When you're getting showered with gifts, attention or affection, we want to feel like it's the real deal. But how do you know that this isn't narcissistic behavior disguised as grand gestures? Have no fear, we're breaking down what love bombing really is with Dr. Diane aka Back to Love Doc.
From date talk to the dreaded 'why are you still single' question, we're chatting with storytelling expert Corey Rosen about how to craft your story in a way that bonds you with others. We discuss how to be an engaging conversationalist on dates, techniques to help with active listening, and how to own your story to make you more DATEABLE!
Learn more about Corey Rosen and get his book 'Your Story Well Told' https://www.coreyrosen.com/product-page/your-story-well-told
Thank you to our partners for this episode:
Rothy's: Check out all the amazing shoes, bags, and masks available right now at Rothys.com/Dateable
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S12E14: What's your story? w/ Corey Rosen
00:00:01 - 00:05:04
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
Welcome to another episode of dateable. A show all about modern dating where we stop and ask. Why do people do the things they do. You got to stop and ask all the time. Why people do the shit that they do. Why do they say the shit that they do and same to yourself. Why are the things that you all about. Communication and quest. That's what we're teaching here on the date curiosity. Yes all of our curiosity. I have to share said okay so this let's get into this episode is about so you can case people were like what wo- here they go going off on tangents again and this episode is all about storytelling. How tell your story. I'm sure we've all been in social situations. Were been on dates. When someone's like what's your story. So why are you still single or like. Why are you know why. Why are you on dating apps and things. Such an open ended question but there is a way to craft your story that not only tells everything simply but also reveals just enough about you. So you don't like your defending yourself. Because i feel like when i get asked those questions i feel like i have to defend by choices. Well there's something about that question that leads to defensiveness for. Yeah for sure. But i think i'm really glad that we were able to have corey. Rosen on this episode. He is not a david expert at all. He doesn't claim to be a daily expert. He is a storytelling expert and he recently wrote a book about story. Telling your story told which will go into this too. But i had the pleasure of actually taking his courses before and you a actually came. I went on stage and told the story. Do you remember that and you forget. It was like an open mike but for storyteller. But it wasn't because we'd like prep these stories for like months not months for like weeks. We had prep them for the time of the class. I always really just enjoy that stuff. Because i think it's a really good skill to fine tune in. You know obviously like crafting. Your y story of like who you are but also. Just you know as a conversationalist being able to like convers- well like in life on dates and whatever such social situation. But i remember like you and our other friend dab will give her a shutout came watched it at first i was like i advice anyway because of cut a scared of like let it out that i was doing this. You were like work coming. Yeah a drop everything you so good. Though i was so proud of you not only were you so comfortable on stage but the story you tell you so well formulated and it had such a great punch line. So let's where he teaches you. That's what he teaches you. 'cause i definitely didn't have that going in but i think we're not saying this episode. You're gonna have to come up with like the perfectly crafted story. But i think working those muscles just help you engage day to day better and have more fun as drew talking to people. The best part about all of this is that you what you think is mundane. What you think has really a great story is an awesome story to someone else. So you'll learn from corey how to craft something out of nothing. Yeah i think. Ashley that's important. Because i think especially during cova times a lot of things i've heard from people is what do i even talk about on the nothing's happened to me. I haven't done anything but things are happening every day. Like you don't need to be taking crazy trips around the world to have a conversation to talk about like it's all about just like your observations. And how do you like bond with someone. it's a really great communication skill. actually storytelling. And i've been trying to hone in on that communication skills for quite quite a bit now. I told i told julius before. Like sometimes it's hard to tell how i feel about a situation because i'm very good at giving poker face so i'm like trying to communicate a little bit better but i finally got into masterclass. Julie i like. I finally got on this. I subscribe to master class. And i started their most popular which is on negotiation. Now in this entire course. There are few sections on how to create empathy conversations. And if anybody's not taking this class let me just give you three of the tidbits. I learned and i think they're really great on dates. One is mirroring mirroring just means you just repeat what the other person just said. So julie said i had a really great time Going to on the moon rise it was just such a fun and unique experience.
00:05:04 - 00:10:01
And if you're listening to the story to mir her all you have to say as oh it was a really fun and unique experience and it as a question. Yeah and what that does. You didn't ask how you didn't ask why what it does just gives julie the permission to keep going and revealing more about herself at love that because you don't have to do much but i know a lot of people on dates are like dis these questions. What questions do i ask. How do i sound more interesting. Remember the most interesting person in the room is the most interested. That's all you need to show. Yes yes i love that because then you're also not thinking in the future like i think we like. Sometimes this happens you want to come up with the best question you want to show your interest and then you basically already been listening to the story that somebody you're just reiterating and it's like if you just try it people just keep going. They can keep revealing more and more layers themselves. The second it is called labeling. So what you do is you. Listen to julie's story and at the end you say something like oh it. Sounds like you really enjoy the outdoors or sounds like you really enjoy romantic activities. So you're putting a label to the story so that julie can then say I never really thought about that. But i yeah. I do really like romantic dates. I like that. It's really. I really love and the very the very last hip i will give people is. I know we encourage people to ask why in other great question to ask is how yes. She'll be set. this the how how. It's actually really neat because when you ask why. People can't get defensive. So why do you like romantic dates. But if it's how how can we create more romantic dates that in both of you and it doesn't put the other person on defense. I love that. I love that. When you said that you were gonna take the masterclass. I thought you were gonna say master data. That's where my by. I guess you could do this with yourself. Hey to one-star basket class master date. Yeah learn how to talk to yourself. I do it all the time. I am a pro. wanna call. There was the best review that i saw the other day of ed. That said that from listening to this podcast. I became a better bastard. Dater an of master cub new is like are they talking about masturbating masturbating solo. Dating for the record. I kinda love it. that it's like are inside joke. You got it or you don't but we also realize that this word has been around since twenty fifteen. I think we thought we like pegged it that we're like. Oh actually there's an article from twenty fifteen. I'm not taking credit for the creation of the word. I'm just taking credit for making the word viral. That's all brought it back. We brought it back. Just like dink. We brought uptake now. It's relevant again. it's all you know. It's like fashion things. Just come back. Recycle yeah the mom jeans from the night live fuck. I cannot get behind that behind. I try julie. I tried many pairs at the store. This weekend it was not good. I looked like a mom. I'm ok dot being gen z. I've realized that. I guess when you're thirteen and you were mom jeans. You will never look like a mom but when you're forty and you're mom you look like a mom like are they on trend or they just because she's a mom and i would just look like i'm just a mom. Yeah well it's the crop top bob. Gee i don't know. I'm still not i'm not on the track can't do it can't do it either. We're show at our age with age comes wisdom right. We're wise enough to be like that is not a good luck. Julian we just keep telling ourselves fat. That's all but i am going to be like a kid tonight. Because i am going on a ferris wheel the big ferris wheel a golden gate park that they put up during covid time. So i'm going on a date on the ferris wheel. And i'm very excited about how fun that's going be so fun. So how does this work. Exactly i'm just picturing one of those like ferris wheels in the middle of vegas with a bunch of drunk people in a car. Like how are you separated from show everyone. Has you have to reserve cart aso the vip experience. Oh avenue so. I think you get a nicer cart like it's like leather that you also get to stay on it longer so i was all foreign. Yep whether it's going to be rowdy people next to us there. I have no idea. I'll report back. But yeah i think they like limit like six or eight people per one. But we'll say can you do like some hanky panky on this thing or their cameras. I don't know i don't know. Can you test it out for us julie. Just asking for friends as like. I might have to book. The she's like. I wasn't thinking about during the ferris wheel next evacuate sf. I'm booking entering a blanket.
