S11E17: Dating with Depression

Dateable Podcast
December 8, 2020
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December 8, 2020

S11E17: Dating with Depression

Whether you've experienced depression yourself or loved someone in the thick of it, it can be difficult to navigate relationships if you let it. We're chatting with Tony about how he's been managing his own depression and how it's played into his dating life

Dating with Depression

Whether you've experienced depression yourself or loved someone in the thick of it, it can be difficult to navigate relationships – if you let it. We're chatting with Tony about how he's been managing his own depression and how it's played into his dating life. We discuss the stigma still associated with depression especially for men, how you can support yourself and others when mental health challenges arise, and why this doesn't have to hold you back from finding a loving partner.

Disclaimer: We are not medical professionals and this reflects our own experiences. We recommend reaching out to a therapist beyond this episode if needed. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or have a friend who is, to reach a 24-hour crisis center call 1-800-273-TALK, text MHA to 741741, or call 911.

Thank you to our partners for this episode:

BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month of online therapy at with the code DATEABLE

Thrive Cosmetics: Get 15% off your first purchase at with the code DATEABLE

Episode Transcript

S11E17: Dating with Depression

00:00:00 - 00:05:02

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves.  I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

Welcome to another episode of dateable. A show all about modern dating modern romance. Modern love everything modern in these unprecedented times as we dig into the whys of people's behavior wise of your own behavior. Kovic has i think just Open up a can of worms for a lot of people in terms of like know themselves. I think i've learned a lot about myself. During this time things that i thought i got over like things that i had worked through in the past but everything is sort of like surfacing again which is interesting to me but mental health is one of those those buzzwords that keeps popping up. And it's it's really prevalent right now. Well now that we're entering the second wave right feel like there is even more time to devote to that but i was actually looking at stats and this is kind of crazy. But said that depression since cove it has tripled in the us like people that have kind of gone and seats help for depression. So that's just even people seeking it like. I know a lot of people have been really struggling with the isolation and now that things are shutting down again in california probably other states will start to follow. It's it's crazy. Like i feel like i've just been talking to a lot of people. Recently you know have been dealing with feeling like loneliness feeds into depression and yeah like we're going to go into all the weeds today with our guest tony. That were super excited to have on. But it's almost like depression is like a vicious cycle. I think about liz especially with relationships and you and i talk about our own experiences. Either you know like having bouts of depression of also. Ddh people that are depressed and it's a really hard situation because it's like i think of it like a cycle. It's like the person that is experiencing depression. It's almost like sometimes you feel like a burden for like leaning on people when you're in that stage but then at the same time when people like pull away which is a common cause of depression. The people in the relationship have trouble and it's almost like i think i read somewhere like one of the me. One of the main reasons for depression outside. The pandemic of course is relationships. So like when you're a relationship isn't going according to plan it can really send you into a spiral. So it's like a cycle. I view and sometimes even people that are feeling depressed. Don't wanna get into relationships. They pull away from relationships because of depression south it definitely shows up in relationships for damn sure and it could absolutely terror down the relationship because as we've talked about our experience dating people who are dealing with depression. Is that you as as the partner gets depressed because you feel helpless you feel like you can either for your partner or your partner is choosing not to show up for you which is not the truth. But it's like when you're in that relationship and your emotions are tied to this person. It's really hard to separate the two. So i'm really glad that we're bringing up because we've talked about mental health ending before he'll were specifically talking about depression for this particular episode. Because i think it will be relatable for so many of you out there. Yeah we talk about two in this episode that there's very there's different types of depression like there's more seasonal depression there's more clinical depression that really like you know has to do with just your own genetic makeup but i think covert is like. It's almost like a deuce slew of seasonal depression and yet like i think a lot of it comes down to to how you're managing it and what steps they're taking so it's not to say that like people that are experienced depression or unbeatable by any means. I think all of us have bouts of depression in different ways. It's just how do we like manage it and kind of work to be the best version of ourselves with it. And i really like that in this in this conversation with tony is that we don't. We don't talk about depression and mental health as a way as an illness. Because it's part of who you are. And i think part of it is cultural differences like i taught i bring up sort of growing up in an asian household where you think about depression as you're at fault while you're depressed because you made you got yourself there. That's really the case. A lotta time or editor jerry. It could be imbalanced. So i like that. We don't place the blame. It's more about if you have feelings of depression. how do we navigate. An how do we thrive in that environment. Because it is doable.

00:05:02 - 00:10:03

We definitely recommend people to listen to the older episode. Because it was. I think actually by the bid are both popular episode or one of our top episodes is called mental health dating with jonathan fan. Tram who has a startup called reflects so we talked a little more like high level. He also did share his own stories and own challenges with anxiety and depression but we did talk like more high level of how it shows up in dating and relationships and of course was pre pandemic. so there's a little bit of a different twist. But i think a lot of that stuff is. This is a good complement to this episode for short. So go back to our back catalogue. If you haven't or just religion again. I might do the same. I think it's always helpful to hear these types of conversations absolutely because it helps you put language what you're feeling sometimes you're just like What is this thank zayed's it's not anger at what is it and hearing other people's experiences has really opened up my leg. My just my vocabulary up at how. I describe my own emotions and mental health. So it's really fantastic to listen to these interviews even if you're kind of newer to the space you're like oh this is the first time m starting to feeling not myself well. This is the perfect way to open up. That conversation with yourself about what is happening in your mind or if you have a partner that's going through this. It's definitely that. I think it was really helpful to hear like i've experienced this with my axe and i've obviously heard his experience. But it was good to hear tony. Who is like totally moved. You know because it's like the emotions of talking about it with a partner is different than just hearing someone else share their story and i think there is a lot to be learned from that and yeah i mean we haven't i was looking back like what episode was it was seasoned seven that we touched down so it's been a while time ago definitely go back and check that out but i think we also do a call up front and we said this in our last episode like if you really are you know in a place that you're feeling like really bad thoughts right now. There is like prevention hotline. So other is one eight hundred two seven three talk which is a twenty four hour crisis center and you can obviously always call nine one one. If it's an emergency so definitely learn from this episode but if you are feeling like this is like a really bad state lake take those extra precautions and for everybody else who may not be experiencing this right now. Reach out to your friends. I think this is the time. Reach out to your family. Reach out to your network I've talked about this before. But around this while i guess a little bit before this month of last year. I lost my College roommate to sucide and she had been battling depression. And i lived with her for almost four years and i never saw any signs of it and i keep like replaying our years together and i'm like how did i not see this and i've had long conversations with her sisters about it and they're like we didn't really see either she just came off so Jovial and just so like supportive all the time i had no idea she was battling these internal demons so to me. I regret not reaching out to her. More especially in moments where i felt like. Oh everything should be fine right. Everything seems like fine. She posed on facebook. She post on instagram. She seems fine. Just never know what someone's going through so just one tax one phone call could save. Someone's life believe it or not hundred percent agree on that. And i think that is the part. That's hard as you think of someone. That's depressed as being like sad and gloomy. And that really isn't i mean they may be experiencing that in private but a lot of times. The external like a lot of comedians have depression in. That's like a very common thing because yeah a lot of people that are super jovial like especially very extroverted. Like sometimes when you're feeling like the need to be around people all the time it is covering some of the inner stop and i think that's why this pandemic has been really challenging for people because that's almost been like stripped from them so it's like facing those demons like head on so i think sometimes it isn't the obvious people and i think also it's not always people that are like single or lonely people can be lonely no matter their relationship status so i think that's also important to remember that just because on facebook. That looks like they have it. All it definitely does not mean that and it shows up in different ways. It doesn't show up in the kind of overly character character characterized way of someone to get out of bed and i'm depressed. It could show up in your work life you up in over posting on facebook. Sometimes it could show up in the way you talk and you don't even realize it. I think it also shows up in this is related to our episode last week. Is your your own body it now. You sure and you don't even realize it. Some of the times. I felt the most down have been because i don't feel good like bonnie wise hundred percent correlates like we heard from erin last week.

