So you meet someone new, and the texting is spicing up...should you or shouldn't you send that sexy pic? And what happens when you get a sexy pic that doesn't turn out to be so sexy? We're chatting this week on brunch talk about how to approach this topic in a way that will turn someone on...not off. We discuss why sexy pics may be more make or break than you may think, how to think about the timing of sending the pic, and the nuances / differing factors that go into how it'll be received.
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#brunchtalk: When should you send sexy pics?
00:00:00 - 00:05:03
This episode is brought to you by the one love foundation. Many stories on true crime podcasts start with abusive relationships. The numbers of people affected by relationship abuse are startling. Over one in three women, nearly one in three men and over one in two trans non binary people will be in an abusive relationship in their lifetimes. Abusive relationships rarely start with physical abuse. Instead, there are often red flags like manipulation, isolation, belittling, and volatility. Not all unhealthy relationships become abusive, but all abusive relationships start out as unhealthy ones. One love foundation, a national nonprofit dedicated to ending relationship abuse and creating a world of healthier relationships wants to empower you to see the signs of an unhealthy relationship before things go too far. Go to join one love dot org to see the signs, and know how to help a friend who may be in an unhealthy relationship. That's join one love dot org and learn how to spot the signs of unhealthy and healthy relationship behaviors. The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host U issue, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Hi Friends, welcome to French talk by the day Bill podcast. This is our chance to answer your burning dating questions and we can get a little deeper in each question because we know you have all of those questions coming in and we want to give you a little bit more time and attention. Yes we do because the burning dating questions never end and you wait, I had the pleasure of seeing each other this week in person, which was always fun and we were a waste of our other girlfriends and I feel like they gave us inspiration probably for another year for brunch talk questions in themselves or so many good questions and so many different topics that we went into that you know it always makes it more fun in real life when you're really dishing this out. So for anyone that's at home doing brunch definitely love that you're doing brush with us virtually but also go out with your girlfriends, go out with your guy Friends. There should be a brose brunch, there's not like raw with that. Whoever you're with, you should find someone to go out and dish in person. And you know, share this episode with that while you're at it. Just clarifying, we were with girlfriends and a new boyfriend, a new guy. That's true. That is true. It was so much fun. He's a gay friend. Other girlfriend and the night started out pretty tame. We're just like having normal conversation. And then we end up at this, I don't know. A chicken place. A Vietnamese chicken place that one of our girlfriends was obsessed with. And the guy that owns this chicken place is this very charismatic, older Asian man. Older, Asian man, okay? That's like I want to emphasize that word. And I don't know what was in the chicken, but the made the whole group a little horny, I think, and they were both so into the zaddy as they were calling him. Every time you come over and bring in a new our food or silverware, these two can not stop gawking at this poor man who was just trying to close up his restaurant and go home to his family, but no, he's got all these eyeballs on him, like they're drooling over him and the chicken. They couldn't stop talking about him. I've just never seen someone really gawk at someone like this before. I unfortunately had left by this point, so I missed the gawking and I love that you're like something of the chicken or maybe since we were out at 4 o'clock and this was probably around like 9 o'clock that could have also done it just a thought. I love that we were out at four and most of us were home by ten. That's how you party in your 40s. You know the next day and the group text or what's like we should do this more often and I'm all for it. I'm all for the early start early to bed. It's great. It's great. It was me too. There were a lot of people on the same page as us. Yeah, there were a lot of 40 year olds out. Julie, something for you to look forward to. When you reach this decade, I did go to a music festival. It was a free festival hardly strictly bluegrass. And I'm not a big bluegrass fan, but everyone there, the average age I would probably say was like, I don't know, I want to say like 70. And I thought you were going to say 40. I shouldn't say the average. There were a lot of older people there, and there was this tweet that kind of started spiral. That was like, this is the only music festival that you could go to and feel young at. And I'm like, damn right. Because I'm normally in the old person's tent at these, you know.
