S10E6: Coming out as Bisexual in your Marriage

Dateable Podcast
March 17, 2020
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March 17, 2020

S10E6: Coming out as Bisexual in your Marriage

From Coronavirus to coming out in your marriage – there’s no predicting what can happen! We talk to Chris about discovering his sexuality later in life and what it meant for him and his wife.

Coming out as Bisexual in your Marriage

From Coronavirus to coming out in your marriage – there’s no predicting what can happen! We talk to Chris about discovering his sexuality later in life and what it meant for him and his wife. We discuss adapting to unforeseen situations, navigating change, and staying true to yourself through it all.

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Episode Transcript

Season 10 Episode 6: Expect the Unexpected

00:00:00 - 00:05:22

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of the dateable. Podcast show all about modern dating. Hello everyone it has blond a crazy week. I can't believe this usually Julian. I record in the same room where literally right next to each other. But this is the first time we've done an intro where we're zooming. Yeah physically together. This is the world of Cova. Die Tijd Right. So we're like amidst the Kuroda virus pandemic right now so if you're catching this at a later time hopefully by then everything is much better but things are absolute craziness right now in the world and honestly two weeks ago. We were both like no big deal from the flu. This will pass in no time and I don't know what happened. Julie. I think it's all happened in the last week. It was like Oh shit. Oh Shit yeah like two weeks ago was at a dinner party or were cut of half mocking the people at Costco loading up on toilet paper and this week you are that. Toilet paper honestly. I'm buying shit that I don't know why I don't know why needed but other people are buying us Just GonNa it like. I haven't used this ten years but he toward it all and there is no supply chain issue so many people have told me that. I'm used things are going to get restocked. This panic and fear is driving us to a whole new level of humanity. I know it is really crazy. Like this whole thing has been nuts. I think what it was a week ago that we are getting questions from people like can I still be dating during this time and we have actually been put up a poll like there's two types of people out here right now that gives zero Fox in the one of the ones that are like super careful but Julie you also went on a date. You braved your life to go on a date. This is GonNa say that now. I think if we ran the Paul would probably be like one hundred. Percents has the super cautious people. 'cause I think even yeah like a week ago. I'm like you know what I think it's GonNa be okay to go on a day like it just does not get crazy or whatever and I wasn't sure if I should go. I of have mixed feeling and we ended up doing a three hour phone call. Actually so it's crazy phone calls. One was in replacement of the first day and then one was just the night before we actually set up the date and I think it was great because you actually got to connect with salon a really deep level. So it's like the benefit of Straight now but I think there was a little bit of a false sense of intimacy because of all those phone dates that makes sense like we both went in being like. Oh my God this is like it. We are like so excited about this. He thought this was like date three. Even though to me it was date one and he thought we were definitely fucking and I was just not there yet. What was it interesting while your experience with the state was? Yukos had a three hour phone conversation yet. Know who does hours? Yeah I think it was like three hours one night and like an hour another night which is crazy. Nobody does that anymore. And that was it over the phone. It wasn't over facetime or does something else but it was like old fashioned phone call. Yeah which was actually really nice. I think there were maybe two things I would have done differently is maybe I would have actually introduce well now. Especially because we're all shelter at home like where the first city right now to have this mandate that we can't leave for non essentials. We're on lockdown So I guess at this point you have to do the soon date right but I think I would have probably introduced that instead of one of the phone calls may be done video because at least you get more of a feel of someone's holds a minor but there was something very intimate about having phone calls The only thing was I just feel like we kind of talked about everything We actually met up. There wasn't as much talk about And also people have time nowadays. I think before Corona virus people would not carve out three hours of their day to talk on the phone and now people have all the time in the world. So maybe that false intimacy kinda comes from this all of a sudden free of time as well yes in even actually debated by mind being like is it safer to just invite this guy to buy house versus which I would never do right without this virus like you would never do asking me that question and I was like no really didn't like there was actually no one really where I was any so the odds of contacting it was probably really low is probably more of an odds from him.

