S10E20: I date me first

Dateable Podcast
June 23, 2020
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June 23, 2020

S10E20: I date me first

What happens when you break up with your long-term, live-in boyfriend right before COVID-19? You use this time...and you use it wisely. Join us as we chat with Minji about how she used quarantine to learn how to be alone – correction, happy alone.

I date me first

What happens when you break up with your long-term, live-in boyfriend right before COVID-19? You use this time...and you use it wisely. Join us as we chat with Minji about how she used quarantine to learn how to be alone – correction, happy alone. We discuss the importance of taking breaks, doing the necessary self-work, and why self-love is so important to ultimately find the love you want.

Check out Minji @minjeezy and listen to her podcast, First of All

SOMETHING NEW! Check out our new Amazon Store with our curated dating essentials, including everything from books from our past guests to gadgets to sexy time gadgets (you know what we mean 😉). If you want to see the full list, visit the Dateable Amazon Store

Episode Transcript

Season 10 Episode 20: All by myself

00:00:00 - 00:05:02

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. Hey, everyone, welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating. What a fascinating week! It's been with a lot of states opening up like fully opening up. Apparently L. A. went from zero to sixty overnight like I have friends who work at gyms there and last week they were being told to stay home probably won't open for a while and overnight. They got the notice that they were going back to work. Wow, I, just I feel like San. Francisco's Kinda still slow moving compared to other place. Yes, I've also seen like people post on like instagram and stuff and like people are. Are Hanging out in people's homes. A lot like I've seen from a few people in New York and I just feel like still not there yet. At least you aren't there, but everyone. I don't want to speak for everyone, but it was really nice to see you this week. That was really fun Yes for anybody who follow us on Instagram Julian I finally had a reunion after like three months of not seeing each other, we stayed six bar. We wore a mask. We were outside at a park. Super careful I. There were a lot of people out, but it's still felt somewhat say oh yes. We weren't really near anyone outside of the people we were with. No I guess it just depends on your tolerance level, but. I. That would that was fine with me. I'll. It was super. Nice. Seeing you I feel like. It feels like it was like ago. It was like a couple of days ago I. Don't know why time is going. So. Fast and slow at the same time. Yeah, it's like a time work. This also has been really fascinating week because we have so many interesting discussions in our facebook group, one of them was this idea of race preference in your dating profile, and is that considered racism and the drastic difference between the gay APPs dating apps and the Hetero dating APPs. And how the profiles of these gay dating APPs are really in the negative. Negative of like I don't date this race right, but then when you look at the profiles of Hetero APPS, it's in the positive I. guess quote, Unquote Positive. It's only things race. Basically, they're saying the same thing in a way that it's presented in a different way, and it just still blows my mind that there's just such a huge difference between a between the two different kinds of APPS. Totally, it was so fun though. Though doing facebook happy hour this Thursday I, so it was a really good way to kind of get these conversations out in one of our members said it makes the group more fun, because now you know these people in your starting to build a virtual friendship with everyone I was thinking about it, too. It's like pre Kobe. Teen. I know there were so many opportunities just to meet new people right and there's something really. Really beautiful about meeting New People and that doesn't need to be in a dating contacts that could just be friends or whoever? There's something about it that when you're always with your friends, family and significant others, it's great, but you tend to talk about the same things a lot yet, and there's something about being with new people that really just like one flexes your social muscles that you like sometimes can get really complacent with. Meeting people enough, and then also it opens you up to just new ideas and I think that's been really fantastic with the facebook group because that's been avoid and I personally just really get a lot of energy out of meeting New People and I do think like I don't think everything these translate to dating, but if you are someone that is looking to date meeting New People, even in a platonic sense, really like helps one making more interesting and well rounded, and then to also just makes you a lot more comfortable to just approach and have conversations on dates to helps you try a little bit harder to with New People. You can't just be super calm. You gotta get to know them. Ask them questions. I just can't believe are happy. Hour started at five thirty and ended at like two am for some people. Yeah, some people that were on Easter time. We're like doing the after after party. So yeah, if you're looking for something fun to do on a Thursday, we're going to keep having him every Thursday. We'd great hosts will be rotating the host, so get on that facebook group I think it was also fun. Fun, just like hearing from other people in their DA experiences like I shared in the room I was in, and I've also shared this with you you a, but it's one of those things that I'm kind of just back now. Navigating dating in a covert nineteen era and I've been having like mixed feelings about it like I actually I.

00:05:02 - 00:10:03

Don't think I told you this yet. I actually ended up canceling the date that I was supposed to do on Friday night. You mean again i. told you a wing bed up. Literally my myself and the date. Just keep rescheduling on each other, and I think it's one of those things that we did a phone call. It went like relatively well. We talked a lot about like black lives. Matter was like in the midst of like everything happening, so I was like I can't really read it like as a date, but it was nice to see other people's perceptions of life, and what's. What's been going on, and that's really important for dating. And then he had asked to like move it to meet up in person, and I was a little hesitant, not because a him just because of everything happening I was like okay. What we do video date next, so we decided on that, and then I, just I don't know what it was like I. Don't know if it's video fatigue because unlike. All so much for work and stuff or that I'm not like fully ready to date right now. Still because like I ended something like in May, so it hasn't been that long. Were that not excited about this person? I just can't pinpoint what it actually is began needless to say. We both kind of kept playing like rescheduling. Roulette essentially and Yeah I. Just Friday came and I was like the last thing I want to do is get on the state well as I told you when I saw you is, it doesn't really matter what the reason is. You're still not excited to need up with him. Whether virtually or in person and my general rule of thumb is you always want to be in a situation where you set up the other? Other person for success, not for failure. If you're in a bad mood, you had a bad day. You're not excited, then. Don't go on the date because they're they're. They've already failed before. They even got on the date, so I think it's good that you've rescheduled and canceled. It's better because you didn't put him in a situation where he would definitely fail. Yet I didn't make him. Come all the way out here. But it did for an. Episode that we have this week, which is such a good one? It's a little longer than our normal like interview style, so definitely recommend though you make it through the end like we didn't want to edit it too much because it was just such good material, and you can always pause and come back so to walks instead of one think about it that way two for the price of one too, but I think there is a lot of interesting things we talked. Talked to mingy this week about just how like being alone after a break up? And how do you navigate like really loving yourself and dating yourself first before, just getting back out there and I think a lot of that. I started to think about with this situation to it's like I. talked about this in the episode, but the same excellent had the second time I had like this Earth Shattering break-up so I don't want it to be that way again like. I've bounced back completely different this time, but at the same time I also don't want to. Push it if I'm not super excited to be dating people again and you a. you had a really good point there. It's like if you're not excited. What's the point? Yeah, and we set up our guests a little bit more. This mingy she. She's a friend of Julie's from a while ago right? You've no her for a while, but her situation was something that I I've heard a lot of people be in a similar situation, which is, she had been in serious serial monogamous in relationships, and was in a long term relationship and broke up several months before quarantine hip obviously shoe, no corn Cova was about to happen and all of a sudden she had all this all this alone time, or like really really alone, and in this episode we talk about what it feels like to be truly single. Because sometimes you know like. If we're not in quarantine, you could say your technically single, but you're still going on dates. You're getting in and out of things, but in a dedicated time where you're just completely by yourself and being very single vulnerable. What does that feel like? What are the conversations? You've been having with yourself so this conversation. That's why it's a little bit longer. Because there's a lot of conversations, you should be happy with having Russell. But I wanNA rewind a little bit back because I have a surprise for you Julie I wonder if going to our facebook happy hour. Because it's all goes hand in hand in one of the rooms. We played, would you? What would you rather wait? Would you rather? Let's, let's say the really long route. What would you rather do? Would you rather, and there were a couple of scenarios that were presented. That I thought okay. I'M GONNA ask Julie Because. You were in that room. I want to ask you thought of three different. Than what we post in the room, this is the shit that we we talked about. Like during our happy hour, which was so interesting so three scenarios. First one is, would you rather date someone who only had friends of the opposite sex or had no friends at all? I'd rather a date someone with friends of the opposite sex.

