S12E16: Healing your Dating Wounds

Dateable Podcast
May 25, 2021
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May 25, 2021

S12E16: Healing your Dating Wounds

While it's tempting to blame the external stuff, oftentimes it's really the internal work that's holding us back. We're chatting this week with our 'Most Dateable' winner Brian all about how he's evolved over the last year mostly due to therapy

Healing your Dating Wounds

While it's tempting to blame the external stuff, oftentimes it's really the internal work that's holding us back. We're chatting this week with our 'Most Dateable' winner Brian all about how he's evolved over the last year mostly due to therapy. We discuss how the importance of getting to the bottom of our deep-rooted wounds, how we can take ownership of how we show up, and why vulnerability is so damn hard yet so damn important.

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BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month of online therapy at with the code DATEABLE

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Episode Transcript

S12E16: Healing your Dating Wounds

00:00:01 - 00:05:08

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves.  I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

Hello everyone welcome to another episode of dateable. Show all about modern dating where we want to get to the bottom of. Why people do the things that they do and we try to do this on every episode. Which is the motive for our entire podcast figuring out people's behaviors. Yes we had a great event this week all about dating profiles and i feel like i've never thought about dating profiles. This is like one one sentence about me's and me too. I was gonna say i really. I really appreciate how mindful people are about their profiles. And i love all the things that we learned in the session. Yeah we have two great experts. Marie tewon and nitya pres- lockie who is a photographer. And they tag teamed on helping people to make their dating profiles better but also step back in and ask yourself like. Why am i even on dating apps in the first place. Yeah there are definitely some good footer. Tips that i need to apply i mike l. Worst at photos. I cannot keep my eyes open in them. I'm like serious blinking problem and asked it anonymous question. Footed air quotes of like. How can you not closure is but not be like super bug-eyed either. 'cause i've definitely swung the opposite side of the pendulum in that does not look good photos. Either it's hard to keep your eyes open when you're focusing on like your body. You're you're focusing. Like where should i put my hands or should i pose. Where should i stand. And then you're like fuck now. I have to think about keeping my eyes open time too much balance. I think it's also like what you're doing. Like i feel like it's a little easier with someone's doing it but it's like when you're doing a selfie control it. Yet to keep your. It's like too much at once. That just doesn't turn out good. But the i thought it was a someone brought no vance said to burst mode. I think that's a really great hip is just take a thousand pictures of once. One of them's bound to be good with your eyes open. Yeah but it was really fun. I liked the critique of people's profiles. And i feel like our three people that did it are going to have some really good results. They got very actionable things to change. That was good and they already had good profiles to begin right. he's going to make them and more stellar. But i feel like we had such a good reception to last week's episode. Also all about throw files with dublin king from coffee Bagel in. I'll just give diana the bat hopefully pronounce your last day correctly. A shout she actually used by tip of going on photo feeler dot com that one tax rates them it. she did. Confirm that you will get sucked into spending at least thirty dollars billy. What i said. It's like they get you like. Oh you lead like five dollars to start. Yep and that's how they get you. We need to get out of our heads and get other people's opinions because sometimes have you stared at your photo so long that you have no idea how you can even judge if it's a good photo anymore right really need other people's opinions it makes sense. Yeah so that was a good episode. It was it was but we have quite the episode store this week. We have brian. Clark who is our most dateable winner. Who know you all probably remember the state of will contest. Was that in february. We did it. Yeah right around this right. This was such a high production value for zoom events. Louise our events producer just like totally killed it with this and i give you major credit too that you organize the talent and everyone just blew us away from this but there could only be one most state of all and that was brian and of course we were like we gotta get you on a podcast episode. He really showed us. His card is vulnerability on. We're like tossing around pl- david the episode that we're like no people are totally rigidity copies confusing but i love the show. I think we've a t shirt that says. Show us your card. That's they but variety really showed us as v card at The boast dateable contests and we wanted to go deeper in. His story talks all about just like his own personal journey like going through therapy and really like learning how to be more vulnerable and nachos like bottle up feelings and we talk about this on our show about therapy quite a bit and we talk about when you should try therapy. And it's not so much that you are experiencing a problem or you're at a crossroads in your life or something devastating happening in your therapy in this episode.

