Are you where you thought you'd be at 30? 40? 50? Especially when it comes to finding love, we're diving in with Christina Bradley, the author of 'Which way to Happiness?', to discuss why there's so much pressure to finding 'The One' by a certain age. We discuss why certain milestone years are such triggers, how you can start living on your own timelines, and how to create your own happiness no matter where you are in life.
Check out Christina's book 'Which way to Happiness?' (formerly 30): https://amzn.to/3aFuFMV
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Season 11 Episode 1: Trust in your timing
00:00:00 - 00:05:15
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
Hey everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable show all Abou- modern dating, and as we've talked about with so many other episodes on the show. We're not just about baader dating stories or tips or advice we like really dig. Yes. We dig deep. into. The whys why people do the things they do why do people say that Shit that they do I mean it's just like it's so interesting to find the motivators as opposed to actions, and that's how we can change behavior is when we find out why people do the things they do so really exciting season eleven were full on double digits now. Barely scratching. But we're legit double digits and also this year has been unprecedented for many reasons. So season ten, a lot of it was about covid corentin dating Cova dating social distancing but I think season eleven, Julie Disagree with me if you must. Eleven about moving past this moving pass looking forward to what is going to happen to deigning not just Oh, poor UN were stuck in the data but like how can we use it in our favor I mean I think like it or not? We're in a world of new normal I. Think we're actually on the cusp of a major dating shift again like I think the APPS when they launched that was like the first like major shift in things have progressed from there but now in this new world and it's no longer like maybe I'll wait till this whole thing passes but this is kind of like the world we're going to be in and I think there's going to be so. Many things that happen in the next couple of years even I mean, hopefully, we find a vaccine or not like all living in fear all the time. But the reality is probably GonNa have an economic fallout. There's a lot that's happened that as let people deep deeper and dig a lot into their own relationships and really bring to the surface like what matters in terms of love in life and I think that isn't GonNa Go Away I. Think we are going to be more intentional They're still going to be held even with a vaccine like things that we did like I. Love when you say this, but we like the Oprah's of kissing that we were just give a kiss to everyone. Indicated mean anything and I think we're starting to see why that was problematic and for all the people that want to go back to the way dating was I feel like why? Because it's kind of the why again it's like so much of modern dating people complain about there's a lot of beauties in modern dating is what we found on the podcast but all this stuff that we've complained about like this is giving less as another fresh slate like start over again in like big grow what we want dating relationships to look like. I. Think it's a really exciting time. I mean it's a it's detrimental what the world. is going through but instead of sulking in what's happening, we can persevere yet and I keep using that word I season eleven we're gonNA. Talk about perseverance what does that look like and I think for so long mater dating has has been the Yelp of dating, which is everybody just wants to fucking complain about what is wrong why do people do? This is terrible behavior as we move forward to the future of modern dating can we turn that into a more positive way of looking at dating I think coming out of quarantine. So when people have had some really stellar experiences, even of these relationships didn't last pass quarantine. Meaningful said they were before covert, which is fantastic. I think people also even if they weren't dating there during this time people the self awareness, the people like I think everyone bitches about dating behavior and then you have to look at yourself and it's like are you doing the exact same things? I feel like nine times out of ten you probably are. Myself included I. Know I I'm sure some random on a dating site would be like who is this person? You know just ignoring me or doing whatever like people are human they might fuck up from time to time and that doesn't make them a terrible person and I like this evolution of the podcast like it started off almost as Oslo kind of like. Dating. Story this annoying behavior, and then we've kind of evolved. Okay like we what is all the stuff that we were ingrained from like an early age and like how do we get out of that too now like why do we think the way that we do and like why do we act a certain way in like how do we? Use The wise to make the love lives that we want like what's the point in bitching? Let's use what we have to make it work for us and speaking of evolution.
00:05:15 - 00:10:01
Some of you have been loyal listeners for a long time, and some of you are coming through through another channel, which is my old youtube channel called Asmaa single fide where I gave dating advice to men and I've we've now merged the two now dateable has become missing I actually missing fight has become dateable I'm retiring miss single name but doesn't mean that this is relevant to you. I. Think this is even more relevant I want to welcome some of the new old. Viewers and listeners, and for those of you who are coming from my youtube channel I will tell you this right. Now I'm am I still stand behind some advice I gave you in ten years ago but I do think I offered lots of temporary solutions to dating conundrums but with this podcast Julian I are really on this mission to find some permanent. Solutions that may take time that may take a little bit of personal development self-reflection effort therapy. You know like takes time, but you're going to see long lasting solutions and benefits from what we talk about on this podcast. So even though everything I still stand by everything I talked about in the past the evolution of dating advice has changed now we're into deeper. Understanding of why people the way they do and how we can change your own behavior to take control of our love lives and this is Julie by the way. Yeah for anyone I know. I've been grasping on this and one of our hosts in our facebook group. So Bernie, when we do this really awesome facebook call group called love in the time of Corona where we have a weekly happy hours and just the community is super supportive. So if you're not in that now like definitely recommend going over there and one of our hosts I was talking to him earlier today and. He said that what dateable means to him is that your dateable or you need to dateable at every stage of a relationship like John, having a relationship like it doesn't stop there because he's like there's so many that are good at dating but bad at relationships in its when you stop showing up for your partner and he stopped putting in the effort in stop doing all this stuff. That's when. Relationships fall apart. So being dateable doesn't mean being single it means doing the deeper work having that emotional Iq I feel like that word keeps coming out with everyone listens to this show and I think that's something that's really unique about our listeners and the community here is that everyone is just so open and so willing to do the work and not just pass blame on the city they. Live in or the people on the APPS all of that. So I don't know I just thought it was really nice way to put it and the work doesn't stop after you find a relationship. The work doesn't stop after you get married like that's just not the way it works or you might be back in the single dating scene. If that's the case that's such a profound way of saying. What we've been trying to say on our podcast about this evolution of dating I think we really want to offer the Non Rom com solution to do what I mean by that is Rom coms always stop at two people get together and then the credits roll and you just assume everything's perfect and that's basically what my dating advice was before to how to get the girl right. But then I don't talk about what happens after you do get the girl because that's you getting someone is less than half the battle it really is. Still have to you have to have a relationship with them and grow that relationship. So thank you for bringing that up because that is that is exactly what we want to do with dateable and speaking of I love that he defined dateable that way we asked for anybody who joins are very secret secretive. Of Private facebook group, we ask the question what does dateable mean to you and we mentioned this a few episodes ago but I wonder read some the recent answers. That have been really great One person said being ready to date being healthy and do what is needed to take care were issues that come up and bring your best self to the dating relationship That's very similar to what we were talking about beating being dateable means continually working on myself and making positive growth while trying to date, it means making sure I look inward while also looking outward for people might. Want, to be with I'm seriously by mind blown by just the emotional intelligence of our listeners I really like every single time I learned something different that facebook group every day I'll give you one more. There's so many but this was good. This one's fantastic to to stop blaming other people for their dating behavior and looking at my own space for improvement. Yes. Yes and I think we said this doesn't stop after you've.
