BONUS: How to Thrive or Survive V-Day

Dateable Podcast
February 8, 2022
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February 8, 2022

BONUS: How to Thrive or Survive V-Day

Whether you love or hate Valentines' day, we're chatting about how you can own this day that reminds us about love.

How to Thrive or Survive V-Day

Love is in the air...or is it just a hallmark holiday? Whether you love or hate Valentines' day, we're chatting about how you can own this day that reminds us about love. We're discussing the origin and capitalism that overtook it, how to navigate v-day when you are just starting to date someone new, and why letting go of expectations can actually get you the love you really want.

Thank you to our partners for this episode:

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Episode Transcript

BONUS: How to Thrive or Survive V-Day

00:00:01 - 00:05:05

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves.  I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

Hello Friends and lovers. Welcome to another episode of the dateable podcast. We are celebrating Valentine's Day or maybe not celebrating, but on this episode, we will be discussing Valentine's Day on our off season while we ramp up for season 14. I feel like lovers is the appropriate greeting for this episode especially. Only this episode. That is the only time that's gonna not gonna be the catch phrase from now on. No. Hello, lovers. Darlings. Welcome. For anyone on YouTube right now, you always in the Valentine's Day spirit. I am pig. I'm in the anti Valentine's Day spirit in gray right now. Yes. We are opposing forces to really round out how people feel about Valentine's Day. I'm a gray cloud coming down on Valentine's Day. Well, there's a reason for that because Julie had to refresh my memory on the history of Valentine's Day and it's not a pretty one. So maybe, yeah, let's just remind everyone where Valentine's Day came from. I was quite shocked from this and I'm actually surprised that I haven't looked into it before today. But because we're doing a Valentine's Day episode, we needed to do a quick history lesson. So Valentine's Day also saint Valentine's Day, which I think is pretty common knowledge. This actually started from Roman festival looper Kalia, which was held in mid February back of the day, clearly back in the day. But what's fucked up about lupercalia is that basically young women would line up for men to hit them because they believed it would make them fertile. So fucked up. So fucked up. Yeah, and it would be a matchmaking lottery, so young men would draw the names of these women from a jar, and they basically be coupled up for the duration of this festival or longer if the batch was right. And then be beaten the whole time. Basically, this is really fucked. Also says the ancient Romans may be responsible for the name of our modern day of love. Emperor Claudius, the second executed two men, both named Valentine on February 14th of different years. And then at the end of the 5th century, the Pope forbid the celebration of lupercalia and attributed to replacing it with saint Valentine's Day. So it's still vague, the true origin, but that's what comes up in NPR, brittanica, all major encyclopedia sources. So yeah, I feel like I have a new appreciation of how fucked up Valentine's days. Can you imagine who started this idea that if you hit women, it will make them more fertile? What fucked up man started this idea was like, yo, yo, check this out. I'm gonna tell all the women in the village that if we hit them, it'll make them more fertile. Let's see if this takes off. And then it takes off. It's fucked up. Right, and back then, the reason you were chosen as a woman is that you were the most fertile. That's basically what the wolf is worth was back then. The lesson learned here is if you are complaining about modern dating, you should really be thankful that you don't have to be beaten. I know modern JD ghosting ghostly doesn't seem so bad, does it? No. Not at all. Nobody has a touch me to ghost me. I'd rather they go see them cheat me. Oh, hell yeah. We'll take any dating term of modern day times over looper collie a festival. That sounds freaking horrible. I feel like there should be a boycott of this holiday. Yep, that was just a hallmark holiday. And I was appalled. It shocked by how much money guess how much money Valentine's Day brings in a year. In the U.S., yeah, just from all of the hallmark cards, the flowers, the candies, all the paraphernalia. Oh, definitely in the 8 figure range I would think, at least, or the 9 figure range. 23.9 billion. Billion. I guess it also goes beyond just that stuff. It's the restaurant's Jack up the prices for Valentine's Day. It becomes a prefix meal that's three times what it normally costs. Yeah, serving the same shit. Yeah. Just go a day earlier. It's like New Year's Eve, right? Everything just goes up. This is why ever since I've been in a relationship, we've never gone out for Valentine's Day.