00:05:08 - 00:10:05

You'll see that there be a sort of like this muscle that you just have to work all the time. You don't go to the gym the minute you eat a hamburger you work out just to maintain your health. Same thing with therapy. You do this to maintain your mental health and in honor of national mental health awareness. Month as we said before also national. Api heritage month and also national masturbation month. All of the three things that are so again. It is important for us to recognize that we are huge. Proponents of therapy. We think it is important for everybody no matter where you are in life what you're going through even don't think you have problems. Trust me. we all have problems from our childhood. Yes goes all the way back and it. It takes a professional to help us unravel and undo all things that were said to us done to us that we were exposed to as a child i saw the funniest video tiktok that was like go to your own segment julia on tiktok finding a hundred percent. A lurker dodig contributor. But it was like what is the four words that you what every band to say and of course could be interchanged for eddie jeter but it was. I have a therapist word. Sue ever come out of someone. We got to normalize therapy. It's no longer. Thank for crazy people. Everybody is crazy. There's no such thing as normal we are. We are all some extent and it's good just to get a professional to help us exercise those mental health muscles. You curious like what are some of your experiences with Doesn't i guess doesn't have to be therapy per se but like have you had those moments that you did something like the internal work and it change like dating for you. I think everything. I've done a lot of couples counseling. That i've talked about quite obey therapy therapy and i went into therapy thinking. It's going to solve my issues. And i came out of therapy knowing that i have the tools to solve my own issue as opposed to looking for someone else to do it and i think what therapy has really done for me especially group. Therapy is to highlight that everyone has issues and there no issues that are too big or too small. Your truth is your truth. Whatever your issue is that you're going through right now. It's hindering your ability to fully love someone or to find love. That is a big issue. Whether on the grand scheme thing is like big or small. So i personally just believe therapy has just helped me find more clarity totally interesting point because i feel like sometimes you're like oh my love life like that doesn't deserve therapy but laying. It does deserve therapy affecting you. I mean i definitely turned to therapy after a break up for sure like i actually think i think of like two pivotal moments for me in my like dating life like of them was when i just was frustrated by dating like it was like after cereal dating all the time and nothing was going anywhere and i actually didn't turn to therapy. I turn to marty batista whatever path gas but it was kind of therapy like it wasn't really working out like your limiting beliefs and what was holding you back from dating and i think that's why like i'm so like bullish about like are like the sounding board audio we do because i do believe that stuff really can help you and it definitely changed my mindset and that's when i met my like most serious acts like right after that i mean. Was it my ex at the time but sip boyfriend after that kind of work right And then i went to therapy after. We broke up the first time. I mean there's stats. I think that like going after. The break-up is a pretty common thing. And you know like i started with better help actually our sponsor users code but i remember that was kind of like my gateway to therapy and it was really great but it was definitely like around the realm of him. Like that was the focus was less about me. And then i feel like i transitioned to person therapy and then it started to break down like me like every time i would talk about him. Turn it back on me. And i thought that was like really great Ways to go deeper on it. And i think honestly it changed me. I think i'm glad that break-up was brutal. But i'm glad it brought me the therapy because i think it changed me and made me much more introspective in take ownership. I think for my feelings. Like i think that was a minke severe distracted myself a lot like in the past like with external stuff and i didn't really like even take the time to sit with my own emotions.

00:10:05 - 00:15:02

Get really helped with that and i think it made me a stronger person overall helps you articulate your story. I feel like that's therapy. Kinda forces you to do is to talk about it. Out loud versus the other types of therapy that the media loves to portray like retail therapy. Those are distractions. Because they're not. You're not confronting your own emotions. But i agree i think just putting it out there and using your own words. Describe what you're going through sometimes. Just very therapeutic. I mean i personally believe this wholeheartedly and probably anyone that's listening to this podcast could see that you and i are both stand for this. But it's like i definitely think there are some external things that you can do to present yourself in a better light whether that's you know better dating profile or makeover. Whatever that may be. But i do really firmly believe that it's like the inside work that makes people dateable like i think a lot of times. I think what i was like. I mentioned having those times. Where things weren't really progressing. It was because i had done that work yet. Like i think that is such in. That's like when i think separates the people that are like blaming the apps blaming their city versus like taking accountability. Yeah and you have to realize. Therapy is not a band-aid enact. It's not like. Oh i'm going. Through break-up go to therapy. Oh am not getting the matches. I want to therapy. It's this muscle. We constantly have to work. And i think going to therapy on a regular basis especially when things are going well own is probably better than going when things are really bad absolutely and for anyone that really wants to dig into this topic we've covered. I mean we talk about therapy. We kinda hit a lot of episodes but we have a few that are really dedicated to mental health. We have teething and mental health. That was like one. That's the most allen's about possibly be about but we had a really great episode. I think it was season seven. So it's a little bit in the archives. You can search on spotify or apple podcasts. But ever using or our website always go dateable moncus dot com but also we had Dating with depression with tony. That was last season. That was a really great episode. I know a lot of people said like this really helped me. Because i feel like i have bouts of depression or i've dated a partner with experiencing depression in. I mean i've definitely experienced this too. It can be like one of the hardest things on a relationship so hearing other people's stories and reflecting is always imported. Rather you are the person that's going through it or the one that with someone that's going through it. Yeah we're very much looking forward for you all to hear. Brian's story and the story doesn't end with this episode. We're all on this journey. And the journey never stops so to hear him in the middle of his journey and where he's headed it's absolutely fascinating and insightful and that brings me to our question you know we Shit you at our new segment into dating advice. Here's a question we always get asked and now we finally get to answer it. What are the top three topics. You should not discuss on a date top. Ooh topics of yes very juicy or things. The juicy things that you should not be discussing on dates. Here's one i think is an absolute. No no is talking negatively about your ex. The she's a no. Yes there's you can talk about your previous relationships. Talk the talk about them in a in a positive light how much you've learned from them how much you've grown from them and leave it at that you don't need to bring in. What a bit. She was when an asshole he was. How it just left you in the dust and how a broke you. There's no need on a date. Keep lake keep it positive. I learned way too much about a pass states relationship. But i'm like yeah like never going to see you again. I should not know any of this. I like sex life money problems. Like i do not need to know this like cnn for your therapist like that should not be theory. That here's an episode of dateable. You should just exactly like that's like another thing is like. Don't want to be a therapist on a date. Like definitely a thin line of sharing like past traumas. But i think when it goes like especially in early dates like the goal of early dates is to have fun until i create new memories with this person. And i think. When you're so fixated on the past. It's really hard to do that. So i think you should get vulnerable in the sense of like fears or stuff that's like going to affect the current day or even like from your childhood. I think there's a time in a place. But i do think there is the line of having a conversation versus like being of venting session and that is that is a no no on a date. No one wants to be your therapist on a date or we're going to start charging two hundred fifty dollars or more or one bitcoin. Whatever whatever you just send the bill then mo.

