you can date absolutely not. But it's recognizing like, oh, do I want to keep engaging with someone that only hits me up at 2 a.m. or does it text me back or fleeks on plans? Like, why would you want to do that when you really think about it? Is that who you want to be in a relationship with? Right. And Julie, you said, actually an analogy that I had written word for word and like my notes was like, you're not going to be everybody's cup of tea. But there was a point where once I was talking to Christina about my dating life, I had a really hard, I guess it was like last summer I had a really hard go. I was in a bit of a mental breakdown. We were saying just like with so frustrated with dating and I was like, I get that you're not going to be everybody's cup of tea. But when it feels like you're nobody's cup of tea, how do you get over this? And like still be putting yourself out there because I was at the point where I was like, I'm exhausted. Yeah. Many people are there. Yes. This burnout is real. And I think dating burnout is the same as work burnout. And if you're in a place where you feel burnt out, that's not a good place to date maybe. It's time to reset and kind of think about how can I get myself out of this burnout mode? I think so many people have the scarcity mindset that there's nobody out there or no matches. But if we come in with an abundance mindset, not so much like I'm going to be everybody's cup of tea, but know that there's a lid for every pot. And I love the saying because there are different kinds of hot different shapes, some more damage, some are crooked, but there is a lid for every pot. And know that all you need is one. You don't need a hundred or 200. You're not getting the matches that you're looking for in the last month or three. It doesn't mean that your person is not out there. It just means you're sifting through all the people who are going to help you get there. Yeah, I mean, I think it's a very real feeling that you said. And a lot of people, I think it's easy for us to say, just be confident. Don't tolerate that. But when you're in it and someone, you really like go see you or says they don't want a relationship with you. It can be really heartbreaking. So we definitely don't want to minimize that feeling. We've both been there a lot. A lot. I can't say, though, before I met my current partner, I definitely felt like I was rejected more than I'd ever felt in my entire life. And I think it was the where I was. You know, we are 6 years into doing this dating podcast. If this was not where I was at this moment, I would have very much taken it like there's something wrong with me. And I had done that before. But I looked at it in a way that I was, I was actually giving people more chances than I had ever before.
00:30:01 - 00:35:12
And it's easier to actually be the person that says, I don't want to be with you and reject the other person because your ego doesn't take a hit at that point. But if you're really trying to build a relationship, like your ego is going to take a hit, that's just the reality of it. And you know, I'm sure Christina, you know, from years and years of marriage, like this, it's not always about your ego, like sometimes you do have to just let it go it away. And I think when I was in this place of just getting rejected left and right, I looked at it that I was making, I was taking more initiative. I was making more moves. I was giving people second chances that I wouldn't normally. 'cause I wanted to do like a two date default because I knew people weren't always, you know, they're shiny self or maybe things take a little time to grow. And you know, not everyone was as open with me. And looking back on it, it's okay. And you know, I just kept going and ultimately I met someone that matched my energy and was that fit for me. Oh my gosh, I love all of that. I feel like that's such good advice because first of all, I've been married for almost 5 years. I keep wondering how long it's been. So long. And when you're in a relationship along from relationship, there are so many times, like where your relationship adds and flows, where you really do have to compromise where you have to bite your ego. You have to be like the bigger person in the situation. You just have to learn to compromise. And I think that that's an important lesson when it comes to dating. But you have to give yourself the opportunity to know that as your dating people and then also know when you don't have to go on that second date. Sometimes people don't deserve second chances. Sometimes you do have to be a little bit selfish and that scenario as well. Absolutely. I definitely had one video date that just was getting bad vibes all around. Like, my phone's about to die. Sorry, I got to go. And you know, it's like sometimes you got to do that. And I've all for giving people second chances and trying to let things play out, but I agree. It's like, sometimes you just know it's not a fit also. Yeah, a 100%. We talked a little bit about dating burnout. And I just want to know, like, what are some tangible tips that people can do if they're experiencing dating burnout? Like, do they just get off the apps? Do they maybe just try and date in person or meet people in real life? What's your tips for that? How do you handle dating burnout without giving up on dating? You know what's funny? I think the go to is people delete the apps. They take a hiatus. And actually, Julie and I really don't believe that. Because your goal is still dating, your goal is to relationships. So why that part of your life off? And what you're really going to do is as soon as you delete the apps, you're going to be yearning to get back on the apps or wondering what's there. So there's no need to delete the apps. I think one way that we've talked about is giving yourself time and space for dating. So maybe it's carving out once a week. Maybe it's carving out two hours a day or two hours a week. Whatever works for you to focus only on dating. And this really helps because it creates that intentionality. And you're mindful when you're swiping or you're messaging someone. Versus most people just do it passively. They're on the toilet. They're watching TV. They're in line at Starbucks. And the energy you put into the apps is exactly the energy you're going to get back. So guess what, you're going to match with the other people who are swiping on their toilets too. So it's so important to just carve out time every week and say, this is the time I'm going to be really intentional about dating during