S11E4: The Boyfriend Manual

Dateable Podcast
September 8, 2020
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September 8, 2020

S11E4: The Boyfriend Manual

Nope, this isn't an instruction manual from IKEA but we're chatting with Vasanth about all the little things you can do for your partner that go a long long way.

The Boyfriend Manual

Nope, this isn't like an instruction manual from IKEA but we're chatting with Vasanth about all the little things that help you become a better partner. We discuss different types of small gestures that have a huge ROI, how to adjust your moves based on your partner's love language, and why women can (and should) also be doing these little things for their partner.

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Episode Transcript

S11E4: The Boyfriend Manual

00:00:00 - 00:05:07

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves I'm your host. Yue Xu former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. Hey everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating. We say this from week to week, but we mean it we're trying to dig into the whys of dating why people do the things they do damn. It want to get to the bottom of it all. You got to get the answers, but that's why in makes working on this podcast so much fun because I feel I, we get new answers every week and my mind is just blown all the time. What are we doing this week like what's happening this week? Well, we're recording early. That's for sure 'cause I'm actually going away. I feel like I haven't left my house in how many months eight months it's as months Oh march April may June July August five, six months Eight. Okay. That's though six months like A. You know you haven't taken a ton of trips like you did the one last week and I mean you've seen your parents not necessarily Prima leisure trip you did get out of your house at least now and yeah I'm excited I think I dislike a friend of mine was like let's go to Carmel and like yes. Let's do it. You know like I'm a little concerned about the smoke below concerned about cove it but I'm just like I'm just going. To take calculated risks and obviously be safe where Basque all that but yeah, just looking forward to leaving. So thank you for doing this record a day early or two days early, we usually do Sunday nights for anyone that's coming on just. So we're pretty fresh for when this releases on Tuesday night if you're a subscriber so another reminder to become a subscriber to get early, but we're doing this today on Friday. So we're a little early before the weekend. Nica plans this weekend I don't really have. Any plans this weekend. But I think you bring up a good point and it's like at what point during these cove at times do you say fuck it and I still got to live my life you know just like for those people who are to people who are constantly on diets who feel like they have to deprive themselves to get this body that they want at what point is it not worth it because you're depriving yourself of the pleasures of like really good food so I feel the. Same Way about right now, it's like I think we're all getting to that breaking point of saying, fuck it needed just something. I. Don't think it needs to be like fuck it completely because I think that's what's got this country trouble when we've just gone total one eighty but the way I look at it is this is probably the reality for a bit longer. This isn't GonNa just end until we have a vaccine completely and who knows when that will truly be. So can you take risks that? Aren't major arrests like for example, I went back and forth the other week about going to a house to noma and I was ready to do it, and then I found out someone was going to be taking a plane from Atlanta to Sonoma's and that made me very uncomfortable because it really kind of took away all the tests that everyone was doing and you know it's like I know you can't like planes supposedly aren't necessarily detrimental, but it's taking someone from a totally different environment like who knows what they're gonNA come in contact their tests they did basically as useless because they got on a plane. With a bunch of people. So I think this one while I'm still a little nervous I'm not gonna say of totally like at ease. I do feel better because it's one person it's only two days right? Like I think the other thing is is yeah it'd be gone for two weeks maybe started off on like a two day one. It's probably like a better bet. So it's just easing back in and figuring that out I. Mean I've been going to a lot of restaurants and such because I do need some normalcy back in my life. Absolutely well, speaking of Normalcy I. Think I'm getting a little abnormal. You. Never. Normal. Together. But this weekend when you asked me what I'm doing, it got a little bit of news from my landlord. It's always been a little wonky for anybody who lives in big cities. You know sometimes you have a weird landlord situation where you're like, are you really my landlord or? Are. You really own my apartment. My landlord as it turns out is not the owner of my apartment. He is the manager of my moment. I basically found this out maybe two years after living in that apartment and recently I got the news at the owner owner had passed away and he has no family. Oh well, he has no spouses or no kids nobody to pass down the apartment to.

00:05:07 - 00:10:01

So it went to his estate and the latest news I got from my quote unquote landlord is that they're selling my own shed. They need to get out and I've been dreading the stay for so long because I love my apartment at such a good deal, it's an great location. You know we've done. It could be like our future podcast studio up. So pissed to and I even I tried really hard to make an offer and say I'll give you all by the apartment. If that's what you're looking for I think they're trying to figure out what to do with the but in the meantime because the apartment building a so old the key of that apartment is actually more than the rent that Oh, Shit. Yeah. So get the fuck out. We're losing money by having attended by eight is giving me the kick in the butt that I need to I. Don't know take a next step in life and move out of this. Era of my life in San Francisco. So this weekend I ordered a bunch of moving boxes on the start packing. I'm trying to do this in piecemeal so that by the end of the month I I will have everything packed. So that's what I'll be doing. This weekend is hacking I think this is just exactly what I needed. I felt like a change was coming and change is definitely happening seem forced upon me. Got It. Well, that's the dating news. Yeah I have. I have a virtual date tonight that a very excited about. So been shouting with someone and I feel like we've had a really good connection through tax will be interesting to see what happens supposed to do it last night and I actually asked if we could reschedule because Saddam but I stayed up to like three of the boarding the night before watching people my show and I've known no. Okay good. Actually, so tired the next day because I stayed up to the real like a dumb, ass. So by the time, we're supposed to do a call which was like nine I was like half asleep. So I'm like if like you can't do tomorrow like I definitely want to chat with you and like I don't want this to be like you. I'm flake gang or anything like that. But if you're flexible, it could be tomorrow and he was totally accommodating. It was really nice I like really appreciate when people are just open. You know I mean, I get it. It's like no one wants to do the last minute cancel but I also like I want to present myself the best I can and I'm half asleep like that's not a good look either yeah I. Really Love it like when people are open and flexible. So I think it's one of those things to the after give myself a reminder sometimes because sometimes we're quick to be like, oh I'm not a priority of this person like cancels last minute or does something But at the realities are not a priority at this point like you barely know this person. So it's one of those things that it's really it's like how someone reacts like in a relationship like you want someone that can be flexible that might not be like the. So tit for tat that needs to feel like they're schedule hundred percent. So I think seeing that flexibility a bit in early dating is so important and I think the other lesson that we've learned from some repass gas is you always Wanna put your best foot forward when you go dates. So if you had like a terrible day at work, have you gotten a fight with your mom? Don't go on a date because You're not going to have a good time you're guaranteed. So even like if you are to reschedule your date I, think what you did was like fantastic and you just have to explain why that's happening. It has nothing to do with them. It's just I really want to be in my present the version of myself when I get on this virtual date with you absolutely and I think like he too was like the way you set ed really makes me feel like open to doing it like if you're. Just like Vegas Yeah like people don't understand your motivation, that's when things really start like people start to make stories up in their minds. Yeah. Yeah. Answer the why before they ask exactly. So we'll see how it goes, but you know I think both of us are like, Hey, we enjoy talking to each other if nothing else like will get to know a new person you know and that's really all you can do with eating anyways and if this guy works out pretty well, he should listen to this. that. This week because it's all about being a good boyfriend or at least being a good partner in the little things. That's what we learned in this episode, it's a little things is not like the grandiose gestures. It's the little things you do on a daily basis they really add up in this starts from early dating to you don't have to be A. Couple to do these little things for each other I even think what you did with him. Just giving him that gesture of I respect you I want to be my best self for you. That's a little thing to yeah I. Mean I think the little things I. Love this topic and I remember actually needing this guest in real life and he was like.

