S12E20: Single on Purpose w/ John Kim

Dateable Podcast
June 22, 2021
Listen this episode on your favorite platform!
June 22, 2021

S12E20: Single on Purpose w/ John Kim

So you're single...but are you single on purpose? And why do we stop working on ourselves once we get into a relationship? You're about to find out as we dive in with the angry therapist himself, John Kim, about how he realized post-divorce that the problem lied in his sense of self.

Single on Purpose

So you're single...but are you single on purpose? And why do we stop working on ourselves once we get into a relationship? You're about to find out as we dive in with the angry therapist himself, John Kim, about how he realized post-divorce that the problem lied in his sense of self. We discuss building a fulfilling life beyond just loving someone, how to really masturdate, and why it's so damn important to cultivate your relationship with yourself whether you're single or not.

Follow John @theangrytherapist and visit the and read 'Single on Purpose' today!

Thank you to our partners for this episode:

BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month of online therapy at with the code DATEABLE

Title Nine: Get $10 off and free shipping on orders over $100 by going to

Prose: Get 15% off your first order of custom shampoo and conditioner by going to

Z-Man Games: Check out Love Letter for $11.99 at Target, your local game store, or directly through Z-Man’s webstore.

Episode Transcript

S12E120: Single on Purpose w/ John Kim

00:00:01 - 00:05:05

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves.  I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

happy season finale. who listeners. Welcome to another episode of dateable. Show all about modern dating where we're going to wrap up the season with how to be single on purpose and what it means to be single and how to relish in being single and at the same time balancing wanting today wine to be in a relationship. And don't worry we're not going anywhere basically. We're still here every week. So if that was a fair of yours no fair. But i still can't believe we're at the season finale of season twelve. It just keeps going. You know like this is the gift that keeps giving. There's always new material of the world of data relationships. We're not gonna stop going start. The season ending doesn't mean we stop and we are constantly thinking of new topics in fact we have a list of like at least a million topics julie. Eileen million obviously a billion say. But i think this is a good also. Call out that you can always submit your story. We're always looking for new stories. Also in addition to our running list of topics. So if you want to submit the form of its dateable. Podcasts dot com slash story. I think that's always a great idea to give us new ideas where we're very open to do ideas and then also really going on the topics that we've been wanting to talk about. Yeah you can also. Dm us dan on instagram at dateable. Podcast or you just talk us asking for you way. So like shows up at our house please. The loonies cleese talk about looting. There's a cup of coffee. I don't know that's just in my dreams. You know what's funny though. It's like i feel like i've been thinking about the question. You asked all week lasting about the wedding speech ready when that miss that. Go back to last week's episode. You a brought up the sweating speech That she was at the wedding and heard the meed of honor. Matron of honor giving the speech sooner and it was basically about like should your partner be your priority and i've been thinking about it all week and i feel like it also plays in very well to this week's episode. We were super excited to get junkin. We've been following him for a long time because he's kind of like your priority should be yourself in a way if you don't have your baseline down you can't be a good partner to someone else. i asked a few other friends about this because her exact words were prioritize. Your partner above everything else above your family above your children above your work above your dreams of your soul and it was interesting to see what people bring into the question Has some of the women. I spoke to were like. I can't believe he said that. He's just so possessive. And i was like way. I said the matron of honor. Oh yeah we're like well. He is obviously one of those patronizing men who believes that their partner should put them on a pedestal. Way we know it was a woman and some women have said oh. I've been in really bad toxic relationships where i put my partner as priority above everything else including myself and i lost my identity. Yes there's of that too. I personally one of the things that i would screen for when i was dating was like does this person feel good about themselves as whole and i think like i've run into issues before where that hasn't been the case it bites the relationship later because i think ultimately you need to feel good about yourself to give to another person but that being said i think we could also get into this like endless loop of self development in. That's also a dangerous place to because of your never relieving to other people can't actually. Yeah exactly. I was like talking to a friend the other day and she's like ship. This relationship stuff is hard. Like i wasn't expecting to like get all my own self shit like reflected at me yet. You hear that all the time that relationships are basically a self reflection. And i was like i saw this quote somewhere that people the jumped ship when it gets too hard work on themselves but really like that is kind of like an out in a way because it's safer because someone's not like pudding magnifying glass up to you. See where your issues are. You're basically saying like i'm gonna go work on it myself and he don't have that accountability but also other situations somewhat should work on it themselves.

00:05:05 - 00:10:05

So it's a very hard line. i think it. We've been talking to a lot of our listeners. Who have found partners in the time. They've started listening to our podcast And i love to credit us for the honors. But when you step back and think it's not that the podcast has helped people find their people. It's podcasts including ourselves has helped people find the right relationship decree the right relationship. And i've said this quote before from the founder of hand. She says you don't find the whining you create the one together and that what is exactly what resonates with me about this episode. It's like we can't sit back in our dating. Lives and think. Well i'm going to be single now and i'm or i'm dating now and i'm gonna find this thing that i'm looking for nowhere constantly working on being in a healthy relationship even wing you are single and i hope that's what people are taking away from. Dateable is that we are prepping everyone to be in healthy relationships totally and i think that's a good point now that i loved about this episode to his heat single on purpose it does he actually says you don't have to really be single to be single purpose like you can be in a relationship but you should still have that sense of salve devote time to it and i think that is really important because i think sometimes even in a relationship you end up spending all your time together. You can't like merged together but having your own interests in having your own perspective still. That's what attracted someone to you in the first place. So you don't want i. I am very conscious of losing that stuff. And i think that's the statement in the speech. I of course want to make my partner priority but putting them as the only priority. I fear that that would happen. Yes and then you lose everything else and then what happens. You're just like lost in this relationship. I do feel. I did hear a friend of mine respond to this question. And she said you don't put your partners priority. You put your relationship as priming interesting point too because in the last week my partner and i were traveling and sometimes when you're traveling you come across conflicts all the time right definitely exit out every time. Something happens and it could be something so small for him. There was a point where he was getting annoyed at me. And i didn't realize it but i could tell. He was annoyed in some way. And for me. When i am annoyed the last thing i want is someone in my face like are you okay. Is everything okay. Let me make better for you. So i love myself in. I put him in my shoes and was like. Oh if i'm annoyed. I just want to be left alone for him. When he's annoyed he wants me to be in his face like coddling him. Yeah baby you. Everything's gonna be fine so we had this conversation. I had to put myself aside for it and think if i were to prioritize our relationship what would i do while then. I would prioritize stepping forward and being in his face and helping him and being a partner for him as opposed to putting myself first and thinking. I would step back. So that is is the the mantra i can telling myself in my head as you're putting the relationship as priority. I like that and maybe some of putting the relationship. I is both people taking individual time or focusing on other stuff because that would make less resentment in the relationship as a hall or make it more interesting because you can come back and have new things and shared experiences to talk about like. Maybe that is the way that you cut alike prioritize at all and julie for you being in a new relationship. Am you know in the beginning of a relationship. You wanna spend all your time together trying to catch up on years of not knowing each other and at some point you're going to have to like figure out the whole meantime situation to what do you think when you guys get to that point. What do you think your me time. We'll be what would you think you'll you'll be craving at that point. That's an interesting wide. You don't like we do spend a lot of time together right now. But i don't feel like deprived of meantime So i'm having trouble with it because there's not really like something that like. I'm like feel like a missing right this minute either. Kinda have me time right now because my boyfriend's gone for a week so for a week. Yeah like in the meantime in the moment like what am i doing right this minute. I'm talking to you which i always do anyways. I think honestly. Maybe it's working on more personal projects like like carving that out again like i think even though doing stuff that's like just gives me joy of like i was like over covid. I was like painting like doing stuff. That doesn't really have a purpose. But i enjoy doing it. And i think that stuff may be goes to the wayside a little now. Because it's like you're balancing someone new plus. I feel very strongly about not like totally throwing my life outta whack. When i'm with someone new so i'm very conscious of like continuing to make plans with friends.

