Oh.my.god, we're kicking off Season 13 with a bang as we chat with Emily Nagoski Ph.D., author of Come As You Are, about how to navigate all the ups and downs of our sex lives (based on science, of course). We're diving in about what makes us hit the gas pedal or breaks when wanting sex, what to do if you and your partner have different levels of sexual desire, and how to navigate our sex lives through all the stages of life (stressful times included).
Follow Emily at @enagoski and check out Emily's work at https://www.emilynagoski.com/ and get a copy of Come As You Are today!
Thank you to our partners for this episode:
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S13E1: Come As You Are w/ Emily Nagoski
00:00:01 - 00:05:03
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
Welcome to season thirteen. Everybody and welcome to this episode of the dateable podcast where we are on a mission today into the wise of people's behavior when it comes to modern dating and we've been on this mission for thirteen firkin seasons. I can't even believe at lucky thirteen here we are. We have a treat for all of you today. We are digging into the wise when it comes to sex and your business for you ask for more sex than another giving because we're a sex podcast after all you know no sex falls into the whole scheme of things i feel like you can't dating without sex. You can't have relationships without sex and we're going to go all of that with. I was sort of the godfather of or like the godmother of sacks. I guess is i feel like when you hear about sex books come as you are is one that people always reference and we were super lucky. That were part of the frolic media network which you probably have heard us talk about video of times on our podcast and the author of come as you are is also part of the network so we obviously jumped at the chance to try to get her as a guest and here. She is for our season-opener. Emily nagorski is her name. She i feel like she could be a household name by now. I feel like she's responsible for opening up the conversation about sex and what's normal and it comes to sex and this is one of those books that to me was so i opening because it wasn't about how to have the best sex of your life or what you're doing wrong. It was like how to just accept how your sex life is right now and to better understand how your body works when it comes to intimacy stimulation The things that turn you on and things that turn you off. It is absolutely probably the most most beneficial book for your sex life to read today. Whether you're man or woman yup whatever your sexuality whatever your age is stage of life. I thought it was completely eye opening. I can't even believe. I like hadn't read it until recently. I should have like from a long time ago. Is this your first time reading it. Also you at your head is my first time. I had heard. I had heard about that for years but she did update the book this year. So i'm actually glad that. I read and i have an excerpt from the book that i think really sums up her message. If i may julie and i it it the media message you are inadequate spanking food play menage-a-trois you've done all those things right. Well you've at least had clitoral orgasms vaginal orgasms uterine orgasms energy orgasms extended orgasms and multiple orgasms. And you've mastered at least thirty five different positions for intercourse. If you don't try all these things you her frigid if you've had too few partners don't watch porn and don't have a collection of vibrators in your bedside table. You're a prude. Also you're too fat and to thin. Your breasts are too big and too small. Your body is wrong. If you're not trying to change it you're lazy if you're satisfied with yourself as you are your son ling and if you dare to actively like yourself your a conceited bitch in short. You're doing it wrong do differently. No that's wrong to try something else forever. Yeah take that in. I mean. I feel like that. Does some it up well because this whole like you are normal is such the message she's bringing in and i don't i feel like you're like constantly learning do things about sacks like even we're both i've still in my late thirties but all of us divide forties and you would think that you would like have it all figured out by now but i feel like it's always something that you're learning new things like the education of saxe never ends probably because we had such horrible sites education grownup sex education is such a misnomer because i learned nothing about sex i only learned about contraception and learn about diseases. And sei's yeah it's all like fair tactics you know. I was having a conversation with a guy. Friday at he was saying how one of the topics that no one ever talks about is how women's like vaginas are all different.
00:05:03 - 00:10:01
You know how society everyone's always talking about like dick size all the time like with in girth and length at all the stuff but no one ever talks about vaginas being different and i feel like what emily is saying here. Too we talk about in the episode is there is no normal like everyone thinks that if they're not doing something a certain way that something's wrong per se. I think the quote you said like the media message of what sex is and what we learned sex education that kind of drills home normal and she's basically saying row that alway. Yeah i think one of my major learnings in even being in my forties now. Is this idea of frequency Judge my sex life on how often i was having sex and i realized that's not a really great gauge for your sex life because it's sort of quantity over quality. You could be having a lot of bad sex that does not mean. You're having a great sex life and i used to judge. My partner is based on that. And i would get. I would get scared. You know three months into a relationship. Does your sex die down a little bit. are you having less sex. But ultimately it's all it all comes back to intimacy and connection and we play so much pressure on the quantity of sex that we forget to place importance on the quality of connection with your partner. That is so true. And i mean we go into all of this episode but i think one of the things that stuck out for me. The most is over. Time how things change to nanak. I haven't been in like a five plus year relationship before or like a twenty year relationship and having kids like all the stuff that like you know does or just going through stress like we talk a lot about stressing like how does that impact your sex life and i think like this really opened my eyes up that if things kinda can go in waves like it doesn't mean that there's something necessarily wrong with the relationship and we've heard before people are like oh sachs's a barometer for how the relationship is doing and i think like on some sense that's correct like it can't be like you know nonexistent or like right that one person isn't satisfied at all but i do think there is external stuff that really has nothing to do with the relationship or just where you're both at the time like if you'd like a sick parent how are you going to feel sexy like that doesn't to do with your relationship. Yeah their life happens. And then how are you really is supposed to keep maintain the same sort of sexual desires as you evolve as a person and i think that's the ultimate messages at as we evolve ourselves. Our sex lives will evolve. And that's something really exciting. It's not something that we should look down upon at all. No and i think like i remember talking to a friend about this in like she was talking about just how her sex life was not good with her partner in like have you talked to him about it. She's like i can't and i feel like there's this feeling of like not like it feels like this like super personal topic that no one wants to rock the boat on but ultimately was causing a lot of dissatisfaction in the relationship at i think like you. You're worried that you're going to someone but at the same time. Like if you're just like not communicating about it and it's obvious that you're not having sex like that's not good either like people are just gonna be like oh. We haven't had saxon six buds. Everything's great you know. Clearly there's unspoken stuff there to remember. The woman i met years ago after the event and she told me she hadn't had sex with her boyfriend for like over four years. Yeah and she said they're very close but that's just a one topic they can't they can't talk about and i was just floored for four years. You're not having sex with each other and you can't talk about it right. That's not that's like beyond sex. That's something else. That's a deeper issue. They're totally but like why are we so afraid to talk about it or afraid and i think it. Yeah like i think like we go into this. And i mean there are times that the sex isn't gonna up in a relationship and i think that's really hard and i personally haven't been there enough to to give super solid advice on it but i can only badgen that that is so challenging. Like if you're just not on the same page is your partner when it comes to saxon. Everything else is great in the relationship. That's like the one area that isn't really glad we have this conversation with early. Because i feel like the way. I might have approached. That topic was like the counter of what she did. So i thought it was really helpful to hear about that from an expert and i'm sure many of you if you're going through this now you've gone through it in the past or even if your sex life is fantastic with your partner. I think for me personally. Being aware of it is really good to get head of. Its of things do happen. You're like okay. I know how. I know some ways that i could handle this and know that your sex life is going to be different than other people's so we cannot be keeping up when it comes to sex lives. I feel like in the past.
