BONUS: What you know bout love

Dateable Podcast
January 26, 2021
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January 26, 2021

BONUS: What you know bout love

From Kamala & Doug's #relationshipgoals to Yue turning 40, there's so much to unpack as we also dive into the top 6 episodes that changed the way we view love and relationships.

What you know bout love

From Kamala & Doug's #relationshipgoals to Yue turning 40, there's so much to unpack as we also dive into the top 6 episodes that changed the way we view love and relationships. We'll discuss having trust in your timing, the balance of knowing yourself vs. relating to others, and how this all relates to relationships during the pandemic.

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Episode Transcript

BONUS: What you know bout love

00:00:01 - 00:05:01

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves.  I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

Hello everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating where we dig into the whys of people's behavior including your own. This week was particularly about that. Because we just had a sounding board event about schema with dr lev She was on our last season. And people really love that episode. And if you didn't listen to the episode by scheme as it's all about how you're wired and your core beliefs and which then drives your actions so if you understand your schema understand why you do the things that you do yet well. This was a big week dodgers because of our vet with dr love although that was a highlight of the week but we also had. Obviously the inauguration was a big big event will get to that but even more importantly you as birthday happy again. We've set it a few times but odd air. Officially it feel well. Thanks to julie and louise. I've been eating cupcakes breakfast. There were some certain goals. Cupcakes including cupcakes for doggies. And so both my dog scott. Some really yummy treats just gotta say. I feel pretty good. So when leading up to my fortieth this whole time. I kept thinking. I'm going to have this blowout party. 'cause for my thirtieth where my thirtieth i had a huge bought mitzvah party in new york with two hundred people. So i thought okay for my fortieth. I'm gonna have even bigger party in vegas and have this like i dunno keeps the near our something. I don't know i wanted to do something really fun. And obviously that was not going to happen with covid but it was so nice to not do anything and still get all the attention and affections. I really loved it so you know you're actually still thirty nine because none of us showroom covid that's the raw so next year we are going to vegas and we're making this party even if it doesn't julie i feel like i've come to peace with okay. I feel really good about the way. This whole this whole day turned out. It was really chill. It was very good. It was very much about my closest friends. And my family's so. I felt like i did myself good. You know like there was the right thing to do and it was a lot of self care. I took the day off from work. So i'm happy. I'm happy with the way i turned. I turned forty. But i'm also going to turn forty one next year. So that's big forty-one birthday yup. Well i mean i loved that your boyfriend took you out a beach picnic. That looks amazing. So sweet heated surveys. He gets so nervous when i talk about him but i have to do so much crazy. This is like a nice nice if you think about it in cova when you're in a relationship it's actually a lot of pressure on your partner because you don't especially for birthday celebrations because all of the responsibilities on your partner before you can have your friends take you out. You can divvy up your days now. Your whole day is spent with your partner. You have to think of something to do so. My boyfriend was so sweet. He got me flowers. He got me my favorite meal for lunch. Which sushi. I love love sushi and then he took me on this beach picnic in At santa monica and it was all setup for us when we dislike walked the sunset it was just a beautiful scenery and like it was just the two of us. We didn't bring our dogs and then for dinner. He got us really great french food. It was like five course meal but like at our home so just felt really homey but also just malicious but on top of it all. We had our dateable event so we ask from the beach and then we had this great event with our sounding board members were like thirty seven people on and people say happy birthday to me which is awesome. Because i've never had entered with people. I've never met in person which is like great. It was funny of the day. You were like actually really excited about the events that i like. I feel bad. this is followed your birthday. You're like don't still call. It was actually really fun because we learn about ourselves. I met new people. I learned something about myself too so that was great and then the cupcakes came from julie and louise and that was like. How can this get any better. I really thought it was the most perfect day until notre up. That's what we do have another surprise coming for.

