Let's get honest for a minute as we chat with comedian Jared Freid about the root of "bad dating behavior" and why it can be so damn hard to be honest. We discuss how it can almost be "ungentlemanlike" to be totally upfront, why ambiguity leads to situationships, and what's really going on in man's brain while on the relationship train.
Follow Jared at @jaredfreid and listen to the J Train Podcast and U Up? on any of your favorite podcast platforms.
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S11E19: Why can't we just be honest? w/ Jared Freid
00:00:01 - 00:05:05
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable. Show all about modern dating about to wrap up twenty twenty. See ya later but happy holidays. Everyone that you have a great holiday season whether you're with family and friends or you're doing things virtually this year and we of course have some great couple episodes stolen store. We have two more episodes left for this season and for this year. That's crazy to think about but also very exciting. We're about to reset our lives with the new year. This episode is no less more stellar than any of the other ones. It is in fact a one of our favorites as we always say but as we say that about every episode but this one is especially interesting for us because we're getting a male perspective from a man who's been podcasting about dating for a very long time is shared freed yes and he's a comedian and He also has a couple of podcasts. His own you up with. Jordan abraham we've also had on the podcast and he also has the j train podcasts. So i don't know this episode. I think has been fascinating. Like i feel like i've just had a few revelations like this entire like weekend because there. I was editing. His episode in the real theme in this episode is like. Why can't we just be honest. You know like a lot of it is that we're afraid to say what's really what we're really feeling because like you know there could be consequences of that and i was thinking about a to just like the all relationships not just in the dating and relationship are romantic relationships contacts even family. Like for instance. I've been seeing a lot in our facebook group about people that are like. Oh i don't want to go home for the holidays like i'm nba. The only single person people are going to ask. Slick why i'm still single. There's a racket our facebook group for home for the holidays. It was a smith's on that playoff. Yeah so i started. And it's like the very cliche. The thirty year old sitting at the end of the table with the two babies and i was thinking about it. 'cause i actually just had a video call with my cousin who really wanted to catch up. I haven't talked her in like three years. She just had a baby all. She had a baby two years ago and is about to have another baby in literally the entire call with me just looking at her baby and it wasn't like a catch up in any way and you know like i am happy for her i. I was excited to see her baby. I think what i was thinking though is like i'm here to celebrate your life choices and wins. She didn't just to get context. Asked zero questions about my life at all. I'm like why can't you know like to feel like we have a better relationship. It would be good to have like that reciprocal feeling of interest in wanting to hear about my winds in life accomplishments and i was thinking about it like. Why couldn't i say that to her. Like i would never say that like the of saying that or like to your parents and the example of seat sitting you with the babies. Because you're thirty and single like why can't you say like like i wanna feel respected as an adult and sit with like the people my own age or i also wanna find law and it hurts me. Every time we focus the entire attention to that. I'd rather focus on enjoying the time we have together like. Why are those things so difficult for us to say. I think honesty is just really hard in general for us we feel we take things personally and then we believe other people will take things quite personally. I do love it when people call me out and tell me honestly. This conversation is not going anywhere or not getting out of this conversation. What i was hoping to get out of it. But very rarely. Do we have those conversations and my boyfriend. I had this exact same talk the other day. He's like why can't we just say how we feel. In the moment we kind of grew and then we lead it built up resentment and then suddenly comes out and it becomes an insult or it becomes offensive. Yeah it's a very strange thing that we feel like we got us a what in chinese culture we call it. Save face in the moment but in for what for the benefit of what you're not getting any they're not getting anything out. No i'm just gonna now avoid video calls with my right. How really helping strengthen the relationship at all maybe like. She didn't know what to ask me. Like maybe if i said to her like hey. I was hoping to like have a conversation where i felt like we were born sharing updates in both of our lives.
00:05:05 - 00:10:02
Maybe she would re frame how she did it. But yeah it's it's fascinating because the other day too. I actually was doing video date with someone and we like kind of agreed on the videotape. Like i wouldn't say it was sparks. It was. I think it's hard to have sparks on videotape. But it was enough. That i was willing to keep going with the conversation and he also said the same because i was like hey. I'm in boston like totally. Get if you don't wanna keep talking like we can either talk when i get back or you know whatever. And he was like no. I'm totally down to keep talking. Message me the next day was asking a few questions. And then i kind of like said like oh. Do you want to bring this to taxes. We're talking through the app and he was like actually decided like this isn't the right fit and i was like okay. You know just being a curious person i am. I think this does help dating. I was like. Can i ask what changed for you. And he basically said. I don't think that we have enough similar interests. Because he was like super intellect horror and sci fi in like honestly things that i'm not into and i actually noticed he updated his dating profiles like include that stuff. There is nothing wrong with being honest. But it's actually better than like continuing to have this. You know there was a momentary like oh okay like this is kinda weird but then also like if you really think those things are so important to you in a partner and i don't have them. Then maybe it's okay. It's just not right fit as saves a lot more time and effort when people are more on us. I don't even know his name on it. It's like you've moved on to other people and about say that like it's good to be disposable like that but at the same time we talk with jared about this at length but like all the confusion happens with. Data is when people aren't honest in their not stating what's really going on for them and people are holding onto a story just because they want to hold on to that story. Yeah man this is just one of those struggles that we all face. I don't know anybody who's like. Oh i'm really go with honesty. And i'll say whatever it is on my mind in the moment because we have all these filters and a lot of these filters are self imposed. It's not like the other person may actually take offense. What you're saying is that you yourself. You're like oh. I probably would want to hear it that way. It's sort of an interesting dynamic because it shows how you to interact with other people. I've had these circumstances with my boyfriend where he's like in the moment on a scream at you and tell you i was right and i'm like why didn't you to me. I would love it if someone just scream and say i'm i'm i'm right here. Just listen to me but then tries to hide it at home and later tells me like no. It doesn't work like that with me. So i think just practicing more honesty. We've talked about this too before in previous episodes yourself. I what are those things that you would say to yourself in the moment that maybe you don't want to hear but at least you're being honest with yourself. It's something we can. It's a skill and we should all learn it. And i think it's all how you say it. I think you. And i actually have come a long way on this. Like at the beginning i feel like we would not say things each other. We didn't want to rock the boat or hurt each other's feelings and it's as long as you say it in a way that's coming from a place of love and not being like suck because of this or like whatever. Like i think if i was like got off the phone with my cousin and center nasty text message like that wouldn't go over white right but if i was like hey. I was really looking forward to catching up with you. Like i would have loved to like been able to do this when you weren't so preoccupied or something like that like that's a lot different tone for sure. Yeah and just people with kids. It's not all about your kid's damn it. I know it's like. I have some friends that managed to the so well. My brother is about to have a baby. And he's like. Please tell me if. I become one of those parents like. I don't wanna be that person and you know. I think this is actually a good point. Though is like to the people that we were mentioning. That are saying like oh. I can't believe i have to go home. And i'm going to be the only person that's not coupled opera. The only person that's not married or the only person that doesn't have kids or what. Second kid whatever it is. Like there's a zillion it keeps going. I think what i would challenge people to do in. That situation is like think about what is good in your life right now because i think one person mentioned like i'm after go when i go home and i'm alone after being with all the people. Maybe you can read a book. You've been dying to do or make a shark kuri plate or you know like binge whatever tv show you've been dying to do newsflashes like what you've kids. You can't just do that at the trump of the dime so it's like instead of being upset about where you are today. Maybe it's like appreciate where you are because you might not be there forever. I think a lot of times family members. Feel bad for you when you're old because they think you feel bad for yourself so they're trying to show sympathy but not the same time they may not know that you're enjoying your single life or you're having the time of your life.
