Tune in as we chat with Ryan live at his bar, Mad River, in the Upper East Side of New York City. We discuss what bartenders observe on your dates, ideas for cheap dates outside of a bar, and why a good hookup can be just what the bartender ordered.
Sponsored by Betterhelp for 10% off your first month of online therapy with the code: DATEABLE
Sponsored by Sunbasket for $35 off your order with the code: DATEABLE
BONUS: Confessions Of A Bartender live from Mad River in NYC
00:00:00 - 00:05:02
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. We are back tonight with another live streaming show on voelkel. We had very rowdy show last week and gave away a very unique cries. You would have to watch the playback in order to see what it was but tonight will be equally as exciting because we will be talking about. What makes you dateable All you have to do is download the vocal APP that spelled G. E. T. V. O. K. L.. It's it's completely free search for the dateable podcast and when we're live you can just click joined broadcast. You can either watch a show or Mike is a guest. It's super interactive and a a great way to open up a candid conversation so join tonight at eight. PM Pacific Time on get vocal or join. Our instagram live or facebook. Live and don't worry if you missed. Tonight's tonight's show though we have two more shows coming up in the next two Wednesdays and you can always watch our show on playback on get vocal. Hey everyone welcome to another bonus episode of the dateable podcast. Don't you love it like you're getting something for free. Yeah getting like some free thirty super for free. Aaron says Clearance Three. This is episode was taped at a a bar on the upper east side in New York when Julian I went there for an event at the bar invited by circle in the wing to do minivan about intergenerational learnings networking part of our trip. We decided to visit my favorite bar from my early twenty called Mad River face the the door like go. I've been banned. I'm GONNA say alright. Blew my cover so while while we were at Nat River we met the manager there Ryan. WHO's like girls? I have a ton of good stories. You learnings for you being bartender. Bartender indices everything. Here's everything and also they're just so good at analyzing what's going on like they can. They can detect. What's going on on a date before the people on the date and it could even bartenders or therapists and sakes like everything right? So we we said so. We were like Ryan much. Get you on an episode. Let's take this and let's just do it at the bars so we did that and we may be had a drinker to. I'm so happy we did this. Because we've been actually talking talking about this forever like we tell you about doing over her dates because like what we just said they hear everything I think also would. He pointed out to which was super interesting. It's like how people treat. The bartender says so much about them. So there's like different signs or dislike Interacting with other people at the par like all of that. The key observes as a bartender manager but also people on dates. That can be stuff. You start to observe about your date so innate make you look at bartenders a little differently. Yeah they really like you also might hook you up to date were drink. Yeah dates the bomb go home with so many opportunities to do bartender though is probably uber driver. Back from the people in the car. I'm a bathroom date I want to be part of that was happening. You know what I'm sitting on okay. Let's talk with a focus and talk about out this episode here. We Are Bartender Ryan. Everyone welcome to another sustainable. And no you're not hearing things because we are actually add a place. That's not why it's we're at a very lively bar here on the upper east side in New York City Mad River one of my all time favorites when I lived in New York. We're frequented this place so much. Everyone say after a dance ends plas. It was ridiculous we knew everyone. We knew the menu inside Al.. We are with the manager of Mad River Ryan who is New Right one one month old movie. The hot messes. Oh Oh my goodness remember what those stories were the so. Let's just raise all those memories for now but but I will give a little background Orion. He's thirty four years old born and raised on the upper east side New York City which is a very rare thing you earn Unicorn and happily single single happily single relationship.