00:10:01 - 00:15:03
I would talk to friends about it and they'd be like oh my god. My boyfriend and i are having sex like five five days a week. And who put so much pressure on me or they're like oh we've been having a lot of public sex and i'm like oh my god i know i gotta find like airing axa just so i can feel like i'm also a little sexy kitten but that's not the way to evaluate your because you're you're the only person you and your partner are the only ones in your relationship or in your sexual couple coupling in you see other people can't judge it and you can't judge other people's either rosalie and that's like the whole size thing for bed. Now we're talking about for women also identify with it and i think ultimately doesn't matter. It's like as long as it's working for you. It's all about like the fit together. I think yes and that's very much related to our question. Julius if you have anything else. I can go do. Let's get those questions. We love sex questions where they covered. This one is a very popular question. And it is the billion dollar question. I'm gonna call it. How do i get better at sex. We've had many different ways of people asking us question and it goes back to our conversation already where everybody's different so there's no blanket statement on how to get better at sex. The first thing i can think of is to get to know your partner the best. You possibly can talk to them. Communicate ask what turns them on what turns them off. What is something that you've done that they really loved. What is something that they think you can improve on. It's that constant feedback loop that will help you improve your sex life with the person that you're having sex with julian. I sitting here cannot tell you how to have the best of your life but we can't tell you how to have really good sex without. I think though that also a piece of it is that like kind of what you were just saying of. You feel this pressure to be like the sex kid right like to do performing tive and to try trial. The positions do all this. I personally think it comes down to enthusiasm in. You know just having fun at the end of the day like that's what makes good when both partners are just really freaking excited to be there and present aisling like i mean. We'll go into all of it but it's like if one person is not in the mood or in that place in the other is that's when there's a lot of tension i think when we can find those times in both people are like you know ready to go do this and having a good time i think like an even inviting laughter to the venture like things like you would never see in the movies. I feel like anything you see in the movies. Throw out and lease especially sex life. That tv show. it was like the most unrealistic portrayal of sex. I've ever seen in my life especially during cova. I cannot watch some those scenes knowing cova out there like weights sanitized like the train track ones. Are you looking to die. Like i was like what. Yeah my basic needs aren't being so please take it out of my vagina. I'm trying to survive here. So i think though just like you know bringing that to it. I think it's all about the vibe in energy in connection that you're having and like you i said to just having those conversations. The only way is through communication. There's a common misconception that the more partner sexual partners you've had the better. You are at saks and i can tell you that is absolutely not true. Sex ipad before my current partner was with someone who had only been with one person his whole life and the reason why are sex is so good was a. He was so great. A communication and so great at being attentive to my needs and had nothing to do with him having multiple partners. He's only been with one other person before me. I absolutely second that. Because i think sex between two people is different than getting doesn't how do you know like if you love being in a relationship versus a relationship with the other person and i think sex is the same thing too. It's like do you love sacks or sex with that person. And i almost think like obviously what's going to be like. I love sex in general or i love relationships. I like being with the person. But i think it almost is one in the same minus just the pure fact of doing it versus not. Because you're in a relationship with that other person in your relationship with another person would look totally different. And i think the same goes for sex. You in that person are having a sexual relationship in that. Looks totally different than if they were to have that with someone else so if you look at it that way it really doesn't matter how would partners they've had because you guys have is unique at the end of a yup yup in every new person you have sex with treat it like it's something so new and fresh and so we're we're talking about people who are in relationships but even if you are having one night stands or having these short term situation ships how can you get better aspects again.
00:15:03 - 00:20:01
It's having the intentions of having fun. Keeping it in the present to stop pressuring yourself. Stop thinking about. Oh i have to orgasm. Or has she has orgasm or he has orgasm. Don't think about the end product. Just have fun in the moment and experiment and have that constant feedback loop and you should be good. You should be good to go right. Presence is everything with all aspects of relationships that bula announcements. Let's do a few announcements. You've all heard it before but we have the new sounding board two point. Oh that we are kick starting next month officially so if you are interested in joining the sounding board definitely get it now if seen a lot of new people rolling through which is awesome your lock in our legacy rate so we are now going to move to one. Cheer you lock. In the legacy rate we will be upping this rate com september. So definitely get it now. If you've been thinking about it in two point now you're gonna have the opportunity to talk to you a guy doing these like coffee chat slash office hours. We're still working on the full name but basically it's an opportunity to ask us anything about your data. Lives adds to shoot the shed and talk to us in a group setting and also you know. It's that mastermind with other folks too. So you might get a really. You might get eight answer from us. Because of i get a really great answer for another person to whatever you're going through and we are all so rolling out like a more you know focused discussions we've learned from Soundboard one point. Oh the people really love coming when there's a specific topic that super ailments and they have this opportunity to chat to chat with other folks hear different perspectives. And that's exactly what we're going to be doing. So we're gonna have our hosts ba- leading these amazing discussions that it's like you're of like doing your own mini podcast with these people but it's not run courted for the public which is kind of the best of both worlds here. So yes because that would be illegal. Has we wouldn't be doing that. But we are experimenting with sounding board in its truest form. It's called sounding board for a reason and this is a safe space for you to come to and get pretty much crowd crowd source opinions and advice from other people who may be going through the same things or have been through them before so get all the information at dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. You can also. Dm us on instagram at dateable podcasts. Because we're pretty active there and we can answer any questions you may have but it is something that i think it's part of personal self care and you deserve it so treat yourself fab -solutely and then of course follow us on instagram at dateable. Podcast that is are other active social channel especially with season. Thirteen rolling out. We're going to have great clips from some of our guest of teasers of what's to come and of course you know there. Was this one quote that we put up this week. That i feel i got so much fucking love. Oh my god. People were like sharing this left in right. I've never seen anything we put up get this medically shares. It was basic our read it. It was me. I don't wanna go out the state also me. But maybe he's the one narrator. He wasn't the one he wasn't a one that was a better choice. The one is right around the corner. I know if only we could have voices following us around narrating our lives existing with that. But i think it will give you you know. Your daily spray shared your daily laugh. Whatever you want to take away from it whatever you want to call it and just your daily support system how. 'bout we call it. That your daily. Does he go to just laugh with shit's hitting the right. Yes yes you got people rooting for you with the best memes and quotes on the interwebs. Okay let's hear it now from our sponsor this week. This episode is made possible by thrive cosmetics. You've heard us rave about them before. And we're not stopping thrive cosmetics line of high performance award winning products that are made with clean high performance. Skin loving ingredients all thrive cosmetics products are formulated without toxic. Ingredients like paraffin sulfates and phthalates and their cruelty free by never testing on animals. The liquid lash extensions mascara is my number one obsession. I no longer have to get extensions because this magical mascara does the trick. It's completely flake. Free smudge free and clump free and stays on even on the hottest of days. No raccoon is for me. Also as part of their bigger than beauty mission for every product purchased thrive cosmetics support nonprofit partners with a donation of funds or products. I am truly inspired by how this is a beauty brand that goes beyond skin deep.
