S11E13: New Mindset, who dis? w/ Case Kenny

Dateable Podcast
November 10, 2020
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November 10, 2020

S11E13: New Mindset, who dis? w/ Case Kenny

We're joined by the mindset master, Case Kenny, who will help us reframe three of the most common setbacks in our love life and help us find our 'why' when it comes to dating.

New Mindset, Who Dis? w/ Case Kenny

Like it or not, there's always gonna be curveballs when it comes to dating and relationships. The good news: you can fully control how you handle all the hurdles that come your way. We're joined by the mindset master, Case Kenny, who will help us reframe three of the most common setbacks in our love life. We discuss why being single can be your superpower, techniques to not take things so personally, and how to find your 'why' when it comes to dating and relationships.

Follow Case at @case.kenny, check out his podcast 'New Mindset, Who Dis?' on all the podcast players, and get his mindset journals at

Thank you to our partners for this episode:

BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month of online therapy at with the code DATEABLE

Episode Transcript

S11E13: New Mindset, Who Dis? w/ Case Kenny

00:00:00 - 00:05:12

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves.  I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating where we answer the question. Why why do people do the things they do. Why do do the things you do when it comes to modern dating why. Why do we do these things. But this week. I'm not questioning. Why it all great. I love this outcome of this. Weekend's bid are roller coaster. Though i feel like i've spent more time with people on cnn then friends and family longest week ever the guy just using the touchscreen on cnn. You must be so tired by now the guy like you. At one point. He looked like he was just a drone clicking screen red and blue. What if what if it's blue this. Okay i feel like the best time to watch. Cnn i mean first of all crisco. Vote is so entertaining. I love the best part of watching. Cnn is one am up so late. This week exhausted on. Friday i dislike lost it but one a. m. p. s. t. is four a m eastern. Were they're all located in. They are delirious. It is so funny pure gold like i. It's been a. It's been a while week. But i'm i'm so happy with the outcome. I've been like so emotional. Ua knows that. I cry a lot reasons. I tried to explain this before that. Like i don't cry when i'm upset. I do cry windham upset. But i cry like happy tears to i. I just have a lot of emotions. I need to get out and i are very evolved emotionally. I don't know stop calling yourself emotionally. you're emotionally. I like l. I like i was like i. I was trying to get to what it was exactly. You know and we're not a political podcast. So we're not going go into all the nitty gritty. We know that people have different views. We respect different views. All of that. We're not gonna go polit policies economics all that but i think why this particular election meant so much for me personally is i mean. This is kind of the core of why we do this. Podcast right it's like more modern ways of thinking about things like you know it doesn't have to live in this like patriarchal society that we've been in. That women are one way in men and other. And i felt like just the whole iq. Trump's whole vibe in administration was setting us back fifty years like i think some of the statements. He's made of like women. Get your men back to work. Mike faulk off like seriously like you know. That is just so archaic. And the fact that like mike pence could not be in the room with a woman especially if alcohol was around like that is just so you know. It's just not the way we want this to go. So i think it was like that piece and then just atlanta like all the stuff that happened in like sent me over the edge in tears. I feel like stays abrahams. How much she rallied. She rallied like eight hundred thousand. New voters like black people. That have not had a voice in that that state and it it just. It's amazing chiesa new superhero. She really is. I was so this is the thing i'm like. How do we relate politics back to dating. And i got a little high yesterday. Julia loves it when i get high. She's like you have the best idea seriously. You do keep doing drugs getting high quite a bit this week and also all the all the good stuff but i started thinking about why because i do know. I went to school in colorado. I went to high school in colorado and a lot of my high school classmates are very upset with the resume. And i kind of understand. Why and i'll say this. If america were the thing of of america as being in an abusive relationship for the last four years so for anyone who's really upset by the results. I think trump is totally that abusive boyfriend. Just wing were america just when you thought you were open enough to date. A woman he was he came in and was like nope. You're going to go back to what you already know which is just men and the the most macho man. I'm a macho man. listen to me. i'm so cool. I'm like i'm the one you need. I will provide stability. I will make you great again And then he goes and polarize your family and friends to the point where some of them won't even talk to you because they hate him so my god says that relationship it is and then when you start questioning his motives he's like no everyone else.

00:05:12 - 00:10:02

Evil gas later. He gas lights every single time. Those are lies. those are all those are not thanking. I'm the only per- yeah. I'm the only person who is honest to you. So just so you know if you stay with me. I'm the only one who will love you. Everybody else's against you right the multiple times you try to break up with him he flips out. He's like you know every time we tried to break up with me. Listen he threatens you. He's like if you break up with me. Life will be higher. I will kill your family. And the time he caught you on dating apps. Trolling or a new guy. He's like this. is this war. It's no longer about you. i'm gonna win. And when he gets a sense that he's losing to this other guy in your life who is just nice. Oh my man okay. I'm nice guy. He starts to ask you to question your motives. What is wrong with you. do you have character. Do you have values. Because if you're trolling for another guy when you should be loyal to me there's something wrong with you. And the most. I think the the biggest red flag of someone who is an abusive partner is at the minute. You do break up with them. True colors come out and all hell is about to break loose. Yep they won't they won't acknowledge its over. That signed knowledge is over. They'll threat new. They will not leave your house. They'll make you feel like shit and you that nobody else will make you again. The toxic masculinity in like what that brought like. I think joe biden is like you. He's a good man like you can tell he's just like a loving like good hearted person in the fact that like making fun of him because he was like giving too many hugs to people like to protective of his health. Sleepy joe all the stupid ass. Shit that it's like no. This isn't evolving male. That wants women to be equals to him. That cares for all types of people you know. I'm sorry if he cries because his son passed away. Like are you fucking kidding. Me like that was brought into it but anyways i think the amount of hope and i know not everyone agrees so hopefully we have lost some people but you know. I think the fact that i went to a comedy. Show last night without taylor. Thomason and whitney cummings which so good it was out towards. They were hilarious. I might have done a little mushrooms. Also which made it sound like. It's just like everyone. i mean. They definitely touched politics. They didn't go like the whole time. Which i think was a good balance but they were like the amount of relief. We feel right now. It's like you can breathe again like it's just like this weight has been taken off and i think i felt it yesterday for sure and i mean i think i i wasn't actually even that emotional yesterday because i got it all out like earlier days. But yeah the. I need a break from cnn. Tiktok i keep going back and forth you take back. I was not huge. Take talk person but in politics. Like i did see some scariest shit when i was on the right side of tiktok but now you know it's there's been some really great stuff on there in the memes are on point right now. That means game is wrong. This is one of those things where you're like. What were the memes that we're going to come out. If he did win again later on bite and like he wears a mask like yeah right. It's really yeah. Sorry calling like joe in the ho- like what the fuck like that is so first of all like she's how old are you. Are you exactly. That is so misogynistic. And she's like a married woman devoted to her husband like it's not even accurate statement didn't even if it was accurately noon says that anymore. It's just is an abusive boyfriend. It is not leave your house and when you bring a nice man around he will try every which way to make this man feel like he's small right because he he wants to flex his own masculinity but it's all based on his own insecurities so insecure well next season the batra bachelorette malania right. Yeah it's like don who's next like how long it will take her to file for divorce. Well once he stops dragging her. I think she actually realize she's been a dream this whole time. What i really is the bachelorette. I know it's just a joke. But i think that i would you not even faster fan i would did for. That shit would be the most dramatic season ever. Supposedly trump is getting a new reality tv show after this. That's the latest ruber ad hoc data friend of mine.