00:05:01 - 00:10:01

You still did not on other out for it and other surprises covey. But maybe you're back at us this week. If it's not ritual rate for the entire week we do a little birthday. Catch-up thank you to all of you and thank you. Thank you louise. I just feel extremely spoiled. And i'm so grateful for the way my fortieth turnout. So i feel i feel good about. I'm still alive. I'm not in a walker. I like you know. Got my botox talks done. I'm good. I'm is the best latest i love it. Everyone at like this group chat you add or what's like debut a look so damn good for four day like if we could look half as good at forty will be a good shape so you you assured us in nicely for was code for talks like arrest for all because that will help you out. Well we're still going to biggest forty-one for let me finish cupcakes. i. I still have leftover birthday cake. My parents got me and then look over sprinkles cupcakes so let me finish all that first and then we'll celebrate the next so worry vegas isn't going to be the. Oh my gosh. We also had the inauguration this week which oh my god just brought tears of joy and like can we just talk about. I mean there's a couple of days to talk about. But like the first of all the attire fashion of that event. I was like damn people are really step it up right now and i loved like the purple like symbolism betwee behind the reason why everyone was wearing purple was basically like bridging. The blue end the read together so i thought that was related. Ice oh i never do that. I thought they just royalty. Well that too. Yeah but i think we just talk about kabbalah. 's husband doug who is our oil second man which i love like. It's like body rental. To begin with. I was talking to co worker about this and she was like i had like tears of joy and i was looking at my two daughters. Do understand how big of a deal this is. They didn't understand at all and she was like. Why can't they understand. Like what is going odd that she was then. She's like babies because they just think this is like they don't get that like this isn't like a normal thing that like women can just do this and she's like in that it's actually kind of amazing that they didn't even think there is a big deal. Iovine i guess that's a really great thing. 'cause we're always so afraid of ring up our kids in this sort of environment but then you realize are some really positive size. Thurs seeing things being done in a way. That's never been done in history. And they think the. It's the norm for us as a new norm for them. It's a norm. I love to like all the beeps going around about being birdie leaves but also lay. The verdict leaves are off the chart. There's also one for all of our. Sf listeners of just like hey plop to dolores park with one of those like Kovic circles that really makes. But i've talked to you about the beads about cabals has been dug in just like how you get yourself a doug just the way he looks at her the way he like let like i mean not that. He shouldn't let her leave like this is her day but like he basically was there to support her fully. And that is what we want in a partnership. That's incredible in. Like i want to find myself a doug board with that. I would love to learn more about their love story because he comes from. This is his second marriage right. he has killed. yeah. I love to know how they mad. How did they find love with each other. And how this. I'm sure they've had numerous conversations about what happens now because relationships about to change. And how do you grow with your partner in this in such a huge role as she stepping into. So it's pretty exciting. Maybe we'll get them on for also kamala. You're listening that would be. That would be a killer. Couple get if we could get the like life made that would be a basic. We have one left. Come on if you like to join a guest on season. Twelve of the dateable podcast which has once been number. Four on the charts. We were featured with you on new a note worthy. You prevent her. I know she's listening right now. Obviously because she has nothing else. Better to do yeah. Yeah we'll send a screenshot. Don't worry we screenshot at that. Shit you buy data but we did. It wasn't even her podcast. A podcast about her whatever matter she knows all about it doesn't matter it's the point it's the floyd anyways it was a. I think also just what to call out to this other thing that made my heart belts. Was that like on day. One joe biden sign like executive orders to have like equality for like lgbtq plus folks in healthcare and all sorts of things like i saw like a few friends of mine that are in that community.