00:10:01 - 00:15:07
Found partner like ben new stuff comes in like you have to navigate conflict it doesn't end just because you have a partner and also it's is this the right relationship I'll speak for myself and love to hear your thoughts. But like throughout the five years that we've been doing this, we've both been single at some points we've been in relationships other points I personally feel like I have learned just as much I'm. In a relationship as when I'm single because I think we're like we definitely love to talk about like the hacks you can do on dating apps and all that stuff. But I think what would people have been saying to me because we've been talking to a lot of our listeners about what is different about this dating podcast and all the billion of others that are out there in one of the things it's Kebab. Not that we fixate on these like small things like the small tactics, the big picture of like dating and relationships and yourself in self love and it's like the whole picture of what that landscape looks like. So I think it's something for everyone and I don't think learning ever stumps. It never stops and never becomes irrelevant because now I mean for NBC News Us Julie. Single I'm relationship and I've had this question before where actually my friend asked me the other day she's like now you've been dating someone for two years our did you stop doing your dating podcast knows like no no I, need to do my dating. Even, more because I'm learning so much more about my own relationship with myself. Just through this podcast, I'm not trying to toot our own horn here. So Weird toot our own horn. Is that the right Pace. I'm not trying to make boasts says it like make us look really good here I think what we're both trying to say here is we've both benefited so much the conversations we've had on dateable and that's why we keep going. That's why we're on season eleven because we you never stop learning. Yeah. Well, it's not boasted ourselves. It's to garb easing guests that we have that like start to like make you really think of things and like what you want in a relationship what you want out of life like all of that stuff is big picture things. So yeah, and we have these really insightful conversations and they seem like they're just kind of silly like our would you rather? So anybody new coming in every Wednesday on her instagram at dateable. We post a would you rather question and we have people vote on it and honestly like the questions may seem really simple but they elicit such fascinating conversations. So the one we had last week was, would you rather in a relationship? Would you rather be the retailer or the settler and Julia? You can explain a little bit more because you love. And Barney's the one that came up. No. It might've been. Like with Marshall and Lily, who's been like a couple since college they were talking about who's the return who's the settler, and there's always a richer in a relationship and always a settler whether you agree with that or not. That show is also league donelly ten years ago like I think some of the humor doesn't necessarily transfer over, but I did love the show at the time but I think that statement is interesting. The responses were very interesting. Well, what would you would be your and so I did actually vote in the Paul I voted through my personal instagram. I. I you know I went back and forth I ended up voting richer because I think what it is. They're SOM- connotation with settling even though settlers in theory, you might be more comfortable in your relationship way more of an equal relationship. It's probably the stuff that you actually do want in the long term relationship but there is something about and I'm not a promoter of teams and dating by any means but there is this human psychology that if you work for something A. Bit You feel like it's more valuable and I don't think that you need to do it like at the level of like, Oh, I'm not GonNa Return his tax for three hours and remaking put stay on his toes or anything like that. But I do think if like you're constantly just bending over backwards and doing whatever like you do seem less valuable and it's more like, Oh, I'm settling. So I think settling what you're settling on can be very different in what you're reaching. Is Very different. But that was the logic I used when I answered the would you rather what would you pick? So I'm the total, opposite Oh. Because I my legs are tired from chasing motherfuckers for so many years and I think that's the connotation with the retailer is that you constantly chase ABC partner there with their not within reach and I think with the settler I agree I don't like the negative stigma around settling but I do think there's something nice about settling where You have come to accept the relationship in a comfortable way that's sustainable.
00:15:07 - 00:20:08
I also think that for me attraction grows over time chemistry gross overtime. So the kind of definition of settling maybe in the beginning, there isn't much of a romantic interest and there's a friendship, and then slowly you develop that into a romantic relationship. So I would prefer to be the seller, but I would also say this in any given relationship you and your partner, a will always switch roles. Yes, I think. That's a really good point because I feel like there were times in my last relationship that I'm like I feel like I'm putting in more effort and I remember like of my best friends who is married you know has been married for a while she's like it changes over time and then when she said it, I like really did think about the relationship in there were definitely times where it was flipped sometimes, it depends on what else is going on in someone's life like what other band with they have happening it's always going to be fifty I'm definitely someone that wants an equal relationship, but I think the part that I've had like changed the. Way I think over time is it might not always be fifty fifty it might right you're giving seventy and they're giving thirty at one point, and then that flips just when it's consistently you giving like seventy them giving thirty. That's when there's a problem that's exactly it. You don't want to always be the retailer or always be settlers you just you gotta balance out your relationship but also know sometimes you may love your partner more than they love you. That is okay. Goes back and forth I think it also is defining what a richer and what a settler means because I feel like it's just the settler terminology is so bad right but it's like A. Richer to someone could be you know they have a great job early like they are so established or they're so. Full whatever may be but I think as long as you respect your partner, you're excited by them then you're not settling in any way. So it's a tough one in that regards but I like I love the would you rather is because I think it really does when you're constrained to two options it makes you think about your thought process. So what do you think our audience picked meaning the results? Are I'm GonNa Guess Recher you're right fifty, eight percent. So actually not that much. It's pretty percent richer forty two percents that learn by what was interesting in the beginning the first twelve hours of this poll. It was opposite Oh fled Adler was winning insurance I did. Reach, her was Richard took the lead. So for anyone that hasn't heard yet anyone knew we are going to be doing a, would you rather every Wednesday on instagram and then revealing the answer said, definitely make sure you're following message at dateable podcast and also our other big announcement is that we have a newly formed website. I feel like this has been a labor of love for a while it really excited tell our story better. Let you guys get to know us. We have some really great photos that we took with our photographer Larry Wong and I don't know I think it really does represent us a lot better than our old websites. So I'm super excited about this. Also, this has been a labor of love for Julie Julie the brains behind our website even old website, which looks stunning. Everybody who's ever been on our website said you guys seemed legit This outside of this work professionally I hope people saying that I hope they're not like this looks like shit she is literally a pro, but this new website has been a labor of love for a long time and I can't wait to reveal this. Because it looks slick. I mean I think that's the thing. It's clean. It's. Informative. So I used a new service web flow, which is really honestly I'm obsessed with ABC low. I. Think this is not like. It because. Okay. So I'm a designer I'm not an engineer like I know basic confronting code but I'm not an engineer. So I think the challenge with the old website it was like not that I had a vision it's just I couldn't execute it fully. But with this, it's like anything is possible. It's amazing. We have a code if you WANNA use it in the show. Notes but highly highly recommended that gives you so much ability. So yeah, very good about the website, and then we also have a section all about the communities. So again, another plug for the facebook group, it's just been such great activity in there and yeah, definitely read up learn more about it. Yeah. Yea. New website new Youtube Channel New Season New I duNno new hair I don't. Even On new things. We're so excited to start season eleven. We've been working on it, recording it and. We should also talk about how what happened yesterday. because. Okay I won't go into like a long story would happen but there's been a heat in San Francisco which means anytime I guess above eighty people freak out like A fucking heat wave.