00:10:02 - 00:15:08
They don't know that they just. I think a lot of the older generation. They just think single people are miserable when they have no idea what the single life is. Yeah it is up to you to shed light on how awesome your life is totally. Because i was thinking about that today. This i was like my world of revelations also visited my grandmother. Who is to be honest not doing well. If she's alzheimer's really just as does not remember much. And there was a period of my life like i was always very close with my grandmother but she would always ask me like. Are you dating someone. And i'm like the one single person of all my cousins on that side so it's always been this like stickling point and i'm like oh like i love seeing her but i don't wanna like have this conversation and i'm like i need to step back and be like she just doesn't know a world were someone could actually just be single woman take care of themselves now in honestly like it's kinda sad now 'cause she doesn't ask me this stuff anymore because she just honestly probably just doesn't even know what's going on in my life because of disturbed condition. I think it's it is it's hard it's like meeting people. I kind of with empathy. That they just might. They're not in the same world view that you're in or sometimes with the older generation. You just tell them what they want to hear. Like my grandpa for example who passed away this year at age of ninety. He passed away. Thinking that i had i was married. I talked about him super happy. Last time my dad was back in china he was like. How's how's my granddaughter. And her husband and kids and my dad's like they're doing great and then my grandpa who seemed maybe too many photos of mojo would always be rambunctious son who's very pale kilos house. Her pale sun doing. It's it's been tasked you know that. I'm not gonna argue with him. He's ninety years old. Awesome grandpa my. My family's great son is doing awesome like you can. You can rest easy. and he. He passed away thinking that. That's i totally joke by parents. Say that were like don't do that. I could just like tell her. And she'll be super happy eater. And i'm gonna tell them that you is. If anybody told him that he thought it up in his mind and omitted certain detail. I clarify exactly. I did not. I did not disagree with the statement right. That's like a friend of mine. That is she's outwardly. Gay but his grandparents don't know in like you would always bring women to like weddings female friends and they'd be like oh he's such a player like we're just gonna say that you know like not. Obviously which is a generational thing and again like that like baby honesty though like maybe there isn't something wrong with saying like hey i actually really my life nick. I'm fully supporting myself. I'm happy with who i am and where i'm going like. Maybe they just don't know. Yeah i know either you tell them full. We'll honesty or just. Let them leave. Whatever they want to believe. Whatever you think it's easiest for you in dealing with your family that's the problem that brings it back to data is like what do you think it's easier when you go. For instance are that's that's where it all comes full circle but we'll get into it in this conversation. It's a good one definitely definitely listen through the whole thing on it. I took a lot away. What we love about all of these conversations that we have is that you learn something new about yourself. So i really love the last sounding board event. We just did a sounding board event with logan yuri that we just did on the science of dating where we had people take our quiz which is all about dating tendencies where you would either come out to be a maximize their of romanticize zor or a hesitate or and seem like ninety percent of our sounding board member for maximize which is not a surprise where you try to optimize the situation and you do a lot of research on your potential dates and it's become really indecisive at times because you're like it maybe there's something better out there me a very interesting question in our facebook group. She said as a maximize or how do you reconcile this feeling of having these sort of unrelenting standards and knowing that they're unreasonable and also not wanting to settle. And so how do you. How do you handle these two conflicting thoughts. And i've i feel like so. Many people are going through. This is on one hand. You want to be with the best person for you but on the other hand you also know that you have these expectations. You may not communicate new your potential suitors. That makes it very impossible to date you. So i was sated. That is we need to redefine settling. Is i think saddling is about finding the person that you feel. Like is the right person for you and creating a life with them knowing that they're going to be more problems and challenges down the line and your life is not going to be perfect.
00:15:08 - 00:20:02
Settling is not about giving up your standards and your values saying fuck it. Throw them out the window and he will like next next. Whoever's next i'll take you that is. The old school way of thinking about setting lists selling maximize irs can absolutely settle as long as you know that in the future. They're still going to be more problems that you're going to have to work there. You're not going to be with someone perfect. I feel like this was the week of getting to know you quizzes between the fan in that also our last week episode about skeet relationships scheme as which kind of leads to the question of the day this week but other quick announcement. We are going to actually do some. You know like if you are looking for something to do over the holidays we are going to keep our virtual happy hours running in the sounding board. So we'll have one on christmas eve and new year's eve as they all over thursday's one of our members also offer to kind of do this holiday party where people are going to wear favorite holiday onesie or ugly christmas sweater so again. It's just another reason to join the sounding board. If you aren't in it already. We opened up a few more spots so definitely check out dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. Absolutely so you brought up the would you rather for this week in. The question is sort of a complicated one. But it's if there was a service that could aggregate the compatibility tests ranging from attachment styles myers briggs astrology lovling which is in the grandmas etc. All of it to give you a list of people who are most compatible with you. Would you rather have a full list of whole names of human more compatible with you. But they could be anywhere in the world and and it doesn't take into account duplicate names more. Would you rather have a list of the number of people who are most compatible with you within a point five mile radius of wherever you are. Wow okay so. I want maybe clarify question that you give a point five miles by design in this questions. That's pretty close to your home. It's pretty close to your home. Yes well at first we had it. I was thinking about a one mile radius but depending on where you are one mile radius either cover. A lot of people were nobody at all but point five. That could be someone in literally in your dorm room. It could be someone in your apartment complex. It could be a neighbor. And it's something that i think could determine your next location wherever one moves to you. Okay so you would find out like let's say you. Hypothetically had zero people in a point five radius of where you are today with that would be. That'd be the info you get the number changes based on wherever you are got it. So if i zero in my current location i could move somewhere else and then see yes interesting. Yeah but the other one is just a full. It's a list of names. That's that's not changing. Because that's the your full list is exhaustive. So i was gonna go point five miles but then i was just. That's why i asked the clarifying questions just thinking that's really small. What if there were zero people on that list. The gift there was like two or three. You could at least abstracted out to figure out how many were in your general. But if it's zero it'd be really hard to keep moving locations in hope of finding someone all the time so therefore i'm going to opt for the list. So we're just thinking about it like san francisco one that either have to move to a different area or delayed move to seattle. That could be like a never ending thing. It's true. I mean but it's also if you're on vacation if you're out walking around you can explore different neighborhoods honestly. We're kind of opposing here. Because i would choose the point five mile radius. It would inspire me to get out of my neighborhood It would inspire me to travel and it was set me on this like investigative hunt for best matches if i knew there were fifteen people within a point five mile radius of me who are potential best matches. Oh you know. I'm gonna be out walking my dog like every every hour of the day. Originally i was gonna say that. Because i believe that people can find things in common with anyone. Even if they don't have commonalities always some commonality so my initial thought was like. Oh i for not the list so then i would just explore in like organically still meet those people and we give me hope that there's those people out there but i think just running the risk of having like no one on that list would be terrifying to me so i'm gonna go. I'm gonna go at the original. I'm gonna get my full list. People get your stock than heavily on lincoln and facebook other. What would you say to them like. Hey we're a perfect match perverse thing. I don't know what i would actually do with that information. I might have to go back and my other thing is.
