When it feels like you're always the third wheel or the only single one in the group, it's tough to not be jealous that your friends found their special someones. For this week's brunch talk we're diving into it all from validating your feelings in a way that still allows you to want the best for your friends, embracing and enjoying the various stages of your life (including being single), and reframing how you view being the odd one out.
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#brunchtalk: How Can I Stop Being Jealous of My Friend's Relationships?
00:00:00 - 00:05:05
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Again, that's almond Cal dot CO and use your code dateable at checkout for $25 off. The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host UA shoe, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Happy brunch y'all welcome to this episode of brunch talk made possible by the David podcast, hoping you are all enjoying your brunch, but more importantly, enjoying your brunch talk with your Friends. Yeah, have you gone to any good brunches lately? No, I have not, I'm missing out on some good brunch. I've had some great dinners though, but we'll save that for a different spin off dinner. Dinner talk. I feel like dinner talk would not be the same as brunch talk. It just has no different vibe to it. No, it wouldn't be us juicy. We want to get as juicy as possible at brunch dog. How about you? I did a really nice Mother's Day brunch. Oh my mom was in town. I would say it was like gushing and I didn't talk about being dictated on that brunch. Are people not understanding, we're not getting as many views on our stigmatized video. Do people not understand what dignity means? 'cause I feel like it should be at like a million views. I feel like the lists were pretty high on that one. Okay, good. We did actually get a very important piece of information that someone wrote it to us on Instagram. So you know how we were saying is like pussy ties to work. Oh yeah, yeah. So we got a nice response from Ralph, who said, just listen to Sunday brunch, the hetero man term would be pussy whipped, great show. Oh, pussy whipped. Yes. I was like, oh yeah, that's so much more obvious. I don't know where our braids were at where that. It's weird because I've never really heard that term used in real life. I've heard it in movies and on TV, but I've never had a friend say that to me. I haven't heard it in a while either. I feel like maybe like ten years ago, I heard it in convo mo more. I remember guy friends saying it. So when he said I was just like, oh yeah, that's oh yeah, yeah. But yeah, I don't think it's as wide as widely used. Maybe just using the word pussy nowadays is not as PC anymore. So that could be it. So pussy ties probably won't make it either. It just doesn't roll off the tug either. I think pussy whip does roll off the tongue better. There are some things that just don't fly anymore in 2022. I was watching the special on girls gone wild. Can you imagine? Oh my God. If they tried to do that today I would never fly this guy would definitely be in jail. Oh, for sure. We're in a different world. Different world. Good. Good. Okay, well, the different worlds also means different questions. And so let's get to our question. Yeah. What are people asking about at brunch nowadays? This question is. I've been struggling with the idea of my Friends being in relationships and me being single and jealous of them. How do I get over this feeling of jealousy? Yeah, for more context to this person wrote in that, it's been really hard, you know, they want to be supportive of their friends, but they always feel like they're the 5th or 7th or not wheel and wedding seasons coming up and they're thinking about like, I'm gonna be the only person that's single while all my Friends are with someone. So how do I stop almost beating myself up that I have this jealous feeling, but you know that is the feeling that I'm feeling. And we're here to validate your feeling, many of us have been there. So it is totally normal to feel jealous and to want to be in these relationships that your friends are in, right? Because probably from the outside, they look like they're in fabulous relationships. So point number one is what you see surface level is not what you see behind closed doors.
