BONUS Top 5 Dating Resolutions for 2019

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The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

The dateable podcast features real stories from real people of how they make modern dating work or not your host you a former dating coach turned dating Insider boss will on each episode. You'll hear commentary from my producer Julie kraftchick and other surprised co-hosts. This episode of datable is brought to you by 500 brunches 500 brunches connect like-minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a quick question are about your interest and how you spend your time and then they'll match you in small groups of six to eight at a brunch spot in San Francisco get a free entry in 2 a brunch Now by signing up at five hundred branches and using the code date able. Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of datable a show all about modern dating. Happy New Year everyone before we start season 8. We have two special episodes for you guys that are I guess you can see them as interim episodes where we get everyone off to a good start for 2019. Yeah, that's a good way to put it go off. So this episode we're going to talk about the top five dating resolutions. We should have for the new year and it's all based on what we've learned in the past. Yeah. Yep. So let's start with number 5. I like this one a lot quality over quantity people always feel like it's a Numbers. Game dating is a numbers game. The more people you go on dates with the better your chances are of finding someone you really click with. Well, we actually disagree with that. I think it's more about how you connect with someone and the quality of the date. So you go on I know so many people who thought. On these like random coffee dates or or drink dates that last maybe an hour and they walk away feeling blah and that's how you get dating fatigue. Right Julie. Yeah, I think also like if you're sure it's all about your mindset. So like going on one really great date that you're excited about that you're in like an environment that's warranting like kind of that intimate Behavior. I think that's a lot better than going on like 10 coffee dates that don't go anywhere. Absolutely and the problem with when you date too many people or when you pack your days with so many dates is that once you get one date you're thinking about the next right? And so you don't think about how special the same is when you're like anxious about the next date you have and I always think of my friend Brooke in New York who went off like five thousand two hundred dates or something like that and she was single for a long time because once she was on one day she was thinking about what her Friday looked like and how he didn't want any down time. So she was like trying to pack it in and at the end of the day guess what she found her now husband on an off-day when she had no dates planned. She was just at a bar with friends. Yeah. I remember that Jenna also seeing on one of our episodes the one with Empire Strikes Back about like what was missing in today's dating world was like this like getting ready and getting excited for like the big date like because people think they're so dispensable and like people don't want to get their hopes up and they don't want to do all the stuff which makes sense. Yeah, but at the same time by not like treating me like something big also makes it like not have that same quality. Yeah, I would encourage everyone to go on these states like how you would want someone to date you off. So do you want to be just a number on somebody's list or do you want to be like the date that they have planned for that week and I think I could hear people being like well, I don't want to get dressed up for like someone that might wage. Hang out but there could be also like conversations ahead of time like a filter though. Like I think there's ways to make it that like you're setting yourself up for Success. Yep, and that leads us to resolution number for which is seized the moment more. I think we are so dependent on these dating apps and you know two years ago. We were looking at a lot of dating fatigue and I think last year for the those Seasons that we did it seemed like people were getting off the dating apps and trying to meet people in real life worth trying to get back to the old school way of meeting people and one way I really like our guests Amanda presented though. She was like if I'm somewhere and I see a cute guy and we make eye contact wage. That is my moment. That is my moment to go talk to him and meet him because who knows if I'll ever see him the guy she was like, what do I have to lose? Basically there is absolutely nothing to lose what is wrong with approaching? Other human being and saying hi though. Yeah, I think seize the moment can mean some other things too. Like if you're on a dating app and you're talking to someone or you're a woman and want to make the first move like go forth. Yeah, you know when dating apps first came out.