00:10:01 - 00:15:02

Just post like how overwhelmed with choi. They weren't a mike that just made me so happy to see that that they saw a president that day one was like this is a priority to make sure that everyone people like me are as equals. You gotta put yourself in joe. Biden's shoes this guy has been politics since he was in his twenties. He's been wanting to be president. Sense has twenties and now he's approaching. Adhd finally gets to be president. He probably has a long list of things that he wants to do. As president so this guy is probably the most anxious man in america. Right now you can. You imagine if you've been waiting for almost sixty years to do shit practice so anxious to get started like forget the celebration late. Let me get an office and get started on this crap. I think he had like thirty orders or something on day. One signed something like that. Eddie always i also got kabbalah ice cream by other what lurch there sounded weird the way there is smitten ice cream and san francisco. It's like this friday. Will that doesn't live in san francisco. They like hampshire out ice cream. It's amazing they made. Mvp flavor madam vice president and all is like faces odd container. So i got it over tori. I saved the qatar. what's in it. It was free pecan praline. It was really good actually yum. It was their ice cream is bomb for anyone. That is a local. Yeah it was cool. I'm going to have to get some yet. It might still be back. Who knows they might might have been limited but you can try. You might as well shoot your shot. Are you gonna save the container. Yeah i did. I saved the whole data. Because i be gnarly but i saved the top. Oh yeah that's a good idea. Yeah the whole contender. Because she's her face is like all melting exactly like the ice cream at it. Yeah so that would not be good. Cool all right. So what does this episode about know. Everyone's like you guys just shooting the shit here. This is basically we have a couple more bonus episodes and then we're going to get into season twelve. I i thought cannot believe season twelfth. It's amazing but we have so many good things in store for you all and we're so excited to get back into our regular seasons so what is episode about. We've thought we each bring you our top. Three episodes from last season. That changed the way. We view love and relationships We don't know our top three yet. It'll be a surprise for each other but we're going to start on on our top three now before we do that. We do have a message from our sponsor. Better help so for the new year. What are some things you like to change your life to find more happiness. What do you think is preventing you from achieving your goals while the simple answer really is prioritizing your mental health. We adaptable are huge. Fans of therapy and better help can match you with your own. Licensed therapist and connect you in a safe in private online environment. I was able to start communicating with my therapist and less than forty eight hours. Better help is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches and it's more affordable than traditional offline counseling. They're licensed professional specialize in everything from stress and new year's resolutions exiled I dunno presidential inaugurations so for the new year we wish for all of you to live a happier healthier life and that's why as a listener you'll get ten percent off your first month by visiting our sponsor at better help dot com slash dateable. Join over one million people who are taking charge of their mental health again. That's better help. H. e. l. p. dot com slash dat ap l. e. We're gonna roll right into our. Each of us are gonna choose top three episodes from this past season that changed the way we view love and relationships. I'll start with mine. Yes furred one eight the season opener. Trust in your timing with bradley. She wrote a book called which way to happiness. And it really was about getting to a crossroads in your life. Like let's say when you turn twenty five or thirty or forty these are major milestones. Where you question of. You're supposed to if you're if you are where you're supposed to be and that conversation was about liberating yourself from that. Thought because honestly you're never really where you thought you would be. Otherwise you'd be a psychic so trusting in your timing and trusting in the fact that wherever you are today is exactly where you're supposed to be but your future is in your hands and you have full control of how you live your life because you're making daily decisions that are driving. How your life pans out so instead of having the social constructs tell you how to live your life. You are in control of how you drive your life and i ib ipad. I also picked that one so we gonna have overlap on some of them. And i was wondering if that was going to be one of them.

00:15:02 - 00:20:02

I also find interesting. You pick that one givens. We talk so much about milestone birthdays. And he's had one. How do you think like listening to that. Episode ashley played into your own like relationship and dating life. You know we were sitting at the beach on my fortieth my boyfriend. And i and we were looking around and he was like i really. I never thought this would be my life at forty because he's also ordered and i was like same here and then we were talking about like. How did you think your life would be a forty and we never really thought. Oh my gosh. I think at forty i picture myself sitting in a house with like five kids or whatever. I'd just didn't picture that. But i just assumed i would be where everybody else is. I just assumed that my life would be look exactly like my neighbor. Who's forty and it's not true and it's really great to know that we've carved out a life ourselves that is. It's a little bit spontaneous and it's a little bit unpredictable but it's nice because we are not trying to fit ourselves in a box. So i think that episode really fed into my whole mindset of turning forty i freak out did not think i needed this this and that forty to go well. It was very peaceful for me to think well. However i turned forty forties. Exactly how i'm supposed to turn forty. Yeah well i mean. I think that's a big trend. In general like i think other old older generations there was like one define path that you tuck so you kind of visions yourself like agree. I whenever like thought about like. Oh i'd have a house full of children by just kind of assume that would be. That would be it happened. Yeah exactly but i think what's happening now is like everyone is carving their own lives and like people at different ages can have totally different lives in the mashing they don't mash in like it doesn't matter it's kind of like everyone is on their own path. Yeah and that's so wonderful to know to know that you are the one creating your life that is just so so it's just so empowering to feel that So i also had that what my less. So i'll play off of it. But i actually cheated a little combo with this so julian you know i'll be like pig top five and she's like seven but i'm going to i three of them into one lupul. It's the lou. I told you the sporting i was like i woke up at three. Am but i had a revelation. Yes i need to hear. It's so i think it's a combination of the fact that like you had this idea for this episode so last night. She's like. Could you pick three episodes so i started thinking about that. Then we obviously had the scheme as workshop this week. And then i've also been really into numerology. Don't know if you've ever like oh. So maybe we should have numerology Expert ask please. And but they basically look like your birth chart and i'm also really into strategy late which i know where you're crystals like what's next actually ironic. Because the the what i'm gonna pick is key nova so while we're talking about crystals i might as well reveal episode but it was basically season eleven episode fourteen. What's holding you back with nikki. Novo n. nikki nova is like an intuitive dating coach and she does readings and she did readings for you a at i and we talked about our readings but also more like broadly like what is holding people back when it comes to finding love and dating and even when we talked about me being more recently single. 'cause i think i talked to her right after ended things with my accident. You you a like in a relationship but like how do you get like taking the next steps in a relationship all of that so we kind of covered it from all different angles. That episode for me at least brought up was the timing thing again. That's why i brought them together. That's why cheated in she kind of like iterative to like having trust in your timing like you're not behind you're just on time like you're the type of person that needs to observe. You need to see how it's done and then you'll do it and she's like you're going to have all the things you just need to get there on the right time for you so i think that one was really important for me and it. It's this whole distrusting. That it's gonna work out in not having these deadlines to it and also not clinging with fair to each last person. People can have mixed opinions if they believe in readings and all that. But i think there is something nice about like knowing like okay like she told me like this birth year. I'm gonna find my person. And like i might have this period that i feel like almost like down about things and like i'm almost like giving up because of just like that. It's been a while. I've gone through the dating ring around for a while.

