Don't take bullshit from fuckers...especially when it comes to commitment and defining the relationship. We're diving into when (and how) to have the big DTR talk and re-playing Yue's interview with comedians Kane Holloway & Greg Behrendt from DTBFF. We discuss girls making the first move, why one may turn away love for selfish reasons, and how an engagement ring turned into an epic fail.
Listen to 'Don't Take Bullshit from Fuckers' and follow DTBFF, Greg, Kane, and Pat on Instagram @dtbffpodcast, @itsgreggers, @kaneholloway, and @dtbffproducerpat or your other favorite podcast players
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BONUS: DTR to Diamond Rings w/Greg Behrendt & Kane Holloway of 'Don't Take Bullshit from Fuckers'
00:00:01 - 00:05:04
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
welcome to another episode of the daily podcast where we explore every crevice of modern dating including. Why people do the things that they do. We are still in the off season. But we have these fantastic bonus episodes for you and also gives us a time to enjoy the summer julie. It's summertime hot girls summer. I don. I still can't believe it's july. Cancer season get cancer miss. Cra- check herself hat. Earth day. Do you do the birthday month thing. I mean this year of getting a little bit of a delay. Because i mean we're recording this before this will go out so by the time this goes out my birthday. We'll recording the future. But yes. I am doing a birthday dinner tomorrow night with my boyfriend. Virtually very is i'm going to birthday brunch in park day with some friends definitely will issue you a was. She were spirits. It was funny this year. Like i'm not going to do a big thing. We could start like a milestone birthday. It's kind of like getting older. Big three eight which is terrifying of officially in my late thirties. The great number. I realize you and your boyfriend have birthdays are really close to each other. We do we do. He's a gemini cancer on the cost. A like almost a cancer. Where's he taking you for dinner. Well we are going. We are attempting to go to state bird provisions out. You're brave but they don't take reservations so he's gonna wait line at four. Pm which is very nice. That is such a great gift we do have a backup if it fails so that is equally. It's somewhere that. I'm also really like his place octavia so either way. It will be good but we're feeling confident that we'll get it. Did you request state bird. Yeah it's not like he just knew we re likes it also buy yes. I did say. I would lights ago there and then you're going away. Oh yeah so. I'm going away to the east coast. So i will do Extended birthday celebration on monday with my parents. And i'm going to be spending next time we check in. I'll be in vermont of doing a little getaway with by brother. Sister law finally meeting my niece so a lot of really fun things in store. That's so fun while everyone wished julia had on instagram on facebook. Slight slide into her. Dm slide into rdm's made her feel especially special. It is her birthday month. Yes i feel like. I have a cancer through through. What are the traits of cancer definitely loyal. I think of them of superlight. Caring very sensitive is Maybe a little moody. I don't think i'm super duty. But there's a reason why. It's the crab and i never thought about. Think very romantic you associate with the romanticism. With cancers yeah. I think it's like you're very protective of loved ones as a big one yes in homebody a bit which i don't know if i'm like the body but i do care about my home view. A home is like you're saying sanctuary like where you reside bit more. Bright or home focused. I guess and then intuitive than other yeah. I think i'm pretty intuitive. Yeah yeah yeah. I don't know i was having this conversation. I think like argh you fit yourself into a box any of that right. That's true that's true. Yeah that's how they do astrology. Do all the all the traits so you cling onto like one or two like. That is so mean exactly. But it's like vindictive. And i don't think of that visiting now. So it's like saba the that you're gonna find. Yeah take it or leave it whatever you want to do. You notice the hickeys on my neck at all. No i did not notice them but please please tell the back story. I got some major action last From fucking mosquitoes. That was a letdown. I thought there was a real. Hickey story happening. I haven't had a hickey. Since high school. I will love one. Does not fucking mosquitoes taking my blood. Did i ever tell you what i was in high school. I did this cross country trip where we took a boss around the us.
00:05:04 - 00:10:09
It was a jewish trip so it was like with The jewish youth group and we would stay in members of the day. When i was a little religious than i am now or at least you know wet on religious trip ed. We used to stay with people like in the synagogues homes like when we went to different cities and we went to toronto and whatever reason we were in high school. So that's probably it. There became think that all the guys were giving girls keys onto the bus. Like as a joke has been like yo. It wasn't even like a sexual thing like they were like couples. That were making ou- like it would just be brand to people so we all showed up to like these parents homes with like hickeys all over us. The people running this program were mortified. Who started this friend. I have no idea. But whatever. I think i think of this. Well i guess i never ask you this. Did you ever go on right. No i never did birthright i feel like on birthright. They encourage you to hook up right. Yeah because the whole point of birthright is that they want you to feel connected to israel c. like mary someone jewish kief right traditions alive. No i didn't go on birthright. I dig do this trip in high school in. I was always like reformed jew so which is the lowest level the lowest they. I guess least religious was more identified. Culturally jewish yes. Cut i guess however you put it. But then this threat it was like borderline orthodox which is like the top. We'd pray like three times a day like we prayed at the grand canyon. These tourists were taking photos of us. Oh shit you had to do all head hickeys on your yeah. It was a cluster. Fuck it was super father. I mean it was really great memories but it definitely. It was a little intensely. For what i was used to. And yet did not go to birthright. After i guess i got off hanky cited need need to go to israel for a hickey. Eye would like to go to israel. Sub day though. I think it'd be cool. Wow i did not think this conversation. What go there. And i always have like things that we wanted to discuss the interest but we also let it go free form which is always fun and you know. This week's episode is a definitely a different format than we usually do. We had a blast of this podcast. So it was. Don't take bullshit from fuckers which is amazing name mouthful. it's the best. I love the day Because i think that is a good bottle to lift by. Don't take bullshit for fuckers. So this podcast is hosted by two. Could be the greg behrendt and kane. Holloway and greg is actually the author of. He's just not that into you. Which is such a blast or the past. But we're going to have both of them on the podcast for season thirteen which were super excited about. We got some really great topics that we're gonna cover with both of them individually. But they had you and i individually on their podcasts. So as part of the bonus. We're going to rerun these episodes. Because i personally love doing this. I thought it was a very different for bet that we're used to but it was super fun and really funny topics that they just kind of dive into things on bradovich and just like current events all related to dating relationships. So hopefully you all enjoy the next two episodes that are going to be i su- a and then my episode. It's funny because we're all lumped into this category of dating podcasts. But there's different because there's a so topical and they moved from segment to segment. They talk about memes which we do. We really should bring some memes julie. But it's just it's such a different way of delivering information. So i really loved that we were able to be on theirs and they get to be on ours. Because it's there's really no overlap of information being shared. It's completely different show totally. This is a really fun one. I don't recall. I kind of blacked out at one point during the interview because we talked about so many things in my mind was overly stimulated but i know we talked about some really funny shit. So you know. You can't go wrong with comedian. Well there is something about it. A gauge it rag will leave it at that other steadily in my forte as well. So that's the episode. We also have an exciting event coming up. We are bringing us back just julian. I back another sounding. Board event for the month of july. Were calling this second opinion. Because have you ever received some advice from some friends or family members about your dating situation that you question you pause and think. Do i like that advice. Does that make sense while you need a second opinion just like should you get that tooth removed. Maybe your dentists. Yes maybe a dentist says no. So let's just bring that back. it'll be julian. I at this event you all bring your dating situations your Conflicts problems something.