00:05:03 - 00:10:06
I was wondering who goes to Harley strictly bluegrass. It just sounds kind of more mature, right? I mean, there was this couple that were like hardcore grinding. They were definitely in their 70s. And I was like, you go, you grind, you grind. I want to grind for the rest of my life. Air hump, whatever. I want to do all the things that I used to do in my 20s. Well into my 70s. So good for them, major goals. But we will bring this conversation back to the question for the bag, right? Yes. Speaking of grinding, I think I'm grinding. Project was a good segue. The question is when is it appropriate to send a sexy photos? Yes. And more context, I've been dating the sky for a month and received a text with a sexy photo in it. The only problem was I didn't find it very sexy. Is this enough to end the relationship? There's something very violating about getting a picture that you did not ask for. So even if the photo was sexy, I think I would have still been taken aback. I really question really question things, but I think the better question to ask is have you communicated to this person that you were a little taken aback by receiving this photo and asked for their intentions. I think it's good to have an open conversation. It could be get really tricky if someone sends you a photo and then you break up with them and not explain or talk about it. That would just break my ego. I would go home and cry. And maybe delete all the photos on my phone. Can you imagine if you're like, oh, I'm looking good today. I'm going to send this to the person updating. They're going to love it. And then they call you back and ask to have the conversation. That's not a good feeling. So I would say still give them a chance to kind of talk through their thought process. You're still learning about each other, and I bet you anything. Some people send sexy photos because they're used to doing that with an X maybe you asked for it and they're kind of projecting onto you and this current relationship. So it's just good to get these things out of the way and openly talk about them. The problem with sexy photos is they can't be sexy or they could be really cringe. And sometimes we're not always the best gauge of ourselves and what we're putting out there. I've definitely seen some along the years that the person was really trying. They were really trying to be sexy. And I'm sure I've also said things that are like this seems like it's sexy to me, but questionable, you know? I don't want to gender, but I think men and women maybe have different thresholds for what the sexy photo is too. Yeah. I would say like, is it grounds to end a relationship? It's hard. It's like, if you have that ick factor and you've really got into a place that you're not attracted, it can be hard to come back from it, but I would say can you weigh everything. Like, is this enough of a one time thing to send you over the edge with it? And if it is, like, I think nothing is worse than trying to force it. Like if you're really feeling like you are not attracted anymore, it is a hard conversation to say, like, hey, your photo was so unattractive that I'm unattracted to you now. I don't really know how you say that in a nice way. So I think there is a communication elevated to it, but how much you communicate. I'm not a 100% sure. I think it could be like, I'm not ready necessarily. I think the timing of the photo is an easier conversation to have, right? It's like, hey, we're not there yet, or this is a lot for me. That's an easier conversation than saying, hey, your photo you sent me that you thought was really freaking sexy was repulsive and gave me The X Factor. That's a hard cop out of half. Well, circling those back to the top line question of when is it appropriate to send a sexy photo? And I think it goes back to, again, unique consent first. You really need consent and on the receiving end, you need to communicate that consent is needed. I've received two dick pics in my lifetime. One was on Instagram by a stranger, and the second time was through a dateable listener through our email. That was a fascinating. It's gonna say you forgot one, but that was the second one. That was it. Two people I did not know. And it was very shocking to get these photos because I did not invite them in and sure, if I knew them or maybe was dating them, I could have thought these were hot, sexy photos, but I certainly did not ask for them, so they were already not sexy in my book. So asking for that consent, like there's something kind of cute and sexy about, hey, I'm gonna send you a photo. I've been thinking about you. You ready for this? And the other person could be like, no, I'm at work. I'm screen sharing right now. So do not send any photos where it's someone could be in bed, thinking about you and saying, yeah, send them over and I'll send some over.
00:10:06 - 00:15:05
We just need consent. You gotta just communicate no matter your sending or the receiving end, you got to communicate the consent. I am a 100% on board with that 'cause I think context is so important too. Yes. And you don't know where the other person is when they're receiving things. I think understanding the environment they're in is so important and that can just be a couple conversations starters leading up to it, right? I feel like you shouldn't just be like sending this hot without any icebreakers into it. Like this shouldn't be the first text message that's going through when you have no context of where this person is. Yes. And especially early in a relationship, like you just don't know them enough. I've gotten some photos that I haven't thought were unsexy. Like they definitely were like attractive. And I think it was because we were a part for another reason, or there was a lot building up to it, and there was reason for doing it. I admit, I'm not someone that loves sexy photos. That's not like my go to in any way whatsoever. So I'm sure there's people out there that are just like, this is a must for a relationship. I don't think I'm that person and I don't think you're that person. Either you a, as you've only got into in your life, and neither of them were from a part. But I think there happened a time and a place when you're doing long distance or you're apart for an extended