S14E10: From No Relationship Experience to Engaged w/ Sydney Lotuaco

Dateable Podcast
April 26, 2022
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April 26, 2022

S14E10: From No Relationship Experience to Engaged w/ Sydney Lotuaco

Instead of stressing about our relationship history, we're here to chat with Sydney Lotuaco about how she ended up engaged to her first real partner at 30 despite her past relationship inexperience.

From No Relationship Experience to Engaged

Instead of stressing about our relationship history, we're here to chat with Sydney Lotuaco about how she ended up engaged to her first real partner at 30 despite her past relationship inexperience. We discuss trying everything from being on the apps to being on the Bachelor (spoiler alert: this isn't where she met her fiancé), the struggles that come with being a late bloomer and losing your virginity "later in life", and how you can recognize a good thing when you see it even without having other relationships to compare it to.

Follow Sydney @sydneylotuaco and check out her podcast 'Something to Share'

Thank you to our partners for this episode:

Drizly: Download the Drizly app or go to and use promo code FAST5 for $5 off your first order.

Episode Transcript

S14E10: From First Relationship to Engaged w/ Syndey Lotuaco

00:00:01 - 00:05:07

The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host UA Shu, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Hi Friends, welcome to another episode of the dateable podcast. We are UA and Julie and we are here to help all of us figure out what is going on in modern dating. But in the meantime, we're just trying to get over COVID. I don't know how UA and I managed to get COVID at the exact same time as UA goes to take a cough break. You all know that we are both not at the same city currently, so it's not like we've been around each other, but I feel like we're just so in sync. I guess that's the glass half full way of looking at this. Is that we're sinking, but it is so crazy how it all happened because on Monday I was experiencing symptoms and then Julia was also kind of sick and you tested negative on Monday, right? And I tested positive. So I was like, I definitely have COVID. And then she comes back and she's like, I have COVID, too. But could you tell people the story of how you think you got it? Because you have a way better story than I do. Well, also you don't know where your source is. I know exactly where and when I got it. This is the thing. This last weekend, and for some reason, I kind of forgot COVID existed, this past weekend. And I guess it had to come to that point at some time because I've been so careful. You and I have been so I know throughout this entire pandemic. But this past weekend, I was like, I'm going out. I'm going to go say yes to all the invites I've gotten. One of them is this house party at a friend's house, and she's invited me a few other times, and I said no, but this is like the first time I've said yes, and I was pretty excited. But in the middle of this house party, it was on a Friday. First of all, it's in the middle of a residential neighborhood, so all the windows, doors are closed, so neighbors don't get bothered by noise. Okay, so everything is sealed in, painting the picture. They're about 60 to 80 people there. I'm not sure. And in the middle of the party, they stopped it to do a ten minute breathing activation. Okay, it was called an activation basically kind of like set your intentions, breathe from your womb, breathe in everybody's energy and then breathe it out from the top of your head. That's so LA. So LA, but also at the same time, now looking back, it was a COVID activation. That's what it was. Yeah. Breathe in COVID from your womb, breathe in everybody else's COVID germs and then breathe it out from the top of your head. So Friday went to the party. Saturday felt a little bit tired Sunday had a stomach ache, and then we get an email from the host of the party, saying a few people tested positive and I was like, oh, shit. And then Monday, of course, I test positive. Yep. Okay, so UA's boyfriend and I and UA two have a mutual friend. And she sends me a text from UA's boyfriend. That's like the moment that we breathe from our woob. It quotes, that's what I caught COVID. And I was like, you ain't left out this part of the story when she told me about the house party. And then I confronted you in. You're like, I was savior for the intro. I didn't want to give it away. Like, I need to tell you exactly what's breathing from my womb then. She's like, oh yeah, I just went to a house party, I was like a super spreader event. And I mean that alone, yes, but then this was like hold next level. Did you have sex party that happened after? Yes, there was something else that happened. I was not part of that. But what I can't understand is the fact that when this is all going down, there were no red flags in my mind. I didn't even pause and think, okay, this is dangerous. I was like, great. I'm part of this breathing activation. I want to partake. It's because there's this myth now that COVID is over, and I feel like the media and government has just given up on it. They're like, no one wants to hear about this anymore. We're just going to stop talking about it. And I admit even seeing the signs of what is a BA two is what it's called? Yeah. Doctor Fauci was talking that it's out. I'm like, oh my God, why won't this ever be over? But I don't like that like I had a false sense of safety. And I let my guard down and honestly, I wish I had a breathing from the womb story. I don't even have a story. I don't even know how I got it. I think it might have been for plumbers that came to my house to fix the heater, which is just so sad. But so far, my partner is COVID for a somehow. He is testing negative yet does have some symptoms. So we can't quite tell if it's in his head or if it's real, you know, how like when you start to think that you have come to placebo. So he did vacate though because we still live at separate residents is on Tuesday.

00:05:07 - 00:10:01

And on Tuesday, when I tested last Tuesday, it'll be a week for when this goes out. I did not have it on Monday, so I didn't think I had COVID, and I was just like, maybe this is just a cold 'cause I didn't have like a tracing event, right? But the only silver lie day here is that you were able to catch up all the ultimatum, which I was. Well, I was gonna say, I feel like the positive of all the positive, oh, I don't want to hear that word again. Is that we got it over with and hopefully we won't get it again for a while. Yeah. But we can't pause our lives. I don't know. To me, I was like, was it worth it? I'm not sure if it was worth it because we also have tickets for Coachella now that we can't no longer go to, but was it worth it in terms of I wanted to see people, I wanted to go to these events and I didn't want to be stuck at home again being scared of contracting COVID and it's extremely contagious right now and I'm kind of like the last of my friend circle to get it. I feel like I think like a lot of my friends have knocked on it but anyways I agree with you but then on the same token I wasn't even doing anything cool to get it. Well what I am scared of with COVID is this Julie NatGeo posted this saying that even a mild case of COVID can shrink part of your brain. And then recent brain imaging shows the disease can cause physical changes equivalent to a decade of aging and trigger problems with attention and memory. I have terrified of that as well. We actually recorded an episode while we were in the middle of our COVID symptoms and we survived. I thought we were holding it down. I mean, I'm really curious to see the playback on that one. In the moment, it sounded like we were holding it down. I was so nervous though. I was like, what if I don't know how to speak? Yeah, she like walks away. She's like, what the fuck was that? That makes no sense. Also, she was like, wait, you both have COVID? Yeah. But anyways, this week's episode was pre COVID where we recorded it, and it is a good one. It is all about, you know, your first real relationship, turning into the person that you end up with. So her name is Sydney. She is from the bachelor and the bachelorette franchise. She was also on bachelor in Paradise. I followed her journey for a while, but she is just a fascinating person because she went from having no relationships to now being engaged to her first actual relationship. Yeah, and I feel like, yes, many of you probably can't relate to being all the bachelor bachelorette, but I think a lot of people can't relate to this feeling of not having enough relationship experience. We hear this all the time and the fear it brings up of, do I know how to do relationships? Will this person think I'm not a good candidate because I've never been in a relationship or even if you actually get it to a relationship? How do I know it's the right person if I have nothing to compare it to? We were actually on Sydney's podcast. It's called something to share and as soon as she said that her first relationship is her now fiance, UA and I were both like, we need to get you on the show to talk about this. We need this. When you talk about this. And it's kind of related to what you were saying earlier, Julia the ultimatum. Back to that show. I've been wanting to talk about this for a week and finally UA has caught up. I binge watched it. I used to like you. I was like this premise is so dumb. But then I got sucked into it. And the casting is fantastic because I can't imagine going on a show like that with my partner. And then watching him date other people. If you haven't watched the show, the premise is couples come on the show because one person gave the other person an ultimatum of marriage, and the show basically is to test their relationship by having you choose another partner of another partnership, you know, someone else who came on the show for an ultimatum. And then you have a trial marriage with that other person for three weeks. And then you come back to your original partner for three weeks, and then you decide who you want to be with, or if you don't want to be with anybody at all. I just, I can not imagine watching my partner be with someone else. And that's what they had to witness that whole time. I know. It's the love is blind franchise at its best. It really is. I feel like a little bad talking about that reality show when it's the bachelor by it also isn't theme because it's reality TV and marriage at the end of the day. I was so my boyfriend and I were so captivated by this show. We read it to friends on Saturday night. We were at this outdoor music event, maybe that's where I got COVID, who does.

