From Thanksgiving leftovers to the Chinese term Sheng nu (which translates to "leftover woman"), we're discussing the pressure we often get from family, society, and even internally to settle down by a certain age with comedian Bernice Ye.
From Thanksgiving leftovers to the Chinese term Sheng nu (which translates to "leftover woman"), we're discussing the pressure we often get from family, society, and even internally to settle down by a certain age with comedian Bernice Ye. We discuss how to tell your family to respectively back off when it comes to your love life, why we can't let labels shape our identity, and how to let go of the pressure and enjoy life.
Follow Bernice @bernicecomedy and check out her tour schedule https://www.berniceye.com/
Thank you to our partners for this episode:
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S13E5: The Pressure To Settle Down w/ Bernice Ye
00:00:01 - 00:05:01
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
Hello, dateable, welcome to another episode of the date of podcast, where we are going to dissect everybody's motives when it comes to dating, but also eat all the Turkey. We can this week. Because this is the only week anybody's eating Turkey. Am I right? Who else? What else are you eating Turkey? It is a big voluntarily. A big week for all. Big week for turkeys. Happy Thanksgiving to all of our listeners. First did four Bose, but what are your Thanksgiving plans you ate? I don't think we've actually caught up on this even. No, we have it. My partner and I are going down to my parents house and the four of us plus our two dogs are going to have a very festive Thanksgiving together. My mom really loves it when during the holidays, there seems to be a lot of commotion. She feels like you need a you need a noisy holiday. She always says that. Feels more festive. So we're gonna bring the dogs obviously because they're noisy and we're gonna make all the sides but my mom's gonna make the goose. We're not doing Turkey. She's making goose. So you will not be having all the Turkey. Well, I will still have Turkey as someone's house. I just know it. You know, there's gonna be leftover Turkey as someone's house. I will have Turkey at some point this weekend, but on that actual day we will be having goose and all the other fun sides. What about you, Julie? I am going to my friend's mother's house, so I'm adopted into her home for Thanksgiving. I will not be traveling back, but she was kind enough to invite myself and my boyfriend and one of her other friends and then her parents. So she said expect to get really fucked up and to eat a lot of food. With the mom or the friend, my friend said that. Oh man, I was hoping the mom. But she might have said that too. I just, I got it secondhand. So it should be a good Thanksgiving, but also it is Hanukkah starting odd Sunday this weekend. Is that early from Hanukkah? So Hanukkah comes on different times all the time. So usually it falls around Christmas ish. But no, it's very early this year. So I will be getting my cooking energy out by doing hanukah celebration. Wow, that's kind of cool, so your holidays just never end. No, it's just gonna be a holiday weekend. And I think we're gonna go to the life size gingerbread house on opening weekend. There's gonna be a lot of good stuff going on this weekend. I love the holidays, decorations. I was in New York for two weeks and they just put up the tree at Rockefeller center. They haven't lit it yet. But already, you feel the holiday spirit. And I walked around the city and it was so cold, you know, one of those typical New York about to turn winter weeks. And I just all of a sudden had this giddy energy about me. Just that holiday giddy energy of I don't even know what's to come, but I'm so fucking glad it's holidays. I'm so glad it's here. I feel like it's stuck up this year, but we had the opportunity of this episode to talk to a hilarious comedian. Yeah. And this episode could not be more perfect for Thanksgiving. Because it's all about being a quote unquote leftover, which is when you've hit the ripe age of 30 in China, and you are considered a leftover woman if you are not married. Yes, you heard that right. We've talked about this term maybe a few years ago and she's made an entire stand up bit around it. And it's so lovely because she is born and raised in China and coming to the states and putting on a fresh spin on this term that's just been so normalized in Chinese society, but also looked at with such crazy eyes in the U.S. what did you say? And she's so funny too. The part that's funny is that I think it's just bore out in the open. Like no one would ever say that in the U.S. but I do think it's deeply ingrained in our I would say limiting beliefs and deep rooted fears that once we hit a certain age we're left over and a desirable. I don't think it's true at all, but I do think there is some of that that seeps in the U.S. too. It might just not have that. If I just not be as out of the open as something you're left over. Exactly. Yes. Just spend, you know? It's good enough. Same thing, same thing, but I think it's perfect timing for many reasons.
00:05:01 - 00:10:09
One leftover is obviously plays into Thanksgiving so well. But I also think a lot of people while the holidays are super fun. There is stress that comes with the holidays too, especially if maybe you're not in the place you want to be for the holidays. Let's say you are single and you kind of fear that you're gonna be the person that everyone's asking at the table why are you still single or what's going on in your love life? I think there's a lot of that fear and we talk about it in this episode that a lot of it comes from our parents and family members just wanting the best from us. But I think if we're already feeling insecure or not happy about something, it can be stressful to be like, I have to face this head on. Yeah, and this is the time of the year where you do see those annoying family members who have their own opinion of how your life should be lived. And let's not forget, even if you're not single, your family has other plans for you. Why aren't you married? Why don't you just end? It doesn't. Right. Why aren't you living together? Why are you living together? There's always something. You can't do anything right. Can't do anything. Because everybody thinks that they know how to live your life the best, which is hilarious because they don't. So one of our moderators at our Facebook community love at the time of Corona, Tony, he has posted this last year as well. But apparently, I'm not a huge Twitter user, I'll be honest, but apparently in the Twitter community, there's a thing every year of Thanksgiving clapbacks. What does that mean? It's basically, you know, like, what is like a witty smart ass response so you can do. I can give you an example. So one of them, there's some memes and they'll probably find their way onto Instagram and other places, but you know, a clapback is like how do you give a back to someone? So one example I pulled up a few of the day they relevant was that we're coming up today. So the first one is auntie. That's your third plate question mark? Me, that's your third husband question mark. Here's another one. Uncle, what are you gonna get a girlfriend? Me, when are you gonna tell your wife about yours? Wow. These are good. They keep going. What are you going to settle dad? What are you going to admit you settled? So these are so good. So if you're looking for a way to give it back, I don't know if this is necessarily recommended advice from obviously more of a joke, but depends how sassy you want to get. Princess sassy you ought to get on that. Always want to get a little bit sassy because the holidays bring out all the emotions in me. Yes, I'm happy and giddy, but I'm also like fucking annoyed and frustrated with everybody around me. I get major anxiety and everybody stresses me out, but I inadvertently clapped back and my mother today. Oh, okay. Clap. So starting. I went to get Botox this morning. She was here, and she said, did you know that if you had kids, you wouldn't have wrinkles because what? This is even accurate. She said, kids give you so much joy that your wrinkles disappear. And then I pointed at her, I heard very prominent wrinkle on her forehead and I was like, I'm pretty sure I gave you that one. So, you know, I think I clapped back a little bit, but I like these. These are a zinger. Yeah, I'm gonna read up on these. First of all, that is the most wildly untrue statement I've ever heard. That is like convenient theories for you. Absurd. I was like, I'm pretty sure that I would have doubled the wrinkles. I had kids. Exactly. She just wants Eddie opportunity to throw it in there. By Julie, you know parents are like this too. Anybody who's had kids seems to have amnesia later down the line that they forget how stressful raising kids were. So then later they're like, it was so joyful. I had no wrinkles. It actually made me younger. I was a fucking Benjamin button and you're like, no. Remember we told me you're a miserable and depressed and you want to kill everybody? That's how you felt. Well, you're gonna have to sass up your clap back because you might get a few more of those comments. Thanksgiving. I can feel it at the air. Well, we're gonna work on our clapbacks because that is related to our question for this episode. Someone wrote in and said, the holidays are coming and they're very stressful for me because I am single for the first time in many years. And I know my family will ask me why I'm single this year. What is a good response for them? Hi. Where's that clap back? Let's bring out that handbook. It's so funny that you could be living your best life, but just by one question from your family member, a ruins your entire holiday. So first and foremost, don't let that happen to you. But also know that your life is your choice. So when family members ask you, why are you single this year? It's almost like you're the leftover, nobody wants you. That's all implied. But you take that back and you control the conversation and say, I chose to be single for this holiday because I was in bad relationships in previous holidays and guess what? This is the best holiday I've had in many years because I'm finally making choices for myself this year.
