From video dates to finding love in the time of Corona, we're chatting with the rest of our community hosts Janis, Tony, Suanie, and Ryan about their post-pandemic plans and how they've evolved during the last year. We discuss becoming the person you want to date, bringing vulnerability into every dating interaction no matter how small or large, and putting all the self-work into finding someone who is right for you
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S112E12: Dating Post-Pandemic Part 2
00:00:01 - 00:05:08
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
Welcome to another episode of dateable. A show all about modern dating whether you're dating single in relationships getting out relationship in a situation ship there are always questions about. Why people do the things that they do especially yourself so no matter what status or life stage you're in these episodes will be relevant to you. I think especially right. Now as we're coming out of the pandemic i feel like there might be someone out there that thought they got Down there like i got this. I understand what's happening in the pandemic hit. It changed everything. And now we're like this next wave of coming out of the pandemic that's going gonna change everything again. So you know you can never be ahead of water data. That's what i've learned. And i've also learned that you can always say you have your shit together when it comes to looking at other people's problems why therapists kim ever are very good at guiding you through. That dating coaches can do that because there are a third party. They're looking at observing you but when it comes her own stuff nobody has their shit together like nobody has a doubt okay therapist. Not the is not the dating coaches. I actually feel like. I mean last week's episode. This is the part two of our dateable hosts and now moderators the love and the time in corona group that are really sharing their own individual stories. Coming out the pandemic so we have the rest of our lovely hosts crew we have. Yes this tony. Swannee and ryan so we got all that and you but there was just such great feedback from the episode last week of just like how everyone's showed up is just like super confident. And i think like a lotta people said like i liked hearing the mix of people that were owning being single in the mix of people that were navigating new relationships because we always say at like being dateable just dot mean being single being dateable essentially never ends like. You're always dating your martyr and there was this. Actually this quote that we put up on instagram. It was actually after the episode. We did with alice like a few weeks ago. But i don't think we actually taught it fully but this is like the most liked quote we've ever got it on instagram. It was yes it was a marriage is not the end of the search for love. It's the end of the search for the person to love the search for ways to love. That person has just begun. That's just such a great quote ad. I think people are really taking the time during covid to think about relationships. Marriages is that what i want and if i do want that what part of that do i want. Is it the formality of it. Or is it actually like partnering up someone doing life together. So that's a really great quote for people to think about and marinate n. I learned so much just from our hosts in general from that last episode. And whether you're in our facebook group or not even if you have no connection to the people that were highlighting here just think of them as people navigating through cova de muskovich are and i think in that last episode. I learned about how you just have to figure out your own way. There's just no one-size-fits-all we say this all the time. But i forget that. And i always like oh what do other people do. You can listen and observe without other people do but end of the day. You still have to figure out what works best for you. Yeah i think what blows me away about our host group and we call them hosts because they actually hosts the happy hours podcast discussion groups in the sounding board. Those are like the video were interactive ways. That people are really getting to become friends from this thing. We've talked about all the write ups. I had the pleasure beating up with two of the hose. Caitlyn jason this week. It was so fun so nice to meet people in the flash ends. Yeah like what really amazed me in a lot of people said this. It's like even in the first part. Now we're going to hear the next part it's so different takes on things yet. Everyone is so vulnerable and humboldt show so much growth regardless of what stage of life there at and though the woman leading the pack of this week is janice the queen herself. She's our queen moderator. She has been with us since the beginning of this facebook group the original moderator and now we've actually upgraded jedis to an admin because she's been so integral into this community and someone that the group really looks up to. And we've got janice tony's swannee ryan all coming for you but before we play their interviews I think it's important to highlight our event from last week with jeff harry about bringing play into your everyday life and into dating.
00:05:08 - 00:10:05
What a fun event. That was julian s. People said i mean him and louise's did such a fantastic job like the feedback coming out of that event. It feel like i've ever julia lasalle. She had just this vile outer face. It she came back and she's like i'm ready to get back out there like i feel energize great. This is exactly what we want. We want people thinking dating should be fun. It should not be this chore. A drag lake fewer bringing that energy onto dates. Of course the dates are going to go. Well what i really enjoyed about. This event was everyone came with an open mind and nobody knew they were expecting. And we all left with a laundry list of like awesome date ideas that you could do ranging from the smallest little thing to grand josh shirts and i think we really like exercise our creative juices during and that's what i that's what i wanted out of the session just to be a kid again. Yes so okay. So you a now that we're going into postcode world. What's one date that you're going to do with your boyfriend. We're going to do a scavenger hunt and loan mean nice. This is something we've been you do for a while. They have a. There's so many companies out there to facilitate stuff like this. You just got to seek them out but long. Beach has these hidden areas and actually my girl. Crush mei li lives in one of those hidden backyard. Searching she like. I swear about a scavenger hunt. I've stalking you as like a the window. Like you may lease us. Mug is on the list so weird. it's creepy. I'm sorry. May i sound like such a creep. But you're the one that inspired me to go to long beach and see counties in areas. I'm not going to seek out your home unless you invite me over. That's all. I'm saying but that that's the one that i think it's a great family event so we can take our dogs and explore new neighborhood loving about yours i okay. There's two that i really wanted to so one of them actually isn't going to be the one that you think. I've told everyone that i dream. Data's going to the chirp aline park but that is not what. What do i do want because that's already been in my mind. These are like fresh. The moon one. She's like okay. So we do breakout sessions at wall. Everyone was and breakout sessions. Jeff louise talke about our own stuff. Jeff was like facilitating for us and louise this this one we would like kinda like brainstorm like crazy ideas. The idea was like at least one or so stock and there was one that she put out there about going on a moon rise says she was saying that you went to like corona heights. Pete in which is like a top part in then would watch the moon. Come up but i you hung onto this idea because the moon is so underrated. We don't ever talk about the moon. We talk about the sunrise. We talked about watching the sunset. The moon rise could be just as beautiful and romantic and like the moon deserve some love to well. That's what i loved about. This workshop is. It wasn't just like spitting out ideas. It was coming up with like what are your values like what something playful in like fun for you. And i think one of mine i've learned is that i am highly romantic idea of being unlike a moon. Rise like in like you know. Like the snuggled up watching the booed kebab like. That just sounds so romantic to me. Yes i think that is so you. And that's why when jeffers was suggesting like improv classes. No no that's not julie. that's not that is not like intimate or romantic at all. So you don't always thinking actually was this is kind of a little bit of a tangent but related but one of the things that i was thinking about through like the whole last episode. Why everyone's like this community has really been what it has been because you have talked about this before. We were very scared to start a facebook. We thought it was going to be a bunch of people bitching about dating. We just did not want that negative energy. That isn't what dateable is about in any way and it's like it's blown us away how introspective people are and how supporting they are to one another. I mean we'll hear it with the host too. It's like what has really been. The core is like these people have essentially made a group of friends like overcoat at times. Like a lot of them. Say i tell the the fellow members of the sounding board in love in the time of corona things that like. I wouldn't tell even like my closest friends especially in the sounding board when they're chatting every week via video and i was thinking about it and i really do think actually the key to modern j. thing is to have that support system and having that like friendship because i was thinking about like even you and i it's therapeutic for us to be doing this podcast.