00:10:02 - 00:15:01

She's like i'm so watching like i'm so dot watch it. It can't do this anymore. Like this is over. you know what. I'm saddened bike. Because i don't know much about biden. His personal life. And i went down this rabbit hole of reading about the tragedies. He's experiences life and he's he's been in politics since his twenties a guy is about to turn eighty and he's just now president. He spent his whole career his whole life in politics win. Donald trump has spent his whole life in the media and all of a sudden was like. Hey you know what i'm going to be. I think i want to be president and america was like okay. What other occupation would that ever happen and like you have to go through rigorous interviews to get like a frigging admin role somewhere like. Why would you just be able to lay become the president. No doctor would be hired because they played one on reality. Tv like what i cut. This happened okay. Well i do know. And i do agree with this. And i'm like trying to see another perspective of it. Because i do recognize that i come from like privilege with this like i think there are a lot of people in this country that you know like they've been left behind like especially in world parts of the areas like there's not jobs there's nothing to do in trump gave them hope like he did. I think they can't be forgotten in. That's the only way that will fully unite as a country. Because i'm just thinking about it like for me. It's easy to say like i want unity. I want equality like i want. You know. I'm a white person. But i want like our black friends and families to be heard but if you can barely put food on the table you're not thinking about other people like that and it's not that you are racist or there's something wrong with you. It's just that we do come from more privileged that we can think about that stuff. So i'm trying to remember that a little not be like so you know. All people are racist that voted for trump. Because i don't believe that. I do believe that like i also witnessed on tiktok. 'cause i was recruiting for has a little earlier. Them chain algorithm them totally changed at by the end. I was like. Oh god start to believe the stats like user to get brainwashed and i think tiktok in social media is wonderful to express yourself but it's also dangerous that anyone can have a voice especially with political matters that have no rhyme or reason and no logic in there just spewing things out and i think that's what happened is trump would say like more for black americans than any other president and it's like okay but what like what is it or i've done more for the economy while you came into economy that was starting to pick up like what is the thing but if you just keep seeing shit over and over again people start to believe me when i think trump will give him credit is a wonderful public speaker like i think he's a great public speaker he knows what like levers to turn for people and i think that's how people believe it. He was able to relate the group that was forgotten. and i totally understand from an image standpoint. how that work but it's also action over words. Total let's see. Let's see all the results of what he's done and i just feel like this country is just in shambles and i can't wait to start the healing process because we're so hurt right now whether you've whether you're in a group that is of privilege or not everyone is hurt writing so we gotta get on this healing train very fast. I thought what you said though. That was fascinating and i seen this with a lot of minority voters that people that like you know like came as immigrants did actually vote for trump that you thought like i mean i kind of had this like conceived notion league. No immigrants are going to vote for trump. given what i've heard in the media in. I think what you were saying about like this. Fear of socialism became ing like communism which is not necessarily true. But that is the the lines that are getting fed. I do see that. And i think everyone does have a personal like see it like why immigrants would be scared of. It is what i mean by it. And i think everyone like this election was very personal for people so i'm trying not to hold space and not judge people for their choices. But i am glad that we're back on. Track the fact that like even the way biden is speaking of like not democrats versus republicans. But the american people together. Like i know it's not action yet. But i mean it's day one so the fact that he's even thinking that way is like a huge improvement. What we've been through the last four years. I also love that. Fox news called it before any all my god irony of people chanting fuck fox news at arizona was like too much to add all too much. Have also like this buzzfeed article going around. If you don't have to worry about biden's tax plan if you fall into any of these one of them is like dislike dirty ass microwave or you got like the bubbles on your ceiling.

00:15:01 - 00:20:01

I'm like i kind of do and then it's like all these things that you're like nope you're not in that bucket. It's got to be affected. Your good information that's been spread like my mom's a account and she did like people's tax returns if they were under biden or trump's plan they were identical for the most part but he is kind of drilled into people's heads that lake. Your taxes are going way up in. No if if you're under four hundred k. They're not. It's not yeah. It's all a packaging. Yeah he's a great. He's a great marcus accra. That's his job though he was a salesman. I'm need is very good. Yup as telling. That's i mean. That's very commendable. I mean you know from dating right. Marketing is part of the game right like dating profiles your photos you use. Some of that is marketing and kind of transition off. I'm super excited that we're going to have to me seltzer. Who is a vn favorite. Who did hacks to looking your best. She's gonna join us this month in the sounding boards for everyone that's in that mid tier you're gonna be able to like get on the fly feedback of your look in real life or on dating profile like with someone that really knows her shit. I was shopping. And i literally her kimmy talking to be as i was shopping. My god i need the feedback in rude rude and i was thinking Voices coming into my head right now i did splurge and i bought. This was probably impulse purchase. But i thought a really tricky mask. It's like silk and it had like ninety bucks on. It was like forty dollars. This date bask only into any twenty people splurging on masks. My my co worker came in the other day with like a louis. Vitton mask like what. I mean so court to your look right now so court. I don't think this is the most protective mask that like. It's good if you're like going to restaurants probably take it off anyways. Like i don't know if i'd wear it on a plane but yes it is very pretty. I know i just invest it. Because at the beginning of covid i was like i just need to masks and i'll just you know wash one and wear one and now i have like thirty because now i wanna tied one. I have a metallic one. I bought mask chains. So then i no longer have to. Just put them in pop. My tongue in makes where leeann necklace julie. You're interested okay. You one yes we can. We do a segment all about masks. Who because you know there are different fitting mask. Some of them do not look me. Yes maybe we should add this in. This is like on the fly idea. But i liked. Let's do it. But yeah i mean we've had a lot of other excitement. We have another livestream coming this week. We're gonna keep up these once. A month community livestreams. This one probably won't be as long as last time but we'll be able to answer all the burning questions that people have a livestream format and to get access to this. Joining the sounding board heard us talk about it for awhile sounding board as a curated community and also we offer resources on a monthly basis to guide you through this crazy world of modern dating so as part of the package. Is you have access to the live streams and then. This event with kim seltzer and depending on what tier you sign up for. You could also sign up for a one on one coffee dates with julian. I we just did to today. They were so much fun so sounding board. It's just go to dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board and you can get all the info. It's been really rewarding for us to to get to know everyone on a more personal basis. So we're not talking two thousand people in our facebook group but now it's a much smaller community yep and we also made a smaller facebook group for sounding board members only because as you guys might have known when we hit a thousand members. We lost facebook rooms so we have this smaller group. That's now going to be for the happy hours in for the podcast. Discussion groups in now can open up some other things we're going to do. We're going to book club now. You know we're gonna you know potentially people ask like oh. Can i put my life profile up to get reviewed. honestly we can't control it with a thousand people. It's just like it's really personal matter. Just one person saying something shitty can really be bad. So we're going to be able to do this stuff with the trust and group a lot more so we're super excited. We think it's going bring more opportunities. Some of the people that were in the happy hour last week was like this was so great at let us like really keep strengthening these bonds with the people that we're seeing so if again like if you're not in the sounding board but you've gone to the happy hours you've seen the benefits like we get that. Now they're going to be part of the paid offering but we hope you can support us six dollars a month if you do it annually while the coffee but maybe a bagel and a coffee. You're san francisco san francisco.

00:20:02 - 00:25:03

The coffee coffee. no no. that's an extra you can still have your. We also did the monthly challenge to our first monthly challenge. We're still trying to find like the right. Dave for this series but i like we started off in. It's available to everyone the joint so even if you join now you can get in on it. And it's all about limiting beliefs. And i actually saw one of my show up like we did a lot of like exercises and prompts and lease the people can kind of discover their limiting beliefs and tried to reframe their mindset. And i saw one of mine show up in the flesh this week yes. We had a post in the facebook group in someone originally posted about just like challenges of being more overweight audience eating about body image. There was one comment that was very negative and we actually ended up removing this person from the group because it was not in line with our values and i commented back and kind of put up a post and my experience. Because i've definitely. This was one limiting beliefs that i brought up in. It's definitely i've experienced my entire adult. Life is body image. And i put up a post around a past episode. We've done with natalie. Carry every body beautiful in made the comment that we discussed about like different cultures have different expectations of beauty. And i've seen this firsthand of like. I think like british men for example have been attracted to me because i think they're like what they see. They don't the word i used and this is where i checked myself was that rail thin is not like you know what they identify as a standard beauty like in america like you this ideal to be super thin and i use the word rail thin and someone did reply back in they said like hey you know that is actually kind of offensive to me is really thin trying to gain weight and i also struggle with body image and i was like oh my god i totally let my own bias. Come in because i was like oh everyone that is super thin. Hasn't really easy with the you know because that's my experience i had to be like. Oh my god she's right like this is just as offensive is just not the way. I'm thinking it's not my experience but it doesn't make just as a offensive and it was a good reminder that like everyone experiences different things and this is not. What's holding me back it's my perception of it. That's holding me back. that's what i love about. This group can have open discussions like this and kind of open. Our i is this other perspective instead of just assuming that this other group must have is so easy must have it so good we always have men saying oh women must have it so easy on dating apps. They must get all kinds of matches and they're going on day after day. It's good for them to join this group to see the challenges that women face on dating apps. This wall totally. Yeah i'm really digging the conversations and the screw they get deeper and deeper yet. And we talked his utterly episode evidence seeking so seeing other people's perspectives. And like okay. This is evidence right here that it's just because of my own body image feelings that is what is everyone deals with this in different way for sure and it's related to our episode for today. It's all about changing your mind. We say this all the time. There's so many things indicating that you cannot control but there's only one thing you can't control which is your own mindset. You can control that and by changing your mindset. You could change the outcome of your love life. So case kenny. Who is an instagram favorite of a lot of pimple. He's so big on instagram now. He is I guess a mindset master. I will call him that he helps you rethink and repairs ition certain scenarios and how to take better control of your mindset and your perspective and he's been so instrumental it during covid to help with some of the things that you may be experiencing with his instagram post. Which are these really awesome Sticky notes that he writes like really great messages on or he has his workbook. All about changing reminds his podcast is called new mindset who it all all ties together i was gonna say he's more than just the instagram sticky dough guy. A man behind the instinct a very lovely man. Indeed of i god. Yeah but we both you. And i were like who are some male voices that we can get on involved male. This is all coming full circle to lick our earlier conversation. Someone that is in touch with their emotions. Someone that can communicate. We're both case keti. We need to get him. We re shot. He like replied in. He's like. I'm so dad relate yes we had a great conversation with him this Awesome episode.

