BONUS: Identity & Intersectionality Across the Rainbow

00:00:01 - 00:05:13

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves.  I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

What's up dateable. 's welcome to another episode of data bowl show all about modern day tango where we like to dig into the whys of people's behavior and why they say the things that they say. We are in the off season. Officially we just wrapped season twelve. It does not mean the content stops. It just means that we're taking a little break to figure out what season thirteen looks like for you. All is there a theme. Who are the experts. We want to bring in. What are the stories we wanna touch upon. But in the season we still have these regular episodes for you a bonus content. Yes we never stop. Never sleep over here but happy pride you a happy bride. that's right. Well the epicenter of unsolicited to is. We actually did a livestream last week. All about pride and it was so frigging amazing. We decided to to this bonus episode. This was not on our agenda but it was in the moment like this way too good at needs to get shared with the rest of the world that might not be in the facebook group. We also did a live rod youtube. That was fun. We had a false start. Though we we did we did. We had some technical glitches. You and i were live for like ten minutes and no one could see us so time times. It was actually really a hilarious. We went live and chile. And i were like turning up the energy and then our guest came on. He was like. I don't think we're live epic moments that doing this for five years. You're just like how the fuck do we do that. But we managed to to happen. I was like having a blade. Facebook's do user interface because they changed it but it was probably user probably forgot. Just hit that button. That says go live. We've never gone live on youtube before it's bound to happen. We somehow vested up on youtube. Which was the ballot ever. It doesn't matter matter live and then we do. We're stars of the show anyways so the stars of the show. They really like everything. I just walked away from that just being like holy shit. I feel like i learned so much. I feel so much more like connected to all people in our community in you know. I think a big part of this was like how can we all be allies. Whether you're in the lgbtq community or not how can you be an ally. And we were lucky. Enough to have one of our hosts and moderators ryan and his boyfriend. Who he met during covert who has now joined the group as so matt who i love so much. He's just the most adorable. He is now dateable listener. Also were like. That's what you do. You find your person than you both become dateable listeners. Dateable together in the in the family ashley because it involves not end after here not single but we had the two of them and then they also. I think one of the things that i'm really glad ryan and matt push for was intersection. -ality stay really made it like that. We need to have a lot of diverse representation. And i think i never fully registered it until they said it but they were like when people think of lgbtq they think of gay men gay men white men specifically and they were like. Wow that is some people. It is definitely not the colors of the rainbow. It is not representing everyone they really made a stance to be like we need to include people of different ethnicities and races. We need to include people of that are bisexual that are a sexual like gender queer like the we really hit it all which was amazing so i really wanted to give ryan and bad another shoutout for just like really making that push to do this because i think it was so important and they brought up that the theme of pride. This year is a lot with intersection. -ality it was really enlightening for us because our mission for dateable is to provide a platform for people to tell their stories and in no way shape or form can julian. I even represent a sliver of the lgbtq community so we tapped into ryan and matt and and you know basically gave them this responsibility of holding something. That was way bigger than we imagined. Because i think Admittedly i also thought well zones we have gay. Men represented more good right. They can talk about pride and they really pushed us and said ladies we gotta get more representation here. We cannot be the only people talking about our community because there are so many different facets of who we are and touched upon like kind of my own feelings about asian american community when people feel like they have one asian american representing the panel.

00:05:13 - 00:10:01

They think they've rep checked off the box and that's not the case just so many voices out there so this panel or this discussion that we had was also not all inclusive. obviously we can't be inclusive everyone but we try to get as much diversity as possible. Yes i mean i again. I walked away learning so much. I'm not gonna even like start to go into all the learning says. I don't want to distract from all. These people are about to save but knowledge bonds. But i just think the in the sentiment in that livestream just like i felt so like ward fuzzy afterwards at i think all the people that participated as well i feel like just the general consensus of people in the community being like. Wow that was so well-spoken while i never thought about it that way while like i'm learning something new like that is what being dateable is about in like you said you like you and i bring a hetero normative perspective and while dateable is definitely open to all voices like we can only go so far so i think having the platform open that we could all continue to learn in like really stay true to our community which is the dateable community in addition to all the subset communities. Something we really wanna push for all of our listeners to do is to be more open minded to episodes that when you look at the title you think not apply to you. We see it in our numbers. Some of the morning fringe episodes. Don't get as many listens. Probably be because you look at the title. You're like i have to do with me. i can guarantee you. These episodes will probably teach you more than the episodes that you can relate to because you are looking at this from a completely different perspective and psychologically they always say you want wanna look at something if you're stuck in something and if you wanna get a fresh perspective look at it up down you literally go upside down. Look at it. This is how i see these episodes. You're looking at dating from an upside down view and it can give you more perspective and more insights so we highly encourage you to look go back to all the episodes that you skipped because you don't think it related to you go back and release and because i bet you'll find some really great learnings from those yet and it gives you empathy. I think that was the biggest thing. I took away from it to because like i think all of us struggle with identity right but i think a lot of people in the lgbtq community really struggle with identity. Because you're basically we talked about this like you that you you'll live at hetero normative world. That's what you see on tv. That's like you know what you're supposed to fit into this box. And i can see why it's really challenging when you're like i don't fit into this box. Like what do i do from here. And that is like a lot of self development while yeah like everyone has some self development. I definitely think by hearing the stories of the members that spoke it really just like put in perspective like how much like journey people go on to like be their authentic selves. And i think that's something everyone can take away. Think about it this way. We can all relate to not being the identity that society tells you you should be me as a forty year old. My should be married. Mother of two and i'm not it's the same thing because the default is oh at a certain age and assert stage in life. You should be this thing but we live in a world where you can be anything and we just have to get rid of all those default settings and this really level sets are mindset when it comes to default setting anyway. This was so we're not gonna keep going because we see a pass it over to them for on just so much good in this so super excited. I'm really really excited for this. Something been doing recently so at moving on to the next time we talked too much about the topic. We're about to talk about is something i'm really into. Italy is dreams. I've talked about this before you know. I kept track of my rooms for a couple of months. But recently i listen to this one Another podcast. I know i know i let us does he. This podcast is all about why your brain doesn't stop working when you're asleep in fact your brain is consistently trying to work on your real world roms when you're asleep and that's why you should pay attention to your dreams because they may offer solutions to your real life problems so i've been keeping track of all my dreams for the last couple months and i'm gonna start Organizing dreams into categories and making sense of them. But i i can already see. There's one theme that has resolved a problem for me in my work life that i've already implemented so highly encouraging. You all do to julie just as soon as you wake up. Just try to remember.