00:10:05 - 00:15:08
This is how we both grown over the last five years with our own dating lives. And i think honestly having you'd like bounce things off of into like share. The thought process normalized certain behavior. Like it's made it a lot easier to like go out and date after. Because i hear from you by trusted confidante but then also all of our guests that we have and it's almost like the members of the sounding board are doing like a mini podcast every week and a happy hour podcasts discussion group. Which just not recorded. I really like that in this community. We have certain people we go to for advice or guidance. And then when we go on these dates we have their voices in our heads. It's like well janice do janice say was shielded do will say what would you say so. It's kinda cool. You have a team of people supporting you. Even though you're alone on this date with another person you've got a whole team behind you supporting you. i do have to share of a vestige that i got about the podcast. That was actually very surprised because i did not know this. I was listening but actually it's an ex. No it actually came from my aunt and she wrote to be the best. I gotta read this to you i. It's so good. I've been saving it for you so you can have a reaction but she won. I'm at right. No no my other side. Dad's side and my my sister-in-law does listen religiously shutout to hannah. No you're listening. She is like she's like. I'm a japan by birch. I could send you. She's like. I want to support you. It's so cute but my aunt sent me this email. She did say. I could read this out loud. The subject title is dink this or a few weeks ago. She said hi. Julie both like her and her husband as well as your mom and dad were dink's before you my cousin were born. That was a phrase from the the early and mid eighties which chance also checked us on that. This was not a new phrase right our age that we did not know the fate for stink. Then she said this is the best. Archie goes however. How can you be double incomes in on a dating website. Unless you've been open marriage glad to clarify old phrase so which is true but that we had our back and forth and she actually shared that she's been listening to the podcast. My has actually been fighting cancer for like the last couple of years. She shared that. She's been like sharing it with her oncology nurses and it's brought a smile to their faces and a lot of them are single themselves and it's just like a made me so happy that like we were able to like connect people in even that way you know like i think that is the power of this. Podcast is beyond just romantic connection. It's just connection in general. What's her name. Aunt cheryl on cheryl. I'm listening they ring up that point. I think that's a really good point. Why would you be a dink and beyond the dating app dual income. No kids janice also brought this up. She's like is it a sink single income. No kids sink. I'ma seok single income one boom. We talked about this at our live. Stroh there was what was that of someone wrote about legs with a dog remember. Oh wait I would say it was a dim watt. Can you be inc no income. No kids so many so many options here well cheryl thank you so much for that and we'll try to keep this as pg possible. But you know now. Julie's going to have to watch the stories. Actually i know i love brought me back. Where other side of the family member where we did that. Live show in new york. A punch of the audience was like my other her sister. My sister-in-law i was like. Oh the whole chris. Sarah love it so at least end of the day. I know that we have nobody else listening table. We've got julie's family. Yes at least five people. From julie's family are listening so at least half five listeners. At all times that gives me a peace of mind. Okay that is so lovely. These these messages are so odd. Because you never know who's listening. It's so weird like we give messages all the time from people. We had no idea that yeah act in a certain way or if the topic was super interesting to you so you send us all the messages especially if you're related to. I mean i get a lot from my co workers too. I was like ought to be the one guy like message from the uk. Shutout to gabriel. If you're listening. And i've been really enjoying the podcast lately my cool you're listening also like cool.
00:15:09 - 00:20:03
Make sure i don't talk about you more like make sure. Don't talk about wildly inappropriate but like you said. We only do what we could do. Wildly inappropriate. okay. So i feel like people are coming out a covert and they're going on these imprison dates my partner and i went on an imprison day last night and we absolutely sat in the date section. Because everybody around us was on a first or second date. That was my guess because a little bit awkward. But loomis sexual you that goes right. The drinks are flowing. You're getting a little awkward. But i was a little shocked. Because i haven't witnessed in real in person dates for a while and the table next to me. I stopped eating and talking to my own boyfriend. 'cause their conversation was so intriguing she kept talking about the the guy says she stated in the past like she was oh. The hottest guy dated was a youtube star and he data this other girl and he chose her over me. And then there's this other guy that was like in finance and she just went off on a history of heard. I dunno dating past resume. Resume her somme and the guy just kept asking more questions. He's like that's interesting that's interesting. He was also trying to get at like. What are we doing on our next day. Strong so i thought that was like a little bit weird or is this something that people are doing now. Because you haven't talked about your access a wild this is your chance is like talking about youtube. Stars dated is like scribes a so l. a. to me that's all i took it is so fucking l. a. i was like if she mentioned a tiktok star. I'm stopping this right now. I'm so mixed us like kinda turned off if someone went down there dating resume with me. Especially like the way you're describing it. The more i think about things like i really don't wanna have the x. Condos like super early but if you do it gets like what did you learn from this. What did you take away. How is it gonna show up different in our relationship like there's no reason to stay in the past and just like talk about touch your girlfriends about that someone that you're trying to build a relationship with yet but what i thought was different about this conversation's as she wasn't talking about her access she was talking about the dates. That we're able or name-dropping. Maybe it's an la dating thing. May ross checking off the box making sure that you didn't date his co worker or brother or something. I don't know maybe it's cross-referencing la listeners. And they are not my family so please right he did tell us. Tell us what this regular la dating is like this couple. That was on the other side of us. They were not talking at all. He just kept smelling her hair. And saying i love the smell of your hair. I can just smell this all. They did all night was him leaving over to smell her hair. What okay well. I thought silicon valley strange. But i guess it's everywhere we know. It's every la differently. I'm sure there's plenty of normal daters not saying that you know. I shouldn't use the word doorbell. If you want to smell. Someone's here maybe they're gonna hear smelly vanish. Knock yourself out as long as both people are on board at one person's like why spell about here that it gets weird. Well i'm just going to be talking about the tiktok stars that i've dated in the past. I think that's what i've learned. Is you name drafts. Make it up to make it up. That no one's going to verify right right. How could they ever. It does bring us to our question. Our questions agreement so we like to try our best giving some dating advice to all these questions that gay emailed and dm to us and this is a question that was sent in by a few people. So i'm going to try to consolidate its been virtually seeing someone during covid and now that we're coming out of the pandemic we're about to have more impersonal dates and i like to progress this relationship. Ford how do i have the d. tr conversation defying the relationship conversation. Coming out a it and knowing that most of our relationship has been virtual interesting. I'm so mixed on the dtra. You are very yes style. I buy personal experience. I haven't really had them that often. They've just naturally become that it got to the point where it was so obvious that it was an exclusive relationship. But it was kind of like. Oh you're my girlfriend right like we may simply been that way personally. I'm not a huge. Dt are person but if people feel the need dt are than. I think it's really coming from like. Is this going to make you feel more secure on it or like maybe the first step is like why do you need to are.