00:05:05 - 00:10:11

In every relationship I've had, we've just never gone out on Valentine's Day. Yeah, I mean, I definitely want to get into your views on Valentine's Day. But I did find a few other stats that I would think are very fascinating. So wallet hub put out a 2022 Valentine's Day survey. The findings they had was 36 people expect their Valentine day to spend at least $50 on a gift. And 54% would break up with their significant other if she if he or she spent irresponsibly. So fear is a factor also. Wow. So fucked up. Capitalism is so fucked up. It really is. But I mean, I kind of see it. I feel like it would just feel shitty if you didn't get anything. If you are in a relationship. And I'm kind of figuring out my own feelings towards it because on one side, I logically know that it's a hallmark holiday, but then on the other society has drilled in this holiday for so long. So I see why that stat is a stat because you're almost like compare yourself to other people and it makes you feel bad if your partner does nothing for it. So I see it. Yeah, I don't, I don't. I think it's the cheesiest bullshit. I mean, this is just my personal opinion, so I'm not trying to speak on behalf of anybody else except for myself. I don't love getting presents on any holiday because I feel like it's I'm getting them because that's what's supposed to happen. So especially on Valentine's Day, I don't want to acknowledge it. I don't want gifts. If I don't get one, I don't feel left out. But not to say, in my early 20s, I felt completely opposite. I did feel left out if I didn't get a gift and my partner have forgotten about me. Did you ever have this happen to you in grade school or middle school when people would send anonymous Valentine's Day from secret admirers and then they would come in with balloons or roses and it would be like, who is gonna get it? And I never was the one to get it. It was so horrible. Yes. Well, that is just how this fucked up culture likes to publicly ostracize people. That's what I think that is. And my friends and I in middle school, we used to send each other these gifts because we're like, we don't want to feel left out anymore, but then we wouldn't sign it. We put anonymous secret on our secret virus. That's probably why they get it. I didn't have the pool of Friends down to do it. It's probably every girl for themselves. Or God, I don't want to exclude guys, maybe there's a guy that wanted a rose. But what was interesting too at this study, it was this is clearly heterosexual relationships that this study is the context, but what men will spend almost twice as much as women. So the average for men, how much do you think men on average spend on Valentine's Day if you were to guess? Like 200 bucks? Yeah, two 35. And then on average women was one 19. Okay. Okay. What are people spending that on? Dinner and roses. Yeah. And I think it's because there is a very heteronormative traditional aspect of Valentine's Day that the man must do all this stuff. So I can see why it skews that way. I'm actually surprised it's only half. I would expect it to even be less. Yeah, what are women spitting it on like getting their hair done? Impossible. Maybe. Or, you know, I guess and maybe in now times in 2022, it's more equal. You know, the people are jointly going out to dinner or celebrating Amy. Why should it really be the man paying for the woman for this? It really doesn't make sense. Yeah, well traditionally it's always been that way. Yeah, but I do think people are questioning the roles of that. The more we talk about it, the more I think it's a fucked up holiday. I feel like I have to say that the board goes on. And then, of course, between February 1st and February 14th, the overall data gap see the activity increase across the U.S.. By 33%, which is no surprise. I think there's a lot of fomo. It's a reminder. I think the reminder is a big aspect. I remember when I was single. There was varying degrees of how much it affected me. I think if I didn't have anyone in the horizon and I was comfortable, I let it slide a little more, but I just remember celebrating Valentine's Day after a breakup on my own and I did not want to see anyone. I did out with a celebrate gala tides day. I basically wanted to pretend like this holiday did exist. Oh, that is so worse. Yeah, I remember just living in New York. This holiday is so much more pronounced because on that day you're walking down the street and there's like ten guys carrying roses and balloons and you're thinking, who are they giving that to? Because it's certainly not for me and it just makes you feel super left out.