00:10:02 - 00:15:16

Someone was like, Oh, you're going to be truly she does a podcast that he was talking about this experience like there's something really interesting here because I feel like so many podcasts in so many groups that are just like manner the worst they suck Blah Blah I think one of the things that we've learned a lot from this podcast where we have about forty percent men is that they are dealing with the same struggles that women are sometimes we process it different and I think like hearing someone that really was like I want to do something good for my partner like I want to be a good person like I wanna make them. Happy. Like it's refreshing to hear that because there's so much noise out there of just like how men's sock and all that, and that's just not like if you are pursuing a heterosexual relationship like that mindset is just not going to help like how is that going to help to have your partner that you're finding as the enemy? Yeah and I constantly think about this too because you know among friends, you always hear what their spouses and their significant others have done for them and it's always like the big gestures because those are newsworthy nobody's going to be like, Oh my boyfriend opened my yogurt for me knowing that I want some yogurt you know. Not News. Worthy. But that could mean a lot to you and this weekend I listened to an interview on Howard. Stern with Trevor Noah who I have to add him to our list of liberty hand dream celebrity. Yes down. Put Him at the same level as Elisa Schlesinger because I really would love to talk to him. So Howard Stern asked him how many times have you been in love? He's thirty six years old. And he said Ten ten to twelve times. And Howard Stern was like how is that possible because you've never been married and he's like success in love and relationships is not measured by these big milestones is that I've had these wonderful loving passionate relationships with ten women who I still love, and that's what I measure as success and I really love the way he said he's like it's just because I'm not married doesn't mean I'm not successful in my love life I've given myself to so many to ten women who I still respect and I still. Treasure. So yes, Trevor Noah evaluating knows him please let us know we would love to get him on dateable absolutely. Yeah, and it's so true what he said and it's it's funny because like with my acts like one of the things that we did, we talked openly about the stuff in general whether things we did as kind of like a parting ceremony per se like what was our favorite experiences with each other and like some of the ones that we both said were just like these like kind of like. Moments like one that always stands out for me is like he dislike one time I was in the other room and he's come into the bathroom and he liked put out candles everywhere and like Jiro bath and it was like one of those like you know it's not you don't do anything to pay anything like it's nope or easy, but it's like little things like that. Show that the other person's taking care of you in a way and I think that stuff. Does go so far and it's stuff you remember for a lifetime and speaking of memories. Here's our would you rather from last week I find the super fascinating the would you rather question last week was if you had to lose a memory, would you rather lose a memory of losing your virginity or your biggest heartbreak? I-. Okay. So first of all I think everyone had a different take on this everybody always has a different interpretation of of these would you rather but it's based on whether you thought about the memory itself or the consequences And we had so many people in our facebook group flip flop back and forth they said actually I I chose losing my virginity and then I changed my mind and I went to heartbreak because I realized my biggest heartbreak although it was so hurtful it taught me so many life lessons that have shaped me into who I am. So if I don't remember that, then I wouldn't have carried those lessons with me. Absolutely I think that was my thought process through the whole thing I. think at first I was like Oh, my God. My heart was so horrible like I remember just like not being able to get out of bed like it was so. But then at the same time like I would not have gone to therapy I would not have become more introspective I would not have done this podcast probably like my whole life be different in also just like what I learned from that relationship in like Kinda back to what Trevor Noah was saying is even if things don't end in like marriage or that you're together forever that still such a core part of my life that I would never take back even though there was hurt that came with it. There was. So much love and happiness that came from it. So I would agree I would probably take back my virginity. Honestly, that like that memory like it wasn't even that great of memory for me like it was like whatever like it was with this like this boyfriend I had that was fucking a piece of shit to be honest like he like kissed another girl in front of me woods because I wasn't giving it would have potential like it was like you know we're young.

00:15:16 - 00:20:03

People are dumb I just. I don't need that memory. No should go without that I mean honestly like losing my virginity wasn't like detrimental or anything like terrible. It was kind of like take it or leave it memory. So yeah. So is that your answer? Lose us to lose that like, yeah, you can. You can go without it. We did have some people come and say that losing their virginity was the first time that they thought about their own sexuality and their relationship to sex, and how is how empowered they felt. So some people really felt like they're losing their virginity was more of a milestone in their life verses that heartbreak. So it really again, it just depends on the consequences of that memory and with that served for you but it just shows you everything's a domino effect. Leave you I mean, I, think a Lotta people after reading this question thought about if I remove that memory, what would my life be like? It probably would be a little different right the way you think about yourself and your relationship to other people. So it's a fascinating lists of responses that we got I would also choose losing my virginity as the memory I can lose because. I. Think my biggest heartbreak has catapulted me into being a much better person and a much better partner that I don't think I would have gotten there without it but I would also say like I don't actually remember losing my. I don't remember the exact moment i. mean dairy lesson them moment that like I think about honestly, I haven't thought about it since he posted this. and. So I think about the heartbreak bell a lot. So I think yeah that probably answers itself. It could also because of our age Julie like I think you answered this question. Twenty. You're like, okay with her shirt for sure. So what were the polls? What do people say results were forty seven percent of people chose lose memory of losing your virginity and fifty three percent chose their biggest heartbreak. So pretty even mainly interested the numbers kept flip-flopping back and forth I was like keeping an eye on it as a play by play of like fifty percent and then sixty percent and it just it kept flip-flopping but always kind. Of Equal. Is the same on our facebook group too. Yeah Super Interesting and if you want to be part of the discussion, join our face group of you having yet. Do you have foam? Oh, yet because we keep talking about our facebook group, it's called the love and the time of Corona by the dateable podcast we have the most fascinating discussions about everything not just dating like everything related to relationships I am constantly amazed by the people. I just love like the love having that direct line to our listeners to and just hearing what's going on in their lives. So definitely join the facebook group. If you're not with us on instagram already, we also announced on facebook group and instagram that last week was our two hundred episodes. So yeah, you're. You're you're going to get there to get all the insiders Infos. And we're just you know we loved instagram. You can slide into our DM's we definitely trying to talk back it might be a day or two delayed, but we always try our best to get that response back to you. So you get the type of Dams I. Love I don't know about you Julie but the ones I love are like stream of consciousness like I was just listening to your episode and I thought. Of This I love it real time. Yeah and then the last cut of announced it we always do leave that liberating in review it helps us so so much as don't understand this is like what makes it or breaks it with podcasts and we know there's more listeners that have been have left review reviews like a lot more. So you haven't yet it takes literally one second to leave that rating hit five stars and Then you can be done, but if you want to go that extra love like leave us are one or two liner. We'd love reading those. Yes. Makes me feel so warm and fuzzy another line of communication with US would be our youtube channel. We have a brand new channel it's called data bowl. So have you been part of the data will podcasts Youtube Channel where shutting that down or migrating everything over to the dateable? Channel where we'll post all of these were recalling dateable chats is what you're listening to right now but it'll be on video and we'll also have some other great content like our decorator video that everyone needs to see and are very last announcement is I those of you who've been with us for a while we've been part of the FROLIC network and we love them and also as part of the network. These other. Amazing. PODCASTS and we like to talk about one of them today. It's called the big gay fiction podcast. They have new episodes every Monday and get this. This is what they talk about anybody who's into avid gay romance fiction. So they do all kinds of book recommendations.

