Oh the dreaded s word….settling. We’re all so afraid to “settle” yet how do we know when we are being so picky that no one can meet our standards vs being smart to hold out for the right person? On this week’s installment of brunch talk we’re dissecting it all: the core differences of being selective vs picky, the settling paradox, and the only 7 things to look for in a partner.
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#brunchtalk: What's the Difference Between Being Too Picky And Settling?
00:00:00 - 00:05:01
This episode is brought to you by drizzly. If you look for it every day has cause for celebration, celebrate a friend for their promotion, baby, wedding life thing, celebrate yourself for keeping the couch warm. It's no easy feat, especially if it's a big couch. Or maybe you just want to celebrate living in 2022, where you can get beer, wine, and spirits deliver from drizzly in under 60 minutes without leaving, said, couch. No wonder drizzly is the number one app for alcohol delivery. And remember to share the love, you can get alcohol delivered to your friends and your coworkers and a nice surprise. Right now, drizzly is giving all new customers $5 off their first order, with the code fast 5. So download the drizzly app or go to drizzly dot com that spelled DRI Z, LY dot com and use the promo code fast 5 that spelled FAST number 5 for $5 off your first order. You're welcome. The date of the podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host UA Shu, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Welcome to brunch talk by the dateable podcast. We are here to eat and chat and dissect dish dish and analyze. And then fucking move on from it all. Yes, get it out of our systems. This is the time for tea. Especially if it's not serving us, but or okay, get it out of our systems or get that clarity and enlightenment that we need to move on. Okay, there you go. That's the positive. It's a nicer way. Nicer way to do it. But we are still recovering both of us from COVID, so if we sat a little loopy, that's why, but we are committed to give it the brunch talk and divulging it all, even if we are quarantined right now. But brunch is a time to just divulge. Let's just get it out. It's like vomiting out the information or the questions or the concerns that you have. And hopefully you're with your Friends and you guys are talking about your love lives and there's so many questions circulating. I know that we've had many questions circulating during our brunches, Julie. It's a therapy session. Yeah, you can Venmo Venmo me any time. I'll go to brush with you for a small feat of 250 plus. Plus I watch eggs Benedict. Thanks. But the reason why we talk about it with our Friends is because we need to get it out of our system. You can't ruminate by yourself thinking about these things. Why didn't this person text you back? Why do they say this? Why did this happen? You have to get out of your own head, and that's why you have to kind of crowdsource. And you know, there is a time to crowdsource. I think for these board general conversations, but there are some brunch talk topics too that I think taking that pause and say, should I be talking to my friends about this? Or should I be talking to my partner about this? Yes. That's very important. But you know, I think we all need to go through a stage too that we air it out with our friends because I think that helps us get to that next stage that gives us the communication and conversational skills to have those hard convos with our partners. But if we don't deal with our Friends first, it's really hard to go from zero to a hundred. But you have to set the stage. You have to say, I am just bitching and airing. I don't need a vice. You know, I don't need all these other opinions. I'm just here to bitch, or you're looking for actual advice. I think that's kind of problem sometimes I remember just being at these brunches where I'm just talking and talking and then I realized, what am I looking for? I'm just looking for validation. I'm just looking for people to tell me that I'm right. I know. I had a friend text me the other day really upset about dating. And I was like, I think I know what could help you, but do you want advice? Do you want to because I feel like especially the two of us were so often fix it mode, but a lot of times people don't want that, or they're not ready for it. So I would say I love what you just said. If you could, if you could be aware enough to set the stage, that's the best. But if your Friends aren't doing that, maybe you could be the person that asked before going into something. There you go. There you go. And we can do the same thing with our partners too, right? Yes, it is a skill that never stops giving. I hear some question. We're going to dissect this question. This person did ask for advice. They've got the stamp that we're ready to go. He set the state cool. Said, what's the difference between being too picky and not settling? I don't think I'm picky, but that's not what other people think.