00:20:03 - 00:25:02
Maybe that is the first question that you need to ask yourself like. Is it that you feel like you need a tr. Because that's the thing to do is that you feel insecure is that you want to like maintain kovic safeties still. 'cause i think there's nothing wrong with saying like if we're gonna like sleep together. I wanna make sure that you're not sleeping with other people. I think that's different than even dtra. I think that's just like a precaution. In a way the whole virtual to non virtual is very interesting to me very tricky. Personally i don't believe like i i might offend some people by saying this but even if you've been talking for months and months virtually i don't know if you've actually had a first date yet i think like every situation is different so maybe it will automatically translate into that but i just don't know if you can make that assumption until you do it so i would probably suggest to just have that first date not have the dt our conversation and see how it flows and then if things are just naturally like at the speed of whatever you were doing virtually venue can start to bring it up as things. Progress more in person. I'm just gonna take a wild guess here. But i think these questions stem from our obsession with counting the number of dates that equates to some sort of definition of a relationship but i mean as we hear this from so many people. Oh we've been seeing each other for six months. Well no like that's not actually a a a measurement of like the longevity of your relationship or we've been on eight dates while eight virtual dates where you didn't talk about anything. Deeper doesn't actually equate to eight dates. So stop throwing the number. I think that's i think what's more important than a d. Tr's dtp define the progression gas. Love it. I think ultimately with the dt are what we want to hear. Is we want to take this relationship to the next level and that doesn't need to be like are we monogamous. are we exclusive. Are we boyfriend girlfriend. We girlfriend girlfriend or boyfriend boyfriend. Who cares you're the label does not matter. It's about the progression. I really enjoyed our virtual dates during pandemic. now we can hang out in person. Would you be open to hang out more in person or week. Would you into taking a weekend trip. That's progression i'm a big fan of the dtp. I also feel like same with you julie. The virtual dates there. They shouldn't be called dates me there. It's a misnomer. We can't label them. As that they are meet and greets they are friendly calls. They're they're hang out sessions. But they're not really dates. And celeste less. Just not counted as that. It's really hard to go from like so much. Virtual meet up to like in person and all of a sudden just feel like translates over. I mean it definitely can like. I'm just looking at like even are sounding board members right like when i met jason one matches before but keep in in some of the other folks the other week when we surprise people it did feel like we had known them for a very long time. But i think there wasn't an expectation there like a little different. I think when you're going in from virtual dating to now we're meeting in person and we're we're gonna be together. It's going to be official. That's a lot of pressure expectation. When you haven't seen how you vibe in real life can i just say a confession right now. I was a little nervous meeting sounding board members the other week because i did knows going to be awkward. And that's why. I told julia was like as soon as we say. Hi we say by. Because i hate lingering. The awkward silence thank god. There was none of that because everyone was super cool and we jived well. I think that also can happen dating to you. I've so well over over video and then in person. It's like awkward silence. What do i say next. I don't know i get really nervous about that. Yeah i think just take each date at a time just like see what you unfold and also the other side of thing why i personally don't like dt are is that like. I want also feel like in it with someone in not making this like call too early to like define something before. I actually even know them to the fullest. Yes like he's halla. Yes exactly the whole story like you know. It's just a joy the bogut. I think so much for overthinking trying to put labels on things like by no means am i saying you should date someone for like years and years and never have a conversation of what you are but i think going from a virtual day to it in person does not need to have this conversation. Yeah i agree okay. Let's do a update from our partners. Really quick this episode is brought to you by fem to see. Have you ever considered erotic audio stories as part of your self care routine. Well it should be fem to see is an online streaming platform with a collection of short erotic audio stories for women. The stories are ethically produced a narrated by both male and female voices and to make even more fun.
00:25:02 - 00:30:01
You get to choose which voice. He want to narrate the stories my favorite. You don already. Is holly from australia. Because she reminds me of my sexy front who has the best sex stories. And if you know me well. I really enjoy wild and raunchier stories but mtc also offer stories on the sweet and romantic side to listen to your fantasies and take time for yourself on them to see dot com there over five hundred. Audio's lucidly for you to deepen the connection with yourself to celebrate. Womanhood and international masturbation on to see has dropped their prices. Now you can get your subscription for only ninety nine cents per month or ninety nine for the year just had to fantasy dot com and start listening to your fantasies fantasies again. That's f. e. m. t. a. s. y. dot com. This episode is sponsored. by better. help we dateable are huge fans of therapy in better help to match you with your own licensed therapist and connect you in a safe and private online environment me. For example i was able to start communicating with my therapist in less than forty eight hours so quick. Now better help is it'd to facilitating great therapeutic matches and it's more affordable than traditional offline counseling. They're licensed professionals specialize in everything from dating trauma stress anxiety trauma with a big t. A depression grief you name it. They have someone who's an expert in that we dateable wish for all of you to live a happy healthy life and that's why it's a listener. You'll get ten percent off your first month by visiting our sponsor at better help dot com slash dateable join over one million people who have taken charge of their mental health again. That's better help. Spelled h. e. l. p. dot com slash d. a. t. a. l. e. Okay so shall we hear it. Let's kick it off with janice janez. She's in her forties. She lives in calgary canada originally from canada her status. I love it. She says she's pandemic king word. That's the that's the do status of relationships. Are you single or what. no. I'm making dinner. Janice tell us about. I guess what pandemic means and your daily life has been like over the pandemic means a lot of virtual calls a lot of phone calls and basically a lot of stuff that is not leaving the house. That's fair you found us during the pandemic and help us shape our facebook community so has the community shaped your perspective on love and if so how has it done that for you. Yes so. I have shared in the community that one of the things that i think is super super important is having a gold standard so we cannot date people that we do not believe exist. We cannot seek partners. If what we believe is the kind of partner that i'm looking poorer literally is not of this planet. So being part of this community has really helped me get evidence every single day. That the kinds of partner that i want exists and i know they do because they're in this group unicating a certain kind of way exploring the emotions in a certain kind of way stepping forward with vulnerability in authenticity and i am heterosexual so that specifically relates to men. We often say men are not touch with their emotions. Men or not communicated manner this manner not this man or whatever. It is actually evidence every single day. That i'm in our community that these things are just false because there are men. They're doing all of these things. I love that. I remember there was supposed in the community that was like why all men sock. Why don't good man exists. I've ever janice uv. Like here's an example of ten people in this community that are freaking amazing and it's holy is the truth like when you are when you're evidence seeking you'll start to see things that support whatever view it is so when you can turn that into a positive that's just so much more productive and not false positive you because they're real. It's someone else who is. It's not me sticking post it notes on my mirror saying he's out. Here's here's ten or fifteen. Men that actually embody literally those very qualities that in seeking so you're saying the gold standard doesn't need to be someone in your life who's romantic interest is the gold standard of the people. You surround yourself with so when you do seek a partner.
