We’ll check in with some more of your favorite past guests for an update since their episode aired. We’ll hear about what’s changed in their lives including some new relationships, opening lines, and self-revelations.
Bonus Check in with Past Guests Part II
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The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
Everyone welcome to another episode of dateable. A show all about modern dating. So we're doing a check in episode where we are reaching out to some of your favorite guest to see what's new with them all right. Let's start with our first pass guest andrew from season three episode fourteen in an episode called dating fatigue. Now andrew. the last time we spoke to you. You had been in san francisco for eight years and you've been dating for all those eight years and none of them had turned into a real relationship. We talked about how you're basically just sick of dating. And i think a lot of people found that episode extremely relatable you know going from being on all these dating apps and having none of them amount to anything so where are you today. Give us some updates. Took your guys advice and just kind of kept that. It didn't didn't get to you. Know turned off the experience and it turned out that through. Okay'd cupid actually met a ridiculously cute ridiculously lovely lady and we've been dating for almost a year. How and just together in berkeley is. That is incredible. Does she know that you were on this. Podcast ashley listening interest. Currently why does just join in join in. What's her name out. what. I just heard her the back. Join high. Hi jessica jessica so nice to meet you. Is this the most awkward conversation you've ever had with strangers on the phone. I bark pretty regularly so i'm sure andrew's told you about kind of the state he was in before he met you. And i don't know of you listen to this episode carefully or not. But he was very much like about to give up on dating and julian at that point. We're actually trying to set him up with someone and someone actually wrote in. You have raw like actually in a very happy relationship right now so unfortunately i have to say no. So i know you mention eka. So jessica i want to hear from your side when you met andrew. What was it that attracted you to him. Very confident and i tend to like guys who are pretty sure themselves. And and what they're doing with their lives And he had a passion for something and he was pursuing it. And i think that was the main thing and you'll just really put me at ease. I was really nervous when we went out for the first time and he even noticed and called it out and said i didn't need be nervous and sort of. Here's why it helps. Did you get any sense of the dating fatigue that we're talking about. I mean i think not the first date but you know a little bit in a. We've both been dating people online. Meeting people might on and off so we definitely talked about it. Yeah and now you guys have been together for a year. You're moving in together. This is this is a huge step for both of you. What was it like. Give me a number on date number. Whatever that's when you knew that this would be for the long term. I made him a little more cautious. But i do. I love you. I think i wonder we start talking about. It was pretty early though we started talking about. I mean we we did. We did early on but probably not sell a couple of months in. Actually you know. It wasn't weirdly. Get serious about of actually moving in together. It's like a month and a half ago. Everything clicked yeah. If someone is in this state of being fatigued by dating what is some advice you give them. How can they get to a point where you guys are at right now. You going at it until you find the right person the right situation so you feel you're in the right situation. Don't give up ever surrender. Never give up. never true. But i'll and i guess for me i would say don't do it if it's not fun.
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Which is a little bit different. They won't andrew saying. I definitely have lots of friends. Aiding online right now and i feel really happy for them when i hear them saying you know i've thought a lot about dates and i'm done dating fatigued and i'm just gonna take a break and i feel really good for them about that because they think it's not that you can't meet somebody while dating clearly by if you're not having fun while you're doing it you know it should be fun. It's a chore. You shouldn't do not sell as a woman. At least. That's what i'm hearing. Yeah shouldn't feel like a job. yeah. Well i'm we're super happy for you guys. Happy this is amazing. Going from emi. You did a complete one. Eighty andrew like you caught me. And i guess a period where i was definitely happy to told my dating fatigue story. Oh but it it was. I don't know kismet feet. Whatever you wanna call it it just kinda work. I think it's a good lesson that things can change real fast real fast all about timing too. Okay cool well. We'll leave you guys to bicker about furniture. Because i know that's what happens when you move in together from pretty easy your next. We have a mall who is from season. Four episode three called dating a muslim woman. And i'm guessing you're still dating as a muslim woman. Not much has changed so the last time we spoke on that episode. You had a few years in new york and you came back to the bay area where you're from and you're saying that it was a little different dating here than what you remembered or at least different from new york. Has anything changed since that episode Yeah i mean a lot has changed. I actually i stopped. Gain more frequently abused a kind of pulled back from the apps a lot of and i actually met somebody on one of the apps. I've been seeing him for like three months. Folks really slow which is nice. Three months and see what ethnicity is the. Oh young twist twist a little bit different than what you're used to before it's nice to have to explain things especially with hectic -ness of the world right now so working for me right. Does he know that. This is not the usual view. 