this time. It's really easy to get tunnel vision that you're gang goal is to be in a relationship. So that's all you focus on. But we really believe that you need to keep building the other parts of your life so strong. And it's easy to say like, oh, I'm just going to prioritize hanging out with other single Friends, for instance, because then I can meet other people and not to say that you shouldn't have single Friends. There's absolutely that's great to have people that understand what you're going through and on the same page. But I think that we can not forget about the other relationships in our lives that bring us great joy in make us feel loved in basically the emotions that we're looking for in a partnership in some way. So I was all for dedicating that time. But there also could be a place that you really do feel like you need that break. And I personally myself took a year break after a brutal breakup and we've had other guests talk about just taking prolonged time, but I think it's less about the number of months or years or whatever you're doing as a break or weeks. It's more about what are you doing in this time? If you're just thinking about how bad data is and how bad the apps are and all that, that's not really helping you. But if you're taking that time to really reflect on your own patterns and what is it that you need in a partner? What is it that your gravitated to versus what actually would be good for you? I think that's a worthwhile break.
00:35:13 - 00:40:05
Yeah, I think that's so important what you said, Julie is taking an intentional break because it's like, yeah, there is something super symbolic, I feel like of deleting the apps. You know what I mean? Like hitting that delete, it's like kind of a big deal. I've done a few Diana. But I think making sure your intentional with the break that you take is so important. What are you doing? What are you working on in this time to go back when you feel like in a better headspace to date you're going to approach it in a positive way? And I think UA two, what you said about kind of being more intentional with dating is I really like it, but I think it's hard for people to understand and this is something that I am like newly learning too is because everything we were taught about dating and love when we were growing up was it just like felt so fucking like it just fell into your lap like last night I watched because I'm going to Europe so I watched under the Tuscan sun last night, which is like a 90s movie and I was just dying laughing with like how every man she came into contact with is like in love with her, which is like in my mind how my world works around me, but it's not true. But it is. It's like we think that it should just happen. So easily, which I mean sometimes it does, but the reality is, as you do it to be intentional and setting time and being like, okay, I'm going to make sure I do like one day a week or whatever. It's not sexy. It's not how we think it should be. But I do think it's necessary for our own sanity. You touch upon something that really interesting because when it comes to online dating and dating apps, people think of them as dating hacks, like a shortcut to love. When they're actually just a tool to introduce you to someone. And so people feel like once they get on the apps, they can skip through all the work and just go straight to the relationship. And it doesn't happen like that. Even under the Tuscan sun, yes, everybody wanted her, but she still needed to take that break and go to Tuscany for her to be ready to receive this kind of love. So I think as all data is, we just need to remember the dating apps are not a shortcut, but they are just introducing you to people that you may not otherwise meet in real life. No, I love that and I love how you said about being really intentional about swiping because I can't tell you how many friends I've been around who are like swiping and I've never used the dating apps to find someone. And I love watching people use them. And even with the brand, I'm like, wait, wait, you just said no, so hopefully I'm like, you just looked at one photo, like you didn't even look at this person's profile, like maybe they're funny, maybe it's something else. Like maybe their first photo wasn't like, I don't know, like the breathtaking stop, like, love at first sight that you want. But there's so much more about them. And I feel like it's so easy to quickly, if you're at the grocery store or on the toilet or whatever, to swipe swipe, I put swipe, what you're right, like what you get in the energy you put into it, like, might be the energy that you get out too. This one's such a tough one because, you know, I totally agree with everything you just said. It's like, I think the best people on dating apps are not the flashy profiles. It's like the hidden gems that barely know how to put up a dating profile, right? Because it's like the one skill you do not need in a relationship at all is how to market yourself. But I think where it's difficult, it's because on one side, that is the bad side of dating apps. It's diminished. We have like two seconds to make a decision. That's how our minds work with them. And I feel like that's a lot of people. That's just how it is right now. And it's all based on the photo. It's almost irrelevant. What you write in your profile, a lot of the times. And it's sad that it's so split second decision making because you're right, there could be someone freaking amazing that we're just swiping right by. I always joke to my boyfriend that he just had these emojis covering his friends faces and caught by attention. How do you have that? I guess for some funny. Exactly. But also it's attention grabbing, right? Where you could just swap like swipe by so quick. But then on the flip side, we see people making all these assumptions based off someone's something someone wrote in their profile and spending so much time writing their profile for people not to even read them at all. And that also is not a good usage of time because it's kind of trying to fill in the gaps and not get to know the person. That is so interesting because I have a couple people in my life who refuse to use dating apps. And I'm like, you have to get into modern day dating. And it's because they just overthink their profile so much. They don't know what to write about themselves. They don't know what images. And it makes me so sad for them too. And I could see how both sides are so hard to deal with, but I'm like, your profiles are never going to be perfect.