00:15:02 - 00:20:05

You're like therapy bill. I think the one though that people do a lot that i think irks me is complaining about the dating apps. Oh yes. I don't wanna go on a date to hear you complain about dating app. The negativities draining like i think at the end of the day you have to think about like. How do you want to feel in a relationship. Do you wanna feel drained. Do you wanna feel like happy and you know. What are you trying to get out of this. And if you're doing the opposite feeling it's going to be really hard to find a partner because you're bringing that energy Yup and it doesn't set a weird mood for the date because more likely than not you probably met on a dating app. And here's this person complaining about the very resource that brought you to together. So how are you supposed to feel in that moment. kim feel very good and it's just. The overall theme of all three of these is just negatively negatively. Keep a fun. Keep it positive. We all want to date someone who's positive we're not trying to be miserable with someone else who's feeling miserable. At the same time we want someone to uplift us and we want to uplift each other so just keep that theme in mind is just anything. Negative it out the door when it comes to dating. But it's it's probably surprise for some of you 'cause according to those old dating books the three topics you shouldn't talk about on dates like religion and politics axe. I think he should go all of the. I think they're good. I mean yeah. Like i think all of this to its we. We don't believe in hard fast rule. So i don't want to say like you have to be positive one hundred percent of the time but i think there is something about the early stages of day day in the context of the negative. They like is it that you're helping the partner once you've established that trust or is it just a venting session. Yes the distinction. And if you do i agree. Do you. don't have to be positive like happy-go-lucky the entire date but you can be really authentic. Say i had a really hard time with the dating apps. It was really frustrating. But hey brought us together and very grateful for the dating apps because we are here together. You don't like show that transformation right. It's like going to corey's episode right all out how you at the storytelling episode going from. How do you tell that story. And that's the change that happened or the realization. You had. Yeah so there you go top three things to not talk about on a date be vulnerable. That way. Yeah positive vulnerability positive be. Yeah i think the vulnerability is so interesting to. We're gonna obviously dive way deep in this episode. But i think what i've learned from a lot of the episodes we've done is vulnerability. Does it need to be. I think this came up a lot on the dating trauma episode with china. S one of the crowd favorites. It doesn't need to be revealing your deep dark secrets to be normal. It can just be at the end of the daping like had a really good. I like it doesn't have to be something like prolific. It just needs to be something that like is putting yourself out there. A little and also vulnerability could just mean emitting too not knowing something that's vulnerable. If someone's talking about their job in an industry you have no idea about instead of pretending that you're nadia long. You know whether say to be vulnerable in the moment they actually. I have no idea what you do. And i don't know abo about this industry. Would you mind just giving me a little bit more information. People love that shit because they love talking about themselves exactly. So quick run up of announcements and then we'll get into sponsors. That will get into the meat of it As always checkout love in the time of corona. That's our facebook group. Follow us on instagram at dateable. Podcast for the people that really want the good staff. Join the sounding. Board dateable podcasts dot com slash sounding board. We have a killer audio series. We have a new episode coming out and people have just been saying how does has been helping them with personal transformation which is basically the crux of this episode like last month. We did all about identifying. You're blind spots when it comes to dating just a huge one or when you're in relationships to this doesn't stop once you've met someone it amplifies. What's he somewhat and it's just been i think what's great about the community is you can do it works for. You can listen on your privacy of your home or you can come to the monthly challenge discussion group where they actually like go in and i think janice mentioned actually on her episode. Like what group. Could you go there and straight face. Talk about all your fears and anxieties. And everyone's like i get it. I'm here for you. Isn't it amazing community. But also you do you. You make the community however you wanted to. You can interact the way you wanted to be an introvert and not have any of this virtual interaction. You do you again that make it yours. But we really loved that. This is an extension of our podcast. So you haven't gotten enough of us in our content through episodes. Here's another avenue for you to get. Even more information is when we can actually become friends real friends the pig f f but last announcement is leave us.

00:20:05 - 00:25:02

A review on apple podcast. We're almost at five hundred. That is our short way. We of course want to go way. Higher that five hundred there's way more of you than five hundred out there listening so please take like one second drop us a five star rating if you were so inclined even a one to two sentence review. That always makes us smile when we read us. So thank you vance okay. Let's get into our sponsors. This episode is brought to you. By z man games and array of fun games for adults one of which is called letter now in this card. Game your goals to win the heart of the noble princess who is looking for an ideal partner and confidant to help with her royal duties when she one day assumes the throne. Your goal is to enlist the characters in the castle to deliver your love letter while keeping other players letters away it's trickier than sounds powerful. Cards lead to early gains but make you a target and rely on weaker. Cards for too long and your letter may be tossed in the fire. I find it to be a fun and nice twenty minute mental break during the day. This two to six player card game fits in your pocket so you can take it with you anywhere. Love letters appropriate for ages. Ten and up and available for eleven ninety nine through zemun games. You can find it at target your local game store or directly through zeman's web store. This episode is sponsored by better help. We adaptable are huge. Fans of therapy in better help ca match you with your own licensed therapist and connect you in a safe and private online environment me. For example i was able to start communicating with my therapist in less than forty eight hours. It was so quick now. Better help is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches and it's more affordable than traditional offline counseling. They're licensed professionals specialize in everything from dating trauma stress anxiety trauma with a big t. A depression grief you name it. They have someone who's an expert in that we adaptable wish for all of you to live a happy healthy life and that's why it's a listener. You'll get ten percent off your first month by visiting our sponsor at better help com slash. Dateable join over one million people who have taken charge of their mental health. That's better help spelled. H. e. l. p. dot com slash dat ab l. e. Call so we hear it from brian. Ladies and gentlemen this is for the first time in dateable history. I bring you our most dateable winner. Brian clark everyone out. I really believe bad. The competition was pretty close. I'm not gonna lie. The other candidates for most dateable were incredible. But you really one our judges. Because of the v word vulnerability you were so vulnerable with your answers with your experiences with everything you're saying and it made what you said have so much depth and people felt connected to you so we're all curious to know. How does brian clark mister twenty. Eight years old. Living in the suburbs of maryland. He's been there for eight months. Originally from la bajada is the he says. No one can ever say that right. Yeah no one says it right. I like a lot of better. We could just call it or lapita. That's lovely the matta at maryland. He does not work there actually from there. He's pretty single. He's been taking a dating sabbatical. How mr brian clark become so vulnerable and be the vulnerable person that he is today. Let's start there. Take us back to before you became vulnerable. We'll was pre v. Brian clark like all right. Well we're starting off strong skillet right into it. Yeah i feel like this is an exam. Most so it's been a journey at the person who i am. Today is definitely quite different. From who i was even two three years ago. It was very quiet growing up. So i'm very much. That closeted gay kid in middle school. I was also that kid who also didn't really have any friends so i was. I was always afraid of connection. Because of also bullying. I experienced when i was in middle school so a lot of that. Set the stage for this very reserved very held back very.