00:10:03 - 00:15:02

No friends at all is red flag to me like there's just like a relationship. The can't hold down any sort of relationship. Okay okay I think I would say the same thing you need someone who has human connection, and if they have no friends, it probably means they probably can't even hold on a relationship. Let me actually clarify. Do they not have friends because they like recently moved to a city and they don't. They don't have friends at all, because I think that's different, right? For purposes of this question, they just have no friends at all by love it. You're like diving deep. About your time line wing. You lost your you know. What with would you rather you always have to justify your answer and I would justify my answer if that person just. Hadn't fully acclimated somewhere new Okay, all right art giving people, but doubt here's your second scenario. Would you rather date someone who slept with your best friend, or who hates your best? Friend hates your best friend. Why. I don't think I unseat it like I guess. Why were you seeing you know what I? Meet a couple. You always think of like them having sex, don't you? Like I always like. People need to watch me on video. Right out. On where we can, you just rewind repeat that think of it vividly not like imagining them like naked, but I just think Oh, these two people upset right like it's just something that I think. Is there a couple I? Don't know it's just something. I always just make that association. So if it was my best friend in this person, I would just be like Oh. My God they had sex I would just always think about it. Yeah. I can I can kind of see that see. The thing is if they hate my best friend, how can we all hang out the appoint? Point, how can this relationship be sustainable? Okay, that's a good point and I guess the question is. Did they hook up a long long time ago? Here we go at the time like we tell me more. I'm trying to find. Her were ten years ago. Long before me. You know that's why if it wasn't I'm going back to my original question. Because yeah, you're right. If they hated them, I still wouldn't be able to like. Hang out with them, but. I would hate both of them if they like hooked up while we were dating, so it's almost irrelevant. I'd rather like. Try to bring them together. Just not even have that option. See I'm also thinking like this has never happened to me, but in an ideal world I'm thinking if they slept together and are still amicable than that must be really good like they don't hate each car. I love how us on that right now. I love it. I love it. Okay, third and final scenario. We've talked about this before, but I just want to have it on record. Would you rather have a series of short passionate relationships lasting a year or two or one term stable, but rather boring and complacent really? Oh, you know. Tough so I think a past south of mine would definitely upset the former of just like a bunch of passionate relationships. The future of wanting that is like a more stable lifelong partner is kind of leaning to that. I would like to do this in this game. Boring is it you know? Is it like? I guess okay if we're GONNA play the extreme of this game in. It's super boring and I literally rather be by myself than with this person. I would go for the string of short term relationships. It's just somewhat boring, not like super boring. You don't WanNa like Gouge your eyes out. Somewhat boring is still not a good situation. I, you know I'm someone to that. I've always enjoyed being in relationships when I am, but I'm also perfectly content being single so therefore I'm not like the type of person that will find a boyfriend or significant other just to have a boyfriend so I think I'm GonNa go with the original. I'm going like full circle hair to go back, but the short string short passion do relationships see my brain just goes to a long boring stable relationship, and then get them to listen to dateable. Are You can't change people. But dateable. Can I love it? Go in that room. Listen to me on headphones, and then we won't talk and I'll just do my thing anyway. I would just have a playlist for him. He's into episode. Hilarious, yeah I mean the other thing too I got. This binge this weekend of love life. What did you do this weekend? I watched love life dodd stuff. Oh, my Gosh! I'm so sleep deprived at this point. This is why I asked for this call to be earlier today.

00:15:02 - 00:20:05

'cause I'm hoping to put a bed by like. Have you had a wild weekend of love life onto so wild? This all start. This is Friday right. You message really like to thirty am. But I think reason why. Brigham is one I think everyone should watch because it was a really well done show on Hbo Man Kendra Yup. Yes Anna Kendrick. It's called. Love Life Hbo Max of Seven Days, free. That's. All in one night if you're really trying to optimize your spending here. But I think the reason why bring it up. Is it actually very much? Reminded me of our episode that we have today because it's like she basically just high levels want to give too much away. It chronicles heard through different life stages, and it really starts off like every episode is around like a guy in her life, and then or a person well at the beginning the guy. Trying to go, is that eventually? It becomes more about herself and her friends and mom and other relationships, and that's when you see like a noticeable shift in just like how she carries on her romantic relationships when she's comfortable with herself and happy with herself, and has built a life for herself, and isn't necessarily relying on someone else in at the beginning like it shows again, not gonNA. Give way too much, but like some bad relationships just because she's not at at one with her. So yeah. It reminded me of this episode and I've personally loves like thinking about my own like who'd be casted in different episodes like I. Don't know I think everyone kind of like thinks about their own life through that leads so I got to say. Thank you for turning me onto that because I've been watching three or four very similar shows, they're kind of the same demographic. Seem storylines seem structure, but what really drew me to the show and actually watch it from episode. One to ten in one night is because it didn't have the. I don't even know how to describe this in sex in the city. You always wanted her to end up with a guy. You get excited when a guy comes into her life, everybody gets excited and it's about the guy, but throughout this show she even narrates that the narrator, not her, but the narrator even says it's not about the guy and she they were throughout the name of the guy and say it's actually about him. It's about how she is. Is evolving grew these people in her life, so even though she comes in and out of relationships. You're not like excited when the guy comes in or when excited. When he kicked out, it's your more excited to see her growth and how she changes throughout the years. It's extremely relatable and profound. Totally and I think I had a little different opinion on this, but I actually think that it was really nice that it was a really diverse cast, yes. The leading lady was White, and that's where you and I differ a little. We think about most TV shows. It's like all white people. All black people like what there's like one show of Asian people like you know. It's like not really very diverse at all and I've noticed this on like a couple, other shows like four weddings and a funeral that show on young also been doing this that they've just had much more diverse like front groups like more love interest like I. Don't know I think it's a it's a stockport I think. Think. That TV shows really to do this type of stuff. Hey, I'm all for diversity I. Just don't love affirmative action when it comes to casting as they seem like they're typecast, and they are like the token right, and so the other show I've been watching in conjunction with love. Life is called the bowl type blue. It also features a lesbian black female character, and it's like okay. Is that the only diversity they can bring onto? Maybe that's like the formula now it. It doesn't matter you're right. There is progress being made what I like though is that the characters didn't follow like stereotypes like yes, they found like a black lesbian. They're trying to like capture a bunch of diversity in one character by only out. It wasn't like they played into like the tropes that we've heard about from our pass gas so I think that piece is a huge step for that. They're giving people individualistic ways of just being a character, not just fitting A. A stereotype, but if you do get a chance, definitely, check out the show. Let us know what you think Oh love to discuss a show with more people, and it's really related to our episode today it's about the evolution of dating yourself, and what are the learnings that you can come out of this quarantine and get back out into the world? What can you really apply so here? My predictions for how single people will come out of quarantine. Yeah, let's do it, okay. I think a lot of single people will be extremely. Maybe no, I want to make this statement. A lot of single people will be much more experimental in their dating. That could be sexually. That could also be well within reason that could also be how they meet people how they interact with people and how they carry conversations.

00:20:05 - 00:25:06

They have thrown. The old data view questions out the window and said I've decided that I can find a deeper and better connection through this set of questions, so the prediction is the world will be not as predictable when it comes sedating. sedating your dates won't be that predictable. More I love it and I hate the data view I think that has been one of the best revelations on this podcast, so the episode, if anyone vistas what went on a date with injure way back way back, I think it was like season, two or three and the data view is just one of those terms that stuck, and I agree with you I. Think People will also be more open with race, because the such in the moment right now and i. think people are really going to second guess their interactions in. the the way they view it I know personally look through the APP set still had it as a preference, and I know a lot of observing getting rid of it as a preference in made sure that it was changed open to all so I think that people in general will start to be much more Open that way too I. Think my other prediction is that there are a lot of people that have done the self work I think there is a group that has and there's probably a group that hasn't, but I think the people that have done. Done the self work kind of similar to what you said, but like they're going to really break through the clutter like they're going to be able to identify those people that are looking for that quarantine buster, someone just have sex with really quick or the person that like is not really there for like a deep and meaningful relationship pending. That's what they wanted. Or maybe they'll come out in power to be like actually a relationship isn't what I'm looking for. Right now I think people are just going to be a lot more clarity and really sift through the. More love! It can't wait to see that happen. Let's do a couple of announcements. Just really quick. Thank you all for leaving. The ratings and reviews has seriously helped so much so if you could drop us a five star reading that would be exceptionally appreciative, and if you're so inclined to leave us a one or two liner review, it really really helps us continue to grow. Grow and bring this podcast to you and get you great guests so definitely want to call that out, and then just the other quick announcement on my side podcast we did with mindy on her. PODCAST is also alive. So you're hearing the one that we did with her on our podcast. You can hear us on her podcast, so there's so much love and podcast to. To go rounds of check that out at first of all podcast we talk about totally different topics by the way, so it's not a repeat conversation at all on her podcast and this past week we were onto other podcasts. Kind dating, and the other one was fifty one first dates still polar opposite conversations on all of those. It's so great to talk to other dating podcasters. podcasters because we have similar yet very different experiences as always find to hear different perspectives to so check out those podcasts, and if you love us if you love many of you, love fifty fifty one first AIDS. If you love kind of dating Tele Friend, you know this is a gift. You can give to them right now. That friend in need that friends can really. Use these conversations to help them get through something. Gift them with the gift of podcasts called dateable. And speaking of PODCAST, you know we're a part of the FROLIC network, and they're a ton of other wonderful podcasts on there as well. They're not just dating or relationship related, so here's one for you all to check out I'm Sarah Wendell from smart podcast. trashy books part of the FROLIC podcast network smart podcast is a weekly show that focuses on romance fiction than Nifty folks who read it and write it and always on what we're reading and recommending and WANNA. Tell you about. We could be an expensive podcast to listen to, but we promise great book recommendations and conversations every week you can find new episodes every Friday, and you can find smart podcast trashy books on your favorite podcast APP. All right now, let's get to our conversation with mingy. When we first started this podcast I have a confession I really thought that any topics or discussions around dating had to involve you dating and I never really thought about talking about dating when you're single or alone or lonely, it just felt like dating needed to involve other people in the story, but our guest today will prove us wrong, and actually I think. Think previous episodes have professed wrong. That dating is really about dating yourself as well. That's that's really most of that journey, so we got dingy here. She is currently living in Los. Angeles. She's been there for six years, but she is originally from the area. She's thirty four pretty single, and has been taking a dating sabbatical and also actively going on dates.