00:40:05 - 00:45:05
Who's it going to be perfect for? You don't know who's on the other side looking at it. But yeah, that's really challenging. Well, the fascinating piece of all of this is if you walk into a bar, you're not going to be going up to every guy over analyzing them, looking at their shirt, asking them about their background and Googling them. It's still based on that first impression. So I think the first impression swipe is actually pretty effective. So you are overthinking. But what people are swiping on is based on whether they see themselves in a relationship with this person or not based on just their photos and bio. And unfortunately, in real life, the bio, the pictures don't translate. So we came up with this sort of framework, is you swipe for a house party. You're having a house party. Swiping through the photos and seeing who you want to invite to your house party, 'cause that's all it is. You're not looking for your husband, or boyfriend, or relationship material, just someone you really want to hang out with. Yeah, and the filtering should happen on the conversation, not on the profile, because how much can you really learn? Like UA was saying, all you can learn is how do I vibe with this person? Whether it's on a video call or in person or whatever you want to do even messaging on the app is better than just the static profile. Yeah, I think oh, I love that house party analogy. I'm going to start implementing that. And I think too, yeah. When you people listening are dating, you know, also too like, once you start messaging someone, you kind of, it takes it to the next level so quickly of how you see if you're going to vibe with this person. It is so wild to me how sometimes things are just flowing, you know, whatever and other times it is like crickets. Oh my God. Like 20 points. Dang. But yeah, that house party analogy is like, I'm going to tell everyone about that. I love that. Christina, aren't you? So are you so sad? You're missing out. You have major fomo. She's like no, I'm good. I mean, no, like sometimes I feel like it would be fun. But yeah, I guess I'm good. Have you ever swiped it? I think we've slide together. I think she was thinking of me when she thought of why no so fast. No, it's not specifically you. It's actually like every single person. Every single friend who has been on an app before. I'm just like, wow. I didn't get to see their photos. But I am not using them like that. So yeah. Obviously, my experience is very different. The part that's so fascinating is that data apps give us all these options. So we are exposed to more people than we've ever been before. But we also feel this abundance of choice that gets overwhelming, which is why we swipe really quickly. But then we also have a scarcity wide set at the same time. It almost feels like there's no one out there. And we actually call it there's a settling paradox that no one wants to set. Everyone's afraid to settle for the wrong things in the wrong relationship. So they will never settle for someone that's like under 6 feet. But then they'll settle for a situation ship. So it makes zero sense whatsoever. In a lot of it is just like what we're judging relationships by is what we've been fed for years. So that's wrong. And then also the way that dating apps work, they give us the information what they're height is, what their occupation is. They don't tell you are they kind or they humorous. They don't tell you all the qualities that matter in a partner. Yeah, Julie, I feel attacked with the 6 foot comment. Okay. I have branched into 5 territory recently. But have you guys heard of the app field? Yes. Yeah, I heard you were on it. Yes. Okay, so interesting because I think I've had a really positive experience there because it's not like so they don't have the height. They don't have occupation. It really shook up when I was in that dating. I got on there when I was kind of post that mental breakdown. It really shook up kind of how I thought about it because it was so different and it really fostered just a very open communicative positive environment where I was just way more open minded and I get into like one of the things was like a height thing for me. At one point we Christine always laugh at my height thing was set at 6 foot four and she was like no. Was it 6 5? I'll never get it. Or what? What percent? A girl can dream a girl can dream. But once I on field, I was like matching in messaging with these guys who I ended up having like such great conversations with and found out their height later.