00:10:03 - 00:15:01
Well that sounds like fun. That's going to be a great time. Yeah i'm excited very excited. What are you gonna wear. What's that life is exciting. This figure that out after this recording. I feel like getting dressed for dates. The stay at age is very difficult like this happened to me. Last weekend i was like okay. Wanna wear something cute like address or something. I just wear like. I feel like i've worn on these dates. Like yoga pads like all the time like it's really the best luck Before kobe would dress up you know. So it's like okay. How do you balance walking dressing up and being outside like how do you balance all three. It's a very difficult to pull off. It's very difficult. That on top of i wear a lot accessories and i don't know how to put the mask over my accessories and take it off and on. There's a lot of first world problems. Yeah with dating apparel. But it's still fun. We're still keeping a fun right guys but the reality is if you're a first date most likely all they're to seize your coat anyways you just got to invest in a is really the the story i think so too a really cool like yes nice. Classy coat can always wear case. I was teasing julia before we recorded. That have a really good story to share with her. Yeah okay so you never know when you're going to run into dateable listeners. Like you just don't know right because we are talking out into the abyss and we don't know who's really listening on the other side until you tell us that you're listening. I been purging a lot of stuff cleaning out my new place and i was selling something with market and word this right before this. Just let in yes. This person just came over to grab my vacuum cleaner and he was like hey facebook marketplace you can see everything about the person who just click on their profile. He's like hey. I noticed You do dateable. i'm like yeah i do. He's like oh. I just moved from san francisco and a bunch of my friends. Listen to dateable especially on shaw. And i'm like wait until we know we love her. She's great he's like oh yeah she's she's one of my good friends and we've been on this like re all listen and talk about dateable. Oh my god but to see can we give out or is. He shy shawl social but with a k. Kosheh yes thank you. Coastal i love it. What small wonders laura. He's a neighbor. He just moved here from san francisco like what are the chances so just saying though he could've picked someone else's vacuum cleaner. Probably seeing you are there with the vacuum cleaner that probably sealed the deal to go with. Yes i sold a vacuum cleaner. The vacuum cleaner. Did i agree someone. that's the same. Make good bottle. That lives next door to you. And he's he's announce on now. Go the dateable girl but i was shot out to onshore seen in a while. But we miss you and it's always so find to catch up with you so we're gonna like face message you right after we record today. Let's say i love it. You know if we'd only done this intro half an hour earlier we've made out of every you wouldn't miss this chance encounter with cultural love it. What else what else is new before. We dive into this episode. She we get into our question then. Yeah i'm trying to think if anything else is interesting has happened this week. Dot really yet. The funds are good. Things are good. I've been cooking. Gobble bills for date nights. Do just been really selling though so i have loved them. I got caitlin. She said who are two of our readers host like we're like texturing all about gobble meals. It does look really good. Yeah it really damn good. It's like restaurant quality but anyways not that exciting but just thought i would bench. This episode is brought to you by gobble. We turned it into a sponsored message. Gobbled up come back. Come back you miss you old. You're the one that got away. Hey i'm still still supporting every week. Yes you are yes you are. You're spending back the money that they gave tie twenty losing money under. Thank you very much coppell. That's the conclusion before we go into our question and stuff like i think. Last week's episode had just such overwhelming response. I think people loved talking about love bombing. There were so many great covets. The facebook group people. That were like question today. I think the one percent narcissists really.
00:15:01 - 00:20:01
I think a lot people were shocked by that stat. Because i think people throw that out all the time i'll give a shoutout to amy sharp. Who had a really great post. She liked posted actually from british columbia beautiful scenic picture and people were like. Oh i wish. I was listening to the podcast there but she really good point that maybe wonder it's like why is the word love in love bombing because this isn't love this manipulation. Who on youtube. If you're on youtube right now you can see that. Sure such a great point. Why is the word. Love in love bombs makes up these terms. That's what i wanted. Who is the best i mean. I guess we've made about so that to just some random person. Hatri are some random person of bobby. It became it. But i get why it's called love bombing because it's like overwhelming acts that come up too fast too soon in tim. Actually tim huey one of our most dateable contested. Then he had he had some really good like feedback about just like wanting to know a little more like what makes i think he was like. I am having a little hard time with the connection between like buying someone roses and that's love bombing and i think that makes sense too because i'm sure there were a lot of. There's probably a lot of people out there that want to like put their best foot forward and they don't want people to think they're left bombing so it's like i get where he's coming from. It's like okay like i thought. Roses were dice. Douse of what's gonna think of love. Bobby like what is the line. And i was thinking about it too and i think it's not necessarily the action or the gift. I think it's like where does the stem from does it feel impersonal. Does it feel like they're. They're doing it because they want to give to you or does it feel like they're doing it for their own self worth i think. That's like the distinction. I think if someone gave roses and they genuinely like wanted to give the rose like. I don't think it's the rose that's the problem and i don't know if that's like the best answer because it's still ambiguous but i think it's like the intention behind a little more. Yeah i think. Tim brings up a really good point. Where the episode. We do focus quite a bit on. If you're on the receiving end of lung mommy what he do. But how if if you're the one giving out the gifts and affection how do you draw the line so that the person you're giving all your affection to doesn't think your love bombing and just think back on all the times that i've been loved bombed and the the line i really believe is have you had a conversation about what matters to this person and i think i personally think it is a i think flowers are really great but if it's our first date and we didn't have any prior conversations about getting flowers for no reason it's kind of it's kind of like a lot right but if i've said to you in a text message or in conversation i love getting for no reason gifts or for no reason flower a then it then. There's a reason for those gifts so it has to come from meaning that you that both of you share or have liked discovered totally. I actually recall a conversation. I had with someone that he wanted to bring our candle to his first like as a gift. The whole yet i was like don't do that don't do that. There's no neon he's like. But i like to give gifts on the first date and i'm like it makes it feel like you're putting this person on a pedestal in not just getting to know someone. If you guys had a date you talked all about candles and how much she loved candles and then you brought the candle. That would make sense. 'cause there's context but there's no context here and that's when it comes off it what it does is now says like do i have to do something back for you like it it makes it more like transactional and it makes it more like. I don't know there's something about that. That can feel overwhelming to people so he. That's a really great example. I'm glad you brought that up because it goes back to. Tim's question to win. Someone says oh. I like to do this on first. Dates i like to bring flowers on the first three days. I like to give a lot of gifts. You are not speaking with your date mess. Center this action. You're saying this is what i like to do. But when it comes to affection and gift-giving. Shouldn't it be about the other person you do. This on every first date honestly doesn't make the other person feel very special because you love doing it with everybody. That's a really good point. Like i think it's the i vs use center and it's like are they like if you're doing it out of place that you're trying to get them to like you versus you're doing it out of a place that you know bill really enjoy this. Yes yes yes queen watching too much. Oh my god we have it episode covered for you all for that. That was still laugh idea at this week. That was oh. Wait where sorry to tease your tuesday. Big time if you've watched fraud city there's a certain scene that stands out.