00:20:08 - 00:25:16
So Julian I and a couple friends, we decide our friend Louise. We talk about all the time we decided to meet up in the mission district where they closed off a street to cars. So there's a it's like you can dine outside without cars. Driving by you, and so we're dining their hot as hell and this guy walks by. has a gone but nothing else on. have yet asking I saw last weekend, which is the best part is I was down there also left again he was totally naked like nothing he got pulled over by a cop last time he didn't have the facemask God. But just literally nothing else on. So this week he had like a net on his Dick Basically, this guy was strolling through like he was at the mall. Like. No just like, Hey, just checking out the street and the people had a backpack on Yup, which I thought was interesting. That little backpack on and a little penis mask and a full face mask and just. A. Very San Francisco things going to say it doesn't even faze me anymore I love them. But I feel like I've been in quarantine hustle. I of forgot what San Francisco was like. Ensuring naked dude with a huge as Pena's but. If we say. Take itself selecting. Walker out of. And I'm like. Well, he's. He's got it right? It's it's hot. So we're you know like he's he's got the right idea there. So we had so much fun yesterday. I had a really good I think it was one that we've found this place that had the most amazing watermelon Margaritas they gave you a literally half a watermelon like sliced shallow doubt and they must have mixed the actual watermelon with Margarita, it was. Literally the best thing I've ever tasted but I think also we just had really fun conversations and I think one of the things that I've enjoyed about quarantine or post quarantine life I. Guess we're in like this next phase who even knows where we are anymore I mean I definitely hung out with like your boyfriend before quarantine but it was always did in I feel like it was like a big group like you not. Like hung out alone. I don't mean. We actually got every week. We just don't tell you. I'm just kidding no no, I don't even like that. With you but I think it was always like you bring your friends. He brings his friend and it was like a big group of was harder to like have those conversations. But yesterday it was like him and his friend, and then a couple of our friends who better in small groups. So I think it was really nice to just be able to get to know people in like do that more one on whatever group we're not one on one. Yeah I thought that was really nice to because you know I'm like such an introvert now since nineteen I like don't want to talk to people especially. Iro but yesterday took a lot of energy automated to get myself there once I was there I was like this is great. I I really miss having people to have a drink and and some great conversations with but when I say eight drink I, think we had like six hundred I was. I was shit face I came home and I fell asleep couch and nine pm. That's the best part about the cord he'd life or like Ovid life I don't recall a court date where I don't even know what stage where we're like the cloud and it's like your night that used to start at eight pm now everything shuts down by ten PM. So you're you're going out at like four yeah and had dinner at four. Yeah. That's AARP too early birds. That's. When my? Grandma washed. Yeah. No Shit faced by nine usually the restaurants will kinda try to get you out because they want to turn over the tables. The restaurant we were at didn't give a fuck. They like a flag them down. We were literally there from four to seven thirty. Crazy. Never Been. That long and like I can't even remember what but it was just give them a shout out Hawker fare. So good search amazing Southeast Asian food would at the Best Bader Mela Margaritas, that they only have fourteen of order ten before the. Era that you're like shoutout to the place has terrible service because you're not. Sushi we get into the episode for this week because I'm so excited. Of course, people want to know about this episode and why it's a season premiere for us in this conversation was mind blowing to me it's all about the timing of life and making the choices that you want in order to take control of like whatever the other external factors you're facing sounds. So cryptic but this episode is really about trusting timing in Lyon knowing that wherever you are is where you should be I'm actually pulling up a quote that we put on Instagram, which was literally the most popular quote we ever put up it said no, but seriously normalized finding love in your forty normalize discovering.
00:25:16 - 00:30:04
And Chasing New Dreams in your thirties normalized finding yourself in your purpose in your fifties life doesn't end at twenty five stop acting like it does. So our our Gas Christina Bradley. Her book originally was called Thirty 'cause it's basically about just like what happens when you turn thirty in that freakout moment that you're not in the place that your life was supposed to be, and she actually ended up renaming the book to which way to happiness because it really goes beyond just thirty. It's like any timing of your life like it's really about like defining like what society is telling you that you must accomplished by. Certain timelines, and then realizing like one is even what I want and then to being like who says I need to do it by this time so I think that's why we wanted to with this episode two is because especially during Kovin in Corentin, I think a lot of people have been feeling this stress of okay. Losing valuable dating time. Maybe I'm like wanting to get married or have children and it's like, Oh, another whole year I'm going to be single and I think it's it's easy to think that way like I omit that I've definitely had thoughts like that too I'm not gonNA lie and Say That I didn't but I think it's really just like understanding. It's not a perfect science and the stress of doing that is going to let you kind of lose out on potentially some amazing things that are happening at the same time. The problem is anytime. We've reached some sort of milestone age none of us have reached our fullest potential of what we think that age should be in our mind, right? Like nobody's ever turned thirty and said I accomplish everything I wanted at thirty nobody turned forty which I'm going to be next year and said, oh my gosh, is this exactly picture my life at forty But we need to just get rid of these external freshers of what your life should be like as certain milestones and start setting milestones for yourself like rewrite the script here. Why do you need to follow this journey that other people you need to be on I? Mean I think a lot of this is going to stop start breaking down over time I. Guess if we're GonNA throw some predictions. Of, where we think dating is going is I do think that people are normalizing this like I think the way the quote was ridden really well is I mean if you look like years ago like we heard candace style who a past guest of ours say that like when she wrote sex in the city, like were like a leper if you are not married or single at thirty, right and I. Think it's it's gradually shifting that there's not as much of an emphasis like some of that remains kind of comes full circle to what we were talking about earlier is there is this stuff from the past that we still have in our minds and we need to question where is it coming from like? Why do we feel this way? Is it because we actually feel this or is it because? We have inflicted pressure I. Think once we can like the pressure go in once society in media as a whole shift more I think that's when we can really start to live life and be comfortable. It's thriving in the now. Yes that's what it is and I really hope this period has trained us to really appreciate the now. No Wayne, how can you make any plans for a week from now? Even. So it's great to think about like you know the decisions you've made for your life right now. Even if you question them know that you you stand behind those decisions and you can't control what the future holds you have. No idea with outcome is at least you can control how you feel in the moment today and how you can feel better in the moment today. That's why love this. This conversation so much. It's not so much about Oh if I do this now we'll. We'll be the outcome in the future. You've no fucking clue nobody can predict that you even like even. Someone who has like a magic eight ball cannot predict that gate bulk crystal ball whatever what about national? Maybe some people can predict the normal human being cannot predict it. So really trust in the timing of your life about the medium that we're going to have later on the podcast. She can predicted, but only she can. She's the only with superpowers. You see the sweat dripping down my neck right now this is how hot it is in San Francisco's crazy. I actually turn my fan off because of this record like okay and we need to sued because it is frigging hot but I guess that's a good segue without further ado. Let's let's hear from Christina. Yes. Please fan on. Do.
