Ever been in a situation where you know it's not your person....yet you keep staying because the sex is so.damn.good? We feel you as we chat on this week's brunch talk about how to break free from the dickmatization, if being p*ssytized is even a thing, and how to have faith that you'll find someone eventually that meets all your needs – in and out of the bedroom.
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#brunchtalk: Help! I've been Dickmatized
00:00:01 - 00:05:02
The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host UA Shu, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Hi, brunchables, welcome to another episode of brunch talk by the date of podcast. We are back for another episode and we were back COVID free so you don't have to worry about us coughing on you during this episode as you've heard us coughing before. We could go to brunch, we could go to broad officially. We are allowed to eat. I feel like I've definitely still a little congested, but COVID free. So that's all that matters. Yeah, I'm just like, can not speak for more than 5 minutes at a time without trying to get something out of my system. So it's much better. It's much better than before, and we can definitely socially hang out with people now. Yeah. I actually headed to brunch in a couple of hours. Yeah, what o'clock PST, so this has been out for a couple hours. I know a few weeks ago, I'm like, oh yeah, brushes early. You're like, what have you ever eaten a brochure? I guess proof that I didn't, but I got this reservation for my mob originally because she was supposed to be in town, but she moved her trip because of me getting COVID. Oh, yeah, makes sense. Where are you going? Forward cinema, which is like a good broad reservation. So I hit up some other friends to see if they wanted to go. That's awesome. The brush reservation will be in use, regardless. Good. Good, especially for foreign cinemas. It's hard to get a reservation there. I'm going to brunch and my friend Jamie's house, you know, Jamie, Julie. And she is making me some French toast, but she has CBD infused boba tea, which I've never even heard of. Interesting. I can't wait to try it, and I'll let you know if I'm too high to talk after. This is like the new bottomless proboscis. Yeah, CBD drinks. I actually hasn't, I haven't had an alcoholic drink in two weeks, right? And well, because of COVID, but I have them been craving it at all. It's great. Yeah. Neither have I. And that's the end of that conversation. Yeah, nothing to say there. But anyways, we got some good ones. So without further ado, we'll just get into it because this is a good brunch talk for sure. Yes, here is the question. Okay, everybody drink whatever your drinking right now before I tell you the question. All right, drink up. The question is, help, I've been dick Matt's by someone who is not good for me. How do I get out? Provide a little more context. We got a submission in. And I've heard this before in other formats too, but in a situation ship, it's during a year. I know this person is not right for me. I know that we do not want the same things. Therefore, I know I should add this relationship, but the sex is so good that I get pulled in basically every time they come back. And I don't have a ton of other prospects right now. My brain is telling me to leave, but my libido is telling me to stay. Oh. The curse of the dick. That is real, y'all. Have you experienced this before, Julie? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I think we all have. And you were like, this is not a good situation. Yet. And you try to justify it. Right, but you're like, but I'm just, I'm also enjoying this, right? Yeah. It's not a big deal. And I'll just keep this going until I find someone who's right for me. Well, no, that dick is exactly what's stopping you from finding the right person. A 100%. We got to bring it back to the ultimatum because show is just too much to take. But how stigmatized was Valerie was at Maryland Valerie, what was her name? The one that actually ended up getting a gauged to Colby. Oh, Mallory. Madeline Madeline. There were too many people on that cast that I could not keep them straight. But Madeline was this blunt girl that I swear she rolled her eyes every time he spoke. She hated it. Hated him. And I was like, why is she even here? But then you'd get her talking about their sex life? Yes. And she's been dictated. That's exactly why she's still here. And the one thing she didn't like about her trial marriage partner Randall was that he wasn't sexual enough. Exactly. Yes. Yes, the dick can do wonders if you find the right dick. But here's some thing. Just because you find one good day doesn't mean that there aren't other better dicks out there.