00:20:01 - 00:25:04
That may give you a clue to what we're talking about. Yeah the last thing. I want to touch on from what tim said. Oh really quickly was the use of the word normal in like one is the normal pace of a relationship in phase and he did call out like maybe the word normal shouldn't have been used. I a hundred percent agree with him. And like i think. Like for instance right now. The person i'm seeing is like things have moved pretty fast but it doesn't feel like love bobby. The slightest so it's not that lake. There's no normal pace. There's no like you see someone once a week. Not said like it doesn't have to be so calculated so i do think like i. I think that we as host to and something will be conscious of is like then that were doorbell comes up. Whether it's in the context of dating or fetishes or whatever it may be like that word. I think that word needs to be put away. Yes i love that. Thank you tim for calling us out. And because of you we are deleting normal from going in the graveyard. Go to the really our day now. There's no such thing as no such thing as normal so yeah. Let's dive into our question if you've been with us for a while you know we've sorry this new segment all about nude about you. Gotta you gotta go back a few episodes for that. Yeah and other joke. You gotta either no or you. Don't be listening to dateable. Every week is the moral of the story and be in the face. Cul the face of up. Yeah exactly talk to your friends about it chewed. Dm find us on facebook. Marketplace sewing shit a month needs to go to love at the time of current anymore. Just hit us up on facebook marketplace. I know and you need a toaster does asking So the the new segment is all about answering some popular dating questions that you've all sent us and now we have a platform to address them so this question is a very common one. We've heard which is when you're on a date and someone asks you so tell me why are you still seeing. How do you answer that. This was a tough one. I do agree at like sets up for judgment almost. But i think what i would say is like you know. I haven't found the right person yet. Like keep it vague optimistic. Like i don't think you need to like use this as a reason to like your whole like slew of dirty laundry. Unless you're at the point that you're comfortable sharing your past with someone but if it's like a really early date i think you can keep it light and fun and you could just say like hey. I was prioritizing moving. To when i moved to a new place i wanted to build a life for myself and i prioritized friends at work and all that and now. I'm super ready to be in a relationship like spin it. Also we've learned this through corey's techniques to it's like how have you what were you in that. How have you changed. And that's what's telling the story so as long as someone. I think really. The root of this question is people are trying to suss out if your relationship ready like that's really. Why someone's leaking you this like. I think everyone has unique life experiences. And there's no formula that's correct or incorrect. But i think people can just turn the story into like. What is it that they're looking for now in what they learn to get to where they are. Now yeah it's a really good point. I also think people ask this question as a way of asking. What's wrong with. Yeah totally right well. Because they don't want to waste their time. It's like at the end of the day like that's where it's coming from. Some people use it as a way of flattery to. I can't believe such a good catch like you. Why are you still single I would totally agree with everything julie just said and also just add like i think you can always start this with. It's just hasn't been my time or it was just. I was meant to be single. Because i think sometimes when you chalk it up to the universe and its plans for you. It makes no sense. Like i wasn't meant to be in a relationship for the past few years but now i am meant to be right so it's all about how you spin it at everything in marketing league goes like. How do you spend the story. The story i agree. You do not need to divulge or get emotional or defending yourself or be like what do you mean like what you're trying to ask me. What's wrong with me. Just be just be very positive in the way you answer and then then i'd be like so. How would you answer that question. Hopefully sewing actually hate that question because it implies that there's something wrong with being single also right so i think you could just say like hey. I've learned a lot over the last year's i've really discovered myself. I've enjoyed my single time. But now i'm also realizing that i wanna share my life with someone or form a partnership. It's not either is right or wrong. It's just a different stages of life. You had different needs. And i think you can use that. To tell your story pending. That's what you're looking for on a date. If you're totally fine just being single. I think you own that but if you are looking for a relationship share the progression of what you learn being single and why that actually is going to help you be a better partner today or if else fails go single.
00:25:04 - 00:30:19
What do you mean. I'm really i'm polly. That's my btw. Right when joint party single love it call so a quick few announcements before we get into things. We have our live stream this wednesday night. We are going to be revealing the may member of the month. I am really excited. Because this person has been dominated by so betty people like overwhelming amount of nominations. And i love that you all are starting to dominate people to get that going. If you're in the facebook group we need to figure out like more official nomination right now. It's kind of like a on the side. Em but we'll get there. We'll get there but this person. I'm super excited for you. All hear from them. I think they have a ton of wisdom. They offer so much of the group so we are excited to do this. Livestream this coming wednesday. You're listening to this on wednesday. It's okay it's this today in an hour or whatever and if you're not already in the love and the time of corona group that's where the livestream is going to take place so join that facebook group. Eventually we will be changing the name but for now we're just gonna keep it until you finally out of the woods will keep the love of the type of kuroda and course we always love you to be in the sounding board. We had a phenomenal happy hour last week. Like we think we had our largest group to date. It was super fun. There were so many rooms. Had brian caitlyn jason hosting and they were just like bryant. Had this game. That i love. It's like let's compare notes like bill talk about a topic and just compare things and then i don't know the hosts games. I think we've talked about it. It's almost like you're doing many podcasts. With your new crew but doesn't need to be for the world to hear how fun how fun join that. You'll you can only have access to happy hour if you join the sound boy up. We have a great discussion. Actually this week with our bonus audio that we do that will be on. Thursday nights are bonus audio. This this month is all about blind spots which i think is a very important topic in a heavy heavy stuff. Yup okay says let's do a quick message from our sponsors and then we'll get into storytelling with corey okay. Shall we hear from corey. Rosen your story. Well told how do you tell your story julie. i don't know if you've ever been on date where someone says. So what's your story. what's your deal. Why are you single. How did you get here. What are you looking for like all those questions right. And they're easy questions to ask or not easy questions to answer. And that is why our gas for this episode. Corey rosen is going to help us craft or a story not just with other people on dates but with yourself. We're constantly writing stories every day. We just don't document them so now. We can figure out a way to document them and to regurgitate our story And tell it like it is so who is corey. He is forty eight years old. He lives in san francisco. He's been there for eighteen years. Originally from rochester is married and he teaches improv. As storytelling classes and recently published a book called your story. Well told and julie has taken corey's classes to. I have help whether the story telling now. I don't know if this is a secret. Not but it has been a dream of julius write a book so this is really instrumental to get her writing a side out of her. So thank you corey for that but also we were like you know. This is a great opportunity to talk about your dating story and corey believes that extremities are what connects us. Help us express ourselves and in his words he says becoming a better storyteller makes you more dateable. I think so too. Because if you're thinking about like okay so we have a telling our stories but then we also have being on dates. And being a good conversationalist right. these are skills. that sometimes. If you are conversationalist you don't realize aren't necessarily like the norm for everyone. So i guess. I'd love to go bright into it. Corey is like. Why do you think stories. Connect us like why is storytelling such an important. A great opening question and first of all. Thank you for having me on. This show is a dream of mine to be honest. As long as i've known julie op podcasts. And so it's literally. This is my dream. Come true just being here and i am. I should preface this by. I am i am married i am in a i have two children but i know i remember what it's like to date for me. I loved dating. I loved the process because data these little. I mean i guess they're like little job interviews right but there are also like little experiences that you have with someone especially for states where you have this opportunity to get to know somebody and to kind of discover who you are with that person less about show who you are but like discover who am i with this person and who is that person with me because we've all been on those dates where somebody just doesn't shut up and those people i mean bless their hearts.