00:10:11 - 00:15:01

So I'm so glad that it's COVID times and we don't have to see any of that shit out in public. Yes, I do remember that I've ever seen Ben wrapped around the block at a flowers. Like all the last minute flowers took it. Yes. You know what is so funny, so my friend is married to a Parisian. And Valentine's Day over there, they also celebrate Valentine's Day. The flower stands, the florists will have one section for your significant other. One section for your mistress. So you can go in discreetly and say, I'll take flowers from that section and send it to so and so and so and so. She's like, it's just out there. It's not like they're hiding it. It's like this section for your significant other. And that section for your mistresses. That's actually a really good point. I wonder how other countries celebrate Valentine's Day. If it's so pronounced 'cause I remember my old roommate was dating an Irish guy during Valentine's Day. They had just started dating, but they were pretty, you know, it was a thing. And they had dinner plans and I remember her saying I really don't think he knows it's Valentine's Day. He hasn't said anything at all. It has an address. And I don't know if he's even aware of it. So maybe it was just this one guy, maybe it was just, you know, different places have a different emphasis. I mean, America is rooted in capitalism so I could see it being more of a thing here, potentially. Or consumerism in China, it's all about buying shit. So China there are three Valentine's days. There's my western Valentine's Day, which is what we celebrate and then there's the actual Chinese Valentine's Day three times a year and all it is just people buying shit online. And then going to these matchmaking events where it feels like it's musical chairs. Everyone's looking for the person and they don't want to be the last one to be paid. So you'll go to these matchmaking events and it'd be like a thousand people in one room. And one wall is filled with profiles. It's someone's picture and all their stats, their height, their age, how much money they make, do they own shit. And then you start writing on your card, who you like. So everyone has a number. You write down the car on your card, which numbers you like, and then you navigate through this large auditorium people trying to find the numbers that you like. And then it's like a math scramble by the end of it. You don't want to leave alone. So by the end, everyone's like, whatever. I don't care what your number is. Just go. Let's go. Let's go to dinner. I am an utter disbelief. This sounds horrible. For anyone that is upset in the U.S. about valid sides, they think about how much worse it is over there. Oh, so much worse. I do think it brings up things for people though, so I'm not surprised that dating apps see a spike before it's kind of like milestone birthdays. If you're not in the place that you want to be. It triggers something for you. And Valentine's Day every year is a reminder of your status, basically, whether you like it or not. If you celebrate or not, it's still there and it's a reminder. So I definitely see the franticness coming in. I hate that it's a holiday that reminds you to ask the question am I loved? That's just like an awful way to gauge that because you could be loved in so many different ways outside of a romantic partner, but for some reason, around this time, if you don't have a romantic partner, you might feel like you're not loved. That's wild. Yes. I don't love galentine's day just because I'm not. I don't know, there's something about it that I just never have loved. And I'm still trying to figure out what it is because I think this is my existential crisis with Valentine's Day. I have this intellectual level of not liking it. But then there is a feeling that comes up for me. And I think with galentine's day is actually the reverse is that I like it on what it stands for. Why should we just be showing love to significant others? If this is going to be the day of love. We might as well spread it to all the people in our life. So I do like that. I, myself have never been someone that's like, let's all go out for Gallo times day. That's never been me. So I don't know. I don't know why there's a big disconnect. Have you seen that movie Valentine's Day? It's a terrible, very emotional. It's so terrible. They basically take every major holiday. It's the same movie. Over and over again. I think they had two years, right? Yup. And it's the same celebrities that they play the same roles the same storyline, but there is one part where Jessica Biel is holding, I hate Valentine's Day or something.