00:10:09 - 00:15:00
Yeah, I really do believe for the most part, not every family I don't know. But for the most part, it's coming from a good place. And I think I forget that sometimes. I know, I know. And I think a lot of it is that, you know, people want you to be happy. And sometimes we equate relationships to happy this or what you should be doing or where you should be in life. So I think it's all about really sharing like, hey, I totally know that you're concerned, but I'm super happy right now, so there's nothing to be concerned about. I'm actually living my best life, or I'm doing whatever is making me happy right this minute. Insert all that. And I think also I love what you said. Don't let it ruin your holiday. Even if people don't say things to you, we've heard this before from members of our community and our listeners is sometimes even seeing their family that they're the only person and they're siblings have children and families and they feel left out. That can trigger stuff for them. So I am a strong believer that every stage of life has its pros and cons and nothing is forever. Next year, you could be in a totally different place for better or for worse. And I think it's reminding yourself of what is the good in your current situation? Maybe it's after you've eaten a big ass meal, you can just go home and unbutton your pants and watch TV. And you have no one to answer to, right? There's always good at every situation or you can curl up and read a book or whatever maybe. And I think comparison is the thief of joy. I do love that quote because it's really easy to get sucked into what you should be doing or what others are doing instead of just appreciating what you have and ultimately, Thanksgiving is about appreciation and gratitude. So along the same lines, maybe you prepare three things that you got to do this year because you're single. And then that's your answer back. Oh, yes, I am single this year. I am so thankful I got to do a B and C, all because I'm single do you want to see pictures? Right? Yeah. Turning into a positive. And then they'll have nothing to respond. In fact, they might be really envious of your life. There is this weird thing in society that people want everyone to be figured out and by being single, you're essentially not figure it out. Yeah, why don't we applaud people for understanding their self better or applaud them for taking the time to find the right partner for them opposed to just any partner. And I think of the analogy of the pie, right? It's like we want the whole freaking pie and what better way to look at that apple pie on Thanksgiving and remind yourself that you're where you need to be right now, and you want that whole pie and there's nothing wrong with wanting a fulfilling life. And if you have a fulfilling life already, that's great because you could be like, look, I'm there. I just, you know, if I desire a relationship, I'll find that person eventually. And if, you know, you're not there, then it's an opportunity to be like, how can I have that whole pie and have that fulfilling life? I'm getting hungry and just thinking about that whole pie. All the whole pie too, but that's a great way to give a response back to your family. Without clapping back and it's just saying, I just haven't found someone that I want to make that whole pie with yet. So I've decided to make myself this year. Exactly, I'm looking for the whole pie, not just to slice that pie. Speaking of pie Julie, we're going to move on to this next segment, which is called random thoughts in UA's head. But in New York, I was able to watch waitress on Broadway. I don't know if you've ever seen that movie, and it was a book as well as starred Carrie Russell. Yeah, I was gonna felicity. Yes. Everyone's like, who's felicity again? I'm like, Carrie Russell is listening. That's not her actual name. Felicity is not a name. So anyway, I forgot what the movie was about, but watching it on Broadway, it was just so beautifully acted and sung and dance everything. Just beautifully performed, but the entire storyline is about this woman stuck in a bad marriage who finds how she's pregnant with her husband's kid and she feels even more stuck, so she feels like maybe I just have to accept this is my life. But once the baby is born, she comes to a different revelation about her life. And there's this one song in the Broadway musical called dear baby. And I don't have the lyrics in front of me, but she's writing a letter to her future child. And she said, dear baby, I hope you find someone who will hold you for 20 minutes without expecting a kiss back or you can talk back or anything back because I just want to be there for you and with you. It was more beautifully written than that. And that part made me cry because I kept thinking like in society from the outside, she's got her whole life figured out.
00:15:00 - 00:20:02
You know, she's got the husband. She's pregnant. Her life is wonderful, yes she felt so stuck in where she was. And all she wanted was someone to just hold her without expecting anything back. Why the pie thing reminded me of that is because by the end of the musical, the whole theater smell like apple pie. This is the best thing ever. And she's, you know, she's making pies the whole time. That's her forte. So I really thought that was just so beautiful is that from the outside anybody's life can be perfect and can look perfect, but only you know what makes you happy and nobody else can tell you that. So take that control back this holiday season and build and create what brings you joy. Yeah, and I think that's why people get so hung up with these milestones. It's because it makes it so simple to gauge where someone's at. Even though it's not accurate, it's much more difficult to really dig in with someone and see how they're doing. Opposed to just being like, oh, are you engaged yet? That's an easier thing to bring up. Even though it really doesn't mean anything. If you're not happy in your relationship, then does it matter that you're in a relationship? That doesn't matter. But for whatever reason in society, it still like some benchmark and some like finish line you've crossed. Yeah, yeah, like you're accepted into this upper Echelon of society because you check this off your checklist and that's we know that's not the case. This is like, well, we've been preaching all along on our podcast. So we hope that this holiday season brings you joy because you bring yourself joy and you are in control of that. But we do have a gift for all of you for Thanksgiving. We do. We do it again. And it's not Thai sorry. I can't mail pies out to all of you. Well, it's against health regulations. The reason why we're not doing it clearly. So we hope you're listening to this before Thanksgiving because starting Black Friday. We will be rereleasing our fighting your person program. This was a very popular program we released a few months ago. The people who were part of this last cohort are just finishing up the programs, giving a space to welcome new members into the program. It is a 6 to 12 week program. You go at your own pace, but we've noticed from this last couple of people either take 6 weeks or a little bit longer, that's up to you. The entire program shepherds you along into finding your person. Julie and I have both use the same methodology to find our people. At least our people today, and that we're happy with and we feel the need to share this with everybody else. So that is our gift to you. We're launching this on Black Friday and it's going to be live from Black Friday, which is the 26th all the way to the 30th of November. So it's not that many days that we're opening up the program for you all to sign up for it. And then we will be closing cart midnight on the 30. And midnight PST one 30th. And again, it's just UA and I so we do have to limit the amount of people. I think the amount we had last time, 50 people was perfect. We were able to have really good group calls that weren't too crowded. We were able to kind of help shepherd people through and check in on people as they're doing the program. Honestly, I think the biggest gift I got this season was seeing the progress that people made. The last check in for some of the people that have made it all the way through, we asked on a scale of one to ten. How good are you feeling about finding your person? And a lot of the responses a bit like 8 9 ten. This is freaking amazing and just, you know, like, feeling that way and understanding, I think a lot of people either identify the real root cause of what was going on for them or got more clear on what was going on for them. And that's really the deeper work and of course we do all the stuff of how to navigate dating apps and meet new people in real life. It's really a breath of material. I really believe it is our best material we've ever created. So I'm super excited that we're getting the opportunity to share it with more people for Black Friday. It's very much related to this episode too because it's all about taking control of your story and your narrative. And our guest today Bernice basically respond this word left over and she made it her own and created her own narrative around it. So we hope that you all can change your narrative too, like Julie and I were able to do and you can find out more about this program by going to finding your person dot com. That's it. Very simple. We will be sending this out to people on our wait list only, so make sure to join that waitlist. You can even do that today. Yay. Awesome. I think that's good for announcements today at dateable podcasts as our Instagram too can always connect with us there. And let's hear it for a few of our sponsors for this episode. Support for data is brought to you by insipio.
