Whether it's defining the relationship, saying the l-word, or moving in together, how do you know when it's the right time or if things are moving too quickly? Factor in if you've had less than desirable role models, unhealthy past relationships, or limited relationship experience. Don't worry, we got you as we discuss what it even means to move 'too quickly', how fear can get in our way, and how to have these important convos with your partner (and yourself).
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#brunchtalk: How do you know if you're rushing into things?
00:00:01 - 00:05:04
The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host UA Shu, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Hi brunchables, welcome to this week's episode of brunch talk by the dateable podcast where we answer your burning dating questions and we like to be generous with our answers so we will try to answer all of the questions you all are sending in and we'll answer it in a way that hopefully can apply to many different scenarios. But first, brunch. So for everyone that's submitted, thank you. And I think what's great about this is that we do start to see patterns a lot and it's a reminder again that you're never alone in your questions. So even if you are thinking, oh, this might just apply to me, send it anyways because if it does, we'll abstract it into something that we're seeing from the larger good. And we love these questions because it does bring back so many feelings for me. I just remember just being in the same boat. I feel like every question has been completely relatable for me and I've been through it. I think some of them in the current boat, even the blood today. I'm like, oh, I can relate to some of this. So I feel like, regardless of your relationship status, I feel like this stuff comes up all the time. I mean, obviously some more than others, like the one we did a couple weeks ago about paying on the first date, maybe that's not as relevant as if you're in a relationship, but I would say that, you know, it's more of a philosophical conversation in general that all people could relate to. But for the most part, a lot of them, I think, relate across the board, or you never know what stage you're going to be in. Maybe you're not in a relationship today, but you will be soon. Things can change real fast in modern dating. And doesn't it feel good to know there are other people pondering the same things as you, you are not alone in this. You may think you're overreacting or overthinking, but you're going to find other people who are in the same boat. And that's our goal here is to create a community of people who are going through all of this together and we can help each other out through brunch talk. I feel like when I was in the thick of dating, I would say it was in 2012, like when Tinder first came out and not that that was the end of when I dated clearly. But I think the intro to it and it was in a time where I was going on a lot of dates and none of them were going past date number three. Ever. And I really thought something was wrong with me. Fundamentally wrong with me. And I think that was a big ammunition of starting this podcast because I realized, no, it actually isn't, and it's just, you know, part of it is everyone goes through this and some of it's just growth and learning and then also another part of it is how modern dating is in today's world. That it's kind of setting us up in a lot of these ways if we're not able to navigate through it. So having something like this that makes you feel not alone is so, so valuable. You know, sometimes even having the answer is less valuable than knowing that it's just something you need to go through and sometimes the reality is that not everything has a perfectly outlined answer. Something I'm very proud of that we do is that yes, we'll answer the question, but we'll also help you reframe the question. Sometimes their questions are very much focused and biased. And it reminds me of our season finale with animation who talks about why we love. One of the main points that she brought up was there's no such thing as instant chemistry when it comes to gauging your compatibility. Yes, you can have instant chemistry, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're going to have a long, healthy relationship because of it. I bring this up because sometimes we structure our questions like, you know, do you think if we don't have instant chemistry that this could work? Well, the question, yes, makes sense, but also reframing that question to think, what instant chemistry is not the indicator. You're not trying to gauge anything from instant chemistry. Then you would probably reframe your question a little differently. Yeah, it makes me think we haven't aired this episode yet. It will be in season 15, so UA and I are hard at work for season 15, and there was an episode that we recently recorded where the guest basically said a lot of people don't stop to ask theirselves a lot of these reflection questions of where this came from, what is this really mean? And I feel like we kind of had that conversation in the episode we did about the science of self awareness too and that's clearly a theme of dateable and the people that listen to this. I think the biggest thing that we can all do is really take that beat to reflect opposed to just go, go, go. And that's where so many people run into issues and hopefully by listening to this podcast, we're helping setting you above the rest.