00:05:03 - 00:10:01
What does that mean? It wasn't an eight year long relationships. Yeah you're like fuck that had enough south more votes so I more living to do. I DIDN'T WANNA you'll hell down anymore and now I'm so happy honestly. When did you guys break? How about a year and a half ago been on a tear since you know? Yeah Glad Ah having all these opportunities you got any night of the week you never have to see the same people again for the most part exactly except when you work in a bar and then they the arena whenever they want new development so tell us about some of the observations. You've had here at Mad River from the observations uh-huh seeming. You've seen a lot of dates or just drunk China yet. I've only been here a month but I have seen some like. There's there's a there's another bartender who works here and a couple nights ago he comes in he brings some girl in on the first day in an elevator really drunk one night and they decided to go out and she's she's just another shot of vodka another shot of Ogden. I could see her anywhere is going and you can literally watch people go from being a little nervous in the beginning to loosening up up to this groping each other at the bar a matter our walk on a date that's gross and he works does work here so there is. There's a little bit of a rub my back. I'LL RUB yours type of thing in the back multiple aerobics going before and I have done that. Progression of like like starting off here the dig up like here. I always weather now. The answer's Yes judge. I guess not the judge you can assess how day will go based on what they order. Yes by by the amount that they're drinking by the regularity with which they're getting being more drinks and whatnot. How how well? She's laughing her body into nations which is sitting more facing him or their hands kind of overlapping the electrodes out of nuance going on some signals. Of course that's not gonNA go. Well she's kind of slouch back a little bit. Ah I see her kind of checking her phone thing she should. Maybe she's seeing what else is going on. It's what I'm tending to think. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she's trying to show him some silly cad video on Youtube. You're probably right. She might be a little bit word or losing focus. She's like ordering hiring bar. We see the girl able to drink more than the GOCH which which is a new one for me the result of something like that guy. Ah He'll go from being a little quiet to them being too loose lipped so maybe start divulging things. He shouldn't divulge. You're not doing himself any favors by ricky wander loosen up to loose overheard a conversation. That was either like awkward. ORCA like amazing everyday. Internal question asked do you do you. What other people do that? You could overhear their conversation. The case by case basis I will say something because sometimes I think of myself as a help. I want to help facilitate this for the guy. Yeah and again. I am an advocate of. I want people to be happy and I want them to be together. What are some signs of a couple that okay? So we've talked the signs of a day. That's not going to go well. What about some signs of a date by you? Think there's potential for second what to be true love. Yeah Yeah you're seeing this true. Love this this Unicorn. Oh Lord Mad River the physical attach like some of the stuff you mentioned earlier when a date is going well versus like you're like a mile apart aren't you know. Have you ever seen a summit on it. Like two people in a date. Where one person's drinking a lot a lot more than the other one because usually I try to pace myself sometimes what I'll see instead of that is that one person will come to the already a wreck or like a couple of drinks? Notice that ereck. Because they'll tell the scene scene stories multiple times and we'll ask the same questions over and over again and it's like I know more about your date than you know about the your date by the end and sometimes I wonder like swooping and they'd be like let's say something that would be overstepping my bounds. It says the bartender manager.
00:10:01 - 00:15:02
I JUST WANNA. Sometimes I think they do want to rely on you having circumstance where someone was hitting on you in the middle of their date or you took someone home. who was on a date? I have gotten a phone number on somebody else's on a date I said to them. Oh how are you doing an event. You might want to advance here if you give me your number I'll send you info because there's this whole upstairs room at have parties and different the types of things and so that was the guys of which I got her phone number or she said she did. One other girl said that she did public relations. And I'd say Oh maybe we could do some kind the trade off with public relations for drinks at the bar there like they were business though or do you think they have the underlying message. I want to flirt inch underlying message a little bit on hand on my shoulder at one point there was some Keno escalation going on and that was an indicator to me that maybe that that was hoping that you. That's a good way to get a number while you're off the guy's not gonna be like don't give it to him for business right. Have you ever had someone else who in on a date. Let's take a quick break because I have a feeling you may wanNA glass of wine my psychic or what. There's nothing nothing like winding down with a glass of wine by listening to your favorite podcasts. And now with I leave. You can save money on award-winning wine. That you're guaranteed to love breath. How I leave your feedback and ratings to curate wine selections personalized to your unique taste? I received my first shipment of six bottles after taking the wine quiz. I gotta say they were pretty spot on but the most fun part is drinking each bottle and then rating them align. Now I leave knows even more or about my wine preferences in case you were wondering no I did not drink all six bottles in one sitting. I'm not an animal. WanNa give firstly for try you can take advantage of an exclusive of introductory offer twenty nine ninety five for six bottles plus free shipping. Just go to try I leaf. That's L E AF DOT COM Slash dateable that's six bottles of wine for only twenty nine ninety five plus free shipping at try I leaf dot com slash dat AB L. Leap. Now back to this episode. See someone else in takes the longest confidence so snooping on somebody else middays. It'd be pretty insulting. No I don't think I've seen it directly in front of my face quite like that so I went on a date and the bartender under was like are you on a date. When he went to the author of I could tell and I was like asking what was obvious about it? And you just basically dislike sensing. Our our conversation wasn't super flowing. We knew each other well and he made a comment that there was one time that girl guy wearing the T. cents at once going. Well he went to the bathroom and she was on with us. Trade that yeah. I don't know what was happening to you. You know it's not like anybody has possession of each other. We're giving the guy lots of water and credit encourage a quick bathroom break for whereas like gone up to people I think. Are you guys on a daily call to tell you I went to a bar with my brother's girlfriend sprains. Last week I was with them. Another girl asking. Are you with those girls. I said no not with those girls and then she's just Sukhdev. She swooped it on me. She started asking inappropriate questions like she was really drunk. It good or Mike. Hey what's your name again like. What is going on here? Feel hopeful so this could be by night like maybe I did something good in pass lifetime. It's going to result and like all good things happening for me. And then she tells me that a guy named guys a chance talking to some guy on tinder as the guy on tinder told her to have sex sex with other dude in public chills like sleep with the public like like to pursue other dudes like so she can tell some other guy about it and I was like what the reputation that New Yorkers Award directs valid by New York. Work is a goldmine for aggressive women and they want to come here and Dave because San Francisco. I guess it's not the same way. Women are a little bit more shy or reserved. You think I I served.
