S11E16: Body Image & Dating

Dateable Podcast
December 1, 2020
Listen this episode on your favorite platform!
December 1, 2020

S11E16: Body Image & Dating

Join us as we talk with Erin about some of her past experiences and how she held onto the idea that her relationships (or almost relationships) didn't work out due to not being thin enough.

Body Image & Dating

How much does body image play into our romantic relationships or lack thereof? Spoiler alert: quite a bit. Join us as we talk with Erin about some of her past experiences and how she held onto the idea that her relationships (or almost relationships) didn't work out due to not being thin enough. We discuss how body image impacts us all regardless of our shape, size, or gender, how to re-write your own narrative of what makes you attractive, and why we need to be a bit kinder to each other through it all.

Thank you to our partners for this episode:

Function of Beauty: Save 20% on your first order at

Episode Transcript

S11E16: Body Image & Dating

00:00:01 - 00:05:02

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves.  I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable. Show all about modern dating where we talk about the wise some. Why why does this happen. Why do people do these things and like. Why are we so awesome. No kidding. Why happy thanksgiving after after thanksgiving week. I guess you call. This is should be something to celebrate. We made a through a major holiday. We did it. It was a little weird this year by you know it came out ahead this quote. I feel like that. We put up on instagram. I feel i captured it off. All it was for anyone that did not following us at instagram here. Not get on there now. But i thought twenty twenty would be the year. I got everything i wanted now. I know twenty twenty is the year. I appreciate everything i have like. I feel like that really has This year has encompassed that one hundred percents. It's a year of reflection and thanksgiving no matter how you spend. It was a moment of just pausing and refunding back on this crazy ass year and just being grateful for those little moments said probably you. You didn't even think about in previous years like this year. Just having the privilege of eating a really great meal mainly not in my tracks and think wow very privileged to be able to eat this wonderful meal. We did not have turkey. We had duck duck and gorgeous and amazing and mom made lobster tail. I mean the whole thing was just absolutely wonderful and being able should but at the shoot house. I think we planned this month serving turf and no turkey. I'm is incredible. She's incredible cook but being able to spend the time with my parents. We drove down my boyfriend. I drove down to la or to so cal from nor cal and you know just having the option to do that was also just something. I was really grateful for totally. I mean i've been really happy that i've been able to get back at alike. It's been a mixed bag with travel. This season for sure i think going the week before was a very smart move for me like i know like not everyone had the luxury to go and take off work or whatever but i think just seeing like the crowded airports when i went there was like very few people in the airports so i think that was definitely a blessing and then to not have covid and be with. I mean we did a very small gathering this year was just my two parent my mom and dad and we got food from to your parents. Might you that's apparent-. There's something i have told you as opposed to my normal that but i i was able so i saw by periods. I feel like. I've been able to see people in smaller sets this year so i saw my parents for thanksgiving and then my mom and i did a day trip to see my brother and my sister loss. We drove three hours to their suburb. That they live in new york by. Bob was like you cannot use the bathroom. Like oh my god this is gonna be. She'd it what a stop like. It's red of the story in public baths. Like i don't know if i can make it but i'll do by three hours. So yes so i'm sure this is everyone's tuning into a dating podcast. But i learned this trick so this is good for anyone. Would you eat bread. It like curbs your bladder. Oh absorbs a and you eat bread. It's a win win situation and so that was fun. Did that that. I got to see my aunt and uncle today at their. They have this new dog. I'd always set you a photo. Us so cute. Davis vouch cheesy foudy. No way that up very smart yes exactly. I don't know if i'd want to remember this time forever. But i guess i will be every time i see that thoug- dorm adorable. I never thought i would say that but found. She is horrible also. He is a kid. He's very soft. The dog that is. Maybe you don't spend funny though. Is i've been actually like using dating apps while i it here.

00:05:02 - 00:10:07

Ed rich people in san francisco still. I'm not like trying to like get on the apps with people. Boston only going to be here for like a month or so and i. I feel like the suffered at our group. Iv bench at this new term life like so dead. because i've definitely seated uptick but one of the challenges. I've had is that i've told some people that have bought like we're having a really great conversation and that i sabotage boston that they just like disappear. No wait. you're talking to people in the bay area still. Yeah oh no you get it. I wanna local. Swipe i get it though. I get it though i've turned dislike. You do the video. But i i have taught to seven. They have been great and people not all people. It's just like there has been a little bit of a trend of some people being like wait like one guys like often like he's like he's by a little far from me but here's the thing though if you are a bay area person in boston for the holidays. There's gotta be other people in the same situation. I was thinking about this. You're never the only person in in the in this situation in particular do some local swiping. You might be able to find someone who is similar to you. I have been talking to people that have been turned off by it. So i think it's okay. Finally if theory what is a month especially right now cova types like where you are at l. a. It's back to lock doubts right. So i feel like san francisco might be headed. There sued like realistically like we might not be meeting up. Even if we were the exact same place you can take it real slow for that month actually. I do think it's crazy that the soon as we got down to. La there were like were closing outdoor dining three weeks. I mean for the. I think we were here a few days before they closed everything down so we ate out every meal. Oh yeah we gotta get just to take advantage but also such a privilege to be able to eat out link what that felt like. Oh you don't like to not do the dishes to not have to cook. It's a beautiful feeling and it's also a time like if you think about all those previous years of thanksgiving all the body shaming that media companies. Do the day after thanksgiving. Oh working off that turkey turkey run. There's like burning off all that food This year no. You haven't had any of that. Just be grateful that you had food with people that you love exactly well. Speaking of body shaming. That is a aim for today. You know i feel like this is bid. I mean we have an amazing guest. Aaron this actually all stemmed from our facebook group so shout out if you're dotted the facebook group love of the type of kuroda definitely joined. It is the most happening place on the internet. I'm gonna keep playing in that way because that's what it is. Trey marcus that we had. We have this post. I think this post went viral with a big group. If we could say that she put up a post about body image like has anyone else experienced this in literally like. I think this might have been our most commented on post people were coming out of the woodwork. Everywhere like women women of all shapes and sizes you know like it was really just like universal of how much body image really impacted all of us when it came to dating. And that's how she phrased it. She's like a potential podcast topic idea and we were like. Hey dealing with the fogcast. Is you just volunteered yourself. So it was really great because she had so much experience and you know like we really get into it but some of it. It's like comments that people make passing can really sit with you for a long time. And it's it's so crazy like how people can just meet these comments in like rolls off your tongue and it really like eats up people self esteem and i've been there myself personally like this is always been a struggle for me and dating and i don't know what the answer is this i'm really hoping janice our moderator poses the question to hear people's but i go back and forth because unlike on one hand it's like you don't wanna let this get in your way you know it's like you're never gonna be perfect you want someone to love you for who you are so like keep going don't let your we get in the way of dating like the you feel about your spotty but then on the other side if you don't feel good it's really hard like wanna feel intimate and like wanna like yourself in that way so like i struggle with it because i know for myself like the times i have taken a step back in like felt better about myself that's when i do attract people so it's kind of chicken and egg but also like not ideal just to be sitting in limbo waiting for that like perfect time when you lose like x. amount of pounds or you gain x. amount of pounds like you just not doesn't work that way either i think sometimes we just forget that our bodies are so different that we can't learn like no magic formula that works on my body that will work on someone else's body this is why i love all this like genetic testing and dna testing because like in addition to the podcast.

