No matter how long you dated, breakups are oh so painful. From unraveling a life with someone to mourning the life you'll never have, this is by far the hardest part of dating. Join us for this week's brunch talk as we talk the first thing you should do after a breakup, when is the right time (or not) to start dating again, and how to move through, not over, this difficult time in your life.
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#brunchtalk: How do you get over a breakup?
00:00:01 - 00:05:16
The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host UA Shu, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Are you hungry because I'm hungry? It's time for brunch talk and we're gonna dish right now. Time to dish. The best time of the week, but I don't know. I can think back to some of my favorite times when I was single. It was definitely going on those. Marathon brunch sessions where you just got it all out. Oh, yeah, I mean, after the date, right? You're not talking about brunch dates. No, no, I'd be like the post date with your Friends. Because I feel like, okay, not that I mean, clearly, when you're in a relationship, and there's an issue, you need to talk it through with your partner. But when you're just like, have these random dates, it's your Friends that get it, talk through. Oh, absolutely. Those days of waking up with a random person in my bed and being like, all right, I gotta go, I gotta get to brunch with my friends. And then you get to brunch in. You sit down, you're like, listen, I don't remember his name. I remember how we met, but I think it was a good night. Right, you're not gonna unpack it with your Tinder date. There's no way. But you know what, maybe people should. Maybe, actually, after an awkward date, you're like, let's go to brunch the next morning and really digest and dissect everything that happened. Yeah, we're like before a one night stand, you're like, okay, let's do this. A sleep together, but let's promise to have brunch the next day. When we're sober. I remember, I don't know why I'm thinking of this. This guy that I thought was a total fuck boy. And we had a date that it seemed like things were gonna really progress the next level, and then he completely ghosted me. And then years later, I ran into the same guy at a Halloween party. And he was trying to hook up again. And I'm like, dude, I don't trust you at all. And he's like, well, I've changed. Clearly, I wouldn't be going after you. I go after any other girl, someone that doesn't hate me. You know, there's so many easier people here. Touche. And I was like, that's true. That he came back over and then I still got this vibe again. I didn't trust him and basically he ended up leaving and nothing happened. And the next day he texted and he's like, I'm gonna take you to brunch to prove that I'm a good guy. And I'm not a fuck boy. And I just like, I mean, I was in a place that I was not over someone, so some of it had to do with him, some of it didn't, but I just, I couldn't deal with it, but that was his good guy. Proving technique was brunch the next morning. That's wild. And no, once a fuck boy always a fuck boy. No, just kidding. No, reform. I was like, the thought of sitting here with him over brunch, oh my God, I don't know about that. I think that's why we like brunch so much because you would never get brunch with someone you didn't like. No, you have to be really into them. I feel like anyone can go and get drinks with whoever. But to do the Saturday date or the Sunday date in the daytime, it's serious at that point. Yeah. I feel like forget the DTR, this is the sign that things are progressing. I don't need to know our labels. I just need to know if we're going to brunch. Right. If someone's willing to hang out with you in the daylight, that's a good sign. Yeah. Low bar here, people. Low bar. What we're going to get to something a little bit more serious. Now, if we can get to the question, the question is, how do I get over a bad breakup? Okay, and more context, I ended a relationship with someone I was really into a couple months ago. I know that we are not right for each other and fundamentally, this is the right thing to do, but I'm having trouble resetting and restarting essentially as a single person. What is some advice to enjoy being single and to not reminisce of a relationship that I know won't be the one? Prey cups are so hard. They really are. Even if you've been dating someone casually or it's been like a two week relationship, they're still hard because someone's very intensely in your life for a period of time and then all of a sudden poof they're gone. So I think this is another opportunity to reframe the question instead of how do I get over this breakup? How do you get through this breakup? And what I mean by this is you got to go through the feelings. Step number one is to feel the feelings do not deny them, do not avoid them, feel the feelings first. Yeah, I would argue those stepped over one maybe as an acceptance that you have to accept that this is not the right thing for you and I've definitely been here before and I know that this is one of the challenges that our brain tells us one thing, but our heart tells us another.