00:10:09 - 00:15:01
You're stuck on war just you just want someone else to give you. A third party's perspective on what's going on. You can do it at our second opinion event. And if you haven't asked yet if you shy you can get two opinions. What into you a at is that is also a second opinion. Absolutely i think right now is the perfect time because a lot of are diving back into the scene and that could be whether you're dating again or maybe like you have a partner that you bet govan that like things are different now and you're trying to navigate like life after cove it. I think this is a great time to bring those questions. And you'll get our input. You'll get other members employed. It's gonna be really fun. It's always a great time to bond with everyone so yeah definitely check that out. It's going to be on july twenty second. Which is a thursday night. And yeah it's gonna be awesome so make sure to join dateable. Podcasts dot com slash sounding board friends with benefits level above. Keep it intimate so we can get to everyone's questions and if you're too shy to ask your question frontal group people you can always your question anonymously totally need to put you on the spot. You know we can ask whatever you want behind. You get a lot of anonymous questions a lot. Love anonymous question speaking of anonymous questions. Shall we do our question. I have a question free assure. This is not anonymous question because we've received this from. We always ask questions that we've received from multiple people so that we can be more generous with our information and this questions specifically is very much tied to this episode. You're about to hear. How do i guess someone to commit to very generalized question. But i also hear the undertone of this question is how do i guess someone to. Dt are how do. I guess someone to only want to be with me. Or how do i get someone to be in a relationship with me. Is all of those questions. Rolled up into one well. I don't think you could ever get someone to commit number one. That hand is never the best path. In my opinion. I think that is at all stages of a relationship personally. I think it's open. Conversation is the best path even the dt our conversation. I personally feel mixed on it. Like i know a lot of people like when's the right time to. Dt are when should i have the dt tr conversation if you are asking the question that kind of means like you're not even in the right place to be doing yet give it so unclear whether someone's like seeing a bunch of people are not that kind of means that like there's a little bit of disconnect going on and i personally think maybe the better approach like what are you actually trying to get more of. Is it more time together as at a deeper connection. Is it your feeling of security. What is that and then have that conversation. Like let's say you're seeing someone every two weeks for instance and you're like i want to know where they're at have a d. Tr is really the main thing that you just need to see each other a little more frequently. Maybe you should work on that before. Having this more like official commitment conversation. Because i think sometimes when things aren't going like organically that's when you know like the the conversations come out of left field and you don't get the answer you necessarily want that's right. The word commitment is also different for different people. Commitment could just mean you want to see each other more frequently or commitment means you only see each other in a monogamous way. So one i would try to define what a commitment means to me and why. That kind of commitment is important but to julius point. You can't force someone to commit to you. I've seen many relationships fail because of that ultimatum. In the beginning either we are in a relationship as a couple or amending. This and what you're doing is threatening your partner. That's not a great way to start a relationship because at any point during this relationship. They're going to think i was forced or tricked. I was scammed into this relationship out of fear. So i think you can't force someone to to commit to you and to this question feels to me kind of like chicken or the egg. It kind of feels like well it. I want to get someone to commit to me. So that i can commit myself to them versus if you truly want to commit to someone in the way that you want. Then you commit to them. I you delete the dating apps you show them that you're committed instead of waiting for them to show that back because if you do that you're never gonna get anywhere. The last thing you should be doing in this situation is to hold resentment because you expected something and you're not getting it and to forcing your partner or pudding your partner on the spot. Hey in the next two minutes. Can you decide. You want to be in a relationship with me. That scares the shit out of people.