00:30:04 - 00:35:04
You remember when you turn thirty and if you haven't turned thirty yet I hate you. Getting Darlie. I remember turning thirty with such a big deal to me and I do feel like I don't know if it's just a mental thing physical thing but I felt like things changed overnight for me Oh. Yeah. I. There were just all of a sudden the night after I turned thirty. I thought what am I doing with my life it was like it was more pronounced that my quarter life crisis do you remember when you turn thirty Giulio absolutely I think it's like there's this expectation that you're like in adults. Like you have no excuses anymore you can't be like, I'm just dumb and twenty. Thirty year like I. Yeah. I people people have kids people have real jobs. You're you're expected to perform a certain way in life and to contribute to society, which really freaked me out because I remember being thirty and still being some like trying to be an actress in new. York and a dating coach and this and that like six thousand different things living in this tiny shoebox of an apartment and just feeling like I. Just didn't. I didn't have figured out. Yeah. I think for me to like I feel like in my twenties I had a lot of fun like there was a up until I was like in my late twenties I didn't really even desire relationship like I moved to San Francisco when I was twenty five I was really just like building my own life having fun going out with friends hooking up you know just really no commitment. In then I think it started to like air when I was like getting towards thirty now like that was starting to creep up and then once thirty hit like I was like I'm ready for something. So there is definitely a shift for sure with relationships and that's exactly why we brought on our guest today because she wrote a book called which way to happiness formerly called thirty her name is Christina Bradley is so this book. Is a fictional book that is all about the pressures of turning thirty especially when you aren't where you imagine life and you believe that happiness is based on one thing meeting the one she's now in her late thirties currently lives in St Leonard's on sea in England, and it's originally from Lincolnshire England and spent some years in London? Where you're currently I wear is Lyn Saint Leonard's on sea this just sounds so magical it really What are you surrounded by? The C. which is gorgeous. It's. And lots of noisy. How far is it from London? It's about an hour and a half. Okay and I was living in I was living in London for a long time and then I actually left London a move to Bacelona. But moved back to the UK and felt like I still really needed to be by the sea so. Yeah now it in his own C., which is very charming. That sounds lovely. It sounds like it's in some magical movie where these two characters decide to take a vacation there like let's go to St Leonard's on sea. That's what I imagine. It's like where people in movies go to. Right I feel like it might sound more magical than it potentially is in reality. I was GonNa say we just utter tourist destination, but now I met early well done. Magical don't worry about it. Don't come. Google. I'M GONNA change my zoom virtual background to that tomorrow. See recognizes. Name. where I am so Christina. Monogamous relationship, what was your own life like before you turn thirty and why was turning thirty such a big deal I really think as as I was listening to you introduce me and and the book I was kind of nodding along because I was in exactly the position that you were talking about I had been single pretty much all of the twenties and hadn't actually worried so much about that. I was very happy being single I was enjoying myself. I wasn't really looking to settle down and then asked thirty started creeping in and I could sort of see it on the horizon I was like Oh my God things are getting a bit serious here. AM. I. Suddenly realized like everybody around me is now in a relationship and I'm not in this doesn't feel so much like this is about me deciding when I'm going to have a relationship it's actually about when is this person GonNa turn up and the reality that Oh my God then note and they haven't, and so when will they and I suppose feeling this pressure that because that person hadn't Arrived everything was being held back as a result thirty was a real catalyst for all of these thoughts in Israel sort of coming of age, and I wasn't alone the big inspiration behind this. You actually was all of the women in my life who were in a similar position and we were all sharing these very, very similar conversations and it felt like something of a sort of an epidemic actually where. I probably shouldn't say. Genuinely at the time that was how it sal it was just like oh it's all relative.
00:35:05 - 00:40:01
Yeah exactly, it's like, happy days. But yeah, the felt like it was a really big conversation among many of my friends we all say things and I I think something in this and that ultimately was inspired inspired the book. So okay in the Book I love the book by the way definitely recommend for people to read it but the main character, Bella she kind of I guess how much of this is based off you but also she has this freak out moment and basically quits her job leaves. London goes to New York in then sets out like on a road trip across the country to like try to meet the one like like did you have any out moments? Good question. No, and I think. The the book is sort of auto fiction I would say, so while it is. Not My story one, hundred percent. It is definitely taken from my own experiences my own thoughts on dating the scene I was in at the time but I've embellished it for the purposes of fiction of uncertainty that is sort of free couches. I think very good way of describing it happens at the beginning of the book to the central character. It didn't fortunately didn't happen to me because she really does lose the plots but we needed something really big. The people, go Oh, my God. Yes. I I kind of get this. Did you have any friends that freaked out like that like anything but he told me Rollin? No no I think we were all freaking out and it was sort of manifesting in different ways. You know people were going crazy and going on loads and loads of dates. People were kind of drinking just different things and there was definitely this kind of heightened sense of panic around turning. Is. Kind of ridiculous but it was very very presence. Got It. So it wasn't like let's quit my job and do anything and like make a major life change but you had a pan, you have a sense of loom. That was coming definitely one hundred percent yet and I do think the freakout comes in different phases. I'm just thinking back about when I turned thirty I. So the night I turned thirty, I had a Bat Mitzvah 'cause I just wanted to low invited like a hundred of my closest friends I thought it was so bad as I did a dance performance I had a friend sing for me. Another friend made a cake for me I invited all my ex flings. I have my hair done this beautiful dress and the next morning I woke up in the arms of one of the flings and I thought this is not how I want to my thirties the night before was fabulous but I don't Wanna spend the next decade like this. So the freakout moment started that night, but it took two years for the final freak out, which was when I turn around thirty two I went to China on a whim to visit my family and was supposed to be a two week vacation I ended up staying for two years so. If I were to write a book about it. Yes. This would have happened overnight I got rid of all my. The right EXAC yet. Exactly. Going on this trip on a whim and I am going to stay only have one suitcase, but it over did happen over two years but it was definitely a freak out. You know what I actually as of asking you. If this happened to you to get up and quit your job, I just realized I. Quit My job at thirty so larry. Overnight. Eight. Five I decided to leave the East Coast and moved to San Francisco. So that was kind of like my big life moment twenty five in then at thirty I, quit my corporate job that I had for eight years and decided to go out on my own just do my own thing. So it wasn't like in a sense of a relationship, but it definitely was like, oh, my life isn't where I want it to be right now rights. Rights and I think that's the thing that moments of reflection an recognizing disconnect may be between what you imagined. You GonNa. Be By this age and the reality of what you are by that age and it's kind of reconciling the difference and I think that can cool some. One thing that's universal for all is suddenly we feel like we need to Redo and rethink our lives. So then we have all these strategies for example, this idea of Bella accepting challenge go on thirty days in thirty days before she turns thirty is I feel like quite a few of my friends at that as well. They were like, no I got to do something new. There needs to be something drastic in my life where drastic results to. Do you ever try anything like that absolutely absolutely, and I originally when I came up with this idea was very much going to do the thirty date in thirty days and start New York and I was GonNa rise about and I went to visit my friend in New York and we had a wonderful time and we went out and partied, and we did all this great great stuff and I was like, okay this is never gonNa work. fictionalized some of this and just drew on all of my experience.