00:10:07 - 00:15:00

I work in the fitness industry. I've been in this industry for a long time. And i'm surrounded by extremely fit people but everyone's journey is so different. I can honestly tell you. There are some people in this industry who don't need to work out. They who can eat whatever they want and still look extremely cut and fit and then some people who've struggled their whole life so their body becomes their trophy because they had to work so hard but ultimately. I think it's not about this image. And i think that's a problem with our culture is that we have this image of what an ideal body looks like. It's really about the ideal healthy body for you. I think is the key word. I've seen people in the fitness industry. Who are extremely on healthy. Who look like they should be there know. They've got like the six pack abs. Do you know what they do to get the six pack ads. They don't eat for a six-day straight. They don't even drink water just so they don't have any water weight too so they're six six pack can show through and then there are other people in industry who can eat pasta the night before a competition or whatever and the next day they have like eight ax. So you can see on unfair or you can see it as i just need to think about. What's the best for me. A my body right. I and i think it is a lot of it is like we says about everything but is mindset shift like. I know. I'm never going to be like a size zero. So it's like. I could be upset about that and let that like determine from dating and think that there's no one likes my body shape or i can like embrace who i am like. You can obviously make your get in the best shape for yourself the healthiest for yourself. But at the end of the day like a lot of it is just your own way. You process it. I think that's really great in this episode erin talks about a lot of the work. She did just come to terms with who she is and look see the beauty of who she is she truly is a beautiful person and she also has a has a basic podcast called accidental bad ass and a lot of this was fueled by like some of the stories she said in this episode is shocking to be like. I have not heard of people getting this much like believe in criticism for their body type like it's crazy in just how she's processed this and needed like a positive thing is actually truly admirable so i'm glad she was able to like funnel that energy into something like this accidental asked podcasts. It just how she liked us herself as a whole now. I think this conversation for us we came to the conclusion that a lot of this body shaming comes from people's in curitiba and i don't know if this is a controversial topic to bring up or not but we did have to kick out someone from our facebook group who yes did exactly this. There was a Someone posted something about just getting over like kind of body image issues when it comes to dating and this man posted this very inappropriate comment about how he said when he felt the most insecure is when he went for women who were plus size or something right and then and that really fucked it was really fucked up and how he thinks. He thinks that like with people who are more confident that they wouldn't do that. It was really. I don't know he was trying to do like a backhanded compliment. It was definitely very insulting. And i'm glad we kicked him out the group they're still people who think like that. Who who let them their insecurities drive these thoughts of like what's the perfect body right and i do say he was dateable listener. He was a friend of someone so while we do encourage friends to calm but also be careful. You invite because you're stamped is kind of on them. So this point that out we've had no issues with dateable listeners. To be honest a lot of it's been friends that's been the challenge and yeah. I think we needed assumption. Like all your friends represent you so. Hopefully we don't have to keep doing that but you know we're on it. If something like that happens like that's not okay. Like that is not a this. Poor woman was like coming to just like get and this was not right. Not what she wanted back. I love that. I love that. The group checked him though they were like no. Yeah that is not ok. does about each other's back but yeah. This is a great episode. The super excited to air it other announcements that. We have quickly before we get into all of this. If you're not in the sounding board yet you're hear us keep bringing this up because it's just so wonderful. Were so excited. We'd just got off the call with some great coffee chats. And that is one of the perks. If you're in one of the tears is a tear for everyone. So you can go to stateable. Podcasts dot com slash sounding board in. Read all about it but we have audio series of events. One coffees with you. A and i but also just an amazing community like really between and the community members.

00:15:00 - 00:20:00

You will have your sounding board. These people to really dislike. Be there for you and not let the bagri. Get in yeah. We don't allow douchebag although do spikes to. I'm sure they have their own sounding board. Let us know if you do find a dish. We love to invite them and we also wanna take a moment to thank our sponsor for this episode function of beauty Just like body types. There's no one size fits all solution when it comes to hair care. We've all been there. Where friend recommends a shampoo. They're obsessed with. And then you try. And you're like. I really don't love so functional. Beauty is all about changing that mindset that there's no one-size-fits-all they formulate haircare specifically for you. And how specific. Well they have over fifty four trillion. I don't even know how many zero's that is a possible ingredient combinations to make sure the formula is as unique as you. All you do is take a quiz. Just tell them about your hair. They determined the right blend of ingredients and they deliver these personalized formulas in this really cute bottle that juliet. You're very proud of this. What did you call yours. Function of dateable. And as the internet's top rated customize haircare brand functional beauty has over forty thousand real five star reviews. So what are you waiting for. Go to function beauty dot com slash dateable to take your four part hair profile quiz and save twenty percent on your first order again of beauty dot com slash dateable for twenty percent off and let them know you heard about them from our show. Dateable dysfunction dot com slash dateable lovett. Doubts fit you. Know unfortunately are black. Friday cyber monday sale is over. But that doesn't mean that you cannot still by our incredible birch. The you know there's a lot. The socially distant yet emotionally available. That is off the shelves and the court. Tv for fuck boys lied. I definitely may have ordered myself. Thank top but we've been loving people. Sending us like Even it it's desgrippes stories that you been purchasing the bugs and you know we took in some like request to to get zuhdi call line and masturbating line. So you know. There's a lot of great stuff on there. Like obviously like we're super excited about at the reception has been amazing. We can't wait till you guys start receiving your item so if you did already by definitely posted her. Instagram stories are audits to grab about your merch. But if you haven't bought yet you can go to dateable podcast dot com slash shop. And if you're sounding board member you get discounts all the time. You don't have to wait until black. Friday all day Another reason to join the sounding board are merch. Line is like the progression of a relationship. Like we're just starting out. If you're like i'm sorta committed to these girls. You get a sticker right and then the next step is like a muggy because now every morning we offer you think of us and then the next step is maybe a fanny pack. Because you're like okay. I'm hearing stuff. Like i trust these girls to hold by important items and then the final step is like the loud sweat shirt orange click. That's when you know exclusive relationship you're committed to us. That is our merch store works. Ah volusia committed cord. Perfect boys sweatshirt or btf basque. I'm not sure oh my mask. That's i who i saw somebody. The basque i would one hundred percent approach them. People are always asking like how can people approach in real life. Gave you like ten different. Lieber slides lines socially distant yet emotionally available right there. I may have also added that to my profile to now we just need a shirt that says kovin negative will go along with the mask you know just to double reinforcement my workout. Well just in and of course. Obviously there's so many ways you could support us you know by either joining the sounding board or purchasing march but also we totally get that people you know are struggling with copay of. That's not on the cards right now. Like tele fringe. That's another way of giving back to leave us a review. We always love the good reviews. That's it helps so much helps us get those great gas. So there's other ways to give back to if you've been listening to the show in for a long time and a great episode to tell your friend about would be our last week's episode. That was all about turbo relationships. People really good so. Many people have been in turbo and we went through. We went through this whole story of a relationship and came through some breakthroughs. I think that was the most important part like. How do you learn from these turbo relationships that they don't last that long but they go so deep and passionate which is also the inspiration for our.

