We're sharing all our insider secrets as we reair our episode with the founder of Coffee Meets Bagel, Dawoon Kang on their podcast 'Save the Date' and talk about navigating everything from dating apps to dating fatigue
It's harder to move matches to IRL dates more than ever but that doesn't mean we don't have tons of insider secrets to share as we reair our episode with the founder of Coffee Meets Bagel, Dawoon Kang on their podcast 'Save the Date' and talk about navigating everything from dating apps to dating fatigue. We discuss when it's time to move the app to text message, how to transition from texting to a phone or video call, and why it's essential to have conversations so we aren't so fixated on profiles.
Follow Dawoon @dawoonkang and @coffeemeetsbagel and check out the CMB podcast, Save the Date on Apple Podcasts or your favorite podcast player.
Thank you to our partners for this episode:
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BONUS: How do I turn a Match into an Actual Date? w/Dawoon Kang of CMB's Save The Date
00:00:01 - 00:05:01
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
Welcome to another episode of dateable. Show all about modern dating as we are wrapping up our off season with these bonus episodes. It means we're ramping up for season. Thirteen which means ramping up for another season of digging into the y. Y whys of people's behavior but in conjunction with that we give you actionable. Takeaways wants you figure out why people do the things they do and say the things that they say. So it's basically the why why. why and the how. How just rolls off your tongue right. Sounds like a great school song with the why. why why and how. how how. it's definitely should be an episode of schoolhouse. Rock's i could picture it now. This is modern with in eggplant. Yeah the peaches like the y. Y y and the how you and i have a dream to create a peach at eggplant animated series silk blow probably puppets that could be like our shift so we can like record together. You could be the peach. I could be the eggplant. Or i'm open to switching to if you want to do i'm open minded. I can not. I'm very. I should say i give me the peace. Do you really like. yeah someday. that's all around and some days. I feel hard so but they should have a consistent voice and towed. That'd be really funny. If people could envision this now with our voices. I guess people don't see are faces anyways so it's not that different. I do think it's a great idea. We can make a children's book. The opportunities are headless. Yes parents would hate us. But i was just thinking all the parents listening right now. They're probably like how do i preordered. Ariza you don't have to have the birds and the bees conversation with your anymore. He'll do it for you. Yeah so that's what we're going to quit this podcast to do. We're starting in a sex. Ed company starring the page and the eggplant. We can keep the podcast. It could be a spinoff. We could do both off once your kids. Learn about the birds and the beads. Turn them to our podcast where we think it's it's a. It's a full final full funneled distribution dysfunctional funnel. We'll get you about marketing. Fudd alter don't you worry. You're getting dana. Bill dow that once you have kids. You're ready for this book. It's going to all work out. You know it's not a bad idea because i not a parent. I can't speak for parents. But i would want to thank. You would want your kids to ask you all the stupid questions as early as possible. So don't you want your kids coming to you being like mommy. What's a dildo or a daddy do to sex parties like when they're so that you don't have to answer those questions when they're eighteen. It gets a little embarrassing. when they're young dislike. Yeah they're ignorant. Just have them get all the questions out of the way. I saw talk. You know where. I get the source of all truth. You mean see word. Somehow i got it to get rich quick hacks type take talk channels and there was one all about children's books creating them and putting them on amazon because the the effort is actually quite low. If it's just a counting book. But i don't think anyone's going to be in this niche so we could totally own the adult children's content don't made it outfielder reate adult children's books. I need adult supervision to read. Yes rated our children's books that's an oxymoron or it's it's got hit a messages for the adults that the kids might not on. Spongebob right ish. The simpsons ash. You know my parents never let me watch the simpsons because it's extremely raunchy inappropriate but you ever picked up on that when you're a kid i don't think it's mom. Let me watch nine. Oh to know. Oh i never understood why but then i re watched it all with my old roommate at one point and it starts off super wholesome so i think she got when i started. She's like this is a nice wholesome show season two it gets raunchy. It switches real fast.
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People were talking a lot in beverly hills data to another. That was not okay for a child to watch it. My my parents are definitely not like the type that would be okay with that. Was they probably need to write a wholesome first season to sell the show and once they get you hooked. They're gonna fuck. It's the same thing with energy drinks. They get you in without wholesome packaging. This will help you study better but once you're hug to you're like oh where's my folks. We were talking about four loko this weekend actually Back in san francisco after big up the east coast. So it's fun to do that. And one of you and is good friends was visiting and she's gonna be actually seeing you this week so i got her first on her tore and we went out and we were talking about. Four loko came up. She had no idea what we were talking about it. We were all so baffled that she didn't know what for loco wise in that we realized she had been abroad in switzerland. When it was the crazy. I see how she missed. The boat on that cayman went so fast did it was like a legal right by the ants. Will people be kids. Were dying from it because it's the combination of alcohol and caffeine and probably just bad influence. Everybody else around you. But that came and went really really fast. A funny story for you julie. So i was at a wedding this weekend. I don't know if you saw my instagram message. Did did i asked you all about it. Because that wedding looked insane went to a really awesome wedding and we had a friend there who was a guest on our podcast not mention their name. She was anonymous was auto. Yes but it was really funny at one point in the wedding. This man who was a guest at the wedding went up to her and said do you recognize me. And she's like i don't what's your name had this is. My name is where i'm from. She was like sorry. I have no idea. How do i know you. And he's like we went on a date issues like oh. I'm sorry go on. So many days i really do not recognize you. And he's like not only. Did we go on a date but you also call me right after the date and set me up with your roommate. Whom a little bit as she's like. Sorry hustle how does that happen. Julie do you. Do you think you would remember everybody that you've gone on a physical impersonate with. I think i would face wise name-wise maybe name-wise know that being said i definitely have not remember people that i meet a lot. This happens to me. But someone that i sat in talk to for a solid hour. I think i would remember. But i wouldn't put it past me not to so don't want to say pressure also especially if you introduce them to your roommate. Who also went on a few dates with them. I feel like that would be very memorable. You know there's some people i'm try. I don't know why thought of one brand of person came to mind. But i can't visualize them at all so i wonder if i did run into someone if it would schrager for me. I've definitely seen people on the street or coffee shops. Before in. I recognize that i went on a date with them. It took me a little bit too under to place them of where i knew them from mid eventually i did. It has to be in the right context that i totally. Yeah especially the dates. You've been on where it's just quick one and done drink eyeing. Yep yeah those might be hard to remember how. How far are we talking back. When did they go on a deep because if it was five years plus i might not for sure. I think it was three plus years ago. Okay i guess it just depends. The quantity of dates turk going on. It probably depends on. Just how good your memory is. Do you think you would i. I think i would hope that. I remember everybody that i've been on dates with but i haven't been tested either so yeah there could be a chance. I'm thinking of this. One guy on with that lasted. Maybe like forty minutes. I don't remember his name. I think i would recognize his face but it would in the right context so yes i kind of get that maybe at a wedding i would be. It'll be a little out of context for me. Yeah we were just talking about this. Actually this weekend with our fred to town we. She was reminiscing sick about this party that she basically got blacklisted. From because of me and you were there with me. You were there with the you a. You might remember this. Remember the blue angels party which is for fleet week. it's questionable but it's promoting the military. But they have an air show basically for anyone that is in nsf.