'tatoes that we've talked about that and i mean to be fair. I dated muslim guys. I was younger. It was more you know as guys a college. I i went a different route but like i said it's kind of nice to get back here and not have to explain things who last time we spoke i would say the political landscape was little more heated than it is now as settled. Just a little bit. Do you still find yourself getting in two very involved conversations with people on these dating apps the political landscape has gown for most people but not from a thumbs just the other day. There was an explosion at a mosque in minnesota. Though these kind of things haven't slowed down for us and you know kind of taking it back to my my current dating situation. It is kind of nice to be able to be comforted by. Somebody can understand the state. You're gonna feel what. I feel when we hear these stories when we see you got thank so it hasn't necessarily guy down for us. It's sorta beyond empathy because someone could have empathy for what you're going through but this is like on a way deeper level because it's not your family until something happens to you. It's you can be very supportive in nice to someone until you've experienced something. It's hard to like really be able to go there yet. I have plenty of friends. Who are at pathetic and supportive and well you know very well and genuinely care but at the same time there's a different level of understanding that's awesome that you found someone that you can connect with so definitely surprised.
00:10:01 - 00:15:03
Good luck with all of that. I mean three months is pretty substantial. Even though you're taking a slow it's still pretty substantial slow and steady and mantra next on the phone. We have in all my goodness lost in translation. Season two episode two. You're dating this girl. You took her italy. Your friends leading. He got in the pool. That's remember anyway. She got drunk. She got in the pool. Workout things in working out and upset. But it also cut your your vacation short. Because she left earlier. There was a lot of communication issues a lot of miscommunication but also a lot of opportunity for growth. That so what's been happening since the italy pool girl that podcast potential date sometime song. Why must smart. You know. Assess to me has changed. I've been here a long time. The fourteen years now and i'll be honest. Set time you know i. I dated a of people but no-one long-term or enough to say like it was a real deal. You know and i feel like i to get to a point where more deeper sections of is so easy. I eight in the city like really plus a bug meltzer state five minutes but actually creating a relationship to big long terms of the last of yasser saluted me i was. I was dating a girl back in the wintertime. She was fantastic ship so the great from also the age where apprentice side with her want to have another child or not and and she did end up that potential. But you know we just wanted to stay saying now. I'm kinda like the kid out. No i just take my last shot. Support shepherds feels that tastic but the congrats goes like a of progress at love. My daughter who's not going off to college but i have emptiness forty. Wow yeah remember on your episode. One of the things that we talked about the most was communication. How do you think he asks changed in your dating. Since the episode. They want to be extended out. I worked in last year's author. Mutation think consequence lucious talked about making not only. Would i feel with clear and kind of saying not just mentally listening to others. It's really hard to hear someone's feedback about you and not wanna react Right just like wait. But and so i've done a really hopefully the job kind of listening more. We'll say you know my family and federally ships had approved on my work shifts approved ton incited forty earlier this year. And i you know. I was digging ups and also they got ta vaccinated forty all who are filtering out under forty s interests are my friends. Having imagination adelaide. Four five matches. What is doing when the expense later. And that the today i deleted on my giddiness every single why i just felt like the became less about meeting people and more about las vegas slots nameless pavlovian response like. Oh it's imagine then you try message. The last been off of all been selena. Meeting people at weddings which defend tacit. But i think you know someone's already dead at you so they said you're cool enough. Sometimes you know you're either. I perform some in the wedding in. Someone's already you know. And because i think it's a wedding or maybe more open hearted i feel like people are looking to date but not looking to have romance. I don't know i. I need to be missed it but it really has felt like i need people. They're like just to see what's happening where we ten years ago. I was not backtrack for a sec. You said people are looking to date but maybe not looking for romance. What does that mean. I think we've optimized our instagram face. Spokes you know. Snapchat lies the most about the likes the most short term eight.