00:40:01 - 00:45:30
That dates and days is exhausting and I don't think I've. Got It. So you freak out and quit your job, but you did go to New York and try this like thirty dates try to meet. When I had the idea but I think what happened was I had the idea for the book as well. So it was a supposed to double edged thing in line. Is. Material not to rise about. But also I really wonder whether you could committed that much and without focused about it and that's proactive. Would you get the results to looking for I don't know. So that that was. Yeah. That was a very real thought. It just didn't materialize in a very real way. Interesting. What has been your own journey like going from freakout moment turning thirty going on all these dates to now finding yourself in a monogamous relationship. It's been really interesting because also the book took quite a long time to write. So I'm obviously in my late thirties now in the whole publishing process took a long time actually but writing the kinsel was a love for many years and I wrote. The first draft when I was quite close to two turning I just turned thirty. The kind of Iran's wants that he to and then I just sort of left it for quite a long time and I came back to it because it just elect something that was still relevant. It was a story that I really wants to tell into shack and when I came back to it was interesting because. Good few years had passed and so I wasn't in a relationship I was still single but I definitely matured I'd kind of the coming of age that we're talking about intending thirty had passed and I felt comfortable with where I was in my life and who I was one of those things. and. It was really lovely because it meant that there were sort of two sides to this book. I was able to write it from that point of like. freaking out and and be quite kind of. In space and then returns the book from a kind of. weiser place potentially where I was able to kind of look back on that time you know retrospectively and reflective than think okay. Well, what lessons were in that and I think some of the the kind of the deep papa of the story. Is the title which way to happiness because? Yes, it's about meeting somebody, but is also A. Of, self discovery and finding happiness and I feel like that detail came in from returning to the book few years later when I kind of was out of the storm and I was able to reflect mangone. Perspective. That's super interesting because I remember like wasn't like Oh, I need a thirty people before on thirty but I remember I had this like arbitrary like I need to have a boyfriend before my birthday like every year I was like I want a boyfriend that will celebrate my birthday with me. That was like my big day and there was a lot of pressure. 'cause it was like the getting towards like July and I'm like when my birthday is like wait there's no one in the horizon right and I, think it took. Me finally like having your relationship that ironically ended like right before my birthday that I did not actually get to like have that come to fruition and I remember being like, why am I putting pressure on myself but I'm happy right now anyways I don't need necessarily they have this in place by this date in be so rigid and I think that's where like the freak out of thirty kinda comes in is there's a very big time pressure compete component I totally agree I'm I'm pulling up some old scars here so Bear with me I'm just thinking back on what I was thinking about love at the time and I. Remember there was someone that I had dated a few years before I turned thirty who is really into but due to some immaturity issues on my part things did not work out and right around when I turned thirty. He came back into my life and I thought this is it this is the moment I'm turning thirty I'm getting back with the sky everything's going to be great and we had this wonderful night out. Saying. But also just feeling that passionate again and I remember at the end of the day and I told him, I said I said I think you're at I I've been waiting for this and I invited him back to my apartment. He said, I don't think that's a good idea now, but he said I'll call you later he never called me again it was so heartbreaking, and then if this is exactly, I just pulled up this email. Exactly. Two months later when I was already when I was already kind of heartbroken I didn't understand what was going on not to mention the night that we we met up and he refused to come back with me and told me that you call me later someone tried to break into my apartment. So everything was happening once and so a few months later he wrote this email in the subject line was long overdue and he wrote I apologize for never calling that night after I got out of the cab and and you open up to me how you felt I knew that I wasn't in the same same place. Oh Damn. Only see wrote an email do you completely hanging? Yeah he said sorry I was being cowardly I mean that's the longer email but that that really triggered me set it just Lit, this fire inside of me that just kept thinking like, why is it that I'm so dependent on a man in my life to bring my happiness why can't I find that happiness on my own and I have to say from thirty to thirty five was my own personal journey to find happiness for myself.
00:45:30 - 00:50:03
Hosts need same for me. This is like bringing up nobody thinks that I did. I feel like okay. So like tinder came out when I was like twenty eight and I remember like twenty eight to twenty nine just like frantically dating like going on all these dates and I was like saying I wanted a serious relationship but I wasn't really like acting that way and I also had a very toxic like friends with benefits situation that people have been listening for awhile of probably heard any mentioned before as one of the low. Points of my dating life and we actually stopped member like on my before my thirtieth birthday because it was one of those things that up leading up to it, I, remember all my friends being like this guy is like wasting the best year like prime years, and now that you're turning thirty like you need to get your shit in order, right like there was like this like arbitrary line of thirty being like time to really make these life changes. And I remember like for a bit of course, I like relapsed ended up seeing the sky again course thirty like I remember. I was like all strong for my thirtieth birthday and invite them to my thirtieth birthday had like three months later, it was like back to where I was actually like remember finally getting the courage like put my heart on the line because like this has been going on for like two years and I had never been like. The cool girl like, Oh, I don't want a relationship with you and I remember like being like, Hey, can we meet and talk about like what's going on and just like what we're both looking for all that and he refused to me he wouldn't even talk to me. It was like that bad and I remember being like, Okay what the fuck? Doing. Now it's like the trigger moment I'm like this person won't meet for a coffee. They wouldn't even meet for a drink right now. I'm like getting all worked up about this person and I remember taking like a huge break from dating after that and really focusing in this was a long the same time as I quit my corporate job. So I was like trying to really like build up my own self and I think it was huge for me like I gained a lot of. Confidence. Just from doing that like inner work it was the first time I stopped and actually tries to do it. We've mentioned in one of their past episodes of Martin, petit styling used her workbook and all of that and right yeah and started by own business and did all the stuff in at that point is when I actually met someone that was a significant relationship for me. So I think it is like taking that time to really get yourself in a good place like did you have any moments like that. Before you met your current boyfriend, let's take a quick break to address a question. We've been getting a lot which is, how do I find creative outlet during this time? In case you have a notice we hear dateable love cream content, especially fun videos, and we just discovered this fabulous video creation and sharing up called Blackie, which allows you to record and edit videos and connect you with other creators in your area or globally give access to features like special. Effects Music and a bunch of forty graphics. We love how simple it is to use and can record at it and add your own special touches all from your phone. I'm especially hooked on their new feature called life show, which allows you to complete missions from your bucket list in front of your online audience download the likey APP from your APP store today just search L. I k.. E.. In your APP store likey joined the fun and potentially go viral overnight now back to the show. Did have any moments like that before you met your current boyfriend? Yes. So I finished writing the book and I moved to Barcelona and I actually met a guy who I felt madly in love with twist in the tale was that I'd already written a book and in the book, the character meets her kind of main love interest on a plane, a guy called MJ, and this is where it all begins and that's how the adventure stars and so I've just moved to boss Loner and I'm flying back to the UK to visit my sister and this guy on the play and he sat like three rows behind me. and. I'm actually still working on the book like I'm typing away 'cause I was. Busy busy busy. And he just comes up to me and he says, what are you doing? and. Yeah. And I thought I had this moment is. Step into the shoes of the person that I want to be. and. I said, I'm an author and I'm writing my book. Just like the most ridiculous comments anyway, and it was all very random and then he can I sit next to you.