00:20:02 - 00:25:02
Here's this oh okay. Some of the names maybe very unique but some names may be very common or mainstream like a joe mcdonald if you are dating joe mcdonald and there's a joe mcdonnell on your list but it's not that one but you keep trying to retrofit this joe mcdonald to two years. You're like no. This is really the one. I don't know maybe i'm making this more complicated but i agree like what would you do. You could retrofit anyone though in theory like if you knew that there's fifteen people. Whoever you met you would try to retrofit. That's true you could be like. Are you one of the fifteen. Yeah it reminds me of like that of tv show like are you the one when you're searching for the house. Yeah and you don't know which one but you make a more conscious effort for everyone you meet because now you know there fifteen people near you. Everyone you meet could be a possibility. See give them a little bit more time and attention. I no okay. I'm undecided overall. Kinda julius out just confused. She was like fucking by this day. We're gonna go with one of them. I think i might actually change my answer to the point five mile radius. Because i don't know what i would actually say to someone like i'm just thinking about it. I got a message from someone on facebook being like. Hey we're the perfect match. It'd be like totally like what the fuck. So what does that do okay. But what did the people say that people fed seventy percent chose they want the full names and thirty percent said they want the number and you know i think people who are sort of into like murder. Mysteries are into the number like janice. She's like just number. that lay. I know i'm just like certain. Out there. searching. For what percentage of people and then others are like no. I'm going to go stock the internet. I'm going to swipe through every app. There is to match these names for all those people. I want to know what you're like initial line would be and then maybe i'll switch back over if it's a lion i can get behind like that doesn't sound stocker creepy. I would switch back over to the other side you know. I think some people would use this list to compare against their list of x.'s. I'm not sure if most people use this to source new people as opposed to trying to validate some of their mold. Just a theory interesting. Okay well maybe one day. Someone's going to send me that message that they've got the list and i'm on it and then i think they're total creep. Because of this you search for julie craft check online. There's like three thousand in the world. I would actually be a great candidate. You be someone hit me up on linked in What was his name. I was gonna say my brothers. It's not that it was some other craft check. And he was like craft chick or something. And i'm like whoa. This is weird. it's not accommodation. it's not good for you. My name is way too common in china. There's there's like the us fifty million of them in china. So it'd be very and it's also a predominantly boy's name Whoever got my name on their list confused and it's very very confused. I like that. You brought up the name jared though because that is the name of our today is that what was on your mind. I don't actually know if that guys. Dave is jared. I just be like plenty of together. i'll have to. I'll stay tuned for next week. But he hit me up. I blinked and it was like hey funding. i've also a craft. Jake single ezekiel. I think he's i don't know he is kinda cute on it. You don't have fixed. Lacking i don't think he's i don't think you say go. I think he might be buried. But we'll see he's a youtuber. Actually okay we gotta get on this train. We gotta get craft chick train. But before we do that. A tie it to the jay train crashing train. We gotta get on the detroit which is shared retrain before we get on the train. You gotta get on the sponsor train. Take a moment. Thank our sponsor and is seen starting over breathe. We really series. He likes take a moment to thank our sponsor better. Help think about this. What is interfering with your happiness. What is something that is preventing you from achieving your goals for a lot of us. It is getting mental health in order. And we've definitely found this. Julian were like oh mental health. That's gotta be priority. So better help is a service that can assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapists. They connect you in a safe in private online environment. And the you can start communicating with therapists and under twenty four hours. You'll get timely and thoughtful responses plus you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions.
00:25:02 - 00:30:00
Better help is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they make it easy and free to change counselors if needed so. They're licensed professional counselors specialize in everything from anger family complex dealing with family during the holidays. Depression stress anxiety relationships sleeping trauma etc. You name it. They deal with it and everything that you share is completely confidential in fact so many people have been using better help that they're recruiting additional counselors in all fifty states. So we want you to start living a better happier life today and as a listener you'll get ten percent off your first month by visiting better. Help dot com slash dateable. Join over one million people taking charge of their mental health again. That's better helped spelled. H. e. l. p. dot com slash. Dateable okay can we get your jared stewart not jared craft chick notch aircraft check. The here's jerks freed. Jared freed who currently is in new york city originally from boston thirty five years old in a monogamous relationship. Are you like what is behind you are. They're stuffed animals. Being stuffed animals net stewart. And i've been moved to the bedroom because my girlfriend has an interview. Something was important to get away from like my podcast station. We drew lots and at the short like not an interview. Like what are we doing here. Yours was lessened or years. Name the other one so i. Obviously we know where we're really intimate. We're like jared's bedroom here. So that's situation. Yeah larry get less cozy. Who is jared regularly. Who doesn't know jared as a comedian and the podcast host a co host of the u up podcast and use a host of the j train Cast at goes Your intro because when i was like is there something wrong though like what's happening and then really like you. Have you ever very grand entrance like riot on your train. You know well the hall. Podcast is ridiculous. Jet is called the j trang podcasts and somehow we get life advice on something called the j. drink so that our ad is ridiculous. It's like why not have it like a wwe entrance to show. Like why not so ever really. I have a burning question for you. Anyway this is so birdie well we were looking up your bio on your twitter and it said that you were the inventor of the up. Tell us more about. And how can you claim that you have proof is time. Dan cut really nothing woman to come to hang out with you after midnight. But i was joking like it'd be funny bio inventor of the uup tax it and i honestly i forget how long it's been there for a long time. I just never changed. So did you send a lot of you up. I mean now that you're back to single. Jared the were you like a massive you i. I understand funding to be like i invented. The idea of being that late night is shot. You know what. I have another burning questions. So on your podcast. You claim that you respond to all your. Dm's my dog dmz yesterday. But you did not respond to him. No okay so tell the audience. What you wrote in your. Dm us with things. these are roads. I don't go into what's your stance on puppy play on puffy to me. That's me was like. I'm not even gonna go down this road. I didn't know who's you obviously. But i i was like honestly with how the netizens i was like. Oh this is a person that wants me like gets off looking at their puppy. Line touching themselves. While i if i answer. Yes they're going to be like. Oh good felt great. And now they're gonna screenshot now involved whatever we actually did. We did an episode about recently actually like so. It's a fetish. It's like people go to our youtube. We have like the whole puppy play at this story.