00:05:04 - 00:10:01
So let's get into this question. The question is, how do I know if I'm rushing into things or not? Okay, so bore context. This is a good one. How do you know if you're ready for big milestones of relationship, saying the L word, going on a long trip, moving in or so on. I'm not looking for a time map, but rather how do I recognize that I'm ready to take the next step. I know there are certain things that you know when you know, but I feel like I can't trust my instincts as the only data point I have is my previous relationship where we both exhibited unhealthy tendencies in this doesn't seem like a good baseline. Perfect example of a question that could use a little reframing. So instead of thinking, how do I know when I'm rushing into things or not? Which implies that you're basing your relationship on a timeline and that timeline is not yours if someone else is reframe of this question could be how do I know when it's time to progress a relationship forward? And I've absolutely struggled with this because there are times you're like, oh, I've been seeing this person for three months or it's been three dates and isn't it time for this? Is it a time for that? My biggest learning in dating is that the only timeline that matters is the one you and your partner create. No other timelines or milestones matter. Everyone's doing their own thing. So find that timeline that feels good for you. If you feel rushed, if you feel like this is kind of against your natural being of progressing this relationship forward, that's a great indicator that maybe you're moving a little fast. But if you feel like that next step is so natural, you want to take it, your partners on board with that. There is nothing stopping you other than you creating these false milestones for yourself or fake, I guess there are more of the milestones that other people have created. That don't apply to you. That's the only thing that's stopping you, right? So it's really about you and your partner, how do you feel at this point and can you move forward? Yeah, I think we're it gets a little tricky is I totally agree with everything you just said, especially if you feel like it's moving too fast. Sometimes, you know, sometimes people will be like, oh, we're defining the relationship only after a month. But if you're feeling good about it, both of you, then I don't think you're rushing into things. And I think sometimes we think that whatever decision we make needs to be forever. And even something as big as moving in together, if it really doesn't work out, it's not like you were stuck forever in this position. While it's not ideal, it's definitely going to be challenging and you don't necessarily want to set it up for that. It doesn't need to be like if I make this call, I will never be able to reverse it. Fuck, even marriage, you can reverse. Again, not saying you want to, but you can if you need to, right? So it probably children's the only thing really can't reverse. Anyways. I think the other piece though is sometimes and I can hear like fear in this question, we get paralyzed to move forward because of fear and especially if you have less than desirable past experiences to draw from, I can see where that is coming from. Of course, we don't know the whole ins and outs of this person's situation, but let's say your past relationship did move fast. And it ended up feeling unhealthy. Of course you're going to be afraid to take those next steps with someone new because you think the same thing is going to happen. But you have to recognize that this is a different person, your dynamic is different. Maybe you've grown a lot since your last relationship. Doesn't mean that however you were at one point in your life is how you are now. And I think we see this happening to people that haven't been a lot of relationships. We've got in this single identity for so long that it's hard to almost see us in this new identity. And I think instead of saying, is this too fast or my rushing, it's really coming down to what is it that's getting in my way of taking this next step. Is it my fears? Is it my concerns? Is it that I don't feel safe with this person? Is it that I still have X, Y, and Z that's a concern for me? I think really getting to the root of what it is is a better path, especially I get it, if you've been burned before, I can see why you would say I can't trust my instincts. So maybe doing it in a more objective way of trying to get to the root of this and I mean, if you're in therapy or have some support group, this could be a really good place to start to flesh this out with someone else or talk to your partner. I think that was the biggest mistake I made was I kept asking my Friends, asking external resources like, do you think I'm moving too fast with this person? Do you think that we should be doing this given that we've been dating for X amount of time? But I never had that conversation with my partner. And I wish at those points in my life, I would have just sat down with my partner and said, how do you feel about things right now? Do you feel good? I kind of think maybe we can take that next step.