00:20:02 - 00:25:11

I don't know if that's the right word. But you know what i mean carrizo. I dunno regretted outs outright As i was saying we'll scour that we'll go of it and she basically was like don't lose hope and i think that is the problem so much with dating. Is that lake. Kind of like give preview into an episode this season but we have janice our moderator. We talked about dating trauma and it was amazing episodes. I can't wait for that one. It's like when things go wrong in your dating life over and over again. It's hard to have that faith in. It's hard to like preserve that you are on the right path and like things will work out when they're meant to work out and i think just hearing that from her like in that you know it's it's normal to feel that way like i thought that was really assuring and i think Gallic i was kind of getting to my revelation. But i think like with that. Plus like all these workshops. I think it numerology. That's where do you basically put it together julie. Putin this is a revelation. It's gotta be big so basically new raji there's like your life number like that's basically like the path that you're taking it. I was a number one which means that you have a lot of leadership capabilities. You're very driven. You like get things done. You have like a bright future all the stuff but a lot of it is that you kind of like sometimes go at things alone in like don't necessarily like let people in as much in their like that's kind of the area that you need to work on and i was thinking about it in this like word of trust and i think that is something that actually like i've gotten better about like trusting my own intuition but i think i need to like work on trusting others and kind of like letting them into my life and not feeling that they're going to like fail me and i think like with this combination of the scheme as workshop but we'll get into that because that's definitely one of my other top episodes. Maybe i'll just happy the revelation they keep going but like with the scheme as episode higher wired for relationships i was a perfectionist and one of the things with perfectionists is that you like to control things and sometimes the partnerships you're out of control because you are relying on someone else and one of the other pieces like Abandonment schema and having this fair that like people won't follow through on actions in one of the things that abby talked about in the workshop is how do you turn those schema into values for your relationship in like what do you do. The scheme has come up and like often. Like if i feel like someone's pulling away i'll pull away but that isn't really the relationship i want. I want someone that's gonna to be consisted. I want someone. That's gonna be there at all that so i think where i'm going with. This is that. I've i'm learning to just put my foot forward intellect relinquish some of that control into like that may be like trust is a difficult part for me. So it's not just trusting your timing but it's just trusting others a bit more and letting those people like giving people a chance you know like opposed to just like feeling like i need to control everything. Yeah i think it's just controlling your risk for disappointment risk for resentment because if we're constantly expecting people to fail us than it's a self fulfilling prophecy able absolutely happened but if you give them to you step forward hoping that they will step forward that's a chance to learn about them and abby talks about this shoe always give the other person a chance to give you information. That's what we're doing interesting work collecting information on about judgment so you set forward and they step forward. That's collecting information. My partner will meet me but if they step backwards you're like. Hey that's not the partner. I wanna be with. Because it doesn't align with my values right in another teaser alert. We have this basic episode coming up with connor beaten and we kind of asked to about emotion. It's all about emotional availability. And i asked him a question about like. Is this a sign. Someone's not emotionally available. And he totally turned it around on me. And i was like this is amazing that you know you kind of like we talk about this. It's like you can't just ask the why of others you're to ask the why of yourself in his whole point like is you can say like. Hey i'm looking for a relationship. That's x y and z. And if someone can't meet you there like better to find that out earlier into like asked move on but if you don't say anything like then you're just making assumptions. You're not really giving someone even a chance to say that they can or can't meet you. We had a really good question in our workshop. Someone asks is a too aggressive to ask these questions on earlier dates. Yeah the answer is no your values are what you stand by daily basis if you're afraid to ask if someone's aligned with your own values then you're afraid to get into a relationship that's really.

