Let's be honest: looks matter when it comes to dating. Whether it's on a dating app or the first time you meet IRL, we're chatting with makeover expert Kimmy Seltzer about the small tweaks you can make today to show up as your best self. We discuss how both women AND men can dress for your body shape/height, the photos that need to be added (and eliminated) from your dating profile, and why these small changes can help build confidence from the outside, in.
Follow Kimmy at @kimmyseltzer and listen to the Charisma Quotient on Apple Podcasts or your other favorite podcast players
Thank you to our partners for this episode:
BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month of online therapy at betterhelp.com/dateable with the code DATEABLE.
This episode is brought to you by Kensington’s newest title from Kerrelyn Sparks, THE SIREN AND THE DEEP BLUE SEA. You can find THE SIREN AND THE DEEP BLUE SEA wherever books are sold. Find out more at kensingtonbooks.com
S11E7: Hacks to Looking your Best
00:00:00 - 00:05:05
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of datable a show all about modern dating when we dig into the whys of people's behavior, especially when it comes to their Love Lives. Why do people do the things that they do Julie? Do you have all the answers? No, I no choice. I did. I mean I have all of the answers is what I meant to say, but you know, it's I I think it's funny when I hang out with my single friends just because I'm not single Feel like I should have all the answers also because we have a dating podcast. So a lot of the times they're like come on, you know, what's happening? Like tell me the truth like no, I I'm not a psychic I could not tell you what's going on in people's minds that reminds me of Liza Schlessinger is comedy. She's like there's the secret road on the sun just like if I knew the secret I wouldn't have waged a 35 to get married, you know, the fact is nobody has answers even the people who are dating experts even the people who are really good at dating. They don't have the answers. Everyone's so different. You cannot read people's minds but at least on this show we try to get down to the bottom of why people do the things they do. All you can do is control your own mindset and be aware of the different ways that people think about things and have conversations. I think that's really ultimately it like when people always write in it's not just suck. I guess I've heard this on other podcasts when you write in like the long-winded question. It's like have you talked to your partner first you talk to that person in question that's usually going to solve like 80% and I also want to bring up. I just want to call out some of our YouTube commenters cuz I knew this would happen. So what hat we migrated are datable YouTube account to my boss old asmus single fight account, which was dating advice for men. I had a lot of young men watching my channel and I knew we would get comments. That would be women-hating were guys who were very down about dating and I want to call out some of these comments. I'm not going to like, we're not going to answer all of them one by one, but if you really want to enjoy your love life and your whole life, you cannot blame other people those comments are counterproductive saying, oh why women suck like what is women's value to this world? Like why do you even need to comment if yep? So the negative thoughts you have in your head. I rather have you not be a subscriber. I rather have you not comment and common where else someone else someone else's Channel who may actually want to have a conversation with you. I just think in dating we have to stop blaming other people. We can only control our own actions and we're all guilty of doing something not great in dating. So let's spend that time correct our own behaviour. So what was it that someone one of your friends asked you expecting you to have like the crystal ball? Oh my gosh, just the whole the whole He someone I'm dating says this to me and I'm doesn't make me feel good. Do you think he's saying it to me because he really means it or do you think he's saying it to me because he wants attention. I don't know. I feel like I've never met the guy in my life. I'm not dating your partner. Like how would I know go? Ask him? You're the one who sees him all the time. Like, I don't know. Do you want me to text him off? I don't have a crystal ball in front of me. It's just too I get it. I think also I would say this about women is a lot of times we ask for advice when we just want to vent. Yeah for sure. You know, I think she took event but it's packaged in a way of asking for advice. So this is my advice to all the women out there. If you want to vent just say you want to vent and as a girlfriend to all the women out there who want to vent it is also my responsibility to always ask. Okay before I give you my opinion are you looking for advice or are you looking to vent your right? Like let's decipher that it's to Vamp it all thoughts of allegation. I think that's how the reason I mean. I've done it before I'm not going to play innocent here. Sometimes you just want your friend or someone to like, you know, take your side on it. So I do get the flipside wage. Using it as to vent your friends and you know people talk on our Facebook group. I actually think talking to people that are a little more removed is actually better because the problem when you venture off of friends is you usually don't share all the good things cuz then they comes off as like bragging and it's weird.
00:05:05 - 00:10:06
So then your friends only hear the negative and then if you do pursue this relationship, they have a really weird Vision. I know that's happened to me with friends, like people vent invent and you meet their partner or you have met their partner and you know their partner and you're just like is this a healthy relationship cuz you only hear one side of it. So I think that is something that I've learned over the years of like there's a thin line of like sharing stuff with your friends and bonding then also necessarily like disclosing every last dirty detail about your relationship opposed to like just working it through with the person in the relationship. And I maybe this is a generalization. I definitely feel this song My girlfriend's now with my guy friends. It's a totally different story. So this week we've been in La we've been hanging out with my boyfriend's guy friends and at the beginning of dinner. It's very sober that everyone's in their 30s mid-to-late 30s. Everyone seems to have their shit together. We have these very mature conversations. Some of the guys are in in relationships, you know, it's like a nice nice to have these conversations with a bunch of dudes and then we head out to an outdoor bar later. And as more drinks are coming around the conversations revert back to their thirteen year old self. And I think a lot of guys are guilty of this when they get into this group situation. Our dinner conversation was all about future thinking how to change the world. Like what our purpose is in life and all of a sudden we're at the bar and one of the guys is like yeah, I smashed that like under his breath and I don't even know who he's talking about. He's literally just like it's directing his words as some wrong. Girl across the bed. He's like, yeah, I smashed that like, excuse me. What grade are we in now? Why why are you reverting back? It's so interesting cuz I feel like I mean not to generalize but we were just saying it's like women don't want to brag about their partner relationship. It's in a manner like the opposite like they don't vent but they hope you like I did this I did this. Yeah. Yeah, if you could check list of all the things they've been so good at but this is also like kind of a great way to frame our would you rather this week? So would you rather one that was in your love life? Would you rather be known as the romantic or the realest hm and I think it's again. It's like how you interpret this question, but I I purposely wrote this question as how do you want to be perceived? Not what you really just say interesting. So now that I can clarify the question Julie, what would be your answer to this page? Is tough cuz I definitely am the Romantic for sure you a you know that I feel like I was actually just with our friend Louise and helps us with some of the podcast stuff to I was just talking to her in a park about this and I feel like I'm always the one that's like why can't like we move mountains to make this work. Like I'm not the realest at all. Like I've always with people that are much more realistic and then like if you actually look at like what they're saying, it's totally valid and I'm probably like living in a fantasy, but I don't think I would trade that because I do think at the end of the day I do think maybe this is my romantic side coming out but I do believe if two people really will do what it takes to make it work. You can make it work. Like there are always going to be barrier and I get that some barriers are bigger than others. I'm not trying to like undermine that there are certain things that are harder to overcome than others, but I think a lot of it comes down again to your mindset wage. Is this Ur priority? Is this something that you can have like a growth mindset on or do you feel like it's going to like hinder it? Yeah, I mean maybe I get hurt more because I'm the Romantic but I think I would not trade it. What about you? I'm happy that you are sticking to your romantic side because I do think like in order to be in a really healthy relationship. You need to have a nice balance of both but today's world with how we approach dating too many people are a little too much of a realist and when two people are too realistic about things that could happen. Then the relationship will never push forth cuz let's be honest if you're being realistic, you're like actually there's a 50% chance of us working out. Right? Right, right. You need the Romantic in the relationship to give it hope and to give it this day push to move forward. So I'm glad you're sticking to your guns personally for me. I think I'm too much of a realist. All of my boyfriend's have said I'm too direct and it hurts our feelings and I tend to date sensitive men dead. And one good example is my boyfriend's been working out. He's gaining a little bit muscle and he just wants a little bit of acknowledgement and it's so hard for me to say babe. U look good. You're gaining muscle instead. I'm like, oh you definitely don't have the genes to be super buff for guy.