00:10:03 - 00:15:02

If you haven't listened to that episode definitely check it out. Who is i think what i feel like. I'm always saying this is popular visit but every episode every season of the bachelor. This is the most dramatic season. This is julie dateable. This is exciting. But this actually truly was our most listened to episode in some of it to come because of the time i mean some of it was the topic and then some of it was the timing of it being after we were featured on new and noteworthy like the top shirts and so i know up there. We're not like at the top because they've added new people but we are still on that list right now is a basic stuff again. Shout out to all the new people. I've seen a ton of new people coming into the group that have said they've found us in the last week so we are so happy. You're here. we're happier taking that next step and coming along. Well people have said they've just been going through and pinching all the episodes so we'd love yes and all sides. Yeah exactly but i think back to the last week's episode. I mean like some of the stuff that was said to aaron. It's like that because you know like you don't have bouts of depression. How can that not make you feel bad and depressed like it's it's just so crazy but it's so crazy and that's why that's what inspired are. Would you rather for last week. The question was if you're given a pair of magical contact lenses that can make you see bodies differently. Would you rather the contact lenses. Make you see yourself your own body as perfect all the time or see other people's bodies as perfect all the time this is why you as although would you rather like have like the past like you know creative like magic contact. I just love it. I would never even think of that. Virtual worlds. this is how we pair well to evacuate. Yeah i smoked. That's what it is. I'm all the time anyway. The would you rather up a day later because she needs to smoke. I yeah this is why it was a day late. I was like oh shit thursday. It's like your weekly excuse but it was. It was so interesting seeks cockpits on the facebook post because we were putting these up on facebook and instagram of course on instagram. You can always. Dm us like southern hobbits to on facebook. Just feel like there were so people that were like either. Nothing is perfect and i totally get what you're with us. It's a witty rather. We're not saying like it's your perception of being perfect. I think some people clarified that. Well it's like i think erin. Actually herself she's been active member of the group which has been great along with tony. Jaa guest this guest source our guest. now let's leagues. But she made a comment like it's all about looking at like the wrinkles or the scars in seeing as perfect. And for that reason i would go with myself because i actually think we're a lot harder on ourselves that we are others. I very rarely find myself. Judging other people's bodies like for the most part. I'm always like oh like they look great. I wish i would look like them. It's more of like. I wish i would be like that opposed to like ear. What is up with that. I don't feel like those thoughts. Don't really run through my mind that much. So i would definitely choose myself because i think harder on myself then probably other people even view me. You know that's interesting. I think you see my lipstick. Going into mike and mike. My lipstick is now on my microphone. This is what happens when you were virtual makeup for my the for the magical ends up. I think the thing is and some people have mentioned this to some of the men have mentioned in our facebook group. I already see other people as perfect an hardest on myself. So i would definitely choose that and other people have been like i could really use that boost of confidence so if i e myself as perfect body in my eyes then that will give you the boost and then Some others have been. Like if i see other people as more perfect than i can focus more on like the feelings as opposed to like the physical of i guess shortcomings and i think that's where i am too because i've mentioned already i. I also work in the fitness industry. I'm constantly looking at people's bodies and sometimes is hard for me to get past their physical body to get to like. What is this person really like. Knew what what are their key characteristics. I fail to see that right away. Because i'm constantly looking at bodies as for my job so if i can get to a point i would psych and my job get fired but if i can get wait and see past is a coal bodies and i think it would be less of a distraction for me so i would choose the other or maybe we get promoted.

00:15:02 - 00:20:02

Because there'd be more diversity in bodies there you go there you go if you like everybody. Everybody's perfect but you are more in the majority with what people said. Eighty percent of people chose to see their own bodies as permitted versus where i am in a twenty percent of people choosing to see other bodies as perfect either way. I think it's the key. Here is the perception of perfection. It's not that these bodies perfect is at all of a sudden. You're like yes. this is. What a perfect body is in own my own world. I feel like there was so many great tips like aaron shared. Obviously a bunch in the episode which even made a comment about like in the episode. She talked about this of like recognizing your so called fall. See now in like being like this. Sprinkle is beautiful. It has made me wise. Like what is like the different things that you can point out in one of our other. Facebook members She'll be made a comment about like when she gets home. There's like a tactic. She uses that she liked. Takes off like her jacket or gets ready for the night in like removes basically any. She's removing something. It's like removing all the negative thoughts of that day. And i love that so much. So it's like. How do we keep training ourselves to see this stuff. The imperfections as blue. That's a really great ritual. Talk about ceremonious like go home and move all the negativity with each piece of clothing. Been speaking of other great rituals. We had our first installment last night of the sounding board people you know. We did our first monthly challenge that we have another audio series. That's part of the sounding board available for all members. Whatever level you join that and it's been great. We talked about limiting beliefs last month. And now this month. It's all about dealing with ambiguity which everyone can relate to right now again cova time but even before covert i feel like there's so much uncertainty in dating and relationships and it's all about. How do we manage that. So we had a discussion group for anyone that wanted to of. You're always welcome to do this yourself. You don't have to talk it out but people really loved it and they said there were just so many interesting revelations and hearing people's limiting beliefs like i got some feedback that was really great. Hearing men and women share them because a lot of times. We think we're alone in how we feel also hearing someone else's kinda like the body thing. It's appreciating where they're coming from and then having that compassion next time like you're with other people on dates like you're like no someone actually might feel like this is holding them back so you're not in the sounding board already. Definitely get in there. This is another callout. There was a little confusion just for some new people coming in just to clarify. We have a facebook group love in the time of corona. That is a free facebook group. We do ask that you fill in the information because we do want to still make sure it's filled with dateable listeners. And friends and not just like randoms off the internet. So there's that but then there's the sounding board which is basically get up bring things the next level which is our paid membership site and we do have a facebook group for that to do the happy hours and podcast discussion groups and now monthly challenge discussion groups. We also have other features we've talked about was sounding board depending on your territory there. You know our monthly dateable after show events which we have a great one in store this month with logan jury. Another favors ask guest. If i might say what time. He's gonna do that every time you say that in. Also we have a coffee date so our coffee date with you. And i so definitely check out dateable. Podcasts dot com slash sounding board. If you want more details we'd love to have you as a member. The whole point is to know that you're not in this alone. You don't have to navigate through this alone. None of us to be alone at any of this. And that's why we created the sounding. Board is to not feel alone even though you can do these exercises and watch the events by yourself and not interact. That's totally up to you. We don't force any sort of interaction but isn't it nice to hear that other people are going through similar things. I mean. it's just something really nice like it's not misery loves company. It's more dislike. People love company in their thoughts. That's it speaking of todi guests. Today at a few other members have ordered their dateable murtaugh his instagram models. If they choose to. we had one other member. Chris say that he was kidding. Photos done by. I think his sister but they both the two of them at least both the socially distant yet emotionally available at Sweat shirts or t shirts. And i was like you guys got to put that in your dating profile out. See what response is we get. So you haven't got march yet. It's dateable podcast dot com slash shop. And if you're sounding board member there's extra discounts for you. Too man i will have to do an ab test them wearing the shirt in their profile photos. Our english shirt and see how many more swipes they get.

