When you meet someone ah-mazing it's hard not to imagine a future with them. But what's the line of getting ahead of yourself vs. giving it your all? Join us for this week's brunch talk as we talk about a methodology to give yourself a gut check, how even the best of us can fall into fantasy mode, and a surefire way to set expectations according to what you know.
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#brunchtalk: How do you not get ahead of yourself?
00:00:01 - 00:05:02
The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host UA Shu, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Here we go. Three, two, one. Hi Friends. Welcome to brunch talk. Nice to have you all back for this week and we are so excited to get into the questions you all have been setting in as you know or maybe you don't maybe you're new to the series. Every week we answer a burning question about dating. Yes, they are indeed burning and there's always a new one right around the corner. You know, I feel like when you are the thick of dating, there's always something to do that pops up every single time. You're like, I got it and then something just knew comes your way. I guess that's what makes dating interesting. I don't know. That's what keeps people going. You never know what comes your way. And it's nice to know that there is no one size fits all. Yeah, I don't know, that's a little off topic, but I'm kind of laughing. We have a guest season 15 that that is UA's Fred. And she sent a really funny thing through Instagram to UA and I was like, is this the bar for modern day day and was it someone sharing that they're pooping history and stuff? The video's like, if you sharing when he's pooping, how much he's pooping and where he's pooping. That's a trustworthy guy. Keep him. You know, he's into you. Yeah. She's like, this is a new low bar for day to day. Oh, what a topic for brunch talk, right? Anyways, I know that's so appetizing. I know. But you don't like number two for brunch. I don't even know, I don't even know what I'm talking about. So let's just get right into the question. We'll get to the point. So the question is, I'm really into someone, but how do I not get to ahead of myself? Further, clarification. This is what the listener wrote in. I met this guy at a bar through mutual friends, and it seemed like we had a lot in common, and we were really vibing. He asked for my number and we talked the whole next day, set up a date, but then of course, as soon as the date came, he vanished. I was really excited because I thought this person was promising. They seem to come from a similar upbringing. They seem to have a good occupation. And I thought we'd be a really good match. How do I temper my expectations a bit? Haven't we all been there? Where it's just so afraid to get ahead of ourselves, we don't want to get our hopes up, that we almost want to do the opposite, sit back, see what happens, have them reach out first. So I would say first and foremost, the only person who would be scared off from you expressing your like for them would be the wrong person. So if you're afraid of scaring someone off, if you're afraid that they're going to run away, that's the wrong person for you anyway. For the right person, they will want to hear what's on your mind. What your feelings are, where you stand. And this may not be a serious as I really want to be with you, but it could be something along the lines of I really want to keep seeing you. I really enjoy our time together. And the more I get to know you, the more I like you. I absolutely agree. The last thing we want to do is hold back just because we're afraid and we don't want other people to not like us or whatever that may be. But I would say the only thing to counter that with a little is how do we manage our own expectations that we don't know this person? I think so many times when we meet someone that seems seemingly good on paper. It feels so rare to connect. There's all these feelings that we put such an emphasis that this person could be the one or the person, but how well do we really know this person? So by all means, I think don't be afraid to put it out there. Don't be afraid to shoot your shot, but we also can't fast track and then fall in love with a fantasy and not a reality either. So true. So how do we know if it's real or if it's a fantasy? Well, the problem is, in the beginning of dating someone, it all feels real. And that's okay. That's your truth. But it's good to sit back and think why do I like this person? Sometimes we get so caught up in who someone is on paper, what their pedigree is and how they know you and what your meet cute story is. You forget to look at what you truly like in this person. So one way to decipher if it's real or fantasy is to ask, what do I actually like about this person? Make that list.