00:25:02 - 00:30:10

Don't really trust people kind of personality that i carried into high school and also into college and definitely for part of my early twenties as well. The journey with vulnerability was sort of a logging for a while for most my early twenties. I was very much on the dating apps. going multiple dates. I was very into hookup culture for quite some time as well. But i would say. My growth with vulnerability didn't really progress for a certain amount ears. It would take sort of a series of other events to happen One of those being starting grad school In all these events that began grad school for me to kind of be pushed to this place where i was sort of at a low point in life and i do think to this day that it is those low points that kind of really force us to kind of look in the mirror and really challenge that identity we hold. So what were some of these things that happen to grad. School dieted old boy. Oh boy yeah so in. Most people probably don't know. I wasn't grad school for clinical psychology. So i wanted to become a psychologist at the time in. Anyone who's been degraded school knows that it is a lot Specifically a phd is a law and the first year through but the problem. Was that a lot of things sort of happened. My second year which is the hardest year for that program One of my closest friends at the time abruptly cut me out of his life. The short version is we were out drinking one night which we were always doing at that. Time yeah. He basically had told me that you know. I don't want you in my life anymore. Over something that occurred at the bar while we were both drunk and after that i had to sort of come to terms with this really emotionally traumatizing experience of losing a friend in also not having knowing why so having been therapy. I'm able to kind of look back on this. With a little more objectively and realized that i low self worth which is actually one of my core beliefs. I have a core belief. I've learned that i unconsciously feel that who i am. My core is not good enough so that could be not good enough for relationships not good enough for love not good enough for someone to like me for me not enough to for someone to want to be around me for just me and so. I do think that it's because of what happened with my friend. It was as of my core belief basically just said grabbing it in the air and said you see this is the evidence. This is why you're not good enough. This is the most evidence i've ever had in like and here it is and it was like basically that was being held over my head. That entire time so consciously. I guess wanted to disprove this. Even if i wasn't conscious of it. I wanted to disprove the fact that no i am worthy. I am lovable. I can make you know. I can find it. You know this guy referring to is the strongest connection. I've ever had with the guy. I haven't had many relationships. But at the time he was the strongest and i felt that i can love him and he can love me then. It's almost as if i'm proving that i am worthy when i made the decision to go back with my ex. I was very certain that were probably meant to be together. Like this. is the person for me. This is a person. I've had such a solid relationship with. He gets my humor and most people are like scared of my humor. So like that's like a huge deal for a guy to get my humor and yeah it just it. It wasn't the right place to start off her relationship. I think what's really unique about your story. Is you had a series of relationships. That weren't necessarily romantic summer. Romantic some word that got you to a point where you thought. I need therapy. Because they're not expressing myself to the fullest and for some reason. Conflict is hard for you and also the grieving process of losing a friend or losing a partner so you wanted to a system to process all of this but at twenty some years old. How did you know to seek therapy. Who how did even learn about therapy. Yeah so being a student in clinical psych. You'll learn a lot so actually was that. They were pissed for year as a trainee but in terms of sort of what brought me to therapy So going back to the second year all of this transpiring getting back with my ex And a lot of things just started happening so anyone who's gone back with an ax knows that the same issues come up again. Yup all did not go salim and that those issues with this s specifically were around communication on the surface.

00:30:10 - 00:35:11

I want to preface by saying my ex's a really great guy. Was you know thinking like oh what a dick like. No he's actually like a really great guy believe dig. Okay good We're still you know. Find no ill anything between us today. But he wasn't really raised to communicate emotions. Or really kinda. See that growing up not to say. I'm necessarily a genius at this either. But this created this very unhealthy back and forth with issues around me expressing my knees him not understanding what i'm saying or kind of unintentionally gas lighting every now. And then that culminated all of this in this breaker and when we were going through the break up i was at probably the lowest point at this point because i was experiencing symptoms of anxiety and depression because of grad school and i was seeking support and he basically informed me that he was not going to give me that support and it was interesting. It was almost as if like i. It was kinda like i stepped out of my body and like i just smacked myself and just looked at myself and said brian. What are you doing. It was one of those moments. And after that break-up i was just at such a low point that i couldn't pick myself up emotionally. It was as if you threw a glass sheet and it just shattered on the floor is the kind of the best way i can put it. It was one of those low points that we experience in life. That i i can't do this. I need therapy. I need someone to help me. Okay so just backing up a little. Is that you all. The stuff is happening in new about therapy. Because you're in school. Was this the first time you sat out there for yourself. That's a good question This was the first time i sought out there. So i sort of like wanted to seek therapy for a couple of years now but there were always sort of things getting in the way so career job working long hours wanting to do other things on the weekend hanging out with friends. There are always these things in the way so. I didn't really have that push. I needed and i think a lot of people who are in therapy now kind of know what i'm talking about this sort of this thing. That happens deck sort of it's either a mental shift or a life shift or something happens where you're like okay no like i'm ready for therapy and i'm gonna do it and for me. It really was the series of events of losing my close friend Everything that happened with grad school And my ex all in the same year. Just kind of brought me to this place where to be frank. I just couldn't get up on my own emotionally anymore. Like there was no other choice. I had to seek therapy. Because i couldn't even wing it anymore because my confidence had been pretty much destroyed. Wanna be too dramatic but like at that point. My confidence was pretty much gone. Everything i knew about where i was going in life i wanted to be a psychologist for highlight seven years at that point. I've been pursuing psychology. So my whole career plan was gone as well. So this thing that. I had defined myself for so long which was getting into this program. Becoming a psychologist was also gone with therapy. Let's start with what were some of the surprises that you found in therapy even though you been in this space. Maybe there's just something like in those first initial few sessions you're like i didn't really think that i would get this out of therapy so when i first started therapy i was very optimistic because i was so ready for change of so ready to for this process and it wasn't as smooth as i would have thought. There was this point about two months. In where i had looked at my therapist. Who's a woman in her sixties. I basically told her you know. I feel kind of frustrated. Because i feel like you're not giving the answers and i want you to give me answers you know and also don't feel like a lot of progress and she kind of looked at me and goes yeah. I'm not here to give you answers. I'm here to guide you. You're the one who decides where we go. You think that's such an important point. I guess for us to highlight. Because i think people think of therapy as like going to a tear car reading or like us psychic. Give me the answers. What am i supposed to do but therapy. Is there to guide you. So how were you able to make that shift from okay. She's not here to give me answers. She's really here to guide me. Not very easily I think i was a little annoyed by that. Sarah's like why. Am i paying you then like handling. We kept going though. Because i was at a place where i was very invested in therapy so i was willing to take what she said to heart in so it was sort of this this mental shift of like what i would realize later is taking back my power.