00:10:06 - 00:15:09
You're doing the best you can and that is the Asian tiger off to me that will always give you that be minus like you're going to get above a B minus right in my eyes, even though in my in my mind I want that's such a compliment. So when you and gives you a compliment, you know that like you really deserve that compliment. Yeah, or I'm really drunk because I do not give compliments at all, but I need to be more of a romantic cuz I realized we all need that. Yeah that Whimsical side we need to believe in something otherwise and like why are we getting into relationships? Otherwise you would like actually all the statistics? Are proving that I should be alone or crew get a relationship downside though, and I'm like literally just regurgitating a conversation. I just had so this is just ironic but I think this comes up a guy is like I feel like it sets you up though for failure. Sometimes when you're romantic because like I definitely have this like love conquers all mentality and it's just not realistic sometimes like for example when my boyfriend got deported or I would say got deported. It's much more dramatic know he basically just lost his Visa, but we'll go with the divorce story supported. That's more of a storyline exactly the movie Dil Manta sized version of myself. He was thrown out of this country. But no, but I think like in that situation, he was very realistic like he's like the odds of me getting a Visa the odds of this working when we're like in different time zones, but I was like we could make it work, you know like a birthday. Feel that it's it's a positive and a negative at the same time. Well, I think you can be a romantic in the how you're being perceived but realistic in your approach, I would want my partner to consider me romantic. But in order to save my own heart, I I can still have a very realistic approach. So that might be the part that I want to change if we're going to talk about change cuz I think I also tend one of my patterns that I need to break. Is that you a you and I are very different this way. Like I feel like when you're done with someone that you're dial done and I linger forever like I don't ever break up with anyone. I mean like I do but like they're always still in my life to some capacity and I actually funny that had someone new reappear this week. So oh hey, oh don't leave us hanging who this was the weird situation of this guy that I met on hinge that I never actually met Jim. Real life, but we continue to talk from London, but we have been back chatting. And did he reach out? I guess it was like, you know covid-19 and you know, it's all like Bauer things going over there like usual line and now it's progressed. It might have got a little Stevie this week. So I won't say anything more. How can you not say any more you you basically he said he reached back out to talk about covet and then it got to me. I don't know how you can talk about kovats and then from there, I'm sorry covid-19 on over there. How many deaths have you had? What are you wearing wage out of that conversation exactly the convent the fuk know it just it just transition, you know, you just need the covid-19 tree point and then you can turn the virtual sex on T just wasn't it wasn't video as more just texting type combos, but you know, it's not a viable Prospect for me the Romantic version of myself understands and someone I've never a name. Really bad that lives across the world is probably not the right fit but that being said what else am I doing right now over and you know, you gotta take it for what it is. Yeah, but that's all off the a very realistic way of looking at this and maybe I have I have turned a bridge maybe I am a little more realistic that I think there is a point that I was to okay. This was this has gone down a little outside of what we were saying, I guess what I was originally saying is I tend to keep people around like past exes of mine like my last ex. I we broke up got back together like multiple times and there's a point where that's not healthy but I think the Romantic side of me thinks that there's like a story that's going to play out a certain way. It's like a fairy tale life for sure love conquers all that. It will end in the way that it's supposed to be with us together, but that's just not always realistic. So it gets in your way of meeting new people is what I'm trying to say in a long-winded way. Well, it's your job. Way of putting in a narrative when a narrative has not started yet. Yeah, it's creating guilty a narrative that may not actually be the narrative. You should be following in life. Basically right off, right? Cuz you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Yeah, so I don't know I think you could argue pros and cons of both the realist and the Romantic I think it's probably striking the balance.
00:15:09 - 00:20:07
Like maybe I'm turning a point like you just said is I still have the Romantic side but I also can be like, okay. This is take it for what it is. It's a fun thing to do during covid-19. Any heart breaks and I think about that quite a bit cuz I I believe romance is a religion and you subscribe to it and you believe in it and you stick with it. And even though some things are unexplainable and it could break your heart. But if you truly believe in it, that's a goal in a self and I think you can fulfill that even without a partner. Yeah. I mean, I guess it's it's how do you want to tell your life story about you know, like if if we're truly not defining relationship success and longitude faty. Maybe it is okay to have like a romantic spin that you've learned and loved and lost and all this versus like oh just a failure at relationships. Like that's not going to really help you either. So so this is very much in line with the results of the the survey of what you rather fifty 1% said that their romantic 49% said that they're realist which really is just fifty 50% Well, I think people identify with both and there was no Club Winter but I also saw a lot of people were flip-flopping back and forth on our Facebook page cuz they're like, well I am this but I want to be perceived as this and I think that's a really tough to take away here is what are you currently today? Where are you trying to get to that or the take-away is how do you add balance in? I think that's really what it is because neither one is right or wrong if you're generally like in the sky all the time you're removed from reality, which is not great either. So yeah. Well, thank you and I are complete opposites with this journey. I'm too realistic. It works off your your romantic. You're trying to get more realistic and this goes into our conversation today with Kimmy because Kenny is all about she's an image consultant but she's always a also long like how you feel about yourself. You can also show that externally and I struggle with this too because I'm so much of a realist that when I go on dates, I dress literally in English. You're aware cuz to me, I'm like, oh if we're walking around I want to be comfortable. I want to make sure I don't wear a romper or onesie cuz how do i p you know, I think about like the very practical things interests. But if I thought the Romantic side come out, then I should put in more effort cuz it also shows my date that I'm putting in the effort. I would also value that date more if I put in more effort. So that's what I need to worry. I never thought about this way, but be pretty covid-19 going to talk about dating and Co because let's be honest. No one's wearing dresses right now on dates, but pre covid-19. You're not going to the gym together. You're not like hiking together, which is normally how I am dressed. But I would also say you say you just said nobody's wearing dresses during covid-19. Gauging it. So I feel like maybe now people will dress up a little on dates again. And also like now you can go to a restaurant when we first did socially distanced dates if you were going on like a hike or a park or not going to say that I would never say in a park-like address, you know happen, but I've seen people do it and it looks very instagram-worthy.