00:20:03 - 00:25:01
In scipio offers legendary protection for all of your devices from phones to AirPods, or tablets. They obsess over their tech to protect yours. It's like in scipio's line of products was made for me because with their phone cases, my phone is protected from drops as high as 14 feet. The cases are also wireless charging compatible and there's a lifetime warranty. So they've got you covered. I have the organic core clear case, which is made up of a 100% compostable materials that reduces landfill waste I naturally reentering the environment from where it started. All the packaging is made out of a 100% recyclable materials with eco friendly water based ink. Now for data listeners only, we have a special offer. These incredible cases are now available for purchase at insipio dot com and you can use the code dateable for 20% off that's IN CI PIO dot com and use a code DA te a BLE for 20% off. This episode is sponsored by better help. It is no surprise, Julie and I are huge fans of therapy, especially online therapy and better help can do exactly just that. They match you with your own license therapist and connect you in a safe and private online environment. I was able to start communicating with my therapist and less than 48 hours super fast. Better help is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches and it's more affordable than traditional offline counseling. There are licensed professionals specialize in everything from stress management, anxiety, trauma, dating and grief. We attainable wish for all of you to live a happier, more wholesome life and we think therapy and prioritizing your mental health will accomplish that. So ask our listener, you'll get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at better help dot com slash dateable, join over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's better help HELP dot com slash D ATE a BLE. Okay, let's hear it from Bernice, all about the leftovers. I still remember when I turned 25 and I went back to China to Beijing to visit my family. And I remember my little cousin joking that I was now a leftover woman. She's like, you're leftovers now. When you turn 25 at 25, I was single in 25, living my best life is she was like, you're left over now. My little cousin, she was like 16 or 15 at the time. I couldn't believe it, and I didn't know what that term meant during that time, but now for sure, you know, my whole family talks about it. So Bernice, who's our guest for this episode. Did a bit all about the leftover woman that phenomenon in China. But who is Bernice, she is in her late 30s, curly lives outside of Seattle, sort of, I don't even know where kimono island nobody knows. Sounds exotic. Originally from China, we're in China Bernie's. You know, it's from Wuhan. How did you explain where that is? Yep. She is engaged and she's a comedian and you know your bit, maybe we should just play a little bit when we post this on our social media was so wonderful the way you kind of explained it. But it is a real thing in China, even though people joke about it, that when I was 25, that was kind of the cutoff that you're single and over 25 years showing you. But now if you're 30, right? They kind of push back the age a little bit. So. That's just not realistic. You're just so whatever. Right, yeah, you don't even know what the hell is going on. But they push back the age, which I do appreciate but 30 is still pretty young. But let's just go in and talk about this with this idea of the leftover woman means. You got engaged in 2020. Tell us a little bit about you and your fiance and how did you meet each other? Before we get into how you're no longer a leftover woman. We actually, you know, like, we met online. You know, when we met, I think it was already 34 already. So old. And here's the 43 and we met online and that's the time I just got out of a long-term relationship and we met a match. I know it's so embarrassing. But not at all. I was like, I was like, you know what, I just wanted to go on somebody who could afford a monthly subscription. I wanted to own some way to scam, right? Yeah. So we dated for like a year and a half or so and he when he proposed. And I don't know how much we get in. But that's the overall quick answer.
00:25:02 - 00:30:04
And then what was your dating life like before him? Before him is an interesting because I feel like the long-term relationship I had was 5 years. So that was kind of like, I feel that's a really good time of my life. I was, you know, really, like, established a who I am before that, I think I did online did he meet in person? I would just try to find out myself. There's growing up in China, but we don't date, right? Like our parents. You can do it. You can not be seen together with a boy. So there's like, I don't even know how to process this. So when I came to America, there is that insecurity and growing up, everybody said you are ugly or fat and so in America when people were training unites, you were like, oh, I'm so yeah. You were just trying to learn your standard. You know, like, it's not like the first person saying you were pretty, then you're like, I like you. There's that phase when I was younger, definitely just trying to learn who I am. And I think when I was in the fire relationship, I had a healthy beginning, but then my boyfriend at the time, when he quit his job and he wanted to do his own Kim, he's a very talented, so it was very supportive. But then you became one thing to actually support him for three years, right? He does not have any income. And I was financially supporting him, but also I was doing all the house a lot of the house responsibility that he wasn't helping. So it can become a very unhealthy. It's not a healthy balance that we are. And so when I got out, that a relationship might be like, okay, I just want to first have fun. And I also want you establish a quieter of like, I don't want to say losers anymore. I want to make sure that the next person I met a standard and also I can be authentic of who I am. Yeah, Bernice, I feel I feel like I'm already having all these lightbulbs go off in my head because you're helping me process also my early adulthood. And it makes so much sense because in Chinese culture, you don't grow up with validation. So when you do get validation, it becomes really uncomfortable. And what Chinese people love to do is they love to when they see you, they love to tell you how you're different from the last time they saw you. You got taller, you got shorter, you got fat or you were never just right. You're always like something about you is off. It's like Jewish parents too. There we go. That's why we get along so well. So I kind of make sense that when you do when you're trying to work through your values and your standards, you're like, is this just basic, good human behavior? This is person actually like me and I should like the back. Right, exactly. I feel like one of our community members whose Asian said, you are basically told don't ever date, and then it's like, where am I drinking? Why don't our families and, you know, everyone understand that there's a lot that happens in between the two. How did you kind of deal with being back single after the 5 year relationship? And now entering probably like territory of being in this quote unquote older bucket leftover stage. I just feel so lucky that that period of time I am in America. I can't imagine if I lived in China at that time because in China also like strangers can get into a business. Like here, there is a boundary you set, right? None of business shut up. But then in China is like a stranger on the street, because I was wearing a tank top, you may once in Beijing and there is a random person on a street. Aren't you cold? Always. Yeah. And I'm like, aunties, uncles, and I was like, well, oh, I know a guy you should have gone on. They were just harassing you forever. So first of all, I'm just very glad I'm here. And then I think there's something good as a distraction for my parents is that they went through actually from the beginning when I grew up. They were always a fighting. So they fight, but my mom is also like she she's very busy. She's always hanging out with her own teeth. She tried to dance true, whatever. So she's very busy. So I will call her on the time that I know she's not gonna pick up. You know, like, you're supposed to call your parents, but there's a time difference. So I will pick up the time to calm and is hopeful that she could miss my so I paid my duty of calling her. Did you think that she would give you shit? Is that why you were kind of avoiding the call a bit? It's more like reduce the frequency. So like, you know, I will talk to her enough, give her the update. But then, you know, like, for my mom, it's really hidden. Sometimes she's so positive. She was like, okay, thank you for all good. You were dating this guy the next are you guys like, wow, this guy, not good, his job is not good, and when are you getting married? If I reduce the frequency houses are the last harassment.