00:05:06 - 00:10:06
Okay, so never believe that the grass is greener because every couple struggles and you just don't know the extent of their struggles. I think one way to get over this sort of jealousy is to think about all of your own accomplishments in your life. The things that you're really proud of, a relationship is just one aspect of life. It does not define who you are. It is not make you who you are. So if you can't highlight more of the things that are going great in your life and be grateful for what you have, I think it lessens you putting the emphasis on other people's relationships. Yeah, I actually watched the brene Brown special of the heart. I do. Although the special was a little cheesy, some of it. But there were some parts that stood out to me and one of them actually, she was talking about all the feelings that we have and how it's really important to name the feelings correctly because that does dictate how you talk to yourself and how you talk to others. And actually one of them that she asked people in the audience was, what's the difference between jealousy and envy? I wanted to look this up, but envy means discontented longing for someone else's advantages. Jealousy means unpleasant suspicion or apprehension of rivalship. Oh, can you reread those again? I just want to digest it. A little bit more. Envy means discontent longing for someone else's advantages. Jealousy means unpleasant suspicion or apprehension of rivalship. So both of them involve a feeling of desire for what the other person has. This might put it into better terms, but jealousy is a feeling of resentment, bitterness and hostility towards someone who has something you don't. Where envy is more of the desire that you want that also. So I think it's important to separate those terms because I do think jealousy, I feel like I've definitely been like, I feel jealous of this person. And then you're like, am I a bad friend? Because I should want the most for this person. It's kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy now that you're not deserving of love because you don't celebrate other people's accomplishments. And I feel like first and foremost, it's kind of validating what you said UA too. That's a normal feeling. But a lot of it is more envy than jealousy. It's not that you don't want your friends to have relationships. You just want it also. And I think by using the word envy, it one can be a little kinder to yourself and not make yourself feel bad or feel like you're trying to push your friend over to get what you want, essentially. So I think that's first and foremost, wanted to clarify that because I think it's totally natural to want this. Want a relationship want to feel loved and want that companion and that rock for you, right? There's a reason why we're all so obsessed with day day good relationships because there are a lot of benefits of them. But it doesn't mean that you want to do that at the detriment of your friend being happy. And I think sometimes it can be really hard, especially if you really want it to watch other people have it. Like basically have what you want. So I think that's first and foremost, stop beating yourself up for feeling this way and also maybe change the way you're wording it because that could help with that too. I think the term jealousy, like you said, it brings up hostility in someone. So when you're jealous of someone else, you're almost hostile towards them, where you don't want the best for them. But what we've seen from, I don't know, look at all the successful people. They bring each other up. I always think about Amy Poehler and what's her name? Tina Fey. They've been Friends forever and they were part of the same improv troupe, and they both won the same things and their careers definitely were not on the same level all the time. They were able to bring each other up. So I feel like when you're with friends and you want the same things or similar things, you're able to accomplish these things together. So instead of that feeling of jealousy, maybe change it to admiration, I admire this person because they're in this loving relationship and I look forward to being in a relationship with my own. That way, it doesn't feel like it's this zero sum game where if someone else finds love, you don't get any of it, 'cause there's just limited amount of love. It just means there's even more love to go rounding. You're going to be able to find that for yourself if that's something you really want. I think the other piece is that, you know, there's always going to be pros and cons in every life stage. So the more that you can look at what you currently have and feel like this is what's freaking awesome about my life because I'm single. The less you'll have resentment of your status. To be honest, I feel like when I met my partner, I was really at a point that I could kind of accept it like I'm okay being single.
00:10:06 - 00:15:02
Like if that's what my plan is and I think the pandemic was a big driver of that. I remember what the pandemic started. I was like, fuck, I want to be alone for two weeks at the time, but now. Two years later. But I think I was freaking out a little, and then as it went on and I was okay. I'm like, okay, if this is like the worst, like if this is like what it is, if I don't find someone, it's not so bad because I can hang out with friends. I can pursue my hobbies. I can do pretty much anything I want to do because I'm not taking into account someone else. Those are the benefits of being single. So the more we can start to hone in on how we can feel happy like regardless of relationship status, I feel like coming to a relationship from that side opposed to this almost desperation of wanting to fit in and wanting what other people have. I think that's really important. I've definitely been jealous of Friends, though, I'm not gonna lie, that it might early everyone was getting into these really healthy relationships and I was in a dead end relationship. I would have given anything to be in their position, but then when you peel back the layers of what these relationships are, I was like, no, everybody has their