00:15:02 - 00:20:03
Do you think women are more aggressive in New York because of the number because of the ratio there's just more women than men here so they got in yellow by your yeah. It'd be a little bit more additive. I don't know I think relief workers though in general I make our streets shooters. Yeah Yeah West. Coast is all like Lovey dovey like five. It's like New York. It's more to the point. It's more like hey do you want to eat was going to be like doc deal on again at what has been the most surprising thing about being a manager here at a bar in the month that you've been here just just late night against getting single just in general. I never really go to bars by myself about your dating life. This combat like it's awesome to be single. Yes I like to make other people. What makes me feel good is making other people feel good and so seeing that response from other people trying to help you learn how to use their bodies better? I find it reward. How women how to use their bodies that are what does that mean? Many many women are not fully sexualize way. Let's let's deeper like they're not being sexual. Aw more like her. Get the maximum amount of pleasure from themselves and they're probably not used to use the most guys also not being able to pull that out of them. Like full body. Orgasm style made you come to this conclusion of what's including fully sexualizing. Finding women are just from sleeping with many women is. When you're there response afterwards feedback your logical cool responses says your number gone up instrumentally the last year? Yes in the last year and a half absolutely playing numbers but like ten From where I was before that'd be like forty X. No I mean you thirty thirty so I don't think about an ex as many as I'll maybe doubling doubled by no actually the less than doubling by numbers probably already had good numbers benignly could numbers in terms of treat. Everyone I WANNA make sure I'm very upfront with women beforehand on there for a good time not necessarily a long time for a less normalcy for the more you tell a woman that you're not interested in a relationship insurance. It's more like she wants to be relationship when she gets an idea that she could change you. See How do you find that always. And so sometimes they're ignoring the red flags. What are your red plaques for yourself like probably if I if a girl was dating to you what would be the red flags they should be looking for? What would be the red flags in me? Why just got really met a really fat to start the thing you say? You don't want to be here for a long time. Hi this is if you're yes Sometimes I'll tell women that I really liked to find a bisexual woman. I think it'd be nice. Maybe one that would be open to like being with other women but that one would want to want to be with other women's because then some afraid that I'm going to get board of a woman but if she'd be open to bring other women in cages brings other people into the relationship other women enjoy it with their like not independently. Bring other women and I think I could see myself with a person like that long term but I don't know if I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. What are you looking for Ryan? I'm look I'm fearful of becoming board a pleasure seeker. I'm like somebody who likes to eat like a whole stack of pancakes every single day. And I want to feel closed off are caged in or keeping the product of being on an eight year relationship. I might just be me somebody who always lives life excessively. GPL born in the relationship. It's a little bit. Yes I even though I love the person I love the compassion. I love the communication and the understanding of self awareness that I can learn about myself through the dating. I still felt like there was more for me out there. So do you want to settle with one person or are you unsure. Yeah what's your ultimate goal. We'll find a bisexual woman out. There's a ton of really bisexual and they. I WanNa be with other women. I'm afraid that once we get further in if they're gonNA change their thought process and they're gonNA shift. We're seeing a trend. That tons of women are leaving to be with other women. Yeah but that's not what you want either.
