Join us as we share a live podcast where we talk with a panel of daters across ages in their 20's, 30's and 40+. We discuss what changes (and stays the same) with age, lessons from the past that inform the future, and how to find the best parts about dating at any age.
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BONUS: Live from The Wing NYC: Love (& Sex) At Any Age w/ Cirkel
00:00:00 - 00:05:19
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. We have an exciting event coming up in the the best part is you can join without leaving your house or putting on pants. We've partnered up with get vocal for our first ever live streaming show for four Wednesdays. He's in a row. We will be bringing you all the things you love about dateable in an interactive live streaming format. That means if you want to you can call in at any time and be a guest during during our show got a burning question. Have a comment on an episode of a topic. You want to discuss just download. The vocal APP spelled G. E. T. V. O. K. L. Search for the dateable podcast and join our live show on Wednesdays at eight. PM Pacific Time and if you're listening to this episode on January fifteenth. Tonight's our first episode so so come on. Let's get vocal. Hey everyone welcome to another bonus episode of the dateable. podcast asked so in case you followed our social media. We went to New York in October of twenty nine thousand eight. Yeah where we were invited by circle the end the wing to do in another talk and so just a little background on circle Circle isn't organization that promotes intergenerational networking king bringing people of different generations together to network and to learn from each other and Charlotte who is the founder of circle with the one that brought us to do the event that was held at the wing in Soho in New York City. So we have really good time. And that's where we originally met. Amanda in the Nez was on one of far past episodes season. Eight episode. Fourteen love dating ghosting across ages. They were the best friend. That's friends that were amandas. Banda's thirty two and analysis. Seventy one they talk about just intergenerational differences and that's kind of where we went here as well with circle as we did alive podcast. This was Super Fun and we brought up people of different generations. Different age ranges with someone right in their twenties who we represented thirties We had had someone that was forty. Plus he atma she was actually in her sixties. Yeah Damn good she did she was funded. They were both funny. We actually took a risk with this. I'm kind of thinking why people in the audience that we didn't know worked out nominally. So you guys will be entertained by this episode but also you'll learn a thing or two two. US won't hear this necessarily in the latter sewed but before we started recording the podcast Breakout sessions where people would talk with a couple people people about what they're passive with color future self in definitely. I don't know about you but it brought back some things for me. There was like high just like really Louis thought the world was GONNA end if someone back and now Mike who is out of his damn right though it's like it definitely brings you back in like teaches you a lot of things that used to go on at one page might not be that essential now. One trigger for me for that question was the people I really remember. We're from my past are based on how they made me feel non so much who they work so I now more conscious of how I treat the people around me because it's about how I make them feel. Yeah I think the other thing for me to especially doing this podcast is you just don't know what's happening in other people's lives in not everything so frigging personal in advice. I would definitely give my younger self is to like not take every last text not returned or like day that goes by to mean like makes someone dislike. Doesn't like you and doing all that stuff. Yeah don't take it too personally because when you're in your sixty s just listened to this episode without without further ado here. We go marriage as Behan Liz. Liz Very origene was Mary. Jane homer you sixty seven you look great sir. Twenty nine twenty nine great to talk to you than vote talks miles of blood over there and Julie Holier Moore you heard six and I am thirty eight okay. So we're GonNa do this just like how do our DRI deibel show all about modern. Da We are here so the day off thousands of uh-huh today you're doing this injunction for coal which is a musician that promotes ancient generation network and multi.
