Move over Nancy Drew, we're dissecting the age old question of how to tell if someone likes you, especially in times when it's not entirely clear. On this week's brunch talk we discuss how to navigate situations where there are mixed signals, why you can have that fabulous first date (make-out sesh included) and never hear back from the person again, and the #1 thing you should be asking yourself when you are dating.
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#brunchtalk: How can you tell if someone likes you?
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You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Hi Friends, welcome to this week's episode of brunch talk, brought to you by the dateable podcast. This is where we answer all of your birding dating questions in an amount of time that you would eat an omelet or drink a milkshake or drink a vodka soda or a mimosa. I'm gonna just keep naming all the things you can eat or drink in about 20 minutes or less. I feel like I'm getting hungry just hearing that and now I want to do a brunch on Sunday. Yesterday I walked by this place that had bottomless mimosas for $22 and the old me would have been like hell yeah and then the present me threw up in my mouth a little bit. I was like I can't do it. I don't think we ever did bottomless but both together. But I definitely did it before I met you. Like every Saturday or Sunday. It was aggressive and I just remember doing the day a bottomless mobis. We'd start around 12 back then I used to work out all the time too. So I would work out in the morning 'cause I knew it was just going downhill after I do like 12 or 1 o'clock brunch and then we just keep going and I would be home by ten pass out and I'd wake up at like 4 a.m. because I just was so disoriented and slightly hungover and then your week as fucked. Yeah, that's what bottomless mimosa does to you. I wonder if anybody who listens to this show quite a bit, they probably just think we get so trashed during brunch and it's all we ever talk about. That was old us. We have sober brunches. Thank you very much. The older, more mature versions of us, we do have sober brunches, but back in the day, I mean, hell, if you talk brunch, that was synonymous with getting blackout drunk. Yeah. Well, actually, just recently we met up. And it wasn't quite brunch. It was like maybe lunch more. But your friend brought over mimosas. And I was just like, wow, I haven't had my most a picture in forever. So it comes full circle because they have a kid, so they had a weekend away from their kids and thought they wanted to relive their 20s all over again. He's like, why wouldn't we get mimosas? Well, it was a good time. I actually find that sometimes the people with kids, they want to rage more than people without that are in their late 30s early 40s.
00:05:03 - 00:10:03
I feel like if you don't have kids, a lot of times, I'm not saying everyone, but I think you and I I'll leave it to you and I so we're not making generalizations that we've kind of just come out of that phase more. Yeah. So it doesn't feel like a special treat because it's like if we wanted to, we could any day. There's nothing holding us back, but we just don't really desire it anymore. Yet sometimes people with kids, they feel like they can't do it, so when they have that opportunity, it's go time. I know. Another observation I've had recently is it's not that I'm opposed to drinking, but I want to know what kind of alcohol I'm putting into my body. Oh my God. And whether it's like high quality alcohol. So if I'm around really good alcohol, I might down a few drinks, but if it's like well drinks that don't taste very good, I'm not drinking for the sake of getting drunk anymore. I actually want to enjoy every sip. Yeah, in $20 bottles of osa is the bottom of the barrel champagne. It's really $2. Yes. Newsflash, it's the bottom of the barrel. They're trying to make a profit guys. I remember my old landlord. I think I told you this, Julie. He used to get me that funniest Christmas presents, and it was very nice to get me presents anyway. I always just get him like cookies or something. And as soon as I drop off cookies at his door, immediately a gift follows. So you know it was not a planned gift. It was a reactive gift. The first year he got me a used wallet and a screwdriver in an anthropology bag that was definitely not his because it has stains on it. He pulled it out of the recycling bin. Okay. And then the second year he gave me half a bottle of quill oak wine. Okay, a full bottle is $3 and 30 cents. Oh my God. So I have bottle is a dollar 99. That guy was such a character. And first of all, I was like, why does this guy have a half bottle of quail oak wine sitting in his house anyway? And second of all, what am I going to do with this? I'm not that desperate to be drinking this right now. But what was good was that it catches fruit flies. Oh my God. This guy, I mean, I've ever won you would tell me about your gifts. I mean, he's clearly just pulling them out of his cupboard or anything that he doesn't want anymore. Or trash. Hilarious spot. Anyways, we granted a bad alcohol, so we might as well ranch about something dating related. So here we go. Okay, the question for this week is how can I tell if someone likes me back? Yeah, and for more context, I've been dating this girl and I'm getting mixed signals. Sometimes when we're out, it seems like she's really into me, but between dates, she goes radio silence and sometimes it's hard to get a confirmation for the next state. Help, I'm confused if this person likes to be or not. First, impressions of this question would be, if you have to question if someone likes you or not, it really doesn't matter if they like you or not. They're not giving you the right signals to have this be a healthy, stable relationship. We're so concerned with getting other people to like us back. Sometimes we don't stop to think about do I even like this person and how they make me feel. So top line right here is if you have to question if someone likes you, I think you have to question if you like them. Yeah, I think mixed messages is a message. Yeah, oftentimes we are saying, well, I'm unsure I haven't heard back from them. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. They're giving you a message without actually saying anything that it's not a priority to them. Maybe they still will go out with you when presented with the opportunity, but the lack of effort in between shows that this isn't something that's top of mind. Whether they like you, whether they're too busy, whether this isn't the right time in their life, it almost doesn't matter. Because all that's happening is that you're not having the relationship you want to have. So a message is being sold to you whether you like it or not. And while going to a little bit more detail of all the different scenarios that you might be thinking about. What you're asking in this question is you're asking for is it when they touch your leg? Is it when they have a lingering look? Is it when they text you back right away? Those are all not signs of someone liking you back. Those are all signs of someone who may know how to build human connection or really know how to communicate. It has no indication whether they like you or not. But what is a big indicator of someone liking you back is that they listen to you and they want to know how you're doing and they want feedback on what's going on. Because it shows that they care about you. If they didn't like you, they wouldn't care like, how are you doing? Are you having good time? Do you think we have a potential for something more? And that just shows someone who's thoughtful in thinking about you and that's a clear sign of someone who does like you. I think also when they integrate you in their life. And this doesn't mean date one. You have to beat all their friends at family. Not saying that, but do they want to initiate plans at least once a week and to vote a night to you? That's integrating you in their life.
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I think it's really easy to just say yes to dates and to show up and have fun and like you said kiss each other. We hear all the time like, oh, but we kissed on the date, but then I haven't heard from them again. And I thought it was a good day, but we never talked afterwards. I think in the moment it's easy to have fun, but that doesn't mean that someone likes you and can see a future with you. There are two very different things and maybe it's actually one of the most confusing parts of dating because you think you had a good time, and they had a good time, but it doesn't equate to what you're actually looking for. Oh my gosh, that's so true. And just think about this. What are they doing that's easy and what are they doing that takes effort? Kissing you is not hard. That doesn't take much effort, especially after featuring very easy to kiss someone. Holding your hand or stroking your hair while you're together, that's all easy ways of showing affection. But what does take effort is someone who is making plans. Someone who is reaching out, someone who is giving you that consistent communication and validation without you asking for it, that takes effort. So if you're looking for signs of someone liking you back, just ask, are they making the effort or are they just relying on what's easy to do? I think to what happens in between the dates is almost more important than what happens on the day. Of course you need that connection in real life, absolutely. But if you're seeing this like the example we got, it's almost like hot and cold behavior that on the date it's on and it's clear they like them. But then in between, there's all these mixed messages and no messages and questioning that's happening. It feels like in that world. That's the more difficult part to get out of your comfort zone to make the time to start to integrate this person in your life and to be curious about this person. Those are the signs that they like you. And if that's not happening in between, it almost doesn't matter if you have a wonderful time on the date, pending you want someone that's gonna be there for it all. I will throw this out to all of you and say that the onus is kind of on you for them to show you that they like you in a way that you want to be shown. So instead of love languages, there should be like languages. You should be telling people, if you want to spend more time with me, if you want to continue this, then you would give me consistent communication. You would text me back. You would make an effort to see me, right? Like I think sometimes we don't know how to express the like because we don't know the other person yet, so it's good for you to set that person up for success and say, these are the things I like in a partner, and if they don't do these things, it's a very clear sign that they're not making the effort to show that they like you. Let's hold that thought for a quick message. This episode is brought to you by drizzly, community is always worth celebrating. The same goes for the businesses born within them. And with drizzly, the number one app for alcohol delivery, you can find the biggest selection of black owned and women owned beer, wine, and spirits brands. Then get them delivered in under 60 minutes. Now you can sit with purpose and explore brands that are shifting in industry while amplifying voices often left unheard. Find your new favorite drinks while supporting the diverse stories that make them great. Show your support and raise a glass to the spirit of representation and belonging. All while discovering incredible drinks with stories worth celebrating. Just download the drizzly app or go to drizzly dot com that's DRI dot com to start sipping with purpose. This episode is brought to you by gobble, gobble delivers Gourmet, freshly prepped 15 minute meal kits right to your doorstep. 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Again, go to gobble dot com slash dateable 6 three 6. Have you ever thought about how much better dating would be if you had a whole army of people supporting you along the way? We know that dating can be frustrating and lonely, but it can also feel fulfilling and fun. Have you recently decided you want to make some changes to your love life? Maybe you've recently reentered the dating scene. Maybe you've gone on one too many dates that went nowhere, or maybe you're just ready to take your current relationship to the next level.