00:25:07 - 00:30:23

On and off. Actually. Virtually. So. What's interesting? Juice story is that she recently broke up with a long term boyfriend that she lived with for two years about six months ago. She's been learning how to be alone at independent again and navigating the single life in her thirties during a time of Cova nineteen. So many different layers, and then on top of it all. It's Cova nineteen quarantine. So she's been thinking about her identity future marriage, self, love, family, etcetera, and starting to explore dating again, but through a new Lens, and wanting to support the granting with all of the above, she is also the host of the podcast first of all, so hi Mindy! How are you I? Am doing as wonderful as a human being. In the United States. During quarantine can be doing so hanging there. We were just joking around. What was we were talking about the meam that you saw Julie? It was like twenty thirteen. All you had to do that flakes Shell and then twenty twenty. It's like you gotta survive. Pandemic be in like the demise of capitalism. This entire revolution that we're in now, so yeah, Chicago real in twenty twenty. That's for sure she got real. It puts everything in perspective all that Shit that we dealt with last year. O. Eilly was nothing that literally is nothing means nothing anymore and everything. We're dealing with this year. This is the real stuff. This is the stuff that will affect our future. An impact our lives forever, but this is also a time. Time that everyone's trying to deal with self-identity dealing with. What do I really want in life? What do I want in love? What is his journey Amman? If I'm truly in control of my life, what does that really mean in? Am I making the right decisions, so let's start with you claiming that you're like a serial monogamous even before your last boyfriend. What has been your relationship experience up until this last one? To be written and created into many shows Roku. Certainly been evaluating all of that in the last six months for sure but I in the nuts I think the best way to summarize it is the whole zero monogamist terminology that has been thrown around for quite some time, actually like in the grand things, not that long I feel like it's a pretty new like in our lifetimes at least. Are How many people my parents in our parents generation sermon arguments because everyone was a serial monogamous. And now no one is today's. Agreed so my friends and I have talked about my dating life Ad. Nauseam I'm very fortunate to have some lifelong girlfriends who've been there. You know since the beginning, but the joke is that you know that came out of the room. is boy crazy probably like shine from the doctor? Because I just I've in crushing on boys as far back as I can remember and like kind of the hopeless romantic like always wanting to find the prince charming Disney princess, the whole Shebang, but if I'm doing if I'm doing calculations correctly. If you broke up with a long term relationship this boyfriend six months ago, this is the longest you've been single for right. Technically so what I would say is I'm thirty four now? The the break-up before this boy friend, the last serious boyfriend, there was a couple years of being okay. I mean okay, actually I'll label. A single is like I didn't have a boyfriend. I didn't have a serious boyfriend. Twenty fourteen to the two thousand seventeen, so three years of like I dated casually, but did not have a monogamous like serious. You were my boyfriend introducing you to my friends and family situation for three years. Now is the longest, but they were a man in your rotation. Though there there were. A man fun. I'm exhausted, you buy. I've thought about that before and I'm like Oh, I was single in this period. Wait. There were people in that period. You know it's like. And, there's only been one time at least in my life that I was like dead single hectically, 'cause I was getting over heartbreak. So that's where it was, but I was not actively talking to anyone I think everyone when they're dating. They're either going into something or getting out of yeah. I really think it's everyone's on a path in or out. It's really rare to be completely single I think I've only been single completely single for like two or three months of. Of, my life to where I'm not talking to anybody exactly, if that is the case, then then it must mean that after years of being quote unquote single, and then you finally meet this man and you guys enter enter into a relationship in must be significant, because it is bouncing back from a couple years of not having a boyfriend and then having this breakup, so let's let's revisit the break-up if we can walk us through what happened and why it happened we're.

00:30:27 - 00:35:03

It's just yeah I. Mean it's been six months. I've had a lotta time to process it. Technically mutual I suppose there's just a lot of. This is no disrespect to my ex. I think he's a wonderful human being. It was just a a signifier of where we were at as two individuals. I think there was a lot of love and a lot of passion and friendship. There was a lot of codependency and they get the end of the day. It's easy to muddle all of those. and when you're still figuring out who you are as an individual, it's easy to kind of like. Put Your project your stuff on somebody else or like. Avoid dealing with your own stuff so as much as like. There are so many really wonderful things about that relationship in there is why stayed in it for two years you know me a lot of it has to do with my age. Where I was at in life in the number of serious relationships, I had gone through, and my my maturity slash on the other side of like my maybe lack of tolerance for certain things of like wanting to really figure some. Some things out and having some sort of concrete lands or That's for the future, and if it wasn't than sounds Shitty were we doing then, but like realistically as a woman I'm really just accepting in owning this like I'm on a different clock, man and I don't i. don't resent that anymore. I accepted. It is what it is, but I'm on a different clock. I made decisions about what I want in my life. That I was like I can't just be like WHOA. Let's figure out. Why feel like you think that like the reason why most people break up is eat there like someone cheats or something terrible. Terrible, but I think the majority of the time it actually is incompatible life stage, or they're at different places at different times so i. feel like your story is razzing. Need A and. I'm sure a lot of listeners out. There have been in similar situations that it's like I. Don't necessarily want it to end, but it's very clear that we're not on the same timeline at all now. Yeah, I agree you in our recent episode called relationships even want one our guest talk about that. Sometimes relationship just runs its course. You have to break up before it gets really ugly, and you just have to appreciate and be grateful. Grateful for your time together, and if two people are not on the same page for moving forward with that relationship, then it's no matter how much you love each other as Mark Manson said, love is just simply not enough. You go through this break up and you go through the healing process and all of a sudden cove it hits, and you find yourself being in quarantine alone. Walk us through how that's really impacted your whole healing process to start that off I say quarantine has been the biggest blessing in my life to be completely honest. We broke up in December right before Christmas. which is a great time to? Have your heart. Put in a blender and again it's there's no great way to break up whether it's because you know. Someone cheated which I've dealt with or because you realize that somebody love really really deeply is just not working out either way it sucks. It's like having a part of you. Especially at that point, you know two years living with someone having full integration of like two lives merged together as one on to untangle that emotionally physically moved out like it was really terrible. It was like a shitty time, so in that way I felt like going into quarantine was a waiter. Cocoon me a little bit and I. I was very grateful that I didn't have to see anybody because it really knocked me on my ass. You guys like I. There's something about the nature of this relationship, the timing of it in terms of where I am at life. The expectations that I had in the home that I had I had captured a with him. You know and we had been acting in accordance to that in playing house, you know and dealing with money and our careers. Our families had partially met and had Thanksgiving like there are. There's a lot to unpack and to let go of I. Don't say in acute way like I just felt like. Liberated by that break-up, and I had a lot of reconciling to do with self because the way that I reacted in that. Break Up, and I've been through multiple breakups. It kicked my ass. I think getting that space to just like completely disconnect from the world on purpose because I quote unquote had to I. Really Am grateful for it as Sucky as circumstances mentioned for sure so walk. Walk US through. Okay, so, what was your immediate? You mentioned the kind of had to like. Unravel your life together you does this I just love good time line.