00:10:02 - 00:15:04
Do they do that. And other citizens okay so other people might know but what happens in san francisco becomes as big bet that people have people over to their rooftops and wants to air show in. It's a party and this guy invited my friend to his house and she invited me and this was a facebook of it but there were probably at least a hundred people on their hunt. At least it might have even been more. So i invited you a invited. Our other friends and we all came. We brought drinks with us. Yeah we didn't eat. Any of their food always did really as occupy tiny spot of their roof yet. The sky got so upset by it. And he got mad at by fred which i did feel bad about. It was her friend. I didn't know him. So i was trying to smooth it over at the end and i went over to him now. I said it was so nice to meet you. Thanks for having us over. He looked at me and he said i have met you about a hundred times. Are you fucking kidding. He was so insulted. I just made it twenty times worse by say that at the edge and i looked at but i had no idea who he was. I don't recall meeting him once. Yes so needless to say we were never invited back. She was saying that she was like we walked by his house. Which is why it came up. She's said she's she's like that guy will never bite me back to any. We'll also do you remember. I invited someone to. Oh i'm sorry. okay. I'm just going to make a combat if you put a public facebook invite with over fifty people you gotta you gotta imagine that people are going to invite people especially on the day of the year that people are looking in proactively trying to find a rooftop make it private make it thirty people max a set the expectations make sure i've gotten so many party invites that say explicitly. Please do not invite anybody else. This is a closed party or our guest list is maxed out. But don't yeah i agree. Set the right expectations and and we probably should make all these options either but whatever. We had a good time expectations. That is the most important thing in general and energy relationship. Good transitioned to this week's topic. This is gonna be a good while. We're super excited to rear this episode. That we did with the coffee meets bagel. podcast saved the date with dublin. Cain one of the reasons why we love this is because it answers all the questions that so many of you ask all the time in the facebook group. How do i take conversations that happen. Data gaps deter them into ira-. I'll actually meeting that person. It seems like such a foreign concept for whatever reason yes. The online to offline is something that all these dating apps are trying to help out with as well right because if you think about it once you take the conversation offline they can no longer track but they can track the point of wins. Ah conversation is able to go offline. And i think with a lot of these dating apps would they end up seeing. Are these texting black holes conversation conversation activity activity and then absolutely fucking thing and we've all experienced that so when we talk about dating intentionally if your intention is to meet someone offline or meet them online and then take it offline then we should figure out ways and steps to get people to meet you offline and i feel. We've said this before. Not everyone at the worlds of the data world listens to this podcast. They should but they don't so all of you listening right now. Have a huge leg up on essentially. I don't like to call it competition. But it kind of is the way right like other people on the apps. I remember my boyfriend saying that he was he thought i was able to move it offline so well. Compared to other people. That weren't making those. I guess indicators that they wanted to do that and that doesn't mean that you have to make all the moves in plan the dates and do all that piece but just showing interest go such a long way and it makes the other person excited to pursue it. It's a very the western. Culture is very much about conversation and so we are all very good a conversation. I think that's why a lot of you go on great first dates or good enough for states but our culture is not very good at moving things along. I'm sure you've all been on zoom calls at your is where you just dwell on the same topic over and over and you hear a lot of this.
00:15:04 - 00:20:00
I just want to reiterate yes. Let me just say this again. And we do the same thing with dating. We'd love to hear ourselves talk. We love the art of conversation. But we don't know how to move things along so if you are able to do it you are going to be able to apply that skill in every aspect of your life. I think actually the dating world were in now even gives more opportunities to move it forward even if you wanna take it slow. I think moving from dating app tax to a phone call to a video call actually feels like progression so i remember i was talking to one of my best friends and she was saying that she's back in school right now. She has limited time in. She was talking to the sky and she said i might not see him 'til two weeks from now my then the connections gonna die what i said to her. As like there's ways you can keep it moving or feeling like it's moving not to mention since you have limited time you may as well screen really well to see if this is who you wanna spend your saturday night with considering you don't have all the time in the world but they were able to do a phone. Call that in roquette up and then it didn't seem like it was two weeks. It felt like it was moving along and making progress. Progress is key. Progress is absolutely the answer to everything when it comes to early dating. And i live by this roy. I live by the one percent rule every day. If you can make one percent progress in your conversation in your relationship in your conversations that you've had online etc then at least you can move move everything along just one percent at a time and one percent could mean different things to different people but to me a one percent could be like. I reached out with a text message to ask. What if your free on saturday. Where i asked a question that helped me get to know you better just one percent people. It's not that hard and this really directly relates to the that work address right now. Because i think one of the biggest challenges when things don't go anywhere is that it becomes burnout. People wanna see results that's when they stay motivated to keep using apps to keep along the journey because the reality is there's going to be people that flake there's going to be dates. That aren't the right fit. That's just part of the course that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how much self work you've done. That's going to happen regardless it's really up to you of how do i stay. Motivated be knowing. That person is out there to keep going so. I think we should talk about the question. We got because. I think this is super relevant to know all of this. The question is i am tired from online dating. Should i take an dating sabbatical where i delete all my apps. I'm seriously experiencing burnout. And i'm not sure if that's the best way to handle burnout. Well that's a lot of people have deleted their apps over and over again. I wish i could see that stat. The average of on installs from a person's phone in a given year. I would guess. Chew plus when i was single for now like julie you you definitely set it exactly how we've experienced it with all of our listeners. In the data's we've talked to burn out comes from the dating trauma the micro dating traumas that we experience Through online dating when we don't utilize technology to our benefit when we end up being the victims of technology so i don't personally believe on installing. Apps is going to solve your problems Just like if you're having a problem dating in your city and you go on vacation for a week. That's not going to solve all your problems. Either i do think burnout is a mindset so if you can reshift your mindset and think how can. I approach this a little bit differently. I personally think online dating could be approached like entertainment. I've given this piece of advice before carve out one day a week for two hours where you make event and those of the only two hours you can be online day day and make it this thing. You're gonna carve out two hours to watch netflix. You can carve out two hours a week to do online dating to swipe and to message and that way it's something for you to look forward to and not something that's always on demand for you to get burnt out from. I love sunday as the day. Because this one. I saw there are stats that the most activity happens on sunday. You have that as your devoted day. There's a better chance that you're going to get a response. Steer message if that's when other people are on there too. And i think also. What are you doing sunday evening. You're usually just watching that flakes regrouping for the week ahead. Would it be so much better. If you had a date why adopt.
