Forget about that BDE, we got that new year energy to bring us into 2022 strong. We got a spicy new bonus episode about what we collectively (we're looking at you all too) learned from dating in 2021, what we want more of in the new year regarding our love lives, and deets of a new dating app reset challenge coming your way.
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BONUS: Bringin' that New Year Energy
00:00:00 - 00:05:03
This episode is made possible by our sponsor happy brain podcast. This won't be news to you, mental health is important. Your mental well-being sets a tone for your love life. And if you're not in a good mental state, dating won't be so enjoyable. However, mental health can seem so healthily sometimes. So this will be news to you. There is a way to improve your mental health and actually have fun doing it. That's where the happy brain podcast can help. In less than 15 minutes, Heather parody explores outside the box ways to not only improve your mental health but have a freaking great time doing it. Some of my favorite episodes talk about hypnosis, why you should create an alter ego, and what the heck a laughter club is. You'll have to listen to find out. I've also found some of the episodes to be great icebreakers on dates. So who says the conversation around mental health has to feel like a massive chore, search for the happy brain podcast with Heather parody today and start making your mental health journey and your brain a little happier.
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
Hello, dateable family, happy new year, happy 2022 is so nice to have you all back for the day to podcast where we are not changing anything about our content, okay? We're still trying to get to the bottom of modern dating, but new year, new season, new stories, new learnings. You know, every year, new stuff unravels of getting to the thought of a modern day. I think it's still so funny that we first started this. We were like, I feel like we're gonna run out of dating stories. Exactly. 6 years later, they just never stopped, do they? No. And it's almost like the same kind of info or questions, reappear in different ways. Different ways. So, you know, no matter where you are in your dating journey, there's something for you on the dateable podcast. That's for sure. I think 6 years ago we would not have predicted data during a pandemic ever. So that was a big curve ball for us for sure. We would have won a lot of money if we had predicted that. Yes, we would have, but we will be doing predictions next week. But this week, we want to check in, you know, and reflect back on the last year. And then what's in the year to come when it comes to dating in relationships? Yes. And it's always good to reflect back Julia is the one that taught me this is the end of the year or beginning of the new year. You want to do a year in review. Of all the learnings, your highs and your lows, so you can go into the new year with an understanding of what happened in the last year and I love that because I've always just lived my new years is like fresh start. Let's just forget what happened last year. But a lot of what happened last year will feed into what will happen to you this year. I need to pull this up because he's selling one of our moderators. She posted a really great tool for people to do this. And it's called your compass, your compass dot com. This is not sponsored by your compass. But, you know, I've actually seen to be. I've never tried your compass, but I thought I looked at it and it looks super cool. It basically does what you just said. And you could do it digitally or you can print it out. So for, you know, the old school folks that like the pen and paper got you and then for people that prefer digital means, then it's also available that way. So I'm definitely planning on using this and trying it out because I love that they already have prompts ready for you. It's so important to do the year in review now I realize because there's so much shit you forget. And when I did my year in review, I actually followed the Tim Ferris format where he had you go week by week to talk about your highs and your lows and what caused the highs and the lows and then list out your accomplishments month by month. And I realized there was so much I have forgotten that happened last year. Because I was like, 20, 21, nothing happened, such a wash. I didn't accomplish anything. I was sitting duck. And I looked back and I was like, I bought a fucking place. I moved to a different city. We launched a course. There was just so much that happened. I kind of like just forgot or glossed over. Yeah. And then I love the prompt of what were the highs and the lows and what caused them. So that you start to see patterns of things that like you want more in your life and things that you should avoid. I was gonna say, I feel like this year has been anything but boring for both of us. A lot of stuff has happened. A lot of stuff with dateable that we can not wait to share in 2022.