00:10:05 - 00:15:02

Like keep that side of my life going also. Maybe maybe sleep. That's what i would say. I think i've just been burning the candle little too much as maybe what is been the effect of it more. Because i feel like when i'm not seeing him. I'm like making plans with someone else a friend. I don't want those relationships to go to the wayside. Or i'm like putting our dateable stuff in. Maybe it's just like downtime. I haven't been watching much like tv. And stuff. and. I once was and honestly. I'm okay with that. I don't need to be doing that. As much as i may be was during like kovin and stuff But maybe that's what the me time is that i've been putting down. Downtime is so important and we are so guilty right now for trying to fill up our every hour of the day. But downtime i think is the most valuable meantime for my saly at the fomo is back not gonna lie foams back i find my god. Yeah and i'm like. I want to be part of that. The meeting new people. That's back all the extroverted activities are back in. I'm slowly prepping myself and something else. That's back is sexy time. people are having sex. I'm hearing it. i was like. How do you view. Hey are you like running a poll i did. I ran a poll. A random polaner instagram meant. It wasn't like who's hasn't shakes. Maybe saw that poll it was dot like. Maybe we should get right this minute photo doing in florida. I did ask a question. Remember the poll. We put up. That was how did you learn about different sex positions. Yes and missionary. That's a little different than having sex right now. Yes we're going to put up a poll of having sex right now. I thought it was really fascinating that most people wrote friends as who how they learn about different sexual positions from and then cosmo was number two but france is number one. I would say those are mine for sure. Like i think friends was definitely it just like hearing people talk and like being like what is this. Really okay yeah. Okay maybe the. How did the french. Where did the friends learn it. Just that one was in the one that started at twelve. Listen the helicopter is and you're like oh shit. Please tell me more patient zero. Who are they learning. A from their parents a play five. You may be like yeah. I guess it's interesting because our listeners. Are you know. A lot of us are millennials. I would say that's probably the bulk of our listeners. In probably gen-x taxed so. I'm curious if people that were more like younger millennials or gen z would say porn in the more. Because i think that's like just a byproduct of the generation. We couldn't look that stuff up as much on the internet. That's true that's true. I would say because my answer would be poor. I guess that would be later in life or i guess. Vhs porn scrambled unscrambled showtime. I still always think about. I told i talked about this. The episode with matt a while back about like how like we used to steal cable growing up in all of a sudden like shoot porn. We'd be like watching like a nice g. rated movie and it'd be like people fucking my parents turn it up keep it on. I guess that was my exposure to sex but it was like traumatic. Keep it on. I was like well this happening. Rubbish shelf space. What is he doing to her. Daddy make us stop. Yes exactly. I was like please back to peachy movie fake. That's a good point as a child. Porn must be the scariest thing. It's horrifying. I rather watch a horror movie than porn. That's a child porn versa. Now i know you like porn. I'm i i know you do. I've never been someone that's into it like doesn't do anything for me like nothing. It's just so entertaining for me doesn't have to turn me on set design wearing. I like to see how shaven they are. Poll of how porn stars like to like to fuck and they're all very different. Yep i guess that is why you really wanted lou. On my cleaning so throwback to that episode of ubisoft it that's a that's an affect wide remind people who that is our yes so by house cleaner lou. He was a former gay porn star like he was like a big auburn. Big porn like literally and figuratively but like a big porn star. That like he was on covers of magazines. This was like in the golden days when it was like you were celebrity.

00:15:02 - 00:20:02

If you are a porn star this wasn't just like amateur hour. Put something on the internet lukasz peanuts. It's huge. I can verify i. That's kind of a pre requisite of your district right not going to be like. Yeah i mean it's not going to be a micro pena's but also we. I met him in person. We had him on an episode. He came to my apartment to to record. And i was not expecting how big a he was he was willing to show to. He didn't show us in person he will. It's like what was happening. While i was at the after he would've pulled it out if i how'd you set one hundred percent prelude me client spur of not a pink. Us he cleaned. Us ex-boyfriends placed for years for years. He gives me all the t- julie all the t- there wasn't that team i know. Yeah was it works really well well. Speaking of t. Should we get into our question of the day of the week of whatever we're calling it here nude segment. Our new segment are dating advice. Segment this this question is very much related to what we've been talking about. The question is how do you know when you're getting too comfortable being single and we've heard this from multiple off from our community as well who are so good at masturbating who are going through personal development. Who loved that me time and then you get to a point where you think. Am i happier being alone. I am i no longer. Am i no longer making space for someone else. So when do you think you're too comfortable being single So that i feel like is a really hard question actually for me to answer. Because i'd like in the thick of this. It's actually funny. I was looking back on the deeds. We've recorded this. Which john john kim the day before i went on my first date with boyfriend. Oh crazy so it was like right in the thick of it. I know it's taking a little time to get out just because we want to save it for the finale. And but i think this whole like thing about you'll like here at the episode. It's kind of like real time processing of like being single and being okay with it and now like being in a totally different stealing two months later things could change at a moment's notice. But maybe you go first because like i need a little thought to like what. I'm going to answer us. So i think being too comfortable being single. I've definitely been there where i was so happy being alone. That the thought of having someone else in my life seemed like a burden seem like a nuisance or seem like a would take away from my life and i thought that was a red flag was wing. You no longer can make space for someone else because you can. You only want to make space for your yourself. And i don't think there it's not like a once you get to that point. There's no going back. of course there's going back. But that's when i think i hit that point of ra. Maybe now it's time to get myself back out there and start dating again to even get excited about the idea of dating. I have a. I have a great friend An awesome friend named sonica. Who loves you julie. Because she says she. Unm her are so similar in your romantic ways. And she and. I had dinner the other day. And she said i really love being single and dating and those were the things that she meant to their. They're part of the same family single and data loved that she can go meet different people and get to know them and explore and learn and but she also was so happy being not in a relationship either so i thought she was in a really good spot she was just like i like dating dating still excites me. It's still fun. I think when you're when you don't think of dating as fun and you think of as a bird and that's when you gotta to back and think okay i got a like mindset here. I personally think the best time to beat. Someone is when you're comfortable being single. Oh yeah like. I feel like that's when you have your sense of south that's been baked. Which is what we're gonna talk all about in this episode. But i think that is the perfect time to let someone into your life. And i think it can sound daunting. You're like everything's going. Well like why. Do i need a switch up. But i don't know at least from my experience. I think when you meet the right person you're in you. You are in the place like you just said like that. You're still open to meeting people. It's not like you're closed off. If you meet the right person you're gonna wanna naturally make time for them. Like i definitely saw that happen with myself. I before i met my current partner.