00:10:01 - 00:15:01

What is the last remaining. Had i can guarantee you in like three months you can see a theme and then it can maybe help you solve something interesting. I read. I have so questions. But first this could be the unblocking of why we're whatever state. We are whatever flocks. We are with our relationships and dating lives. So i think that's super fast. Nash had some really fucked up dream sides where they come from. But you don't be hey like how did it help you. I need to know. Oh my gosh. So it's So your dreams are from the subconscious and there without your feelings and emotions. Your your brain is not filtering your dream so your dreams are kind of like the free for all in. It's kind of scary. Sometimes right that's why some of us have these really fucked up dreams. But i'm sorry to see this theme in my dreams where i see other people's happiness manned And then i transform myself into them. I don't know how to best describe this. But i was observed someone's accomplishment or celebration from third party of from a third person perspective and then by the end of the dream i've transformed into that person so that tells me that in my real life. I can't be so passive in observing mother people's accomplishments that i can't become this myself and if i believe that i can accomplish this then i can live it and feel it instead of just dreaming it. And that's been a major lightbulb moment for me. That is so deep. I've had where. I've hooked up with people that are like why someone would ever in real life. What is that being. I see that. I don't know i have those shoes. Reentered ask people yeah. Random mass people cheat on my boyfriend and my dream and in my dreams. I know cheating on him and i had a dream that i cheated on my boyfriend with like the ups delivery and the next day ups guy came. And i couldn't even look at like what if i fall in love with this guy Julie i'm not a dream interpreter. That that shit. I can't understand at all. But maybe that on the subconscious that we have these different sexual curiosities and it's not just say we're hooking up with. It's just our brain is like okay well in the subconscious. I'm not in a monogamous relationship. So i should go out and explore. What's like to be with other people. Wow so was before. Is it a relationship but it was what of passed gas. That will not say wait. Hold up up. i know. I can't say it again. I chance at no. I don't wanna put it. Ought air obviously being nothing but it was just like one of those votes that i woke up and now everyone's going to be guests which is okay for listening. Can you please just screenshot this right now and tag on instagram. With your gas of who truly hooked up past guests within the recent recent seasons. It just gives us that now. It's digging back afield. it was. It was a weird dream. Weird astrium and. I woke up very disturbed. I'll just leave it at that anyways. Let's you all this. How does this shit all the time. It'd be like something been blamed. I can't say anything. I'm gonna leave you hanging. It's gonna drive me cliffhanger. It's a cliffhanger. I'm ream about it. That's that's the whole point is to drive you. That this is my whole master. My dream will be about. Your dream is so last night. I had a dream that in my dream. I had this idea something to to my boyfriend. It wasn't sexual. We did had a conversation and then my second dream was that i told him about the dream. I had how. How think about the dream about the. He's like what the fuck he's like. Please please go away. Put away league can't do this. I can't do that leave me alone. Okay let's go for the dreams the president. Have you noticed that the different about your hair looks fantastic earlier. I have been dieting. Haircut like daiei because okay people that don't live at california or maybe san francisco bore specific. You probably have had no issues getting a haircut.

00:15:01 - 00:20:05

I have been hitting my person for like four months now. And she's like. Oh yeah. I'll be back in may be back in june. I'll be back in july. And eventually i just went to someone else. Because i'm like i can't any more like my. Here's a freaking like crazy person site. So i feel so much better. What did you diet to. Yes i did. Yeah it looks great. I was in a say something earlier. Slowly it was was pretty bad before so it was like i was like. This is the longest. I've been so yes. It is much approved but i'm looking good the attitude toward but i have a really good dinner tonight. That'll take you by boyfriend for his birthday to this. Like really nice restaurant only has three tables this place to be like super creative like the food like this. All i'd off. I'll have to report back after. What's it called. So the restaurant is called merchant roots and they only three tables law is funny. I was like telling another friend about it. She's like. I'm convinced there's a drug operation. How would they survive off three tables. That's like saying it's like it's not cheap by any means but it's not like so expensive either. Like thousand dollars athletes not crazy expensive. It's like not that much more than like another restaurant and but it's like a tasting menu. They have like a female. It's like a in bloom flowers so it's could be like a lot of like off and and decorate the whole area. I'm gonna take a lot of photos. And i'll tell you about it but fast card is enough to do my hair and we're like getting dressed up which is very exciting. I love that health fund of romantic out with the boo. Yeah we're also eating five thirty. Pm early we tell people it was. It's also an aarp rush. We'll they have to see because they only have three cables so you basically at five thirty eight thirty. The only option was outdoors. The indoor was books. I'm like maybe we should do five thirty. They'll be warmer. Yeah we went. We went back for. Should we do eight thirty. She would either like a little late when you're outdoors in sf. at least. It's fine you'll be there with. Ethel and bruce. You're listening or like this sounded really cool. Doubts really fucking. Lay like what i'm guessing. This is one of those like multi course. Oh yeah yeah. It's eight courses. I like to not even starting at eight thirty. You would be you. Don't wanna go out and do stuff after. Yeah so sorry five thirty. You're going to be out at eight thirty. I mean you'll definitely be done by eight because you'd need to turn over there and he's able that's true but you're but it's good because at least afterwards you can just like digest versus. I hate going home from a full meal. That's what i was thinking of exactly exactly so okay. You're helping me re justify the five thirty time. This is exactly what was going through by by the beginning. That i was like i make a mistake and should have at eight thirty five times so secretly. Judging just for because you won't tell me who you select within your drink. Even now she's like i need it. Bring it back to that. I'm not going to let those go a suit and you guys as soon as we stopped recording. Did you fuck fota nine per foot on florida. A di percent sure. I already told you like when the dream happened. Like i think i woke up and texted ninety percent. Sure i'm not hold together. Big back for rio anyways. I'm trying to just keep our listeners. Other toews that's really what by elsevier about events. Maybe you need to do it. instagram paul. See what people respond with their guests. I'm putting it up right now. Seen putting up right julie with okay. This how rumors get started with who. I've sleeping with as a pass gas in my dream like eight months ago klutz contrary to popular belief julian. I do not play that as a drinking game like who. Who would you fuck night past. We don't we don't give them. We should tell you maybe we shouldn't we. Should we never do this. We never do this. Grab you ever now ever talked about it. Our subconscious is so fucking crazy. And i love it because unfiltered side of you so for anybody who who works. Like in law who works. Oh yeah you need a. Just listen to your dreams. Because that's like the the wild side of who you are the authentic side the authentic speaking of our subconscious filter. Should we read this question that we got this week. I wanna read this question every morning when i wake up because of literally makes my day.

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The best part is we usually try to keep them at the. But we're like you know what we're just gonna throw this question out. Today is not in the privacy whatsoever but maybe it is. You could make it work for you. We love you all for sending in russia because some of these is sex. Podcast which i personally take compliments. I learned that a couple of weeks ago and we sex questions are just really good. But there's one in particular that we had to Really call out. Because it's it's probably the best sex question. We've gotten all ready for this. Okay whoever sent this in we would love to. We've joe this is this is second to the dick pic got once. That will always be one and that was not a question. It was a statement. He she was like i received. Dick dick pic also to clarify wasn't like listeners. Day i'll listeners. Date stick like three dick's removed. Aren't we all three six moves like you're dating like that is a deal that would take the dick no specific degrees of kevin bacon and the three days from anybody you date man or woman. Ceo anonymous question. No no joke here. This person asks is sex. Better with socks. I no judgment. I'm trying not to judge the question of laughing. No jesuit is better socks on okay. We wanted to validate this question. 'cause we were like joe we really thought. Is this a joke or is this a legitimate question. So we google da. It is like one of the most google questions s guys. I have never thought about it either way. have you ever like. Has it even crossed your minds. Julie has crossed my mind when guy. I've slept with kept his oxen. I'm like what the fuck why aren't why are your socks on your naked with soccer very attractive. What if what if you're just in the moment and you forget to take your socks up. Okay i'm pretty sure taking off. Your bands takes a lot more effort than taking your socks off. Come on dude. Nah i don't know maybe there's a kink fetish of keeping your socks on like you know when keep like a bra on. Maybe not. Yes a mesh like like. Let's sucks something like you know like long. Were under that. You know it could be like the rainbow for pride you could go. You can celebrate all different things. I would love to have call my friends who are celebrating pride if they would think rain ox would be so. Ought to literally glitter sucks. The only sexy socks. I can think of art. No socks okay. Well i don't care if you've sucks her. I'm not thinking like it just wouldn't faze me either way i don't. I don't think i've even fucking notice that's like first of all you've probably wouldn't even cross my mind. I mean if why don't you try it out tonight and you notice or not. It's very noticeable to me breaking naked body with that is very not as observe it. Does you you would also feel it. That's true. I don't know that could feel nice if they were like soft socks. This is a good stops. Alex or like socks with like massaging massaging. I mean the fact that it's a very popular google question. I feel like there's more the were missing. I do wonder if its functionality. Better grip right like with those literally. Griffey's at the bottom like grip onto group onto the back of someone's cavs. I don't know like it gives you better. Friction is it. yeah is a better grip. Is it like if you're colds and instead of like the heat escaping through your feet now all the heat can go to your vagina in your genital. Made it or something with that. I don't. I don't know we need to do more research. Yes before we move on. Because i know we knew i wanna just like i want to say like obviously what wrote in this question. Obviously it's a google question. Let's take maybe a second. Think of why this would be good like.

