S13E12: Do Relationships Make You Happy? w/ Rob Mack

Dateable Podcast
November 2, 2021
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November 2, 2021

S13E12: Do Relationships Make You Happy? w/ Rob Mack

We're chatting with positive psychology expert and celebrity happiness coach Rob Mack about why we often look to relationships as our source of happiness, when this is something we can find from within.

Do Relationships Make You Happy?

Maybe you've had the thought 'once I get in a relationship, then I'll be happy' or 'once I get married, THEN I'll be happy'. We're chatting with positive psychology expert and celebrity happiness coach Rob Mack about why we often look to relationships as our source of happiness, when this is something we can find from within. We discuss how we're wired for happiness, how to come out of situations that don't make us happy, and why it's more important to find someone who supports our happiness over becomes our happiness.

Follow Rob @robmackofficial and learn more about Rob at

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Episode Transcript

S13E12: Do Relationships Make You Happy? w/ Rob Mack

00:00:01 - 00:05:02

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves.  I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

Hello everyone welcome to another episode of the dateable. Podcast where we examine people's behavior when it comes to dating love and relationships and sex we get about sex and today's episode is diving into happiness. What does that mean and julie just right now on a scale one to ten ten being the most happy you've ever been what would you rate your happiness at. I would say like an eight. I'm pretty happy right feeling. What's your happy this level. I'm at a constant seven might default so today i'm at a default seven is that and we yeah. We dive into happiness. We are super excited about this episode. It's with rob mac. Who is a celebrity happy. This coach and he really takes us through what happy this beans. His own personal journey end. You know the inevitable question of do relationships make you happy. So why you at an eight. Why am i at an eight. You know i mean. I think things of life are lining up right this minute. So there's that piece just overall but also at eight. Because it's halloween weekend. In halloween weekend makes me happy for anybody who has been listening to dateable since the beginning. You should know that. Julie loves halloween and it's a very important holiday for her. Last year was so sad because nobody celebrates so. What do you have a costume this year. Or do you probably be like a nine tonight. When i'm out at night or chad we'll see how it goes. Okay so. I was thinking about costumes that i do have a cost costume by boyfriend and i are doing a couples costume so cheesy as good and we made it last night or we attempted to make half of it and we are going to be elite. People san francisco by gut best but will affect people in. We're going to be carl. The fog in car love the fog. 'cause carla has taken over for carl so for anyone dot san francisco. San francisco is known for fog in. It's got its own identity. Through whatever one calls karl in. There is a twitter account that carl would say really funny things about just the layer of fog that persists over san francisco. So how do you dress up. Fog so we. We made these big clouds out of styrofoam and we have a of a name tag on them. And then we have the twitter quotes that they both said edit made me think about it because i feel like it by twenty s. Halloween was just an excuse to dress. Super sledding yeah. Now i'm thinking about it. I am about to go to a halloween party tonight at a giant styrofoam in the shape of a cloud. Like how unsexy is that while also. Because you're in a relationship and also i'm were thinking what is most comfortable rusher. How comfortable. I mean our is going to be comfortable wearing the big cloud by. That's true but you will be social. He just. I will be socially distanced out purpose. That's a good one. I think that's great couples costume. We'd love couples costumes because because they're they're funnier when you're together but when you're a part nobody gets it. What are you supposed to be We are travis barker. And courtney okay. My partner bought a bunch of temporary Here he has a bunch of tat's he bought a bunch of temporary tattoos and put it on his neck and he definitely looks more recognizable. I'm distressing all black and being bitchy. Need to be honest with you. I saw your voters on its sticker out. I had no idea what i thought. Maybe travis barker because of the tattoos but no to your boyfriend he looks nothing like travis spark actually so we went to dressed up the weekend before and we went to a party and when we walked in. It was like kind of a costume party. People kept commenting about his cool. Tat's like they thought this one guy was like you just look like every cool in. La those are some cool tattoos. And let me tell you julie. These cats are so random. We got tigers. We've got fire. Butterflies like random shit and people were admiring his fake. Tat's we're like did you know he's travis barker nobody.

00:05:02 - 00:10:01

Nobody got the connection also because it was two weeks before halloween right. That's even better. Nobody thought he was in costume. And i'm just dressing all black like nobody knows that made costume either. While i think people are hard to pull off boyfriend wicky couples costumes and a lot of them. Were like celebrities. Unless you really look like that person it's very hard to pull off has to be a very distinct kosta. Yeah serene ian just in that one. Year and denham that's very recognizable otherwise distressed in regular clothes and acting extra bitchy. I guess that's all you really need to do. As things progress. I feel like this year is a little bit of a struggle about really making my halloween costume. The day before halloween. I feel like every year that goes by. I get a little less enthused so for that purpose. I feel like you just being able to throw something god. It'd be able to do shit that's always worth it. Yeah it's so much fun to get creative. And i like it when people do costumes. That are off the shelf. Yeah i like homemade costumes so okay. So why are you at a consistent. Seven happiness i feel like i'm just you know my name in chinese means happy so i feel like i was just born default happy and i have these outside ranges of light to an eight sometimes and i get to a five or six but seven is just my normal state. I feel like. I'm very lucky to be where i am. I feel very lucky to have the people around me and my dogs make me feel sevens all the time. So that's why. I'm at us seven but there are very few things that can get me to innate. Believe it or an actress day. Yeah so i guess the question for you since. We're like the big debate of this episode. It is you know just being in a relationship play into your happiness. What would you say from your past experience. I feel like being in a relationship helps me understand. Different dimensions of happiness So it opens up another level of happiness but it also makes me appreciate the happiness already have What about i think. I'm happy in different ways. I think it's not one is better than the other. But i think like for instance. When i was single i feel like i did more things that were like self-fulfilling and also you know i mean i definitely still hanging out with friends and stuff but it was different when you're single so i think there was a lot of happiness with that side of things and then with a partner you know like having your go-to person like confidante in activity buddy in person to like do whatever with i think that brings another side of happiness being exposed to things like i feel like i do a lot more outdoor activities of by garner that i would do on my own in that brings me great happiness so i think there is some of that as well and then sacks i think helps with happiness consisting sex hope so that would really suck. If you're like sex bixby on happy. I would be a terrible state to be it. I like this conversation. We have with rob though. Because you'll say i mean we're so dependent on other people for own happiness on there. And i remember just being feeling miserable because of receiving attacks or because of something a guy did and now i realize this is so independent of my happiness. And you'll see after this this episode. You'll understand you control your own happiness -absolutely but i think like you know. Humans are wired to go through life together. You can have happiness in solitude for sure. I think there's been moments that i bid by myself. I'm thinking about if i'm in the hot springs calisto. Goodbye south So happy. But i think if i had no human connection i think there is something about being connected to other people and that doesn't mean that needs to be a romantic relationship but i think having relationships in your life is a key to happiness. I think though you can never relax. It needs to come within. It can't just be this if you've a friend. Let's say that it's busy. For instance can't be that you're miserable because someone can't hang out with you and this is why we always say you can work on personal development all you want. But it has to be relational to other. Yeah you can't do the stuff in a bubble and i read the stat. The other day that people who feel socially connected are seventy percent less going to be depressed or anxious because they feel socially connected. I hope i said that right but that makes sense to you right. It sounded good and satellite et legit staff. But i think that's actually point because that doesn't mean single versus in relationship. There was a book that. I'm eric klein. Enberg that also co wrote with disease on sorry he was the co author of. Oh yeah romance. He's those dial nobody remembers. I know a book about being single single peop- bullying that more and more people are living on their own the stay at age and he said that he's a sociologist.

00:10:01 - 00:15:00

A key studied that single people are actually go out. More often are more engaged in their communities are more social overall. Not to say that if you're a relationship that beads you're sitting home every friday night watching. Tv that's bung overall. It doesn't always correlate that if you're in a relationship you have more social activity different social activity. Yeah we're also multidimensional so it's other people who can bring out the different dimensions in who we are otherwise. We're just that one person by ourselves right so it's interesting i think. Sometimes when you're single. I feel like there's more of a push to do things. Yes 'cause you're more motivated for sure. It's like one is that you'll meet people to it's you don't want to be in that single stereotype of just staying in doing nothing all the time and i think sometimes it can be nice to be in that start if i do miss free time a little. I think overall single people. There's a misnomer that single people are just dislike sitting home with their three cats. And okay yes. I agree and that's why we got this question before. When do you know you're too comfortable single. And i think that's when you're too comfortable is when you are cut off from society and you'd rather stay in and be alone the majority of the time. Yeah i don't know though. 'cause i feel like some of the times before i've met someone it's when i have middle little space for them. Not saying i'm i'm definitely not a whole body. I'm not even now in a relationship. I'm always like asking friends to do stuff still and just bringing my partner now but there was a period. That was go. Go all the time that. I didn't really have room for another person. And when i kind of stopped going out and doing as many things and that's just came with age in life stage it was of because of single status or whatever. I do think it kind of brought me to a place that i was ready to let someone into my life so while i don't think you should ever put your life on hold. I do think there is the flip side of it of not having enough time to include anyone like we all know those dates with people. That just are always too busy. You can't make time to date like how can time for a relationship so then the question is when you are choosing to stay home by yourself. Are you of waiting. Something warmer you welcoming something. If you're staying home. Yeah all coming that feeling of being alone and working yourself. Perfect but if you're writing facing some of those issues that is a problem. I think a lot of it's like what is the intention behind it because i think a lot of people will say like i have a full life single. I've developed a full life but is it because you genuinely love your life or is it. Because you've come to the conclusion you're never gonna meet someone even though it's the same outcome it's two different mindsets. Yes okay well. Perfect segue into our question because the question is. How do you know when you're in good mental state to date Perfect segue and this episode is all about that. But we'll just give you a little teaser into it. I believe you're a good mental state. Today is when you are at a place where you feel like you're cup is full and we talked about this before. What does it mean to feel like. Your cup is full. You feel fulfilled. You can be at a default happiness when you wake up and you're not dependent on other people to make you happy. Your mental state is not dependent on other people's words or actions. I think when you're you have a life that you want to share with someone else versus on depending on someone for a life. Those are very different statement. And i think making room for someone still means that you have a life. It's just that you wanna bring someone into that. Life opposed to being in the state of just go go go in only my way etc but back to that example of staying in on a saturday night. Are you doing it because you have absolutely no one to call. And or you're avoiding social activities or is it coming from a place that you want to have a night of cut a master data itself love and pampering yourself taking matt reflection time. Those are very different states. In kind of the first one is that you're relying on other people to build a life. Where the second is that. You have that life and you're just recharging from it. I am obsessed with that distinction that makes so much sense to me because either you have such a fricken bad ass life. You can't wait to share it with someone else. Because you're like come come check up to or you're waiting for someone to show you the life that you want to have And that is a difference. We hear this in our community. As well as i'm fine be alone but i just feel like i could do so much more when i get into a relationship. Well that's really the case.

00:15:00 - 00:20:01

You can't wait for your future self out to do all the things that you want to be doing today. Yeah and i think one of the benefits of a relationship is that it exposes you to new things and new ideas new hobbies etc. But that doesn't mean to be the only way you can expose yourself to that. I remember when i was single i would find like different classes. I could take all the time whether that was virtual or in person if anything. I wish i could get a little more at back integrated into my life. So i think you can find that just in a different way. It's coming from within without relying on someone alison then when you meet that other person. It's just another way to get that stuff into your life. I distinctly remember my time in new york. I was in my late twenties and my career is not going well. I didn't have the support system. I was so far away from my parents. And i started dating this guy who on the days. He called or texted me. I was ecstatic. Do anything. I thought i was invincible. And on the days. Whereas crickets from him i would be in my bed unable to get out and eating brahmin under commerce and looking back on that moment i see that because my life was not where i wanted it to be. I put my entire existence on someone else. I can relate to that so hard times. I just anxiously waiting for someone. Text back ed By best friends would be like. I think it's because you have too much downtime. Got stuff that you're thinking about it so much because when you're busy you automatically just don't get hung up on things because you are doing shit right. You have all that idle time. What else are you gonna do. You're gonna wait by your phone in hopes that someone could turn around your day. Yeah so back to this question julie. Do you think that you have to have a perfectly fulfilling life first before you can start dating or is this something that you can learn along the way. I don't think it's ever gonna be perfect. And i think there is a balance that we've talked about before to. It's if you have okay. Let's use the analogy If you have like a a splash at the bottom and that's it then. It's probably not a good time to date you do to do. The self worked to build yourself up. But if you're like fifty to seventy five percent of the way there so many people are always waiting for things to be perfect to lee in that ideal state but the reality is you're going to be waiting forever so i think there needs to be a time that we grow through other people as well named it can't just be until that magic day. It's kind of like the analogy of when i lose ten pounds i'll date again but then when you lose the ten pounds you're probably gonna lose another ten pounds so it is a spiral that can be tough to get off of if you're always waiting for that perfect day but i do think if you're a place really low water low energy in that glass then i think there probably needs to be more of an emphasis on the self love and therapy the work that goes into it and i'm going to add a little bit too that analogy. It's also the movement of the water. Is the water still. You could be almost halfway there but is it just staying hill or are you actively looking to fill your cup even if your water level may be low right now and i think a good mental state for dating is at your actively looking to fill your cup and know that that is your goal and you can take some along with you for the ride ride. I think we need to expect that lake. We're not perfect at our partners aren't going to be perfect either. An imperfect together but it can't be to people that are broken. Just clinging gone to each other to become unbroken so there is a distinction between the two for sure. Yeah that's what you get when you get to broken people that you end up hurting each other pieces. Okay enough analogies. That's it answering the question. We gotta get onto the happiness right either. What makes me happy our instagram account. We'll go into some announcements at dateable. Podcast you can connect with us through instagram. You know we put up a call for guests just the other day on instagram of. Do you wanna be on an exit interview with some of your axes to learn what really went down. Do you want to be on a twenty four hour date. We've already got some submissions in. We're still trying to find a good match though. We don't want to just be like you live in san francisco. You live in san francisco. Go we have a little more thought. That goes into it. So if you're interested in being guessing either of those dating experiments definitely reach out to hallo dateable podcast dot com or us on instagram also. There was a call out for toxic femininity. That's a topic that we wanted to do really badly. So if you are an expert in this space or you just have a stance on it. I think in this. We'd love to hear from a woman because it could go. Yes our if we're doing seven entity with a man no fence man but you get a so.