00:20:03 - 00:25:03

They do exclusive author interviews and they talk about gay pop culture. So it's very aptly named big gay fiction podcast, new episodes, every Monday and you can find. Them on the FROLIC network and this episode is made possible by our wonderful sponsor better helped. So we've talked about that are help for I can't stop talking about them because most recently I realize I'm just not very in touch with my feelings as I thought. I DID A so I've enlisted better helps help again working on my mental health with them has ensured me that I'm not alone in this they offer online. Counseling with professional credible and compassionate therapists in a safe and private environment. Their counselors specialize in depression relationships, trauma, and many other areas with three thousand US licensed professionals across all fifty states they make it easier than ever to find help in fact. So many people have been using better help that they're recruiting additional counselors in all fifty states and now dateable listeners. Only you get ten percent off your first month with the code. dateable yes. Started today by going to better help dot com slash dateable join over one million people taking charge of their mental health. So again, that's better help dot com slash dateable and use the code Dat AB L.. E. For ten percent off your first month. Okay. Ready for this episode Alabama. The little things you can do to become a good partner not just a good boyfriend but a good partner so take away song. You know what I love about this show other than the fact that we do the show is the fact that we talk about observations, the modern dating, but we also talk about ways of dating better and smarter and I I love that we don't talk from a place of like Oh everybody knows their shit. It's more like we're all sharing the crowd sourcing ways of dating better which makes me feel really good about the vice. For sure hundred percent. Agree. So the topic we want to talk about today with our guests Assam is how to be a good boyfriend by doing the little things. ooh. So he lives in San Francisco. He's been here for ten years originally from Indiana he's in his late thirties single and actively going on dates. So he says this, he's like I'm a hopeless romantic looking. Sweet girl off her feet just trying to find the right partner to share in life aventures so much that he created a boyfriend manual which focuses on doing the little things to make a girl happy things guys just aren't naturally wire to do yet are so easy and impactful in making a woman feel loved. This is exactly how my boyfriend talks about cooking with me. Like, you don't need to make these like amazing dishes in. You know when we cook because I don't really cook in the quarantine has forced me to really like Cook together pandemic to force you to learn how to cook every seriously and I'm enjoying it. But what learn like one little dish it's a little dishes and then you can build up from there. So I think it's similar in this way I mean first of all, why do you think the little things matter and what are these little things that you are talking about happy to share? In whole point is I think they're a bunch of little things that that guys can do. That can actually make them a better boyfriend and it's it's just things that guys aren't naturally trained to it. Just we're not our brains aren't wired that way I can figure this out. It's not like I was studying this or anything I just kinda realized in dating in my early in mid twenties disturbed certain things I was. Doing. That had really good effects and certain things that weren't weren't that impeccable and I'm gonNA reference a book that's pretty well known from ours women from Venus. One of the key things there is guys to do grand gestures frequently and women not all women but some women may be a majority of women. would prefer more constant gestures I mean. Yeah. If you could have a grand gesture everyday shirt, we'd love them. I think that book was talking about the fact that a lot of women want the feeling just to know that there are always loved and waste doing gestures that aren't as frequent. You don't necessarily know that. So I think I, was just doing these little things and my girlfriend at the time new I could see reaction on her when I would do these little things and she just wanted to have that feeling of knowing that like my boyfriend is constantly in love with me. So grand gestures versus little things can be relative depending on who you're talking to. You talk about the little things what are you talking about just something small that smile on her? Face example Yeah. Sometimes, I'll drop a note in in a girl's purse that she like randomly see like later in the week or maybe maybe two weeks later and I'm not gonNA describe the contents of the notes that varies per person. But the whole point is there's a great line from a movie. The best gift is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time doesn't even matter what the gift is right.