00:15:04 - 00:20:00
i'm just as guilty of ethnic but he also doesn't like e socially liked for stuff as she drew agenda that of backing february culture with us. People want people. Were like you know totally amaze that so you can have this real person event. There was no apps there was still like stick to show up. Dress will have fun. I feel a lot of things right. Now are optimized light week connections especially apps so i think that whole romance thing like let's have a deeper connection and with united totally deleted all my apps to completely one hundred percent agree on all that i tried to take a real threat where he's authentic but just a real presence approach to i want to be. Let's win on dates by those with me. If i had to get it out. I'll say like i have to check the list. Is i should say that the us i want a tree is feeling all sort jewish technology. I don't think technologies what fixes electrics as saying. Hey you want to connect. So i don't mean to get personal but i'm going to get personal is you were sort of seeing my friend for a little bit at least wooing her for a little bit. What came out of that. Because i haven't checked in with her yet. I'm going to check in with you. I you know we actually met at a landmark form of landmarks. We're quite familiar because we had a guest on. We repeat it though for anyone that yeah. It's a personal development. During fashion interested at first. But i went to one i was a guest. Someone ashley spoke in public. I talked about the really hersal special. But my my daughter and my relation earth and you're having media audience that was our first international labor so her first Needs me pouring my heart out if we didn't really interact with you. Then we were planning the stupid event. And she actually rejects me. Said hey i have some guys that one attend this event taking there. We actually started talking the got the point. We're talking on the phone every night. Almost an hour I know that this was one of the times regulate the thing i did wrong with there was the boundaries over crosses I didn't speak up for myself and as a in place where obviously we a strong man. It's a little things that we are shocked by. She was turned on by strongman at the guy. I'm strongman also wanna bubble amid that can speak stealing this weird middle place like straw with some vulnerable. You call bath wait. What's going on here. So i was. I would bring this full circle and say because i've heard sort of her side of the story but basically i know that through your time with her. You were romantic. And from her point of view she was like. I don't know how to receive these gestures and i thought that to be really interesting. It's like you could meet someone really great but if you're not ready to receive them in your life then it doesn't really matter know. Let's be honest. i think this is. He has come up recently. Me i think the hatchery was never an and other things that might have been way mash in. But i don't think it was. My attraction comes from so many sources. It's not just physically attracted to you. I really think she's just not ready to receive you. And that goes hand in hand with the traction. We can talk about this for hours. I mean we'll take this offline. But i'm glad that we have this conversation. I'm glad you checked in with us. Good for you for deleting the apps but you know it should be like. I'm deleting absent. I'm going to a life is going to change or like i'm looking for some huge change. Nothing is really going to change that much. But it's about your mindset of starting fresh starting anew and taking a different approach me it's really about like me ragged. There's a zillion vacations you know. I'm very active on social media. So i don't need more things to me believe apps as more about let me clear my head of equal. I wanna be. Yeah and and look if someone comes into my life. Who's ready to accept what you said. Which i think is very true. That's great but right now the focus on like my health and like my career. I think we're losing pressure for my prospects. Totally yup always. What are we had our own little landmark moment there off all right linda.