00:35:03 - 00:40:02

I love to hear the you know verbatim of what's happening. So did you immediately move out urge? He moved out like what was kind of the logistics there. And at what point were you kind of on your own? Breakup don't happen to abruptly. Even though like the final conversation might be a thing, you know the nail. Burgum all breakups take hell along to like actually think in and be truly complete right that in that objective way like it's months for us to actually break up, but technically we broke up before Christmas and within two days of us, having the conversation because living situation with out of state he'd been living with me in L. A. Within Forty eight hours of this conversation, he was gone. Oh! Oh, wow, which was brutal, and it was ripe for Christmas, so the magnitude of that stark, he's here one minute in all of his stuff and everything that we shared is like sucked out completely absent out of my life. I was thinking about moving I was like I can't be here. Those devastated and I mean in terms of the issues that have been coming up. You know they had had some time to be brought up for several months prior to the the breakup, so there's always. A ramp I guess I. Don't know if it's on her. Own and offering. It's terrible and they're at each point. You know when you're reflecting back on it. You're like at what point could we have turned it around, or you know if we had made a different decision or if we had had that conversation? If you know the should've could've would've. there were multiple moments that we're reconciling the fact that we are on two different pages the way that we're dealing with these hardships, also revealing of like compatibility I was having massive anxiety and I don't blame them like after all is said and done like I went to so much hurt, and I definitely played like the resentful bidder ex culprit at different moments I've gone through that hole. But you know when you have the time to step back I'm like I get why he wasn't. He was trying to honestly do right by me and say not over commit to something that he wasn't ready for by Ninety So. He leaves within forty eight hours than he said the on this like roller coaster. Like at what point was it quarantine? was that like kind of when things started to come together, or were not come together, but acceptance of it or were you? Acceptance isn't the right word, but I guess just. Hear motions Rod I wouldn't go away. You guys think about this because what I've noticed in my own seen patterns right and there's even memes about this because the the meme is that right in the direct aftermath of a break-up, women experience the break-up like right that right away right away. The station is immediate like Arnold. It's inescapable is just right there. Right frontloaded. That's the way I front. Load all the despair but A kind of trickles down, you know who who knows how long that takes, but it Kinda tapers off their lot of guys again. This is so generalizes so sexist like a lot of heterosexual men enter a kind of a denial phase or gene, like I can't even deal with this so I'm not gonNA and whether that's conscious or not I don't know, but like go kick it with people or do whatever to distract themselves a. A when I when I was a dating coach, I only coached men, and most of them would come to me and say. Can you just tell me how to get more dates Can you tell me how to be more attractive to women? And when you go deeper, it's always an ex that triggered something in them to come to me. Where on the surface level? They think they need some sort of like really shallow. But when you dig deeper, it's always something. They did not address within X. so the pattern I was seeing was for women. As soon as they go through the break-up. Talk talk it out. Talk it out. Think it out. Talk it out. Think it out. Cried out. Talk it out. I will talk to my local Barista. Call up my mom at three. Am You talked to it? But men and again I agree with you I don't want to generalize, but this is what I saw in the patter with one hundred percent of the men that I coach that they would go through immediately, not even denial. It's distraction because you know what their friends would do they go. Let's go to bars. Let's hit the club. Let's get you out of your house. Let's get you meeting girls. They meet girls, and that first month is bliss their like I. Don't Miss. Miss my accent all I. This is awesome. A meeting new chicks I'm like hanging out all the time and hang out with my boys. It's after that first or second month something it's either like a smell that reminds them of their acts yet or a social media posts, a trigger something happens, and they fricken blow up like when Shit goes down when they're like Holy Shit. I haven't processed any of my despair I. Don't know what I'm feeling right now. And why do I feel so loss and that's when they like literally.

00:40:03 - 00:45:00

And they don't know who to turn to, but by then the women have already kind of gone through. Their healing process and it just like the guy a lot of times. We'll come back passively. It's either like on the OPPO. Social media posts for a quick tax is just thinking about you by then. The woman is basically kind of over it I. Call it the one month rule because no NIHIL. They always come back in a month. A month is somewhat and so on the dawn like it's no fail every single time in agree with you. It's so hard because I mean I've had like an earth shattering break that I literally could not get out of bed when it happened like I, remember just feeling so down on it, and then you start to feel better. You've talked to a Zillion of your girlfriends and like. Please stop talking about this. Even listed therapy. You know it's like you've gone through all this. You're starting to mend, and then like soon as you're starting to bend, it's like they know, and they just come right back like it's no fail every time psychologically what I learned was through a relationship. A woman is driven by her own internal voice, and that voice is really strong voice, and guides them through all the pressures, and all the time questions, and all of that like it's our internal voice. What drives us through relationships for men? It's multiple voices. They're like dealing with multiple voices whether it's their friends society whatever it may be, they don't actually have one strong voice and drives them so after a break-up a woman. Woman. Strong voice is a one that's guiding them through the break up, and they feel like they can rely on this person because this internal voice has been there for this whole time for the guy, all the voices kind of disappear, and they don't find their voice, and that's why there's all the confusion on. What should I be feeling? Why am I feeling this way? Then this is why like eventually when they do find their voice. It's like months and months down. The wires were just not on the same timeline I'm not generalizing. This is pure psychology and I'm personally fascinated by that I. find a Lotta like the right now. Poetically theoretically I think that's very beautiful, because that's what. That's why we have mute movies music. Is because of this eternal Porsche. All right bad dance I don't even know it's a call it. Whatever it is so Vinci. A month in does your ex come back and where you at? Let's take a quick break because we have a really fun announcement Julian. I compiled a list of east central dating essentials during this time with products that we've personally picked out. We think would be perfect for anybody who's dating. We're about to get up. Get back out there. Who's just staying at home in dating as well? It ranges from everything from. From books books from our past guests to gadgets and too sexy time stuff twice and stuff you know what I mean. If you WANNA get the full list. Just go to Amazon dot com slash shop slash dateable podcast now back to the show so Benji okay, so a month in directs come comeback where you at all I mean it was less than a month. We I mean it was okay the next day. It's the holidays it was. In your years. There's a lot of reflecting its again the tough thing. We never had a shortage of love. There was no like absence of like desire. There is no absence of devotion. It was trying to accept this shitty truth that maybe I'm not the best person for you right now. It both assets like my add to deal with that. He had to deal with that, so we're both trying to do the right thing for ourselves. Slash each other, which is very noble, but we're both human beings, and it's just gonNa suck to like again. You're detoxing from summit. That sounds terrible, but like you are you totally? Totally arm. You're detoxing from them and so yeah, we. We had a rollercoaster rollercoaster up until quarantine. Actually you know I, I feel terrible because I'm the one that's like volunteering ours story in public, but you know up until quarantine. We're back and forth about letting. Can't we work this out? Because we did care about each other so much and had made stupid mistakes in hurt each other in the interim, but right up until quarantine like literally into March two three months after we're talking about. Should we meet up? Shall we try to work it out? And I was really painful. It was super super painful. Again you gone through all for me as I've gone through three solid months of like literally if I'm not sleeping, I am toiling over this spray gumming process every emotion I'm looking at every pro and con I'm talking to my counselors, and it's not just women like my brothers, one of my best friends and he's always been such a great male. You know mind in. He's always looking out for me. Me But he does it. He doesn't call me. He doesn't tell me Oh shit like he keeps a very real.

00:45:00 - 00:50:00

So you know just like kind of going through every aspect, even talking with my ex like just weird. Ping Pong pinball all over the place it was it was a lot, and did you see each other as well? We ran so again. The the K. drama continues in the snow. We met at Sundance, and Sundance happens in January, and so in a very dramatic fashion. We we saw each other at Sundance, and that was also like a moment of like. I really raking this. You really hard now is tough, so we did each other in January and then went back our respective states. Doing our thing I'm trying to get over. He's trying to get over it. It was it was rough. Man Okay, so was it quarantine like was that like the nail on the coffin that you're like moving forward, or was there a moment before that? That was like multiple. Like swear to God. It's like a rocket. That's trying to launch into space. I'm realizing more. That's one analogy because you have to break through the atmosphere, Um. There's a lot of resistance you. Break through that and then once you're in space kind of coasting. That's one analogy. The other part that I was calling. It was like you're like stuck in Tar, and you're just like knitting tar. You're trying to remove it from union, and it's just like it's residue. Right like suck. You or I don't. I like it because both of them have that heaviness to them, but same time there is that light at the end of the tunnel. You know that once tar off your body, or once you break through the atmosphere that there's no turning back. You just going right. Funny thing is even while we're together and talking about breaking up. We had even talked about. Should we break up and then see again in a year, we we. We talked about a lot of different scenarios I've done the. Region. We don't have time to do this on I. Guess another whole episode for another time, but you know what that is just so telling people who truly care about each other and want to work things out authentically, and you're not trying to give up because at some point I'm sure you go back to your respective homes, and you think if we just try hard enough. Yeah, we can make this work. Let's play out all the scenarios and you want to believe it like especially just like from what were showed in like movies at all this shed. It's like you want to believe that love is enough and right. Yeah, it's not so I will counter Mr. Manson I do think love. It does conquer all end it is enough, but the the recipient, or who that love is placed upon is the most important thing so as cliche as it sounds the main thing that I was learning through the break-up through like literally from the moment that we were coming to this conclusion and hit me. Hit me like we were saying immediately hit me instantaneously like Oche Shit. This is really happening. I have to figure out. My entire life is broke down united so that recognition of how much I was not loving to myself was really obvious, really quick, and that was very unsettling, very upsetting very scary to recognize that without him. The hell do I do now, and I don't like even saying that out loud because I'm very independent, very fragile in some ways very confident woman, but that I completely fell apart. I actually think that's when the breakup are the hardest in a way. It's there's so many different factors I'm not going to say. It's like only that like obviously just the depth of it and all that, but I remember like for my own instance. I felt like I lost myself a little in the relationship because I was so focused on this person, so that's when he was gone. It just felt like this major void was gone. Gone and I think I mean if you're in a relationship, there's GonNa be avoid right like someone's gone that you're used to being with all the time, so it's inevitable, but yeah I think if you've like feel like you've lost a bit of yourself along with it goes even deeper. Yeah, climbing out of that hole if you will are that meant for victims, but It's frigging hard, and and for somebody again it's also frame of mind right like if I you myself and I have my own identity as I`ma, strong, capable independent woman, but in this instance like you're getting a very very sobering reckoning while you're getting your ass handed to you of like. Oh, are you now like no, because I'm recognizing how much I had kind of thrown myself in some ways of you so beautiful. Beautiful right but I really like kind of all of me into this relationship, and that was something that I really needed to sit within that like to sit in the pain and recognize. There's something really not okay about. It was just the pain. Oh, he's gone. It was like I was like who the Hell Am I. That's a scary place to be versus just dismiss somebody in its though sad that this person's now. It was straight up panic in like fear. I! Don't also put it, but if anything, the silver linings which I'm very silver linings ten a person at the end of the day much optimist.