00:15:01 - 00:20:01
Even they wanna be in a relationship with you. We've we've heard this on our podcast. We've heard this from our listeners. You never wanna back someone into a wall so go a level higher and think what is commitment mean to me. And how can i show commitment my partner and see if they're on board with it. Yeah i think it's really fascinating how people talk about the difference between exclusive and then the difference of being in a relationship and i think it goes back to like what you saying you as like what is your definition because you still might not be on the same page if you're whatever your charms your agreeing to if you have different definitions of what those terms are i mean. I personally think it's just best to have the conversation of what commitment means to you or like what does being even exclusive mean to you. Like how do they differ. Are they the same like everyone has. It's so interesting. I feel like everyone is different Definitions of everything we even people will be like. Oh yeah. I dated this person. Then you find out. They went on like two dates. Yes you know. It's like all the time. Aided dated is such a loose term exclusive. They're all such loose terms even though they're like defining things very fascinating the world we live in. Also when you set boundary like Exclusivity does not show someone state of mind right if exclusive with someone. It doesn't mean that i'm automatically committed to them it but my could be committed to someone else emotionally. i don't know so even asking for exclusivity doesn't exactly get to the true intent of being committed to separate the two and think again. What is my intention here. Julius such a great question. Why do i want this. What am i actually asking for. The only part. I would challenge a little bit is i do believe in the dt our conversation because it is about entering into a relationship and pending that contract as transactional s s sounds. Because i learned this. The hard way i talk about my boyfriend had in beijing who didn't believe that being on the dating apps was a form of cheating right it was not in his vocabulary to even say cheating but to me that was ultimate betrayal On his part so if we can have the. Dr conversation is set these guidelines but at least like actual agreements or align on what we think makes a healthy relationship. Then we can lease nowhere are boundaries are just to be clear. I don't dislike the dt. Our conversation. I think it's important because it sets the intention in what my opinion is on. It is that it should not come out of left field for either party if it is then. I think there's more that you need to work on like if you're spending all your time with someone already it's clear that you're heading that direction and i think like having the conversation of being like. Oh yeah like. You're my boyfriend your girlfriend. Whatever or exclusive. whatever that is. I think that is importing. That does make both people like step up and be more committed to it but that being said like we here i feel like a lot of people fall to the dichiara conversation when things aren't going their way right like oh this person barely text me. Never wanna hey out. I need to know right and it's like well you kind of have your answer. They're like what else can you do. That's what i mean a little more. Like i think like i've had our conversations that have been like walking. It's like oh like you're my girlfriend right like because so obvious like yeah obviously at i think i mean i thought it was nice like my boyfriend now and i did like deleted hinge together and those like a nice ceremony that did change the tone of our relationship. It made us be like okay. We're focusing on each other. Only gonna did change the intention so i think it is good to have those milestones. But i don't think it's like a patch for when things aren't going well right. It's all about the intention and you can't resort to it as like. When people try to save their marriages by getting pregnant. Let you just dry. You can't force people into committing to you also the surprise attack. Nobody wants a surprise attack and same with proposals. Nobody wants to be surprised when they're getting. The timing of the proposal should be or can be a surprise but the idea of the proposal should never be a surprise right. I mean the whole thing This is like a whole other tangent that we should probably go into another day a little more deep. But i think sometimes to of someone's not on the same page at the same time as he doesn't mean that it's over either like i've heard many of stories where like one person wasn't ready to get married yet. The other person really wanted to and they kept the relationship going and eventually they both got to that point that being said they were clearly already like committed to each other. I would never recommend like someone. It's like never seeing a person to be like.
00:20:01 - 00:25:00
Oh just hold out hope. But like if they're seeing someone frequently in there like have not there fully yet like maybe. It's okay to keep going with. It's not always like hard fast rules. I think you know in your gut like if someone's on the saint pages you're absolutely. You gotta listen to your gut. I feel like. I went through exactly that with my current boyfriend. He we had the. Dt are informal but we had a dr conversation and he said. I only want to be with you. I'm not ready for labels. And i can work towards that but the label's really scare me and i was in agreement to that. 'cause labels don't mean much to me but that's all i knew from previous relationships is that you jump into label and i think two or three months later. He just naturally are calling me his girlfriend right and it wasn't even like a hoe now. We are officially boyfriend girlfriends. Like you naturally just evolved into that next phase. Whatever that next phase could be. Yeah i mean. I think that happens with moving in together with getting married like there's a lot of stages after that t are to give someone a twenty dollar ring and call it a day. I can't wait for people to hear this twenty eight dollars. That's that's happening. I'm going to evolve away to think about speaking of transitioning and evolution transition into this other topic which is something i learned recently and it's sort of related to all of this but i thought it was really useful to me so i hope it's useful to all of you I met this self defense against master teacher. She is also a world renowned martial artists. And i asked her. What is the first or the most important self-defense. Move that people can learn especially in today's climate. There's some crazy shit happening and she said i'm going to surprise you but it's breathing breath. What yes and she said this a lot. And this is why i'm gonna bring this back to dating and to just a life. She said in all of these situations where someone's getting attacked or if someone's in a heated argument you always hear them say when they think about it. In retrospect was i froze. I didn't know what you do. I did something. But i can't remember 'cause i blacked out. She says it's because most people in those situations where they're put on the spot where they're in a trauma traumatic experience. They stop breathing. And if you stop breathing you can no longer. Your body physically can no longer perform. Like i should be so. You can't get up and leave. You can't get up and run so that was such a great learning for me because now in everything that happens because their shit going on but also dating their things are just going to frustrate you and you. Everybody has these knee jerk reactions. While i'm gonna tax back this. I'm going to say this. The first thing you need to do is just breathe and center yourself before you and so. That's my little mantra from now on. I mean that's a good life launch hummel lake any time. I know that's happened to be even like when i feel like annoyed by something that someone did or i perceive something certain way taking that wrath you at least calmed down so you can have a conversation dot just accusation at them right. We've all been there right. We said something that we didn't want to your regret it later. And then you ask. Why did i ask. Why did i say that. Why did i react that way. And now you can have fewer of those moments just by taking a second to breathe. Maybe we can operate together right now. Because i'm hot. You're inhale and exile. I definitely feel like i was much more short tempered earlier years by force like so much more. Like i feel like moving to california definitely like calm me down a lot but i think over the last years to dislike. I think this podcast has helped a lot but just doing various self work. Therapy has helped a lot. I think it's definitely a skill that can be learned. So if you do feel yourself having those knee jerk reactions definitely something that you can change about yourself. I definitely feel like i have yes. And it's a life lesson that if you wanna ramp up you got to slow down. I okay any announcements that we have quickly probably just the given follow us on instagram. At dateable podcast join love in the time of corona by the dateable podcasts. Definitely get into the sounding board. You aren't yet bench on the twenty second What else has been going on. We had a really fun livestream. The other night we are. We introduced are july member of the month. Loretta much fun. And she's so involved in the community and always so positive in creative. She's the one with all the awesome funky day ideas of you need any good date ideas. You gotta go to loretta.