00:05:02 - 00:10:03
Okay, we've heard this question before and I used to think, too. Am I being too picky or am I just my standards high that I don't want to let go of my standards for someone and settle? Settle. Settle has such a negative connotation, but settling is a good thing. You are getting comfortable. You're settling down with someone. That's like, that should be a good thing, not like, oh my gosh, I've let go of all my standards to be with someone. But I think being too picky means you have a checklist. And you're going down that checklist and all you're doing is looking for people who are not meeting your checklist. Nobody is meeting your checklist. You're going down the list going, nope. She didn't have that. Nope, he didn't have that. All you're seeing are people's faults and shortcomings instead of what they can bring to your life. The IRD is that there's almost a settling paradox that we don't want to settle for the areas on the checklist. We couldn't imagine being with someone that's not 6 feet above, you know? But then we settle for being treated like other shapes. And this is baffling to me because I'm not speaking down because I've been there before. We've all been there before. Oh, we have this checklist of what we think a partner should have. What we deserve. What makes us feel validated? I think a lot of the stuff on dating apps and we've talked to dating app experts before I remember combo we had with Logan Yuri, who's director of behavioral science at hinge, she was saying the apps, like the presets on the apps, make you focus on things that don't matter. And I think this has been a long before the apps even. You know, there's always been this feeling of like, for women, right? This is going like way back traditionally that we need a man who can provide for us. So we need someone that has a high pedigree and has a really great career. And then for men, it's like, you need this woman that has the right hip to waist ratio that can reproduce or you need someone that hits substandard beauty that's not even realistic for the standard person. I think we have it, even though the old way of thinking, like that stuff clouds like the qualities that we think matter to us and it causes us to be picky because we're focusing on these qualities that ultimately do not matter. I think I've actually wanted to talk to you about this UA I've been thinking about this a lot of what qualities actually matter. How can you take a list and distill it to the very bare bones of what should matter because before I get into that, I absolutely think you should be picky. I think you shouldn't not settle, but not in the ways that people tend to use those words. We had a guest, this is a throwback to an episode with AB Spencer, finding your half orange, and I remember her saying, you are picky about your shoes, your picky about what flavor ice cream you watch. Like why wouldn't you be picky about the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with? You should not settle for someone that you're not excited about. But I don't think that means that you need to be focusing on these superficial qualities. It's set a league for someone that makes you feel bad. You should be figuring out what matters that a partnership is not settling for someone that doesn't make you feel amazing. I have an issue with the word picky because it makes it feel like you have the pick of the litter. You can pick whoever you want. I think we can be choosy because we're choosing, but we're not like actively picking you're not fucking Brad Pitt. Like nobody is in dating being like, I can get whoever I want. That's what my problem is when people say, I'm so picky. I'm so picky. No, you can't. You are not picky. You're just, you are choosing if your friends are saying you are a little bit picky. I think it's a good indicator of looking back and saying, maybe I am a little bit narrow minded, or maybe I need to open up my parameters a little bit more. It doesn't mean letting go of your standards. Right. It just means letting go of the things that don't fucking matter. Well, I think picky makes it feel like you're above it all. And then there's something wrong with them. And I think the standards is important, but you need to have the right standards. It can't be that these superficial standards that actually don't matter in a long-term partnership. Look, we're all going to get old. We're all going to be ugly by the time we get old. You need someone that has the core of what you're looking for to sustain a long partnership with. So I have taken a first run at distill by thoughts. And I'd love to see if you think there's Eddie that should be added. And again, the goal of this is to be as bare bones as possible because I think it's important to be intentional about what you're looking for, but I think when we say intentional about what you're looking for, people often relate that to a checklist, which is not what we're saying.