00:05:19 - 00:10:06
Generations is learn a lot about the and so we were able to finagle shoe. They just from the audience and to live thus Mary Jane who is sixty seven. Mike and Liz is twenty nine and we also Julie's thirty six I'm thirty eight and representing not representing but we liked to speak from our serious be in our age range so the very first fashion or all of you delayed yeah so when it comes to dating and relationships ships. What is something that you've seen now that surprises you? You didn't experience a few years ago. Are you asking buzzes yet. This is kind of working off. What something that? Ns had said. Because I'm an excellent data and I'm lousy at relationships two divorces is in But I love dating and it amazes me that in your sixties I date up usually down Meaning young impose down usually a series. We have nothing in common but forty's forties fifties is good but I can't. I can't get over the ghosting thing when you're up really asshole. Just ah I mean how I would just say the rude this I like online. It's fun I take it all the book but if you don't WanNa see me say the thing we've learned about ghosting because we've done so many done nineties Daniel podcast men and women okay. It's not just we're all guilty guilty of go state. Basically just being Liz. I feel like you know everybody always had the side to it when you get get go savior like how dare they. But then when you don't like someone you're like well you know you and you're like well. We both have to be held to certain standards here about maturity and sort of just being real with each other but I think the other side of ghosting that I talk a lot. What about with my friends is red coming? From as because you WanNa know what was the breadcrumbs not very tale. Where it's a good thing they get to like the Eddie House like no bread cramming is when someone continues to reach out to you and send you text messages or D. or of messages? But they had no intention of actually dating you or seeing you but it's more coming from a place of their own on solve wellness and sort of inability to like face to the back that they're by themselves but they don't actually want to be with you so it's like a lose lose for both people and it's a really selfish thing but it's sort of come out of the fact that a lot of people particularly young people are on dating apps and they don't have this pers personal relationship with you and therefore they don't have the you say it like they don't give a fuck about auto playing around they don't Combi deep relationship and so they feel that they can keep reaching out and being lawyer there. You're there but like I'm still gonNA play the yield in like I'm still GonNa ah look around but I just WanNa know for my own sake that you're going to be around and so is that lack of accountability. Yeah that's really what we see with. Ali Didi because you're just a profile so people swipe on you like you're just a profile. Not a real human be mets. The ghosting happens. But my question for you Mary. Jane has happened before back in the day. I want to say back then day we bread crumbs and we'd ghosted diplomat. Take a great flirt mini boom boom. Boom you didn't mean any of it. So that's redcar and ghosting is giving everybody the wrong. A number sure he rejection. It's what we did it so I mean the but my objection is ghosting after like six months going out anyway so yes sure. It's human nature. I just think it's way amplified. So it's more prevalent nowadays. I'm I'm guessing it's because Bama dating your network a smaller suv you go see your neighbor or your co worker.
00:10:06 - 00:15:06
You'RE GONNA have to see their face again these days especially in your Orga goes on somebody. We may never see them again. That's okay so you what was yours. Smith ghosting break crummy. What's from the thirties? You know I think something that I find very surprising in myself. Is that a person's relationship experience matters so much more to me. Now I see this because I have a thing for divorce men. If you were in your late thirties and your or early forties and you've been married before that's a gold star in my book. I'm like Oh you've been Eh. You know it's like your relationship with light to commit. When I was in my twenties that was never a thing? I did not want to date anybody who had been in long term relationships because I want him to be fresh and new but now that I threw it then I like you all right next question is what do you enjoy the most about your love life right now. It's time to take a break and talk about your mental health. Just a thought of the New Year seems daunting. Do you feel anxious about all the things things you should be. Achieving this year the beginning of the year is the perfect time to talk things out with an expert now with better health you can experience online counseling and connect with professional shnell credible and compassionate counselors in a safe and private online environment. Everything stays confidential and you can always change your counselor with three thousand the US licensed therapists across fifty states and your choice of communication modes including text chat phone and video. Better health makes it easier for you to find help and we generally I really think of therapy as costly but better help is truly in affordable option now for dateable listeners. Only you get ten percent off your first month with a code dateable guess started today by going to better help dot com slash dateable simply fill out a questionnaire to assess your needs and get matched with a suitable counselor again. That's better help dot com slash Josh dateable and use the Code Dat AB L. E. for ten percent off your first month. Now back to this episode woody. Enjoy the most about your love life right now. Oh that's easy right now Because I'm concentrating on one person the last couple of months and it has been a while. That's that's something that really got what you said. It's it's it's really delicious to just take some time off. Somebody comes upgrade. You Go offline for as long as six months and this person I met in real life than enjoying the one on one as a break. Okay taking time time for yourself. No I had been taking time for myself and I met this person