00:30:19 - 00:35:03
They're trying really hard. The not shut up. People are trying so hard to impress their dates. But they're doing of course the wrong thing because they're overselling and they're they're not sharing the floor and so the impression that that gives off is. I don't want to be with that person because that person talks all the time so i'm not going to be with that person we've also maybe been with the person who doesn't talk at all who let you all the talking and then that person comes off and maybe they think that they're being polite and kind to you but they're giving off the impression like she was so quiet she was to issue. Didn't say anything because you're all your all your cards. So i think that's where the concept of kind of becoming comfortable with storytelling. In its various forms of how tell stories allows us as people especially in the vulnerable situation. That dating is whether it's video dating online dating Of course impersonating remember that where where we have this opportunity to kind of sort of establish our comfort zone maybe tiptoe out of it a little bit and show a a little bit more of who we are through the experiences that were willing to share and just to come back to the original question of why wire our story so important in this way because if you go off on list of. This is all the things that i've done. That doesn't really impress or connect to anybody. But if you put it into a story here is something that happened to me. And this is who i am because of that that show is us going through something whether that was our dating situation of scott up a relationship. But here's what i learned. And here's what i'm looking for now or maybe i'm new to town and here's where i came from this and i don't really know that many people in my story is one of of looking of searching of openness how we tell stories and what we choose to share Should open the door not just present something but open the door to a response to like. Oh well it's funny. You say that because that reminds me of my situation like that and that for me is is the part that i kind of. Don't tell my wife depart. I miss about how. Dating is the new beginnings johnny something so sweet and wonderful about starting over and an opening up to someone who doesn't know us and doesn't have baggage doesn't know anything about us other than what they've stopped. It's funny one of our listeners. Gave that the name the monologue when like it could be a woman to log two. But it's basically what someone's just talking at you. And i think another one you actually brought up in. Your book is like when people are giving kind of assorted memories and there's no structure and i think when it's like close friends they can cut a piece it together but if it's someone that you don't know you're like okay. This isn't making sense. This is an interesting like you. She yeah like what is like a good structure of a story. The kinda give have you ever. Have you ever had your tarot cards read. Yes i love that. But now i'm a giant into it but you know the concept of tarot reading where it's like they take a hard like think about it like that. It's like if you have all of this interesting stuff to share. Your job is not to overwhelm and to put it all out there. You don't have to read your resume to say everything about you on a date. Leave something to the imagination. Let there be something to discover an even more spend time talking about stuff. That isn't the this is what my job is. This is what my family's situation is. This is what my this is like. I find a good first date. Could be something where like. Let's talk about something that has nothing to do with this here now. Like let's talk about third grade. What you remember from third grade and share a story or a memory from a long time ago and see like what comes to mind for that and then you're actually probably going to engage into a conversation that might actually reflect on you now but it's through this lens of something we actually have in common. We were kids. We skinned our knees. So let's just open this up to you guys like if we were on a date right now and i was a triumph here. We are not right this opportunity. I have a great opportunity. So if i was on a date with either of you and i was sort of like not to be a creepy way but i was like something. Maybe something happened today. That reminded me of that today. I was at lake. Mur- said live in san francisco's at lake mur- said right and there was all these people. boating rowing on these boats. And it's funny because it reminded me. I grew up in upstate. New york in a little town. That's on the erie canal. And i remember like in songs. Erie canal is the stuff of legend right group. You get right in my life. The erie canal was disgusting. It was around water.
00:35:03 - 00:40:04
That had this legend people would jump off a bridge and they called it scum jumping when you would jump into the canal and the legend was that one time. A kid jumped and he landed in a cow. That was the big the legend of that so that was like a memory that i had that came up today was that was that on one hand i never scum jumped and i feel proud of that and to i never scum jumped and i'm kinda sad about that because i've never now scum jump so that's like a store. I guess i was a story version of something that i could or maybe would share on a on a daily. So if someone was with you and see said that what. What might you do or think or respond. Let's pretend let's role play. I would go and say. I just have this very irrational fear of water especially water. That's near a city or in a city for example. When i lived in new york the hudson river scared the shit out of me. I think people and maybe aliens altogether so my friend asked me to go kayak in hudson river. I was like hell no. I had a fast forwarded to this. Corey rosen moment here in thought. I would probably regret it if i left. New york never kayaked in the hudson river. So i did and i thought i was. I was going to either grow an extra toe or lose a toe one or the other. It's it's a win win situation but nothing happened to me. It was dirty as fuck. But i had a good time. You know what i love about this. That was because my mind went to like where i grew up so we both like found different things off your story and i feel like this is like this this game. You play all the time. The this reminds me in like how do people play off of each other. Because i think that's where the magic does happen in storytelling. It's a way to like converse in relate to each other like audi like ping pong that conversation totally so Something that i suggest recommend and this is something that i use i suggest for all kinds of storytelling because i think that conceptually when people think about like if i was just say like told me a story like when you started this out and you're like we're always on dates and you say things like what's your story it's a it's a loaded and terrifying question. We get like that deer in the headlights. Of which story do i tell which version of my story and my trying to impress you story. Is that the one to show my boner ability story as it. My love life stories at my work. Life story and i think in general people struggle with a. Tell me a story a lot of us up. Where there's i don't know what to tell but the weird thing is if you sort of like the door in a simple way you talk about boats or you talk about kayaks you talk about dirty water like for all three of us that flashed a different memory from our lives and even if it's not a story just like this one time. I went kayaking on hudson river. And it scared the hell out of me. I thought i was going to grow an extra toe like that itself while a fragment of a story is sweet is real is true is like we were talking about tiptoeing out of our comfort zone. Like you've revealed something you lived in new york might have that in common. Oh i also had a thing with that. And i like this. I don't like that. And it sort of opens up into what i think is a fundamental aspect of all kinds of creativity which is just really about being in the moment like being kind of present so like when you're on a date. It's not about what happened before it's not about what's going to happen. It's about like what's happening right now like what's happening right here and if you tell a story about something that happened a long time ago what i suggest is how does it relate to my life right now. as opposed to all these things that had happened to me like what is happening to me right. Now what am i. Who am i right now because we are a story and progress. We are a work in progress. And i think the more we reveal a little bit of our own humanity the more we connect with like. Oh she's not. Like you know this person that i can't connect with communicate with. He's not some jerk. Only talks about himself. And i don't like how you brought in the story versus setting up the story and i liked that it's related to something that happened to you. Let's say today or recently. 'cause i love going in on dates with something that happened during that day. All my walk over here. I saw this in a remind me of this Like when i was in seventh grade so they get a glimpse of your present life and your past life and it. It doesn't feel as contrived when you like weave it into your current day totally well. That's what i love about that game. Because i remember the game of your class of this reminds me of in the whole ideas to kind of worker improv muscles. Right as i ask that you like. You shouldn't come to date with the prepared story. Like your corey storytelling class shirt. But maybe not for a date. But i think like having the muscles to like kind of play off someone else's in i think like with your game it's not like oh we're going to sit down and play. This reminds me of but it's a good way to like. Keep the convoys going although you could you could you could. Yeah that's a good point. Should you come on dates with some stories.
00:40:04 - 00:45:01
Yeah if right. I don't know i. I feel like maybe for some personalities it would give them some kind of guidance. Were a safety net. Could be here. Here's my this is very me in terms of my mindset. Because you mentioned improv. I do performance an improviser. Gotta use improvisation in in life in my work. But i think that improv. Also that concept scares a lot of people like they think of improv. Is like you know whose line is it. Anyway or comedy improv. So i do want to be clear about idea and also stuff that i use in the book in terms like improv exercises you clown or or a comedian. It's stuff to make you think like an improviser which is to use. What's right in front of you so to your question. I think the idea of coming prepared. These are the stories. I'm going to tell it's not a bad idea to like. Have a story in your back pocket. Though i would suggest kind of like what julia was is setting up to lead you into intellectually. Play this game and let's demonstrate this. How about you actually play a game on a date and here's a way you can do it so you could say something like this you know. I read this reading this book right. Now it's called your story. Well told by koros and in it he has this game. Do you wanna play a game right there. You're gonna learn something about the person if they go absolutely not and like all right. This is safe person. This is a no person. This is someone who doesn't wanna play games. Let's let's talk about appetizers right. Good the trim. Okay aren't they say yes then. Say here's how the game is played. We start with a word and maybe we'll just pick a word at random so look open up the and you'll see monolith and you say okay. Monolith makes me think of that movie two thousand and one which You know. I remember i saw the castro theatre in like there was like a big stanley kubrick festival. Because i love going to the movies so now your partner goes six something from the story that i just told right. It could be about going to the movies. It could be about. Stanley kubrick castro. It could be about anything and say some part of your story. And you'd call it to like stanley. Kubrick reminds me of. And then you would either of you could go and riff off of that and take. That reminds me of so. I mean i thought additionally what i heard castro theatre provides it v of this sick along movies that they used to have the dis-decision logs. Little mermaid was one that i went to recently at. I've ever being like wow. This movie is super archaic. And then i think just you talking about little mermaid made me think about. It reminds me of the time. When i i watched little mermaid and i was like she has small boobs like i i really thought i felt camaraderie in knowing that she's small boobs like me. It's really fucked up as a kid. So small boobs reminds me of reminds me of. I think i mean to be honest. It reminds me of summer camp and about sort of just going through those feelings of like seeing like a bra strap for like a boy and how like that was enough to get me excited like. I didn't have to see the boobs just to see the thing. That was maybe connected. Someway tangentially another thing. I can say his small boobs also reminds me of when i was in fifth grade. I convinced my mother to take me and my friends to an r. rated movie for my fifth grade birthday party so we were like how old you in fifth grade ten and we saw hotdog. The movie and mom was like. Why is it r. rated. And i said well there's some frontal nudity and afterward. My mom was like there was frontal. Nudity there was backle nudity and there was sidled nudity every kind nudity and the nudity revise. Vm now i think this is so great though because i love like i mean i think it really probably depends on your personality type because i could see like if you kind of just our training yourself to have this. It can just doesn't necessarily have to be you making just be like a natural progression. It's a little hard for me to step out. Because i definitely am someone that probably just can like flow with it more but i do agree like if you are someone that may be struggles with this either. Proposing it as a game or coming prepped with a story or two in obviously putting it in when it makes sense not just like changing gear. Mid conversation be like this one time at band camp ten years ago. You know. that'd be a little weird. But like i do think probably depending on your personality it makes sense to kinda play. It both ways. It's true. I mean i think the concept of of date stories. Is you know like it to some degree. We are presenting ourselves where you know connecting with that person in a way that shows who we are. Maybe what what. What we're all about and i feel like it's also loaded you know like there's some fear that goes along with that of like not wanting to give off the wrong impression but if you think back maybe you guys could share with me. Like is there a time when lin to date went really well and like was there some thing that defined it in the conversation and the flow of the conversation maybe to either prove or disprove this theory that i'm presenting out here in which is the idea that rather than coming loaded with.