00:45:05 - 00:50:00
You know so it's just my small tangent there. What you said, Julia spot on. Can we get into? We had our audience give us some relationship scenarios and we would love your expert advice on some of these. Are you down? Yeah. Okay. All right, the first one is, I'd like to date the guy. I'm casually sleeping with, but he swears he's not into monogamy, any advice. I'm guessing she is seeking him monogamous relationship. You know what? Someone tells you at face value what they want. For all the years I've tried, I would love to get that tie back of the years I've tried to change people. The best thing you could do is find someone that wants the same things as you do. Yes, yes. I mean, she hats her answer right there. He's not looking for the same things as her. It's not about him not wanting monogamy is that him not aligning with what she wants. And that's ultimately what matters in relationship. So then you have your answer right there and I think so many of us have been stuck in the situation because you think you can change someone or you think that if only they could see how good I am for them if they would want to be with me and be in a relationship with me. It doesn't matter. You could be the most perfect person in the world. None of us are. But even if you're the most perfect person in the world, that person is not aligned with what you want, they'll never see you in that way. Then it becomes a game of just winning for your ego, right? Because you're even trying to build a connection with this person. Yeah, I feel like he's literally telling you no. And you're still he must what was your reason episode dick my cheese dick? This girl's dick retirees is supposed to be really good. Get out of that. Get it. But you got to go beyond the dick, but we've all been there. But you know, I hear her going, but he tells me he really likes me, but we're still sleeping together and he treats me like his girlfriend when we're together. Yeah, 'cause you're giving him pussy. Come on. There is reasons why he's treating you so well. It's not because he wants to be in a relationship is because he wants to keep this situation ship going. Guys say that. They say they don't want to be with someone. It tells you straight up because then they don't feel guilt after. It's like I've told you what I want. You're choosing to stay. There are so many things where I have relayed what a man has said to me. And Christina or my mom will be like, say that again? But you will literally, when you're so obsessed with this person or into this person, sometimes you can literally tell you that. And you hear something different. Like I wish, like you said, I could have the time back where I was like, no, but mom, he said that he tells other girls about me. That he's saying. That's a direct quote. That's a jerk quote. And my mom was like, ran. Say that again and really think about it. So anyway, I can definitely hear this guy telling her like, no, no, no, I'm just not into monogamy, but I like you. So totally. Definitely. Oh my God. Okay, this is another question. I have a boyfriend of four years and recently he said he doesn't want kids. Assuming obviously she wants kids. She was very upset about it. What should I do? We talk about this one a lot. This is a really good topic because personally for me, I don't understand how people can make the decision about kids alone. I feel like it's a joint decision, unless if you're wanting to have kids on your own, which is a totally different story. But in these situations, we hear this from our listeners, too, is people decide on the kids situation before they get into the relationship. And then they bring that decision into that relationship. Things change. People change. The definitive answer, I think, is a red flag. And I would go back to him and have an open conversation, get to the get to the bottom of why. Why do you not want to have kids? Do you not envision kids with me? And then you talk about why you do want kids. I think it's a conversation. It's not convincing someone. It's not an argument. It's just a conversation. And it go in with the very exploratory mindset. And understanding if they have the conversation at the beginning, they're both on the same page and now they're not. What was it that changed? Because I think that will be key into figuring out what the game plan is moving forward. Right? Like if they were entered into the relationship and maybe he was open to kids and now he's saying no. Or yeah, we don't know what the roles are.
