Everything's all fun and games until finances enter the picture – especially when there is a big pay disparity between partners. On this week's brunch talk we're chatting love and money and how it plays into the future together.
Everything's all fun and games until finances enter the picture – especially when there is a big pay disparity between partners. Is your relationship set up for failure for the long-haul? Is there a way to navigate the wage gap in a way that still makes both partners feel like equals? On this week's brunch talk we're chatting love and money and how it plays into the future together. So grab yourself a mimosa and let's chat as we go through some of the scenarios of how to make it work (or not).
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#brunchtalk: Is there a future when one partner earns more than the other?
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This episode is made possible by almond cow. Are you like me and can't really drink animal milk or maybe you prefer the taste of plant based milk? Well, almond cow makes it possible to make plant based milk at home with a comprehensive milk maker kit. And you can seriously make some yummy plant based milk without straining involved and it takes less than a minute. I recently made some delicious almond milk with simple clean ingredients, no more additives, fillers, or astronomical amounts of sugar. Almond cow milk is simply water and ingredients of your choice. Also, it's so affordable. You can go to the store and pay almost $4 for 64 ounces of plant based milk, where you can make 40 ounces at home for 55 cents. And think beyond just almond milk, you can literally milk any nut seed or grain of your liking. Plant based possibilities at the touch of a button for a limited time only on cows giving our listeners $25 off on all orders $200 or more. Go to almond cow to get started. Again, that's almond Cal dot CO and use your code dateable at checkout for $25 off. The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host UA shoe, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Hello, Friends. Welcome to another episode of brunch talk brought to you by the dateable podcast. This is our Sunday fun day episode and we love bring these episodes to you because now we finally get to answer all the questions you all have been setting in. Oh my God, Sunday fun day. That just brought me back ten years to bottomless but both. I love that where you're mine went. I feel like Sunday, fun day was such a thing and you would start at 12 and be out till, I don't know, ten, 11. I never made it past then. I can't do it anymore. I can't do that. I'm in bed by like four if I'm day drinking and it ruins my entire night. Will the problem was that I would always stay out like ten 11 and I would go home, go to sleep and then wake up at like 4 a.m.. Yeah, yeah. Totally fucks with your assistant. But when you're in your 20s, it's cool. Oh my God. We exclusively sought out brunch spots that probably had terrible food to have bottomless mimosas. Yeah, with cheap champagne. Yeah, although recently, one of my friends had her birthday brunch, you know her very well. Our friend Mary. And she gets after it. She's now a mom of two. And she heard her husband got a hotel in the city. So I should have known better. It didn't register, but at her like 11 o'clock shots were coming out full force. So yeah. Okay, yeah. It was Sunday fun day. Saturday fun day. Yes. Sunday, Sunday, mommy fun day. I feel like the older you get, you gotta move to Saturday, so you have like a full day of recovery in the next one. Or I take Monday off. Yeah, exactly. If I know it's coming, I got a plan accordingly. Julie, I don't know if I ever told you this story about my bottomless mimosa story in New York. And I please give more details. There was a place in the East Village. I forget the name of it, but it was $20 for a bottomless mimosas. All the 25 year olds in the city would go every Sunday to get. Fucking trashed, and there was one time I was there, right before I came in, I noticed people kind of leaving in big groups and just looking like they were very distraught. I don't know what was happening. So I go in, nothing happened, you know, I have my bottomless mimosas. I get home, and in the New York Post, they had just updated the story about some guy who took a shit at that restaurant after doing like hours of bottomless mimosas and he didn't know he had shit his pants until another patron has smelled the shitty aroma. And they cleared out the restaurant. So this happened right before I got there. Can you believe this guy was so fucking trashed? He shat his pants and didn't even know it. Wow. I thought you were gonna say like he was with your group or something. Oh no. He would not be my friend. Anymore. That's just sad. And is that? I don't know if I told you this full story about the shots at this bride. Tell me more. But they came around for shots, and it was like 11, and my friend counted the number of people at the table, and I was like, I'm good, like my boyfriend and I are like, don't want one. Yeah. And the guy, like the waiter, because I don't like shots in general. And it was also, there were many reasons. So anyways, we're like, we're good, we don't want that. My boyfriend was in the bathroom at the time. So it was just me. And the guy's like, okay, ten shots. And I'm like, did you just hear me? No, clearly.