00:20:01 - 00:25:06
You're going to love them as much as we do. Visit thrive cosmetics dot com slash dateable for fifteen percent off your first order. This is an exclusive offer. You can only get here. That's thrive c. a. u. s. e. medics dot com slash d. a. t. v. l. e. for fifteen percent off your first order again thrive cosmetics dot com slash dat ab l. e. This episode is sponsored by better help. It is no surprise julian. I are huge fans of therapy especially online therapy and better help can do exactly just that they match you with your own licensed therapist and connect you in a safe and private online environment. I was able to start communicating with my therapist and less than forty eight hours. Superfast that help committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches and it's more affordable than traditional offline counseling. They're licensed professionals specialize in everything from stress management anxiety trauma dating and grief. Dateable wish for all of you to live a happier more wholesome life and we think therapy and prioritizing you're meant to halt will accomplish that so as our listeners you'll get ten percent off your first month by visiting our sponsor at better help dot com slash dateable join over one million people who have taken charge of their mental health again. That's better help. H. e. l. p. dot com slash d. a. t. e. a. l. e. Okay let's get into it with emily. Emily nagorski you've heard her name over and over again. I've had so many friends recommend your book to me. Come as you are. Also your other book burnout. You wrote with your sister. Also another fabulous book. We are so incredibly honored to you with us today If we're anybody who doesn't who. Emily nagorski is. She's in her forties. She currently lives in massachusetts. She's been there for twelve years originally from delaware she is married and she's the author of the become as you are the surprising new signs that will transform your sex life. Hi emily and there she is. We're so excited to have you ever. I feel like i feel like your book is just kind of like a rite of passage like end. You said the first version was released in twenty fifteen zachariah in then you updated again for twenty twenty one. What were some of the changes in the twenty twenty one version. Some of it is detailed stuff making sure the signs was still is up to date as a ca- possibly be sciences matters a lot to me having a as evidence based as possible but some of it was pretty large scale shift so maybe the largest change was to the desire chapter chapter seven so the core idea in that chapter. Is that most of us. By the time we get to adulthood. We have the story in our head of sexual desire is supposed to work and that narrative is something like spontaneous desire where you're just like walking down the street and you suddenly out of the blue all of us are just like ooh i would. I would like to have some sex and you go to your partner like like habash sacks about that. And that's spontaneous desire. It appears in anticipation of pleasure essentially. Yes that is a normal healthy way to experience sexual desire absolutely nothing wrong with that and there's also another normal healthy way to experience desire which is responsive desire where instead of it just like truck and down the street at you like it suddenly just occurs to you us good idea you might be like just like sitting on the couch flipping through net flicks haven't chosen to watch and your certain special. Someone is sitting next to you in just touching you in a really lovely way and that that sensation goes up to your brain and so this is happening in your brains like it's really nice and that little bit more keeps happening and that sensation was up to your brain and sensations like so so this is happening. What do you think and your brains like. Yeah yes really nice and maybe you turn towards your partner and you start doing some kissing on them and vineyard brains as so. This sensation is happening. What do you think and your wholesale is like you know what. How about the sex. How about that emerged to how we do it. Let's do the dirty. It's called a responsive desire because it emerges in response to pleasure where spontaneous desire emerges in anticipation of pleasure and it's news to a lot of people that responsive desires one hundred percent normal natural healthy. In fact the couples who sustained strong connections over the long term regardless of their relationship structure whether they're like monogamous married or poly married or open relationship This is their only like term sexual relationship. They have they come and go in this relationship. If you want to sustain a strong sexual connection another person over the long term it is not going to be. A relationship characterized primarily by spontaneous desire. That is not nicer. Shows the resources on ambiguous that couples who sustained along sexual long-term sexual connection with each other primarily.
00:25:06 - 00:30:14
That relationship is characterized by responsive desire in the first version of. Come as you are. I said so. Spontaneous responsive desire is normal to But i know everybody hears that end is like well. It's all willing good that it's normal but let's face it. Spontaneous desire is bitter so the first version of come as you are is your strategies to get spontaneous desire if that really matters for you and the more research accumulated over the following years. The more i was like no people need to let go of spontaneous desire because it truly deeply does not matter and their pursuit of spontaneous desire is actually interfering with their ability to have very pleasurable. Sex pleasure is the central defining characteristic of great sexual connections. It is not how much you can't wait to put your tongue in the other person's mouth is how much you enjoy it when you do. Put your tongue in the other person's mouth. So i switched the entire function of that chapter to not only responsive desire normal. It is the thing that you should be focusing on. This is so fat. I'm so glad we're starting here. Because i think it's important to define what these two desires mean. Because in my head. When i read this chapter i kept thinking. You know one of the complaints that my partner has is that i don't initiate i'm i respond and i love being like you. Talk about contextual. When all my dachshund row i feel good and he initiates. That's when i get really turned on so for someone who you know. I very much focused on the responsive desire but someone still has to initiate that chain of events. Right in isn't that wouldn't that be part of the spontaneous. Desire maybe or so the complicating factor in the picture. That i have seen you painting here. Is that feeling wanted is a big part of what puts you in a desire. A state of mind. It's part of what arouses you. You're like everything's going great. The context is positive. And then your partner approaches you in a way. That feels really good. And like that's the thing that kicks you over the edge until like all right. Yeah this person wants me all right and probably your partner would really like it if you initiate it because they also like to feel wanted for initiation often makes it feel like this person wants me and like you do want your partner right like you enjoy this exit. You have together absolutely so you don't have to have a spontaneous kind of like horny bones feeling in order to initiate sex so go into that a little more. I want to talk about what dictates our sexual response because you have a lot of interesting research. Japan just like. How long do we have all day. This'll what makes us wetter like pump. The brakes versus like. Put the gas pedal. Can you kind of go into that a little more. So what you're talking about. There is the good old dual control model. Which is the mechanism in your brain. That controls sexual response And as you can tell by the name the dual control model. It's got two primary parts has a sexual accelerator or gas pedal which notices all the sex related stimulation in the environment. So that's everything you see. Hear smell touch fink. Believe or imagine that your brain codes as sex related and it sends the turn on signal that many of us are familiar with and its functioning all the time at level below consciousness. Here we are talking about sex thinking about the idea of sex. Like hobo count is like a sound that sex related to me what will count as a smell. The sex related to me. Just that little bit is enough to be like well. There's some sex related thinking. And so i'm going to send it turn on signal. Fortunately at the same time in parallel your brakes. The other part of it are noticing all the good reasons not to be turned on right now. Everything that you see here smell touch taste. Think believe or imagine that your brain coz a potential threat and this is the big one. This is the normalizing. Oh look it's totally normal and healthy and good for there to be things hitting my break and The process of arousal is a dual process of turning on the onze. Yes but also turning off the offs and it turns out when people are struggling with any aspect of their sexual functioning. Arousal pleasure desire orgasm. Sometimes it's because there's not enough stimulation to the accelerator. The much more often. It's because there's too much stimulation to the break because stress. It's the bring body. Image stuff hits the brake trauma. History hits the break relationship trouble. It's the brakes your kits debriefing. So is this one in the same of your sex drive or do you describe it differently. You hero people always be like that. So yeah the technical language would say the sex is not a dry because dr is a biological mechanism in an organism's body that is like an alarm like a flashing red light and a woo.