00:25:03 - 00:30:01

So just just to see you know grab that come across into know that Oh my guy is thinking about me in this way you told me one when we talked about this about the towel yeah. Can talk about that. It's more advanced move but. Actually Ray. These are so basic. So So yeah, my girlfriend go take a shower was a chilly day. I would grab a towel and throw it in the dryer. This is assuming you have one. In your unit because if you have to leave the house especially during quarantine really doesn't make sense. But the swimming you have washer dryer in units drier in there and then I heard the water turnoff I grabbed the towel and handed tour White House three seconds round trip for me to go grab the put in there in the low investment. Returns exactly I love. Okay. So I'm not obviously I would love to get the random note to for sure not saying that I wouldn't but I feel like that second want is like totally not cliche and expected at all yet I mean like it's such like one of those things like Oh my God he really thought about me for a second yeah I think that's what it is is when you realize you occupy someone's mind we at least expected that's win. The actions are more impactful way don't want to hear more there. What's another events move? On to be honest I it, it varies person that's the thing. Same. With gift giving there's no standard formula. Right is just paying attention and putting putting a little bit of thought I think that goes a long way. As as you said, it's just knowing that you've you are occupying a guy's head space hopefully in a good way what are some? I mean Julie I feel like you've given an example of you doing little things for your ex by bring him coffee and he was just so appreciative. Of A Bagel yeah a Bagel well, my ex actually recently did something else that I really liked when I was in the other room he left a voice memos on Alexa just saying like I love you that's Q. This is where it got funny is like he thought it would send a text message to me but then it just started to like occupied Alexa and turn the whole thing yellow I don't know if anyone's I've never I've never gone into place on. Alexa. Before because I live by myself. So why would I be leaving myself voice memos and it just started like spiraling yellow like stop over got its possess because I. Walked in and I heard him leaving the message. I think. I like eventually how to Unplug Alexa like something's wrong with. I googled it was like this. Do you have a new message and then I listened to the message and that's what we heard the messages like we were together. He left the messages, but it was really cute sentiment. I thought we were say was he put the message on a timer like tell all the likes to tell you he loves you six fifty now freak me out though. You're by yourself and all of a sudden the likes is like my loss to say I love. You. Well, it was actually his voice which was Kinda cool. It's better if it says voice. Yeah. It's Alexa telling you that she loves you doesn't have the same sentiment then it's generic I mean there was remember even a few years ago. There was this APP I forgot it might have been it boyfriend something, but it was essentially it's covering up for bad behavior. So basically, you pay the service, it was an APP I think it was like four dollars or something like that I don't know if it's four dollars a month. Remember the and they would send your significant other random texts in the middle of the day. Like program it, you don't have to tell it like what things to say it was just it was generic apply across the universe that just covering up for being lazy and that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm actually just trying to make things show guys easy things to do because if you look at. What you said something about Investment Zoellick I mean if you're going to think about it from Finance Times if you look at a large a grand gesture, your return on investment there isn't actually is you think it might be but on the small things, it's actually super high because the investments so low like I said, you know the towel thing it was thirty seconds of my time and the smile of put on her face and I'll be there are times where stupid it for me and it's I'm not gonna who doesn't like a warm towel. Tonight that for some people, this is just not in their repertoire. So they're like what are the little things I could possibly be doing and I would start with by saying, don't do things for the sake of doing them do it because you know your girlfriend or boyfriend likes certain things like obviously everybody loves the hot towel but I also know some guy's really hate being hot right after shower through like I can't stop sliding. So maybe that's not a great idea for them but something that's tailored towards your partner. Let's go to level one. We got super excited to jump ahead but let's go like way back to one like on par with the leaving the little notes what Other examples though that the thing I'd encourage is just in your free time i.

00:30:01 - 00:35:02

You know I I am a romantic. So I tend to think about how to make how to make someone. Happy. My biggest goal is. To make her smile and that's that's the thing that's most important to me and that's I get satisfaction from making from seeing that reaction on her face. So you know if I'm if I'm pretty into somebody either I'm falling in love with them or Mardi in love with him they had they tend to be on my mind a lot and when I come across something random on dislike. Oh, we had this this like she would appreciate this. So it's just Kind of being in that mindset I'm like, okay. Here's here's a super cheesy example I was watching I was watching the show friends I've had been a rerun I'm sure and Monica Rachel would leave themselves a little notes in the steam in the senior right and I'm just like Oh. This is something that she would appreciate. So you know if if she was showering and I'm not able to do the towel thing 'cause like let's go to work or something. Right I would sometimes leave little notes You know had my head to get a little bit of extra oil my finger so that the the note would stay in you know on the or not just that day but maybe for multiple days. ooh Ns Keno Yeah it's it's it's just getting simple ideas from other sources and just thinking out person you know for some on with would actually appreciate up a one example I can think of is I love it when my boyfriend. Wakes up the morning and makes an extra cup of coffee or team for me. So when I wake up, it's ready and it's hot that it's so easy because all he has to do is just bring on another cop a mixed my day right? Well, it makes it seem like he's not just thinking about him. He's thinking guys together. Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking of another gesture that Ua that you had I think maybe malt multiple boyfriends of yours have done this. Train them somehow I feel like you always get picked up from the airport or like given some like didn't like your current. Pick up from L. A. During Kuroda virus that was like a pretty big gesture that's like a that's a grand gesture. Yes. Yeah. That one's pretty good or at least. Queue up. Yeah. Yeah I was working. I was at I was on a company trip in La and right before the lockdowns happen and he picked me up that weekend to drive me back while that's a pretty good one that I. Also, didn't he also buy groceries two wins he wins a lot. So our first, the first month that we were together I took a trip and when I came back, he picked me up from airport and he bought groceries for me knowing that I wouldn't have food in my fridge when I came back that was never happened. That was such a great. I think that's a level three. That's probably a pretty advanced but maybe that's That's an interesting example we're talking about tailoring. If you've known you well, he might have known that you actually don't really cook and it doesn't. But it. Actually, it's still went along way though is when a long way and it was like all the staples. So I definitely eight most of. It wasn't like game. Out of. said, that's true. That's true. I could be like snacks too. Didn't. You also have another ex-boyfriend like put together package Oh my gosh. Yes. So the one before this one. This this was really good to it was also, it's always like in the first few months. So don't let this die down guys just keep going but within the first few months I also took a trip. It was a pretty long trip, and before it, he took me to the airport and got me this huge like travel package for with like a travel travel brush in travel tubes and travel socks was like travel everything it was like a passport holder. It was really really thoughtful in a ton of snacks that I love. So travel often you. Center and. I don't know anyone else. That's gotten as many like travel airport related things as you interesting I don't know I feel like in some of the the men I've spoken to not just dated but outside of dating have told me that they really enjoy picking up. Yeah. From the airport because it makes them feel like they're providing also is just a it's a great way to bond literally the main reason I I still have a car because. To make. This is. Vicky, my friends visiting up for my folks revisiting I'm definitely when I had the longest girlfriend, right but anybody I think it's It's a really nice gesture. Yeah. It's what we used to do back in the day. Yeah. There's no reason why we shouldn't unless it's super inconvenient, right? Yeah. Also nothing is soup is more annoying to than getting off a long flight often forget it over you know I like having that person come in save you take you home is like it's so nice. It's such a relief. Yeah and also low investment to because I wanted to come radium.