00:20:00 - 00:25:01
Are you there. Linda josh. We haven't spoken to you in so long. You're from seasons. Three episodes said than in an episode called the dating experiment. And i remember this. You came to us with like an excel spreadsheet of all the messages that you sent to people the match rate all that. What has happened since then. Well i mean mainly. I did that just kind of truck what was going on so i could understand my habits a little better and I think that. I mean in terms of just dating it. Religious made me that you just have ted message people more regardless and that people are just not really talking on the dating apps that much so it kind of gives you the confidence to be like. Okay well let's just not everybody and what sticks deck. What's your situation now linda. Are you dating you in a relationship. What dating not in a relationship I haven't kind of took a break from using all the ops. For a long time. I was in our relationship and mike kind of ended. So you know it's interesting you definitely as it flows in terms of like how intense you wanna get with Trying to go messing route and versus just trying to let your life. Have you come to any conclusions as to like one. Messages are really effective. Yeah i think that anything is open. Ended question is super effective. Especially if it's a little bit random if you're kind of like dodge match messaging people otherwise like something that would be very targeted based on the profile that you're looking at often. I feel like that just doesn't necessarily get response in general sometimes it does kind of like fifty fifty but usually it's open ended response. You can pupil will just kind of take it or and run with it and you can really see their personality right away Which i think is is there. An open ended question that you use recently well recently. I stole eight message from them. It's it was. I was really any the responses. So new the dozen no i. What can you repeat it for anyone. That doesn't know whether it is sure. Let me it's It's like hey zone so going to whole foods want me. Pick anything up. So people responded. I got a kick out of it just for my own enjoyment even if they were like wow i totally was on the receiving end of a know the joke 'cause i had see that episode and i was like a clock guys tax debut that i'm like the fuck is whole foods even open. Actually i do need a rotisserie chicken down. What are some of the responses. you've gotten. Oh my favorite one was like what dad. Oh okay that's good. They're in on it but yeah there's been a variety of responses like one. That was pretty funny with a quarter pound of turkish apricots and align mineral water. So one person was like beers and condoms. Please another guy like her. Seen the show with like how the masters of nine bucks that on. Dvd have you gone to any of that hadn't seen the show one guy with like Ll that's basically julie. One person was like the one on ocean or over protrero ow. Actually this is like a pretty a pretty good Message actually one. Where i like totally dropped the ball. Was somebody responded. Would you rather pay a horse size dot or a hundred bucks sites were in and i didn't realize that that was the line from the first stephen no idea whether neither so he was you align back from your line exactly smart. Are you doing any sort of offline too. I don't know if other people felt this. But like if you go out to the bars or go out in general entrust to strike up conversations with people that you don't know it. It doesn't necessarily lead to.
00:25:02 - 00:30:00
I'm going to ask you on a rate here now sort of situation which is unfortunate. I feel like ten of us to happen more organically back in the day but yeah but you know what will be an interesting experiment for you. Linda is if you took all your messages online. And i dare you to go to guy at a bar. It'd be like hey. I'm going to whole foods. Just do it out situation than like other random but yeah good point you be meringue it and then like actually go whole foods. Like really expensive herb. If you come up with any more fun openers let us know. Yeah we want to. We want to share them on the show. It sounds good cool. Aren't having one time at whole foods. Aaron is on the phone now. We're checking with aaron from season. Four episode for in an episode called levels of dt are defined the relationship for those of you newbies and in this episode. You talked about how you met. The sky through facebook's suggested friends list and reached out to him and you guys are dating. You guys are like we're in an open relationship and there were times that baby he was like making out with other people in front of you or you are doing the same and what has been happening. Are you so with them. No sword. we're not. We actually transitioned that into Into a really good friendship you know. She has a boyfriend so that's good. You know it's funny. I've had a lot of friends talking about that particular episode and we've had a lot of discussions about it so people remember that right after that That conversation i was going to go travel for a couple of weeks in australia. New zealand so I came back after that. Travelling in serve read you know key to add a discussion with him and talk about things and we kept going along for awhile but what the big tinkle wave into. It happening was that i realized Level we talked about You know. I think that my previous relationships were less open. And so this or not open at all in fact and so this guy sort of was a breath affect your me and what. I didn't fully appreciate than that. I am much more aware of now is how it's so not a binary i think. A lot of people think An open relationship or a close relationship and incite this black or white thing who ended up happening with me and this guy was it became very clear to me that his level of openness was a lot more than i was comfortable with student. Yeah and so. I was what he sort of had to step away from that which was surprising. Given what my stance was you guys last. And i was really you know. Showering openness with With a lot of praise. And i still do my. I've had haven't changed on the only thing that's really changed. What is that when it comes down to levels of openness or levels of business relationship. I think that there are levels of compatibility that both people have to be on the same page about About what is what. You're willing to go through together and without getting too details. Pita the guy just you we miss alive live in terms of how much openness we wanted. You know i think for me. I really wanted to pursue something. Where i was more of a primary relationship Where we would sort of focus a lot sexual energy and time on each other And it turns out in the end that he was much more into diverse. Find that Having more sexual partners than than i did. I was having and so. That's totally fine. Until the i'm not trying to set you know sexually in any way more peace sex negative. It just didn't align with sort of what i wanted. And and certainly what i wanted out of relationship you're episodes levels of our. We do a follow up episode called levels of open relationships right. Because that's what it sounds like so when you were discovering that you were a little bit uncomfortable with the level openness. He was going going with. How did that make you feel like. How did you know that you weren't okay with it.