00:30:15 - 00:35:02
Woo claxton sound that. There is some problem that needs to get solved. And there's an uncomfortable internal experience that pushes the animal out into the world to go solve that problem. Hunger is a drive thirsts drive. Sleeping is a drive through regulation if you do not meet. These needs awoke a wilga. There's a problem fix it if you don't meet these needs what happens eventually. You will literally die. You can literally die of sleep deprivation. You can literally die of loneliness right. Love connections biological. Dr sex is not one of those. Nobody has ever died because they couldn't get laid. They may think they might. They may feel unbelievable. Feeling uncomfortable or frustrated is not the same as suffering tissue damage and the fact that you have been told this before the fact that Jokingly people feel like they might is actually super important so if sex is not a drive what is it then. How do we categorize it. Lemme re. i'm i'm realistic. I know we're not gonna live in a world. i really all say. The sex incentive motivation system sex drive is so much easier to say everybody but if we can understand that that we're using it in a sort of like lay person term casual not literal kind of way if we can recognize that we're using the term sex drive we actually mean is the sexual incentive motivation system that is not analogous to hunger but rather to curiosity exploration play. All of these things are equally innate to us the difference is just that we don't die if we don't get it and our desire to explore to read new books to play new games to watch new movies is it comes and goes right. There are some times when you just want to watch the same movie washed thousand times. Read the same book. You've read a thousand times. There are times when all you wanna do is like curl up in bed and silence. Those are times when you're feeling stressed overwhelmed. Exhausted anxious depressed. Those are the times when you're not interested in sex to probably well eighty eighty to ninety percent of people. Those are times when your interest in sex is like Thanks i want a break. Down the dual control model for and i love. I think the overarching theme. I got from your book is that there's no everything is normal. There's nothing that isn't and i think that's really important especially with sacks that such that can be such a sensitive topic. We were going to argue with that so let me make sure 'cause people find it very difficult to be like. What do you mean everything is normal. Do you mean everything is normal inherited things that do not count as normal from my point of view one unwanted pain. It's not supposed to hurt unless you choose for to hurt. If you enjoy pain with your sexual experience great go for it And the reason that happens is explained in chapter three so you go but unwanted. Pain is not normal. Talk to a medical provider And i don't say that glibly because a lot of people when they're experiencing pain with sex Get dismissed by medical providers. Who don't know better than you are going to have to put like legwork into finding a provider who will take you seriously and refer you to for example of physical therapist which is like the most promising intervention for most experiences of sexual pain. So that's one thing. That's not normal if you're experiencing and i have had this conversation people are like and and it hurt but like that was justin. You know and i was like no. That is the thing that not to accept. I mean if you want to go ahead but no and then the second thing. That's not normal obviously is lack of consent. Yeah everybody involved should be glad to be there and free to leave whenever they choose without any consequences right god that you specified that. I think what i thought was good about. The normal comment was more of different desires difference. You know like your sexual breaks everything. Break your normal responded. Here is normal. Arousal concordance where. There's a mismatch between your genitals and how you feel emotionally. That's normal if you wanna fuck your partner's armpit that is normal accelerate intercourse do you. As long as everybody who glad to be there and freely without consequence go for you can do anything you want all normal love it. I think it was really fun. Though in your book is there was a quiz about like the sexual exploitation. System the se in the sexual inhibitions system. As i in you're saying the most common was to kind of be in the middle for for both. You and i took the quiz which was super fun. I actually scored super high in the sexual excite tation it low in the sexual Inhibition okay relieves.
00:35:02 - 00:40:01
Like turn on right. Now there's nothing apparently but You you're more in the middle in the middle. And i think what was so groundbreaking for me in this chapter. Emily nice. I'm so grateful for you for telling us. This is a lot of times. We focus on the s. e. and not not so much the sa and they are separate things so when we don't have sex for a while with our partner we think we're we're missing stimulation were missing the excite tation so we focused so much of our time on buying lingerie and go on public and trying to have sex in public when the s. I am actually more sensitive in that area. I have more breaks than i do. Expectation so we. I have to work on eliminating more of the brakes for me to really get aroused interesting and then i was. I wanted to ask you emily. How do you think it differs four men and women when you look at the research it does like if you had to guess which group men or women had overall more sensitive accelerators probably men. Yep yeah and who has the more sensitive breaks as a population if you average together the break sensitivity of one hundred women and the break sensitivity of one hundred men. The average score of the women is going to be higher. there is an enormous range of variability. As just the two of you represent people vary tremendously and all of that variation is normal. There's nothing dysfunctional about any of it. It does mean that there's different promises but why do men score. Higher on average on exeter's and lower on inhibitors. Is it in the only way we would know if it was like bully logically innate as if we tested it in like one hour old infant yawns and i don't see anyone getting like human irbe approval for studying this research unethical. Yeah that's so it. I guess it could be innate but it is probably because of the cultural messages with which a human being is raised from the moment of their birth Based on like the shape of the genitals between their legs makes the adults around them. It's a boy or a girl. You get totally different messages. Actually it was told the story of a woman who read. Come as you are. And then watched her adult grownup brother. Changing his baby daughter's diaper and when she was all clean and ready to go he reaches to get the diaper and when he turns back little baby. Daughter is touching her genitals and dad. Don't touch that like you have to wonder how he responded if his baby and had a penis. Oh yeah you like go for it. He'd going yeah like haw or if she had been touching any other body part like. Don't we love it when babies not finding their feet. You'll find your feet cutest little fate. So she's not going to re. This baby's remember that moment of her dad scolding her for touching her own body but it will accumulate with countless other moments that she also will not remember so the by the time she gets to adolescence in adulthood. There's going to be this dark place in her brain where her genitals should be. Because she's been taught over years of virtually silent messages that that part of her body does not belong to her. And it's a source of shame and disgust. So would you say then still that the majority of people from your research fall in the middle of both or yeah. Okay that's still like regardless of your sexual preference regardless of your gender sacks all of that it's cut of even distribution on the bellcore. Yeah been there have been multiple studies with many many different populations and it just over and over again it turns out it has the same sort of distribution as any personality trait where like most people are heaped up in the middle. And then there's a few people. I on the edges and but the people who are out on the edges are not abnormal. They're just a typical and it does result in different promises. If you have a particularly for example if you have a really sensitive accelerator especially if it's in combination with a not particularly sensitive break that sounds like it can be really fun and in the right context it absolutely can be but these are also the folks who might be most at risk for Using sex is a strategy to manage stress depression anxiety loneliness repressed rage. We've all got it or engage in compulsive sexual behavior or sexual risk-taking in the wrong context. It can actually increase risk. Yeah i wonder though because i scored high and low but it's maybe it's some of its context because i'm with some of it has gone. Yeah i was gonna say like. I don't know if i would have if i wasn't with the current partner. I'm with right this. Yeah i was gonna ask. How often does that change. It's like introversion extroversion. Like you have a personality proneness temperament. So i'm like a real strong introvert but even i have phase into times of leg wanting spend more time with people and feeling more energized unless drained by the time with people depending on the context in the situation. It's gonna vary the whale respond to those questions.