00:20:00 - 00:25:02
I think so but i think it does break by heart a little bit every time when i hear people getting so frustrated that they uninstalled the apps because i truly believe that you just don't know who is the next swipe away. It seems so unfortunate to me that you would let you know some person that didn't respond or you had a bad experience with there are going to be those assholes on the apps like we can't control that it's again. It's not the app it's human nature. There's assholes at bars. There's wonderful people at bars or anywhere life at the park anywhere. So it's the same difference. And i think if the the biggest barrier to finding that person is leading these other people get into your way and we relinquish our control so much to these apps and that's when we have the victim mentality because we are blaming things that are out of our control. We cannot control how other people interact with the apps. But at least you can establish your ground. Rules and expectations like what we talked about earlier with setting the expectations. Would if in your bio you say. I only check this sunday nights. Yeah right yeah and then people will play by your rules. Then they are more They're more willing to be on board with the guidelines you've set because oh this person hasn't responded back because they only check on sundays so i'm gonna make sure that on sunday when i get his or her attention that we have a great conversation. Yup how hot would it be. If you saw someone's profile said what you just said. I only check on sundays but they see something along the lines of. I am really serious of your san yet. I i sink. Dating apps are good avenue. But i also want to balance it with the rest of my life and being president other areas. I love that message on a sunday. I love that. Because i think you don't want someone that's surgically attached to apps either always trying to find the next best thing out there you want someone that's using them as an avenue but also has balanced and other areas. Yeah so that's great. You can establish i am not a toilet. Swipe her i'm not a. I am a sunday night. Eight to size wiper wiper sunday. Swipe ver i love that. Who wants to be a sunday. Swipe i do. I do that. I really liked that. Establishing guidelines and taking control. You're getting burnout because you let yourself get burnt out but you can. You can control this. The app is not the one. That's burning you out as you're doing it to yourself. I think that uninstalled us feel so extreme. It's like those people that are. I'm gonna take a social media sabbatical. I made a video to tell you all. I'm going off social media. Why is that necessary. Just don't check it as much. Those drive me nuts. Who is keeping track. I know i know that. In my calendar you'll be back in two months grape. Just my calendar julie back from her. Social media sabbatical those. Get a device skid. If i ever sundays that might be a dealbreaker for any. I mean it is so extreme and if feels like a cry for help not not in the right way. Also those people who I've actually done this. So i'm guilty when i break up with we're like ending something with someone. I delete their number. But now if i get an like an unknown number calling me your tax then i start going crazy because i'm like oh my god. Is it that guy then. I go back to all my messages. Like trying to find his phone number to match it up. It's so crazy. Just don't you don't need to be that dramatic. Life does not need to be that dramatic right. I mean the only flipside. I'd say sometimes with the example you just gave. I feel like sometimes it's unnecessary so you don't feel tempted so that being said i still think people should try the scale back. Approach i but if you really feel like best thing with your psyche baby. That's when more drastic measures taken but of a cycle of back again off again. That is just toxic to yourself. That's the only press. That's really toxic too so i think if you're really at the breaking point that this is not good for me that's a different situation but go reinstall it in two weeks. That's it that's it. Hope that answers your question for anybody who's experiencing dating app burnout right now. Which we've heard through the grapevine that it's it's many of you right now it's normal. It's normal part of dating and you can either be part of the group that's burning out or you can be part of the group that's empowered and taking control. You know i think this. I hate the word normal but i also love the word doorbell at the same time.
00:25:02 - 00:30:03
I've a love hate relationship with the word normal. I don't like to find the anything as normal. Because i don't think there's one standard but we've heard by so many people say that this podcast helps them feel like what they're going through is normal and i do like it in that sense that it does make you not feel like there's something wrong with you so that's my little one minute rant about thirty seconds donovan. A minute on normal at least what we can provide for people to let you know that you're not alone in any of this anytime you feel like i'll i must be the only one going through this or wise's happening to me just no just you know there are millions of other people going through the same thing. So let's just make sure that we all know that we're not going. We're not alone in everything that we're going through. What else has been going on. I feel like we. We had a hot girl summer for like a hot minute. And now we're back and i feel that people are kind of reverting back to the initial confusion state of dating again of am i do. I feel safe to go out today. Do i feel safe to going out to the bars today. I don't know if you're sensing that julia. I'm i'm sensing that here in. La feel like people are a little bit more cautious now and they're stepping back a little bit but back into confusion land. I haven't noticed it with my friends. That are actively dating or people that i've talked to a separate cisco's one of the fewers is a smaller city. First of all i think is the first city that reached herd immunity. And so maybe the feeling isn't as drastic i know. La put the mass mandate. I san francisco did after to follow suit. I don't know. I haven't noticed as much though here. Okay we will love to hear from all of you. I want to hear from you regardless. But they're couple things one is. Do you think you recognize everyone that you've been onto you. We love hear that pole. You wanted to whole yes. I'm going to do a full. And i'm going to see the more i think about a julie the more leaning towards i probably wouldn't recognize that actually i was judging my friends so hard now. I feel bad for judging her. Because i think i could possibly be in the same boat. Something to put a poll on instagram. And the second a poll. Or i guess. I just wanna hear feedback. Do you feel like you're reverting back to the initial stages of confusion of dating again after cove. Ed and we're just chat with us in general on instagram. We are pretty active on their we. we are very. We're very instagram. Active so We love hearing from all of you there. Yes and another announcement. We are actually changing the structure bit of the sounding board and this is a great way to get all these questions that you have answered. We are going to be changing to a one tier right now. We have three tiers. There's going to be one tier in the upcoming months. I think we're going to start this in september so we're kind of giving a last call out now because the rates will be going up as well so if you wanna get in now you will be locked at the mid tier rates That is the the one that you would join or if you want to be at the upper tier we will grandfather in those people as well. If you are at the eight dollar cheer you will get an opportunity to upgrade but that one will be phased out a bit and what we're doing. i think why we're pivoting. Is virtual events are been amazing but which everyone is dying to get back out into the real world now when this is happening a lot of data questions are coming up and in our upper tier. We offered coffee chats. We've had amazing results with the people have done that. It is transformed the way they view dating the way they view themselves the way they view potential partners. We've seen noticeable shifts in the couple. The when did we launched. Sounding board in november is since november. Some of them have been with us. We've noticed huge shifts from them. So we're hoping to bring this to even more people at an affordable price point so instead of doing our virtual monthly events. We are going to be doing consensually office hours. I hate using the word office hours but sexually drop it that you could ask your questions to you and i we can cut walk you through. You're going we. We piloted this last month on the events and the people that came gave us such great feedback that this help them significantly in their dating relationships. Germany that they're on right this minute so really exciting next evolution of the sounding board. I think that's a great way to put it sounding board to point out where we're going with this so wanted to put this out as a call out those of you wanna get in at the eighteen dollar a month rate and again you cancel at any time. If you're finding like your situation has changed or it's not the right fit you can do it in a year in advance of discount you do not have to so go to dateable.