00:05:22 - 00:10:01

So yeah it's I think it's great that it's letting us slow down a little. Our love lives but I think we also need to shore without like jumping the gun to try to find someone kinda shack up with during this time but Julie. This is kind of similar to some. The People's experiences on love is blind. Oh Na show because they have all the time in the world so they can only talk to each other when they're in the pods and it does create a false sense of intimacy. Because you feel like you're spoke spending so much time getting to know the other person. It's kind of like similar to what we've talked about before with marathon dates. Oh yeah who go on eight hour dates and they feel like oh they really connected him and it's just two people had too much time on their hands. Did you sue him me? M- that was like at flakes net flicks love is blind myspace setting us up for cope. Nineteen and it's actually really fascinating. 'cause ironically you add I started. This love is blind experiment because we wanted to replicate the show where it wasn't before corona virus started but it was before became like it is now in the US right so we thought like other. GonNa talk for a week and they'll go out blah blah. We're like we're like we don't know when they're actually going. But one thing I do like about our experiment versus net flicks is that we give them a time limit. There only able to talk for thirty minutes at a time and I do think for anybody. Taking video dates or phone dates set a time limit. Don't talk for three hours or like eight hours. It's it's kind of like the same things that you would do. Normally I think we can't go stir crazy because we're inside all the time like I feel like some of the things that we typically do. We might just throw up a window like I was saying earlier inviting someone to my home on. The first date would never do that before. It's but I think even maintaining your own life like it's hard when you're at home and maybe of limited things but there's definitely things you can do at home like read or listen to podcasts or even like just connect with friends and family right. You'll probably have more than enough time to cuddle with Mojo. Oh yeah there was a beam that said dogs are really enjoying all all the humans were staying home the memes a bit odd point right now like. I think if you want to make sure you're catching all definitely also go to our stick around because I share that we're on top. The one yesterday was epic. That was like ready to start dating again. That's like universe are you. It's like introduce a virus where you can't touch anyone. Well played universe well played and for people who are in relationships or in the beginning relationships. What I'm experiencing is it's this reality that I'm GonNa have to spend a lot of time with my boyfriend. Now it's the ultimate test of a relationship because we're choosing to spend the next three weeks together and we've never done that each other all the time and there was a moment because I was actually in la before this mandate happened. And I had a moment where I had two choices I either stay with. My parents were the next three weeks where they would cook for me and take care of me or come back north and spend three three weeks with my boyfriend and I was really conflicted. I'M NOT GONNA lie. Could I handle jumping into this? Three week locked someone. Well I'm really glad for your own safety that you just drove back from la due to get out of place. That made me really. That was like major Brownie. Points the heater of data. La That's huge. Yes I agree. He went down to L. A. To save me and now we're backing San Francisco. Lucked out unexpected things can happen in the world and for all of you daters out there. We really encourage you to join this Hashtag flat in the curve right like I know you wanna meet each other in real life. But just don't just stay at home cleese just I mean. I admit I had this feeling. Oh my God like you though. It's some people already feel like time pressure right. It's like Oh my God wed by actually being built on a beat people again but the reality is your love. Life could wait. It's why it's three weeks right now for Shar even if it was God forbid like longer. It's the least of our problems at the summit. Yeah or get creative in your dating it.