00:50:01 - 00:55:14
But do you think it's different for if a woman says she doesn't want kids versus a man saying he doesn't want kids? Different in what way? I'm just trying to think because when you said, you know, it's kind of a red flag if someone's says they don't want kids, but I think of like, I have a girlfriend of mine who's very adamant. She doesn't want kids. But maybe because I know her reasoning that I'm like, okay, that's maybe makes sense. So I guess it's just getting to the bottom of it. But for me, definitely, and I think of for me in my head is a little bit different for a woman to say she doesn't want kids versus Amanda say it. Because I think the woman's like carrying the baby and doing that. But I don't know, maybe I'm wrong in that mindset. But to me, it feels different for some reason. I don't think it's a red flag that he doesn't want kids. I think it's that they're not on the same page. And maybe they were once before, and I think, you know, there's no rules anymore. You don't need to have kids to have a happy life and a great relationship. So I think it's less about that aspect. It's more of just how much and again, probably what is the scale that she wants kids. Is this a must have? I can't live my life without doing this, then it comes back to it's going to be hard to change someone if they really don't want that. And then maybe just you're not compatible. But if you're at a point where it's a question, we're willing to go on this journey together to see where a few years will take us and that's a very different story. So a lot of it's just what spectrum are we talking about with this decision? Right. I think that's a good call out. When it comes to kids real quick because I feel like, especially for women, especially for women, unfortunately, there is a clock. It's put so much ad stress, especially if you really want to have kids. And you're dating. One is it too early to discuss having kids or wanting to have kids while dating because I'm a friend who second date, like she brings all this up and I feel like it gets very serious very quickly. And she's like, I don't want to waste any of my time. She's like, I'm like 38 years old. Like, I want to have kids. But I'm like, I don't know what advice to give her, you know? She's like, do you think I'm making a mistake, talking about it too soon? What do you guys think? Yeah, if you really want kids, the right man for you is the one who's willing to have this conversation as early as possible. I truly believe that. If you're scaring someone off because this conversation is coming too early, that's not the right person for you. So I think I don't think there's anything wrong with bringing it up pretty early on. And especially if you have a very good reasons for why you feel so adamant about it. I think it's how you say it too. Are you being like, I want to have your babies tomorrow with this person I've got up one date with or it's more like I see kids in my future and that's something that I really want in life. Just like, what is the conversation look like? I think that's a big part of it. But I absolutely agree just to share what your life vision is. It doesn't have to be done at a serious way. It can be a light conversation also, but just sharing what's important to you, you're only going to use that information to bring the right person and maybe you end up getting quote unquote rejected more. But if you look at it as a filtering mechanism to move the wrong people out to make room for the right person, then you're never actually really being rejected in the first place. I love that answer. I feel like delivery, you're right, is so key. Okay, speak about delivery. What about this one? Is the baby coming out now? You don't know in the delivery room. What do I do? It's my fuckboy. That's fits digitizing. Different delivery. Okay. When? Slash if do you follow up after first and second dates? Or do you let them do it? I don't know what to do. I hate waiting. Take a very cool this is so polarizing. I'm excited to hear what you guys say. Okay. It is a polarizing topic, and I think the reason why is especially for millennials that kind of straddle the new and the old, we've been drilled into our heads for years that women should lean back, that we shouldn't make moves and the guy won't like you. I'm assuming this is a woman that wrote in, but I could be wrong. Okay. There's so many of those rules that were given to us bad Cosmo articles and books and all that why men love bitches, my least favorite book of all time. Personally, I feel like you need to take control of your love life. Again, if you're going to, if you're going to scare someone away because you text them to say that you had a good time, like what relationship would that be anyways? Do you want someone? It's interesting because we always what we're looking for in dating isn't what we're looking for in relationships.
00:55:15 - 01:00:03
I would go on a gamble that most of the people that say they don't want to bake that first move. Ultimately do want an equal ish relationship where they feel like their peers with their partner. And maybe it's not a 100% for everyone, but in today's world, most women want to feel equal in partnerships. So I like to think about it like do I want a relationship with someone that I can't text because I'm afraid that it's going to scare them off and the answer is no. So personally, I would do that. That being said, if you feel like you're the only one making moves, then that's also like, that's not an equal partnership in a different way. So I think that's also fair to say that you don't want that, but I don't think if you text someone first or you tell them you had a good time, then that sets that up for that. The right person is just going to be super pumped that they heard from you in the first place. I'm going to bring a little bit of heaviness to this answer and I apologize ahead of time trigger warning. But I have a friend whose husband is currently has stage four stomach cancer. And he only has limited time. She has two kids with him and they've been married a few years, and she said, I wish I didn't waste all that time, playing games with him in the beginning so that I could have one extra day with him. So ultimately I think when