00:20:02 - 00:25:07

Like i was like i'm totally fine. If this ends up being my life. Like i have enough people in my life that care and love me even if it's not a romantic partner but when i met that romantic partner you i wanted to make space because i really just like to be with them and i think that happens in. I like what you said of what we're is your head space in this situation. Is it that you don't want to be with someone because you've got jaded new given up on people that you're trying to date or is it that you're just you know doing self love and getting to know yourself in finding love and all other places because i think those two mindsets very very different absolutely. You don't want it. You don't wanna do anything out of spite and you don't wanna do anything because of how the past has jaded you so i think that's what the self love comes. In helps you heal from those pass dating traumas and situations that jaded you but being single is you. Can i feel like being single and being in relationship all of it is a transitional period. Were always in a transitional period. So you're writing your single. That's not like the how you're going to be forever. And when you're in relationship lotta times that's not how you're going to be forever either so just constantly be open to the change and be open to know that. Here's my status today. But that could change in the future. And i'm open to that change. I think that's a really good point. Co taught to be like couple months ago. I would have been like i can't even badge. Sheriff competitive was somewhat at the state middling so used to being on lake. Not doing that for a while and now i actually like find it easier to be asleep with when they're which is like a total one eighty and i think some of it is the fact that you know like what you just said. It's just embracing that. Life is always in a constant state of flux. What is good for you today. Might change totally and if it's not changing for the better that's when you can reevaluate like is this the right place for me like if you found that. Let's say you met someone and you were happier before being single. Maybe that means that. That's not the right person or you actually do prefer to be single. And i think you can like kinda double click on that and be like okay. What does this mean but if you are in now in a relationship with you're happier that doesn't mean that like you weren't happy before it's just a different type of happy yes and it shows a how adaptable we are. Don't think that your state today is going to stay the same. They show that within forty eight hours of entering a country. You can pick up the accent hours so within hours of having someone in your life you can probably pick up on habits and then morph into a third person with with that person so just know that you are constantly absorbing the environment around you and being single is just one of those temporary states. Yeah i think it's like another thing too is sometimes people may be on the flipside complain about being single right like i hate single in i the way i look at it is like there's good and bad of being in a relationship and being single in all stages of life like i was talking to a friend of mine with and she's like look like there's times that i wanna might narrow and then there's other times i'm like i'm so lucky to have this amazing family and i think that's really how all of it is being single like if you look at it you're like i have the ultimate freedom. I can do what i want. I can make more time for like my friends and family and other people. That aren't necessarily a romantic partner. More meantime downtime all the stuff but then when you're in a relationship there is the positive of like having that person that partner that you can do things with your confidante all that stuff so i think there's pros and cons to every stage and i personally would rather fix it on the pros of each stage. That'd be like dwelling in the cons because while you are single you might as well enjoy the stuff that might not be as readily available like you might not have like an hour to go. Watch some random ass. Tv show when you have children like it just might be the same thing. So it's like you might as well enjoy that in that stage of life in know that it might not be forever probably won't be forever. Yeah very well said. Take advantage of your time right now. It might not. You might not have that time back for a while. Yeah single on purpose love it. That's the whole of the game that were going on. Let's do a quick rundown of announcements what we've got this week as we have a special pride livestream that our moderator ryan at his boyfriend plus special guests from the community will be leaving in the facebook. Love in the time of corona. If you are listening to this wednesday it is two nights at five thirty pm. Ps st eight thirty pm. Es t. and definitely join us. I'm super excited to join. They're gonna go through like a bit of the history of pride and then also here personal experiences from members of the community again.

00:25:07 - 00:30:03

that's june twenty third so lucky your calendar because it may be the day you're listening to this episode get onto out yes and then the other announcement is follow us on instagram. We are probably like our most engaged. Social channel outside of the facebook group We growing ally so thank you all for follow. Agus love to see the followers. Come in also leave a review. We are so close to five hundred reviews. Some of the ones that have covid lately have warmed my heart. And you know there's other ones that are like please get to the point. Skip the intro. But you forward button all right. Yup there's a four button but also like you know ever. We hope you leave us. A good review. That's really there's a lot of tivat energy that goes into podcast. I personally feel like if i listened to a podcast. It's not my cup of tea. I don't feel the need to review it. I just move on but hopefully if you've made it this far you're dow with it because we hear the people that just love this. Podcast love the intros. Like people have said it's like you're like in the room with us. It's like feels like we're all hanging out and having fun so we are still very much. Offer the intros again. You can always hit the forward button. It starts around twenty to thirty minutes in. You know it by now so we've also heard from listeners. That they listened to the intro the day it comes out and then they go back and listen to the whole episode when they can digest it more. So you've gotta find what works for you. Any any listening pattern is good with us but we do give away a million dollars in the intro. So it is listen. We're like talking to the wrong people because they're the ones that listen every week. That are here right this minute there like i've never heard that come up an easter egg. Yeah we gotta find it but yes please help us out with the reviews honestly the ratings of the reviews everything in this world and this is a free podcast so if you want to give back to us that is our one. minor request is to drop a rating. It takes point five seconds. If you just leave the five stars and it helps us grow in a helps us find even better guests which is what we love to do is bring you the best content. We can possibly give you a to have access to these guests. We gotta have those reviews right. John kamm john kim. Today i mean part of why he was able to do this is that he sought was a legit podcast right. So yeah this is directly impacts who we get on this podcast. So we're almost to john. Let's do a quick message from our sponsors. This episode is sponsored by better help. We adaptable are huge. Fans of therapy in better help can match you with your own licensed therapist and connect you in a safe and private online environment me. For example i was able to start communicating with my therapist in less than forty eight hours. It was so quick now. Better help is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches and it's more formidable than traditional offline counseling. They're licensed professionals specialize in everything from dating trauma stress anxiety trauma with a big t. A depression grief you name it. They have someone who's an expert in that we adaptable wish for all of you to live a happy healthy life and that's why the listener you'll get ten percent off your first month by visiting our sponsor at better help dot com slash dateable. Join over one million people who have taken charge of their mental health again. That's better help spelled. H. e. l. p. dot com slash dat ab l. e. This episode is sponsored by pros. I used to think that having soft and healthy hair took way too much maintenance. So i sorta gave up especially when my hair became super frizzy and wavy in my late twenties. Then pros came to the rescue with personalized hair care products. I you take an in-depth hair quiz with interesting questions. Around where you live your diet. And your lifestyle. And i was surprised that they even factored in the l. a. pollution to my personalized with over fifty billion formula. Combinations pros can give you a unique blend of ingredients that caters to your every strand and follicle sends using my personalized pre shampoo. Mask shampoo and conditioner. I've notice such a freaking difference. My hair feel softer and healthier. Pros is a healthy hair regiment. With your name all over it. Take your free in-depth hair quiz and get fifteen percent off your first order today. Go to pros dot com slash dateable. That's p. r. o. s. e. dot com slash dat ab l. e. for your free in-depth hair quiz and fifteen percent off. So should we get to the angry therapist himself. John kim. ooh so angry. He's riled up he's right ago. Let's do it when we think about therapists.

