BONUS: Everything you need to know about dating on 'The Wise Woman Podcast' with Erin Rachel Doppelt

00:00:00 - 00:32:30

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.Although  season eight has come to an end it doesn't mean that they're welcome to the first several bonus episode for you not remember the episode china is a season eight episodes aired told the full of why women talk about my dating eastern and western practices aaron had a podcast checkout this episode of the wife and the podcasts at walter other episode teachers supporting women don't show up to their feminine authenticity intensity and i know you will have to be a woman digging out of the knowledge bombs are nasa to say hi everyone and welcome to wiseman podcast featuring leading voices in twenty nineteen supporting women just show up connection there feminine authenticity and truth i'm your host aaron rachel dopp help bringing lights in the marriage between eastern practices in western psychology bunker junior show up for yourselves and the world around you made a senior time to shine may show up i'm super pumped about today's guys we have uae and julie from data both podcast which is an incredible podcasts it opens up about candid conversations about modern day dating high friday hi how are you how did start data oh boy date of all because i moved to san francisco three years ago and julie had already been here for like eight years at that point or something and i had never seen the dating scene like that for so julie like why don't we just make a dating podcast out of it and are first season win basically all of her friends were guess telling us about their dating stories and we realized there is an opportunity to open up a conversation about dating not just giving advice or to you know everybody like complains about dating or talk about how petite they are but we wind up platform where people can actually share their stories end crowdsource advice and i think what was really interesting restarted with the san francisco lens 'cause were from here man data here but what we've realized 'cause we've been doing this now for three years and we've quickly realize that pretty much like people no matter where they are face the same challenges it's a little nuance depending on where you're city is like there's different things that come up like we heard from a pass guested ellie for example a lot of people don't date because it takes forever to get to a t because of traffic and such and the quality of life is so amazing that sometimes they're like why would i strive for two hours when i dislike sit on like rooftop bar and just like chill and hang out right so they bury and i'm sure chicago has its own slew of challenges as well but i think over arching things that we've seen really kerry throughout all of modern day dating depending on wherever you are in danger big cities mhm i think dating today is such a fascinating conversation and it's amazing the whole podcast focused on what are some of the craziest stories that you've heard oh wow where even start you know after doing the show your barometer of what's crazy has changed like you'll be like actually's didn't think that was crazy before now i think it's crazy or vice versa so we touched on a lot upon kind of outliers or fetishes or there maybe something that's just like out of the ordinary so we talk a lot about nontraditional non monogamous relationships end at the beginning of this the first season i think i would have said those were crazy stories but now we've done so many of them they're kind of like status quo and i think we've realized that there's like no run right wage a date like earth start at this i think are stories were a little more like basic they were like the basic dilemma is that you face as a data and we've really expanded to like what is out there and all the different ways like one thing that comes to mind is we had a diaper fetish podcast but at the same time like that's what's like working for her that guy that's what turns a mom like that's amazing i don't wanna say that's a crazy story but i think going if you're not a customer custom and you're more in this mindset of just like a traditional view that could come off as a board unique story an aaron we've also touched upon just like non traditional relationships so we had polyamorous marriages we've had triad add cup or i guess they're not couples are triad relationship a we also went to a sex party where we audio recordings did add don't we interviewed a lot of couples there that could be a crazy one but from all of these crazy stories everyone find something very relatable and something very actionable at they could take away yeah i think it's also like a crazy story spy like more of a traditional dating story we had one a girl that went on a date andrews i think it was like her third date with the sky and it was kind on edge to go in the first place but then when she showed up they were kind of butting heads like not getting along very well end at one point she went a piece of the he needed to use the bathroom and then she was waiting for him to come back shoes like eating her corn dog is that like a like food truck place in then like ten minutes goes by twenty minutes goes by and she's like what the heck is going on the cheap tax him and he's like sorry i actually had to leave like he just got up in bailed all right in the middle of the day and never came back we lovingly all the bathroom bail the bathroom down that's interesting all my clients when they signed courage all my clients who are single to to date i think if a goal of your's is to get married and have children guess what honey like you gotta get out there and you gotta get going you gotta go on dates and whether that's online dating or really talking to somebody at a bar at the grocery store it is absolutely essential courage all my clients to pray before they swipe like really like that grounded on who you want like what you're looking for what you most desire and then when i have my clients come to me and they say aaron i went on the worst day i tell them to bail leave leave if it is not have mascot fair time get out of there yeah i think that's a really good point 'cause i think that's something that we've realized from doing this podcast like i mentioned there's no one right way today a diaper fetish for one person might be a total sorry off where another person it