Bonus Check in with Past Guests Part I

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The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable. Show all about modern dating and we're still off season but we have a special episode for you guys because we thought hey. We've had so many guests on our show. Time has passed since her episode aired. There's gotta be new shit going on their lives so we're doing a check in episode where we are reaching out to some of your favorite guests to see what's new with them so i i won't give too much away but there are some marriages. Breakup re appearances and also one of our previous anonymous guests reveals his or her real identity. So let's go in with our first past guest. Jessica are you. We miss you. You're all the way back from season. One episode nine called are we or aren't we and in this episode. You talk to us about this kind of on and off relationship you never. Dt yard but then you were like sort of in this thing with the sky then he basically had an out because he never said that you guys were so. Where do you stand today. Oh my gosh how far. We've come so i am. Actually i am getting married in a while. i'm getting rates. Ooh it's crazy to think and it's funny. Now that i look back on it i was so that was such interesting time in my life i learned so much And learned you know. And now when i listened to the podcast and i hear other people kind of not in similar sort of similar situations but kind of the whole you know. Why can't you commit what may do wrong. And it's like i was litter. We've only thing i was doing wrong was not truthful to myself. I trust by not just listening. You're like you know when you ask a question and you know the answer but you ask the question like duties jeans make me look fat will yes you know. But you're asking you want to tell you different. I'm assuming that you're not getting married to the guy you talked about in your episode. Oh my gosh absolutely. Was this time around different than with that guy when you met your now fiance. Oh a hundred percent. There were no questions. There was no doubt i didn't feel like a crazy insecure. Says i you know there was never. There has never been a single time where i saw it. Oh you know. Are you seeing someone else that because that just isn't possible and totally a different scenario. I think an it's hard to even believe that this was only you know over to a little over two years ago. Let's say one of our listeners or for any of our listeners. Who were in the same situation. Where are in the same situation as you in that episode. With some advice you could give them sort of is twenty twenty after really yourself and find out your own troops because that's definitely is not mine and And i think you know listen to yourself you know the answer is you're kind of going back and forth or somebody makes you feel that or less than what you think you are. Someone's not treating you with the amount of respect that you would treat a dog. Then you've got to get out. That is not that is not the relationship. That isn't a relationship. I think a really interesting point which is a lot of times we date someone were so concerned about how we're being perceived by them. We want them to like us. We want them to think we're cool. There were open that you know whatever situation. We're in we're i'm fine with it but at the end of the day. You're the one who has to live with yourself so you have to ask yourself okay. Forget how this person feels about me. How do i feel about myself right now. Do i respect myself for the decisions. That are making totally. And also you're not letting yourself be open to meeting that person that's amazing for you like just a half valley that is exactly at. It's you don't sometimes see. I think How bad that can be when you're in this relationship that's not a relationship and you take still outbid.

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I'm still open but you're not because you're every humans were kind of survival. The fed is hunter gatherers. We want what we can't have so we're going to go after that thing that isn't attainable to us for whatever reason and thought i think that's that's where you put your energy and not you know it's not meant to happen for a reason wasn't yourself run away and risque. You're awesome yoga as well congrats on the upcoming nuptials. We wish you forever happiness with your man who you didn't have to play any games with or have to guess what he was thinking. I mean when it works it works now. We have dan the phone. Dan is from season three episode nine called yellow fever. Dan has a preference for dating easy. Women dan how are you good. What's the latest. Are you still dating. My people's allthough do you. Like how are you dating. Like asian mixes or something. No i'm still. I'm still dating ladies. It's just you know we don't get me younger so kind of thinking about like want settle balance and that sort of thing and Experiences in the past dating dating people of other races it was hard. It was a lot harder actually to connect with their families. You know like. I think an episode. I mentioned black axe heated like they were giving her you grief about it and then couple hesitated more seriously asian american gals you know of sometimes apparent even speak english cantonese. Click and they were nice enough. You know they were very welcoming but it's like should love to kind of you know connect with my family. So what are you getting. Guess i myself marrying a waco. Really theory i. I do remember that episode. I said there's some guys. I dated some non asian guys who see themselves marrying asian. But most of the non asian guys dated. Don't actually end up with asian. And i think a lot of it is the family connection the cultural connection and i think when you do think long term you know. It's it's not so much about race. It's about like how you were brought up and you just you just click better a on a long-term level with people that have similar backgrounds you and then especially with the jewish thing i really enjoyed i would say joining race jurist i enjoy the result like it's nice jewish people with you on that one. Have you met. Julius bam six months ago as you may now but asians. Us kind of interchangeable sometimes yet make sense. Yeah interesting so are you dating right now us. Okay okay dating. Asian or is there a mix of whitening of alabama a moral quandary which is a very attractive asian women. But it's like. But if i if i don't have strong intent of maybe ending a long term situation model but what if they're like fifth sixth seventh generation asian-american then. There really shouldn't be that much of a cultural gap is a little. Yeah because i. I've dated eighteen guys who felt like my parents were so non-asian in the way they think they're like my parents are very progressive. Went to My friend had a shower. you know. he's he's awesome awesome and he's has chinese half white and she's filipino. And i go there. It's just filipino. Capable for days they show up this show up and everyone was super nice easy to connect with and i watch him interacting with his in laws. And you like. You're not just marrying a person. You tally true.