period, that it can be a nice thing to get. But again, there is conversation leading into it. Yes. I personally think having like a conversation of, do you like getting these types of photos? Is really important too. And it doesn't need to be a long drawn out convo, but like if you're on early dates, you could just bring this up, you can even use this podcast as a starting off point. Like, hey, I was listening to this podcast talking about sexy photos. I was like, what's your take? Then you at least know like if they're like, oh yeah, that's so hot, then you're like, okay, game time, this could be something. Again, you know, set the context to lead in, but at least you know it's something that they're receptive to. But if they're just clam up and it's clear they're uncomfortable, then maybe that isn't a good move for you. It's risky. Yeah. It is maybe one of the riskiest things you could do in your life other than going into oncoming traffic because if you think about it, the times that I've seen sexy photos from my friend's exes, those exes did not. They were not sending photos for me, but I got to see them because you never know where your photos are going to end up, especially if your relationship ends. So if we're talking about sending photos, I think it's also important to communicate the risk factors involved and saying, I trust you to keep these safe in a password protected album or they disappear and I watch you delete them because listen, this shit could come back around and really haunt you later. When you're running for office or I don't know, you become famous and someone wants to blackmail you that happens to all the fucking celebrities. Even if you're not famous, like anything, right? Like they could totally cover out a bite you. I would never want that stuff like leaking in any way, but I think also if you are gonna do it, don't put your face in it. That's another hot take. That's a good tip, yes. Be anonymous with it. Yeah, and just don't show too much. Just, you know. Leave a little bit to the imagination. When I was in long distance, that's like the time I did this the most, for sure. Yeah. And I would say it's probably pretty PG in the scheme of people's sexy photos, but for me, this was like the most I ever did. And I think, you know, like something subtle, like I definitely had something that was I actually ended up reusing it as my bumble photo later on. I cropped it slightly. But it clearly wasn't like that bad is what I would try to say. It's like, you know, it was very minimal. It was like leaving a lot to the imagination. And if you simply cropped it, you wouldn't even see anything. So I think how can you do things in a tasteful way, knowing that it could circulate if you are going to put your face in it. And if you're looking to have a circulate, then you have another agenda, right? Some people are like, I want to see the shit up on the Internet. I want to be known for this. Then you do you. I think that's good for you. So think about your intentions when you're sending and receiving. I think it's my friend told me this story she just started dating this guy and now they're married, so it's different, but when they first started dating, she went on his phone because he was like, can you look for this photo of, I don't know, this car that he was trying to buy. And he couldn't get to his phone. So he's like, can you look through my photos? She came upon this photo album that had all these sexy photos of his ex and she was so pissed. She's like, why didn't you delete these? Why do you still have these on your phone? He and I do believe him 'cause I met him and I think he's a stand up guy.
00:15:05 - 00:20:12
He's like, I completely forgot Lisa were on my phone. They're just like so far down the list because she's scrolling through all the photos just try to find the car and also he's so trusting of her. Like if he knew these photos were on his phone, why would he tell her to just scroll through his phone, right? So I believed him, but even in a circumstance like that, when you're well intentioned, it could still be a misinterpreted and they had a huge blowout fight. They almost broke up over this understandably. But just know. These photos have consequences. I do want to go into some of the nuance, but before that, let's take a quick break. This episode is brought to you by the one love foundation. The numbers of people affected by relationship abuse are startling. Abusive relationships rarely start with physical abuse. Instead, they're often red flags, like manipulation, isolation, belittling, and volatility. Do you know the signs? 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Maybe let's start with how long you've been seeing this person. Because I think that really does make a difference. Personally, I think the first month that was kind of what the listener wrote in about, or also probably another factor have you been sexually active with this person or not? I think if you haven't really. Definitely don't said the sexy photo, 'cause I mean, I've definitely gotten them before from people on bubble and Tinder that I hadn't even met yet, and they're sending that shit through. That is, I don't know. I feel like there's not many people out there that really want that. Maybe at least as a hetero woman. I don't want to speak for everyone, but most hetero women don't want that. There might be like one out of a hundred that do, but if you are a hetero guy try to date at her all women and you're trying to date someone that wants a long term relationship. No, it's a gamble. And probably not going to go into your favor. So there's that. If you're looking for just a hook up, at least you're sending your attention, so people could decide from there what they want. I'm curious what you think about this, but I almost feel like even hetero women that sent a real sexy shot at the beginning before they met up to a man hetero man would be kind of put in this category of hookup only. Like you said, depends on the pretenses and what your sexual relationship has been. Do you trust each other? Because I can certainly tell you the times my guy Friends have shown me photos I did not ask for for the girls they were seeing were in the very beginning of dating and then saying, check out what this chick sent me.