00:30:01 - 00:35:03
I mean they're related sometimes. It's not yeah it also could not be a non sexual. It's just more like love being playful like an animal. React round just head. I've said this many times with my podcast. That's kind of like there's a fetish really for anything you wouldn't even know that someone like oh. Is that your own my god l. but this is the thing like with with the album's i answer all the ends but first of all you gotta follow me because if you follow me then i'll answer but if you don't follow them link why would i give you time that if get me at the time. Yeah to initially follow. Mojo definitely follows territory sexual nature. I'm in a relationship that can only take me. Even if i'm joking rumps to people have to know the joke rile lay in now. That i know who's you generally i legitimately saw. I went down not so all of our female listeners. Love you because you're like the guy that tells it straight right like yeah. The mail and listeners know things just get just no no. We have betty best. We've met email listeners. Also love you. One of our like voted listers got his profile reviewed by always loving you. But i wanted to. How did you get into this like like. We're we're were you at when you started all this so my pockets used to call the fm bacchus. You remember total frat move move with is or was a website still exists where they were like basically like a barstool for fraternity life is based on how it described it. Kinda just became my own thing and they were like. Can we have our name back and our for the pakistan. Just one talk on the radio. I just thought. We'll figure it out. Chris show and then i i said at the end like a sending your emails and i had already written for articles chi-china had like a little bit of a trust with the audience to like send an email. That would be maybe a question. I wrote about dated. Because that's what's going on. In my life. I talked about alan stage for single and kind of the pitfalls of modern day dated and i think people just had trust that i was going to like not make fun of them for their issue. I think with a lot of this stuff. It's anyone could look at you at the table and you can look at you. Zoom happy hour and go and go down him. There's more important things like a horse. Yeah twenty you're caring about this and it's like well did he. Why didn't you text back in. Also a lot of people have their own schick on. So they're like. I have someone not texting me back to so when we did the mileage so i started getting these questions and i've always got dating questions from female friends and i think that's it because one. I like the conversation. I think it's interesting and two. I think also. I remind ought people of of a guide public dated like i'm going okay. Look dude. I'm not gonna bad-looking i'm not. I'm not like a model not looking. I'm someone you know. And i think also in the beginning of a lot of women were listening to podcasts. And so again. I'm on new. Votto frat moves. So i had a lot of male listeners and all their questions were not as interesting. It was like that this check. How do i saw thousand basically laid yet. How scroll that dina on you. Eight years not to get lane feeling question and sure sure questions just. Aren't that interesting for the most part of the male questions about ending something with someone like that's a very specific nail russian. I do you want to call out though. I think it's evolved over. Because i think when you guys are talking about like a bunch of years and it's also total frat move i mean that's that's your exact that's because all the sudden cereal comes out. Serial was the first podcast that was listened to by women. And now women getting the podcasts. And now all these like female driven. Podcasts are coming because i remember when it happened because i was. I knew that there was an audience for the show. I was doing and i knew i wasn't in front of a right and not to say that those were great people when they're not they are but i'm just saying like i. I thought i could go wider. And then yet i started going on female centric shows. I started having a lead and sammy. From echelon and i was like oh. Wow the dynamic with me in a woman's woman is so much more interesting and then i started getting women. Writing in and those emails was so depth. The layered and i had up very specific opinion on what they were talking about.
00:35:03 - 00:40:02
And then i think that encourages. I think it becomes a snowball thing and encourages like a guy. Be more dezsi. A woman to be. You know a woman's say oh. He's good at answering these. I trust this guy to not make me feel like a person for right because a lot of these things if you situations involve like sex and dating and and the and the yeah feelings i think it takes a lot of trust so that over time absolutely the questions so good. So what are the cause. I guess that's one of our questions is like what are the biggest questions you've gotten from women of the bad behavior that they see that they wanna know what to do. I don't want to call a bad behavior. Okay because i think i think every body that ends up with someone that person you ended up with was not great to someone else for the most part select. Let's offer a little bit of empathy to survive. If you're in like it goes into like how you brought up like a lot of women the credit of the disney princess. That like. We're like out. We were brought on prince charming and that is fucked up. But that's societal ship. Like whatever would you can try and change it for your child's not going to happen right away If that's something that bothers you go ahead. Changes for your. I don't think men get the same type of your leeway with that stuff. I don't like the idea of being a gentleman is all just saliva. When you like the idea of being like end your product that way old the door open for you know it's like why because that's the nice thing to do. Okay that does feel good to do. But like that. I'm not saying go slam doors and women phases but that's lives in a little bit of a lot like you know go you know. Don't don't hurt her feelings. Like well be honest. Like i think you're caught in the law. And i'm not trying to make an excuse. I'm just saying then. There's excuses everywhere i'm just saying like there's lot of these guys like are offered the ability like no one looks down on the guy's not getting married nolan's looking at us going right. What know. that's an unfair women. I remember i had a friend. She's like killing her career and she told me she was like the first question. Always who might be. And it's like if i were matt navy. I wouldn't be asked those questions. Yeah that's probably true. That's you know an but on the other side of that if a guy's never asked that question you know there's really no pressure lock things down and get in In maybe they are because they're like well. I'm just gonna sit here not really care about time not really care about like wasting someone's time with. Let's hold that thought for a second. I'll get right back to now. The holidays are the perfect time to get a little bit more. Glam d- up even if you're attending more virtual parties than past years thrive cosmetics. Yes cosmetics instead. Cosmetics is one of our favorite beauty brands that we discovered this year. Their products are high performance award winning and are both vegan and cruelty free the clinically proven formulas highlight your best features and improve your skin over time. Our goto and julia. I know you love. This one is award-winning mascara. Called liquid lash extensions. Oga about anybody else but i have not been able to get my lash extensions this year because of covid and this product makes my lashes so long. I've been if i'm wearing extensions. This flake free smudge free and clump. Free product has more than seven thousand five-star reviews and one glamorous best clean beauty product of twenty twenty award for the best miscarriage and now a lot of their holiday sets include a free tube of this massacre plus for every product. You buy they donate to help. A woman thrive yes. That's where the 'cause medics come from. Dr thriving and help women need today by going. To thrive 'cause medics dot com slash dateable fifteen percent off your first purchase. That's thrive c. a. u. s. e. medics dot com slash dat l. e. for fifteen percent off and one more quick announcement from us. Let's face it. It's a weird time to be dating or developing relationships. Have you recently decided that you want to make some changes to your love life. Maybe you've recently reentered the dating scene. Maybe you've gone on one too. Many dates that went nowhere. Or maybe you're ready to take your current relationship to the next level. That is exactly why we created the sounding board. A true extension of our podcast delivers a personalized experience which includes one on one coffee dates with us. A monthly dateable live after show exclusive audio content and much more allow julian. I become dating. Sherpa us to provide real time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable podcasts dot com slash sounding board again. That's dateable podcasts. Dot com slash sounding board. Okay let's get back into this condo.