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And it's just saw married like you said like ciller. Your your upbringing agree though. Like i always thought for a while. It didn't matter and then i recently went to my cousin's wedding and disease pretty jewish and she married someone that's very similar in like the parents. Just get along while it feels effortless. It's not to say that a relationship can't work when it's not alright. Something about them like having that shared background. That just made it really natural. And i don't mean to generalize. But i'm just thinking back on all my interracial friends who married interracial partners and a lot of them like have married guy who have no families. That's really sad to say. But it's like they're either like they're they're not as close to their families or their They may not just have that many family members. I you know. I actually haven't seen that many of my friends who've married interracially who have both have huge families that are close to interesting. Yeah but it is. I've been another race. She was kind of like me. We're both like almost like unmortgaged ourselves. Smart families to saw a lot super close with family and every every cal that same situation for whatever reason she i mean some of them were like alienated from their family. Didn't like their parents. And he's bond over that or at least a less of an obstacle harmer's on march right. So will you really need. Dan is like our friend jenna. She's she's asian but she's jewish and she let her now husband on jay. Sorry but yes jokes about that. Yeah but she's like full-on jewish. She's she was adopted. Yeah maybe she was raised jewish as she's adopted. Yeah jewish thing is is. There's clearly your choice. I like kittle. Church shudder over. How jewish they are are all good conservative. Like was he mother. Jewish like and like. Don't talk to me what. You're nodding in fully agree all right dan while this is a conversation that we're going to keep going with you know i'm gonna next season seasons after that we're going to keep exploring this idea of not just yellow fever but interracial dating in general. Who do you really end up with a you know what. What does it really mean to connect in to see someone for the long term. So thank you for being open and honest with us. Then galon trying to find that nice combination of asian looking but maybe jewish background. I don't now we have eighty on my gosh to your ghost. So in katie's episode from season two episode. Three in an episode called the two year ghost. She was dating. This guy really liked this guy. Things were progressing well and he went away on a trip and came back. She never heard from them again till two years later he came back into her life was like. Hey i'm ready for a relationship and the ghosted again. so basically. he's a two year ghost. Who hosted twice in those two years. So katy what's the latest update with you. So now the seven year ago star six seven years ago he came back two years later and then actually he just came back around in january of this year shot and i was at a time in my life but the last time we spoke i was in a relationship and i was no other in that relationship it ended and i thought you go out for drinks with this guy. Find out what he's up to fucking enough. I mean we talk for many hours like you always do. But i realized was like i detracted to the sky or i don't know what it was and and Then a month later. Here's a candidate for happy hour again. I thought why not at that. I don't know why you keep saying why not your because you wanna come on podcast. I met him and he confessed that he had always liked me.