00:50:04 - 00:55:22
Okay Anson we know, and so we ended up sitting next to each other for this like two hour flight and he's A Brazilian which might explain his confidence zoo he came and sat next to me and we had this chat and then We said goodbye the other end and that was sort of and we exchanged numbers but the irony was I just left the UK to move to Bacelona and he had just left Barcelona to move to the you know way. Yes and to be honest I didn't crazy into the onus. I didn't give it so much thought and. Guys very attractive and that was pretty nice but I'm not really in that place. Anyway it's fine. I've just moved to Barcelona and anyway about three or four weeks later I, get a message from him and he moved back on them. Basically, what happened was we this very intense love affair and obviously because in my mind he was the guy in the book it was like I'd already ricin. He was the one he was my one semi create the story in my mind that this orders makes so much sense. This is kind of what I've been being single has been about is being sort of wasting to write a book in all of this to happen now, like he is here and it is him and we had this wool when romance that lasted about re months maybe and we dated and. It moved quickly and then it just ended and he went back who's Zil and that was kind of that was it is a little bit spray. The you know I had got into my mind that I was not time that right now I'm ready to meet someone now to have that really serious relationship and because of the circumstances around it and the kind of magic around I was like well, clearly, it's you. Actually what became very apparent rather the of time together although it was a wonderful chapter in my life, it wasn't him. He wasn't right for me and we had a wonderful time, but I was trying to force it to be him and. When the reality was since like no, it's just not you but that was crushing when not. I was like, Oh my God severely back to square one. You're like I did all this work I like got this to come, and then it's gone again. Right and also when you really think you found that person your imagination you start to run with. No, you've created a whole life together so like. Doubly disappointing when it when it kind of falls apart even though you know deep down, you know okay probably it was for the best. It's still difficult to reconcile. Yeah. I think especially to when you're coming from that place of fear, right? Like especially like azure turning thirty, you're like I need to find someone to find someone and then even when you do a little self were to in like for your case writing the book and getting it out there could therapy it could be whatever it is i. think the next person that comes you think like, Oh, I've solved it like here it is right and then when dot it's right. And Yeah I think it's also like because you're not coming from it as a place like, Oh, I am whole I've done my own self work I'm ready for my partner. It Burns even more. Well, that's also it's also because if feels like the universe gave you all these signs yes person to be yet I me all these moments happened and it's it's your book coming to life. So of course you wanted to last this is also why people who meet in real life versus meeting on dating apps they keep their relationships longer because they feel like they were meant to be. Yes. I find that fascinating. That Ryan 'cause lakeview take me on dating APP you're like Oh this last six months then line. Dating in. Real life like you met by happenstance then you feel like, Oh, the universe this work. Lined the stars aligned and that's part of the false intimacy we feel and these stories we start reading of this Oh dej person with but this person is really brought into our lives for a reason and then they could be a passing ship. Totally. I. Definitely felt that like after done that work and then I met that significant relationship in real life like in an unexpected way, the story was so good that I. Felt like it was meant to be and I agree with you I think like especially with like online dating, it just doesn't have that same lake lost in especially in your case to yours was identical to the book like that is like so hard to kind of feel like that isn't a universal signal yet exactly why do you all think that thirty is such triggering age? What is it? Is it the media's? Portrayal. Yeah. You'd think so I think it's that in also I. Think we talked about this before on some other episodes to it's like in your twenties kind of everyone's on the same page we're all like getting out of college. We're trying to figure out life where like fumbling through relationships, and then when thirty hits everyone starts to go down different paths like some people get like wildly successful some people are having children marriages start like weddings, all of that and I think it really there's a there's a lot of comparison happening and I think social media has like amplified it as well.
00:55:22 - 01:00:04
What do you think prestige to? Yeah I completely agree and I mean that is a huge undercurrent in the book that actually the character is taking a detox from social media because actually has become to present in her life and and really as you see throughout the story, what it boils down to just comparing her own life with everybody else's and feeling inadequate as a result and we know that social media has the potential to do that. Because always is everybody's sort of highlight reels and you're looking everybody else's life and feeling like Oh my goodness you know as you say at. A different choices. So you're you're looking at those tensely you know thinking about what you haven't done what you haven't gone way. You have reached yet if you might want to and and I think it puts the pressure new and I think that thirty just becomes that sort of marker where you really begin to take stock twin your thesis being even playing field, and then all of a sudden people of very different parts and you feel like you're being left behind. Yeah. So along the same lines with what you are both saying is getting the same path and then you start. Seeing people taking different paths, I also feel like thirty is when you start to feel loss and failure and in your twenties things happen you get that little promotion you get that first job and you feel these little wins a lot more at that first relationship on five dates in a week and it's like these little winds make you really happy. But suddenly at thirty, you start thinking about what's my next step in my career? What's my next step in my personal life and also you start experiencing loss this is when I remember a lot of my friends were losing grandparents were. Or even their own parents and then start looking back like what did I do my twenties to to prepare myself for this loss nothing right? Like I was just not mentally prepared for what was to come, which is real life is about to happen. So Do you think that like twenty, five, thirty, five, forty, etc are as big a freak outs thirty because I definitely feel like all of those years or kind of like milestone years that cause you to like reevaluate what's going on. But for whatever reason for me, I didn't feel I mean I guess I moved across the country when I was twenty five something maybe I did A. Little but like I feel like thirty five, I definitely was like a looming sense like okay. I still haven't found my partner but I was more secure with myself than didn't feel is like crazy as thirty but at the other side, like three birthday was a big deal, it was fun to celebrate and I feel like I was a little more down to celebrate thirty five I don't know what do you guys think about the different kind of milestones it's a good question i. think there will pronounced in some way and I think they I think generally familial birthdays made me take stock. I maybe not on the same scale as when you. Change decades but I think that you know every year I kind of look back and reflect on the year and I'm Ashley uncertainty nine semi next birthday all tending forty and I feel relatively calm about it I don't. And I think that that just comes perhaps from from growing up a little bit and just accepting things and not being quiet. So you you know yourself better and your looking around comparing yourself in the same ways that you were. Five years ago, ten years ago on says. But I also think the conversation changes. So you know for me the big thing it thirty was. Being, single and looking around and say my friends getting married and being in relationships, and now you know the the conversation for myself and also for many of my friends, not really about meeting somebody anymore even though I am an interrelationship is about babies. An all you're going to have children and the time is ticking and it's running on all of these sorts of things. So it's so it's a different type of pressure and a different compensation for sure. One that now doesn't even need to involve being in a relationship or a man. But. This still a kind of a moment of real reflection concentration. I think Christina, you and I are in in the same boat I'm thirty nine turning forty next year and I, feel calm about it. I feel like forty will be the decade of I. Don't give a fuck. Thinking how did I agree? With you. I. Don't feel like I have any pressure on myself for how I should be at forty. But something told me when I turned thirty that I should have these things and there were the haves and have-nots and now I'm really triggered my freakout moment.