00:20:01 - 00:25:03

What was the other one. Was it just that one or is infidelity. yes she did. Have you been the cheater and you have a strong stance on cheating either way. We love to hear from you too. We'd love sourcing from our community. We have an upcoming episode next week. All about dating with disability. That came from a member. Tiffany in our community. So good really tugs up as heartstrings at goes. I think it's very relatable for everyone even if you don't have a disability but i love pulling people from our community so definitely follow us. Make sure you're in the The dateable podcast. Facebook group love in the time corona. That's where we post this as well in an sounding board is our premium members again. Psa if you wanna join the sounding board make sure to go to deed will podcast dot com slash sounding board in sign up. Then you'll get admitted into the facebook group. So i don't want to ignore people that have accepted it but it's it is way easier if sign up but we can get you in yes and if you wanna see our lovely faces youtube that's where to go dateable podcast on youtube. You have some nice fall foliage today. So pumpkin burn pumpkin attire. Yeah we're matching today without pumpkin color. Arranging it ahead of time. That's all the stuff you can see on youtube okay. Let's get into a few messages from our sponsors. This episode is brought to you by first leaf if your wine drinker yard that the selections are endless. Which is why finding a wine that you like can be hit or miss. I'm sure we've all been there walking up and down that wine aisle trying to pick out a bottle but we have so many other better things to do with our time. Now that i'm a. I leave wine club member. I don't have to worry about the wine selection process. I is wine club that curates ships winds. That are perfect for you. And since they work with renowned winemakers from all over the world there's virtually no limit to the variety of wines that you get to try and when you rate the wine you receive they learn more about your palate. So my shipments have gotten better better over time as they learn about my preferences. I am having so much fun discovering all the different wines that i would never known about in the first place like all the different rose as out there. Join today and you'll get six bottles of wine for twenty nine ninety five and free shipping just to try i leaf dot com slash dateable. That's six bottles of wine for twenty nine dollars and ninety five cents and free shipping at try. I leaf dot com slash dat. Ab l. e. This episode is brought to you by the book dinner on primrose hill by new york times in usa bestselling author. Jody thomas. This book takes readers to clifton bend taxes a small college town where two very different scientists benjamin monroe and virginia clark must team up on experiment on. The chemistry of mating sounds spicy already. Can these two opposites attract and quantify. The science of love. Virginia knows her desire to work with. Benjamin is motivated by more than just the potential of that prize money and hopes that he might not be as quite indifferent as he seems to be and soon enough their project. The chemistry of meeting is gaining notoriety. Friends neighbors the whole town has become involved but no matter what the data determines one conclusion seems. Inescapable love follows. Its own rules. You can get your hands on dinner. On primrose hill anywhere. Books are sold or at kensington books. Dot com okay. Let's hear it. For of rob mac all about happiness. But we're going to get right into this conversation about happiness and we have a happiness coach with us. I didn't even know that could be a career path. And i think it's the most incredible career path at the end of the day on podcasts. Anything we talk about it. All is geared towards the goal of happiness. Everybody just wants to be happy right there. There's nobody out there. That's raising their hands. Saying no i'd rather be imo all my life so outside of everything that's expected of us. When it comes to dating relationships marriage ultimately were looking for our person and some of us believe that are person will also make happy so we can debate that a little bit later. We want to but we are talking to rob mac. He's a positive psychology expert. Celebrity happiness coach executive coach and author of the book. Happiness from the inside out. Hi rob hi. Thanks for having me. Yeah we're so happy seeing your face exactly such a big smile. Who is rob. He's forty years old. He lives in l. A. m. miami originally from pennsylvania single actively going on happy dates dates of i had to happiness and happy are words are thrown around a lot and i actually had to look up the definition because what is the definition of happiness. Happiness is a feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. The what is the definition or fortunate and convenient is another definition of happiness.

00:25:03 - 00:30:09

There's just not good definitions. It does not even do the word any justice. So rob how would you describe or define what happiness is i would say that happiness is peaceful likeness right. So it's the experience of peaceful aliveness underlies all experiences conditions circumstances thoughts feelings asians perceptions on all of that incident happened. This is just what you do or what you feel or what you think happens is essentially what you are Like a little abstract Folks i think but yet sort of the very essence in very core of who you are and so in other word for happiness is simply piece more life peacefulness It's definitely a piece to feels alive. I like that better than contentment. Yeah i think a lot of us. Probably think of happiness or experience something Little saccharin rights. This little inauthentic or it feels like it's just about this emotional roller coaster that we take any experience with a high of some kind of emotional. Hi i'm will remain associated with pleasure. You happiness as pleasurable but it doesn't equate to pleasure. happiness feels good on. but it's not only good feelings. You know there's a. There's a deeper felt since of peaceful lightness. it's lasting meaningful in abiding. Didn't underscores underlies all experiences. That's not something. I knew the beginning his journey. So that brings us to a class takes. I'm dying to dow what got you. Chilling fetus industry. Where you always just happy-go-lucky or what was your story. I was suicidal. Believe it or not. So i am the person to the happiness coach like borne unhappy. I was deeply rest and stressed out. Anxious self-loathing self hating insecure. I thought it would grow out of it. That i'll do okay. Maybe hopefully academically athletically socially financially. And all that happened. I did do pretty well. Sports feel that it will in the classroom. I actually had some friends. I had a girlfriend agreed consulting job but just four which really became. Depression eventually got worse and worse than i mentioned that place where i was seriously suicidal so experiencing suicidal idealization dozens of time today so it took place where i decided it was going to do some research inside look for means to kill myself. I had access to the violent side of the slash my wrist so the kitchen kitchen knife talking to my wrist still have suicide test market remembers to this day with something. Very strange. unpredictable happened in the middle of that experience. Which is that for. No good reason without external conditions of circumstances. Like changing at all ahead it pretty good life external. Genitalia the inside. I just felt this sense of peace in joy end inexplicable love that i hadn't really ever experienced before so in that moment i decided was gonna postpone suicide for just like fifteen minutes. Like wasn't very long. You know even that very tall vicious order. It felt nearly impossible to wait that long. But i did. Research that period of time in for long discovered most important There was out there that were much wiser and the are the needed. Figured out a way out could come back from it. You've realized how were you. I was early twenties. Oh wow that's that's quite the story. I've been reading a lot recently. About how when we were in the womb where the happiest all of our needs are taking care of. You don't feel alone because you're tethered to another human being and once we come out of the wound we spend our lifetime chasing that feeling again. And i can definitely attest to the fact that i've been there as well and it's a very dark place to be into feel that loneliness is absolutely profound so it's an incredible story. Thank you so much for fr- telling us that and what about your current clients who come to you for happiness coaching. I guess you could call it. Are they also in a similar spot. some of them are. Lots of them aren't but they all share this roller coaster ride that is life in so they experienced the ups and downs and most of them without much want to experience more ups and downs. But not all of them are suicidal or depressed. Long stretch but lots of them. All of them are very familiar with stress in a variety insecurity and frustration. Overwhelm right so yeah. I think to be alive is to recognize an experience the frustration often of dealing with navigating life and. That's what they all share in common. I think one of the reasons why dating can be so difficult is that it shines a light to all of that. It's not really just about you know meeting other people it's about really getting up with all your insecurities and fears and all the deep stuff that we've been suppressing for years county.

00:30:09 - 00:35:04

You see clients come to you in regards to dating with happy this such a great question jewelry. I mean i initially set off to the happens coach. Mostly because i was trying to be happy myself so i decided to exposure to be happy and then over time you'll notice that up to was always carrying around Don't kill yourself box. My little journal about tracking happy this activities that were working in the ones that weren't and so i always thought we'll maybe al help. People are becoming his coach but ously enough most people into this day that reach out to me because they're having relationship problems or dating products commune right in. So most of us associate or confound happiness with relationship problems or with relationship film in some ways. So i did most all of the people that i talked to are mostly frustrated by other people or the lack thereof. Absolutely right interesting. So how do you help. People relinquish that control where people feel like. My happiness is dependent on finding someone else or dependent on someone else's behavior how do you change their mindset. Yeah so it's such a great question. You i mean i think first and foremost we just start with the data points. We've already all gathered. So if you look into the past into your life how many things you've prayed for or hoping for or sitting tensions around visualized or wanted that you now have and then notice how your no happier resolve and back to large extent. Lots of people are much less happy as a result of all these realized goals and dreams and desires so just recognizing that alone that there's no amount of money no amount or degree of youth or beauty that will ultimately lead you to living a happy life in a lasting meaningful binding way. Just recognizing that a lull. i think is pretty convincing. But then there's the piece around scientists well right. We have lots of scientific data at this point over two decades worth you know from places liking hershey pennsylvania in harvard in clermont and university of michigan. And all that science basically says that no successful condition or combination of successful conditions will ever guarantee you happiness. in fact there's a formula happened is formula. We know that only about ten percent of your happiness is attributable to conditions. so it's at ten percent that's best case scenario so imagine your most perfect ideal life. Whatever is right. Whatever that is would only account for ten percent of how happy or unhappy are. And what's the other ninety percent yes. Ninety percent is perfectly malleable. Fifty percent is actually genetic so all yes for more or less happiness would that genetic and opponent is itself changeable and plastic which means that. It's not like height. Or i color that you can't really change right it's something that's completely changeable and you can change your by the people that you hang out with exercises activities that you participate in fuji. We'd all that stuff. That's fifty percents. The other forty percent is the voluntary stuff right. So it's the choices you make around gratitude again people using out with and all that good stuff so really ninety percent perfectly within your control in at argued that ten percent also a more within our control than we realized. If we're going to spend our time and energy in rape precious life on this planet trying to be happy we don't wanna spended all or most of it. Just trying to rearrange nice did sort of excellent kinik. So what would you say. It's fair to say that ninety percent is just mindset like how you view your current situation or is it a little more complex than that i did. It's a great way of describing it very simple way. I'd say the day it's about one is having is what you do so in journeys like if you're doing things that make you miserable art good fit for you and your perceived three here. It is just not a good match Your personality your to your strengths. You're gonna find it hard to be happy right. This is definitely about doing happy things if at all possible within the second level is it's also about spending time with happy people or supportive. People loving people encourage people helping people. there's that he said but the third level is definitely really about entertaining or at least exploring better feeling stories about your life in about the world in general but it's still true so that is about in rates. It's about optimism about gratitude in about hope no question about with his fourth level. Generally scientists talk too much about this. But it's not just about happiness producing activities and happiness supporting individuals of people in your life in about happy thoughts about no thoughts right. There appears in life nor day where we're not the end all and if you notice more and more of those periods of no minor no thought you'll see how you're already perfectly at peace and happy ready without having to do any of the other things i don't know if i ever have a moment where i don't have it you.

00:35:04 - 00:40:02

This is why i'm so bad meditation. This is probably why i should take meditation. I don't know are you the like. My mind is always racing. so it's always the. They can't do vegetation that should be doing now. That's right it's kind of like we can say can't live that five pounds but the only reason we five pounds because we haven't tried it try often right right in the thing just disabled quickly. Is that all of us. Have gaps in our thoughts all day long. But we don't notice them. We usually rush past them to weekly. So when you're experiencing tremendous pain or tremendous pleasure. There often is just a moment. Or a micro moment when your mind is perfectly still quack. Notice those gaps in the traffic of your mind more consistently you quickly. Discover the gaps widen also become more frequent and in those gaps essentially pregnant pauses those positively full of like auto bundle of joy. But it's obvious sweet here all the time. That's once in a relationship. I'll be happy or one married. I'll be happier once i've kids. I'll be happy. Would you put that in like the ten percent. That's more circumstance. absolutely absolutely. i mean really you think about it. Anything that you imagine will make you happy in the future. Lots seems like an opportunity to be happy. Later is really mostly an obstacle to be happy right now so any of those. If then statements generally are a good indication that you're placing your happiness in the future in somebody or something else other than yourself in is the primary cause of your happiness. It's all right so what about people that are single. The just hate being single. Like how can you feel like happy in your current life stage situation. You know whatever it is whatever stage you don't wanna be in essentially to the first thing is trying to take your power back and stop if you can't outsourcing what you feel to anybody or anything else the lack of anything or anybody else one way to do it simply is just Craigslist called. you're happy. Silence those are things people places. It allowed me to feel inspired energized. Happy for no good reason just for their own sake and do what he can spend more time with those people activities people in places also notice the things that make you feel really miserable or drain for no good reason. We all those your happiness desert's and do everything you can to spend less time with those people activities and places right so that's a good first step is just to begin to notice all of the incredible reasons that you have to be happy today despite not having a partner relationship Do you believe that happiness can be addictive. That people wanna keep chasing it but for the wrong reasons and i ask this because i feel like once i feel happy i want to constantly feel that feeling so i'm chasing after people things to make me feel bad again but that's not realistic. Well yeah i mean the you bring up such a great question. You i love it so much i mean we become addicted to pleasure with your happiness would say were not addicted to only because it's something that is with us in it is essentially us in so it's instead i would say you know this is what you are. You find yourself chasing a high of any kind. It's fine yourself word but also realize recognize that that's not happiness dissipation or pleasure isn't happiness. Happiness is pleasurable. It can be full of anticipation but it's not the same thing. Okay lightbulb moment. I just want to repeat what you just said had. I is what you are. So it's a state of being and pleasure are those spikes and those are the highs people chase after the happiness is accessible anytime anywhere right now. You just nelson beautifully said. Really said it's like yes happiness is it's not a lifestyle status. It's not even a state of emotion or state of mood. Which is what most of us assume. It's a state of being. It's not even state of mind. Those mile kind can lead you there little right. It's a state of no mind. It's a state of being itself. And that's being you kind of think of like when you go to a movie a movie watch movie and the movie we get pop in the characters and the action. It's fun to watch so scary to watch than it. Sexy minutes gross. We spent all the emotions and the one thing that we don't really recognize. Remember very often that it's all happening on the screen. That screen that basically absorbs or allows you to see images on the screen. That three itself is immovable. Unshakable and indestructible. It's perfect peace that screen and no matter what happens on screen is untouched really. I would have on the screen. It's that screen itself. As i would describe is happening inside if you in so no matter. What happens on the surface of your life dishes. Circumstances thoughts emotions underneath it off. You dive deep enough. You realize the debt screen is perfect.