in real life gone. I'm enjoying building a relationship. Do you want to give us some advice on how to meet People Iro because apparently. That's a challenge Dan. That's that is what I think is a shade but I actually met this his person. I was I'm a writer and I met this guy. He's not a writer but he was smart enough to go a writer's conference and he was cute and smart and I I went over to Shy as it's the thing is we would look each other in the eye and somebody was hot. You just go over and do dish yourself. South still have those habits. I would say you've heard this before but look up from your time and if someone's adorable you only live once yeah. I heard a really great piece of advice is Africa Room tried to get five faces because nowadays as we just glance over people. We don't really know what they look like was the last time you were like a line or Uber Pool and you knew who the people look like in writing I can't remember the last time slag Liz abuses to start conversations. Yeah definitely My friends and I call it kindergarten style where I go go kindergarten style on it which means room. And you're like hi. What's your name because there is no sort of inhibition? taught the person you're like high. There's something to lose that. I think you know with the dating APPs and with everybody sort of all their phones all the time. It's prevented us from being able to interact with each other in real life situations so I think the advice that Nez gate about like going out sitting at having Brunch by yourself going on a trip by yourself learning how to be with your salvo being comfortable with yourself. That's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Because I just came back from Copenhagen and I felt completely and it was like unbelievable. Unbelievable people come up to you left and right and they're like what are you doing here. What are you doing here that nothing to do? With the fact that I was in blonde and blue eyed guarantee that oh we they go out to Brunch in just not being so connected to the phone.
00:15:06 - 00:20:05
Because I wasn't meeting anybody on the APPS and I still don't meet anybody on on the APP site. Meet everybody in person because it's through that personal connection without having a look at the pictures look at these stupid descriptions. That don't really even insanity thing about yourself. I feel like that's what's driving things right now. You bring up a really fascinating point. which is I think? A lot of dating APPs it's game and fighting which means there's winning losing and sometimes that mindset is really toxic because you think all I'm just trying to get as many matches as possible widen this person. Respond back to my tax wireless person likely back. It becomes about the other person and winning against them. And it's not so much about this kindergarten mentality which I love we just I just play. Yeah just want to get to know you and play some play devil's advocate because because I think the question was what do you like your dating life. The most right now I think actually there is a time and place for dating APPs. Like I'm definitely all for me people in real life but there's been people that I would have never met before if it wasn't for asked I totally that I think to the older you get to now in like I don't WanNa say late thirty thirties yet mid thirties still but like I'm not I don't WanNa go out as much like more friends are like losing your way woman right so it's like it's nice that you can meet people so I usually online too so I think there's pros and cons to everything but that's definitely a pro and that's why we can't believe -nology we had to use it for good and not ready you wall. We can't keep blaming knowledge. Because it's not going anywhere you guys yard. Dating is really closed pretty soon wrong. It'd be wearing your heads ghosting each other. I don't know that looks like your Avatar to do. I would love to do an experiment. Where support let me show you actually? Actually I don't even know what happened next Saturday night known goes out on Saturday. Thurs the next Thursday you party at crafty people. Twenty five girls twenty guys that don't have a connection between each other. Their Phones Party in a better twenty five guys twenty. You got girls there. They have to check their phones at the door listening. I love it way to measure. How many more people got laid at my? I feel like it would be massive hip. We have too many variables injury dry reject the show. You didn't answer the question. Why do you like the most about your love? Life your daily life right now I mean I am born and raised in New York. I grew up in a very traditional Italian Jewish family so every time I would call home my mom would pick up the phone and be like hi. Did you meet anyone the long and it's like no I didn't and she's like Oh all right along okay and it's like am I value. No and I don't have somebody I don't meet somebody and so when you're growing up with that constant call in your head you start to believe in and so growing up in the twentieth New York without anybody was really hard for me which I know probably sounds like I roll like Oh my God so hard but like you know it's particularly hard when you're millennial and you've got all the bullshit whatever and then you're trying to tell yourself like go out explore the world all do things. You are a person you had value without having a boyfriend and so now that I'm almost turning thirty. I'm coming into that freedom Dan. I feel like it's sad. Freedom that has been so sweet because I feel like I needed to find that in order to get to the next level. Yeah winter from Marion Indiana. What point do you let go of all societal pressure? Oh that's what I only serious biological clock when you get over that well I never had out of biological clock. I never wanted kids. That's my issue I I never wanted them but it is such a wonderful liberation when I had been married Harry twice. I'm a dating machine when I I wanted to put a little stop to that but I I would say for me was in my fifties when I just didn't need a man anymore and that was my mother never gave gave me except when I was very very young and then she just gave up and I just realized time was getting shorter.