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The question Because it wasn't a feeling of jealousy as one might expect. I think it was. You know truthfully probably so my own issues with things that i need to grapple. I mean there's just a there's first of all there's a lot more diversity in what you can do. Sex wise at indicate community that is more mainstream whereas i think a lot of heterosexual people sort of surprised at all the flavors the rainbow that we were just you know for me i. I wouldn't say that i'm super vanilla. I also say that. I would say because i'm to trial a lot of things but i also would say not particularly kinky someone who's very very very kinky and You know into doing a lot of different things and some of the things. We're just turn on for me. And i think ultimately when it was is that was that temp someone who wanted to do those things. Was it with these kind of a turn off for me. A sort of know. Let sounds like he found a match that was on the same wavelength. So that's aboard jaycees. Here i guess my question is now you going forward. Let's turn it back to you. How would you prevent this from happening again. Well i mean. I don't know that there's really a way of preventing it amid the reality. Is that you sort. You learn more things about people as you go. You know when you're exploring a relationship you like walking into a dark room and all the flashlight and you're trying to look around and see us you. Can't it over time. You start to put a picture together and over time. That's what i discovered what i saw it. I was somewhat. Here's someone who's opened your someone who doesn't get jealous. You're someone who is different from other guys. They've dated and they seem very you know sexually liberated and sexually free in in a similar way that i am but it turned out that indeed there's also a spectrum in which i fall and if you're not you know pretty close or similar in some way or or maybe more accommodating maybe that's problem maybe super accommodating you know there's also the risk i think you to that it when you're having a lot of sexual partners particularly unprotected sexual partners as a lot of risk of constantly having to worry about a cd johnson sei's and stuff like that and you know there's a part of me that one like to believe that in a relationship for moving towards relationship. There's not a huge risk for that rome or if there is like you know you're you're trying to mitigate against his to you're not infecting your partner or you know passing along because it's just not good. It's just a huge hassle. Then you can't act in the year in jail for however long it takes her to go away zoom on. Maybe i think there are ways to prevent this or not to prevent the completely but to avoid some of the issues such as you know establishing that were in an open relationship. But i'm your primary which means that i we should be having more sex than you having sex with other people right and then also when you have sex with other people it should be protected. Those are just some the guidelines. I think i would have those very good ones. I think right now in need especially in especially in san francisco. There's sort of this renaissance of not using protection and the liberation that it of symbolizes real right because after the so obviously the aids crisis happened and is still happening to a lesser degree. But no one is related. Deaths started falling off in the mid nineties and now we have really good. Hiv medications both for people who have hiv and can take a once once daily pill in a solar death sentence indicate bring them to a level of undetectable which is what that's called meeting if you are heavy positive. You're properly taking your medication. You can have unprotected. Sex with someone that is does not have hiv and not. Pass it on because Or the risk of having it on essentially less than if you were using a condom. It's very very low. Risk combined with the fact that now we have crap Travolta which enabled was daily pill for people who are he chevy negative and prevents you from one hundred percent effective from getting. It should be so all of that all of which is to say that because the gay community had for so long penn told that if you don't use condoms you'll die of aids and that has impacted the way that game then have gauged entity impacted gay relationships and socialization and the way that Came in have you sex for the past couple of decades fact that things i true vodka and these now have liberated a whole generation of men in their twenties in dirty On all game really of to have you know req- sex you know.