00:40:02 - 00:45:03

Peaceful agnes all is exists within you and you can access that experience at even as you experience the other things you can bring that screen to the forefront of your experience of life. It's always been the background somewhere on. But essentially what happens the most offices we forget there were watching a movie essentially and we get so caught up in all the action all the drama and we go chasing and we don't really spend enough time just basically being. I think what you said like the addicted to dictate to pleasure. Not happiness is interesting. Because i can see why people now tie. Happiness to relationships is a lot of pleasure when things are going good. It's good you mentioned your clients a lot of time to come to you with relationships. When they're unhappy or they're happy. Do you think this is such the forefront of people's perception of happiness. Yeah well it's it's so easy to forget that you are happiness and then to go seeking for that which you are without realizing recognizing right so another way to say that essentially is that you know we see in our illusory or a rooney's perception. You believe that were that. Were half a person which is part of a person that we're not whole. There's something lang you're missing our lives. We go through with something anything it usually you know. Another person just seems Ideas why not you would somebody else not in relation to sound asked but if you look closely you'll notice that the challenges that we haven't really come to enjoy or love our own aloneness. We haven't dive deep enough within ourselves to discover that whatever it is. We're looking for another person. We already have within ourselves right so even experience of love like i don't need a partner to fuel law. You know your partners who happiness it affects sometimes partner is one thing but it's the way of you feeling the love it's inherently the inside your the happy's inside your the pieces inside if you in so you know it's understandable. We all have done. It will do it with forget for time that we're we're looking for is not only with us is us is also the science scientists out a lot. Your sights basically found that happy able essentially have better relationships all kinds either the happier relationships of all kinds of weeks. They also get married earlier. Stay married longer Not the also by the way are as more attractive than they're unhappy counterparts. It's not because they're actually physically more attractive than having itself is attractive riley in figurative right so challenge and opportunity is to find a way to be happy without a partner. So that you can one day attract department. Were quickly and be happier in relationships. Yes absolutely we actually had this really great cook that i wanna read that. It was the best advice i heard was to find someone who supports your happiness. Not someone you need to depend on it. What are your thoughts about this cloud in like how can people start looking more inward. I love that so much. I mean. I heard warren buffett's say something really interesting one time they asked him. What's the best piece of advice you could possibly get any said to make sure you're very selective choosy about your partner in you. Choose for life for grow from whatever. I feel that so strongly is genuine happens. Relationships is that led to think. If we're happy enough we can pull the other person after level happiness. That rarely ever happens with mostly happens. Is that at least heavy person. You down to their level right so the first thing is to recognize that happiness relationships are designed to make you happy that like a big burst for your enhance your happiness. You're happy already incher happiness. But they're not designed to make you happy designed to make you aware in your awareness. You become happier happier. That's the reason the challenge in the opportunity with relationships not to look for happiness in them. Because again you're outsourcing this thing actually you are infinitely rich wealthy right. I think sheryl sandberg says something very similar also about the partner is your creatives indication of successes who you choose as a partner and i saw a study somewhere that the most happy people just overall again. There's probably a lot of factors. Were people that were married in good relationships what they consider go relationships and then next was people that were single in then the bottom where people that were in relationships that were did not make them happy. So like you're right so a lot of the science would essentially says. Is that state marriages example. But he could take any relationship really so most of us assume getting ratio. If you get married of course you'll be happier. I love this person or grey to me but what happens with most people. Most everyone is that experience. A small bump increase in your happiness when you first get married In students that honeymoon face over you experienced decline in that happened was back to its original baseline level for awhile and then depending on whether or not you will get along very well. It will either. You know stay the baseline level or dip way below that right so one of the key factors in a happy relationship is courses too happy independent like independently.

00:45:03 - 00:50:01

Happy individuals that's critical. The other thing is that it's relationships where each partner sees the other in really positive light so they generally see positive lucien. They see their partner. Each of them sees the other in a way. That is better than that person's five best friends right of light and so it's interesting so entertaining this positive Illusion for them. It's reality entertaining. Ha's pollution about the other is extraordinarily helpful in you. Having happened to the ship. Oh senso interesting. That is very interesting. Support for dateable is brought to you by in scipio in scipio offers legendary protection. For all of your devices from phones to airports tablets they obsess over there tech to protect yours. It's like incipient. Line of products was made for me because with their phone cases. My phone is protected from drops as high as fourteen feet. The cases are also wireless charging compatible and a lifetime warranty. So they've got you covered. I have the organic court clear case which is made up of one hundred percent compostable materials that reduces landfill waste. I naturally reentering environment from where it started. All the packaging is made out of one hundred percent. Recyclable materials with eco friendly water based ink for dateable listeners. Only we have a special offer. These incredible cases are now available for purchase at in scipio dot com. And you can use the code dateable for twenty percent off. That's i n. C. p. o. Dot com and use the code dat e. l. e. for twenty percent off. Have you ever thought about how much better dating would be if you had a whole army of people supporting you. Along the way we know that eating can be frustrating and lowly but it can also feel fulfilling and fun. Have you recently decided you wanna make some changes to your love life. Maybe you've recently reenter the dating scene. Maybe you've gone on one. Many dates that went nowhere. Or maybe you're just ready to take your current relationships to the next level. That is exactly why we created the sounding board a true extension of our podcast that delivers a personalized experience which includes monthly office hours. Where you can drop in and chat with us about anything weekly sound off with guided discussions and regular virtual happy hours. Allow julia night to become your dating sherpas to provide real time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can all navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable podcasts dot com slash sounding board again. That's dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. Okay let's hold that thought as we go into a few messages and for all the people who are not in relationships in those early stages of dating and as you know rob you're also dating out what what are some ways. People can stay present and not let these bad actors destroy their happiness. You know the ghosting bread crummy writing back. How how can people still stay grounded in their happiness during early dating number one prioritize happened is above everything and everybody else just realize that happiness mitts your life better in all ways first of all like happy. People make more money than unhappy people. Six hundred seven hundred thousand ours. More on average over the course of entire lifetime is mentioned before they get married earlier. Statement longer are in other words what healthier than the sixty seven years longer so just practicing. Happiness is a chicote to master code to experiencing successful outcomes particularly relationships as Number two that is also taking responsibility for your own happiness. Not outsourcing it to other people or things like cut out all the middlemen in women in realizing recognize that nobody can make nothing can make you feel anything without your own consent right in so take your power back That's number two number threes than to make sure that you're focusing on enjoyment. No matter where you are who you're with make the best of it you know. Make a decision to make the best of it and as hard as it is and we know they choose bad or undesirable personal circumstances. Do what you can to still make the most of it so one way to say that is going to be more and more present right if you can learn to be more present and learn to make this moment matter i enjoying it debris as humanly possible. You'd be surprised how much better everything else goes. So we have data out there that just hate the gaps. They despise these bad but the spies the data processed. There was a one person in our community that posted this article about how it's not being single. That's hard it's dating. That's hard but ultimately allow the people want to find their person at some point. How do you 'cause i know you mentioned earlier. Like part of happiness doing things that make you happy. How do you navigate this. If you fundamentally aren't enjoying the process yes. I would strongly encourage you not to do anything. That's not fun or that. You can't make fun or you can at least except in a neutral way.

00:50:01 - 00:55:06

That's number one most unhappy journeys don't end happily unfortunate scientists aid so i would not encourage you to continue dating apps. You absolutely hate them. You're gonna pollute the entire space in all of your dates with that negative energy rights number. One i would say. I'm your second look for those Places that you can both enjoy life and also enjoy people like if you can't enjoy people how can possibly enjoy dating or romantic experience with other people. You really wanna practice enjoying moments. Enjoying people as much as possible without an expectation of where it's gonna lead some time in the future right so that can be a little challenging. I know but the whole idea here is kind of like. If you don't enjoy your own company how the heck can i how the heck else it's like. You have to be able to learn how to enjoy your own alone Company in order to enjoy togetherness of the company can enjoy the wrong. You can ask anybody else to do what you do yourself. So were you saying lovey-dovey temperate correctly like if your bitch about dating apps or whatever it is it's usually deeper than that. It's usually something within yourself yet. Possibly i would say i would say that. The dating apps can be really problematic. You can feel like he's quizzes. Issue liquor just collecting people can feel like barry in all of that. So i'd say it's a lovely experience for you. Don't use the dating apps. Meet people in person stole thing. I meet people people in people. I want to date all the time even even now where we are time things going on with over. It's pretty incredible. How much people enjoy what to meet each other right. So i take china to do anything you hate. I would say then if you no matter what it is you do. Try your best to enjoy it. I think what helps me to enjoy things more and more is remember not gonna live forever like it's very short life right. I don't know how short it is. I might not have another moment. Have another hour so. I don't want to continue postponing fascinating on this. Love thing in this happiness thing until just the right person Right just the right way does just the right thing is just the right thing to be doesn't make any sense right so i would say the a little less patient and do your best to make now matter there. Is this other argument. That happiness is only felt when you've experienced the opposite People who feel like. Oh i when i go through sadness. I can really appreciate the happiness. What is your opinion about that. Is that something that we should take as the truth so it is true that contrast you make life really beautiful this hour that makes this week that much sweeter and so there's no question about that and also is recalled. Duality rates world. We live in this. Duality it's like. How do we know off without on. Do we know blacking out white. It was kind of difficult to know these things or happy's experiences that being said happening i'm talking about is really non-durable experience in so anything that you receive or sense or think the mind is going to always be full of these opposites this initiation. It's great and it's beautiful. Enjoy all question about it. Didn't happen is again is different from pleasure. Which always about ounce. I pay and is even not. I wouldn't call it the opposite of happy have some talking about is something that is it has no opposite the very ground you're being raised. Some people might even revert to as gutter. Cautious is its alpha awareness itself again just words but you're absolutely right in the sense that tough things to make good things that much better and then versity could plan incredibly important role around lines because it helps us appreciate appreciate before or as much before It's yes you'll definitely want to do what you can to appreciate university in contrast life but also please try to explore the idea. Really this experience it happens is something that transcends duality. Something that exists ground be fascinating fascinates. I feel like you. And i are real big proponents of mindset. Like kind of what you were just saying around you know. How do you start to see things in a different way. And i guess by question for you is do you think. That's the key to finding happiness or do you think there's other tools and techniques that you've used along the way yeah there's so many tools I mean there's somebody exercises. I would say they kind of fall into like mike. Esther four buckets. I'm sure we could break it down in two thousand buckets. But i would say the one is just basically For tools at your disposal like actions that you take over the united happier actions okay. Sometimes you can't always tell it to happen. You're actually is until you play it all now drinking a lot of alcohol all the time. It's like a great idea. You have to hang get under the activity that there's duality with that the there's lots of right so happy activities actions but then there's happy people are loving people supportive people like you said.