00:10:03 - 00:15:02

It was outdoors, so it felt so many possibilities. And we ran into them as we were leaving dinner. And they were like, oh, are you going to keep going to these events? We're like, we got to go home to watch salts of Adam, I'm sorry. We were so sucked into it. And I do want to do an episode about ultimatums. I feel like it's not a topic. We've talked about. It feels a little antiquated in my opinion, I think. Until now, it didn't seem like something that was happening that often, but I do see it on one side, I see if you've been with someone for a long time, and it's not moving in the direction should you want it to move. It's kind of like shit or get off the pot. I do see that side of it, but then on the other side, it's like, do I really want to be with someone because I force them to be with me? Yeah, and the reason why now I'm COVID brain is coming back. I'm like, why was I relating this to a Sydney? Is it because there are some couples on the show who haven't had much relationship experience and that is what's preventing them from wanting to marry their partners. For example, April and Jake, Jake just got out of the military, and he's like, in his early 20s, and he's kind of thinking, well, I don't know if you're the one. I haven't dated around. And she's like, she's 23 years old and she's like, I know you're the one. You're definitely the one for me. She was, she was my least favorite character, hands down. She adored the shit out of me. She was very memorable though. She was very memorable. I think though it's fascinating that they chose such a young cast. I was a little surprised by that, because I don't know, maybe this is my own, my own biases coming through. It's just the way we live in the country. I feel like when we're 23, I don't know that many people that were dying to settle down and get married have kids, and I'm sure there are people out there, but I feel like the ultimatum would have made sense to people were like ten years older than they were. And had been together longer for, I don't know, some of them had been together for like a year and a half, two and a half years. Also, Netflix changed some of their ages. Oh. It was disclosed that some of them were actually in their 30s. And they made them younger. That's fucked. I don't understand that. Oh, I wonder why they did that. Probably just to like, you know, have that young hot vibe. I don't know, it's weird. That is weird because I was going to say probably people in their 30s who are giving their partners ultimatums don't want to go on a Netflix show. But like a dumb 22 year old's like, yeah, that was too thin. Well, I just think it's funny that there were so many people that were like, I was forced to go on this. And it's like, you weren't forced to go at it, you know? I don't know. But I think the paid. Yes. The April and Jake scenario, I think what was, I'm not going to give too many spoilers for anyone that hasn't watched, but it was really interesting because he was that scenario that fell into something. Clearly, actually wasn't happy. It wasn't a relationship that he felt seen and heard it. It did take seeing this experience to see what else is out there and how he could feel in a relationship. So I feel like there's not a clear cut answer. Do you need a lot of experience to know? I still think that you can draw on past relationship experiences you have, even if they're not romantic, to understand how you want to feel in a relationship. So when you see that, when you find that person, you'll know it, whether you've had significant others or dot, but it was fascinating for him that he was that person that, you know, he did kind of need to see what else was out there. And maybe that's just a reflection of age, his own self awareness his old self approved. It's not always a factor of just not having enough partners. If you are unsure about your partner, sometimes it does make sense to date other people to see what's out there to figure out how you feel about your current person. But if you feel really secure about your current person and you haven't had much relationship experience, it really doesn't matter at that point because you already feel good about that person. Right, like what is it that's holding you back from next steps, especially with ultimatums. I think, I don't know, I think especially at that age, I could see why people are hesitant to be married. That guy, I'll use him as an example. He just got out of the military. He didn't have a ton of life experience. He didn't know who he was. He didn't know what he wanted to do with his life. I could see why he wasn't ready to just settle down at that point. Have you ever given an ultimatum before? No. I've definitely, I'm trying to think, like, not in the very literal sense. I mean, I think I've definitely given this if you're not ready to commit moving on. So I guess that's like tide of adults made it, but we were never together to begin with. I've never given one in the sense of where together, and they're not ready to make that next step.

00:15:03 - 00:20:02

I have not done that. Me neither. But I have had friends who've done that with their partners. Yeah. Did it work either? TBD, TBD. I don't ever feel like I need to convince someone to be with me or for someone to be with me. It doesn't feel good if you get married to someone because you made them get married to you. I do have a friend that got close to it and they're happily married now. And I do see that side of it though. I remember her being like, I think about anything. We knew that he was going to propose. And we're like, don't do that. Don't do that. It's going to be any day now. But I do get it's like, especially they get up in four years. She's like, I don't want to keep putting time into this. If they're not willing to take the next step with me. And I think that's very logical, right? That's normal to feel that way. But then, you know, things did end up working out. He ended up getting to the same point as her. Did the extra pressure of her help a little? Maybe it's debatable, right? There's a couple ways of thinking about it. It's like, I don't want to force someone, but then some people are just very resistant to change, even though it's what they want is to move forward. Doing nothing is easier than doing something. There's no behavioral science that backs that up. So sometimes people do need a little push to move in the direction that you're trying to go together. Well, Nick Lachey and one of the earlier episodes says psychologists would say ultimatums aren't the best at resolving your current problems, but it is great at getting to answers. So I think that's what ultimately what it is. It's a test of your relationship and getting to the answers that you're looking for. And it's not so much like, are you fucking going to marry me or not? It's like, are you even thinking about that with me? Maybe that's the answer, right? Are you even in that mindset? Do you even see a future with me? Right. Well, we could go on a whole tirade on this. How much hours, but we're going to stop if you also watch the ultimatum, let us know. Hit us up on Instagram. Start a Facebook post. We have not seen any Facebook posts yet about the alternative. Which is shocking because most of the time when I do reality TV dating show hits the air, there's always a post. And I know Janice has been watching 'cause she's been following me. Oh, my God. I noticed. I was gonna say our moderator Janice every time I look at people from love is blind. We're calling you out right now. We know you're listening. We're calling you out and we do it with love. It's hilarious. I have the go to person no matter who it is of these casts is always her that's followed. Always Janice. So. Anyways, we have a great episode of store. We're going to move on from it. Announcements, you know, we've already said to hit us up on Instagram and join Levin's time of Corona so we could talk about the ultimatum, but also share this with a friend. You probably have a friend that maybe doesn't feel like they've enough relationship experience or maybe they're dating someone that feels like they don't have enough relationship experience or someone that feels burnt out with dating. I think everyone knows someone like that or is that person and Sydney definitely talks about her journey and it's a good reminder that things can change in a second. Or maybe you have a friend who has COVID and who doesn't who doesn't want to watch TV and just wants to listen to some episodes of dateable yes said it to them. It's a healing podcast, okay? Whatever your friend could take from this episode, we could give them. There's something for everyone here. Okay, so let's get into it with Sydney. Sydney, thank you so much for being with us today. You are on tour with the bachelor live in concert. You're in Charleston. So thank you for taking the time out to chat with us. So who is Sydney la tuaca. She's 30 years old, lives in Cincinnati, Ohio, but currently in Charleston. She's originally from Virginia Beach, and she is engaged. Now, it's very interesting. She was on the bachelor season 23 with Colton, and she's also the host of the something to share podcast, but what we find most interesting is that you haven't been in a relationship until your current fiance. Yes. Tell us more about that. Where were you in your love life when you met your fiance? You nailed that intro, by the way. That was amazing. So before I got into this relationship with my fiance, we've been dating for probably two years now before we got engaged, I was single. So I was living in New York City. I am professional dancer, which is why I'm on tour right now. I'm dancing with bachelor, which has been great, but I was at the time living in New York City trying to date going on app dates being set up by Friends, all of the things, and just really not having any luck.