00:40:01 - 00:45:03
They'll be sort of a promise that you'll notice that you tend to have a more or less sensitive gas pedal compared to your partner or other people but where it falls. Precisely is gonna vary depending on the context and so should we take the quiz at different points in our life depending on context stressed. What will it do for you to have a different score on a little cosmo quiz like a use items from the actual science. But like that is not a scientific with very much like a cosmo quiz just to give you a place to start the sensitivity of your accelerator and brake and for most people. 'cause most people are in the middle. It's much less about. How sensitive are my rigs accelerator and much more about like. There's a break right. So let's talk about those breaks in context a little more. Because i think context is key as we keep playing hanging so i feel good movies. You see it's just like let's put some candles and roses and then we're going to immediately have sack like which accused. Do you think that or more than others. And which ones don't which cues matter more okay so when you look at the research. It's really so rarely about what i actually think. Sometimes it's about what i think. Mostly it's what is the research tells us in the research tells us that Personal being really matters mental and physical health. Obviously if you currently have the flu. That's not going to facilitate relieve flexible and responsive turning off the brakes. Like you're just going to be like now per partner characteristics and we can think flexibly about what counts as a perner characteristic because it varies from person to person for me. It's sense of humor like when my partner is funny. That was like a big deal for me My sister is a musician married to musician so for her sitting in the living room when he's in the piano room practicing she's just sitting there like the right man a rat and that's that's not a thing for me but it is a thing for her so partner characteristics writ large. Sometimes it might be even though you know. Parenting is not a sexy behavior. If you have kids and you're watching your co parent with your kids you can just be like damn. I'm with the right person. I made a good choice here or like doing whatever their job is in. They're really good at it. And you just love seeing them be extraordinary whatever. Their thing is a so partner. Characteristics is the second thing. The third thing is relationship characteristics important among the relationship characteristics is trust so there's a relationship researcher in therapist named sue johnson who developed emotionally focused therapy. Eft and she defines trust as basically the answer to the question. Are you there for me. are meaning so our stands for emotionally accessible emotionally responsive and emotionally engaged when i show up with a feeling you are emotionally present and with me responsive engaged and it's extremely important with sex because there's a lot of vulnerability bald in sexy might be taken off some clothes and letting somebody see parts of your body. Almost no one else will see or touching parts of your body. Almost no one else will touch. You might be putting a part of your body inside apart of someone else's body or letting them put a part of their body inside your body like it takes so much trust and if you take off your clothes and your partner is like wow and nine you then they are really there for you whereas if you show up and take off your clothes and your partners like you know okay right that having a huge impact on that would probably score totally different if i took the quiz with that. That's a part of who is not there for you And that's like a key relationship factor. I love the example. You gave in your book with someone when they asser partner. Why do you want to have sex. Why do you like having sex with me and her partner answered. Because you're beautiful and i've win. He loved this example because it wasn't about treating her like a piece of meat because you're like your body he's just saying baseline you're beautiful. I'm just so attracted to you and to me. That's also something that is for me to hear these words of affirmation yet so in that real story it's grounded in like a true story and it was specifically about someone who was feeling very self conscious about the changes that had happened to her body after having a child like so much happens to your body and it's not just a thorough like visible physical changes. It's that like the way your body experiences. Sensations changes the meaning of your various body parts changes and she was really struggling with learning how to love this body And she had absorbed as we all have a lot of like cultural messages. About like getting your pre baby body back and blah blah blah. It's all bullshit in noise. We can talk about that later if you want to. What he said when she was like.
00:45:03 - 00:50:06
Why would you even. Why would you even want to have sex with this. Is actually what she said. Why would you wanna have sex with this. And he's like 'cause. You're beautiful. And i've heard the story over and over actually especially after the book came out. Men kept telling me about how gorgeous they found their partners after they had a child like they like either like were in no way bothered by the changes or actively loved the changes to their partners body after a child came along and yeah i have also heard stories about men who were legwell whereas us do letting any more stories of men being like she gets hotter every day. If you wanna have sex. That's what you should be. Saic gonna turn it off and what you actually feel because let's face it like when you in a long term relationship especially if you like to get married and do the whole till death do us part thing. I don't know about you. But like i intend not to die while still having the body i currently have. I got decades ahead of me. I hope if. I'm lucky enough to grow old and my partners. Lucky enough to grow olds in both of us are going to be old baggy wrinkled. Bald gray haired scars from surgery medal hips like our bodies are going to be really different by time. Death does us part. That's that's the deal like when you get married. Your partner looks the way they do the. You're not marrying that body. You're marrying the whole future of that body that's love. Let's take a quick break from this insightful. Conversation with emily for a couple of messages this episode is made possible by lugs miss. The golden age of the nineties lugs found its footing as a leader within the footwear and fashion space priding himself on quality materials supreme comfort. The brand never wavered with the passing of trent. Whether you remember the brand's early appeal within the hip hop culture or the countless celebrity endorsements one thing remains the same lugs distinctive style. 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Or maybe you're ready to take your current relationship to the next level. That is exactly why we created the sounding board a true extension of our podcast that delivers a personalized experience which includes one coffee dates with us. A monthly dateable live after show exclusive audio content a much more allow julian. I become your dating sherpas us to provide real time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable. Podcasts dot com sounding board again dateable podcasts dot com slash sounding board. Okay let's get back into this combo. Yeah i think the body. Such an i. I mean. I definitely felt that. I think it's like if you're not feeling great about your body and obviously if you have a partner that's done receiving it. Well that's another whole thing. I mean if you're in a situation where there's a lot of stress going on whether that's your own feel or let's say the other flipside of having kids that you're just like you know rundown and tired. Whatever maybe he started a new job whatever life throws at you. Do you just accept that. This is a point in time or like. Are there ways to kind of reactivate your se. So no don't worry about is very rare that the thing to focus on is adding stimulation to the accelerator. Nearly always the ideas like so. What's what's hitting the brakes right now. And what control do i have over that. Are there things that i can do to like. Take some pressure off the breaks. The accelerator is free to do. Its job and they're not gonna be times when like nope. Nope the gas pedal the is like fine but man the brakes are just on the floor right now on the break on. I got a hand. Brake pulled up click. We're just we're just not going anywhere right now. Like if you just brought a brand new into your life no you're not gonna be getting any sleep. The whole idea of your body is going to be weird and kind just like baby hands touching your body in the whole meaning of your body parts is now about like parenting.