00:55:06 - 01:00:01

Happy might recall that so. That's all about telling a better feeling story based in truth about everything in your life so it's like if you have zero dollars giving count are you broke or is there only up from here right right running outside. Is it a bad day or is it simply raining right. It'll be right so mine to absolute now that being said that will take you but so far to the very edge right where you can sort of begin to die. Always happy so the thing. I discovered about a positive thinking. Even the most positive thinking will not give you a perfectly positive life sooner this contrast right end if you notice under neath most positive thinking. They're still this. Level of anxiety is low level. Exactly which rate so. It's kinda like still. It's better native thinking way better but it's still not quite hit. You sort of take the sleep. And this is where we get expressions like the piece passive understanding writing or the tunnel sunshine of the spotless. Mind right speaking to this. Happiness is a state of mind as state of no saw Meditation comes in very handy practice the presence or always other terms people use but there is a happiness that can begin with happy activities in the actions in the lead people also lead happy mindsets but then there's another step that you to take is beyond might so baby steps firms. Open that door or just push it a little bed and then eventually it will fully open exactly exactly what you'll notice. Is that that final step right before you fall asleep at night right. It's like you're so tired you don't move your body you're so tired. Many thoughts One moment rape free is so blissful. No thought you're not thinking anything. You're not doing anything just so comfortable in your comfort and your clothes in all and you're not really You're sleeping and then not for eight hours would be dream a little bit. You refreshed in the morning ending besides that dreaming part most dream asleep is nothing but no thought so blissful right so we all have spirits. We were more familiar with that history than we are anything else. But our mind will convince us otherwise. i guess the only kind of counter i'd have to that is sometimes when you're doing nothing is that always the best state either. Run out. i'm not taking any action. Is that a good thing right. So here's the beautiful thing. I love back point mic. So we sometimes think of being is opposite from doing so. It's like just do nothing we think of. It is the opposite of doing something. But i would argue that. There's a way of being that includes doing right. So it's like it's like the runner who can run superfast but inside in their mind in their heart perfectly still. There's a relaxed miss about the toward the ease up that flows State it's possible to be totally ease within your own skin totally east with the world on the inside and not to be lawson discursive Obsessive compulsive over Into just be on the inside when you take massive action on the outside but your happiness doesn't depend on the mac message actually a doesn't depend on the result of massive action. Take his. you're still always resting Is what we call resting in god right. Reading presents is taking action. Sure why not. But it's not being lost in the action. It's like being in the storm not letting the storm in you. You have this quote on instagram. Agai- that you don't have to seek happiness you just have to stop seeking unhappiness. Night loved that so much. I'd love for you to dive deeper in. But i think when i think of that quote is i think of people that are chasing situation. Ships for instance that. It's clear that stop. Forgive have happy this yet. They stick around. Or they're in a noticeably bad relationship. Why do you think one people do this. And how can they stop. Seek happiness. So ray question. I mean first visas in the brian. The brain beautiful harm solving instrument is also a troublemaker The brains built with of dozens of biases and one of the major bias is activity bias. Which means that. The brain operates the way that essentially of a shift. Its job is to look for problems to solve in dangerous to avoid to keep you alive so the brains vote for survival not necessarily happiness although desert In so what that means is that the problem always guitar attention in so while. We think i'm not going to be happy later. We've actually just identified a problem now like we're lacking this thing. It's more money. Maybe it's a partner midge. Relationship with the brain has his navy devices. So we're always up against this beautiful brain that love solving problems but also loves creating problems much as solving right. So that's kinda likes idea when when all you have is a hammer.

01:00:01 - 01:05:04

Everything in the l. a. when all you have is bringing problem to be solved so naturally the name crux of what awfully discount Happiness and if you look at the rest of nature i mean. Most of nature is perfectly blissful like only problem out of their own existence. Even think about like only to kill to kill because it's coming from this happening Most animals in in kingdom the the eat they don't file survi- rape or whatever so notice the ways in which yes Civilized beings also right. You also create a problem out of our own existence law that is just we love to bring us all the also. The problem with a lot of daters is that we think we know we're looking for and we think we know how to gauge of someone's a good partner so even thinking about the traditional way of setting a barometer. You know how you would evaluate. Someone's a partner of people always say. Does he make you happy. Does she make you happy. And i think that is the wrong way of thinking about it. 'cause no person can ever make you happy but i would ask. Does this person take away from your happiness. So that's so good. So poignant profound it's exactly right you know it's like are they supporting you and your happiness ryan The great question taking away from me right. You feel drained experience where it's like you love someone very much and you feel such relief when they're not around right it's like yes this person but they feel stressed in inches around in the much relief when they're not around so that's also designed but yeah. I love that. I love exactly. Yeah i mean. I definitely think happiness needs to come from within one hundred percent but i do think being in a happy healthy relationship a sword. Happy but in a healthy relationship can make you happy. I feel it like i guess. Is there a counter of that like why. I guess we're really saying that released ships don't make you happy. Why are we all chasing them. Yeah so so. I'll say this love the point. You're making you know relationships matter. There's religious matter and we look at the science. We know that relationships matter owes more than anything else in terms of happiness the difficulty in the challenge in the misperception that we often have. Is that social connection that you ultimately to feel has to come or should calm or comes through romantic relationship. Any i would say that friendship is one of the highest forms of religion in my mind. The kindness highness relented kind is. Kindness is the highest kind of love for my perspective. And if you think it only comes through or mostly comes through has to exclusively come through our partner. You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of challenges because it's like hoping that this one person will be this one stop shop for all your psychological motions. Your joel needs and that's a lot back. It's it's yeah. It's impossible for anyone else to do that for us. We get even. We haven't even done that for ourselves right. It's like most of us are asking others to do for us. We hadn't been through fri- south which is fully unconditionally. Love us the comedy. Have you met fully unconditionally loving fooling known themselves and yet we're asking stranger whom we haven't met yet do not just today but forever. I love it. And i want you to experience all of that. All of these automatic. That's our desire. But if i was placing bets i wouldn't put my money on that. Well julia also have some thoughts about what you said. Because i've been thinking about this too is chicken or the egg. But i don't actually think it is chicken or the. I think we've been thinking about this backwards. When we've been in healthy relationships we attributed to our partner and our relationship win if we really think about the root of it is because you are happy to begin with right therefore you you're able to recognize as a healthy relationship. I know i've been in relationships where i was not at state of happiness and i couldn't recognize that it was a good relationship. I wasn't accepting of it. So i think we're just. We tend to put so much pressure and i guess credit to relationships that we forgot that we are the instigator for holiday right. I love that. So it's like yeah like obviously the person has to be a good partner contribute. They can't take away from it but the reason you probably attracted that person the first place is because you are to play exactly on beautifully said anything about two. It's a great point and think about this. That say that any of us were in a very happy relationship. And i would argue because we were happy ourselves with ease. It's easier to track somebody. You know happy. We're happy happiness less company right but also you don't think about why or how that relationship didn't last. Why would that ship. That was so happy. Why would it not lasted this. Other person was the source of our happiness makes no sense. Did they just decided to provide the happiness that we are often after or something else or more going on there right and so. That's you know questions on the answer. The answer is that are not the source of your happiness.

01:05:04 - 01:10:07

I would say that most people are are are trying hard but most of kinda suck at being happy and we and we certainly suck and making other people happy. We tried hard. But we just don't always know whether itches gonna tell you know not just that most of us are wide for self interest which is our thank god that lets off the look. Let's them off. We wanna be wide self interest because it means that we can just take ourselves in our undented overflow money or time or energy you whatever we can share it with other people. So we're just not wired to be anybody else's keeper in that specific way from roy ablation What if you're not happy place. Is it better to postpone dating and work on yourself or is it better to meet someone. Continuously do the work. I feel like we hear a lot of times. Like you need to work on yourself but then you can also get into that endless cycle where you're never gonna freight. Yeah so i would say is Kind of sometime. Say you'll never go to the grocery store when you're hungry is your only basically by in collect junk food junk food right. Yup never go to the dating pool where you're unhappy right like Generally also end up Junk experiences relations now jonathan. Some of us just feel like we have another option over. Were so into it. We just have to do no matter in this and that's perfectly fine tube because problems you'll have enough experiences that you gather enough data points that will eventually lead you back to yourself but i would say in argue. Try not to go to the dating pool when you're unhappy and instead you really wanna make is happiness in priority almost career not let something get paid for the meaning if you wanted to be the most important in your life because the only reason you want to date is because you wanna feel better for having gated for having been enriched in for having a party ultimately after happiness like no matter. What you want to accomplish acquire achieve. You only want it because you think you'll feel better better foods we call happiness so senior rounding through all these different people places and things. Just try to learn to go directly to the source for and i promise you can give this one thing which feel so hard in the beginning. It will make everything else easy. In the end everything else will become easier in will easier and make money will become easier. Saving money will become easier seeing come easier all becomes easier to tackle the real thing. You're actor in the real thing you want. I but most of us don't do that with with the crop for the horse and then we're no hundred ten years old and look at lives happily yet so well said what about thinking of like baby types. I wasn't as happy at like attracted certain things. I've leaky of kind of the up and down relationship. Yes the ones that have extreme highs extreme lows maybe the ones that you break up and you get back together you break up that that should storm all have can like do you think that is a form of happiness. When you're at extreme high or is that just inevitably setup for yet unhappiness not necessarily not a great sign off so much fun to exciting but Sounds a little like emotional distribution on the part of both people rights to folks that you may not learned or taught how emotional breakdown themselves right. So they don't sell soothing so with that means is the sickest pinball all affect excited when you're sat saddam sat and just kind of goes to art thousand different directions so no that feels a little bit emotionally disordered to me. That doesn't mean that your relationship shouldn't have lots of highs. Generally speaking i'd sit. That's almost always a sign that things are a little less peaceful anymore. What about a less extreme version of that. Let's pair it down to. Let's say early stages of dating you meet. Someone think it's going pretty well. You're not getting the butterflies. We hear this a lot in her group. I don't feel butterflies around this person. I'm not super excited. Like i was with a previous person in your personal opinion. Which one should we go after the one that feels steady and calm or the one that gives you butterflies so i will say that in such a great question and i cannot even pretend to have any answer on that i would say it would take say i love the idea of both. I love the idea of a feeling the butterflies but still feeling really safe in the presence else. Where no yeah. We're like your self esteem. That doesn't feel like it's at stake. All the time you will be is like it's at stake in the person doesn't make you feel like going to just walk away at any point in time. Know it's a more commitment there in terms of like caring about your psychological emotional spiritual wealthy anything right necrophilic piece the butterflies. You're excited to see them. But so often butterflies. You'll can be attracted to subtraction in part of the chemistry rights. And there's that doesn't look it has anything to do with attractions water chemistry with his personality necessarily so attractive or vice versa attractive.

01:10:07 - 01:15:01

There's no chemistry there with a third piece of this which is a little bit more is concerning which is like So sometimes the reason we feel the things we feel because they consciously obviously we might as our parents Challenges with a particular kind of child with and so sometimes we mistake feeling butterflies for familiarity in so much of what happens in relationships. Is that without knowing it like. We're trying to heal things happen in our challenge with our parents. I know right sometimes the very person that he's not with yes is the least Rob i heard this theory that the people who give you butterflies resemble your parents the most that is the most sick sick theory of learning. I believe it. I think sensible got familiarity. It's pretty fucked up note. Is you very freudian argue. That doesn't have to be. Everyone would say that the more work you've done to heal whatever unhealed stuff you've experienced the past like more work. You've done the more often. You can be that when the butterflies. It's not about that. Red sox righty more. So that's the question if you haven't done any work at all that yeah probably really strong. Sign that there's some associated with your parents and you probably need to look into that a little bit as you can't enjoy it but joins us please don't always go well Side left us. Like let's not chase things that make us unhappy but what about those times that inevitably do. Let's say you break up with a partner or you're really excited about someone that ghosted you. It's almost natural to feel unhappy. Are there ways that you can kinda get out of fat in start to get happy again. Like what are some tactics for those situations absolutely. Yes so first. Part is to accept a notch. What you feel into feel you feel all the way through so lots of try to run from feeling or deny what we're feeling and that doesn't work cancer Continues to grow under your nose so instead you wanna feel your feeling you feeling grief for your morning you're sadder george knows what you're feeling but instead of feeding what you're feeling with thoughts with rumination self particularly is what most of us do. We think there were processing but were just self ruminating or digging. But we're really self rating that suffering nation that sort of discourse talk is just feeding in fueling. The very pain that you're experiencing into lasts longer than normally would is instead of going to the brain to body. Where do i feel this sadness. Zainy is overwhelmed disappointments loneliness where i felt my party in fiordland place in your body and then thought occurs or services you notice the thought without judgment. Go back to the body and if you want you can make. This is what meditation doesn't Using that too often people get scared away but the idea is just north of what you feel and what you think out feeding it about judging it just bean with it right and it doesn't mean you can also swiffer can also do your work right as me that you can totally stopped living. It just means you'll spend a little time nursing what you're feeling and allow yourself to feel what you feel at promise. It'll feed it. I continued to think about or reliving it or free livia. Which is what some of us do. Like this thing happened in nominate relive it over and over and over again retraumatize. Myself a thousand times or pre limited retraumatize myself a thousand times afraid of the future. You don't do that. You'd be surprised at how quickly negative unhealthy unhappy thoughts and emotions. Start leaving you alone. that's great that's a really great tip. And i was gonna ask you for another tip if we're doing like a quick start guide to Reconnecting to your happiness. What is something that our listeners can do today. Something simple to start opening that door. So i would say maybe four or five rick be oh is our number one. Is his his islands. Realist trying to do more of schedule more. What's happening is in july thing legal respectively that uplift inspire. Your jackson were to happiness. Desert's identified those people places activities and things that drain. You do everything you can to get this off your plate. That means outsource stem delegate reduce them eliminate automate or regulate them in other words. Find a way to get them off to play. If you can't next is really looking to your life in this part of the first activity beclere those people who drain you you want to do it. You can't spend less time with them or at least you know shorter periods of time. Maybe more frequently but shorter conversation. Shorter interactions More time with the people that uplift you are. You support you. Purchased next thing is start telling better stories about everything in everybody your life starting with yourself no matter better feeling but truthful stories so talk about little bit like it gives you.