00:35:02 - 00:40:07

It's like you gotta you gotTa leave your. House. But it's not huge. You know yeah. A gesture I did that you brought up earlier is I brought my boyfriend at the time a Bagel and like I honestly didn't even think anything of it wasn't like I should do a gesture I was just got up early. He was still sleeping I like went to get coffee I. Knew I don't know I just do he like Bagels I'm like all grab one in the was like the biggest deal. So you know what's going to really get someone I think that's what you were trying to say is it's very much knowing them in tailoring it accordingly and no gestures to small no district. Yeah, exactly. I mean like one thing you know one of my exes GM I. Loved Lemonade. It's it's my favorite drink and she made this amazing like we were long distance. So whenever I visit, she'll she'd always make squeezed lemonade but there was one time where I was in San Francisco and I was working my butt off and She knew I, had a really busy week and she had This like at the at the Don of all these food delivery services. So she had this freshly pressed juice sesame Ma and that was just A. Simple now, 'cause like everyone has the services but like this was, this is probably like seven seven years ago. That's really sweet. You know who you are if you're listening to this Oh, it's time to it. So that actually brings up an interesting question I guess the question I have is does it have to be just men because I? Think this was started as men are not really thinking about this type of behavior that often and that was kind of what you were starting with. Better boyfriend manual but we just gave examples of women doing this like what are our thoughts like gender roles here in this kind of fair game or should it be fair game for everyone? Let's take a quick break from this episode to acknowledge America's best meal kit every plate. If you're like me I am so over having to figure out what to cook for every meal only just every play take care of planning for. You it is also the best price meal kit out there. One meal is the same price as one cup of coffee and they're easy to follow pre proportion recipes come together in about thirty minutes. My most recent delivery included mouth-watering meals like, Moo Shu beef and Scallop Linguini. Now you can get three weeks of every plate meals for only two ninety, nine per meal by going to every plate dot com and entering the codes. dateable three again, get three weeks of every plate meals for only two ninety, nine per meal by going to every plate dot com and entering the Code D. H. E. A. B. l. e. the number three. Now back to the show what are our thoughts of like gender roles here in this kind of fair game or should it be fair game for everyone traditionally might fall under a little bit of gender role just because. You know the book I was quoting and that men are from Mars women of and it said that in the book it said that women tend to appreciate more frequent gestures. So maybe disposed into generals the way you traditionally think about him but the way we think about gender roles now is shifting from the traditional mold. So I mean I think it works both ways. That's true that book was written a long long. But think about it more modern version of that the the five love languages, right. So I think, it's like you know one of you mentioned acts of service and that's one of the leveling we just and I think it's just understanding what your partner likes. 'cause we often tend to given the way that we like to receive man that's one of the whole points of Bhai Blob languages. So if you just get understanding what it is that the your partner in how they like to receive love than if that's just on. Your head, you naturally will come up with these little things I. also feel like if you're in a loving relationship, you'll naturally want to do these things for each other. So it's not so much like tit for tat it's not like Oh i did some you do something back I think even in your situation facade, you'd want a simple appreciation a smile. Kinda. Like a gesture of dislike even thinking about me I really appreciate it and that's enough For you. So I think it could. It doesn't even have to be a little thing physical thing that you do. It could just be verbal appreciation to right? I. Totally Agree I was going to say actually something similar to the love languages. I don't think this gentleman agnostic whatsoever. I. Think it really depends on like how people like to receive love and I think what makes I've been trying to wrestle with like why I like these little little. Things better than the grand gesture. I. Think for me I'm not a huge gifts person that's like probably the lowest of my love languages and I think sometimes grand gesture granted if someone was like, I'm GonNa pay for all expenses trip to somewhere I'd probably be super excited like you know just like I. Guess that that to me for whatever reason doesn't count a grand gesture I don't know why. But that's my own chat but I think I think. On I'm trying to say long winded Louis is I think like with the small things like it can be acts of service like you're doing something for someone, but it also hits words of affirmation like you're saying if you're leaving little notes round or you're saying I, love you through Amazon Alexa or leaving.

00:40:07 - 00:45:00

Notes on the steam win mirror like after a shower like that is also words of affirmation also so it hits multiple lovely ridges. It's just acts of service and I think even quality time I feel like there's something about like you said earlier that was like you're you know that your present in someone's mind all the time maybe even if you're not like physically together, there's something nice that you know that like the quality of time is there. And it has to be contextual. Truly right. I want to figure out a way to articulate this because I always think about your example Julia on that date with the guy has sunset underneath the Golden Gate Bridge and how that date was so memorable but the guy wasn't. I know the wrong context and I would hate for everyone to go out and do little little things or even grand gestures am not be remembered. It'd be overpowered by the gesture. So I really think tailoring the act or this gift to the person you're with that first and foremost the most important. Absolutely. If that's what they like, you know some people actually might actually prefer like if you're talking about a gift, they actually might prefer like an expensive gift over thoughts. Right and I'm not saying that's wrong or right is just some old do prefer that and other people actually prefer the thought that's put into it. You know it's not like one person is one hundred percent one way or the other you know you could probably do it makes a both right sometimes they do like nice things than other times. It's it's nice to have something that was like thought out right. I. Think that's why like again like flowers like no one's going to say that they don't enjoy getting flowers right but maybe flowers aren't as memorable as the towel, for example, because it's more generic. especially. Like an inside joke or something that is really Taylor to I think there's just like a lot of opportunity to make more of a lasting impression. Yeah. Now that I'm thinking about this, most of these do fall under acts of service or quality time and those things just take take thought. And going back to the gender role thing, I actually love the study when you think about the five love languages, do they actually split a little bit differently on on genders? I don't know. So I have a level to our intermediate that I've done for someone and I'm still really proud of it till this day, it's been like ten years I can you? Expectation. I feel like I've told this story on a previous episode but doesn't matter because I repeat myself all the time. Anyway this was in New York. I. Was really into the sky and for one of our dates like fifth or sixth date we went to this restaurant and they handed US calendars remember this Julia maybe. Keep going maybe I'll come back to the waiter handed as calendars of for 'cause it was like December so for the next year and we kind of looked at Who has calendars on their walls anymore and it's like such a waste. So when we relieving the restaurant made this joke about mailing the calendars to? Santa. 'cause it was like around Christmas time. So we put it in a mailbox and the day day after we did that I went back to the restaurant asks for another calendar in I nailed it to his work and in that calendar. I wrote a this is a return from Santa. I don't want your calendar and so when he got it when he was really surprised to huge, just like things are thinking about me, you know 'cause there was an inside joke that we had. So to me that was level too because I had to go to the restroom shows are for I, think this actually the more advanced the foul. I mean. Investment. Standpoint. I mean my stamp you enter like go somewhere physically right? That's true. Twice Yes. Yeah. I feel like this is pretty advanced. So I'll give an example and you can let you classify as to what level I love the game. So I was ex girlfriend we were actually visiting or she was visiting my parents I. Think it was my mom's birthday or something this. This lady she's originally from Minnesota's there's a brand of coffee shop out there called Caribou coffee and there happened to be one in Indianapolis I knew that we were Gonna downtown for something else and I'm like, Oh let me just take you know by their. I happen to look it up and it was it was slightly out of the way. But like you know we're we're driving. So I'm like we just Kinda like stroll by it and she got so excited like where she currently lived, which is in the South Bay didn't have any any of Caribou coffee's and I don't I'm not saying they're coffee this is not a plug for Caribou I have no. Concert. Not Younger. But. She was super executive maybe brought her a sense of The fact that she's visiting my family's home that that was the feeling that I was trying to elicit.