00:40:02 - 00:45:00
I want to spend a little time on this. Because i find this fascinating that to being gentlemen means to lie which also just means that most men who are trying to be gentlemen or trying to display this kind of behavior doesn't know the root of why they're doing it and therefore it becomes it's somewhat of lie or they feel like it's expected behavior but they can't get to the root of why this behavior is expected. I don't want to that like being gentleman's app tech. Like i. I don't mean it that way and i hear what you're saying but i do. I do think. Here's an exam when i started you up with george danna when we started you up podcast. Which is dan. I the batches. I love working with them. Yeah great maze company. Love everything that doing. And they've been there's been. Nobody that's been creatively user with them. They call like. Hey we want to start podcasts. From the guy the the male and female perspective on dating. And we've got to give it a name but we want you to nail. And i'm like okay. Great i kind of have my point of view. I was going to be honest like now. Mentoring into like the batches world of audience. They come yet. Six nine seven million majority women. We take the episode. I remember thinking. I was like man. I think these women are going to hate. Like i was like. I don't wanna like really get so much negativity. I feel so bad. Because i do feel bad when it's negative emails back. I look into every we've only got really to negative elson starving or negative enough for that. That's pretty amazing. And i think what i realized from that like what's so what does that. All mean was how appreciative of messages. I get for just being honest and for. I don't think. I knew that as a single guy like i don't think i knew how appreciated and listen sometimes. Honesty means you're giving up the ability to have sex and that's why guys are because you have to kind of like you know guys. Most guys aren't stutz. Most guys a cup ours so their way of picking up women is to act like they would if they were trying to date so that that is you know i. I don't think they all knowingly do this. But i think that that is something that's happening especially with dating apps you gives you the ability to out every night when you're not guy that goes out every it gives you the ability to talk to live in. You never would've talked to in a bar so you've kind of gotten this like superhero serum injected in your in your blood because of the state to make you something that you're not really are but that's another story but i'm saying like when i would talk about these the appreciation for like. Hey this is really fun. i'm really attract you. i'm just here to be cash. Total cash but that's not really gentlemanly. You like hey. This has been a great night. I just wanna fuck you. I have no idea what the end of. This is going to be if i if if fucking you means that you're gonna be like in thinking that this is going to be more than that. I can't promise you oughta promise us tonight. Like dan loses you the fuck but also is hard to say. Go hugh me. Hey i love you. And i don't ever see myself. Mary buying had said that the so. That's very difficult. So i think there was like the feedback. I get an appreciation for the obscene appreciation. You're like hey wasn't personal about you. I think a lot of these things aren't hersal for a lot of guys like is on a spectrum the idea of like yeah liker You want to be serious off the series so you want to be exclusive. I'll be exclusive but no label. It's like what the fuck that the the guy doesn't know what that is. I but he's just trying to figure out a way to not you know snowball into something where he's the person who's the asshole who forced into seriously i think so i. That's what i mean by the gentleman thing like where it's i it's just like it's hard i again. It's hard forever. I mean usually even like stuff like ghosting. It's not coming most of the time out coming from a place. It's usually coming from a place like i don't wanna disappoint this person if i say no maybe i'll keep the door slightly open so if i changed my mind in a month you know but it still hurts the people on the receiving side sphere and it's all fear itself and it's also a product of. Why does it happen more now because we meet our people without a lot is loss so like you need someone random about right. That's that's easy to goes. There's no one that looks like. I always say that should be the best way to meet someone through family member. Because if i ever ghosted someone that like my aunt should be horrified. Giant what happened. Yeah b. neck while she blow me like three months late. And then i've been her.
00:45:00 - 00:50:01
She's to be like eight times she went. What's wrong with you. I'll like discussed it so there's no ons in the in the dating app scenario. Well i think. A lot of the dating conundrums stem from not being comfortable with ambiguity and uncertainty. So for the men that you're mentioning. They're unsure they like someone on a scale is exactly the same as a woman who's like. Where do we stand on a relationship scale. I want it. I want to. Dr but we're also somewhere in the middle with a situation ship and that's what causes a conflict. We're constantly looking for a definition of something in dating when that definition cannot be provided. Sometimes we just can't rest in that uncertainty. Why is that. Why are we so uncomfortable with that. Mean obviously if i knew at the formula nobody would have worked valuable as a kovacs. I come but i will say the based on the questions i get. I think a lot of people rate how they feel based on the person they're based on the feelings of the person they're see if he likes me. I like him nine five. That's really aims for us. It never it never works because you're never gonna know how someone else feels and this is hard to do. This is easier said than done. You don't want to approach someone that you're embarrassing yourself with. But like i tend to believe. I don't think we all trust her ourselves enough. You not like. I get this question on instagram stories. Sometimes some want to be too much What's i'd wanna get ahead of myself and that's like go ahead get ahead of yourself like you're not crazy. You're not like what is going to meet tex times. Asked to hang out more like it's not like you're going over shitting on the floor. Being cleaned up minute fetish. Then you're in your fetishes. It's like we're all right of mine. you know. So the most we all for whatever reason most of us think of ourselves in the screens instead of that big fat part of the graphs. And it's like what i always say like. Whatever your thing is thinking too much are getting ahead of yourself. Imagine the person you're seeing complaining to their friends about you and and see if that complaint sounds ridiculous like like imagine that guy on his friends being like. Can you believe this girl. She keeps texting to hang out all she wants to asleep over. She won't stop wanting to get a good the food like. Oh yeah his exile friends with you. You like her and new to go out enough to do. At least at least you get your aunts. So it's like be too much be what you are. You'll hear yesterday now that that kind of reverses that's where instead of like if they like me i like them. It's i like you. Oh you don't like me. Round came up. I think a perspective changes needed and has to happen. Because there's too many options out there for you to sit there and go will make if you know if you want you. He'll show i don't. Yeah i know five three. Oh yeah. I think there's a thing with guys next. See this a lot lately where it's like they. They wanna find a way to the odds. I think they do. I think the questions getting guys. Like i wanna be a question. I want to be out there. I want to be having sat. So i wanna be like meeting new people. I am looking for relationship but on my way that it is a bunch of women. I would like to faulk where i that's part of how i look for someone to be in relation. Yeah that's honesty. I think i think again like just like the guys learn about. The women have to learn like you date to find out. You don't just day to get a relationship date to like work to see if this is the match and then you have to have tastes and if the person you're dating has no taste than how much does that like so i i think like a sex gets brought into this but like if you're a person that can't have sex without getting ahead of yourself and you're gonna be monumentally. Broken by a sexual relationship doesn't end up in marriage and you have to protect yourself is what like you have to like. Take ownership of your and that takes time. That's not easy like owning your relationship with sacks like that's the hardest part but we talk a lot about that you operates like listen no guys staying with you because you had suck right so if you're not cool with with the sex you're having the reasons you're having that sex than it's not gonna fix the problem so it's not gonna fix so i think that's a big part of the students. Hey like partner with wanting to have sex does not mean that you're gonna feel good having sex like just because you have a relationship with sex. That's one thing doesn't mean personally cross as the same relation. Bright right exactly nets. And that's the top discussion to have like.