could be a turn on like you just don't ever know so i think it's like what we realize is like getting in touch with like what you actually want what you actually need and like be controllers her own mindset that's kind of what we've learned is like just continuously we may hear crazy dating stories stand the spectrum but that like persistent every single episode an errand freer clients who go on these crappy dates and they may feel fatigued or they may feel like they wanna give up i think what why we're so passionate about data bowl is because it shows that were not alone in this so everybody feels like they're kind of dating stories are so unique to them while they're not if it's happening to you it's also happened to thousands and millions of other people so it's kind of nice and know that that you're not in this alone i think that's actually a really good point to is one of the things that were both were two women and i'm assuming a lot of people don't listen to the wise woman podcasts are also women's one of the things that surprised me is how much men actually have the same struggles and think similar two women like i remember like back in the day when i was like heavily dating like agonizing over text messages and like thinking about things and i'm like no guy ever thinks this much about dating and they do in we've heard a lot of that is not the case whatsoever so i think the more people we heard from the different perspectives we've heard is like oh skiing like empathy so like if someone's not responding you're taxed it might have nothing to do with youth and it might not be the they don't like you were there blowing you offer whatever it may be like there could be something goes out of their life at that moment so it's it's kind of taught us to like think about the other person in like what they could also be thinking mhm there's so many different things they could be thinking yeah dating in twenty nineteen what you you personally in your life how is dating frio or are you still dating yeah i mean i think right now i would say actually a tribute my situation to the podcast i think like forever i thought very like more traditional like i my state and then we must be in a relationship i guess not traditional but linear end we actually had a podcast episode where we had a couple that had long distance dated for quite some time and it kind of started off as something that wasn't necessarily like were gonna be in a relationship are gonna find all the rules from day one kind of just falls over time and they let it just like naturally unfolds a bit more so i was recently kind of in a situation where the guy who is dating had to go back to the uk because of the visa issue in instead of decided to end it like were kind of like let's just stay in each other's lived like we know we enjoy each other's company like let's just see how this continues to unfold gets know each other better and i think there is a point in my life that i might not have been necessarily is open to explore something like that so currently right now you're in a long distance relationship yes i think for me what's changed a lot in the last three years is in the beginning i thought there would be set dealbreaker and if he's not like this or does this or says it over and i have to get out of it and that's not how relationships operate and i think right now i'm in a situation where i am in a relationship with someone who is divorced and were trying to navigate through what that means means emotionally end what that means for him an for me him starting over and him immu trying to deal with this quote unquote baggage but it's not necessarily a dealbreaker i think they're actually know a lesson if it harms you were art any actual deal breakers if two people are willing to work through something together went healthy and loving communication you can pretty much get through any of these dealbreaker it's how you set out for yourselves before right and i think that's actually a good point chusetts like i i also thought that it's like oh well if they aren't exactly on the same page is me at the exact same moment or they don't think the exact same way at the end of the day to people's wives kind of coming together whether that's a relationship or just want to eat it doesn't necessarily been matter so it's like just because you're thinking one way they may not be thinking that way at all and it doesn't mean they don't like you they don't care for you all that like those are just the stories that we tell ourselves like obviously if you're not being treated well that's another story but i think a lot of times a lot of open conversation proceeds shannon just like i know it sounds cliche but lake communication is everything right so it's like you could just have the conversation and so we could see where you're coming from and is willing to work with you and you're willing to work with them that's kind of so much more than just like they beat the check every box and they are exactly what i thought checklist it's so interesting how every person that you meet has a different understanding of you so the way you're moms sees you versus the way her ex boyfriend sees you or the way that you're teacher in second grade sees you is different than the way romantic partner you're currently dating sees you and when you go when you first day this is something that one of my clients she has incredible job in chicago she's one of my clients i see in person i should just deep for she's really into an interesting and engaging in charismatic really good energy to be around whenever she goes on her first day she comes to me and says aaron i don't understand i'm authentically myself like i put my best foot forward and i don't understand how the person i'm going out with on the first date doesn't see any how my boss sees me or my coworkers needing when nibbling seeming and it's this idea that everyone around you has a different vision of you i just had a weekend again twist my sorority sisters from undergrad and we all met up in dallas and we were talking about all the people we knew in college and how we we see them in the past an like one of one of her friends from college is going into politics and the way that we see her is drastically different fan who she was when she was in college and how these visions of people change over time that's such a good point because something we've also learned from are podcast