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I don't want any. So anyways, I had to go to the bathroom, my wedded sod, and I told him, and I was like, hey, you can take two off. And he's like, I can't because they're already in the system, which is bullshit. But I was like, okay, then just bring them and I'll give them to someone else. So he comes by, brings the shots over. And he comes by and he comes over to my boyfriend and I first, and he's like, don't worry. It's good. And he gives us the shots. And we're like, okay, that's weird. And then he goes around and gives everyone else the shots. Like forgot like two shots. I'm like, what is going on here? Comes back and then I'm like looking confused and he's like, don't worry, it's water. So he really given a shot so we could like part of the group. So anyways, we give the chairs whatever. My boyfriend takes his shot. It's fine. I take mine. I'm like, this does not taste like water, like this tastes tequila. And I'm like, keep sipping it 'cause I'm like, is this water or tequila? And then this guy next to my boyfriend. He's like, guys, I think I've just been going out too much 'cause this shot tastes like water. So this guy, like the waiter. He like fucked up his own plan. And then they're like, why would they give water shots? 'cause everyone was so confused. I don't know, the whole thing was awkward, and then finally my friend asked the waiter. And he's like, oh yeah, I didn't want them to feel left out. She's like, why didn't you guys say they're watered? I'm like, I don't know. This whole thing happened. And I wasn't part of it. It just happened. What if I was pregnant or something? Like, he can't fuck up that plan. That's terrible. We're allergic or you're an alcoholic. There's so many things. We were trying to feel left out. We told them we were good. We could have cheered our regular water. Yeah, yeah. Fired. Well, help all your brunches are going a little better than that. Make sure you're getting what you asked for, whether that's tequila or water. Ahead of time. Let's get into our question. It's not related to this at all, but I don't know, tequila could help in the situation. The question is, what do I do if I'm having doubts in my relationship? A little bit more details, this person says I've been with my partner for a little bit over a year and a half and we have a large pay discrepancy in the beginning, I didn't think it was a big deal, but now it's starting to be a point of contention for us. I'm starting to doubt if there is long-term potential with this partner, what do I do if everything else is going well? Well, you know, there's always going to be something. I think that's first and foremost. There's always going to be always. Well, and everything else is everything else is not going well if this is what's bothering you, right? We can't think like this is separate from everything else. This does bleed into every other aspect of your relationship. Yeah, I mean, I think the reality is that things haven't changed, right? This is something you do from day one. So it needs to be can I fully accept my partner for who they are or is it that much of a problem that I need to leave and find someone that's a better match for me at that? Knowing that there may be other areas that they're not a better match, right? So no one is perfect. No one is going to check all the boxes, but ultimately only you know how essential one thing is. I think the worst case is staying and feeling like resentment about it. Yeah. Like that is the worst. I think you need to either get over it and just be like, I'm gonna be the primary breadwinner with today's world. If it's woman or man, whoever, like there's no shame in that, like everyone is on a different page. Or no it's a deal breaker for you. Yeah, the issue here is that in early dating, we tend to overlook some of these issues that we make encounter later in our relationships because these are more for long-term compatibility and then in early dating, you're like, everything's great, anything goes. This person's fun, they're nice. We're having a good time. And when you hit that year mark or year and a half mark, I think that's when you start thinking, um, could this be long-term? And I've personally haven't been in this situation but I've had many friends, many girlfriends who have who are high powered positions, doctors, lawyers, whatever, and they marry or are in relationships with men who don't make nearly as much, maybe one third, what they do. And I think what has worked for them is this open communication about it. I think what doesn't work is when you, like you said, Julie, when you have the resentment, or when you start thinking, when are they going to get a higher paying job? You don't actually say it to them. You're just waiting for things to happen. Right. It doesn't work like that. The relationship that I've seen work, they have an opening communication say, if this high pay discrepancy between us is going to continue. How do we want to do our finances if we were to get married? How do we want to raise our children? How do we want to upkeep our lifestyle? And you have to agree on these terms.
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And maybe sometimes the other person says, okay, well, actually, I do want to make more money because I think we should be on the same page where they go, you know what? I want to contribute more in these other ways. But it has to be discussed is such an individual problem. Yeah, I love that what you said. You can't force people to do something different. You know, and also just started occupations just pay differently. So it doesn't even mean that it's a reflection of their ambition or drive or anything like that. So I would also maybe challenge this person that wrote in to think about like, what is it that's really bothering me? Is it like the prestige of their job? Is it the actual dollar amount? Is it that I feel like they're lazy? You know, like, I don't know, like what is it that's really bothering you because just the blanket like they don't make enough that it could be any of those things. The reverse to think about what your partner's feeling, they don't want to feel inadequate. They don't want to feel like they're less than. So if you're not communicating this, you sure as hell are probably going to show it in a relationship. It's not going to make them feel good. And know that anything could happen in the future. I always say that the future is so unpredictable. My friend was dating an artist and he was completely broke, but then was able to sell one painting for 40 grand one month. You know, you just never know with different occupations when they may hit the jackpot or you could also lose your job and be without any income for a while. So ultimately, have to look at the core of the foundation of the relationship, is it suitable for a future? And be on the same page about the core values that you find are important. Yeah, I do go back to not everyone will have every last thing on your checklist. I think that we just have to accept that. That is a truth of it. There's always going to be something. Always, no matter what, if you do end this relationship, then find someone that has the high paying job, there's going to be something else that's a challenge. So of course, how can we work through this and how can we see this person for the good that they bring to the