00:20:03 - 00:25:02

And by this time I was around 27, doing everything I thought that would work to find the right person, putting myself out there, but I just didn't have much luck. So when the bachelor came around, my friend had known about an audition in New York City and had told me that I should go because she knew I was super single, and I hadn't been dating anyone officially or long term. So I was like, you know what? That sounds hilarious. That sounds like it would be an interesting experience. So I went to an open call, one afternoon. As a joke, as a joke. It was literally a joke. I went with a friend, and we thought this would be funny. And we did not expect it to go anywhere from there. The open call itself was like a whirlwind there was so many women there lined up around the block. So excited about the open call being in New York and just about the opportunity of the show and I was like, oh, I did not realize what this all was. So yeah, it was not expecting really much from it, especially not being in a relationship before that. I always had fear around not knowing how to be in a relationship or a guy would think I wasn't ready for a relationship if we got to that point. So I always had that fear, but I needed to try something different because everything I was trying was definitely not working. So that led me to that insane show, the bachelor. So we definitely want to get into that, but I kind of want to go back to your daily life. And you said that, you know, you have this fear because you weren't in a relationship before. Can you kind of walk us through some of those dates, maybe even just earlier than your 20s of like where you were when it came with two relationships? Was it always a priority to find someone or how did that play out for you? Yes, so I think upon reflection, I grew up dancing. So I think in the back of my mind, I always was in fear that a relationship would interrupt my career path or my focus on what I was doing. So I think in the times of me going on dates and doing all the things, I think I was looking for something real in a relationship, but I always had fear deep down that even if I were to find someone I liked that it would interrupt my trajectory or what I thought I was doing and that was always a fear that I think I was bringing in subconsciously probably and within dating in general my experience was just like a lot of fear around not knowing how to be in a relationship. So I think I was coming in to dates like that. I know dating is supposed to be super fun and I approached it somewhat as fun but I think in the back of my mind I wasn't fully ready yet, which I think came across and the dates that I either was experiencing or the guys I went out with or just how I was in general showing up to all the dates that I had. What was the longest situation you've had? I had one situation in New York that lasted I want to say off and on for like maybe four months, but most of it was off. The other thing that I was dealing with at the time or not dealing with but also was an experience of mine was that I because I hadn't had relationships growing up. I didn't have that physical experience yet. So for most of my original dating experience, I was dating as a virgin. So until like 27. So that was another thing I was kind of bringing to the table, so my first situation that I'm referring to was around four months and I think we met out randomly at a bar in New York and I think I thought he was different because he actually approached me, which wasn't a common experience for me in New York. I just felt like I wasn't being asked out much. It was really hard for me to find something solid or like a guy that was pursuant of me. I just didn't feel like I had that experience. So when he approached me in a bar, he wasn't even very chivalrous just like he talked to me in a bar and asked me out like the next week it was nothing super special but for whatever reason the eyes and my mindset of dating in New York at the time I was like, oh, this is what I'm charming does. He approaches you at a bar and that's pretty much it. So the dream for somebody people right now. Very, very minimum at the time. So we went on a couple dates and I just knew from my other experiences with certain bumble dates or different little dates I went on that it always got to the point of that physical and then there was a line drawn in the sand. So I think for the men I was going out with, it was either like they saw me as I had to be in a relationship with this girl because I can't take something like that that she's held onto for so long or I can't get what I want and we can't just hook up. So it was just like be serious with me or we can't hook up. That's what their mindset was. I don't think I necessarily had that mindset going into it but that was what I was perceived as if that makes sense. So going back to that situation ship we had like a little bit of a fling happened and I eventually ended up actually losing my virginity to him. I don't know if that's TMI, but it was not at all for me.