00:50:06 - 00:55:01
And how do you transition out of parenting mode into. Hey sexy lady. Maud takes practice and effort so there is no more ironic way to Not experience any interest in sex than to judge yourself for how little interest you having sex. Because if you're like you're like trying to get in the mood and you're like what's going on and it's been weeks or months and still not in this place in you're judging yourself and criticizing yourself and make your partner is like should you see a doctor. Do you think there's something wrong with you is any of that. Activating the accelerator is. That is that sexually stimuli. That's turned no. It's all hitting the brakes. So if you like take take sexual desire take sexual interest take sexual behavior off the table entirely no pressure no judgment. No performance no performance anxiety. You just allow there to be like a breathing moment in your connection where you take space when we studied people who have great sexual connections. These are people who necessarily sustained strong sexual connection constantly. They're not the ones who never find that there is distance between them. They're the ones who finding that there's distance between them find their way back to each other. Well this is very timely because you talk about stress and how it can you know the app absolutely contribute to our sl hitting the brakes but you also make a clear line between stressors and stress. I will love for you to explain what that is. Because i to me. That was the most helpful definition and also. How do we manage stress. Not in a way that society tells us to manage stress by in a healthy way. Yeah so the short answer is chapter. Four of come as you are. And then all of burnout. The single best predict so. Come as you are really focused on women's actual being now because women most deserve sexual wellbeing but because the cultural denial of their sexual autonomy and pleasure access to pleasure is the foundation of. I think all the eagles in the world and it turns out. The best predictor of a woman's sexual wellbeing is surprised her overall will. Yeah and i'm sure that applies to men to write anyone's overall. Well yes going to help them. Yes for everybody. Yeah so because people were like. This is the most important chapter in this book. That's actually why a burn out was the next book so chapter four of come as you are and one of burnout are beginning with this idea that the process of dealing with your stress which is the physiological thing that happens in your body the adrenaline and cortisol. In all these things we read about with a fighter flight response which is actually fight flight freeze fawn. And then there's your stress it's dealing with that a separate from the process of dealing with your stress or which are the things that caused that activate the stress response in your body our stressors to take like an extreme example or like traffic Right like biologically. Your stress response is the same when you're sitting in terrible traffic when you are surrounded by douche bags as it is when you're being literally chased by a predator like alayan right likely on the fan of africa running and your body is doing what is designed to do feeding. You adrenalin and stuff so that you can run to escape right. So you're sitting in traffic surrounded by douche bags and your body's pumping out this adrenalin and stuff and like trying to help you out and running is not the behavior. That's going to fix the situation. You just need to wait so by the time when you're running away from a lion if you like if there's only two possible outcomes here right either you get eaten by the lion or you survive so imagine you run all the way back to your village and you outrun the lion. You jump up and down. Can you explain you tell the story to your friends and family and you feel so relieved and grateful in the sun. Seems to shine brighter right when you could add to your car after you've been in traffic for forty five minutes you get out of your car. Do you suddenly feel glad to be alive. And the sun seems to shine brighter. And you love your friends and family or do you still want to punch somebody in the face and you kind of accidentally take it out on the first mammal. See when you walk in the door your partner. So that's the difference between dealing with the stress and dealing with the stress or if you get home from the terrible traffic you have dealt with the stress or ua if you there is you know some Douchebag at work readjust. Like i just you the way to deal with that is not going to be the way you're adrenaline wants to deal with it. Which is to like you know. Lean over the table and slapped him across the jaw. That is not appropriate. That's just not a thing you can do legally. Yeah like literally for legal reasons.
00:55:01 - 01:00:06
It is correct that is that is not the socially appropriate thing to do the socially appropriate thing to do to like have a rational conversation. Maybe mediated like you know are grown up. Who manages your feelings. You put the pause button on your stress response. You hold onto it until you are in an appropriate place and then separate from dealing with stress or you deal with the stress itself. Which is you can with physical activity. You can deal with it with a big old cry. I love that one belly laugh. Another great one creative self expression a using your imagination. Imagine just like sit in your office with your eyes closed. Imagine that you are godzilla and your stomping all over the douche bags office and destroying all their crap in there that you're allowed to do you're allowed to do anything you want your imagination right so how this comes back. It lovey novum filling this incorrectly. Stress is going to put the brakes on for any leah. Yes so any ways that we like de-stress and address stuff that's going to help with overall sexual happiness. Yeah because it fixes your overall wellbeing and also some people feel like they can distract themselves from stress with sex. And i feel like for me mercifully having sex while i'm stressed actually adds to my body. Mice sodas okay to say to my partner. I'm taking a pause. So i can work through my stress before we have amazing acts right so one of the things that we get. We've got in this question. A lot is like what happens when my partner and i have different i would've said sex drive's in the past and now i want to say like se sl levels of interest in sex or motorists. Exactly how do you address that situation. I feel like what you hear in bad cosmo. Advice is set the candles by sex toys like basically adding to the s. e. Where what. I'm kind of gathering from you is. Maybe it's focusing on the sl a little more. It's absolutely one hundred percent. Focus on the more. Yeah so if so suppose we got partnering partner be partner. A has higher interested in sex would like more frequently partner be has lower trajan sex would like sex less frequently first of all there is an automatic judgment about one of the person having a more correct level of sexual caroni right. And that's wrong. that's already. You're starting off ron right. There probably adds stress redway in one person is like the diagnosed patient. And usually it's the higher desire person who's like the better sexually and the lower desire person is the worst like there's something wrong in broken with you if you've lower interest in sex that already so like star from a place of like both of us are equally correct and normal and healthy in our level of interest in sex. No one's broken. We just have a relationship where we need to like figure out of compromise. A way to make this work and if i'm hired as our partner in my relationship then what i wanna do is i want to figure out everything that's hitting. My partners breaks unjust sweeping away. I went to I originally heard the story actually from sarah wendell of Sow yes yeah frolic. Jpl we got connected shared network. She tells the story being in an elevator and listening to people. Having the conversation like these characters romance novels they can be like literally running away from the bad guys are being shot at and they hide closet running away from the bad guy and they have sex in the closet. And this woman is like i can't have sex with. They're still dish in the sink. Right like that's it's a distraction. It's an interruption. Her brain is still on that dish and not letting go the wrong. Easy way to address that. Tell the person will you just need to like be more mindful. Be more present in the moment. Let go the dish and turn your attention to the pleasurable things happening in the here. And now but what. If what if i as the higher desire partner in relationship with that person heard my partner say. I'm sorry i'm just like brain is released doc. On that last coffee. Cup i hired. I can be like you know a baby. Go fucking clean and clean and i come up like a superhero. Yes i did the dish. He smelled at diesel. Oh baby I mean. I've literally heard stories about laundry. This is a laundry stuff. Really big one and so huge breaks. You'd like because there's so many steps and you just have to wait until the next step is ready so you've got date night and the last little laundry never got folded So the story as it was told to me was like i'm in bed and wait for my party to come up naked him just like henry. Can we get this done the to do. This really fucks you up. Yeah i just wanted to cross it off it but partner comes up with the laundry basket naked and is like. Hey how you doing. I'm gonna put away the laundry. I'm gonna hang up. Matching t shirts doesn't make any sense to hang up a t shirt but that is the way you like it and like you know like bending over in a sexy way it's playful.