00:15:02 - 00:20:03

I don't know, black heart, galentine's dinner or something. And nobody's RSVPed to this dinner and she's all sad because everyone's coupled off. But she's got this giant heart pinata at the party and waiting for people to whack it and she's the only one that shows up, spoiler in case you haven't seen the movie. More people show up by the end because you know, that's how you do a Gary Marshall movie. And they're wacky at the heart, one of them is Jennifer Garner who finds out the guy she's been dating is actually married with two kids or whatever. But what I don't like about galentine's day is that there is this notion that you have to hate men once you attend the dinner. It becomes like a male bashing or like we don't need men cheers to being single and powerful and not needing men. And I don't think that's the message, the message should be about support and love and not hating the opposite sex. You know, I think that's what it's been for for me is that it feels almost like the second place trophy that you're getting that you don't have someone to spend Valentine's Day with, so it's a plan B yeah, exactly. And I think that's where I've struggled with it and it doesn't have to be. I remember one of my friends who was in a relationship, so it wasn't like she didn't have someone to spend Valentine's Day with. And all my other friends that were in relationships, I was the only single person there, they were super pumped to have like a girls night sleepover galantines day event. So I think that was maybe my own mindset of it because I felt like I was lacking something. I don't think that's what it needs to be. And even if you're single, you don't have to view it as that. It could just be, I'm gonna cherish all the love I do have it by life. Yup. Do you have any stories or memories around spending Valentine's Day with someone that maybe you just started seeing? Oh, I do. Oh, I do. Yes. So we did actually spend valentines together day together, but it brought up things for me. So I will share it. But it was actually when I first, I first met by X, like my Sirius X that I've talked about before. We met the first week of February. This was a while ago and Valentine's Day was two weeks later. Maybe a week later, it was very quick, right? It was real soon to what we had met. I think it was like the 7th, then we had another date set up for the day before Valentine's Day. So the 13th. And I was like thinking about Valentine's Day. I was kind of like, oh, it's just coincidental that this is the day that works for us. Because it was our first official date, but we had met through friends before. So anyways, the day comes for our first official date. And I get a text in the morning, saying, I'm so sorry. I actually have to help my family with something tonight. Let's reschedule. I'm really sorry to do this. And of course I was heartbroken because I was really excited because we already had met before and we already had like a thing. So I was very disappointed, but I also like he did follow up like, we'll do something and started to play in the next one. So it wasn't like this is a total rush. But he didn't actually, I take that back. He did not he did not say an actual day. He just said, we'll do it again. I'll be back in touch to plan it. So I think I was kind of, is this going somewhere? Is this not really? In my head. And then Valentine's Day comes around. And I think Facebook could be very dangerous when you're first starting a relationship with someone. Because you see a lot of stuff and you don't have any context, right? So a girl checked him in to a wine festival in San Francisco on Valentine's Day instead happy Valentine's Day. And of course I was like freaking out. And thinking the worst, right? That he was spending Valentine's Day with this other person, this whole thing. Turns out it was like one of his best friends. It was his family's like his family had involvement in this wine competition. So he was going with her. Why she checked it as happy Valentine's Day. I'll never know, baby just always say it, but it definitely was a lot. And I don't think I was wrong. I mean, all this stuff was pretty like blade it for me to believe the story I believed. But it just go to show you. You just, you can make a lot of references without knowing the full story. Right. So then what happened? I mean, we ended up obviously going on a date after. I learned what this bed and it wasn't his secret girlfriend or someone who was dating. So it ended up being okay, but I think Valentine's Day probably brought this extra. If he had just checked into this wine festival on another day with this person, would I have thought what I thought because of it? I feel like Valentine's Day made it more of a thing maybe than it was.

00:20:03 - 00:25:03

The weight of Valentine's Day. Yeah, and it just makes you more sensitive. You probably wouldn't even pay attention to where he's being checked in if it weren't any other day. Right. But my heart stopped what I saw that come on. The irony is that he wasn't even a Facebook person. He probably did even know he was being checked in that way. Okay, why are people checking people in? On Facebook anyway without their consent. This was also like 8 years ago. It was hard to keep people in back then. Actually people disappear stop checking in in general on Facebook. We don't give a fuck where you are. Yeah, well it stops, so maybe enough people had false pretense check kids that gave them too much anxiety, so. But I don't know. I don't know if I recommend becoming like Facebook friends right away with someone because you do start to dig into their past and you don't really know what this really means. It's all just your own interpretation. I know, I hate, I hate that when I go down the albums, rabbit hole. And this are looking at. What were they doing on Valentine's Day last year or before that? Who's this girl? And where are they at? What are they doing? Who cares? It's the past. Stop now. So I guess I kind of answered your question that I do have a memorable time, but it wasn't necessarily like I went out on the town for Valentine's Day with this person. So maybe not the best use of Valentine's Day. But what about you? Was there a time early dating subway that you could think about Valentine's Day play yet? Yes, cautionary tale. Cautionary tale, because I think there are a lot of people who may, you know, during cuffing season, maybe you mess someone in November or December and you start dating and they here comes Valentine's Day where, okay, it hasn't been that long, but it's been long enough for you to probably bring up, you know, at least bring up the subject. You can't dance around it. So this is the guy in York. If you guys have heard about him enough, we'll just give him a name by now. Yeah, the New York guy. We need a more creative nickname. I used to have a nickname for him, but it completely reveals who he is. So I can't. I can't. But that's not a good nickname. Is that a good nickname? 'cause this is actual name. That's his nickname. She's like, first day of last day's social security. That's a big name. That's his nickname. Go find him. IG username. So we met in December. Started dating in December, and I was so obsessed with this guy. You all know you've heard this story. And by February, I was getting really anxious about Valentine's Day. He hasn't brought it up. We haven't had the DTR conversation, but I was like, obsessed with this dude. I thought this was like the one. So come around like the week before Valentine's Day. He texts me. And he's like, when can we see each other next? And he threw out three days. February 13th, February 14th, or February 17th. Okay, those are three days. So I'm like, I think we're gonna say he threw out everything but February 14th. No, he put Valentine's Day in there. And I was like, is this a game of chess? Am I supposed to, how am I going to play this right? I got a maneuver this is carefully as possible. So overthinking this, of course, I would have wanted to spend Valentine's Day with him, but of course I wasn't gonna come off thirsty. So what do I do? I pick the 13th. The day before Valentine's Day. I thought I was playing it right, you know, cool girl syndrome. I don't need you on Valentine's Day. I got plans that day. I'll just see you the night before. Galentine's day. I could count the time. Sorry. Are you have a date? You don't know that. You don't know that I'm staying at home alone watching every sappy movie there is. Valentine's Day, the movie. Yeah. It wasn't out yet, but just believe me, if it had been, that would have been on repeat for me. So we go out on the 13th and we're at dinner and I'm telling him at this point I'm revealing to him that feelings for him. I really like to be exclusive and he's like, why didn't you just want to hang out on Valentine's Day? That was an option. He's like, I just don't get it. Why did you pick today? He's like, do you have plans tomorrow? And I was like, I really don't. I really don't. I was trying to play a cool. I didn't want to come off desperate, but I really want to see you exclusively. I want this to be a thing. He's like, great, let's make this a thing, but tomorrow, Valentine's Day, do you want to hang out because my friend is having a house party? And I would like to invite you, like, great. Let's do it. But as the night went on, everything spiraled 'cause I was like, oh my gosh, we're getting into a relationship or exclusive now. I feel like I need to have higher expectations of him.