00:20:06 - 00:25:05
I didn't need made anymore and I was perfectly happy and I also in j enjoy dating online too. I think I think it was just like I didn't have any more expectations. I didn't want to marry again. I didn't WanNa live with you again and so it was kind of joy and I would say if I were going to put you on an APP I would say Tinder Green. What it's like now but when I first got back after my the marriage was over and it was early fifties default? 'CAUSE I I didn't want anything. So give advice from our younger self earlier but would you said your older self to look into the future time for a quick break. Because I'm hungry. Are you hungry. Do you sometimes find it. Hard to whip up healthy and easy meals that are actually delicious. That's where Sun Basket comes in a service which delivers organic premeasured ingredients and quick healthy recipes. Right to your door to selling points for me about some basket one is that it was founded in San Francisco and to is that Justin Kelly the award winning chef from the famous restaurant slanted door created the recipes. Son Baskets gets Dietitian approved. Meal plans catered to many Diet needs and preferences you can mix and match recipes across a full menu regardless of your meal plan. I recently made the Salmon Sam Burgers and it was like restaurant quality. Get your hands. On quality. Seasonal ingredients organic produce responsibly. Raised meat free from antibiotics and hormones. Sustainably sourced seafood and healthy delicious. Thirty minute recipes. Now because some basket is offering thirty five dollars off your order when you go right to sun basket dot com slash dateable and enter the code dateable checkout again. That's thirty five dollars off your order. Just go to sun basket dot com slash dateable and enter the Code D. A. T. she e. a. b. l. e. now back to the show so he gave advice from our younger self earlier. But would you say to your older self if you had to look into the future. uh-huh well I would say to my older self because I don't know how many years that would be. I think it's from me now in life getting to be comfortable with someone else and not always looking beyond his horizon. That's a big thing for me. So it's relaxing with someone now. The president asked her. Hey Eh thirty nine for me like my past like I learned that it's not always so personal personal like I think like sometimes someone goes to new or was it responding like back something that like I would take really personally and learned over the years that you have a new idea. What's going on in someone's life especially if you've gone like one two days with them yet at like four hours like you don't know the advice I would give my future self is to like and chill out a little and just like enjoy it? Let's see what happens and not be so focused on an outcome and somebody really can't control anyway. Yes I think that's key. Yeah and then and someone today I was telling me about her relationship with her way and what she would tell her and she was like. Listen like Mike you know. We all fantasize about getting married or being in a relationship a long term relationship. We think it's all roses and Danny Lines Lions and rainbows. And she's like actually you know it's really fucking hard work every single day. I need to wake up. Remind myself of Wi with this person that it's a commitment and it's not always going to be easy and it's not always going to be fun and some days. I'M NOT GONNA know why I'm here quite frankly i. It's just refreshing to hear that because I feel like we don't talk about that enough yet. The reality the reality is like you're going to have off days. You'RE GONNA have off years. You're going to have kids. It's going to be hard. There's going to be a lot of responsibility. That comes all that and so she goes. What keeps me going though is knowing that the partner that I have? It's worth it man. I say to myself it's worth it. Because she's in this with me and we're going through it together her and it's worth it for me to keep trying and to keep through the commitment and so I think that I wrote by myself that in the future of like it was all aware that I was gonna say that didn't have a future solve. You just like thank you for that take. My advice is going to be keep eating ice cream but so you should never deprive yourself ice cream. I would say my nice might feature cell is to keep showing my cell how I love myself.