relationship? Because I really think focusing just on the negatives is set up for failure. And if that is what you're finding yourself doing, then it may be time to let this relationship go, because yeah, it's not fair. Like you were saying, it's not fair to the other person to be held to the standard. You know, we talked about this once on a podcast that we did with Alexandra Solomon. It stuck with me is that every relationship there's going to be conflict is just going to show up in a little different way. So if you're just getting out to escape what you're currently in, that's going to come back to bite you in a different form. So before you throw in the towel here, really look at what this relationship means holistically. Yeah. In my experience, what's so important in all of this is to maintain respect for your partner is as soon as the respect is gone, everything is gone. Yes. So if you are seeing your partner is lesser than you don't really think they have a real job or you don't think they can live up to your lifestyle standards. That's so dangerous and toxic because you're always going to see them as inferior to you. So it's important in these situations. Maybe even couples counseling would be good is to equalize a relationship so that you don't feel this disrespect for your partner, which will ultimately end in really bad, just bad results. I agree, respect is so foundational and it doesn't need to be money all the time. If that's the case, look at your partner and say, is this an intellectual equal? Is this someone I can learn a different things from, that I don't know? They challenged me in some way. It doesn't always have to equate. I feel like sometimes we equate money to how intelligent someone is or how successful they are, even success doesn't always equate in terms of dollar amount. So I would encourage you to think about what are some other ways that you can see the values that you're really looking for within this person that isn't necessarily just like a number. Something that's kind of personal to both you and I is we do this podcast. Yes, we have a full time day job. What if we only did this podcast and you were with a partner who's like, oh, you just do a podcast and you don't make enough to make a living. I don't think I could be with someone like that because it's podcast is our baby. It means so much to us. Maybe we're not making so much money right now to sustain ourselves, but at least it's something that we really truly love. And I met up with friend the other day and he was introducing me to someone. He's like, oh, she has a podcast on the side. I'm like, no, it's not a podcast on the side. He's like, but you don't make a full-time living on it. I like it doesn't matter, right? It doesn't matter the money amount. So I think that's also important to talk about with your partners like, what are their passions? And what are they working towards to? And for anybody who has dismissed you and I for doing this podcast, I'm like, what if one day we become these multi millionaires with this fucking empire of a business, which is what we're building, what are they going to say then, right? You didn't expect this, but you didn't respect us enough.
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Not what if, when? When we become. When? No, but that would just hit so hard if someone felt that way. So hard. But also it goes back to how do you measure success, right? Like, you know, we've been on the top of the charts. We reach so many people. It helped them through their personal lives. There's so much success in there that doesn't correlate to dollars at all. So yeah, I think the worst thing can be to not address it and to put them down in some way. Ultimately, we need to accept our partners for who they are, whether it's money or some other quality, we can not bank on potential. That is a surefire way to not let a relationship grow into build resentment. Ali Wong, perfect example. Oh my God. She married for a stability and then she got famous and rich and look at her now. They're divorced. Her whole comedy special is how she dreams of cheating on him and then she's like, I'm divorced. But can you imagine like, I don't know her personally, obviously, and I don't know much about her background with her ex-husband. But can you just imagine the type of ridicule she got? When they were dating, I'm sure her family was like, you're dating a what? A stand up. You know, she's not going to make any money. That's not a respectable job. And he probably thought the same thing. It was like, I'm marrying an artist. Let's see what happens. Little did they know? Yeah. I think though we can't it's so easy to be like, but what if maybe they'll turn into this superstar, but I think you have to really take at face value what is happening because yeah, again, we really need to be I think going off potential is the most dangerous thing you could do at a relationship. Yeah, you go off to intent. So if you're dating someone who is a deadbeat, I don't ever want to work. Right. It's going to be a stay at home, whatever. Not even a stay at home parent, but just to stay at home. Stay at home, watch TV. Do nothing, yeah. I want to be a professional Netflix watcher, then maybe that doesn't coincide with your core values. But if you are dating someone who's like, hey, I'm still chugging along in my career. I have these goals in mind. I am motivated. I'm just not where I want to be right now, then that's all you can really ask for is the intent. Yeah. So for anyone that caught last week's episode, it was when you know you know. So you're pretty sure. But my counter to that is I did read this article that basically, it's okay to never be a 100% sure. Yeah, you'll never be a 100% sure, because there's always going to be a side of you that thinks like, what if, you know, that's normal. And instead of fighting that, I think, yeah, all the stuff we talked about, but on this episode is really important to get to a place of respect, but also don't beat yourself up if you're not feeling like, oh my God, I know, in my core, a 110%, like that is also A-okay. Yeah. Potential. Okay, so what are some of our key takeaways on this? Don't date for potential. It's number one. Yeah, don't date for intent. Don't date for potential. And if you are having doubts with your partner, the first person to talk about these issues with is your partner. And get to the root of what the doubt really is, because sometimes we almost mask it in something else that really isn't the true doubt and we say their career isn't as lucrative as mine. Like what does that really mean? Ask the why, then ask the why again and the why again. Why, why, why, why, why? All right, that is it for this episode. We are done with our bottomless talk. I was just saying everyone's enjoyed their Sunday Friday and pondering about what to do when you've doubts in your relationship. Maybe don't have 5 mimosas and then start talking about that. Yeah, let's sleep alcohol out of this. Alcohol just creates more doubt. For anybody. And we will see you all back here next Sunday for another episode of brunch talk in the meantime, send us your questions hello at dateable podcast dot com or DM us on Instagram at data podcast. See you next week. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those pose. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts.
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