00:25:03 - 00:30:01

I needed this. I need a reminder of this. Yeah originally we're like maybe this should be the end of season but we're like no we need to get it out we all right now especially like mindset is so important with everything ed like this. This stuff is going to help you today so we did not wanna wait another day before we get case kenny's episode his interview. Shall we take a sponsor break. Yeah let's do it all right. Well this episode is brought to you by better help. Yes he has in these crazy times as as we've all seen as last week if feels good to know that we're not alone in whatever we're going through so take a moment for yourself today. How are you feeling. And how do you want to feel with julian. We know that working with a mental health professional is a great to help you navigate everything going on the world. Better help offers online counseling with professional credible and compassionate therapists in a safe and private environment their counselors specialize in depression pandemics relationships elections and other areas with three thousand. Us licensed professionals across all fifty states. They make it easier than ever to find help. In fact so many people have been using better. Help recruiting additional counselors in all fifty states self or dateable listeners. Only you get ten percent off your first month with a coat. Dateable join over. One million people taking charge of their mental health. Today simply fill out a questionnaire to go to better help dot com slash dateable and use the code dateable for ten percent off your month. The ab ellie okay. Now you can get the case and case the man behind the most interesting sticky note sayings on instagram. It's just brilliant that all your posts are just text on sticky notes but so many people are engaged with one of my favorites. I don't know about you do. I'm sure you have a favorite to. This is my favorite. You can't go back and change the beginning but you can start where you are and changed the ending love that. That's so great. Do you come up with these yourself. I come up with most of. I didn't come up with that one. But the longer ones because i have a lot of feelings and things to say are are by me The ones who. I have multiple and the other ones some of them. Yes some of them. No majority of them. Yeah it is funny just like i don't know what it is about like writing something out and then putting it in front of my seat that makes it like so much more popular than it. Wasn't it's weird. I don't know what to tell. You still have a foot fetish all your audience into your feet. He actually has tax. Did re post one to the dateable. Feed a while back. And i would have to say this as still my favorite so we give you a little shoutout but you had shout out to everyone who is coping single but also cool with falling in love. Nothing is broken. There's nothing to fix just living but open to the day when someone comes into their live and amplify the fun and happiness already got going on. I feel like those are words to wisdom that we're definitely going to bring more on this episode. How -solutely and you're more than just sticky notes like. It'd be your fulltime jobs. Writing sticky the man behind the sticky notes. More than that. Who is he. He's thirty two years old lives in chicago. he's been there for nine years or usually from chicago so a lot of loyalty there. He's pretty single. Taking dating sabbatical and he's host of the podcast loved the name of your podcast new mindset who this also posts. You know the best sticky notes said on instagram and he has a line of journals that help you re frame your mindset the sixty day new mindset journal which i know two of my friends have already gotten and they're totally like it to get over a heartbreak and then the dating workbooks single is your superpower. So i i we alluded to this but why we love you an are still in love with you. We're all about mindset shift. Because i think a lot of dating is about blaming other people but we really have to look inward and something. You said recently on an episode. You said people want change. But they don't want to change and that's the issue is that they want the result and the benefits but they're not willing to take action and change in part of that change comes with your mindset and mindset. Is something that you can control and in fact in dating. It's the only thing you can control so today. We have you on our show to talk about three major problems that people may face dating and what are some ways to change your mindset around these three scenarios but before we get to that. Julian are just so curious. How did you even get into the space. Even in the beginning you said.

00:30:01 - 00:35:00

I have a lot of feelings. I don't hear many men saying that. So how did you get into this. Thank you thank you for having me on appreciate it a i mean i'm just i like i say it all the time almost to the point where people a case we freaking get it like. You're just guy. Listen to house music. You like japodlay we get it we get it we get it get it but like i say that so often. Because i'm i'm literally just a dude. I have like and never had any aspirations to be a self help person. I don't. I don't even like the word self help to be honest but i say because it helps people understand what i do so i never had any plans to do that. Definitely never in a million million years. That i think i would be giving advice on dating. I thought maybe at some point. I could give ice on other things. I've always been a pretty introspective guy but on dating like hell no never never even thought of it and it's funny. I've been podcasting for two years. All my quotes. Come from the podcast. I appreciate you saying. I'm more than just a quote guy. It's like even on the podcast. I waited and this is because i'm fourteen years old. I waited until episode. Sixty nine to even talk about relationships. Your sector yeah see there. You go validated in the conversation itself. So like never never even thought i was qualified. I still don't think i'm really qualified. I think i am good at some things and it offers value. So of course i lean into it but never thought i'd be doing this. I mean the whole case story in thirty seconds is i started writing and podcasting Like three years ago. I was in a relationship for a long time. Two and a half years like we live together to a serious got out of it. Like who case. What am i doing. I kinda thrown my whole entity behind the relationship and work opt out of it. I was like whoa. Who am i without the relationship and more importantly who am i without work right. I should i should definitely create that so i started just podcasting as a means to ask myself questions in real time. I think it's much more challenging. Ask yourself a question on an audio format than writing writing. You could kind of hide behind your words. But i feel like i'm much more vulnerable when i talked. I just started doing it talking about mindfulness things talking about feelings things like that and then eventually i was like all right. Well i have an opportunity here. It is episode sixty nine. So i should do something and started just giving my thoughts on relationships and people are like. Yeah this is awesome. I respond to what people think is helpful. So i continue to dish up whatever i can serve in that sense. So that's the short version of it. I mean we always say it to. Its relationships is like one aspect like kind of inter-plays together when it comes to just how you show up and all of that so like what are some techniques other than people. Starting their own podcast got feelings. What are some other ways that people can get in touch with that type of stuff. Wouldn't it be funny if my advice was well. You gotta start a podcast. Many podcasts on the scene tomorrow. Well i mean the whole the word. I use for everything i talk about. It's not self help. Not so development is mindfulness mindfulness. I like the word because it's much more apps. To what i what i talk about dating happiness fulfillment anything comes down to mindfulness and mindfulness simply mean self awareness. Self awareness is the key literally everything unless like you can. I can dish up any problem in dating a relationships and a lot of it comes down to your point earlier. You want something but you don't do it. You don't know why you're doing something in the first place you're not listening to yourself. You're just being kind of a walking mummy in a sense so everything comes down to self awareness. Which is why everything that i talk about kind of is around this idea of asking yourself more questions so you can come to the answers you want. Everyone wants answers right. They want to know win. I going to be successful. Who am i gonna love. Who's gonna love me win. Am i going to be happy all these things. You're not going to stumble into those things. You're going to work into them and the start of that comes from the questions. You ask yourself so like everything that i talk about. Mindfulness weather it's relationships or just life comes down to the questions. You ask yourself so you can be more self-aware when you're more self aware you make make better decisions you date with intention you Everything flows together. So it's a vague thing but when you start down to the actual execution of it it just it just makes sense well. Let's take one setback. Because now i'm wondering case. How did you even find these tools or even know the word. Mindfulness yourself did you were your parents. Did they br- bring you up this way. Did you learn about this. When you're in high school i don't know it just. It's something that i recently stumbled upon. And i'm like eighty years old. So i just don't understand like how you were able to stumble upon this all of a sudden find such a connection with it. I don't know it's i get that question a lot in lake. I really don't i. Don't listen a lot of podcast. I don't read a lot of books like self help books Not i didn't. I haven't learned a lot of this from other people. It's funny i'll do an episode in some someone to reach out the big. Hey i'm a. I'm a clinical psychologist or therapist.