00:20:12 - 00:25:00
It's so inappropriate and I don't condone that type of behavior, but that's what happens. These guys kind of use it as a way to show off. That's why I think the length of time is so important. And I think first of all, the month, you don't really know this person very well at this stage. So they don't really, and I hate the word like, oh, it to you, but I think people do view it like that. You're not someone that's like a deep part of their life at this point. And also even the listener that rode in, you're at like a very deciding phase. You're evaluating, is this person I want to spend more time with? Any little thing at this stage. It's a very fragile state. Can become unattractive and then it's hard to come back from it. So I would say if you can refrain at that beginning stage, plus you don't probably know their opinion on the matter as well. I think the beginning stage, like, I hate using hard fast rules, but probably like at least three months in, I would say, is the appropriate time if you are trying to have a relationship with this person, and you don't want this thing circulating around. While similar to our conversation about when to go public with your relationship. It's like there's no arbitrary date. It's about, did you get your partner's buy in for her? End of the day, all of this is a conversation with your partner to get their buy in. It should be very openly talked about. This is all bringing back so many memories. I remember I hooked up with the sky in Vegas ones. He had just gotten a divorce, and we had a great night. We hooked up. It was great. And as I was getting dressed, he tried to take a picture of me. This is when there were no camera phones. Oh my God. It was like camera. It was a legit camera. That's horrible. And he wasn't trying to hide it. He was just taking a photo of me as I was getting dressed and I was like, what the fuck are you doing? I just want to remember this night because it's been so special. Not of me half dressed. This is not how you treat a woman. But how fucking clueless was this guy trying to take a picture. And so I had to really educate him on how uncool that was and disrespectful. But again, it's a conversation. He kind of just assumed I'd be okay, but obviously I was not okay with it. And we just make so many assumptions when it comes to other people's likeness and their identity that we don't protect other people. We just need to be more cognizant of that. Yeah, and I think, you know, again, I hate gendering as a whole, but I do think women are more like we're not as visual of human beings to begin with. The anatomy and itself. There's a lot of reasons, but also, you know, you don't want to feel like that's the reason why someone's into you either. And I don't know, I personally feel like I've never felt compelled to send something like that to someone I'm just talking to you because it feels like that's what I'm leaving with now. When you're deciding what to do with it all, I think you have to ask yourself all these questions, like what am I trying to put out there? Because so often we put out differing from what we actually want. And then if we're going to talk about our gay and lesbian listeners out here, I feel like maybe not lesbians as much, but I feel like you can gay culture like sending photos as kind of the norm. That being said, like if you are a gay man and don't want to do that, like I don't feel like you need to feel pressured because that's so ingrained in the culture, but I do recognize there are differences in this conversation based on sexuality and gender. We love to hear what you all think too. Our listeners right in, want to hear your opinions. We've definitely heard them this anecdotes, but it will be really fascinating to just hear what your experiences have been. And so we're not just using our own experiences in the situation. But end of the day, and I will say this, out of the day, but the ultimate learning is, getting consent, getting buy in, earning that trust and having open conversations, you can't go wrong with those four things, no matter what it is you're doing. And to bring this full circle to answer the listed or question, is it enough to end it? I think it is, you know? It's like one of those things like it seems superficial, but if you're really turned off and you can't get past it, then you need to honor yourself and what that's gonna look like. If you can have conversations and try to move past it, then that's ideal, but if you really can't, then let that person find someone that's gonna appreciate their sexy photo. And then you could also find someone that either you find their photo sexy or has the kind of EQ to know not to send you the photo until you're ready for it. I mean, that's the thing about photos, right? You can't unsee them. No, you can't, and that's the thing it sounds stupid to end something because of a photo, but if it really just changes your perception, then it changed your perception. Once you get the ick factor, it's really hard to come back from that. Oh yeah.
00:25:01 - 00:27:12
Good luck. Good luck with that. Good luck with that. Good luck, indeed, and then as you are saying, if you have different opinions, if you've had relationships get off the ground or flourish because of sexy photos, and like we said, there's always a time and a place if the scene is set. So we'd like to hear that, so definitely feel free to write in, tell us about it. If you have any additional questions, re sexy photos. We love it. We love building off of past brunch talks into new brunch talks. So feel free to send those our way as well. You can reach us by emailing us at hello at dateable podcast dot com, or you can DM us on Instagram at dateable podcasts. We check all those messages, believe it or not. Okay, well, we'll see you next week. Bye. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those pose. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. Hear that. That's the sound of a patient whose health data is protected from a cyberattack. And that, that's the sound of a financial system that's digitally secured from bad actors. Right now, there's an invisible war being fought on a digital battlefield that impacts what we do every day. That's why it periton, we do that can't be done to help protect the vital systems we rely on because if we don't, the alternative is unimaginable. Periton.