00:30:03 - 00:35:10
Podcast dot com slash sounding poured locking that rates before we increase the rates in september. Yes yes this is always going to be so exciting. Because you you all knew that we were gonna keep iterating on this concept and we really want to elevate the community aspect of it all so this is going to be that next level of community community building and for us to get to know you all a little bit better too so with that any other announcements. I think that's it. I think that's it just last call out. You can always join our public free group. Love time of corona as well. That is the place to be. So hopefully we'll see all the straggler listeners. They're way over yet. I think that's it. Let's let's hear it from our sponsors this week. I feel like there are a lot of questions around. Cbd and what it can do for you. So i want to clear it up right now. Cbd is natural. It's safe and effective. Recently i was introduced to a cd brand called fields which is a premium product. The helps you keep your head clear and help you feel your best. I find it effective for two of my major pain points. One is a lack of focus and to as low quality of sleep feels offers a guide that helps with dosage for specific goals. So i just take a little bit to help me focus during the day and i take double the dosage to help me sleep better at night since using feels definitely feel a lot less anxiety. And if you're new to cbd. They offer a free cd hotline to help guide you through the discovery process and their hassle. Free membership program offers a money back guarantee. If you don't start feeling your best start feeling better with feels become a member today by going to feel dot com slash dateable and you'll get fifty percent off your first order with free shipping that's f e a. l. s. dot com slash dat ab l. e. to become a member and get fifty percent automatically taken off. Your first order with free shipping feels dot com slash. Dateable okay so shall we turn it over to wounded our interview. Go hi everyone. Welcome to save the day. You're dating survival. Guide from coughing able fable. I'm dial on your host. Ncnb cnbc chief. Dating officer each episode. I bring dating expert. He'd splur- what he takes to go and better dates and ultimately find a great relationship today. I'm so excited to have to. Dating coaches turned dating. Sociologists you issue and julie crap with me today to help us go on better dates you end. Julie are the host of dateable top podcasts about dating love and sex. You end julie. Welcome thanks for having instead wound you so much. We're so glad to be here. I really said if you guys are here and so for today's episode. I thought it would be awesome if we could help. Our daters become better and moving from dating asks to meeting in your life because we're dating the time of kobe and in time of kobe. A nothing this. Because i'm a founder of confidence bagel but really dating ads are like the safest in the most lenient way to be able to lead people. Not only way actually the only Way to actually meet people so it's going to be very impactful for all of our dating lives if we can get better at you know moving from dating apps to meeting in your life which i know a lot of us it tricky so i'm really excited to actually talk about us to okay quickly address. Some dangerous concerned about dating around kobe. Like i know some of the that i speak to they are like okay. You know what. I decided to complete stop dating because i feel like i can't meet anyone right now because of kobe too hard. So why day. Right now. And i heard from your podcast. You guys mentioning that. Actually you think right now is a great time to find love. Why do you think that is now. It's the perfect time when people think about dating it doesn't have to be ira l in fact having an emotional connection overtaxed over video over the phone is just as important as having that ira connection so we think a place like cnbc is the perfect place for a relationship to blossom to develop and then you can take it offline and have go to the next level so now's the perfect time because we're all on our phones for all online. We could all be on the apps and we can spend more time talking to other on dating apps instead of doing the whole swipe culture of who's next snacks next we can spend more time on each person and give the time. Everyone deserves to really find if they are compatible with each other. And i think also people have seen how important relationships are in family and love and what really matters during this time so i say there while there are people you know we always we swear on your podcast.
00:35:10 - 00:40:01
Is that allowing go ahead okay. So we always ask that you realize you just never know the etiquette like we always say that like kobe has cut destroyed. Fuck boys because like the people that just want to get. Some are having a hard time but it's also risen up the people that are serious about relationships. Because like what you i was saying a lot of this is doing the free calls like even if you meet up. We're finding that a lot of peter's in our network they are doing at least one video call or phone call if not multiple before taking that next step so it's a really good way to weed out the people that are unwilling to even do that with you. Also say yeah. That's a really good point. And by the way we're all about showing authentically. That's what i tell my. cnbc all the time. So please swaying your loved the word fuck for us so we got to throw that in at least one interest while you're observing is very very consistent to what we're also finding on our platform we this kobe because people's attitude about dating you know we figure that it's changing constantly. It's everything so new for us. We've been doing regular survey to find out. What is the health people dating right now. And we're also seeing that people are becoming more thoughtful about who they are. Meeting like. Seventy percent of the nba daters that. They're being more open honest with their matches. Sixty one percent of mediators pandemic has made them reflect more about what they're looking for in a partner and you're the ninety percent of our audience. Bagel daters are saying that they're looking for long-term relationship on cnbc which is the highest always focused on long relationship. But this is the highest. We've ever had so. I definitely think if you are one of those people who are looking for something This really is a great time to be dating because more and more people are coming Like thinking the same way so. That's really great. I think it's also important to note that this is what people are reporting so you know. I think shows that people are coming to terms of when they're looking for this game to dig deep and be like. Oh you know what. I am looking for a long term. They're actually admitting that in a survey you're sending out. That's a huge step. Yeah yeah and. I think that maybe because of the rise of these wiping culture and i think there was an element. Like oh it's not cool to say. I'm looking for a long-term radiation ship you know. But you know lov and connection belongings. It's such a fundamental human needs. Who doesn't on that right right. So i think it's really great there now. We're actually like accepting the fact that that's what i want and be able to boko very loudly. I mean i've been actively defeating in the last couple months and using cnbc actually virtual edge super excited about it. But what an things that. I personally have experienced. I know others have to is that. There is excitement to meet up with people again. I think before cova days. Like i know i was guilty of this like i would put people in my phone. I wouldn't even save their contact info. 'cause i was like i may never see this person again. You're essentially walking into a blind date. And i think now like i think you've at least had a phone call at least had a video call like at a minimum and i think there is like this vetting. That's happening like said. I'm definitely not like rushing to meet every last person right so if i can't hold a basic conversation with them like on the phone that's a really great way to know that like this is not worth kind of taking that risk for all the dates like even though even if the date wasn't like fireworks in person i think all of the dates i been on have been actually really great lake in the sense that i've enjoyed the company of the person i felt relatively safe with them because i asked a lot about their like covert behaviors. And also like you know just was taking the precautions on the date. But i think it's like made people excited to meet people again which is definitely a positive. That's really awesome so then let's actually help. Our data is do more of that vast during the art of going from apt to. I r l right now is really key. So what are some things daters can start doing from today to really be better at this. It's not as easy as like one would think no definitely not that easy. I think there are certain. I wouldn't call them rules. But you have to give yourself some guidelines when it comes to online dating. You can't fall into what we call the texting black hole where you just keep saying. Hey how's your day. How's your week going as everything at the end of it. You're like it's we've been chatting for four months and we haven't even that so i think setting up these guardrails for yourself and saying are rule usually is a once. You've learned three things about the other person.