00:05:16 - 00:10:07
And I think these situations where you ultimately know it's not for the best can be difficult because you almost, you know, you must feel like I'm being stupid I feel like this way, you know what I mean and it's this element of not just being through the breakup and being hard on yourself as well that really starts to deteriorate. I remember when we did the episode with doctor Gladys Otto about heartbreak and getting over heartbreak, what she said about acceptance being the first thing has really stuck with me because I know when I went through breakups, I definitely did not accept it and I just felt everything I needed to, but then months in, I still was wondering, okay, I've given it the time when are they going to come back or this is an over yet? Yeah, because without acceptance, your brain starts going back to all the good memories and then starts convincing you that there shouldn't have been a breakup in the first place. You could have done this to save the relationship. Your brain does all kinds of wacky shit. It's not telling you the truth. It's just telling you what your body wants to hear and what your mind wants to hear. So with that acceptance, something we've learned to be very effective is to write down objectively why you broke up and not the moments of tenderness, not the moments where it was so great, but they are very concrete reasons for a breakup, write them down so every time you get to a place of oh, maybe we should get back together, look at that list because that is the most objective list of facts you'll ever see. Yes, that is so helpful. And I definitely agree with feel all the feelings. That is a definite step that needs to be taken. The more we suppress it and feel like, oh, I'll be okay. It does come back to bite us later on. I think another big aspect is, is it the person I'm warning or is it that I'm now starting over? Or I have to go back on the apps or I finally thought, you know, I wasn't the single one and now I am. I think there's so much of that that comes in that actually really has nothing to do with the person at all. And that doesn't mean that you won't miss them, but it means that there's other work that can be done and personally I actually like in the moment the breakup that I went through was the hardest thing I'd ever been through, but I don't know if I'd be doing this podcast and have the levels of introspection that I have if it wasn't for that breakup. So how can you funnel and look at this next chapter, not as something that you've lost, but what can you gain moving forward? Because I even think about the episode we did with Katie sorino and her talking about how she built her entire mega babe brand in business after her divorce, really good things can happen from the end of one chapter. Yes. Moving forward is the key here. So I like to think about two arrows. One is pointing forward and once pointing back. And every time you have a thought about this breakup or relationship. Think about, is this a vote in the forward arrow or the back arrow? Am I thinking about this that's productive that's progressing me forward? Or is this just bringing me back? And that helps you put a framework around your thoughts, not that you can't have these, but you're also kind of keeping a tally of what these thoughts are doing for you and if they're being productive or beneficial at all. And moving forward doesn't mean I'm so over it. I know I can do better. I know there's someone better out there for me. It's hard to go from breaking up to thinking these thoughts right away. But I think the first step is, I am open to believing that there's someone better out there for me. I am open to believing that there is a reason why this relationship ended. Yeah, let's talk about the about of time to getting back out there because I've definitely swung on both sides of the pendulum and it can be painful in both ways for my really brutal breakup. I didn't date for like a year after that. And I think in some ways that was really good for me because it gave me the reflection and I realized how much of my life I was just around other people to avoid being in my own thoughts. So in that respect, taking that year and taking that break was really essential. The other side of it, maybe I wallowed a little in pity for maybe longer than I should have and I feel like I didn't even want to go out with friends and do a lot of stuff. You probably remember this period UI. But I remember really struggling to even do that type of stuff. And that was not really helpful. I think the more love we can fill ourselves with. We've talked about this with doctor Anna mechin of when you lose one love, filling your cup with other love is actually really helpful to move forward.