00:25:00 - 00:30:05
She's she's got it. Oh yeah low is the best and yeah i could catch the replay on in the facebook group in love and the time of corona. You could hear about the crazy date. She had that. I definitely share the story of i'll just i'll just say it's related to bridegroom. We'll just leave it at that. It's related to this. It's a pretty funky story. She's just so much fun every time we meet up with her. She has a different story to share. She's a wonderful storyteller but just a valuable member in our community and we can't be any more grateful for arita congratulations to low. I love the community member of the month. Because low definitely embodies so many of the qualities i think when i think of someone open minded and willing to try new things i definitely think of low. So yeah we always try to put these against dateable values. In every month we have a new member of the month that we do over livestream in the face community. Severe not there yet. Loved the taiba kuroda. That's the place to be. So let's get into some messages from our sponsors up. Until now i feel like i have never been able to find the right shorts. Something that's stretchy practical. Durable and cute will thanks to title nine. I found the one actually more than one. Because i've told you all about the clamber shorts and they're amazing and now i've recently discovered there clamper shorts which are made out of super stretchy abrasion resistant fabric so they're basically indestructible and thanks to a wide comfy waistband and tons of pockets. I can wear them all day. No matter what i get into their basically bad ass shorts title nine designs and sells performance outdoor gear and apparel for women like us. You know we're busy with lives many adventures right now title. Nines offering our listeners. Ten dollars off and free shipping on orders over one hundred dollars. When you visit title nine dot com slash dateable go to title nine dot com slash dateable for ten dollars off and free shipping on your order over one hundred dollars. That's t. i. T. l. e. n. i n. e. dot com slash dat ab l. e. I feel like there are a lot of questions around. Cbd and what it can do for you. So i wanna cleared up right now. Cbd is natural. it's safe and it's effective recently. I was introduced to a cd. Brand called feels which is a premium product. The helps you keep your head clear and help you feel your best. I find it effective for two of my major pain points. One is focus and to as low quality of sleep feels offers a guy that helps with dosage for specific goals. So i just take a little bit to help me focus during the day and i take double the dosage to help me sleep. Better at night cents using feels. I definitely feel a lot less anxiety. And if you're new to cd. They offer a free. Cbd hotline to help guide you through the discovery process and their hassle-free membership program offers a money back guarantee. If you don't start feeling your best start feeling better with feels become a member today by going to feel dot com slash dateable and you'll get fifty percent off your first order with free shipping that's f. e. a. l. s. dot com slash d. h. e. a. b. l. e. to become a member and fifty percent automatically taken off your first order with free shipping feel com slash dateable. Okay so shall we get into it with greg and kane and you as episode gay. You're listening don't take bullshit fucking here. Coast and king watch the bachelorette. I just caught up about an hour ago. We had some cliff notes. But i can't name the contestants reactions for sure because wanna talk about that. Yeah yeah yeah. Pack won't do it do it. In what did for a long time to with his life and i never watched it last year now obsessed. Yeah i hate watching. That's my watch. It is the best shit show in the world. It is so good. It's like the most mentally unstable people in one room but can go wrong. There's nothing worse than a bachelor doing a bit trying to be funding. Will just my acid my sheets like. I just couldn't handle it love it. What did you think of. Everyone's intros and all that shit can we. Just i talk about all of their job. Titles what it was that one guy that was like a skin sales sell skin right.
00:30:05 - 00:35:01
That was never reconstructive surgery so skin. That is a job. isn't that while. And then there was the one guy that was in charge of e sold zippers. Or he was a zipper. Just don't tell people you have a job if you do. Well then just just do the whole you know when people say they're like in sales you can say medical sales in that can apply for so many things but these were really specialty job. Titles i was just kind of done like. Where did they find these people. I didn't see the skin salesman guy. I was too busy. Just sort of like a namur with the. I feel like when you wear a costume. Don't you immediately was like the gag is done once you're like. Hey i'm a cat and taking off your like in the party dollars you like to you take off the catsuit and and the gloves at least take the gloves off. 'cause like by the end when he was getting his rose. He had his sleeves up. Like you knew that dude was hot. You did you see them. Make out scene though. That was just so awkward. he's in his cat outfit. She's got her cat ears in there like fully tongue in hung out so odd they were turned on like she was really turned on by like. I know hottest of all of them. I know yeah it was. It was just pushing on pussy action. I'm the bachelor history. I was like what is happening. I don't know if i should be observing this. And the other guy that asked her. I think during their first talker. Whatever inside the room. He's like you seem like a really good mother. You seem like you would make a really good mother. Yeah what the fuck would you ever say that from the. Yeah you really healthy. I you do the fox and then that was it. That was the whole bit. He was in a box and that production takes forever so he had to abandon that box for like four hours. Can you just imagine him. Selling the producers on that stick. Okay guys get this. I'm going to inter in a box. And i will stay in the box for the rest of the time. And all the producers are like yes. I mean you get out of the box. That's going to be amazing as such good reveal. Ben if the guy in the box had been somebody from another season like a surprise get right. He was like a waffle wall street. Yeah nothing special about it was like go get back in the box and the guy that faked a british accent. I couldn't get over that my guy if you can't do it don't do it. I don't do it. Just obsessed about it. When he talked to her he was like so. You didn't think it was good. I am pretty good at it. Like my china dried up when he did that mind. I can't even tell you what my nothing for work. At first i was like. It's either like british dude. Who's been in america for a long time. So it's starting to fade away kind of vied or he got drunk at a party one time and he started doing it and then one of his buddy was like yo. That's a great british cool. No more work needs to be done on this. This is good on this one. Just anti drop right here. What a waste of two hours of my life but it was good. It was good. It was entertaining every season. The most dramatic season yet. And you know what chris harrison not at all. But did you like that. She was so surprised when patia and whatever her the other girls names were revealed as the host like the she knew we do not sell. Yeah that's really dumb. what a moment. What a moment to craft for her sneaking up behind her like she didn't know like they had to do that a couple times like okay. That one was okay. But you didn't look as surprise tayshia. And what's your name back right again. Take one hundred and six more surprised. I also love that. Tayshia was like really pay attention to the guys. You're not attracted to the guy i'm marrying. I was not attracted to him at all. I live top three at all. Great good advice. Maybe that's why she picked the catsuit guy. She's i'm really not attracted to this but teasha told me to be. I'm gonna go for or the guy that pulls out the sex doll with the longest setup in the history of jokes. it was the worst payoff. I thought he's going to bring a puppy a pet of something a kid. I thought he'd kid and then that's usually a cool way to go single dad or something like that. Yeah i hate everything about you.