00:30:07 - 00:35:01
I always like to say that Chinese moms have amnesia because you tell them one thing and they're like, good, that sounds good. Next time you talk to them, they talk about the exact same thing over again. They always like to revisit old issues for some reason. So when did you ever feel any sort of pressure from your parents? Now that you're at an age to get married and have kids. Definitely. I feel like now is actually better because even in my late 30s, they almost have this gave up feeling, you know? It's almost like their friends give up from them to harassing about me. They're my friends almost like, oh my there's no point. And then they were like, okay, we gave up. But I feel like in my early 30s, you know, like the period you just enter in that left or women phase. I feel that's the one they have the most pressure because of all my cousins, right? Like my grandparents, all the grandkids, they are married. They have kids. Oh my God, my cousins have two kids already. So at this point, I feel like grandparents of their wishes has been fulfilled. But before that phase, I'm the only one, so like everybody's a one what's the deal when I'm getting married? The only thing that can help my parents back is because when I was my ex. My parents visited me. They visit this day with me from China for three months. Wow. You lived it with me, and they were like, even though they want me to get married, but they were like, this guy we're just not sure. It's really not sure. And then because when they visited, he didn't really try to communicate with my parents and my parents to see I have just take such a heavy load on the household and everything. So when they went back to China, their number one priority is not to get me married, the number one part is like, you should break up with this guy. Well, so that means your parents weren't desperate enough yet. Yeah. They weren't like, oh, any guy. Let's round them up, but they actually have standards for you. That's nice. Yeah. Well, because I think that they were in an unhappy marriage for the longest time. And my mom was like not forced by the kind of guilded into arrange the marriage somewhat because he's a blind date set up by my grandma and a my grandmother just like, oh, you should really marry this guy. Don't hold back and so my mom, you know, they didn't know how to date either, so they got married and my mom was very unhappy for a very, very long time. So she understood is worse to get into a miserable marriage. That's good. So okay, so knowing that, how often I guess if you were to talk about, you know, you have, say, you have like 5 phone calls with her. How often would she bring up your single status? Was a Selena came up frequently? I think she my mom is actually very smart to tread water with me. So she would as a whole are things, you know, like she was. I think she usually happened gender. But then she will kind of see, okay, if things are good or bad, if you're not, if there's something they're not going so well, and I said, yeah, like I told you, yeah, this is another guy just get rid of him. She will pet you that direction. Or sometimes, and if things are going well, then she was like, oh, so have you thought about next up? Waiting for. So kind of a here, and then they should push the water in the direction is already going. Julie does your mom do the same? No. Every mom is so not this way at all. Totally. I mean, I know a lot of our listeners, this is why we wanted to do this topic too is a lot of our listeners say that they get a ton of pressure from their parents. Even in America, where we don't have, I want to hear what have you say, the Chinese term again. But we don't have the leftover culture. But I feel like there's still a pressure when you hit 30 that people feel that they should be settled down. They should be thinking about having kids. There's all this pressure that societal or a lot of times it is family too. I personally have not had it, which has been great. I've definitely kind of been drilled in more to take care of yourself first. And I think that comes from my parents background also. Yeah, it's definitely good to have understanding parents and you could still have understanding parents who give you pressure. I feel like my mom is that she always has an agenda whenever she calls me. But it's always starts out with how are things going. Things are good. What did you eat? Are you fed? And then it's like, when I'm going to see my grandkid, right? It goes from zero to 60 really fast. So it's the way they deliver this information. I was going to say, okay, so I know UA is an only child. Are you an only child also produce or do you have siblings? I think that's a big difference because my brother met his wife at 22. Right. So she kind of had that on one side.
00:35:02 - 00:40:02
I could see if you don't have that at all. This is like your only hope. So there's a lot of pressure on that one person. But recently I had kind of a Tiffany moment with this. So to lead into that, so I told my parents a while ago, actually, it took many years to get them to onboard finally. I don't want kids. And then you know for Chinese parents to be on board and go with you on that is actually very difficult, but I think what's ultimate changed is their definition of happiness. Collecting, I think of our Chinese parents, like the traditional way of the definition of happiness, or I don't know if we are to use big Chinese. Yeah. Oh, I do. It's like the composition. It's like you have family. You have grandkids. This is shit. You have four generations in the house. So there's that traditional view that's the definition of happiness. So I think for my parents for the longest time, I just feel is incomplete for me. My life. And so they're projecting that idea of how the life should be. And they worry. Well, I think that's worth coming from with a lot of family pressure. This is how I did it. This is how society says you're supposed to do it. What's wrong with you because you're not doing it? Yeah. Yeah. And you must not be happy. When my parents were happened is they had they were in their unhappy marriage for a long time, but all of a sudden, you know what? They were in love again. It's so crazy. They were in love with their late 60s, like 65, and they started travel. I think they gave up on the hope of meagerly married and having kids. And then they were like, you know what, fuck it? You know, of their friends or taking care of the grandkids. They're like, we're gonna travel. At the same benefits right if you're an adult that doesn't have kids you have one of the freedom and luxury to do all that stuff. And so it's very telling. It's very telling of Chinese culture where we spend our lives in other people. And it's always about other people's happiness. So your parents are trying to make sure you're happy, you're trying to please them and ultimately you forget what it makes you happy. So it's so nice to see that your parents have finally become quote unquote selfish to focus on their own happiness. I love that neither of you are happy of that process. I love try to make each other out. It's a loose loose situation. Is that giving up that expectation because I think for them is they finally realize we're 65, okay? And now we're not going to get divorced and then find another person again. So they gave up the expectation of the other person. All of a sudden they accepted each other and decided to go travel, they had a lot of fun. Nowadays, they're taking pictures like having like love on The Rock, you know? I was at your picture, I was on your picture later. It's like oh my God. The dance that you TikTok dance is a great what? Yeah. It was sudden me. My dance doesn't go nearly as popular as theirs. And so obviously. I love it. I feel like a rebirth. Yeah, ray burst. And I feel like they have a new understanding of this happiness. It doesn't have to be the same pass as everybody else. And then they start to accept my own way of living. So that's very beautiful. I think that's like the nail of the head. That's where it comes from is that I think a lot of times parents think that you'll be happy this way and they really just want to make sure. But I feel like especially as we're at Thanksgiving to it's a lot of people dread going home for the holidays, you know, because they're like that inevitable question of, are you seeing anyone or, you know, like, why are you still single? And it's coming from this place of wanting to help, but it's basically doing the exact opposite. Totally. Absolutely. So while we kind of glazed over now glazed, glossed over, is that the term? Anyway? Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving and donuts and Turkey. So we kind of glossed over the term of a show, which literally translates to leftover woman. Bernice, can you tell us when was the first time you heard about this term? And what was your reaction? What was the context in which you found out? Okay, I feel like I heard of it when I was in China. I heard it before I was 30. And at a time, I almost feel like I don't know. I'm trying to remember, right? First I was just feel like when you were in that culture, you're almost not surprised. You're almost like your cousin, like, 16, and then you will cause someone odor is like, yeah, like at a time, just because 30 is a hella old. When you were young and you feel like, yeah, I hope I'm like married when I'm 30, whatever, right? So I wasn't surprised. And then it's almost like when I'm in America, I almost forgot about this until the term surface in my head again. And then pretty happy and now I'm a leftover women.