01:00:06 - 01:05:04
It's supposed to be funny and silly. But yeah. If i'm the higher desire partner if i wanna have sex more frequently or greater pleasure with the sex that we have then i want to get rid of everything that is hitting my partners breaks and remove it for your partner. But what about something like this. I'm asking for a friend are my friends. You as question cannot have sex In humidity or when she sweaty and sticky but her partner is totally. Fine fucking in that kind of environment. How could the partner help. Remove that brake for my friend. I feel like an air conditioner costs about one hundred dollars. See there's a solution to everything. There is a solution. You just need to five. The solution like what is like calm. Put a big red bow on the box like baby. I made an investment in us. I love this but let's say but the source subject in your relationship sure which it is for which it is and i feel like the more you bring it up the more they're breaks probably right like incident chasing dynamic. Yeah i can't. I mean i've never been in this situation. I'm only like imagining if someone was like. Why don't you wanna have sex. Why don't you wanna have sex. That's gonna make me more nervous to have sex. How you have these conversations you know in a way that you can understand what their breaks are so it becomes a solution rather than just having this circular condo. Were you know pulling out all the leaders that aren't doing anything just adding pressure so the how do we have. How do i ask my partner for. How do i talk to my partner about question. Ultimate answer is will you just talk about it. You just do it and again. It's not about like. How do i physically go into it. It's one of the things that are standing in my way. What am i afraid could possibly happen. i generally answered this question with two dad jokes one. We love dot net. Had hedgehogs have sex very carefully. And then this is. This is a nine thirties. Forties guy arise in musician. He arise in new york. City says to his cab driver. Hey fella. how do you get the carnegie hall. And the cabdriver looks at him and goes practice practice practice get it. How do you get to carnegie hall practice. Practice to talk about is very carefully and practice practice practice. The real question to ask is. There's a lot of questions to ask and found. Is that one of the most useful things that i can do. In a short amount of time is to instruct people. What the good questions are. Because it's not. How do i want sex more. The question is what is it. That i want when i want sex. What is it that. I don't want when i don't want sacks what is it that i like when i like sex. What is it that. I don't like when i don't like saks for both people to answer these questions to be able to talk about it. 'cause it's not just that you like the pleasure in or and you don't just want orgasm because you can do that by yourself. So what is it about having another person specifically this other person with you that contribute something powerful and important to your wellbeing. To your sense of joy your sense of fulfillment is a human being. What is it that you want. What is it that you like or don't want and don't like and that opens up the possibility of having a conversation. That's not about the power struggle koso- often people frame Sex as a resource to fight over in a relationship And it's not it is. Oh i'm i'm going to not go to the dark place of things that have happened. Culturally we can save that for another episode but it is a great point because we are sold into this narrative that in a new relationship. You fucked like bunnies and then at some point you get so used to each other that you start having less sex than the sex is not good but what you're really saying here this is my takeaway is as sex. Gets better with time because you start to learn your partners. Se's and s is it becomes a puzzle. You can. How do we crank up the sec. How do we get rid of the s. is so in that theory sex should get better and better as you get to know your and that is absolutely how it works when people are willing to abandon the script that somebody somewhere planted in our heads. That says here's how sexy supposed to work. It's supposed to be spontaneous. It's supposed to happen easily. you're supposed to sort of it has an order of operations. You do things in this order. You engage in these behaviors. Not in these other behaviors. Boom boom boom. You're done and we can tell somebody's done. Because somebody ejaculates in somebody else's body you know if we are really in the research and people who have extraordinary sex.
01:05:04 - 01:10:01
This is what they say. How do you get to be a person who has sex. That makes you feel like you're like plugged into the universe abandoned everything you ever taught about sex gender pleasure bodies. Trust shame love and you connect deeply with what those things are for you personally regardless of what somebody taught you and you connect deeply with what those things are for your partners regardless of what the world taught you that was supposed to be. You really. pay attention to you and to your partner and you customize sex and make it exactly what it handy for us specifically without regard to what anybody says it's supposed to be. This is the the confidence. Enjoy thing that. I talk about all the time. Confidence is knowing what is actually true. Knowing that response desire is not only normal but great knowing about the control model knowing. What kind of stuff hits your brakes knowing that one level of desire is not better or worse than another level of desire and joy is the hard part. Joy is loving. What's true. Yeah about your sexuality your body your relationship in the world you live in and knowing what's true and loving what's true requires that you recognize the way that you've been lied to your whole life. About how sexist should work. And when you can do that you become freed up to do exactly what you were talking about an again to like. Pay attention to your own brakes and accelerator to your partners brakes and accelerator into play the game of like. How can we create space for our erotic cells to emerge under the like mountainous pile of other crap. We have to deal with in our lives to be able to play with each other in this specific fund goofy way we humans play. I love that. And i think i mean there's so many takeaways we'll move onto that. This episode has just been jammed packed. You know nuggets and stuff and obviously people can read your book. It's a hundred and ten thousand. Were people can make look to even get more. But i think the biggest thing i learned from this and i know it's one of those things that i think. I knew that. I didn't think about as much of just how much environment plays in to sex. The whole working off of the stressors. And what is pumping those brakes like i. I never thought that was the way to kind of get you the sex life that you wanted like. It's only it's almost like counter intuitive yet. It makes so much sense so i think for me. That's a really great. Take away from all this. And i mean you keep drilling this home besides the two things that you pointed out everything is normal. There is no right or wrong. Like no one is better or worse and i think that can change at different stages of your life based on what's going on in you know if something someone can't orgasm or like something is coming up it's other there's nothing wrong it's just maybe there's a stress that's happening that's causing like for example. You're worried about how long your orgasm is taking yet. And i feel like sometimes we jumped to like what am i doing wrong. Or what am i doing wrong for my partner. It's usually not about that. It's usually about these external contacts. That's causing yeah. It frees up the whole like blame judgment like you can just be set free from all of that stuff and be like how do we. So here's this puzzle that we have. How do we solve it together. Yeah and not being afraid to communicate. I think sex is the one area that a lot of people are afraid to communicate is a field so personal feel so high stakes right like we really don't wanna hurt our partners feelings and make them feel judged to criticize in any way and we're also tender and like it feels like the lease little criticism could just like devastate them. Yes if i five any like concrete tip about communication. Stay as positive as you possibly can make your partner dealing superhero. I love how we do. Xyz i want our sex life to be the best sex i've ever had with anybody ever a. Let's talk about how we can create that together. I love that. And i think just the words of affirmation actually do play so much into it. I think what you were saying to of just being with the partner characteristics. How much that impacts russ. I definitely that all the like self ho buzz words. I know it's like i say things like gratitude nafir mansion. Oh please but no. There's usually have sex things aren't going well in your sex life. There is something deeper going on. That's not just physical for the most part not always but yes it's all related might take away is after reading your book. I just thought. Wow societies really fucked up about the way we educate and talk about sex. You even mentioned the fact that before some turns eighteen everything about is bound. No no no all the dangers in theaters around zags. As soon as a woman turns eighteen. She's expected to be this. Minks like go fox.