00:40:01 - 00:45:02
It's time to take it offline. once you've learned three substantial facts about that person you can say okay now. It's my time. Who cares who initiates. Let's just throw the generals and all of that out the door. If you are ready to take it to the next level you learn enough about them. Make that initial move. Are you willing. Are you open to meeting up in real life. I really enjoyed our conversation. I think i love to get to know you better in person. So let's talk about if we can move this to enroll yet. I think that's a really good point that you said about like things carrying on for longer and longer virtually because i would say that might be one of the drawbacks to this time. I've personally experienced it. I know many people have to that. You almost get attached to subway that you've never met like. I spent some time in boston over the holidays. So i was like virtually dating people here in san francisco and there was like you almost felt like you knew the person but you never met in an sometimes that buildup can actually not work out so. I think it's a fine line of getting to know the person enough that you feel safe meeting but also not going like extensive times and i think it depends on the situation like if we're in a period i know we come in and out of more like strict times versus not but even just saying like. Are you open to doing video call. Are you open to doing a phone. Call like anything that's progressing it like if you find that someone's does not willing to do any of that then that's a sign too right. So would you say right now. I like the idea of keeping the texting shore because he can do his can drag you. I tex twenty took the forty eight hours on fixing like that. It just any fire that was there just dies in so i like the recommendation of case. Stick to the three things you might wanna find out about this person and then like move it forward and whether it's sensitive berg in right now whether it's phone call or video call or you know if you had enough conversation about sapient whatever meeting in person like it doesn't matter just move it forward like get it outside of like texting channel is what i'm hearing. You recommend a hundred percent. I mean i think you can learn only so much from texting and like we always say to. It's like you can only learn so much from profiles. Dating apps are meant as an intro as you probably know. We are both like very pro dating apps. Because i know personally i've met people that i would never have actually come in contact with if it wasn't for the dating and had relationships with those people but at the end of the day profiles only gonna tell you so much so the faster you can move to some sort of conversation the more info you'll get in you'll be able to see if like this is someone that's worth meeting. I a specific question on the art of texting. So i can add dead. I'm like okay. Hey how're we go. What do i say without sounding like an interview like. Hey i wanna know three things about you right without sounding formal because what makes dating finding is like asif You know things like that. But i think some of us actually don't really know how to bring that side of the us in a text conversation to even like finding that in a playful way a little bit more about this person. So how do we do that. That's a very good question and my answer to you. Some people may not love this. But you have to be honest. If you're just not a good texter save that you can text that just be authentically who you are if you say something along the lines of honestly. I'm really bad at this texting thing. I don't know if i'm doing it right. I don't want to i don't know if i'm overstepping or whatever can we chat is so adorable. Honest right. I think a lot of times people wanna say what's the magic word should be using or what's a phrase that will get her to text me back. There is no magic out there. You have to just be authentically who you are. And if you're just not a very good texter admit that to the person you're texting and then you can move onto a platform that would enable for your authenticity to come out. I think what we also say too is like if you think about what we call the dealer view like the really mad like d. or feels like. You're just getting peppered with questions if you could get some of that stuff out in the initial conversation like from the meaning app instead of spending like the you know like the preserve time on either the phone calls or at the dates are all of that like it could be as simple as just being like. Oh i see that you're from boston. Where did you grow up anything that you could pull out of. The profile is a good way to start the conversation. And then you could also see like. Are they asking you questions back like. How is this conversation volleyball in back and forth like is it a dead end. I agree with you like asking it so like what are three things about you. I had someone the other day. What my five year plan was an yes. I'm like i can't. I don't even know what my five year plan.
00:45:03 - 00:50:02
If felt like. I was on a job interview. Like i was like. This is not a fed off. I do agree the playfulness. But i think like the beginning like through the app. I don't think you need to worry about being super witty or super play falling. You can be the basics. I think really what this is doing is establishing some report. I know especially as women. And i don't wanna speak for all women. I know a lot of women do agree with this. It's a little aggressive. If someone messages you want a dating app in their two hundred video call or do you wanna meet up without saying anything else. And i'm always like Like i ever tons you like. I know nothing about you so i think even just getting the real b. six out of the way it makes it feel like you've had some conversations then when you take it to video or phone then you can just be a little more like natural who radio. I love this tips and you know. I guess if you are one of those people who are not a big fan of tax or not. Just think that you're not good at as you don't wanna do it and you do want to actually ask for core video as soon as possible. I mean to julie's point like if you just ask right away with no context any does it could feel right off pudding. And so i really like what julie said which is just give them. The context are just be honest about where you're either i suck at this. It's kind of funny enduring almost and then you can ask that that way it. There's a reason like the people get like while you're asking a doesn't feel like oh my god is person is just like super board and also how many other people are they inviting. I always think they're willing to go to date with without knowing anything especially type. Yeah like if they don't ask me anything about covert and they wanna meet up a sap. Unlike probably meeting. Up with a zillion other people and i don't want to be part of that. Yeah yeah and julie. I also liked what you said about like that. You're doing on dating apps as soon as you magic is. That's kind of the beginning and you need to actually be able to. There needs to be something interesting going on there in order for things to progress to tax or whatever else and i think using profile as a tool skipped us more talk and have a conversation that elliot's engaging is really a good point one other thing that i liked to add an offense to mediators is if you ask something about profiled like i used to have a photo me at grand canyon and as one of my profile photo and i know they were Endure awhile exact. Worries the grand canyon but like i also got the question so many times because i lot of people. Actually we'll get that in with asking about it kind of got tired of ian lang and it was like i was on autopilot. So one thing that i think is useful to kind of standing out in making the conversation. More engaging with people are not answering same question over and over again if you actually share. Whatever you're personally experienced. I like oh no i went to the trip because then it becomes a very unique conversation for the person who's receiving it. That's i think it's really important to remember. The other thing is like. I always love the tip of like text whether it's text or phone call or video. I think it's it's really create intimacy very quickly view. Almost talk to them and treat them as a friend. I used to yet because i don't hundreds of these clearly but sometimes i would just be like. Oh my god. I had such a crazy day at work. You know and then i would just start there instead of having to ask you questions like. Hey what's your favorite trip. You know and then we would just talk about work and then we will kind of backdrop to hey nice to meet you. Whatever else feels like a lot more natural and again unique conversations. I probably didn't have with anyone else that that person didn't have with anyone else. I think it's kind of important consideration for epa dating of user. Because you know you're you're everybody's kind of matching with william people but it's not just you. I have a very unpopular opinion. But i'm going to share it at see we they cut. If like maybe think of it. Because i agree with you. I think the best seats or when it feels like to friends or just meeting up in a few is very natural in low pressure. I personally hate when people send these like really creative openers. I'm like no idea yet. I know people are always encouraged to do that. In they're always like shamed for saying like. Hey how was your weekend. I personally don't mind the hey. How is your weekend early. Something that like feels just like a natural condo with someone. I've actually sent that to people. And they're like thank you for sending me a basic normal apply to. I would love your thoughts. Because i feel like i'm in the minority for feeling that way but i personally just can't bring myself to make these like super witty conversation starters that either like land flat or people. Just don't reply to like. I don't know at the time around that.
00:50:03 - 00:55:09
Excreted openness are very successful. I know that if you actually ask a question is banned. You're more likely to much more likely to get a response Not question like a statement. The creative part. I'm not really sure. Because that's also i guess could be subjected but julia too. I agree with you. I think you said this earlier like if you are pressured to actually save something we decided than. It's it's just stressful. That takes a really long time. And i'm just going to. Disengage because it's too hard and i don't think we have to approach dating apps that way what i really always as like the most personal is the most interesting. I don't know if you guys saw parasite lender. Paris actually said in what india's also acceptance on academy award acceptance speech. I really loved. And i think it applies to dating so much like. How was your beginnings something that you want to ask. Ask that bad. I think you could make him more personal by sharing yet. Whatever it was going on in your weekend as part of that question because then it's not generic became very unique conversation starter. All of a sudden. Sometimes we lose sight of what dating is what the purpose of eighty the purpose of dating is to find someone you can have a life with and in having a life with someone you would never have these conversations where you have these secretive openers. Every morning hey babe thank blue. Do you like what. I wouldn't just never happened. Naturally but i think if you anytime you can insert your life into the conversation. So they feel they're part of it. It gives a glimpse into what a partnership Look like so one of my tactics with texting. Always i start with an observation that i made on my walk today like yesterday. I observed that my neighbor has a cat on a leash. So i opened with that. I just noticed. My neighbor has a cat on a leash. How crazy is that. How's your day. Then the other person feels like. Oh i i feel like. I'm almost part of her life. Have yeah your creates the sense of intimacy which is really important. And that's that's what kind of makes it fun right like ooh. I just kind of feel close to this person. What war is there right. And it's so easy like you don't have to make up stuff and i get why people give the vice of like be craving whatever because you do want to stand out but i don't think that means you have to say the weirdest thing You just have to share something personal. Yeah i've got in them. And i don't know what to say back via deputy fresher double click. One thing you said is like the question. I think that is so important because i love this period. A statement with a question to like. Take it up a notch. But i do a hundred percent agree that when you don't ask questions allan apps like best aging or text messaging completely dies like in. That doesn't have to be the first thing but like if you're going back and forth with someone and you're asking them questions and they're just giving you sentence replies or like one word answers like that to me i'm like i can't yeah and like for those of us who are doing like the one word answer without really realizing what the consequences like. This is the impact that it creates. Because you're not there to explain what's going on kind of all assume that you're dating and talking to multiple people and so if if it's like a one word answer than i think fair to conclude okay so this person is not interest rate and we've had like 'cause we talk about this a lot in our facebook community from the podcast in one of our member like a bunch of members really but i'm not the type that likes to ask questions like i dislike respond but it's like okay. People don't know that and they are only seeing what you're they're only getting a vibe based on this conversation and most people are going to interpret that as not interested so right while you can maintain that that's totally up to you know the impact has in the perception. It has with people feel like they need a different identity with dating than they do in real life with our friends and you may such a good point. I wound is if you treat people you meet on dating apps as a friend. Think about it. Would you ever answer their tax with a one word answer. No you hear about them and you do want to ask a question back. 'cause you genuinely care about this person so we can kind of marry the two identities of you and your friends and you dating then you would have a just a much more like loving dating experience online because you genuinely care about the people you're talking to. I love that. One last thing about texting that i wanted to ask is and be covered a little bit but i wanna make it really clear because this is something that i get asked a lot and i think a lot of us feel nervous about like essentially coming across weird when we want to make progress to four. I mean it happens. Right like julia. Jim like you ask right away than than there might be off putting so when he's the right time to ask the other person like okay one on either joe phone call or meet up or whatever.