00:35:11 - 00:40:02

I'd say about december. So i started therapy in september and i'd say in december is when i started to sort of get more of the aha moments that started so we took a good couple months. Which is something. I think people really should kind of sit with. Is this kind of stuff. Takes time and you do have to be patient. Isn't something that sort of like you just flick on a light and oh like now i get it and i can start dating. Oh like it takes time and so in january and december this team of like giving away my power emerged. And i realized that i had actually been giving away power in many situations in life without even realizing with dating with career with friends. And this sort of lead into this greater sphere of really bringing it back to me so like one of the big things. I'm focusing on now. Is this very simple question. But it's very hard to answer in. That is what do i wait. So what are some of the ways that you were feeling that like you uncovered about yourself with data. Good friends in all that. Yeah it's hard to put into words because if somebody sessions merging together my head but basically instead of taking accountability for dating and relationships. And who. I'm choosing i was sort of always putting it on other people without realizing it like fringes with my ex. I can't believe he said that to me. I can't believe he wouldn't support me. Can you believe he wouldn't support me and my therapists you know kinda was like why. Aren't you supporting yourself. And at the time that came up very it came up very harsh shuts it right. Well that totally makes us. There's actually even this post in the facebook group today about like wire all men that i'm dating mostly unavailable and it actually may be think about like the episode. We do with connor beaten to when he totally turned some of the conversation. Around on me even and was like our you showing up. That's emotionally available and that's what you need to focus on. Not why all these other people aren't emotionally available and it's kind of a similar thing. It's like putting the emphasis back on you. That was a great episode. By the way. That's why. But it was like i mean the therapy side of it. It's definitely dislike trying to make you see because i think people can only be told Like until you're ready to see it until you're ready to do it. I think that was interesting. What you said is like for years. You kind of put it off until you made it a priority and i remember like the similar thing i think. Sometimes it actually takes that big event happening. Actually a reason why a lot of people go therapy is because a breakup like that's a very common reason to kind of jump started. I know for me. Therapy is kind of like dating to like you need to find the right fit of the therapist in. That's like why how it makes it really good like i've definitely had therapists that i'm like i'm not feeling the connection but that i have a therapist here that i was just like i love in a totally. Did the same thing like it brought out the stuff me without her being like do this in do that. Like you have to kind of pull it out yourself. But i think like the biggest piece was i went there for someone else to figure out what happened with that in that it came out with. Okay this is what's going on for me. They turned it around to be about. Like what is it for me. Yeah and i think that's probably one of my biggest surprises to with their is how much of it is turned around. You even things you don't think are even things like your social. Oh he did this. He did that or the therapist will bring it back to you. It'd be like well why you. Why do you keep choosing people who don't have the qualities that you need a lacking you give us more examples like that where you are sort of blaming the other people and in your therapists like let's bring it back to you. So one of the patterns there has pointed out of my few months ago was that i tend to jump when i am dating a guy or in a relationship. I tend to jump into it without being friends with him. I so there's usually this immediate going into the dating face without even trying to be his friend or b platonic and so that sorta developed this homework assignment. Which was how for now. And when you go meek guys or go on a date you just don't do anything physical just see if there is a friend connection. See if you would like this person outside of being attracted to them in some way. And i've been doing that I've been Although i would say. I'm on a dating sabbatical. I have gone on a few. I guess hang out slash dates in the last few months and i've been applying that mindset of when i meet this. I'm actually not gonna do anything with them.