00:50:01 - 00:55:07
Hey we're gonna have sex now on. This means as much to me as a shout in some people. They're like what. That's not i don't know about you. I'm just saying this sex doesn't make me more emotionally off with you. It makes me the same amount of your cue. I liked john the date i'm having i'm with you. I trust you and that's key to talk about nikki here. Even saying i feel added. Want anyone to think that. I'm like trying to lessen anyone's experience i don't. I don't think. I think you settling interesting that like i think. Some people overcompensate now especially men that they're like. I don't want to lead people on. I don't wanna do this but what you set a some of it. We just need is of the course of dating like a lot of times. You just need to like hook up to see if it's a good compatible fix and that that's not just a man thing like i share. I've done that before and then decided it's not too so yeah it. It's if both parties are ready to walk away from the table. Then that's one relationships. Don't that's when people start to feel like they owed them. Like i think guys never want to get a position where they host. That's why i always end academic beware vacations holidays and global pandemics. Because that's of breakup happened before what's going on because guys saw okay. Now we've been away from each other two weeks. I don't really owe them anything because we haven't had sex in the last week and now it's not like i just fucked unchecked. You know now. I have this reason that is very easy to understand. And i don't have to blame it on while i kinda like you but i don't see a long term future like you could go vote with the pandemic jobs in the air and i don't know what to do. I think we should now. It's not about me something about And that's where a lot of confusion comes of like well. He said he still likes. It's just the pandemic it's like it's the pandemic and you're not going back. Yeah it's always shipped the narrative to hurt the least amount of feelings for the other person and ourselves. So we tell ourselves stories of these external factors outlets because of that. Or it's because of whatever that's going on out of my control when we don't allow times in dating we don't take responsibility for own feelings or i would even go as far as saying we don't know our own feelings. We don't own the time. Getting to know murphy own feelings. This is why so many So many people have these like we had the best weekend together. Yeah like yeah you know. It's because oh this guy was in town. We met on the app and hughes coming back to town every few weeks and we have the best we can together in. It's like yeah. It's easy to be the for weekend. You're not doing life together yet. There's a built in. Excuse a i never back in the city. This is going to be a little ridiculous but we can't keep out and it's like it almost like it's like wearing a belay. It's like wearing with a row when those bilton excuses. That's why people that's why people like we connected in a way. That was so crazy. Yeah because those wait there was x. Yes before we hopped on this call with you. We were saying julie. And i were saying how we wanna get to know your personal life a little more so i feel like i want to ship some are talking to over there because you started out as a comedian so i my question to all comedians is who broke your heart to make you get into comedy. I don't really buy that that narrative with comedians. Everyone remembers that. Like my fam- like thanksgiving a few years back in my my aunt was like they say all comedians depressed sounds like will. Now i don't a relating thing No i like alipay people. S i i love doing stand. A whole thing is about doing everything i do is service to go on stage and you talk about things that will make people make a room. Laughed at a certain point. Became a little bit of an obsession. You start doing less of the things you don't like i started doing like four or five open mic night and i'll do every night you know. My friends are getting married. And having kids i was kinda just doing santa. So were you like a relationship guy or were you more like casually dating like what was your life like at this put out somewhere in between. I was a big ten month. Okay a very specific. Yeah i would. Oh ten months. And i would see the her. It wasn't the right match for million out kinda move on. I wish i was a better casual than what do you think about the year. Mark that well. I think it was also like the. Hey we're not getting there. I think a lot of times in the train doesn't stop with relationships. You get on at the station. Hey we're a couple and now we're heading towards move and then we're heading towards engaged and then we're heading towards the wedding that we're heading towards the baby and the baby to an end.