00:35:00 - 00:40:02

And like what you said. Is this in this in this. Unlike like quote another thing. I just thought of this semi on. So it's it's honestly really weird then like people ask me like like. How do you do it like you seem to have this thing about where you could talk about these things that make sense and i appreciate that of course but to me. It's like i don't know it's just one of those things like if you ask a great athlete like how they do something. I don't know i just do it. It just comes naturally to me. Like if i sit down in my chair right over there on sunday and i put on the right music and i give myself a prompt. I'll just vacuum it out all these feelings about an hour. Then i'll sit down record in. Anna just comes naturally to me. So i think but honestly eating. It's your question. i think it comes down to. I think i'm more self aware than the average person. And i never had labels to it. I never use words like mindfulness or anything like that. But i don't know. I'm pretty good at reading myself. Not always good on acting on it. But i'm good at reading on it so i don't know not a not a great answer but it just like some people have certain abilities like i feel like i'm wired to be an optimist. Everything glass half full me which is just the way it is. You know what that's gonna be so good because we wanna break down. Because i feel like in dating you know whatever is going on for you. You're gonna get curb balls like just do not go according to plan what we've all learned like whatever stage you're in whether you're like just eating people for the first time or ending a relationship or whatever it may be like there's always ups and downs and i think we always say on this podcast like what you were saying earlier. It's like the only person you can really control is yourself and how you process this so i think it's a great way for us to jump into some of these comments scenarios so we can kind of see your thought process it kinda put like the words behind. What mindfulness really means. Okay should we go at the first scenario. That's kind of one. That people always seem to bring up. Yes can i act this out. I feel like i can act this out too. So we're like in the right mind to do it. Take it here the so much and this has happened to me. This has happened to julie. This has happened to my cousins. Best friend you know like everybody. Everybody's has experienced this exact scenario. I went on a few dates with someone and i really liked them but they stopped returning my calls and my tax looks like they've flaked on me or ghosted me in fact we had a date plan for saturday. It's now friday. I still haven't heard from them what's going on like it. Just seems like they don't like me and my on dateable. Am i not worthy to something happened between the last time. I saw them to now where they change their mind about me. Do they find something about me on the internet like what is it about me. That made them change their mind. Your your haunted past came out somewhere on the internet. They discovered it. I mean that's classic ghosting one and you never know the true reason Like i've never ghost at selma. Now say that has tried to noble was never never done it Because i think it's incredibly rude and disrespectful. And i would never ever want that to happen to me but i mean i can look at something like that. If i were to be ghosted and i i would be fine with it. And this is my optimism in effect. Every time i'd be like your. I would see exactly you're listening for you. Overwrite professional i look. I can make it look at that. I would much rather me after three than after date eight. So in that respect. I'm super grateful. that's a media. How things and i know that's like people are like case. That sounds really cool but is that realistic. Three great dates like maybe were vulnerable with. This person may be started to develop feelings. Like that really sucks. Like there's no way around it but i think if you can spin it something like that like actually believe it then. That's super helpful. And the other thing of course they consider is something like that happens and you feel very isolated and it feels very personal. Of course it's gonna feel personal but isolated. In the sensor like penn. I go sit. Or maybe even got ghosted again like this is the second time. This is the third time. There's something wrong with me. I look on instagram. No one else is having this problem. Everyone else's is coupled up in happy. And it's you know cuffing season. It's great so i think combine my first mindset of finding gratitude and in a sense and the second mindset of realizing that you're not alone in this in. This isn't an isolated thing that happened to you. Because you're on dateable unlovable on all these negative assumptions. You could jump to like very common men and women don't want confrontation. It's so much easier to the ghosts. I mean that's like just at a glance. Knee jerk reaction that like. That's how i would approach it so okay. 'cause i agree everything is i feel like we tend to take things i've definitely been guilty of this and i think over the years have been a little more like try to look at the facts like you were just saying like this happens to a lot of people. It's not just me like how do we move from having this like me mentality to more of like look. Let's look at the facts and really assess what's going on.

00:40:02 - 00:45:04

Well i mean that's self awareness. I remember i so. I talked about this on the podcast. Probably one hundred episodes ago or something so you pride in listen to it but i went on a second or third day with this woman in chicago and this is the first one was like whatever. Okay i always try to give people a second chance. If i'm like you know wasn't a day. Maybe she was nervous. Maybe i was nervous. Whatever like as long as it wasn't terrible like i'm down for a second date when in a second date where like. I don't know twenty five minutes in drinking and all sudden she she's like i ordered uber. I gotta go feed my dog. see my dogs. I'll walk through uber and she was gonna happen in like two and a half minutes. It was like this thing. And i never heard from her. It was just done. It was it was it was it was it was the craziest thing i like a mile lake that i do like. I didn't say anything. It was this whole thing anyway. So i look at something like that and like i feel like a lot of people have been like what happened like man. I really messed that up. Hubble but i literally look at that and i'm like that like says a lot about her like that one she wouldn't communicate to kinda rude but it is what it is or three i look at her and i approach with immediate empathy. I'm like you know. Humans are humans probably. Maybe she back with ex harasses and town something like that. Maybe something happened. I don't know but it is what it is. i can look at that and provide rationale. So i don't go down. This spiral of self doubt into that comes really easy. I'm not sure that comes as it other people but that to me that really effective way of approaching approaching everything with empathy as an immediate knee-jerk instead of judgment i in fact i did a podcast on not taking things personally in life in his idea of approaching people as puddles or oceans. Puddles have no depth rights. You look in putter like yo. That's a puddle like it is what it is like person sucks like. I hate her she. She hates me or whatever. Negative thing you jump to or it could be like. She's a puddle or she she's an ocean like there's depth maybe she's got something with her ex. Maybe something was family. Maybe she's got things going on her life as you know it doesn't make the pain subsided anymore. But maybe she's got things going on on what's going to take a step back. Let her life. I think that kind of approach. It really does help. You did not take things so personally. Being pathetic for me and fun fact about her actually like five months later. She texted me on go out again. so of course circles. Exciting resurrect duck. I mean that's the thing now is like you don't ever know what's going on with people especially if you've only been on a couple dates with them like how long have you been with them like you have no idea so i mean i think a lot of as it is a hard skill to learn to not take things so personally but i do think like any way to like look at all the options that could be going on so at least you can say like. Maybe i'm one option. But i'm not every. I'm not the only reason this is happening. Yeah yeah you shouldn't you shouldn't like maybe you are the reason. It is what it is the reason that maybe like you just weren't gelling and you're not her person you're not his person that's fine. You mean i mean that's a whole other subject of of moving past in the straight up rejection like i'm not interested in you. That's different from being ghosted. i suppose but Yeah i mean. I give yourself options. Don't put yourself in a corner where the only option is. You're unlovable person. Right hand in hand because it's like confidence like if this person doesn't like me and wanna be with me then like after that like i'm going to find someone that wants us should be the my. Yeah we've all we've all. I think all of us have been on the other side of this where you go on a date with someone who's pretty great but due to some other circumstances you wanna get out for some reason. Maybe you're not ready to get back into dating. Maybe you're still getting over someone and all you wanna do is get out of that. Date has nothing to do with that person and we can always like put ourselves on the other side of the situation to. I've been on dates in years past. Where like you know. I was like i should go. I need to put myself out there. And you go on a date. I get there. I'm like i'm just not ready. I really wanna leave this day right now. I'm gonna go feed my dog. Whatever everyone like reacts differently. So i you know that's a that's a great way to put it for sure. So what is the first step that someone should take to change their mindset. As soon as that story comes into their mind of. I'm not good enough. I'm not loveable. I am not dateable. Like what is something they can do tactfully to change that mindset. I mean i think every scenario is different. I mean i think the most like this is kinda cliche but it really does help me. And i did an episode on this recently as well. It's like not everyone is meant to be permanent in your life. Even someone that you went on two dates with that says they're not interested in you. Like i still think there's something to be learned from that experience like that person could have taught you something in that immediate experience like you can still learn to appreciate something good within that experience like if you go on a date with someone once and they're not interested in you this is just me but i don't know how you could take something personally from three hours of someone even even three days. Call it nine hours with someone like this not enough time so like how can you take it personally when someone says they're not interested in you when you haven't even show them anything to be interested in so to me.