we think when you're in a relationship with someone thinking back, this initial stuff, the wondering, being a mind reader, playing games, it doesn't matter. It's just a blip. Who cares? If you're looking for an answer, you really like someone, you tell them. If you're ready for another date with them, you want to see them again. Tell them. Initiate. Don't waste that time because that's the right person for you. Again, you can't get that time back. So when you want to spend next year with them, I also look at it too if it's causing you anxiety because a lot of people will say, I don't want to be the one to tax. But then they're looking at their phone every two seconds to see if that person is texting them. Personally, again, I would rather just release the anxiety and just be like, I'm just going to do all I can. And again, it's not rejection if this person does not meet me. I'd rather find out now than play a cool for three weeks. And then find out that they're not interested. I'd rather just put it out there, be authentic, personally, when I used to play all these games. I'm saying this is someone that would do this constantly. The second I dropped them, that's when things started to fall into place and I started to have real relationships. I could not get past date three when I was playing all these games. Right. I think as someone who's actively dating, I feel comforted hearing you both answer this question because I sometimes oh, I'm on dating TikTok. I don't follow any of these people, but they're all up in my feed all the time. And it's like, if the woman approaches or if the woman text, you're in your masculine, and he can't be in his feminine. And of course, I'm speaking from a cis straight dating situation. But I'm like, okay, so I got to pull back. But in no aspect of my life, am I a pulled back person? So for me, literally in no way. So why am I and I've told Christina this like, some of these dating practices that were taught? I feel like I'm losing myself and I feel like I'm not myself in these situations because I feel like I'm just straying away to try and be something that I'm being told to be or that what I think a man wants. And to be honest, like letting go of that is really freeing and obviously I'm still single, so I'm not speaking from the other side, but I've texted after a date, one of the best first dates I went on, ever. I texted him the day. It was like two days after because I hadn't heard from him. And he responded right away, and we ended up seeing each other for like four more months. So that's why I think too. It's like, you have to make your own rules and really just be yourself because you want to live with a life with someone where you can be your full authentic self. Exactly. I think of the person on the other side. I think sometimes we think, oh, that guy is like marked it on his calendar calendar that he's going to text me three and a half days later so that it keeps my interest. Like that guy's probably like, I wonder if she likes me. I wonder if I'll hear from her, like think about the person on the other side. Nobody's that conniving to plot out this scheme just to get your interests. So UA and I think this is the biggest problem in dating is in what we call it is relationship chicken. Everyone says they want to be in relationships, but no one wants to make that move. No one wants to put themselves out there and put themselves on the line. So it's kind of like this game of like, can I hold back? Can they hold back? And then what that results in is no one making any moves.
01:00:04 - 01:05:13
That's what people are complaining about. It's especially in today's world in a post me too world too. Men aren't making as many moves anymore. And they're not being aggressive because they can't anymore, then they're stalkers that they're aggressors. That's not the world we live in. So I feel like this dating advice, I love what you said where I am because it basically just makes you not authentic because you're following someone else's script. You're like reading lines that are not you. And that is not the way to attract a partner. Right, and it's like, I think too, I mean, I could talk about this. I'm like, we'll need to do a part three, but I do think that sometimes in dating, I feel like men and women aren't even in they're not even in the same book, sometimes if we're talking about a straight, straight dating, like I just think that because times have changed so much, it's so interesting to hear like I was on a date the other night with this guy. And I was like, okay, so let's say you're out at a bar, whereas most people men and women go out to meet people. And he was like, no, I would never approach women. If you just stand there, they'll let them come, they'll come to you. And it's like, whereas women were being like, no, you do not approach. If you approach blah blah blah. So it's just like, it's all fucked up. And there's no right way to do it is what I'm trying to say. Anyway, I feel like you guys have your whole podcast is on this modern dating why. So fucking crazy and hard. So fucking crazy. But that we all then women think they're undesirable because men aren't making moves. It's just like a vicious cycle. Okay, all this is so mind-blowing to me because first of all, one thing, I'm not even kidding you, when you said why men love bitches, that book was passed around majority, highlighted every single girl had a book. So no, I read it. Crystal bias. I know. It was recommended to me by like three Friends, and I read it in 2020. In 2020 four or something. Yeah. Okay, but I do think that there is something to be said about. I think that no matter what you have to be and do what is authentic to you. But I do think that there is something to be said about like, if someone really likes you, you'll know too. Because I feel like this is like where I have an issue. I think if you want to follow up with someone, follow up with them. But at the end of the day, actions speak louder than words. And if you're following up with them and then you're not hearing back or you're wondering why they're not following up with you. It's because they might not just be that into you and that is okay too. And I feel like that, for me, like what I personally, a lot of times I'm