00:40:02 - 00:45:25

I'm just going to talk to him. And then i'm gonna leave and that and then i'm gonna process so okay. I don't know if you've had this experience. But like i. I i relate very hard to this like back with x situation. 'cause i've been there by south and i think it's the longtime to like realize but was kinda under the hood they're like. I mean there was a side that i just did genuinely love this person and wanted to make it work for sure. Then the other side was. I think i had a subconscious belief that like no one else would understand me the way he did like. I wouldn't find someone else are. Did you experience any of those revelations. So i would say yes Mine was slightly different in that. A lot of this is tied to myself so really if i hadn't said this before. My biggest revelation is realizing that. I have low self worth ever. Since i've realized that i feel like i have so much more power and my decisions in when it comes to controlling my thoughts when it comes to controlling my feelings behaviors understanding where things come from the fact that i can understand that so much of how i think when it comes to negative things comes from self worth this unconscious. Belief has its transformative. So i wanted to say that. I but back to your point one of the ways that i realized i could get people to like me is through comedy in because of that i have claimed to sort of this persona of making people laugh as a way to connect as a way to like me. Oh like if someone's laughing at you or they can't not like you and so that sort of created this very strong. I need to make people laugh desire. That's linked to myself for in with my ex. He got my humor so well and he would always laugh at my jokes. I felt a very strong connection with that. I would say. I put a lot of power into the humor aspect and this sort of superficial if you will Qualities that we often have with relationships. That i didn't realize just how inauthentic in how not compatible. We really were until months after the breakup. The second time And so while it is a little. I related to what you said. Julie i do feel that when when i was in at the time i did feel that if i can't make this work. I'm just not lovable. But i also realized afterwards oh actually wasn't bringing my best self to this either. I was actually being inauthentic to without even realizing right. And how are you taking these learnings to dating even though you said you're dating sabbatical but when you are actively dating. How does this brian post therapy or a still in therapy. Show up two point. Oh brian to another survey like one point for most dateable. How does the most dateable. Brian show up for data. I would say it's still sort of being developed therapy in september and i'm still very much in a while. I'm having these revelations still very much not complete. I can kind of see the shadow of the person. I want to be in this long tunnel but i don't necessarily know what he's gonna look like this actualized person that i really wanna be because i'm not i'm not there yet. I say right now showing up for me really means pudding. Brian i And that's a very sort of deep question for me still because i'm still grappling with this. Larger question is what is that. I need because being able to answer what i need. Involves listening to my thoughts feelings in. Also this other element which i'm having more trouble with which is listening to my body because i disconnected from my body. Ever since i was a teenager in. I realized i was gay. There's been this cognitive disconnect for my body whereas what my body feels isn't unimportant is unimportant doesn't matter because that'll get in the way and at the time disconnecting my body was a survival technique. So that i would you know get by impasse in school but that carried into adulthood pretty much up until recently. I've ignored whatever it is. My body told me whether it's being uncomfortable whether it's being anxious whether it's being tired to sort of get through life in rather inauthentic way in so. I think that currently is one of my biggest hurdles lists been listening being able to reconnect with my body so that i can answer this question of what is it. I need right now. I feel like that's been like the theme of season. Twelve on this podcast. Because i totally get it like i feel like i've always lived in my head and i always try to justify behavior because i want to see the best in people but sometimes like you're like no i just feel anxious and that's a sign should be listening to it doesn't always need to like justify it and again they're not like a right or wrong person or bad or good person for doing that but sometimes it's just not compatible and i think sometimes like it when you feel it in your body like when you're feeling like this stomach pet like that's a sign and i think we need to start listening to that stuff more.

00:45:25 - 00:50:03

Yes so much. Power in what. You said julia. I'm i've just immediately thinking of so much of my twenties where i was a quote unquote social drinker. Which was basically me getting shit faced every week and getting now. One hundred percent relate to that i mean so yes numbing so much of that pain but it's it. It's that that behavior so culturally accepted that we don't even question it at that age And it's only now that i'm able to look back on it and be like wow. I required to trunk or pretty much blacked out in order just to hook up with the guy even just as sharon intimate yeah actual experience and some dates to be fra. At the time. I saw nothing wrong with that. Oh my god. I could sell relate to get way to drug god dates by all this data. Okay take it down a notch. And i think honestly at least for be. It took that time. When i was in therapy in when i went through that like intense heartbreak that i didn't really wanna go out and party and stuff. I mean i did fall into like a bit of a depression in that time and i was out for once in my life i was at one with my feelings though it in my own company like yours like when you were kind of going through. This was it primarily over covert or was it before cova that you are kind of having these revelations therapy this was all over so started than revelation starred in december got. It's you're kind of like slowed down pace of life by default almost than in covid types. Like was this the first time that you felt like you weren't turning to lake drinking in friends. And whatever other distractions that are out there. I can already hear my therapist. If she could hear this. What was she say she would be like. Your problem is she. She would never say your problem. This is how i hear her. She would your problem is that you are uncomfortable with not moving and i was like fuck. Yeah and that's a really hard under grass because especially in city environments were so used to just constantly go go go. I got this appointment this job. I got gotta drink starbucks. I gotta get dinner. I gotta get the kids. I got forgotten. Kids got to go get the kids again. Like it's just this constant every day lifestyle and so like you said julie. I was at a point where i'm living at home now. My parents i was also unemployed. At the time my career was gone. Everything i was there was a rock bottom. I had hit the the basement below that. So lay your story was rock bottom literally my parents basement and so like nothing had gone at plan in. I was grappling. I might therapists was basically just like we need to work on you being okay with not moving because you're putting all of these external pressures on you. So for instance my career not having my own place this kind of living with my parents. But you're not here. You're in the future you're in the past. You're giving power again with the power. You're giving power to other things instead of just live having the power here and it was a process. It was a process to slowly come to the point matt. Now which is. Let me just kind of be here. Let's take a break from this really insightful. Conversation with brian and here a quick message. Let's face it. It's a weird time to be dating or developing relationships. Have you recently decided that you want to make some changes to your love life. Maybe you've recently reentered the dating seed. Maybe you've gone on one too. Many dates that went nowhere. Or maybe you're ready to take your current relationship to the next level. That is exactly why we created the sounding board a true extension of our podcast that delivers a personalized experience which includes one on one coffee dates with us. A monthly dateable live after show exclusive audio content and much more allow julian. I become your dating sherpas to provide real time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board again. That's dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. Okay let's get back into this combo. Well you know it's like we go through so many feelings and emotions in a day but we have so many tools now for distraction that we only feel like two or three of the feelings throughout the day when we probably a hundred different things.