00:10:07 - 00:15:05
So I think it could be really easy to retreat and just want to watch TV and have Ben and Jerry's. And you know, it's a cliche, but I definitely fell into that cliche and I think there's, again, some good from it, and then sometimes you're not necessarily pushing yourself forward at the same time. Yeah, people always ask how long does it take to get over a relationship? And remember that rule back in the day, I don't even know who the fuck came up. But thank you sex of the city. Another Darren star. Some formula where it takes half the time of your relationship. So if you've been together four years, it takes two years to get over this relationship. Such a crock of shit because, okay, come on, how can this formula apply to everyone? And also, you can't, if you're sitting there for two years, not doing anything working on yourself, progressing yourself forward. There's no way that when the time runs out at two years, you're going to be magically out of this, the sadness of the breakup. So it's about how much you want to work on getting yourself through this heartbreak. And that is so dependent on you. And there is no formula. There's no timeline. It's about you taking that initiative every day to think, am I getting through this right now? Am I working towards that light at the end of the tunnel? Yeah, I've also gone on the other side though. I remember after the breakup with my ex from the UK, they had to leave, being like, I don't want to do what I did last time. So I'm going to get back out there ASAP. And I remember three days later or something ridiculous, I had another date lined up. And I went to the date, was on the date, and honestly, this guy, there's nothing wrong with him, but I was just not in the right place. And I remember going to the bathroom and crying. And being like, I need to leave and then get an Uber and break it down. And that was too soon. So I learned my lesson that. Sometimes you can't rush it either. You need to give yourself that breathing room. Like you said, there's no hard fast rule of the time at all. But the more you can do to fill your cup, I think that's where it can help. And lean on your Friends, re-engage your passions and all the stuff that you love doing anything that can bring you love and joy is exactly what you need at this moment. To be fair, though, you almost have to do and try different things. Yes. Just to know that you're not ready, right? You didn't go on that date three days later, maybe you would have thought maybe I'm ready to get back out there, but the key is course correcting. Yes. You going out there three days later and then saying, I'm not ready. I'm going to take a pause. That's course correcting. If you just kept going on dates, even though you knew you weren't ready, that's not course correcting, and that's counterproductive. So here's the thing, go try things because maybe you don't know how you really feel till you try them. But then be really brutally honest with yourself after you try it to know if you're doing the right thing for yourself. Yeah. Let's hold that thought for a quick message. This episode is brought to you by attitude. Want deep, restful sleep without taking melatonin, trying to stop your night sweats or looking to get a little more eco friendly, you won't get these with any old cotton sheets, but you will with bamboo. Upgrade your stuffy cotton bedding in attitudes naturally breathable bedding made from their innovative clean bamboo fabric. It feels unlike anything else you've slept on, and no, they won't cost you or the earth, because right now you can get 20% off your first order by visiting attitude dot com slash dateable. These unbelievably soft clean bamboo sheets have over 15,005 star reviews, and they've been performance tested to be 51% more durable than standard sheets, 17% better at regulating temperature and 24% more moisture wicking. 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00:15:05 - 00:20:02
Right now, drizzly is giving all new customers $5 off their first order with the code fast 5. So download the drizzly app or go to drizzly dot com that spelled DRI Z, LY dot com and use the promo code fast 5 that spelled FAST number 5 for $5 off your first order. You're welcome. Have you ever thought about how much better dating would be if you had a whole army of people supporting you along the way? We know that dating can be frustrating and lonely, but it can also feel fulfilling and fun. Have you recently decided you want to make some changes to your love life? Maybe you've recently reentered the dating scene. Maybe you've gone on one too many dates that went nowhere, or maybe you're just ready to take your current relationship to the next level. That is exactly why we created the sounding board, a true extension of our podcast that delivers a personalized experience, which includes monthly office hours where you can drop in and chat with us about anything. Weekly sound offs with guided discussions and regular virtual happy hours, allow Julie and I to become your dating sherpas to provide real-time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can all navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. Again, that's dateable podcasts dot com slash sounding board. I think you know the more self care that you can give yourself for me. I remember