00:20:00 - 00:25:05

Would you rather for the week was. Would you rounded back. Everyone would you rather be in a passionate deep but tumultuous relationship for one month or a stable caring yet stagnant relationship for one year in. There was a lot of discussion in our facebook group. About what the word stagnant means really interesting. Got very fixated on this. We had to bring out a definition but some people were saying like a stagnant. Just comfort is stagnant. Just no sex is like people had their own definitions to me. Stagnant just means. The relationship is not progressing it is at a standstill changes. It a little does it. Because i think the stable and caring the words that people were drawn to for the one year relationship but the stagnant is what. That's a wild card so what what is your response. This is so tough. Because i think when i thought stagnant originally i thought it was just like kind of like boring but not lean. Still progressing is tough. I think i i. I was originally going to say the opposite's i'm actually flipping on the fly. Now that i've got it support it insiders info here. But i think originally i was like i'm so done with like that one month one. That really kind of like gets you excited than fox you over essentially because you get like you build this future and like all this stuff in it doesn't happen but if we're talking about a stagnant relationship in theory you've actually invested more time into it and it's not going anywhere so i think i'm gonna actually go at the one month. I preferred neither. But if i'm gonna waste time at rather waste one month in like a year in like a future that's not going anywhere. Yup yup what would you do. I so to me i was in a one year. I was in a two year. Oh yes stable carrying yet stagnant relationship and it was nice but i didn't learn anything so i think it just comes back to. What do you want to get out of it. What i learned was. I didn't want to be in something like that again so i would choose what you chose a rather learn as much as i can in one month than learn not have many learnings year. But we're totally opposite from the majority. Seventy five percent of people said they rather be in a one year stagnant yet carrying an stable relationship than the one. I think it's really. It's a reflection of the times. It is it's a reflection of the pandemic where people really wish they had. Something stable had a partner or they don't they don't need that one month like here to here and gone next day. They're craving that stability and a lot of people said that i'm cravings -bility right now i could see that i mean the one mont does like there's something that feels so unfinished about it. I think it's like if stagnant wasn't just not going anywhere and it was just not like super exciting. I would've picked the one year hands down but the idea of it is not going anywhere for so long with knowing that in opting in is troublesome to me. Yeah i you can argue it either way totally and then some i. Of course a lot of people said i'd rather just be shingle if those are the two choices of. But that's not how would you rather works. I tell you guys like it's so funny people's reactions to you and you post it. They're like why would you post is it's like it's a game of extreme like rather just lock myself in a room by myself and be single forever. I'm like i'm sorry. It was just like it puts ethical question. Maybe there should always be a third of lock yourself. It'd be single for that is a really good idea. Give you like the wild card. Yes yes or be like kidnapped into a cult shoutout to us. Axa who. I saw the street. Ed definitely ignored me literally. Watch right by evid. I was like oh look away. But maybe he didn't notice bass cow. Your how weird is that. I we've been broken up for almost three years. And i've not run into him one. I've seen least julie's run it him. It's okay in one time. I was at a hookah hundred percent. See me but this time. I literally walked right by him and he looked at me then looked what he definitely saw you. Julius like well. I was wearing my mask. Maybe even recognize me. I'm like no. Julie definitely saw you recognize you. It's it's not like you're wearing like a uniform or whatever he didn't just disappear behind your mask well enough about access.

00:25:05 - 00:30:02

Let's get to this episode about body image with aaron. How much has body image played into your dating and relationship life. That's the topic for this episode and it happens to be one of the most popular topics that was brought up in our facebook group. That aaron you posted about yes had hundreds of comments and likes and emoji feedback. What was the most fascinating about that post was. We had equal number of women and men who chimed in about how body image impacts all of us no matter our size our height our age our gender or ethnicity really doesn't matter because it is one of those things that's so personal that we are all insecure about or we have some sort of some sort of blocker about in so. I think it's great that we're taking the time to make an episode just out of body image. We previously had a guest on named natalie who we talked about Body of mitch. With and she wrote a book called every body beautiful. And it's about time it's been a few years it's about time we'd bring it back and really hone into. What does it mean to have this relationship with this image of body image. And how does it affect your relationship. Life erin how are you. Are you staying warm in chicago. Yes i warm thankfully i stocked up on sweaters like every year. You have to add layers. Yes i'm staying. Well you're so used to it because you've finished kogyo since the age of thirteen year. Forty four now so basically all of your life. you've finish chicago. You're pretty much used to the weather. And it looks like you're taking a dating sabbatical their narrative that you have in your head is relationships have failed in the past because of your body type. Tell us more about this narrative in and why do you think it plays out for you like this so that is a big bag. Lots to unpack on. I i when i was growing up my father. You know. twelve years old or remember vividly. He just unloaded on me. Some very crappy stuff. And i know now as an adult. That was his issues but he would tell me you know. If i didn't lose the baby weight i was never gonna be lovable. No-one would love me in those words like that. Explicit oh that explicit. Yeah and how old were you when he started saying the so yes. I was twelve years old when he started to say that. It just stuck in my head and you know i got into my twenties. Met my my ex-husband now. But met my ex husband. And even when i was married to him there came a point in our marriage where he kind of repeated the same father had repeated. You know i. I'm not attracted to you. I don't wanna take you place else. Because i find you unattractive and then he asked for a divorce and that was seven years ago and so i had it programmed into my head that hey because you have a little more on your bones your little curvier little thicker. But you're an attractive your undesirable your unattractive and for the longest time. I mean we're talking a longtime lot of therapy lot of stuff. I believed the reason why my relationships didn't work out was because my body was unattractive to the men that i went out on a date or eight swiss out so i feel like to get that message from that early age from a male figure like i definitely feel like growing up. My mom was always like watch. What you eat blah blah blah. But i think having a male figure explicitly say that his definitely got to get in your head with it and then you said all the way to your ex husband. What about inbetween that like. How did this play with other people. You dated along the way or were you not dating that much. Yeah i mean. I was not none any stretch of the imagination to me. My interpretation again where this narrative the programming that i had in my head and the narrative that i had was when i would meet people and are taxed over phone calls. They would say And these could be blind dates. These be apps they would say. You're you're great Oh my gosh you are.