01:00:04 - 01:05:00
But also when you turn thirty you, this is what happened to me like in your twenties you feel like there's certain milestones in life and once you hit those milestones, your life is set. So in my twenties I kinda felt like Once, you have a job and you have a family and you have kids your life is set. There's nothing else you need to worry about. But I think thirty I started seeing that there were so many more milestones like you're saying, you know once you have kids, it's a pressure of having once you get married the pressure of having kids once you have kids, it's a pressure of getting your kids the right education, and then once the kids are in school, it's about your retirement. It's never fucking goes on and on and on. On thirty lifted that ceiling and made you see that there is no end in sight. One I don't know I. Don't have figured out in two. I have no idea how anybody else's doing life and that's where where the more freak outs happened in that decade. But I love being in my late thirties and having that freak out calm down and just. Being in my own skin. So okay. So here's a question Christina. When did you meet your now boyfriend? So brilliant about that was the day that I got my agent for this book and finally like Donald of the editing and I finished it was the day that my boyfriend my now boyfriend and I became official would have our. Two two weeks two weeks before and he lives in the UK, which is widely actually UK and I was leaving Barcelona at the time. So when we Met. And Got Together. It was a very casual thing and it was not going anywhere and then very quickly I realized like my goodness I think actually I would lightness to go somewhere and I have no idea what that would look like and then we decided on that day we were like okay well, then let's just figure this out and we've been together for two years now, which is which is really really great and I feel very this relationship. I don't know it's difficult to explain I suppose but it feels incredibly different from every other relationship I've ever been in. And everybody else I've dated and I think the one thing about that is quite cool. Is that going back to the Brazilian Jap? Much. Sense to me. Let's go. That makes sense to me right like everything about it was what I imagined in. My mind is what a written about. He was he sort of fitted in this idea. Eh, the man I was going to be with I suppose. And yet in reality, it didn't work at all. And then Neil who I'm with now is the exact opposite. I wasn't really looking for him and he just arrived and he comes with two children. And he was going through a divorce when I met him and we lived in different countries. So there was nothing about it but on paper would actually see right and yes, there was something about him that I was like, yeah, this this is right of that Yeah. It was kind of it was kind of cool and I really feel as well that it was it was sort of marking. The end of my sing I feel like I needed to be single for as long as I was before I got into this. So. You feel like it. Do. You know what? Yes. Yes I hope it is. But equally I also think relationships they're walking progress on me, and I'm really reluctant I think to pin my whole life on this idea that I'm GonNa meet somebody, and then this is gonna be because I. It doesn't allow for us to change for them to change circumstances to change and I don't think we should just make that We can have that intention in not hope but I think that's something that we need to continue kind of recommitting to all the time for as long as it's working and the point that it doesn't if it doesn't mean you have to kind of. Reevaluate things. So I definitely am in a relationship that I'm very, very happy and very committed to, and hope will be the one. You know you've got to live it and see how it works and develops in goes. So the reason I asked you because I think like both of you were saying that you're about to turn forty right which is a pretty big milestone of a new decade like I think the twenty, five, thirty, five it's like the halfway mark right and then the new decade is kind of the big time and I think. With thirty talked about that. There's this feeling of like I. Need to find the one by thirty and I was wondering because both of you are approaching forty in your both in relationships that are serious right and it's I. Guess I was wondering is the pressure relieved because you feel like you've found that person or do you think the pressure's relieved because you have come to terms with that is not all that.
01:05:00 - 01:10:15
Makes someone happy in life in it sounds like at least from your perspective Christina I'd love to hear yours to you a that. It's. It's a combination of both and you're kind of in the mental police though like if this doesn't work out I'm still going to be okay and I don't need to be like bound to these timelines like I once felt I was yes. For me you've sort of summarized it. Right, there to be honest, it is a combination of both Fisher and I think also remaining single throughout your twenties an Ngo thirties while I, think potentially influences that's mindset a little bit more I. Think you feel a little more comfortable in finding your own happiness knowing the ultimately a relationship doesn't define your happiness or yourself, but it definitely is a wonderful. You know journey to go with somebody in place to be. I sensed you're hesitation Christina. Win. Julius you if this is it and. I hope this is it. I feel the same way. There's something very absolute about that statement like this is it. This is this is going to be the rest of my life and being in my late thirties I feel like nothing it. But I feel like it's not about finding the wanting more. It's about the right person and to me what has really been clear to me about my current boyfriend where I don't know if he if he's the one I, don't know if he's it but I know he's right person for me right? Now, because of this and this was really profound to me recently to notice before I felt like the right person for me would help me not think about the previous ones that I was really caught up on. So they would take my mind off the the guy in new. York where this guy that really broke my heart but I realized the right person for me help him find clarity on why the previous men were. In my life so I don't not think about these people but I think about them in a way. That's more clear about why they were part of my journey and that's how that's how I approach. My Love Life now is not the one but the right person that helps me find clarity. That's a good point too because like I. Think especially, with Corona virus that everything we've been dealing with I, think the one. Thing we can learn. No is that nothing is forever right like things that are right in one place today might not be tomorrow and it might not be that like you decide that you're not right from each other like there's so many things in life that can happen. So it's all about just like accepting the present right and I think like when you're in your thirties or like about turn thirty, you're so future focused. I think like there is quotes of like if you live in the past and you live in the future, like that's really just not the key to happiness like you need to be the present and I think like personally, I? Think there's probably some balance between the three like you should learn from your past have a plan of where you WanNa go in the future but be primarily focused on the present in. It sounds like from what both of you just said is it's not necessarily about like accepting something or finding the one. It's more just being present with current day and being happy for what is in your life at this moment. Yeah. That's pretty beautifully put Ashley and summarize it it. Really fantastically story much where I feel right now and I think is so important I think we can get really obsessed with planning and future thinking and I think you know it is happiness comes from staying in the presence. And just really appreciating that is well and not thinking too far ahead or being to hell to the past. I, think that is secret happiness Rene and Christina starting with you looking back. What advice would you give your younger sounds? Let's say at age twenty nine right about right around the time. L. Moment, what is some advice you give to your younger self take a deep breath. Starch. And Trust in the timing of your life. I would probably say because I really do think that my life has worked out so far not necessarily how I wanted to it at the exact time that I want those things to happen, but it has guided men led me really wonderful way and you know the timing has actually been perfect and I don't think i. Would have been ready to meet my now and five years ago I. Think we would have had of totally crossed. So yeah, I think I would just say trust in the timing of your. Life. I. Love that I think it sounds like to you might have dismissed a lot of things about your current partner back then that you were totally open to now. Yeah. Absolutely, and he was still be buried back then that's. Strange I think. As we said before you know you just learn so much as you go and relationships on all easy and I think you really have to know yourself really well to be able to have a healthy relationship with somebody else and I really needed that time to have a relationship with myself and also to take these lessons from all the dates that I had along the way and all the relationships that I had on the way and I think all of them have in some way.