00:05:04 - 00:10:07
Some of it's still coming into fruition, so as soon as it's good to share, we will, but there's a lot of exciting stuff that we have going on. We have one thing that will be launching next week that will share a little more about in this episode, but we do have a few other things that are more kind of some other ways to basically take data to other mediums. So there's a lot of exciting stuff in the works. This is the most frustrating part of the process for me, Julie, it's like all the accomplishments we can't talk about. And you know how everybody on Instagram was like, here are all the things I accomplished in 2021. There were so many things that happened to us in 2020 when conversations, even like in 2020 that we can't talk about, we can't disclose, we don't want to jinx. But I wish we could listen out because a lot of exciting shit did happen last year and the year before that. And I wonder how many other people are also experiencing the same thing, you know, the things that you can't disclose to the public eye drives me nuts. Well, 2021 was a setter year for us, I think. We put up an Instagram post that 2020 was the year of the community. That's when the love and the time of Corona group was born. That's when the sounding board was created. And then 2021 was all about finding your person and then 2022. We've got some new stuff in store, but I feel like a lot of the stuff for 2022 was just getting built on in 2021. Do you have any new revelations or I don't want to call them resolutions, but any revelations or intentions that you're bringing into the new year? Yeah, I mean, there's definitely ones just life wise, but I think dating and relationship wise too, I have some. I mean, I think life wise, I'm really trying to, you know, I think the pandemic was definitely more sedentary for me, so I'm really trying to up my activity levels. I've been doing like running challenges and stuff, so I'm really trying to get back into running. So that's, I guess, more of a personal thing that's like. And you and your boyfriend are always outside. You're always hiking somewhere. We are. I think that's been really good for me. And I think he's brought that side out of me a lot. We talk about that that I am definitely the more let's go for a walk in the city, but he pushes me to do hiking a lot. And I really enjoy it. It was funny. We went hiking yesterday, we're recording this on Monday before this goes live on Tuesday. And for a second, he observed a first date happening. Arithmetic first or second date, like the conversation they were having seemed an early stage type of relationship, right? And he said something to me was like, did you hear that? And I was like, I was zoned out and I did not hear anything. And he was like, you were thinking about furniture, weren't you? Because I'm like that. To my place. Which I thought was funny and itself, but I realized that I actually was not thinking about furniture, although that does occupy a lot of my brain space. I was just zoned out and content and not thinking and it made me think of the rob Mac episode that we did about happy this. And he said happiness is the state of comma essentially, right? The state of not thinking in the time when there's not a zillion thoughts going through your head. And I think that has been something that has been really good for me this year and I think my boyfriend I always say this is that I help him speed up and he helps me slow down. And I want to bring that into 2022 is that I want to slow down a little because I think sometimes to speed up, you do need to slow down and not get caught and just like the minutia and the small things. So I think that's, I guess, maybe something on bringing into 2022. I'd say the other piece is, you know, this has been clearly a big year for me that, you know, I bought a place also, but also met my partner and you know it's been a really great year for me. I said 2021 has been one of my best years because I did meet him. And we were talking about what were our things for 2022 and initially I started going to career stuff and things with the podcast and other parts of career. And I took a step back and I realized that I didn't say love and relationship because I kind of felt like I already got it. But I do think that is actually a bad way to think about things 'cause you can't just stop after you get it. So I'm like actually though I want to also prioritize love in relationships, even though things are going well. I still want to make it a priority because I don't think you should ever stop prioritizing it. That's very true, because you feel like it's a default setting. You already have a relationship where I love it's good, but we are the walking examples of why relationships are an active everyday effort.
00:10:08 - 00:15:10
And you have to actively date your partner. We preach it all the time. Sometimes we probably forget ourselves. I feel like I'm in the same boat because I feel like, oh, now that I have the relationship stuff, checked off. I can focus on the other stuff. And if that's not the case, 'cause you can't abandon the relationship either in favor of something else in your life. So I'm glad that you brought that up. Yeah. And you and I are gonna do something really fun in the upcoming weeks during this bonus period is I saw this on a different podcast, but I really loved it. It's the idea that basically all interview UA and UA will interview be. It will help us go a little deeper because you know I feel like you've had a big year like you navigate a moving to a new city and you and your boyfriend were kind of doing dual residency for a little and I think there's a lot of really interesting things that people can learn about being three years into a relationship. So I'm excited to ask you a bunch of that stuff and dig a little deeper. So I think that's going to be a really fun way to one, obviously get to know us better, but also we are going to have learnings that apply to everyone, of course. And some of the BTS stuff that maybe didn't make it to the actual episodes. Maybe it's like, what was happening during this episode, you know, right beforehand that we can now disclose to you all because sometimes you know we're so focused on the content and the interview that shit happens right before an episode that puts us in a specific mood, for example. So maybe we can get to some of that. I've already started my list for you, Julie. Oh, watch out. I can't wait. I can't wait. You guys are gonna see who the grillers are at the group. It's a lot more extensive than the list I made for your boyfriend, by the way. Well, we did catchy way when she lost her voice. So that was part of it. Yeah, he lucked out. Coming back for round two. Very, very soon. Oh, you ate, always the griller. Always. But this, so this year, my intention for this new year is I want to stay curious, but I want to actively find answers. So something that I've been doing the last couple of years is just be curious. Oh, I wonder why that happens. I wonder why that is. But then I don't immediately follow up with researching for the answer. So now I'm making it a point that if I get curious about something, I will immediately go find some sort of answer to it. What's an example of that? Okay, something really fucking dumb. And then you're gonna be like, I can't believe