00:30:02 - 00:35:02

You know i love your energy. You were so awesome. Just all these complementary thing and then we would meet up or you know we. We've made up. We'd go out on a date or sometimes and it's like yeah. Yeah i just like more as a friend. I heard that so many times even people. I met organically i. Have you know a list of just. The guy friends are like. Oh my you're great. You're great woman. I love having you my life and just not attracted to you and a my head is just like because they don't like my body type and i can step back from it now and see that. That may not have been the case. But i heard it so often so often i remember being out with a big group and everyone else was eating and i think like i wasn't that hungry at night and a guy that kind of interested in had made a comment like finally going on the diet. Hough thank god. Yeah like oh you know when you lose like twenty five pounds like like come find me they will you and i was just like one of those like and that was probably a couple years ago and it's just like what the fuck like are you fucking kidding me So yeah so like when you hear stuff like that gutted me for the longest time and made me not want to date. Actually i would take long dating breaks because you hear that repeatedly now from the time os divorced until now it's been seven gear. I've had in full a longer term relationships in between there so obviously it's not. It's not every guy. I ever went out if you know it was still kind of you. Got that feeling. And it's like i don't know that i ever question what was wrong with me. In my head. I felt i knew what was wrong with me. Was the way i looked and specifically might say body type i can totally relate with your situation of the guy friend. That's always like telling you how hot every other girl is that in makes it seem like because you're not you don't look like them that makes you not hot but that's more inferring blading in your face. Have you had anyone else say staff. I'm just like so baffled by these. Oh god yeah just feel like if you can imagine it. I've probably heard it for gosh. Let's see your tits are nice but your but your stomachs to large said that explicitly like were dating or just some rando like what was the context of it so there was one. It was summer wearing a really cute top. V neck number and Some shorts. And yeah he was. Just you know kind of i was with a group of friends and we were all just kind of hanging out and kind of flirting all with each other and you could tell he was the one Who wasn't getting hooked up with the rest of the the women in my group. And i think it was just his own. You know i'm gonna put you dominant put you down so i feel better about myself so yeah it was just like well. Yeah your tits are hot but like almost be like yeah. I think the top half as you do with the body like oh we'll just your proportions aren't enough. Yeah so just sit. I have developed really thick skin. Me no wonder you have this like this doc of your by like it's hard and that's pretty natural. It's natural reaction for all of us if we keep hearing the same response about us and then we keep turning that response in to the narrative. We have in our head vin in the end. Our conclusion is these didn't work out because of obviously this reason and it's i think all of us have been through that there's just one thing that were insecure about and sometimes it could be the type of people you're attracting based on what you're putting out there. I had a conversation with this friend of mine who had very similar narrative in her head when she finally took inventory of the men was attracted to or was attracting they preyed on women who had insecurities and if you look at their dating history. There only dating women within curiosities of all shapes and sizes. Because that's what makes him feel powerful. That's what makes him feel masculine.

00:35:02 - 00:40:08

But it really fucked up these women so on one hand. It's how you digest information on. The other hand is to really look at like the energy. You're putting out there. And what is sticking that energy. Yeah i think a lot of times. Where like evidence seekers to like especially when especially for women. We're kind of fed this narrative from a really early age. I remember like looking through all the magazines and seeing like you know i remember it was like super bottles like people that you looked up to when you were younger in if you think you don't look a certain way you start to think that is what like that's all men. Want all people of whoever you're trying to attract want and i guess like for you. Did you have any situations that helped you. Kinda see like okay. This might just be a limiting belief that i have. Has anyone ever like told you how much they loved your body weight giving you. Compliments far fewer The the guys. That i probably have gone out on several dates handful of dates or the ones that they dated more long-term they would and even that was kind of framed in the. I love your squishy parts. Which i've just come to leg. It's what i have. I don't you know. I have squishy parts. I own it. My body type and configuration is either not something that ever comes up in the conversation. It's never the center of attention. I have great france. I have great friendships and have had relationship where my body has nothing to do with anything you know. It's my my brain. My you know my wit my sense of humor that what attracts people whether it comes to my daily life or even friendships and i think that reminds me. Maybe in the past had i felt was judging me just on the way i looked like well the majority of people you know friends male friends female friends the relationships the people i did date for maybe a couple of months and things didn't work out because timing. It's like that helped me that will. Hey wait a minute. The reason why this didn't work out had nothing to do with the way i looked. You know the reason why. This didn't work out as we were too busy or it was just a bad timing. Timing seems to be my biggest issue lately but probably more recently started to started to notice that. Hey it's not necessarily the way. I look is why something didn't work out almost to offset all of that negative. I have developed almost like a hyper sense of self confidence. Like knowing that. Like i m kick ass and a lot of things i do i excel at everything. I put my mind to almost as if in my head like overcompensate for like i m cute like i believe i am an attractive person. Pretty is I hear all of the positive stuff to tell. I look at my body in the mirror. And i i do do that practice of i love you. Hips nylon you boobs. I you know i had a lumpectomy for years ago so i have like a scar on my my right breast and i look at that like nope. You're beautiful you know. What the a symmetry in your boobs. I love you to lakes. I mean that's amazing. I feel that is. That's really what you should be doing. I think that's wonderful that you're doing that. I think a lot of the negativity has helped feed and give me energy to accomplish things that like a second degree black belt in karate i swear to god. Half of it was fueled by just hear anger of no a father with issues and ex husband. That was mean. I only stopped doing martial arts because i had so many injury like joint deterioration because i pushed so hard so fast so when i said the big bag of stuff twin pack kinda differently or to. This too was said father who kind of said unkind things actually died earlier About a year ago it was very sudden is very shocking.