00:45:01 - 00:50:06
These are the four stories. I am going to tell on the day that i'm going to be president. I'm gonna listen. I'm gonna react and reflect on that. And i'm just curious from your standpoint of their Situation on a date. Where story helped to seal the deal or helped to go the other way. I think absolutely in the sense of like. When i think of the best states i've been on. Its when i feel like i'm just connecting with a friend. Just sharing stories organically definitely not coming with the story ready to roll in like present but what it is. It's exactly this reminds me of. It's the exact game without playing the game. It's just like playing off of the stories. Like i remember with like a past exa mine like we talked about pranks that we pulled on people. It wasn't like stuff. I'd even thought about for years but because he was telling frank that i would tell a prank and it would just kind of like ping pong back and forth. Yeah for me. it's like i understand. I see the value in humorous stories or whimsical stories. But i've really appreciated just real real stories so for example. My current partner went on our first date. I knew he was divorced. I want to hear the story. How did you. Why did you get divorced. And had a really nice way of telling the story that was compelling that was inciteful and also really respectful. I just felt like a deep sense of connection from real real story. That was that was a loan. Typically him can we talk about that. Actually because i feel like a lot of people we hear all the time. We hear people being like i don't want to share that. I don't have that much relationships history or i don't want to share that. I just got out of a divorce or i've had nothing but failed relationships. Like how do you kinda craft that story to you. Know be positive. This gets to the heart. I think of what a story is. The heart of what story is is that there's a difference between an anecdote something that happened and a story and the difference you know for your listeners to learn or understand is it a story as is something where there is a change in the end where things were like this. Something happened things are like that and as really the basic building blocks of stories stories about change if nothing changed is not a story. It's a thing that happened in interesting experience. So if you are divorced and you're gonna tell your divorce story and it really think about that way like what how my different than i was before. What was the once upon a time. Like when i got married i was pretty young and i really. You know thought. I was in love because it was the first time i've ever been in love and through my marriage i realized that You know my partner. And i we just we were. We were so young that as we were discovering who we were in this early or late teens and early twenty s that we discovered more and more than what we were holding onto his what we used to be a not what we would become so as we decided to split up we discovered is that we needed some time for ourselves and so since that day i have great respect for my partner but i know. Ym now better than i did back. Then you know so you could tell a story where there's a change i was like this and now i'm like that. That was exactly his story so he goes pretty much verbatim. This store i am. I am am available for for divorce. Coaching stories out. Yeah but i mean it's true and a lot of people can relate to an experience or a story like that i mean. Can i tell you my my in a nutshell. My my dating story. Yeah yeah. I was a serial long distance. Dater like i was the best at it. I love long distance relationships. I would go on vacation because on vacation house. My bestself like i was amazing. I was relaxed. I know where to get up for the morning. I go out i could be. I was like so me because there was no stress in my life and in my brain right and then i would meet someone because they'd be like wow you seem so chill and so cool and then we would you know kind of hook up and then i have to leave and now we're on the phone. I miss you and then we get together. We would have a vacation. She would fly out. I would fly there. We would see each other would be this hot and heavy couple of days a couple of weeks in we realize we were pretend dating like we weren't really together we were living separate lives and then every once in a while we were pretending. We're basically having like a every two months hookup. So when i met someone who kind of became cognizant of this pattern so i met someone started the same pattern all over again and just what. I was like time to break up. I was like no i. this is what i do. I am not going to break up. So when she said. I'm gonna move to san francisco and i said okay. I'm going to help drive across country and day. One of that drive hours like this is a terrible idea and i. I knew that. I should have trusted myself but i mean i'm in now i'm committed now. She's driving out so then she moves out so then. I go through this dilemma. When i break up. She's moved here for me. Do i give it a month like if it six months and now i'm in this now. We're planning vacations and our planning things in our parents are come like i felt myself in this spiral of this trap.
00:50:06 - 00:55:08
So i went to therapy and by therapists was like And she really wanted me to go into therapy my therapist. He didn't say break up with her but he was like he got into like what was really going on here. When i discovered is that it wasn't her that i was connected to it was my mother than why mother my mother loved her. And my mother literally told me just you know. We really love her. And i didn't want to disappoint my mother so ultimately it wasn't her that i had to break up it my mother and so i became a big boy the day that i broke up with that woman and she packed her things and moved out of town about a week later with her mother. I'm others actually know each other so very long and delightful story. But there's a happy upshot to this story. Upshots and john julia. I don't know if you know the story. Is that that relationship with that woman who went our separate ways is now happily married with children to a man named corey posen. No off one hundred percent. She is married to some of. My name is corey rosen. She married a man curry pos. And so i believe somewhere firmly in fate that there she was always meant to be with corey posed. And somehow there was a fatalistic accident. Accident connected with corey rosen. And now she is seriously married to someone whose name is off by one stroke of. Wow but i love. I love that story. Because i feel you could also share it with someone new like. Let's say overcome this like you know. I wanna say your cereal long distance day day that you could they kinda put this funny twist that like the last person that i did. This ended up with corey. Posen learned is that like you know. Whatever you're learning was like. I think it's it's tying back to the change. I think that's so important. Like what would you say for someone. That's struggling with their story. If they haven't had a lot of relationships we hear this one a lot like. I don't want to admit that. I haven't had a girlfriend. I don't want to admit that. I haven't had a boyfriend before. That's a great question Because you know we all start somewhere and it's okay you don't have to impress us with your resume and your prowess and how many people like. I think there's an over or under emphasis on that. In terms of like like your level of experience i think the friendships that you have are probably more important in your life than maybe the relationships or the partners that you've had so if you think about the the How how do you rate yourself in terms of your healthy ability to communicate you know. I think i think a lot about the four agreements like do you know that. The four agreements concept But there's basically this book written that are called the four agreements which are great things for just humans to know about but especially people that are engaging in relationship or partnership because they're based on four things they you and your partner basically agree to agree on and the first one is is that your words should be impeccable. Like are you speaking truth. Are you speaking impeccably. Is what you say what you mean. We could be really hard hurtful and harmful with the words that we say to each other and words can build bridges and words can destroy relationships. You can say something that you don't really mean so if you say it make sure that you mean what you say. The second to kind of go together is is don't make assumptions When you're talking to someone. And they say well i haven't been in a lot of relationships. Don't assume that that means that they're gonna break up with you or their inexperience or something like that. Like like the fact that they haven't been in relationships might be that they just haven't met the right person that they haven't been around. You know someone that the situation hasn't been right or maybe they've been focusing on other parts of their lives. So if you are a person who hasn't been in a lotta relationships you can frame it in a way so it's not like a negative thing but it's like you know like i've really been focusing on my friendships and settling in a new city and getting getting my career off the ground and it's a good thing like now i'm excited to get out in the world and start dating so opener to them. What advice would you have for me for. Someone who hasn't dated a lot like let it be a positive thing you know like like look at it some in some way that you kind of open the door to to a positive thing as opposed to a secret that you're holding in your hand like i can't show the the virgin card or the never been in a serious relationship car. It's like you've been doing other things with your life writing of interesting like vivid experiences to share. And wouldn't you be lucky to be my first serious relationship you know. That's kind of how i look at it and then don't take anything personally. Don't you get through your best. Thank you so don't take it personally so if somebody says something to you honestly most of the time. It's because they've got something going on. They're nervous. They're worried they're upset. They had a bad day. Like somebody yells a you like in in my story. There's a angry woman. i like road rage. Beeping on my tail. As i'm driving my kids to school one day and she ends up punching me by the way through the window of the car she punch a mo- mother at my kids school at drop off punched me in the face in later in reflecting on that it's kind of a morning.