00:20:07 - 00:25:09
It looks awesome. That's true. But she was just trying I mean that's what we've learned from this episode. I'm I'm so excited about this episode cuz I admit I was a little skeptical when I first like read the description of it and like we were talking about this topic like the the outside in cuz I feel like we always here right like you gotta get yourself in order first, but that being said, I think there's so many valid points in this episode and argh to me who is amazing. I actually she did make over with me. So I saw makeover you have first-hand this entire process. I'll give a little more Insider to that. We actually have a little video clip to log. Putting on social so you can see the whole thing go down, but I think the part was that I thought like oh, you know like when you hear about like looks like looks and dating is a loaded subject took one's going to deny that looks matter but I think it's like people can get easily offended. Right? Cuz if you don't fit whatever stereotype people think are like the attractive molds, it's really difficult. But what's Jimmy never talks about that? It's all about like, how do you look the best for you? And like how do you put your best foot forward? And I think that part was amazing and then like on my virtual makeover like she literally was just like you've broad shoulders you should just be wearing v-necks you have big boobs broad shoulders exceptional your boobs the twins off she called of the twins which made me chuckle but she was basically like just own the v-necks show off the boobs a little more it also brings your shoulders in so you have more job Out like hourglass. So she was not really telling me to do any major changes. They were just tiny tweaks and like different colors and like you've even said this before like certain paint owns the Civic more fertile or like read that you know, like like there's certain psychology of colors that attract men and women and she gave tips for men to this was not solely for women. Exactly. I think this episode just like action packed with a lot of like really small tidbits that you can like apply tomorrow, which is amazing because let's be honest the inner work takes some time. So like going to maximize something at the end of the day, it's all marketing. Yeah, it have a really great cereal that you spent years perfecting and it's like vegan non-GMO, you know, like gluten-free whatever. It's like everything that everybody wants right now, but if you don't package it, right right, then nobody's going to take it off the shelf cuz they don't know anything about what's inside. So I think she makes a really good point. We we dress to our fullest potential. I guess that's that's what it is. And if you think about superheroes as soon as they put on their superhero costume they act they talk and they look like a superheroes and that's what all of us are capable of doing. I know I have this one pair of pants high-waisted wide-leg pants that whenever I wear them my friends will be like did you get taller off and I think I know the pants. Yeah. Do you know the pain cuz it's it's like Juliet get taller. It's just that I have so much positive exactly that's jurors better. Exactly and like I know me personally when I've had all like my serious relationships, I've attracted people when I felt the best about myself. Yes, and even right now like I just got a haircut two weeks ago. I feel so much better than I did two weeks ago. Like I feel so much more confident to do video dates, which I have another one coming up tonight. So keep you guys posted if there's anything yet and yet that v-neck on. Oh wow. Ironically though, you know how we talked about you asked if my the date that I've gotten so much Outreach on this one the date that did not like the podcast if I heard time and I was like no, I think it faded his ears must have been ringing cuz he literally texted me like an hour after we recorded know and when did he say he was just like, how is your week or something generic and then and I do wage point out. We actually had someone in our Facebook group make a really good comment on it and she was like listening to it. He missed a huge opportunity like even if he doesn't like the content he could have like, man said you on your conversational skills. You're like speaking ability as I butcher the word speaking, but but she was like saying how like if she dated a Sports Anchor sports package. She doesn't like sports but there's so many like good things. She could like find a compliment him. So I think I just wanted to like reiterate that not just to make myself feel better, but also just in general for life. Other people because I think that's such a good point. It's like even if you're not down with what someone's doing, there's always something that you can find in it to relate to them in a positive way and show your support. So absolutely absolutely it's all about connecting. You're never going to connect with someone on all of their interests, but you can connect with them on a personal level that goes beyond just like The Superficial interest and everything.
00:25:09 - 00:30:13
So I gave her posting that reminded me that I left him on read and forgot to respond to his message. So I did you know, I just like I've been going back and forth when I just threw the hey like I've been thinking about this long don't think it's the right fit just even though he didn't ask to hang out. I was just like I don't need to like keep dragging this on kind of and he just replied. Okay, I wouldn't say I was going to say why don't you text him the link to this episode? No words wasted here's how I really feel thank you, very do want to call out before we do quick announcements. We actually had someone on dead. Instagram give us a very important information. Thank you Natalie who reached out in relation to last week's episode. So for anyone that missed last week's episode. It was an amazing episode. We touched on like so good really important topics with interracial dating and racism in 2020 and all that's going on in the US and how that affects relationships. But before we got down to that in the intro we kind of did a piggyback on the week before which is also a good plug for that episode, but about our guests that is choosing to remain a virgin and how you a saw the virginity that box t-shirt a teen in it on a hike and Natalie Road us that this actually is apparently a big Trend started by a YouTuber that like all these teens are wearing this line of virginity rocks t-shirts that this YouTuber. I'm trying to pull up his name Danny Duncan asset twenty-seven-year-old YouTube her song Holiday Inn prankster, so apparently he wore it as a joke in his YouTube videos, but they've taken off as a line of March. So the power of March I'm off. I'm reading this New York Times interview with him right now. And he says I have sex obviously but I want people to do whatever they want to do and not be pressured into anything but he also sells practice safe sex shirts and then I knew this would be some sort of like viral some Millennial or gen Z, whatever influence our thing because think about it all we ever learned in elementary school and middle school was practice safe sex practicing sex. We thought it was so stupid cuz adults were telling us that we're like, no I'm not going to practice safe sex, but now because I'm YouTuber, where is it on his show? It's like all of a sudden cool, you know, elementary schools should hire YouTubers for like the Dare program wage. Why don't they you know, they should have these YouTubers saying like the only drug I take is aspirin or whatever like make the make it cool to be virgins and to be so often were I think that's the only way to get to younger people cuz I I will not listen to adults like when we went to safe sex sex ed sex ed classes like same-sex classes and classes. I mean don't you remember all we did after the classes were look up I don't even know how we looked up cuz there's no internet we would research what sex was a couple of pictures. That's all we it just made us more curious about side. I just think of me girls of like the gym teacher being like you will die. If you don't have cigarettes affects home like use a condom or boy fear tactics will definitely not work in that so I'm glad we got to the bottom of that. So that means if we have any younger dateable girl Is who want to rock some dateable shirts? We'd be happy to send them to you cuz obviously we'd be so cool. I need twenty-seven-year-old YouTubers want to wear a shirt that says stay dateable. Please let us know will suck some swag sounds like a plan. We got it down. Okay before we get to announcements. I just want to take a moment to think our sponsor. Our sponsor is Thor help in these unprecedented times. Some of us may be experiencing feelings that we haven't felt before so we've talked about feeling anxiety for myself or having these feelings of depression. So it's good to check in with your mental health and know that you're not alone in this because better help is here for you. They offer online counseling with professional credible and compassionate therapists in a safe a private environment their counselor specialize in everything including relationships trauma heartbreaks depression and with 3,000 us licensed professionals across fifty states. They make it easier than ever. To find help. In fact so many people have been using better help they're recruiting for additional counselors in all fifty states. Now for dateable listeners only you get 10% off your first month with the code dateable get off today by going to better help. Dateable and joined 1 million people over 1 million people taking charge of their mental health again, that's better help.com available and use a code p a b l e for 10% off your first month.
00:30:13 - 00:35:01
Now, let's get to announcements where we starting with Instagram Instagram follow us on Instagram always on the Graham We post we do stories. We do silly things. We also do deep things and you also get like behind-the-scenes look at some of our guests which is always fun. So at dateable podcast ya Instagram, you can tell stuff like Natalie did with Xerox, you know, it's like a two-way street here, but also the Facebook group is where it's really at like the Facebook group is you know, I think it's a very good job. The diff part of the internet we talked about earlier, you know, like he said she said like getting upset with the opposite sex and having negativity. Like we don't see any of that in the Facebook group and honestly like that has been the most often doesn't surprise of all just like the diversity and just like age and gender and race and pretty much any way. You can be diverse. It's been an amazing group. So definitely get in there if you're not already and getting there now because we're about to announce something. Yeah that we can't reveal right now and I'm having a hard time containing myself, but with Julie off myself and our friend Louise, we've been working on this for a while. I would say months and we finally come upon something that I think all of you will really love. So get in our Facebook group page before we make that announcement cuz you'll want to be there for absolutely I cannot wait to release this into the world. I think it's just going to be such great value for everyone. I'm so excited about it. And another thing we want to release into them. Is reviews. Yes, please help us see if you have a moment. Take a moment go into Apple podcast. Give us a 5-star rating. You hear all of the other podcast Chompers podcast stirs do it. It's just general. I don't know. It's like industry-standard. We need a good reviews in order to have more listeners in order to get more sponsors in order to get more guests. It's just like the gift that keeps on giving by giving us a five star review. It takes 2 seconds. If you can leave a nice little comment even better if you can tell us how you found us in your comment. That's awesome. Cuz we love hearing like the route of how you found us. So thank you. Thank you for all of you to all of you who've given us reviews already. But if you haven't yet, please please it would mean so much to us. If you could leave us a review. Yeah. We have a little over three hundred now, but we know that we have a shit ton more listeners than that. So, please please that is our plug to leave us that Reading and Review page. Fabulous now, we're ready. Yes. Yeah. Let's hear it from Kimmy. We've all heard that you can't judge a book by its cover and it's what's on the inside that really matters. But our guest today is really about working from the outside in Iraq, but it's not exactly what you think. So, let me just introduce her first. Her name is Kimmy Seltzer. She's a dating a makeover expert in image consultant who draws upon her experience as a therapist. She's also host of The Gong quotient podcast that we were also on where she talks about how to build confidence from the outside-in. She's consulted thousands of people to revamp their style boost their confidence and most importantly may find love she lives in La she's been there for Seventeen years originally from Chicago. She's fifty and in a monogamous relationship. Hi Kimmy off when people don't know is we literally just recorded for Kimmy's podcast right before this like you guys are good friends already. This is awesome way back a whole heck number. There's an equivalent of splitting a bottle of wine together. So we totally have really during our break. Why don't we do that? We should have gotten some that was a missed opportunity down. Next time ladies is never too late. It's only 6:30. We can do that first and foremost Kimmy. I want to know what does it mean to work from the outside in is that saying that looks really do matter? Yeah, they do. So okay here. How do you write I'm glad you introduced thought the way that you did because it isn't what you really think and I think I would be a mess if I didn't share a little bit of my story and how I got here because honestly before my my whole story happened I used to work from the inside out. I used to be one of those, you know, people know but what happened is as you said and mentioned I'm from Chicago Bulls And you know, I when I lived there I lived a very traditional life. I had a traditional job.