00:40:08 - 00:45:10

While it was sudden command to know he was sick. It kind of broke me open for lack of a better word Because it's someone who hadn't a strange relationship with for the last year and a half get to say goodbye. How his death was handled was very mysterious. And still lot of questions and bring all of that Because the lack of closure the lack of getting to say goodbye just the general lack of anything with this man who had such an impact just made me so sad like i had a hard time with the grief process. Very early on in the years sought out counseling. I've seen therapists for most of my adult life for various issues early on in the year. I that was something that i knew. I wanted to get a whole dove and deal with my grief. Appropriately and a constant dame at came up was throughout my whole life. Not just dating but that. I'm not enough. That i'm not pretty enough. I'm not this enough. I'm not bad enough. One of the things that came up within. That was the how i look and the dating aspect. My therapist very wise. You know pointed out. There are plenty of women and your size larger thinner. What have you that have very loving relationships and to work on. Don't always isolate that. That is the reason why don't focus so hard that that is the reason why so. I have tried very hard. And i i call it deprogramming my head because it for her. You know thirty something. Here's really felt to me. That the reason why things didn't happen in my life was because of how it looked because i was a puncture girl woman and so that's been a huge part of it is working on kind of removing that that narrative that programming in my brain. That's like yeah it's there were other factors at play. None of them had anything to do with you. Erin it was probably the other person and you need to give ownership back to that person for why it wasn't time. Don't own the reason Give it back to them and don't automatically default to oh woe is me. They think i'm ugly in. That's why okay. Let's pause right there because we have a big announcement from let's face it. It's a weird time to be dating or developing relationships. Have you recently decided that you want to make some changes to your love life. Maybe you've recently reentered the dating scene. Maybe you've gone on one too. Many dates that went nowhere. Or maybe you're ready to take your current relationship to the next level. That is exactly why we created the sounding board a true extension of our podcast that delivers a personalized experience which includes one on one coffee dates with us. A monthly dateable live after show exclusive audio content and much more allow julian. I become your dating. Scher us to provide real time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board again. That's dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. Okay let's get back into this combo. I think also like i mean. I even felt like recently. Because i've definitely gained some weight during the quarantine time this year obviously has not been as active in jeff elites have turned to some comfort food and i was like date recently in. I admit the thought did cross my mind like is he not reaching out because my photos are for when i was ten to fifteen pounds lighter and i was like. I can't believe this thought is even going through my mind right now and i had to like stop in take a step back and think about it but it did go through my mind and sometimes it is really hard to untrained ourselves for this type of thing. I think like what you were saying though and this has helped me in the past. Two through therapies like okay. There are people in all types of shapes and sizes that are in healthy relationships. It is not like only super skinny. People can be in relationships. Or whatever in i would love your thoughts erin but like seeing in our facebook group on the post you made pretty much like all women of all sorts of shapes and sizes commented like even i think i'm janice who's our moderator who does like health coaching like she was saying you've been as like a one hundred twenty pound five six five seven woman.

00:45:10 - 00:50:01

She got body. Shame like what was your reaction to seeing. This happens to everyone. Experiences it in some shape or form. Yes the response in that facebook group to that post. It was eye opening refreshing. Almost gratifying to see. Wait a minute. i'm not the only one i mean. I figured i wasn't going to be the only one who you know. Maybe put thought behind how body image would act my dating life. But to see the varied responses how hair is styled with their body is like what they've been shamed for being too thin or perceived to be too thin and that's the women want some of the men's started to hop aboard the conversation. It opened up a whole new just right way of looking at things and the way you know men have tended to the judge women will fail. I won't data guy under whatever i'm five. Four so to my height requirement. Sixteen is usually the deal. Still unrestrainable unreasonable. And or he's too hairy or he doesn't have enough hair. We're hearing men chime into this conversation because this isn't just a female issue body image. Isn't dust related to women by the time it you know we head kind of wrapped up the conversation within that particular post. We all came to the conclusion that. Hey don't be judgmental. Ask when you're dating. Everyone is d lene with some kind of insecurity everyone. Yeah it's like. This is the part i don't understand. There's no alignment in what people say. Their preferences are and their own shortcomings. So we you know. We have all these matchmaker friends who say will. My clients are so unreasonable because they may not be everything that they require their partner to be. I want her to be athletic. And i wanted to have thirty. Four double ds and i want her to have a phd but at the same time not working on these things myself right. So that's another way looking body image and just personal image that is just like we keep casting other people like this is what i think. This is the movie we're all in and we're casting characters and at the same time we're passing ourselves into these roles that aren't fit for us and it goes into like this conversation again. Erin you brought up hair. This is a huge discussion in the hollywood world where actresses would change their hair color and then all of a sudden they be cast as a leading lady because that is what a leading lady looks like. I'm curious you've done some experiments with your hair. What have you found. I have soho. I had fiery red ginger locked for about four and a half five years up until this february and i loved my red hair. it just seemed to my personality. You know fun Fiery just fun. And i loved it what i felt like i got so much. Negative attention got great positive attention when they would be out on the street or shopping or or out at a bar back. You know back when you could be at a bar. I get random strangers. Mostly women walking up to me and telling me how much they loved. My hair though is nice very affirming. But then i would also get negative attention for men. This went on for years. The day that i walked out of the salon the first time and i think when i first converted to the red hair i know now put needed that. That extra boost. I needed that. Little shock of of confidence. That happened my stop and probably needed a little bit more of that. Hey i want the attention. I'm going to be a redhead. Now so i did it for and a half five years and i received a comment on new year's eve the comment with some you know some guy had been flirting with me all night. It was nice. I was there with a bunch of friends. And the guy was getting progressively drunker. Earn almost immediately after the stroke of midnight. He went up to kiss me for new years. And you know let him peck on the cheek. And i kind of pushed him away and he comes back with Oh come on. Don't be a tease. come on. come back to my hotel room with me. I've always wanted to know what it would feel like the fuck a fiery redhead. Come on come and he's in.

00:50:01 - 00:55:00

So i'm like me back. Hof he's like come on. You shouldn't your bitch suck my. Yeah and i won't. I won't fill out the rest that became a defining moment for me. You know. I'm not so sure that this red air is working in my favor anymore. And i started to wonder and actually researched a little bit searches on red hair. And its impact dyed red hair on its impact of dating and perceptions people had and then i also look like from a professional standpoint because i also heard some things professionally that i was constantly referred to as just the fire. Acker at work. You know the wild firecracker at work and once. I came to this decision that you know. I had hair appointment coming up in february. I was gonna see we throw like a brunette rents over the red. What would that look like. And so the guy who does my hair we did it and it looks really cool and i going out to a bar meeting my friends that night and some people didn't recognize me and you know my whole family. 'cause i went home that weekend for something for my family owned my god i love it. You look like such a different person or 'cause that was play months before you know things started to shut down when people did you me. Even people who've known me for years. Even coworkers had made the comment that i now they looked so friendly and approachable and nice and sweet and nothing else changed except for nothing else changed about me but my hair colour and i will say i stuck with the brown hair. I love it so much now. It feels more me in the red hair dead and over the summer and into fall when i have been on dating apps. I have seen some guys that matched with before and the of guys who had actually met off of dating absorb re-matched with couple of these guys had made comments seen me with the dark hair. The brown hair saying like what happened. What happened to the red hair. You so fucking with the red hair mike. Now you're just blah. Ooh though now the hair-color and i i remember at the time my belief and now i stand by this even more is changing my hair colour. Basically i do blend and more i. I do with my brown hair. Don't stand out as much as i did with the red hair. But now i i s- thankfully people a half talk and exchange and communicate and i'm not just sticking out with the red hair and people are making assumptions about me. It's year let's have a conversation. Let's communicate so yeah it's been very from it. It's very eye opening just to change my hair color. So i had a therapy. Zoom is the first time my therapist. See me with my haircut. Because you know. I'm lost track of time on hair stuff She's like you're absolutely glowing like that haircut in something that i was so freaked out about when i'm like oh my god it's it's gonna make face looks so pudgy bubble blah and like when i've gone into the office when i saw my there like no you're glowing like the hair and it's just one of those like you know what i feel like i like i finally quit. Quarantine did was made me focus on all of these things all the stuff. I needed to unpack mind. Peace with Like yes yeah. Yeah this is. You know what i'm not gonna let all this other stuff that's been cluttering my brain like all the all the crap i had heard or my brain so much and just yeah it very very. I love that. Because i feel like sometimes to like you think like oh i need to lose like ten pounds. I need to lose fifteen pounds but sometimes it's just the mindset reshift. Yeah that's exactly what you're saying that you feel competent. Yeah yeah and i think the thing that people when people dole out the negativity. I think what. I've found what chalks most people is how i come back with like well. I think i'm like that's nice that you think that but like i don't i think i'm about why and gas. I'm wondering if do you think this is more of a generational thing too. Because like i feel like the way it's at least helped me back is been more in my own head that i'm like.