00:10:03 - 00:15:05
I think it's important to stay open of who this person is, how they're going to show up in the package that they're in, but what is it about them to the core? I think that's really important to be intentional about because that's when you can recognize if someone wonderful comes into your life. Okay, so here are the 7 things that I've started to still. Oh, 7. Okay. 7. I've got it to 7. So maybe there's more. We'll see how many you can add to this or if you think we're good. So number one is consistency on how they're showing up. I honestly think nothing else matters if this isn't here. They could be the freaking most successful person in the world, hot as fuck. It doesn't matter if they're not consistent about how they're showing up for you. So I feel like if number one isn't there, there's no need to even go further. Pending your looking for an equal partnership committed long-term partnership. Okay. Number two is what side they bring out of you. I feel like this, like we all have sides to us, I've definitely seen people bring out good sides of me and then people evoke anxiety. And again, not putting blame on them that that's coming out, but you have to recognize that side of you or I've had friends say I'm not actually like this high drama, but this person brings it out on me. And I think it's thinking about like, is this the person I want to be with this person? Do they bring out the sides of me that I love about myself and celebrate? I think that is so important. Yes. Okay. Number three, I think the sexual chemistry is there. I don't think you can't settle for not having this. I think that will just build years and years of resentment. I don't think this person needs to be a super bottle. I think you also need to remember your own faults, physically, and not hold this person to different standards than you are even. I think you need to be realistic. This person is not going to be perfect, but I do think there needs to be physical chemistry. Absolutely. And that's beyond superficial. It's an energy. Yeah, and I'd be that is what's a difference between a friend and a romantic partner, right? Yeah. Well, for some people. Well, for some people, you're right. I don't want to say that for everyone. Friends with benefits. Or asexual partners. It's not everyone, but the majority will say it's the same. Okay, number four is they pass the Sunday test. And this is doing absolutely nothing on the couch doing errands, whatever, unglamorous activities, but you have a freaking ball with them. That, I think, is super important, 'cause if you're gonna be with this person for the long haul, then they need to check that box. Okay, number 5 is they are growth oriented and accountable. When shit hits the fan because it will, you need to know that they're going to take ownership for their side of things and they want to do better. Because without that, you just have people that are passing the blame game, not taking accountability. We've heard this before a unique conflict resolution of relationships. Yep, okay? Number 6 is your aligned on what you're looking for. It doesn't need to be today, but you should have a similar vision of where you want to be. I think changing someone's vision and mode. If you really want children or that person is a hard dough, then that's going to cause a lot of problems of the long run. If you're more on the middle ground, that could be doable, right? It's just like if there's pure facts of things that you have very different views on of how you want to live your life, I think that's really important too, assess. Number 7, the last one is they can't imagine life without you. Like you want someone that's going to be here for the log haul. You don't want to be proving yourself to this person all the time. Yes, you don't need to be like their entire world where that's saying that the buck should stop with you. But you should be a priority for this person and they should be for you. And gaslight in early dating sometimes will justify that. They don't know me enough or maybe with time it will be, but I think even from early data you could tell how much of a priority you're starting to be. Maybe it's not that they drop everything for you, but they're still trying to make it that they see you on a consistent schedule. I love this because it goes beyond the superficial. This is not a checklist. It's more of a gut check. That's what I'm calling this. Yes. After you get home from a date, a lot of times, we go on these dates and we kind of feel like it was fine. It was fine. I'll see this person again, but what if you went through this gut checklist of like, how did this person make me feel? And then you can kind of assess if you want to keep seeing this person or not. So from Julie's list, I kind of distilled it down even more to how does this make me feel? So number one, the consistency, I think I want to feel stable. I want to feel less stability. What side of me do they bring out? I want to feel that they bring out the best side of me. So after a date, you can ask yourself, did this person bring out the best side of me? I want to feel desired.