00:35:01 - 00:40:02
He named it and that they was like you knew it had a name because her dildo van the last season when she was one of the contestants her dildo had a name. So he's like okay. I'm gonna do her job verbatim. Gosh beat for beat. But you can't keep a sex on your back pocket the moment when you have to walk back to the thing for punch line. It's like that better. Be the funniest thing you've ever thought of in your life and if it doesn't make you laugh don't do it. Just don't do that. He's going down in history as the guy that brought the sex doll. Let the old fashioned sex doll. Nobody uses anymore. There's those real dogs. Yeah a robot fucking robot got out. We fuck okay. Cool that's awesome close. Weren't loan featuring the pandemic shit. So fucking funny ua I listened to dateable your podcasts. Thanks for listening. Yeah listened to today when you had a guy on about I forgot his name. But you you had your guests on about pegging. And i didn't know what it would be like like a dating podcasts. Like maybe it's tips and tricks of tune in for that to hear guy talk about hating and looking for dominatrix is to pay him. I was shocked and surprised but also it was a nice surprise. It was funny. I really loved. It was a really great episode. Canine how you're going to start that sentence. Where i didn't know what pegging was pegging is greg. Greg was okay i clean. We've had a few listeners. Email us and dms before they listen to the episode. Just want to clarify what is pegging. What does pegging me so for. Anybody who doesn't know this is not something you wanna google on your work computer but it is. It is informative to know. And how funny is that guy. Rochman is his name that yes guests. We had on his whole story about how he found himself liking pegging with one of his girlfriends for his birthday in. Oh didn't go as planned for his birthday. But later he found there were other ways to pay for professionals to be your pegging companion now greg. Your birthday is coming up isn't it. Yes that's right in july. So i don't know man. Maybe check out the episode in a mirror. My linked up on either that. Or it's next all you in you do your do your show with julie craft chick. Is that correct. Julie craft chick on the show to as later. She's coming on as a guest who you guys have a great dynamic. I really love you. Guys is dynamic on. The show's really a funny. So and that's why another reason we wanted to have you on. The show is like you guys are really good and We figured you guys would also be good separate and we want to promote your show as well. 'cause it's such a really fun interesting new dateable. There's a lot of dating podcasts out there but yours feels like two friends or really linked up and talking about sex and dating and i like it. It's a great show. thanks so much. You really took a risk with us. Because we've never really been on podcasts with each other so you know i could have totally been the biggest bore in the world's so you took your. You took a risk but we have a question in from marcy and she wants to know. Am i being fucker again. Or is he coming in hot. Hello greg kane. Love the podcast. I look forward to hearing your banter every week. You keep me laughing while teaching me about myself pat. Your laugh is contagious. After a relationship that spanned half my lifetime. I'm separated from my ex for a year and a half. Neither of us was faultless. But i was definitely a fucker. Since then i've been working on myself all the while making up for lost time in greg's words i've been uncleaned dodging commitment but being upfront about it. Dating without intent is tiring so three months ago i went on a detox and gave up all men to figure my shit out before getting back out there. Last weekend i met a guy and right off the bat. He was into me glued to my side and bowing the tree right. I was inebriated but we had a good conversation. What i remember and we shared some of our past experiences him being hurt in love repeatedly and me recovering after a non-functioning relationship. I saw him last night and he was just as sweet. But it's almost too much for me. He says he loves hard. So committed that. It's the other person that messes it up. He commented on my look so many times both nights so i can't decide if he likes what he knows about me.
00:40:02 - 00:45:02
Or if he's blinded by my looks or the idea of love and maya fucker for saying it. But he's not who i pictured falling for and i'm not ready to commit hell. I have of a hot girl. Summer surprise i'm also a g g fan most of my life i've answered to someone or had to factor in another opinion so i'm just now learning to make entrust my own decisions. I think the answer is to nip in the bud before someone gets her. But how am i a fucker for turning away the chance at love for selfish reasons i couldn't sleep and for a split second thought of writing to my counselor but nah i need the sage yet. Blunt wisdom of the dt bff. Guys thank you. That's from marcy marcy. Wow i really felt her soul in that really dead. I feel like this is the prime example of love bombing win. Someone just showers you with affection and attention without really a reason. Why and we see this with people who do this with every relationship they get into and a played the victim of. Hey i showered you with all this love. You're the one fucking up this relationship. And i think she's yeah right. Jeeze targeting that yeah already created. Burmese already created the situation. Explained to her how it's gonna go exactly and she's interchangeable she's one of those faceless women that he's like okay here's another one. I'm going to love bomb her. I'm gonna use the same formula and if this relationship ends. It's her fault no matter what she does. So of course in the beginning of feels amazing. He's gonna sail the right things. Do all the right things. And it's not about her though. He's not doing these things i say. Marcy really look at what he's doing. Is that taylor to you or is it just a very general affection general attention that makes you feel good and ultimately i think we all have to connect with our intuition that entire message she just wrote was sounding like she was trying to get out right military's like give me out of this box. The box feels good. It's like a smells nice. It's cushy her food in here you know. But i feel trapped and i feel that for mercy. It's like this feeling of. I can't breathe for some reason. I can't breathe. And i feel like i need to get out but everything's pointing to all things are going well but listen to your intuition. I think your intuition is always right. Now it's really easy to complement. Somebody's looks and that doesn't say very much about you. Lack certain amount of death. And i think men in particular especially at the beginning can't tell the difference between affection just being so fucking horny and just one and not knowing who's driving you know and so they feel like they're into it but a lot of times it ends quickly to as soon as they come has. We've said many times. Yeah that's Faculties again and you're like. Oh but do i like this person. This person's hot and this person turns me on. Do i wanna hang out. Do i want to hang out with them. Going to be with them and A lot of the times when they're writing us this email. It's usually a big no. So yeah i think that's good. Plus getting out of her long relationship but she was saying. It's like you're starting to trust yourself at this point. I feel like she'd rather date herself. I would in her situation. Like i'd rather date myself. Especially if like this love bomber comes in and this is feels like would be my next relationship. That's gonna end. Is this one going to start. And then fizzle non. Fuck that i'd get out of that. I also she wants to know how like what's a way that she could tell him. I don't even think you need to tell him. I think you just gotta say like. I think just being honest with yourself and saying i need to get out of this relationship and just end the relationship. It doesn't feel like it's going down the right path at all. And i think get out before he brings on the love bombing part to you. Know a second wave home an explanation at this point. Now we say. Hey i'm not feeling you know or ghost. I was gonna say this is when we implement ghosting right here. Not all grossing is bad ghosting and this is like good. Ghosting like casper this. The friendly ghost hang out thursday smiling. Never give actor answer just like a constant smiley face. I think that is a great way to go. Search justice in a smiley face and the other person's like i kind of feel rejected and kind of happy at the same time as makes feelings on the dick.