00:40:03 - 00:45:00
And then I think it's only the perspective of living in America just see how women can be so much happier, independent and having our own place and to go back and look at what I was just took it for granted. Like I said, yeah, yeah, of course, it's love to a woman. I didn't think that that's wrong, whatever. And then now it's like, wow, that's terrible. And then the thing is, like, I looked it up, right? A for men over 30. You could say left hormone but nobody used that term. But instead they call it a twilight. Oh my God. And quantitative is like a diamond single man or go with them bachelor. Well, that's like in the U.S.. I mean, I think it's not as pronounced here, but there is like the spinster when you're over 30 and then like the bachelor when you're over. No. And that's, again, one is very derogatory and one is almost like praising. Yeah, it's almost praising. And for anybody hearing this term for the first time, if you're not offended enough, I will just go into why this term is so offensive, even more because there's an implication that it's out of your control. You are left over by other people. It wasn't like your choice to be single, right? Leftovers are the other people have left you. You weren't picked. But as a golden bachelor, it's like, that's your choice. I choose to be single. So it takes the power away from women and it makes it made me when I heard the term feel like, oh, I'm a loser that this is out of my control and nobody wants to pick me. It's just like are we back in the 1920s? It feels so archaic. Yeah, and I remember when I was in school, you know, because I went to picking university and they were like, they were always say like, well, but for girls, you don't want to appear too smart because you are going to be left over women. Like, basically, you will be within want to go for you. You're going to be left over. You know, wow. So did you internalize any of this? Or were you kind of just like fuck it? When you were single, did you feel like something was wrong or were you just embracing it? I wasn't thinking, so the part when I was in China, I wasn't thinking so much about that much. And also when I grew up in China, I was totally tomboy. So I was behaving pretty much like a boy or men. I just don't even think I was a girl. I don't know. Nowadays I feel like I went backwards as everybody else in the U.S. straight people. They were like, I'm fluid, but I feel like when I was in China, I was totally like a Butch less thinking. So I was like, sure, I don't care. I don't need to be in boys, but I was dating and I still don't do hide because people will come to America when I was 21. So that's the age, people will shame you if you're dating. You're supposed to hide. So I didn't get any sort of pressure at that point, but when I'm in America, I feel like it took me a long time to get a get away from them mentality is almost like I don't want it people to see. Even though they're watching wait, so I'm so confused as someone that's culturally maybe vermouth. So basically when you're 21, you're told not to date. You're hiding it. But then by 30 you're expected to be married. Oh, no, no, no. By 22. As soon as you graduate from college, how would that even happen? Is it just set up? Is that really what it is? I think it's also the PDA part of it. So like, he's almost when I was in college, so that was between 17 to 21, right? It's okay. You have a boyfriend, you have a girlfriend. That's kind of normal. He's expected, but then if you kiss, that's like wow. Like almost like you need to remove that image. As if you just yell honey hands, that's okay. But then they don't want you to think that oh my God, this person is having sex. Oh my God. That is I'm speakable, you know? It's so funny though because there is something so much more wholesome about being married and have sex. It's like for creation. And if you're single and dating, there's like this promiscuous vibe. You know, it's either that people either think you're having no sex or if you are having sex, there's this feeling of like you're doing something wrong in a cheerful. At least, you know, because I was also like maybe older too in China that time is more conservative. I think and now people are more open though. I think it's getting there, but it's still there's still a lot of brain washing that's going on in a lot of shaming around not married and having kids. So I don't know the stats because China would not release these stats, but you could be in a long-term relationship with someone and have the intentions of marrying them. But if you have a child out of wedlock, your family would make you get abortion. Wow.
00:45:00 - 00:50:03
More times than not. This happened to someone in my family where she had been dating her boyfriend for 6 years. They were gonna get married later that year. She got pregnant because also sex education does not exist in China. So nobody knows. People are having sex and they're like, I got pregnant. What does that happen? Yeah, so education is not happening. And then she got pregnant and they made her get an abortion. They got married later that year and then had a kid a year after that. And that was okay. Wow. So there's just so much shame around the technicality of it all. You have to be married in order to have kids. It's really fucked up, even if you've been with someone for like a decade. Yeah, it's so much a shame associated with it. Yeah. I do think that also exists in the states. For sure. Yes. I think there is a lot of areas that, you know, there is that very, I mean, we know that from, you know, just in certain states, abortion is not okay. And looked at as, you know, the cardinal sin. But then even just even in the most liberal of areas and cities and stuff, there's still this pressure, right? Where is that? I guess I'll direct it to both of you, but maybe Bernie's first, like, where do you think that pressure is coming from even in the states where? I mean, I know we don't go around talking about leftover women here. But there's still is this feeling of there's something wrong once you hit a certain age. Yeah, let's see. I feel like in this area, I'm observing almost like a going the opposite way a little bit, I would talk about that later. But I also feel like there is a sense of women as we age will our value value the appreciate. And then the men, their value goes up. I think your family, your Friends, where people will not say that out loud anymore, right? But then they still feel like, oh, you're beautiful. You're young, but now you get older, older, like so much of our value is associated with our appearance or sex appeal and all that stuff. That's how I feel, but also that you're married to friends. So we all friends, right? And then your Friends, they get married. They have kids, and they are also projecting about like, oh, you gotta, I guess not projecting, but it's almost this difficult to hung out with your married a friend. They just went to a different world. Right. They're married. It was kids, and you have your single. So there is a sense of being left alone is a harder to make friends and the lifestyle, you can depart from some of the longtime friendship you have as well. There are some peer pressure. But in Seattle and Portland, there's something interesting because there is a part of my stand up I talk about I mean engaged and it used to be people would applaud and now people just like, I think he's either there trying to say oh, get him married, or just like, let's do it, if it's just married to a man or a woman because if it's a woman we're going to applaud about a man that's like, like that. You know, there's two traditional. Yeah, yeah. Just like in Seattle, it's so progressive and liberal. There's a people about like, ah, if you are just doing the traditional thing about getting married and it's like, I'm not so into that. There's that as well. So we're kind of almost like overcorrecting the other way. Yeah, yeah. Definitely see that. San Francisco also for sure. I was like, what happened to your love is love, you know? Traditional. You don't. You're like a shame for being straight these days. Yes. I like men, I know, gross. I think both of the points you brought up though. I think there is this massage need that comes from it and just like the traditional aspect of that there is this belief system that you lose prospects the older you get. And everyone settled down. So I do agree with you too about the Friends and whoever is in your orbit and that might be less societal pressure, but it is a pressure because it's on your day to day almost even more. And I think you do start to notice the gaps of lifestyle because I think when we're in our 20s, everyone's kind of all doing the same thing. And then once we hit our 30s, people start to really deviate in all sorts of directions. So if you happen to be with friends that are all in one direction and you're in another, and maybe it's the same. Maybe if all your friends are single and you're the one lone married person, you would also feel like you were kind of in a different leftover state or maybe not leftover, but just did a different world. Yeah, or just like, nobody's really left over, right? That's all of our choices. There are choices that we make and it's not in the hands of someone else who ate us for dinner and didn't want to the next day. That's not how it works, but I do often think about how these terms are started, who starts them. And then how do they even catch on? How do they become viral? How do they become part of pop culture? And Bernie's have you thought about this a little bit for China in specifically? Who do you think made up this term? Well, we definitely amen.