00:10:01 - 00:15:01
How do you feel about that? What a concept because that is exactly what a fucking relationship is. Is when you do these check ins and ask, how are you feeling? Are you feeling good? There's only so much your Friends, dateable podcasts, can tell you, but we are not mind readers, and we can't speak for your partner. The only thing that I think matters in any kind of situation like this is focus on the things you have control of. You have no control of the future. You have no control of what your partner feels. You only have control over your feelings and what you want. And so if what you want is progressing this relationship, think about what it is you can do in your control to progress the relationship forward. I think it's great if you get on the same page with your partner or ask them to end the same page and you'll know earlier in a relationship if they are or not. If they don't feel, it's not so much like they're on the same page. If they don't feel that there's a future where they don't feel like they want to progress farther, then you have your answer. Instead of waiting to think, oh, maybe I scare this person off, or I shouldn't have asked so early. No, it's actually better to know earlier if they want to work on this with you or not. Let's hold that thought for a few messages. This episode is brought to you by attitude, want deep, restful sleep without taking melatonin, trying to stop your night sweats or looking to get a little more eco friendly, you won't get these with any old cotton sheets, but you will with bamboo. Upgrade your stuffy cotton bedding in attitudes naturally breathable bedding made from their innovative clean bamboo fabric. It feels unlike anything else you've slept on, and no, they won't cost you or the earth, because right now you can get 20% off your first order by visiting attitude dot com slash dateable. 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Now for our listeners only get 15% off your entire order, just visit sugar break dot com slash dateable and use the code dateable for 15% off. This applies to any products on the site. Again, just go to WWW dot sugar break dot com slash dateable and use a code DAT ABL E for 15% off your entire order. I think it depends where this is coming from too. The moving too fast because the examples this person gave were pretty broad, right? Saying the L words, saying, going on along trip moving in, like, all that stuff I think is different than maybe, you know, someone not being open to committing. While I think you definitely the attach your partner of a 100% on board with that, of course. Some of it does come from deep rooted stuff of ourselves. Like, there's a reason why sometimes saying the L word, I'll use that one as the first example, is difficult, maybe it wasn't something that was set in your family. Maybe you set it too soon in the past and it caused problems. None of that has to do with your partner. So I think the more you can talk to your partner if you are having hesitations about rushing in is sharing past examples of where you're coming from, but that's why I think it's also important while I don't think you should ever exclude your partner from this convo, talking to a trained therapist, if that's where you are is a good supplement to that because it's sometimes hard to figure out what is the us issue or what is the meat issue. You get 10% off at better help by going to better help dot com.
00:15:02 - 00:20:04
And you see data and you can be matching therapy. You could be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours and they'll help you virtually. It's more affordable than in person. This episode is sponsored by better help. This episode isn't even sponsored by better help and we already know that this is something that could be very valuable. Yeah, I think there's so many deep rooted issues that we carry from our childhood even of how we observe love, how we observe relationships that we put on this map of what a relationship should look like, and we're trying to map our partners against that. And we preach this all the time. It doesn't relationships don't work that way. You have to create what works for you. Doing that self work to understand where this is coming from is very helpful. And it's good to have these questions in the back of your mind of the concerns that I have. Does it actually matter? Does it actually matter? And the concerns that I have currently or the fears that I have, if I didn't have the fears, what would I do differently today? What is the first action I would take? I would say for most people, it would be to be more bold to be more courageous to be more vocal to be more assertive, you know? A lot of this is like a waiting game for many of us daters were just waiting for things to happen. Things just don't happen like that. Life doesn't just happen. You have to make things happen and take control of it. So this is us, that TV show. I always think of this. They had this game of like, what's the worst that could happen or worst case scenario? And I think that's really important because a lot of us get trapped into this. Okay, I'll use the L word again as an example. What is the worst case scenario? Let's say you rush into it, you say it too fast, and then in