00:25:04 - 00:30:11

A choice I made, I just felt like ready for that experience and it was never for me about finding the one to have that experience. It was more of just like finding someone that I trusted. Should I have given him that offering? No, I should not looking back. I should have weighed probably a lot longer. But I think at the time I was just like, I want to have this experience. I feel like I can have this at least right now with this person. And I'm not attached emotionally yet. So I wanted to have that experience. I just felt like ready. So yeah, we had a little small relationship and then he ghosted me pretty much after he took my virginity, which was super fun. So he goes Sydney. And then I was like, oh, great. That was not the right choice, perfect. So then he did the submarine thing where he would come back later on. Submarine. He was a big submariner. So he came back a few months later. We tried it out again. And then I got to explore, I think, more of that physical. So it was kind of like an exploration for me. We did that for like off and on maybe a month, and then he disappeared again. And then, and then he came back around, I would say like a month later, and then I was like, you know what? We can't do this anymore. I am not getting anything from this. You're string me along. It's making me uncomfortable. I would love to not do this anymore. And he was like, oh, well, we should be Friends. Maybe that's a good plan for us. I was like, you know what? No? No. As a friend, I'm good here. And I think he was like, oh, actually, that's super cool. I thought you would want more for me out of this, so great. We don't need to be friends. We don't need to hook up any more perfect. Bye, nothing. He wasn't the right guy for sure, but I mean, I guess a good learning experience for me that I should have stuck to my guns as far as what I was looking for. Did he know that he took your virginity? Oh, he fully know. He took it and then ran. Especially. Did you have like a lot of feelings towards him? Or was it kind of just like this is someone that I can start to see myself dating? It was the second. I think I had more of a feeling not towards him, but the situation just because I explained why I had been waiting and he knew that and he was like a little hesitant about taking it, but then he did and then he knew he did, but then still ran away. So that was really hard for me to take in. I think I more had anger from the whole situation. But yeah, that was my experience. So from then, I was like, okay, I'm a free agent. Now I can explore this side of myself, which I did. I think with other very small relationships. But yeah, it wasn't until a lot of other the bachelor and then dating my now fiance that I was like, oh, this was actually what I should have waited for, but that wasn't my experience. Yeah. So a lot of times people think people must be religious or there might be some reason why you wait to lose your virginity. Was there anything on your side or was it more just like the experienced in a present itself? Yeah, I actually am not super religious and more spiritual, so it wasn't about religion for me, which I think was interesting. I think I was just always really shy growing up and really in my shell and protected myself and I think I was also served the messaging of like to be in a relationship could affect my career and things I just was always kind of given that messaging. So on the back of my mind, I was like, well, I'm going to hold on to this, Elise. If I don't get that away, I'm not giving that side of myself away. So I don't know. I just was something that I wanted to wait until I was fully ready. So then by me having that experience and like sleeping with that man, I can't say I regret it, but I know I could have waited longer and I almost wished that I had because I had waited 27 years until I had that experience. So yeah, I think just my whole adolescence and I wasn't necessarily waiting for the one. I was just waiting for someone who was worthy of it. Ended up making the wrong choice, but yeah, where did you get that message? Was it your upbringing, your Friends? I mean, I'm trying to pinpoint exactly where I perceived that. I want to say it was like a combination of my career path and like my dad essentially being like, you're not allowed to say you're not a lot of date, but he was basically like you're not a lot of date and you preferred that I didn't. So I think it was just like a mix of all of that, which led me on this righteous path of holding on to my virginity until. I gave it away. Yeah, I think it was just like a combination of a few things where I was like, okay, I think this feels right for me for right now. You're in your mid to late 20s. You lose your virginity, you're now a free agent, you're able to explore this other sexual side of yourself. And then this bachelor opportunity pops up, which in your words you said could be hilarious. Okay? So you go to the open call and you get on the show, what did you expect out of the show? What was that whole experience like? Yeah, so I think I wanted something new.

00:30:11 - 00:35:01

I felt like I tried certain avenues of dating and approaching it from different ways. I felt very frustrated, especially after having that experience that I had and some other dates just gone badly and just not feeling like I was getting even close to what I was looking for. So when the opportunity presented itself, I was like, oh, that sounds like a fun afternoon, but it will probably never happen when it did happen and when it was offered to me, I just, I think I took it as I've spent so much of my life focusing on career in dance and pushing off romantic relationships and almost keeping myself guarded like this could be my chance to not let myself do that and almost do the exact opposite of what I'm used to. So that's how I approach the experience. I think I went into it kind of romantically where I was like, oh, this could be my chance to really dive into feeling the feelings and potentially falling in love and seeing what that person is like. Because I didn't know that side of myself. And that side of myself scared me, but also was super intriguing to me and I felt like that experience could potentially open up that part of myself. Unfortunately, it did not. Well, unfortunately, you went on a season where the bachelor is gay. Love and light, but yeah, so going on the show, I try to do all those things. I try to be open and be opposite of the Sydney that I was normally. In dating and I did not receive it back, unfortunately. And now all these years later, I could see why that was maybe the case, considering who my bachelor was. It's not like anyone's fault. It was just like, you know, there wasn't obviously a romantic connection happening. So when I was coming to him with my romantic side and opening up and telling him my life story, it was obviously not received. Great, because he wasn't attracted to me. You're just not his type. Unfortunately, no, so that made it a little challenging. But yeah, so I think I went into the whole experience like super open and romantic and hopeful and then left it feeling like, again. So I admit I'm not a huge bachelor watcher, but you have to be that Sid is really interesting because you left the bachelor. Midway through. So I want to hear more about that. Was it because you felt like, okay, I came to this to find a connection and I'm not, or what drove you to be like, I'm done with this. And before you answer that, I just want to caveat by saying most people stay on the bachelor or bachelor bachelorette to try to convince of that person to like them back. Most people don't leave when they don't feel like they're getting that reciprocal reciprocal affection. So it's very interesting that you were like, I'm out. I'm taking this into my own hands. Yes. So I, from how I was approaching it, and how open I felt I was being throughout the process. We got to, I think, the next week was hometowns, so like for me, that would have been really serious, like taking a man home to my parents who have never met a man before and I've never dated anyone before. That would have been like really a big deal for me. So getting to that place where I was like, okay, I don't know him very well. He's nice and we have like a decent time. But I don't know this person. I can't be like, dad. I want to marry this guy. I know you've never met anyone I've ever been dating and I know I've never done this before, but he's the one. I couldn't lie to myself and do that. And I couldn't do that to my family. So with that in the back of my mind, just knowing the timeline of everything, I was like, okay, well, we could maybe get there if he gave me the things that I need in order to potentially take him home to my family, but we were nowhere close. So I got to that point. It was kind of like drawing a line in the sand where I was like, okay, I've done all these things. I've tried different ways of connecting with him. I've tried telling him different stories. I've tried to be fun. I try to be like serious or try to be whatever. And I'm not getting much under from under the surface with him. So this is going to be like my last rock because we're getting down to the wire here. So I went into that last night that I was there fully not planning to leave the show. That was not in the plan. I didn't pack my bags, so if you don't know the show while if you don't pack your bags and you end up leaving, you can't go back to the hotel and pack your bags. Someone has to pack for you. So if I would have known that, I would have packed because I got a lot of stuff got lost. Anyway, so I went into that night and I was like, if I was in the, if I was in the real world here, and this was how a guy was treating me. Would I stay in this? What I keep pushing. And the answer was no because disregard that earlier situational shift.