this is what spurred this intention. I can't wait I'm so glad I asked the why. It was walking, I was walking my dog and this lady was like, oh, happy new year's. And I was like, happy new year. And I was like, why did she say happy new year's? Why is it plural? I don't understand. And then a bunch of people were like happy new years. With the apostrophe in emails. So instead of being like, I wonder why people say that onto the next. I Googled it. And it's just people being dumb. It's just, it is not the right way to greet happy new year's people are mixing it up with happy New Year's Eve. Happy New Year's Day. But you can't just say happy new year, it's just a lazy way. So it's either happy new year or happy new year's something. Okay, people, I'm just gonna put it all out there. I look forward to 2022 when you age drops a bunch of knowledge on us. Useless facts. Useless facts. All around. But I'm glad I got to the bottom of it because I was like, have I been saying it wrong, this whole time? It's a happy new year's. No, there's no ass people, no S well, I'm so glad that we got to the bottom of that. My day has been made. But on a more serious note, my boyfriend I made intention list for the new year together. And the funny part is Julie and I share a canva account and I created this list in our canva account and I had to immediately delete it because on our list, there's some pretty personal things. So not ready to put out in the public yet or to divulge to Julie. What if I was in the canva cat of like, this is a great Instagram post. I'm just gonna put it up on our shared data bowl. You always like. Oh my God, our deepest darkest secrets. You're lucky I'm not lurking canva that much. I did not see this. So you're safe. Sure, she'll stalk a demo account by canva is the one that she had. Now I know. I didn't think there was juicy shit at Canada. That's juicy shit. I created a journal in campus. Wow. I know that that's where I gotta go find all UA steep darts. So now we're also the Internet. It's our shared canva account. The trash folder is where to find everything. You raise customer support, so is there any way that someone can just erase all of my shit forever to automatically delete please? Burn that shit.
00:15:11 - 00:20:01
But we did create some very good intentions, one of them is we want to make more Friends. I feel like sometimes in a relationship I am totally guilty for this is that the relationship becomes my social life and that we don't actively search for new social interactions. So because we're a new city is a huge intention of ours to make new friends in this time of Corona somehow. I hear a lot of couples say that. I think especially if you relocate because you're social network is not there anymore. You have some friends in LA, but it's not the same necessarily. So I think, yeah, I think that's a real thing. I think it's unrealistic to expect that one person is going to be every year. Yeah, I mean, I think that's definitely something that's kept me in San Francisco for so long is that I do feel like I have that social network. It's something that I think is so important when you're single too. That's what got me through the pandemic. I didn't feel the loneliness because I did have that social support network. And I do think it's something for me. I was out with a friend of mine before I went back for the holidays. And it was just the two of us because my boyfriend was already traveling for the holidays. And we were talking about she mentioned another friend that kind of dropped out of she's got a boyfriend. And I was like, I hope that's not me it anyway. She was like, no, it's definitely not. And she's like, I love being around your boyfriend too. So I felt better. But I think there is something that I do want to make sure that I preserve friendships one on one, but I do also like that I can bring my boyfriend and he's become friends with my friends and a lot of my friends have significant others, so you know it works in group settings also. But it is fun to be around other people. Not that partner isn't enough, but it's also fun to have that dynamic in. And that's something to be said about the age that we're in, right? Because I was thinking about some of my friends who've been with their partner since they're 20s. They all have the same group of friends and is amazing because they made these friends together in their family years. But when you're dating in your 30s and 40s and you're in a new relationship, you're bringing two separate groups of Friends together or integrating with your partner's Friends. It's a little bit different. You have to make more of an effort because you're not making new friends together, per se. Yeah, I think it can be really hard if you don't like them. I like that. Isn't the case, but I think that could be very difficult. I know. I'm very vocal about the Friends that I don't like. My boyfriend's eye. I'm very vocal. I call certain people negative value, 'cause I think they bring no value to the relationship to the friendship. And I think it's true. I think just by their actions, they take advantage of my boyfriend. They are not nice to him and they don't ever show appreciation or gratitude. So then I often say there's a negative value. Well, I think that's a very real thing too, you know, for everyone in friendship. I think the weirdest thing is the friendship breakup or I've definitely had like ghost friends before that I wouldn't say close friends. I'm not gonna say close friends, but people that, you know, I maybe was like a friendly acquaintance with. There's a couple girls I can recall that, you know, like I always like, if someone asked me to meet up and get drinks, like I would go. But there were a couple times that I did it with some people, one on one, and I'm like, it's like dating, right? Sometimes you just don't click with them. And I remember this poor girl, I would always tell her that I was just staying in. And I wasn't going out that night. And then what time? We were out at a group, and she's like, you're such an introvert and a home body and my other friend was like what? And I was like, don't blow by spot. But I'm like, how do you break up with someone that's like a Fred? How do you say I just don't enjoy being around you? It's either you either break up with them or you create boundaries. And that's what I encourage him, my partner to do, and that's something I've had to do myself. It's like you have to create boundaries otherwise. How do people know that they're taking advantage of you? They don't know. I think some people just like walk through life being a very ignorant to their impact on people. And you just have to kind of let them know and then establish your boundaries that way. Yeah, I definitely do want to do more friendship content next season. I think even with us, I think it was hard for me a little like when you did get in a relationship at the beginning. It does change the dynamic. And I think that's like why I'm conscious of it with friends that are single now because it's happened to me so many times, right? Not just you, but just any friend, right? It does change the dynamic and it's not a bad thing. It's just part of life, but I think there's an interesting element that I think we kind of had that period too that maybe we drifted a little in that we got back together.