own shit going on, and I don't need to be part of someone else's shit. It just looks pretty on the outside, but it's never going to be perfect on the inside. I mean, I definitely admit to also feeling that jealousy. And I think a lot of it, I remember talking about this in therapy, I went to therapy after a really brutal breakup. And what I discovered is obviously I missed my partner at the time and wanted to be in a relationship with him. So it wasn't like that wasn't the case. But there was also this feeling of not being left behind, that I really had to confront during that of true. Do I want a relationship because I'm really looking for a life partner or by looking for a relationship because I don't want to be the one that's left out or all my Friends move forward or I'm the odd one out all the time. I think when you start to look at it like you're the 5th wheel or the 7th wheel, it can be really difficult, right? To feel like you don't belong, essentially. Especially if you're in a group of friends where you always felt like you belonged, that can be hard. But I'm not saying this is the case for who wrote in, but I think at that time I might not have actually been ready to be in a full blown partnership because so much of my emphasis was about fitting you with my friends. So maybe and again, I don't know if this is the person who wrote it situation, but looking at your own habits. I remember there were years that I would say I want to be in a real relationship. And my best friend being like, are you sure? Your actions aren't really following suit, like you're staying with some guy that treats you really shitty and accepting a friend with benefit situation. If you really want a relationship, you would have been like, nope, this isn't for me. And I think at that point, I really just wanted someone that could hang out with my friends and go out and be part of the group. And it's like, is that really the right motivation probably not? No. In life works in such mysterious ways where you may feel behind on some respects, but then give it a few years and then you were like a head. And I give this example all the time. I have a friend who plow through life's milestones. So she got engaged, married, had kids, bought a house all in the course of two years. So while she was plowing through life, I felt definitely left behind. I was single, kidless, houseless, all of it. And now she's plow through all these milestones. She's feeling left behind because she can't enjoy some of the activities that I've been enjoying. So it's interesting because for so long I felt like she was so far ahead of me and now she's feeling she's behind because she had gone through so many milestones without enjoying her own individual self care type of vibe. I find peace in the fact that life works in very mysterious ways. It can balance things out and it's never a win lose situation. So sometimes people they get on a stride and they do really well and it feels like they're doing all the things that you want and then it kind of pauses or stalls for a while. I see that all the time, right? So just know that it's only kind of a right now situation and it will change. Things change any minute. Yes. This is going to sound a little contradictory, but I'm going to say it anyways. I think the person that wrote in, maybe it's worth finding friends that are on more aid your life stage, right? That are also dating that are also single that want to do stuff with you that want to go out and meet people because the reality is, you know, people are at different life stages. I think that's what makes the late 20s into 30s. Challenging sometimes and beyond because we are so all over the place of what's going on in our lives, especially once you hit 30.
00:15:03 - 00:20:02
And having some other go to people could really help you just feel better about your life and lifestyle and appreciate the perks of being single. That being said, this is where the contradictory part comes in. I think you should maintain the friends that are in different parts of your life, too, because I've definitely assumed before like, oh, this person is busy with their husband, or even busy with their kids, and then I realized they need me as much as I need them. So I think it's easy to assume the person that's so quote unquote made it because they've got into some relationship milestone is all good and happy and doesn't need you anymore. That's not true either. A friendship is a relationship just like anything else. And I think when you're single, it's really, this is where the contradictory part comes in. Wait, that wasn't a contradiction. Which part is the actual constitution? This is the contradictory part. It's easy to be like, I want to go out all the time and maximize my chances to beat people. But I also think a big piece of it is nurturing existing relationships and feeling secure and happy with who you are, because if you're just dating all the time and putting all your other relationships on the back burner, then that's going to get really discouraging also if things aren't going the way they are because we all know dating isn't always super fun. There's challenges that come with it. Not saying again what this poster is saying, the person that submitted this because sounds like if anything, they're struggling because they're like the 5th wheel and the 7th wheel. Another way to look at it too, and there's this quote and I can't find it, but I remember it. We always feel like we lose a friend when they get into a relationship. But the quote was instead of looking like looking at it that you lost a friend, what if you think about it that you gained a new best friend, the partner of your friend. And I think this is so important because I know for me I was certainly the 5th wheel, the 7th wheel, the 9th wheel I can relate to all of that. But there got to be a point that I felt like I was friends with my friends significant other. So it didn't feel awkward. I stopped thinking about it. And I think when you're not thinking about how you're this odd person out, that's when you can come to peace in just enjoy yourself. And that's usually when you attract