00:25:04 - 00:30:02

We should have more plans for Valentine's Day. Long story short, maybe you've heard it before, but by the end of the night we broke up. Okay, so we broke up the night before fucking Valentine's Day and I still regret it till today. So you guys dated exclusively for one day. 6 hours. 6 hours precisely. Longest relationship ever. Longest ever. We broke up on at midnight on Valentine's Day because I thought about things and I called him up. I was like, this is not gonna work out. You're not giving me what I want. To him, I was probably so fucking cuckoo. This girl who's like, yeah, I really want it. I really want to be in a relationship with you. I really like you. Fuck you, you're not living up to what I want. You're not giving me what I need. If only you do what you do now. Cautionary tale. That's what happens when you put so much pressure on the holiday and also not communicating your needs. My needs where I want to spend Valentine's Day with him. I should have just picked that day to begin with. I'm sure it would have been fine. Till this day, I still regret that moment, I wish we could have him on the show just to tell him I regret that moments. But that's the story of the New York guy. It won't be the last time it's never too late. That's going to be a spin off show. Okay, let's just hold that thought because we have a few messages. This episode is brought to you by murad's skin care, a line of clinically proven cruelty free products that meet the meticulous standards for safety efficacy and care you'd expect from a doctor. One of my favorite products is the in business scar resurfacing treatment, which I've been seeing results from even just the first week. 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It's cheaper than getting all the supplements separately and it's recommended by professional athletes. Now is the time to reclaim your health and arm your immune system with convenient, daily nutrition. To make it easy, athletic greens is going to give you a free one year supply of immune supporting vitamin D and 5 free travel packs with your first purchase. All you have to do is go visit athletic greens dot com slash dateable. Again, that is athletic greens, athletic, GR, ENS dot com slash DAT, ABL E to take ownership over your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritional insurance. We are really interesting question actually in the Facebook group. That came in of someone that's been casually dating three women. They want to find a monogamous relationship, but they're just not the early stages, right? And as people do when they're dating. So he was wondering how should he navigate Valentine's Day? Should he make plans with all three of them throughout the week and some people were saying you could give them a Carter or something still? Should you just not bring it up with anyone? Should you send a happy Valentine's Day text to all three of them? I thought it was a really interesting question because I do think these early stages are it's challenging because there's so much hype for it, but you really don't know this person. You don't know if you're really building something with them. It's so tricky and you don't want to you don't want people to misinterpret the situation either. I had a close girlfriend of mine who just started dating a guy and he asked to hang out in Valentine's Day, took her to one if by land two of by C, I don't know if you know that restaurant in New York. It is the place where people get engaged. It is like the place. Wow. Famous for people getting engaged and they had just been dating for less than a month and she showed up and you know they're being showered with flowers and balloons and all of that and people are getting proposed to left and right. Oh my God. That's horrible. I made her feel so uncomfortable, even though she was still navigating her feelings around this guy. I think that night really solidified the fact that she was kind of scared off and she never saw him again. So early early stages could be really tricky. Personally, for me, I think it would be nice from the receiving end to just get a text message and to acknowledge that day, just don't ignore it, acknowledge it, hey, you ain't so fun spending time with you. I just want to say happy Valentine's Day thinking of you. That's it. Good enough. I agree. I think ignoring it completely doesn't send a good message. If you are trying to keep the option open for this person. Yeah, I think the text is good. I was gonna say maybe you could buy like one of those little, I'm just a sucker for these a general, like those little chocolate candy, the chocolate boxes. Oh, you love that. Russel stover ones that have like three mystery chocolates at that that are always the same combination. It's always coconut always caramel and she knows that well that they try to make it. I don't know. I feel like my parents bought me those for years. That was my Valentine. I would not have a Valentine's Day that I would get like a card in a chocolate box for my mom, which I appreciate it. That's really cute. But I think you could do something. I mean, they're like, I don't know. A dollar, $2, they're not very expensive. So I think you could do something like that. Next time you see the person, but I guess it just depends like what message you're trying to send, because it does send a little more than a happy Valentine's Day text, but I also think it's not over the top to do something like that either. So you're saying he should hand deliver them like next time he sees them on a date. I mean, I don't think it needs to be on Valentine's Day, but let's say they have a date that week. It could be like a nice little gesture to be like, oh, I picked this up for you. Hey, hot tip, you can go the day after Valentine's Day and that thing's gonna be sense. So you could get up for all the people you're dating. If you're dating ten people, just get ten of them. Doesn't matter. You get a local heart talk. Everybody in this building gets a heart chocolate. Shove to the Walgreens counter like 50. So how many girlfriends do you have? Or boyfriends? Girls can do the stew. True that. I think this is a good idea for people. Get major points and you know if they dump you, you can just take the chocolate back. Wow. Savage. What? You don't wanna be with me? Give me back my 50 cent chocolate. Well, I was gonna say they like ghost you in the week. You're like, they just won't get a chocolate. They never had to know I got them one. But yeah, you could be savage and take it back to. But a nice gesture is great. I think the spirit of Valentine's Day. If we want to make it right, is like a spirit of giving.