00:20:02 - 00:25:03
And I think there is some of that that does happen when there's new relationships in the mix. Some of us just inevitable. Right. It's the balancing of trying to grow a new relationship and maintaining old friendships. That is the hardest phase for me. You just feel like you can't satisfy anybody. Guilty for both parties. So it's just finding that balance is something that maybe we can explore in this season. Yeah, no, I think it's a great topic for sure. But what else I'd like to explore is? We got some more stuff to explore. Always explore over here. We had some really good YouTube community insights from our Facebook group love in the time of Corona. So we wanted to read off some of them and also add some commentary, of course. You know, I'm always amazed by the people in our group. The level of emotional, intelligence and just reflectiveness. And all the stuff that makes you so dateable, I see that in so many of our members all the time. But one of our moderators, Jason, he posted, what are you most thankful for from your dating journey in 2021? And it was really interesting to see some of the responses that came in. So we'll read a few and add some commentary, but there was one from Mikey that said, ending it when I could see it wasn't going to work instead of trying to force it. I think that is so big. I think so many times we feel like being with someone is better than being with nobody. I definitely have been there before that, especially if you're the only single one in your friend group for whatever reason. You feel like having this person that maybe treats you super shitty is still someone, right? That you can talk about and you have something to bring to the table. Does it make you feel as lonely that you're not with anyone? But I do really strongly believe that when you do this and speaking from experience, it does not let the right people in. If you're with someone, you just can't meet someone else. That's just reality. I think it's really hard to be on dating apps and open to do people when you're fixated on someone else. This is the difference between living your life passively or proactively. And I think in Mikey's comment, you can passively led a relationship just go on and on endlessly, that's an easy route. Or you can proactively do something about it and that could be ending it or to work on that relationship. And I think at any given moment in time in all of our relationships and in life, we have to ask ourselves that question. Am I living this life where this relationship proactively or passively? Another that one that we had was from lorita, being open to new ways of thinking. It led me to dating a younger man and this is the first time I've had healthy communication and conflict resolution in a relationship. Oh, that's huge. A huge transformation for Laura as well. I mean, she's always been someone that we've thought was pretty open. And now we realize even open people can be even more open. Absolutely. It's just like, you just gotta keep asking yourself, what is my capacity here? Can I stretch my capacity a little bit more to see things in a different way? This comment from Carla, proving to myself that I can recognize when people aren't for me, that I can set boundaries that work for me, grateful for a couple of broken hearts this year. Yeah. You know, sometimes you need to just date to realize who isn't the right fit for you. I think sometimes we go into a date expecting that this person is going to be our person from time number one. But being able to recognize qualities that aren't the right fit, I think is just as valuable because then when the right person comes around, you're able to recognize it real quick. Yes, and those broken hearts are going to help you get closer to that person who is right for you. And then we had Jordan. I went far outside of my comfort zone for a day twice. I did not date at all in 2020 in my last before it was in 2019. So I've been in the space of why not. I love it. Why not? Why not? Exactly. I think a lot of us are going to be in that space in 2022, moving into this year. 2020, especially was a damn hard year. I think a lot of us weren't dating at all, or we were navigating this completely new world of data and balancing health concerns with meeting new people. It was a really tricky year for people and I think in 2021, we kind of learned to live with the pandemic a bit more. So hopefully in 2022, it can open people up that maybe have had a ton of self reflection time and are ready to kind of get back out there. Can I read this one from Amanda or is this too much? Oh, I was gonna save it for the end. Okay, save it for the end. I'll read the one from sora. I'm grateful for the countless first dates I've had. It's taught me resilience, impressive beards, and not to settle.