00:05:02 - 00:10:01
The problem with you being dignified dick Matt is so hard to say that works. The problem with you being dictates is that you think there's no better dick so you want to stick with this one because you think it's so rare to find such a good dig. But imagine a world where you can be dictated with someone who actually wants to be with you what a concept what an amazing dick that would be. Instead of this current dick who's an actual dick, who is not giving you what you want. Other than just serving you dick to trying to string you along. This tech needs to go to make room for a much bigger, better dick. How many times could you say dick and what's did I break a world record? I don't know. I lost track of how many times you said it because you said it so many times. I need a trophy. You definitely need to be a Guinness Book world records. Do you think they have one for that? We can always start one. Just start a category. We will win that one. But I agree. It's so hard because yes, sex is important in a relationship. We're not going to say it's not. But it also is not the only thing, and I think sometimes when it is the only thing in the current relationship, that's what there's even an extra emphasis on it, of how important it is. Sometimes you just got to cut the cord. I feel like you know this person that wrote in knows this isn't a good situation. They know that the only reason they're holding on is because the sex is really good. So that's not going to change. It's 6 months of the year. It's going to be the exact same situation. So of course you're not going to leave voluntarily. If that's how you're justified yet. It needs to be a reflection of what is it that I really want in a partnership. And of course, maybe from this experience, really good sexes, something. But yeah, like I think the more you justify staying here, like nothing's going to change. Nothing's going to change. I can guarantee you. So what are some of the actionable next steps for you to take? Because for anybody asking this question, you know that this is not a situation you should be in. You know, it's not good for you, but for some reason you can't get out. So here are some ways to get out. One is, how would you treat this person differently if you knew that they were serving dick to other people? And I'm only saying this because the men who are very good at serving dick are not disturbing dick to you. They're serving dick to whoever they can get because they know they're good at this thing, right? So if you knew that this person, because they're not committing to you, how do you know they're not sleeping around with other people? How would you feel and how would you treat this situation differently if you knew that fact? Because I can almost guarantee you it's a fact. The second thing to think about is, next time you interact with this person, if you truly want to get out of this situation, is to not meet up with them in a private environment. Don't go to their house, don't have them come over to your house, meet in public, and see them for who they are, because a lot of times the people who are very good in bed will hide between their dick. Behind their dick, not between their dick. That was early one day. Maybe that's why they're Jake Michigan used so much. A lot of slapping you dizzy. Oh my God, I'm dick my ties. You're like, we were all these dicks coming from. Okay, I mean, you bite not be able to find someone else like that. If you find a guy who can't boo hockey you, just with one dick, then don't let him go. That's just talent. Talent right there. It just reminds me of the sex of the city episode, though. Remember Carrie had that fuck what fuck buddy, that the sex was really good. So she's like, why am I not trying to date this person? And then they went out on a date to a sushi restaurant. He said, saki to be. Yeah. With some mortified. And she looked at him and she was like, I have no attraction to you. So I agree with you like maybe the way to get over this and see this person for who they are is putting them in settings where you know that they're not gonna beat your standards. If it's always in the bedroom, of course it's gonna be your standards. Yes, always. Always. And then the last thing I would say about getting out of this situation is to look inward. Sometimes we get dignified when we are in places in our lives where we're feeling low self esteem or we're needing validation, we're feeling lonely. So this dick may not be more special than the other ones. It's just fulfilling a need war catching you at a time of weakness. So rather than dealing with the external dick, deal with the internal turmoil. What's going on inside so you can feel more confident with what you're going through and who you are versus looking for validation from a piece of flesh. That was so deep. Literally and figuratively. I think the other thing that I would add is it's so easy to think this is better than nothing.