00:20:03 - 00:25:07

I'm totally doing that. When i get my quarantine from five boys shirt oh it you have to the has to be every profile photo you have to. I can't wait to get my stay. Dateable fanny pack accepted as a sell out sold out. We sold out of a lot of stuff but eventually when it comes back and stock. Can't wait for that. So we've hyped up tony enough where we want to get to his interview or his discussion. Kate saying interviews like he's not interviewing for a job but before we do so. I wanna take a moment for a sponsor better help and this is a perfect episode to bring up a better help as well. It's time to take hold of your mental health in these crazy times. Some of us are experiencing feelings. We haven't experienced before like for me. For example is feeling of of a not being control helplessness in anxiety so much anxiety so working on your mental health is extremely important. And that's why we love working with our wonderful sponsor better help to ensure that we're not alone in this. They offer online counseling with professional credible and compassionate therapists in a safe and private environment their counselors specialize in depression relationships trauma and many other areas with three thousand us licensed professionals across all fifty states. They make it easier than ever to find help in fact so many people have been using better help. I love this. That they're recruiting additional counselors all fifty states and now dateable listeners. Only you get ten percent off your first month with the code dateable guess started today by going to better help dot com slash dateable in join over one million people taking charge of their mental health. Again go to better help dot com slash dateable and use the code d. a. t. e. l. e. for ten percent off your first month. Now let's get to dating with depression with tony. This is a pretty serious topic. But i think it's also important to talk about in a way that isn't so like oh my gosh. This is so serious. Because i think it should be normalized in mainstream so we're talking about dating and mental health and depression. That's what it is and our guest today. his name. is tony thirty one. years old. Currently in new york city moved there from san diego in two thousand thirteen is currently hooking up in having fun single and actively going on dates. Am he's doing it all also from our facebook group. The revealed that this topic though we've talked about mental health before but this episode specifically we wanna talk about depression and we do want to clarify. Depression is like this over arching term. Use for so many things and i also think in the last couple of decades. We've made it almost. We've made it such a big deal anymore. That people just freely say on mula depressed today and for people who are who actually have depression and it. It takes away from their experience. so Thank you julie for for pulling up some definitions of depression and what. It could be either many different kinds of depression. One of them could be situational or seasonal depression and this is purely due to circumstances You could have major depression. Which is some would call clinical depression. So you've been diagnosed by a doctor. A professional and is usually due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. And then there's bipolar depression. There's also postpartum depression. There's manic depression there. Many other extreme levels of depression as well but the point is no matter what hype or what level of depression you have. We need to find ways to learn more about it and also to find more empathy for people who have depression that there are living with so tony. Thank you for joining us. Can you tell us a little bit about your journey and where you fall on this spectrum of depression It's interesting because i just feel i. It's always tricky right. Because i think everyone has their own perspective of depression or like how it came about mike. I'll talk to some friends who have depression and we'll have different point of views. How do we cope with it. How do we deal with. It have different triggers etc. But i think me. I'd probably like usually always when towards the seasonal area and like sometimes i feel like that's where i get hit the most it's like during the summer and winter And i feel like if they're like other times in between them might triggers are sometimes always like perfectionism or work.

00:25:07 - 00:30:14

Being really stressful. And my need to like always do more or do better or so. I feel like it usually depends i. I've also looked like some definitions of depression. Like when i was first trying to self diagnose before i started going to therapy and relate some things where like if you have like these symptoms for about two weeks. That's where like ends up. And i've never had two weeks of depression but i've had like ten days. It's like a thin line. yeah. I didn't hit this tweet minimum. I'm trying i'm joking. Trying calm but yeah. There's always points where they will last like a week or so but i've never liked the two week area so that's a thing that that's what we think made me not question it but just know that it comes in different waves. Yeah that definitely was something that was in those definitions of like having the two week. But i totally see what you're saying. It's like a little subjective like what is ten days were fourteen days like is it really bad different. But what is depression. Feel like for you described that So i always. And i've seen like different definitions of it but the one that i always enjoyed the most was sort of just having like a cloudy feeling so there's There will be days where you know things that usually would make me happy. Don't always times will before koren's in started that. I was still like find ways to go to the gym swim but i got no enjoyment out of. I just did it because they woke up berlin. Felt like if a tour those days or would sometimes you know isolate more than i have to now As that was like the interesting thing that i was talking with a friend of mine was like oh. It's a weird you know we have now. We're forced to isolate. So now. I feel like i'm in depression. Twenty four seven. Because i would always. In days. That i was depressed. I would want to stay home. Not hang out with friends. Or i don't know so that's where i felt like that's how mine felt like i was push people away or not want to be as engaging as i usually am a usually want to like tex people the other doing but when i'm depressed off the loan. Yeah i mean. I've definitely dealt with like situational like after a bad break up. I was definitely feast depression. But i dated someone that that was more on the clinical depression side so i of firsthand some of the stuff. You just mentioned like the isolation not wanting to return to phone calls and tax when you're kind of in that state like how has it shown up for dating for you. Because i know being on the receiving side of that it was definitely like there was challenges and it was like one of those things that you wanna obviously understand where the other person is coming from and all that but it is hard to feel kinda pushed away when someone isolates and all that. What are your thoughts. It's always tricky. Because i felt like honestly in my twenties. I didn't really deal with my depression. Well i probably never really mentioned it to anyone and it was like one. Say turn thirty. And i also you know what i'm going to make a change and i think that's when i started going to arab. There are times where ever since. I started dating afterwards. Not saying i would bring it up right away a win in a second or third date with someone and just sort of came up in the conversation. I wasn't doing it to self sabotage. But i felt like it was important for probably had gone to therapy that week so i was like what i'm just bring this up and it was just really interesting because when i was talking to her about that i didn't get the response expecting she was wanting. Oh we'll tell me more. Like oh okay cool but i think it was fair because then i learned later on why we continue dating where she told me that her ex was going through depression but he wasn't really working through it so i think the reason she wanted to know more about it was to understand. What are you doing to work on that instead of just kind of hoping that i wasn't gonna turn her into my therapist or something like yes. I go to therapy. I find different ways of going like i understand. Sometimes when i'm in the middle of depression. I can't always fix it but sort of like had away make sure this doesn't affect everyone else around me negatively. I think that is a really good point to bring up that when you are in your bouts of depression it's like something has taken over you and you feel like not like yourself and you feel like there's no rhyme or reason to why you're feeling down and that's something i think is what's great about depression if i never said that in a sentence before but what is great about depression is at the face of depression has changed the years a used to be.