00:25:03 - 00:30:00
I'd rather be single than settle. Yeah, damn right. And subtle meaning, and we used to settle in many different ways. Settle as meaning, being with someone who's not right for you. That's the context we're talking about. And those countless first states do help you to get to the person who is right for you. I think with modern dating our expectations of a partner or so much more that they ever were for our parents generation in generations before, were essentially expecting this person to be our best friend, our soulmate, our life partner, all wrapped into one. And sometimes before I used to be like, is this a pipe dream? Is this realistic? Is this the needle in the haystack, but I'm also glad I waited because I do feel like I found that person that doesn't body all that. And I do believe they're out there, so I strongly agree, it's like, you want to stay open, but you also want to, you know, at the end of the day, you want to feel good about the person you're with. That's like the most deported decision in life when it comes to out to it. For sure. Okay, we have dark in. I went through my first big heartbreak earlier this year and learned so much from it. I'm not thankful I got my heart broken, but I'm grateful for the journey it sat me on. I went on a bunch of first dates after that and I feel like I'm finally learning how to trust my gut. Be true to myself instead of trying to conform myself to what the other person wants and have dating be fun and interesting rather than constantly anxiety inducing measure of myself worth. Wow. That right there. I feel like we should put that on a T-shirt. Yeah, I mean, the journey, the J word, it's a true experience. It's a very human experience. And when we can recognize that we are human and what we're going through is not easy. I think that's when we have more compassion for ourselves. And for the people who we bring into our lives. So trusting your gut and knowing who you are, setting those boundaries, getting your heart broken, those are all very brave things we need to do as part of this human experience. I think this whole dating is anxiety. Anxiety inducing. I think so many of us view it that way. And I was reading stats that I don't know if this is a kid video theory, but you know like the smarter you are the logger you sometimes stay single. And I do think there is a tie into overthinking and crippling self doubt with perfectionism that could make that stat somewhat valid in the sense that the more we overthink the more we get in our head with it and sometimes, one of the big lessons I think I learned from our podcast brought into deity is you just have to go with your feeling and stop thinking as much. And I think for a lot of us over thinking a second nature and it can be really difficult to turn that dial down. And then the very last one that will read, there were so many great ones, but from Amanda, this group, in this group being the love at the time of Corona group, the date of a podcast. Facebook group. I did not date this year and have been dreading starting it up again, even though my goal truly is to find a partner. The dateable conversations have helped me gain a new perspective in the idea of starting to date again as exciting. I feel open to do possibilities and people. I feel like, first of all, thank you, Amanda for that. This is the reason why we created the dateable podcast and the dateable podcast Facebook group for people to have these conversations, but I'm also, I don't know if this is a trend. I'm sensing a lot of people are starting over again. They're getting back out there. They're starting restarting dating, maybe they took a year off from data and it is so exciting to see that people are pumped to get back out there into the dating scene. What would you say you and your you are both thankful for in your 2021 day journey? Oh, what I am most thankful for. I feel like on a very virtual level because I feel like all of most of my interactions were virtual in 2021 that mere strangers can feel invested in your life and I'm so grateful to know that we have listeners. We have community members, we have people who've just even sent random DMs or emails to us who are invested in our lives who are invested in this community and who really enjoy our content and that to me is just says so much about human connection that you don't necessarily need that physical presence with someone that virtually you could connect with someone. Yeah. I think for me I'll do it more.
00:30:00 - 00:35:01
I agree with everything you said on that level. I think from a day to day perspective because I did start off the year single. I think resilience was the biggest thing that I'm thinking before because I would say 2020 started a real rocky for sorry, 2021 started a real rocky for me with dating. I thought I was coming back from Boston from the holidays going to beat this person that I thought was my solvate. Yes. And I remember never met up. Sure. So much virtual beach. And there were a bunch of other people after that that, you know, it just kind of kept crashing and burning. And I feel like I gave a lot of I was very open but I did. And I feel like I got rejected more that I would say January and February and March that I ever had by a tire life. And looking back on it, I actually am really glad I did it and I don't look at it as a rejection because I believe that I was putting myself out there. It may be of the past I wasn't putting myself out there as much as I was at those months because I think that's kind of part of the course if you're really putting yourself out there that not everything is gonna stick. So I think just getting back up when things were hard, just keep going. I mean, I remember, you know, I had this kind of voice in my head from the cod before I had with dicky Dova, one of our past guests about just you know you're gonna go through a rough patch, but you're gonna be that person before your birth year, the birthday this year. And I think it kept me going and I really think with modern dating, sometimes you can't control other people, but all you can do is control yourself in this cycle of uninstalling reinstalling the apps like the only person you're hurting in that cycle is yourself. And I think the more we can just be like, was it the right fit? That person lost out, you know? I think the bore we could not make it a personal reflection of our own self worth. The closer we'll get to our own goal of meeting that person that recognizes our self worth. Have to go through the trenches. There's no way around it. You can't hack your way through love. There is no shortcut. We've known preaching this shortcuts. Both lived through this. You have to go through your own personal journey and sometimes that includes deep into the trenches which some of you are in and we recognize that we see you. We know you're out there and you're gonna get through this and there is there is hope at the end of the trenches. There are. Okay, before we get into new year's