00:10:02 - 00:15:06
I've been in that trap before. I've definitely stayed bad situation where, you know, I think part of it was because the sex was good too. I stayed in this bad situation champ for almost two fucking years, which is crazy. I wish I could get that time back. But what used to cross my mind was like, this is here. And it's good. And what else is out there? I don't know. It's unknown. Maybe there's a period where I have no one. And personally, the way that I got out of those traps of falling for people that weren't good for me weren't giving me the whole package relationship wise. They were a situation ship or a Friends with benefits or someone that was not returning the feelings essentially and giving a reciprocal relationship was by taking time alone. And look, your vibrator can be your best friend. You have no one, you know? And maybe taking that time off, like if you do go from this really great sex situation to someone else, you'll start to compare it, but maybe taking that time off and being with yourself more. Yeah. Again, literally and figuratively by yourself. That will help you unravel this stigmatized situation you're at. Master date and master bait. A double whammy. The best way to master date is to masturbate. That should be a bumper sticker. You should be out, yes. I would put that all over my car when I'm not driving it on the road. Can you imagine? Driving best way to masturbate to faster pain. How many honks you would get on the road? People high fiving like air high fiving you? People jerking off in the air. That's like maybe it should be a T-shirt, but that it's like a cross your boob is that better or worse. I don't know. Julie, if you look worse anywhere, public, okay? Sorry, all that will be the merch store. We're doing you a favor by not creed. We will create a meme. We won't create a meme of it because then you can just have in your phone and laugh at it. But in all seriousness, I think what that kind of behavior also shows that it's a very avoidant behavior when you allow someone to digitize you, you're avoiding the true feelings that need to be addressed or the true issues that need to be addressed. I remember I was dignified when I was cheating on my boyfriend. We had been together for 5 years. I wanted to get out of the relationship. I didn't know how. We were living together. He went away for a business work, trip, whatever, and I started sleeping with this guy. I thought he had the best dick in the world when ultimately he was just the dick that helped me get out of this relationship and also to kind of meet me when I was lonely or when I was feeling like I was lacking validation in my own relationship. But looking back, I would never do that again, but that's had nothing to do with that dick. It was just where I was in my life. Well, I think, you know, there's a saying, right, that the best sex of your life is usually not the people you end up with. It locks your relationships. And I think some of it, I mean, I don't know if I believe that a 100%. I think it depends on how you define sex, right? Like if it's based on the intimacy, then I don't think that's true. But I think some of it is because of the adventure that comes with the unpredictability, the not knowing when it's going to happen or what's going to happen. And you have to ask yourself, is that actually what I'm looking for long term? It can be exciting, but exciting doesn't always mean that's good for you, essentially. Yes. Well, the reason why sometimes the temporary sex can seem so good is because that kind of sex is only good in spurts. Imagine I've had people tell me like, oh my God, that was a spec sex of my life. It was so rough and grabbing my hair and threw me down on the bed. Can you imagine having that kind of sex every time? Like every day when you're in a long-term relationship and you're like 80 years old, it's just not for the long term, but I understand why a one off sex like that would make you think that was like the best sex of your life. Yeah, so maybe some of it's just redefining what good sex is to you too. Yes, yes, I love that. So do you think men get the vagina ties? That is. I don't know, gay men can get dictated also, but. Do you think pussy time does that? Do you think that's like there is the comparable feeling? Because I've never heard a guy say that before where I've definitely heard multiple threads use the term stigmatized. Do you think it has to do with the anatomy? You know, like a dick is something that goes in you. Could be really out of your control what kind of dick that is, but a vagina as a whole, so. I think that, you know, I think it can be the reverse too that someone gets hung up on someone that they think that they know isn't good for them long-term.
00:15:07 - 00:20:09
Because it's sex and because that's good sex. So I think that follows suit, but I do agree with you maybe that the term is it as, first of all, just doesn't roll off the tug the way digitized us. That's number one. But I think number two, it's like what you're saying is it's the way it's the insertion is opposite, essentially. Right, yeah, it's a little bit out of your control on the receiving end. Yeah, I do think though this whole notion of feeling like this is the only person out there. I'm never going to get this again. That's all coming from a scarcity mindset. And it's really easy to fall in that trap, especially if it's different than something you've experienced before. You know, a lot of people, and this isn't everyone, but sometimes friends that I know have said of holding on to this because the sex is so good. I know when I was in that place too, it was because I didn't have it as much before or it wasn't as good. It was something that was lacking maybe in the relationship. So you're almost like over correcting and you found this overcorrection. So I think sometimes it is okay to overcorrect and it lets you get back to equilibrium eventually. So there's no shame in feeling like you've overstayed a relationship because you've been digitized. It is recognizing though when it's time to end it to get to what you really want, especially if you feel like you're not being treated well or you know deep down that this is holding you back. Those are definite reasons to move forward. Maybe the next person won't be as exciting in the bedroom, but they'll have other qualities that make it more exciting overall. Yeah, I think the excitement in all of that is when you find someone who's willing to be in a relationship with you and wants to work on a