00:25:02 - 00:30:01

Why would someone want to do this. Can you think of anything outside of the grip idea that you just assume it's normal socks. Yeah it could be one of those things where someone does have a foot fetish one coveted so sexy strip kind of thing like keep the socks on until you're ready to strip it all off and then you're fully naked so it's it could also. Yeah i mean maybe that could be a game or you you multi purpose socks like taken off and use it as like a blindfolds and they're like sweaty. My is like now that would do it for me. I don't care if they keep their sons doe put. It has been blindfold for me. That's where i draw the line. I i will bet you a million dollars. If someone's into that foot stink in there. I someone is into it. I think we've officially beat this topic to death if you are just socks. If you're down with socks please let us know. Maybe there's something obvious that were missing. The only thing i can think of is it's like sometimes it gets cold at night. Anyone like warm your feet edano right but how does that make sex better. The question is is sex. Better with socks. It's not like warmer with well. If you're not cold maybe it would make i dunno now like pulling but anyways let's move onto some announcements because i don't know how much more go really helps you with that. Whoever sent that question you have to do some research. I know this one stumped us guys this one stump does really something very few questions dump us but this one in healthy killer no can do investigative research for that one time winning on quicken outfits. Well definitely follow us on instagram. We've been growing like crazy at instagram. You obviously will take this paul. That's about to go out so definitely. Obviously if there's no better time to follow us on instagram. It's right now. So at dateable podcast. You could find us there. We also really beautiful inspirational quotes. We have a funny quotes. We have clips of our past guests all sorts of fun things really selling to know what it is graham mccallum pass and sometimes we have a third of the two of us there. We have real slow gets gets crazy. Yeah keeping you guys on your toes anyways anyways next post docs stocks. That will who really listens chest of our other announcement joined love in the time of krona. Eventually we're going to have to change that name but loved the traffic. Rhonda is our facebook group loving the time. Abide the dateable. Podcast is what you search for. This is our public group. This is where the livestreams happen. This is where you can you know. Connect to your fellow. Dateable 's the dateable listeners is a lot of dateable meet ups avenue lately freaking amazing. There was one in philly the other week chicago is happening. Dc rally. there was one of rally over new york happening new york. One there's all sorts of Yeah la a bunch of happened. There's also a a bunch of people fly out to san francisco to beat up from all over. Its temper solicit amazing. We love it. We love seeing you all connect with each other and the way that people are connected because they form deep bonds in the sounding board. That's really been the root of all the people that are organizing. These a lot of these people have been each other's like cova confidants and you know like the confidence through this entire like their entire dating process. Really each other sounding boards so check out dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. If you kinda wanna take things to the next level we've a great community in there and yeah only two things to say about everyone in their only thing. Let's do a quick message. From our sponsor this episode is brought to you. By z man games and array of fun games for adults and one of which is called love letter now in this card game your goals to win the heart of the noble princess who is looking for an ideal partner and confidant to help with her royal duties when she one day assumes the throne. Your goal is to enlist characters in the castle to deliver your love letter while keeping other players letters away it's trickier than sounds powerful. Cards lead to early gains. But make you a target and rely on weaker.

00:30:01 - 00:35:10

Cards for too long in your letter may be tossed in the fire. I find it to be a fun and nice twenty minute mental break during the day this to six player card game fits in your pocket so you can take it with you anywhere. Love letters appropriate for ages ten and up and is available for eleven ninety nine through zemun games. You can find it at target your local game store or directly directly through zeman's web store okay. So shall we turn it over to ryan in match in all of our special guests to talk all about intersection. -ality in pride happy pride. We are so excited to be here for our special live. Happy friday everyone. What are we doing here. We are celebrating pride. But i think we also need to understand why we celebrate cried and why it's important for us to understand the history of pride and we are leaving it up to people who are part of the lgbtq plus community to talk about their own experiences and really enlighten us with the things that we probably don't understand like as as straight hetero normative women that we are. I'm just speaking for julian. I there is a whole other community that we are not part of but we want to understand even more. And that's why we want to celebrate this community and we want to celebrate. All of our listeners were part of the lgbtq community exactly and we are so honored that we have ryan and matt who are going to be leading the charge on the livestream but we also have a ton of special guests from the community so everyone can hear a bunch of folks unique experiences and stories and the goal of this is really like understand. Why do we celebrate pride and become allies that we all can be support each other his. That's what dateable really means so on our dateable couple. Let's do it right. Yes we have dateable couple. So who who better to lead the charge here without further ado. Let's turn it over to matt. Ryan may hi all right. Well thank you all so much for joining us for this special live broadcast of our pride coverage here basically you really wanted to julian. You a asked me if i'd be willing to do something like this. Obviously my response was yes but always a yes. But and then i went and talked to matt. She asked matt would like to join for it as well and the first thing that matt said to me was as long as you make intersectional yet so that was kind of a big thing. I really wanted to make sure that we had abroad goat of people. We were able to join. Speak their different intersection allergies and really kind of bringing some of that Openness that we really have in the lgbtq plus community to the table here so really. It's about shared experiences understanding one. Another and how not just from outside of the community but even within the community we can do more in our allies ship to each other because ultimately civil rights bites are not just for one aspect of that Lgbtq plus community throughout the history of it. It's really been you know so much crossovers. It's it's really a constant fight for what we can all have Equality together for eventually so in that comes through that understanding of each other's Intersection alley so the first thing i really wanted to cover on it was a little bit of lgbt plus history and unfortunately it is a little bit skewed towards american history on that so sorry to some of our international friends here but the big thing that we really wanted to touch on here is how lgbtq plus history is not usually just isolated to fighting for our rights. It's usually couple with civil rights Fights in general in general. So i wanted to kind of just start. Mike touching on on women's suffrage and women's activism in the us which is really kind of a big part of lgbtq history. That's overlooked a lot of that. Active members of women's rights movements were actually members of the l. lesbian community or the gender community women who slept with women and that is kind of a big portion of where their fight for independence or liberation. From men you know having autonomy for themselves came from. I mean yes. It was a lot of housewives while it was a lot of married women wanting to be represented as well but there were a lot of leading members of that movement that were part of the lesbian community. So what are those big members. Was jane addams. A lot of people are really familiar with this person. She founded the whole house which actually house a lot of immigrants from all over the world that actually brought her in with a lot of communities so she really kind of was driving forces.