00:50:01 - 00:55:00

It was the thing that I think I needed to reconcile some traumas like unresolved issues with family. I had an abusive boyfriend as a teenager that I hadn't fully healed from like things like that, they all came to the surface in. Rapid succession it was just like one after another like all right. And now we have a pandemic, but you know so I had a conversation with my co worker about this who recently gave birth and when she was pregnant, she said the hardest thing she had to deal with was the change in her identity and I think one of the things that as women, especially as we go through all these different kinds of identities that are really hand in hand with the other people in our lives like I am a daughter. I am a girlfriend. I am a friend. I am a dog, mom. These are all identities right and when you lose that person who gives you the identity you lose. Lose part of yourself. That is absolutely true, so I think independent women. It's really hard to reconcile that because we think well I'm independent, which means I have this independent identity, but we forget that it is really like relative to the other people in our lives absolute, and it's also the loss, not just of the person, but of the life that you thought you were going to have yeah I think that is really hard to grapple I. Remember having this hard time to just being like I think it was because I had been single before for a long time like dating all the time and then I finally met that person right, and then when ends. You're like up back here again. You're older. And I was not I I really had put a lot of work into like being a modern woman where I'm like. Why am very spiritual to you know I'm like divine timing when things happen, they happen and murals have happened in my life before I'm no exception I. Don't dictate this I'm recognizing how much of a control freak I was and the London like all these elements of my life. That I had really been doing my absolute best working so hard. You kind of keep in this safe little bubble so that it could be all that I dreamed of and more. Drift away like you said. It's like it's a little death that any relationship like when you you care about somebody you gotTa. Grieve it, also reading and then learning to be alone, and really the identity of do I. Love Myself. I think I have made a lot of headway especially in that previous stint of being single mike dating around learning how to have boundaries saying no just funny as soon as I met my ex like all the boundaries. I don't know about you, too, but I know that as soon as I go when I go through. Break Up. The first thing that comes to my mind is panic. Oh my God I have to do this. Shit I'll. Have to get myself back out there. What's out there? Is there anybody out there? And how do I develop feelings again with someone and start from square one? How do you deal with that panic? I don't even know like I'm trying to think back on how that it was? This is like Odyssey me, putting my heart to anybody going through heartbreakers, we have all gone through in some form in. Maybe you know I don't want it to. Maybe will again in the future. I felt a again identify I'm really deep psychology biles dealing with abandonment issues like he abandoned me even though the way he looked at it and again the way I even looked at it when I was in a sober mind was. was that was to be the best we could be to ourselves into each other men. The rational way were approach personal and your you know again a human being that has a lifetime of trauma in a lifetime of like unresolved emotional issues. Yeah I. When I was angry when I was sad, I felt like you just threw me aside, and you let I've totally been there i. feel like I'm so resited story right now Veggie. It's definitely one of those things I remember. It was so logical, but I like for me. It was the same emotional trap that was like. Did you not love me enough for like? Break, but I think he way to answer your question. I've dealt with it. Multiple ways because I've had a couple instances I think the first time I dealt with getting panic of getting back out there by just avoiding and I. Don't for way too long like I think in reg well. I shouldn't say in retrospect I would fix it I think I had to deal with what I was dealing in. That's what my truth was. At that point in my life and I think actually for me. Me Like I did take like a solid year. That I really wasn't dating like I. Had Blake I mean? My ax was still there to some degree like it wasn't like I. Guess I wasn't like totally, but we were seeing each other, but we. He was like mentally taking up space. If that makes sense, but we weren't seeing each other. I think I might have had like no. I think pretty single I like definitely went through a very long dry period to at that time, I. Stuck that Julie 'cause that's. My thing was like I done.

00:55:00 - 01:00:04

I've gone off the dating apps and off as a single because you know. I'm sure you guys have talked about this so much on this. Like, it's exhausting. Though exhausting, but they're stunned parts to it. That's what we do it, but there's only it's exhausting and so I generally gone and waves, but I'd always kind of I knew that, at least after this. Break up like I know that a distraction I, know that this Niki laying right not pretty and wanting somebody to just want me and being real with myself about that, so I did my very best in actually went a whole month without even downloading on my phone and for me, that was significant. In that month I was literally dealing with the hardest emotions like again, frontloading all the despair, and just dealing with it, and doing my best not to go back onto that crutch because I knew it was a crutch, and it wasn't going to actually make me feel better at the end of the day that it was a very fleeting distraction, but it was after that month. You know I did get back on, but it only proved my. My point lying is such a momentary alleviating hearing, but did you get back on during quarantine? We're was this in relation to quarantine like. When did you decide that? Okay I'm moving on from this relationship. Yeah, so I had to okay a month absence January. I had the APPS on my phone like it was a distraction, and then I got all because it was just like. This isn't good and I focused on me which I knew. Eating your vegetables. You know that's what needs to be done. So I was like I'm a frigging thirty year old woman I. Want like I was in so much pain that like. Let's just do the damn work. Let's just do the therapy. Let's let's. Like, let's do the meditating like we gotta do this and so actually travelled a bit. I went to see my brother in Seattle this was right when covert ramping up, so I lay in Seattle, too. Yeah, in Seattle I went to. Seattle Austin and New York. And then it came back to La and then went into lockdown. So you know like I was on it and I was swiping but I wasn't ever like pursuing anything again. It was a distraction and I wasn't really active on it. I don't know what the timeline is designed. Time right now. I had a lot of work to do so yeah I don't know I guess more recently I've just like I was just chatting with people wasn't taking anything. Seriously still am like. It's been really great. Because quarantine may be have so much more time for myself that I actually was filling up the hours really well with work. I work out a lot. Like the number one thing when I went through my bad break up I was working out like twice a day for. That's pretty damn good it is. I have been working on twice a day even if it's just like a walk. A. Better than ice cream. Runs to the grocery store help to. I'm like I can't just get it. That's true. Okay, so, is this your first time doing therapy of done their people for I done therapy really for the first time a couple years ago of actually by I love our, he passed away in twenty eighteen, so actually that was announced tough, because I was dating my exit the time there's a lot of layers that we went through a lot together, and I was going through a lot in life, so actually that an impetus for me to actually get therapy realistically I. It would have been really good for me. I think if I gone therapy after my abusive excellent, I was a teenager. Vow would have been a very important I. think again therapy, but being korean-american right like what's therapies. Money. Does my parents, but I if I had asked for I had pushed for it, they would've but I was nineteen. You don't know. I. Didn't I object on that? Because I was like this little kid at Berkeley studying public health like I knew there would be good for a lot of different reasons like just let it apply to me of until it really really mattered. I can't change the past, but better late than never right, so I did start therapy a little bit in two thousand eighteen. It was expensive. etc. I I'm a freelance. Creative producer and actor. TONS OF MONIES? I didn't make it a priority to pay for therapy, but after this break up, I've been doing therapy every week. Got It so this time around. It's more of a priority. One hundred percent Dr, big difference it is a big of and did you make that a goal from the very beginning, or was it something that as you healed? Healed along the way you decide to implement it I think it was more along the way, but it was definitely something in my gut, instinctually, and even prior to the break-up, because we were fighting so much, and it was really taking a toll in terms of like my anger, my anxiety feelings of just like uncertainty about the future. It was mounting. Healing? I had already had months of knowing deep down that I would in permit it that it would be helpful again.