00:05:03 - 00:10:02
And if you are at a loss of what it could be, some of those things on the list, we did a great episode a few brunch talks ago, the difference between settling and being picky, where we laid out the only 7 things that matter when it comes to a budding relationship. And that's a really good guide and a lot of them come down to how does this person make me feel? Are they bringing out the best side of me? Are they consistent? Do I just enjoy hanging out with them and not even doing an elaborate date? You can refer back to that episode if you need inspiration. But personally I think whatever form this kind of gut check is for you. That's your evaluation period. It's giving it your all in the evaluation period. But until you start to see signs of these important pillars essentially of a relationship, it's important to realize that there's still data that needs to be collected. It doesn't mean that this person can't be that for you. It's just that you don't know them well enough to make that decision. So how can you instead of being afraid to dive in? How can you use this time to kind of foster this connection and feel in these gaps so you have enough information to decide is this person kind of worth going all in for? Maybe a good way to put that in a mindset is to think, how can I keep liking this person? What can I do for me to like this person even more instead of thinking what's next for us? What's next for our relationship? Right. Maybe not so much progressing the relationship but progressing your feelings for each other is essential in those initial stages of a relationship. And you'll also know if they're on the same page. I think this is the time to see if you are aligned. And if they're not great, now you knowing you can get the hell out of there and you don't have to put your heart on the line, but sometimes we skip that initial steps. And then we go straight into should we DTR now. Should we start meeting the Friends? Should we think about what's next in our relationship? And that actually just ruins the whole dynamic. That's a really good point. I think getting ahead of ourselves is future focused, right? Is looking into what the future means. It's less about enjoying the present and enjoying the connection that you're building. So I think if we can change the emphasis towards how do I continue to foster and grow this connection, that will kind of eliminate almost this am I even getting ahead of myself because we're staying in the present. We're not so outcome driven. And that's the risk when you're so outcome driven, you're pretty much setting yourself up for failure and disappointment because no outcome is that predictable. You can't control the outcome. But what you can do, what you can control is what you do in this moment and what you want to happen in this moment. And that's dependent on what you think is in your control. I remember those early stages of a relationship where I was just so into someone. I would actually become someone I wasn't. Because I was so afraid of this relationship, not blossoming, that I wanted to take baby steps and just not show my true self and hold back. And that's not the right way to do it at all because when you're getting your relationship, guess what? You got to show your true self, you can't hide yourself forever. So in those initial stages, it's like, show them who you are, show the true colors. Of who you are and see if you two are still aligned on progressing the relationship forward. Let's hold that thought for a few messages. This episode is brought to you by attitude, want deep, restful sleep without taking melatonin, trying to stop your night sweats or looking to get a little more eco friendly, you won't get these with any old cotton sheets, but you will with bamboo. 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00:10:03 - 00:15:04
This episode is brought to you by drizzly. If you look for it every day has cause for celebration, celebrate a friend for their promotion, baby, wedding life thing, celebrate yourself for keeping the couch warm. It's no easy feat, especially if it's a big couch. Or maybe you just want to celebrate living in 2022, where you can get beer, wine, and spirits deliver from drizzly in under 60 minutes without leaving, said couch. No wonder drizzly is the number one app for alcohol delivery. And remember to share the love, you can get alcohol delivered to your friends and your coworkers and a nice surprise. Right now, drizzly is giving all new customers $5 off their first order with the code fast 5. So download the drizzly app or go to drizzly dot com that spelled DRI Z, LY dot com and use the promo code fast 5 that spelled FAST number 5 for $5 off your first order. You're welcome. Have you ever thought about how much better dating would be if you had a whole army of people supporting you along the way? We know that dating can be frustrating and lonely, but it can also feel fulfilling and fun. Have you recently decided you want to make some changes to your love life? Maybe you've recently reentered the dating scene. Maybe you've gone on one too many dates that went nowhere, or maybe you're just ready to take your current relationship to the next level. That is exactly why we created the sounding board, a true extension of our podcast that delivers a personalized experience, which includes monthly office hours where you can drop in and chat with us about anything. Weekly sound offs with guided discussions and regular virtual happy hours, allow Julie and I to become your dating sherpas to provide real-time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can all navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. Again, that's dateable podcasts dot com slash sounding board. I mean, easier said than done, but I definitely fell victim to this too. It comes down to validation of yourself that there's something wrong with you if things don't move forward after a couple dates. But that isn't an actual truth. It just means that you two are not the right match. It doesn't mean there's something flawed about you as a human being, yet