00:55:10 - 01:00:07
When is the right time for me to bring that up so definitely after you've exchange like at least three of those pieces it doesn't be like three to a science but at least like something you're like okay. No like a little basic about this person. Probably like as much as you would know like maybe like a layer deeper than like lincoln or facebook or their profile like you. Maybe the backstory of why they move somewhere or why they do their job but not like crazy info and then oftentimes like the line that i will use to move it on is like oh. This is a lot to tax like. Would you want to talk about this further in person or nowadays on the phone or on video like there's it's kind of like you know i have so much to tell you i just don't have the type texted dollar like this is a lot. And it's an easy way to transition. It and usually like people are also look if they're interested and they want the same things to progress it. They're also looking for a way to progress. It so they'll be open to your advanced there right. I have a very good guy friend who is an avid cnbc. us sergey. Always lets me look at his messages. Because he's like you just get it. We have these great conversations. And the minute i asked to meet up in person. Conversation dies. what's happening. So i start analyzing his messages and i realized what you really need during this time and this is very particular to this cova time is that you have to give people an out. So what you. His messages have been the old ways of when you take things off lines like hey i really enjoy getting to know you next tuesday. Do you wanna meet her coffee right. That's very directed a worked cova. Now you have to give people an out depending on how comfortable they are so his mess. Just can't be that direct anymore. Has to be something along the lines of. I've really enjoy getting to know you. I've loved to progress this to another platform. We can do phone. We can do video. We can meet up in person. Let me know what you're comfortable with. And that gives the other person some options to say. I'm more comfortable moving to video. If you're saying let's take this offline. meet up for coffee. I think a lot of people are a little put off by that were there. They don't know how to respond so they end up not responding at all right. That's a really important point that survey that i mentioned about kobe on how people are dating eighty percent of cnbc actually said it's a deal breaker. If it feels like the other person is not taking colby seriously. It's if there was no conversation around like what are you. What precautions are you taking around. Bid whatever else and you're like straight up asking ya with no outer no context. You could be seen as somebody who's got Taking copays you're not with the letter. Prisons wouldn't know. And so i think that's a really good point. If you wanna talk about meeting up then. I think it's very important to address like. Hey how comfortable are you meeting up laying out like what. What is your expectation as to quarantine and all that stuff because everybody kind of has a different view right now A hundred percent like a hundred percent. I think like when someone just like the rose at out without asking anything it does. The alarm goes off that like. They might be doing this with everyone and they aren't taking it that seriously. I mean it's hard. It's a super hard time. And i think i do believe this is a time to date in meet people. I'm not saying that. But i do think there are some challenges. I think with cove it even just outside the dating meeting up with anyone. It's just makes everything a little harder. But i do think that lake while we're never gonna know people's like safety a hundred percent. I personally like to at least ask and get a feel of their vibe. In like how often they're going out and like even just like basic like work life in lifestyle not saying that there is like a right or wrong but that does tell you the amount of exposure that someone does have they live with other people and again no no right or wrong but you can kind of do the calculation your head is this a calculated risk. I willing to take or maybe if it doesn't feel that way you're like okay. I'm gonna do distanced walk or park date in my mask on versus like they're like i haven't seen the soul in thirty days. You know it depends on then that would raise other questions but really i. I mentioned that this is a very important topic for boost data. So please feel confident about asking and talking about it too so that you can gain comfort around what you want to do with this person. There is this me. I'm going to butcher it but like when all the black lives matter protests for happy day it was like okay now we have to find someone that's like for social justice going to survive at apocalypse. Like all this stuff but at the end of the day like this makes it actually a good time to see their values like if they're not in line with you if they're not open to talking about safety and stuff like that like think about how that's going to impact your relationship beyond just the initial stages i think if anything you're getting deeper glimpse into someone from day one which i think is why.
01:00:07 - 01:05:00
We think that this is a good time to be meeting people. Do you think about it. If this kovac protocol important to you and the person you're talking to weirded out by that you're not a good fit. Don't be afraid of weirding people out based on your safety precautions. Vast should not be a negotiable at all the other person of their weirded out. That's just ersan for you. And i mean i've talked to people about giving like cova tasks like if we were to take things like more intimate and like you know like even touching and kissing first day guessing feels like that was so the norm before cove it. But it's obviously like actually like more dangerous sex right now. It is kinda crazy. But i think it's like if someone they're super excited by you and they're willing to put in the work and the stabs like that's a really good sign that that person is equally as invested and wants to make sure that you're comfortable because who wants to be on a d. If you're feeling uncomfortable the way it's already kind of nerve wracking and the good news is again. Going back to the survey majority of team leaders actions My day at asked me to get tested. I'm willing to get tested. So it's not an awkward thing to ask. If that's what's actually going to make you comfortable and you know. I think again going back to like what sort of admitting your insecurities and whatever else they've i think. If you feel nervous about mentioning you could say hey. I feel a little bit. I don't know nervous woman asking this. It's important to me so i'm going to ask anyway. Just kind of share that and so then again they. They kind of get where you're coming from. I think that makes it a little bit easier to ask also that other personnel context. So that's great. I think also like i've shared with people like hey i am a very affectionate person. Said what i with a partner i do really love kiseka like hand holding it all that but like realistically. I'm just not going to do that. If you feel like like inching backwards nothing to do with you like just the times and i think that actually is what makes dating a little hard like i think some of the the dates. I think it's a little better when things are back open in different cities because it can kind of resemble more of like an old school real date like if you're at dinner or drinks but i think the park dates the walks like i'm a little mixed on them personally from my own experience. Just feel it gets. I mean you could argue with the right person. They could totally be great in. It depends again on your personality like if you were never a drinker to begin with maybe this is like frame for you. You know best states. Ever but i think if you there is a little bit of like this feeling that they are a little awkward especially if like sitting far away from someone lincoln or like walking six feet apart even three feet apart. It's like a little awkward. So i do think it's kind of like balancing the two but it. It's a good way to at least see if there's anything there i think if there is anything there then maybe you can do a covert test the next time you a little more like just normal date. Yeah and this is why julie wears gloves to every date now without graciously one beluga love is fine. Actually you make really good point. Which is i guess. Because we're taking precaution rate. The other person could take that as like of this person doesn't seem that interested in ne- right because we're we're reading like every whatever signal is being sent like whether you intended or not like bureau august kinda read trying to read be. Don't really know each other that way i'm bert. Rarely do extra articulate whatever barrack should including in so it's kind of coming back to this like sharing more a gift you share like. Hey it's nothing to do with you. I'm just being a little bit. careful. I have the context. I'm going to like okay. It's not me that she's trying took away from it. We've a statement quarantined from fuck boys. That's been march with at one of the things that i've also alerted. I like have this one situation where it was like turning a little sexual but like i don't know if like still kind of feel out but then i basically said like hey like the first date i i'm not gonna kiss you even if i'm like crazy about you in then. He kinda like ghosted. at unlike. Maybe this was actually a good way to spend with someone. That wasn't really like for taking it slow. Yeah yeah. I love that because it's like weeding out and also takes the pressure off because you don't have to think about it like read kissing or not but we fight on kiss. What is the president of thinking. Whatever else that you don't have to worry about the just get out of the way that you can just focus on factual date. Yes nothing sexier than someone telling me that they wanna kiss me but we can't kiss. That is so sexy.