00:15:03 - 00:20:07
That is exactly why we created the sounding board, a true extension of our podcast that delivers a personalized experience, which includes monthly office hours where you can drop in and chat with us about anything. Weekly sound offs with guided discussions and regular virtual happy hours, allow Julie and I to become your dating sherpas to provide real-time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can all navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. Again, that's dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. I like the setup of these things I need in a partner. It's less about you're doing something wrong, but we also have to question do I like them? Do I like not knowing where I stand? Do I like having it be hot and cold? Do I like questioning whether they like me or not? None of that sounds fun, in my opinion. I feel like I definitely used to be in the world where I'd always be like, does this person like me? I need them to like me. And then there was that switch that happened. Do I like them? Do I like feeling this way? And we see this in relationships too is when you spend most of the courtship trying to get the other person to like you back and then you end up in a relationship. You become resentful of them because you feel like, well, I spent all this effort trying to get you like me and how come this is an unequal partnership because you never stopped to question do you even like them and want to put in the effort. Right. So it's not a pageant. It does not mean that this is a popularity contest you need to win and you have to get everyone to like you back and everyone has to want to go out on a second date with you. Getting that second date is not a win. I think the second date is a continuation of the conversation. There's no winning or losing here. And if someone likes you, it's not a win either. It opens up the door for more possibilities. Yeah, I think the real question with it is do I like myself? Because I think so many times, we look at dating like validation, that if I can't get back to the second date, there's something fundamentally wrong with me. Why does nothing go to a second date? But if we can get out of that and just into, hey, I know what I bring to the table and someone's lucky to be with me. Then that puts so much less of an onus on if they like you or not. You're not evaluating all these signs in you're just knowing in your gut when something feels reciprocal or not. We're in such a weird place of modern dating with the rise of dating apps and online dating is that never have we ever been in a place where we are surrounded by this many eligible single people before. And now we are, so when we swipe on them, we automatically get that dopamine hit of, oh, this person likes me, but it doesn't really mean that. It just means that there's the superficial connection on the apps. And so for some reason we get in this mindset of like, I want as many people to like me as possible without stopping to think why do I want that, what does it say about me exactly that I need the vanity swipes to make me feel good about myself. So maybe it's a good time to have a very open conversation with yourself and say, why is it that I need people to like me back? What is like even mean? Does it mean that they find you attractive and swipe on you? Does it mean they enjoy the conversation on a first date? Let's be honest, our date self on a first date, how well do you really know that person? Yeah. Does it matter if they like you? That doesn't even show half of who you are, if not all of who you are. So it almost does it hold any weight of who you are as a person and like is so subjective. And then I think we get in our heads too like as things start to progress. Maybe we've gotten enough signs that they like us enough to keep going on dates, but we want to know, does this person really like me? And is this going to become a relationship? But it's less about do they like you and more of, are they meeting you where you're at? Are they showing that they want to include you and they want to form a relationship with you? It's less about liking. And something that we discovered recently is you can be really good at getting people to like you back. And this usually happens with people who are interesting who's had a lot of life experiences who are adventurous who may have a very interesting job. So maybe you're just so used to everybody flocking to you because you are just a fascinating person, but when it comes to depth in a relationship, you drop out because all you have going for you or relying on is this crutch of you being an interesting person. So again, it's not a pageantry situation and it's not about winning people over. If you know you have a winning trick to get people to like you back, good for you, but it does not set the grounds for a sustainable relationship. So then it's like, what are you really looking for? Right, just liking each other. Does it mean that you're going to have a relationship with each other? It could be what you're saying. They're drawn to you, but they can't envision a relationship or maybe two people really like each other, but neither one is prioritized at your relationship right now.