00:55:07 - 01:00:05
It's that doesn't change that in anytime people try to stop. That train does a prob. People want to ignore that they said well. We took a step back while does not normally. that's just nine out of ten. It's you're on that train or in an either get off. The station stops for you. Keep go and that's kind of what happened you. We'd be in these mountains Okay what next. When's the trip. I second day. Third day faulk and then fourth day fifty six to eight parents. And then sixty seventy seventy eight eight nine day trip and then you know ten days. Update twelve instagram posts. Like the the like really official. It's posted after parrots it. I was like this is a very interesting tie blah and now now in quarantine. It's like i i saw. I think a lot of faking that structure of thing. I'm not looking to get married right away. Have to say that you are looking for this to keep growing keeping. That's it goes back to what you were saying before. Sti because back to all the honesty stuff like no one wants to just say their intentions. Because they're afraid that people will like leave at that point and say no. I'm not ready for that. And then they go wool wide. You go and then at that point you have to on your own feelings. You have to go. Well i do enjoy you. Stay with this and you make you know. All of these are like business decisions. You know all become like you know what he's not ready to say. I love you. But i love him. And i'm going to stay here because i believe in loving him aren't than than going out and finding the next purse you know there's a there's a math equation that all of us do. How long have you been with your current girlfriend a little more than two years. Okay so you pass to ten month. Mark saying congratulations where I think it's a combination of many things. Like i love her. I'm very happy with connect on a very like an amazing level. The also like you know. I became more comfortable as myself and became more comfortable in my career and things were moving forward with north star finding a little bit more success here and they're making some money to accommodate feeling a little bit better about like feeling better about doing some of the relationship things that do take away from doing what you want. And if you don't like. I think like if you don't wanna take the trip to beat the other person's because you went to work that's really fun you know like that's not really You're not really like actively participants to me. I think those all go in. And think. If i wasn't really moving forward in my career i wouldn't be able to open my head up to meeting someone into taking the night off to go on a date to. Hey we've you know being more available for separately here that a lot. Yeah we're it's always the million dollar question with men is in person you meet the right person or is it that you're ready like and maybe it doesn't have to be -clusive of both. Yeah it's really hard to answer because some anyone could look at that and see it as a negative towards my girlfriend's not. That's not the case. I think it's perfectly positive Also like this is a big thing for all. God's think like again societal stuff. I'm not saying an excuse. But i am saying we have to admit that exists like is that like you know a lot of your self worth is out of your ability to provide like do things and be somewhat net. You're maybe a child could look up to and feeling good about what you're doing on a daily basis and fiat like you were like that's why our relationships and during cope they lost a job in. They're going. I don't feel worth it right now out of you. So i'm where i love myself and i mean i've had that happen firsthand like in a serious relationship like my sister fict- other x now just was not in the place of being good job where he was at. It really did hinder. And i think this hannitized batu were talking about but like as like a woman sometimes. It's hard to know like. Is it a legit reason that they're just sure not or are they just kind of blowing. Smoke up your ass. Anybody that end something. It's a legit rates like whatever that reason is if someone ends up it was important enough to them to end. It's hard and some so that was looming that much for them the legitimacy of it of what the words are the action was very difficult to and it's a really hard thing with the the whole idea of like okay.
01:00:05 - 01:05:06
'cause date one is sheet dating cheap being casuals sheet being Sense as far as with your time as nora's with your effort level as ours with where you go next like you know. I see it with my stuff. It's like you know. I'm going to be going on. Saint louis this weekend new shows and we have to like be totally like i have to be in a relationship. Someone's okay with that with me leaving through some you know. And if and if she said to me well if she got mad. Every time i left i would go. I have to camping And not. Because i don't love my girlfriend this because i need to be able to feel like i'm for with my career to also love myself to be able to love you like Those both go hand in hand. They sound like self out tom. This sound really kinda like now. Generally don't hear guys say i to love myself to off you and it's just that's i think that's like it takes time in age figuring that out like no one wants to be the guy in i think with women maybe like the the children's zoellick staff structure. You know like status items sometimes child like i'm doing it. I'm achieving at the table. I'm doing well with my friends. I'm a mop too. I'm not saying that's fair right but it seems like the competition as far as like. She's got the rain. She's got the kids the instagram posts with the messy only towel in the job over one shoulder in the baby over the other shoulder. God i don't think people have when they put up that picture but i'm just saying that can for some can be nuts like i don't think there's any guy that's like just gotta get that house with the dog over my shoulder in the messy buck nickname saying our be able to afford that house Downstairs and and be respected by that woman as the messy buff will cut like all just comes down to readiness. I think in some way for like it depends if you're ditching out on like early dates versus you're in a relationship like you said it's a conscious decision to leave. I think those are very different scenarios. But a lotta times at the root of both of them there is this like this isn't the place i'm supposed to be right now. For whatever reason that is like you were saying. I don't wanna tell someone. I just want to have sex because that is the truth but like if i say that then it might not happen but if that's really where you are right now like that is the honesty. That's behind yup. And where you are and and also like if you don't know what you want sodas and others like. I think like this idea that everyone that you're the only one who doesn't know what they want is a is sure that's crazy. Everyone's on kind of data debt and just trying to survive. And eat sleep and falcons and feel good about those things and it's like i think like we have if you look at it from the perspective that realize like it's not that personal to you. It's more they're going through their own shit and being with someone is the best way that they believed to get through that shit. I'm back to you. How have you been living together. We moved april beginning of the beginning of all shits. Ua was like korea. yes and the. It's much better now. First month was rough rough rough. I think goes expediting our relationship and removing what you're saying before you can spend a lovely awesome amazing weekend together because that's how our relationship was to now seeing each other every day taking conference calls and trying to plan out meals that's like the non sexy shit comes in and then you're like wait now. This is a totally different dynamic. So curious to hear what you've learned in your well first of all. Have you lived with another girlfriend before never loved the girl from. I've learned that. I do everything very messy and according to her i i m a slob hoop wrong. That learning are you leaving surprise and it's always surprised that looks like i'll do a check and then she'll come back. Oh shit there. How'd you find that goes over after blue light. That's who wants to get into a relationship in the one. I hard code because there's no like missing each other and i think like you need some of that relationship you need to go into like you need to get away from each other for like a workday and then go hey. Let's go out for drinks and discuss our work day. And it's like you know i think that becomes harder because there's no real like hey and look look how good look for work and come back and not say.