00:35:02 - 00:40:07

The answer was now if this was actually a relationship I was pursuing, I wouldn't want to stay in this this would not be enough for me. So I knew that and I knew the things that I needed in order to get there. So I was like, okay, here's my plan. I'm going to go tell him that. I'm going to lay it all on the line here and can you do this for me? Can you get to where I would hope that you would get with me or is there more here than I'm not seeing or I just needed to know from him because he would give me a lot of really nice answers when nothing that made me feel solid or feel really much of anything. So I was like, okay I'm going to go and hopefully he will hear what I have to say and be like, no, I have seen this about you and this is how I feel about you and this is what I think we can do and I wanted to get you here and he did not give me any of that. He gave me again a really nice button up answer, really lovely response. And I was like, got it. Well, I mean, I was laying it out there and I told myself if he's not going to give me what I need, then I have to walk away. And that's exactly what happens. So I was like, cool, I have my answers. I see now that we can't get to where I would hope that we would want to be. If you're going to be meeting my family, so I was like, the answer is very clear now. I must leave. Which sucked because again, I wasn't prepared to leave. It is a very fun and exciting experience. And with the fact that I was so hopeful for a potential romance to happen for me, I was like a very hard pill for me to swallow, but the answer was clear. So I ended up leaving that night and flew home by myself and all of a sudden the bubble was popped and I was like, what just happened? So yes, that was back in reality. Yeah. Did you have true feelings for him? I felt for him, like he is a very kind person. I could feel just from my time with him that is just like felt like he was holding back a lot and I didn't know at the time what that could have been. It just felt like there was something he was holding onto and I just felt like there was a wall between us that we couldn't cross and I was trying my best. I almost saw him as like my experiment for me to see if I can be really open and see if I can tap into other sides of myself. But when I was trying that and almost felt like I was throwing stuff out of wall, so I just felt I felt disconnected for those reasons. So when everyone was like, oh, he's so great. And he saw this. I was like, oh, that's nice. I'm just not experiencing that. So that's obviously like, you did mention some positives that came from it. The fact that you didn't have that much dating experience, this allowed you to have that a relationship experience. This almost gave you that relational experience. Were there any other positives that came from your experience on the bachelor that ended up helping you out when you now met your husband? Yes, so I would say what I mostly learned was like, I have the qualities of being able to be in a relationship. I think that was a big fear for me. I think the other great part about the show is that you are constantly talking about your experience in your love life, whether you're doing interviews or not, like it's a deep dive into that whole side of yourself. So I was able to really get a lot of insight into who I was, what I was looking for, why might have not had the success in dating yet and how I kind of wanted to move forward and what I was looking for. So I think I learned my strength that I had that I didn't necessarily believe I had going into it. That was a really scary for me to do. So I think I was like, oh, I can do really challenging things for me and really crazy experiences and I'll be okay. And I also just learned like, oh, I can sit and talk with a guy and be like, almost being in a relationship. I can do that. I don't have to have these one offs all the time and I'll have to feel like bad in dating so much. Like I can stand on my own and I can be proud of myself and I can ask for what I want out of relationship. So I think that those are my takeaways. That's what I tried to gather from the experience that wasn't what I thought it would be. Let's hold that thought for a few quick messages. This episode is brought to you by the baby or bus podcast. Did you know that one in 8 couples struggle with fertility that's over 7 million people in the U.S. alone and the risk of miscarriage? It's more common than breast cancer or diabetes. The challenges of your fertility journey, we don't talk about them enough. We assume that when you're ready to have kids, it will be easy, but that just isn't the case for everyone. The journey can be expensive, mystifying and full of disappointment and shame. But there is hope. You are not alone on the new podcast baby or bust host Dr. Laura shaheen, an o-b-gyn and reproductive endocrinologist, answers your questions dispels the myths and transforms disappointment into hope the show explores questions such as should I put my hips up afterwards. When do you know it's a right time to have a baby do hot tubs really kill sperm? Join doctor shaheen each week for practical approaches for your fertility journey. You are not alone, really. Find baby or bust on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. This episode is brought to you by drizzly. If you look for it every day has cause for celebration, celebrate a friend for their promotion, baby, wedding life thing, celebrate yourself for keeping the couch warm.

00:40:08 - 00:45:04

It's no easy feat, especially if it's a big couch. Or maybe you just want to celebrate living in 2022, where you can get beer, wine, and spirits deliver from drizzly in under 60 minutes without leaving, said, couch. No wonder drizzly is the number one app for alcohol delivery. And remember to share the love, you can get alcohol delivered to your friends and your coworkers and a nice surprise. Right now, drizzly is giving all new customers $5 off their first order, with the code fast 5. So download the drizzly app or go to drizzly dot com that spelled DRI Z, LY dot com and use the promo code fast 5 that spelled FAST number 5 for $5 off your first order. You're welcome. Have you ever thought about how much better dating would be if you had a whole army of people supporting you along the way? We know that dating can be frustrating and lonely, but it can also feel fulfilling and fun. Have you recently decided you want to make some changes to your love life? Maybe you've recently reentered the dating scene. Maybe you've gone on one too many dates that went nowhere, or maybe you're just ready to take your current relationship to the next level. That is exactly why we created the sounding board, a true extension of our podcast that delivers a personalized experience, which includes monthly office hours where you can drop in and chat with us about anything. Weekly sound offs with guided discussions and regular virtual happy hours, allow Julie and I to become your dating sherpas to provide real-time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can all navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. Again, that's dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. While coming out of the bachelor, I just want to put myself in your shoes at this point. You haven't had the best of experiences with relationships. You had interesting experiences, but probably not the best. So then, suddenly you get a DM, how did this DM turn into your now fiance? Yes. Okay, so before the DM happened, there was bachelor and then it was like a few months and then there was Paradise where I see something again. Paradise came in once. I went on and I again went on for romantic reasons and again didn't really find it, but I had a great time. It was great. But I received a DM for my now fiance. I want to say it was like at the beginning of 2020. He, it was his guilty pleasure to watch the bachelor. He did it on Monday nights with his roommate at the time and they would sit down and they would watch the show. So he originally watched me on Colton season and took a liking to me, which is I think also really special to me because I felt like so unwanted on my experience of Colton's season, like I just felt like not one of the cool girls, I felt like very not seen very all of those things, so when this guy reached out to me, and mind you, it wasn't like, hey, I like you. Let's talk. It was like, he would respond to a lot of the things I would put up on social media. He would respond to a lot of my stories or I would put up question stickers all the time and he always responded with really funny things or really interesting things. And I was always like, oh, I always know I'm going to get something from this guy. Never looked at his profile, never really know, dived into that any further. But I was like, oh, he's always, I always can trust that he's going to respond to certain things. So it wasn't until 2020 where I started responding back to him. And the pandemic had just started and we were all back on our phones and our homes and very bored and I got into a long conversation with him one day and I was like, who is this person? I know I've talked to him before. He's always been really funny, so I went and looked at his profile and I was like, oh. He's cute. He's super cute. He's actually my age. He's actually my age. You never know. You never know. That you don't know. So yes, he was my age, and I was like, okay, let's keep talking to him. Let's see what this could be. So we kept talking for like a few days via DMs. And the conversation went very, very well. And I was like, okay, let's just keep talking. Like, what do I have to lose here? So we just DMed for, I think, like, two days straight, and then he gave me almost an ultimatum at the end of these DMs. He was like, it's been great talking to you. I don't want to take up any more of your time, but if you're ever in Cincinnati, hit me up and gave me his number. So then I sat there and I was like, shit, he kind of tossed the ball in my court. Where were you at this time, which location? So I was originally on tour at the beginning of 2020 tour shut down and I was back in my home Virginia Beach. Got it. So I was just in my own I was in my childhood bedroom, you know, talking to the sky online that I had never met before. It was very complex high school. Super high school, super cute. So he sent me his number and I was like, well, I really like talking to him, why not? So I texted him almost, I want to say not even a minute later.