00:30:14 - 00:35:01

You think the person who's depressed is like the loner you know who's crying and who's all goth and who's like oh my life but now the face of depression is like happy. Go lucky people every day that you would normally say. I would never think this person would be depressed like talking to you tony. I would've never said oh. I bet tony definitely is depressed. Sometimes you know but it just shows a show. Many people have experienced the depression and it. They come in all different shapes and sizes than all different looks at all different moods. Yeah i mean. I'm thinking of like i know. This has got flak of maybe not the best portrayal. But i'm thinking of like an hathaway's episodes i always think about and i ain't i definitely because i i was with someone that was dealing with depression so i did see some of those similarities there but in that episode. I'm not sure. Have you seen modern love tony. I haven't things about it. That's in particular this one like. She basically is dealing with bipolar depression. And she meets the sky in a grocery store and everything is on top of the world and they set up a date and all that and then she falls into one of these folks in basically has to cancel on him last minute into him. He has no idea what's going on because they just met in. I guess my question for us like have. Has that ever happened before. Like you're ready to go meet someone or go on a date and then you're just like i can't do this Yes that definitely has been before. I ended up and i like always the tricky part right. 'cause of had this conversation for that you can't really prepare for wednesday depression's gonna hit like it's not like it's all right cool you know. It's you know it's october. Fifteenth has at times like now it comes becomes make the Sometimes he wears possible time. And yeah i. I don't know it's just that has happened in night have canceled. But i've given like the something came up or you know depending on when it happens. I try to not do it the day of good. Luckily that's never happened on the day of but it is. It has happened like some days before. So i definitely cancelled just because i know i'm not going to be mine tired true self or at least i won't have my best representative there. You tell your date if that does happen new. I feel like if if i've i've i've seen them at least more than once or twice jake ed be fine but if it's someone never met before it'd be a little bit tricky to just throw that out there. I was gonna ask you that because like by acts like he shared it with me like on. Maybe let gars thirty about like this what he was dealing with. But i didn't understand the magnitude of it then so like back. Then i do think i actually can't recall a couple times where he kinda cancelled last minute. He didn't say that it was due to depression. In a time. I was kind of like. Oh my god. Is this person not like me anymore. And like all the stuff is running through my mind as we went into our relationship and i knew more he was more like. This is what's going on. It has nothing to do with you and kind of assured but like what. Are your thoughts like how to manage that. Because i totally get not like telling everyone like every last detail about yourself online date one or two or even before date won a guess depends right because i feel like if that person is going through it. I guess it's kinda hard not talk about. I guess you can just say like oh you know him going through something that we're not like fully saying depression because i feel like that can be really scary to anyone you know you. Just tell them early on. Because i like like we mentioned before there's different definitions of depression so you can say you have depression as obe. What so yeah. I think probably that person is ready to say. Hey you know. I'm going to prussian. Sorry i can contact you once. I feel better i. I don't know that's the tricky part about that. But i think being able to just say. I'm going through something in in the right state of mind at the moment but i would still like to meet up afterwards. I think that's sort of like a probably better approach. Because like i said it's kind of tricky to just say Early on i think. That's the safer route like. I said i think it depends because if it's someone who's never had another thing with me beforehand like before going to therapy had never really knew how to talk about depression.

00:35:01 - 00:40:01

I felt like. I have to say that at some point and think i'd be a little bit more comfortable because they've had the experience of talking with a therapist for two years or almost years have been able to better verbalize might depression. So i think that also plays a factor too. If that is someone has really had to verbalize their depression. That's like and how to go through it then. Sure they're not going to be able to tell tell someone that they barely know about depression. I think there's nothing wrong with saying you're not feeling well or something. i mean. technically that is what is happening. I think like even do recall my ex doing that the beginning but i think what he did was he followed up in like me that plan or was like when he cancelled he was like. We're going to reschedule or something like assured that it was it like a ditch. So i think that's the thing is we always say on this podcast. Is you really have no idea what the other person is going through. So like sometimes like i think in dating we tend to think about ourselves so a lotta times like we assume like oh. This person doesn't like me or they don't want to be with me when in reality it has zero to do with me or whoever. It is on the receiving end. But i think like what you said about Like as it progresses like. Have you had any situations where you've been dating someone for a bit that you've talked about it openly outside of that one person you mentioned not entirely a not as detailed might just because we dated for like four or five months at that point. It was a little bit. I felt more comfortable but it's also because she asked more questions about it mike. During that timeframe. I probably only experienced depression ones but it was for a short period of time and i didn't really get into it because we didn't actually. She was on vacation. So i was in the press which was on vacation clarify that. That was just perfect. Timing no So yeah Besides that like since. I've been able to verbalize depression. It made it easier to have that conversation with her like previously or any previous instances. I always joke around that like my twenties. I was really good at deflecting my emotions so it's sort of like now i've sort of gone to the point now where i don't mind talking about it but yeah i think like beforehand. I definitely did not have that. Did not have those conversations. We said something interesting that she didn't have the reaction you're expecting. What was the reaction that you are expecting well. So that comes with like stigma of mental health. Like you just always assume. Someone's just gonna go straight to the negative in being ill what i don't know that's probably not the exact reaction but like i don't know in interest because i remember the first time i spoke to a friend about depression and the first time but like the first time i spoke to him about depression. It was really difficult. Because i don't know it was just sort of one. He could fully understand which is fair. For if someone's never been through depression. But then i think he started like feeling bad sort of like. Oh that's not what i wanted. A right to have an honest conversation. Just like a pity party but then he was more concerned about. Oh what could have done better is nothing because you didn't know that's why couldn't you can have done anything because he didn't know about missions because that's just how. I handled that. So i nine. I think that's always the tricky part like when it comes to stigma it's easy to assume someone's gonna look at your experiences. Your experiences negatively said of with like curiosity. Well that's the problem. I think culturally to this place into what i've experienced growing up in an asian household. Is that you treat depression like it's a contagious disease and hear about someone having depression there. You're just like that doesn't exist. it does exist. Stay away from them. Because you might catch it and i think that's just culturally how agents deal with mental health. And that's why so. Many asians have mental health problems. Because we've just never dealt with it. I'm curious to hear what you're obviously amana color. I see that people listening to this. Don't so i came out. Was there anything culturally to that. Made it challenging to manage depression Yeah where to begin and then won't say that as a man of color. I think i just start off with the first part which is like being a man in general because in cultures of like specially either latino or black backgrounds us sort of.