00:30:01 - 00:35:13
You have a very high for them. Exactly do exactly anything. The way that i interact with our community members is that way to and so it is not only evidence from the outside. But it's evidence from the inside. I'm communicating in a way. That i want you. I am having difficult conversations. I am challenging people's opinions in having my opinions challenged in ways that do feel really authentic and respectful in kind and yet we can still have differences of opinions and we can see new things and we can learn new things. So i think that gold standard actually is probably better if it is not a romantic partner is surrounding ourselves by the kind of people that were seeking and giving us the opportunity to be more of the kind of person we want to be in that religion So how has that changed you coming out of the pandemic like i guess. When you're dating new people like have. Are you feeling like oh. This is great. Because i'm now meeting people of that standard. Or i could also see being the other way being like. Oh there's so many people out there but these people aren't meeting my standards. What's been your experience. I think it's given me a little bit more confidence. Just to set aside the ones that are not and so it has actually always been something that i feel a sense of over responsibility about so if somebody uses phrases or sentences that i'm like i feel like i must have done something to make them say that and at this point i can just stand in that confidence that you know somebody jumps through a sex on the second tax that that probably wasn't me that's just handling it. We can move forward. Because i don't think that any of the gentleman in our group actually i haven't got a sex from any of them for thoughts but actually it has given me something where i can think. Okay would tony. Talk to somebody laying this. Would some of the other men talk to somebody like this on their second tax. No they would not so. It doesn't mean that. I inspired that comments in the person on tinder that i can actually hold to higher standards end to set them aside and i also have actually met people in this group because we have such a similar mindset. I can actually work. Through some of those early dating challenges. I can met partners with them and send them tax and it doesn't turn into something where it is criticizing your shutting down or laughing at the other person. It is really not internal look at okay. Is this behavior. Something that's gonna be magnified ends three to six months later. I'm going to be wondering what the heck happened. So i'm actually working literally with some of the members to vet my partners to be more dateable. I loved i also love the shift of mindset. That's happened for you. And i think this is really important. We've talked about this before it's like when you don't have this community you don't think that other people are going through the same things as you. You often take it personally and feel like you're doing something wrong why it's a victim of like why doing like me. Why did the people i like. Don't like me back. And i think what i've heard from you. It's like no. This is them this. Is this person. I know what i'm looking for. Because i see people that embodied those traits if this person can't meet those they're just not right for me. It's not that they're a bad person right. they could be right for someone else. Totally i think the number one biggest thing i've gotten from dateable is really flipping dating into do i like myself when i'm in the energy of this other. Yes and i tell you that. I did not think that way before i was looking at my attracted to them am i do. I think they're funny at sarah now. I'm actually really in space. Where do i like my energy. When i'm with them because i like energy when i'm with people from the group it feels very natural authentic not forced vulnerable etc and so when i'm intersecting in interacting with the date i better feel that same sense of being comfortable with myself in if i don't that's just not a good partner in it doesn't matter what they said or what they did. It probably has nothing to even do with that is just not a any genyk that And as we're coming out of this one year of being hermits and our remember we've spoken to you several times as winter has been. Not the kindest in calgary so even like a walking date or outdoor days sort of out of the question but as the weather becomes warmer. We're coming out of the pandemic. What is the one thing. You're looking forward to the most when it comes to dating. Have a hard time answering that question. Has we have shut down again. So they actually said that. Were shut down until two thirds of people get vaccinated which is going to be like summer so actually the best person to answer that question yom because we're still we're still in this okay.
00:35:13 - 00:40:03
What about if we have a magic ball and everything is not. What would you say that. I was quite specific about the kinds of activities. I would do on a date prior to this. And i really learned to the pandemic that those relationships that i can foster develop digitally on the phone through facetime video. Those are a great read higher to ever getting in person. So i think that we do have something especially on online dating. We do want to meet up with the person. We don't want to waste time. But i think investing even more in up fronts screening tools in recognizing that what you see is what you get there too because these relationships from the dateable community have all been digital in their genuine friendships that we have been able to nurture so. I think that i really didn't. I underestimated how valuable that is on the front. End togeth- some own. Get somebody on video. Yeah i think one theme. I've heard through this whole thing. Is that like the friendships digital connections. You've made from this community. That are platonic a lot of that is going to apply to how you move forward romantically again. Your words like why do you think having that community. The sensible longing is essential to the relationships too. I think the to happy hour sessions. That really stand out for me. That did not have guests were win. We did work around anxiety in fears. So in the sounding board we get the bonus podcasts and those were two episode themes and they really stood out because we had a small group of people that sat on screens made eye contact with each other and we express our deepest fears or exile eighties. And i just remember thinking. Oh my god. I'm not alone no matter what someone said that someone else in the room felt it that someone else understood it. We didn't need to even talk about the depth of what that experience was like. We all related to it. And so. I think it's actually given me the confidence to understand that. There's not a single person who's going on a date who does not feel fear or anxiety and we may have it at different points in the process so i don't tend to feel a lot of anxiety up fronts. I get laden. It was great to hear from people who get a lot of anxiety before i state or a week in or two weeks in Getting a stronger sense of compassion and understanding and recognizing that the feelings that i have of fears and anxiety and some of those more negative things or just normal. We all right. It makes you a lot more empathetic for the people you're going on dates with to like even if the date isn't like a slightly you know like a home run on date one but there's enough there you could be like. Bbs persons nerve is like maybe you know it is worth that second shot. I think to not just jump to block into lead or coming up with reasons. Why this person's doing most of the time. Probably the reason is some sort of theoretically diety and the right coping mechanism or not the best strategy of communications. You cover that up. And so i think that the community has really Literally never once in my entire life even with all the self work. I've done in the yoga teacher trainings and conferences. For self help and self development it never ever ever had the experience sitting in a room where people just confidently drop their fears on the table on the table and no one leaves and no one checks out and no one says anything negative really. It's me to new props to you janice for setting the tone for this group and for showing us your visa card your vulnerability card like no other. I think that's why others feel that. There is a safe space for them to drop it all on the table. Rock tony tony tony. A thirty two years old curly in new york city has been there for eight years originally from the nyc he single but it out that you've made this new status in their shit out. Okay like the rest tony. Tell us about your dating life during the pandemic. What has it been like. I think one of the things that came from the pandemic is i guess more honest conversations and i'm not saying like i was dishonest beforehand but i was always more closed off so like the really interesting thing with having phone calls or facetime dates.