00:45:04 - 00:50:02

It's like infallible. But again i m humans this. This is what i do as i say not as i do sometimes but like i. I think that is important to know. It's like i didn't even know me. I don't even know this person. So like i'm not gonna take it personally but let's say you do get to know someone and there's some you know it goes a little somewhere in the end. I mean i still think you know you could realize they're permanently there to teach you a truth about yourself and as you can find truth in four or five dates and then it ends. I saw you can find something there that you could be grateful for that you could take to the next state. Like what are they always say like. You know it breaks your heart but opens your eyes or whatever like. i think. There's always an opportunity for you to open your eyes like even if it is after four dates to into dating someone else in leverage some of those truths to be more intentional with how you date like. There's an upside to everything. So i don't remember what you're originally question was but that was basically alright. Okay let's pause right there because we have a big announcement from us. Let's face it. It's a weird time to be dating or developing relationships. Have you recently decided that you want to make some changes to your love life. Maybe you've recently reenter the dating seed. Maybe you've gone on one too. Many dates that went nowhere. Or maybe you're ready to take your current relationship to the next level. That is exactly why we created the astounding board a true extension of podcasts. That delivers a personalized experience which includes one on one coffee dates with us. A monthly dateable live after show exclusive audio content a much more allow julian. I become your dating. Sheriff us to provide real time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable podcasts dot com slash sounding board again. That's dateable podcasts. Dot com slash sounding board. Okay let's get back into this combo. I love it. Should we go to scenario. Because i feel like what you said kind of goes into that. So i'm going to read this. Because i can resonate with this one hour out julie. I don't even have to act just to just tell you how i feel. But it's like when the relationship ends you know like i'm never gonna meet somewhat again. This was my one shot at love. It's going to be terrible to be single and back out there at x. Age all the stories that come into your mind when something ends this feeling of ski scarcity instead of abundance like how do you work through that type of thing. Yeah for sure. Well i think there's a couple of different things. I mean for me after a break up all kinds of things that you're going to go through you're gonna go through wanting to find closure to help close that door so that you can open up another door you're going to go through you. Know what whatever. The five stages of denial anger and all that kind of stuff. I don't even know. But i think for me like ground. One ground level foundational like setting. My self awareness is something i mentioned earlier. It's like i am grateful was say it ended Let's say i ended it. Let's say she ended it. Let's say it's both russia whatever regardless of whether you wanted it to enter didn't want it to end. This is day one of growth from there. I talk a lot about this like in my opinion and been through several breakups that were like two three year long relationship. So i'm not just you know theorising here. It's like out of a break up in my mind. You're guaranteed to grow through it. I never met someone who doesn't get out of a relationship and not grow in some kind of way. So there's immediate. I wouldn't say gratitude but there's an immediate realization that like you're human you're wired to evolve know even know if like the like the fields of africa thousands of years ago. Like if you were kicked out of your tribe and you're alone like you're gonna you're gonna evolve. You're gonna learn to like fend and lake hunting gathering all of these things right. It's the same with like in twenty twenty. i suppose. But it's like you're you're you're you're wired to evolve into level up and you're gonna find a way to do that. Whatever form that comes in. That's one thing. So i think that's really important. When you get out of a relationship. I think the best thing you can do for yourself before you get into the mindset of being like scarcity and like you know those kinds of things is reevaluating why you date like this is like the whole the whole substance of of my new book your dating. Why like why are you dating. And like i go round and round on this a lot but it's like people like what do you mean. Why do you daily. Oh you're to date like you're human. You're not supposed to be allowing. You're supposed to find compatibility someone you're supposed to just do it like why mush nailing yes. Of course that's true. But i think like if you're if if you were to ask yourself why am i setting up dates with someone. Or why do i want to date or even like bigger. Like why do i wanna partner. I think it's gotta be more than just being saying like why. Don't wanna be alone or i want to spend my life with someone or you know something like that like it's gotta be more than like those are valid reasons of course but i think it's got to be deeper and honestly a little bit more selfish than that. It's got to be more self serving like my dating y as cliche as it gets. But it's very self serving. It's like i wanna find someone who helps make me a better person.

00:50:02 - 00:55:01

This up to of that. Of course is i want to make her a better person. And i want to share and so forth but fundamentally i'm not going to sit here and say that anaya little bit self serving in that i wanna find someone who pushes me and does all these things like. That's why i want to date. But i feel like a lot of people don't put in the work to understand what was going on with eight. I'm date. I'm a day. Because i need to find someone to find in a certainly. That's biological in a sense by think after a break up a really good opportunity to reevaluate that and center yourself on on your way. I think that's also really great too. Because again Provides facts for your book why this ended. You can also look at like. Was this the relationship that works for me like am i gonna take this person off a pedestal. Because i think sometimes sometimes when you go through a break up it's even less about the person it's more of just like the life you could have had with them or like not being single again like it's you know it's like how do you kind of work through that stuff in like lift off. You know like especially when. I think almost the almost relationship you've talked about this before like or relationship that doesn't fully get off the ground. There's a gray area of like what if what could have happened. Okay okay now. I've a better answer for your first question. I'm like i'm like a train. You gotta give me move in a little bit minutes. Everything i just said stan so deleted out. I mean i think coming out of a relationship. Yeah you could develop these tendencies to be Desperate maybe as a word for it or frustrated and overeager Multiple podcasts on us. I put it in my book but call it. Don't be so thirsty for potential. Got the biggest thing like any any personally personnel. It's like reason. I've been relationships. That failed is you know. I was in love with the vision of the future of together. I was in love with version. Two point oh of version one point. Oh and yes. There's we've all been jackie how we've all been there. Yeah it's such a simple thing and everyone knows that but it's so easy to fall in love with a vision of one future together but to a version two point oh of that person where all their flaws that you clearly recognize now in some of them are red flags your visiting two point zero state where they're no longer the case. That's the thing i i did. An episode called confessions of fuck boy. I was the fuck boy scenario. Get right so it's probably there's only one lord okay find. It was me. But that's what i talked about. I talked about you know men mouse. I'll say met fuck boys. They'll say men who are not well intentioned they prey on that idea of potential because it's very easy to develop feelings for potential easy to develop a vision for potential and people who are not men of character or women of character However you slice it looks like they prey on that right they'll give you the dangled the carrot of what version two point of what a future is and you buy into it but even outside of people do it we also do it to ourselves. We get in our own way because we latch on those ideas and then you wake up three years later near lake will for one. It's never been enough for me in the immediate. There's always been this red flag that was never going to work itself out and like that red flag was enough for me to probably have or done something in need it so i think that that is really important in like grounding particularly after you get out of a relationship because it's like to your point like let's scary you're alone you're older you know there's many things to consider. I think grounding yourself in wire dating maybe looking back and realizing that that relationship didn't align with your y so that you could put yourself on the back or be grateful that now your day one of actually aligning with your way and then when you're out there and you're doing it i call it your face in a in a positive positive. You're not thirsty so this is the secret. Mindfulness people. Yeah you heard it here first. But here's the other mindset that some people may have in totally been. There is the idea of starting over is so daunting especially as we get older as we've invested so much interrelationships. Maybe you've met. The parents may be the friends maybe even talked about moving in together or have moved into together. You've invested so much of your life into a relationship and the thought of just picking back up starting from ground. Zero is so whelming. What do you say to people in this mindset. Yeah i mean it's terrible. I mean i only tried to give advice from what i've experienced. I've never experienced that fully. Like i wasn't a long relationship live together and i got out of it but i think clearly knew. It wasn't right for me. So i i. It was easier for me to to adapt that. I wrote a whole book called singles superpower. So clearly. I have a filter when i look at being single.