00:50:08 - 00:55:03
Sounds like something people like I just feel, I don't know, okay, in my hat, this is the image I have a guy got dumped, you know, by a woman, and then just very upset and just wonder online to write an Internet like what an Internet novel like a blog. Yeah, like a blog saying he's like, you know, she will be left over a woman. Just use it. And they're like, I feel like that is very easy to catch on. Like something that shows up on the Internet. I'm completely making this up. So my head, I just have that image, you know? And then that went online and people were like, yeah, yes, she's a lifetime woman. Fuck her or whatever. Something is like, you know, Mark zackenberg couldn't find date and he started a Facebook. You know, there's a lot of talk about the dirty by the can't get whipped. Let's throw. Yeah, whenever the ego get attacked and the defense, the mechanism is to kind of putting other side down, right? I think it's the ego, the hurt ego that started it, but it's also the jaded women that perpetuated it, right? So the man probably got hurt. He's like, I'm gonna make up this term, but he caught some women at the right time who are probably just turned 30 or whatever and felt down on their luck, felt bad that they were single, and were like, exactly, now there's a term for it. Misery loves companies. So I'm going to keep perpetuating this term, and I'm going to call other women this term. And what is beautiful, though, is in recent years in China, some feminists have taken this term back and said, yeah, showing you could mean leftover by shung also could mean heavenly kind of queen like, I think that's a one way of describing it. So they've retaken the term back and said, nope, no more leftover. We are powerful queens who have chosen to be single. Okay, let's pause here for now for a message. You may have heard us talk about our finding your person program and the response has been overwhelming. Just as a recap, we have cracked the code on finding a partner, and we have already shared our methodology to a sold out group, and now we're excited to be able to open up registration again for a very limited time. Listen, we get it. Modern dating can be incredibly difficult. After one too many bad dates, you may even question this is all worth it. We hear you and we see you because we've been there ourselves. And by talking to thousands of daters over the past 5 years through dateable, we've been able to pinpoint exactly what helps people find their person. It's three components, positivity, reflection, and action. And together, it's what we call the positive refaced method. In our finding your person program, we walk you step by step through the method, prepping you for your person who is just around the corner. This is our best content yet and we aren't holding back any of our secrets in the program you'll have access to almost 8 hours of audio sessions as well as an accompanying workbook. Additionally, we're giving away free bonuses valued at $2800 all just for signing up. If you're serious about finding your person willing to put in the work and eager to implement every step of this method, the sky's the limit. The cart is open for a limited time starting on Black Friday and the cart will close at midnight on November 30th. We completely sold out the last time. So make sure you get in on it before it sells out again this time. Just head to finding your person dot com to learn more. Again, that's finding your person dot com. I feel like if the U.S., though, just bringing it back to here, also, I think it all stems from romantic comedies. I think that's where this state bank came from of, you know, like you need to be married or whatever by a certain age. I feel like there's been so many shows that kind of reinforce that stereotype too. And I feel like a lot of them don't even exist anymore. I can't even remember the last time where I've seen that very traditional romantic comedy that the credits end when the two people get together. That doesn't really exist as much. Yeah, romantic comedies are they focused for sure. But you know, like kind of like what Bernie's is saying, we're kind of going the other direction. So you don't see those romantic comedies. In fact, you see the opposite of those storylines and nontraditional relationships. So it's nice to see that. I just thought about this and it completely escaped me because I asked you for the root of the term. And I think I do know the root of the term. Oh, tell me, 'cause we grew up in this one child policy, right? 'cause there was a population problem. They had to control it. Now, there's way more single men than women because so many women have chosen to choose career and education over having kids.
00:55:03 - 01:00:00
So the government was like, oh, we're fucked up because now we're gonna have a reverse population issue. Nobody's procreating. So we're gonna create this term to make women feel guilty for not getting married. There we go. I think that's okay. Is that where a cape from? That's actually. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. It's used by the government. I feel like that's way more fuck than some random guy that's heartbroken right now. Julie, welcome to China. Everything is everybody's fucked up by the government. 'cause I remember the okay, now he's clicking. Yes, the leftover women. Yeah, 'cause they wanted to pressure you to get married because also there's a trend of more and more women like when you work like once you have financial independence and stuff. And then it's still not working. And so the government did this a two child policy thing. And there are three child policy. And nobody wants to have kids. No money. Yeah. So I like in your set, what are the things that I really liked about it was like how you said your friend asked if you were going to get your fiance was going to get permission to marry you? Yeah. You kind of like laughed at it. How is that odd? Permission. Like literally, doesn't my mom would pay him to take me? Like, okay, so this is how conversation went, right? I told my mom. I'm taking the boyfriend home. My mom just said, like, what? Boyfriend? I mean, just like, when you come home, and she feels so embarrassed. I'm taking home a boyfriend. And she's just like, will you come home? Just tell that you are married already. Yeah, and I have to negotiate with her. I was like, well, actually, before dad, she's like, oh your grandma, she's dying. You have to have like she's guilty. And of course, my grandma, two grandmother find they were fine. They're healthy. They're not dying. They just want to help me. You just got to see farewell. Yeah. You got to have a wedding to make sure all your grandkids are getting married. So that's how she was trying to. It's like, okay, just make sure you're married. Except your grandma's fine. Yeah, yeah. And now after negotiate with her because one of the things my mom have nagging me is like, no, I've been to so many Chinese weddings because that Chinese word and you get people money. And she's like, I'm broke from people money. She's like, yes. When are you going to get married so I can't get my money back, right? Yes. Yes. My parents say those words verbatim. So funny. I have to negotiate with my mom. I said, well, don't you want your money back? We need to have a Chinese wedding. So how about just like only grandma tegra grandma that I'm engaged? But don't tell anyone else. And of course, when we showed up, everybody, congratulations, for engagement. Oh my God. Yeah, there was no engagement. No, there's no engagement. I was so mad. What is your now fiance think? So what happened is this whole time, I'm a sheltering him from all the Chinese conversation. He wanted to learn some Chinese and I was like, I don't want you to learn check. Your fiance's American. Yeah, yeah. He's white. Okay. Yeah, so he wanted to learn Chinese, but I wanted to teach him very basic, like, how? Like, good. I just couldn't do everything. And eat. So basically, the other lunches and dinners, people were cheering, toast to us for a while engagement. Oh my God. I just hope he does a drink, just drink. And I will tell him how upset I was. Okay, I can't believe my mom did this, and everybody said, I will pissed. I was very, very upset. But of course, this whole time, he was plenty on proposing to me. I don't know. I didn't know. So he is almost like trying to almost his heart is thinking the whole time to my mom's just chill, just chill is coming. It's happening. Did your mom did she have or what about your dad? Where's he at this? Does he give you the pressure? Oh, yeah, my dad, I think he's so traumatized by my last boyfriend. He just wanted me to end up with somebody like basically there's a bar said, okay, this guy is not good for this reason. He wants to have a checklist to watch out for me. And he's like, okay, this guy's good for this. You know, taking care of us is a respect for us. He's a funny. He's trying to communicate with us. So for him, he's trying to say, okay, I give the thumb up to this guy. So he wasn't protected. Yeah, he's been protective. He's kind of keep an eye on for me. But my dad and my fiance, his name is rich, and they had a really good moment because I think even though they don't speak the language, with the help of some translation of Google Translate, they really clicked, because they're like a photography. They're like some of the common interests they have really fun moment at deals together.