01:15:01 - 01:20:02

Your daughter broke off from here right. Hung s the idea. Next i would say is in particularly show with self love but the best thing you can do is keep itself up journal so every day. Just begin to bullet out two or three things or more that you like appreciate about yourself. He'd be anything just has to be truthful and charge you that. Every day. the the amish in terms of like the no thought thinks. I think that's where people get. The most is when i call micro meditation so micro. Meditation is just one breath. So i don't know if you've ever been to a meditation class but it can feel jerus- knowing like yes if you've done it's like you wanna do but my communication is one breath and i discovered i could always do breath and in the one breath. All you're doing. It should pretending like this moment no matter where you are. Which do you with is the last moment half on the planet in your life however to really be sincere about. This could be the last one. Why i'm going to milk or juice is one breath for as much joys. Impossible to get out of it. All my thoughts go under bridge miss stomach through the nose from stomach on my thoughts go into true enjoy. It never enjoyed a breath before rights you want to do. That is off your remember throughout the day no matter what else. You're doing that. One activity exercise recommendations. Probably more helpful to me than almost anything else. I've done when i think it's to allow that's so powerful. I just did it. I i love brett work but i love the context you put around like get your last breath on earth so you better fucking do right okay. Well this is a great segue takeaways. There's so many things to unpack here. I think the first one. I think we've come to the consensus. That romantic relationships are not the key to happiness. It is from within that being said though i think human connection is essential in life like i think humans are meant to connect with other people and i think loneliness can be a major reason for unhappiness so while i think the emphasis might not always have to be on romantic relationships having relationships in your life is still very very important and that is a way that you can you know connect with others but it never be at the detriment of connected with yourself love. I think my other takeaway. Is this better feeling story. I love that we always say positive. Mindset shift. I like that too but i feel like sometimes feels a little intimidating and i think at the crux event were saying. The same thing is better feeling story. It's how can i spin it. That i see the good in the situation like when we talk about dating apps for instance you can say well people flake on me all the time or you could say i could meet someone i never met before or i would have no access to move their true stories. Reduc did not event people flake all the time. But what is it really serving you to fix it on that story versus the other true story that you could find a great connection here so i think rewiring it from that and i think that that terminology i love it so much because like you said it's it's true and when you believe it then you'll start to see it's true but it is true it's not like a false choosing to find the more positive part of what's going on in your life so yes it's so magical to think about. This case is very similar to my takeaway. Julius there's a dotted line between allusion to reality and you said this earlier rob is what could be seem like an illusion. If you believe it it is your reality. And i think telling yourself these better stories about your life your your own self love. Well turn that illusion into a reality. I really believe the happiness is our default setting and nobody can take away from us. Only yourself so i think we need to have a little accountability with our own happiness. That nobody else is causing our happiness or unhappiness except for yourself and because of that we just got a scratch a little bit more to find that happiness that's there it's like the first layer of our skin or whatever whatever they call it in the skincare commercials psych disgust visit. It's there you've always had it instead of delaying it into the future that you talked about earlier. It's don't postponed happiness. Don't give your future self so much measure to make your current self happy because that's not gonna happen. It is forever accessible to you and tap into it whenever you want to embarrass some great tactics at rob told us about to tap into the happiness. You're good now our first rodeo know. You're obviously the happiness expert here but as there any party advice or words of wisdom that you would like to leave ireland star I just keep it simple tatum. you know. Think less live more than glass. Join martha class love more. You know you don't have to wait for a lover to love learned to love you.

01:20:02 - 01:24:03

Love the cashier. You know you can love from year you can let the kitten. You cannot the tree like love. The sunset like you know love. Don't wait to law. Don't procrastinate hesitate. Don't postpone like love now live now joy now. I love that so much. We always say to people that. Are you know searching for love. it's you have love. You've been in relationships before. I even if you haven't been in a ton of romantic relationships you have a family. You have friends. Those are all relationships so everyone is capable of love and relationships. Whether you're in a relationship. Romantic relationship are not so good. I love that beautifully said thousand percent. I'm going to go and make my happiness island and happy devitt now. I love it do that with my partner and have any overlapping islands and desserts. And then we're gonna get to action on how to deal with all of that and create more happiness for ourselves. Thank you so much rob for being on our show. If people want to get to know you a little better and learn about your services. Where can they find you for sure. you find happens from the inside out and love me inside out. Soon at barnes and noble and amazon morale's great books are sold in. Find me my website at coach. Rob mcafee c. k. dot com and. You can also find me on most also media platforms probably most insistently instagram rob. Mac mri official awesome. Wendy's your next book come out with ended this year. that's okay rosman. should be december. Yeah awesome awesome very exciting. Well definitely promoted to our community as well. I'm sure they to read that so appreciate you all truly appreciate so far listeners. There is a source of happiness for us switches Apple podcast reviews. W even though happiness is a default said a. We are happier when you leave five stars and give us a nice sentence or two about why you love us. It absolutely increases our happiness meter just saying you are. You are responsible for our podcast. Happiness will just put that on the table. You'd be getting so creative with the lately. I just love the every time. If you're part of the podcast i'll leave it at that. But it does make us happier and on that note we will be wrapping up this episode along the dateable. Podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more podcasts. You'll love at frolic dot media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation. I follow us on instagram facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcast tag as an any post with a hashtag. Stay dateable and trusts us. We look at all those post then. Head over to our website dateable podcasts dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well. As articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts you can also find our premium y series we dissect analyzed and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums also downloadable for free on spotify apple. Podcast google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave reveal and most importantly remember to stay dateable if you love hosting over the holidays swap out your old age filter with a filled treat air filter it can help clear way particles from all your holiday cooking. Look for treat air filters at a retailer near you. Let's clear the air. Tis the season for those irresistible ginger thins cozy blankets for cuddling by the fire making home warm and welcoming for one-stop holiday shopping. Visit your local kia or kia dash. Usa dot com slash holiday.

Hello dateable welcome to another episode of the database. Podcast where we examine. What's happening modern day day. Who's doing what who's doing. Who why are they doing it. That's up so gossipy now. A reality tv series. We're week we dissect the story of one person. This is a copy of reality tv series. Lisa's hooking up with greg. And you're like who are they and i'll just say my neighbors. It's just like random gossip with people you don't even know this is our offshoot. This is our areas are ratings. Are going to be really high but i think are y'all will like this one. This one's evolved astrology are personality tests episode. Did really well. And i think astrology those topics that maybe some people don't wanna that they read their horoscope. And you know. Study this stuff. But i think it's really cool and there's something to be said about the study of astrology. I've definitely gotten sucked into astrology. Take talk where it's like. Only i've ever like someone asking me. What do you see. Take because it's all based off the algorithm of what. You're looking at and embarrassed to admit that i a lot of strategy todd coming out but what i'd like to say is this conversation. We have with christina. I feel like tick-tock astrology is just skimming the surface yet went so much deeper than the bustle articles or the thought catalog articles of. I'll look at of. What is your side who are compatible with so. I'm glad that we dug deeper. Because i don't know i think some of that's like guilty. Pleasure sometimes comforting to read it. But i always was like. How much weight do i give this. But i feel like she just went layers. Deep of this episode it's astounding to realize that there is a whole other world of astrology that we don't even know about and you can devote your entire lifetime to learning more and more about it. It's the stars as a universe however is related and connected so it makes sense so many layers chew astrology. Well i think one of the things we talk about the cheap brought up was the different seasons. So obviously your birth chart how it affects you but there is also the underlying you know as we go into different months of the calendar year everyone for instance in libra season right now and she was saying that it allowed her to have conversations because every season kinda represents different change that's happening in pieces of reflection point and she was able to have conversations partner then have reflections on her own based on the season so we are coming off of lebron's season. I didn't even know this until we just look this up right now. We're give lever season and for anyone. That's curious leaper. Season is teaching you how to find belonging this is the meaning of what lebron's season represents basically cuts libra season is teaching you how to find belonging with others while keeping the balance between connection in tawny remember. You're not everyone's caretaker. You're responsible only yourself being a space of compassion with boundaries seeking give from your overflow. It's basically saying it's not selfish to put yourself first sometimes and you actually can give more if you honored yourself inhabit care. I feel like some people really need to be hearing us right now. So you're welcome for us. Bring to your attention. You're not other people's caregiver and you are not responsible for other people. You're only responsible for yourself. And i know a lot of people who have the hero complex. Who see people as projects when it comes to dating and say they wanna fix someone. I've also heard this phrase of you know this notion of if only this person could see how great i am for them. They'll appreciate all. I've done for them if others are not aligned with your values and what you're looking for. They're never going to appreciate what you're giving to them. So i think this what you're reading to me is. Sometimes you gotta give a little bit less and use that surplus for yourself as well so you got to love yourself before you can love others. I think i struggled with this for a long time. Because i think i am kind of a natural caretaker of a cancer so we talk about that in this episode in great detail but i think there is this notion that sometimes putting your needs ahead of others selfish.

00:05:13 - 00:10:00

Yeah especially like you know if someone is in the best place for instance and it's taken me a long time to realize that it's not selfish and it actually allows you to be a better partner and you know maintain your own happiness which can really only come from within as you and i just got off of a spoiler alert for next week. A happiness expert. So i think it's this reframing that this is selfish but it's really a way the you actually can give more to people and when you give so much it inevitably builds up resentment because then you feel like it's unequal. You feel like you're you're partners constantly taking. Why haven't they stepped up. When you haven't communicated that you're just the one giving and giving so it. Maybe it's like a season to pause And of reframe and give yourself a little bit more. You have to do this quickly because we're actually coming out of so you gotta we've given you all ever flex six hours to go. But we are actually headed to scorpio season So scorpio season. His as the zodiac fixed waterside scorpio season is serving emotional intensity raw thrills in deep transformations slow. It's important to embrace the influx of emotional real mess even if it's scary because if you don't it's likely to come out be passive aggressiveness. Jealousy power struggles or obsessions. So it's really all about coming to terms with emotions that are happening for you. Wow okay so you're gonna start feeling things that me somewhere to. It's like the season of transformation of some change of some chefs. Which actually kinda makes sense that you know. Were going into click closer to the holiday season. Here jato yup. There's going to be a lot of reflection time changing of the seasons changing of the year. I think we will be a- probably diving into ourselves a little deeper in this season so that you're right that does make a lot of sense so for anybody who is dating during cuffing season because we are also initially in cuffing season. Maybe it's also a good time to not fill up your calendar with too many days take the moments to reflect and reconnect with yourself and get in a good place before you get yourself out there again or not But i think it makes sense. We're coming off a season where you should place a focus back on yourself and then going into another season where it's let's use that reflection for good. I do like this notion of the seasons. Like i'll admit this isn't something that i've really paid much attention to until now and i think that's been struggling to get the words out of what these mean but i like it because it means that nothing's forever that everything is just a season exactly that and i think sometimes when things aren't going our way it's easy to feel like it's gonna be forever but to remember that it's just a moment in time it will pass and things will change and it doesn't mean that if you are a super half he that next season's going to be horrible but it means that like life is just evolving inconsistently different seasons. Yes yes nothing's permanent and it's a like an old gives me a little bit anxiety but also i'm rest assured that things never stay the way they are forever so yeah it's it's good to know their season. There are seeds so many seasons. And there's a reason for that of their season today too. So it's a your horoscopes. He's really wanted to go through a horse. I really wanna go the horoscopes. I read them on a daily basis. I will admit i go through l. uk because. I was told by a friend that they have the most accurate or scopes. I don't know what that is. But here's yours julia curb your enabling tendencies. Today a needy loved one may attempt to strong arm. You into prioritizing there needs over your own. Wow this all very much related but a less. This is truly a crisis. Don't allow your boundaries to be crossed if you feel like you're constantly bailing. Someone out encouraged them to foster a sense of independence Wait them to resources. That will empower them to solve their own problems instead constantly. Leaning on you. Wow i think actually is pretty accurate. If i i think the what about horse go we go into that. With our guests cristina dot was not a fan of horoscopes. Because she's like. I'm not a fan but i do think okay like yes the uae. She was the fed is that they're very general and people will find what works for them in them yet.

00:10:00 - 00:15:01

But i do think i am the type of person that wants to fix things a lot of times and i think i also. I've learned that. I need to like relinquish control in relationships and just everything and i think that's what sometimes we actually diving into this and are finding your person program. I think a lot of people struggle with control and that's one of the reasons that data could be so hard because you're almost like need to relinquish that control and you need to trust that that other person's gonna step up and do the things that they say they're gonna do and i think like all of that does tie into what you just said is that i need to just trust that. Someone's got it you know. I don't need to be the person that's always there in doing. All things like people are capable human beings. He has the feel freeing to know that. Yeah i think so. I think so. 'cause it's like what do you think about it. I think a lot of times. We think we can help. And we can do it. And i think that's the benefit of relationships connections and this is romantic relationships as friendship. This is every type of relationship the benefit is that you do have that person to lean on right to talk to but i think it really has to come from within any ways in. I always need to remember that like all. The people are even. If i wasn't there they get through it yeah. I think about the volleyball analogy. You can't get someone despite the ball but you can set. Set up the ball for them. To speak in is the same thing. You can't do everything for other people because they don't think like you but you can certainly empower them to find a way to give them that love and support and that's ultimately that's the benefit that you're providing the the only benefit you can't go through the motions for someone so true so true that's great. Well that's a pretty good horoscope. Here's mine try. A little tact. Aquarius dying well. You may have a salient critique. That would help someone out of their current situation beat diplomatic when it comes to your delivery overly candidate statements come across his harsh today as powerful. Pluto butts heads with fiery mars. Don't limit your assessment to the things that aren't working incorporate more positive praise into the mix gonna deliver like a blood statement to be like tomorrow. No i i know exactly what. We're the supplies you. Oh it's work it's work. I am very direct with my communication and in chinese it translates to junior. Like people would describe your very jer. It means direct. Even that word sounds very direct. And i understand that some people. Don't take that as paul and it could come off Not very friendly. Sometimes when i just want to communicate how something can be better but there are different ways to deliver that news. Actually my partner has the same thing to me. He thinks i'm very direct. And i need to soften my approach. So yes i. Will you know what. I'm going to put some cushions around my words today there. We go okay. So i think the beauty of horoscopes is though you can find within it. What applies to your personal situation yet. And i think yeah it might. It shouldn't be the ruler of how life is gonna go. We talk about this the episode. But i had these like very black and white article. That was like these. Four signs are going to end their relationship by october. Fifteenth at at feels so aggressive to be. I think what's nice about. Astrology is the point of reflection. Yes and with all of these like the personality test the scheme tests to i think it gives you a different perspective about who you are and maybe we should read them as starting with the word may be you know instead of like. This is definitive. I think we should take horoscopes as a decision maker for us but maybe it does open up another door for us to think about something a little bit differently right. And i think we've heard this too on especially schema is because it is you know the autzen beliefs that up. You'd like they're selling wrong with me. Because i have them and there isn't anything wrong. There's no like horoscope. There's schema that's better or worse than another. They're just different in. The idea is that there might be supposed with whatever that is and there may be some areas. We want negative areas to be aware of two hours gone. There's you're not seeing any of those areas to work on. How can you grow as a human so. I don't think people need to take them as like. There's something flawed with me. Because i have everyone has something. There is a sign for everyone. There's not like one month that doesn't have one right. no that's capricorn. People agree capricorn are going to be alone forever. No just kidding. I think it's because of the of data the past like now bad record just cried right now please.