00:55:00 - 01:00:25

Oh i'm not getting as many matches as i probably would if i was like size two or something like that's how it's played in for me personally and i i personally have never had this much or heard of that. Muchly bleed int- conversation. I know another member of our group who's also in her like mid forties janice mentioned the one that we brought up earlier that like she had men being like. Oh i only date models like even you at one hundred twenty pounds like are too much or whatever like do you think. This is a generational things i feel like men. Their even younger like would never dream to even say something like this. At least out loud. I don't know both thank. I don't know generational. Or if there's a certain subset of men in their mid forties that are just assholes. I say that because yeah jonathan i around the same age and i will say i've not i. I am one of those people who will date outside of like the ten year age range. So i've been a cougar. And i have been the much younger one in relationships. I have only heard this kind of you know vitriol from men around my age so in mid for and i don't know if it is best guess best guess is they're angry from the marriage that didn't work out in their pissed off about something. This is their way of letting the wrangler out on women who otherwise did them wrong. And i could be wrong. Could be completely off base. But i've only ever heard kind of a certain age group of men seemed to say this as like yet. Like your cheerios fellas. Because i it's unnecessary. I think it goes back into the evidence seeking mindset. I i do believe there. A lot of really great men there mid forties. But it's the unfortunately who stand out in the more you look for that the more they appear we can maybe blame it on generations. I would also say these men have gotten this way because they've gotten away with it that peop- that women haven't stopped them were chirped back and said nope that's not. That's not right there. They just keep steamrolling until someone stops them in. Fortunately these men are just you know. They're kind of like a lost cause if they've they've had this happen to them for decades that they've gotten away with it but i'm just floored that you have not been aaron. You've not been with someone who celebrates your body the way that you do and i think we can do all the work we want. We love away. We want but our partner should also celebrate. Everything is hugh. I keep thinking of this movie. I feel pretty with asia i. She's i love that movie regardless how other people see her. She sees the hottest girl in so does her partner. You know exactly as she's like confused when other people don't find her attractive she. I just don't understand it because in the mirror. Ice the hottest thing ever and that's what the partner should be doing as well like the partner should celebrate every inch of you. The reason i save a generational thing. And i still kinda do have. This is a hypothesis a little. I agree it's not every man in their forties of documents like blanket statement that but i think this day in age like what you were saying you a got away with a guy who think back when this behavior starts to fester. I think there's a couple things at play like the magazines that we were all exposed to back in the day. Like cosmo for women What some of the amend cute mintel maximum maximum. That's thought i was. Yeah i feel like the maxim. Was i remember i used to read maxim just like try to get to that i think we to but it was so toxic the wave women so i think that's why i think of that generation picking this up more just because of what they were exposed to you and i think current day women would not stand for this as much so if a man said it like we put up a i put one up in our facebook group that i thought was easily on tiktok guy basically being like like. How can you tell a woman to lose weight so they can become more healthy. I i like roll. My eyes and i was like what a douchebag can't believe. He's going to go off on this and he basically his message was like you should go become a doctor like go to medical school for seven years. And if that's too yeah shut the fuck up. And i think that message is being told to men more now than it was back then and i think that's why i think men in their twenties in like even like early thirties like don't have that mindset as much so i don't know when i remember these websites in the twenty i i don't remember them being big in the twenty teens.

01:00:25 - 01:05:02

But there's little pickup artist. Exact on the art the art of the nag right on how to. Yeah yeah and ira. And i'd like to think so. Men my age you know men in their forties Men maybe like in the early fifties ally. Swear i just you know late thirties. Mostly mid forties. I don't know if there is a you know a lot of men that subscribe to that in still think that it works and so that's what they're doing is just hard to unlearn right like higher. Tonner yeah right right. And i will say when i respond back because i don't think the men that have said things to me. I don't think they expect me to respond back in the way the vine normally will and i actually seen. It's it's almost kind funny. I have friends who love to go to bars or went to bars with me to watch howard respond to men. Who would do that kind of thing. Because i will say stuff. I don't care if i piss you off because you were mean and cruel to me. I will respond back and not necessarily in a sweet gracious kind. Angelic manner like i. Will you know. I'll say something and my friends. Have you know there was a time. They'd love to just sit at the bar and watch me respond back and just walk away in like just see the responses on the guy's face because you can tell the guys don't expect to hear me you know telling them something so besides like fighting off you know because i think that's like obviously it's great that you clap back stop but i don't think that should be on your own. Yeah yeah right right. So how like. I knew i know you talked about it a little earlier. That therapy was a big part of gaining that confidence. Like what advice would you have for someone else. That's dealing with this like how you haven't had that positive reinforcement in at least very tangible way with how do you still see yourself in the limelight that you should you know. That is such a good question because i know for me in. I have apologized to my younger self. I've written myself the younger letter to say. I'm sorry i wasn't there for you. I tell myself my body every day. And i believe it a truly believe it that i am a beautiful person inside and out and for other people who might be struggling with it. I guess that would be. My thing is believe it look at yourself and find all of the beautiful parts inside of you and outside of you because i refuse to believe that we are all beautiful inside and out and to find that my other thing would be in this is this is kind of an external way of looking out but be an empathetic dater. This almost goes back to what you were talking about earlier that You know with though we look for things that we ourselves don't have an no one. I c conversations about appearance and apps and i think that's it's something that just got s- me and makes me feel sad about dating apps is how many how appearance based they are and to me. It's i really do try and look. Maybe it's a pollyanna view of of things. But i really do try and get a sense of the person and not just their appearance. I think because of how i have been talked to or because of my own things. My need my my celebrating myself. I want to do that to other people and with men out there celebrate accomplishments. Not just the way they look so. I tried to practice empathy. I love at someone argue. A good person you know argue doing stuff to make the world a better place or are you just showing up because hey Hot and. I think i'm hot stuff and that that's all i have to offer the world so i try to be that and i would advise anybody listening to e an empathetic dater. It's you know. Put put yourself in the shoes at everybody else in recognized that you to have your own laws.