00:35:01 - 00:40:05
I was a traditional therapist. I had you know the house the picket fence the kids the dog husband. I saw the kids but the stories guy. Anyway, what happened is we all picked up we moved here to La La Land we landed here. We do it all the other people here. Can we get a divorce? Obviously, there were there were issues. Did you get a divorce or did you get an agent first one or the other one of the other I didn't know that you had to get an aging so that's how that's how clueless I was now if I were to do it all again, maybe I would obviously there were issues right in this little fairy tale. But the truth of the matter was is that off in that moment of my life. I went through a very dark dark moment. I call it my black. Because you know, if you saw me back event, my clothes really did reflect that place. . I mean I wore ginormous black clothes. I still have the nursing bras on and mind you I was not nursing anything like that is how stuck I was so, you know, like when there's a point in your life. You're going down a path and there's a fork in the road and you have a choice. Well, I was going down the dark path and I just, you know remember being in bed for a long time my family, I don't fly in and help me I couldn't take care of the kids. I really didn't know what I was going to do with my new life. Let alone attract something different, you know, cuz I'm thinking oh my gosh a single mom like who could love me and I really thought that so I remember I look up until now I again thought the Inside Out was the way to go. I did a ton a counseling. I I had really great support system awesome friends, but I still couldn't get out of my own way. And so what happened is I just remember waking up one day and really taking a home. Looking in the mirror and I hated what I saw my it's like wait a second. I was this confident person before and the divorce just literally shattered me and I said, you know, I'm so fed up with the way look, I'm just I'm going to go shopping. Like I just remember that that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get new clothes. I want to just feel better about myself and what I didn't realize is that my boss had changed. I lost a bunch of weight, but I didn't even see that before but I started noticing all the clothes were getting really big on me. And so I go to the shopping Mark, I think it was a department store. I don't even remember where it was like show me Mark at him for so long and called it was a mall. I know right off we create those days again, but but the thing that I remember is I was pulling all the same clothes again black oversized three times too big. I'm sure. And this personal shopper. She was watching me and she comes up to me and she said ma'am. I really think you should try this on and colds up this red dress that looked like 3 ish sizes too small and I said that's so sweet of you, but that's really not my size. And it's really not my color and she said honey that is your size. That is your color. Try it on. So were you dating at this point? Like where were you in your life now? You weren't even added dating stage. Okay, I couldn't even get out of my house, you know, and I so know up until that point. I was still like trying to work on myself, right? But actually that's a good question because what happened in that moment. I caught my red dress moment. It was like she hit me over the head with that dress. Sometimes you hear things in certain parts of your life that you're able to hear. I heard her loud and clear. I'm like, I'm supposed to try that dress on. Yes, so I try it on I twirl around like Cinderella song. In the mirror and boom it was like the date again. Yeah, there should be a podcast about that. Now, I you know, I I truly I know that sounds almost fairy-tale less but there was something that happened when I saw myself looking a certain way like Snapped me out of this trance. I was in and like I said, no, this is me. I just don't see me or so so I bought that dress that day almost as a costume because I I didn't believe it yet. But I I feel like okay. I'm going to wear this and marinate in it a little bit and see what happens. And this is what I see with a lot of my clients and the makeovers that I do is that when you wear something you start feeling better in your money, and then you get a different response. That's what happened. I walked out into the world with this red dress all this magic started happening that you heard in my bio like new suitors began to come my way new opportunity and wage. But here's the thing that I realized is that I was using the black clothes as a cloak to keep me invisible because I was scared.
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I didn't want the attention. I didn't want to be seen and that red dress really forced me to meet not only be seen but be comfortable with it, right and so from that moment on this is when everything started shifting in my mind said I'm like wait a second. There is a symbiotic relationship between the outer and inner and it's not superficial and now I know that there's research to back that up at which I can share in a little bit but what happened is that the more evidence I gained from the outside it started like sleeping in on the inside and this is when I you know, really I felt better about myself off and so now what I practice today is, I really call myself a confidence therapist and an authentic dating strategist why because it really is about strategy and building, please And and it's about feeling good about you and knowing how you can break patterns for yourself. So I raise people's style emotional and social intelligence so that people get what they want. And and that's the way it was all born. So this is something that I I hear all the time but in the reverse about Instagram models that on the outside, they look a certain way but deep down they can't actually connect the two and what you're saying is exact same thing except it's in the roasting is that sometimes you can work on your inner self, but if you don't believe it gang sturdily, then you're not connecting the two you're just living a life as two different people exactly. Now, that's really well put and that's why like when I work with people I always sit down as a therapist and really get a good history. I'm not as cookie-cutter approach coach saying one-size-fits-all cuz it doesn't like we all have different Journeys. So those Instagram models have different Journeys about their self worth and validation number. Then somebody who's not used to being visible on scene. And so it's really taking a look at those three areas style emotional and social and saying okay, what are some pieces that are missing in this puzzle game, you know really plug in and have a different impact in the way that they're going at things cuz obviously if people are not attracting what they want. There's something missing and it's you know what I mean? I think that's the thing. It's like we always say like, oh looks shouldn't matter and all that stuff with dating. But the reality is it does right we can like sugar-coated all we want but people I mean that's what people judge especially if you're on a dating app, like that's literally all you're seeing. You don't know that person I guess to you. Why are First Impressions so important and why this focus on the external? Yes, okay. Yes image matters and now I'll just go into research because I know you ladies like research as well. Not just this like only thing address you look fabulous, you know. Yep. The thing that we know is that if you look at the definition, first of all of image image is the way that people perceive you and that determines how they treat you and when you look at First Impressions, this is crazy. It used to be years ago that it takes 30 seconds to make a first impression. It's only seven seconds now. Wow, well in science people's bit like mental bandwidth is so loud right now. It's like completely with this virtual world that were in and swiping right and left. Like I really think that that has a lot to do with that. So now within First Impressions, here's what's interesting in the brain what happens is that people are making judgments and assumptions on two things one is the clothes that you wear to the attitude that you have which includes body language 93% of communication is nonverbal. So it's not what you say is as important as how you portray yourself and your presentation now dead. I can already see like eyes rolling as they're listening to this. Well, you know, if Iran doesn't like me for me then forget them and I'm not going to change, you know, like I get exactly how she sounds awful, you know her. Yeah, but but this is what I want to kind of flip the thinking of is that it's not about changing who you are. It's about marketing yourself in a way. So that's that's to know who you are. Right the difference. So many people have been passed by and opportunities that have been missed simply because it was bad marketing and advertising and and I really like treated that way. So like I'll give you an example. I was working with this woman and she really had kind of a hard time putting herself out there in in the way of pictures even like dressing like down here and feminine on dates and that kind of thing when I looked into her profile, I don't do profile writing per se I mean, I'll take a look at it. I know the formula, but I'm really good at the marketing job. Pictures right? And so I knew exactly why she wasn't attracting what she wanted.