is in dating we also spend a lot of time trying to win someone over trying to get them to see you the way that you're boss cc or you're moms easy oaks and if you feel like you have the for someone to see you and crecy of you that way you're with the percent the right person will see you for who you are but on the flip side of that is for somebody just see us for who we truly are we also have to be really vulnerable in how we presented herself sometimes maybe because someone doesn't see the way you wanna be seen is because your creating that barrier we are not revealing yourself you're not showing the layers of who you are so it's twofold but perception is huge when it comes to dating yeah we actually did an episode of the season opener this year that or recently ever season eight run a season and we had a guy that has been hundreds of first gates that never seem to go anywhere so we did what was called the exit interview like you would do at work where you would call like you would meet with someone understand why things didn't work out so we called five of his past first states to understand from their perspective why it didn't work out an i don't wanna reveal too much i but i will say like it was so fascinating like his perception versus there is like it was totally different and there many instances where the women like where more than open to go on a second date with him i think like four out of five were in the fifth one would like ami edge yeah he assumed that none of them wanted to go on a second date so it's just like such a difference of opinion i think it's so interesting like what you're perception is that how others view things absolutely self esteem harry showing up fair solving hurry presenting that air first date and that's the greatest thing i mean we we all know the quote but you gotta first love yourself before you love others and i actually i have a podcast where we touch on some of these topics will develop a couple of weeks ago she brought in some great advice you said you're never gonna say the wrong thing to the right person minds will come to me and i'll say on this first day i brought up my student loans or on the first first date i talked about high with vegetarian or on this first day i talked about my trauma getting bullied when bullied when i was in middle school aunt the person i was on a date with maybe didn't like that and the response always says you're highest soulmate the person since then eighty mary and have kids lasser move throughout life west you're never gonna say the wrong thing to them yeah that's a really good point 'cause i'd actually is why thought of this interview because he was the are gas was so fixated about what these women were thinking about him that he didn't even think if he actually liked them right end like it was a more about like how do they feel about me and i think like you brought up a point like no one's thinking about you that much like you know like enjoy your day like living her life be present with the person you don't need to over think every last thing you're saying ladies i think with the media and the media portrayal of relationships it's always a woman molding herself to the liking of the man and we need to stop thinking in a way of like how can i change myself today say the wrong thing on the state should i have been more feminine should i have them or opinionated no you have to just be who you are and the right person well like who you are we can't spend live trying to get other people like us 'cause it's never gonna end well we've heard like actually advice to from dating apps founders and people at work there that ashley some of the most successful case studies they have are people that may not have got like tons of matches but were so authentically in like so like had something in their profile that someone could relate to so while they did find like hundreds of potential suitors like the one or two but they went out west where like such a good fit so i think a lot of times we think it's a numbers game and it really isn't it oh absolutely an in on these dating apps it's definitely share inauthentic picture of yourself and say they're asking for something serious i'm looking for my soulmate they be off antic i'm i am more nesia i would say a lot of my clients are more spiritual based firm i want i want clients and even this week alone i have to clients coming to me straight for ceremony and you know my background the proper clinical psychology and and bringing a lot of living in india living in the middle east in these eastern practices so i think it's women coming over were doing deep spiritual work and were using all of are sent this to really ground an connect to what we most desire and what does it feel like to call all in this highest romantic partner and it's so fun to just you know i see my chicago clients in my apartment to be in my apartment aunt play all the music light i'll be in science drying coloring connect and saying an own and bringing all the prayers and highest gratitude just sit in the feeling is if you already have the highest romantic partner you are listening and you are interested in calling in you're your highest soulmate sit in the feeling is if you already have it see what it feels like to be in an energy and then you knowing you're on a date if this is the right energy you're trying to call in the quick yeah life hijacked for sure i love that because we talked about the checklist in the beginning and i think a lot of people approach dating with a checklist i'm looking for abmc but the checklist should really be a list of feelings you want to feel from that person how do i want to feel in the most loving healthy relationship and that's what you should be going after not six five and the financials job in whatever six five all you can't win if you're six five either and also were you trying to please just yourself free china pleaser parents i mean this is right yeah you're trying to date just jewish are trying today just like today just ginger is i mean it's really that point that we've actually seen come up a lot is like a lot of are dating beliefs are actually things that we've learned from are owned past we actually had a couple that are now lesbians together as both of them were always taught like you must find a man in like get married there like this isn't working for us like one young what's wrong with me and eventually they're