01:05:02 - 01:10:12

Everybody does so yeah. I guess to me for anyone struggling with like okay. Where do i get that confidence. I feel it. Confidence is one of those things you have to fully mercer self and you have to believe it. I think that's the one hundred percent you have to believe that you are the beautiful creature or handsome creature that you are and not just make it lip service you know. Don't just write it on an index card or post it and put under mirror actually believe it yet believing believing is the hard part because before you believe in something you have all these doubts in your mind so i think that's like the biggest hump to all of this just having confidence in general is truly believing but i think step number one is being open to believing that you are this beautiful creature just being open to the idea of it. Think something you said and both of you when you bring up the generational topic earlier just made me think of this. Take away which is like. I think we have to practice what we preach and we are all each other's consequences. I think a lot of these men were probably bullied or they have these insecurities that were brought out by someone else and they feel the need to make other people feel small so we're all each other's consequences and it's unfortunate favorite favorite quote that i think i made out because i can't find the source but also this idea of we got a practice what we preach and i say this because i think generational only why we see this with men in their forties and older is that they grew up with this pageant culture where there is miss america miss usa into bunch of women strutting around for men to comment to comment about their bodies and their hair and their makeup but at the end of the day. It's like we are not out there for other people to comment on us. Like i am not for you to my body's not out here for you to judge but because of media a native feel at men were in control of commenting on women's looks and then if you look at current day these are coed pageants you're on right like if you look at through any app as you're swiping through your swiping through a pageant and you're commenting on everything on their looks and their profile. So i think that before we can be offered end and also be with a partner who celebrates us. We also have to be less judgmental of other people if you find yourself in the thought of alum judging this person's height i'm judging this person's looks or what what they're wearing at least. Stop yourself there and recognize. You're doing that because we're so accustomed to doing that nowadays and it's unfortunate because we don't want other people to do that to us. We shouldn't do that. Other people to totally i was gonna say takeaway. We're all in takeaways now. But i think the other one i had is the flip side of that is like i find it really unfortunate that someone hasn't celebrated your body and i think we will like i really do. I like people really should be saying stuff to people because you just never know like like when you say a comment that stains someone. You never know how it's going to affect them. Also when you give a comment that praises them you never know like the impact that it will make like ido for myself like the saying that your whole film. It needs to come from other people. Oh yeah but hearing it does like put the people that haven't felt that way. You're like okay. I don't need to appeal to every last person like there's some people that find me attractive and that's all that i really need. I just need someone that truly sees me for who. I am and loves what they're seeing so. I think that is really important. That as we're all dating is to complement our partners like in whatever way 'cause you just don't know what people's insecurities are in like until especially until you get to that place with someone that you're willing to share them the early stages that could really make or break. How someone how they feel about themselves and also how they feel about you. So i think that's one of my major takeaways and then the other side is this stuff takes time like i. Even i feel like i've come to terms with this stuff. But it still creeps up as well like especially. I know i'm when i gain a couple pounds like i'm not feeling my best. I need to remember that. I've had so many conversations with friends to that are like. Oh my god. I've gained like fifteen pounds. I feel uncomfortable or ten pounds. I can't believe it. And i'm like i don't even notice on you but i get it like as yourself. That line of like someone in the facebook group said like i go on this line of like love me the way i am versus like should i lose a little weight to be healthier and i don't think anyone should ever tell you to lose weight unless third doctor of course in you're seeking professional advice like that guy from tiktok said but i think if you feel better about yourself than that confidence is easier to have so.

01:10:12 - 01:15:04

I don't think it should just be like a kind of excuse to just do whatever either i know for myself like i do feel better when i'm healthy and i'm in a good place but i also think that it's okay if you have setbacks like sometimes right the whole package of who you are and also the future like the evolution of who julie will become who aaron will become who you will become for meat like i struggle so much with aging right. Now i'm about to hit forty next year. And i feel everything changing from my hair to my skin to my body to muscle aches and i'm insecure about the things that are that. Are that used to be so easy for me. In my twenties and thirties and i see that is so not easy for me anymore but i appreciate the fact that my partner can can celebrate my evolution and say i love the grey hairs that you're getting i love that you don't look like five year old. I didn't want to date a twenty five year old. So it's just like the partner has to celebrate who you are today but also also celebrate who you are tomorrow and celebrate all the decisions that you make for yourself not the decisions they make for you right. everyone. I've learned on the way everyone has insecure shows up in different ways. And i think. I'm not saying that it's ever great to hear someone's like hails with dating in relationships but what i've heard along the way is it's people that you know ours like what you think of as the person that has. It's super easy. Because of the way they look they don't have it super easy all the time. And i think it does put into perspective that humans are humans at the end of the day and some people are going to be attracted to you. Some people aren't and it doesn't mean that you know like everyone's attracted to everyone. Everyone's experience some people thinking they're the hottest thing in some people not right right. I'm definitely accepting applications for if anyone wants to swing on by my instagram. And you know tell me. The i'm i'm single. I'm single i'm kim. Yeah yeah no. Like and i do when my friends when you know even my family and friends say like you know you are a beautiful soul. Your beautiful person like i do actually here that In your frigging gorgeous for the record. I wish i what i heard. You say this. I was shocked. Because like what i look at you. I don't see eddie about stuff. So i think culturally to do so many systemic changes in our beliefs in how we speak to each other as women too. I always think back to that scene from mean girls. Were there sitting at the lunch table and regina's like i feel fat and she's looking on the table asking for other people to tell their insecurities and what gretchen. I think had no insecurity. She just had to make one up just much. Just like how we talk to each other. Is we almost talk about insecurities as a way to bond. Why don't we flip that. I mean we have. We started conversations with my ass. Looks amazing to let. It was just starting to lunch brunch. That way like pair is looking good right like you just need to just turn it positively and celebrate each other more to totally and i think like i really do hope. Men are listening to this. Because i think i've also taken away that i need to be a lot more conscious of men's insecurities like i know. We'll make jokes all the time about height that can really stink people you know like if there is a joke about high like people making that subconsciously in like every time a woman says i only date someone. That's like five eleven plus like anyone. That's under five eleven. Know that they're feeling down about. I think we need to really stop seeing this stuff. Like women cannot be upset. That men have weak complexes. We have high complexes like it needs to go both directions about this on one of our insurance like a couple of weeks ago about how a guy lead with the height.