00:30:03 - 00:35:02

Sometimes we equate that to someone who was very calm and soothing and listens and is compassionate. And i love that our guests for this episode as branded himself as the angry therapist. His name is john kim. He's forty eight years old. He's lived in. California has whole life originally from korea. And he's a in a monogamous relationship right now so in his own words. He says he's a therapist. Who went rogue and humanize himself after divorce and he started a popular. Blog called the angry therapist. He's a bestselling author of two books. As i is called a used to be miserable fuck in everyman's guide to a meaningful life and his most recent single on purpose bind yourself. I a miserable. Fuck you got us at that. Those words alone we were like solved. So let's start. What does it mean to brand yourself as a therapist who went rogue wet. What happened after divorce. Oh man well let me just first say that You guys are so pro. This is amazing like four. I just I in lake arrowhead. I literally five minutes ago. Got off by motorcycles sat down. I had unbutton my pants. Because i'm forty eight. I'm bloated my. My podcast is literally just like almost talking to my phone in a garage and so this feels very in studio with no pants facade. That we're professional your birthday today right chad. Is it real tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow. Early birth thank you yes. I went rogue meaning. I tried to my shirt in. I worked in High end treatment. Centers i My dream was to become a therapist. With the nondescript office in a long time my hand in those know the silver balls that it wasn't honest to me. I felt like a clark kent pushing a mail cart. You know so like tumbler blog. I started to help people in kind of unconventional ways. I i met them at the park. I did a lot of things you weren't supposed to do so. I did not speak with my clients. But i met them apart. Jim mike unwalked. You know stuff like that. I realized that is doing that. That felt more honest. If it more real and i just followed that. And that's that's what. I mean by going rogue right like i've never had an office so i call myself a coach because with coaching. There's no board in. I started to work in ways. That were kind of Very jeans t-shirt just roll at the coffee shop on my harley. I thought we're going to talk about life. Let's do for we're talking. So that's what i've been doing alana's and i just want to point that i just loved your book so much like it was such a great. I feel like got so much out of it and we're really excited about this topic. In general like single on purpose. We talk about this all the time. And i think you and i will be. I started this podcast. We were all like every episode is going to be about dates to people in a relationship and now we've totally changed our tune in. We have heard a lot of times where people are like. No i'm doing. You know the self love. I'm doing the self care i'm dating myself and i'd love to just kind of go back to your divorce and like tell us where you were at that stage and then kind of how did you come out of that and get to this place that you're like i need to be single on purpose. Yes so it was You know it wasn't a weekend. It took a long time Divorce kinda kinda. Cut me at the knees. I was a just brand new into grad school becoming a therapist So i left you know Just with nothing. No no money. I left with my pillow. people's tempurpedic pillow. But she got the bed and I had to start all over. You know and went through a stretch of like four years of quota coping on purpose in. So it doesn't mean to be single forever right. It means to start building a relationship with yourself instead of trying to get into something as fast as you can right most people. When they're single they are desperately trying to find love again and i think when you're single like the soil is the richest because you will find someone in when you do. It's so much harder to work on yourself because now you're doing life with someone else. How long were you married. Four of five years got married at twenty nine in about thirty five is when i started my rebirth god and then with with a divorce. I'm guessing that's part of the rebirth but live you get divorced and they don't go through a rebirth. Were thinking about what. It's like to be single on purpose. So was there anything else that instigated this rebirth. You know what i think. It was a me going back to grad school changing careers because i was a struggling screenwriter. Nellie combination of that expiring me wind become a therapist Getting a divorce like Like my whole life edges sketch was shaken. Just starting all over for me. That's what it was. It was just Having a brand new life in like you were saying a lot of people will just like dive into that next relationship instead of taking that time.

00:35:02 - 00:40:07

What kind of making kind of made you take a second beat in not just jump into a relationship. No one wants to be with me. I wanted to another real. That's how you're single per very on the books should be called single not by choice and then you became on purpose over the says you know what i went out and i started to date people. you know and i i did that and i actually was looking for a relationship. Luckily i didn't get into one and i got really busy into connecting with myself so at that time Cross bit so was a big part of connecting to my bar on my body. My my Just movement all of that. And then i bought more cycle in that connected me to you. Know that part of me. The fourteen year old in the eighties. putting around fifty scooter and feeling like alive. You know and then. When i got a became an adult Promised my wife. At the time. I went by more cycle Had the old school cream parents who said they would disown by baltimore's so Me buying more cycle was kind of me connecting back to my steering symbolic yes and golly got some tattoos like you know i went on my i. Some someone argued that it was a mid life crisis. This is when you go on by the corporate ladder but for me. It wasn't that it was. It wasn't me running away from myself. It was more rain toward for the first time in my life. That's so interesting because my boyfriend the same thing you got a divorce. And he got a sleeve tattoos and he went on a two-month trip to us because it wasn't so much a lot of people said you're having a midlife crisis he said. No i'm just re defining and refining my identity. Because i had lost it during the marriage. So it's a great way who cares. What the stereotypes right like. Everybody has their own way of doing this. Rebirth phase you know what's interesting. I was like recently on a date with someone that was coming right out of an engagement. That didn't work out in. They definitely were in that phase that they were just trying to fill the void and find someone new and i actually reached out to the after it like. I think you need a date yourself a little. I said that to them. Like i don't know if this is solicited advice or dot but this is like feedback. And what i guess for you like. Was that click. Though i get like people not wanting to date you but like when did you take that step back and you're like okay. This isn't working to keep going on dates. That aren't working. I need to find myself more. Yeah i kind of Got curious about who. I was what i would bring to the table. My next relationship self. If i can't answer those questions than i need to be alone because it's the answers to those questions that's going to make your love experienced different. You know you're fifty percent of any relationship so if i just start swiping or at that time. There weren't craigslist craigslist. If i just got something really fast. I knew that there would be a high chance that the unhealthy patterns would just repeat itself and so i actually set to myself. Okay i have a chance to get myself a new love experience and i know that What i can do is a change might patterns in my definitions who i am from the inside out so When you find someone that. I want invest in. I wanna be a different john. Kim would i really want to get to is. We want to follow you on this journey transformation so when you made this conscious decision to be single on purpose what was step number one. Oh man i don't know if there was a defining step i think maybe the first step was acceptance of people After the expiration. I started calling my. I still do today. Breakup expirations of there's more acceptance in that in also breakup sound so traumatic. Like the play down. Something's broken in. So when i see a relationship or marriage as an expiration on feel like oh it wasn't meant to go any further but i think the first step is acceptance. You know instead of trying to do around to around three or desperately to find find someone else or lose yourself in someone else accepting. This is where i'm at. You know this is a who. I am and starting with truth now now. Let's go from here. So what are the things that actually comes up in our listener community. A lot is what we call a master date which is basically like dating yourself right right. Yeah and one of the things that comes up a lot though is going on actual dates on your own you know and being in your own company but i feel like you kind of took it like a step deeper in. That actually was what i thought about. When i was reading the book was that you talk about you. Know you're loving your body like you know like empowering your brain like really feeling what you need a feel and not just you know going to a dinner by yourself but really like getting into your emotions.