00:55:01 - 01:00:05

I mean if like if you're single in it's now what you want. I think there's peace that comes in accepting where you are. I mean it just is what it is. I think also this idea of closure is really important there. I think once he wants like even if you don't want to be single in your single and broke your heart and it's terrible. I have a ton of empathy for that. But like there's some things you can't change it some things you can't change the first step in. That certainly is providing yourself with closure. I've done episodes on this as well. Closure something that you have to create for yourself hundred percent like i think a lot of people think that closure is like hooking up with your ex one last time to like be done with it like which is most bananas idea to me in the world Idea closure comes to you in the form of Reassurance from your partner that you weren't right for each other you know or some lake mutual peaceful acceptance that you know. You're you're better off not together something like to me. That's not true closure. That's like you basically needing someone else's permission almost to move forward and like the whole idea you need to create closure yourself like you had to find a way to do that. I can't give blanket blueprints on on what that looks like for everyone but i think it comes from everything that we touched on so far but then from there. It's like no it's not easy everyone's different you know i. It's tough for me to give blanket advice and say you know. Being single's is amazing for everyone at every age in every city and so on. I like i'm in chicago. i'm thirty two. i'm a man like it's much easier for being single. I understand that. But i think like if i look at life like i'll never i don't like you'll never look back and say i regret being single like i never. I never heard someone say that they. I regret shitty relationships. I regret. I regret being putting myself in this scenario that scenario. But i've never heard someone say. I regret that time where i was just single and discovering things like i've never heard anyone say that because ultimately hopefully that'll come at a point where you're looking back and reflecting so long winded way of saying it comes from creating that closure for yourself not mutual closure closure but self pointed closure and then aligning bat with a sense of a day one gratitude. That single really is your superpower to drop my Cliche book title Really is like you'll never regret being single. You're you regret the things that you do poorly you regret the decisions you make when you know. You shouldn't make them. You regret the things that you do learn aligned with your truth and your but i don't think you'll ever regret just being single so like trying to find a way to make peace with that like that's how i do. I think that that's helpful. So i think you're psychic because that is our third scenario. Which is i'm single. I've been single for awhile. What is wrong with me. Why are so many people coupled off. Even people who i think aren't that great have found partners. They said they say there's a lid for every pot whereas my lid is there something wrong and i you touched upon a lot of this already in You talked about your journal. Singles your superpower. And i. You've already i think like for me already talked about the first step which is finding closure from your previous relationships. When you're single. I would say most people who are single aren't actually single. We talked about this in previous episodes. Yeah they're not the single either into getting out of something or someone's consuming your mind. That's not exactly a mental relationship with someone still so step number one is finding that closure but shifting the mindset to really embrace the power of single hood and seeing it as almost a privilege one are some other tactics that people can use for that. Yeah i mean you nailed it. That's big part of it. Like i love being single like i love being selfish and doing my own thing and just being a nerd like whatever and that's great so like freedom is a big thing. I think the other thing is like i look at life and i look at like what my goal is in life. You know you could say things. I just wanna be happy. I wanna be fulfilled but ultimately my goal is to minimize regret. I don't wanna die and look back and have regrets. And i think a lot of regrets we have in. Life are things that we came to believe. That aren't based on experience right. We believed someone what someone else said without seeing touching and feeling it smelling exxon's fourth so with that as the context i think that being single's the ultimate opportunity to experience things for yourself and figure it out for yourself not just like what you like and what you don't like and what your track the do and those kinds of things but that's very important too but it's like i always. I always think it's funny. You win like. I'll read a dating articles catalog or something. And it'll be like fifty red flags and like wow a lot first of all fifty but all right go on. And they're all these ones and i'm like okay. Well that's definitely one but like that one doesn't really like things like that. It's like i need to go out and see if it's a red flag for myself. Writing regret comes from a assuming other people's truths as your own.

01:00:05 - 01:05:04

And i can be in any sense that could be a career that could be a personality anything like that but dating. It's so true if if someone says that a guy who isn't overly romantic and doesn't get you. Flowers is like is doesn't deserve your attention like yeah romance. It sounds great. But maybe that's like until you experience yourself. Maybe that's not that important to you. Because he makes you feel a certain way to jump to a conclusion and like soup things like that right. I think like being single's the ultimate opportunity to go out there and see and touch and smell and whatever insert verb here. You want to experience things for yourself and make your own conclusions. No more assumptions more conclusions. No more centers like that's the whole thing and to me like that's awesome. There's no greater way to take power of your life. Then prove things for yourself and i. That's the greatest opportunity. So when i mentioned earlier that's just like that's just click title right. It gets but it's the idea for one if if you if you do know you're y and you do to find someone you've gotta get out there like it's not gonna bus to your wall like the kool aid man. Come and find you like they say like dash deliver. Yeah exactly you know instacart yes tip. I don't even know what they look like anymore. With their ballots. Go downstairs so. I can look at disney case. You said something. I totally. Because i look at myself. I'm single right now. And i'm like in my like mid thirties. Where you're supposed to be settled down right and i actually look at it and i'm like i don't mind being single. It's the fact that society has told me that. I shouldn't be single and i should feel badly for wanting to be single and i think that's the mindset shift the needs to shift right to get like. Is this what i want. Or is this what. I'm being fed. That's the biggest thing you're tossing me. Softball this is great. Great interview like we're not. Don't worry you're so thirsty right now. By my biggest thing at my biggest thing. And i and i this is always my vice. Anytime do interview if it's not about dating about anything. Give us like a one liner or whatever. It's it's i this on a podcast while back. It's that there's no right way to live your life okay fair announce but there's a wrong way in the wrong ways to think that there's a right way like that's the biggest thing for me. I think like we put ourselves in corners so frequently in every sense of our life. Oh i haven't made a million dollars. Because that's what i'm supposed on With someone. Because i'm thirty five and i'm supposed to like there truly is no right way to do that. I mean you could look at yourself and find validation of that. I'm sure everyone. Canada sense. Like i make a living from posting pictures of my feet on instagram. With quotes like clearly. There's no right way to to make money right right. And the and the same goes for dating and relationships. I think like it disappeared. the. I think there's always going to be pressure like poof. Go away but i think there is a lot of peace and freedom. That comes from recognizing that. There's no blueprint no right way to do it. And no matter what instagram tells you like it. It's just. It's just not true as i to me like that offers like so much freedom like makes me calm down when i do get in that pressured mentality but i mean yeah you nailed it emits totally up to you. The timelines totally up to you. It's so important to recognize what your troops are and like. You said case like we can't take other people's troops as our own for example. The other day. I went on facebook. One of my high school friends posted like fifty bucket. List items you must accomplish in your life at least refers and one of them was like go to florida and other was like witnessing die. I'm like no i. That's not a bucket for me. She was like heart next to once you've accomplished. I'm like no not true. But i think we'll see the same thing with articles like fifty things you should think about when you're single fifty things to do to make yourself more dateable and it's not. These aren't universal so it's like tapping into yourself and your intuition of what single is about. Yeah yeah yeah. Those are. Those are interesting bugger. Yeah but i mean he goes on. Yeah i mean. That's that's like. I mean i think you're truths come from your experience like i'd be hard pressed to think of a truth in my life that i have truly adopted that i haven't done or experience myself because i would be so disingenuous to yourself and you would feel the new deal misaligned so i think like that's the case like being single getting out of a relationship no matter like how you ended up being single. It's like the greatest opportunity to hit reset on so many things right. Hit research on your y so that one you can look back and like validate that you're out of the relationship for a reason because it doesn't align with your way and then that you could find closure in that and then you could use that to move forward to you know find invalidate or create new.