01:15:04 - 01:20:02

I think that's very different than just being certain height in like some guy like commented in youtube that was like Women should have to put weight on profiles in. It's like no men and we'd actually have heights on the profile either like really brush. Those should be gone. My why does that exist but point. We've had of having empathy for the other person. And then i think like i mean the best relationships i've been in is when i can openly talk about this stuff with my partner and i think like that is the ideal where we go like. What you saying to you like someone that you know like not just yours you but loves you for what you're going through but someone you can also vent to about your insecurities like i think. That's okay because it makes you. It makes it open for them to also do the same. Because you know everyone has them. Amen amen to that. that's right any other takeaways. I think the other thing is like if you don't have something nice to say disturbed sites like why. Why do that like. How is that helping it. Anyway it's just vicky yourself feel better but like make yourself feel better another way. Yeah and let's keep keep each other in check to find that your friends are commenting about someone someone. That's just totally inappropriate. Tell them to stop save. That's not appropriate even if they're if it's not to your face it's still like the energies out the whole in someone like subconsciously. Feels it so you're perpetuating that culture exactly exactly hopefully by the next generation gen z. Or like what. I've never had anyone talk about by looks. I don't care what i look like. That's my wish. Okay so this. Very quick anecdote. But i was speaking to a group voice like a few few days ago and 'cause they were on dating apps and they want my opinion and all of them are in there like mid to late thirties and all of them are scrolling girls who are twenty two to twenty five and my question to them very. I was like why this age range. We'd how old are the boys mid to late thirties. Okay when you said boys. I thought you meant like oh yeah i i did i was like are you talking to boy is then who were in their late thirties. Only scrolling through girls who were in their early to mid twenties. And i asked him why they were doing this and one of them kind of had to hesitate and think about it and he said well. Isn't that what we're supposed to do is that we're supposed to scroll for girls. Who are ten years younger. Isn't that like the social. Nor and i had to just be like hold up. Why is that the social norm and keep peeling back the layers on why. That's such a rooted image in their head. But i think it goes into this body image thing too is when people scroll for people who are only skinny. Like you have to ask you. What is it in your head that makes you feel like that's what you should be looking for the. Why am i rooted from your own personal interests or just like you feel like. That's what society wants you to do. Aren't there studies that like there's higher like poured people look up horn of heavier women than irwin. There's a lotta. Yeah and it's like there's almost like you're not supposed to do this in real society. But i can do it behind the screen and that means that their preference probably is actually for a fuller figure woman interesting anecdote that hopefully my mom isn't listening. Well sorry she listened to data does she is a cool. She actually this episode. She probably would just because it's me but no so to that point. I definitely have had a several more than a handful of invitations to have that friends with benefits kind of situation ship because it almost speaks to that you know i find attractive enough to want to sleep with but not to be seen with publicly nan. And have you watched the show shrill have you. I love that. Totally provides me of that breaking made her like climb up the back. Yeah it's the porn thing. I've definitely heard that statistic to that. It's like it's almost. It's okay this is i'm what you actually want. You know physically. But you know won't admit to your friends kind of thing and to that i just you know i think back in the day when i want that kind of attention it's like oh this feels flattering and then i woke up and realized no that's not flattering but Yeah will hopefully ben. We'll have the confidence to just dito. Oh good with what they're attracted to not just like. I need to fit this stereotype or be made fun of like that is terrible terrible events that we have yeah.

01:20:02 - 01:25:02

My last takeaway is to celebrate all kinds of bodies and celebrate your own body that You know. I'm the only person i know who actually celebrates the wrinkles on my face because to me you know i look at it. It's like well. That's because i laugh a lot. I've laugh lines. Because i laugh a lot or wrinkles around my eyes because i i laugh. life has thrown me a lot of crap and i still laugh or you know again i have. I look and i celebrate all of those things. And i look at other people's bodies you know or help. My friends help people you random person in the store. It's like nope you are a gorgeous creature. I like celebrate each other. People that concept might seem sound foreign or hokey to some people. But i think i don't think we do it enough whether we're wanting to date them or just random strangers. I feel like we need to do more of gift. That random person trying on a shoe or a shirt that complement in them. How cool it looks whether it's a man or a woman because you know i think as we said you have no idea what someone's going through and how much to that small compliment or even if you're matching on an apple someone if you see a shirt or something on someone on an app and you just want to swipe say you know what you have gorgeous ali's rate color on easy. Why do it goes a long. Yeah you know to bring it full circle from the very start is we're talking about our last guests or we did this topic natalie. Carry that every. The author of every body beautiful. She made a comment. That stuck with me that it's like it's to your point about celebrating your body in loving it. It's that you know like your body. Is your power horse like this is what's getting you through like. Be happy that you can walk down the street like be thankful for like what your body is giving you instead of just being upset by the whole time so i you know what i remember about the episode to is that she did pull right. Yes i did. I for nine years and so do black belt in karate and also pull dancing so Nickname was pulled. Ninja for awhile but But yeah like when you think of it that way like yeah. Look at all the stuff that my body has accomplished. Its yeah got me through a lot. Young girl cut enough like i. Sometimes i'll pat myself with guests way to still be standing despite how many times you've had crushed knees or whatever guay to take pole dance classes. 'cause i'm totally down with that. I think everybody every men and women. I will say truthfully pull dancing. Did a huge headache. Huge huge impact. My confidence Because you feel sexy even when you don't in pole being able to be more comfortable with your body is what all dancing is all about to find the sensual. Nece within within you. I mean i. I can't advocate enough. I think this is a great way to wrap up the episode. But this was so awful so thank you so much. Erin for sharing so candidly with us. Yeah this was great and it makes you want to challenge free image. I have in my head of how someone should look the reason. Why now we dead. Deadpool dancing was because she's like not every dancer used to look that way. the what. you're picturing your head so. I challenge everyone to go out there and find something where you want to change. The face of what that person is supposed to look like. I think it's a it's a great way to to get out of your comfort zone to try it so it another great way to get out of your comfort zone actually should be near. Comfort zone is to leave us. The reveal apple podcasts. The you know we do love compliments as well. It goes a long way to tell us. We have beautiful hair or tell us. Our podcasts is amazing. And if you give ascribe stars we will definitely swipe back on you. Super simple apple podcasts. Some polite to liner about why you love us and five stars. That's all we're asking for. And it really affords us the ability to get more fantastic guests like erin who's who's willing to open up with us and Continuous sustain our podcast. It's a big deal for all of us so those of you who've already done that. Shall we wrap this up. Stay long the dateable. Podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more. podcast you'll love at frolic dot media slash podcast to continue the conversation.

01:25:02 - 01:25:44

I follow us on instagram. Facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcasts. Tag any post with the hashtag. Stay dateable and trust us. We at all those then head over to our website dateable podcasts. Dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well. As articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums russell downloadable for free. On spotify apple podcasts. Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.