00:40:03 - 00:45:05
It led to just more like brush off all the. I don't wanna say bs talk but it's not just like hey so what's your favorite color this weather especially now with current events especially in within the last year. It's kind of may for you. Can kind of can't get away from those conversations right so i think in a way. It's been better because of the has that led to you. You know like no way like this person isn't for me. i'm gonna cut ties when you've had those dirk. Yeah i mean. I think one of the things. I've been more open about is not wanting to have kids and it's one of those things where being after turning thirty s kind of those things where i can't just brush around with so i remember one time i did. This was like early. Pandemic like talking to someone and then like mentioned cisco so i noticed you said he didn't want kids like yeah. I figured once he kinda hit thirty you should have those conversations even may not bring them up right away. It's on the profile. And yeah we had like an entire conversation and definitely not say like we close off ties been in a way we did because we knew in that sentiment we were gonna want different things so it's like that's probably something that we probably wouldn't have had if it was pre pandemic like meaning we'll probably spend the first couple of days getting to know each other in the more different way but since you know you kind of want to focus on time and what is it that you're looking for those conversations have definitely happened earlier so basically not being afraid to talk about things that matter to you in the beginning even before meeting up just so that we don't go in the cycle of day after day and not getting to these questions so like three months in and then you find out and then you get the fuck out. You're like i know her favorite color. But i don't exactly exactly and then what about the dateable community. How has this community shaped or changed your perspective on dating in love. I think it's always easier here. Someone's point of view. That's not like a friend of yours or or like a family member 'cause certified that you always have this pressure of getting into a relationship quicker win. Your friends are in a relationship or engaged. they're married but like having to speak with other singles. It's a lot easier to have like okay. Cool like. I'm not the only one who thought this way or feels this way. And yeah like even whenever we have like happy hours. We always or like the podcasts discussion. Let's say you have like ten or eleven people on there. Were all talking about eleven different point of views of the same topic so it kind of leg at least de stigmatize. Some of the that we would probably think it's weird at first but it isn't once he gets here. Someone's point of view in their reasoning behind. It has that carried over to like any dates. You've had like have you used any of that. Lake look at different perspectives when talking to romantic prospects to I've definitely even though. I feel like i am better at being emotionally vulnerable. I still always have like these tendencies to still make restrict myself in that aspect. So i've definitely been making a better effort in doing that within like my dates even though like i know there's always going to be this younger tony or always like to call myself. Blake three therapy tony. He wouldn't want to talk about a lot of things. So yeah like. There's going to be points where i so will sometimes still restrict to that aspect but knowing could at least be self aware and honest and realize like yeah i kinda fucked up here and how can i at least be more self aware about that at least that discussion. The beauty of this journey is that we're looking for incremental change not looking for overnight complete makeover and transformation and just knowing that in every moment any given chance you have the option to ask. How can i change this. Or how can i just be a tiny bit better or be a little bit more vulnerable in this moment. That's all you really need. It's baby totally. I think to being vulnerable is scary. Like i think it's hard for a lot of us it. I'd be personally. I've got it this out of our community to. Is that like if you like the baby steps of practicing even with people that are virtually. You don't even know that well you build that muscles so when it comes into other parts of your life as well. Yeah and i think that's always the tricky part. Is i know that it takes baby steps. But i still want to. Just you know get to that. Finish line quicker in practice that makes sense but mentally. But can we get to that because you're a perfectionist and overachiever did it. We figure that out. So that's always like. I always have to like sort of not not call myself out on that then realizing yeah i like i may not be able to verbalize much as i want to. But sort of at least say like. Hey no that's something. I struggle with but and willing to you know work on and continuously do even knows maybe like one or two percent.
00:45:05 - 00:50:01
I wish i could just go from one zero to one hundred. But i know that's not the case you know what's funny there so as we don't see it at ourselves because i see you toady is like one of the most self-aware by far that i know and i think a lot of people the community look up to you in that regard like i definitely hear a lot of people say that is your so even what you were saying like a lotta people couldn't even articulate what you just said so i think you need i give yourself some credit where credit's deserved you do. We just interviewed janice and she said her barometer of like figure out if someone's a good partner for her or not as she she would ask with. Tony say this. Would tony do this. You know what. Tony do so there. You go a little bit more patients. I know i. I love it so now that we're you know seeing a starting to see a light at the end of this tunnel. People are getting the vaccine. Things are reopening. How do you think you'll take like what you've learned in this last year. Through the pandemic through the group everything and apply that link to your dating life. Moving forward thinking mayenne just being more west harsher on myself which is always tricky. I know that if something doesn't work out it's not a big deal. And and i know one of the things i was thinking about was I know we spoke about this on the two weeks ago and the happy hour and one of my biggest fears is also one of my biggest things that i'm looking forward to which is being happy in a relationship but it is also fear so it's always the tricky perfect yeah. I'm really excited now. I want to do this. But i'm also afraid of it because i just i've spent a lot of my time to single so it's one of those things where i know it's not going to be easy and i think that's what makes it always challenging to know yeah. Everyone always talks about the positives of relationships. He talks about the hard work takes to just communicate with someone and open up so it is something that i'm trying to be more that saying enthusiastic about it because i am but it's just like there's going to be that small fears well so just trying to let go of that little by little. I think the fact that you actually are aware of that though and you've probably heard this through people the group in like just talking about fears and talking about you know all the work that comes released ships that setting you up so much better though for someone. That's not even thinking about that stuff. And i think sometimes like being single. I can totally relate to this is like i don't want to be single but then there is something comforting because that's the way of life you know sometimes so the fear of change just like weddings. Someone else in could be as like a big of a fair as being alone or something like the flip side of it right so. That's just something i'm like. I said just trying to be less harsh on myself with the progress that make. I'm just curious. What scares you the most about being in a happy relationship. It's i don't know it's it's one of those things where i said it just comes from like always being harsh on oneself where it's some days that they do deserve this and somebody and then it's just one of those an internal dramas that take place in. I know everyone does like having his point or another is just a ways the m. I willing to know that. Yes that happiness are gonna come with hardships because both right growing and getting to know each other in the process to really profound. Yeah i think like the fact that you're thinking about these things the fact that other people view you as the gold standard. That should be like in. I don't know easier said than done like a lot of times. We all have these internal struggles. I think a lot of people are like what next dating app should i be on. What should i do to tweak. My profile in my personal opinion is like the stuff. That's actually more impactful is deeper like getting to the bottom of your own shit. Basically then like how you can like your profile photo right. And i think i've always had that discussion with my therapist as well even though she can like value that i've made a lot of progress when we first started but she always knows she always has to like reaffirmed. The because she knows that. I'm the type of person that will always look like we. Yeah i promise but there's also more to be done. Can you stop thinking about like the more you have to make the more stuff you have to work on an appreciation progress made and that's just. Yeah so that's the that's like our constant discussion at least in the word happiness. I think is really tricky. Because we talk about people being deserving of being happy. but. I don't think anybody's deserving. I just think happiness is a part of life and you either choose to recognize it or you don't and i think we all have the ability to recognize happiness. Maybe that's just a different way of looking at it. But i i just feel like happiness is is there. It's it's out there. It's part of your life and sometimes we choose not see it and that's and that's okay. Sometimes this is a is a lot of pressure with the word happiness to be happy.