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I think this Paradox of choice with such a conundrum for people because you always felt like you had better options waiting for you, but I think the last two years people have really realized just because there's an abundance of options on these dating apps. It doesn't mean that they're all right for you. So if you do find someone that you're like remotely interest yeah, we're attracted to seize that moment and try to develop it versus trying to think about the next flight and I think like men to can get in their heads like, oh, I don't want to ask out too soon gain, there is like this mystery that the woman's likewise and this person asking me outside said either party just like go for it. Yeah, if someone presents like an indicator that there's a green light like it's off. The first message that comes out but if you're talking for someone, like people will make hints if they want to like meet up and if not like in the conversation and be like, let's meet up sometime. So Julie, you know that I have a fake dating profile for research purposes, and I'm totally fine to telling you guys and the reason why I have this dating profile is because I want to see how people meet these days. I'm not using these these dating apps for my own personal purposes anymore. But what I found is nobody does a scout it's like maybe 15% I know you've been asked out your lingering convo for a lot of time. So all because you have all that momentum in that first like our that you're talking and then it just dies down the next day and then it delivers nearly died really have to do it in that first hour. But you know, I tried this experiment where I would ask the guys out pretty soon and they would always come back and say wow that was really aggressive you or I've never had Happened so soon it was like people are taken aback by it. So if you do see the moment and ask someone out then you actually stand out from the crowd. All right. Another way to stand out from the crowd is a resolution number three, make more eye contact. Yeah. I cannot tell you how many times a day I would interact with so many people and I forget what they look like because I didn't make eye contact. Yeah, we're soner own world. It's a good one too, cuz it can be on different levels. Like I think like what Amanda was saying? Like, it's a really great way to kind of make that first move at a bar by having them contact cuz then at least you've kind of established that you both have an interest before going and cold. But then also I feel like if you're showing up to dates like making eye contact shows like a presence. Yeah. So I think it's an all stages of like the initial meet and then also like when you're actually starting to date and get to know someone yeah and even if it's you're not home Magically interested in someone tried to just make eye contact with them as practice the other day. I practice trying to make eye contact with every person I came in contact with so I'm not going to Starbucks. No, wow here to the Barista I contact with them and you know what? It was scary. Yeah scary because that's like a moment. That's a moment of like seeing someone but I don't know if you've ever had a conversation with someone that looked down on there talking and I think it's almost it comes off that they like there's something wrong with you. Yeah, it's really about them and them being like insecure or like uncomfortable. Yeah, but it kind of makes them feel like there's like this are of like arrogance in a way like I don't need to look at you and it doesn't feel like they're present with you and connecting. So I think like if you know that habit of yourself to be really conscious of it and then also like if you see it happening with other people, maybe they feel that way but there's no A better chance that they're just not aware of it. So it kind of trying to like give me people to where they are and like try to like maintain eye contact with them. And yeah helps let them or be more comfortable. I think it's absurd that on a daily basis. We're in close quarters with other people and have no idea who they are have no idea what they're saying what they look like what their personalities like you I'm sure you've all written Uber pools and lift lines and not have no idea who the other people in the car look like at all. Yeah. You have a look at them. Yeah. That is a that's a great example of all, it's time to take a quick break. So can tell you about our current sponsor audible. What would it look like if we all listened more listening to audiobooks inspires us motivates us even brings us closer and there's no place to listen than audible you get access to an unbeatable selection of audio books including bestsellers motivation Mysteries Thrillers Memoirs and more. We've really been enjoying our subscription. 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That's a u d i e l e m e or text dateable to 500 500 to get started now back to the show resolution number to expand your type. I feel like I say this every year, but I want to really drive this home because the our friends who've gotten married or are in relationships have always ended up with people dead. Never picture them with yeah, because they always dated a certain type and all of a sudden they meet someone who like hm. I've never I did picture you with this person and they end up with this person. It just shows you that we only know what we know. Yep. So the people you've dated in the past. Yes, you were attracted to them. There's a pattern but there's also a pattern to why they didn't work out right? I feel like the person you are meant to be with may not be someone that you've met already we talked about this on Margo and elise's episode. Well, then it's like some of its like is this your own preference or is it a preference that's been kind of Begin by society and like how you grew up like is it just like the people you're used to like, where is this really coming from and kind of trying to be a little more open my open source, you know in our season finale for season seven we talked about the episode called marriage 101. We talked about social constructs when you react a certain way too long. Something where you have a Affinity towards something it's better to question. Why and where it comes from? Yeah. So when you know, you're typing you think about like your your patterns of dating the same person instead of like I should just keep dating this person. You should ask. Why where does this come from? Where does it stem from? Is it is it something that like I've developed over time or is it something that was like given to me, you know right by culture and Society so it's always good to learn about yourself why you have a certain type and it's always good to push yourself out of your comfort zone and that's how you grow as a person too. And that brings us to resolution. Number one. We need to connect more. I feel like all of these really lead to this point. We need to make more connections and one way to make more connections is asking the why you know, in addition to asking the why with other people you ask the Y with yourself and that's how you connect with yourself, too. Yeah, I think the like song In the moment to like if you're like on your phone or like distracted by other people like it's really hard to connect with someone. So like if you can kind of pretend it away, like that's the only person that yeah in the place at that time like that really can help you like zero in on each other and have that point of connection. So some ways to really connect with someone on a date whether or not you feel attraction towards them or not. It doesn't matter because you are giving them your time and they're giving you their time right? So use that time to make a human connection and what not to do that is to get rid of all that anxiety about what you're doing after the state and when you're doing tomorrow your to-do list be in the moment and say what makes this person tick I want to know. Why did you choose to go on the state? Why did you choose the city to live in? Why did you choose a career path that you've taken all these wise will lead song. You a human connection, you're going to walk away from that day feeling a lot more productive and a lot more like I am a human being and I met another human being and not a drone. Okay. So Julie was laughing at me earlier because you were talking about my mom's friend who over over the holidays told me that I needed to be in the moment more by appreciating each movement that I have and he said one way he does this is taking like having a meal for example where he chews everything 30 times and every chew. He's feeling gratitude towards his food as some of you probably already do this is like mindful eating but this like mindfulness of being in the moment really helps you connect to the world and to your office environment and that's also going to help you connect with other people. All right, so that concludes our top five dating resolutions for 2019. I feel really good about this year, right? Yeah. I think it's going to suck. Year, I feel like that at the end of 2018 people were so open to finding Solutions. Yeah, as opposed to just complaining. Yeah, there was less negativity. Yeah, I agree. I agree. So we're optimistic about 2019 and we want to hear some of your dating resolutions to so definitely let us know reach out to us on a dateable podcast.

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Com. Okay, we're going to wrap up this episode. It was a quickie but a goodie and we'll be back next week with a fun episode to until then guys. We're still blinking guests for season eight. If you would like to be a guest on our show or know someone who be a guest definitely reach out to us. Yeah that note stayed dateable. Happy New Year. This episode of datable is brought to you by 500 brunches 500 just connects like-minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a quick question are about your interest and how you spend your time and then they'll match you in small groups of six to eight months. Brunch spot in San Francisco get a free entry into a brunch Now by signing up at five hundred branches, and using the code date a bold. If you didn't know already, we have a reboot of the website with articles videos and content all about modern dating. You can also find our premium y Series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback about how actionable these episodes are. So check them out on our website or iTunes music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching. We connect you with dateable approved experts to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching and even Gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit dateable podcast, You can also find us on Facebook Twitter and Instagram all under dateable podcast. Don't forget to subscribe and Auto download the podcast wage. ITunes or your favorite podcast player, so you never miss an episode.