resolutions, let's take a quick break to hear from our sponsors. This episode is made possible by our sponsor better help. In our years of doing this podcast, there has been one major takeaway, and that is therapy is beneficial for pretty much everyone. And we are so happy that better help makes therapy more accessible for all by matching you with your own licensed professional therapist. You can start communicating in under 48 hours by connecting in a safe and private online environment. And you can send a message to your counselor anytime I know I do. And schedule weekly video or phone Sessions. Better help is more affordable than traditional offline counseling and financial aid is available. As our wonderful data listeners, we want you all to start living a happier life today. As a listener, you'll get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at better help dot com slash dateable. Join over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's better help spelled HELP dot com slash D ATE ABL E have you ever thought about how much better dating would be if you had a whole army of people supporting you along the way? We know that dating can be frustrating and lonely, but it can also feel fulfilling and fun. Have you recently decided you want to make some changes to your love life? Maybe you've recently reentered the dating scene, maybe you've gone on one too many dates that went nowhere, or maybe you're just ready to take your current relationship to the next level. That is exactly why we created the sounding board, a true extension of our podcast that delivers a personalized experience, which includes monthly office hours where you can drop in and chat with us about anything. Weekly sound offs with guided discussions and regular virtual happy hours, allow Julie and I to become your dating sherpas to provide real-time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can all navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. Again, that's dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. So let's go into some of our new year's resolutions 'cause our other moderator Ryan put up a really great post. Today, in the Facebook group, now that we're, you know, in 2022. He basically asked what new year new year's resolutions are you planning for the year 2022, pertaining particularly to dating and relationships. And he started off with a really great one that was just from Ryan.
00:35:02 - 00:40:06
I'd like to work on checking in more on my partner's needs. Communicating my own needs and having dialog with them as our relationship grows together. People aren't mind readers, you know, communication, you know, recognizing your needs. I think it's difficult in itself. A communicating them can be really damn hard, but it's definitely a skill. I was terrible at this, and I feel like now I just say whatever is on my mind. Yeah, good. It's better to not have filter 'cause life is too damn short if you have filters. What's the point if you can't communicate to your own partner? Right. Love that. Then Jessica said, after a year of not actively dating in 2022, it's own. I'm revamping my profile. I'm going to initiate more convos and just be to be a bit more bold. See so many people getting back out there into data. This is very exciting. You're all in this club together. Yep. From Amanda, I committed to date regularly and with an open mind. And I've already reactivated one of my accounts and started matching. Nice. You know, dating Sunday was just last week and the time from now until February 14th is the hottest time on data apps. So I think if you're odd the edge of restarting, although I am shocked at how expensive hinges, I'm just going to put this as a sidebar for a second. I was baby had a few drinks in with a friend of mine. I decided to I told her I would help swipe for her and we installed her hinge on my phone. The next morning. It was on your phone. Yes, the next morning she was not into this idea as much, but I realized that hinge premium is $30 a month now. What I did was 6 9 9. That wasn't that long ago. Sorry, sidebar. Sidebar. Still could be worth it. I swore by hinge previa, but $30 to 6 99 is very different. This just reminds me this side sidebar is we need resident, dateable, single reporter. You know, someone who's like out in the field reporting on the latest for us because we can't be installing hinge on our phones for fun anymore. So if anybody wants to volunteer to be our resident single reporter, let us know. I feel like we might get a few applications all of them. I think so too. And you know every episode we can check in. Here's our segment. We're gonna check in. What's going on in the dating world right now? I love it from a singles point of view. Nancy says, I'm just trying to be even more open than I already was. Not revealing too much info too fast and just having fun. Having fun is key, keeping a light. I was just gonna say, we definitely need the sickle reporter, but we also have a entire community of psycho. We do. We do. We just need someone who's like invested. Giving Us Weekly updates. I love this one from Amy. I plan on managing my mental health alongside a caps dating. I have people in my life that believe I need to do the former without dating, but I believe I can do it. I think this has been the year of mental health and recognizing the importance of mental health that everyone is on a spectrum of having some mental health challenges and things they want to work through. So I wholeheartedly agree that it does not need to be an either or. I think sometimes when we're waiting for things to be perfect, we're just waiting forever. It's like the dropping ten pounds before you start day. It's really hard to live in that mindset when you can always drop another ten pads in another ten pounds. It's this very much related to Abby's comment. My goals and years passed were always build my business find a part. This year, it's about me, which I think will help dating as a ripple effect, be nicer to myself in whatever form that takes self care, self talk, the list goes on and on. So true, if you can't be in a good mental space yourself, how can you be there for someone else? So it is so important to prioritize yourself first. Make sure you're just like, you're good to go. Before going on that date, nobody wants someone who squeezed in a date in between work calls or like after a really terrible day. Nobody wants to be in for that. That's not fun. I think the most attractive trait is someone that comes with the smile on their face. You know, anything else you can everyone has different tastes, but I would say that's the universal taste of someone that's gonna make their day a little lighter and a little more positive. That is how you set yourself apart on day gaps within dating. And that's not something that you have to do to alter your appearance or change any major thing. I really believe that strongly that when people find their person, it's because they're in a good place themselves.