00:55:08 - 01:00:13
Was she having that she would that she was late to school later. Work this idiot in front of me is driving slowly and beat laying on the horn and that she would drive her to punch me. The like shirley was shocking and surprising that you would punch me. But i also put myself in her shoes. So don't take it personally is an aspect and the last one is is just do your best like at the end of the day. We're all gonna screw up. We're all gonna make mistakes. Like did i do my best. I put my best foot forward. And i think if you can apply these on a date even better right speak impeccably like represent yourself the way that you want to be represented in. Don't misrepresent yourself. Listen to the other person when they say something. Don't take personally and don't make assumptions. You know ask follow up questions and at the end of the day. Do your best. Let's take a quick break for a really quick message. And you do to promote this. Very important improv technique. It's called yes. And so i feel like it goes into these four truths. Oh can you kind of touched upon. That is for anybody who doesn't know absolutely so in any kind of a creative situation. And i think conversation is a creative situation you Are co creating something together. If you are in a manner log woman a log situation where you are where you are taking turns telling your stories. It's going to be a very boring. It's going to be pong of my told my story about this. Then he told you this. Worry about that. And i told my story about this then i had to pete then he's whereas in when you are co creating anything There are kind of two fundamental ways that people tend to communicate. One is the way we are often at work. Which is where we say. No because or we say yes but where we basically our problem spotting like says something. Well i don't want to do that because of this. And we have a lot of grey logical rational reasons to not do things because it's too expensive or wouldn't make any sense or it. We don't have the budget for her. It's not it's not a logical rational thing and then there's yes and which is the idea of. Let's look at it and let's frame it from like. What do i like about that idea. And how can i build on that so in creating something or co creating something including a conversation relationship. Read them read. Their verbal nonverbal cues and their verbal cues. What are they saying. What are they not saying and pass the ball like on what they say. So you don't have to literally say the words yes and but when they say something and you say wow it's funny that you say that because i also like swimming in the hudson river are also afraid of sharks and when they react to give them air give them space to react and build it together so that way the conversation. Hopefully the relationship will go somewhere that you never expected that together. You are more than you were alone and you discover. Wow we're a lot alike. And i feel good and i feel supported and i feel like uplifted by the person that i'm with. I mean for me. That's that's what it's about especially if we're going through a hard time if you've been through a difficult year which a lot of us are and have been if not all of your stories are funny. That's even more of time to listen and to build on solitaire. Make everything okay. Sometimes we just need to listen and hear each other and say wow. It's thank you for sharing that. I really appreciate you opening up right. Let me get soon as you say. The no it closes people off and they feel undocumented. That's like the worst feeling whether you're on a date in a relationship in life is just a bad feeling so i love the yes and it also keeps the momentum going to of it like i'm thinking of the example i gave about the pranks it was kind of like a combo of yes and this reminds me because it kept building on one another. Yeah and in that situation. I might say oh. Tell tell me tell you one of the pranks. Love a good prank. And did you ever get in trouble. Ever get bus right. Yeah could even just be asking the follow up questions. It might not even be a story when you ask follow up question that shows that you're listening more just waiting to talk so that leads me to another game. Every teacher this game is called sparkling moment. no. I don't remember this have time. Can we play. Let's do it quickly. Okay all right. You're going to tell already second story. And so julie. Your job is Is not to interrupt. Your job is just to listen to her story and if she stops before thirty seconds and you a your job is just to tell i call it a sparkling moment so it's just a true story about something happy. You know something positive. It could be something that happened today. It doesn't have to be the most happy thing ever just like. Oh i think of this one nice thing that happened or a time a long time ago or a thing a week ago or something like does something. Come to mind that you've got. Yeah i think so okay. Great so i'm going to start as soon as you start and you're gonna have thirty seconds i'll tell you when time is up k. My dad is not the best at expressing his emotions or his softer side. But yesterday when i was over at their house. I've brought mojo my dog with me and Through the grapevine which through my mom she you said your dad he whispers something to me while you brought mojo over and he said sometimes i'm mistaken him for my true grandson.
01:00:15 - 01:05:00
I thought it was the cutest thing. 'cause he really loves mojo and time. That was perfect. Perfect beautiful story all right julie. So now your job. Is you have thirty seconds to tell back the story of the you just heard as close as you can okay. So and you a. Your job is not to interrupt her. Correct her or secretary. I want you to just notice what she picked up on. So julie didn't know this going into the exercise that she was going to have to do this So your job is just be kind. Listen notice what she picked up on details. Maybe not details. I've already talked for too long. Julius maybe already forgotten some things here we go so you have thirty seconds as as well as you can as good natured as you can retell the story so you a to her parents house. Her dad is not always show his emotions all that well but her mother a little birdie told her that her dad was super excited to come over to c mo jo. Her dog aka his drill grandchild all right. So now you've just told the story and you just retold that story so let's start with you a in terms of that story. Like how did she do really well. She picked up all the highlights at line. Nice nice and julie. How did it for you. What was that experience like. We having a retail store. Not being prepared. And you're gonna have to do that. Yeah i think it may be hone in on how well i was actually listening. Was there anything that you observed anything of how would you extrapolate this. How might this manifests itself in a dating situation. Yeah i mean. I think from dating situation. It's obviously important to listen to someone. nothing is for. Would you tell a story that they don't regret age or like a second later. They're asking you something totally different. Basically repeat repeated. I've definitely been on dates before where i've repeated the exact same stories. It felt like deja vu on the second date. So i think it's really important to like be an active listener and it also helps me because i could've used the techniques. Were talking about earlier of like. This reminds me of her. Yes and if. I was actually listening to the story if i was daydreaming. And thinking about like you know my next margarita or whatever it was it wouldn't have been a very engaged conversation. You anything you would add to that You know. I felt like there. Was this sort of a connection. Because i revealed a little. I mean there was a lot of vulnerability in that story. I would say because say talking about my dad. His lack of emotions is for one especially on a first date. I think julie picked up on that but also when she told a story back if she told it in a positive way so that the punchline was the positive outcome of the story. Yeah is you know what it may be. Think of two corey. You have this other game that. I used to love collar in advance and i want to do that in real life so bad so like for that let you explain it more but basically it's like when there's some people that give too much color too much needs sales and they'll tell like we actually even see this in our facebook group. Sometimes people will walk you through like every last thing that happened on a date. And it's like. I just didn't read it because it was too much. And then there's some people that will tell the story in one second flat and leave out all the detail like what's the right about of. How do you strike the balance between the two. So it's it's both there are people who are full of color in terms of like color is the shorthand for like descriptive text and all the nuance and the kind of the stuff that when you're describing something makes it feel non-generic you know like you don't say like i walked into the hotel it's like. It was a giant soaring ceiling with a big glass chandelier in the middle and a chocolate fountain in the middle of it and a troop of girl. Scouts were all sitting on top of their luggage. Ready to leave like creating a visual image that we see that hotel or that that setting helps us as storytellers and as listeners to enter the world of the story but if it gets in the way of what happens in the story and you forget like what am i. Paying attention came out the girl. Scouts and the fountain chandelier like like i forget about the fact that like this is about a meeting that i'm supposed to have put the details in that help. Guide us like you're maintaining a a canvas a word picture and what you decide to color helps us understand what to focus on And at the same point if your story is only details. I walked in the lobby and i went to the room and i had the job interview in that i came outside. It got to my car. And i drove home. It's like it's just what happens. It's like okay. And how was it you know but then you you give us a little bit of like. Oh in the guy had this thing in. His teeth is like broccoli in his teeth.