00:45:01 - 00:50:00

That's very sweet and it was so easy I say that's a between intermediate and advanced because you had to go somewhere yet to do some research research is pretty easy with. Google, you know what? Though a lot of people and? The real men under the bus a little on this. I feel like sometimes like. Things evenly picking dates right it's like just freaking Google or go to yelp. But for whatever reasons like what do you WanNa do and you maybe are underestimating that little research can go a long way. There's a lot of people out there that are doing nothing new kidding. There's nothing more that I, appreciate that a man just planning out a day and being. Sending me a tax saying seven thirty this is we're meeting hope this is a choice y'all like that's all I wanna hear. That's like a baby step here. Yeah. I don't need you to semi like six thousand yelp reviews and let me decide which one. decided to just tell somebody what time and I'll be picking because I generally pick up. Driving and we'll tell them like to wear certain type of do like like maybe we're going for a walk right so then I don't want her to be uncomfortable. So I'm this like bring comfy shoes not saying you have to work. Okay I. Just Thought of why you guys let me show you what level or where this falls because I'm also very mixed this grantchester small thing whatever you want to classify it as so David the. Sky was never my boyfriend, but we dated for a COUPLA a month or two, and every date we had he would come and pick me up in an uber. So he lived literally cross split like he lifted. And he would come and get me an uber every single time and it felt really chivalrous to me. But I also it just it felt like Serie to me like I felt like also we would get to the date and then we'd he'd like asked to split the chocolate for dinner whatever. And I'm like. Yeah I'm like you to spend fifty dollars on Uber and there's actually even one time. He Real. We want to go see a movie and it wasn't playing Assaf for some reason it was only Daly city, but it was literally GonNa, play an asset the next day. So he told me that he was going to dry. Riva's so I thought he was going to take his car he ended up picking me up an uber and literally was like a hundred dollar ride to daily maybe like fifty dollars I don't know exactly how much it was. I didn't see the Uber receipt, but it was not cheap. I was just like Y Y it just felt very unnecessary to me but I also think it was like I don't know it was nice. I feel bad. Saying that because it came from a good place. Yeah. You know the first time you told me that Julie I was Kinda thinking wow this guy just has his priorities, wrong? I'm you'd like it the Transporta- maybe someone told him like it's chivalrous to pick pick her up for every day. But now that I'm hearing the story for the second time, I just think that maybe got like a two thousand dollar gift certificate to Uber Christmas Win. Over. You weren't remember I. Got Credit Hanno Affiliation With Uber. And he also it's like there were times that we literally would meet in the middle of the two of our houses I'm like it doesn't I think the logical side. Dream Lead just I. Don't know like bad part drove me a little money but again like I don't. WanNa like Papa someone's knife niceness. So I would love your thoughts. What do you guys think this is a prime example of doing something for someone that's not tailored towards that. You did not go on dates with the sky and said I really prefer guy to pick me up. For dates you never said that he's doing it for himself thinking that you a benefit as well, but obviously was not tailored to you I think if you do the first time, you don't know what the person likes. Right? So I think it is is a nice gesture at least you know depending on where he's from I grew up in the Midwest and you even said that Was showburst move and people say chivalry is dead in the state agent I would say on coasts it probably is to a certain degree dead end only reason like the Midwest the south still have some strawberries. Traditions is take a little longer there to die out. So there were certain things I was brought up to do you know what's your opinion on like opening a? Door for somebody Oh, I think it's great. I think it's great I'd had women in San Francisco, who like I can do it myself and I'm like, yeah, I'm sure you're physically capable of doing it yourself I know I know that's where the blurred lines are. You know what I actually thought of a level one or a beginner? I don't even know what levels Veron anymore but. Beginner that is the by biggest pet peeves. Someone doesn't do it. It's when you're walking together and some walking ahead of you instead of them like next to you in like almost like protecting you, I've I've had it happen to me I've seen it. I've observed it on other dates. So I don't know maybe this isn't even Mike.

00:50:01 - 00:55:01

Might. Be like one of those pre ones again like looking things up on Google yelp but maybe the bar is set so low. Maybe, that's common sense to some of us, but not common sense to I've also heard from some women that they get bothered when the guy doesn't walk on the outside of them. Right I thought that's what you're gonNA say 'cause that Gag if you're talking about the traditional mode of like being protector than. Close to the street side because my body can take getting hit by a car and have been yours or not or you know if if if you if there's a puddle. You're backing her from being splashed by the puddle I thought that's what we're going to go I've never occurred of somebody walking unless like maybe if you're in a rush and let's go and then maybe I'll lead a little bit more like yeah. But on a regular basis, it sounds sounds odd I've had it happen to be an I've observed it of other people I would hate that I would just feel so alone like they're leaving me in the dust i. Like at a restaurant with one of my best friends and we saw this guy that she just like, Hey, did like I think I'd over member think she like a friend of Hers David Hammer something he was only new girl and they left the restaurant and she's like that fucker he. A for like. You know it's just like it was just something that we both noticed. There was like one of the first instincts I was just thinking about when a guy does walk in front thinking about the underlying reason for that he is probably focused on something in his head and not even thinking about the girl. Right, yes not to get political but like look at the way, the OBAMAS would walk together. Way that the trump's one you know he just gets out of the car and he's like going you know doesn't wait he being a trumpeter himself. To wait for Malania to come out he's he's obviously a slightly self-focused say. Honestly, that could be a sign that like okay is is the guy is the centered person if he's walking ahead like that I would venture to say he probably has more self centered than I would want someone to be. No I think that's exactly what all of this is. Right. It's like little things that can show someone that you are an equal to them that you care about them and when you don't do stuff like this and you do opposites, it has those reprecussions and feelings. You know what? Though I think it's the little things for some reason I mean, we can definitely talk about grand gestures because I would love. To know if either one of you who have either given or God and a grand gesture, but I can't even link think of one off the top of my mind yet, I can think of a bunch of the little things. So I'm wondering if one I've never got a grand gesture or to the little things, do actually stick out more because they're more unexpected. Well, if you go back to this financial. Analogy again about the investment. I remember I had a friend in college right after college who's dating this girl that he was really into and every few weeks like two or three weeks he would do something really grand a year Maher a diamond necklace on their throw while he told her, he loved her and gave her this giant Norma's Patrick Doll member this it's like a normal dog from. FAO Schwarz that's no longer in business I. DO remember that. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about. It's like the size of a human you're in it. It's like a two hundred dollar dollar whatever stuffed animal. So he gave that to her on their one month anniversary, and then on their second month anniversary, he took her on a trip to Hawaii and I was like where you go from here. Where do you? What are you going to get her a one year like a jet plane like what's happening here and he wasn't rusher it's a lot of pressure and he felt this is the thing with grand gestures and I'm not trying to dismiss or undermine all grand gestures but to him, he felt like he needed to do these things because she was out of his league when they weren't actually from his heart, there were actually out of fear and insecurity. So in the end it. Kind of back it's a mask and backlash because a relationship only lasted six months because she was just kind of like, why are you doing so many things for me like what how are we supposed to have a real relationship? If you just keep on adding on these Games sometimes the grand gesture this feeling like that someone did something wrong and that's why they're doing a grand gesture to sells out of it. I think there's something about the little things that just make it feel more like. Through your relationship opposed to something so big that you're wondering why they're doing it like it could be that they did something wrong or like you said with your friend like what is up with this person? Does he not feel like we're equals or whatever it is that he keeps doing this type stuff it's interesting what you said about the doing covering up something wrong because I hadn't really thought about that way. But now I'm wondering, did you do something wrong recently? because. Say this because the last time I heard that like one time. So one of my friends from college she had had a baby I was I got some flowers and I was taking them to.