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And then last but not least, we have Jason, goals for me, being present in the moment on a date. Not being nervous and taking pleasure in the very special moment a meeting a new person is also so important. Looking forward to making a friend and hopefully a romantic connection. Yeah. I think this is huge. I think sometimes we bitch about dating, but we forget that it's a luxury that we could go out and meet all these people in, you know, we'll say abundance of choice is challenging for sure, but we look back to other generations. They just got who lived on their damn street. Think about how limiting that. Sometimes that's your cousin. Go with it. Your sister, your brother. You know, I think that we oftentimes forget and like we were saying before, is that I think a good thing and a bad thing that maybe there's so much pressure to find this so quote unquote perfect person, but I think at the end of the day, this is our lives. This is a decision that's going to carry through to every day of our lives of who we're with. So why wouldn't you want to find someone that meets your needs? Go Jason, go all of you who set these goals. And let's just call them goals and intentions, not resolutions, or their intentions. You're putting it out into the universe. Do you have another one, Julie, for yourself, for myself? Well, I definitely think the one I shared earlier of keep prioritizing my relationship is a big one. I mean, I think the staying present sometimes I'm always thinking about the deck step and what's happening, but just enjoying every day as it comes. I want more days like the hiking day I talked about where I was zoned out and not thinking about anything, but just super happy to be where I was. And I think those are the little moments are what makes relationship and it's easy to get into that. Okay, now we're hitting the year Mark. What happens next, but I think sometimes you need to just let things go and enjoy each other. That's really what it is at the end of the day. What about you? I love that. We were having a hard time with this because we're thinking about milestones. And when it comes to relationships, there are only these milestones people talk about. Marriage, kids, moving in together. And those aren't the milestones we're trying to hit this year. It's like, what are the milestones we can create for ourselves to hit? And one of those was we want to tackle a challenge together, whether that's going on a very challenging camping trip, climbing a mountain or another idea was like, we're going to both learn instruments and play a duet together, something. I can't wear that. Where we will show everyone at our annual our annual couples show. Yes. No, that's not going to happen. But it's just something that we can build and learn together and treat it as a challenge would be our milestone. I love that. Just created your own milestones. It has to be these ones that society tells us to be. I feel like it would be so much more fulfilling if you're just feel like, I don't know, like thinking back to my running, like it's what I have small goals, right? It's like ride a bile that run two miles that rod three miles. Instead of just being like, I would wait till I do the ten K it's like why can't you have all these small things that add up and accumulate into major milestones? It doesn't need to be just the ones that you're told to do. Yeah, and what if those aren't the milestones you want to accomplish? Exactly. So you have to create your own and that's the beauty of relationships is that you make it your own. Nobody else can. Nobody else has to say in your relationship except for you and your partner and that empowering power. So with that, we did a year in review with our community. We talked about things that we've learned. We talked about our resolution for the new year. I do want to get to our question because this question I love it so much comes with so much optimism. Question says, dear UN Julie, if you had to give one piece of advice for my love life in 2022 for all of our love lives to be better in 2022, what would that one piece of advice be? Do you want to go first? Do you want me to go first up to you? You can go first. I'm trying to like distill mine into one piece of advice. I know, Julie has a hard time choosing one. Just one thing. She'll be like, there's one, and then there's one a one B. I have one. This is huge because this is for me as well. Prioritize self care above dating. And this is what happens. We've heard this story of people not being in a good mental space, not taking care of themselves, and they get back out into dating and they bring that energy onto their dates.