00:25:11 - 00:30:05

Yeah crux of it. It's it's a. You're not ready for relationship the way we can carve out a relationship that we want is to ask for what we want it because no relationships starts out out of the box like exactly how you want it. There's nobody out there like that. There is no perfect fit for you. You have to create the perfect fit. And that's what we really learn from these episodes is that everything is your control. We gotta stop thinking about. Oh is this going to scare someone off. Are they going to like me less this. No it's your fucking wife right and if you can't have that relationship from day one it's going to be a lot harder to have that like three months our months in like i think i've been under this mindset like i don't do anything too early to lay off be easy going. I think we've all been there. And i think people still have those thoughts. I'm kind of like now in this world like fuck it. Like i'm just gonna put it out there and it's again it's all you say things. It's not what you say it's how you say right so i think like a long winded revelation. Is i think this trust word is like a big one that i've learned in. Its trusting your timing trusting your intuition but also trusting others because we talk about this too. It's like we can do all the self work. And i think everyone should be doing this off work but if you're also not engaging other people than you're not you're not setting yourself up to learn about relationships because the reality is a released chip is with another human being yup absolutely. Did you just reveal your top three like all oled momentum one now so to work by chuck i still have a but i think like just just to round out the scheme us peace. I think the whole scheme as conversation did you have. Scheme was on your list. Or was you knew. I was gonna pick cross it off but it's definitely yes revolutionary episode if you've listened to scheme a scheme scheme as the one Higher wired route four relationships was our top episode of last season. All these like psychology ones in this one. We kind of looked at as you know. If you took personality types attachment theory this is like the ultimate of getting to know yourself. And it's all about the core beliefs you have and that you don't necessarily have to change the core beliefs but you can change your behaviors. At least for me. Hamad date differently is looking at this perfectionism scheme as a need to control and like how do i relinquish control a bit and let others you know. Meet me and step up and you know it doesn't have to be just with relationship like it can be people. I'm dating back not so tests with you. You a like you know like different people in my life that i can just start to like place. More faith in other people opposed just feeling like i have to do everything myself. Yes good awesome. Create more or less stress for yourself okay. Then i'll go to my second one season. Eleven episode five secs lists in the city with aaron from an a podcast called the refine collective. I really enjoyed this episode. Because she is a thirty some year old woman in new york city living it up as she chooses to abstain from sacks. She's a christian woman but she chose. She came to these choices herself. She didn't grow up in a christian household. She found christianity herself. And she didn't grow up in a household that condemned sex and I think for for her she was like you know what i think intimacy is going to be a huge piece for me that i value and that i wanna keep sacred so i i am going to wait till marriage for sex so that conversation really helped me realize one. I've been taking sex for granted So how do i. How do i treat each time. That i have sex as a new experience. And how do i appreciate it more with every little moment. That happens during sex sometimes. We're just like okay. This is this is me talking by the way. I go if i get on top. I'm gonna come like that's just gonna happen because It's happened in the passes. Just it's always going to be. But what if. I treat each each new experience as i actually don't know if i can orgasm in this position let's see like be open to Other ways of finding pleasure during sex instead of the ways. I've known that i can find pleasure during sex. I also love her thoughts about intimacy. Because we don't often tie intimacy with with sex. Sometimes i've heard a lot of my friends. Say this i can't just turn on a button and say i'm ready for sex. I can't just turn on and say i'm horny. It doesn't happen like that because there needs to be some level of intimacy so in my own relationship i've thought about.