01:05:06 - 01:10:03
She doesn't look whatever swear. I'm just saying it's just that change up. it becomes a very the same lot and i. I'm sure she's looking at insane. Good thing you're going away this weekend. Okay as a by standard uae's relationship. I see a huge difference relationship. I won't comment. But i see a massive difference like you were alluding to earlier like you would spend the weekend together but now you're doing life together more. Have you seen those shifts also with this time. Yes yeah we do everything together so like we do. Every if i go get coffee do coffee like it's like if i'm gonna go like walk around call outside or worry you know it's a. It's like how you wouldn't do. That was with me when she was an office. Did you go outside our state like. Yeah what the fuck you know like i. I work from home the last ten years so i have a kind of lake schedule and operating the way i operate i did. The hardest part is like getting a moment. Seles like understanding that ignoring someone is an orange someone. So i out like she hates these headphones. This headphones off. And i'll just start with an odd cast and as i'm doing other vets as mike engines on it was a certain momentum to get some and then she'll start talking in tongues story and lives here. What what macau one headphone back off again on. I'm not here at your disposal. Just pick up. And i'm just ready to go. I i have my own head space. That i'm going to i. I don't know if i'm gonna do podcast and a half hour. Let's not talk and not in zona like doing podcasts. Isn't isn't working call by. But it's a very zoned in conversations zone. So i think it's like having those conversations like it's not again. Most ninety percent of our times spent like a little ridiculous. We make fun of it being like. We'll be hugging. Can't we hate each other like that type. Bought a ten percent of time. Or you're just like yeah. This isn't about you. i need. I need i need to do this. I need what have you know. I think tying it back to our earlier conversation theme whether like you're an early stage dating or all the way through right. It's like there's always two people at the table here like we often we forget that. Like you're only in your own mind a lot of the times just kicking off our takeaways from this conversation. There's just been so much. That's there. And i think at the end of the day. We're all just trying to figure it out. Like i think we've talked before about like asking people on a first or second date like. Are you ready for a relationship. Are you looking for a relationship. And i think it's not a bad thing to have those conversations just to see if they're like wildly off from where you are but i also don't know if they're always telling one hundred percent either 'cause sometimes it's like i st experience in see of were even the right fit like i might end up wanting to do something but if i'm not like sometimes you need to go through the process to know what it is or not like we're talking about with you know trying things on for size a little and i think sometimes were to dismiss when people are just really. They're not trying to hurt anyone or do anything per se. That's bad behavior all get checked on that. But it's like. I'm i'm just a human being. I'm trying figure it out so while i'm not excusing bad. Dating behavior along the way i think we do all need to just kind of like take it a little less personal in like russia off a little that it's not like a reflection of you. It's just someone trying to do their best and figure their own shutout. Well any economics class will teach you that. People are south notably even marriage itself mode This person makes me feel so good. I have to keep them and make them mind by contract like that. Like if you're looking at in that way it's all south supplementation that sometimes creates a mutually beneficial relationship. And that is what it's about and it's like like. I moved in with my girlfriend because i was having such a great time with her votes. So good about when we were together that one more time you get. All of those are is statements. All those aren't about. You know. And i think i think people own their self motivations more than they wouldn't be waiting around to try and figure out the the place of other people a labeling conversations to find the relationship on on that a lot of times people are just asking for other people to like hold their aunt life in out. That's really fair. I think if you're like. Hey i am enjoying my time with you. I need another day a week or more effort for me. If they either do that and then you have to review whether you go.
01:10:03 - 01:15:02
I maybe i should ends navy. I i don't like someone who doesn't want to spend more time when i'm ready to spend more time with that like i. That's perfectly reasonable explanation for why a micronutrient could look at the go. I don't like i've asked. You not should on the back of the toilet. Many many are and you and the way joe fixit and think as adema matic that you don't listen to me and i knew Could that's a harsh thing here. Now go give me one more chance and then do it again in In that speak star. I think a lot of times people are like. There's this like question. I get in always leans should should i met. Should i care should i. I can't tell you that. I end if someone is telling you that. They're trying to make money off view. It's almost like the ten rule right dating. yeah. I can find you a book that they're trying to sell you later. You sh the make a man wanna do. All those are are ways to like. Take your own feelings out of it. Like if someone doesn't pay for the day maybe that makes you feel good. Its own does picked. Maybe that makes you feel if someone has set the nate. You loved that experience and that was great. Solid won't have sex. Do you like the its own your own feelings. That's why like there's a point where you have to go okay. I feel this way. I'm asking for this thing. How do i feel now that they respond. Yeah that's very much related to my take away. Which is this idea of practicing honesty. Not just with others. But with yourself i and the way i see it as what would you say to yourself if you took the consequences out of the equation. If you didn't think about if you can hurt your feelings or other people's feelings. What would you honestly say nancy. I think we're a lot of times. Were afraid to have those conversations with ourselves because we're afraid to face the consequences so i really am. You know. I think this is something. We should all live by practicing honesty with ourselves. I i love this idea of relationship train in what you were saying earlier. How once you get on you like pretty much. Just keep rolling forward As someone who experiences first-hand since the pandemic hit is this is a train that keeps rolling by in a relationship. I see it as like a bicycle. Both be more peddling and you each have a pedal in if one person pedals forward the only way to move forward as you gotta pedal forward and takes too. So i think a lot of times. Our narrative is oh. She wants kids or she wants a bigger commitment or he wants this. It's not like relationship is no longer about individual wants. It's about one person proposing so they they take that pedal step at ford and then the other person responding with i will meet you there. Or let's hold right here. Let's hold still 'cause we don't need a pedal forward if we don't need if we don't want to. But i see that you that is what makes you happy than i will meet you somewhere so i i love the relationship train but we also should understand the we are in control of this trade in that it doesn't just we don't let it move just because for the for the fuck of it like now. It doesn't work like that. You could take stop up here like take shit. Yeah i think the whole honesty p chew. It's like i love this being honest with yourself. Because i think we also take a step back on some of these bad dating behaviors right. I'm doing for anyone. That can't see a lot of them. You probably do yourself. I know i. I've certainly have done them myself. So i think don't see it as men and women. I think a lot of it applies to all of us in this day and age that yeah it's like where is that line though of being honest and i personally think it's like if you know then that's the time to have the conversation but if you're really just in this state that you're just trying to like figure things out then it's not dishonest in that world. He rarely ask themselves. What would it take from you. You know what's the y'all think about what what's the thing that would be so mad than i would have to dump the spurs. If there's nothing that you would that maybe you don't have any tastes. Maybe you don't really like this person just happened to be relationship. I think that's like a big argument. Like if you're just gonna stick around no matter what no matter what's going on like you have to wonder how much your taste is involved in this role age. And that's a big part of being on sue south it's like hey M i just here because this is here or i might year. Because i'm fully enjoying it and i i think a lot of people at the ask that question because for so many it's like the The alternative is like off day.
01:15:02 - 01:17:38
That this person gonna be alone is going to be that. Be this okay. I'll just stand. This makes me angry. So i think that's a big part of like when you get upset with someone you like. What's going on with this person. Well do the like this person to someone who doesn't texts you right does turn off like you. Just try to get the thing you know. I think that's a that's a big yard free. Where can people consume. All of your staff is. You've got so much stuff going on and got a lot of stuff at freed on instagram. That's kind of the center. My will. But i'm on everything i got to podcasts. You up podcast. J. train park. S if you go on my instagram at matcher free. it's all. I post something as an easy place to find. Just fan anything right here. And he's like a bouncer peg with you. That would be the second line that i would do. We from my own giving. What do you want. He's practicing his do. Well thank you so much for your time. This is so much fun this interim all right for you. Know what is really helpful for us to get fabulous guests like jared is if you give us good reviews and ratings and apple. Podcast this is. What makes us look legitimate. So we don't seem like we're just into play in random people on instagram. And we're just a wrap this up. Say ohio the database. Podcast part of the frolic podcast network. Find more podcasts. You'll love at frolic dot media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation. I follow us on instagram. Facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable. Podcast tag us in any post with a hashtag. Stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts then head over to our website dateable podcasts dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well. As articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums roseau downloadable for free. On spotify apple podcasts. Google play overcast. Stitcher radio and other podcasts. Platforms your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.