01:00:04 - 01:05:09

Take that leap again. I'm still unpacking like what were the actual barriers between taking the step to actually do it and implement something that I knew for quite a while would be something helpful and importance, and making it a priority making it something that notes uses. I'm going to make it happen because I'm really good about that. A lot of other aspects of my life of course right right well when I went through my brutal therapy by brutal breakup. They really. That's actually the first time. No I started therapy like I started better help that was like the first one the online version and I found that a really great gateway into therapy, and I always say that I think it's like a really great accessible way to get started and then. Not to plug, but they are dateable sponsor, so yes, they are! We love PGA. At me because I pay them. I'm like that's what I've been using. Yeah, okay, yeah I most amazing. Right now in virtual land where we can't see people, anyways, it's like the perfect solution and I did end up deciding to go to in per because i. just felt like I wanted to try that experience made it honestly like as difficult as the break-up was for me. It totally changed me as a person like I think like the layers of depth, thyge ought after that break-up, and just from I mean obviously the experiences I went through in that relationship, but also just the work that I did on myself with therapy. It was like monumental like I I'm forever grateful for that experience because I don't think I'd be the person. Person I am today without it. One hundred percent agree as as excruciating as it is Ray, and that's what I think even again. The opt annoying optimist in me as like even with all of this is happening right now. It is not uncomfortable in. It's so like just kind of throwing us all into this crazy turmoil of evaluation and discomfort of not being able to do everything that we wanna do in having to prioritize than and think of all the different consequences of every single little action. It's so exhausting, but at the same time I feel like sometimes. That's what it takes to like. Really yet. It together right and. That's a good thing. Come out of it. That's the key word. There is discomfort when you're uncomfortable. That's the only way to change and push yourself forward, so what I love about this conversation. Is that Mindy you? You could act as a future person for somebody. Listen to this episode right now. Who's going through what you went through? Let's say three months ago and you're like coming to them from the future, and in hindsight, what do you think are some the things that you did to make yourself uncomfortable? But that really you really reaped the benefits from your so Craig. I think really sitting in the hurt like that's one thing I just had to sit in it instead of distracting that first month. So like way, but I'm like I. Want to congratulate. My s stupid of that sounds I. WanNa. Give myself props for not repeating. Would I knew would be bad for me. For me, you know what I mean for somebody else's measuring. Stick me not because something completely different, but it's like an addict. Right like you went a whole month. You didn't go back to what you knew. Logically at in your gut would not help you, and for that I do WanNa give myself grace at status because I. let my solve, Greece. There's nothing like that pain sitting in your bones to remind. Remind you. I will not go through this again. If I can help it right and burning hot, a transmute that pain into love for yourself, for lack of better words is is really powerful, and so sitting in the pain was one thing taking responsibility. There was the second thing in sitting in the pain, and then taking time really to reflect and thank you again to quarantine. I needed to I, had. To do it. But also I, couldn't I could chosen to just Netflix's all day and Nah. You sounded. Yeah yeah, I was just like again. It came to like the priorities of like Oh my God. I'm thirty four newly single records you now. I don't know when the hell I can ever meet somebody if I do want the family that I want that literally is one of the reasons why we broke up was because I had decided like Yeah I. Do want to have a family within the next ideally in the next few years that means I cannot just spend the next year or two digging around and dry, and now we're in quarantine. I gotta get it together. I need to like. Get right with myself. One of our roads that we had this season is called quarantine from boys, but actually Hotel in Leicester and she made a really great analogy like know in the winter beers hibernate, and they lake get their shit together, and there's nothing wrong with that in the need that in order to the rival, when it becomes time that they're out of hibernation, so share saying that the quarantine is the perfect time because I think the question that led up to.

01:05:09 - 01:10:08

It was like what happens when you're freaking out that you're losing valuable time in. You're like dating life. especially as the clock is ticking, you're getting older etc? And she was saying like the value of working on. Yourself is a step towards that one hundred. One hundred percent and I think the payoff is. Invaluable. You can't even measure that because for me is recognizing the ways that I had contributed to the demise of the break. You know what I mean like the immature version of me. I think in past life I would be really just like sitting in pain but I don't know like coming from like a super egotistical way. act like you're better off without him didn't like forget him. Him I didn't want to. Though like I cared about him, and I was trying to look at it from one of my supposed to learn out of this. Because why am I here again? Why did I thought this was gonNA work out I thought this, was it? We have so much love for each other. We had XYZ not all these components. Why did it not work in? In. It really hit me hard, and I had to accept responsibility for the ways that I could shoot it to not having a workout and those are very real. It's not like blaming him or blaming me is just really becoming more objective about it and saying that stuff. I need to work on that. Is something completely separate from him? Because take that person out of the equation. Equation a things get goes down and you get into a conflict I saw patterns I was like I freak out I. Shut Down I recognize I'm not as good of a communicator as I thought the pattern that we had in our relationship why he would come to these different conclusions that I get so angry about, but I'm like did I ever clearly state what I wanted? And if when I changed my mind, which happens in a human life I've changed my mind her being super casual to becoming a lot more serious. How did I communicate that to him and was that reasonable was at fair, if the water them, we're like sucky answers to like really be like. Oh, I have a bad pretty bad I mean that's so important. Because I think we were talking about earlier like the people that just. Just jump right back into dating or distract themselves. They don't have that time to process it and I think you need that time because if you don't, you're going to get into another relationship in the same. Shit's going to happen again, right? It's really important, and like I said you know I've had breakups before and I definitely didn't take that time. Just recognizing like you'll get caught the same lessons over and over until less. And I'm a pretty stubborn person. So were there any like tactical things that you did like? was there anything that you can pass on is like advice for people, or was it really just therapy? Like what therapy was one part of it? And that will, as it was a process, because I went to multiple therapists before I kind of found. One the one Even then I'm recognizing I. Think I'm treating this like. Don't put too many expectations on even that one, because maybe she's a great therapist for this particular moment. Ring, really really aware and an okay with it just serve that purpose in I don't. I don't need to stay with that. There was forever. You don't need to be married to that therapists. We had a therapist on the show wants. She said that she'd like five therapists over that therapists for different things in different stages of life, so it really a thing and i. think the what you just said to about finding the one. That's also a thing because it's like if you don't jive with that person, how can you just like unload your life to them exactly exactly and I? I'm honestly really. The focus of the takeaways from this period of my life is to genuinely learn to love myself and loving. Loving yourself doesn't mean just doing whatever you feel like I'm really learning what that means like. It means protecting yourself and disciplining ourselves and protecting you know what you want. In the long term versus short term that's a lot of maturity in some awareness to purdue that not only theoretically know in your head, but to act it. That's also different right? All the little things that I was doing was burning. Trust myself by said I'M GONNA work out today and working out that day building? Trust between me. You know what I mean and like I just gone whole spiritual woo. It honestly has saved my life to the honest it saved. Mice is preserved my sanity. It's given me clarity really living and walking the talk of like. If you're not good to you, you're not that anybody. You know what I mean. There's there's a limit that's what dating yourself is about your showing yourself. Love your morning yourself. You're so showing yourself with romance should feel like, and that's what helps you to recognize love with someone else if we don't show the love to ourselves, how will we ever know what kind of love that we want right exactly? So, what revelations did you have out of this time? Like? What do you want in the future now and has a change from before I think it has.