00:30:05 - 00:35:03

How do i create more intimacy and deepening that intimacy. So that when we do have sex it becomes a deeper more meaningful experience as opposed to just going through the actions. Because i'm trying to hit my quota of like have you sex three times a week. I love that you pick that one too because like your daughter ethic what i love about it. Sorry to blow your cover by. I feel like you know like sometimes people do skim over episodes of they're like this isn't applicable. But i really believe that you can learn in take away something from everyone's experience even if the experience isn't directly to you and i think i had a similar reaction that you did is like it made me think about sacks in a different way and like the intimacy sex not just the act of sex so it's like what's your relationship with sacks. That was a question that was posed in that episode. And it's a good one and like sometimes you're right. We take it for granted. We don't think about all that stuff so having that fresh perspective really did help with that ya even. If you've had sex with eight million people the next person you have sex with or the next time someone asks you know create a different experience. So he doesn't feel so familiar and so you can appreciate and be grateful for each. Yep so. I really like that episode. And what's your last one should we. Should we take a quick break before we get into the last ones do it. Here's a special message from our sponsor. Gobble do you remember at the beginning of the pandemic when everyone was like super pumped about cooking and sharing their food photos right. Remember that and like a million months later. No one's posing their food photos anymore because we're all so frigging sick of cooking. I know at least for me. I just need variety my meals. And i can't -ccomplish that by just cooking on my own. That is why gobble is the perfect meal delivery solution because you can whip up delicious healthy meals in fifteen minutes or less gobble and listen army of sous chefs that do the time consuming work for you. And we just try the glazed salmon and was divine. Everything comes with pre portioned fresh ingredients such as already chopped veggies spice blends and perfectly summer sauces. Just picked meals from gobbles extensive menu each week including a variety of flavors classic dishes global recipes and delicious vegetarian options plus a line of lean and clean recipes featuring low calorie and low carb options and by the way they also have breakfast and desserts. Yup that's right. See what a difference gobble will make for your household there are offering our listeners. This fantastic limited time deal for six meals for just thirty. Six dollars plus free shipping. That's dinner for two people for three nights all for just thirty six bucks. An offer only available through gobble dot com slash. Dateable get a special offer now by going to gobble dot com slash dat ab l. e. for six meals thirty six bucks. This episode is brought to you by thrive cosmetics. We all know that when it comes to beauty products. They're just so many choices. But we're going to make the choice simple for you. Try thrive cosmetics. A line of high performance award winning products that are both vegan and cruelty free plus for every product. You buy they donate to help. A woman thrive there clinically proven formulas highlight your best features and improve your skin over time. All thrive products are formulated without parabens selfish and ballads. Those of you who've been listening to us for a while know that we are obsessed with the liquid. Lash extensions peschiera a best selling product. That's sold every five seconds. I've totally given up lash extensions since using this mascara. This flake free smudge free and clump mascara has more than eleven thousand five star reviews and one glamorous clean beauty products of twenty twenty award for the best mascara start thriving and help women in need today by going to thrive cosmetics dot com slash dateable for fifteen percent off your first purchase. That's thrive c. a. u. s. e. medics dot com slash d. a. T. e. a. b. l. e. for fifteen percent off your first purchase thrive cosmetics dot com slash dateable k. We'll get back into it now. My last one i had was it was season. Eleven episode fifteen is too fast a bat. Oh bat one with caffeine. Yes and the reason. I pulled this one out is because we talked a lot i mean just to give like a quick recap kevin. First of all tells of the basic story. I can't even like his storytelling skills right this so if you want to hear the whole you got elicit yourself. But he basically talks about meeting someone via clubhouse which is the new app and in during the pandemic someone he lived across the country that they basically had like one of those kind of virtual instinct connections where they talked all the time for a month and really like moved quickly in into a relationship than before actually even meeting.