01:10:01 - 01:15:07
Go have the best thing. She hasn't been taught to do that. And then if she has too much sacks too little sex or boobs are too big or too little. We're always doing it wrong. Is ailing too much or too little and the normal way of doing things. Nobody's doing it that way. What i took away was we have. To unsubscribe from these believes that came out of nowhere and you talk about accidental environment. You were brought into environmental. Learn all of this not by your own choice because you were accidentally brought into this world a while you know accidentally not by your parents you didn't you didn't get to choose at any given moment in time. We have the option and the power to question. Do i actually believe this or did i just freely subscribed to this belief without even questioning it so that is really empowering to know. I also love this idea of creating the best sex with your partner. Something we talk about on our show is everybody loves a list there. Turn on and turn off. And i would challenge people to stop doing that. Because it's not one-size-fits-all your turn on with one partner. We're going to be different with another partner. The fact that i love forearms on my current partner does that mean that. I will love every forum that i see so i think it's great to know that like the concept that sex is a very customized thing makes it much more liberating to know that whatever you experience with your your sexual partner is different from time to time and you can treat like an experiment and just keep experimenting and it changes with every level of granularity so like you may love the forums on this person but like no other forearms yeah and also when this person with a great forearms like touches you in the special way in the certain special spot today your knees melt but tomorrow your like extra overwhelmed and exhausted and that same certain special someone touches nunn's name certain special place in the special way and you're like glee. Please just go right the same not as normal. That is that is how our brains perception of sensation works at. Nor i think that's really important too because like for me. I'm at the start of a new relationship and i think like sometimes you fear that like that honeymoon period will be over and i think that knowing that it's normal that things go in waves is super helpful that there's nothing wrong per se this is just life and sachs's one part of life but we were just having sex all the time like humanity wouldn't be doing anything right well you have to sleep just be procreating all the time. That's it the weird side note but there is actually not a relationship between frequency of intercourse and production. Oh shit just like more about the time when you do it yeah. The presence of the egg is the limiting factor. And like it's there whether you have sex or not and if if the sperm is present when the egg is present then there's a possibility of pregnancy so if you have sex every day like twenty eight days out of thirty. There wasn't any chance you we're going to get pregnant anyway so anyway are like oh is is the reason. We have reduction in population because people are having sex lots frequently. No no no not just using contraception. They don't want kids choices and having control over their bodies more than they ever have at any point in history. Like i would rather be alive now than any time in the past and i'm sure god i hope fifty years from now if i'm still here will be like i'd rather be alive now than any other time. Because people are more free they have opportunity to choose and they have more cultural permission to be exactly who they are and love exactly who they love and enjoy what they love. Love hearing that. Thank you so much emily. You know this is. We were only able to cover like one third of the book. There's just so much more in a book in addition to orgasm about her list. Yes i wanted to talk about that high monette which was like wall. What the crazy. So i guess. This will be a great teaser for anybody who has not read your book or listen to your book. I've been listening to it Audio and it's so great to hear your voice here. And then i hear and so there's just so much more to uncover with the book but also your book. Burnout is fabulous. You wrote this with your twin sister. Crazy bernau affects so many aspects of our life including our sex lives so also very important to to read and put on a radars. Now anything else. Your worst nationally with the pandemic. Oh been like that of any book. This is burnout is the one i would wish. Least were relevant to people's lives but it is just more and more relevant since it came out in twenty nineteen so i'm currently in booker cozumel for the next site which is Obviously proposal don't have a title or anything like that but the that writing come as you are was really really bad for my own second five.
01:15:07 - 01:20:00
Oh radio is terrible. It's very stressful. And so even though. I'm like thinking and talking about sex all day every damn so stressed that i have no interest in actually having any sex for like months at a time nothing And so the book is about what i needed to know as us expert to be able to find my way back to my own sexuality and my connection with my partner who is like the greatest human on the face of the earth. I admire and adore him and he deserves more for me. I felt but my beating myself up was not helping. So it's it's a how i fixed it. We are definitely going to have you back on the show to talk. That is fascinating. That is living proof that everything is doorbell literally literally like if i can experience it. Anyone can fix it if i can fix it. Anyone can fix it. That is so hopeful for peace through wind. Should we win. Can we expect that book to come out. And she's like my stressors going really. I literally just written the proposal right now. And i also like a million projects and i don't know win made news and win. Your agent has twin babies. Like yeah and also like She gets all the time she needs to do. Things like going very gradually in the process because her babies matter more than my book does there. Gal go that kinda works rightfully so so is there any other ways like any websites or any other ways that people can learn more about you. I'm of social media mostly on instagram. These days And mostly for fun easy nagorski e anna's noodle ag o. S. k awesome. We'll also link it in our show notes. Yeah i will say that my sister the twin sister with whom i wrote it Is has begun. A youtube series called a autistic burnout burnout for autistic people. Because we're autistic and it turns out. There's a very specific thing of overwhelming exhaustion for autistic people and There are no resources that are evidence based specifically her autistic folks. So if you wanna see what our looks like as applies to whatever invokes find on youtube as a musician. She sings songs very frequently. She is the much more entertaining twin of the to. What is her youtube so people can find it. It is artistic earn out. No that's what. It's called me. Amelia n. p. username Amelia nagorski p million n. p. And like it's just it's hurt like side project that she started for the pandemic because she realized there's a lot of demand for information about autistic burnout and none of it is evidence based and we've got a book that's written by two autistic ladies. Aasa while i'm sure that will very much handy for betty people so thank you for sharing all the ways that people can get in touch with you. Thank you for just changing sex education for us so many time of growing up false information. Thank you so much. I finally just disrupting what we've been learning and be like hold come on guy together. You're you're such a hero. Everything you thought was drew wasn't true. I'm so glad. That's i would never have expected when i was writing. Come as you are and destroying mount sex life not permanently that it would have the kind of impact that it's had it's hard to even understand what a positive impact it's had on people's lives and so thank you for telling me because it's like i can look back on that belief. Ellsworth it sewer so worth it everybody. Can everyone deserves to have better sex. And you're doing that for us. So thank you for for making the world a more healthier sexual place. If that's i think about it. We're going to wrap up this episode. Thank you again. Emily for being a part of this show and thank you to our listeners for for listening to this episode but also go out and get the book both of those books. They're going to be so life changing for you and after you listen to this episode feel free to give us five stars in apple. Podcast reviews because five stars is like the biggest orgasm that we could have. That's hot as orgasm in the world by giving us five-star so i'm just saying like do that shit because it will blow our minds. I think it's an exciter right would you. Oh s. e. see out. there is a five star. Rubio's you don't want to give an example of the sound you make when you get a i. I know pressure that it changes from partner to partner. Every view is different. Every review is different. Shoot me the last one.
01:20:00 - 01:22:41
The last five star review we. I think i made a sound similar to like. I can't guarantee. I can replicate that for the. It's just like this is like a new program. We have like you do review and you get a video recording back. Some of them are like how some of them are squeak. Some of them are like guttural shudders and some of them. Just pure silence. I'm just speechless. Like breath holding. Yes but it's all normal. It's all normal. That's the way here. We're going to wrap up this episode. Oh the dateable. Podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Five more podcasts. You'll love at frolic dot media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation. I follow us on instagram facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcast tag as an any post with the hashtag. Stay dateable and trust. We look at all those post then head over to our website dateable podcasts dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well. As articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts you can also find our premium why series sect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums for also downloadable for free on spotify apple. Podcast google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable gym sessions and sweaty summer activities are back which means more funky smells in your clothes. Because sweat leaves behind bacteria that causes those hard to remove odors clorox fabric sanitizer products are ready to zap the stink out of fabrics in your home by getting rid of ninety nine point. Nine percent of odor causing bacteria eliminate odors in every load or sanitize fabrics between washes with one of our fabric sanitizer products. Search fabric sanitizer at clark's dot com to learn more when it counts. Trust clorox use as directed inside scoop if your kids are as ready to go back to school as mine are you gotta check out goals. I got my daughter's sudas so tops for under eighteen. Dan's backpacks for twenty five percent off thirty percent of levi jeans for me even saved an extra fifteen percent and pick the gold cash itself. Yeah not sure more excited right now me or the girls select styles. Fifty percent off ends. Augustine levi's coupons dot apply. Apply see circles for details.