00:15:01 - 00:20:04

Don't cry. please. Listen to the rest of this episode. But i do wanna get to our question because again. It is related to this. This person wrote in and said hi dateable girls that voice to visualize person so this person. I love taking tests. I've done the personality tas scheme of status. I also love reading your horoscopes and recently discovered that my partner and i are not compatible by any of these. However i do feel satisfied in this relationship so should i really take these incompatibilities as red flags or should i just say. Give them the middle finger. Yeah well you know. We also talk about this in this episode. You can't say that these tests are going to help you make decisions. That that's not what they're used for. They may shed some light on some conflicts. He may have experience. I think is really harsh to say. You're not compatible. How can any test judge if two people are compatible or not so you can throw the middle finger to that but take tests as a way to glean this other perspective of what may be going right in your relationship and what could use a little bit of work yes. I think we need to remember that. People are diabetic. We had frank. Was our resident myers briggs experts that we had an and he actually strongly advised. Do not put your results in your profile because people will make blanket statements and i think a quiz is good because it helps you understand yourself better. But it's also a generalization. Yeah and i think to hold someone accountable of oh baby. Were not compatible from a generalization. I don't know if that's really the thing that should be telling you. If they're compatible enough. I think trust your instinct is probably gonna hold a little boy because you know this person. They are not whatever. They're like four letters like emt p that does not describe them or that there are cancer. Whatever it may be like. I think yeah i think you the take them at face value in not make this more in distinguishing point to break up with somewhat because to pat ability. Can you imagine that break-up conversation. I'm breaking up with you because our signs are not compatible. Sia okay that's gonna go over really well but even in this conversation that you're all about to hear julian. I are not compatible with our partners according to the compatibility chart because we have neighboring signs with our partners and here we are so christina. Also says that she's also dot combat both her ed. That's on the sun sign. And she goes into that. There are so many more ways to measure compatibility beyond just kind of the surface level. That's what's on the cosmo quizzes. Is you know. I think that's another thing to do him. Whoever wrote this an definitely to this episode it. Maybe it's an opportunity to find compatibility in other dimensions. That aren't necessarily the ones that you looking at. Yes a k. Quick announcements so at dateable podcast. That's the place to follow us. Put up all the clips of our guests. That's always fun to look at. Follow us on youtube. If you wanna see. Our lovely faces are recording arrangements. The facial expressions we make record. Somebody could really thrilling. You're missing out. If you have a you are definitely miss out. So get on that. And then of course love in the time of corona by the dateable podcasts. The facebook group and the sounding board. I'm gonna do a quick. Psa of the sounding board because we had a little confusion here. You do need to go to dateable. Podcasts dot com slash sounding board in sign up. It is a paid subscription. Cancel at any time. it's totally risk-free. But you do need to pay for that because it is more of our premium community where there are hosted events that happen virtual events every week. There's the weekly sound off that are led by our wonderful host team. And then you. And i also do office hours to answer any questions. We've had a lot of people trying to join the facebook group directly without signing up. We'd love to have you. We just need you to sign up so go to dateable podcasts dot com slash sounding board once sign up. We'll let you write in. You can join the fund. What a lovely. Psa doesn't that just make you sign up folks. I just hate said the vestige like hey we ahve you at our system to try to get ahead of it also sharing his carrying. We love it. When you share our podcast with your friends or colleagues or friendly's let's say it's such a great way to start conversations and to even bond over the some of the topics julian.

00:20:04 - 00:25:03

I spend our time discussing the topics even after we record the episodes because some of the mark just so complex that you wanna spend more time talking about it all so sharing sherry lee share our instagram share. Whatever you like Sure your friend or frienemie would also appreciate it. Yeah and that's another. Psa the sounding board. Because i feel like one of the things in the sounding board is the weekly podcast discussion group and a lot of people have really enjoyed those because it does let everyone go a little deeper than just listening. You have that sounding board to cut a bounce off ideas and talk more in depth the revelations you've had for listening all of that around a guided topic for shore cool. Let's get into our quick message from our sponsors. This episode is sponsored by better help. We adaptable are huge. Fans of therapy and better help can match you with your own. Licensed therapist and connect you in a safe and private online environment. Me for example. I was able to start communicating with my therapist in less than forty eight hours. It was so quick now. Better help is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches and it's more affordable than traditional offline counseling. They're licensed professionals specialize in everything from dating trauma stress anxiety trauma with a big t. Depression grief you name it. They have someone who's an expert in that we dateable wish for all of you to live a happy healthy life and that's why it's a listener. You'll get ten percent off your first month by visiting our sponsor at better health dot com slash dateable. Join over one in a million people who have taken charge of their mental health again. That's better help spelled. H. e. l. p. dot com slash d. a. t. e. b. l. Support for dateable is brought to you by in scipio. Scipio offers legendary protection. For all of your devices from phones to airports tablets they obsess over there tech to protect yours. It's like incipient. Line of products was made for me because with their phone cases. My phone is protected from drops as high as fourteen feet. The cases are also wireless charging compatible. And there's a lifetime warranty so they've got you covered. I have the organic court clear case which is made up of one hundred percent compostable materials that reduces landfill waste. I naturally reentering the environment from where it started. All the packaging is made out of one hundred percent. Recyclable materials with eco friendly water based ink. Alfred dateable listeners. Only we have a special offer. These incredible cases are now available for purchase at in scipio dot com. And you can use the code dateable for twenty percent off. That's i n. c. I p. i l. dot com and use the code dat ab l. e. For twenty percent off okay. Let's hear it firm christina all about astrology. What is this astrology. And this is why. We have our guest for this episode. Her name is christina because she is our astrology expert. Julie and i have talked about astrology for a long time. But we're obviously not expos but who is pristina. She's thirty five years old currently in la born and raised there although she did a minor stint in san francisco. She's in a monogamous relationship. Astrologer and writer for astrology. Dot com malcolm l. Thank you so much for having me honor to be here. But here's a definition. I thought this was interesting. I wanna pull up the wicked pedia definition of astrology as a pseudoscience claims two divine information about a human affairs and terrestrial events by studying the movements and relative positions of celestial objects it could also be the study of the influence that distant cosmic usually starts planets. have on human lives so christina. Does that sound pretty in line with what you think astrology as well. I don't know any astrologers that would classify astrology as a science okay. It's not an exact science. I would classify mores like moore's like in are more of a language one ling line one the humanities than this really exact science. It's really such such a lived experience. It must be felt in observed of your body. And it's it sounds so i don't know maybe to some people like howard the planets all the way out there in affect how you are your personality. What goes on in your life. Doesn't feel that out there to me to me that like you know the sun. The sun affections how mars or venus in all these other planetary affect us. So that's my answer to that. Yeah i feel. Like there's a zillion articles out. There of these signs are compatible.

00:25:03 - 00:30:15

Or what is your astrology. Mean your love life so we're really excited to have you here to talk about astrology and dating and relationships because i think a lot of people put a lot of weight on it so we want to debunk. If it's sure dot and how does use it. Yeah i mean. I feel like when i was first into astrology and always enough impact with. I had a crush on her. I would like scope to try to get an idea always and if and if they were on the cusp i would choose the one that was more beneficial for me. We like no no no. They're on the cusp. So more aries today. Well i think that's a really good start to this is let's go into you know like what are the sun signs. You're gonna tell us to go beyond just the sun signs at what are they like. How do we kind of view this yet with compatibility so a hill like with modern popular astrology. What you see in magazines. That's more ubiquitous in our culture is like the sun signs and that's basically just signed. The son was in when you were born and you a lot of wheat into that and yes it's very important aspect of our chart and we are but we are actually all the signs and all of the planets so all of the planets all of the signs affect our lives and our experiences and personalities are upbringing everything in everything in our lives so not just the sun. So that's the first thing that i have to say about placing a lot of weight onto is your sunshine. Compatible license sign old. Were so much more than not because we have an entire charton silly a moment we reform planet was in assign and so these planets are in relationship to another including the sun so it just goes so far beyond like what sign the sun was and so for anybody who may be a little bit new to astrology when we were talking about sun signs were just talking about the sign their astrological sign that that you would read in a horoscope got him yes yeah And not usually relates to. I said the sign that the sun was in when at the moment of your birth but also we have moon signs. We have vena signs. We have lars signs. We have Evenly the outer planets which are indicative of the generation. That were a part of for example. A lot of people have pluto in scorpio because bhutto takes fifteen years to transit assign and so everyone who's born within that time period like close to around you can have the same ludo sign and not just represents the generation and so if you have fluency vio- view are that's i guess another way to think of is like your art of the millennial generation in in south tyrannus. They're a part of the gen z. Generation can go back to people who were born with neo their boomer generation. So you can choose. Hell that kind of influences a part of you but it's not like it influences you subtle personal level. Why do you think there's such an emphasis than on the sun sign and there's all these different ones because that's what you see in everywhere in sure. Yeah i think it's just because it's easy to understand an easy god the sign it represents our ego. Our will our personality our spirit. I'd like to thank our sunshine and it's like our higher self who unlike a spiritual level but a lot of people don't immediately resonate with their sunshine and than they are kind of like okay. Wall astrology is fake so around. You know my brother says this all the time to validly him the king sir. He's like i don't like it sucks. Like i don't like the description cancer. Julia loves a cancer. Ask you definitely want to go through the key characteristics. Because that's like there's i swear. There's a new thought catalog article every day about your your astrology and how that plays into romantic relationships. And i think it kind of the critic might say that you're reading the ones that resonate with you In maybe like not taking the ones that don't what would you say. And how true do you think these are there are. Let's say positive and negative aspects to every sign because we're we're much more than just the good parts of ourselves right. We also have the shadows we also were very multidimensional In so i feel like picking and choosing the parts that resonate and maybe like dismissing the ones that don't is navy dismissing aspect of yourself that you don't really want to see maybe not ready to see the most helpful thing about astrology for me in mind.

00:30:15 - 00:35:02

Journey has been about using it as a tool for self discovery. So it's not just like oh you know on a mojo so you know that would be like just focusing on the good stuff and it's like okay. Well there's also chateaux aspects there is negative aspects to look at you and more. We really accept all these different aspects of ourselves. Compassionately offers more love that we have deeper knee are like closely more intimately our with our sons anything. That's view thing. Yeah i have a technical question for you to learn quickly for people who are on the cusp like me. I'm on the cusp. For everything. I'm the cost of capricorn and aquarius among the cusp of chinese zodiac. Sign of the cock. The rooster and The monkey so i feel like timezone kind kinda plays into it. Because when i was born i was on know who's in beijing and that were in a western time zone. I would have been a day before. How should we read our sides. If we're very much on the cusp and different time zones okay. So i'm just gonna like navy. Unpopular indian hotcakes but hostile to most professional astrologers needed. most astrologers. i know Aren't real the sun is either in one way or another and so on you. I think he might have had like a late. Twenty nine degrees son but the second shift one degree it is now zero degrees yup so very clear their divisions within the zodiac. It's not it's not that ambiguous. So my thing for you. If i would wanna look at your full chart and usually there's other planets that travel really close with the saen and so if you are cancer but you know a lot of you come off as like very leo. Maybe you have venus and leo. Maybe you have mercury nia. So that's why am. I really emphasize looking at the entire church like Were so much more than just some signers other planets that really influence our expression. Pitino sidney think sun signs hold wheat then like is that like the moose sherman edge. Okay absolutely. I think it's a it's like a nice equivalent of the big three. Which is your son. Sign your moon sign which moon represents or warlick on a on the inside and nine closed doors like the really you how you are what your instincts are your subconscious or motions and all of that is formed a very young age so children are actually more their mood. Signs and then eventually kind of developed into some. Oh so you're would you say sunshine's are more socialize. Yeah definitely just to go back. The third one of the big three. The third place is your ascendant and not is very very personal heart of you as well. Because you're sending is essentially a people's first impression of you number one it's described as like war outer But also i like to think of it as your rising into sunday near the coming in this lifetime so that could be diametrically opposed from your son sign national. Why people were like. I don't know ric like okay. Let's let's Bring it into more of a holistic approach and really consider everything so they're the same like signs though like throughout their just knew you would have a different one for your mood and your senate. Y- yes yeah. The ascendant is calculated Disappoint on actually a planet. But this is what i tell people in my readings. Your cendant sign is if i was at the hospital. Slowly location matters. When you're chart. I was at the hospital or in the house. The minute you choke your i read and i was facing the eastern horizon. The constellation that was rising on the eastern horizon is considered your rising sign and so yes so it does sort of math involved in astrology on this like degrees in points and that sign is constantly moving it changes every two and a half hours whereas the sun takes about three days to transit assigns. So that's why. I say it's really personal. Important point in your chart that really marks the beginning of your chart.