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Now. I had done a lot of again outside and inside work. I had to have her really start owning her body owning her femininity. I gave her a ton of exercises around that it was hard for her, but then it was time for the pictures and really had to change it. Now when I looked in her profile before mind you she had pictures of her and sweats and scrubs because she was like, I think she was a doctor. She had a picture of a ginormous mountain with her this big box downstairs. This is why I like just a lot of oh, yeah. That's a lifestyle shot. Like I don't care. It's a lifestyle shot. We can't even see you. Like what good is the mountain if if we can't see you and then there was also another picture that put her in a really bad light like it was just not a flattering picture and then there was one picture that was super hot like she was all dressed up. She had this kind of like koi look on her face a little dog. My alarm like where is that? Like? Why aren't you putting that on the floor and decor is that and she's like, oh, I don't know. That's just one that you know, my I had a professional shoot done for this thing. I was in and I said, yeah, that's what I want more of so we did a whole photo shoot we put that picture along with some of the other ones like full body one in a red dress, you know, what else she got a whole new inventory of guys that was such better quality and what she was looking for in that pool was her boyfriend. They're still together today. It was a marketing issue, you know love about that though is cuz I think sometimes when you hear like, oh, it's the outside first, you're like fuck am I gonna have to like change the way I look completely and am I ugly or my too short or whatever it is, right or Hang-Ups, but you're saying it's just putting your best foot forward and working with what you have and showing how you can look best in that light. I guess like how do you gain that confidence though, especially? In a world we live in with like Instagram models or people on Tik Tok or just like all this like portrayal of Beauty for men and women. Well, yeah first and foremost if that's tripping you pull up that that's where you have to start working. Right? Cuz if you're if you're comparing yourself to others and you're not seeing your your own worth your own Beauty your own value, that's where you have to start because there's deeper issues there. I am seeing trends like how you ladies looking at Trends. It's really interesting. I just think the different Generations that the social media has replaced on our validation. So because so many people are to your point comparing themselves. So a lot of times I'll put people on social media fasts during this time. I was they don't look at other pictures don't look at anybody. I want you focusing on you. The second thing that I do is really helping people on what they have and like I will make people even come up with Joe. Three things that they loved about them in a physical sense and like it can be a toenail. It can be a tooth. I don't care give me something love my front tooth so much. I think it's so hot in to this too. Yeah, especially with women we often focus on what we don't like versus what we do and so helping people first own their birthday with what they like and then it's finding clothes and things that accentuate those pieces. So I have something called the three see formula very scientific in the way. Oh, I'm writing this down. I know I love this. I well because I think a lot of times we get tripped up on you know, I can't wear that or I shouldn't wear this or oh my friend looks better in that song really it's about your body type and knowing what clothes flattered that body type and what clothes to stay away from. So that's the first see is knowing your cut and I I actually have a dog Free body type that I'm happy to pass on to your listeners. It's a guide where people can measure themselves and understand like what body type they are. Oh, yes. I was just going to ask. How do you even know what box you are under you start for for women there five body types and four men. There are three man. I have a man's fashion Manifesto, which is a long queue for them because I know secretly you all want to know about fashion, but you don't like talk about it on a Sunday afternoon. Like that's not something guys talk about but there are certain rules with each of these same types. And then the second seen you before we go into the second thing. Can you give us an example of like maybe one for women and one for men cuz I'd love to dive in a little deeper on that. Well sure, you know, I think off for women no matter what body type you are. You're always trying to achieve cemetery and the most symmetrical body type is The Hourglass. Okay, you you probably have heard that wage. For but I think a lot of times people have a different definition in their mind of what an hourglass truly is.
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It's actually where your shoulders and your hips are exactly the same size and proportion and your waist goes in a little bit. It's not about being the voluptuous woman that that's not truly what an hourglass is. It's just that you're perfectly symmetrical to be honest. It'd probably like eight point. One of the population is a true hourglass. Like it's that that's not the most common and so, you know, there's like inverted triangle, there's triangle there's rectangle. There's all kinds of body types. But when I teach people like what cuts work with them, what I'm trying to do is balance out that silhouette so that you look more symmetrical. So then when you see yourself in a picture rocks that already is a confidence-booster because a lot of times people have the wrong things on they see themselves in the picture like, oh I hate pictures of myself, but that's what I like. If you go to my site can be salsa.com We'll see a ton of before and after pictures and it's remarkable like some people look like they lost fifteen pounds and that was within like 10 minutes of each other looked at that and I was like, is that the same person same thing but that's crazy cuz I actually talked to a friend of ours about just some tips and he was like, you should just wear a blazer like a black blazer and then like where something the color that pops off because that Willock frame your body a bit more. So do you have any like tips like just very tactical types of tips that people can use? Okay. I don't know who your friend is, but I would not do that. I don't take that tip. Nope. Well, here's the thing because we're talking about dating and it depends what setting we're talking, right, Yeah, that's true work. Yes. Yes, like dating profile and what not to wear like do not wear Blazers. Yeah, so like for instance if you have a job. Of and and we can go into this after the 3 C's but like there are certain looks that men find sexy and certain looks that women find something and that's also another layer to what looks good on a body. Okay, so that will put that like to the side and we've a clip in terms of the tips. Why do you say that leave a cliffhanger four people would you like how about you stay tuned off States you down for shadowing? So then what is flattering for certain body type? So let's say that you're an inverted triangle. That means that your shoulders are wider than your caps what you're going to want to really do. The most important thing is looking at like your color line because you have wide shoulders you're trying to narrow the shoulder. So they balance out the hips off so that you're going to want to do something like a v-neck or a youth rather than like a strapless because the more skin you have up here. It's going to widen that area. These are some of the things that I am. For my virtual makeovers and it's super fun because like sometimes in a video like I can show people the differences between the different cuts and that will go virtual shopping together and I'll pick out outfits and they see the difference in their pictures that they upload to me versus something that I'm suggesting and it's like a drastic difference a lot of times and keep me are men trying to achieve this asymmetry as well. Yeah. Now with Madge what's different for them is, you know, they don't have as much variation and their bodies. So because when I say there's three body types in more has to do with like the stocky Man versus the real skinny song and verses like tall and short and so there's certain like clothes that flatter each of those, you know types. I will say so like for a guy who's really tall for instance wage layering, the clothes is really good for them because it breaks up that line versus dressing monochromatically cuz that actually provides length. So a short guy should do that right? Yep. These are fun things, you know, and and this is what I hope that you all get from. This is that it's not like I gotta go do all this and this is such a pain. It's actually kind of exciting knowing that there is something you can do that has an instant effect right an instant result like all the inside stuff takes time. This is instant, right? And this is why we need to forget we need to wage really not pay attention to the Instagram models and all the fads and Trends out there because there are certain body tat types of these Trends just don't do not work on like the high waisted jeans will never look on my body no matter how many pairs I have. I'm just going to give that up right you I'm so glad you said that because here there's a difference between fashion and style and Panache use that sometimes interchangeably. So style is what's Everlasting and that's what I focus on something. That's you and that that should just be u e Fashion are Trends things that come and go and you are so right. In fact, I always look at these morning shows and they come out with like the trending.