00:20:04 - 00:25:01
Your leg reminds actually now looking to leave you all together. It's going to be. It just sounds like I believe in what I bring to the table. So I'm not self conscious you bring to the table impeccable technique impact avenue the representing right now so I have to be careful what I say. But impeccable in terms of what you've gotten feedback. Yes many women my main describing that. They didn't even know things that they could that happen to them but they didn't even know they basically. You're like you're going to say like other women. They're not leaving here. It's pretty much like heroin. According to them but like men I don't want to hurt women either and so how do you not hurt women Dan when you're giving them something that they can't get anywhere else. Because I know women could go. You guys were great. You guys can go out to the bar. You can have sex with anybody any night of the week for the most part. Yes we'd go get action but I'm trying to bring something that you wouldn't be able to get. which is you know it's almost like you can emotionally connect with somebody also that you bring that up because what you're saying is you're not one for someone serious for a long term relationship? These women may be looking for that. You're able to offer something different. Sure sure very honest about that. I'm calling radical honesty smart onto even when you are radically on on as you feel like there is still this underlining hope that these women have follow a changing you somehow. So then. You're you're worried about hurting people. Yes I'm definitely worried because even as much as honest as I could possibly be there still feelings involve sexual. Energy is the most powerful energy that anybody uh you ever caught feelings like one of these people. Let's take a pause and appreciate the fact that Spring is about to spring up soon before for winter melts away. This is the perfect time to get ahead of the curve and stock up on the latest spring collection from Motte cloth just a quick scroll through the website. You'll experience Anne I gather them mm-hmm Pastel pinks seafoam green and lilacs. I recently just ordered the adorable around the edges colored top and lavender as the name suggests this top is absolutely lutely adorable and so perfect for work and play and mild cloth. They believe fashions to celebrate all women with sizes ranging from double zero to twenty-eight eight their team of stylists can also hook you up with complementary sizing and styling health for dateable listeners. Only get fifteen percent off your purchase of one hundred dollars or more just go to mob cloth dot com and enter the code dateable at checkout again. Just go to M. O. D. C. L. O.. T. H. Dot Com and enter the code de the at L. E. Four fifteen percent off your purchase of one hundred dollars or more now back to the show never caught feelings like because one of these people you know there was. I'm usually maybe because I don't want to be heard. I tend to back away faster than than they could. But when you're there was one girl about a couple months ago I thought maybe I would have feelings for. I could have feelings for red flags about her. That she was a touch selfish and she she said to me that she's been having a great time with that. She wasn't looking for anything and I was like okay. That's like it's finally good luck and I was very surprised because because I didn't think that she the two times that we were intimate first time. She said that her period was induced during that and the second time when she was saying something about her ovary incident that was aggravated a previous condition. She hadn't so. I never really got the chance to fully dazzle her before she did. Like kind of breaking it off. She also could have had other stuff going on. It's like you know so. Go Free Swing casualties. The last I ever make her. You know what is crazy about this situation. Is Your thirty four years sold for women to meet you just my age alone. They probably assume Oh. He's of age to settle down or look for a serious relationship and then they hear that you had gotten out of eight year relationship. They might think okay but he's very used to being in a relationship so there's all these like other extra voices that that's someone would have about you. That would the direction of like. Oh maybe he's just going through a phase but eventually a full long term commited relationships. I was GonNa just say that even if it's like the eight years of like maybe he's just feeling this right now. Yeah but you're only what you feel. That's a problem right. I think like I can't date someone for the potential him dating someone for the crescent hints. And that's the conundrum. Is that when someone dates you for their future Ryan.
00:25:01 - 00:30:00
Then they're really her so segue take away. Glad wrap up soon by thank you for dating cheaper. We right now cheap in New York City okay. Yeah the data guru because he worked at a bar and Oh I don't know for not even to take them out on dates and just find somebody between two thirty three thirty in the morning and hey that's very nice. I slept with many bartenders. Here and that route is always between two thirty and three thirty. Like when you're well that's so. I think they're on prime bathing hours. Since you're here I've also only been bartending for a month. And maybe Asia Times total ever so out of those eight times guys. bartending cities my day off. I was just I wanted to be here guys. Uh I was listening to your liking so much. I felt like we're actually kind of kindred spirits I believe myself as the offers like sexual advice or charity verity to your so giving always tried to be extra over the top giving you said that you have some tips for people since you've dated. The New York dates for dating chief in New York Picnics. In the park set prices area could bring a bottle of wine and maybe a cheese. He's in some crackers and call it a day. That's it's a nice. It's a nice meet cute idea. They're not gonNA think like hey is trying to bring me to a bar for a drink. It shows a little bit more thought that by getting the cheese highlights whatever. You're going to buy wine bottle of wine. You could be one glass at arrest. Just play Devil's levels advocate