00:15:05 - 00:20:01
I want to feel sexy. I want to feel beautiful around this person. I also wanted the Sunday test is like all about authenticity. I want to feel authentic. I want to feel like myself. What was number 5? I'm trying to grow mindset. I want to feel challenged and not challenged in a dramatic way, but challenge to be a better version of myself. Number 6, I want to feel alignment and that alignment doesn't mean that we both, like you said, we both want kids, or we both want marriage. I'm a lying in the fact that we are both open to these things, where both open to making decisions together. And then number 7, you know, they can't live without you. They can't imagine a world without you. That feeling of being needed. Think ultimately, every human being wants to feel needed in a relationship. So how does that come off, you know, when you're kind of assessing the people you're with, do I feel like I'm needed by this person? So I love this because you can, this is like so much more intuitive and it goes through. It goes through the heart and it's not, you know, it's like you can be picky about these things because that is what makes a healthy, happy, healthy, a healthy, happy and healthy. New word, new charm and healthy relationship. You heard it here first to help the relationship. You're welcome. Thanks, COVID. For giving me new words. I love this. This is why we're such a great team. Just distilled it right there. We did it. We did it. But you can make your own list, you know? I think these are the fundamentals, but maybe there's other things that you want to add. But I think this is good because there's not so many things on here. And it lets us, I'm not going to use the word picky because I don't like it either. So I think selective is a good word. Because, okay, if you want someone that's going to show up for you, if your texting someone and they're not making plans or they're only hitting you up at the last minute, like those are the filters that you need to be selective on, not if they're an Ivy League school or lives in the certain area of town. All that stuff doesn't matter. It's like, how can you be selective on the things that do matter ultimately? Yeah. And if you hear that you're too picky, that is a red flag to raise. And if you're in a place to accept this, listen to this now, if someone thinks you're too picky, maybe you need to re look at what your value and what your prioritizing in relationships. And knowing that your standards are still high, you should hold up your standards, but revisit your standards. What are those? You know, some of my friends are too picky quote unquote. And I asked like, why do you think you're so picky and they always say, oh, because I can't find someone who has an Ivy League education or the last person I dated, was married before. And I'm like, these are not things that will make you happy in a relationship. Like these are not values that make a good partner, you're just purely choosing based on what you think you know, and these are superficial values. Yeah, I was going to say, do you think you have a idea of why they're keep fixating oddities? Is it just because they think that's what matters in a partnership or is it coming from their own achievement mentality or what do you think? I can only speak to one person and I feel like I know this person. Sample size of one guys. Sample size of one. But because I feel like he has a strong mentality when it comes to being too picky. This is what I think it is. He feels that his partner is a direct reflection of himself. So if she is anything less of what he's accomplished, he feels like that's a lesser reflection of him. Interesting. So he feels like well, because I'm Ivy League educated. My partner also needs to be Ivy League educated. Because I'm so financially stable, she also needs to be this way. But what he doesn't see is the qualities that he's lacking, he's not looking for those qualities in a relationship, for example, he's not a caring thoughtful person. Right. He'd probably do really well with someone that was super caring thoughtful. He stayed in many women who are caring and thoughtful, but they miss the mark when it comes to education or family background. So I think that's also a good indicator. It's like, are you looking for a partner to be a direct reflection of you? And are you looking for partner to validate who you are and your accomplishments? Or are you looking for a partner for a healthy relationship, a sustainable relationship? That's so fascinating, because I think it goes to our achievement addiction at the society, is that we feel like we need to be the best at everything. And I think you're right. It's like we've measured ourselves for all these years by sorted attributes. And now we're trying to measure our partners and I could totally see what your friend is feeling. I understand where he's coming from with that.
00:20:02 - 00:25:00
Not that I think it's right, but I understand it, but I feel like if we can start to look at relationships not as an achievement, but more of our friends, we don't look at our friends and maybe some people do, but a lot of us don't, like we're looking at them as people that we feel supported with and we feel ourselves around and all the stuff on the checklist, essentially, right? So if we can start looking at our romantic relationships in the same way as complimenting us and I think we really need to remember that we are not perfect ourselves. I think people tend to forget that a lot of times and I mean I've definitely guilty of that too is like you don't sometimes see your own shortcomings, but someone else might do things differently, but it doesn't mean it's wrong. It might actually be bringing a lot of value to you in ways that you never thought was possible. Who wants to date a carbon copy of themselves anyways? No, no, and also you want to be with a partner who you can learn from. That's where the respect comes from, right? You want to be with a partner who can teach you things and kind of make up for your shortcomings, not like the exact same as you with this exact same shortcomings. Oh my gosh. You get nowhere. I think it's also important to ask yourself, what is it that you want? Like I totally get valuing someone that's intelligent. And someone that you can have good conversations with. And I think that goes back to the Sunday test one, right? You're going to be talking to this person for a long time in life. If you're doing life together, they