the best thing I did was going away to the, to Callisto, go to the Hot Springs. It sounds lame, but this was the first time I ever did a solo trip. And it wasn't even that far, but I just didn't do that. I was always relying on other people. I think that's what I learned from that big breakup and why it was really hard is that I didn't have that foundation of self at that time. And again, that was the gift that it gave me, eventually, right? But doing that trip wanted felt super empowering. And what else was in power, I guess that I had talked to talked about doing this trip with my ex, and it never happened. And I was like, fuck it, I really want to do this. I'm going to do it. That is empowering. To realize that you can still do the things that you want to do. This person is not the only source of having them happen. And then, you know, also having that reflection time. And I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I remember I went with you and some of our other friends to the save Hot Springs. And I was like, oh, I just like missed that meditative time that I had. It's not the same and not to say that that wasn't fun too. It was just a different type of fun. So again, how can you look at what's new in your life as additive? It may not be the exact same and that doesn't mean that you're going to have not any moments. I mean, there were definitely moments on that trip that I remember being brutally sad, but it means that you can also look at how you're growing from this whole experience. Oh yeah, so true. I mean, we used to talk about relationships like you meet someone who meets your needs, but at the core of relationships is that you meet your own needs and that's what makes a good relationship is that you are not needy for each other. You choose to be with each other. So in this breakup time, it is so important to meet your own needs and know that you have the power to meet your own needs before you start looking for someone because then you fall into that thirst trap. Oh, I'm so needy. I need someone to complete me. I need someone to make me feel whole. Fuck all of that. You are a whole as far as I've seen. Nobody's walking around with half of their body, you are fucking whole, and you're not looking for someone to complete you. Just meet your own needs during this time. At least not for a breakup. They're not walking around with half a body that we know. Yeah, I was a, this is kind of funny. I was reading this book and this guy's like, I bought this piece of artwork where from far away it looks like one person with a belt on. And then when you look closer, it's actually two different statues of two different people. They're intertwined and the belt is actually their hands together. But when you separate them apart, they actually stand by themselves. They don't topple over. So I like that. Yeah, he's like, this is the best representation for relationship is you are as one, yes, in a relationship, but when you are a part, you're also as one and you stand on your own. You know, I feel you when we start a date, I feel like the core of who you were was never something we thought we would talk about nearly as much. I mean, that is everything, but also we clearly who you are, but keeping the other love in your life is so essential, you know, for the times when the it shouldn't be just because you have a breakup now you need your Friends. That should be your life with a partner as well. So then if something like this happens, it's just, it's not like, oh my God, now I have to scramble and call my friends back that I haven't talked to in 6 months.
00:20:03 - 00:25:04
And again, that's not the only reason you need Friends. There's so much satisfaction in all types of relationships and love. But I think in these times, you do need to realize that other people love you and just because you don't have romantic partner doesn't mean that you have no love in your life. There are so much love if you choose to see it. There's just so much warmth all around you, people who want to be around you, people who want to support you. And it's not just your partner where you're ex partner. We put so much emphasis on relationships that when they're over, we feel like a part of us is gone, or devastated, we're deflated, but if we can be stronger with the network around us, then we will never feel this way. Imagine the next breakup you have because who can control the future. You never know what could happen. People have divorces, things happen all the time. Think about the next breakup or separation you have and feeling that power of wholeness, even without that person in your life that is the ultimate feeling that we're all striving for here. Yeah, and this might sound a little whoo whoo, but I think the more you could have the mentality that life is playing out the way it's meant to be. And what is right is going to come to the surface. Eventually, it might be hard in the moment. Of course, you now are alone, or you don't have that person anymore. But in a year, in two years, looking at what your life is then, one, you could have found someone that's a much better match for you. I mean, now when I look back to that period, I'm just like, I wish I could have told my past self, my future self could have told my past self, it's going to be okay. This is actually helping you find the