01:05:00 - 01:10:06
And add this great comb over and it was really like i will never forget this guy like just. He was sweating. He was sweating profusely. And i feel he was more nervous than i was in the job interview so i ended up making him feel bad like mixing color and advanced color. You know the details the texture the descriptions and advance of like what happens will make you a better storyteller because it adds texture but it doesn't take away from what's happening. Oh i still love that game because he basically someone would be telling a story. You just be like advance advance color at work. Color can actually date say that actually in your class really we just do this at real life. Just be like advance advance do that. At work at zoom. Well here's the thing. Here's the thing it's a language right. It's like a shared language. And you actually can. I mean my wife is also an improviser so like she literally does that to me all the time. Because i even telling us also frigging storyteller. So she's like cork. Everything is in a story like you can. Just tell me what happened. You don't make well. You know how. Sometimes i feel like i have a way of over story fighting things and so she'll do say advance advance the first day. Maybe you should've try see advanced color when you're actually in that relationship that you could pull it up. I am going to try that with my boyfriend. All only got. I always just finish the sentence. I know he's going to say he's just speaker now and it's not something you don't wanna hear it. It's like i get it. Go along and could even advance in advance advance. Advance advance color okay. That's that's your interaction. i can just picture it now. It's colored advance time ten seriously. I'll even say that. I'll be like get to the meeting like this setup part so that i can i throw one more thing in about the sparkling moments inches. There's a reason getting back to the four agreements but also like. There's a reason why we are not heard on our dates and it's the thing that happens needs like a human instinct. Which is that as people. Start to tell a story. Our brains are listening but they're also thinking of response. Yeah right What am i gonna say. What am i gonna say until we start waiting our turn and so like a game like the sparkling moment game when you kind of practice active listening and you practice telling back stories or maybe just in your own head. Think to yourself. I am just going to listen to the story. In the way where i can say back and reference back. The story that. I just heard makes that person feels so heard and understood and seen so what a great gift that you can give to some of the on a date with by just giving them a minute to tell a story and you know yeah. I love that. Because i feel like sometimes when we think about storyteller it's about telling the story leave the one there but just as important as the listening piece especially when you're out of date hundred percent. I think another piece that. I'd love to go into that like it's you tell the story to. I actually was on this Rock date it was myself the dater and a dating coach. And i remember. He came in like he asks the guy that was it was the mock date. He's like what did you do today. And he's like. Oh i say wasn't that interesting of a day and i was like. Oh you just told me like a few minutes ago that you just got here late because out of sod in the data coaches like we can work with that. He's like what if you came into your like. I have the best massage ever like. Let me tell you about this place. So i do think a lot of it is like how do you frame it and like from your perspective. I remember even in your class. I get it on that stage presence that you had. Obviously you're not getting on a stage to date but there is some like presence that's needed like what would what are your tips will date is a is a stage right. There's there's an aspect where we are. I mean i talked about my long distance by vacation guy like that was a character that i was doing like. We are to some degree while. We're balancing trying to like honest and true in this who i really am but also like we put on a nice shirt and we brush our hair and you know we are putting a version of ourselves out there and i think to me it all comes back to just being present being here in the now. What's happening right now if you're coming in too much carrying like stuff that has happened in the past. I mean you. it's always good to talk about referencing. Biking over here. And i saw this really crazy thing. This guy was trying to run across the street to catch the bus. And he was he was holding his dog and he fell and he actually used his body to protect the dog and roll over and everybody went over and helped the guy up and he didn't miss the bus.
01:10:06 - 01:15:02
The bus even waited for him and he got up and he slowly like telling something that happened right now. This isn't a performance and this is just be real like be be comfortable being okay. You know it's okay to be okay. You don't have to impress your date if you can. Just be yourself than i think. It's it's putting your best foot four because it's just being as you as you can be. We know when we're being collide to or sold to and that's what i think people can often fall into the trap of is life. I'm where i'm wearing a suit of pretense. I'm smiling and i'm via acting happy but i'm really can't be honest for a second. I'm just. I need a glass of wine. Can we just have. Can we just like you know or or open up and listen if you're not in the mood if you're nervous. See if they if they have something that's going on with them. I would say also that the dating workshop or that thing you were describing if somebody said to me. If i was there i was like. How's your day like nothing really happened. Like what are what are nothing days like i would love to have a nothing you know like i would just try to build on. What is that instead of faulting them for being boring or for having nothing to say i would try to find a yes end like wow if i had nothing to do. This is what a dream day for me. Like build on that in some way and find. How can i build on that in some way so that you are keeping some level of interaction momentum. That's that's my spin on that. I think though what. I'm taking away from this too. Is that like i think what happened with the scenario i gave us. He thought this was like a mundane thing like he didn't think it was important. But what i'm gathering from you is like you can make mundane things into interesting story. How do you craft it in a way. That feels compelling gives that emotion and whatever else yes so maybe we can go into that because that'd be a good technique for people to learn is not everyone has a story mindset like you cory and so in what someone might see themselves as like a mundane day. How can they find the story in their day. I have a technique. I use all the time that i love for that. Which is the idea of this. You are your life's your in your story. Something happened today Maybe it wasn't the most interesting thing like i did. I took my kid to you. Know to lake mercedes and back. I do that all the time. But i try to look at my situation may be something that to me is mundane thing and i look like how might i like go. Kind of like there's this Format like thousand and one nights arabian nights. Famous story uses this structure which is like a nesting story inside of another story. So in that you've got sheherazade and er you know. She's telling him a story every night and in the morning he's gonna kill her but she gives him a cliffhanger and so he has to keep her alive another day. You know you're familiar with this story. Right the thousand and one nights anyway familiar so the the way that she does. She tells a story so in this book. That's the the frame story. And then she tells a story and in that once upon a time and she spins a story about something and maybe in the middle of that story. There's a parable so it goes kind of another level deeper to the story of the scorpion and the aunt or something like that. So what i'm getting at is nothing as complex as that. But but i could start with like so you know i have a son. And he's fifteen years old and i. I've been taking him to school now. That school's open and then i think like how does that connect with my life. I'm like oh when i was fifteen i remember there. Was this time. Where like i had to get picked up by my dad and my dad had this. You know this old you know beat up. Rusted out car. And i remember feeling so embarrassed when he would pick me up in this car because i was just very self conscious and self aware and so it kind of brings me back to now of like now. I'm in this situation. And when i see my son like not wanting to be seen getting into my car and it reminds me like. I'm just like that like in. How cycles are so in other words maybe not the best example but the idea's tick the nothing nothing or the maybe the mundane of your day or your life and can you reflect it to any other time in your life like it reminds me of a time when i did this or i had a thing like that or i. I used to have to carpool. And it was in the freezing cold than my mom. Wouldn't take me and i would take you know like whatever it reminds. So that's a simple structure that anyone can use to start an end with now. The the meat of the now sandwich is then is another thing that happened and it kind of instantly gives a structure to a story. Like you sort of start with something. That's happening now. You flash back to something and you come back to now and maybe now you have some insider some reflection on how you were when you were younger. I like that. I like that a lot. So i feel like we've gone through so many ways that you can actually tell if someone's engaging with you if they're like going back and forth and all the stuff.