00:35:10 - 00:40:06

this were women's rights movement. She was someone who constantly fought not just for women's rights but all women's rights the women's rights movement actually had a tendency sometimes skewed towards just white women after the passing of the fifteenth amendment. They were left out of Right to vote during that so they really re geared towards that and kept it as an inclusive thing so that when women's suffrage nineteen th amendment passed in one thousand nine hundred ninety. They were able to make sure that it was for all women not just specific moving into stonewall. Things a little more current. We've had a lot of problems with hollywood As venable whitewash even ally a large backlash towards a livas two thousand fifteen film on because most of the characters are represented as white men assist gendered men however a lot of the characters that were active in that actual historic where a lot of black trans women and a lot of trans men and women just in general gender queer women and men so it was unfairly represented in historical recanting of it. Marsha p johnson civilian Sylvia rivera members like that were just not shown the characters they were and these are people who went on fighting for lgbtq plus rights after that. So it's interesting that that's an odd thing that we're not seeing with history and of course the first pride parade was the year after stonewall and every year after that on june twenty-ninth to commemorate the anniversary of stonewall to spearhead gay liberation and. I think it's how pretty much throughout history pride events have taken. Honor differ fight in each portion of history so in nineteen seventy. You had the celebration of stonewall. Gay liberation basically being able to be seen in public be repealing of sodomy laws. That in some states were still around and then throughout the eighties and early nineties had term towards addressing the hiv aids epidemic. Predicting we're gonna talk about a little bit rear. And then you know in the nineteen nineties ninety two thousand thousands. It was all about marriage and now that we have that pass. Were starting to be better about being intersectional about really focusing on the members of our community who need the most attention who are the most structurally marginalized groups so pride every year takes on a different meaning but still links back to the history that we have throughout history. Pretty much right and some kind of the big thing Even with like rights movements with members like jane addams and other members of that community. They set aside lesbian rights coupled with just women's rights in general and women's autonomy in general and then we have current day things such as the black lives matter movement. I think pride last year Really took a shift to try and help support a lot of the lack members of the community because it was such a pivotal time for us to set forward. And do that. And that's why it's so key in lgbt history because it's not just one person's fight it's such a wide arguing rainbow that were all included under and it's such a key thing for us to to really keep focusing on the intersection learning about each other and understanding each other so that we can all work together towards the common goal so that brings us probably into our earth yet Guest here which is going to be brian. Everybody knows him in him as the most data. Also i think now it'd be a great time to go ahead and bring him on in. Hello everyone right abe ryan. How's it going so something that we didn't do we started was and we're gonna do this. All the way throughout is good out really kind of allow everyone to represent themselves the way that they want to freely represent themselves here it is a safe incomparable space. So as everyone knows. I'm ryan high identify as he him and i emphasise gender. Gay male Matt might he him and i am also racist gender. And we've now welcome brian. I'm going to hand the floor over to you to speak freely. Thank you ryan matt. Also thank you for organizing this. This is an amazing thing that we're doing in its great recognition. I think for the people in the dateable community who are listening and you want to hear more voices as well and my name is brian for those of you. Who don't know. I am assists. Gay man And i use he him pronouns as well. Yeah i wanted to talk a little bit about kind of what pride means to me in kind of where i'm at with my journey. I talked a little bit about this in my episode on healing. You're dating wounds but for me. Pride really means a time to celebrate us as queer people. We don't always have the permission. Unfortunately to celebrate us and pride is the one time of the year that we are kind of given. That is the time to acknowledge the progress we've made in specifically all the fighting that past generations have done so we can have the rights and freedoms we have today.

00:40:06 - 00:45:05

It's also time to reflect on what our generation needs to do in order to keep pushing the agenda so that future generations can continue to have even more freedoms and rights as the movement moves on for me understanding what pride is and what it means to me has been a slow journey. I was raised in the catholic church in a very conservative part of the. Us as many have been in that kind of background. You don't hear the most positive messages. Gay was synonymous with cancer. It was synonymous with sin immoral. A lot of things messages. Were given to me at a young age that really impacted. Just how you'd people. But how. I really be myself in this. Also further impacted on the parents of immigrants. So there's a lot of expectation around specifically being a man in that means with carrying on family traditions carrying on family names in so there was a lot of. I guess you could say walls into my coming out process in while it's easy to sort of focus on those things as derogatory in a lotta ways. It did help me come to understand who it is. I eventually want to become. So you'll hear this kind of talked about a lot in spaces but this often this journey of how do we become our authentic self because we spend so much time in our youth being someone else because that's what we kind of have to pass but it's not usually until we're adults and usually as well and so we have a little bit of therapy that we really understand what it means to live as an authentic self and really. I just wanted to lay that out. A little bit of my journey is specifically kind of talk a bit about where i'm at now. Which is with what it means to be. An ally oftentimes with ally ship. It's a bit of a buzz. Word is thrown around in politics. It's turnaround on social media. But those who aren't really in the advocacy space kaido know too much about alecia. When i first started really meeting other people in the community not just gay people but also a sexual people penn sexual people in even more recently trans binary people it was a process it is a process and for me ally ship really means being willing to learn being willing to listen and being willing to take a step back and show up for others so even as where people we don't always have. We don't always know everything we have to do. Our own education ourselves. And i think that's something that i would really like to hit home on is a lot of people listening to this. Are going to be straight and you may be wondering. Well how can i show up for mike. We're friends my gay friends. My lesbian friends might transfer ends showing up for me really means being authentic in trying to make that connection so it's really easy for instance to make a post or to like a status but i would actually challenge people to go a little further than that. Strike up a conversation with someone who maybe if someone you wouldn't normally talk to try to see things from someone else's point of view maybe go to a listening forum at university and learn about a topic that you're not familiar with that Clear history of the experience. There are a lot of ways. You can put yourself out there and show up for others in clear spaces and non chris bases and i think that really is the first step to true authentic alec. And that's something. I want kate. Yeah that's super beautiful and honestly like it's really interesting that you noted on Kind of like the self loathing. That's instilled within being raised catholic. Because i definitely felt that myself and even like you said struggling resolve identity for the longest time i can remember. You know my parents even saying like oh you have a crush on this girl you know whatever and of course you know. You're not even really sure of what's happening so yeah sure. Yeah i've got a crush on that girl or whatever struggle with that so long That like it it is kind of. That's the new thing is like trying to really find your place in your belonging right. So i think it's great that you're making that challenge because it's honestly really one of the biggest things that a lot of people can do is is helping making people feel welcome in in that space allowing our friends in their family. Whoever they are surly kind of feel safe in okay to be that person through that self identity and encouraging understand that person more. It's really awesome. So yeah. I really appreciate you sharing that with us. Brian and i think that's great advice as well. So i actually have a question for you brian. To near kinda keep it movin suit you talked about being your authentic self and i. I think that's a really important part of being. A member of this community is really trying to find you are there so many different facets mentioned therapy As somewhat of a joke. But on what steps have you taken to really come to terms with your own identity or your own sexuality if there's any listeners that are in the closet or struggling to figure themselves out what would you recommend for that.