00:35:03 - 00:40:01

And i think honestly that is the reality. That's happening this day and age. Kovin so i feel like if you were to save at like years ago about like folly for someone before actually meeting. We'd be like what are you crazy. But now that's like they're you know it's totally standard part of the course so i think he talked about in alternately. This didn't end up working out. He did make the trip to see her and ultimately he felt like they move too fast in. That was like the question was like that we pose to the episode is like is it a bad thing to move too fast because on one hand like he said that he felt like like they met friends too early. They met family too early. Lake things kind of moved at more Turbo relationships speed and maybe their connection wasn't there yet so if they had moved slower would've worked out then on the flip side. It's kind of like this. Fail fast mentality. That like you know you are getting into relationships. One of the challenges before cove it was like people were so like half in half out like seeing someone once a week or once every two weeks and barely talking it just never gets things off the ground so anyways the reason i chose this one for myself is i've been doing a lot more virtual dating lately and like having some of these connections like i was back in boston. Couldn't actually meet people. And i've been wondering this too because like the you know like i have talked to people a lot more before meeting them and i think ultimately i do think it's a good thing that we're doing this right now and i think like it's bringing like excitement back to dating. It's making it feel like you're you know like you. You can build connection with someone a bit. I think though there is like a double edged sword to this one. And that's why like i did bring it up as one. That's changed my perspective. Because i guess the piece that i'll say that i'll change my perspective is i'd rather go all in and this kinda ties to when i was saying earlier. Is that like i'd rather bring my full. South inhabit not work out and not bring my full self in realized that earlier. That's just not a compatible match but that being said like. I think the one caveat is that like we do still need take inventory that we might not fully know this person and not get totally ahead of ourselves if like something comes up in their life that they're not comfortable sharing or whatever that might be. I think it's okay to say like hey like we still don't know each other that well yet like i need to like pause it a little on this whatever front it is and i think as the receiving end on that like being realistic like okay. Yeah i've only been talking to this person a week or i. I don't know this. I that well so i don't while i guess the the long winded point. I'm trying to make is. I think it's a good thing that we are moving fast but i do think we need to be realistic expectations in not take it personally and not be afraid to communicate and then i guess it's also it's all relative right what's fast would slow and don't set these timelines for yourself and say like measure yourself against this imaginary timeline. It's it's all about going with. Your intuition goes back to nikki. Novo- said it's like your hand on your heart and say is it. Does this feel right. Does this feel good in my body. Right now And van move forward if it feels good. i think. sometimes we're so hard on ourselves. It's going too fast. It's going to slow. It's not it's not where it's supposed to be. We keep creating so much anxiety and drama around the unknown that we forget to really marinate in the present and enjoy your company with your with this person right so i i really enjoy that episode as well i you yeah i mean i think what mickey said i've been trying to do this like feel my body or i think that is a feel your yeah i feel like i use my head so much door. Always listen to my body. And i'm really trying twenty twenty one to like pay attention to like body cues of it more your like. I think it's a it's expectations. It's not that it's moving too fast. Like it's i think it's a good thing if someone wants to contact you daily knew how to hear from them to like. Obviously if you don't wanna hear from them that's a different story but if both parties want to hear from each other that's not a bad thing but you also can't be like oh my god. I found the one necessarily that might be like too much expectation. So it's like. How do you balance going all in but not like totally having like fantasy atlantic expectations. Ebayer exactly exactly awesome. Okay so then. My last pick is no surprise. Here are season finale with. Can you have it all. I mean i knew you're gonna pick And do at this point. It's our season finale.

00:40:01 - 00:45:01

With the world renowned journalist may lee. She is in her fifties single without kids and talks about how she has no regrets in life. And can you really have it all and her answer is you can have it all. Maybe just not all at the same time You find alignment in your life at different times at different phases and you just have to appreciate when those things happen for you so i think what my main takeaway from this was you know we always have this fear of like would if i get to an age of like the fifties and sixties and i'm not married and i don't have even though those are may not be the things i want right now will live regret it later in life and talking to may she's kind of like listen. I'm happy i'm not. I've never been married. I don't have kids but companionship for me. Now is an added bonus. It's a cherry on top. It's no longer an necessity it's not like. I have to have companionship in my life. So even after we recorded this episode she ended up finding a man and she is now in exclusive relationship with this wonderful man seemingly It's not like she had to have this but it was a nice to have in. It's wonderful that she found this person her life so it really resonated with me just because it rid of all the fears that i had about the future unknowns because again it goes back into our whole theme of everything we've talked about what the previous episodes to you are in control of your life so you have to mold it in a way. That feels good for you. That it's align with your values and that you can move forward and say i really lived a great life like looking back. If i stood on a mountain i looked back at my life. The last forty years. I feel really good about what i did. Yet let's all that really matters. I gotta ask you because you did talk about this on our sounding board episode that you were kind of like a lot was coming up for you like entering forty of just like as a milestone year at one of the thoughts was talking to me about like how to account for the future. Do you ever end up with her anything. Not in depth. Well the thing is like you just have to follow me on her social. You're like no. I just follow her. That i get by titus out of her window right now. I know she is a boyfriend. Because i see her through the keeped. She didn't tell me herself. Arabi never talk to those girls are very. I'm just kidding. If you just follow me on her social media you see that the way she views life is just different. It's just like it's not the way most social media. I guess Influencers would post. She's very raw. She's like if she gives zero fox. About what you think. But she wants you to. She wants to tell you what she thinks and how she feels. In the moment she doesn't censor anything. She doesn't feel like she needs to like sugar coat. Anything which is really really refreshing because she has journalists and journalists have a way of spinning the information. That's put out there. She just puts it all out there. She's very raw. So i really enjoy that about her. And it made me. Think wow in my forties michaels to give less fox and Less filter and put it out there like. Why shouldn't the world get the authentic. Ua they should. They should the world desserts. And take you. I love how we went. Full circle from trust in your timing to The can you have it all with may leagues. I feel like i mean. We went full circle in the season. But that also right now as our top techs. And i think we actually like those not that far apart and we're like it's interesting because there's a lot of the similar themes that are coming up this whole season around like you know this fear of the future and what does it have or like being held back by the past and i think ultimately like we don't know what we're going to want our fifties we don't know like there's a lot of that fair going on. I've have had it too. It's like if i don't want children now. Will i regret that in two years and like you just don't know is the reality. So it's you kind of to live life according to your values and what you wanna do like. There's never silver bullet that has all the answers and like whatever life path. You're on right this minute absolutely absolutely so those are our top. I don't even know like i came in count. How many episodes we stuck. We stuck with six. We start because julie snuck wanted. Hey we ended overlap skirt. Those are top. Six ish episodes fat from last season. That changed the way we view love and relationships. We love to hear from you which is really resonated with you or help to do something differently.