01:05:01 - 01:10:00
I wanna see them again and that tension is there and we don't get that with modern dating pre kovin. 'cause you wouldn't say that you would just do it so it's almost nice to have that delay right are there is a dark side but while we're on the topic of kissing the dark side i've noticed in a lot of people friends of mine and i don't know if community members have expressed this as much but i've seen this like with friends and myself is that there is a cohort people out. There that are dislike so cooped up you know from being like celebrate for basically like almost a year and they are just kind of like out there trying to get some. And i'm not saying everyone is that way but i think there are certain people that like you need to understand intentions and maybe you're realistically donkin no it. It's like people can always at any point of the relationship process or dating or courting whatever decide it's not a match so it might not be that they were like using you for you know they're like quarantine buster but i think like one of the things at least i've set as a rule for me is that i don't want to like get intimate with someone even kissing if i only see them one time in one time to me also means one time in real life. I've noticed that some people also count the phone and video calls to me. That does not still does not count. It's like a pre date. So they're like yeah. We've met like five times. And i'm like no. This is the first match. And i'm not there yet and i think like i've made that conscious role in like yes agree. No there's no stopping. Like if i did it on to from them disappearing. I think at least i would know that like okay. We both kinda give this a shot versus. Like i was only here for one thing right and i love that. You actually have like a philosophy. Your personal philosophy usa for your softens kind of sticking to it versus kind of going with whatever dating leased put out there. And i think that's a really good actor said about of us can engaging. Just think about okay. What is the the basic dating principals. That i want to stick with. You can change it anytime that whatever. We're you but i i love that you have that So going back to the texting phone call video copies like a very important element of dating right now for those of us who so. I'm saying i really want on progress to maybe phone video call. I've never done it. And i'm like really afraid that it's going to be weird like what if i don't have anything to say. It's going to be like awkward silence or something like any tips for those of us. Who are kind of wanting to engage in video by like are feeling nervous about it. Yeah it's i just know that it's gonna be weird on video data. They're like this is natural banners knowledge. That you're gonna feel weird. A second also acknowledged some the positives. I think it's always good to focus on. What are some of the the things you can do over video. you can't do in real life first of all. I don't wear pants so that's like a positive for me. I could be super comfortable from the waist down. I can be at home feeling safe and cozy and warm. I can take a shot of tequila before like a few seconds before i get on the call is awesome. I'll never be late for video date. I haven't i'm for your now. I don't really have an excuse to be late for the day. And there's some of the other ways. I think people can just practice for me. A monsoon calls day in day out. So i feel like. I'm accustomed to it if not your day to day. Maybe you want to practice with friends. Just get on video calls with them. Get your camera angles. Frank get your lighting right and get your background right and then when you feel like okay now. This feels more natural role in my body than you can't get on these calls but first and foremost has acknowledged you're gonna feel weird like i. I agree with that. And i think lake. I've a lot to say about video dates. Because i i started off being like i do not want to do this link going to represent me well and i think that over time it's obviously between doing video dates but also phone calls in the podcast and everything else for the video. I mean videos our life now. I've just got it way. More comfortable with no and i think a lot of it is just practice. So i love. Us tips about finding other ways to practice. Even if it's not dates the one thing i will say though is i personally have found that like doing the call over facetime or what's up is a lot better the end zoom because there's something about setting up a meeting to do a very formal in work and i just don't like it. I like from now on like refused to do them. That way or even within apps like you can just do video a lot of time so i think finding a way that doesn't feel so formal is important. The other thing too.
01:10:00 - 01:15:01
I was very worried about. Was like i feel like i represent better in real life than in video and i was afraid like that like oh i don't want this to be someone's like first impression of me or whatever for so you get over that i think that's one thing the right person will still find you endearing on video but i've also learned the people don't always look the same as they do in video anyways and that be for the better or for the worst. I've actually had dates. Were mike. Wow this guy was so hot on video in like in real life they were fine. They weren't not attractive but they were not nearly as good looking as they came off on video. And i personally did not know that was possible. Like i thought if anything look worse in video real-life life. So i guess like it's like a good way to get a basic vibe check but not hold too much week to it and i think like as long as you're like moderately attracted to the person and hopefully they'll feel the same back to you. I think it's worth doing a date in real life but it also in moderately attractive all seeking. Carry a good conversation. That's the most important part. But i think I mean i after covert. I'm gonna video dates like if i'm not dating someone when cove is over like i'm definitely going to keep doing video dates because i feel like or at least phone calls like at a minimum. Like there's something about this like free date thing that really does help in it. It eliminates like i've got it on video calls or phone calls with people and it's like the weirdest conflict but what's your five year plan like. I don't wanna do that in person. And i'm like i just saved by self so much time by doing thirty minute. Call with someone where i right. Yeah it definitely is so convenient and you can do it. It's a lot easier. Let's invest men and maybe of course not as not as like revealing as meeting in person but a lot more than texting where actually just kind of looking at somebody's profile so you you do have a much better sense of who. They are And then you can kinda decide if they want to meet her. I also like the phone call then videotape bills for multiple reasons one. It's way less pressure like you don't have to get ready for it. You don't have to get that the nerves of like someone seeing you awkward on video and you just have that conversation. That's more free flowing. Think that's number one. I feel like twenty twenty one and twenty twenty year. That the phone like resurrected. Yeah to a year. I think it's great to because then you built reports so when you're on the video you're less nervous talk to this person so it's like and it also gives you a daughter steps so you could like cut of delay beating up a little especially for cova like you wanna make sure this is someone that's worth meeting up but you also like to bring a full circle from the very start. You don't wanna be that person that keeps things virtual forever rise so it's still feels like progression even though it's not like i'm just gonna keep you in this like endless virtual. Yeah we do have some tips that we've learned along the way for video and for phone chaldeans please do it might be. It might be beneficial to share them because we've learned also just from our members and listeners. One is i think why facetime and what's app are good for video chat is because you don't see yourself onscreen as prominently as you do on zoom so if you do zoom dates hide yourself view because when you see yourself on camera you tend to fixate on yourself versus the person you're talking to so that's tip number one tip number two is take your calls and take your vehicles standing up. You sound like you have more energy. You sound more alive. You don't sound like you just had long day at work and you're also a lot of people we found can be on the phone for like eight hours if you're a sitting or lying down and then these conversations are misleading. 'cause you feel like oh my god. We talked on the phone for four hours. No it just means you sat there for hours you get up standing. You're more apt to like get tired of fatigue earlier and then you are able to get off the call so you don't have these perpetual long phone calls and then the third tip is dress up for your date like get treat each day like an actual date even have your dress up throughout the day for your work calls change into a different outfit so if feels like a different fire it feels different conversation so you can draw that line between work and play. Yeah i really liked that. Because i do think that your mindset going into the day your attitude does really impact how the day turns out regardless of who your date as like your mindset really impacts and can create the awesome jade and really bad date and so if you are a work mode I think that's probably why the what's happened. The facetime the more casual aspect of it like brings more casual part of you versus okay. I'm to call all day at six.