00:20:07 - 00:25:02
So it's how do we get out of the mindset of do they like me? I also feel like we can't control if they like me. They like you. There's no way we can control another human being. All we can do is show up as ourselves and give as much of ourselves as we can to that other person in the sense of making them fully seen and heard, making them feel connected. And that doesn't mean that you need to force it, but so many times we think about being liked that we're trying to put on this one person show that we're failing to just connect with people at a fundamental level. I'm going to say this because I think this is also important to understand is that it's not about you and we've done some coaching sessions with some of our listeners and they say, well, I need to bring a fun topic into the date. I need to talk about something interesting that happened in my life. I need to have good conversation on a date. What only really matters is on a date, you listen and pay attention to the person you're on a date with and you show that you care about their life and who they are. It's not about bringing in the entertainment. Anybody can stream Netflix like, yeah, if you want to have an entertaining date, go stream Netflix on your day and then you don't have to talk at all. It doesn't matter what the content is you're bringing in. It's about the other person and getting to know them. So stop coming in with that entertainer mentality. Nobody pay for the show, okay? They want their refund. You could go back to the box office and just come in as who you are, a genuinely curious and thoughtful and kind a human being. Yeah, I always think of the episode you did with Andrew. Always. We had you on the blind date. This was such a revelation for you. Such a revelation. You added being like, I'm gonna slay this date. I know how to do a first date. Of course, he's gonna like me and then he said, it wasn't that he didn't like you, but he's like, I don't need to be entertained. I want to connect with someone. Yeah. And he said, point blank. It's very easy to go on a good date. Yeah. I can be entertained. I can talk to anybody. But it's very hard to find a connection on a date. That was eye opening for me. And I certainly dated differently and it bled into other parts of my life too, where it's like going on job interviews and connecting with friends. It's not about the stories you bring in, it's about connecting. We always forget that. So bringing it back to this one, though, if someone's giving you those mixed messages, I think, first of all, need to stop and be like, do I even like this person? That's number one. Do I like being treated this way? And if you feel like it's worth it still, have a clarifying conversation to share how you like to be treated. Yes. Well, thank you for this question. We love it. It's not as simple as when we were in the third grade. And saying, do you like me? Because I like you. And now we're together. It's so funny, 'cause it's like, is it that simple, but maybe it should be that simple. That would be nice. Maybe of this case, too. It's like, hey, we've gone on a bunch of dates. I really like you. Like, how are you feeling? That's like the doubt of the 5th grade. Sometimes you just need permission, right? Like if you just open up the conversation with I like you, it gives the other person permission to say, I like you as well. But if nobody says it, we call it, are you looking for a soulmate or a stalemate? We love this brand. If you're looking for stalemate, easy, just keep asking questions to people who are not your partner. And then nothing will happen. But if you want to move it along, come forward with what you're asking for. Yeah, and if you say, do you like me? They're probably wondering, do they want me to like them? Right, yeah. Invites us to say yes, but if you start with, hey, I really like you. I feel like I'm getting mixed messages. What's going on for you? You're right. Maybe we should simplify a little bit. And that's why we love these questions, because we will answer the question for you, but we'll also help you rephrase and reframe the question. So keep them coming. You can email us your questions by emailing hello add data podcast dot com or you can DM us on Instagram at data podcast and we always read those questions and we try to answer them to the best of our ability. We'll see you next week for another branch talk. Bye. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag us in any posts with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us, we look at all those pose. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms.
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Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. You made it. Checked out of office to check into the sweet views of this place where the kids aren't asking for the Wi-Fi. Mom, can we go to the pool? And when you're with a max, it's not if it's going to happen. But when? American express, don't live life without it. It's not just the award winning wine that's made Southern California's Temecula valley, a wine enthusiast's top ten wine travel destination. It's also the spirited community of makers, recreational activities and notable culinary scene. Live glass full in Temecula valley.