in dating, we put so much emphasis on what this means about me as a person. And I think that's part of what makes dating so difficult is that there's so much of that going on. So if we can eliminate that, then we're not really getting ahead of ourselves. We're just in the moment of Isla's person right for me or are they not right for me? Or I don't know yet, I still need to just keep hanging out with them to see. That's all that really should be the focus in this beginning stages, yet I know easier selling done. It's really hard to detach this greater meaning that we've put on dating, but if we can step back and realize that there's no reflections of you happening, there's nothing deeper that this is saying, then that can help us also stay present for what's the reality here. Is this person treating me well? Do I enjoy being around them? Is this someone that I want to give my time to? I think that's really ultimately what a relationship is. Like, do I choose this person? And did they choose me, but we get in this feeling of like, I need to be chosen as a popularity contest, not as a genuine form of love and respect for another human being. For sure, in all takes time. And I think we forget that. I think we totally forget that. The time is the answer here. I was reading the stat about just friendships in general. It takes 50 hours to be with someone for them to even become just an acquaintance friend. And it takes 200 hours for someone to become a regular friend and then a thousand hours for someone to become a good friend. So even on the friendship spectrum, it takes hours and hours of getting to know each other. So how can two people who just met and start dating become so close when it takes our hundreds of hours so you might just become a regular friend in rotation. That is true. And if you are that person and I've definitely read this person, that is envisioning your life with someone on the first date. You are in fact getting ahead of yourself. That is a truth. So the only reason that you have to worry about getting ahead of yourself is when you project a fantasy onto someone. If you're not projecting a fantasy and you're just living in facts in real life, then you're not getting ahead of yourself. You're letting something progress if it's meant to progress. The fantasy is what kills us all. And I have definitely been victim of this. And I think our listener that wrote in, yeah, this person seemed promising, but how well do you know them? You met them out at a bar realistically, you weren't even talking to them for like hours straight. Here or there, them coming in. It's like, you don't know this person. And I think we get so attached to what could be, this could be our person. This could be our soul mate, but we just don't have any of that data at this stage, nothing.
00:15:05 - 00:20:13
Yeah, even people who've been together for years may not even have these answers. It's really hard to figure out if someone's your life partner when you have only known them for a blip in your lifetime. The other trap I think people fall into because I've fallen to this too, is focusing on just getting them to like you back. And you're like, okay, I like them now. Let's see what I can do to make them like me. And every sign they show me, I'm going to take that as a sign that they like me back. And we forget fundamentally a relationship is based on mutual like and mutual respect. And if it's only one sided, you're setting yourself up for a very weak relationship where you're going to be constantly looking for that validation for your partner. Who wants a relationship like that? I think too when you're looking for those signs, you also overlook the problematic signs. I've been there before that you want them to like you so bad that you're like, oh, this person doesn't give me consistent effort. Maybe they plant this great date, but who cares if I haven't heard from them in two weeks before. And I don't know the next time I'm going to hear from them again, but you get so fixated on that incredible night that you had together. And that's becomes kind of the basis of this relationship. It kind of reminds me of an episode we did a while back. I think it was season 8 with Caroline with the gold standard remember that episode. She was so attached to this person because they had this magical first date, but then ignored the next three months where he basically treated her like shit as he was off pursuing his now wife, but that's another story, but basically wasn't giving her she had amnesia on that part because she was so hung up on the fantasy of this person that she thought she was getting after the first date. That, in my opinion, is getting ahead of yourself because reality and fantasy are not matching in any way. Oh my gosh, so true. And when you are in that mode, you start becoming your partner's publicist. You are making up excuses for them. You are reframing the problems into good problems, and then you start advocating for them without any reason to. And that is that I've definitely been there. I keep making excuses for this person who's treating me not the way that I want to be treated because they're really busy with work. They're traveling a lot. They're families in town. All those things that if you are in an actual relationship, these things would not excusable at all, but for some reason, in those early stages of dating, we make so many excuses for the other person, and like you said, Julie, just for that one magical night, we make a lifetime of excuses. And again, not a good relationship. I think that's a really good way to figure out are you getting ahead of yourself? Is it that you find that what you're saying doesn't justify what's actually happening? Are you saying things and then realizing you don't actually know the answer to something because you don't know this person well enough? Those are signs of getting ahead of yourself just, you know, if things are going along naturally and you feel like this is a reciprocal relationship, I don't think you need to be worried about getting ahead of yourself. That's giving it your