00:35:17 - 00:40:07
Have have unprotected sex spanish because again killing in the in the community that i've seen cisco using condom is is not discouraged but not exactly encouraged either and so. There's certainly no expectation that that would be the case so for a lot of game get if a partner was to ask them to use a condom or so forth a sexual partner or more imaginative estimate. He's kind of some you know. This percentage of game anyway that that's a burden. I'm not saying that that's the case for this guy. Had that conversation hasn't added complexity of sort of putting people back into a closet or something that they feel liberated from So it's out then. Another complicated dr steve. Do you find that you're thinking about this war because of this experience was always talking talking about it a lot. More people talking about the ways in which people have open relationship because i have said then discovered that there are a lot of people who have this sort of experience where they're in a relationship and their levels of openness joan jive partners like you know i want to you know i'm open to having with you and the other partners like no i also wanna have sex without you and that's a deal breaker or what i need. There's just like all these other different factors combined with the fact that you may have the age old issue which is different varying levels of sex drive in that plays into that as well if one partner has has the lower sex drive. How you reconcile that with with openness as well. Also we've been talking about std's for a long time off line really because we've had a lot of listeners. Right in and say. I really want you guys to do an episode on. Sev's so guess what we are. We have an ssd expert coming in to talk about that. Because there is a stigma attached to it but then there's also the health effects of it. You're more about that as there's a lot of big resources here in the city they all the listeners to get tested and talk to straight men and they're like have never been tested on night one of the things that i've previn travolta these medications. Are they force you. You know the conditions force you to get tested goupil month so this is something where i regularly get tested every month or two and the way that a lot of people don't and so. I'm thankful for that because it gives me more of a reason to go tested in the more aware of my own health. I wish we would empower people to get tested regularly just like when we vote. We get like. I voted sticker. We should get. I got tested stickers for get tested because men can carry knowing it and women are much more vulnerable to not only just themselves it also the after effects. Yes definitely read to find out though. I think there is like yeah of being scared to know. What's on the other side. But i am saying that. I've had a few myself under my belt so to speak. And there's nothing that's about it earlier than absolutely but i i you for being scared of the results. I think a lot of people are just lazy. They don't want to get it done. Have more of an annual checkup that this habitat so men. I don't know if you know. Obviously i don't know the ins and outs of men's physicals but like i'm assuming it's not as yeah rated. Here's here's how it works you in a cup if your game and you will take a swab of your throat and your rectum and you put them in little vials and you get it back then. Obviously if you're not engaging the world know sex thing you don't need to do the the or or rectify world you're giving women or sex or what have you anyway. The point is is that video your sex acts. Are you saw those areas and if you have a penis peanut cop and that'll usually tell you must do things if you wanna get tested. I if list you have to get your blood drawn. Hiv is usually You know of a blood draw or they can do no of your mouse sir thing. Nothing too scary because you have an at the most common ones. Are you get a shot. You know of something and you can't have sex for a week. Which is better than letting it linger in having antibiotics for a week depending on which one it is.
00:40:07 - 00:43:11
This is very informative. Very informative shots us. Well i did not realize we're gonna have a conversation about but i'm all for going much deeper soon season in five a totally different subject. Absolutely quincy since since that. Since that conversation that podcasts have been last time i met this wonderful british man. Ooh randomly out very a very tall glass of milk. He met randomly had a whirlwind love affair while he was here working in the city. He lives in the uk. And we've communicated every single day sense. Wow you will. When i when i go to sleep at night. I try and steph until eleven o'clock midnight so they can text soon east waking up seventy eight in the morning and then he does the same thing for me before he goes to sleep in the afternoon. Our time And i have a trip scheduled to go see him in two months these years. Oh sounds dream e also. Maybe we'll have him on a future episode across the pond. So we really wanna say a huge. Thank you to everyone who helped us on voting and commenting on our south by south west panel so just as a refresher we've applied to create a panel for south by southwest next seager on the topic of the future volleying dating with virtual reality. We've assembled an incredible group of people who have very opposing views on whether virtual reality is going to help us or hinder when it comes to finding love so to make this panel reality we have to go through several steps and the first step is an online public vote accounts for thirty percent of the final decision. And we really appreciate everyone who's helped us vote and also comment on the page. If you haven't so yet please help us up. Vote our panel discussion. Because we feel that this intersection of technology and dating should really be discussed in an open format. The future of dating is going to involve more and more technology whether we like it or not so extremely important for us to have an open discussion and a candidates gushin about boop sides of the story and how we can proceed with caution again. The goal for podcast is to help each other. Be better and smarter daters and also just be better human beings to each other so we felt that this topic would be really fitting with what we've already discussed on our podcast and stay tuned until next week for the third installment of this series. We have a few more guests that we need to give you some updates on to connect with us visit dateable. Podcasts dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.