00:50:01 - 00:55:08
I think like if we can start being like how do i feel like do i feel alive. Do i feel fulfilled. You know all of that like maybe. That's a way to kind of be able to recognize the good. That's on a day to day. Yeah and it's also like recognizing that there's gonna be bad with the good and there's going to san happiness too but it's a i think that's why like one of my favorite movies and ever seen is like inside al. Yes yes animated movie. I yeah and is always like one of my favorite movies. Because it's like one of those things where the biggest dilemma is like. Sadness and happiness are always sort of interlock with each other and then it took until the end for joy realize like. Oh it's okay for there. It'd be sadness and like the entire growth of the character so it's also like realizing that as well and just being okay with that and just knowing that yeah it's gonna be rough but you know it's sort of. Is this something that you want. Actually that was just therapy. I think he turning this into very much welcome. I mean i think a perfect like next step for you. Going into the pandemic is just to enjoy the moment. Enjoy the present and choi take in the moment like on each date on each interaction whether that's with the community or what people you're dating like just kind of appreciate what is in front of you. I think that's a great way to kind of just keep building on for sure the woman who is also drinking her wine along with the rest of us just kidding during you i but she is a holding that wine so well right now. Her name is swannee. She's in her late thirties. She's been in san francisco for ten years or usually from malaysia and she's single and actively going on dates and drinking her align. What's what if these dates been like during the pandemic so start off by saying that I wasn't super actively dating during the start of the pandemic. I only started dating around like august. September and what i was noticing was that people were more noncommittal than usual. I think and i completely understand where they're coming from because the panama through so much uncertainty into people's lives that they're like. I'm not sure if i'm gonna be in san francisco. I don't know what job i'm gonna be and all that stuff. Not sure if i'm going to move out. Move to another state so i think that level of uncertainty in people's lives. It's completely understandable. A think that somewhat contributed to people being a lot more noncommittal when it comes to eating. But i like the thing that you know. People put themselves out there to dave in hopes of finding that special person and also in hopes that whatever happens during the pandemic with all the uncertainties that if you find that someone special you'll be able to work it out and figure something out together so yeah and then what what do you think is something that during the pandemic that you started doing in your love life that you never thought you start doing. I definitely got so move very vulnerable a video. Which never you know. Never know million here is like before the pandemic i wouldn't even entertain the thought of a video or a phone call before an in person and then here and during the pandemic talking about like deepest darkest fears and listening to somebody. Talk about there's an. I'm talking of a my over video and lake. Were basically like complete strangers in just met on video and we're super personal things like. Oh my gosh. Like i would never have done that before hand. So yeah that's definitely so these dates that you talked about like what types of dates were you actually doing the pandemic it a lot of video dates. Interestingly enough when i started going online to the september that was also the time when san francisco. It's like had the orange sky and the air all that status like we kept having to video dates because we couldn't go out so it's like yeah so it was like four video street without ever meeting this person but it was just mostly a lot of light walks in part. I briefed outdoor dining winds whipping. The'd watson the beaches sitting on a park bench like on each side of an each ends like with the real six feet. Yeah thank god. I feel like most people were doing that. That's oppressive Oh i was gonna say too. I think like my sir like my ability to be very vulnerable on those. Vod's i got a lot of trading. I think from this group were doing all these happy ours. Ray than all these podcast discussions. I'm just like wow these people that i don't know he lived in the different side of the country. Like we know so much about each other training for that and i just brought via into these deeds to oh okay it works.
00:55:08 - 01:00:07
Isn't that crazy that a lot of you haven't met like it's so i feel like i know you so well and we've never even met. You know knows somebody. But i guess that leads into like how do you feel the community has changed your perspectives. Or what have you learned from being part of the sounding board and the love. In time of kuroda group it definitely has made me feel less alone. And what i've learned is that there's so many people who are in in the similar situation. I am it helps to for me. At least it helps to know that there are other people who are in this situation and maybe so that we can co misery on visit. It's like sometimes like in these situations especially when you hit a certain age when all your friends are married with kids and all that like you kind of feel like the auto or like what is wrong with me. Like and i'm going on these dates and i'm trying to tell my friends about these and they're like. Oh maybe you should do this. X y and z. Or something. I know they mean well but they may not necessarily understand like modern dating Online dating and all that so it was just so nice to find this community that just even sharing experiences helps you feel less on and i think that's what we found and then just a sense of vulnerability in our group where people just are so just so open about sharing and i think it has really helped tight as through the lonely pandemic and then friendships built from there. So i'm like just super grateful for for everything that has happened with this group. Can you help paint the picture of your first time. Interacting with the community and the thoughts that were going through your head. The first time the for the first time i really interacted with the community was during the Ferry i town hall that you guys did. I think about this time last year on research on racism to start off with with just a both of you there was an openness to approaching Very difficult issues including issues of racism. In even like you're like oh. This is a dating podcast. It's supposed to be fun and all that stuff. But there's so many other aspects that come into dating including a lot of social issues which i i think i was just very impressed with the both of you. I because like you were not afraid to tackle these issues and bring it into the wider community by holding this town hall and then in this town home and then i realized that. Oh there's so many people out there who are also just so open and willing to share in. That's one of the things that i was so impressed that that openness to share information because it just cascades into making more people more open to sharing their information that's how we built connections and that's how he built friendships so i think that was my first impression of the group and then i think i really wanted to get to know people more because i i honestly feeling very only this time last year. Was you actually. That message me was like we should do happy hours. I really think it started with you. Actually yes who wants to do. It is odd and now now. It's funny that that was like how you started though. And now you're like it's taught me how to be vulgar. That's actually kind of nuts or do you think about it. That like the first impression is. Let's just all commiserate at our history but that's really not where it's gone it actually you. It is fair to about starting this group and it has like blown us away in terms of. Tom is definitely blow me away too. And i i think like when i approached you guys to start those happy hour that start the happy hours it was just a very very generic idea. Because i'm like oh so many other groups. I starting online happy hours. So why not this one unlike. Just throw it out there and just asked if it doesn't hurt to ask that's not one of my mottos in life is it doesn't hurt ask I just threw it out there and then and then it just cascaded into this so yeah like i said. I'm just very grateful for where a year leader worth thing ended up with this group. Yeah to be able to built friendships. Like have that kind of company. And i just remember like for thanksgiving and christmas to we had this group that came together just to like spend thanksgiving christmas together even if it was online so then asked for like emerging from the pandemic. How do you see things changing. Do you think you'll still do video whether that's what the community or video dates. How do you see that progressing as we emerge personally for me. I really love videos though. I never thought i would like it. But unlike the search or investment way felt like the videos have always been able to give me enough clue to be like.