00:35:02 - 00:40:03

So I think just like whatever you want to show the people around you, how you care about them. You can't go wrong with that. And that includes people you're seeing. They include your neighbors, your Friends, your family. If you're just in this spirit of giving and start handing out these chocolates to people who matter in your life, then it won't be so anxious ridden of a holiday. Yeah. So let's talk about what you're actually dating someone. Because I think I used to have this fear and maybe it was the person I was with. I would have a fear that they wouldn't do anything for Valentine's Day. Upset me. So I almost kind of was like, I don't care about valid times day to get ahead of it, but it wasn't necessarily true to my heart. It was a self protection mechanism. So I think there's a little bit of that. I mean, this year with my partner, we're just going away. Like we wanted to go to the Hot Springs in calistoga by favorite place. Anyways, the option, it's too expensive to go out the weekday weekends, so I always would go on the weekdays anyways. So we were always gonna go on like a Sunday Night. So there was the option to go on the 13th into the 14th and take that day off. So we are doing that. And I think it actually is a good bet. I have hinted to him multiple times and maybe he's listening to this now that I do want a box of chocolates or a rose, but I think it is nice. If he wants, he could get of the day after 50% off. I think it is nice to like. I think it is nice to have something planned together for me. As someone that's in a relationship, I wouldn't want to just ignore the holiday. But I also don't know if I'd want to put the pressure on someone to come up with this whole thing. We're also the pressure on myself that whatever they come up with isn't satisfactory kind of what you were saying. So I kind of like this idea of just plenty it together. And not making it like this gift to one another. I think that's a really great plan as a partnership. And I think it's so important at the beginning of a partnership to establish what the holiday means to you. I've seen too many people make mistakes here and assume that it means one thing to their partner when it means something totally different. If you are in the boat of Valentine's Day is a big fucking deal for me, I expect gifts, balloons, and flowers, communicate that. I think it's important don't be shy about it, communicate that. That is your need and your views. But if you're in the boat of I just want to do something with my partner and I want to be in the presence of my partner, then communicate that too. I think two people just have to be very aligned. How they view the holiday. By partner and I really feel like going out to dinner is great. He plants a dinner we go out and we always go out the day either before or after Valentine's Day whenever that's hot too. That's a hot tip. You don't want to be crammed in at a restaurant where they're jacking up the prices three X and you're sitting shoulder shoulder with some like 18 year olds are going out for Valentine's Day and especially with COVID or at like come on. Save yourself the hot mess and do it the day or the day after. Day before day after. We have really given a lot of money saving tips on this episode. I feel like that should be the name of the episode. How to be kissing money. One day at a time on valid, let's take down Valentine's Day together. No, I think that's really great. I like the communication of it or maybe you need both. You need the chocolates and the roses and you also want quality time. I think for so long I've made this mistake and I know we hear this from listeners all the time is you want the person to surprise you and you want them to do all the things. And I actually remember one of our past episodes that we did last season with Serena carried. At her talking about how she would just tell someone what she needs because if the option is getting it or not getting it, she'd rather get it than this element of surprise and sure it feels nice if someone surprises you with something. But I think that's something that's in the movies that it goes well. I'd say more times out of dot. They're not a mind reader. There's no way that they would know what you're looking for. So the odds of them matching you exactly where you want to be is just so slim. You're setting yourself up for failure. You really are. You know, I'm reading that book how to get the love you want. And in there, there's a chapter about when partners think that they're surprising their partner with something, they're actually doing what they would want. So it's always in line with what if they were flipped what they would want their partner to do for them.