like there's something wrong with me i'm just not like this isn't the only moles and i think like especially with the change of our generation like my parents like sometimes it's really easy to be like well this is what i kind of know that i like an all this but it's it's like we've kind of been like why like why do you like that in challenge that a little more like is it because you really do genuinely like that or if someone told you that society told you right so what about you what do you like hey ready to take a break so against be some serious truth about melting good during the hot summer months it's not an easy task but native deodorant steps up to the 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about you both what do you like i liked the mall of i think like someone that is just like a kind soul like i know that sounds like general but i think like someone super authentically like the guy wit now like you can't lie to anyone and i love that like 'cause i know like you just like literally doesn't have a bone in his body that could tell a lie and i think that is obviously a huge character trait on i think just someone that you can like generally generally like get lost and their presence like you're not checking your phone all the time you don't know what time it is like you just kinda just talk for hours about anything and everything that's what i look for i look for someone who's just been through it through some really tough life milestones who's been through the trenches all in the name of love and i think that person is the one who has done a lot of personal development yup that's the person who has a lot of self awareness and who is willing to work with a partner on getting twin end goal altogether and that person also brings in a lot of baggage and that is okay let me and i think it'd be entered the dates you it's like we always have this debate like is it timing or as a person and all of that like i think there needs to be an element that both parties are ready or at least have the same level like again there's not one right relationship like what works what people might not work for another two people so if you talk once a week that could work is one of the both of you are on the same page or maybe it's like your so ingrained in light each other's lived and you're taught like everything you do is in lockstep like whatever that may be i think like you just need to find someone that's on the same page with absolutely i always think my mom always told me that she envisioned being with like a big man i always thought it was so it was so interesting because i you know i i i didn't you know i did some you know taller men in my life and then you move to india and been there that tall so funny my fiance right now he's very tall and he's brought in his harian you could just like dive into it and it's so comfortable and i wonder how that was something i learned from my mom like because oh yeah yeah absolutely i totally see that with my clients i totally see that with myself like you hold the vision that i think you're lineage teaches you to a big hairy mad and that's what i got a i think there's definitely truths about 'cause like i think for years he's like i had a vision of like who that person was and i don't think i actually have of a physical type that's like that carries over every single last person but there are traits of it andrew that definitely came from my upbringing so i think in general try to just be a little more open about like what i find attractive whether it's like someone i date or not unlike in where where's where's that coming from like is that really how it is how i feel or is that because i've been told to feel that way and make it even go a step further further of talking the strength of dating somebody different i do a lot of reaction in the middle east so i even had a friend who he was palestinian and he lives in west banker palestine and he was dating and israeli girl who lives in jerusalem is like are love it's literally forbid yet are family has met each other and because we are together end in love and were trying to figure it out now our family is known israeli who wants peace or her family knows palestinians to one piece and that's the power of of this conversation of dating and romance and highest love totally love the unexplainable we have feelings for people that we can not explain there's no formula for if there was a formula love for it dating apps would have been like a billion dollar company by now but that's the beauty of love to it so unpredictable and that's why when you're saying aaron get your clients out there dating that's when you find out what you like what you gravitate towards and you only know what you know wrote only they're dating do you find out be unknown and then you get accustomed to like kind of like this yeah and i think like the pushing you to go a little further like date that person that you typically would have written off and again like you said if you went on a day and it just wasn't feeling well like don't continue that's not really a good use of time for you or the percent but you may be pleasantly surprised to and like you maybe like not necessarily omitting people for no reason and i think also honor the seasons like i just got a text message from my friend do i go on a state or do i go to the gym in like like these these simple things like do i go on the state or do i take a nap i got my healthcare do i show up and if it's wintertime and it's called show out watch netflix be gentle if it's summertime and get out there like this is when people get out into the world you're naturally have higher energy ceo's breathing around you and conversed actually being that's a really good point 'cause we have a lot of people that come to us and they were like very frustrated by dating apps apps and dating in general and a lotta times are vice is like take a break like yeah you show up and you're energy is negative in your leg or like no don't wanna be there like that's gonna come off just someone so it's kind of like a waste of both of your time yeah we actually have this one guy that was so down on data like i like literally about to give up in retirement you took a break we talked to him probably like i dunno like six months later and he is like super committed relationship now a moving in with his girlfriend maybe longer the six months but it was a decent amount of