00:10:01 - 00:15:01

You can break that cycle of going out for a drink and talking nonsense navy. This is your chance to get really deep over facetime. Were over the phone. So get creative with your love life. It doesn't have to go on pause it just has to be you just have to like pivot or you could take a walk to stay six feet apart so like people don't even know your together. Yeah and don't let the authorities see you just like scream overt. Yeah because it is a misdemeanor. If they catch you and going on a walk day is non essential. I I'm pretty sure they classifies non essential. But you're allowed to go out right now. Take a walk. So you get you know he just can't congregate and you can't like with someone who doesn't live in the same household as you. You can't stand less than six feet apart right so you can. Just take a very distanced first date. Hey you know it's GonNa it's covering back courtship I agree one hundred percent courtship and has Massoud in vibrator sales are probably like through the roof. I'm sure yes. Yeah one of the things were trying to put together like dateable survival guide or they know will let you guys know once that's done but we have some ideas of how to stay sane in some of the times and we want to know. How are you coping with this unexpected difficult times in our lives that we've never experienced in our lifetime this sort of a surprise for all of us? How are you coping? How are you adapting a? What are some like new behaviors and habits that you've adapted? We love to hear all about it. And how are you sharing along with your love life? Just reach out to us. We want to hear we WANNA share. Everyone's stories and if you could do us a huge favor also give us a review and in the store you have. You have time now. Now's the time to write a review. We want to hear what you think about us. And and for us to keep bring you content We really need those reviews not gonNA lie. Yeah I think it's one of those things I actually even felt like. Should we be putting out an episode this week because of everything that's going on but I think with people at home people need any connection? They can get right now and I think that's actually been the really nice thing about this is that I don't know about you but I've been definitely doing more. Like facetime calls with my family like we do like family multi different location facetime which was Super Fun. And then I've been doing zoom calls friends so I think just because can't see people. Maybe it's everyone is bonding over this right now. That is like the kind of beauty of it. Obviously I was never asked for this at a billion years but given what we have. Let's make the best out of it absolutely and this really ties into our episode for for today because it's not just talking about the pandemic but also unexpected things happen in life. And how do you adapt to these changes? And how do you? How do you cater to your loved? Ones in unexpected situations. So we have Christiane for this episode. Who Experience Something. Very unexpected in his marriage of more than ten years. Yeah so you a hit me up what day it was like. I just saw facebook status from my friend Chris from high school. We need to get above a show in. It was so intriguing because he had this coming out moment Who's coming out? As bisexual he'd been married for thirteen years I think I think it's like we. We don't understand what people are going through. Internally you see someone status on facebook and you just think like Oh. They're married they have kids. They're just living life like you don't know the internal struggles that everyone has at every stage of life And when they're your high school classmate high school each this thing. Everyone's saying you think about people's future and what they're going to evolve to be so it's it's always a surprise for me to hear about any of my high school classmates evolving into a person that I think they would be 'cause I only know them from high school right so this is like double the surprise for me but this is a fascinating story. Because it's something so unexpected. And he's got two kids he's got a wife. You have to listen to how he delivered this news a to his family but also to his his own loved ones and his friends Ryan how they are dealing with things. Because it's like it's a change right even like we were talking about with run virus. It's changed all of our lifestyles and you have to adapt like especially if you love someone. You're not gonNA just end things for whatever.

00:15:01 - 00:20:04

Reason like change is inevitable. And it's how you deal with it. It's not what a person goes through is how they react to things that happened to them and again. You have to listen to how Chris was able to handle the situation and I'm sure you've a ton of questions is he still in. The marriage is. This is wife accepted him. How did he tell how? Did he deliver the news to his kids? I'm sure these are all questions you have because these were the questions we had for Christmas. Well but before we get into Christmas episode. Let me introduce you to our latest sponsor empower one of the most common questions we get from our listeners. Aside from dating is about finances. So how'd you save up for that down payment? How do you save up to payback student loans? And that's why we're so excited to introduce you guys to empower which is a mobile banking APP. That does exactly that helps you save so you simply tell the APP your weekly savings target. For example mine is two hundred dollars a week. And every day empower studies your income and spending an automatically knows when to move the right amount of money into your savings account with empower. Every EXTRA DOLLAR. You save goes towards that financial goal. You have in mind. So don't delay go check out the empower APP download empower that spelled e. m. p. o. w. e. r. in the APP store or play store. I did and over six hundred and fifty thousand other people have so you know. It's legit and for listeners. Of this show gift five dollars when you use offer code dateable a reach your savings goal does visit empower dot me slash dat Ab l. e. for more details. So Chris who is he? Let me introduce you to rest. He lives in Denver. He's been there since two thousand seven. He's originally from Fort Collins Colorado my hometown. We went to high school together. That's right Thirty eight years old and he is married with kids here from Chris. Let's do it all right. Let's go for it so this is what Chris wrote to us. He said I'm a bisexual man came out late in life when I was already married with children my wife and I had to work together to accept this while maintaining our marriage. This just such a profound statement right there. I guess we'll be start off with is how and when did your did you and your wife meet. Oh we've been ups in San Diego win out. They're going to college. It actually was a kind of unexpected. We'd found each other on a dating site which one okay cupid year with. Chris Oh this was two thousand four. I didn't even know. Okay cupid existent to that. Yeah I think it was pretty new at the time but I had sent her initial message and hadn't heard back from her but we both happened to be getting together with mutual friends that we didn't even know we had and so we're both looking at each other in this film group conversation like she kind of looks familiar and finally best friend who she had like show my profiles they like. Hey this guy messaged me. What do you think caught on? And I think clued her in or we managed to be together of the by the end of the night and Had our first date of unites later. Thatch civil mature dating. I mean obviously college is pretty early. Had what was your dating situation prior whether experience did you have. I was actually coming off of my first marriage which hadn't lasted very long. And so there was some worry about this being kind of rebounding. Because I hadn't had much experience kind of dating in general a been a series of kind of long-term relationships. Wait till you got married after high school. My first wife We we didn't been married very long less than a year. It was one of those things that we should have realized. It was a mistake before the wedding but just talked it up to stress about getting ready for the wedding and then realized. Oh no they're fundamental problems. Married fly gas dislike time line. How low you when you and your wife Mad. I was twenty four. Okay so then you are laid out like twenty two like right out of college Got Married to my first wife Twenty three at kind of a protracted college career I had started going to school in Denver stopped moved to San Diego started going to school there so before the first wise. What was your dating experience life. Were you only dating? Women are yes. So how and. When did you come out and realized that you're bisexual really just a couple of years ago? It was one of those things that in hindsight stuff seems obvious but I never really considered it that much. Because I'm I know I'm attracted to women so as straight was just kind of seemed like the default but it was a couple years ago and so what has thirty five thirty thirty five.