00:40:03 - 00:45:04

So you're not actually doing anything for your partner, you're doing this for yourself, and these surprises don't usually go well because it's not in line with what your partner wants. It's much better to have a direct line of communication of saying this is what makes me happy. This is what I want. This is what I expect and your partner can act upon those requests. It just makes life so much easier. Absolutely. So Valentine's Day, yeah, your day. I'm still conflicted on it personally. I feel like every day. Every day should be Valentine's Day. Yes, I think that is my take on it is that why limit it to this one day? Why put all this pressure on this one day? You should feel loved and appreciate your partner every day. It should not be dedicated to this. That being said, I feel like it is kind of just an excuse to maybe make your person feel good. So I like it for that. And personally, I am excited about it this year. I don't want to say I'm like not because that would be disingenuous also. But I think I have a love hate relationship with Valentine's Day. There's years I've pretended it didn't exist. There's years that I didn't really give a fuck. There's years, I forgot about it, to be honest. I didn't even realize it was Valentine's Day. And then there's years like this that I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day. And I think a lot of it was clearly where I was in life. So I think you don't have to be, I guess, the takeaway I have is you don't have to be a hard yes or no to Valentine's Day. Like anything else, it can shift with whatever life stage you're in. If you're in a place that you're like fuck Valentine's Day, own that in, you know, do what makes you happy on that day. Go get a massage, do some self care, whatever that is. And if you're at a place that you're like, hell yeah, Valentine's Day, then embrace all the cheesiness. I told my partner I want a chocolate covered rows that I hope I get that. Okay, should I call him after this just to make sure? She was serious this episode. No, I don't really care about a chocolate covered rose, but I would be funny. It would be funny. Is it edible rose? I don't even know how that works. Have you seen those? They're so ridiculous. I saw them. The reason I thought about this 'cause I did see it recently at a grocery store. When I was with him. He just looks so ridiculous. It's like 90% plastic and then the actual chocolate of the rose is like this big. Tidy. Oh, oh, the actual rose part is chocolate. It's just artificial. It's just plastic, yeah. It's just like clearly like a gimmicky gift, right? So I don't need a chocolate covered rows. I think it would be hilarious to get one, but I won't be devastated if I don't. Life will go on. I thought you meant like an actual rose dipped in chocolate, which I would actually want. That's cool. That's some cool shit. That actually sounds better than the one I saw. The one I saw is straight up cheesy butt funny. I like the cheesy cards. I like the candy hearts. I like the fun cards that you can get because they're so nostalgic. It reminds me of middle school and high school, some of it. So I do buy into some of the holiday. I have to say we are very lucky with timing of Valentine's Day this year because it is on a Monday, so you can ignore it. Or ignore it because it's a Monday. And if you're going out the night before, it's also Super Bowl Sunday. So there's so much else going on at the same time. You won't be inundated with all of this like cheesy love shit. But at the end of the day, I truly believe that we should embrace I should say we should. I'm not going to say should. I truly believe that we can embrace the giving spirit of the holiday, which is all about giving love and support and appreciation for the people around you. I always love giving cards to my neighbors. I don't know about this year because they're all new neighbors, but I don't know if that freaks them out. I love giving Valentine's Day cards, my neighbors. Who's this girl, giving us an who's this chick and also side note my neighbors get me mixed up with the other Asian girl that lives in the building so they might give her credit or something. I don't know. It might be really confusing. Maybe it's good she gets credit. Yeah, either they're gonna really love her or think she's crazy. I guess I could just blame it on her if they think it's a little bit creepy. So I think embracing that attitude and just making more of a less romantic holiday and just think about love in general. I think it will alleviate some of the pressure that we face around this time of the year. Yeah, I wish we could go back to elementary school when you would buy the whole class Valentine's. You know those paths that you would buy like different foods that were hip at the time. I don't even know what they would be like baby shark. I don't know. You could just get baby shark Valentine's Day and cards and put them for all your neighbors, you would. That would be so cute. I love that. We're giving them to strangers. Yeah, I think in SF they used to have, I don't know if they still do this.