00:40:07 - 00:45:09

Can you elaborate a little more on that process. Yeah i've been a logical creature most of my life In so i wanted to know what it felt like to actually drop into my body. You know i didn't allow myself to feel. I never had on. How much of. This is being korean in. Just not having a lot of emotional milk growing up but I i was Thirty five knows. Like i need to actually drop into my body and start to feel things you know and so i spent a lotta time by myself in coffee shops writing. I took myself out to dinners. I talk a lot about Liking yourself which is more. I think more important than loving yourself lung and i say i say that because self love is thrown around a lot and i think we love people that we don't really like like like family members and stuff right we choose to love. Someone and liking is earned. And so. I can't say. I love myself but to me. That's kinda surf. What i thought was deeper was do. I like myself. And if i don't like myself What do i need to do to get beyond the path of like myself so that required a lot of time. Because when you when you like how do you like someone you gotta get to know the person right so it was like all right to get to know me and so in order to get to know me. I spent a lot of time with me. Just things like going to the beach running reading writing. You know lots of things that were brought solitudes that's really resonates with me. 'cause juliano's to i've had this last couple years. I've just come to this realization. That i'm just not connected to my emotions. I think it's part of my upbringing. I think very very good regurgitating so all the instagram posts about self care. Self love can regurgitate the shit more seven. But do i truly connect to those words. I realized in the last years. I didn't so i had to take myself on this journey for me. It was more drugs that help me get there but for you. It sounds like it's it's being alone and doing these activities on your own and writing. Were were there any other sort of skills or tools that you were using during this time to just when you say. Drop into your body. What does that. What does that mean. And what is like to take a breath in instead of thinking logically which is kind of surface asking yourself. How does this make you feel. You're writing a blog post or your You know hanging out with someone or on a date or anything like what is your body telling you you know. I never asked myself those questions before. So that was all like new. You know and also it wasn't easy right. it was because it requires rewiring. It requires kind of swimming up river. Reconditioning yourself. It's something that i was used to either. Yeah i thought the stuff you're talking about with just loving your body really resonated with me. Because i think a lot of times like especially if we're in a bad place will either eat or under eat or not exercise exercise too much. It's usually like that stuff actually is deeper rooted thing going on for you. I m i think it starts with the choice of loving your body. But i think that's journey. You know in sunday's it's it's hard to love your body sundays. It's easier. I started with 'cause i found crossville was new at the time. He started with Classes community trying to find flow states. That reminded me of the eighties. When i was a spinning on my head in break dancing so again it was this idea of reuniting with a part of myself that i had locked away so it wasn't about abs- trying to i mean. Of course you know who doesn't wanna look better naked again. But the the true motivation in the recent all. The time was because i was connecting to that that That twelve year old. Then i was like the happiest in so cross. It was kind of my way of tapping into that kid again. You know i tell people that sometimes self betterment is more about a reunion than anything else than that was what dating myself look like a connecting back to that the younger years the wonder years interest said. I want to really emphasize that too. Because i think when you develop these interests and hobbies when you are alone. Then you're able to carry them into the next relationship and you take that identity with you versus trying to mora yourself into someone else's identity and it's great to have these hobbies but also knowing that you can reconnect with your childhood self when these moments turn on when you go to cross bit. You're like yes connecting again to myself and this is about nothing else but me. We forget to give ourselves that chance to do that. Yeah i think you know when you ask me what what is what does that even mean to drop into your body like. How do you even do that so as kids. We are very in our bodies you know. We're not in our heads lot. We're very present right when thinking about taxes. And if someone's going to call you back in the corner on this were eating ants and we wanna know what things feel exit. We're very. we're very mindful right. We're very experiential so if you are pulling from that part of you within by default you're dropping into your body right so when i was a cross fitting in.

00:45:09 - 00:50:02

I was doing a handstand pushups other genetic movements. I was connecting to my body because the twelve year old that was spending on. His head was very present so i was very present in the activities of those workouts. And i thought okay. This is what it feels like. At least for me. This is what it looks like. Drop into my body. Right for other people might be meditation. Might be yoga. It does it. Depends on on on what your definition is but for me it was like i was the most mindful president when i was a kid. I wasn't in my head and you know living in time machines okay. So let's tap into that part of you. What would that look like you know. And so that's what. I started to do as adult you kid again in a way. Yeah i mean. I think the body part is so many layers to it because i love what you just said with that but i think there is also a confidence that when you feel good about your body and that doesn't mean that you're lost a lot of weight like we had a pass gas. That said that she just looks at like you know. Her scars are dimples like any perceived flaw in like fines. Lovin it but it starts to bring that acceptance in you know confidence essentially that. Let's be honest a lot of times. After a break-up you lose a lot of confidence because you're feeling unworthy down. What other ways can people start to accept their bodies born. How do you think that plays into like eventually dating again and being in a relationship. Yeah it's funny. When you said the confidence. I thought acceptance connection and confidence like i think the kind of role at evolve into that process. I think it's different for everyone. You know i think it depends on your previous experience with With food with body image. You know i. I definitely i think that when it comes to stuff like that. Have a ten times harder. Just because the world we live in i used to work in a eating disorder clinics. And that's a whole nother thing And advertising in all of that in you know the society's injection of the ticking clock in what beauty looks like so the word that comes to my mind is redefining redefining. What sexy looks like feels like defining what attractive looks like redefining. What fitness That stuff so. I think when you're single it's all about redefining you know instead of tracing old blueprints coming up with new definitions and part of their redefinition and i just want to clarify this. You don't believe that redefining your. Your single journey is about being alone. You should still seek out friends. Anna support them so we can talk about that that you know. Let's just get rid of the myth that this single on purpose doesn't mean that you're alone. No no no. I think it means e actual opposite i tell my clients out of your head out of your house and You're not meant to do this alone. i think. I think doing it alone. Because they're solitude you wanna be alone but there's also like isolation and i think isolation can be the most dangerous thing to do right so surrounding yourself with community especially now fitness communities yoga communities Whatever you're passionate about music class salsa dancing anything that has something that you like that you're passionate about that also has a plug and play community Because we used to have this as kids right in our structure of recess and all that in when we grow up all that's gone and it's really hard to make friends as adult so killing two birds by taking classes or any kind of activity. That has some kind of community. I found that really helpful. Yeah doing life with other people being being of service. You know helping other people because then it's not about you and you're not in the trenches dwelling on your problems in what's wrong with the way can't find someone when you are actually sharing gifts and being of service in helping other people. You're you're living more threw me life instead of a to me life or any kind of victim mode. I am learning so much of this. This is to spend it a credible conversation. Let's take a really quick break to hear from a couple of our sponsors. This episode is brought to you by zemen games and array of fun games for adults a one of which is called love letter now in this card game your goals to win the heart of the noble princess who is looking for an ideal partner and confidant to help with her royal duties when she one day assumes the throne. Your goal is to enlist the characters in the castle to deliver your love letter while keeping other players letters away it's trickier than a sound. Powerful cards lead to early gains but make you a target and rely on weaker. Carts for too long in your letter may be tossed in the fire. I find it to be a fun and nice. Twenty minute mental break during the day. This two to six player card game fits in your pocket so you can take it with you anywhere. Love letters appropriate for ages ten and up and is available for eleven ninety nine through zemun games. You can find it at target your local game store or directly through zeman's web store. Summer is finally here. And we've been cooped up for so long.