00:45:02 - 00:50:03
Yeah he's smiley faces that's very good. It's positive negative Hey everyone are you sick of taking bullshit. From fuckers want direct. Help from greg and myself. We hold a bimonthly workshop on zoom for people who not only want to stop taking bullshit from fuckers but want to recognize fuckers before they even smell the bullshit. We have helped. Many people from our workshops previous attendees of said thank you for the tuneup. Dt bff crew. I will definitely utilized this again and again go to don't take bullshit and fuckers dobbin cartel dot com to secure your seat and stop taking bullshit from fuckers. You can also find this link in the show description is the theme song for what this means. Song being sampled song. We'll read and davin means being name brand been qua- causes through busing in means lag poster. That can't hang from a tree and it says hang in there baby or mondays and my mannheim i ride if you can think of a damper and then we'll probably change you go dick you thank you very much. Feels every once a week before we did the second. It's a longer every day. Isn't it feel longer everytime yes it does doesn't it and that's a good thing right. I've heard that sometimes we have a bunch today. Sent in from all over the place we have listeners. Gray you got some pat has an you a you brought some so we got loaded up. Would you like to hear some from us. I do wanna wars. Okay great what do you have. This is from l. And it says all suffering is either remembered or anticipated i don't know watching two hours of bachelorette the whole time up very much in the moment this much of yeah that's true too from redhead uncensored as we gain confidence in ourselves red flags are no longer red flags dealbreakers. I love that one. Yeah it doesn't motivate me because that to me shows so a red flag would be someone who may not have many close friends. It's a red flag. Is it a deal breaker. I don't know might be nice to monopolize time. But i as i gained more confidence. I'm like great. I don't best friends of and how he got me. Good larry issue. Would you like when you're younger you like. He doesn't have any friends psycho. And then your mid thirties. He doesn't have any friends. What a luxury. What a lovely man or a beautiful person. She also sent this one fuck it. You tried move on demand. I just go back to pegging i. How slow slow is slow down. Slow down you and your new girlfriend did over the weekend if that reenactment okay. Hey hey slow. Those early dating. He'll try anything very unclean all alone. That's enough that's enough. that's okay. Cain your pants aren't even off. I know enough. What do you have. I saw this on a dating profile years ago. This guy's profile photo. He's wearing a shirt that says assholes have feelings too fact why they ask those.
00:50:03 - 00:55:00
Their feelings are constantly being hurt. That's always about astles. Yeah yeah so. That one's nice at this one. I saw the other day about better. But your dad. Jane should yeah. My dad's not a very nice person so so but he does have feelings. He's a very sensitive man. He's huge when he cry. It would look like when jabba the hutt would laugh so to me. Maybe to mean if you don't know my dad that's to me. Does your dad listening to this. Podcast i have no idea. There's no no no way because it yeah. I don't think he would if he periodically. I'll hear that he's tried to get a hold of me. We don't talk anymore but periodically all someone will say. I talked to your dad. He tried to call you. Or whatever. And i'm like he wouldn't call me if he's listened to any episode of this show wouldn't try how they tried to call you i. He has numbers dialing stiffer. Tried you do the best now. Is that a red flag. This guy doesn't have a dad or a death perfect for me. I've one more. I have a few others. But i think this one is a good one percent. That's the other day. Some people are like clouds when they're gone. It's a beautiful day. Oh i like that. Wow that's a good one. I feel like we should end on that one but we got more good one stop reaching out first and see how many dead flowers you've been watering let i did flowers even watery psychopath wrote it's from pats journal do not reach out. I tend to dead flowers. The what was my favorite part. What's my god. That's so funny. We got one in from doria. She says you don't have to feel sorry for loving someone no matter how it turned out. I guess i mean it's nice to love people. Feel you love somebody. It's it's nine hundred implicated. It isn't always reciprocated. This is live right. If that makes you feel better than gopher recite it to say out loud we have actual dating questions specifically for. Ua this one comes from taylor sinclair. She wants to know. Is it weird. When girls make the first move he had love this question. Because there's just so much behind it because it comes with so many gender roles that have been internalized for years so by asking that question. What she's asking is do women have permission to make the first move. Is it acceptable by society to do that. I think we live now in twenty. Twenty one after covid reset everything including gender roles. We are already progressing that way. But now we're like hard reset. And i feel like you. Just gotta do you. It's not about women making the first move men making the first move. You are in control of your life so you find someone interesting. You wanna get to know them. It is up to you to do that. How you move that forward back in the day you as a woman. You drop a handkerchief. That's how you show that you're interested in someone hoping the man will pick up your handkerchief and eventually you know ask you out or whatever who does that first of all who has a handkerchief and two men do not pick up on those signals anymore. Like women cannot be passive. We gotta be like. I like you and i wanna hang out with you okay. I was at that. That's a sad statement about men what men have evolved into like i lack. What you're saying is absolutely true and so that should be true for men to hear mentioned. Try and make something happen. They want something to happen so they should make a move or they should do something but that some men that around like wallflowers waiting for people to ask them out makes me sad. It's so sad and we talk about this. When you have juliane your podcasts Talk about what we call relationship chicken. Why is it in dating and courtship. We are constantly trying to show the least amount of interest. We're trying to date someone. I went to text back. I don't want to be the first one to reach out. I don't wanna be the first to say.