00:55:01 - 01:00:01

Seeing her after her baby and some guy in the street sobbing flowers like you up. I was I was carrying I was giving the flowers I mean he didn't know who has given to. Right. So he assumed I was giving him to a significant other but the first thought in his head was that you up that's why you're giving flowers. So maybe that is the way that some guys and Gals do think right? They do use gifts as a way of covering up steak but we'll we are really talking about here is an act of service. So it's not so much gift giving it's not material. It's just an act of I. Love You. I'm thinking about you and why these little acts of service build up over time to give you really high returns and also like we said, they're just commitment they really don't consume too much of your time and your girlfriend or boyfriend could really appreciate them by the way. I also WanNa talk about your grand gestures and you're you weren't sure whether you've gotten when I'm sure you have. It's unfortunate that that it's not like sticking your head Brian that might be the point. There is one that for me, it was a grand gesture that someone did for me and it was It wasn't the actual item it was a gift, but it was the amount of effort that went into that. So it was we walked into a store one time and I saw this suit that was amazing. really loved it but they didn't have my size and I haven't checked like four or five stories in in town, and they didn't have it and but she somehow took a picture of the of the of the tag she ended up calling forty or fifty stores across the country. Bat Me, and got me the suit. It's a suit I still wear. And yet it wasn't about the it was just for me when I think about it's just the effort that she went to. That's that's definitely not a small gesture. That's large gesture. You know what I think. It is the definition of grand gesture like I wouldn't have thought that when I think of grand gesture I think of like someone caught here. A night like an armored. Slang. You what I took somebody on a hot air balloon ride on a person. is a Grad gallic something like not undermine what she did I. think that's amazing. But that to me falls under more of the small gesture like even though it's it does require effort I. Guess it's just maybe it's a personal definition thing like how we couldn't classified these into Lome one level to up level three versus beginner advanced like I. Think maybe people have different views of what's a grand gesture versus what's kind of an act of service and small thing of kindness like for me I. Think of a grand gesture is like something that's like. Back I don't know what I think that would talk soon. Yeah. Like outside your window. Yeah I just think of like I don't know why I don't know even flowers like I don't think of that as a grand gesture I think of that is like a nice thing to do for someone. What about being outside your window holding a Blue French Horn Oh hell I bet your mother reference. I would say that's a pretty grand gesture. You could go to jail for it. Yeah. I mean all your neighbors can here Ted Moose on how I met. Your mother was full of Grantchester is like. He also did the little things like there were things like number that date he did for Stella where she only had five minutes. Yeah. Like their first date and he he mixed all these little things. You're not a cab picker up and take her you know twenty feet. Cute. But then I think it's you willing your audience. Again, it is this really grand gesture. For Robin, while we're going down, this rabbit hole is he had like an orchestra roses all over her apartment remember this and she was so turned off by it. It really just again goes back to like what's going to resonate with that person. Yeah. True. So if there is no formula. Unfortunately I think people might have been expecting a formula but if there isn't one, how can people start to like train themselves to be aware of what their partner is looking for? When is too early to start doing this like how can they are taking these small beginner steps? Hang attention. It's like there's a little bit of emotional intelligence in involved. There's doesn't if that doesn't naturally come I, would say get into the habit of spending one day thinking about something that your loved one likes to get yourself out of your own head and. Sixty seconds force yourself to do that. that. Think about what did I observe today in my life that she she he or she would like or what I observe in the time that I was with him or her that she really liked A mental notes. But if you're if it doesn't actually come to you, it's it's like it's developing habit like any other habit. Put It on, put it on schedule force yourself to do it for sixty seconds sixty seconds. That's not a big time whatever to know what I'm saying that's not a big time commitment of saying breakfast can really enjoy like that's very easily attainable. Than doing physical therapy or working out just getting into a habit of.

01:00:01 - 01:05:10

Forcing yourself out of your your normal habits to to do it, and it's just people don't necessarily think about these things. But like like I said doing that for a minute a day is definitely a worthwhile investment for you and enter the person that you're you up. But I also like what you said is I can almost hear some of our listeners saying you know it's just not who I am to. Gestures I'm not wired to do it. I would say one everyone's wire to do this. But to get out of your hat because it's not about you, a relationship is about you and the other person. So what have you removed yourself from the equation and thought about what is it? That would make my partner happy and that would motivate you to do some of these little things that we're talking about. So I've had a couple of guys they're married they have said I don't put this out there. It's It's so hard. They said I wouldn't I'm not why to do that. I would never do those things and I'm like if you love somebody, how can you not give them thirty seconds you? Why. You even within that person if you can't think about them for seconds exactly and then when it's too early to start thinking about this stuff comes on how much you like that person. If you don't like that person if you are not compelled to do that, then you should maybe question do I. Why am I with this person? What else is in this boyfriend manual? I'm very curious oh there's more I got a lot of it down writing. There's other topics beyond just the small things. It's like others section on like I dated somebody who's really into purses and bags when I was younger I maybe even today I still don't understand what the fascination, but it's not about what makes me happy it's what makes her happy like exactly she's fine. With a thirty two inch TV versus I want like a sixty, five inch. Yamane who am I to judge what makes her happy? Yeah it was. It was eye-opening to me when I was like again, it shouldn't matter what I think of it. Not GonNa self centered but it's just like actually thinking about things from the other person's perspective. My Mom will always say you can't expect other people to think like you. Yeah. I will say probably the easiest thing to do in the world. If you're having a fight or you're bringing up a criticism of somebody or you know you're about to get into an argument or you're in the middle of an argument, start off by saying Babe. I, love you and then go into what you're GONNA say super easy simple. But that way the person knows that you're not like attacking them. You're saying it from a place because you care that's why you're telling him these things, right? That goes so far is. That the person loves you and then it just sets up a debate as opposed to fight or even Pfizer find too. But it just it sets the context in a good place ya greatly say it if you really do. Love Them. For us I'm here saying. Takeaways because I feel like there's a lot that we can learn from this conversation because. That is what it is when you are when you're so into something, you just feel you just naturally want to do these things ask your partner what something that you did recently that made them. Happy. Sometimes, we don't know. So maybe start opening the conversation maybe your partner tells you something really surprising like I really loved it. When you put ice cubes in my tonic water, you could be a really small thing but it made her happy and once you kind of know what makes her happy it's like a drug you get addicted to making someone happy and that's How it all starts. That's a really good point too because even if you don't have a history with them, you can say like, how did someone else make you happier like what's been making you happy lately in the new start to gleam into their personality of like what their love languages or even just like having the conversation about love languages I think. So much of this conversation was really being attuned to how others perceive love, and then how you can give in match how they receive even if it's not necessarily your love language by defaults which your takeaway Julie. And I said it. Yeah. Definitely. What I think my other one is that it's easy to make excuses that were dislike not wired this way it's not natural like the time. Yeah, and like you said it takes what like thirty seconds to write a note or like you can train yourself to just think about like what does makes this person happy like it's not big time commitments and I think that actually might help people make these gestures if like they're the type of person that just doesn't do it maybe the grand gesture something big is too overwhelming. So having these Attainable ones. Maybe this is a path to get them on the grand gesture right or at least do something that makes them in their partner feel comfortable because I think like to you a your story earlier like you also don't want to burn out and you don't want it to feel forced on either party. So it's a line of doing something that sustainable that's natural feels good versus feeling with you have to do it and I think that's the mindset shift that needs to happen. Yeah and if you feel like you have to do it, what did you do wrong? What are you trying to make up for? It and if it feels forced for me and I hadn't really thought about this before something I said I think five minutes ago it was if you can't get yourself to invest a minute or two time than like, you should probably question why with others.