00:50:02 - 00:55:00

I feel like i'm taking every chance i can to be outside and exploring. So luckily we found clamber shorts from title nine they're made out of super stretchy brazen resistant fabric they're basically indestructible and thanks to a wide comfy. Waste man and tons of pockets. We'll have pockets. i can wear them all day long. No matter what i get into. So i wore mine the other day going from hiking a to a park picnic to the beach and then to lake an afternoon of just lounging around on my balcony there so comfy and versatile that didn't have to change. I mean they're basically that asked shorts. We love that title. Nine was born in the bay area. Just like our show and get this. They've been around for over thirty years so they definitely know what they're doing with everything from innovative. Swim pieces to bottoms. That actually fit. Every product is designed for women seeking out their next adventure right now title nine offering our listeners. Ten dollars off and free shipping on orders over one hundred dollars. When you visit title nine dot com slash dateable to title nine dot com slash dateable for ten dollars off and free shipping on your order over a hundred dollars. That's ti t. l. e. i n. e. dot com slash dat ab l. Let's face it. It's a weird time to be dating or developing relationships. Have you recently decided that you want to make some changes to your love life. Maybe you've recently re enter the dating scene. Maybe you've gone on one too. Many dates that went nowhere. Or maybe you're ready to take your current relationship to the next level. That is exactly why we created the sounding board a true of podcasts that delivers a personalized experience which includes one on one coffee with us. A monthly dateable live after show exclusive audio content a much more allow julian. I become your dating us to provide real time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable podcasts dot com slash sounding board again. That's dateable podcasts. Dot com slash sounding board. Okay let's get back into this combo. I thought it was really interesting to that. You were like as a single person. The first thing you should be focused on is finding not a new partner kind of elaborate war. Why you think that's the case. Well a lot of times we'll find a new partner and then we won't want to make any friends. We ended up being like. I mentioned tom. Hanks talking to the volleyball like we end up being alone. Even though we're with someone we ended up kind of being alone because we're not bringing a whole life to the table was our partner becomes our life and this is when there's a lot of losing yourself you know in the other percents And i think that because of society in romantic comedies and romance novels and stuff. We think that's what love looks like. Is you find your one. And then you don't need anyone else is just person or and i think it makes the real ship. Lopsided thought your. You had an interesting anecdote about a surprise party that you had win it was with your wife and the and you realize that like all beheaded around wherever friends not your friends. Yeah yeah man. That was It was weird because it was the first time someone through surprise party. It was actually my birthday with small apartment to lake. I went. I opened the door and they were like thirty people crammed in like sardines which made me feel like i was loved and then as i was looking at each joe as it's her friend her friend. That's her friend that's her friend. And i had this revelation by the end of the night like none of people are my friends. They're here because they're taking supporting her in her husband in just a friendly with me but they weren't like my friends. If that makes sense. I actually ended up that night feeling very lonely. Realizing you to make some friends yeah. I think that's the worst feeling to have to be surrounded by. People still feeling lonely and i do think a lot of people listening to this episode have had that feeling and they probably also ask john. How do i combat that loneliness. How do i get around this idea that i'm lonely right now. So i need things to distract me versus personal development things that actually benefit me. Yeah i think I think when it comes to like a personal development It's not like a weekend seminar. It's more like Designing life a certain way right because you have to threaded into your life. For to be sustainable. You know. I'm just like working out or a healthy diet and so i think it's designing life where you are engaging with people in some friends come friends go. But you're actively establishing new relationships. I mean forever you know even when you find you find a bulb onto another relationship so this is one of the things that i find really interesting that love your thoughts on because a lot of people have this question. I've actually experienced to currently. I'm single that. I feel very like non lonely at all. Even admits a pandemic. I feel like i have tons of community tons of friends. And i think that actually has made me in a way. You know a little pickier.

00:55:00 - 01:00:02

About who i date which i think actually is a good thing long term but then sometimes and i. I'm projecting my own. But i've heard many of our listeners. Say the same. Like what is that line though about. You know staying open to partner. Because it's like. I still do wanna partner. I'm okay on my owner happy on my own but like how do you like balance. The two. Like what are your. What's your take. I think you set the intention that you are ready for a partner or relationship. You want to build something amazing indifferent in the last time. But i don't think that you want it so bad that it becomes lined with desparation in that kind of your north star. I think finding someone is the byproduct of you going out and building an amazing life. You know I always say where you going in. Then who's going with you because if you flip the order you'll be going you'll be going by yourself so half of my life. I i had the order. Reverse half of my life was like who's coming with me. And then i'll worry about where i'm going right in so it's desperately trying to find my partner. Mike clean my whoever that was. That was the goal and then and then in in then. Where am i going right. Astra my my divorce rebirth. Now it's like. Where am i going so i knew where i'm going or at least i knew the direction i want to go and then it's who's going that wouldn't that wouldn't that one involves a ride that would involves You know you having a sense of purpose. That one involves also. It's more attractive when you when you find the lutely. Yeah more independence. It allows you to pick better too because you're not coming from a place of desperation that you need to fill your friday night right like you're like oh i'm totally fine. Hagi out my own company on a friday night if need be or with my friends like and then you have like a little higher standards because of that but i guess like the i love this like where am i going. Who's coming with me. But the only thing i would challenge with that is like how does that go from like an i statement to a we statement. Considering a partnership is a partnership at the end of the day. Yeah absolutely and i think that's why it's important to start asking yourself that before your partner because you're right when you when you find someone. There is compromise in people change and also your planners decisions are gonna affect yours. You know you might be kind of a sidetracked or whatever. It's all part of it. But there's a difference between compromise compromise of self right so every relationship requires compromise no matter what but not compromising of cell right and so if you're going into a relationship you know i'll do anything for this person and not having much of a life. There's a higher chance you're gonna compromise yourself if you go into relationship having a pretty good foundation having structure having hobbies having things having friends you know in having you know a true north then. There's going to be a lot less compromise. I mean there's gonna be a lot of this cutlass compromise of self there will be compromised always going to be compromised and i want to relate this back to your personal journey because you went on this four year single on purpose journey. How did you transition out of it. And i guess another question is how do you know when you're ready to transition out of it. I don't think you're ever no. I don't think it's like you wake up and let's like lights. Which or someone social party official to that. That would be amazing. You know what i i think. It would be amazing if humans actually kind of change. Colors like like smurfs. That were where it's like as you do more work on yourself. You actually utilize change color. Insert paul yeah. Yeah in. maybe that's orange or red and then when you see people that are like blue. you know. they've done no work on it and what that would do that would get all the blue people to be like be blue anymore. No one wants to be with me on this artwork. It'll force people inside like the remorse more orange people and we're on racist against all the blue people. How do we do this. How do we make this happen. This would make dating so much easier if we do their color. Coded based on how much work they've done. That'd be amazing. I forgot what you asked me. But i know you were saying that you'd really don't know when you're ready to transition out in your own experience. How were you able to transition out. Because i found love because what happens is One day you meet someone and you get excited or it may be too slow burn and suddenly you guys. Are you know Doing nothing together and going out to eat. And now you're in a relationship in. I think it just happens. You know and so. I don't think it's like okay. I'm officially ready. It's i don't think it's so strategize because that's not how life works. And then i also learned that you know you meet people when you least expect it. Almost when you're not even looking at the kind of falls from the sky you know and so especially with the internet right and so. I don't think it's like okay now i'm ready. I'm just like you know what your life accepting is radically.