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Respected me and had thought of me and he was really ready for a relationship again And it shocked me because of course know it shouldn't have shown me but i think shocked like though focus. I was at that point. I was like Did you confront him about his two year. Ghosting offense very blunt. And i just i kind of laughed it off. Yeah i come back. Arale laughed about it. He just he's always it's really busy. Were and really consumes consumed and forget about things. God is a rolling so hard right now efforts so out of curiosity. How did this ghost come back. What was his motive communication Funny enough he had sent me an email on facebook homer a coachella He was invited me to go with his friends. And i haven't talked to him years. It was like he accidentally sent to me. So few days of my. You know. I think this is a you know. I'm sorry maybe to somebody else. And he goes no just end it to you and i thought tell friends are you. Can you believe this. Like past fucking. Id anyway. So that's what sparked the conversation again. So next time when he reaches out again. You should send him a link to your episode. That i did tell him he needs to be very careful with other girls that tends to be for sure when he meets him to he likes it actually donated so you're paying it forward that's all yes hope police i hope he's receptive but at least you did your part i did do my part. Has anybody else go. Sit on you know good. That's a positive positive news right there. Yeah people always reach out about your story. I know you were like it's nothing super special. But it's so relatable so it's one of our just popular tighter yup honest conversation with them saying you know what you do. It's not adult like it's not a charger. So if you've been ghosted on ghosts will always come back. And when they do prepare a speech for them to pay it forward tell them like it is let them know that. It's not cool to do that in two. They shouldn't do it to other people that they and i think like what katy did in the sense of like you know. This is a personality trait of this person. Now in that affects like your future of how serious your view them as romantic possibility. Yep it's true all right well thanks. Katie for checking in with us. You know we'll never goes you. We've promised you have are worse for for now and forever next on the phone robert. Hey he's from season one season one episode ten. Which our finale called are you opposed to hooking up where robert at this tinder experiment he message a bunch of girls and acid. They were post hooking up and he hooked up yesterday. That was basically the end of it. And also i followed that up with a tender experiment my own which didn't have the same results but it definitely was equally as entertaining. So i know that you you some big news for us. Actually you no longer live in san francisco. I looked new york now. Okay so. I heard through the grapevine. Also i stock you know facebook. Aren't you dating someone in new york. The for so good over here actually want to spend time. And how did you meet. Her funny eventually spotted her on facebook. Shusa kissed it print and most of the time. Somebody is a friend because you know somebody in common. So i decided to strategically of reach out directly. Which would have been creepy. I talked to the in common friend to happen to be somebody. Our in elise in this person's is and how the good work for me in person at work. Were you in san francisco when this all went down. Oh and you knew she was in new york. I was going to be traveling Because at the time. I was running a company and did stuff all over the bow of the united states have been twice so i figured well you know.

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Have some fun. what year so take school. But it Things where you gotta be careful what you wish for She was so awesome. That i don't love but when you reached out to hershey knew you live in san francisco. Does she have any qualms about meeting you. At the time. He was single and service saw in the same way like others scoggins. Co- come visit in san francisco and you know go visit california. Because the most new yorkers kind of dream about california life and i think it was sort of the vice versa thing but did you moved to new york for her for the most part. I was just sort. It was sort of an interesting time. Like i've been in san francisco her about four years in california my whole life and those twenty to get out and then i got a job that allows me to work remote and they were between moving and then on top of that of the adventure actor in the job able in fact. There was love actor. So i was listening to your office. Owed the other day actually again on repeat and there was a comment we were talking about at the end about like just meaningless hookups like just random hookups. And how there's a period of your life that that's great to do because it prepares you for like the real deal. Do you think that's true now that you've found the real girl here. Yeah take us through the robert that we knew from. Are you posting a tinder experiment to the robert. We know now who moved to new york for this girl that he's in love with well. I totally agree Especially mistake age of our seasons The lineal here that lifestyle mesa choices we we really do. Want to end up Finding that person to down got a quote unquote get it out of her system and spoken with my girlfriend. Several games about this And she feel exact same way he got it out of her system. I mean even did drugs are. I never got that. There's always time. Yeah so i think. I think the bottom line is go crazy. I'm sure there's going to be exceptions off. There's been less than a religious family insurance. Maybe you'll always be the same way. But i don't know that could even worse but i think as i wanted to propel out but i think i think you've got to go through that days and all three of us know people carry close to us. You know we've been married. They're all twenty down there. Were gonna get pretty crazy. So it's a reverse and i so either way. Yeah i think you gotta go through it because once you get a taste of that and swiping it You know the tender so good at getting you honor or any of these dating sites. You know there's an ev. We under the marketing research doesn't taste that. Go with it. You know. I think you also said something about how when you're like happily with salon you can compare it because you know the emptiness that comes from like one night stands in after going there Excuse erzen that because well like you talk about about hind can contribute. You might display. And yet they're making more money. You know that other one. He suddenly not spending time. But money. on your gates So there's obvious drawbacks the voice or the other side whether working that beautiful couple embracing other having sex on tap when But on the other side it's like come home to the same person every night or attaining set. There's there's gonna be good side you just gotta like really focus on the good parts so very quickly. How do you know you're over that phase. I think it was when i really didn't enjoy waking up with the hangover and i just wasn't satisfied with But who i was hooking up with it was just i think i think it was several factors. I think it was my my health my becoming more valuable than just the act of hooking up but i also think it was a lock in brazil finding a typically speaking if you're across dating enough people Knitting enough people.