01:15:02 - 01:20:03
What are the ways that you could like tell that someone is an interior story and like would you do from their like. Are you just like this isn't a fit or can you save it like save vans. That is a gift if you can be in a relationship with someone feels comfortable enough to say collar advance like get to the next thing you. That's that's a keeper. Hold onto them. But you are always getting cues from the people you're talking to of whether they like or understand your story or not like you have to read their body language if you're midway through a story and you know that you're building up to the big funny part and they are looking at their watch or they're drinking their wine or they're looking at like it is time to stop that story or to turn it and be like. Has that as anything like that ever happened to you like stop. Stop talking like if i get if you're reading the room and they don't like it react. Oh you made a face. Why did you make that face. Let them talk. Don't man splaine. don't men a log. It goes everywhere. Everyone does it. Yeah yeah yeah. But it's like really you have to you get you get real time feedback. You know like the best thing about stories is that you can tell if people don't understand because they cringe are they are there or they're not looking or santa. Surly personal maybe. They're thinking of their story that they're going to tell if you see that happening and you seen there is going away then say like where did you just go. I saw you remind you know like column on it and see what happens then then your present. Then you're there. That's my hanley. I've definitely been on those dates. Where i'm like. I'll just let this person talk. I am that kind of person though. Someone just keeps talking and just let them talk. But i'm making massive judgments in my head when the station end and how you're constantly down voting down voting. Yes yes yes should have that knob of. Like i liken it all like i think. That's a good psych way takeaways. Because i think sometimes that is coming from nervousness of the person. So what i'm really gathering here is that storytelling is not just you. Share your story. It's the act of two people or multiple people connecting via stories in a big part of that is active listening. Or you know like moving the story in the direction that you want to go. And i love the part when you were talking about like. If someone just said they didn't do anything you can still work with that so if someone is giving you the man log or giving you like the long thing like yes. It's on them like some degree. But it's also on you'd like make this a conversation. Yes jump in there. Say it's so funny you say that. Can i just add something. I wanted to interrupt them and if they really don't like to be interrupted that shows you if you don't try how do you know right like if you're not actually engaging in it yeah and i mean i know it sounds kind of maybe cornea cliche in some way. But i think that there's nothing wrong with like psych saying like you wanna play a game like honestly setting it up as a game like i wanna play this game where i'm going to tell a story and then you have to tell me back as close to the story as you can and then we're going to boko both go. You have a one minute story to tell and just make the rules clear of like. We're going to try to retell a story until it's just. It's an exercise. It's a game enter telling a story about yourself. Yeah for anybody. Who's listening to this episode right now on their way to a date. You can bring up this episode. Home listening dateable. Podcast with corey rosen. He has a new book out. He has his game. I really wanna try it on someone. Let's try yeah. I agree on this game on this. Podcast you wanna play it. I have honestly. I've never had someone ever if i said. Do you wanna play a game. So sorry my kids. Sometimes they don't wanna play. That's i guess. But like i even with stories like as a storyteller and doing shows and stuff the my favorite test audience is lift line and right. Yes yes because you are in a car with complete strangers who usually have their headphones in and their phones and their swiping ever. And i'm just like hey. Can i tell you guys a story. And i've never had anyone say no like he was telling a story you hear and you get realtime feedback so i love that too because like i think it is like like were saying you don't need to come with like a prepared story but some of this isn't art to like become you know like a better storyteller and conversationalist and craft your own story like we were talking about. There's a spent everything so some of it is practice in some of that might be without our friends with lift. Drivers like you'll start to see those. Like non verbal cues which i think are so important that again like sometimes when you're thinking about being a storyteller you're thinking about talking not the receiving aspects of it out so i think this is a good challenge for anybody. Listening right now is for the next. Let's say next. Two weeks every day craft a story craft a story about your day. And i will use these two techniques Gathering these two from gory.
01:20:03 - 01:25:01
So let me know. If i'm making these up a reflection and connection find something to tell a story about during your day reflected back to something maybe in your past or near pass or whatever and then connected back to your present day so reflects and then connect and then to see what happens the next two weeks. 'cause i think this is a muscle. We just do not work this muscle now. We go from day to day thinking. These are not stories to be told that it's not that exciting it's mundane but if you removed yourself and said oh my gosh. If i were an alien on earth observing my day i'd be like what the hell is going on. This is crazy. Look at her behavior. So you can always crafted a story out of your days And i urge everyone to do that. And i would also say this like i think again i i'm going back to my experience of storytelling and on dates. It does not have to be epic or so funny or life changing. It could just be a date today story and that is enough in. Don't feel feel like people feel the need to entertain it. Doesn you're not there to entertain your date. You're there to share it. I think that goes back to the very beginning story. Telling is bent to connect. So i love this like not entertain one hundred percent agree i think ultimately as long as we can form a piece of connection in relate to one another. That's really the benefit of storytelling. Comes to dating true. So corey your book. Your story well told where can people find it. People can go to any bookstore. So i am strongly encouraging to go to your local bookstore. If there is a store in your community in your town You can go there. If none of those Come to mind. There's places like barbara's bookstore which is chicago bookstore. That i'm doing an event l. Cool like an author event with and flint ridge books in l. a. there locally owned small bookstores is a great place to buy. And if you just must buy it amazon of that there as well but on my website Which is corey. Rosen dot com. I also have a list of independent bookstores. Black bookstores by pocketbooks. Like places that you can also find it and both support me but also support local businesses. That would really appreciate your help. Love it and we're super excited. That cory is gonna come to one of our sounding board events also and actually take us through a lot of these exercises and really help you all flex those muscles. That's going to be super interactive hands-on twelve hours a lot. We didn't touch upon yet. What about like the whole. Tell me why you're single story. Tell me why you're on dating app store. Yeah well. I think what we're gonna do in that so that's actually going to be like a like a workshop for your listeners to get together and actually play some of these games. You'll have a chance to basically meet other people but also try these things out so i highly recommend. Check it out when the when the dates are announced And come to learn it doing. That's really i think. Also the best way to learn these things you can read it of course but try it take a risk. Try it and see what see what happens love it. Thank you corey for taking your time to be on our show so happy to have you as a guest to have you back for a sounding board event and for all of you listening. It really helps us get awesome guests like corey if you give us five star reviews apple podcast into apple. Podcast hit the definitely. This was definitely a five-star up a five plus leader story as a review. Yes do it. Tell you know you've listened to date apple share that yes or just hashtag events in your profile blonde with other listeners but yes in all seriousness. It does help us get awesome guests just like corey and we are going to wrap up. This episodes data the database. Podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more podcasts. You'll love at frolic dot media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation. I follow us on instagram facebook and twitter with a handle at dateable podcast tag. Any post with the hashtag. Stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts then head over to our website dateable podcasts dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well. As articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts you can also find premium series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. Also downloadable for free on spotify apple podcasts. Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcast platforms at capella university. Education is the smartest the world around us with the flex path format.
01:25:01 - 01:25:45
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