00:45:05 - 00:50:11

Yeah that's a really good question and also a very big question to answer on a short compact It's interesting because my answer would change. If i was a much younger person versus someone where i'm at in my life stage now for me. It's been a long process. So when i first came out I was met with both kind of acceptance but then a lot of acceptance. My journey with acceptance really came back to my journey with myself. So i think when we on acceptance be kind of people generally think oh i need to come out. The people need other people to accept me and that's a really more of the surface value of it while coming out to other people is an important step learning to come out to yourself learning to be comfortable in your own skin learning to challenge the derogatory negative things society and people told you about yourself in really Understand this internal battle that you've been fighting for so long. That's where the real work Motoring definitely does well. Yeah i mean. I think that's a really amazing thing to suggest people in again. I think it really is just opening the horror for that communication to happen and allowing people to feel comfortable for that so that is a really great thing present. I will go ahead and allow us to open up for our next guest. Brian thank you so much for joining us and sharing your experiences with us. It was really a privilege to have you so our next guest is actually somebody who has been on the podcast before also a quick plug for bryan. If you haven't checked out his episode he did have an episode this season. go check that out. It's really great talks on mental health. It's amazing our next guest is actually somebody who talks about something that matt has kind of talked about lengthened. Megyn debate has matt does a lot or did a lot of that in college. He's going to touch on kind of intersection between race in the lgbt community. I'm they haven't always had the best relationship. Perfect example is bayard rostan. Organize the march on washington. Mlk but was largely casts out of the gate rights movement due to his sexuality on the same side. You see a lot of racism by gay men express you other races in our community. Unfortunately and so our next speaker has a lot of experience in actually did a whole episode audit. I believe yet so. Let's go ahead and bring chris. Hey chris how's it going look in like in the pride tank very colorful collection. Yeah is cream cones on rainbow colors. Here well thank you so much for joining us. I would love to go ahead and handed over for you to let everyone know how you self identify yet great again. Thanks so much for organizing. This in the is a super important discussion to have. Yeah well. my name's chris i'm a sys again mail per pronouns. Em and as with you know with with brian and ryan and matt. I also love celebrating. Pride i think it's super important especially having come from religious background as well to be able to live life authentically out loud and let people see that you can be a game and also the other things in a so. It's it's really really great to to celebrate pride every year but my celebration applied as always been complicated by the fact that they're as within society as a whole. There's there's deep seated racism and systemic biases in the gay community and the sort of reflection in interesting ways. I'm so as i discussed in my podcast episode. Gay men often are very frank about their sexual preferences. You go on a grinder scruff or any of the many apps. You're just barraged with with obvious. Who i like this and no this. No that and so. There's a lot of stem phobia. There are a lot of preferences in thrown around one of them. That was usually seen as okay is preferences based on race N people not to cause. Call that racism. They call that preferences. And i've seen profiles that Even went so far as to say squinty. I know reply talking about asian men. You know really to really terrible stop. No blacks no problems. No asians was also a refrain that you would hear a lot on on grindr and in in having conversations with with people off about the youth. Oftentimes it's not completely clear to people why those preferences might not be great The place where systemic racism comes from the us is based off of Stereotypes since based off not knowing the people that you have that you have a will towards all of those really conspire in in saxon.

00:50:11 - 00:55:01

Dating as well so for the same reason that a police officer might be threatened by a black man. That's holding cell phone and thinks it's a gun or the same reason why a bank might say that a black family isn't as a ready for mortgage to sale white them. The of this obligations are that can also extend to dating in which a person of a certain race might not be worthy of of of love or suitable as a partner in all of those really come from the same place. So as a part of pride on i like the personally reevaluate my own sexual preferences nine encourage others to do the same. Really interrogate what those actually mean and where they where they actually might come from and one really easy thing to do and i like i like to tell people is to diversify even just your friend groups because it's really it's really hard not to see at humanity and others when you when you get to know them on an intimate level in the easiest way to do that is to make more friends so yeah i think important. Part of alex at during pride is to evaluate these prejudices in the in the gay community and really interrogate them in friday or the change them. Yeah that's amazing and honestly i. I really think that the incredible part about this is that you're not. You're not saying just like that. Somebody needs to be willing to like sit at the table because it's always fine for us to sit at the table. It's it's somebody has to be willing to come to the table in the place so be willing to come to the table and then sit with that person and really understand them and feel them out so that you bring that humanity humanity to that person as well and start seeing more of the similarities instead of other is really the big thing Because at the end of the day we are all people and it. It really doesn't. It doesn't matter it's more about the value of that person's integrity than it. Is you know the shape or color. Your skin or anything really. Yeah yeah and while. This is pacific problem in the gay community. I i don't know why gay white man have like some higher privilege in our community to be so vocal about things in the way that sometimes street people aren't at least on dating apps for solutions offered. When i did a speech about this was a looking at your tinder matches are proportionally representative of the population. That you're swiping against and if they're not i think you brought this up let you really kind of have to ask yourself why and where the root of potentially even yourself. Cautious comes from Win potential. harper's. Yes i even. I've done that in you. Know definitely not high and mighty here. I scroll through white. Wait wait wait wait. Wait and and that there's there's something going on. They're not all of us forces that are operating on us that you know. We'll see movies with two white romantic leads in the bbc over and over and over and over and over again and We'll see tv shows in which You know a strong white guy is ask shown as you know the ultimate love interest the ultimate catch. All of that has to has to go somewhere in in in manifest itself in our narrow david preferences so it's even people of color i think we have. We have to look at these these preferences. Yeah that's really really a great point and honestly thank you so much from ringing. That's the table for us. And thank you for offering your experiences as well. I mean it. It's really honestly just great to have you on and share with us for your vulnerability. Thanks for joining us chris We'll go ahead and start heading over to our next guest here. This guest actually came to us as a referral from brian. He is a friend of ryan's dade them. Our friend of brian's apologized the guest that i'd like to bring in is george. I lo- reo. Can you hear me. Yes we can hear you. How are you doing this evening. i'm doing well. Thank you for having me happy and happy hump day. Yes we are nearing the weekend and it's so close. Yeah thank you for coming with us. It's really important to have you here. I am so thrilled that we get to have you talk. You sent me this amazing message. I kind of ask you for a bit of your self identity. And i got this whole like interesting. One is like this is a very dynamic person. This this person has so much going on in their life so we go ahead and take the four and feel free to You know let us know how you self identify. Tell us about yourself. My name is george. And i use the pronouns. Aiden they there and as an alternative. I prefer Pronounced worse comes to worse.

00:55:01 - 01:00:08

I have gone by him. His and i'm a gender queer person and also on an immigrant. I guess my official visas status is legal. Alien just kind of like a funny way of labeling us and i tax taxpayer just in case that the irs is listening to this important psa or me just being guests like understanding myself as always kind of outside of or under having my identity be always understood nearly as as an opposition to Some of the mainstream. I've always kind of faced some of Some pushback in suspicion in doubt even five years. When i started to understand myself as not a man as a result of the research that i was doing and explore is this whole journey of self discovery really hispanic. Several years in still goes on right because this is kind of like an ongoing thing for many people And i feel like the first time that i've experienced a little bit of doubt and suspicion was through dating and not really understanding what it is that identifying yourself outside of the binary entails and Receiving comments such as you don't really know yourself or you're gonna understand yourself in a couple of years or you're just Want attention or you're confused and overly know who you are which have all been kind of like invalidating comments that have oftentimes happened from people within the community and people that eyder was dating and sometimes even at work however during the journey oftentimes have to come back to myself and released a get reunited with that first motivation to even say out loud. That i don't identifies a man and start interrogating. What does that mean for me. Of course just like many career. People i feel like i have a membership for therapy and although i deliver it to is just very much of a necessity in coping with all of these kinds of pushbacks indies power structures. That you need to understand yourself in you to kind of like find a stable ground to stand on in In reaction to in response to these kind of like told his questioning from From the mainstream so that was kind of by journey of jetting to really be myself without the pressure of proving might entity to others and also starting to define for myself. What does that look like. And also making the negotiations are also trying to say that our identity is sometimes negotiation that we have with the world and at can come as a result of what is the status of safety that we have. What is the support system that we have around us so for many people that coming out process will really be a privilege and something is not something everyone can access so would that even with pride and celebrating all of our diverse colors elect. The message can be too. We have patients with people who are still building those support systems and building those resources around them to create a kind of analyst where they feel comfortable in blossoming into what water wonderful peacock. Or whatever other type of birthday are and it's for for me also kind of like understanding that oftentimes. I've had to pass during my time even even as an immigrant i feel like i oftentimes come across as american. Even that was done Understanding the by people often times have an how to get ahead like oftentimes from queer community people beyond the queer community. I've Experienced kind of questioning on why i am in the us and wetter i-i'm Coming here to steal resources or comfort jobs that are not made for me and moving to the us at the time of trump right after obama not to make this call or anything i feel like just by my peers might political ideology obvious but i did. I did experience difficulty in trying to also pass ways that will make me seem more legitimate and professional and full that that kind of those threads of competence and professional professionalism in passing an ability have often come up in those two identities because people will question you if you do not either fit in visually or in in your behavior with the rest of the crowd. So i i would like to remind also people that during time of pride we can also questioned.