01:10:15 - 01:15:09
Helped an informs the relationship, but I'm in now love that I think the advice I give myself to like let things happen the way they should I think like if you put pressure on things whether that's like finding the person by the time, you're thirty going on thirty dates in thirty days whatever it may be or trying to make a relationship work that just isn't I. Think the best thing you can do is just kind of chill the fuck out and like lending out the way they need to be because. I don't know about you guys, but I think what I've learned along the ways anytime I've tried to force things or any time I've really tried to put pressure on myself in his arbitrary deadlines. It doesn't end well, like it doesn't typically I don't know for at least for me like what I have met. They've kind of popped up very unexpectedly. They have not popped up when I've been on like mad frantic search and I think there's something about the head space of just being happy and for me again when they have popped up, it's usually when I'm in a good place myself that has nothing to do with. Chip like I mentioned one significant relationship was when I started my business and I was really excited about what I was doing in fulfilled professionally creatively in all of that in another time most recently was when I was just like in a really good place I was eating healthy I was exercising a lot I was in the best shape physically I've been in for a while. So I felt good right When you feel good. You've radiate that energy and when you're coming from things in a place of frantic when you're covering. When you're coming to things in a place, a panic and like frantic nece don't even know if that's the right word but anyways, when you're. When you're coming from a place a panic, you just can't be that radiant self that let people be attracted to you. Absolutely people feed off of each other's energy along the same lines Julie I would tell myself surround yourself with happy people. Yes. I just remember in these miserable moments and surrounding myself with people who were more miserable and that we have a really bad decision because we all made bad decisions together. We just tried each other down i. also believe in that energy is not so much even just what you radiate but like what you surround yourself with you have to control that in. Your Life also, I would tell myself get excited. This is just the beginning and get excited for every year. The Universe is going to throw at you even if these things don't stick their thrown at you, for reason, and along the lines said, Julia is have to go through their trenches I. Love this phrase so much because once you feel like you're in the trenches, you feel like you're at a rock bottom just know that you will come right back up and when you come back up, it's just GonNa be so much better I got up. Sure somebody needed to hear that right now myself included so they. I think sometimes like you just need to hear that freeze and I think also times like maybe this is the kind of kick. Start us into takeaway is but I think so many times we put these deadlines on these artificial deadlines like I. Remember when I was graduating college I had this really Nice family celebrate celebration and I was like moping the whole time I was. Miserable Cause I was like deter I was convinced that my life was ending like by great life like I would never be happy again like I was entering the real world and it was only doom and gloom going forward I remember literally crying at my graduation dinner and yeah, that happens I'm sure my parents were super thrilled about throwing this nice graduation at our for that. I remember after that like my twenties like early twenties. I was like, wow, this is actually better than college like I remember thinking that I'm like I laying on my own I'm surviving him thriving I'm still a good time but I'm like have some meaning in life and all of this and I think that keeps happening in life like for me at least like I feel like when I thought thirty was the end of the world I found love at thirty one, right so it's like the it just you know things don't always go according to plan and like they're always going to be everything builds on each other I think like you mentioned Christine I think. This is a really good point is like you need to have the experiences that you do in life like you said about beating the Brazilian Guy Kinda showed it was a stepping stone for your current relationship and I think life is all about stepping stones whether that's beating people falling for people that aren't right for you or having those times when you're single and you really can see that you can take care of yourself and you don't need someone but you just want someone to share your life with my only take away that I would add is we need to start getting rid of the win and then statements.
01:15:09 - 01:19:58
So when this happens, then all feel this way. I hate that because I I really do hate that with a passion because you are relinquishing that control to uncontrollable factors in your life that's when you lose hold of your own life. So with turning thirty turning twenty turning thirty two and a half, it doesn't even matter. That's all arbitrary start getting rid of these arbitrary milestones in your mind that are supposedly GonNa, make you happy because from this collective experience of us right now, the three of us we can tell you your happiness is not dependent on milestones yet and I think Christina brought up a really good point too is there's always another I think actually everyone on this call brought this up like there is always another. Milestone right like if you're really, we hear from people that are singled I get asked like, are you gonNa have a boyfriend or girlfriend, and then when you're dating someone, when are you going to get married when you have kids when you? Like you know it just keeps going so having that mindset just to interrupt what you just said it's like there's never an end. So like why put yourself through that Christina any takeaways from you I just reiterating what you said actually and just enjoying the now making your own rules and dancing to the beat of your own drum and staying present in the life that you're creating for yourself now, and it can all change. So it's just about. Enjoying enjoying where you are wishing your current day away. Yeah. I. Mean I think I'm very lucky that I have a mom that's very much like To do and there's not one right path for anyone I think she doesn't really give much pressure to someone and all of that, and I know a lot of people do have that external pressure that is eating at them but I personally have just a lot of pressure from myself and I think it's like in maybe this isn't takeaway but more of an action item but it's like how can you make that mindset shift like what is a way that every day could break down one reason? Why you're happy for today current day in staying present in also just really getting clear that like everything does build on each other in there there is no set plan and I don't know what the solution is. It's easier said than done, but I think just like carving out some of that time for self reflection is a really important step. So you're not just talking the talk, but you actually believe that we are all on our own timelines and yeah arbitrary numbers really don't matter not at all. Any last thoughts from anyone I think this is a really good discussion. Thanks for being wonderful. Because I felt like you open up a can of worms. Julian I kind of just went with it like, yes. Like. A, lot of stuff that I forgot. Email from twenty eleven. Yup, we went there. There if people want. To work in they do that you can buy it on Amazon. The with the new title, which way to happiness or thirty one will pop up That's probably the best place and it's a co- don't UK in my country and Dot Com in yours. Fantastic. Thanks. Christina. Hope you're enjoying your days at Saint Leonard's on sea say that it just Makes me feel. Feel We're GonNa what's the? What's the Corrigan's left the new hotspot and? I know everyone will come flooding bill these people. Heard about it. On. Data. Center. And they helped me get commissioned. Yeah exactly. Exactly. Thanks for sharing your single much. The having me seemed wonderful. Thanks Christina. Usually wrap up stay slow. dateable podcast is part of the FROLIC podcast network more podcasts. You'll love frolic dot media slash podcasts want to continue the conversation I follow us on Instagram facebook and twitter with the handle asked dateable podcast tag as an any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust. As we look at all those posts, then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com you'll find all the episodes. It's articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium y series where we dissect, analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums Roseau downloadable for free on spotify apple podcast, Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.