00:40:01 - 00:45:01

Don't talk about your emotions. I didn't really learn how to verbalize my emotions. Because honestly my dad never spoke about his feelings or anything so then like going to high school or junior high school in people would always sort of like let's say like talk negatively but is sort of like you weren't allowed to talk about your emotions like how you felt things he couldn't it comes across as like a form of weakness away so yeah growing up. It was really difficult. Want to talk about things like that and difficult in my early twenties It did help that. I went to college with a friend who. He majored in So he told me that our school had like Free therapy for students. So it's sort of did help that that was an option Yeah now i yeah. I don't think society it's made it easy for me to talk about my feelings at all but it like i said i wanted to make change so that helped in honestly. Sometimes i've been more vocal talking about it on social media which has been pretty cool because my friends within asked me about like depression. Like i've been feeling this way i don't know is at the prussian doodo nasa by experience. I mean like i. I think there are a lot of studies. Actually that men the men are more prone to depression and also not even that they're prone to it about the way it's handled so think like a stronger correlation with depression and alcoholism drug use with men. And i think that's because of the vocalisations right of like women are taught to vocalise where men aren't. But i do think some of it is also just you know our generation because like i'm a white woman in my family also repressed all sorts of motion. So i think he like not tried of is obviously a man of color. But i think it's like a definitely a generation thing that like mental health is having more of a moment now in its therapy is cool to go to or like a thing that you do where back in the day like i think. A lot of cultures would never dream of going to therapy in our parents generation. Oh yeah definitely and women. I think women still have a head start because we can put names tour feelings and then are just starting to connect the dots. So they talk about like. Oh women are better with their emotions because they talk more. It's not that we talk more. Is that when we talk. We talk about feelings and when men talk they talk actions. Women are like i felt this. I feel this men are like. I did this and i do this. And that's where the where the catching up needs to happen with. Men is like you're not putting like a name to your feeling. So how do you know what you're really feeling if you can't even name it. You sound like my therapist. It's true because sometimes show ask. Hey like so. How did this make you feel and i was. I don't know. I think this is like on used the word think like what was the feeling thought. So no that bet is a fair point and things always an i do agree generations play each factor like i feel like our generation like if someone said that they were going to therapy. They'll be like oh so and so when therapy without what's wrong with them our generation's as i went to therapy say it out loud star. I had a friend tell me the other day. She's like after my haircut. I'm going to see my therapist for coffee after the thing. What about okay. So speaking of men with depression more. What about sex drive. 'cause i know this is like a thing like have you experienced anything like this that when you have depressive episodes it affects your sex drive or not sure if you're on any sorts of medications but i know that that also is impact sex life eric sexual wellbeing directly definitely heard that medication plays is like relative towards the. I don't take medication. And it's not because of that. I think it's just more because i'm just always concerned on like how medication may affect my like. I've i've never had to take meds more than like either. Thank killers like fractured my wrist or cold medicine so like i've never had to take medication past not feeling well physically. So i'm not really confident. In what have a having to take a medication for like a year would affect me in general not just like in sexual perspective but i think just mentally but yet now i will say like definitely it when i go through depression. The last thing i'm thinking about is wanting tap set. It's probably eight or have sex like both probably out the window.

00:45:01 - 00:50:05

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00:50:05 - 00:55:05

It was just like a cycle. So it's like. How do you kind of work through that with a partner and i'm not expecting you to have all the answers but with love your thoughts of like how do you a backgrounder the experience of this tour thoughts. It's like it is kind of a chicken and egg situation. Because it's like on one side. You need to do your own thing to get an order but if you keep like pushing someone away they're gonna feel neglected I'm comes down to really communicating through all of that because one of the difficult parts with depression which we mentioned like isolating yourself and it's going to be difficult especially if you live with a partner or continuously date someone where i think. That person has to legitimately say like. Hey these are what happens with. Depression is how. I tend to act or what happens during this timeframe in my cases i do like being by myself because of that same reasoning but if a partner said like hey like i want to be there with you cool. That's fine but i think at that point. I just don't really expect to be like the most verbal person. So i think that's a difficult part leg. I don't mind you being here with me. I'm probably not just going to be the most enthusiastic person speak with right. And i think that's where it was coming out of like. Oh i don't wanna. I don't wanna be that state to be around you but then you know it's like it's a tough situation as someone on the receiving end too because it's like you want to be supportive of someone you want to be there for them through their struggles but then at the same time it's like let's say we talk about the depression that last two plus weeks like that can be a long time for someone to be kind of apart if you're in a serious relationship i'm not fully sure of the answer because i lived through this not sure of other fully handle it but it was. It was definitely a challenging thing. That is beyond what you care about in dating. I think it's just one of those things that you have to. You have to accept that it is part of life and that it's not just phases. No it's a part of life. And i i did a someone a lovely person who had depression and he told me the way he found out about. His depression was through his father. Who said you're probably going to get depression. It's it's in our family. It's hereditary and i will tell you how i've coped with it. So his father passed down some really great tips for him but one of the things that he does is he can tell when he starts developing symptoms and that he knows from when the onset of symptoms where he sees them and feel them it will take him about twelve days like he's gotten down to a science so at the at the onset of symptoms he would tell his partner. This is happening. And i will need twelve days of isolation and he's found out through many years of trial and error that 'isolation works the best for him That's what he does but he told me his friend to something. Interesting is sure it works with your partner because maybe you can work out some sort of like a plan. But if you're just starting to date someone would he do and his friend. You don't like when you come out of depression when you're feeling good you have all these You have all this advice for yourself for when you were depressed so. His friend created journal. That wrote down everything that he wished he would have done when he was depressed. And he made them into template attacks so it will auto fill and on on this day. I will said this text message. 'cause i am not in the mood to send it. If he were to write this while he was depressed he would not have been motivated. But this made a very easy. Just autofill day. one. I send this day three. I said this day five. I send this and it worked very well for him because at least it was it was genuine authentic but also it took the pressure off of him to try to keep up while he was in his bouts of depression right. I'm just thinking like twelve days in a new budding relationship like yeah that's like maker break time. You know it was tough in a serious relationship but as someone who is dating some that person who is depressed. I would much rather know what they're going. Oh yeah than having twelve days. Absolutely no tabby communication. I'll give my ex. A lot of credit like he was very transparent from an early stage. And i think him saying this has zero to do with you like it made all the difference. I think if i did it my head would be spinning in so many different ways and then julia someone dating him. You almost have to accept the fact that that's part of your relationship that you are going to be long weeks at a time that you won't see each other.