00:45:01 - 00:49:28

Take different actions have a different mindset. And that's the goal was able is that we are constantly trying to figure out ways to change our perspective we are constantly evolving so why shouldn't our mindset right. Don't so i really love that. We can have the discussion look back on our last season. But also get everyone revved up for season twelve which is coming up very soon with new revelations new learnings new experts new stories new everything that we are very ecstatic to bring to you and you can still submit your story. We still have some open spots for season. Twelve so dateable podcasts dot com slash story. You can use the form. fill it out. We'll see if it's a good fit or if there's any even if you don't want to be a gas near dislike this topic would be awesome. Like feel free to shoot us an email at. Hello at dateable. Podcasts dot com. And yeah it also just an other news like we're gearing up for the most dateable contest is going to be super fun. We have tickets that are available to the general public. it's dateable podcast dot com slash events. You can get your tickets alicarte or you can join the sounding board. And then basically. If you're in the event tears it will be included and if you join the the tier that's not an events you'll get like a discount code that makes it a little cheaper too so definitely joined us for that most dateable contest. We're going to be revealing but contestants this week right. Yes our top six contestants competing for the crown of most dateable twenty twenty one. We got some amazing videos and there were like somebody to pick from like instill another judge panel because there were way too many videos incredible cells. Okay super excited about the six that we're going to end up picking we are so and while you're online searching for all of that you might as well. Just go to apple podcasts. And give star review. Hey already they're already online. just help. how gets a five hundred. We're almost five hundred. My goal in life is to be at one thousand. That would be amazing. Your goal in life while well. Maybe not every julie craft really have never allergy coming through my gosh. Relinquish that control woman to get you million rem use. Beverly young you go. Yes you're reviews are really helpful for us not only for for perception. Wise makes makes us look good. It is helpful for us to get the right guest because legit favorable reviews also help us with rankings. Helps us win entre ships. It's just all around helpful for everything that podcasters do. And i'm only. I'm not saying this. Just for us for other podcasters the sake while you're giving us a five star review. Hey give cat. Hair is a five star review from the refined collected. Go for it Nikki novo her. Podcast too so yup all your on their disco wanna stars free. I think christina bradley from trust your timing also launched a podcast recently so all the guests may lee has a podcast. We have so many of our any. Let's give it to them as boom boom boom so really appreciate that. And then we'll be back for one last bonus episode next week before we kick off season twelve year old while. I'm going to wrap this up. Stay jailable the dateable. Podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Five more podcasts. You'll love at frolic dot media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation. I on instagram. Facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable. Podcast tag in any post with the hashtag. Stay dateable and trust us. We get all those foes then head over to our website dateable podcasts dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well. As articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums roseau downloadable for free. On spotify apple podcasts. Google play overcast. Stitcher radio and other podcasts. Platforms your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.