01:00:07 - 01:05:04
Do i want to see this person in person and so i really really like it. And i'm i'm going to use this going forward here. We have ryan. He's thirty one years old from dayton ohio. He's been there his whole life and he's currently in a monogamous relationship or sense we know new. This is a new monogamous relationship that turned into and so that's a great segue into the first question. What has been your dating. Life like over the pandemic. Yes so went from being in a four year relationship at the start of everything to separating with that person finding dateable finding a community and really kind of like that rabbit hole of light self work and trying to make myself you know just a better version rediscovery after you're in a relationship for a while kind of trying to talk with people meet people super hard to do during a pandemic situation a lot of testing the waters finding out. What people's comfort level is being somebody who's immuno-compromised. It's kind of an extra level of consideration in the time like okay. Do i want to meet up with this person or not. It was really kind of more of a consideration of like do. I think that there's actually a connection there and then yeah about a month and a couple of weeks ago. I met somebody and seeing each other and it's been going pretty well. We are in an exclusive relationship. It's matt was on the live event kind of pop in. I love like the whole community. Knew him because they were just like. Oh yes excited to see it. But how did you guys meet. I don't think we actually have been asked you that before. Yeah how does one gay person meet another gay person under her. It's really funny. There's a comedian named matteo lane. He says they should have called a booth by the foot. Because it literally goes down to like the actual feet of where somebody is. And i think that's actually a better name for it but it's funny because we only live like five minute drive from each other so we've literally been in each other's backyard and it's so you're going to save five feet. Yeah no. he's my next door neighbor. It's great in my closet. That's that's how you beat fit. That's exactly what he's been in the he's up to multi level so before covid. Had you used dating apps like when you were in a before you are in a relationship or is this deal Yeah i think. I've always kind of used grinder. I mean was like the original It's so funny. Because we did one of those live happy hours where we were talking about different stats and and questions about like dating whatever and that was one of the questions that came up is was the original and i knew it right away a grinder and everybody came up with like oh tender You know okay. Cupid or whatever and i said i know it grinder started. I'll leave it to the gays to find a way to find each other. We did that Yeah but We we had reiner and like that was kind of the one that i was on originally and then i used tender at one point in time. And that's actually how. I met my ex on through tender but tender in like those other apps are kind of not great for me sometimes because it is hard because they'll connect you with people that are like one hundred miles away and it's like well this is not ideal for me. I don't want to have to date somebody after drive to our soc- assist not functional for me so going back to our dateable community especially the sounding board. How do you think this community has shaped your perspective on love yet it definitely. I think it's actually made me a little bit sterner. Because i've always been this like no give people the benefit of the doubt. You don't really know in like i'm always that person who's kind of just advocating. I think for like okay. Well maybe this is the situation. Don't jump to conclusions. whatever. I think it has taught me to which like i shouldn't always give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes it is it is good to have that mindset and get that balancing check because i always have a tendency to do that and i ended up becoming a doormat. I think sometimes which is not good either. So yeah i mean. That's one of the big things i've really pulled from. Having the unity there is checking me and rating the in on that too which thankfully. I haven't really had to do that with matt. He's always been very considerate very responsive and has really kinda valued my time in respected me through a lot of our interactions. Which i think is why you know we're we're at right now. Also right well. I think that's exactly it. It's like once you have that boundary. The people that are show up. We'll start to find their way through in the you'll have less tolerance for the other people and i think especially during a pandemic people have kind of gotten a little more rigid on some of their expectations.
01:05:04 - 01:10:09
Do you have any like situations where someone you could tell. Someone wasn't meeting that standard and you were like okay. I'm done. Yeah so we we love to talk about fuck always have you been guaranteed from fuck. I wasn't originally not not on purpose. I like had to find out the hard way. And i think we all have a moment like that but yeah Like he's a fine person. I just think that he was closeted So that person was it was just not meant to be but i did have a lot of not valued time and it was simply because like regardless of whatever is happening in that person's life value of base value like that person just would not show up when they when i had the expectation for them to Or they would set the expectation for them to show up and then it would fall through in. It's just like well. that's that's important to me And i think definitely being a member of the community and having people bolster that ideology really set that foundation for me to really hold that as a standard and be like no this is that is a requirement for me I have to have somebody value my time and a half to have somebody show up when they say they're gonna show up. Because i do that so why can't i expect that from my partner as well preach on. I love it. And now that you're in this committed monogamous relationship and you're both vaccinated at this point right. I remember saying that round was today we went together. I shot and say shots together of twenty twenty one. I don't what i mean. We still have to go to costco. And get our samples of that but when that day comes when you can get your free samples at costco and when you can run. Wild like everything was like before. Covid your relationship while you volve as well. Have you two had a conversation about how you're going to emerge out of the pandemic as a couple. Yeah i definitely think after we had our first acts nations. We started kind of meeting each other's people which like he's originally not from our area so he has some people in this area. But i i've only actually met one of his friends so far. He's met a couple of my friends and then actually easter this weekend. He met my family for some. That might be pretty quick. But i don't really ascribed to the like you have to have a time line thing. It's whatever is right for the two individuals in the relationship and in this case we just had an open dialogue about what works for both of us and he was not going home for his family for easter stuff. So i said okay. We'll the invitation open. Would you be comfortable with that or you know. What do you want to do. And he said yeah definitely So he came in my family this weekend so from there. It's just gonna be kind of furthering meeting each other in finding out how to work into each other. Schedules live a war somewhat. normal lifestyle. Now that we can start. Maybe doing that a little bit more. Not just like sitting on the couch eating order in doing that and win. Did this become monogamous. I guess i should have been my first question. So yeah i was. I think it was about two weeks a seeing each other matt kind of Prompted with just like. I don't wanna like scare you or anything. But i have thought about talking to you about whether or not you wanted to make this exclusive and you know if you want to be my like quote unquote boyfriend and i was like no. That doesn't scare me away. I'm in this to build a relationship with somebody. I d like spending time with you. So are you actually asking me that. Or are you thinking about asking that. And he said no. Yeah i mean. I i would like to ask that and so it's like okay. Yeah let's do it love it. I feel like there's just like this world of opportunity. now that's coming out like coming out of the pandemic. Yeah i'm so excited for you. It so exciting that you found someone throughout it in that you guys are kind of going into that next phase together yeah. It's really interesting to that. I know that we have that. Recent episode about age and i kind of had some limiting beliefs around that recently as well and i think it's taken me meeting mats and kind of seeing some of this stuff in real time that like really honestly what matters is the person how they respond to you how they act how they treat you what they bring to. The table is more important than it's really interesting. Because this topic has continued to come up in the sounding board and in the main group. And it's so weird to see just being discussed so heavily and i'm like oh yeah currently doing that and it's working it works so it's more what you start paying more attention to character and less about trivial things that like really honestly don't matter then you start finding things that are more important in in the people that you're looking at so you think this was a shift for you during the pandemic yes definitely for sure and i mean that's definitely something that came about because data will i think helping courage it per discussions about limiting beliefs and things before that and then you know that episode just had like a timely release and then it's just like oh.