00:55:05 - 01:00:01

Yeah and i mean. I think there's no sugar coating it that it's it depends on where someone is in their journey. I think there is like we talked about earlier. Depression is a spectrum. I think how you navigate and handle depression is also a spectrum like if you are talking to therapist all the time like maybe you'll be better equipped to deal with A romantic relationship at the same time. But i think like that's the other side of it from someone that isn't necessarily dealing with depression dating someone with depression. It's like there is like how do you navigate that like how do you go through it. I definitely i admit like i tried to do my own thing when this was happening and it was hard and i wish i couldn't say that like i wish i missiles like i wish i was a stronger person that i could just be like. Oh i'm going to do my own thing and not worry about it. But i think it did bother me that i couldn't be there wasn't letting me and even though i know logically. That is not what was happening. It's like they were dealing with their own stuff. But it was very hard for me to decouple those two things and i mean yeah i guess like that's something that i think is a struggle with it. I think though it is communication is how you're handling it all that. That's actually a good question for tony. Which is what is something. A partner has done or said to you. That has really helped you to share your experience with them I think one aspect. I remember someone else where i'm not gonna lie. They also went through depression. So it's kinda weird. It was easy to talk through depression. When the other person can like relate bite me be like really should. We both connectors okay. I realize i've been listening to the lake. It would be weird if we were both depress at the same time. Because maybe we'd understand we'd like cool. Well we're gonna have our own space for twelve days and we get it happened but yeah i. I don't know. I think what's helped from like any partners is just curiosity and the dangerous asking questions not as it judgment perspective but just sort of like i kinda wanna to know what i'm getting into like i wasn't a partner. Those more a friend of mine they were like. Hey i know you like talk about depressionol. And jose definitely not in the mood for that but I've written articles about them. So you're more than welcome them. I know that sounded so weird at the time. Like i mentioned in the middle of it i can. Yeah you can go to my medium there's medium. i know it and it was like a point that you mentioned sometimes writing wore one of the one of my articles Depressed letter to myself. So whenever i am going through depression i actually read it so it's just sort of like a reminder that this is only a temporary is only like a temporary perspective even though at the moment and probably thinking. Oh it'll get worse it's like because he always relapse great piece of advice. I think we should marinate on that for a little bit. I think we can all even if you're not depressed. Y'all have our good days and our bad days are good days. Write a letter to yourself to pump you up on your bad days on your lows. We could all use that sort of arrangement from ourselves. I mean i know. One thing that i did with my ex was going through something like i definitely was like. Oh i wanted to do something again ito. I'm looking to like hang out in. He was going through a situation. And i basically stop pressuring him to do stuff and i was like okay like left him voice message and i was like. I'm gonna you know back off right now in like. Do you call me kind of like if you want to meet up this weekend. And if not then like i totally get it in like you like you take your time. And he responded back like the next day and was like that message. Meant so much that you just kind of like like letting me do like figure stuff out myself and not putting that pressure on. I will admit though for by our to do that. So i think that's like the balance though is if you are dating someone and i mean by all means this is not like the whole reason our relationship and like i. I've had so many wonderful traits. It was like this is something i think you said. It's a you know this as part of the entire package right and it's like. How do you manage this together. I think that's what i was looking for a little more of like. How do we do this together. Where for him. it was more like. How do i manage this myself in. I get it. I'm not sure. I wasn't going through it so i also get that perspective but yeah love your thoughts toady of like manager at west somewhat. Get on your own. I will say i.

01:00:01 - 01:05:05

I love the idea that you didn't. They not saying that you would but as you didn't guilt him into going. It's always difficult part with people with you know going through depression is they can't on something and then they're just going to be like well. He'll always cancel That's not going to be helpful. So i've probably done that before. But not in this instance. No but honestly i feel like and not saying that. This has been in relationships. That i will say what has helped with friendships. Is the friends that i've been able to vocalise. Might depression with and they know that. I'm currently going through the though just usually just either come over. And say hey. We don't have to go out. 'cause like i don't wanna go anywhere public but you come to my apartment will like watch tv ice cream ice cream. What flavor. Who can resist ice crave. How dare you. How dare you laura me with ice cream. So i don't just honestly sometimes the best thing for in for me. When i'm going through depression. That would be perfect for any partners. Just sort of just hanging out together but honestly not talking about it. Because i feel like most time. That person isn't gonna want to hang out to talk about the brushing. They just need sometimes. They just need like an escape then. Just someone to be there that. I think that goes a long way like i know. Like sometimes My friend when she knows that. I'm going through depression. She's a k- you know. How's everything going. It's okay. I guess in. They're like oh all right. Well you know. I'm always here to listen or if you wanna come over rican. Just do something. Sometimes it's like small acts like that held more than trying not try to get to the bottom of it. Because i feel like most people on. They're going through depression. The last thing that they're gonna wanna do is to talk about it. I think honestly talking about depression. Wind people aren't in the middle of is usually a lot easier for me to talk about. Depression is a lot. It's it's easy when i'm not in it. 'cause right to call are able to recap all of this but like all right but during yeah i think. Yeah i definitely notice. When i said things like i'm here if you wanna talk or like more putting it more passive than active right like if you wanna do this. I'm here for you nothing. That is a really good technique and you do mean it when you say it but one of the biggest challenges i faced. When data someone depression was the unprinted unpredictability of when it would hit right. So i i always felt a little bit let down and why is because we have a few days of amazing days together like this person is so wonderful and i feel like i'm so close to fall in love with them and then all of a sudden they're gone because they've hit that they've hit that first symptom of depression and they've isolated and it was so demoralizing for me because i felt like it was setting me up for failure and setting me up for disappointment. This so how do we on the other end of this manages feelings. Because it's not it's not the the onus is not on the person the onus is on managing my own feelings and how to deal with at all any ideas this is up now i mean i think the first thing that came to mind for me was i need a therapist about me dating someone with depression. Yeah i yeah. I think that's the difficult part. Because i haven't really long term dated someone who also went through the depression. I have friends who. I know that they go through it. You don't really talk a lot during like if they're going through a sort of like hey here to listen. I i think that's the thing like sometimes if someone wants to talk about it it's more like oh. This is not for feedback time. This is more for nodding zim. Yes so i. I don't know i i think sometimes yeah. I think there's always like. I once saw this article a that actually like broke down. How how it is for partners with depressive partners. Instead of just like a guide through that i haven't i don't remember when i read it but i thought like articles like that would usually be helpful like usually coming from the partners perspective. Because i think it's gonna be really hard for the the depressed person to really give the best options of this is what you should do from this point of view because i'm not there now. I don't think it should be on them. And i've a hundred percent of ton. Google searches just like you also felt exactly the way you said it. You think you summed it up so well. It's like you almost start to feel a little depressed yourself like kind of like triggers elite lake again.