01:05:04 - 01:10:04

Treats that are important to you at this stage in your life that you maybe didn't have previously like guess chapters. I my latest podcast. Episode was zygi of life isn't just one long chapter. It's multiple chapters in like super super cheesy of course but like when you look at it that way you're much more apt to make changes. I think if you consider live to be one long shop they're like oh shit like i make a wrong move there. It's going to plummet me but if you look at it as multiple chapters and you can open and close You know the them accordingly it just like it shows you that your happiness is tied to words like grace and humility like the enthusiasm to close a chapter that even if you didn't want to close it you're okay with it because you know you can open up another one and that one you can discover truths and valid at your winds and so on and so forth analogy because it's also like you have to close a chapter in order to open a new one. You can't skip ahead because they don't know what's going on. This is really important. I do wanna park this idea of digging into the why because i want to do this. Exercise with julius. We need to do this but do you think some people are just too good at being single to the point where they don't wanna find love what do you what do you say to those people Yeah to be honest like i. I'm i haven't gone on a date and a year in which sounds weird coming from the guy who gives dating advice. I have plenty of experience like mid twenties and early thirties. I i love being single luggage. So like i've grown so much through it so i don't. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. Like i don't think is forever like forever. I know eventually. I'll be like all right. It's time like. I've got my selfish. Selfish quotes not a negative thing my priorities i'm realigned with wanting to find that person who's aligned with my why and ends on it's oversaw If someone's like. I'm scared that i don't wanna relationship. I would say that's fine. Don't worry about eventually. You're going to evolve in want to maybe you're the outlier and you truly never wanna be in a relationship while there you go. That's validation that there's no right way and you could still be happy either way. I think there's a pass. I think another thing is like this kind of goes full. Circle your posted quote. That i pulled out of like that. It doesn't need to be either. Were so much like. I think for so long. I've thought to like. I like being single ben. Does that mean. I'm not a relationship person. And some like i've seen at least in my own self and i'm sure others have too. It's like i can thrive being single. I can thrive being in a relationship. It doesn't need to be so like a to option. it's not mutually exclusive. You're not. I mean that's so true. Everything changes i mean. You could wake up tomorrow and not want what you thought you wanted the day before like. That's the gift of being human is the power of choice and then the power of action to to act on that. So yeah i mean it's and it's or it's it's yes it's no it's whatever you want. In in the moment. I see no problem with that at all. I was just going to say that because nothing is permanent. So whatever you feel today just take a mental image of it and do do regular check ins with yourself. How do i feel today about being single. I feel today about where i am in my life. And just keep doing that because you are a dynamic person you're gonna keep changing. That's why i think journaling is so important in out my on products which is journaling in general or some kind of conscious question asking is so important like i developed his journal concept people case. Why did you put this one question every single day like we did it. You think it's an important question for sixty days. I'm like well do it for sixty days and then come back to me and tell me how your answer changed a lot if it was the same then. You probably aren't being honest with yourself like i. I mean. I don't know maybe because i'm like kind of. Add like over sixty days. I'm gonna all over the place. But i feel like it's human nature the change and you just need validation of that any need to do the little check ins in some way to kind of brain dump. How you're feeling. Because i think if you don't take the time to like analyze yourself and not like cycle analyzed like mercury in retrograde. What's my sign. What's going on kind of vibe. And no hate there. I just i always never really garsten that. But asking yourself pointed questions about how you're feeling versus how you want to feel and then finding what's the path to doing that one day you might wanna feel this way the next day you might wanna feel another way but unless you figure that out you're gonna you're blind your dislike letting the win drift right so it comes down to what we opened. The podcast with self awareness like self-awareness awareness is everything self-awareness guides. Your why guys. Your intention guides your action everything so clearly a big fan of self in case you and i gotta do a little bit investigative work with julie because i wanna know her y for dating. Oh yeah i mean. I think my why i definitely have a side similar to case said of someone that helps me grow into lake the best version of myself. That's the selfish piece. But then also someone that i can also help them grow and support them and build a life with someone.

01:10:04 - 01:15:09

I think that's really ultimately is like i want someone that is a life partner. That really is a partner. I think the key word for me is partner. I love that. I think that's i think that's very human one of the things that i didn't believe into answer but i think is really really important. That a lot of people settles helpful. As i did this episode. I called it a what. I call imperfect love for perfect people. No perfect people the other way around clearly. Basically talking about this idea of you know. I have friends who are single in their thirties. These are men well off side good looking dudes right they bring them people that wanna meet long put up put their handled description issue. I i talked to them. In like sometimes the conversation is like man i just. I don't think i'm always going to be single. Because i can't find the perfect woman and then i hear another side to man first of all. I'm giving advice here from something. I haven't live because i'm not married and i haven't found the perfect person yet but i think we need to drop this idea of the perfect love so so hard like an i get that i wanna find someone i'm physically attracted to and that will last forever. I wanna find someone who's successful and driven. I want someone who's funny. I want someone who's compassionate and kind and all these things but at a certain point you're gonna you're gonna find someone who is so so compassionate and empathetic and funny and driven but they're not your your peak vision of of physical attraction but that's going to be totally fine because everything aligns around those more important things or vice versa. Whatever it may be the physical thing erodes some other things but regardless like i i just find these conversations where it's like it has to be perfect as to be absolutely perfect and for me. It's like the perfect thing about relationships. I've had in the past in like my vision for the perfect relationship is how that person makes you feel. That's it everything right. I mean that. How do you define connection. It's it's a feeling right so it's like think about like when you think about your wives the reason i brought it up. It's like what is the feeling associated with your y and there's lots of different adjectives you bring up. You could say supported or vulnerable or driven or whatever. Figure out what that adjective isn't like that is what makes a relationship in a per person. Perfect not like your your bullshit checklist. So many people. I knew i thought i think by other wives thinking about this. As you're saying it is like someone that fully sees me and i fully see the perfectionist. Like no one's perfect on. No one is perfect like the end of the day. I think you know that. I love this. Whole like how they make you feel. Because i feel like for so long and i'm sure others can relate to this like when i was at the peak of my life. Cereal dating life because your life. It was my chapter okay. The chapters closed on a new chapter. Now so my cereal life chapter that cereal day non life cereal dating chapter. I feel like with that. I was always just trying to see like did that. Person like me they to go out with me again. I never thought about or did they fit the criteria. Like casey were saying today. Good job today. You know look asserted. Way all of that and i think ultimately it is all down to the feelings and like there's techniques to like this is gonna sound super buji but i'll say anyways you does this but one of my favorite things that i would do is like the started. Actually after really bad breakup but i would go to The hot springs. In sonoma's and i would i literally went by by salford like one of the things and now i do this on a semi regular basis and it's like a couple solid days of reflection where it's like you have your journal. There's different books i've read. That's like visualization techniques and stop and like one of them was like. Can you imagine how you would feel like on a saturday with your partner. Like how what would you be doing. How would you be feeling like all of that. And i think just getting in touch with that stuff does help you recognize when it actually shows up in. You can see those feelings. I love that. I mean could see for doing that. I think that's a great opportunity resettlement. I think all these things go hand in hand so powerfully right. I talk a lot about the law of attraction for example. Similar idea right once you develop your y you're gonna want to visualize it right but the law of attraction for me isn't isn't about visualizing what you want it's it's visualizing what you believe in right and when you believe in belief. Belief is a belief in the truth and the truth is a feeling a truth is a value. It's something like kindness empathy or confidence things like that. It's the same same for your y. All these concepts go hand in hand so well together you know it comes down to a feeling visualizing a feeling aligning the feeling with your y and so on and so forth and then you know validating that feeling based on experience when you're your face and things like that.

01:15:09 - 01:20:10

I just think it's always funny to me talking about dating relationships. Because what we're talking about right now isn't particularly groundbreaking. Everyone knows this stuff but people don't act on it and people don't iterative on it enough right. We don't think about it enough so it's like we're not reinventing the wheel here we're just pointing out the fact that there is a wheel and you need to stare at an ally an often through some kind of introspection practice to to your point exactly what you do and cinema or journaling or something like that just forces you to evaluate. Why are you doing what you're doing or even more fundamentally. Why do you think you want what you want. Do you actually want what you want. You think you want what they told you to all these different layers to. I asked this all the time every five minutes. Why am i this. But i think correct me if i'm wrong. Your wife doesn't need to be as profound as julie's why either like your y could simply be on board. I'm trying. I'm trying to find companionship. Or my wife is simply. I want someone to hang out with on saturdays. There's nothing wrong with that because our wia can change so don't put too much pressure on. What your why is my why i love that because my why when i remember a friend of mine and i think this also gives you kind of a cue to wh-what you're look actually looking for like i remember back in my cereal dating phase chowder. Like i said my whole face okay. That's really point okay. I remember like telling my friend. I was looking for a relationship. And she's like are you. Are you really like show. That's what you want. Just your actions aren't really doing that. And i remember my wife of why i wanted. Relationship was to have someone that would go out with me and my friends. And i'm like okay. This is actually a sign. That maybe i am just looking own party stage and that's okay. That's where i'm at right now. That's a good point. Both you brought up. Yeah i'm really glad you said that. 'cause yeah coming up with a deep complex value driven y like relax. You don't necessarily need that right now. It depends on where you are in your life on. How many wise you had before that y right you have many. If you're why is he just wanted f. Then that's fine. That's good for you. Like i'm not gonna judge has just done just friends and farm and also like myself case like we do this. This is like our lives right. I i'm not. I'm not letting you off the hook of asking what you're why is out but like all of us like we are introspective. We like mindfulness and changing mindset is literally what we do every day. So i think yeah. Meet yourself where you are in. It's okay if you're not at that stage. I think that's a really great point. So you love your and i. I do want to speak for not speak for. But i want to speak for myself. Who is in a relationship so my why is not for dating but my why is why am i in a relationship. Sometimes when you're in a relationship you have to ask yourself that to put myself here and my first y was I want to create memories with someone. And then i had to dig deeper like why do you want to create memories with someone is because as as an only child. I didn't have a chance to mold a life with someone it was always me and my parents were from a different generation. So i always want to share my life with someone and then i dug a little bit deeper than that like. Why is it that you want to share a life with someone. Because i want to mold a life and create a with some. I'm and i realized that my perfect partner has nothing to do with person really. It's his willingness to mold and share a life with me and want to keep our life evolving into one. So that's my wife. But i had to dig three layers down to find matt. Hey when always say we gotta dig into the. That's why that's a quick wise technique. There's actually research about the first time you say why the second time you go deeper and vice versa. Yup yup. I love that Yeah i love talking about why. I always thinking zealander where he's like. But why male model sears told you we just talked about it. I love going deeper right. I love going like asking why as many times as the three wise. I've never heard of that. This is one of those things. I talk about but didn't know was the thing you could break down any problem any frustration anxiety by just asking why until you hit that common denominator. So that's great. I love this podcast episode. Give us a shout out. That's a good one for hours. Gosh should we go into takeaways. Because there's so many. And i mean i think the ultimate like what we're saying with this is take like reframing your mindset isn't something that needs to happen overnight i think that's something that's really important to say as a takeaway like we've all talked on this episode about his different evolutions.