00:20:04 - 00:25:01

I started noticing that I was with C. Attractive man and you have a response that I wasn't expecting And those were clarification for myself. Is that at thirty five. You fully embrace your bisexuality but you said before that you had seen signs of it. What were some of those signs just kind of like a an appreciation of active man that I just thought everyone thought that way I didn't have the aversion to spill scantily clad men are homosexual content that some of my other straight friends. Did you know I've always kind of felt? I don't know if it's like an affinity or kinship for for the LGBT community. But it was something that you know. I I wrote office at best ally ship. Never really it applied to me so when you realize that you are bisexual how did you deal with it internally internally took a lot of wrestling because it was something that's I had never considered before and I had to think about. Is this actually the case? What does it mean if it is? I had a lot of fear about what it meant for my marriage. Because that's not what either of us were considering even married for at this point ten years and yeah how many children do too and at this point to you haven't had any experiences with men no so basically your first wife than your current life. Those are your experiences. I dated a little bit before my first wife Button. I'd never had any any experiences with anyone other than women got it. So the reason why reach out to you because you had that coming out message on facebook and I was so taken aback by it because it was so like boo. I'm here right guys. This is an announcement in go. Chris obviously leading up to this facebook announced this press release of sorts. You had to come out in more private ways. So who was the first person you came out to The first person I came out to was my wife my wife Meg I had been internally wrestling with it for a few months and trying to figure out how to sell her because I knew that she was the first person I needed to tell. You know she's my wife. She's the most important person in my life. She needs to know this about me. `But like what you actually said to her. Let's take a quick break and acknowledged that the world is crazy right now but we hope you're all staying safe and healthy. We also think you should treat yourself to some good wine. I leave as wind subscription. That has all the perks of exclusive without the price tag for data listeners. Only you'll get six bottles of award-winning wine. For only twenty nine ninety five this includes free shipping for a year and with US offer. You'll also get ten dollars off for second quarter. I leave offers. One hundred percents satisfaction guaranteed from personal. Experience the boxes get better and better each time. Because they learn more about your preferences after each box. I'm currently on my fifth box. And there's just Argentinian wine in there that I can't even begin to describe how gorgeous it is so remember sign up with our link and you'll get six bottles of wine for twenty nine ninety five plus free shipping for a year. Just go to try. I leave dot com slash dateable. Remember to rate every bottle from your first box. So you get ten dollars off your next shipment. That's try I leave dot com slash d. a. t. e. l. e. now back to the show. Do you remember like what you actually said to her. Do because I had been thinking about it and I still managed to watch it. Yes She had made some kind of joke about around coming out day. And is she made it. Just as offhand joke nothing mean-spirited nothing like that but I just it caught me off guard because I'm had this woman of I can go along with her joke but that seems like I'm directly lying to her or I can pull the trigger and come out now and she noticed fire action before said anything notice something was bothering me and Basically there there are men. I find attractive and from there. We had a long conversation about it what that meant how long. I'd been trying to figure this out. I as a couple of days later before I even said the word bisexual that myself out loud in did you expressed her that you wanted to explore this beyond just finding men attracted. I didn't My main concern when I came out was keeping the marriage out was and I thought that would happen is I would tell her. This say this is something new obscure about myself. Now you know and our life would just go back to normal so you came out to her with the intention of staying in the marriage you just wind her to know this other layer of who you are. Yeah so current day. Have you acted on this? No it's it is something.