01:00:01 - 01:05:00
They started. My mom pulled out of the Chinese karaoke and then wow. And then my mom was dancing and then Rachel was a scene. So there's something really fun moments that happen. Yeah. You know what's so fascinating is it sounds like your mom is just trying to please her mom. Like, it's just like this perpetual cycle of pleasing. It's like you were saying earlier that, you know, she wasn't even that much like, oh, you should get married because she wasn't super happy in her marriage then. Now she obviously is, but it sounds like it's almost like I need to make sure my mom, your grandmother is okay. So I'm gonna go that extra mile to make sure that it works and they're happy. My mom is a very interesting character because I think for her she is. She's no traditional. Like she's kind of a rebel of her own in the meantime because of she's a surrounded with all the traditional value or her friends and the family. So she's never jumped out of it. So even though she will feel happy when she's just being herself and she has very strong personality, she's also, she knows what she's supposed to behave supposed to feel gotta be her duty for the family. So I feel like I see the both sides of her coming to play. You know what's so fascinating is I feel like that actually sums up where a lot of us even in the states are uncomfortable. It's like there is this side of us that feels okay being single and even potentially happier being single and loving our life, but then also this traditional side that's you should get married to have children and all that. And it's a constant tug of war sometimes. And I think that ultimately is what makes us unhappy over that we're just not with someone potentially. And this is why this moment is so important to us. Because our parents grew up in a generation where they do see the rebellious side, but they can't act upon it because it's life or death for them, you know, they need the shelter, they need a family to need all the traditions. And we are the first generation to actually act on the rebellious the non traditional side. And if we don't fucking do it, our kids are gonna have to take that on. So we might as well be the first generation to carve that path. So it won't be as hard for our kids, right? I love it. Were they like, how accepting were they of you having an American fiance? Were they okay with that? They were like, finally, she's moving on to getting married or did they prefer you to be with someone from China? You know, the best part of being 36 is like. I'm totally feel that as well. Just drop. They're like finally sub one. Someone, yes. And when is the wedding? We push because I was supposed to be September 2020. We push it to this year's September, and then we push it next year, July. And that's it. The first time we push it, because it's a pandemic and we're like, oh, we're so behind our wedding planning anyway. So it was a relief for us. And in this year is even though we get a vaccine by my parents, they can not come. And there's one thing that is crazy happening in China is, you know, my parents, they have to turn their passport to the government. They don't want it to leave the country. So like, yeah. Right. Because for us, it's like we want our wedding to be a celebration with our family with people who wear love and then it will be really bummed that my parents can not make it. Right. But even now looking at July, I'm not sure, but I think it's across the country. So how do you feel about just wedding traditions? Like as someone that, you know, you've said that you're not as traditional like are you? Do you want to wear the big white dress? Are you going to take his last day of where do you stand with that stuff? What in traditions are so stupid? And it should be honest like this. Okay, this engagement ring thing. I never had a thing with the engagement ring. I really, why do you spend that much money on the screen? So there's so many levels of things. I don't get it. I think you'll have a nice piece of jewelry is nice, but is it worth that much money? Salary. Yeah. And we can have a really nice honeymoon nicer, right? And then also, why is supposed to be a surprise? I feel like it's very weird, like you're supposed to be a surprise 'cause like, I don't know, just like if somebody's going to propose to me because nobody says no really when the guy proposed. So you just gave so much power. Okay. I sure have. Because it was a surprise. Surprise, but it should be what you're saying, Bernie's. It's like, if you're building a life with someone, why would it be a surprise that failed to life? Yeah. Yeah. I know, you're giving the guy the control of when you propose. Yes, or no whether to propose. I don't know. I want to get married and let's get married. So there's that already.
01:05:01 - 01:10:04
And then spending so much time, okay, so we were going to have a Chinese wedding and American win because my mom needs to get her money back, right? So let's do the same thing. But if what Chinese wedding is very easy because there are some companies that does this package, you show up to bring out the package, okay, wherever you want it to be. Yeah, they do everything. You can have 12 dresses on the day of your wedding. You ran them. And so you do cost soon much less costly and your gas that will give you money. So it's less work. They don't have to point so far ahead and it costs less you ended up with more money. But American winning, you have to every guess you invite the more you invite the money, the more you call it, it's a loss for you. I don't get that part. So I just as someone that's never been to a Chinese wedding. Because I get an American weddings you give a GIF, but you have to pay for the whole thing for the person. How is it different in terms of making this money? You fucking make money from Chinese money. That's your cost, just like way low that you don't have any, or because your guests give you so much fucking money. Yeah. It's like way more than depending on their relationship. And it's a little competitive too. It's like I think a lot of the new year, but I think at a wedding, they keep track of how much money they gave and that's. Supposed to make you lose face. Yeah, it's a thing. There's like a status interesting status. At Chinese weddings, they hire someone to come around to collect the red envelopes and they come around with a sheet, write your name and how much you gave. Oh my gosh. Okay, so it's just like a lot more out of the open than in the U.S. weddings. And the closer you are to the family of the bride and groom, the more money you give and you could give up to some people get like 10,020 $1000. It's a lot. So you couples love having weddings in China because you fucking make money in the U.S. is the reverse. You go in debt because it costs so much to the expensive. So were you going to take his last name? How do you feel about those traditions? Yeah, I never really planned to take the last name. Yeah, there's because I feel first of taking the last name is weird. For me, because in Chinese family, we never changed the last time. We don't change it. I missed you just naturally. Okay, life is hard. The less I need to do the better. I mean, why do I have to be the one to go to all the cars? Do you change all that? And also feel like not saying the divorce. But I always like, you got to talk about everything. So you can putting all the work on the women. That's awesome. Yeah, and for me, I don't want to walk around as Bernie's right art. I mean, I can't. I walked around and said, hey, I'm pretty rygaard. I'm just like, show me your ID. And then just, you know, like, yeah, I was talking about you. I apply for a job, right? They see my resume like Bernie's reign. They don't even know I'm a diversity hire. It's true. Yeah. And I was a higher manager. I was a harder manager, you know, compliment you. Like, I know it. We need to have diversity. We want women. They see your last name. They're like nah, just another white lady. Yeah. That's such a good point. While we're at it 'cause you're so hilarious. Can you just do a quick bit from your showing you? Oh, stand up. Just a quick bit. What you said about it. Okay, well, I want to just talk into, guys, 'cause otherwise I don't know how they sound, right? But you guys already know, like, in China, women over 30 were called shown, leftover women. And, you know, I guess you know what turning around. I think I am like leftover pizza. Yeah, delicious. Yeah. And code. So good. Yeah, I am a cold hard bitch. Oh my God, I love it. You're the best. For the people that this is resi day with. The people that are like, I do feel that pressure. I don't want to feel that pressure. What's some advice you have for them to kind of get out of their own heads that they have to do all this stuff by 30? Okay, so I'm trying to see, okay, so the thing that I come up for myself is I was like, you know, if you are just think about that very unique, special designer handbag on a shelf, right? And the more unique that more special you are, the longer you will take to sell because you need to find that special buyer who see that click with you.