00:25:05 - 00:30:05
So we spoke to Therapists who said how you receive love. Love is actually what you're accustomed to from your past so you you never shown yourself the love that you want. You'll never recognize it in someone else and I found that to be fascinating because we talk about love languages and how you should speak to your partner but you don't know how we love yourself. How would you ever never know how someone else loves you so I bet the advice? That's very good with us. We're going around the south. I I know we are limited on time and I want give everyone a chance to talk to each other but we always get this question water top learnings that you can take away. Okay from the dateable podcast. What are some of the biggest pieces of ice and here are the top five one is you can't control external factors actors? You can only control yourself your thoughts and your behaviors so by US blaming the city by blaming the technology actually actually does no good because that's uncontrollable we can only control how we receive that kind of external factor. Everyone's guilty when you complain about. That's great learning and you're complaining about people ghosting on you. Were people not return to your tax. You're probably guilty of it too so again again. Controlling your own behaviors that number one and it goes a long way. Sometimes if someone doesn't do the actions that you want them to do we have I recognize you. Never know what someone's going through in their journey we've spoken to multiple people who've been on dates who have like one of those great first dates. It's a nothing ever comes out of it and they speak to the other person and you realize they're going through something really rock. You just don't know 'cause you're entering into their life at at this point you have to trenches the knowing Hackett bonds here. You can't hack your way through the love. You have to be in the trenches because you are exactly Zack. Were you need to be. We spoke to a couple who've been friends for eight years before they got together because they need in the eight years of heartbreak. The eight years of murders in other relationships to truly appreciate each other relationships involve other people so for any loans afraid to get to relationship. WHO's like no I think wannabe this independent woman? I don't want anybody time. You doubt actually relationships are about how you relate to other people some war you are afraid of getting interrelationship the more that you don't know how to relate the where we don't know how to connect anymore so don't be afraid to get into relationships at less than at least this is the one that I think is really big is that we should ask for constant feedback so we have this episode called that exit interview where the guy came to us and said keep them going on these dates on hundreds of frosty. None of them amounted to anything. So we're like you know we're GONNA DO WE'RE GONNA call him up so we were states and we ask for honest feedback and you have to listen into this episode because what he perceived from these five dates were completely different than what the women perceived and I can tell you this all five women would have gone out on a second date with him he bought none of them were interested. I dropped A. We should be asking for constant feedback not just ourselves but like mid date. You know even if you're with your partner for like ten years if you're on date night in the middle like are you having a good time. How feeling UH check back? Constant feedback is GONNA help us. You all develop and learn about your partner and yourself and the people around you so those are the biggest learnings that we've taken dateable podcast in view like to be a guest on the doodlebug gas. We're now trying to find guests for season and ten. We were all pledged for season. Nine season ten. We're looking for all sorts of stories we hear from all different perspectives. We've had diaper fetishes as we mentioned a sex party and recorded their. Oh yeah sorry family. Sorry Alec had. We had a single mother. Kamala show. Elite had pollyannas relationships have open relationships we had UNICORNS we yeah UNICORNS. I just kidding uniform one but we want the New York stories. We want a Unicorn is basically a third that a couple adopts into their relationship and take him or her in as a pet for sexual and sometimes non sexual reasons.
00:30:10 - 00:31:38
Ah You're the basic profile the Unicorn relationship independent cute and bubbly. I hi. I'll take you as a unicorn not interested in all different generation all various play. We're here all right okay. So we'll wrap this up. We're GONNA do a little networking working. Get meet and greet and everything but thank you so much to wing into Charlotte from circle for having us here. You're saying is awesome. Thank thank you thank you everyone so this is how we wrap up every so on the counter three safe stay dateable so. We're all going to see that unison. One three one to continue the conversation. I follow us on Instagram facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable. PODCAST TAG has any post with the HASHTAG. Stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com there. Oh you'll find all the episodes as well. As articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums Roseau downloadable. For free on spotify apple podcast Google play overcast stitcher radio and other other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.