00:25:01 - 00:30:11

We've talked about Warren depth floods. We have come to the conclusion that the best thing for our marriage is just is to remain monogamous. I am still bisexual I acknowledge is actions that I have just like when I find other women attractive. I don't act on. Do you feel like repressed at all or are you okay with this? That's a tricky question. I it is taken some time and some therapy but I I've gotten to a place of peace with it. I think it bothered me for awhile. Mostly that I hadn't figured this out earlier in life man I could have explored it without damaging marriage or anything like that. Or you know fundamentally changing my marriage but right now that's in those regrets in desires. I have are less important to me then. The relationship I have with my wife and the life and family we built together when you first came out to make what was her reaction of surprise definitely and at first she was a little unsure because it was completely out of the blue for her end. I think there was a feeling that you know if I was springing this on her what else might come up. It was one of the things that if I had known earlier I would have told her earlier. I just hadn't process this for myself yet. Right what about your children? Do they know they do the action. The reaction was less apprently kind of took it in stride. I think Holding Your Children Chris. Right now they are ten and seven. How do you come out to children? But if you say to them I think the first time it came up we were talking about different peoples orientation because my youngest was probably five at the time you. They're starting to learn the difference between boys and girls in relationships and stuff and we were talking about how different people. It's not just men being attracted to women. There's different ways that that can happen in the world and I use myself as as an example along with the innocent you. There are women who are only cinnamon like your mom and there are people who are interested in both women and like me and then he goes. Zampa These friends we have that are in both men who are married to each other and just kind of show. It was as an example of all the different ways that that love and attraction can show up in the world I also feel like the younger generation is just much more fluid with sexualities if you totally surprised Okay Fine You. What's your what's your point if they pretty much took it in stride They have since then become some of my most strident supporters. They will cover the bisexual flag on just about anything with paper and markers more colorful. Yeah and the other thing is They both skate. Junior Roller Derby and their team marches in the local pride parade every year. So I've gone done that with them so haven't your friends and family react because I guess just hearing this from the facebook posts that you mentioned. I would've thought I would've assumed you were exploring like did they. Those options a couple of people have those people who have asked. If that's something I'm doing I noticed I would get more suctions from people who didn't know me as well that they hear bisexual married person they must be. They must have a open marriage of some sort but no Friends and Family. I think just if they have any assumptions. That hasn't come up it really is. I think they just know it has us as being Chrissa meg remarried. And that's that's the extent of it. Has there been any challenges with coming out your family. There haven't S- Other than my own nervousness. It took me a while after After coming out to meg to get up the courage until them. Because it's it's one of those things that I needed to figure out how to come out because it's not like anything majors changing rise. Just here's the information that I want you to have in your opinion since nothing. Major is changing. What does coming out mean to you? It means being more honest with myself about who I am is opened up some possibilities. You that I'm not. I'm not exploring this romantically or or physically with anyone but I am trying to get a little more involved in the local. Lgbtq community and it's had be reexamining other options. I've made about my life in one of the more notable ones is that my I keep my nails painted. Now you had these assumptions of you know. I'm a masculine straight guy in. That's just not done. And what can pulse you to be vocal on social media in public part of it was that it was coming out today and I want people to know that part of me as a being true to myself aspect ends so that you know five run into friends at a pride event or something.