a month, you're out of love. So you did feel it in that moment. Yeah. If worst case scenario is if you feel it, and then the person isn't there yet, they'll tell you, you'll either learn that they're never going to get there, or they'll tell you I'm not there yet because of X, Y, and Z and this is my past experience. And then you'll just learn more about your partner. So I feel like in both scenarios, it's not actually that bad. And if you can take that with all these steps and have it as a dialog and I would, again, getting to the root of why you feel like rushing is a thing. If you're the person rushing, maybe there's some fear behind that too. I can relate to that of a fear of abandonment. Once you actually have a partner, you want to make it happen, right? And you don't want things to fall apart. And I think there's a very big fear in that as much as the other side of fear of things progressing and losing freedoms or making the wrong choice or there's so many fears that creep in. So the more we can just get some of that out on the table and start to navigate it, whether it's with your partner or with a professional, depending on what it is, I think that's really the core of all this. What's interesting about this question is that it just shows you how fucked up modern dating is because when relationships actually progress and you DTR and you say the L word, so many people pause and think what is wrong. Are we moving too fast? Is this too good to be true? When that actually is a sign of a healthy relationship progressing, but because modern dating is so fucked up, that we have to pause and ask if this is the right thing. If this is actually real. So let's throw that out the window, modern day news fucked up. This is not, right? This is not a reflection of your relationship. And if you feel like you're getting the things that you want because these are the things that we often hear people wanting is progressing the relationship DTR, saying the L word, you know, being a committed relationship. If you are getting the things that you want, show, show that you appreciate that, right? And be grateful for that and acknowledge that this is something healthy that's progressing. Instead of thinking that this could be, this could be fear driven, right. And I think, you know, I do want to take a second because I think there's two sides of the spectrum here. There's the people that, you know, overthink, which is a lot of our podcast listeners, us included. And I think maybe get stuck in these traps is a too good to be true, that things are moving along, or am I making the right choice, all the stuff. So I think for those that cohort, we've said this before, it's like taking the step back and listening to how you feel. Do I feel good with this person? Do I feel like I always want to be with them? Do I feel like, you know, I can't imagine my life without them. That's all really important. Your brain can literally talk you out of anything. So that's for those people. But I want to talk about the people that just go because we also have that cohort too. That maybe this person that wrote in was that person that just went before and then noticed these unhealthy behaviors and is trying to course correct now. So for those people, I think it's important to maybe turn the brain on a little more.
00:20:05 - 00:25:06
We all know kind of where we fall on the spectrum here. And usually I feel like it's pretty extreme. I feel like, you know, it takes a lot of work to get to that middle ground, and that's the work we all do, but a lot of times, especially when we have these questions, we typically fall onto one side of the spectrum a bit more. So I think for the people that are maybe second guessing, they're instincts because they've gone with their feelings too much before. In that case, I think it makes sense to be a little more logical with it of how well do I really know this person? Do I feel seen and heard with this person? Do I feel secure with this person? Asking yourself the fundamental questions, opposed to like, I'm just having a good time, right? I think that can be dangerous too. It can definitely be dangerous, but I'm so jealous of under thinkers. You know, I wish I could think her and part of me is trying to be more spontaneous and under thinking things. And I think ultimately, if you jump into a relationship and you find that it's not right, like Julie said, what's the worst that can happen? You break up. You part ways. I think the worst thing that can happen is inaction of not doing things, the things that could have been. I often bring up this example of my college friend whose husband has stage four stomach cancer and she's like, we waste so much time in the beginning with game playing. We're trying to read each other's minds, but when we could have really just gotten that time back to spend with each other. Because that's what you're looking for, right? It's like someone to spend and do life with. So part of me is like, maybe just under think and go do the things as long as you're able to learn and process that learning and use it for your next relationship. Don't just go go go. Mindlessly, 'cause then you're not learning anything, you just repeating patterns. Kind of like, you know, you have a maybe a microwave