01:05:05 - 01:10:02

Not everyone. I think it all depends on your own thing. I think i definitely have tendencies of depression myself. So that's why for me. It triggered it so someone else might not have that happen. I mean i think the best thing would be one. Yeah like we said is to get therapist on your own like have those conversations but then also just like. I think what helped me was like. It's like one of those things. Like i had a baby like repeat front of mayor like this has nothing to do with me like i think it's like one of my fallback says i tend to take things personally and this like exactly what you said you like kinda sets you up to take it personally. It's like oh you've we've had all these amazing times together then you followed off the face of the universe but you have to stop and be like that is not actually what's happening in fact checking yourself because like sometimes your imagination can start to wander in like come up with all these stories so it's back checking iping. Just you know finding other things to fill your time. You're not constantly thinking about what someone else's going through like you obviously want to be there for your partner. But if they truly don't want to talk to you in that time like there really is not the you can do like the sides you know. Find something else to do. I remember going to the park in like reading. Because i'm like. I need to just take my mind off thinking about this because i'm not. It's not helping anyone in that situation. And then when they are there to like come back you also don't want to be like angry because then that kinda like sets it up again so it's like working through your own emotions but also i mean i think some of it to depends like if someone's actually getting helper not in that's like a big part of it like are they taking steps to manage it or not because i think that is a huge difference yet. Thank if it was if you're dating someone who had depression in wasn't actively working on it. That's probably the worst part of it I usually know. I always give a recommendations to friends. 'cause i love in my in psychology so i love reading about neuroscience so have like a bunch of books that i've read about depression Just mind so the current one. That i'm reading is called the upward spiral so the way sort of defines depression is like a downward spiral. So the first half explains the brain aspect of like you know like oh there's a different neurotransmitters in your brain that like forces people with depression to lake really take things harsher than people that don't have depression so it honestly sometimes as simple as a you know my brain x. Completely different than yours. Specific things happen I know the second half talks a lot. More about Because i haven't gotten up to that part but he liked the author sets up where there's specific things you can do to improve it so like even like with quarantine. I definitely felt sometimes a bit not really depressed but just really in. Low moments. Select something really simple as finding activities. That would make me happier in try to do that. And i know sometimes it may not always work but sometimes you know small things like walking outside or going to a park The worst part for me. My biggest nut suppression hiller. But what really helped was swimming. I couldn't really do that. 'cause gyms are clever so that it really liked forced me to be more creative so i know like working out isn't always going to be mike cure but like i just find anything that doesn't really forced me to think a lot so sometimes watching tv and i know like usually it's always weird 'cause sometimes watching. Tv people use as a happy thing due to escape like sometimes for me. I watch tv to get depression. It's it's always like small things like that. I just find tools that help is that 'cause you're like kind of in someone else's life like it's like a fantasy of somewhere else. Yeah i'm not dealing with my own problems at you. Look at me wrong. But i find out what i'm watching. Have you guys ever heard of a little fires everywhere. That's all this food right. Yeah yeah yeah. I was watching that. During and i was like. This is not harmful. Qadir's something like what is that show about. it's dark it's not like a depressing show. But it's just really dark and i got through like three episodes. I need something else. I'm not trying to live that life. That feeling right now gonna watch scrubs or something exotic. I think what you said though.

01:10:02 - 01:15:01

All of that applies to you a your question about. What do you do as someone. That's in a partnership. Because i think it's the same right it's like how do you find things that make you happy like whether that's you know. It doesn't have to be exercising but it could just be like doing art or like whatever your hobbies are like whatever that might be. I think that is a way. But i think also like you said about reading about things like that is really important for someone that is on the receiving end. Also because you're right like someone that's going through a depressive state is not gonna wanna be educator time like that's putting way too much on someone like that's just not fair at all so i do think if you are in a partnership especially if it's something serious like that's it's kind of like unlike thinking about it in other ways to it's like if you're dating someone of a different religion or you're dating someone of a different ethnicity like you take it on yourself to learn about them so it's like you kinda need to do that with depression or mental health as well right. It's always a balance and we need to strike that balance in every relationship and as the partner you need to know that it's unrealistic to spend all your time with your person. Yup but how do you keep being productive in your time and in your relationship. If you're physically not together you can still move that relationship forward. I think about creating stuff for your partner while you're separated. Maybe it's like drawing something for them or creating a list of all the picnic items you're going to bring to the next day. You know something that still in your mind. You're moving that relationship forward even though you're not physically together yet and i think it's like i get it's all across the spectrum. How someone's dealing with it like. I think two people can very much a partnership like if you have depression like there's everyone has something going on. That's the reality is like everyone has something. No one is perfect. We all have things that we're working there. So there's that side of it is that regardless of who you're with your always going to deal with something i think one of the other sides though is an. I definitely remember reading an article. When i was going through. This and there was an article that was like. Hey if someone's not managing it in your life becoming depressed like it to also see. This isn't the The right relationship for you. And i think there's a little bit of guilt that sets in from the person that's not depress. Let's feels like they're not supporting their partner. But at the end of the day like if it is something that's causing you come depressed too. That's also something to take inventory of. It's not a yes or no answer to this. I think it's a spectrum just like everything else we discussed. That's a fair point. I think that would be a concern for someone who is going through depression. Where if they are dating or in a relationship but someone's like oh no. Am i going to hand over as well. But i think it does help if someone is communicating and working through it. And that definitely should not happen but Yeah i think it's sort of Was great when you're mentioning the ho- drawing and etc. Because i feel like i've taken like the love languages to us and like gifts is nowhere near the top but i feel like during the depression it would be if it comes across if it comes across as like. Hey you know. I thought of you in this and that seems a lot better than hey i got this. Because you're said no. Yeah i think my simple things like that are sometimes acts of service like i think one of the difficult parts with going through depression is also like then realizing you have responsibilities like i. I will technically Always like a assumptions. Like oh yeah like so. That means you don't like for two weeks at a dumb thing to assume. That is not everyone but i know i'm not gonna lie. There were times where. I just didn't want to cook then. It was just like it's like i don't want to eat unhealthy because that doesn't help either so just sort of. It's like finding small things like that like. I just know that. I'm definitely not going to clean the apartment in terms of like mopping or sweeping during those two weeks. Because of that. I would have to do dishes. Because that's just gonna pile up. Make me feel worse tomorrow so Yet always just like finding healthy coping mechanisms which is always tricky because when you're in that light downward spiral you're not really thinking about getting back up. Euro is. You're gonna stop there. So it's yeah i don't know that's why like the simple thing where being able to not just talk to the. That's been the helpful part.