01:10:05 - 01:15:03
But if you just a very generic fast fashion, yeah, you will sell very quickly, but then just hold on to your own be you be the special you and then when you have that special buy or find you, you will take longer, but it will be better. So that's kind of one of the you know what? I definitely this might be like a convenient theory for you, but I remember looking up on Google and seeing there was a stat that more intelligent women tended to stay single longer. So there is some I think there is some truth of this more complex people, sometimes it does take longer than, you know, like if it's more just like, I'm gonna go with what I know as a tradition and do the thing that I've always been told to do. I think the more you overthink things and think about what is it I really want that might change the trajectory. And then the other thing I think about is like, you know, at the end of the day, your own happiness is the most important thing. Your grandparents, they die. Your parents stayed by. Oh my God, so true. They die. So you got to leave for yourself. That's a great segue to takeaways because everybody dies. That was my takeaway. Everybody dies. I think what I'm getting from this is so much of this is sexist misogynist too. So I think we really need to break away where so much of this is coming from before we feel bad about our situations. It's so easy to just be like, I should do this or I shouldn't do this because that's what you're being fed, but taking that second to think of like, what is it I actually really want and what really will make me happy, we have that luxury. I love that we were talking about the different generations of how different generations maybe didn't have that luxury. But in this day and age, we do. So I think there's no shame in holding out. I think if anything, we should be applauded for holding out to find someone that meets our needs, not shamed for it in any way. My takeaway is you just gotta do you. The traditions were there for a reason. Yes, they worked for our ancestors. It does not mean that they work for us. We can fully respect and embrace traditions. It does not mean we need to carry out the traditions for our own lives. It's good to know where we came from. That's always great to know our family history. But moving forward, know that you have the power to change it for future generations to come. So hearing this conversation, I'm completely inspired by the fact that you can create a life that's completely different than what you thought it would be, but you created it. And that is absolutely okay. Also, just everything is normal. Whatever you're going through right now, it's just meant to be. It's normal. If you're married, it's normal. If you're not married, that's normal. Right. 'cause that's your life and I've really felt that since moving to the states, putting the focus on myself has been really hard thing to do, but also one of the most enlightening things to do is that I'm not on it was not put on this earth to please other people. I was put on this earth to live my best life and to be happy. And I can choose that happiness without being the shadows of other people's expectations. Because if you saw in our example, the more you try to please other people, nobody gets pleased. They know me happy. So focus on yourself. Focus on yourself and Bernie's you talking about your parents being so happy now, 'cause they're finally focusing on themselves. That makes you so happy. So that's like such a win win situation. So I really feel like we can all take that stand and say, I'm gonna focus on my own happiness first. My very last takeaway is the more we can study about other cultures and how they view dating love and sex. The more it puts a different perspective on how we view our own lives. So I really hope that this conversation was able to shed some light for some of our listeners on what they're going through and maybe some new epiphanies or learnings because we can always learn from each other. And we can just keep this conversation going all the time. Just to add really quick, I think you touch something really important that, you know, the stuff that you draw with being single. There's nothing wrong with being in a relationship. It's funny that you're getting food for being engaged. That's hilarious. We a lot of times make our identity around a relationship. Either being in a relationship or not being in one, and I feel like everything else in life, it's a season. And things change. It's not that you're always going to be single. And if you're in a relationship, you may become single again. I think it's how can you be you? And adapt to those different stages. And there's positives and negatives in every stage of life. I think as someone that's now in a relationship, I love being with my partner and being so happy with him, but sometimes I'm like, oh, I just wish I had that Friday night that I could do nothing.
01:15:04 - 01:20:00
And veg out that I used to have like all that flexibility. So I think there's always a positive and negative to everything and it's up to us to not just get bogged down in the negatives. For sure. So Bernice, what did you learn from us? What are your takeaways from us? So much to take away in the sense of because for me, this whole culture, I mean, I really resonate with what you were saying with the more we learn other culture, the more we have perspective and then the thing is about accepting all this normal, right? I think the part is we're getting into a world where more and more of what's right what's wrong. What's black and what's the right. And then the thing if we're really trying to create an understanding and then I feel like we're all one and aware, there's different ways we should support there are normal weather traditional or new yeah, so that's number one. Should the other thing that came up? Oh, what Julie were saying the identity? I feel like sometimes we mix labels with our identity. We are associated ourselves with all kinds of labels or single or in a relationship, I'm Asian, and then I'm like, you know, I'm a straight I'm gay. We a social are identity with the labels, but in fact, it's really about being who we are because there are times you might lose that label and then you don't want to lose your identity. And I feel like so well put. I think that's what I also think there needs to be holidays and events for a single people. It isn't fair that you give all these gifts and buddy to everyone else. If you don't have a single day. Good. Shopping, but it's all shopping. The other big takeaway to wrap this up though is, you know, it's usually not coming from a bad place when your parents are really in your business. That's true. It's coming from a place of wanting the best for you. Do they know what's always the best for you? Probably not considering we're in a different world. But I think that is where it's coming from. So I guess last question for you, Bernie. If you do have a nosy parent, especially as the holidays roll in. What's one tip to kind of get them off their back about their relationship your relationship status? Oh, just imagine hypothetically speaking I have a very you know the thing is for me it's easy. Okay, well, because you know in China, you can say whatever because they don't have social media, they don't have you can fake a lot of things. I love you happy. They carry true. They can not cross check. They can't you send a picture. Oh, I'm with this guy. It's like, you survived one holiday the next holiday you break up? It's easy, you know? She had your first no big deal. Yeah, just survived one. Partner, I think we should start that service. Hire a boyfriend for the holidays. Exactly. That exists. Your photo will Photoshop the band. It's $25. I've had a dog too at a dog. Exactly. Did it you ate you like didn't correct your grandfather father for thinking that like mojo is your kid, not your grandfather passed away thinking that I was married with a son, and that's oh my God. And nobody corrected him. They were like, yeah. My son being a fur ball, but he is a dog. But my grandpa says something to my dad like, how's her rambunctious son or something like that? My dad's like, good. It's a good battle. I just not the truth either. Sometimes for our grandparents generation. Let's just keep them in the bubble. Right. They were like, at least they die happy, you know? Like you know exactly. So Bernice for people who want to see you either live in person or online. Where is a good place for them to find out more about you? Awesome. Yeah, so I put a lot of my schedule shows and some of the contents on Instagram. It's at Bernie's comedy. And then I talk about cultural stuff on TikTok is also at Bernie's comedy. I am doing a tour. So I'm taking the RV from Seattle drive down the coast into San Francisco LA San Diego. So on my website, I will list all the shows and tour schedules. Bernie Sanders at that time. We are totally gonna beat roll through San Francisco. Oh, you okay. I'll hit you both soon. I think we're gonna be Friends. Oh my God, I can't wait. I can't wait to have it out. It's gonna be so much fun. Yeah, I'm gonna get off everybody. Everybody's gonna come. Thank you so much again for this conversation.
01:20:00 - 01:22:25
You are just as smart as you are hilarious. So your fiance is very lucky man. Tell him that. He can listen. I want to play this part of the podcast. Yeah, it'd be like surprise honey. For all of our listeners, we also feel the love when you give us 5 stars in Apple podcasts and give us a nice little review. It just makes our day. And we know that you're enjoying this content, you know, showed us show us a little validation. If you will, we really appreciate it. And with that said we're going to wrap up this episode. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network, find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tagas in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those pose. Ben head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to. Stay dateable. If you love hosting over the holidays, swap out your old age back filter with a filtrate air filter, it can help clear away particles from all your holiday cooking. Look for filtrate air filters at a retailer near you. Let's clear the air. Holidays are here, and so is fashionable fitness. Gift yourself a Samsung galaxy Z flip three 5G, a phone that folds in half to literally stand on its own, pair it with the galaxy watch four for ultimate wellness and wow factor. Check health stats, flex personal records, over 90 activities can be tracked, like biking, swimming, golfing, and more, invest in yourself, with tech made to crush goals. Holidays open up with galaxy, shop at all at Samsung dot com, 5G connection and availability may vary. Check with carrier products sold separately.