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Yeah, and I always say to myself. Oh that looks good on probably five percent of the people right? Not only that guys would not find that attractive, you know, like I want to hear the other sees, but before we get into that, can you just go through the other female body types now that you kind of share the three male ones? Oh sure. So I think I mentioned The Hourglass and then there's inverted triangle, which is the shoulders are wider than the hips found. You have a triangle which is the opposite. That's where your shoulders are smaller than your hips right in the head still out. Then we have the rectangle and that's where your shoulders your waist and your hips are off the same or sometimes people refer to it as a boyish cut. And so that like with that body type. For instance. You're really going to want to work on accentuating the waist to cause more of that like silhouette and then Thursday. V one that I put in there and this is the only one by the way that has to do with just wait cuz all the other ones have to do with your bone structure it has nothing to do with your weight is I caught the diamond ring cuz as especially women as we get older we tend to carry weight in the stomach area and with menopause and hormones and all that stuff. So I I think it's important to talk about cuz that's a problem area for a lot of women and that can be in conjunction with some of the other ones. And so then on top of it you have to look at height you also just look at breast size cuz that will also plays into what clothes work got it cool. That's so helpful. I think I'm the square. I think I figured you know, what we should do a virtual makeover and and film that one with you my God, that's so fun. I love that idea love it. That's a general idea of what we should do it at the end. I mean we should do it. Okay. So what are the other sees? Yeah, okay. So then the moving to the second seat is color color color. It's so simple yet. So many of us don't and I was guilty of it. You heard my story black is so safe home a lot of women. I find tend to enjoy more the subdued dull colors and believe me. I love black. I think black is really classy. In fact, I recommend it. It's very slimming too long, but it's fun to pop color and color actually can't attract a guy. So here I'll give you a little like strategy. So ladies there is actually research out there that now it has been proven that guys are attracted to read you probably heard this before but now we know why do you want it's crazy. I just try khilana Hai ngoai Cong why because it's the color of menstration. So it actually signifies fertility quality. I thought you were to say like fire hot but menstruation works too. I know so I think it's this like subliminal Thursday. It goes on with guys are so attracted. So I always recommend a woman having a picture of herself online wearing something red to do that number. You know, what I was Sriracha months for Halloween and it was when I was in like the best shape of my life too and I was wearing my like a red tube top, but I I feel like that was the most attention I've ever gotten in the single night. So the red Works package cuz that's awesome. Yeah now and you know, like what happened in my own story. There's also something really like it's almost a confidence-booster for a woman should be able to walk in a room with a red dress have a picture of herself out there cuz you are putting yourself out there in a brighter color, but the psychology of color is really really fascinating. It's interesting in each in even in the business World cuz I do work with people in the business world as well. There's certain colors that are associated with like sales Authority, you know, and so knowing your call log Jurors are really important. But especially in relation to attraction now the right colors are important because like you has Asian skin and then that's different than like June and I have a lighter skin tone. There are certain colors you can wear and then certain colors Julie and I cannot wear so it's important to know that because sometimes it'll make you look like six or feed it and pictures and also I will I'm going to go on a rampage here because we're talking about color go for it. I'm really against and this has to do with camera work too and zoom dates really highly against wearing patterns and you you probably noticed know this about being on T actually on camera of your trying to take photos as swimming and makes you look clean and professional all of the above and just patterns create a weird effect on camera too. So sometimes it can make you look bigger than you really yeah. Yeah. I know you you always give me that song. I see you're like do. We're all about solid colors. I'm curious Kimmy like you mentioned our complexion both you and I are a bit more whiter paler.
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Yeah, and then you a is TJ Asian darker complexion. So what color is kind of work better for people of our complexion vs. US complexion? Yeah for lighter skin tones. I always recommend like a higher Peg Mentor like a brighter Hue. So think jewel tones jewel tones, like really good because there's like more contrast on our skin versus like a pastel like the worst colors for us a really pale colors or like a right really that's interesting cuz I've always thought. Oh my gosh only my white friends can wear Easter colors. I don't think I can wear off a light pink or a light purple. But okay. I feel like I've gravitated to Grey and light pink and now regretting it cuz you're right. It doesn't look good in photos. It never looks good. But you know, what's good job? Is a bright pink. Oh by the way, bright pink and fuchsia. That's also highly attractive for guys. Like they like I could say that right? I like that. Yeah. Yeah, so you could wear a color that you like, but if you just work with the pigmentation of it sometimes can make a huge difference. That's why I'm I'm not a true colorist. We're in a sense like in in the old school sense that they go like, oh, you're a winter you're a dog or a fox. I do more by tonality because I think Fabrics died differently in different. There's different tones of colors that look good on some people and and not so good on others and offer you a your skin tone. Actually Asian skin has some yellow in and so like what to stay away from our things like orange and yellow because that's going to make you look a little more sickly, but what looks great on you like you're wearing black right now. I just think it's stunning. I think black. I'm a Asians with like the dark hair is just stunning. Especially e Pop like a red lip. It's just really really mysterious and like sexy but then like Navy looks good on you and and also certain Reds but like a blue red you say you want to do like an orange red. Yeah, right. You probably know this like being on T. So, you know again, it does make a big difference and even like if you're doing a zoom date. Oh, yeah, your name will seem different when you're wearing different colors may be mindful of that like give yourself some time to do some prep work before you go on a virtual date. It's just like a regular date and I think too many people are not paying attention to that for all the men out there. I think they should experiment with colors as well. I mean don't State University Greys and your blacks and your white I think there's just so many different I think some men look incredible in a moss green. Yeah, and and where that color and some guys look incredible in a baby pink pig. A problem is a black as we've been told all of our lives that it's slimming and it makes you yeah, and the problem is though that everyone wears black. So there's nothing that makes you stand out like I'm thinking about going into a bar and then everyone's a black and one person's inbred like you're gonna see that person just like their faults, right? So why not let yourself stand out and maybe it doesn't need to be read but even the guy and green that would stand out from all like the Sea of gray, right? Exactly. And I think the big thing is just taking a look at like how you're wearing colors and why like again with my storage lot of clients that I've helped. I knew that my black clothes now that I look back on it was again, it was the cloak it was just to keep me invisible. I didn't I don't want to stand. I don't want to be seen dead. I don't like think about that at the time but now I realize it was versus like somebody who's just wearing black every now and then but still has sprinkle of color like that there is different. You know them. And how you're wearing. It just a really funny cute story was helping a client and it's funny cuz she came to me for dating coaching now. I I used to do and hopefully I can get back to it to do wing girl session. I go out to the bars and I help people flirt and like teach them how to navigate a room and she just wanted that like, she just hired me for a pure dating coaching and some of the inside work but then when she showed up I said honey, I'll I'll help you but we gotta do something about your clothes. She's like what's wrong with my clothes like these are really expensive. I said, it's not about having expensive clothes, but no she had beige these babes like garments on and then she literally had a shawl wrapped around her was that was that was like a her love Shield, you know, and like you you are off early like guarding yourself against attention, you know, so my assignment to her before we even got into everything is I had her get a red lipstick and where it for a week off. See the impact it would have right thought it was so weird. And so then cuz I didn't do anything else with her.