00:50:03 - 00:55:09

And i think something therapy has opened up for me is when i am uncomfortable or when i get into that situation where i'm feeling uneasy. Feel the feeling instead of trying to find some something to distract me like a drink or watching. Tv or scrolling through the internet. Because we do that so much dates. I've asked people. Can you do a survey for state. We've asked that right. This is why we have the hashtag summer. I kiss because i really feel like chemistry can be determined when you both people are sober and people will say well. What else am i going to do on a day. We can't sit there and not do something my hands gotta be touching something. I'd be drinking something. We just can't sit with our feelings anymore and therapy forces you to do that super uncomfortable but at least you recognize the different feelings that you're getting throughout the day and that's why covance been so damn uncomfortable for a lot of people because i mean like i did this consciously because i was in a low point in my life but like i feel like a lot of people just got thrown into this through covid. Not necessarily seeking out being at one with their feelings like going out like every night of the week at one point in my life to distract myself. People do that with dates all the time like. Maybe this is a good segue to some takeaways. But i think like this whole like you know distraction piece in like what is the root of what you're actually doing like i think so many times we think we need just fill the funnel we go on after day. We need to do x. Y. activity to meet people but a lot of times we really become dateable is when we get at one with her feelings. And it's the stuff that you don't think about like you think about like how to hack the dating app or like fix my profile but that stuff really actually is at least in my opinion. Not the stuff that really matters like it's when you get raw in real like sometimes that takes time like you're saying it's it's a process. It's not going to happen in like a weekend. Retreat like this is like an ongoing set. I think sometimes you have to be alone. Like you're taking a dating sabbatical so you need an alone time to start processing it and then you can like a merge back out once you've kind of had that opportunity to process more and to your point about the dating sabbatical i had been on apps pretty much all of my twenties in some way. Another tender hinge. You name it. And so when i finally took all the apps off my phone as i deleted them off my phone didn't put him in a little. I deleted them off of iphone delete button. It was very uncomfortable. Because i no longer had this outlet where i could go in seek what i thought was Potential matches but in reality being on the app was probably the biggest barrier to all of this stuff on discussing. Like i said i have the low self worth core believed in when i'm on an app it's basically like a buffet for my low someone because people don't respond for whatever reason people ghost on match people. Don't swipe right on you. People don't super like people there's just all of these constant for a low self worth core believed to be grabbing acting like us see right here like someone wouldn't respond like god like. Why do i feel so shitty right. Now feel shitty all the time. But i wouldn't understand why like this guy screw him like whatever now. I know it's because it was just constant food. My core belief and so when i took all the apps off it was finally there was suddenly no more evidence for my core beliefs to grab onto and there was this quiet And then when you go back like eventually now you have the skill set to be like okay. This versus dot responding. They could be like not even active on the south like they could have a significant other. Like you don't necessarily a turn to. It's all about me. And i think i always say this to people. It's like if you're in a low point like especially getting over a breakup like people think like i'm just going to download the app and i'll be okay and you need a thick skin when you're dating this day and age like it's not a walk in the park if you're already in a bad place like i remember doing the same when i was going through this period like this was the first time i was truly single in my entire life. Like no one in the picture. And i think it's like i just couldn't handle it like i was already at such a low that like i couldn't have that additional lows that came with eating so i think like really like to date. You need to be a good place mentally like that is such an important piece of dating. Yeah the biggest thing i'd say from a takeaway from therapy i've had is that my therapist said today how she said she said the relationship is only as strong as its weakest link. That's really helped me kind of frame relationships now. In under saying that i if i'm not able to bring my best complete self it'll be sort of kind of like a with sort of like a rotting pillar something something that's kind of weak and like windfall over if a big us to win pushes it too hard.

00:55:09 - 01:00:00

If i don't have my career in order how how am. I bringing that into the dating. If i'm unhappy with the career. I have and i hate my job. I'm unconsciously bringing that into the relationship. If my main thing is like oh like i need to party and i need to drink. Every weekend will why is that. Why is that my main coping mechanism not to say like you know. All drinkers is coping. But like in the specific scenario. So there's all these questions i have now about. How do i make myself more complete. So that when i do go into dating my pillar strong absolutely i my biggest takeaway from this conversation is you said something earlier brian. You said I learned from therapy to put myself. I and i wanted to pause there. Because i think some people could misunderstand the statement putting yourself. I is different than being selfish. Putting yourself first means whatever it is. You're feeling in the moment. Ask yourself how you're feeling first before you try to guess what the other person's doing what they're thinking guests of why they can't like you back why they can't change their behavior. We have to start with our own. Actions are in our own thoughts. I and so something. We always see in dating. Especially when i was doing dating coaching very similar to therapy is that people come in seeking answers about some not. I've never met not my client but they wanna know. Why isn't she texted back. Why doesn't he like me. Why did this break up happened while. I'm sorry i don't know the this other person. I know psychic i cannot tell you but can you show what better for this relationship. And how can you be a better data. That's putting yourself first. That's what that means. So i really loved that you brought that up to have that as other takeaway too because i think it's so important. I think i like i've struggled with years. I think some of it does come from like the low self. Were to that. You're like oh this person likes me. You know like i'm going to now. Adapt to like thick fit in with them. In like be i mean i think i was the cool girl for so many years that i was adaptable and yet you know i'm not being adaptable as a bad quality. But when you're like self sacrificing your own needs. It is problematic. I'd be afraid to share my needs. Because i didn't wanna like rock the boat in like make this person like upset in wanna leave in not the cool person for them and i think like there's there is the selfish feeling about being like my needs come first but at the end of the day like they do come first and like i love what you're therapists said like instead of blaming these other people it's like like finding people that meet your deeds like we always say that one of the reasons why a lot of people are single is because they're chasing people that aren't available yeah people and it's like you're not asking for much just asking it from the wrong person and i'm saying that as someone that's been there before so not not talking down to anyone definitely have wasted many years. I should say wasted learned for many years of you know like trying to like. Make someone something that they weren't right right. I mean that's we always ask that to. Julian are always like i. What do you like this person because you always a person to like me back. Do they like i first and foremost do you actually like so so i just want to catch on real quick. So that was my revelation last week of this question of eyelid. Been telling my therapist because there was this guy went out with and basically short story is he. He didn't message me back after the date. After i'd met him i was left on red. And so of course all the feelings start all the thoughts start and then a way stop. Let's pause. Why am i so worried about what he what about what i wait a second. I keep asking myself. What is he want. Oh does he want to be a does he. Does he want to hook up interested in me romantically. Well the way. I don't even know what i want for this guy that question. So why am i so you should've seen my therapist. She was just like. I've been waiting for this for so to all the like the work comes to full stop. But that's really awarded that you took that second it's like how does this person make me feel like what am i looking for. I'm looking at someone that makes me feel secure and happy and then leaving you on is none of the above right. So it's like why chase them it's so liberating to come to that revelation. Because you're like actually just showed me great move on find that person that is and i thought i was so like oh like oh yeah i got dating in like i'm you know i know what i'm doing looking meet communicating. I want to know what the guy thinks. i'm so direct.