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You're gonna find a pretty good person is Is compatible hugh. Yeah so. I think the timing for that. Yeah definitely and last but not least you said that you're okay revealing your identity right so robert who are you. Yeah oh biggies. Call congrats on falling in love in the concrete jungle. We misused san francisco. But i'm sure we'll see you again. Gosh how just hearing all of our previous guests. I feel like we have this like other network of friends now that we can check in with. I mean i can't believe it's only been a year like a little over a year since we started this tunas and i feel like it's been like forever but the great thing about dating. Is that if you feel like. You're in a rut. Just know that that time passes so fast and anything could happen in the next day in the next hour totally yeah. The possibilities are endless. Situations change really quickly really quickly. Which brings us to us on updates. Getting real start with your updates. Yeah i guess basically. When we started this podcasts. I was in a relationship a man. I loved mary very deeply. But probably as you've gathered from my comments here and there are relationship. Didn't work out. So i think for me like it was definitely like real that a lot of things like despite how much love you can have someone like. Sometimes just life happens things. Just don't work out. yeah. I think the other thing. It's like it's so cliche but like timing is so essential. It's like everything else can be a place you can meet that person that you just click with so well but if like things in life don't match up played it just doesn't work out sometimes so yeah. That's kind of where that went then. Obviously through this time. I decided to take your conscious break of data like being single i think in most of my life obviously after a up like a period of heartbreak but then just like thinking about the past like years of like twenties and thirties. Like there's always been like someone in the picture even if it's not like a boyfriend like a friend with benefits or like cereal day. I'm like i just need some time to loan and figure shit out That included therapy. Actually which is ironic. Because when i first started doing that it was after dev's episode literally right at dave's move recorded dave's episode. It was first session. So i totally agree with everything he said in the sense of like i feel like i know myself so much better now. It hasn't been that long but lake. Just the work. I feel like i've done the last like you're so is like i feel like i know who i'm looking for. I don't know it's weird. Because like i had a few friends that went through this kind of period that they didn't go out as much and like they weren't eating as much of the time i was like i don't understand why they're like doing this and now i totally get it. 'cause like i just feel like there's this period so it's like a transition of like moving to a different stage of life and i feel like i've kind of been there so i don't know i mean i think like you who knows what's going to happen like my friends. I mentioned like they actually met like the people they ended up like marrying or like really being serious with kind of after this free set. I personally feel like i'm like in the best period to be in a very serious partnership more than hindsight like in the past like. Don't think i was fully there. What i thought was That's good to know so you're going through a period of truly trying to find yourself in. I hate saying that. Clinch bali then go to yoga retreat. You didn't go to lega. Silent meditation retreat. But you made a conscious decision to say. I need you to re connect with myself right. And i need to figure out where i am in my life. What i'm what am i looking for. Why this previous relationship didn't work out. But what did i learn from it. And how do i good in it to right. And how do. I take that into the next relationship. I think you know what we often see. With our girlfriends to juliet's some of our single girlfriends are like okay. It's thursday night. It's wednesday nights friday night. Let's go the bars because that's where the guys are you know. Let's go where the people are. And that's not always necessarily the case. If you're not in a place where you're ready for a relationship yet going out to the bars and going out to meet. People really does nothing for you other than just wasting your breath and your time so i really commend you for taking the time to get yourself ready just like david which i need to just remind everyone.