00:30:11 - 00:35:07

They're not surprised at what I'm doing there and part of it is. I spent a lot of my life. Repressing this Because I think it subconsciously shameful to me so I want for myself to appear proud about it and for other people to see that you know this is who I am. I'm fine with it. I'm happy I'm still living the life that I that I wanted to. I spent so much time hiding it for myself that I don't want to hide. Its at all anymore. What about like anything? That doesn't threaten your relationship like porn or a gay bar. Yeah I'll go to gay bars. Those are things that we've discussed on a case by case basis. And it's not something I've taken her up on but mega said that. If I want to go out and flirt with someone a little bit. That's fine you just not taking it anywhere beyond a surface level flirting. GotTa I guess in a way if you think about it. This is a very similar situation to someone. Let's say didn't date much at all and got married to their. I Love Yup. And then maybe like ten years after being married they they come to realize that they're attracted to other people right and they want their partner to know without threatening the relationship is it's a very similar kind of scenario. Just men this is is part of Hawaii. I'm attracted to other people. I'm not I'm not going to act on it but I want to feel fully comfortable embracing the fact that I am attracted to many other people. There is that and that that's something that's even before this. You know we in either of US pretend that the other one would never find anywhere else. Attractive is just now some of whom we find attractive overlaps occasionally and we compare notes about which celebrities. We think you kind of fun. Yeah what about poor? What about Gay Porn? That actually has come up but is not a huge issue so an aspect of life that I don't talk about as much on social media is that I work in the porn industry. Do Yeah I worked for a company that processes content for cable and on demand companies. So basically we get the video in. We've edit it to their standards and send it out So all off all day long does not have much recreational for me at this point. Because it's it's just work and the plus side that did kind of help as I was figuring things out is I had easy access to all sorts of pornography and could figure out that more of it were truly than I've had originally zoomed. I'm just curious 'cause I think I would assume this would happen when you came out. Did anybody come out in proposition? You know no one has I have one friend who said that. He thought when we first met that I was coming onto him which I hadn't pin but yeah no. No one is known proposition to be. No one is Hit on me or anything like that and have you started to kind of refine your taste in men. Have you identified like a certain? Look that you're very attractive to. I don't know if I've narrowed it down to a look. I kind of I know what I like in on a case by case basis. But I wouldn't I wouldn't be able to identify a type so has there been any changes to your relationship. Not really there have been some challenges. It took us a little bit of time to settle into accepting this new aspect of who I am and I think there was trying to figure out how to phrase it there was. I guess that make had the initial concern of you know if I'm just finding this out. Now what else is there? Left to find out And for my own part I needed to find to narrow down what I could do it to express this in to fulfill the side of me. That wasn't going Soo- threaten her hurt her or marriage and how did she feel about like you? Socially coming like putting this on social media like publicly coming. She was a little cautious about it. At first I had said something. Just like a quick one line posts Earlier on facebook before the long one that I think are tension on coming out day last year. She had requested that when I did that. I let her know ahead of time so she could put something up. You know for a mutual francine insane. Yes I know about this kind of head off concerns from her friends because I think she actually got more. She had more concerned responses than I did. Able either assuming that it meant we were gonNA open a burr marriage or that we were going to end our marriage.

00:35:08 - 00:40:04

And did she have any of those concerns like that? You would actually want to really explore or in the marriage. She did and figuring out Because she was kind of their close to the beginning while I was still figuring out what all I wanted. We had to sort out some of that together. We had a lot of long discussions about the possibility of opening the marriage. And whether that would be feasible before coming inclusion that wouldn't reach that conclusion a lot of talking about what it would look like if we did And discussing it with a marriage counselor and it came down to that. There was really no way to do it. That would that both of us would be happy with and that would that we could be sure wouldn't threaten the marriage in in terms of like your film it with the current arrangement like I guess what else like besides opening it up which doesn't sound like that's on the table. Is there any other needs that you have to explore further your sexuality not really a once once we have settled into what our marriage is going to look Lake She's been a lot more comfortable with me in going out to gay bars or meet up sir or things like that are volunteering with the local community center and going to pride and things like that and that's kind of fulfills that need for me. Okay do you see that changing at all? I know tired to the future. It is hard to say but I'M NOT LOOKING FOR THAT TO CHANGE. Flew right now. I think my of my concentration is largely on on Megan's on the kids Which you attended a seven year old. Take up enough my time as yeah. That's true I don't know time today. Date at those guys look them ventured holiday. Make sense then. What advice would you have for someone else in a similar situation that basically is struggling with coming out with their sexuality when they may be married or more involved in like a Hetero normative relationship my advice would be to really look at what is going to be best on an individual basis For me that was coming out. I tweet wife and then my friends and family than to the community at large but I know not. Everyone is in that situation. I would not advise someone to end a perfectly a relationship. That's perfectly happy and functional over that one thing in less. Staying closeted is due for more than listenership that makes sense. It makes so much sense to me because what fascinates me about your situation. Is that when people think about coming out? Think about like sacrificing or some monumental change or like a major heartbreak of some sort in like backlash. But you've you're keeping your life the way you're just telling people. Hey I have another side of me that I just discovered and I'm fully embracing it but it doesn't change my relationship yet. Nothing has changed except for just even a more fuller person. I think what you're saying is profound to me because I think one. Youtube took the necessary steps to see a counselor to talk through the options of maybe opening up. The marriage of what are some other options and then to mutually coming to this conclusion. Of Hey you are number one to me and this relationship is priority. So I don't WanNa do anything to damage it. I just want to let you know this other side of me. Yeah that's what marriage is about totally. That's a great segue to some of our. Keiko is on this whole discussion. So yeah thank you for sharing. I do WANNA start off with any takeaways that you have what I always think about. Is that your relationship will never stay. The same relationships change throughout the years throughout the decades and for anybody who gets into a marriage thinking. It's going to stay the way it is. Just you're being ignorant right so I think it's great for two people to stay open minded and know that we're constantly changing constantly evolving. And if you truly love someone and you accept them for who they are and you have to be open to the person they will become later. I think my biggest one is that just because you have this change of sexuality doesn't mean that you have to necessarily act on it and I think like I did make that assumption. That like your marriage drastically changed to from hearing that in your basically saying like this is just another side of me.