time the he did take that time for himself and then got rejuvenated every energized and then was able to meet that person i think you just have to look at dating as a as dynamics form so you're you either are dating someone like another human or you're dating yourself so when you take a break from dating other humans you're dating yourself you ever stop dating you're still taking yourself out a nice eight you're exercising self care you're complimenting yourself make yourself feel good and that's when dating become very enjoyable because no longer is about being fatigued and data 'cause you're dating all the time yeah and i think it's also interesting we've had a lot of different approaches today on the show like we had one gas that was a dating experts talk about how you need to feel you're a man subtle oh yeah you needed to have like tons of guys in rotation at all time the case one drops on you're kind of has been all that and how linear dating is detrimental 'cause you waste time in i personally i'm like oh i love that idea and then i tried it and i was like i am not cut out for this at all like i just think like for me i felt like to guilty and like authentically that so it's like one of those things like i think you need to know you're solving i think it's really great here how various people approach dating in that be open to testing but then also like do what works is what's authentic for you that is amazing man found out that it's just on one of our most popular episodes wow oh wow you'll send it to me i'll add it in the foot now from w i think that's absolutely incredible i i think i encourage the men's final i think i know so yeah you my best friend like they absolute light in my life my my soul sister she she's she's dating right now and i said to her you know go on a date to stay and then maybe grab a dessert with somebody else also on thursday and then like if you're free thursday like see what's going on she's like aaron i cannot even hold one guy like process one guy like how could i process three guys in one week and i think you're right like be gentle distilled the bill batman funnel how brilliant and i love that i think again it all comes down to you and you're personality but i think being open to it like maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised if something willer will work for you on the only way to find out fabulous thank you both so much and for our last question shana putting you on the spot if you had all their ears of the women in the world what wisdom would you want to share with them oh wow so my eyes of a a i i think the wisdom i wanna share and this is something we've experienced when we are in a situation where it's all women were talking about dating is that we tend to man bash because wine it's how we see it in media into is just that one thing we go to automatically all men suck they're no good men out there they're all taken or gay we say the same things over and over again and i would just say to everyone who's feeling that way next time you hear your girlfriend saying that just push back a little bit and say ashley they're great men out there we see examples around us all the time they're also trying to figure out to ashley men habit very complicated right now in today today's of environmental they are so confused about how to approach approach dating how we approach it from a more loving way reich like we should instead of bashing them we should bring them into the conversation some isolating them we be more inclusive i'm gonna take this question a totally different way maybe more like a person i totally a hundred percent agree with everything you just said i think that is huge in a specially like well people are dating like to remember like they're going through it to what they're doing may not be intentional it's like everyone's trying to figure shit out basically but i think the other side of it too is like for women like they could i mean i think finding love is like probably the best thing that happened just my personal opinion the only good thing in life but i think it's like one those very magical like the one of the best things but it's hard and it's like you have to go through a lot of shit defined a lotta times and i think like a lot of like there's times that i've been here to it's like when things don't work how like you tend to get really down in like think this is like the end of the world could kinda got a glimpse of what that may be a but i think just having trust in the process in like having faith that like things are gonna work out the way they were meant to be like the faith in the hiring universe or however you want a spin it like 'em and i think just looking at everything from a growth mindset and know that could be really tough especially if you're in the thick of things like not going your way but like i think i think courage like everyone whether it's like getting over major heartbreaker like just going on of deep didn't go anywhere like what is the things i've learned from this like what am i gonna take the next person what i like no about myself or change about myself whatever that may be in like just using this is like you're own journey i think think like we've realized everyone on are podcast is gone through their own journey including are solves and that's what makes like you you end i get to you like to kind of that end 'em love that hopefully you'll find yeah yeah so you age julie thank you so much for this conversation thank you for being here thank they're great everyone plays comment below what has dating shown you about yourself what in this podcast served you as always the podcast we need high ratings subscribers and comments received good standing as you continue sharing wise words at the seminar women around the globe so please comments subscribe rate us we love hearing from you big love and looking forward to chatting next we have a good one once it continue the conversation first cousin any postive hashtag stay debatable that head on over to our website data old podcast dot com there you'll find all the episodes as lois articles videos and are hosting services which vetted industry experts you can also find are premium why series where we analyzed and offer solutions some of the most common dating connect without find daily podcast on facebook instagram and twitter were also downloadable

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