00:35:02 - 00:40:03

So that's your senate. Sinus considered your first house and then signs following your second. Your third work. Basically like the slices of the pie dodds makeup the entire zodiac. And that's why. I say we are all signs. All of the signs are somehow express or reflected through us just in different areas of our life. it sounds very much like nia graham. I'm using their different practices. But it the whole point of india graham that you are related to the other personalities as well giuliano your moon sign. I don't know my moon cy out. This is so interesting though like this is like so not talked about right now but we hear people all the time have judged their potential date reinhard sideway. I've ever i had someone like on a day. The gap awhile ago. Being like oh. I'm a leo. you're cancer. We're super compatible. And then i was like wait. I don't think we are admittedly i. Should we just end this now. But i guess my question for you is what are kind of like the. Stereotypes may be with all the signs. Can you kind of walk us through. Lake water like associations. People make or characteristic characterised stereotypes. Let's judgy will start with the first sign which is aries and aries is ruled by mars. Who's the funding of the god of war. So that's why aries. Come come off as very combativeness aggressive or go getters and go after the things that they want like with the quickness very impulsive and so mullah the signs yet their characteristics from a planet one of the seven traditional planets has like a rulership over every science. And this is where. I just want to the people that don't know this out of my. You know your mood. These are all of the associations of the signs are from the planet that rule assigned select ours ares Understand how an aries who they are. You understand the characteristics of mars and remind me again which months are aries. Oh the beginning of spring so it's always airy starts on the spring equinox is usually like march One year march twenty words until like mid april and then so aries. Erie's is like the first breath of air when you're when you're first born areas like straight out the womb like let's go you know they're like full seem ahead at life so my favorite thing about the zodiac is how every sign is different. So like you say. Aries is like a really fast moving sign and then the next sign over is taurus morrison Bulls slowly slow at home. Right like sensual in earthy. Don't rush a torres because tale. It's just not gonna happen. Horses run on their own time. So you know. Areas is a very like outward external kind of energy and then taurus is more like a relaxed in journal. So you kind of see these these differences so are the two compatible or they're opposing. Well i guess. According to sun sign astrology they wouldn't be compatible because they're averse to each other so signs that are next to each other are moves foot do signs. There are two signs away from each other paddle. How inches dang signs that are three signs away from each other. They have their differences. They might be butting heads than they're more supportive so there's just another slovene lake rules and there's just so many things you have to learn When you when you get into geology Early social life lifelong process. So i've dated everyone that's bid a cancer or by car partner is odd. I guess a jabbed. I because he's jeopardized cancer caused but that doesn't exist urged what's sunshine it gemini. Everyone i've dated is bid like knee. Is that like just trying to find myself. The spry would be like. Oh love to know what your venus is because okay is a planet in our chart shows us what we're attracted to the texan partners that we attract where we would attract said burgers When we're talking about relationships. Venus is really the planet that you want to look at. You wanna make sure the audible. Venus signs with the person that you are crushing on. How do we know what our venus sinus. So there's many different ways of your char astro dot com and they'll just generate of free chart for you. My favorite chart tracking app is called time passages.

00:40:03 - 00:45:04

It's a free app but if you wanna get the whole chart for either you or whoever whoever's information that you put in i think it's like ninety nine cents. I literally have like so many of my friends. My old rushes ran. I matt the bar like these are like all. My friends are a family like why. Okay so we left off at taurus. Okay tourists towards sources. Chill or as is you know they move slow. But that's that's kind of the base. And the next is gemini. Gemini geminis more airy wasi shoddy very social. It's very like ruled by mercury and mercury Moving planet in some. This is where you get a characterizations of gemini because mercury is the planet of communication. It's planet of thiede. Information travel many different signification of mercury in so. That's where mark gemini syria types from the very talkative geminis. Aloma love to shot. So i've dated a few geminis like master communicators maniac a little bit manipulative talking about the shadow sides of i'm scared of geminis to put it out there. They can just think just talk their way in and out of every situation and they really like me with our charm and they're curious people in so not like managed to get whatever they want just like. I don't know chatting you up charming. That is very true of all the gentleman is. I know you an inside on the next sign as cancer. Cancer is a little bit more waco internal slower slower moving sign. I guess i'm kind of trying to explain. How zodiac is this really beautiful pattern or cycle of like external energy and the internal anginal in internal. Right it's like that's how it balances the south right exactly. So cancer is a little bit more like the hall or big focus of home they folks around the family big focus around of feeling things very extra highly sensitive ruled by the moon and so again all of the signification of cancer we get from the moon the moon represents mother in the chart so cancers can be very mothering very like very caretaking loves to nourish be nourished like nursing the people around you. Let me make sure you're comfortable. The energy of cancer also like highly intuitive highly june to the subtle energies routes so like extra also out there he. I come pretty intuitive. I always like say like. I always have like a sixth sense. Something is coming before. Cas finding on the spidey senses on him. Service are light just. My best friend is a cancer and the times in down octopus. Random checks purchase reciting senses told me that like know. We should chat or something like that. How did you have you know it's interesting. That cancer is right next to gemini. So how do the two. How can the to work together once more external ones more internal asking for a friend. Jude i i guess we can all learn a lot from every sign. I feel like one thing that jam. And i can learn from answer is geminis are very of the surface like they just kind of skimmed the top a little bit can be a little bit superficial on whereas cancers really create an appreciate tap and substance and so geminis can learn how to be little bit more thoughtful more touchy wore explorative of of what's down neath and below the surface. So ya like they can. Yeah they can learn from each other for sure. That's just there. A naturally being is definitely very different. Interesting let's hold that thought for a few announcements. Have you ever thought about how much better dating would be if you had a whole army of people supporting you. Along the way we know that eating can be frustrating and lowly but it can also feel fulfilling and fun. Have you recently decided you wanna make some changes to your love life. Maybe you've recently re enter the dating scene. Maybe you've gone on many dates. That went nowhere. Or maybe you're just ready to take your current relationship to the next level. That is exactly why we created the sounding board a true extension of our podcast that delivers a personalized experience which includes monthly office.

00:45:04 - 00:50:13

Hours where you can drop in and chat with us about anything weekly sound offs with guided discussions and regular virtual. Happy hours. Allow giulinai to become your dating sherpas to provide real time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can all navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable. Podcast dot com slash sounding board again. That's dateable podcast dot com slash sounding-board. Okay so after cancer. What is a can you is ruled by the sun and the sun. Being the center of our solar system contention song okay. So leo's i'm leo too. So and i was like a theater major. So i love yup attention. Love having all eyes on me but wave and i heard it described once was like you can't help but notice the sun and that's kind of how it is with leo's like the sun is literally right. Their entire day revolves around the sun and the sun racist warm firm brings life and happiness. Enjoy happens when there's no sun thing about like winter months. Yeah agnes yeah like. It's not as fun with the sun. So so that's where nieto's get the signification of loving to be center of attention. Not all leo's like lovett. It's like sometimes they just can't help it or like they just can't that's just there's something about their spirit or something buffer energy that is just so commanding i would love to see. The percentage of tick talkers. Who are ovalles. got five percent. Yeah y'all are also the entertainers of the zodiac. Very entertaining funding extremely royal airy dramatic but can leave very rightful. maybe a little self centered little ego eh. I feel like with me. I'm speaking from personal experience. A lot of the leo's. I talk to just kind of like my observations. This like there's meals have such a huge heart in if it's not they're not really able to share and express that it's it's like i can't breathe you know it's a huge ears and getting a lack of oxygen so it's not sharing of love not receiving of love. That reciprocal like you know. Back and forth is is super important. That's like oxygen to toledo. Okay what's next next virgo. so where your house like. This really outward like demotic expression rooms are low but were pared-down organs are like. I only need what's necessary very i guess. You know the stereotype of burgos off their perfectionist but really in news this search. Or what's you're like getting downtown purest essence of something and so my boyfriend's actually verville just the tension to detail in the way that he threw his are through his personal expression. way that he's really Look at the details in ways that like not people that i know is just is truly extraordinary like their superpowers. Every site has their superpowers. So that's fascinating that you and your boyfriend are also neighbouring signs. We are so we actually don't have technically compatible son signs however his venus sign and mars sign which are two planets that have a lot to do with relationships in pot ability. Like i said who is this way you attract what you're attracted to mars is martha's like our sexuality our drive what really turns us on more. Like the lusty kind of sexual side. Sexual nature both of those friends. Kmart leo and they're sitting really close to my son and so that is an example of how we are super compatible whereas like our sun signs ne- not additionally compatible so there's other aspects in our charts that lineup very beautifully and also just to know like you don't have to be fully one hundred percent compatible with your partner like there's no charts that are going to be like yet respectively ryan. You're going to have incompatibilities you're going to have you know you're gonna be difficult your different than the person that you're is an even learn things from yes. I definitely want to address that once we get through all the side. Yeah i'll be a major question. Okay so after. Virgo will by mercury When it went server go. Like where are we in the end of august september I think it changes every year to the exact dates because now our reporting calendar isn't exactly in line with the soviet What's next after.

00:50:13 - 00:55:01

Virgo is libra k. Currently were lever season. Son is currently in libra. At the time of this filming but lebron stereotypically against the rule by venus. So they're all about connection there. All fouts hannah like the same as a gemini. I being very social. I guess the main thing about lebron They wanna connect their main focus. This really like the other person like what they're thinking and know am i. Is it like harmonious so the site of the symbol of libra is on the scape. So for libra 's main motivation is keeping things harmonius being in balance making sure that everything will think in equilibrium. They're like the most relationship oriented sign a say they are probably on. Relationships are searching for really. Yeah yeah i mean. My moon is in libra. So this would be out of expresses this like really deep subconscious instinctual desire to of people anyway. Levers can be like very flirty very charming. Because they're always just trying to connect with other people whether it's from friendly whether it's romantic or no however yes. The libra 's i've dated have been major net workers he loved networking. They love going to social events. I love connecting people. They're very good at that. Yeah evenly levers love love love of all kinds of that's like the emo without love. It's like they die. After that is working or mueller is ruled by mars or is again where libra is more about like the superficial kind of surfaces like networking aspect of relationships or views are like the intense compassi ing passionate that like i want to devour your soul type of you know relationship it that that would be more more in line with or way of thinking. They're concerned their main concern is jeff. I don't want the surface level. I one you know i wanna know what really jives you. What is low the surface because it's the symbol horse were vio is or pian. No like get to the bottom bottom. Like all like feed off of the. What's down Aids like their service level Networking events such a nightmare. I literally don't yeah exactly vermeer's soul or i don't it so i thought aries was ruled by marris kim to science be ruled by the same planet. Yes so Areas and or view are ruled by mars. Let's see high-seas or google. Jupiter taurus and libra are ruled by venus. But there's like different expressions dot. Okay so who's next. View is savak areas. I know too. Many sagittarians saturday. Burien concern in life. I would say is truth and freedom like do not ever at times to zest for hold down. Sagittarius will buy jupiter there. Meanwhile division is to expand to to learn shovel. Jupiter the planet of higher learning and travel jeepers. Like the sage that the whys of this so Sagittarians are needed. A little bit more harder to pin down yes especially in in relationship. Not all this just tolerant out. Stereotypes job ryan agents sell. I'm jerry said been in a relationship for china's still complicated but i do agree on the surface level. I do have a few sagittarian friends who are in relationships. But don't want to get married on me. i don't want it. Don't get me down there. They're not trying to be contained. They're trying to expand like jupiter's the biggest most extensive planet in our solar system. And so that's kind of light Emulating okay so who's after. Report is often sagittarius so complicated. I'm a capricorn rising. So i can. I can speak into this a little bit. Just backwards to sagittarius expansive health.

00:55:01 - 01:00:01

They're concerned with freedom than the next line over performed a little bit more Wore a little bit more. Steer out like serious serious like is really the best way to describe outperformed because they are ruled by saturn. Zadran is planet of limits boundaries. It's like saturn takes time and so capricorn. Cz are very nearly a hard workers. They will spend their entire lives trying to achieve and succeed and build their empire and they're a little bit more traditional too. it's not You know like whereas sagittarius is like they'll go on like a twenty hour party binge you know and like a visa like that would be their ideal Half its warlike. I just wanna were in project and builds my company empire or they're more concerned with security. And how do they show up in relationships. Belkin it like for life and so capricorn like once i commit to you it's I'm on i'm committed. Yeah and once they decide they're uncommitted you'll never the literally never tax you so you your capricorn. Rising one is that mean. There's just so many ingles. I s ejects very confusing times. So the rising sinus determined from the literally the minute he rewards. That's why knowing your exact Is super important. Because like i said if somebody who's at the hospital the minute i took my first breath than the sign that is rising on the eastern horizon is top report like as or two. It's unlike the or the nas like the paper that you come way right. It's what people immediately see. And it's also like your rising into in in this lifetime turning into work what you're becoming over time got it okay. So capra corn. That's the last one that we're at. How many more do we have just a couple. More years after. Capricorn is aquarius. That's you is so. Aquarius is also ruled by saturn. But whereas capricorn is more like Side of of saturn kaffa. Warn the old guard. Aquarius is the new guard so that's the best way that i cannot describe aquarius. They are like the humanitarian. They're more concerned with the collective very inventive. Very original very contrarian. They just march by the beat of their own drum. They're very authentic to themselves. In fact like in authenticity is repulsive two aquarians. It's like when you see like people following trends or something like that like when aquarian see people all in in like. I'm going to go this way. Do my own thing. This is why. I'm so attracted to men who don't have facebook. It's like there's something refreshing two aquarians when he will do something different or something people aren't doing so that's yeah that's aquarius an last scientist. Pisces pisces is ruled by jupiter at pisces as the morley Mystical kind of intangible uriel sign. They're very like inner worlds Kind of go off into their dreams or the astros for a little while and not really be like the most the most in here on earth. But they're only near the dreamers. The ones that are like visualizing a whole new reality for humanity one that is rooted in compassion. Love no connected to define in some way. That is pisces. That's my boyfriend so we also have neighboring signs because we obviously want to tie this to defeating like horse. Kind of reminds me of we had a guest on. That was an expert on myers. We're like should we put your like myers briggs in your and he's like absolutely no because people are gonna be around snap judgments offi like. How do we use this information. Though with the people were dated. Sure i think it's a really good way to understand the other person on a much much deeper level beyond who they present you know on the first day. Some astrologers will say obsolete at prisons chart until your relationship because of that lake is that you tend to have but i read my boyfriend's chart earn our first date. Of course. I was just like i got i got to know.