01:10:09 - 01:15:04

One of the criteria you know I I still I recognize I've accepted I. Do want somebody like my grandma. We're talk about this last week. My grandma was arguing that like I. Don't need somebody looking. Right looks are overrated and that good looking people cheat, and you just somebody that'll be a good provider and believes in God like that's some practical. But I'm I'm kind of like I'm urging the practical winning the romantic and I'm just like. I do WANNA. Be attracted to person on good ously. What like my criteria? Of that I enjoy spending time with, but also really someone who will be a good dad. I mean become a big thing in my life. Somebody who wants a family and if I would want my child to be like them period you know before it was just like how ambitious are you like? How passionate a person like all these things that I don't think are bad, but. But they definitely evolved. You know got it, so it helped you like kind of fine tune what you're looking for. Yeah, yeah, and I. It's just where I'm at in life to I. Don't. I don't think I was wrong for wanting the things I wanted before. That's like new again. Loving myself and just forgiving. You know that's what you wanted now. What do you want now? freaking out about everything that happened before learn from it and then apply it literally is all you can do your same goals of like marriage kids. All of that hasn't changed. It's more now. You have a better path to find someone that equally shares that Zion gatting I think so, and and to have more realistic, more gracious expectations of what that will actually look like I very thankful to my last relationship, because living with somebody really merging my life, and he wasn't the first one because the previous x was like that as well, but just not in the same intensity. Merging your life with someone is incredibly sacred, and it's important, and is not to be taken lightly, so you gotta do your part, and it's also recognizing like I can't have somebody be responsible for my happiness period at the end of the day, my feelings in my sanity, I got a handle that that is my responsibility, and not I think is the biggest shift in Kwai. Entering any relationship now onward versus a previous version. That's so important, and that's so much expectation for someone right, so yeah, who knows what marriage even? Right yeah exactly. So, we'll be all of us. Open you back to dating now that we're like starting to exit quarantine. What's your plan? Are you still need more time? Me What? Whole podcast because I genuinely I mean I is matched with people again. None of it was taken seriously because we're in quarantine and I've noticed patterns about like Dom. Ask guys who are like asking to meet up and I'm like right saying well. We started alluding to this earlier and I. Think it's tough because you love to hear you've gone through, too, but I mentioned the time that I definitely took a lot longer to start dating again and then I remember like after my. My last relationship like Oh hell, no of not doing that again. That was such loss time so I remember booked date like a week after and I met up with this guy and I remember like on the date like there was something wrong with the date at all. It was totally fine. There was no chemistry, but there is nothing wrong and I. Just remember like losing it like I. Literally like went to the bathroom and started here up in an I like kind of. That I was ready to go, it's like winding down anyways I got and the Uber and I just burst out in tears and I was like okay. This is like I can't just jump right back in either. I was like Oh. I did the work last time like I can just go so I don't know what the answer is. I don't think there is like a set answer, but I think you kind of know when you're ready again like you're like excited. I think it's like when you're forcing it. That's when it's a bad situation. It doesn't usually end well because you're like growing. Is You feel like you have to to? were, but you're not excited about it and you are really ready. Right so I think when I'm. Finally get that. It's that you're like I. WanNa meet someone again like I think that's when it's like a great time to start I think so too, and it's a it's a. it's an evolution having self-awareness at each step right? You're kind of like you're dipping your toe back in. Yeah, because it was just like such a nightmare going part of it was fun. I'm like Oh. Wow, there's so many great people I genuinely think there's so many wonderful people out in the world, and to whatever degree you're going to connect with a person that is a complete question mark. You never know high greatest I. It doesn't mean you have. Doesn't mean you connect the same values your auto? You know that's all the mystery. Why again why? We have movies music and everything, but I also was like it was my first time participating Rodeo.

01:15:05 - 01:20:07

To fame annoying triggers back to you, and I was like God. This is why hate the so much UA? 'CAUSE IT roadkill. I loved actor. Because I. Wants to be road though you have to like you, it's unfortunate that you have to, but like I know even now I like recently and did something and I like immediately got back on the APPS and I don't know. I started like talking to people. Think I really WANNA. Be doing this right now, so I'm still like this passive sitting duck on the APPS that I'm like sniping on people, and not really replying but I. am doing a phone call tonight so I'm starting to renting. You know I think. You're starting to hit it, but I had to be that person and I'm sure all those people that were messaging me getting no required like fuck this person, right? Guy What other date with that I was like literally ended up in tears had nothing to do with him. That's unfortunate, but you kinda need to do it to see where you're at and get that BA writer. Yes, duet with precaution, because don't forget. There is another human being that you're you're you're corresponding with and spoke as someone who has been road kill many times I. Don't want to be part of that situation like I've I've definitely met guys on APPs. We're like OH I. I went through a break up a few months ago. I'm I'm getting myself back out. There I'm feeling good and I don't know. Is that a red flag? I don't know if you're really ready, and they don't really know and I can't fault them for it, so I would just say yes. You should get it when you feel ready. Ish Getting yourself back out there. Just tread lightly and my. I like when when people tell me they may be ready to get back into. into dating I always say. How excited are you about meeting? Someone New Right now, not just for dating a new person in January and they say I feel I feel like it's daunting to meet a new person that I'm like you're not ready to date. You're not ready to go out there again, but if someone's like I'm genuinely excited, meet someone new to learn something from them platonic -ly than I'm like okay, maybe you are. You somewhat ready. We just can't forget that there. There were dealing with human beings here well. I think also when I took that like year off right like I was in I was just going through my own personal journey. Right so I was in therapy I was like getting over this devastating break-up like I was not someone that anyone would want to at that point, right and I also felt like for me. Because dating does bring up a lot of emotional stuff to on a good day like when you're like perfectly sound. ghosted or someone just like you know like there's so many things that can happen so I at least the way I was looking at it as I was like I am already on the brink of emotional anything. Extra that happens with dating. We'll just like. Send me over the edge, so I feel like for me I needed to get back into a place. That I had that South love. In could handle those ups and downs of dating emotional. That's very very wise. Jewelry and I think I. I'm of the same mind, maybe not as consciously, but increasingly like. Yeah, this is a lot of gone on a few virtual dates, and they're. They're pleasant. You know there. It was just a reminder like wow, get there really cool people out there again. It doesn't mean this is your future husband or Raymond. Somebody that you even maybe want meet up with real in real life. Person and again the criteria for that. It's really been tested for Kobe. But did you do an antibody test? But like where have you been since then? There's a lot more at stake right now. Think of all these hoops that we now have to run through. I think it's again. You measure you calibrate like the worthiness of this interaction bright in a different way. Then I'm like this is a waste of my life. said that the quarantine is the best thing to have to happen to you to put you in this space that you had to confront this. Spielberg virtual dating is perfect for where you're at right now. It's like low commitment, and also like okay like if you're not the person that is like I'm so ready to be there that you're really wasting people's time as much like getting on a call, versus like going on a date is different, very realistic, low investment. Yes, but also has been proven that video calls are extremely exhausting, probably more exhausting than in person. Can you elaborate on this? There's studies on this while like the zoom. Everyone's exhausted from zoom because you're young screen and there's something just you can't turn your attention away because it's very obvious when you do. Full attention. There's nothing distracting you can't like. It's not like you're at a bar and you can look at the people around you. You're just staring at this person. It gets very exhausting so again. Like your truth is whatever you're feeling in the moment, and if you feel like you want to meet some people you talk to them it by all means do it, but you also have to know yourself very well to to the point where you're like okay.

01:20:07 - 01:25:00

Okay I think I should take a break or I can keep going with this so I think we should get into some takeaways because what I'm hearing from this and I hear this over, and over again is like when people when they're going through appeared loneliness or try and get over a break-up. They ramp up really fast, and then they over exhaust themselves on so many levels physically and mentally and I work in the fitness industry and this is. Is. A really interesting fact is that most people skip the cool down for workouts because they think they're like I. Already got the benefits from the workout by do I need to cool down? People who skip cool downs regularly gain more weight. Because when you overexert your body, your body is is creating cortisol, which then is turns into sugar, which then makes you gain weight, and what that really means is when you don't give your body the the rest. Rest that it needs your body actually goes against what you're trying to accomplish. And that's exactly how people to think about relationships, too, and dating and being alone. You have to give yourself. A break gotta take that downtime and cool down. Recover take a few days of rest, and then you can ramp up again. You can't keep spiking spiking spiking because it's actually counterproductive and what you're doing NGOs great because this is almost like this forced cool down for. Before, you get into that next workout again, but you've taken the time what I really appreciate about what your story is. You've taken the time to separate the relationship that you went through and what you're going through like what I'm hearing is you're going through this like identity. Evolution and that's very separate from your you getting over your break-up, they're. Two separate paths, which means you're on your own a path to really evolve your life, and you're gonNA. Come out of quarantine a new person and it doesn't mean that this is like. Oh, my Gosh, she's! She knows she's figured out dating, but you've having used his time just to think about like. What do I need to do to make this relationship work? It's more like what do I need to do to make my life. Life Work for what I'm trying to accomplish. That's very admirable. The love that I love that I think I was gonNA. Say a similar takeaway. It's like the this time can be the best thing for you. If you let it be and I think oftentimes we think about breakups, and just thinking about the negative and the devastation I think I think I'm an optimist, also that I feel like I always try to see like. Like, what can be good that comes out of it and I mean we've obviously pointed to so many reasons like within your story in other stories that we shared on this podcast today of just like how this can really transform you as a person and set you up for the relationship. You want so I. Think like even if you're not going through a break-up if you're in a situation where you're burnt out on dating. Dating or things have not been progressing the way that you want I. Think taking that time and not being afraid to feel like you're missing opportunities, and all the foam is coming in like quarantine. Is that best time because we had to, but it doesn't mean that now that things are restrictions. are starting to get lifted. It doesn't mean that you can't do it still like I did it when there was no quarantine. Over nineteen you'd like. It's not fun. It's fun to sit with your thoughts, but you have to do it to push through and I think like a lot of people at the beginning of quarantine were kind of freaking out because it was the first time that they weren't distracted like you didn't have an event to go. Do you didn't have a? Date to line up and you had to sit with your thoughts and I think it can be very very scary but I. think the rewards are so worth it. I completely agree are so great at these takeaways eloquent. Analyzed in like the best way possible I feel reborn and. I also want to be very encouraging because it is like both of you said it is, it's a process. It's not gonNA be comfortable, but I personally right now I can say I'm I feel like we're the happiest places I've been in for me personally, even though I'm definitely still struggling on a day-to-day basis, because the rest of the world is like a fricking dumpster fire right now, but I'm working on using whatever I have learned from my own personal experience whether even. Dating and self identity Rome but to apply it to all the turmoil that's arising in all all hannity right now whether that's health, related or economically related or cultural racism, and like all this shit is just like being purse right now, and it's a very macro version of like what I felt.