00:55:00 - 01:00:03
I love you. Don't want to be the first one to tr. Why isn't our goal is trying to find a partner. Who's going to step up with you. So thank you kind of animals do it. They circle each other. I think sometimes we're just circle each other. Were just poking a little bit and trying to figure out. Is this worth. you know what i mean like. Don't give too much too soon quickly. You know hold back a little bit. Don't come at somebody with your need. Because when you're super needy people get turned off really quickly. Do be careful with what you dole out at the beginning. It's just the animal circling reminds me of your whole talk about the woman who's sleeping with her snake and the snake sizing her up like maybe they're asked circling each other. They're trying to see if they can eat each other. We're reading animals all wrong. Yeah i think there's something to be said about that. It's the circling process. It's still like it's a step forward and a step forward but in human courtship a lot of times we're trying to step backwards hoping the other person would come forward and meet you in. It doesn't work that way so we we should still circle but that's still movement that's still intention that's put into that. You're right fair enough. No one wants to feel turn down. But that's the fear completely so what's going through. Your mind is going through his mind. Like i don't wanna make the first move. Because i don't wanna feel rejected and then she's like i don't wanna make the first move. I'm the girl. I don't wanna get rejected now. You're sitting there and no one's doing anything it's like you're both sitting on opposite see-saws and you're on the ground waiting for the other one to hop on sane. I mean you're in a new relationship so this is so fresh for you. How did that dynamic go down. Who made the first move there. Yeah i sat on my see-saw fucking but i was also super nervous. Because i was really into her and i was so you're that i like second guessing all of mine decisions anyway. I also told greg pad both very recently. Like i think i even talked about on the show that i don't think i want to date right now. I think i just wanna like be. And then and then. I started talking to this girl that i was crushing on an. She started to go a little more hard in the paint. And i was just sitting there going like i was trying to get greg name to tell me that i'm crazy for thinking. She's into me like prove ruby. Like she's not into me right. And then these two and my friend taylor stop being dumb. This chick likes you fucking. Give her your phone number. Stop talking on instagram. like you're in high school. I happened through instagram. Yeah she we were talking to instagram. And then and then it snowballed from there and then i've never been more nervous. Give my number to anybody. And i was always someone who like took a step with people. I always took the step. I was like all all. Ask them out of whatever. I don't care for some reason i was like this one made me really nervous. And then now we're talking in our Our dating we're in. The throes of it were unclean as it were. What a beautiful story for taylor to here is started with her making the first move and if she didn't who knows. Because you second guessing yourself this whole time so you probably wouldn't have made that i move. You wouldn't be fucking like rabbits today absolutely you. Thank you a not greg. Thank you for your heart. You really wanna get serious about this chain. The person made the very first move was me. That's not fucking that's not cool man You can still follow me on. Ben mail on ben until they're kind of charon it up my lincoln bio take you right to benn mal greg. What what is this one transaction to someone for pegging. Unless w just got to keep private. I you know i always forget who can see that explained to me and matt gaetz. We'd both in better shit. Shit yeah follow. Greg greg dash barent al. Franken me ten bucks. I don't care an ten bucks. Send him fifteen. Send him twenty. Whatever if you need five bucks i got. He's got five. Tim why are you. Don't pay greg's them. You can also have greg pay you. If that's the case twenty bucks five bucks ten bucks.
01:00:03 - 01:05:00
Eleven stewart in one dollars increments naper a couple months back like yeah have. She talked back to her. So funny greg segment of who most greg the most in the week because nobody knows it's like an auction and whoever most you the most they get a shoutout whoo yes. Steve harvey steve. Hi greg longtime listener first-time messenger question. Why do most of the dating suggestions for people fifty and over show a pick of an eighty year old person year. I turned fifty last year. Am i suddenly thrust into elderly one day. You still got it the next day. You're the creepy lady at the bar winking according to a younger group not that i'm winking at anyone but you get the point. I'm sure after fifty. I was unprepared. Much love why haven't dated after fifty. So i no idea. I can't imagine that snowden get the picture is it bad back it yes. It's terrible terrible for older women. A lot i do i do. I mean i don't know it's not your basically invisible after fifty so yeah yeah fifty. A strange age isn't it. I'm forty and i feel like when i turned fifty i will still feel like i'm i'm in my forties but there's a big jump between forty and fifty all of a sudden fifty. You're considered in the older group when your mentality probably hasn't changed that much so i can see where laurels having identity crisis here because yes the dating sites probably want to market to someone who's like look. There's still chance when you're older her. She's like no. I still look like fucking thirty. Don't moroccan me. Like i'm eighty. Yeah issues getting. Yeah just like the monopoly guy knitting. Yeah it's gotta be challenged. I feel like we had a workshop and we had a woman that was in her sixties complaining about the same kind of thing trying to figure out what she should do and we suggested that it now especially with like dating dating app suck for people at any age. I was on the dating apps for a little bit. It either sucks or you meet people. Have you done the the apps you at all. Oh yeah yeah. Yeah for years. This is how i felt about it for the short time that i was in it. It felt like whenever i matched. i couldn't get excited about that person and almost like it was an intangibility. Even though i met them in real life. I still like at the day. I didn't feel any nerves. I didn't feel any butterflies. I just was like because i have such detachment from the internet. That meeting someone on the internet doesn't feel real to me so i can't then get it up for the day so then with that mentality i was like i can't do this shit. Did you ever feel like that. Well also because you think the whole world is pining after you. That's what the dating apps makes. You feel like you walk into a bar and everybody wants. You is if you look at the photos. You swipe through the photos in every photo. Is someone making eye contact with you. What whether that's real or not right so it's hard to get excited because you're not zero eight in on people you just keep thinking. They're so many options out there and that's problem with a dating apps. That's what makes them. Sticky is that you want be on to look at all your options but once an option doesn't match with you it leaves you wondering what else can i do better. But i agree with a disconnect. What is interesting about the dating apps for older folks. I hate say that's not really older. Folks is all of a sudden when you get to fifty as a woman. It's probably men in their eighties. Were looking for women in their fifties man in your fifties you have twenty thirty year olds looking up to fifty so different pool of people. You're getting. I have a close friend who turned fifty. She was on the dating apps. She's like i'm getting guys whose profile photos are of like their nose because they don't know how to take selfies because they're so old stories on these are people who are crippled or people who are on life support but she's like no literally these are eighty ninety girl men who are messaging and it is extremely demoralizing because she is still a hot woman in her fifties so i totally get this transition and for the dating apps too because you kind of feel like for us we can say it looks like there's a lot of options for her. She felt like this is showing me the least amount of options i can possibly have. She just kept thinking.