01:10:09 - 01:15:03
Yeah this is very fitting. I can definitely really yeah. It's it's interesting that's kind of played out that way. Yeah heavy we are. We're super excited for you. Bat and keep us posted on how the relationship evolves in a post covid worlds and. Get your costco samples. Love that from ryan a love that he is proof that relationships can still come out of covid and they can still flourish after cove it. Because i think a lot of us worked on our communication skills of solidifying our values and standards during covid. So that now. We're prepped for much stronger relationships. Absolutely like i think one of my biggest takeaways is like be the person that you want a date. And i think this cova time gave us that time to reflect a guy actually heard quote somewhere that was like right down all the qualities you want in a partner in instead of finding a partner. Make sure you exhibit all those qualities because if you don't exhibit those qualities how can you expect someone else to and i think the reverse holds true to is like if you are a reliable person. If you are a consistent person honest person cut through the like. Don't stand for people that don't exhibit those values that you exhibit. Yeah and think about it you spend a whole year working on yourself right right and taking inventory of your previous relationships and thinking about what an ideal relationship looks like for you. Don't throw that out the door like this is not the time you spent a whole year on this. Don't let that progress stop. So what i'm hearing from everyone that we've talked to you is. They're taking it slowly. That's one major theme coming out a pandemic going into in real life dating. Just take baby steps. There's no need to go on all the apps and get all the matches and stack up your days one more time and make your dates five minutes long so you can cram them all in one day. There's just no need now that you know what you're looking for hopefully or somewhat or the feeling you're looking for take it one day at a time right. I think one of the best things that came out a cova dating is that there was less cereal. Dating going on young people were bore giving that one person shots. And i think i would love to see that. Continue post covid as well. Even when like you know. I think part of it was from. It's almost like cove was it s. Td in a way right. It's like you wanna be exposed to all these people. But i think even when you know this is under control. I don't think it's a good way to approach things like if things don't work out you can always get back on the apps. But i feel like i've always kind of been like we're not numbers people because it's so hard to really form a deep connection if you're juggling all these people at surface level yes yes. It's quality over quantity and that means so much more than just dating. It means everything in your life. Now that you've spent all this time working on quality. Yeah let's keep that going. And i think what i'm also hearing from. Everyone is that there's a new sense of control in their life in and it's like okay. I'm a survivor. And i we may through this together and if i can control of my life and i can steer my life in the direction that i want to. Why would i relinquish that power to someone else who doesn't tax me back. Who is go. See me who is ignoring me. Don't relinquish control because you worked so hard on getting back. Your control totally lake. I think like as someone that was single. During part of the pandemic it was very scary at first and then i think it became very empowering. Because you're like. If i could get through this on my own and i can be at one with by company again. I'm not speaking for everyone. i know. A lot of people really struggle with loneliness during the time. But i think that is also a sign of like what is it. That's really going on for you. And i think instead of turning to another person turning to yourself so that when you meet another person you're meeting them under like this is like someone i watch like share a life with not like i need to survive. He had you're not looking for someone to complete you. You're already complete just looking for someone to compliment you and if they don't compliment you you move on you have standards now and you can figure out who are the right people for you. So let's let's not forget that we have that power jerry. Maguire totally fucked us with that. Saying but i think the last takeaway i have is just like you know the vulnerability that people are willing to show nowadays.
01:15:03 - 01:20:02
I think going through something difficult has also reminded us to what really matters in life in a lot of what we heard in. These was like even through video connection. People were able to go deep whether that was like with friends of the sounding board or like potential partners that they were dating there was a lot of like kind of like the b s like. What's your favorite color. Where do you like to go on the weekends. Conversations going on in more of like the deep stuff of like what really matters in life. Like what am i looking for like. How do i really form a connection with this person. yes i think. Cove really put things in perspective for a lot of people now. You're able to prioritize what's important in your life. And i think for anybody listening to this. And if any of the people on on the last two episodes their journeys really resonated with you or you saw a little bit of yourself in them. Come into our facebook group find. These host continue the conversation with them. Know that you're not on this journey alone although we're all going through our own shit and we don't have everything figured out but know that there is always someone in this group who can. I don't know you're sounding board be someone you can bounce ideas off of and feel like you're not alone in this journey absolutely. I love that like whenever someone puts up post. There's immediately someone that response back. I've been in the same situation. And i think that's been something that's been so pivotal to our podcast too. I think like when you and i started like we thought every dating story was unique in. I remember being like. I'm the only one going through the situation where i go out all these dates. They don't work out and you feel you feel like something's wrong with you. But i think normalizing the conversation and realizing that it's just part of modern dating it eventually. Something gotta stick. I think what are the other takeaways. That i have to is like everything is a season. Like covert is a season. Like things are going to come out of that. So if you're single today you may not be tomorrow. You know it's like things. Always changing things can change really damn fast especially like as you get more comfortable of what you're looking for so i think wherever you are today it's okay and i love like this thought of like what is good. That is where i am today because the reality is whatever life stage you're in whether you're single or interrelationship there's going to be pros and cons so you might as well focus on the while you're in it. Yes keep on you. Volving palm progressing keep on learning. And then be kind to yourself. This is your you need to figure out like the best source of self care right now. We all went through something very traumatic. So take care of yourself and take care of the people around you all right. that's it. Thank you so much for listening to this to partner. We're back with our. I guess our regular episodes starting next week If you really enjoy our our show and we really enjoy having you as our listener. Please going to apple podcasts. And give us a five star review and maybe leave a comment or two. We really really appreciate it. We are so close to five hundred so close are we we are. We're like forty away so get on. It helps us size. Just forty four. Please please please pay forward. And we'll pay it forward as well. Okay we're going to wrap this up. Stay stay little. Dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more podcasts. You'll love frolic dot media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation. I follow us on instagram. Facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcasts. Tag in any post with a hashtag. Stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well. As articles videos in our coaching service. With vetted industry experts you can also find our premium why series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums also downloadable for free. On spotify apple podcasts. Google play overcast. Stitcher radio and other podcasts. Platforms your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable. Our goals aren't as out of reach as we once thought because things are coming back and if there's anything we've learned it's that there's no time like the present at us bank. We take the time to understand you to help get you to where you really wanna be by getting to the root of any financial obstacle. So you can move forward because side by side. There's no telling how far you'll go. Us bank we'll get there together. Equal housing lender member fdic.