someone when you're not just thinking about what's missing in your life all the time. Yeah, when you don't have that tunnel vision, that's when things fall into place. It's weird. It's like, when you stop overthinking, you stop planning things to happen. And on the friend front, I have a friend who is in her late 30s, and she's single. And she says it's very hard to find people, her age who are also single. So she joined a singles group who are similar age, and she hated it because she said it all just became this bitching fest. And that's why we talk about not creating your own echo chamber with the people you surround yourself with. It's great to have friends who are in relationships because it helps you gain new perspective. It's great to be friends with who are divorced. We're friends who've never been in relationships. It's not just about people who are exactly like you, because you probably wouldn't blur much from people who are exactly like you. In fact, misery loves companies. So wherever your negative thoughts are now, if you find other people like you, you're just going to go down this negative black hole. That's why I think diversifying your Friends and really nourishing these relationships will be good for you in the long run because you'll just learn so much from them. I have one of my best Friends a single and she goes out with me and my boyfriend all the time. And we're like, you know, like one day, we hope there's a fourth person here. And we have like extra motivation to help find that fourth person. Couples love doing this shit because they usually can't help put who's going to be in the group with you, essentially. So lean on your Friends, you know, a lot of them might be more open to doing this stuff with you than you think. And I think also a lot of times people maybe are afraid to share the pain of being single too. People are like, oh, he's like, tell me about your funny dating stories or the wild night you had. You can be real with your Friends too and be like, someone just goes to be that I was really interested in. You know, that's what your friends are there for. They're there to support you and not just for the fun side, but all of it. And I think that might help them open up too about maybe like things that aren't a 100% of their lives. Everyone has something going on. Oh, that's for sure. And leverage your Friends, I think people who are in relationships, those friends are the best to go out with because they have no shame. They're the best wing woman or wingman you can ever have. I will shout out my friend Hai ching. She's like the best we human. She doesn't care. She can go up to talk to anybody. She's like not afraid of rejection and the show is introduced guys to me. It was like the best. So leverage those people, they're really good for you. I've ever so many nights when you and I went out with her, what she was single. What we were sickle. When we were single, yeah, yeah, that hurt. She's been a relationship for you. She loved helping us. I think people in relationships love love matchmaking.
00:20:03 - 00:24:02
Yeah, you're not competing over people, like all that stuff, but yeah, I think it's good to have a balance of all types of Friends. I really don't like looking at Friends like, oh, this is my single friend. This is my friend in a relationships by married friend or like I just look at it like this is my friend and we've been friends for years stretches at this point. Like there's times that we've all been through different life stages. And it can be really hard. I don't want to minimize this. It's something I'm like saying this out loud to myself too, but I think at the same time finding your commonalities because there's a reason why you are such good Friends and your life stage is not the only reason by any means that might have brought you together at the beginning, but there's a reason why you've stayed friends all these years. For sure. That doesn't change. Anything else? No, I think, you know, I guess kind of last parting advice. One, you know, don't feel bad. Don't feel guilty. You're envious, not jealous. You want the best for your Friends, but you also want that for yourself, and there's nothing wrong with that. And I think the other big things is embrace the positives of single life because there's certainly are a lot if you choose to see them. And the more you can just stop thinking about it as you're the odd one out and more about like, hey, all these people want to be with me because they love spending time with me and it has nothing to do if I have a partner or I don't. That will just help you become more secure with yourself and just have fun and bring in a positive energy that really is what attracts someone. There you go. Thanks so much for that question for all of our listeners. Feel free to email us at hello at dateable podcast dot com. You can DM us on Instagram at dateable podcast where you can stop us on the street and ask us your questions. We do not mind at all. We love those street stopping questions. And last but not least, definitely refer back to the main data episodes because this is an extension of that podcast, but we get into the nitty Gritty on those episodes too. So we will see you again next Sunday for another brunch talk. See you next week. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. It starts with Meredith's desire to change careers and grows into a successful farming business. It starts with Tay's love for barbecue and grows into an award winning restaurant that creates dozens of local jobs. It starts with chastity's dream to make dresses and grows into a career as a famed fashion designer. They all learned how on YouTube. Is tango day, everybody follow after me. And step and Beth and slide and dip, that's tango. Why is ice tea leading her tango class? It's probably the honey nut Cheerios. He found out they can help lower cholesterol. Now he's having fun taking care of his heart and all sorts of new ways. Let's see those hips move people. Learn more by picking up a box of Cheerios and check out our pour your heart into it audio workouts with iced tea and buzz to get your heart pumping.