relationship and you ask, what did I learn from that? What is something that I want in a relationship in a partner, then you take that to your next one? Yeah, I love that. As long as you can stop and reflect, you're not just doing the definition of it acidity, the same thing over and over. But I think a lot of times we do course corrects, like extremes. So having that each experience building on each other and just continuing to course correct till you hit that more equilibrium. That is, you know, that's progress. And I think the only way you can really get there is by having relational moments with people. I think so many times we think this self reflection and doing the work is solo, and then we'll be ready for relationship, but it doesn't work that way. I mean, of course, if there's major things you need to resolve. By all means resolve them, but I think you can also do that with a partner. There may be some things that you should do with the therapist solo. It doesn't need to be so either or and you know, again, what's the worst that could happen? If it's really not working out, a lot of the problem when it doesn't work out is our expectations that we get so ahead of ourselves. I can see if you say I love you too fast and then it doesn't work out or I don't even want to say I love you too fast because what does that mean? So you just say it within the first month. I'm just giving an example. Not saying that's too fast, but example. I think the expectation can't be after if it doesn't work out. Oh my God, but we loved each other. I think it needs to be the reality of current day. Yeah, you might have loved each other, but current day it's not working out. And that's all you need to know. So I think that's when it gets dangerous maybe, is when we set ourselves back because we're unraveling this kind of fast paced expectations and this vision of the future that we've laid out, but as long as we can stay and what is it that I'm presently feeling, whether it's good or bad, then I don't think that is ever gonna like put you in a bad situation. It's only letting you learn. Yeah, that's your truth. Exactly. It gets scary when we live in a fantasy. Either direction, you know? Well, I think we distilled this one. I'm not sure if we gave it exact answer. Really, there was no rushing it. It's having the conversations with your partner, the deep ones with yourself even to get clear of what it is, and not abiding by timelines that are out there, not feeling like that defines if something's too fast or not. It's how do you feel and how can you remove the fear and see what's actually getting in your way to make those decisions. Fuck the timelines, guys, fuck the timelines, but embrace the brunch. That was a great topic. Again, send in your questions. You can email us hello at dateable podcast dot com. You can also go to our website data podcast dot com and submit from there, where you can DM us on Instagram at dateable podcasts many different ways of contacting us and don't feel like, oh, I shouldn't ask this question. Maybe it's been asked already. Don't feel that way. Keep just keep sending them in. We love repeat questions or nuanced questions. Just do it. We love answering them. And make sure to subscribe so you get all these brunch talks, delivered to as soon as they go out, and then also the main episode, even though we are currently on our off season, that doesn't mean that we're not going to have an episode every week.
00:25:06 - 00:27:42
And we're gearing up for an even better season 15. Have a lovely brunch and we will talk to you all next week. Happy brunch. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. Be honest, are you completely obsessed with your shoes? Have you been known to talk about your shoes to Friends of family and people in line at the grocery store? If not, then you probably don't have rothy's. Because when you have shoes that are comfortable, washable and come in tons of styles and colorways, obsession is basically mandatory. Just as the millions of women who wear rothy's every single day. You may have heard of the point and the flat from rothy's, but they also make insanely comfortable sneakers, loafers, ankle boots, and more. Plus, every single rothy's product is made with sustainable materials, like plastic water bottles, and marine plastic. So not only are they comfortable, washable, where everywhere shoes that look great on your feet, they're great for the planet too. Step up your shoes and accessories this spring and get ready to be asked, are those rothy's? And for a limited time, you can get $20 off your first purchase when you go to rothy's dot com slash comfort. That's $20 off at rothy's dot com slash comfort. Hi. Welcome to your neighborhood pharmacy. Hi, I've got a prescription for diabetes test strips. How much is the copay? Well, it depends on your type of commercial insurance. And back to being in your yearly spend, subtracting the deductibles, also depending on your monthly. Why can't there be a better option? Or you could try contour next test strips, a 35 counts only 1999 over the counter and proven to be highly accurate. Go to contour next dot com slash radio to see if over the counter strips are a more affordable option for you. I think I'll try contour next.