00:40:04 - 00:45:00

And I'm now embracing this community. I'm embracing Qu I really am but I'm also keeping things as they were. There's some changes and we're working through though is but for the most part were keeping our marriage Naga ass- that is just the two of us in. I'm not acting on the sexuality for the community. You know you're saying that you find yourself more involved with the community now. Have you found other couples who were in a similar situation thus actually been kind of one of the challenges is? I haven't found very many people in relationships like ours that the one exception is actually another friend of mine from growing back in Fort Collins. She is bisexual in an outwardly appearing. Header normative relationship in married to a man other than that in most of the the couples. I meets aren't aren't monogamous or in some way aren't That hetero normative that just proves another takeaway is that we just can't judge other couples. Yes I have no idea what's going on in a relationship and outward appearance wise. I'm sure some people have senior pose and said Oh there goes that marriage right in little. Do they know that it's actually strengthened your relationship with your wife versus other couples who who appear perfectly happy. Who may be going through their own things so we just can't judge other people for their own journeys I think the other takeaway have. Is that coming out in. Sexuality is much of a spectrum and I think like there there could be a notion that you are fully embracing in hooking up with every man in sight but then there's also the side of just like I find men attractive and I'm willing to say that in that to me is coming out so I think people can come out along that spectrum and should be open to wherever that takes them. Yeah all right any other thoughts for US Chris. Not really no Covered the things. That's as adults talk about. I think what are you? What do you think are next steps for you meg? Do you think this is like a conversation that you'll revisit in a few years? Or how does that work Right now we're doing is just kind of taking what we know works and concentrating on that this is definitely proved to us. That relationships evolve over time. And we're not the same people who got married ten years ago. We have a decade worth of experiencing growth. And I think being more open to talking about where we are and what we want out of life and how we can help each other and the family as a whole get the most out of life and our best relationship. Thank you so much Chris for sharing your story and for being open about the your relationship your marriage and also your dynamic with your wife at. I almost wish that we had her on the line too. Because I just want to really say what impressive wonderful woman to be so you know like so loving in this whole situation on it. Can't it can't be easy because it's almost like your husband saying am fully attracted to other people who look nothing like your also at the same time being firm in my need of monogamous relationship to Yup really great. Cool all right. Let's wrap this up guys. We want to hear stories from you. It's through stories like this that we can learn from each other that help us evolve as human beings and also help you in a relationships as well so let us know if you like to be a guest on our show or if you know someone who would be great for last or if you've had a similar situation with a different outcome we'd also like to hear from you if let's say you have opened it up or you have explored other possibilities and like you heard from Chris. He hasn't found other couples who are in a similar situation. So you are someone going through. Pretty much exact. Same thing as Chris Meg. We be happy to introduce you guys and you know maybe talk to each other and share some experiences are. Let's wrap this up. Stay a the dateable. Podcast is part of the FROLIC podcast network. Five more podcasts. You'll love at frolic dot media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation. I follow us on Instagram. Facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcasts. Tag Any post with a Hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts then head over to our website dateable PODCASTS DOT com there. You'll find all the episodes as well. As articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. Roseau downloadable for free on spotify apple podcast. Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.