should be someone you respect, they should be someone you find interesting. They should be someone that you can laugh with at all the things. Do they need to be a stand up comedian? Do they need to be IV league educated? No, that's not the only definition of smart or funny or whatever. You're just giving yourself such a niche audience if you're limiting to that. Yeah, intellect is very interesting because going back to this particular friend that I have. He's very educated about the stock market. So he wants to find a girl who's very intelligent in that manner. But he fails to see that some of the women that he's dated are very street smart or they're very smart about our emotions. Other subjects and that don't have anything to do with the stock market and they're willing to learn from him if he's just willing to learn from them than the opio perfect match, but he fails to see that. It's like the one check box that he just can't let go of, oh, they have to be intelligent about the stock market. Well, then, like, fucking date your financial adviser or something, you know? Get your coworker. Yeah. Like you're with people all day that are in tune with that. Do you really need that for your partner? I think that's another thing to ask to. And we've looked at like thinking about data profiles that we reviewed. I remember looking at one guys and he just had all these super active shots, which again, of course, if you're into activity by all means show that off, but they were like borderline activity. And I asked him, I was like, how important is it that your partner does the stuff with you? It also, how often are you even doing this? Did you climb about it once? Or is this something you do every weekend, right? So I think sometimes people want to show their best side of this resume, but it's not actually even who they are. And I remember him saying it's really actually not important to me and it's something I like doing, but I don't do it that often. So it's also taking inventory on the stuff that you're like putting out there as a high bar that you need to cross and really see it like is this something that you need and maybe for him someone that's active is still importing because he still wants to do walks and hikes with them, but they don't need to be like climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. Right, right. Yeah, I think that is the problem, right? Like maybe people want to date the best version of themselves. Yeah. Is this even me? Right. And that's where the unrelenting standards come from. It's like, oh, this is the perfect version of me, and I need to have this, but when you're not even that. Where are you expecting that? I feel like that's what it is though. I feel like we're all expecting this perfection and we fail to see that we're not that perfection. Yeah, you're always going to find something wrong with people. Because people are imperfect. And there's just, that's what makes people beautiful, is that they have shortcomings, and there are things missing, but if that's what's stopping you from getting into relationships with people, then you're never going to be in a relationship. Because nobody's ever going to be perfect enough for you. So I think what we've learned here is don't compromise on the things that matter. Make sure you're not settling for bad behavior at the end of the day. That's the ultimate words for settling in my opinion. And you know, make sure that you're also looking at yourself realistically, and that holding people to standards that you can't even beat. I did find a quote, a very inspirational quote. It would laugh on who it's from. It was odd TikTok this morning.
00:25:00 - 00:28:46
So clearly coming from a very reliable source, but it did make me like tier up a little. It came from Heather Rae young on Selling Sunset. Oh my gosh. By the way, I can't wait to watch season season 5. Season 15, where am I? You're on date of well not since Holly sunset. But so yes, this is clearly a very inspirational quote that about to read. Okay. But I mean, I do think her and her husband are very cute together. So it said 5 the band who won't walk out the door without you. It's someone who holds your hand and won't let it go. And don't settle until you find someone who churches every bit of you. You deserve happiness and unconditional love every day. Don't forget that. And I think it's important because I think a lot of times too, when we are, quote unquote, picky. It's that maybe there's an underlying feeling that we don't actually deserve love. And it's easier for us to write people off because then we don't have to deal with rejection, fear of failure, all the stuff, and to actually dive into someone and give them a chance. So make sure that you're being picky about the right things and again, try to use the word picky, selective about the right things. Oh, talk to your therapist. This is a great topic. Talk to your therapist about. Awesome. Am I picky? Why am I being picky? Then you can really peel back the layers because yeah, Julie, you're spot on. I think there could be a lot of this, these layers from our previous traumas or childhood traumas, what our experience has been when it comes to our love lives that are affecting the way we're choosing our partners today. So until you have clarity in that department, how can you really have clarity in your current love situation? It's a lot easier to pick someone else apart than to pick yourself apart. Oh my gosh, that's what social media is for. All right, that wraps up this episode of brunch talk. We'll be back next week for another steamy question that you all have. In the meantime, you can always email us or DM us. You can email us as hello at dateable podcast dot com or DM us at dateable podcasts on IG with all of your questions. We love them. So keep them coming. Happy brunch and the dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media, slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. Introducing Under Armour's infinity high sports bra, it's ergonomic design is molded to support the natural movement of your body. With cord out padding, the better breathability eliminates extra bulk without sacrificing support. And quick dry padding is Under Armour's fastest drying padding yet. When you're lifting heavy, running fast and pushing yourself further than ever before, you need a bra that will help you go that extra mile and make you feel your best. Shop the infinity high sports bra now at UA dot com.