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I said just wouldn't just do this. And so she did it and she came back. She said oh my God Kim that that magic bullet. It totally worked so happened. She said, well I warm for week and like all these guys started talking to me like this has never happened. And what happened was again this symbiotic relationship because as she got more attention, she was able to have the confidence to give that energy back like it was working hand-in-hand and from that moment on I literally created a monster because we went shopping. We got all these like sexy clothes and now people go to her for like fashion advice and flirt advice their Protege I totally and actually she can Francisco now so you might see her out there with the red red lips. So we got cut color. What's the third one cut color and then what the 3rd Street and confidence close and so what I mean by that is everyone has wage. Big in their closet that they pull when they have a social event or a date and it's usually something they feel confident and you know, or maybe they got complimented in it like just determine like take it out and determine what is it about that outfit that you like. Have you gotten compliments? Is it like the way it feels is the fabric is it just the cut? Do you feel like Slim in it and off once you determine that it's almost like doing an audit for yourself get more of those things because yeah, you know this like when you feel good in your clothes it change it's a game-changer like you feel she moved differently, right? I totally have this Romper that one of my we had a past date of mine. Yeah, Michelle. ROM, he called it out that I had added to many of my profile photos and that I showed up in the same Romper on the date clearly my like signature piece that you just mentioned, but I think it is like cuz I think I'm a square body type, but the Romper had since birth Yeah, like a tie around the waist to kind of cinch it like you were saying of how do you make it more of an hourglass with that? So now taking inventory that maybe it's not that easy to just where that one Romper but I should be getting more stuff like that Romper. That's a good example, right you could take the elements of that and then replicate it in address in the way that you wear just like your tops in your pants off and maybe it's the Fabrics that kind of plug that area. Yeah, definitely. So keep me in your experience and I want to go back to your original story of your journey. When you first bought that red dress nice felt like it was a costume at what point does that dress feel like it's no longer a costume but a part of you where when is that Turning Point? That's a really great Corporation and I don't I don't again, I don't think one-size-fits-all literally that I think it just depends on your journey and where you're at some for me for instance if I had put that red dress off. On right when everything happened right after my divorce, I think it would have taken me a lot longer but I had done work. I had had a period of time and then I just got fed up that I needed to do something just like shift me. So so for me it started happening, you know within a couple months, but the instantaneous effect that it had on me wage it like literally overnight. I know that sounds almost weird, but I see it with the makeovers that I do like this is what's so powerful to me. Is that sometimes I can shift someone quicker in one makeover session and and and I do inside work as well and flirt session all that then I did years a sit-down therapy. And and the reason is I truly because you're viscerally going something you're feeling something you're collecting evidence and it again is that symbiotic kind of impact it has but it is different for for everybody like for instance and it's just being a therapy dog. Talking like if somebody's been sexually abused that's a different profile and that's going to be like a different Journey than somebody who just had something bad happen like a divorce. I'm not minimizing or wage or same one as you know worse than the other. I'm just saying it's a different journey and different healing process, right? So, okay. So I love what you just said because they're like quick tips that can like if you just invest a little time in research you can do these like quick shifts to really make a difference cuz I know one of the things I struggle with is when I like go out for the night. I can like take the time I can look good. I can do my hair all that. But sometimes it's on a day-to-day is just so much effort. It feels like it's like a lot of time and it's hard to like carve that time out and make it something that you continually do like what are some tips that you have outside of just even clothes that can like let you just go to the supermarket or grocery store just be looking good cuz you just never know who you're going to meet them. Anywhere, right so it's like yeah y reserve it for that like one night out. Like let's just is there like a little things you can do everyday your life that doesn't feel overwhelming.
01:10:04 - 01:15:09
And can you just give you a little backstory San Francisco so different from La Lululemon wearing, you know, like swearing coffee drinking granola heads where wage as a woman or a man? If you just dress up a little bit you'll get a ton of attention because you really do stand out. So Julie's question. What is something I mean, we're I'm going to speak for myself. I'm lazy song comes. Yeah pressing up and getting done up for something. But what if something we can do that's sustainable on a date yet. I'm super yeah. Oh, by the way, I totally know this song Francisco culture. I actually have coached and on wing girl sessions with a ton of people up in San Francisco and it is and cuz every environments different everyone's lifestyle is different and you know, what else? Is that for women just know that guys find you super hot and attractive in yoga pants and they also love you in a T-shirt and jeans and may I also love you in a dress and heels. Okay, so getting ready means different things and it doesn't have to always be all dolled up in you know, a dress and heels. Okay. So looks like say that but what it is is it's being Mindful and thinking about the care that you're putting into yourself before you go out or before you have a date. Yes, like two Julie's point and I teach people this all the time like the opposite sex is everywhere. They're everywhere, you know, you can you can meet people in coffee shops, even like if we're still in covid-19, you're listening to this The Masks can be super sexy. Like you can be really mysterious like this is the new masquerade literally like I'm so you know, it's just the way that you put yourself down. There and so if it means okay, I'm going to comb my hair. I'll put a little lip gloss on I I'm going to put these yoga pants on that are comfortable. But I know I look super Chic at home. Then that's your outfit that you're also going out versus not combing your hair having no makeup looking to shovel, you know, maybe you just walked your dog with these ginormous like sweatpants on the don't fit you like it's different. It's the the self-care. So anytime people are feeling rushed or like just don't want to do like a day off or I don't want to go out looking like this. My answer is don't and just don't you know, because what you're you're going to do yourself a disservice and you're going to show up in that special event or in public or on that date with that mindset and with that body, you know, it's an energy that's going to seep from you. So I always tell people give yourself some prep time off. Put together like date prep plans for people so that they are able to decompress the day they get rid of like the masculine and The Feminine energy like whatever sex you are and so that you're wrong kind of getting into that like sexy time, you know, the feeling good about yourself. You're turning off the left brain, you're turning on the right brain, you're getting more playful and that's why I love old clothes because it it truly can act as a costume to help you get there. Yeah, and I know for me too. It's like I make all these excuses in my head, but really even if I don't put on a ton of makeup, but I just put on like a minor and mascara and lip gloss or lipstick it goes a long way and it literally takes like 2 seconds. So it's like it's totally it's an excuse when you're saying it doesn't take too long. And yeah, it doesn't need to be like the full on but even something that will boost your confidence is better than nothing the perspective it's not so much about a new sense or a burden of getting ready. It's about dead. Carving out me time before I go out for sure. And I think that's great too. And before we go into takeaways, I do want to hear it like giving you gave us a little teaser earlier about I was wondering if you come off forget about what you guys are. What is it two ways that women and men can dress that appeal to the opposite sex. Is that where does there's so much and it's it's it's really fun. Okay, so we'll start with what men find sexy okay, cuz I have male clients and female so I'm constantly surveying like both sexes. Like what do you find sexy? And so here's what I hear the number one thing that men find sexy obviously is confidence just overall like I think that but then what shows that is how comfortable I feel in your body its way the clothes you wear is really important guys don't really care about like the size the shape of like if you own your body and you think you're the bomb and you suck You're sexy they will too. Okay, so I just want to like I want to start out with that because I think that's really crucial in the mindset and then in terms of the clothes, I think that you know, they all love women and dresses they really do.
01:15:09 - 01:20:07
You know, I I can't tell you how many times that women will say. Oh, well, I can't wear dresses if they're not me or I live in a cold. Like I've heard a lot of women not want to wear dresses and what I say to that it's fine. I mean if it's not you that that's fine, but just know that that's something that a man finds sexy and let's talk about is it is it the brand that maybe is not fitting you right? Is it because you're truly cold but let's talk about like are you really going to be outside, you know on your first, you know, like like where did you where like tights like there's any like Ocean's like it doesn't need to just be like this sundress like there's very many variations of a drug. Yeah, but you know, I I do a ton of Live Events and wage. Chops and I'm always like like it all the hands go up when when I talk about dresses. I I never see a guy go, you know, I don't like like I just doesn't happen right now on the Thayer side on the you ladies can chime in because we're all women like we just enjoy when men care like cuz yes, I think guys just get lazy. They don't they they like us to be all dressed up and everything, but they don't think that we like really like that. So like good grooming is really boring and poorly Palm trimming the nose hairs. We like that, you know, like the ears the here and they like sometimes even will get fixated on little things like that that will turn us off. So just that's an easy fix. I'm mindful of your grooming habits and also being put together but we women love A well-dressed man, and it doesn't mean that he has to be again like in a tuxedo or off. Even though that's super like hot but we also like a guy in jeans and a t-shirt but as long as it fits him right baggy jeans, no acid wash jeans know like we say, you know, like we'd like a like a nice tailored outfit I think on a first date too or just even early stages of dating. It just shows that you gave this person a little bit of time like there's something there like I know for me I always try to wear a dress because it takes me out of my normal day and it like Steps it up a little right cuz I'm now putting emphasis that I'm excited to meet this person and be there and I think for a guy to like if they just show up in like, I mean, I've heard of stories where guys like show up in like gym shorts and that just literally means. I just you just didn't give this any time right and I think just write something as simple as just jeans and like a button down shirt or like a flannel shirt. That's not crazy but wage. So is that they're like put together and they're giving yeah. Yes exactly. They're trying to impress in some capacity but I do think men just don't know where to start a lot of the time, you know, but I think you're right cuz normally like when I'm dressing a guy they really do want to know they want to please us they a lot of times either right? They didn't think about it and they just don't know to be honest I much prefer shopping with men because they just want to please their like, oh do you like this? Is this look like, okay. I'll take five of them. That's cool. Like who women are like, I don't like the way my arms look and like we're lot pickier and harder on ourselves. I think so. Yeah when a man actually does get help around it. It makes a huge difference and going to the profile pictures. Oh my gosh, like if you're a man pointing to this you will have a leg up on all the men out there. If you just dress well and and not take just a selfie in the mirror with like your shirt off like that. You're already ahead of the game when your name Dressing nicely I think the tip you gave earlier for men that are on the shorter side to of just like wearing things that are like more chromatic. That's huge cuz we hear people all the time being like took such a problem for me and it's something I can't change like no one's going to measure how tall you are anyways, so, how can you just make that perception? That's a really big thing. I really appreciate a man who has style. Yeah. Oh, yeah, the when I first moved to San Francisco and I walked around the city. I was like most of these men do not have a style. They've I went up to them and said, what's your style? What is your what is your closet look like I think most of them would just say whatever my company gave me a free swag. So it's really nice cuz it shows me that the guy really knows himself off and therefore he was able to create a style for himself, but that's really revolved. That's like a very evolved man. I think that also is like a lot of times men will like will get feet or with them. Octaman I get feedback from their dates that they came off looking young and I think like if they wear their company t-shirt and jeans or just a T-shirt and jeans or gym shorts that makes you look younger.