01:00:08 - 01:05:05

How can we create basis together with allies where we don't need passing and we don't need strategic passing people kind of like activating the identity at times what they feel comfortable and safe and then assing with whatever is normative at the time so inviting allies to help us create those spaces and so that we have Less pushback on how we identify how we present in the world absolutely. Yeah i and i love what you said about like having the sense of security as well to to have that space and to have that ability to be comfortable identity. It's really about like really trying to maintain that atmosphere. We don't have to feel like coming out as even really being anymore. I think that that's kind of the in game right. Is that like if we are also understanding and accepting of everyone is just like well. This person chooses to identify. This is how their their identity is true to them. Then that is for them and that has nothing to do with me and that's beautiful and just accepting people as they come to us. I think that's interesting. I talked about the privilege of being able to come out. But that in response you. There's also a privileged with this future. State worldview of not being able or not coming out at all right and you know even like with my family my expectations. I would show up with a guy and known. I've there's an intense amount of privilege knowing that i would be safe and if my parents cut me off i'm naturally stable and don't have to worry about what they would think so. It's interesting like even when you think of like the stereotypical Agenda what we want to get to right now in the status quo so many of those things necessitate a level of privilege that exact people don't have access and that's what. I always tell everyone who was that. I had the privilege. When i was coming out that i was able to tell my parents like hey this is this is what i know about me and this is what i'm telling you now. You know that. As well and i was able to be accepted by my family. I didn't have to worry about losing my sense of home. Losing my stability when it happened. And that's just not the privilege that so many people have hustle letting people know also in in your immediate surrounding friends family. Whoever they are that they have that security with you can be such a hugely impactful thing on their life. And i think that's such a great thing that you really touched on for many people. It's gonna take some time to get there right right but i am. That was a really amazing thing to bring to the table for us again. We appreciate the beautiful part of the rainbow. You've brought to us today. So thank you for giving us your time. It was really amazing. How you with us. Thank you for having me. Happy pride okay. So our next guest. That's going to be with us here. Is going to be victoria. And victoria came to be a little bit last moment. But we're going to bring her in to talk about some of her experiences so if we can go ahead and bring victoria in victoria. Yeah hi mc toria I am identify she. Her i am a hetero mythic a sexual person woman lady and if you wanna get in more detail. There in each community is different Describe your attitude to sex or whatever so the reused from sex fable six rule sexy trolled a sex repulsed sex neutral which means that i can take it or leave it. I will do it. Were like my orders. But i'm it's not something. I want really or crave but it's something i like. Hey either so. There's a much much of like different ways described. I guess i go sex neutral. I guess so about like entities. I'm asian. i'm chinese. I'm also a And i guess like. It's a really interesting intersection because being asian there's two parts to it. One of them is growing up. I felt like the norm. Because you're like. Oh yeah you're supposed to like not be interested in meeting when you're stating you're supposed to just date. Sex is not on the table. And i'm like. I don't concern like this. This is normal for me. And then m her hetero mandic which means that i like guys so i like kissing guys hugging guys and i how christmas not as crucial People christmas like not know how people will like aloe sexual people precious but anyway there's that the other side you know asian woman you're like oh yeah like yellow fever like everyone's like oh i wanna try Just girls please never try not to think about really nasty and we are not. You're like you know you're like toy or whatever so Yeah those those things about being asian men on the side.

01:05:05 - 01:10:00

There's a lot of stuff there so it's really interesting. So the bonus. Biggest thing is that there is like under abs nation lack of exposure. Because it's like because most eight people also tend to have a romantic orientation you're like. Oh yeah. I'm like just like everyone else like i'm either like you know straight because i like guys are like straight or like you know gay or by whatever. But the thing is there's actually like a difference tween romantic orientation and sexual orientation. And so just. Because you like hitter doesn't mean that your sexual orientation the same and you can even more extreme example. There are people who are like homo romantic heterosexual or or hetero. Mantech homosexual always case. That's like that's like really split. And the like. I guess they probably device by but not even more complicated but yeah there's that so then there's that so there's a lot of who don't know so a good example of this. Is that a lot of my closest friends and the people updated are somewhere on the spectrum. There's grace x. Reality which means you like our suit Moon what's every five years. Once every ten years you know really depends how Identify with the label sexual Someone calling which is basically that you only get sexually attracted to someone after you know like not knowing that really mostly connected with them you imagine basically like no one turned you on until you've been your boyfriend for like you know six months or something like that is basically w sexual or like or you've had this friend that you've known for like two years and like your to that front but you're not sexually attracted you like your friend that you've known for like one month this lead just example so i just thought there's a lot of different ways to do it My lot of close with dummy sexual Boyfriend is sexual. He didn't know this. Until i told them that i was as i told him to. Look at what it was. He needs an. We're talking about it. And he's like like i think i'm dummy on all this is really. This makes a lot more sense okay. We can play with this now. We know where to go with this. Now yeah yeah. I mean i got like suspected cause i'm like you don't seem to be approaching this like the average dude so yeah but i think there's also a lot of people like while dating that they have a lot of questions about it so is eisley like to how the person get to know me first before they start making options about like what i do or what i don't do or whether it means i'm approved or whatever you know there's been different ways this has manifested. One of them has been back in college. I was like not flirting. Does not come naturally to me. Because i'm like. I'm not a florida person. I'm i'm your friend or like i've just hang out with you. I'm like i like because you're like a cool friend than i want to like. You know whatever but then like they'll be like. Oh yeah you're like you just like a friend to me. And i'm like i really figured out you mistake was. I didn't know how to flirt. Because that doesn't come naturally to but i mean that that's not something that always people have this exclusive Like this is just prompt. I have personally or something i've seen personally. There's also a regime within the lgbt. Sorry razor general. But i've noticed that especially prevalent in. Lg committee was kinda sad. I'm is basically saying all your snowflakes out giving like time for things that no one cares about. No one cares about don't like you're not expressive experience oppression but no this is legitimately. There's like struggles that people have like being medically diagnosed as like why don't you have sex. Drive libido is different from attraction because people can enter. It's there's a lotta means about this. They're like you know like the dog. That's like it's like it's like horny. Know who just forty. That's basically like hostile people experience it so like the different things at like. I don't know about like the prime movies for people who love they love. No one's going to judge you for not loving anybody like no but there's a lot of other things like i think like in some places they won't run to like friends only rent a couples in having that's part of it and there's like the medical thing is a butcher like different things that I luckily haven't had this struggle of dealing with vital that other people community have so. There's that so. I guess that's a brief overview of the main things to be a good ally. The biggest thing is consent is important. Not only you can't generalize it say like a war you but like a lot of them like like like i think that like they have to walk to be willing to do it whatever reason it is and like i think a lot of times what happens is they try to like peer pressure. You and say like hey. We've been any for three months. Why won't you fuck me and then like yourself like that.