01:15:01 - 01:20:31

These last two years is a haven't been using my therapist as my only outlet talk about it felt like if i did. I have really been helping. Because i can't might therapist every day. So sin those moments. Where i don't have you know my session like so. What else can i do. Who else can reach out to and that really does help. Yeah i would like to think that. I've whenever i'm in my next relationship. Yes i would like to reach out to that partner but not make it seem like i'm reaching because i want them to always fix me. It's more like i'm going through this. And i kinda need you. Well that was definitely something. Like my axe would wouldn't want to be a burden on me and like i literally like no. I want you to be talking to me like i think. That's where one of our largest disconnects was. Is that like. I wanted that in. That actually made me feel better. And i was in made him feel better ultimately. I think it was just. He didn't he didn't want to put it on me. And i think just like what you said to about. You know finding those people and as the supporting network to like. You need like some stuff you were saying earlier was really helpful to hear for people of not being like are you. Okay are you okay just listening and just letting someone be heard and i think that's what i ended up doing is i'm like i'm just gonna listen to you talk and i'm not going to provide a solution because i don't have one right. Yeah i think this is a great way to kick off takeaways. Because i think what i'm hearing from. This discussion is For so long. I wanted to be my partners therapist and then i realized my partner has his own therapy. I do not need to provide that for him. I am there for him to escape when he wants to escape. And that's what i'm good at. You know they like he comes to me for the positive vibes. He's not coming for me for me to dissect him and tell him what's wrong with him and how to cope with it and one of the greatest ways we can all do. This is by how we ask. How someone's doing and my friend natalie who julie you know as well has been great about this. She's like you know during these times. Everyone's having hard time. I hate it when people ask. How are you doing. Because nobody's listening. You just ask it right not like actually meaning how you doing. So she rephrased as a question. She'll she'll ask what something you're looking forward to this week. I love that. It's a positive spin is stops you in your tracks. Because you're like whoa. She just asked me like an actual question. You want an answer to and makes you think about what is something. You're looking forward to makes him a little bit more. Grateful for what's to come so i think it is for all of us to think about how we ask our friends and family our partners. How they're doing. We just rephrase it to something that's more meaningful and it's you know take a positive spin on it. Yeah just a comment. I guess that was kind of a takeaway. I had was piggyback off of that. Is you really do not know what anyone is going through. So i like the comment of how're you doing. Like it's kind of like interrogating if someone really isn't doing well. It's like four saying that type of conversation. So i love that and i think it is a takeaway. A reminder for everyone wants cancels when someone flakes on you last minute like you have no idea what's going on in their life especially if on zero dates with them or even if you've been on like one or two it's like even if you've been on of budgets for month you like someone might not be there to tell you about this fully yo. I think it's just like trying not to take everything so personally. And i know that's a takeaway in feedback. I lead myself. So i think it's important though for everyone to really think about the other person on the receiving side too. Is they just going through something totally different than you. Yep absolutely tony. Do you have any parting. Words of wisdom were advice for anybody going through depression or someone dating someone with depression. Okay cold so spot. Okay so for people that are going through depression. I probably would say like have someone to talk to. And if you don't have someone to talk to. I definitely always recommend reading about it because that definitely i mean. That's what helped for me. I sometimes just needing an outlet make. You can't get a verbal outlet. Get some sort of other out. That i think like my friend. He deals with his depression by drying. Some do it by you know recording content. So there's always like people have like us sometimes just finding amuse that would help you get away from that and then advice for anyone has a partner i guess the open i just sort of like i said like there's so many different factors than i think at first no one's i don't think anyone's ever going to be hundred percent honest with their depression right away they may tell you parts of it have depression like that's their first step right.

01:20:31 - 01:25:01

The next step is probably going going to be talking talking about a little bit further. And then yeah it's just like i love using my favorite quote is a from shrek. Is that like onions. Everyone has different layers people depression. They're gonna take their sweet time going through those layers. So i sure may only know like three of them. There might be eight other ones that you know about but it's just sort of feel patients would definitely be one of them. Even though i know. It's tricky to be patient. Bud i think patients with depression goes a long way i mean. I think there's like anything. There's you know. I think people that are going to therapy. Have so much self awareness. I think that like is something that i love about. People that are taking the steps to manage mental health so like with every thing that's perceived as like a per se negative. There's always a flip side of the positive side. So i think that's important in imported to think about like the person as a whole and they're not let the depression define them as a person and then also like communication. We talked about this a bit. It's like being open being there but not being like nagging and expecting to solve all the problems big. They're not being someone's therapist is a really good takeaway whether they've depression or they don't never be someone's therapist job. I mean or ask for like two hundred dollars a year. Pay you for byles please. Well thank you so much. Tony for sharing your journey with us and just being such an inspiration and facebook group every time you comment on something. Everyone's like what did he say he always has something very insightful to say thank you for being so open to and i know you have your own podcast. Could you tell us a little work. Because i know you've talked about the staff a lot in your very open man so The my podcast is called ten years in counting So it pretty much deals with my along. I've been quote unquote single. And the reason i bring that up is because i've talked to my therapist up someone that i dated for like eight months eight or nine months and she was like. Oh that sounds like a relationships like no no no. I'm not changing the name of my podcast. You're ruining my brain now. No but i saw. Yes during that. Timeframe i i thought it was just. It would be fun to not go into like a psychological perspective of dating relationships but i just wanted to like understand like different things so a mental health was a big one that i wanted to talk about sometimes. Simple things of like. Oh is it really difficult thing friends with an and i don't know i just thought like just fun topics to have so it was just more of a creative avenue to talk about dating and relationships with people that i know And yeah and sometimes. I've definitely want to like i said. I like psychology so some episodes i always wanted to get into the. But why do you think that makes you so. I don't know i feel like that's the tank. That's how i approach. Relationships are dating. I think there's just usually approach life words. Sometimes i always want to know more of the wine instead of the. Oh okay sure that makes sense. Yeah to we're in the same boat breaking down the state mazar so important. So thank you again for coming on here because i think mental health has definitely made a strike. We had another episode a while back called mental health mental health in dating and it was a founder of like therapy company that was like a startup that was provided providing more affordable and accessible therapy of called reflect and he made a comment lake. Mental health is kind of like the age of our generation. And i think there's so much stigma side kevin conversations like this. Break it down into lets people know like how do i even like handle relationships when it comes into play and i think all the conversations we had today is a great starting point for anyone else. That's facing this weather themselves or dating partner that's going through depression and hopefully people have learned a lot and thank you again for being so open. Yeah for sure.

01:25:01 - 01:28:08

And then i will say one other thing like i'm gonna steal something a friend of mine said but think of therapy like going to it's like going to the gym but for your mind's totally it's holy. Is that absolutely you're working out your mind. Exact i mean i think like every like a commonality between a lot of our guests and like that have kind of found their journey to love. It all comes from therapy and self love like that has been like a universal theme so i think whether you are dealing with mental health challenges are not like taking that on is the way that you will form healthy partnership in the end yup and we also recognize that. Everyone's mental health journey is completely. Yes so you're listening to this right now and you would like to share your story head on over to our website dateable podcast dot com and submit your story. We love to have you as a guest on our show. The more voices we can get to talk about mental health. The more will learn about how we can cope manage and deal with it all so more stories the merrier and while you're at it leave us a five star review young line. Checking websites is so easy. Going to apple podcasts. Click that five stars right something nice about us or not whatever up to you but we appreciate it if you write something nice because of these. Great reviews is how we can open up the floor to awesome. Guess like tony here. Who can open up and the hawk about his journey and his experience. I can't believe. I said journey like seven times. We should have like a drinking game. Every time churning journey with a different word lie so cliche shaky gigi or something like the you go to the source instantly adventure esque. I feel like dirty mahat word right now. It really is. Now we're gonna we're gonna into something else call escapade escapade anyway. We're going to wrap this up things again. Tony for being such an awesome guest stay dateable. Podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Five more podcasts. You'll love at frolic dot media slash podcast. The conversation i follow us on instagram facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcasts. Tag as an any post to the hashtag. Stay dateable and trust us. Look at all those pose then head over to our website gatabo podcasts dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry. Experts can also find our premium. Why series where we dissect analyze offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums russell downloadable for free on spotify apple podcasts. Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and moulton.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.