00:45:05 - 00:50:03

I texted him and he did not expect that. And so from text, we just kept texting all the time. And then one day, during the pandemic, I just cold FaceTime him, didn't warn him, didn't tell him I was gonna FaceTime him, just FaceTimed him out of the blue, and then we talked for like three hours that night. Wow. Can you talk and talk and talk. So we created this really interesting bond over the phone and I was like sneaking up to my childhood bedroom every night. So you go FaceTime the stranger who he obviously ended up not being so much of a stranger after three months. And it was like the height of the pandemic where you're doing like Zoom happy hours and hanging out was a house party and playing games. So I had met his friends on Zoom and all these things. So it was a very interesting way to date. So cut to three months later, we had been talking and we built a strong relationship. We were almost dating on the phone. It was very interesting. But we really wanted to meet each other in person because we had gotten to the point where we're like, okay, this is going super well, but I need to know that this is actually something and I'm not just like wasting my time sneaking up to my childhood bedroom bedroom to talk to this guy that I actually won't like in person. So we crafted a plan. It was still someone in the pandemic and I wanted to be really safe. So I was like, okay, how about I fly to you and we meet in person, I'll fight us in snap and I'll stay for a few days and then you'll drive me back to Virginia and then I'll like quarantine in the house there or something. So that's what we did. And but then the problem was I had to tell my parents that I was going to be flying to Cincinnati to meet a stranger. At all. So they did not like that very much. So it took some convincing of my parents, but we eventually were allowed, you know? They eventually let me fly. I was like, well, like this, if I was in LA right now or living in my apartment, I wouldn't necessarily ask you whether I could go or not just because I'm at home that you want to have a say. So I flew and what I think helped us was having strong boundaries around it where we were like, if safe, I get there and we hate each other. It's not what we thought. Either one of us can say that openly, like I could either get a hotel, he was like, I'll go stay with my parents, you could stay here. And then we'll figure out how to get you home. So we had that set up before I even got there. So there were almost remove the pressure of like we need to hit this off and we need to be dating after this. So that made me feel comfortable because as you know from my past eating experiences, I didn't really do stuff like this, I didn't know. Whirlwind romances where I just fly to places. So that's what I did. So we met up in person and I also was like, I'm going to kiss you right away. I want to get it out of the way, and I want to wait around and see what see what this could be. I want to just get this out of the way, so we're not waiting for this thing to happen. So we did. Yeah, and then other things happened as well. But at first meeting, let's get all of those out of the way. Show me your penis. See everything to go. From the notebook where they strip down naked before where they not that in the airport, you're just doing it just like we're just taking off pieces of show me. Show me your student loans. Show me your credit score. Let's talk. Well, that was a thing. It's like all of those conversations were had before. Marriage and kids questions were already out there because you only have so much that you can talk about over the phone. That's true. A lot was talked about. It was the physical that we hadn't been able to do. So the test of this was physical. So you clearly hit it off physically since you're now engaged. Yeah, things worked out. Yeah. How did this after this? Were you just instantly a couple or was there more progression? Yeah, so going back to that. So yes, so I stayed there for a few days, and then he drove me back home. So I immediately met his family. So then we were kind of on hyperdrive from this point out really meant his family just because of circumstances and we hit it off with them and then he was driving me home and then after a few days he was going to meet my family. So it was like hometown's right then and there. So we kind of sped things up and then we were doing long distance. So we kind of started dating just from that point. I think the test of me meeting him in person was the nonverbals that I can't really get over the phone. He mean to waiters, will he hold the door? Well, does he smell weird? I don't know. I don't know this or my phone. So things like pheromones, like, I don't know if this is going to be the same thing. Turned out I was fine. But I've also heard from people who had a similar of talking for a long period of time during the pandemic and doing FaceTime who had the opposite experience. So I'm very thankful that it worked out the way it did. I think looking back on it because we had so much time to talk and so much time to get to know each other. I trusted him fully, which is very interesting. Because it kind of removed all of the nuances of dating.

00:50:03 - 00:55:07

There wasn't like a lot of courting, but I knew I knew him to a core because I talked to him about everything before we had to even connect it in person. So from there we were doing long distance, so he would drive ten hours to see me in ten hours back. So he was fully committed. He was doing the work too, which I also appreciated. And then I decided to fly to Cincinnati for a month in August of 2020, and I was going to go back to my apartment in LA. So when a food August in 2020, I never left. Okay. And then a month turned into me moving in. So yes, like I said, we want a hyperdrive. So we started talking in March. I was living there by August. Crazy. But is that crazy? How long? Okay, for the bachelor. How long are you on the bachelor until hometowns? I want to say it's like a month and a couple weeks. Yes. Exactly. And then people get engaged after that. So this is actually slow. So maybe this is like, we should have been retired with 8 kids by now. Exactly. You're behind. Yeah, so I'm very behind. So yeah, I think maybe helping that help that I was already in that headspace of things happening really fast. But I think at the time I was like, okay, I'm going with the flow of what's working and what's working right now is this relationship and like we just really get along. What's not working is career stuff and everything shut down and all of my normal life is not working so I'm going to focus on this and just kept going. So you know what's interesting. It's like in earlier times. It wasn't expected that you had a zillion relationships before you met your person. That wasn't the expectation. But nowadays it almost is. It's kind of like, oh, well, you can't just settle down with the first person you meet. Like, what about all these other people? Well, you know what you want? Well, you know what's out there? Did you ever have any of these feelings or were you just kind of like, nope, this is working? I'm sticking with it. So I had those feelings a lot dating. Whether it was me feeling that or other people putting that on me, like thinking like, oh you, I think that happened to me a lot in Paradise, a lot of the men were like, oh, you've never had a relationship before and kind of wrote me off because of that. Right. So then I think internally I kind of wrote myself off. But I think I was just like waiting for the right person to show all of the parts of me that I knew I had. I just held out for a very long time. I think I just had a lot of fear that I wouldn't be able to do it, but I verbalized that fear a lot. I told my now fiance that, hey, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't tell me if there's some cues about relationships or things that most people know that I don't, and from what I learned, there's really not a lot that I didn't know. There really wasn't a lot of things that I had missed through my experience, which and I think with him being so understanding of that. And so willing to work with me or meet me where I was at, I was able to open up and continue exploring that. I think if it was someone who was judging it or didn't go kind of my pace, I think it would have been a lot harder for us to develop as fast as we did, but because he understood where I was at and I kept explaining like I don't get this or if I'm missing something, let me know. I think that definitely helps. But yeah, I always tell people that you can do relationships. You've been in relationships with friends or family. Totally. She said different form of that. We have listeners all the time that say this, that they're very concerned. And so it sounds like what I'm gathering from what you said. It sounds like it was more of yourself doubt than doubting like there was something missing with the current relationship. That felt. Yeah, exactly. Was there ever a moment where your fiance felt like you should really date around before you get married? 'cause I've had, I've seen Friends where one person has more experience than the other. It's like, you sew your wild oats first. And then come back. And I'm sure people have said that to you, too, outside of your fiance. Happened and what do you say to that? It didn't with him. I also felt like I almost saw everything I needed to see in dating. I didn't really feel like I missed out on anything or I just, I feel like I tried a lot of different dates and things and just didn't fully get the experience with him and I we almost knew like we knew that each other I don't want to say like the one but that's how we felt from the very beginning. So I don't think we experienced that personally and I also don't ever think like, oh, I'm missing out or oh, I should have had these others experiences. I'm good. Go back and do that. But I know for some people, I think everyone's different with it or some people need to try everything under the sun and try different experiences and have like crazy heartbreak. I just didn't feel like I needed to have that to understand what I was fully looking for. Because I think as long as I was going on these dates and I was trying these new experiences, I was always doing my own self work and analyzing constantly like, okay, this had a little bit of this, this guy had this.