01:25:00 - 01:30:01

I was going through on a micro level. Personally so in that way I feel like I can commiserate with dislike. This upheaval mall is being put out there, and so just to remain as much as I humanly can are of a roller like encouragement A. A lot of the healing that happens externally even systematically even up to the levels of lake, government happens internally I and there's so much that I wanna do an achieve both in a romantic relationship and outside of it, but all of those still are rooted within me the way that I in manage myself manage my feelings, my psyche. My sleep schedule my fitness the way I talked to myself, and so that's GonNa. Be on a very micro day to day basis. That is a lifestyle commitment. That's way beyond quarantine, and I think quarantine for helping facility. But, it's definitely not the end and I appreciate this Christmas moments, but. It an over, and and what else is like? Because because we're in this world, we're like literally. Anything goes now right like what is life. What is time what her? Rules like nothing applies more so in that way. If you're kind of like this crazy, we are blank canvas like let's do it the way we want to do. And I have gone again. What I, said blue. I'm doing self love stuff that I really genuinely looked at previously like Oh my God. This is like some Gwyneth paltrow she. says. This lady my pussy again. CRYSTALS DO I. Leaning in I think you said something. No that I do WanNa like. 'cause i. mean everything you just said was so important to hear, but you said something that you. You're happy right now and I. Think so often. We feel like we need to be in relationships to be happy. And I think what of one of the books that got me through my period. We actually had her as a guest on our show was from season six episode, fifteen meeting half orange, and it was an author. Amy Spencer, so I definitely recommend the book. Has she liked. Takes you through journaling exercises in. It's like imagining like the life that you want to have an. It's so amazing, but her whole point was like she was kind of like. Don't just get out there. Go date and do all this stuff. If the whole point to be in a relationship is to be happy, just like beeline for the happy and figure out what makes you happy in that? Usually when you end up attracting people anyways and asks relationships as when you're happy in your own skin, just doing life in being yourself. One thing the might take hopefully. If anyone's down to try I highly recommend doing it. The last few days is kind of changing. My life has doing all the affirmations enduring doing a lot of self care. My Skin's glowing more than. I'm doing mirror work and I been on affirmations, which is basically you know saying things like I am whole I am healthy I'm abundant i. am worthy saying these things to like to transform the voice in your head, which is usually the worst voice overs usually for sure hitting so hard and very judgmental, which is definitely has been knee, but doing your work is like looking at yourself deep in your own is telling yourself like Gee. I love you and your. And I got your back and I'm not gonNA. Let you down. You know no matter what happens you. I'm always here. Saying that to my face. I broke down crying because I never said that like the way I speak to somebody I love. Even you guys like you had a bad day. I could speak the best words of encouragement, and I would mean it one hundred ten percent, because I would look at you and see the best of both of you and senior praises and reassure you in comfort. You do that for myself I if anybody is willing to go, hi, it's really hard, but once you do it and get past the uncomfortable like what the hell am I doing right now. It really like I am feeling lighter. I'm feeling like I don't feel as lonely. That's a great tactic I. Love that takeaway because it's like the way the way you talk to yourself like. Would you ever talk to a friend that way like nicknamed? You're not the only person that struggles with that I. Think a lot of people struggle with that. Myself included end. Yeah, I think it's the mindset is everything we keep. We always say that on this podcast in the best way to change your. Your mindset is to change an inner dialogue. That's happening for you, right? That's really great. Walmart sidebar is like went I'm actually good with being alone. I actually genuinely enjoy my alone time a lot. Even though I little mom said loneliness, it just naturally raises standards because if lying, I would rather chill by myself. Reading or you're taking a walk listening to Arianna around and Lady Gaga. That's like more appealing than having a conversation with Xyz. Person Guy Friend whoever I'm fine, I'll just like I. Like. Take care have a good life I don't. I'm always do the I.

01:30:01 - 01:35:02

always do the sit in bed with my dog test on rather rather be with this person or sit in bed with my dog, yeah! I've left a guy's house. Because I'm like I rather sit home with my dog. I remember like what I was going through my situation like I never really spent time alone before that and I think that's like pardon woman so difficult for me that I was like before when I wasn't dating him I was just like always going out I was always with friends. I was just always with someone. And I think I just because I was so down just depressed to be completely honest like I spent a lot more alone time and I started to like. It wasn't just alone depressed on the couch like I went and took trips by south like I went and doing. It was a big Love A. Good up to Calistoga by myself to like the hot springs treat myself, and honestly like I would go to the hot springs with friends after and I'm like I, prefer to go there myself. I would say once Roberta. Pool enough. I did enjoy your company, but I did like going myself to. And I think like finding that solstice in yourself in that honestly for me has made this quarantine a hell lot easier as someone that lives alone. was I guess primarily single entertaining some stuff, but I was primarily single in the time, but I think it made it a lot easier to be on my own. During this tough time because I had done it before where I I love it good for you and that's that's they like I'd rather be lonely than be lonely in a relationship right I. said that last week because we talk same thing and I genuinely appreciate all these learning lessons, it would be really really nice to have somebody that I'm excited to meet with. And I feel like you'll be that much more easy to identify once it happens you know being. An quite frankly on, it's not even just being along, but there so many important things happening right now I am very like involved in my community. I'm very involved in social justice stuff that I think you know we only if anything that quarantine in Kobe taught us is that life is not guaranteed, and we don't know when we're GONNA come and go and. Time in health in all of our energy is very precious, so I would like to allocate that well where I go to bed every night. Being like I think I sent that day well and I do as much as I love romance in. It has been the drug of choice. I also choosing those other things that I really am passionate about contributing my time to, and if I'm sorry, just like to a guy, it's like either you augment my life in make it like your arrested or an wastes or something that's enjoyable and fulfilling or feeds my passions or something like it doesn't add to that. There's other things that can really contribute myself to that justice fulfilling you know and I would love to have a wonderful hot. Great. All got it. Up they're like I. Don't want to settle. I don't WanNa I. Don't WanNa like go backwards. I in that way. I'm Mike. Really looking forward to the future right now is a really important time. I think for us to choir ties. There's a lot calling birds. Yes, absolutely em-. Prioritize how you treat yourself during this time to very very important, lovely very well said, and she's got many more words of wisdom on her podcasts first of all. Where can people find you? Get fired first of all the podcasts platforms on apple podcast, spotify Google, and all that fun stuff. I put a lot of feelings out there on my instagram. At Menzies Emi N. J. E. Easy Y I don't do as my social on my podcasts social, but working on it. Yeah, I'm out there. I love live talking with people, but also having boundaries know. Where I WANNA engage in where I just need a moment. You Day you catch. Gee If. If someone's new to your podcast, what's a good episode for them to start on? Let's say they're very curious about personal development. During this time one of my first episodes, people refer out about you. Guys like my first chunk of episodes I feel embarrassed because it was so clunky and I was like figuring out my voice in all the stuff, but there was one early on that. People bring up to me that I was like. Oh, it's called. Sorry, not sorry. It was me learning not to move politics for everything for literally existing. Existing and having a a declared thought that one's an interesting one that I guess other people have resonated with so maybe that's a good win. A lot of the recent ones have been about mental health about therapy of being really tough on yourself. Something that I'm processing in real time on my bike, a fantastic lovely. Okay, we're going to wrap this up. Thank you so much. Mindy for continuing the discussion you. You all need to listen to our conversation Mendis podcast. Because then a lot of this also makes sense, and literally is like the sequel.

01:35:03 - 01:36:42

Episode. We're just really really nice for all of our listeners. Thank you for helping. US, provide US Open Forum to talk about our journeys and hearing different perspectives. If you like our podcast, please leave us a review in apple podcast. It's very helpful for us to source great guests such as Mindy because if she read the reviews and she's like oh I'm not anti podcast. She would have never come on, or you're gonNA, reading that literally takes two seconds. That would go. Away. French, yes, Tele Front or submit a story can go on digital podcast, dot, com, or you can email. US Hello at. Dot Com. Hey, we're going to wrap this up stay. Oh but dateable podcast is part of the FROLIC podcast network five more podcasts. You'll love at frolic. Dot Media Slash podcasts want to continue the conversation I follow us on Instagram facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcast tag us in any post with the Hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those post. Then head over to our website. dateable PODCASTS DOT COM there. You'll find all the episodes. Episodes as well as articles, videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts, you can also find our premium why series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums also downloadable for free on spotify apple podcast Google play overcast stitcher, radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.