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That was our season for season finale. If you're going through sort of this transition or at this crossroads you have to listen to. This has episode because he took a year after his divorce to say. I need to know who i am. And what i'm looking for. Who am i looking for. Cool and then onto me. I guess i have now been with my boyfriend for a year. And this on your crazy to think about that because our podcast has been on air for a little bit over a year. But we've been together for a year. We got a dog together. That seemed like a really. I don't know a huge neccessary. Because we're both like co-parenting. I'm still pretty connected to the dating world because most of my friends are single now. I came to san francisco where most of my friends were in relationships flipped. Yeah like when we started this. You're going on the aids and like our positions flab fun. It's so funny. So i have a question for you. One of your early episodes in one doe molly volley and this was basically about how you Had this guy that was flaking out on you and you were very upset about it. Like how have things been different with your current boyfriend. Things have been so different with my current boyfriend. Because you know what. It's not a cat and mouse game anymore. I think with the other guy will was so intriguing about him was that it was a cat and mouse. It was a game and it was. It was fun while lasted. But that's only that's the reason why only lasted for a week or whatever it was and affected me so much. I think when you're with the right person and i don't mean to be like oh the right person for the rest of my life like we don't need to even think that long term but when you're with the person who suitable for you right now it's like you can just breathe. It's like day all the way. I don't need to be second guessing him or second guessing myself like deciding when you're gonna text and all that stuff yes and then wondering where. He is wondering why he hasn't texted back. I mean there's just like you just don't go through all that stress and anxiety anymore because you're with someone who is suited for you and that's how you know you just calm the fuck now. Yeah but on. Another note is so. Julian i gave. You are very updates but we also have some updates about our podcast. Yeah we've come a long way as well. We started this podcast thinking. This is not really fun. It could be really interesting. Dude i mean i i know i am biased. But this podcast helped me so much. They had this year's been instrumental for me. I think a lot of it has been the podcast to other people. And larry hearing other people are having those takeaways and also just reflecting the things. I've done that. I'm not so proud of right and and correcting my own behavior and at the same time it's like creating this community we really appreciate all of you guys who've reached out to us and come to our events and said hi to a stopped us on the street or stopped us at an event like makes our day literally makes day like literally. I go home and by dance around my apartment because someone reached out. It's so great to hear from you because one we know we're not in this alone and two great to know that you know power numbers we can make dating better. We can dig smarter. We can date better together. I think also opened my mind so much like we've had a lot of nontraditional relationship am on and like things like i didn't really know that much from just to be completely honest. Yup definitely so. Let's give some numbers. We are now at over. four hundred thousand listens. Damn alaska man thought. Catalog arrives parents. Brian and co bustle and also we are revving up for season five. I know you guys are anxious. We are two. We just started recording for season. Five and let me tell you guys. I can't wait to roll out season five and last but not least we are really into. This idea of how technology is affecting dating in terms of modern dating and online dating is going to be around for a while but the next step really may be virtual reality. Yeah like if you think about. We're online dating started with like match. Those basically like a personal ad online and now evolved to tinder where it really became just super mainstream. It's laying people used to be ashamed of day. Now it's like in every conversation we have.

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Where's it going next and like you said with virtual reality. It's like is that a good thing or is that a bad thing right. I mean now. We already complaining about hiding behind text messages. Nextstep with vr. We're going to hide behind. Vr glasses and you know or is it going to facilitate connections because now we can actually go on these virtual dates before we meet in real life. that's a lot of people are saying. Is that really helps. Streamlined and make it more efficient lemming when people complain about right. It's just how much time it takes to go on. These dates aren't even really a date. It's like a. I meet up. So if you can like simulate that in real world environment yard is that more effective or is that going to start. Replacing actual dates is gonna kill romance. I don't know but the reason why we're telling you guys this is because we came up with this idea for a panel for south by south west next year and the whole idea is what is the future of dating using virtual reality and we have a group of panelists who have opposing views. Some are pro. Vr some are anti vr. And we'll also talk about what vr dating would actually look like. We have some mockups of that. So will we need from you. Guys is a major help so to be picked by south by southwest. We need some votes thirty percent of if we get in or not is just by public votes alone. Yes and voting has started all end end of august so well we could really use your help in up voting our panel our panel idea. There's a link on our website to it. You can also search for panel picker south by south west. And you'll find the website and you can just search for the future of all engaging with vr and then also if you're listening on soundcloud we put a vote button at the bottom of the episode so you can just click that and it will go directly to the link to we would really appreciate your votes because we really want to bring this topic to south by south west and we really really want to open up this discussion of what the future of dating look super fascinating a little bit scary at the same time but again we really use your help and you know we really appreciate all the support you guys have shown us already so if you can't please vote for us. So that's it i think that's it. We're still recording for season. Five were so wanting more guests. If you wanna be a guest on our show just contact us if you want to recommend a friend or refer a friend. i show. You can do that as well you do that. Anonymously that friend that this is the killer. Still let's get some on. Let's get them on okay. I hope he goes excited for season five. But until then Vote for south by south west panel picker our guys last but not least stay. Dateable to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.