01:00:00 - 01:05:05

I was like praising myself this behavior and then the whole time and then there was this moment like why am i so concerned. In that moment. I will say that moment ever since then. My confidence started come and my confidence has been gone for most of this year almost a year now since all this started with my break up with school this is the first time this past week or two that i felt my confidence slowly. Come back into me and that has been the most amazing feeling started with this switch of just saying what about what i want. Marvin and this is exactly why you are most people. This is why. I think people think like oh being most stable must mean you get most date. You're the most wanted. And i want people to just stop. Because that's it's not a popular. It's not a popularity contest. Being most dateable means you have enough self awareness that you're humble and that you know you're constantly evolving as a person so you're constantly learning about yourself and other people would makes you dateable is your vulnerability and your openness to change and not being stuck on these rules or the school of thought. The old brian were the new bryan. You're not tied to these outcomes. Your your mission is to become the best version of yourself. And that's what makes you most dateable and find someone that also loves that version right and yes i right. That's that's the goal at the end of the day. You both are so sweet. And i cannot tell you how much i've enjoyed talking to you. And how much. I loved dateable and how happy i am to be on here. You both are amazing. And there's one thing. I did want to say as well before he and in that is you know anyone listening right now if you're at a point where you're you know you're thinking about therapy but you're unsure or you've wanted there for a while but you're not you just feel like you kind of need that extra push because i remember when i was in that space of uncertainty in i wanted. I wanted someone to tell me. It's okay if you want that sign here it is. It's okay go to therapy can only make you a better more actualize person. It is okay to go to therapy. I love that. I'm so happy. You said that too. Because i mean like therapy has made strides over the years but there is still stigma in for a lot of people that don't have this ass present and i think like you and i are clearly proof therapy believers because we've also heard for over five years. We've been doing this podcast. The people that have shown the most evolution a lot of times therapy was a major reason for that change so and i mean we experienced it firsthand within ourselves also so totally agree with you but i think like just like hearing your story and like hearing people like be like i came out from a low to a confidence and also just like having the confidence to know that you might hit that low again. But you'll work your way up like that's part of life in the evolution. It's it's not. Like i said as donna weekend retreat. It's kind of like a forever forever thing that you're going through. Yeah let's get like really intimate rate here because for anybody who's made it to the end of this episode and means that you must believe in to some respect and you are curious about it but the people who truly need therapy probably did not even play this episode. I bet you anything because they don't think it's relevant for them so being a good friend that you are. You're listening right now and you have a friend who's more more concerned about getting more dates or getting more matches. Send them this episode. Because what they're looking for is a superficial change that is setting them up for failure there. What they're building is a week house with pretty paint and that paint eventually will chip off but when you have a good foundation which is what you get in therapy. Then you're able to house the people in in your space who are also strong. Who also wanna be along for the ride so if you want to be a good friend send them this episode and say you know what i really think. You could benefit from listening to this. Wow i love that analogy you. A that was great therapists and train. I'm studying for my exam fabulous. Well thank you so much. Brian for being vulnerable. And i guess we never really talked about this word. When you've demonstrated vulnerability this entire time vulnerability to me is just having the courage to state your needs and state your feelings. That's what it is. It's it's a very courageous thing to do so bryan. You've demonstrated that without actually saying the word on being vulnerable. Hey that's the best thing. You're not like i'm funny like you just are funny right. So hard without showing us your card brian. Yeah that'll be my dating profile headliner and for all of our listeners.

01:05:05 - 01:07:15

please please. We love getting guests. Who are vulnerable and software like brian. And we only get these guests because we have great reviews. An apple podcasts. You could do the same if you haven't done that yet. Us a five star review with a little something nice about us and this will be our basically our currency to go out there and find better guests who are bringing the content that you love in our life changing. So thank you for doing that if you haven't done that already. And thank you again brian. we will wrap this up in true dateable. Fashion data dateable dateable. Podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more. Podcast you'll love at frolic dot media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation. I follow us on instagram. Facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcasts. Tag any post with a hashtag. Stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums also downloadable for free on spotify apple. Podcasts google play stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable. Lows has more of what trade pros like. You need to get the job done. That means more delivery options more convenient to fit your schedule and more savings to fit your budget more of the brands. You trust the most more of everything you need all in one place. That's why in the past year more electrons landscapers. painters plumbers. Another pros helped make lows the new home for trade bros. us only.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.