person that actually is the right person for you for the long haul. So there's that element, but also it's not just about finding another person. I think my future self would tell my past self, look at all the stuff you're going to do for you and that makes you whole in the upcoming years that honestly like having this person that was making you feel shitty or making you feel not enough or you had so much emphasis on trying to make something work that just wouldn't work. That would be distracting from the stuff that you had going on in your life. That's so meaningful at this stage. Sometimes you almost have to compare your relationship to yourself to the relationship that just ended. Because what we've seen is as we get older, the relationships that don't work out are not because you lose feelings for each other. You still like each other, the passion still there. It's that you have misaligned goals. Or your partner doesn't want to be there for you all the time. But if you compare that to your own relationship with yourself, regardless of what happens, you have this unconditional love for yourself and you always show up for yourself. Why would you settle for anything less than what you provide for yourself, right? Think about that. So if a relationship that your partner is not there for you, they're not stepping forward towards you, they're stepping away, that's not the kind of relationship you want to be with anyway. Regardless of whether the feelings are still there. Feelings are easy to catch. Yes. Okay. We've talked about this on other brunch talks even, but it's all redirection. And you're not starting over, you're starting from experience. So while it might feel daunting to get back on apps or get back into the dating scene, maybe you're older, maybe there's some fears coming in that way. I personally think the more life experience you have, the more dating experience and relationship experience. The more you know yourself, if you can use this to get to know yourself, the best way possible, dating doesn't have to be this brutal time consuming, painful experience. I remember this time when I was dating, even though there was a period I was getting rejected a lot when I think about it, because I was so at one with myself and happy, I really rolled off of me. It wasn't something that was detrimental to my ego and self esteem. But I think if I had looked at myself a few years ago, I would not have been able to handle it that way at all. Yeah, so all from those experiences, right? So ultimately, how do you get over a heartbreak or a breakup? You get through it. First is to understanding that you have to accept what has happened and feel the feelings. It's not going to feel comfortable at first. And then you got to think about how can I show up for myself. What are the needs that I can fulfill for myself without a partner? It's a partner is not the most dependable thing in your life. You are the most dependable thing in your life. Then think about where can I nourish more of that love? Where can I give more of that love? My Friends, my family, my network, my community, whatever that may be, and always work towards progressing. Going backwards. And it's thought to mean that every day is going to be peachy keen. But I think sometimes when we say like, oh, lean on your Friends, it's let me talk about my ex with them.
00:25:04 - 00:27:51
But how can you start to see the positives at this next chapter has and not just dwell on the past on what happened? Again, not to say that you can't be sad and have those moments. But the more you can embrace what's around the corner that can help you get through it. Okay, well, good luck to everyone out there. When you're in it, when you're in the thick of it, it is brutal, but you will get out of it. That's all you need to remember is you will get through this. And you'll be stronger for it. And we're here with you by you for you all the way. You got people supporting you. And thank you for sending in this question for everybody else. Even if you've submitted a question, keep submitting them. It's okay. More than one. You can message us on Instagram, DMS at dateable podcast or you can email us hello ad dateable podcast dot com. We read all of the emails and we were trying to address all of the questions you all are sending in. Awesome. We'll see you next week for another brunch talk. Bye. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those pose. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. At jiffy lube, it's our job to keep you moving. With a full range of services from oil changes in Thai rotations to filters, wipers, and more. We've got what your car needs, right when you need it. So you're ready for whatever's next. Putting you in the driver's seat of car care? That's a job for jiffy. Now I make EDs when you buy any crispy chicken sandwich or quarter pounder with cheese, you'll get a free medium fry and free medium drink when you order on the app. So do you have the app? How you want to get this deal if you don't have the app. I know you have a phone. Anyhow, if you have the app, enjoy your free fries and drink. If you don't, you can't see me, but know that I'm shaking my head. But I mean the time only I participated in McDonald's fellow one time for day visit MacDonald's app for details download and registration required.