01:10:00 - 01:15:04

So so His extra important in light and also communication preferences expectations. So like if you know upfront that you're like not really sexual person you can say like. I texas not a big thing for me and like i don't like people who are shamir doing stuff like that is really important in like talking about that is really important and really helpful and another note i have is. There's also another thing that i have. Not all other people have is called aromatic which is basically. They don't have their like like anybody. They're just friends with people and with different performs their romantic sexual people arafat's essential people and they have their struggles on. I can't speak about them. Because i'm not one of them. But that is another thing to consider. No that's amazing. And this is that's actually part of the reason why we wanted to really offer the floor to everyone and not really made this just like a a banter back and forth for the most part but really till allow you to speak your truth on things as because we wanted to have that representation. We did not want to try and speak for anyone else. Put words in other people's mouths. So i think that's amazing that you even touch on that about a romantic said. I don't identify a romantic. So i can't speak to it and that's why it's been so key. Having you on here victoria because you really touch them a lot of brilliant things that none of our other guests were able to do so. And i can't do that So thank you so much for sharing those really intimate parts of of how you know love and how you to eat and it's really amazing to bring that to us. Yeah those other thing. I saw before that was like you can have love without sex sex without love could. Have you know there's different ways to do it. There's like you all from allow so it's like even aerobatic people who have i guess love known as like friend love so what other thing. One thing worth mentioning. There's something called a queer platonic relationship which is basically. Why think about is kind of like a. You know back when you're like school and you have your best friend best friend forever for life specifically that one person you have like forever for life. That's basically i think the essence of partner. It's someone it's common for as people is also common for era manta people. You're basically is one person you pick to like. Share your lawn with and as you say like a basically center as you'd live with them and you like each other emergency contact. You might like even choose rachel together a lot of different ways to do it. But i'm not another thing so that's also another format relationship that i think is not commonly us. Thank you for being so much terminology. I'm just gonna read some of the chat comments here because we have them. But i mean you as said so. Many new terms wasn't aware of julie chimed in as well on said yes alerts. Learn so much from victoria on. We're really just had a really happy to have so many of these. Looks like giulio. Said you can have sex without love. Love without sexist. It's really amazing. Quote really is just a fantastic thing again. Thank you for bringing so much to the table for us. I know you had such a limited amount of time. So thank you or really all i love it. It's so great. thank you in. This is why. I was so happy to have you on when you messages. And i'm really glad we were able to get you in so thank you for making time for us victoria india for having me and feel to nez me. If you have any questions. I i definitely will thank you. So much happy pry. Have you tried. Our next guest is one of the community members as well. So i'm going to go ahead and bring that guest on now It is amy. Everyone knows amy hopefully. Hi hi everybody So i'm amy. I'm a white sis gender woman I go by she and her. And i am also tual so bringing that how rum's there's a few kind of particular challenges of being by. There's a lot of challenges that i think we've already seen a lot of people share Under the pride flag. And there's kind of unique things to being by and some that are shared with a lot of other things but hopefully If you blur still tuned in if you might learn a little bit of something to help you to be a better ally But also maybe might learn something that can help you be a better partner. Do either a current or future by partner that you might have one of the things i wanna bring. Up is erasure which victoria already give a beautiful insured and covered fairly well but basically representation matters. And the world's i think is becoming or at least i don't know western culture i should say is becoming more embracing of the fact that there's not just straight like straight i think is still the default and a lot of media that we consume but it's opening up but one of the things that i see a lot is that it's okay now there's straight or there's you can be one of those two. Those are great. You can do those two things and that's really really limiting Which is also something that i think we heard in victoria was saying there are a lot of options.

01:15:04 - 01:20:07

There's a lot of ways to be. There's a lot of ways to love. There's a lot of ways to just live in the world and experience relationships with other people and it's kind of interesting. How many options aren't really represented and bisexuality. Definitely one of them. Something a scene. That i see frequently in movies and tv shows is there will be a heterosexual goes somewhere and for whatever reason the guy goes off to go get them drinks or something and then it looks over and sees his girlfriend's chatting with some guy and he gets all jealous and upset which we dateable no that that's probably Healthy will move over and the guy was chatting up. His girlfriend goes on another misunderstanding. Here let me introduce my boyfriend. And that's it that's all said everyone goes out. ha ha. what a funny thing Obviously misunderstanding he has a boyfriend. He's obviously gay. He's not hitting girlfriend. Maybe they're maybe he's opening up to a couple. Yeah so you know. Don't make assumptions. You never know what's going on. Also totally advocating further jealousy. Someone if there's a man with a boyfriend he might be gay. He might be bisexual. If there's a man with a girlfriend he might be straight. He might be bisexual like if i'm dating a man. I'm still bisexual when dating woman. I'm still bisexual. I'm dating someone who's non binary gender queer or anything else. I'm still bisexual. And that's still a really important part of my identity and it's something that i didn't realize was part of my identity for really long time just because it's not really presented as an option. I was in my thirties by the time. I really kind of came to terms with the fact that i'm bisexual. And that was such a freeing thing and just kind of opened up a big part of my life. I was in a relationship at the time and still wasn't gonna like go outside of that relationship. We were not monogamous. And i was happy with that but just knowing that about myself was really freeing. Took me a really long time. Just because the default is heterosexual from the time. I was a kid. I knew i was attracted to guy so i just figured that's what i was and now it's really nice to know that i don't know there's more out there. I guess there's another aspect of myself I get to explore so yeah. I don't know there's a lot of options for ways to be kinda wanna highlight. That victoria was saying that a lot as well that we really kind of narrow ourselves down and there's pros and cons to the labels that we give ourselves and some of the pros are the you know the queer community can be a really incredible place where people talk about a lot of things. A lot of people. Don't really talk about Investigate and are curious and are open to things and so those labels can help you find community. Other people are experiencing things the same way that you are in a similar way to let you are but they can also be a little limiting. And i think that there's also a resistance to weird to come out in my thirties like everyone. I know a lot of the people in my life have been there for a long time. And it's kind of weird for them to say okay. Well this was how i always thought of you. There's something different there now. But i think the as we learn more about ourselves and there might be a lot of people. Hopefully a lot of people going investigating some of these words and terms and things that we've been throwing out there today are learning more about yourself like maybe you never thought about whether you're romantic. Attraction is the same as your sexual attraction. Like that's an interesting thing to explore and you know people might be learning more about themselves or more about their partners or other people or whatever you know. Just don't be afraid to embrace that or try or you know you can be straight one day and then have a realization about yourself and then you know be bisexual the next day or whatever else you know. Life is a process of growing and learning and this is an area. That isn't an exception to that. To that point. Just remember that bisexuals exists. It's important because we might be hitting on your girlfriend's next thing We're probably not hitting your data. The pushback that i get most about being by if i'm dating someone and you mentioned that i'm by or bring up to them. Make sure that they know. There's a couple of main reactions. That i get and one of them is wild insecurity about. Oh my gosh. you're bisexual. I don't think i can satisfy you. Because i'm only what i am and you want everything you more than that. That's a pretty big assumption to make. And i'm not gonna speak for all sexual there's a spectrum and people experience it in different ways but generally speaking most bisexual people or pan sexual are not walking around warning for absolutely everybody that they meet. Just like if you're straight or you're gay or you're anything else you're probably not also attracted to every single person who happens to be the gender that you can be attracted to It's a matter of you can be attracted everybody.