00:55:08 - 01:00:02

Don't like that. I like this quality so see if we can find that and what did I like about myself in that experience and like how can I do better in the next one? So it's always constantly trying to be better and do better, which I'm still doing in the relationship I am in that work constantly like I need to work on this thing. I didn't realize this was a thing I did or I didn't know that this would be an issue, but I'm going to work on it stuff like that. I mean, I feel like that is kind of the angle for most people is to find that person that they're super in love with and happy with. So it is kind of ironic that we feel like we need to go through all these experiences. Obviously experiences can help us grow. But at the same time, if you find that right away, I don't think anyone should ever feel like, oh, they missed out on it. It's like, oh, do you need to be ghosted ten times? Probably not. You can learn from it, but you don't need that to happen. Yeah, exactly. And I think what I did that helped me was I always try to look to relationships that I really sought for myself. So whether that was like Friends and relationships, I saw qualities that they had or it was like people on TV where I was like, oh, that's something I would really like in a partner. So I could identify it for myself easier where I had a better understanding of what it was what it was I was actually searching for instead of just blindly waiting for something to show up. I was constantly like, okay, what is it what is that actually look like for me? What is the picture that I'm seeing for myself? So let's get into that because we do have listeners who haven't been in many relationships and their questions like how do I know when I found the right person for me? What does that even look like? So one is looking at other relationships that you really aspire to have, what else? Like how did you know that your current fiance was the right guy for you? I think a lot of it was there was no guessing game. Like he told me that. And there was never games. There was never, is he gonna text me back? Should I try this thing? And we did it different experience where we were only talking via FaceTime, but there was never a question mark of how he felt about me, how I felt about him. We were very open with that and open about what we wanted down the road. So I think when something's right, you can ask the crazy questions about marriage and kids or what you're looking for because they're not running away from it. They're like receptive of it and they want to have those conversations too. So that was a huge difference for me where I felt like, oh, I can talk about these things and it's not weird or scary or hard to bring up because we just already do that. And he always makes sure I know how he feels about me and continues to do that. And I would say other things if you feel like the type of person that needs to have different experiences than like go have those experiences like put yourself out there and try it, I for me it was like just getting super clear on what I was that I was looking for and recognizing when it wasn't the thing that I was asking for looking for when the FY came in and treated me badly or had a date that was not it. I wasn't like, oh, maybe I'll keep trying. It was like, nope, right. That's not the door. Let's try it different one. So I think yeah, you left the bachelor mid season because of that. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. But it's tough. I know I've been in those experiences too where you're just like, oh, but he kind of has some qualities and, you know, he could be there. I remember I want to date right before the show. And we had an amazing day. He cooked me dinner. He was older. He had a really good job. He was super funny. We danced in his living room, and I started doing that future projecting like seeing myself in his life thing, which I wouldn't recommend. And he goes to me. He goes to me. A week later, he said he had a dental emergency. Whatever that means, and I never heard from him again. So I think he's dead. I don't know. Yeah, it's really bad, apparently. That's what I told myself. And then I did the whole stocking him on Facebook at the time and figuring out what happened to him and a lot of things. But you know what? It's okay, you know? I don't remember what was going with that story. But I've had those experiences too, where you've felt like an almost for me, like those are the qualities I was looking for and I could have seen where this could have gone. And it was not it wasn't it. He didn't express the same feelings or wants that I did, because he didn't show that to me. Okay, so you meet in March 2020, you're moved, you're moving in by August 2020, then what is the rest of the relationship look like? Like, when did you get engaged? All that. Yeah, so I moved in in August. And what's interesting about when you move in with someone is that honeymoon period kind of doesn't happen just because you're now living and you see everything and you're always together and it was like so fun and we were playing house basically for a while and it was really great but there's no like there is and there isn't a honeymoon phase. You get to see a lot. So we had a very interesting relationship and that we'd never really dated.

01:00:02 - 01:05:03

We never really did all of those things that you do and starting a relationship. We're kind of doing that now in a way more. Now that the world's more open, we're going back to the dating and that kind of stuff, which is interesting. But we so we were dating, I guess, for like a year and a half after that. And then we got engaged in December of 2021. Yeah, right before this new year. So yeah, we just kept doing it. We basically just turned into a little family, like his dog became my dog and I found work in Cincinnati and was working on my podcast from home at the same time. And then I just redid his entire home with all of my things and moved in all my stuff and we just basically kept, we just turned into basically a married couple. It was very interesting, but yeah, we got engaged, then I think like a year later after I moved in. And you've been talking about marriage this whole time, pretty much since the beginning. Yeah, I always said that that's what I was looking for, and that's what I wanted, not like I needed it right away, but we knew pretty early on that we wanted to marry each other. It was like never a question. He told me the other day that when I was walking to his car from the airport when he first picked me up that he knew, like then. Wow. When we first were in person. So I think because of the early conversation and just us being so on the same page that it was never really a question that we wanted to marry each other, were you in constant convo is about it or were you surprised when he actually proposed? We were in constant conversations about a was never. And I think what helped for him, I feel like with a lot of times with guys I don't want to generalize, but if they see their friends all getting married or if they're like family members are getting married and they're kind of in that headspace or they're seeing a lot around them, they're fully ready for it. So that's his brother had gotten married. He just his brother had just had a kid, so he was kind of already in that mindset. So it wasn't like me having to convince him to be ready. He was already fully ready. So it just continued to be a conversation and we decided I think that we were going to get ready. He had told me he wanted to get married before the end of last year. So I knew that before we even fully decided when it was going to happen. So I always knew like, okay, I have a few months telling engaged. But yeah, I think the conversation just kept we just kept discussing it, essentially, and it was never really, again, it was never a question for me whether that was going to happen or not. I feel like personally that's the best way to like the movies and everything tells us that it's just like the surprise and you're not going to be a surprise. I feel like it's so much better, even though it's not as romantic, but it's more practical in a partnership. I wanted to pick out my ring. I wanted to know exactly what I was going to wear. There was no surprise I wanted out of that. I'm like, I have to wear this thing for the rest of my life. I don't need a surprise. You can surprise me with a watch, maybe, but not the ring. So I was very specific about that. He got to hit the surprise element was how he actually asked me. So that was where these I didn't know about that, which I liked. I love that. So I guess like what's one piece of advice you would have for someone that feels like maybe they don't have enough relationship experience. And having some of the same fears and no self critiques that you may have had early on. Like how do you help them get over that to now have what your experience, a loving, wonderful partnership. Exactly. I think it's a reframe for yourself. I think forever I told myself maybe you're not good enough or you don't know enough or you won't know how to do this thing that we're all looking for a lot of us are looking for relationships and I just had so much fear around it and it made me hold myself back and it made me maybe not pursue people or certain things I was looking for because I just felt like not worthy of it. So I would tell people to reframe that for yourself. Don't believe that you don't know enough because you haven't been in a relationship like even if you don't know everything, you're going to figure it out as long as you're open and as we did, I was just always open with my partner and always explained where I was at and how I was feeling and as much as you can be open in the process because the right person is going to be receptive to that and the right person is going to meet you where you're at and not judge you for not having that experience. It's almost can be a positive in some ways because you're not coming into this relationship with baggage or hang ups over past relationship. Exactly which a lot of times that can happen too. And I just say the element of being hopeful is very important even though you are going to have a lot of ups and downs with relationships and dating. I just always remind people to try and stay open and hopeful because you really never know when it's going to happen. I was if you were to tell me that I was going to meet my partner in a pandemic after trying all these weird dating experiences and going on a TV show for dating but I ended up meeting him in the middle of a pandemic like I would have thought you were insane. So it can truly happen. I know that's so annoying. Like when you lay 6 expect it. But if you are open and still putting yourself out there and getting very clear on what it is that you're looking for, it can happen. You've got to remain very hopeful that it will in the meantime.