00:45:04 - 00:50:06

They used to have a Valentine's Day pillow party. So it's a big pillow fight in embarcadero, which is like near the ferry building for all our local listeners. But people bring their pillows with them. They wouldn't provide pillows, and they would just have a massive pillow fight in this open area. I like that you had to clarify they don't provide the pillows. I don't want to be using someone else's pillows, especially COVID times. Especially during this time. I never went, 'cause again, I was never someone that jumped on these Valentine's Day activities for whatever reason. I think I did have a few years that it bothered me. So I had to do it for that reason. But I do appreciate that. I appreciate that they're just trying to make it fun, inclusive for all it's not like this big romantic thing. It's just some lighthearted fun that can come with the holiday. Yeah, yeah, I like that. Making a fun light in all about love and if you have some fun Valentine's Day stories, please DM us on Instagram at dateable podcasts. We love hearing those stories and we haven't shared any in a while. I'm sure so many people have plenty of stories to share around this holiday. Yes, or post them in our Facebook group, love at the type of Corona. We definitely want to hear. I'm sure we'll have a prompt about what's your best ad worst Valentine's Day experience, but definitely proactively share up to and you know, master date, that's our MO in the Facebook group. You can always go out of date with yourself. It Valentine's Day is the perfect time to do that. Just own it, master date. That's the answer to everything. Master date then masturbate and then you'll have the perfect holiday. That's a Monday. That is one crazy bad day right there. Then our last bit. We have our 22 day dating app reset that originally was supposed to close on Valentine's Day. Unfortunately, we actually need to close it a little earlier. We've just been bombarded by profile reviews, which is part of it. That's the high touch area that you ate, I will review your profile and give you actionable feedback. It's an awesome program itself paced 22 days, just little tidbits that you get. We've heard from people that it's just the right amount of information. It's not overwhelming, but it's enough to keep you focused and keep you feeling optimistic and keep you feeling like you know there is someone out there for you on the app. So the apps are not the enemy. So all great things. We're really excited. We've heard people say just how much their outlook has changed, how much their interactions have changed, how their matches have changed, all the good stuff, so if this is of interest to you, we don't know when it will be back, so definitely get on it. We will be closing the registration for it on Friday at midnight. So technically Saturday a.m.. See you got all the way through Friday eve day to get in. That is the end of it. And yeah, we hope you join us because it's been great so far. It's been so much fun. Yes, so if you're interested in getting on it, go to finding your person dot com slash apps. And that's it. For announcements, right? We got nothing else except for show us some love in Apple podcasts, reviews. We love it when you give us 5 star ratings and a leave us a little love note. It does help us get better sponsors, get more guests, give you all better content because we are creating this free content for you all, but we gotta keep it going somehow. We didn't make it through all 14 seasons and 7 years without your love. It's your love that helps us our love engine, keep going. Does that make sense? I think it makes sense in my head, it does. And then season 14 is starting very, very soon. So make sure you're following us at dateable podcast or in the group. All the things related to dateable podcasts that you are ready to season 14 drops. We got a good season planned. Very, very excited to get this out. Very much looking forward to season 14. And with that, we're gonna wrap up this episode. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network, find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tagas in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those pose. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums.

00:50:06 - 00:50:55

We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to. Stay dateable. At sandy spring bank, we care about people, not transactions. So we concentrate on creating personalized solutions to start or grow a business that provides for your family. To purchase a home that will house the memories you make there. To save, so you can enjoy today and then pass on your legacy to future generations. We believe real banking is a conversation. Let's talk. Visit sandy spring bank dot com slash reel. Mortgage home equity and other credit products offered by sandy spring bank.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.