01:00:01 - 01:05:00

What's what's up over here because you know you might be virgo but you have so many tendencies. Qualities was right. He had to planets and leo. And i'm like okay. Whereas before i might have been the of burgle powerful i see and i'm like oh now the game now we're talking you know okay. It's not give up. It's just like what are the other understand. Yeah it's you are. Chart can really tell so much about her son and you can really get to know arts of themselves that they wouldn't necessarily like out there from your chart you can tell it kind of up kind of afri newhad kind of all the the difficult experiences you might facing. And so people feel really seen when you can like penetrate beyond the service of what they're presenting and so i just use astrology on chart compatibility in cinistry as a way to kind of take off the mask and daria. I'm just you know. Love them for who. They are all of the different aspects and dimensions of their personality and their experiences. Yeah i just feel like astrology is a way to really see these seen. How much should we put weight on the compatibility of signs. I can see some people say. That's the first thing. I look at not compatible than it's over or should i signed ignored the signs and you know get to know the person ever say like. Oh shouldn't like you see something in their chart that might be the right. You know different venue. that's just. It's a little judgmental right. Not i wouldn't want somebody to be like. Oh she's eleo our never date of leo. I'm like you don't know me. You know might also i can read someone's chart and only really yet a sliver of understanding maybe deeper understanding than than usual but our charts are At least for me my chart is constantly giving me more and newer information about myself. I've been studying my chart since two thousand fourteen. I still learning things about my all the time. So we're constantly evolving constantly unfolding and like different aspects of our charts. You are activated by the transit. So like maybe a certain part of our chart revealed in were emphasized during lieber season kansas and so yeah there's just so much coast into i think it's like a good snapshot like a good way to kind of gauge. And just feel like okay. Like i see here that. This part of us is compatible. Maybe like our communication styles are a little bit different and so instead of being like a. We shouldn't be like trying to understand their communication style. You know it's like a. It's america code almost giant like really developing much deeper intimacy with your car. Her judging about like nobody. That's that's rude. But i definitely like am a sucker for articles when i if i do believe in astrology. I feel like a lot of what a lot of cancer characteristics. I do feel like resonate. So i saw an article. I think it was over the weekend and it said these three signs are going to end. Their relationships by october fifteenth was october eighteenth. But how what's the line of like how much we should be like looking into this. Nfl very drastic white back. Yeah well first. Of all the main job of an article free to click on it. Yeah know so. Of course they're gonna like sensational is but i think what they need is. Mercury was just stationed retrograde. Libra the sign of relationships. And so your relationship already on shaky ground probably not gonna this is. This'll be a huge hurdle to jump over. Okay palestinian rewrite this article instead of saying like these signs are gonna break up which instills fear in reader. And that's it's like you're you're listening to these challah motions From the reader which is a little bit misleading I think if i was in consultation with someone in i saw really challenging transit comer. I love you like okay. If you're a relationship can withstand this period of time which there's going to be challenges is going to be a lot of tests view of setbacks. If it doesn't make relationship stronger than its audibly you know on. Its way out or something like that.

01:05:00 - 01:10:00

But i wouldn't be like you're gonna break up with your partner in the next weeks. Whatever christina you wrote this article. I know it's so cool. Yeah that's when mercury stations direct interest. Oh i see so as oh is related to mercury records. Retrograde her right. Yeah yeah because when when a planet turns retrograde it appears as as if it's going backwards in the sky. It's not really but just Position on earth. That looks like the planets are going backwards. But what can refrain those retrograde periods as a time for reflection retrograde. It's really a time to in word to like instead of going forward looking forward all the time which is something that like our culture values just like gogo you know never look back just like continue pushing forward training inwards and reflecting in like reviewing the last three months or so israel is really valuable is this i'm on right for me is not right for me. That's why you know there could be a threat of a break. Because this retrograde period is just really asking you to do a little bit of internal work and to really contemplate reevaluate. What is right for you and on a similar topic. How do you feel about horoscopes. And how mcvay should we give to horoscopes. So i'm sor- right horoscopes. For astrology dot com. And it is. it's tough. It's really tough to write or a giant population lick huge groups of people so horse camps are really just ways to deliver information to like league groups of people and so that's why they are a little bit more generalized. I didn't really. I didn't really like riding horse votes. To be honest. I really prefer going one on one with a client. Looking your specific chart and remem- specific to you. I guess horoscopes are like a good read. It like you would like a little of inspirational quotes. Like i don't wanna put like so much we into it because it's not really tailored to you right. What might be like a huge money mental shift or one person for you. It's like little sleep doesn't even register but to some person to another person like they're one of the planets in their charts might be getting like we activated by like upcoming full news or simply to you. It's not really activating any personal planet in your chart. So you're not gonna feel it as much as the other person so another thing that say about horoscopes is We tend to read them for some signs. But a lot of astrologers now including me. When i was writing scopes i wrote them or your rising signs see might even be looking at the raw guan. I'm more like yeah like isn't mean anything. What i'm gathering from a lot of this is that it's a really good jumping off point to have more conversations. How do you think we can use astrology to strengthen relationships just asking questions and just seeing people who they are now who you have been. Tv or who think that they should be. I think it's a really good way to understand yourself. And like debry understand yourself all your multi-dimensionality the more you'll be able accept it in. You know i talk about the struggle of y'all my partner. You have the same rising sign so whatever transits are happening affect the scene arts of our lives About to be mercury retrograde our ten health from your while. I know this is a really good time to kind of reevaluate. How we're going to move forward in humour and twenty twenty two like what we wanna do. Count latest you. Wow that's a good way to kind of like strengthen our relationship just understand where we fit in the larger scheme of things like the larger cycles. So i think it's a really great bonding tool as long as it's used intentionally and The just to understand the other person unless the judge them because no one wants to judge or stereo now in any way now. So what's your personal opinion on putting your sign in your dating profile. Yes or no Yeah i knew. Yeah why not. I would say. Put your son whom rising opposite kind of gutter. Okay what's your i've see. People put that.

01:10:00 - 01:15:04

And i never knew what it meant so this day cell. What's your sun rising. God'll give me a little deeper of an idea of new are other than thing like a mary. Your areas maybe with a high seas new. That's a very different areas areas of the orpheum good transition to takeaways. Because i think that's i'm gathering is we're just scratching the surface with astrology off the internet. It may be making rash decisions. That should be made like. I'm not compatible with you. Because i read some article. That says that arch sunshine's aren't compatible. Yeah and from. What i'm gathering from you is. It's it's an insight into you who you are but there's many different dynamics at play in it's really looking at it and i. I think this were jumping off. Point keep standing out to me. Because i really view it as a way to get to know yourself. Better get to know your partner better to ask deeper questions to question things like i love when you said you know. Maybe there's an area that you don't identify maybe taking a little deeper of why you don't feel that you identify with something under the surface there so i think it's just again like knowledge is power in take what works for you leave with dozen domoling you know let your life necessarily be ruled by but use it as a way. It's actually will help you expand like that's all it is and it's a tool about takes many many years. Someone say lifetimes to johnny embody and master like the longer. I study astrology. the more. i'm like that's true. The people who were like you know. I know everything about salt. It's no you don't it yeah. Invention blacks system it's ancient. It goes way back in there so many rules and you know math so much to it and so civic derive it down or dislike. Boil it down to like a sunshine. Sign is just kind of like disrespectful. To the whole i right yeah my biggest takeaway is. I've been using astrology. Totally wrong all these years. I've been using it to help me make decisions sue or to look for to validate my decisions really should be used as a tool for deeper understanding back in the day of things weren't going well for me day i will look up his son and the Horoscope would tell me that. He's busy and i'd be like oh it's because he's busy. Yeah astrology should never be to like justify being treated like. i'm yes. yeah it's just a tool or understanding stockton's like radical self love and again like the deeper you love and know yourself the more likely it is that you can teach me in the internet with another percents that's a great takeaway and the other takeaway that may be a controversial for some is that i think there is something to be said about leaving things to the planets and as sometimes we try so hard to explain why we're feeling a certain way or wire relationships going away or y dating is going a certain way for us. What have we just said. Well the planets are changing and that is was causing this cosmic shift. And how. I'm feeling that is very liberating to know that. But it also gives multi dimensions to what we're going through the even looking at your birth chart your multidimensional and then just really listening to this episode will show that the stars are also multidimensional. Signs are a ball tight dimensional. And just know that. There's no easy answer and sometimes you just got to leave it up to the universe and the planets leave it up to the universe. The planet china i think of. We're gonna go like real out there in. This is like the spiritualize aspect of my astrology. Octa slant to need are like my biggest teachers are like the ascended masters. And so i wouldn't necessarily say that the planets are causing i would say more were acting in syn bio cysts with each other. Because there's this like ancient saying this ancient hermetic proper in its is above so low. So it's like what happens on our own so happening on arm nearing. That's exactly where nearing each other. So you had not like dan musa. Here's my life it's like you're fucking like southern chaplain campaign. The planets are here to teach us like. We're here of having this human experience. We're hearing learn to row. All i feel like the more. I really understand how the planets in iraq and relate one another and how it shows up in my ride.

01:15:04 - 01:20:01

It's expands my awareness of of of the universe in you know like. I think that that's amis like mine me driving forces. Just pure awareness. Yeah i like this like using it as a guide. I think we talked about of different seasons. Maybe it's paying more attention to your career or you know by the maybe by takeaway is dope break up with someone just because you see article that says that you're gonna break up because of that but use that as an opportunity to reflect on the relationship and see you get through the difficult times using it more as a guide of what's happening opposed to rash decisions because like you said with the horoscopes. There's no way in. Article can generalize for every single person out there. There's no way no way the bet the best thing to if you really want personal advice like just go go have a consultation astrologer melby they'll pinpoint in very very specific about how it shows up for you and so i actually don't even read or scoops. Well that's good young guy to write them so i was just like it's Deep enough for me. It's not often. I like you know your shoes to exactly you do love. Actually i gotta take this back. I've been reading channy necklaces. Horoscopes or years of twenty fourteen and she has an opportunity. Cj by the way she writes about the candidates are so. I don't know it resonates in ways. I've never seen Horoscopes resonating or like. It's very poetic. It's review foles -firmative refocus on growth in alignment. It's not like you're gonna. You're not cosmo. It's no exactly that's good because we're going to ask you to if there's any sources you with lebron you've dropped a few but are there any wants then also at the end. How do people get in touch with you because you also do one on one. Counseling sounds right. Christina right yeah Okay so to answer your question. Resources channing nicholas to me is like she's like my astrology scene because she is like the roger that really made me kind of like listen and hanshin. Just because of the way that she she wrote about actually have her book right next to here. it's hold it's for radical self acceptance. While one of my favorite books for recommend for newbies people her really want to understand their entire birth chart. It's like a step by step guide how to understand your moon sign held understand your Ascendant rising your venus siamese. So marian formative loved that book in terms of apps. I love her app as well. The chimney app and time time passage. That's the opted. I used to track my own. Transit's like where i have my around my friends shirts transit's julie do just love. This word always transitioning into some things so transit low as some kind of planetary transit happening. We're like in the midst of like just all these trends. It's all happening on top of each other ones beginning ones ending in the middle of another one like it's just so complex and so on and the how do people get in touch with you. Sure so you can find me on. Instagram christina backrub ski can visit my website. Preceded requests dot com. And i do do a one on one sessions. Although i been skewing more towards astrology for business and working with email entrepreneurs creatives really heart and soul based on their business in diving into their birch. So if you are like a business anyone know when to launch something or no one's arrests or like when's a good time for this without like a love of love were awesome. Do love related. Staffer would you recommend like that's really. I'm i began as like a natal. Chart astrologers kind of looking at your birth chart. And i did those and i just found into the an hour is not enough time to like compatibility in cinistry all. I'll do it for my friends like us but not in like a professional setting. Hey christine will you do my love chart i as a friend. Mike pick good.

01:20:01 - 01:22:20

You left everyone with plenty of resources than lincoln dive into. I think there's a. There's a couple books though specifically astrology for relationships really quickly a jessica and jadu hasn't really amazing book when it comes to compatibility in sodas annabel gats on those are astrologers who specifically right about compatibility analyze them house. Some thank you so much for all these resources. I mean i feel like i need to like download that app today and go deeper nico deeper well cancer of you so cancer. That's exactly new. You'll like nourish out totally totally. Thank you for all of our listeners. We do have a horoscope for all of your signs today. Which is you're going to write a review in apple podcast about us five star ray. Only you can make it come true at the stars. It's a crazy. Everybody has the same horoscope today. It really helps us to get awesome. Guests like christina who can divulge so much for knowledge to us and have this just fantastic So we can keep giving you great content. So when you get the chance apple podcast five star rating and like a little blurb about why you love us and christina at the same time. We're going to wrap this up. Stay data the ball. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Five more podcasts. You'll love at frolic dot media slash podcast. Want to continue the conversation. I follow us on instagram facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable. Podcast tag any post with the hashtag. Stay dateable and trust. We look at all those posts then. Head over to our website. Dateable podcasts dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts you can also find our premium why series where we dissect analyze offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums were also downloadable. For free on spotify apple podcast. Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.