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And then those dates don't go anywhere. I wonder why. We have to start saying no to dates when we have self care already planned. If you were going to spend a night watching Netflix and sitting on your massage chair and someone wants to meet you for a date that night, maybe you just say no. I have other plans. Those planes don't have to be with other people. I really believe I'm speaking this so loudly because it's for myself too. Creating those boundaries and putting yourself first because that's the only way you can be there for other people is when you're there for yourself first. Amen. I agree. A 100%. I think my kinda goes in line with that, but I think it's remembering your damn catch. I think so many times we're trying to make this other person like us and we're getting upset if someone goes to us. It's so much of the focus is on this other person and I think we lose sight and I know I think subconsciously everyone knows that they're a good catch, but sometimes you need to really bring it to the forefront and believe it and that also helps you not stand for behavior that isn't making you feel that way. If you really believe that you're a damn catch and someone is so lucky to be with you because they are, you will not be with this person that doesn't call you or waits to the last minute to make plans like you'll be like this isn't serving me and you'll lose that person and find that person that you know is making you a priority and really values you and feels so lucky to be with you. I think the biggest reason that a lot of us stay single when we don't want to be, is that we're trying to make things work with people that, you know, just things aren't gonna work with. And we're trying to fit that square peg into a round hole. And if I could get back all the years that I tried to work with people, I think gonna work with. I probably would have been taking a long time ago, but you know what? It all plays it too. It all makes it worth that the log rod. But I think that really is so much of it. Sometimes it could be that simple of how do we just not focus on people that aren't showing us the love that we know we deserve. The right person does not need to be convinced. Remember that. They're already convinced. So if you're spending your time trying to convince someone that you're a catch, get the fuck out of there. And I think sometimes we're like, oh, it's the right person wrong time. Nope, I really believe that, you know, I think for me, this time around with my partner, we were both ready. And I think obviously we like each other and enjoyed each other's company, but I think the fact that we were both ready was equally as important as getting it off the ground at the beginning. Of course, if you're both ready, you don't like each other that it won't get off the ground either. But I think 5 subway that's in the same page as you, and looking for the same things and willing to make things work is so important. Totally. I wholeheartedly agree. Right timing goes hand in hand with right time. Right time goes hand in hand with the right person. You can't separate the two. You can't say it's the right time, wrong person, or right person wrong time. Nope. It's either right time, right person, or it's not. And I think when you beat the right person, speaking from experience, you see all the people that weren't the right person for what they were. Yes, so much of it so much of it. Hindsight is 2020, isn't it? Well, 2022. Great minds think alike. I guess we should stop rambling now, but we should talk about what we have in store for people on January 9th. We're about to release. It's a dating reset. We'll call it that. And should we reveal everything, Julie? Like, I think we could give a few of the fighter points, you know? Okay. Okay. It's a 22 day dating reset. That will help you slay online dating. And do we sound so cool saying that? Slay the data. But we know this is not just your generic like one day change your profile photo. No. No. We've done our research. These are proven tactics, also just a mental reset as well. Every day you're given something new to help you make online dating work for you as opposed to the other way around. I think this idea really came to light through our finding your person program because you know the finding your person program is a much larger program. So this will be a bit different in that regard to. But within that program, we talk about data apps because how can you not and a lot of the people in the program were like while you view data I'm sorry different than we do.
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And the ways that you were talking about them is not how we've been looking at them. And I really do believe we look at things differently with them and we're trying to help people get into that mindset a bit more because I think with finding your person we had a section dedicated to it, but we can go a bit deeper now with this specific I want to say it's like this reset challenge type thing that we're putting out there. And it will be focused more on the dating apps and how do you slay them? How do you get what you want from them? How do you keep your sanity with them? And then how do you talking about how do you keep up that resilience that you just keep going? 'cause that really is so much of it is that you just keep going, but it's difficult when you're not seeing the results and how do we either get the results and then also reframe how we're viewing results is so important. So sometimes you just need a cheerleader corner. Also, somewhat to kind of keep you going. I know for me not even just like with dating stuff but like other things, whether it's nutrition or running, like sometimes you just need a countability and that is half the battle. So that's part of it is that we're accountability buddies. It we're also trying to push you to look at things in a different way. So you can really make the most out of this period from peak dating season. So there's no time like today to really change how you view data gaps. So it's 22 days. You have to do all 22 days. You have to. Of course, we can force you, but we recommend that you do all 22 days, and you can do it on your own time. But we are launching this on the 9th. So definitely follow us on social media because we will open that up very promptly on the 9th. Yep, in the URL is going to be finding your person dot com slash apps. Like we said it's a bit different than the program, but it will be under the finding your person umbrella. It's an empire. Started. Anything else? Other announcements. You know what the usual podcast is our IG, follow us on YouTube, subscribe there. And of course, love in the time of Corona. You want to hear directly for the horse's mouth. I don't want to color listeners horses. But directly from the prophets about mouth like someone, that's just spurring out dating wisdom. You could go to love at the time of Corona by the dateable podcast. Obviously. And we are still in the off season. You'll be hearing more bonus episodes, but we'll be back for season 14 very, very soon. Okay, we're gonna wrap this up. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network, find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tagas in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those pose. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to. Stay dateable.