relationship with you. They can also work on being really good in bed with you. It's a effort. When you've been dignified by someone that you're not dating, I just call that pure luck. It just so happens that you're anatomy works, everything fits, and he knows all the right things to do to you and et cetera, but you could have that and unacceptable good sex life too with someone that you work on it with. So the tricky thing about being stigmatized and saying, this is the best sex I've had. It's also because you only know what you know. Maybe you've been having bad sex for the last few years. Maybe you were really bad in bed for the last few years, and it just so happens that when we get older, you're just going to get better at sex, so you're going to meet other people who are better at sex, too. It could just be timing. Do you ever have flashbacks to old sex because personally for me? Okay, I'm curious to hear yours. But for me, I actually don't. And I think in the moment I think, oh my God, this is like, how could I get better than this? I'm going to remember this forever. And I can't recall experiences anymore. Like I recall, vaguely, obviously, being with the person. But none of the details at all. So what feels like it's like the be all end all in the moment, I found at least for my experience that fast forward 5 years later, it's like a blip in my memory. Oh, yes. No, I'm in the same boat because I think the sex I remember were the anomalies. A really pointy penis or a really fat dick. I can recall all of that. It wasn't like, oh my God, this is the best sex of my life. But the sexual moments I do remember are I recall from movies and from shows I've seen because I'm like, that's a really hot sex scene, but that was not a reflection of my personal life, right? So you will get over this, basically. Yes, yes. That's kind of the lesson. That's the point here, is that while in the moment, it feels like this will never be anything this great. There will be something that just replaces it in a different way. It might not be exactly the same, but also at the same time you have recognized this isn't the relationship you want. So it's good that it's not the exact same at the same ways. Yeah, it's so true. And I have to remember that the emotional connection to sex too. It's not just about the dick. It's the how you feel during sex with this person, and kind of think back around that is like, oh, the last time we had sex, he made me feel this way. And that's kind of what you're trying to replicate. It's not so much the sex itself, is how this person made you feel, too. Yeah, I know for me, a big part of it is just the closeness of it. And post sex just cuddling and being with this person and usually the one night stands or the people that aren't fully in with you. That just isn't as much of the main event is not that, basically. That's the emotional shit, right? Yeah. It's hard. This is a hard situation. And we can totally understand what you're going through, but just know that there's better out there. It's not even there could be. There are definitely fucking is better out there. Yeah, I think the biggest thing that I would tell this person to remember is that you are getting taken for this present bias that because this is what's happening current day, you think this is like the best that's going to ever happen.
00:20:09 - 00:24:12
But you just don't know what's out there. So it's hard to see future you because it almost feels like a different person, but it's so important to keep your eye on the prize and remember the big picture of all that you're looking for in a partnership and remember that you'll have other experiences in life that may be as good or better than this experience collectively. Yes. And in the meantime, master date masturbate to master date, what was it again? Was our tagline? We forget already. It was the best way to master date is to masturbate. There we go. Okay, the best way to masturbate is to master bait. There you go. Okay. In the meantime. That's your motto. It'd be happy of the skills you've learned from this experience. If we're going to take something away from this, at least you've become a work confident partner in the bedroom and hopefully outside of the bedroom too. Precisely. Okay. Okay. Well, this was a Stevie brunch talk. We like them steamy. Keep it coming. Make sure you're talking about the dickhead on your next brush. And if someone doesn't know the term, you got to drop that knowledge for that because it will break a smile to your face no matter what. Share with them this episode, you know? If you have a friend who's being dignified, just drop this in their text and don't you have anything else. That's it. We'll speak for you. And if you missed last week's episode, we also did a sex related topic, very different. It was about erectile dysfunction. So very different, but same realm of sex talks. So, you know, go back and re listen or check it out if you missed that one. Perfect. All right, we're gonna wrap up this brunch talk with a dateable podcast. We thank you for all the questions you're sending in. You can send in all of your questions by emailing us at hello at data podcast dot com or DM us on Instagram at dateable podcasts. We're a very easy to find and we read all of the DMs and emails that come in. All right. Don't stay digitized. We'll be the opposite of state data this week. Don't stay digitized. And we'll see you next week. Bye. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those pose. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. Introducing Under Armour's infinity high sports bra, it's ergonomic design is molded to support the natural movement of your body. With cord out padding, the better breathability eliminates extra bulk without sacrificing support. And quick dry padding is Under Armour's fastest drying padding yet. When you're lifting heavy, running fast and pushing yourself further than ever before, you need a bra that will help you go that extra mile and make you feel your best. Shop the infinity high sports bra now at UA dot com. At children's national hospital, everything we do is just for kids. Our top ranked specialists are here for kids of all ages. From babies who need help before they're even born to teens and young adults. Our pediatric experts work together to diagnose problems quickly and thoroughly and use treatments designed exclusively for growing children, with convenient locations all across the D.C. metro area, find a specialist today at children's national dot org slash stronger.