like, well, if they're going to, if they like you and they want to see you again, they probably you will hear from them. And I feel like for me, that's like very much of protect your own energy too because a lot of times we get so invested into people and romanticize this like a life with someone that we don't even really know. Yes. I have a friend that, you know, we'll just get so hung up on every last person and it's like she's met this person for an hour. When you really think about it, it should be like, but they had so much potential. I'm like, all you know is their resume. You don't know, do they have good follow-up? Do they are they consistent? Are they a kind person? You don't know any of this stuff, or meeting them for one hour. The reality is we don't know what is going on for people. And even I think you can have a great date and still not get that follow-up. And it may have zero to deal with you. So that's why I think it's worth taking the chance and like we've been saying, if they respond negatively, like who cares, it stings for a minute, but then you'll get over it and I guarantee in 5 years when you've met someone else that's freaking awesome, you won't even remember that person's name. Or even on your next date. Yeah, yeah. You're not even 5 years. I'm doing the next shower. But I do want to follow up on this because I think there is something to be said about reading signals and us creating rules in our heads that aren't communicated. Like if he doesn't do this, he must not like me. And in today's fucked up modern dating world, none of the signals are straightforward anymore. So I think for us, it is so important to be preemptive about this. On a first date or second date, communicate what you like in a person. I really like it when someone texts me back. I really like consistent communication on the phone. When you can communicate what it is you're looking for, then you're pretty much putting it out there for them to either meet you or them saying, actually, I'm not going to be this person for you. It's better to communicate that as opposed to creating these rules in your head. Or even having a light conversation of like, you know, what does a relationship look like for you? Like, what is an ideal relationship? And find out, does it mean that I see you once a week? Does it mean I see you once a month? Is it every day? Everyone has a different role in their mind of what a really in a definition of what a relationship even looks like in the first place.
01:05:13 - 01:10:02
So sometimes we just hear these vague things like I want a relationship. I want kids, but there's no path to how that's even going to happen. Right, that's so true. If you have in your head of what a relationship looks like in your dating someone who has a different picture, they could be thinking it's all hunky Dory. And like, oh, this is great. This is exactly what you know. And you're over there losing your mind with anxiety and overthinking everything. We can't expect people to know what we're thinking. And act how we want them to act exactly. You know what I mean? Go for it. As I say, I didn't ask that he just didn't text people. He liked the phone over tax way better. And I remember bringing up the texting to him. That was like a source of contention. And he did not see anything weird of just texting every three days. Like it wasn't even in my mind at the beginning, especially once I started to understand how he operated was less of a concern. The beginning, I was like freaking out like this person like me, you know? Because you're thinking about what you like and I do it too. All day, every day with my girlfriend. So I was looking for that in a partner. But then at the same time, now I found someone that does that with me. So maybe just like, we weren't the right fit, right? Right. And I don't like texting all day every day. Right. And I just want someone to like, hey, just call me at the end of the day. Let's have a quick chat. So it's just like everything's so arbitrary. You just need to find someone that's on the same page or can beat you on the same page. No, but this is so interesting because I feel like we always hear like the key to a good relationship is communication. We never really hear the key to good dating is communication. Yeah. Exactly. That is the, okay, you started this whole conversation of what is the overarching theme. That is it. Outside of focusing on yourself and doing that growth in taking accountability, it's communication because you're totally dead on Christina that it's like it could be the first date in your almost in a relationship. It's not a clearly a full blown relationship, but it's a relationship of sort. So if instead of thinking about dating as like this me versus you game of like, can I get this person to like me? Can we start to think about this as I'm going to have a relationship and putting it in quotes with everyone I encounter, maybe it's an hour relationship, maybe it's a two week relationship, but it allows us to be a team more opposed to this me against you. Yeah, absolutely. Well, this conversation was so good. The time flew by what the heck? Yeah, I did. I could do more episodes with you. We're doing a marathon advice. So thank you so much for coming on and sharing your wisdom. Can you plug yourselves tell everyone where they can find you? People can find us at dateable podcast dot com that's our website. We are David podcast pretty much on every platform. And you can listen to our episodes on all the platforms that exist right now, which is like a thousand of them. So many. Yep, Apple podcasts, Spotify, everywhere. We're everywhere. We're everywhere. Amazing. Thank you guys so much. I think we're gonna have to have a part two. Follow up. Let's do it. Let's do it. Awesome. Bye guys. Bye. Thank you. Thank you so much for tuning in today for more information on this episode. Check out the show notes on our website to confident collective dot com and find us on Instagram at confident collective. And if you really loved what you heard, screenshot today's episode in the podcast app and share it in your stories and don't forget to tag us. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review.
01:10:03 - 01:10:41
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