01:05:00 - 01:10:05
Is this what i have now. This is my choices right really debris it is depressing and especially if you wanna flirt with younger guys are if you wanna open yourself up to that world. There are people that like older people that are women like older men are men over women are up there so you just got union. I feel like we complain about the dating apps but the dating apps are just a tool you either. Use them to your advantage or you don't and for her. I feel like the dating apps are toxic for her. They're not making her feel good about herself so she should remove herself. Get herself out of that environment and go out and meet people in real life because ballet he's hilarious. She's off charismatic. She meet men just finding real life year but you can now that we have an assembly real life coming back now do that and she should wink it. Everybody come on what's wrong with winking. Everybody likes to be wink wink at us. Send us a wink emoji on instagram. Another all that if you can wink wink wink. British accent guy. You don't be thrown winks out. It's one i not both is. I don't blink and people read it. Remakes read it remix. My fiancee bought my engagement ring on groupon and they don't know how to feel about it. Hey guys to my fiance. And i have been together for about two and a half years. Right around. New year's he proposed both live paycheck to paycheck. Our parents are incredibly generous. Planning on paying for the majority of the wedding. The problem is that he got my engagement ring on groupon for twenty eight dollars wad when you read the price. It makes it so much worse. It's lovely to look at three diamond ish stones in a row fish. Okay a silver colored band but it's two sizes too big and turns my finger green. Come on i love it or just buy a new one in the right size since that would probably make more sense given the price of the whole ring but who knows when that will happen. I had told him before he proposed. Since we had talked about marriage that i would never want him to spend a crazy amount of money on of engagement ring. While this was in the context of people paying five to ten thousand dollars for one. Which i think is ridiculous but i guess i just thought the symbol of our everlasting love would be a little more significant. I feel like a jerk for being bummed out about. It would love some feedback. Oh my god. I mean i just kept thinking like maybe. It's not a diamond ring. But i didn't realize her finger green no no and how did she find out. He bought it on group on. I wonder if he confessed. Yeah he told her. This brings too big and it turns my finger green. Where'd you get groupon back to the jeweler. No no refunds groupon dish dish. Three sort of. That's insane you could feel bad about that. I wouldn't mind it. I don't hold any credence in that kind of stuff. Diamond rings or whatnot. Feel like it's all sort of arbitrary but you know people put their feelings into things like this the end of the idea of having a big wedding very important to some people. It's not something that i really care about but some people do and so if you have a nice engagement ring when you're living paycheck to paycheck might be like something that's aspirational and so that's where in my head. I'm thinking like just don't do it yet. Just don't get married yet if you don't have the money to get a ring and he's gotta go dumpster diving than it's like. Maybe you're not ready. Because i feel like the entire idea of wedding when you put an if you put a number a dollar amount on the wedding night and your marriage as a whole and you can't reach that independent if you can't do that yourself too. If you together with your finances can't do that. Then your just not ready to get married doesn't mean you're not ready to spend your life together. You're just not ready to get married. That's all that means. And so i think it's okay to be bummed out about it but i think this should be. You're like wake up moment to be like. Oh we don't have anything to be able to pull this off. Yeah it sounds like a classic case of miscommunication twenty dollars.
01:10:05 - 01:15:12
Routes i don't care either. Yeah you don't care. I don't care i don't care if i thought a five thousand dollar wedding ring would be too much. I do something in the hundreds. Or i'd find a gold band or something significant something that had some sort of meaning as opposed to like. Well this looks like a wedding ring. That's the thing. I want to know what she communicated to him. Exactly i been guilty of this. I don't care about valentine's day. We don't need to go out for dinner. I don't you. Roses comes valentine's day nothing happens. I'm like why did he do anything for valentine's say i think a lot of women have what we call it. Cool girl syndrome we to be cool about it. Like no big deal. I don't need a fancy diamond ring. I don't need a fancy wedding but internally were kind of saying i still want something that's meaningful. I do want a diamond or do want something to symbolize long lasting love. Some men can take all of that very literally and maybe he just heard. I don't really care about arri to skim your ring okay. Then i'll get you a ring. He didn't go to walmart at least he research and he went on groupon financially responsible. I will also say it could be a lot worse. I had a friend who got married to someone who he spent ten grand on her engagement ring breed after they got married. She inherited all his debt. The man was fifty thousand dollars in debt. So not only paying off her engagement ring she was also paying off his student loans. She's also helping pay off all the dates. He had taken all the other women out on because he lived this very lavish lifestyle to be a lot worse. Wow yeah that's a good way to put it lisa. Just turn your finger green. That's some bad children. Yeah no not silver. That's yeah but how does he know. though i do. Men know that bad quality rings can turn your fingers green. I don't it okay. I used to wear rings. Get her you know when it's cheap it does turn your finger gre- maybe some. I always giving people benefit doubt. Maybe they just had no idea. That was a really good deal. Looked pretty sparkly. Got enough every boy has had some kind of toy ring. The put on the made his finger green. Yes superhero ray yup yup. I don't think you're ready. You're not ready for it through that ring back at him. get me three diamonds. give me one diamond. Don't get me diamonds. You work and everybody find your stuff. They can go to dateable. Podcast dot com. That's where everything is and they can also find us on instagram. At dateable. podcast awesome. You want to support us. Go to patriots. Dot com slash. Dpd bff podcast. Follow us at dt. Bff podcast on instagram. You can also email in the show at dtn. Podcasts the gino dot com. And you can call in the show. Was that number pat. That number is three two three three seven nine. Five five or four. And don't take bullshit from fuckers. Malcolm pay their like the show. You can find. Bonus episodes and more at our patriotic at patriot. Dot com slash. Gt bff podcast. And then read the show five stars on itunes because it's the right thing to do all music by the reigning monarchs produced by patrick kelly. Dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more. podcast you'll love at frolic dot media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation. I follow us on instagram. Facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable. Podcast tag any post with a hashtag. Stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those post then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well. As articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums for also downloadable for free. On spotify apple podcasts. Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable at fedex. We're making lower emission vehicles our priority because earth is our priority. Our goal is to be carbon neutral by twenty forty. We call it priority earth fedex. Were now meets next. Your a works overtime all summer. So be sure to replace your old air filters with new filtered air filters they recommend updating h back filters at least every three months all year round so order your filtered air filters today dot com.