01:05:03 - 01:10:01

How did you remain hopeful after the whole bachelor and bachelor in Paradise experience? I can see someone just want to crawl into a hole after all that. So let me reset. How did you remain hopeful and open? I mean, there was a lot of times where I would just go sit in the bathtub and cry myself, but you know, there was up to nouns with it, but in the back of my mind, I always knew that I was worthy of something really good and that I wanted that I needed that for myself when I was willing to wait as long as it took. I know I didn't do that with the virginity thing, but I was willing to wait as long as it took for the right person to really dive into that. So I just kept believing in that and kept pushing for that and kept saying hopeful was I always a 100% absolutely not, but we just got to keep keep pushing yourself like you often know yourself the best and you have to show up as your best self. So as long as you have that with yourself, you're going to be fine going into anything that you're looking for. I love the story so much. There's so many takeaways that I have. I think the first big one is we always say there's no right way to date. There's no one right way to date. And I think it's the same for dating experiences as well. Your story doesn't need to look like someone else's story. You don't need to go through every single situation that your friend goes through or whatever it may be. All you need to do is recognize what you need in a partnership and recognize when the right person comes along. I think so many times we get in our own heads with that, thinking like, oh, do I have enough data points? Do I know enough all that is not necessary? If you can trust yourself and what it is, that's important to you. So that's the first one. The other one I have too is it almost doesn't matter what your past relationship experience is because every relationship is different. And what you have built with this current person isn't what you build with someone else. So of course there's benefits of being at a relationship like more sex or a companion. But that may or may not play out either depending on the relationship you're in. So it's almost easy to say like, oh, I don't know enough because I haven't done this, but as long as you've had relationships in your life, which could be family, Friends, whoever you are equipped to have a relationship. And instead of looking at it like this person has been more experienced than I do, it's almost like, how can we build this new experience together? I think that's the most important thing with relationships. And we all have a different past. We all have a different story. And it ultimately doesn't matter as long as it brings us to current day together. Exactly. What I really admire about you, Sydney, is that you've stayed true to yourself through all of this and it's very hard to do once you've been on TV and you've gone through these experiments. I remember watching you on bachelor in Paradise and I was like, this is just who Sydney is. She is who she is and I like that the show didn't focus on you because you're not drama. You didn't bring in this other fake side of you because you were truly in this wanting to see if you're capable of loving someone capable of being in a relationship and you were curious to see if that romance could exist. And I think for everybody else, you don't have to go on the bachelor to realize this, but put yourself in situations where you are challenged to be more romantic to be more affectionate to show more of that loving side of you because something that we've talked about on this podcast is when you've been single for too long or for a long time or you haven't had all those experiences, you start blocking that side of yourself because you're just trying to be like this independent person, self sufficient but to truly love someone and carve out a space for someone else that takes skills and that takes time to build that up. So I really appreciate that you worked on that on the bachelor. I think something that Julie touched upon too is like all experiences are experiences and they don't have to be romantic relationships. It could be just a relationship with your barista that you see every morning or you've been with your pets. I never understood like the true feeling of giving my whole self to someone till I got a dog. I will fully admit that because as that is a creature that is solely dependent on me and after getting a dog, I realize I have the capacity to love someone more than I love myself. And that's really huge. And that's the experience. That's not a romantic relationship, although I would argue it's a very romantic relationship with my dog. And last but not least, check your DMs. I'm gonna check the ideas now. You never know who's DMing you. The universe is throwing you stuff, and sometimes there are nasty people that you don't want to talk to, but sometimes it could be your current fiance. Yeah, I love what you said too about intentionality because I think as soon as your intentional, that's when these opportunities tend to come in. And I feel like it's a little whoo whoo, but I believe the universe does here and see what we're trying to put out. So probably just getting that intentionality and I love how you went about it, even without past relationship experience, not they needs to stand in your way of getting intentionality.

01:10:01 - 01:13:35

And that's what will just, you don't need to go through all these experiences that just do a free for all if you can get intentional of what you're looking for. Yeah, that's huge. I love that. You got to really know yourself and stay true to that person for sure. And then the right person will show up. Eventually, if you keep at it, and then meet you, where you are. Sydney, where can people learn more about you? Absolutely. So a lot of that would probably be on social media. I'm on Instagram at Sydney lotto ACO, same with TikTok. I am also, I have a podcast at something to share podcast. And when we were on episodes, they were on this amazing episode all about dating. We have episodes every Wednesday. So come find me there. Yes, definitely. Check out my dues episode on Sydney's podcast. I loved it. It was so good. So good. Such a great combo. And this was such a great combo. Thanks again for taking the time out of your tour's schedule to chat with us and tell us about your story, your relationship with your fiance sounds very aspirational. And I think that's like a couple goals, right? You can do things backwards if you need to. If it works for you, it works for you, and people just need to find a way that works for them. For all of our listeners at home, you know what works for us is when you give us 5 stars in Apple podcasts, that truly works in our favor. We really love you for doing that. Maybe leave a little love note if you dare or would like to. We truly love that as well. Okay, so we're going to wrap up this episode. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. The next generation of Wi-Fi technology is here. And it's only from Xfinity. Supercharge your home with supersonic Wi-Fi. Connect hundreds of devices at once, and experience three times the bandwidth for more reliable connections. With advanced security that blocks billions of threats at home and now on the go. It's game changing next level Wi-Fi. Only from Xfinity. Go to Xfinity dot com slash supersonic to learn more. Restrictions apply actual speeds very enough guaranteed. Introducing Under Armour's infinity high sports bra, it's ergonomic design is molded to support the natural movement of your body. With cord out padding, the better breathability eliminates extra bulk without sacrificing support. And quick dry padding is Under Armour's fastest drying padding yet. When you're lifting heavy, running fast and pushing yourself further than ever before, you need a bra that will help you go that extra mile and make you feel your best. Shop the infinity high sports bra now at UA dot com.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.