01:20:07 - 01:25:09
So one of the things to instantly fix that without totally going to the gym and like redoing like your whole body like some instant fix like you were saying is just dressing the part a little different life. Absolutely and looking at who you're trying to attract because remember like attracts like and this is another fun thing about the clothes. Is that are you putting out what you're getting back and like I was doing a virtual makeover with this guy who really wanted somebody who like a woman who was athletic and put together and all that and yet when I saw him on camera and His Image online, that's not at all what he was right? And so I said if you're wanting to attract that woman you have to dress the part, you know, and so we put him into more kind of athletic clothes off. And and had him kind of create that Vibe for himself that he truly wanted and was but he wasn't marketing that and so the minute he did that he he started attracting more athletic women interesting makes sense. So should we go to take away as I feel like this conversation has been so interesting. I think my biggest one you hear all the time. It's the inside first and all of that and I think it really isn't inside or outside but it's a combination and I do think inner work does take longer and I think historically I also thought that outer work took longer like I need to drop that fifteen pounds I need to do whatever it is. That's like top of mine, but I think what I'm learning from you is capitalized on all these little things that you can shift because the little things can actually make a big difference and that doesn't mean that you forget about the big things like yeah, if you feel like you have some weight to lose like I know I've been there I feel better if I've lost that weight. I feel healthier, but doesn't me off I need to like wait to start dating until I'm fifteen pounds lighter like that just is like the waiting game that can go on forever. So it's like how do you maximize with working with what you got in loving what she got? I love it might take away is this conversation really isn't so much about makeup or hair or clothes or the brands of the clothes you wear. It's about how you feel and how you present yourself. So it's really the fourth see it's the Charisma confidence and Charisma thought he comes from the vibe that you put off. So I after this conversation I'm going to go do an audit of my closet and put on some of the clothes that I wear on a daily basis or on a regular basis and think about like what is it that how do I exclude my energy from this outfit? And is it the energy that I want to put out into the universe? Cuz sometimes you're right we have those clothes. In our closet, I I definitely have a few on those days. I want to be invisible. I wear that and that's okay. We can have those those cloaks and then we have those that are like Show Stoppers and those shows Stoppers. I think every woman a man should have two outfits that are ultimate Show Stoppers in their wardrobe that they know the exact great event or whatever. It may be tough to bring out those Show Stoppers and really present yourself in that show-stopping way. I love that. But I also think there should be showstoppers or that are more for the every day. Like maybe it's that pair of yoga pants or jeans that you just know you look good in because I hundred percent agree should have like those really Show Stoppers like the ultimate Show Stoppers, but just having it in your day-to-day life that will like Faith give potentially bigger dividends because it's so much more frequent as well. I love that. I love that. It's funny. I mean Julie, it's so weird that you said about like just doing the Small Things add up to the bigger when i c e That all the time cuz sometimes people, you know, I love when people say, oh just be more confident or just you know, just do this. It's like but if I knew how to do that I I would be doing that already and and that's the thing about this stuff. They're tangible small things that you can do to work towards the bigger thing that you're trying to accomplish and and I always say, you know, I Define confidence a little bit differently and it kind of relates to everything we're talking about. I don't believe that there's one person out there that's not confident. It has to do with experience and positive exposure because they you can be confident at work, but maybe not a confident dater and usually it's because either you had negative experience or maybe not enough experience around it. So the best way to build confidence is to get positive reinforcement exposure and experience to slowly build that confidence and you know, whether it's your style, you know, and maybe you're good in the style, but maybe wage You're not good with the emotional intelligence, you know, maybe it's the way you express yourself or you don't express yourself and the way you set boundaries and being vulnerable or maybe it's the way you interact your conversation skills your flirts with all those things take a look at those three areas.
01:25:09 - 01:29:37
Where are the pieces that are missing that you can plug in to start building that confidence? That's great. That's really wonderful. It just makes me feel so empowered, you know, cuz it's it's all in our control and it's just how we want to utilize the resources that we have. I spoke to a good friend of mine who's a life coach and I was going through some crazy stuff at the time and I asked her what are some things I should be doing with my life just find more clarity around my career and she said let's start with clothes and I was like what I go pick out. She said go pick out an outfit. That's totally you don't think it's for style but you want it to be your style put it in your closet and try to where it once a week just to see how it makes you feel and it was to me it totally changes. Perspective on how I saw myself and how I want is that myself it was actually very empowering at that time. So it's not just about the superficial or external it is a call from the end, but then it works its way out. Yeah, I love that cuz I mean you ain't knows this but I feel like I used to be really into like shopping and buying new clothes and I just haven't been over the last couple of years and it almost feels daunting to me and I think like before this conversation, I think especially just not like with myself but everyone is sometimes looks can be a very sensitive topic. May I think that's how we're like perceiving it especially if you're hearing like, oh we're going to talk about like fixing the external right like that can come off is very overwhelming very but I think the way you've positioned it on this call is I agree with you you a very empowering and I'm excited to go through my closet and be like which are those outfits that way, you know, exciting cuz like thinking about it too. It's like when dead I have attracted like significant others or dates or the type of men I've been wanting to attract is when I felt my best and go Bingo. Yes, and that's it. Yep, and a lot of times like that was just wearing a certain outfit and I think it's yeah, it's a combination of like internal and external it's not one versus the other but again, this is that wage just Kickstart whatever it's kind of holding you back right now well and it's like what you said too is just it's an empowerment, you know, this isn't about being superficial or not. It's about gosh. What can I do to make a difference in how I feel about myself so I track something different and it's not about the man. It's not about the woman. It's about you and when you feel good about you others will 2004 all the men out there who are kind of at a loss for how to define your style. Well, you can always ask a girlfriend. If you're in a relationship ask your partner if you have some close girlfriends take them off. Shopping with you. We will be very honest and if all those fail you can always go to Kimmie jobs or just go straight to start at the stores like no choice. Should I just go to the mute? How can people find you? Yeah, I mean the easiest is to go to my website. It's Kim eselfserve.com k i m m y Seltzer, I'm all over social media with the name of Kimmy Seltzer and of course on my podcast the Charisma quotient and you'll get a lot of us he's over there. So as well as you two lovely ladies, we just did a fun podcast. So yeah, check it out. We'll be linking that in our stuff too. So yeah, definitely check out candy and her podcast. Wonderful. We're going to wrap this up stay off. The dateable podcast is part of the Frolic podcast Network find more podcasts. You'll love at Frolic media want to continue the game. The station first follow us on Instagram Facebook and Twitter with a handle at dateable podcast tagged as in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts then head over to our website dateable podcast, there. You'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium y Series where we dissect and burns and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify Apple podcast Google Play overcast Stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.