01:00:02 - 01:05:02

You know man if you meet someone great in and if you don't continue to be you in work on you in pedal your bike. I mean. I don't think it's easy. I i mean. I've been very lonely. I mean i've had you know days of dharma ever find someone again. I've had those like everyone else right. And i think that's the hardest part of being single. Is that having faith. But but those are feelings they come and go just because you feel loneliness doesn't mean that you are lonely or defective. I think the internalisation of loneliness is where people smoking depressed Fallen will totally. I think we feel like if we're single but it's a status. We need to get out of because of society rate and we feel like we need to work like if you know you look for a job you would never sit idle and be like. I'm going to wait for the job to come to me like you put out your resume. You go on linked in you do all the things. So people are just like frantically swiping feeling like they're doing something within sometimes get this endless loop because they haven't done like the deeper self work like what's your like advice to those people that are feeling like i need to do something to move it forward in there like i don't have that faith yet right now. You know one thing i did is i told myself i'm not going to say no to anything social so you have to out there. You can't just say okay. I'm going to sit on the couch. And you cross my fingers reynoso either like you have to be active. You know you gotta talk to people you have to put it into a set. The intention back it with action. put it out there so I inch avert at the end of the day. And i told myself anything i get invited to anything where there's something happening in the community. I'm gonna go. I'm just gonna go south feel like it and a lot of the best experiences. Come from you know when you weren't expecting something to be fun so party together. I think it's kind of like you're on treatment because it takes you out of your comfort zone and again you're living your life and you're doing things and not allowing single hood to keep you in your bedroom just watching That's lakes in eating chips in utah right around with that. Yeah i mean you were talking about two in the book that there's like celibacy. Right is not always single equal celibacy sometimes just getting out there and having casual sex could actually be exactly what you need to build up your confidence sexually like. i remember. I definitely went through that period. It did build up confidence that now you can take on later. What's your take of like you know when to know that that's helping you versus. It also can hurt you too. If you're just not in a good place right absolutely. I think i think you have to be really honest with yourself. Are you using those experiences to numb to hide a to seek approval validation to feel loved or or valuable or are you using those experiences in empowering way because they're just new experiences at you you wanna do you know the chapter. I think you're talking about Which was kinda controversial. There's a chapter in my book called. Now go fuck somebody. In the reason i did. It was because i wanted to kind of combat a slut shaming. There's nothing wrong with having sexual experiences if you're okay with it within that's what you wanna do and you shouldn't bash yourself or think that you are defective or dirty or whatever it is because you know because you're you're sexual being so how do you know if it's coming from a place of validation versus empowerment and this could go for not just sacks but like you know endless stating in all the stuff like how can you make that distinction. Yeah i think going back to how we started dropping into Your body asking yourself. How experts made you feel you know. So after the person leaves sitting there for a second and saying hydrogen fuel didn't like it was it empowering or did i do for the wrong reasons. You know Just getting really honest with yourself and you may not even know so. I think it's a practice where you're like. Oh you know what. I like that. That was different. That was new. I'm not going to do it again. But i did like that. And that's cool. That could be that. Or it's like i didn't like that. I don't like how it felt like the residue. I don't like how i feel right now. And that's information instead of internalizing it saying okay. That was learning. Are there any mistakes or red flags that people should watch out for when they're in. The state wonder single single on purpose. Yeah yeah i think Dating apps can be dangerous. You know we've become baseball cards. Ooh i remember. There was a stretch being single. I would like swipe on someone that looked like drew. Barrymore and the drew carey would show up. There's a lot of false advertising. There's ghosting there's geno dick depicts these things that Disconnects us with ourselves right Lots of people hanging beyond their phones. So i mean i. I think that it's a great tool. But you gotta use it with a small spoon. Meaning you know when you go get ice cream to give you the little red taste or spoon.

01:05:02 - 01:10:02

That's just walk away. I i think he's snow. Thought that you don't bite. I think you you you you swipe when good yourself and that you know that it's partly entertainment you can handle rejection. Swipe when you're desperately looking for love and you're lonely because it's it's may make you feel bad about yourself you know. Oh a hundred percent. I definitely we've said this before at our podcast. Like if you're not in a good state of mind batard dating can be brutal and the last thing you wanna do is like you know yourself deeper so you kinda need to have a thick skin a lot with dating apps and the only way to get there is to be have the sense of self in feel confident in. It's funny because i think the less Swipes or lights or whatever it is that you get the more desperate you become to chase after them because since you're not getting them you thinking did not lovable or attractive until now you're more hungry for them which i think flips a magnet sale turns people away from you and now you're wind with Instead of just being attractive. I want to address this trend that we see all the time in our community. And it's this term dating sabbatical. I'm taking a dating samanta. Whole deleted all the apps. I'm not seeing anyone. People do it for a week to six months at a time. That's basically the whole range yet reminds me of it reminds me of your dieting. Going from nothing to. I'm gonna intermittent fasting. Do kito only eat wig egg whites for three months. You're like that's okay. good luck. The wheels fall off in their life. So i think you're setting yourself up for Like why why the announcement you know like why not just like okay. If you if you wanna take a break then just do less of it. It does not be so extreme like you have to delete shit because you're going to download that back anyway. Two weeks from. Yeah i agree. I'm always like just hold back. How much you're doing it do it on a sunday. Not every day. I agree the extreme. Ps it's like so dramatic and yeah moderation moderation. So why do you think this period of single on purpose like how do you think it's helped your current relationship like why do you think it's been so instrumental for you because at the end of the day That book is not just for single. People is for anyone especially if you're in a relationship As a reminder for you to connect to yourself. I work on yourself for look inward first so when you're doing life with someone there's less codependency. There's less investment fields two individuals working on themselves coming together to do life with each other not at each other or around each other. That's always been my thing is while you're single local tracks start. The pattern started the the The habits now so when you get into relationships you got that nice runway. You know your ra moving in the right direction. So many people that have helped coached. They're desperate to find love. They find love and then they lose their friends. They lose their passion and they let themselves go like it. Just like it's like. That's that's how that's not what it's about and what about people in relationships is a too late for a for these people or is there a way to translate single on purpose still in a relationship. Oh i think Especially if you are in a relationship dumb. Because that's when i think we dropped the ball the most because we know like i said it's hard to do shit on your because now you have someone that you're doing with you know that's hard even though it's causing purpose i think it's more important for people in relationships to kind of read this book into remind themselves like oh i should start working back on my shit because i've been in two or three years in. It's getting kind of blurry now. You know i'm starting to lose on starting like on starting to not know who i am or where i'm going i need to get that back. That's gonna ultimately help the religion. I mean i think that's a perfect transition to some of our takeaways but we 'cause we always say this our podcast to that like being dateable doesn't mean being single you know the work doesn't stop once you have a partner of anything. It actually is more because now you're trying to navigate. I think you said navigating your shit and their shit together right. I think though the biggest takeaways. I've gotten from this is like the sense of self is so essential. We've been fed these lines like to become one or my other half in all that stuff is pretty actually detrimental in reality. I think in fantasy and romantic comedies. And all that works but in real life like when you don't have a sense of self like you are he's just relying on this other person so much like the whole story. You shared about like the birthday party. I think there's just so much pressure. Now on the one person which makes it challenging to navigate for the long haul. And i think my other takeaway is having that you know Community in having those people in your lives.