on that one. If some guy took me for picnic in the park I would think he's probably more serious than what you're giving. I wouldn't think he just wanted me between two thirty three thirty. AM might be conflicting messages. What do you call picnic in the park? I'm just trying to think of cheap dates. Came you too well. I was one of the first hundred customers at chick fillet also and so I got a free chick-fil-a cards so I've got fifty two free chick-fil-a Kuwaiti meals for the year. And I went and I did that three times over the course of the winds here Hundred and fifty six free chick-fil-a meals so can I just point to the fact that there's only one and chick fillet in New York City. No less year. They've opened up a number. That's how I've got all the the only one chick-fil-a at NYU that was like the secret. Secret chick-fil-a okay. Girls like reaction. Would you take chick-fil-a. I'm not gonNA deal with you. That's what I was thinking. Everybody loves CHICK-FIL-A actually conversely love. Nobody's dislike you way. Are you take a check on a first date. That's sometimes I would go my parents. Let's have a pool on their roof. Would go to poo on my parents roof. Dan Chick-fil-a th then back to my voice. So upper east side right now. That was you like or the museum. The museum has suggested mission to pay dollar. Also my friend has a website where you can get last minute. Tickets to different types of shows and things like bad cold him up before we did this podcast. I'm not allowed to say because this person has its privileges with this. They Talk Youtube Yubin friends and stuff like that Cobi Facebook Messenger. Because it'll be cheaper than I like he said don't say black-market Jeff other people dates to Broadway shows. That's one of them serious runway Asia too. Yeah pretty hefty one more. I take him to Mad River dollar united. They did mad river dollar beard night. Work here I don't have to pay a dime. No what I also other bartenders from surrounding bars come meant I hook them up. And I take a day and then go quid pro quo with them and then they'll look me up and then I start them off with the other bar then take them here in awe. That's a great perk. That is great news. It's one of the best. I didn't even have to pay me here. Just that alone is really enough for me. That's the windows. Go drinking and the food and the food conversation with Ryan Start. I mean the biggest takeaways. You can't change anybody's trying to change them on weight weeded out. See the potential them. There's no use in you that you have to accept someone for the present them and accept them for who they are where they are in this stage. Even if it's a faith is still the present troop take people off face value. I think I've learned that a couple types tells you they awad absolutely serious.
00:30:00 - 00:34:19
They probably don't but I'm going to revert back to our earlier discussion of takeaways. While you're on a date. No the bartenders always watching. Oh excuse me bartender however you can they are your resource right because the longer you stay there the more you spend also too. I think like people will judge the way you treat other people that you counter like. If you're not nice to a bartender your or your extra nice to them like I think people will see that as an character valley definitely definitely. Yeah like I've heard from other bartenders. That like men don't really like engage with me and they ignore me and like all this stuff too friendly that you're doing your date but be nice like a nice person will go a long way. Always treat other people how you would WANNA be treated. Yeah even the Golden Rule right fleeting like flame that yeah. Can I tell you my mad river story. Many Times I was here one night with my friend Rob. We just finished a dance class. He dance class at the New York Sports Club. You're around the corner and we came over and the bartender bartender that night. Looks like just like Michael Boo Blake. I and till this day. I still don't remember his name. Earth face with friends but I can't find him food so the whole night were like my pa- Michael Whatever overlays. I go go home with Michael. Kay He had this nice one bedroom apartment on the upper east side. You'll was but he was like here's a closet. You can take up some spacier of you ever move in those nights right and we went up to this room at the stars. It was wonderful. The next morning he walks to branch I was getting Brunton rented a friend of mine never saw him again but years later Michael Blade. Message me asking about something that I was doing and I could not not remember who he was so I could not remember him out till the saints still can't remember his name but you saw him. You would like Michael. We'll way you probably still looks more like Mike now trying to help me in my career of us like a connection that I needed plays who he was until he said Matt River. What did he want me? I don't remember this is years ago. It was like your friend helped me with something my career. Maybe Blais if you're out there you're such a nice guy please just drop in right now. Glad you're listening. Survey Beattie Henri Claude for you we cover. I've worn for him bartender. Your hours ours are like I know it's new. It's only last month. You go on on Today's supposed to have a tinder date on Tuesday. Okay okay tonight. Julie go on dates and that data podcast just saying anything really is she loves dollar tacos. I'll just getting too marched rivers. Got Great tacos. Now you're always gonNA. It just refilled my drink. I throw New York City. visit him here at Mad River on the upper east aside. You're guaranteed to have a really fucking good times ball. Wants to continue the conversation. I follow us on Instagram facebook and twitter. Uh with the handle at dateable podcast tag any post with the Hashtag stay dateable entrust us at all those then head over to our website dateable podcast ask dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well. As articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts you can also find our premium y series where we dissect I set analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums also downloadable for free on spotify apple podcast Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.