01:15:02 - 01:20:00
I got on the in kobe. The date it's still kind of awkward. And so i think that yeah whatever you can do to kind of change your mindset taking a break between work would doing what zipcar facetime Whatever it is not zoom or whatever. The motive videoconferencing used for work getting changed. The you're actually in a date mode. I think that's having glass of wine. Yeah i really do like the person in the creating intimacy in the purse like making things personal conversation that we talked about earlier in the text really applies as well one of the things. I really actually like about face time and the video colleagues that you actually get to stephen armand the most intimate environment of that person and you know one time they were actually hosting this thing called coffee talk which was a adult one speed date. It was a virtual Meet up space for hundreds of like. Cnbc daters to comment actually like talk about their experience. And we will joe break government whatnot and we did give people a chance to exchange numbers if they there was somebody that they were interested in a lot of conversation kind of went like ooh the poster that you have on the back. I actually have it to like really interesting. Walk these are not conversations you would have on a you would get asked all the time on dating right. It's a very unique rhymer stations. Because it's based on like you're unique environment and so that created a instant intimacy versus like high our you. What do you do for a living in that kind of thing and so use whatever you can to make the conversation personal. You can always go back to you. Know more formal questions a little bit after. You've had this intimacy built a love that because julie here's a question for you. Can you gauge or estimate how many what percentage of the first states you've been on in real life where you've seen the inside of their homes. Hopefully because i would never go to their home on the first take. This is a totally new new way of dating. and we're designing visually seeing another level of this person scrambling right right especially as straight bed. You want to make sure it's not like a total bachelor party background. that's true. I'm like wow. You're please sick lady's time fooled by that. Those were some gray tips. I think i'm confident that our data's learned a lot about how to actually take meetings in dating apps to life lot more confidently and easily. Thank you so much for compensation. I have final question. I asked every. Save the day guessed. What is the best dating advice you've ever received julie dura start by god. I'm like how do i even start. I mean i think it's just be authentic inching. The games like oh for years. I was that person that like. I'm not gonna text. I an elite two hours after they text be so. I feel like i'm really busy and doing all the stop. And it wasn't until i ditch those games that i started have meaningful longterm relationships and so i think if there's any parting thing i would do is just. It's really difficult especially as women. We've been programmed for so long by books like the rules are why men mary bitches like all. The terrible bunks. That were out there and you know it's really hard on program like some of the stuff that we're taught that like men don't like women like make the first move or text them i or text back quick but from what i've taught every like male friend of mine or you know people in our community like it just is not the case like it's something that we've been linked brainwashed to say like if it if someone really likes you. They're not going to be upset that you tax them like their docket and licking if you text. They don't text you back. It wasn't like you sitting waiting for them on by your phone wasn't gonna make the magically text you. I personally would rather just know that like they weren't interested in it wasn't a fit. Yes it's bruce your ego but like you can just move on instead of getting in this perpetual equating game. Yeah so yeah ditch the games i love that tim and that's why i love that the fact that you have your own personal dating role not some bird. You know. those like don't do this. Don't do that right on this. Very misleading dating rosette. I also grew up with. Make up your own rule about your mine's very similar. It's dating is not about winning. It's about finding someone who brings out the best in you. So i think a lot of times when it comes to online dating especially we're looking at. How many people am i match you. With how many people are messaging me back.
01:20:01 - 01:24:00
And that's not really the point of dating the point of dating is sometimes you could have two awesome people who bring out the worst in each other. They're not compatible. So you're chatting with someone endured making you anxious because they're not texting back they're not messaging back. That's not bring out the best in you and that's not someone you should be with. You should not try to win that person over. So i i think it leaves a lot of anxiety and stress and emotional trauma when you can just shift your mindset and say you know what i'm not trying to win or lose or whatever. It's not about that. Just trying to find someone who brings out the best in me. I love that like so everyone like whenever there is a somebody that you're kind of like trying to get or i don't know you're struggling with. I think that's such a great question as like is this. I am bringing the best side of me like if not. Yeah you're right. This isn't really about winning somebody over or making everyone like me. I'm committed to finding a partner raid. And now what's really important is what side of me is bringing up above. Thank you so much. Ladies was really fun and i learned a lot myself Thank you so much grace. Yeah thank you for being a facilitator of love. yeah pleasure. it's gives me joy save. The date is produced by coffee meets bagel dating a mission to give everyone a chance at love that only by making great matches but also by empowering daters with healthy eating habits so they can do confidently each episode of save the date features conversation with dating experts to explore what it takes to better dates and ultimately find a great relationship. You can subscribe to us on apple podcasts. Or wherever you get your podcasts. If you have a guest recommendation for this show or burning questions you like answered we will love to your from you. At podcast at coffee meets bagel dot com. And of course if you're enjoying the show please leave a positive review and share the show with your friends. We would greatly appreciate it. We'll be back in two weeks with another in zyppah conversation with dating experts until then take care and happy datum dateable. Podcast is part of the frolicked. Podcast network. Five more podcasts. You'll love at frolic dot media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation. I follow us on instagram facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable. Podcast tag any post with the hashtag. Stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts then over to our website dateable podcasts dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium y series. We're we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums roseau downloadable for free on spotify apple podcast. Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable. You're a c. works overtime all summer. So be sure to replace your old air filters with new filter air filters they recommend updating back filters at least every three months all year round. So or you're filtering air filters today at tree dot com. Let's clear the air gym sessions and sweaty. Summer activities are back which means more funky smells in your clothes. Because sweat leaves behind bacteria that causes those hard to remove odors clorox fabric sanitizer products are ready to zap the stink out of fabrics in your home by getting rid of ninety nine point. Nine percent of causing bacteria eliminate odors in every load or sanitize fabrics between washes with one of our fabric sanitizer products. Search fabric sanitizer at clorox dot com to learn more when it counts. Trust clorox use as directed.