01:20:07 - 01:25:06

Not you are attracted to every. I think pretty much. Everybody has types that they go for And that's true for bisexuals as well for the most part and the other thing that i get a lot is Particularly with guys. I think just because of the socialization that we get and things from media opiate. Let's have a three way. I am bisexual not no. I don't want to have a threesome. Not everyone who's by sexual feels the same way i am. Excellent also extremely monogamous. Not gonna have a three way with you is is not like an open. Invitation to like. I don't know fulfill that particular fantasy. And i know that that's something that a lot of bisexual women in particular get a lot on social not social media but Like dating apps and things is if you say your sexual on there then you're going to get a ton of people coming in and going. Oh my gosh Three fantasy and there might be some are open to that lake. Cool good on them. I'm not one of them. Please don't assume that everyone who's sectional is one of them. So that's fun. Yeah aiming you touched on a lot of great additional points. The vittoria did not bring as well. So that's again one of the reasons why we wanted to have kind of these. Open intersection points here. Because while victoria did touch on a lot of really amazing. Things brought some amazing stuff to the table while on janice in the chat. You know you can be attracted not you are attracted to everyone or not everyone but both male and female on the those are just like some key things again. Having these different vantage points from our intersection is so important and really keeping have these conversations with everyone on is why. It's so important to keep this conversation going. So thank you for your time and bringing everything you brought with us today. Happy all right well In the aspect of keeping everything going here we're going to move into just the last part here. I'm actually going to open it up to. I've done a lot of talking. I wanna talk. Everyone's face but matinee come from us of that community of hiv positive. So yeah we do oddly enough. It's one of the things that dravida ryan's gregor profile. The face. but it's something that we have a lot of discussions about and we've each had unique experiences. Um with a finding out we reach be positive in how he confronted in our own lives and especially for gay trans community in something. That's kind of been ingrained in us. Since we came out for example. My parents didn't care that i was gay. I concern they had is only god. You're gonna get aids and die which ryan are living examples. You can take your one day. Be permanently healthy. Yeah but that's kind of the a crafted reality that the street world has created for us and i think oftentimes it creates a lot of fear and anxiety of something that now is is much more manageable and there are a lot of systemic struggles being hiv positive. After example. sit at you could be put on eighty eight lists. Hiv isn't ada compliance subset in addition. There are a lot of states that have extremely restrictive laws and the state we live in. Ohio is one of them. So obviously i would never do this now because i have him a. How house is pretty much. State that if i were to go on a first day and i wanted to start making out with a guy even at pretty much have to disclose my status in. If i don't it's a class to bellamy that can get me up to twenty years in prison. It's not based on transmission. It's not based on intent to transmit. It's just the fact that i have a disease which again because i'm undetectable can't pass on to anyone else and really be freely homophobic power structures that create the laws of that place those restrictions on us. And that's something that the gay community or the gay agenda if you will Is starting to address. They realized that the hiv aids epidemic did not end in the eighties. Though it's much more manageable now but they're trying to take away some of the systemic or structural injustices of that community faces as well and a couple of points that you kind of touched on there. I think is really amazing is a yet. We had very similar experiences in the coming out process. coming out Where that was a concern with my parents as well but another point you kind of touched on that lake ability to have this disease that is supposedly the light ending disease right but here. We are living proof arm. I think i'm pretty healthy. You're pretty healthy. We both take our medications. So we're we're medication compliant Can you explain a little bit about what you equals evenings.

01:25:06 - 01:30:07

Yeah so actually. This is really cool. Thing the cdc officially came forward Because refuse to take a stance on this for a while now they have so basically when you take your medication on you have. What's called your viral load in your body. And that suppresses. The virus from reproducing in your body to appoint the where it becomes basically undetectable in your blood when they take your blood and they tested for the virus on the either. Can't detect it at all or it's kind of fluctuates between what the number is but most people operate on the less than twenty per volume. They measure so essentially. That means you are at an undetectable status which means your transmissible. So you eagles. You means on transmissible. You cannot actually give the disease to someone before. They used to believe that you know k. Like have sex somebody or you exposure blood on one. Even if you are undetectable you could transmit it on after tons of studies that they've done in research behind it. they have been able to certify. We say okay if you're taking your medication your medication lying. You're undetectable you cannot transmit the disease to some more So i could literally cut my hand. Put it into a call. Not that i would ever do this. Because that's wild but And have someone drink it. And they wouldn't be able to pick it up for at least by the cdc standards of way we understand the virus. That should not be a concern. Somebody who's medication compliant. Not somebody that you should be afraid of or worried about. I'll never forget. High was out with some friends and a friend of a friend who sip of from a drink after be and then i had had a discussion with them to explain like why they shouldn't be afraid of getting hiv for me because they took a drink from mitering. And it's again. Is that education thing. I was willing to come to the table to meet that person in in kind of weller fear and bring that understanding and that's kind of one of the big points of everything that we're doing tonight is really helping making sure that we're operating not just allies outside of the community but allies within it. We are all allies to each other advocating for each other. And that's actually one final point that i wanted to bring up i. Jose charity walk There's gonna be some information that i'll be posting on my personal pages about it but it is to benefit. Hiv treatment and testing and the local community your dayton but If anybody is interested in participating in that in some way you do so virtually it will be happening in october. I won't speak too much more about it. They obviously that plots. I would love any support community any kind of donations or time or just. Participation is all appreciated because it does go to advocate for hiv. Positive people and the global dayton. Here where i'm from. But that being said we had a lot of really amazing people come and share their stories and experiences. I wish we had more time to share with everyone already taken so much of your time already. you know. it's so important that everyone is willing to kind of sit down and watch this in enjoy hearing everyone's stories with us we'll go ahead and invite julian you back on. Hey julie i'm still here okay. I'm here as hopefully here. So amazing i wanna say like. I personally learned so much. Thank you so much for leading this and thank you to all the speakers that came out tonight. You all like were again. Just like the right mix of entertaining but also insightful educational like we all walked away learning so much and really you know supporting each other in this community. I gotta say. I've been part of a few pride talks in the last week and this was the most informative this yard i was like what am i gonna. What's something new. I'm gonna learn in this one in the next hour. I i have an ongoing list. Of all the new information i learn and just i think it's just so enlightening to hear the talk about density because i guess like for me amy talking about the default being heterosexual like the all default to that and we can't there's shift going right now and i feel it. I feel like this is no longer the default and it's it's fascinating to see the shift and i'm so excited for what's to come and i think that's all things to all of the diverse people that we were able to bring on again. I just want to thank everyone. I know matt as well appreciative of everyone. So thank you all so much for coming in. Share your experiences with us. Key ryan matt or a for doing this entire talk. You guys need a spin off show. That's what julius techno us. i was. Okay so shall we wrap it up. Insure dateable fashion altogether. We got to give it a stay dateable of the anthrax. Everyone at home do this. Also your home's gift on the rooftops. A i the dateable.

01:30:07 - 01:32:04

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