01:05:11 - 01:10:07

And there's a great. This is an ex girlfriend of mine. I want I towel for but she has a great quote that said love is like a Fart if you have to force it, it's probably shit. Wow mic drop. Right there were. Rumored. In Basan. How many times have you done the move? Out You. Move a number of people or how many times have I done at number of people under people. Prefer any. Significant. The like long term relationships. Okay. Okay. And have they all the same reaction to it. WHO DOESN'T I? Mean I do that for my nephew. When we were giving them doing bath time I would just going throws towel on a in the in the Dryer Dryer. Yeah. I mean who doesn't of that? Okay. You just remind you reminded me of Wad last Ted Bose. Be Comment for how I met your mother. 'cause I've ever he did this grand gesture for Robin again the he likes setup she was like really sat around the holidays and he set up Christmas lights that went to a song in just like this big thing in their living room and I. Remember. Marshall has best friend was like would you do that for me? Of course you do that for me and I think that is something to think about is with grant with small gestures grand gestures like when it feels for says when you're trying to get out of it if it's something that's just in your nature and you would do it for a friend you do it for like a family member like it isn't necessarily someone that you're getting something back from right in a romantic relationship that's when it feels authentic. Get these like achey feelings of like, why is this person doing this and this feels like not feels forced right? So everyone has different levels like I think people are just more natural like acts of service people might feel more inclined to do the stuff for everyone in their lives, but maybe lake to kind of ease up to romantic relationships. Especially, if you're not in one right now, maybe you can just look at the other people in your lives and. Start to practice in like say like are there ways I can make their life better and just start with these small gestures in all aspects of your love life that aren't necessarily tied to in outcome yet now, all this is assuming that someone is not narcissistic they're not self overly self. You. Know we're we're in a society right now where more and more people are becoming self centered. If they care about themselves, it's hard to get them to to switch. So you know this this this isn't going to apply hundred percent of the population. Unfortunately, if you've listened this whole episode from the beginning to the end than you probably care you care and I think that's why we wanted you on episode is because there's all. This all this conversation out there just like men being shit and like all the stuff and it's like, no, let's hear from some men out there. That really are just trying to like make their partner happy and again like we set doesn't have to be men but there is this really great quote that we put up on instagram that I wanna like end with that I think is so funny that we got a very. Large. Response from so someone tweeted, they said it's twenty twenty. The fuck boys are no longer thriving in the it was a text thread and it was basically from fuck boy Daniel. That's who was from said. Hey. Stranger wink deface in an her response was laugh out loud Daniel. You're going to have to be more creative than that. I had a video hinged the other night and he literally serenaded me with his guitar while I ate yeah edge. They become that we thought. was going to end Bro Culture but I think I think rotavirus is helping us kind of. These gestures, small or large. That's right. That's right and he needs to read the boyfriend manual. Just curious. Do you have? Is this an actual published manual like Kasama download the pdf somewhere at night never got around to like I, never got around to finishing it. It was going to be a website and I do own those domains. Like the original intention was for it to be like boyfriend manual and girlfriend manual, and you go there to see to get advice also give advice for the opposite sex. I be a ecosystem that's that's self sustaining. So I don't have to generate all the content but I just I've got a lot of other entrepreneur projects. What are you doing with your quarantine town? Let's get the start at your. He got the domains. Serving in new business there when I got my day job and then there's something where my dad and I working on a vaccine delivery system for corona virus. Okay Fine Yep. Yep Well, not win. You're done delivering vaccines maybe can work on this website and will be fully behind you if you want some content contributors but in the meantime in the meantime having your mind no way you're manuals about so you can put it down in writing eventually.

01:10:07 - 01:12:26

Yeah. In Our facebook group someone posted about like an how to date me manual which I think is good because it helps people like sulphur flag. Maybe if you're in a partnership, it could be like how can I date this person and you're coming added as creating your own boyfriend manual. So it doesn't need to be like something that you download, and again what we've learned from this episode, is it all really works a lot better when it's custom-tailored. anyways. So really just like everyone can create their own manual. Cool. All right I think we can wrap this up. We have a lot of great tidbits for everyone instinct positive in also just getting out of our own minds and just start thinking about other people. That's like the main takeaway happier for you so much for some for all your time in Tel telling us about your boyfriend manual parts of it just. teaser. A home the full manual before I, Ki- Emmanuel. I'm still love the levels beginner beginner moves table can do. On, that no, I'm going to say listeners we love you I, mean it and we request that if you could possibly leave us a review on apple podcasts that would mean the whole world to us because we love you thing let us know your small gestures. I think everyone has a bunch of their sleep. So let's let's hear from other people out there. Let's do it wrapping this up stay the ball. The dateable podcast is part of the FROLIC podcast network. Five more podcasts you'll love at frolic dot media slash podcasts want to continue the conversation I. Follow us on Instagram facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcast tag any post with a Hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those post. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com there you'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium y series. We're we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums for also downloadable for free on spotify apple podcast Google, play cast stitcher radio, and other podcasts platforms your feedback as. To us so don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.