all. There's a big difference between the two there. Yes, I like that distinction. I like that distinction. But with all this said, still savor those first couple stages of a relationship that's your they call it the honeymoon period for a reason because your feelings are so strong and you just want to see each other all the time. It's a great phase of a relationship. So don't let any of this stop you from pursuing that or wanting to live that. We're just asking you to be more cautious and more realistic in going into this. There's nothing wrong with really relishing in the honeymoon stage. Definitely take advantage of it. I think you learned from everything anyways, so even if this doesn't work out, let's say, I mean, I've been there before. You meet someone, you're like, of course, getting ahead of yourself with the sense that you're like, this could be it. This could be the person. Maybe those are the times that you're like, okay, let's fact checks here. I went out with a blood type. They seem like a promising person, but I don't really know that. That doesn't mean that you're not excited when they text. That doesn't mean that you don't say yes when they ask you out again. That doesn't mean that you initiate to hang out again. All that stuff can still happen in obviously it's better scenario if that happens and it leads to a relationship. But even if it doesn't, there's still good memories, I'll be associated with that. At the very minimum, you know you're able to love deeply and put your heart on the line. So I think all that's a benefit. Where I do think we need to be give our mind a little more power is the facts and we've been saying this on this episode of how well do I know this person? That's when I think people get ahead of themselves the most. Yeah, yeah, for sure. We got to live and learn, right? We got to live and learn and don't let these experiences leave you without any learnings from them and you can hear from Julie and I, we've been through this and we can tell you all about what we've learned from these experiences.
00:20:14 - 00:25:08
So if you are still in the learning stages, go, go do these things, go whatever your heart wants you to do, and then you learn from them. And if you've been through these already, you kind of look back through your previous experiences and say, what do I tend to do in the beginning of a relationship? What do I not want to do anymore at the beginning of a relationship? Anything we can do to learn from the past is valuable for our current situation and future situations. So live and learn people like all of us. I am, I think that's so important to distinguish between because that's when it gets dangerous of going too fast and getting ahead of yourself is if it makes you discouraged about finding love and meeting someone and I know from talking to friends when this keeps happening, it can be really painful and it can feel like this is like a dire situation. And I think that's where it gets dangerous if we can look at it like this is just getting me another step closer to the person I'm meant to be with. Okay, I dove in because I thought there was a connection there. There wasn't. I realized I don't actually know this person that well. This isn't a reflection of myself. My person's right around the corner. Having that mentality versus, I'm never going to meet anyone again. I thought this was something and it wasn't. I think that's where there needs to be the line of the two. Just getting ahead of yourself isn't a bad thing, as long as you can temper the expectations if things don't go the way you thought based on the facts of what's reality. Yes, for sure. So these are great frameworks for you to evaluate against, but the ultimate evaluation you can do is against yourself. What is it? You're looking for is this person delivering the kind of relationship experience that you're looking for? What do you like about them? Really be objective about what is it that's drawing you to this person? Do they make you feel the way that you want to be treated in a relationship? And then what have you learned from your past? Is there anything that you can take from your past that you can apply to this relationship in general? And then what is your heart truly want you to do? What is your heart saying right now? And do you want to listen to what your heart wants you to do? That is your choice, don't let your mind, your heart, none of it has to control you, you get to control the information that's fed to you. Yep, stay in the presence if you haven't listened to our last brunch talk about the different between settling and being picky, go back there, you will hear UA and I and our COVID voices because we recorded that when we're both sick with COVID-19, but there's a lot of good tidbits. I think the 7th, the only 7 things that matter in the feelings that go with that is a really great framework if you're looking for guidance of how to evaluate. And that is it for this week's brunch talk. Thank you all for sending that question in. We actually got that from a few different people. So there you go. And keep sending those questions in, you can email us hello added will podcast dot com. You can also DM us on Instagram with the handle at dateable podcast. I don't know if there's other ways. You can leave a what is a ratings and review. I'm like, what is it called? You can leave a ratings and review in Apple podcasts and ask the question there. Wow. Imagine that 5 stars with your question. I like that idea. Well, we'll see you next week and happy brunching. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. Hear that. That's the sound of a patient whose health data is protected from a cyberattack. And that, that's the sound of a financial system that's digitally secured from bad actors. Right now, there's an invisible war being fought on a digital battlefield that impacts what we do every day. That's why it periton, we do that can't be done to help protect the vital systems we rely on because if we don't, the alternative is unimaginable.
00:25:09 - 00:25:25
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