01:10:02 - 01:15:00

That aren't romantic are just as important as the romantic partner because they help round things out they help buick forum your sense of self and you're not just putting everything on one person your life becomes cumulative joy wise it's like you know everything doesn't hang on their relationship and the one fight or the what's going on one of the things that happens is in relationships the other person or the relationship becomes a son you revolve around and You know you end up kind of losing your life in. So you're right having all that having other pistons pumping in the engine. If you will creates more wholeness it creates a more joy in also a lot less pressure. On your partners yeah creates more fulfillment relying on you or whatever they say. These romantic ride. There's this like rate graphic. That's coming to mind. That was like you're not the center of the universe. Like you're one of my big universes. But i also have my career. My friends by family like multiple centers. It's not just one at the end of the day as someone who's a anxious anxious attachment style and who has been codependent and addiction ins blood All the stuff you're talking about is it feels amazing. You know like it feels amazing to lose yourself in someone else. Those movies like the nope or whatever debts like dopamine. that's romantic. I love that but it's not realistic. It's not healthy. It's not sustainable. And i want to transition to an it's kind of related to my biggest takeaway is you are in control of your journey. And i love this idea of you. Decide where you wanna go and see who comes along for the ride as opposed to finding people to define where you're going because you're just gonna get lost in that process so knowing that you're on a clear path somewhere and you will meet people along the way most of the time unexpectedly who are also on a path you get to define this new path together. I really enjoy that Love this term rations. You wanna elaborate on that one. No you said a clear path. And i just thought It may not be a clear path. You know may be a squiggly line near you know. I mean it's life that's okay too. Thank you thank you for for saying that. Because i think that did put a lot of pressure on people being like a clear path going right. Nobody really knows. Thank you for clarifying that. You know what's funny though is like you never think about like just thinking about what you just said you. A is like this being just things happening when you've met friends unexpected. You're not letting you know endlessly swiping to meet friends. Just link wiser so much more pressure. Right it's so crazy to me how much we put dating on a pedestal. Yet we treat it like trash running the same time it's an it's really fascinating to me. i was just saying that i really love term expirations. We've heard the term. I've evolved out of that relationship which i also like. It just means it's not a senate end is not a death but it is just a close out of a chapter that you can now involved to the next chapter I i think people should start using that. Describe your last expiration our relationship minutes expiration date and a lot of it. And you know you do bring this. I think this shows that the way we described aiding the language around it is talk sic com. That's what talk city totally like. Break up dump. Maybe that's one of the big steps is you know you're listening to change your language s. So it's not about someone else you telling yourself that. The relationship has expired or that whatever you want. And this is what i mean by redefinition our new definitions. I'm throwing away old printing trading Something new and with dating looks like what he can look like. Love look like starch engineer language. Yeah absolutely. it's great action item. I think language is a huge one. May i was talking to a friend about this and it was like instead of being like doesn't like me it's like okay. It just wasn't the right fit or like right. They're showing you something. That's not who you wanted a partner like. Put it on yourself in this like we've actually taught to pass gas about this. You're so fixated on being single. That's what the the universe is gonna serve to you because you're like just talking about being single all the time like reframe it to be like. Nah i'm enjoying time on my own but you know i also like being around people whatever it might be but like that little shift can make a huge difference. I think one of my favorite rejection in the professional world is a. We're going a different direction.

01:15:01 - 01:20:01

I wish we could use that relationships. It's that's exactly what it is. We're just going in different directions so sorry my last big take take away is this. I love this idea of connecting with different parts of you from the passing. We forget to do that. And when we are alone and single and having these moments of solitude think it's a great challenge for yourself to think back. What was i like when i was twelve. What did i like most. What what are the flavors. That i remember the smells and just give very playful and curious with that because sometimes what relationships are are about reestablishing these relationships with yourself. Yeah one of the things. I ask myself wasn't what makes me happy. I thought that was very loaded in the word. Happy can be plastic. A t shirt. So i started to ask myself win win. Did i feel the most alive hit flow. Stays you know. Yeah it was younger. It was you know. Play with my legos for hours in track a time when i was break-dancing wes katie. You know a. I thought today okay. We'll now's a thirty five year old. What can i do. That produces the same feeling right so it could be a different activity but what the same feeling in. That's where i found the connection right so it wasn't like i didn't put on windbreaker start doing back spins again. I found the feeling of that. Feeling that alive in fitness right. That's one example. I love that. I love that. What makes happy love it but makes you come alive. Alive alive jon. We have one final question for you in your opinion. What do you think being dateable means. What makes someone dateable a strong sense of self. Yeah and you don't you don't have to have like you know i know what my purpose is. I know where you don't have to your clinical shit together but you have a sense of south you're bringing something to the table other than mof or your body. You're bringing a whole person to the table. A strong sense of self and for listeners In case you couldn't tell we highly recommend john's book and go on purpose. Find yourself. i'm guessing. People can find this book just by googling but is there a one central place where they can find everything about you during the pandemic create. Something called the lab and we're doing live zoom classes and you are looking for community people were ashley. Finding it's funny 'cause through book clubs on purpose. People are actually finding love which is ironic because is purpose but was happening. Is you put a lot of like minded people in a room working on themselves and you know people are going to find attraction you know it just also proves it. There's people world you can meet people anywhere. So yeah that's That's kinda a passionate about right now. It's called the t. t lab and doing lots of lives. Zoom stuff like everyone else is doing right from single on purpose to love unprofessionally. Exactly that's the journey. What is your your website is just angry. Therapists dot com of the therapist. D one and only okay. Not just any. I don't think we actually asked to vote. Why the angry therapist. That's our very last slide. When i when. I started the tumbler. I didn't it was for me. I didn't think anyone would read it. And i thought it was funny. Therapists was angry. But but i was. I was actually other angry person. That's furrows. Keep them them. Yes yeah i call. I call him marky marks but just being created by default angry. i. I was angry because i was unhappy. didn't have much of a life very chasing state in. So that's why i call the thing. We therapist Later i realised. Oh maybe it was my way of saying that i'm human. That anger isn't a bad thing especially as a therapist who tries to show himself that. Make sense to me. I heard someone say this to me. babies are born angry so angry the mar. I most natural emotion. Sure yeah angry scared. Yeah exactly yeah also happy. Therapist is now nobody. Nobody cares about that person. Exactly no no. Thanks said that guy. Well thank you so much. John kim for being part for show or we should say the angry therapist for being part of our show has been A fun adventure trying to schedule this call so so glad that we were able to catch you while you're in arrowhead and for anybody listening right now. The reason we're able to get such awesome guests like john is because we have great ratings and apple podcasts. So if you can help us out give us another five star rating it. Just it takes five seconds maybe a line or two about how awesome we are. This makes us look legitimate. So we can con- future guests like john just getting us but it really does help with our growth and the quality of our content.

01:20:01 - 01:22:01

So thank you for anybody who's left reviews one final. Thank you to you. John where he always closes up. Stay you daniel. The podcast is part of the frolic. Podcast network find more podcasts. You'll love at frolic dot media slash podcast. Want to continue the conversation. I follow us on instagram facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcast tag as in any post with a hashtag. Stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those post then. Head over to our website dateable podcasts dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium y series. We're we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums for also downloadable for free. On spotify apple podcasts. Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable. Some cars comfy. On the inside but powell on the outside and some cars of the horsepower but none of the comfort. I used to think there weren't any cars that were the total package. But that all changed when i got my honda. Suv it's rugged and sophisticated and right now. Honda has deals on the entire honda. Suv lineup crv hr v. pilot passport. You name it so if you're looking for a car that's the total package the only place you'll find it is at your local honda dealer. Hurry before they're all gone booking room with two beds at a hotel isn't exactly your idea. The romantic getaway orbits gets it. Is it orbits dot com slash pride to find hotels at welcome you to travel as you are orbits travel as you are.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.