01:20:10 - 01:25:08

How you dig deeper like this is something that just it keeps going in different chapters of your life like all of that so i think like that piece and then also having compassion for yourself. I love this part about you. Know just because you go in one path. Does it mean it's forever. What can you learn from it. What can you do to like. Use that to get you back on the path that you want to be in your path. My zigzag over time like things change like i know for me personally with. There's been times where. I've been all about finding that partner and other times where i moved to a new city and i was just trying to build a life for myself like it doesn't need to be static of like i want this. I don't want this like just let yourself just get that fluidity. Yeah i love out. Yeah great takeaway. I have three words as takeaways. That hoppy the why there you go. That's it that's my takeaway boom mic. Drop the first so the three words are intuition gratitude and appreciation so the intuition part is comes from our earlier conversation cases that i feel like what you've stumbled upon comes from your intuition which we all have moore for some reason. We don't listen to our intuitive self too much. We always are looking for other people's paths that paved or other people's advice. Like what would you do in the situation. But we forget to dig deep into a how we function as human beings. A lot of what we're saying could be common sense is just that we're not digging it up from ourselves. We're trying to look for elsewhere and this idea of gratitude is really great especially when you're closing out a relationship starting relationship giving gratitude to your current situation where you are today and and just and just knowing that that you are a privileged person by being in your situation today whether you're single or not and the third is appreciation and someone. I heard someone told me this. The other day they were like practice appreciating everything that leaves you. So it could be physical. Could be like throwing away the trash. It could be like giving away money or it could be giving someone a hug. And then they leave you or it could be digital you. Know like digitally sending money emoji give appreciation to everything that leaves you and then it will make you more mindful in your actions. You don't take these things for granted so when you let someone go in your life you appreciate them. Thank you for being my life. Even if you don't tell them to their face you say it out to the universe because that already changes your perspective on on someone leaving you. It's not so much a loss anymore. It's just. I'm appreciating miss. Oh i love that so much. I just add a point to that. I really i really vibe with that. That's my other favorite word. I'm surprised i haven't said vibe in this episode. i'd say it go. I'm going to work towards the end. Here yeah i mean. There's a quote that i reference on one of my episodes. Like you erase the mistakes of your pass. Your as the wisdom of your president and i think that's so powerful because we tend to look back. I failed relationships and we want to raise them. We're like i wasted my time. It wasn't real all these things like. Okay yeah it didn't work out in a wasn't right but look like what you know now so exactly to your point there you can carry these things with you without wishing them away and then to your first point about intuition everyone has intuition of course it just depends on how self aware you are that intuition and then how willing to act on it but at the great thing about intuition just the tie together is your wi comes from your intuition of course but once you tap into your intuition it becomes a superpower because it gives you purpose and gives you guidance. I think a lot of the times the reason we're frustrating dating is we're just. We're just doing stuff. Where swiping saying yes when we should say no or say no and she's like all these different things because we don't have like a north star but the great thing about once you tap into your intuition. You're like okay. My intuition is telling me that. I need this in a person and my why is this. It gives you a northstar. Because i wrote about this in my book. I called it a called it putting it down flipping in reversing it The idea that whatever it is that you're looking for in a partner. Let's say you're looking for someone who's kind right. Which just like really boiled down like how can you expect to find someone. Who's kind unless you're kind yourself that you're like okay. Well now i have a purpose. My purpose is to be kind. Obviously that's the simplest example ever but like it gives you purpose now. You know what to do right so you're not just like waiting and hoping and kind of blind doesn't tell you exactly exactly what to do but it gives you gives you purpose. So that's i love how everything ties together like that. I think the why is so important. In that i guess is another takeaway have like i love the i mean we we dig into the while the time but i love what you were saying about just like what is your personal y as i feel like we're always looking at like the wise of modern dating and what's happening by people do the things they do but like.

01:25:08 - 01:30:02

I love this personal. Why because then you can look at all these these thoughts that come in your mind that we all talked about these like jolts that happen when you get broken up with like when you break up with someone if you can really point to your y. And see how they weren't your wi. That gives you facts. And i think having facts is really important because if we don't have fax we create stories in our heads and that's when we tend to tie it back to ourselves and why were the problem in all the stop in just like a bad slippery slope. That's a downward spiral that no one needs to be. It's like how do i focus on my why and what works for me. And that's why journaling. So great you've got a paper trail. Yeah totally all the evidence. I think the recording it like you don't have to do a podcast case. You've been a voice memo week if you're not someone that likes to write like i feel like that's a great way to get things out or just like having something that has prompts like i think that pieces like a really good part to get the thoughts going even spots and we wanna record like we want to record your thoughts to case so one final question for you is what do you think. Being dateable means dateable While i mean the most cliche answer in the world is just being real. Of course. Because i think the second year not real the sooner you're setting yourself up for failure certainly for one when you're not really your intentions aren't aligned to fusing as as apt to anyone else like it's just going to be confusing. Be putting out all kinds of weird signals. I mean like everyone is. Debatable is not lovable. Right and i think the the predicaments. We put ourselves in our win. We're trying to be someone were not or were not being a well intentioned with what we want so both those kind of evaporate when you settle on. I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna be real and not easy like some people being like well real. The real me is boring. Like the only doesn't have that many great things join the club man. I mean there's people everyone's average you're setting yourself up for failure when you think that you need to be you know some some really cool dude or women like just yourself like you'd be so you'd be surprised how many other people are having the same exact dealings and you just kinda dropped that that layer there you. Would you would be so much better off so yeah find your perfect imperfect person right. There all comes back. Yeah this has been so great. I think i mean like we always say the dating is all about mindset and really the only thing you control intimidating is your mindset so all of this. I've already started to reframe some of my mindsets shifts from this conversation. I hope others did too and case if people want to learn more about what you offer your journals your podcast your relationship status. Where can they stock you. Instagram's best case dot kenny or new mindset who does dot com but the ground you can get. You can get everything there seem. Your podcast is on every single player. Oh yeah yes so everywhere. he's earlier. I mean this is a great way. Like i all about doing like the retreats like i betcha realistic on a day to day. So you know put on new mindset who disk and you get like a little little tip every day journal while you're at it right there you go. Yeah i actually on the podcast. i do. These things called music. And mindfulness where i team up with deejays and that you can work out to it so even though excuse. There's no excuse you can work out. You could sit and listen to you on a walk the other day and it was like it was really nice. He though you're lucky in nature and then you're reflecting on your own stuff. Great appreciate that. Thank you just so creepy. How many people are out there. Just listening to you over and over again you. They are case. I feel like. I really know you like told all right. We're going to wrap this up thing so much case and for everyone who's left us Reviews apple podcasts. We really appreciate it if you haven't yet please do. So because these are the reasons of how we get great gas like case. I mean like you at our apple podcasts. These girls are legit. Alright i'll go on it. You know in between his dinner breaks the editor number one now. He's about to start their number two. He's like okay i will. I will give them some time. So it's super simple and quick just five stars legal and love. These girls are so great. That's all you need. That's okay we're going to wrap this up a little. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Five more podcasts. You'll love at frolic dot media slash podcast to continue the conversation. I follow us on instagram. Facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcasts.

01:30:03 - 01:30:37

Tag an any post with the hashtag. Stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts then head over to our website dateable podcasts dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well. As articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums roseau downloadable for free. On spotify apple podcasts. Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and more.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.