We think we're self aware, but are we? We're chatting with Dr. Tasha Eurich about why it's so essential while dating (and having long-term relationships) to hone into our awareness of ourselves,others, and the impact we have on one another.
We think we're self aware, but are we? And why is this so essential for romantic relationships? We're chatting with Dr. Tasha Eurich about why it's so essential while dating (and having long-term relationships) to hone into our awareness of ourselves,others, and the impact we have on one another. We discuss how we're all a little less self aware than we think, the shift from talking about the why to the what, and how relating to ourselves and others just 1% better can dramatically improve our love lives.
Learn more about Dr. Tasha Eurich: https://tashaeurich.com/ and take her self awareness quiz: https://www.insight-book.com/Quiz
Thank you to our partners for this episode:
BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month of online therapy at betterhelp.com/dateable with the code DATEABLE
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S14E16: The Science of Self-Awareness (in dating) w/ Dr. Tasha Eurich
00:00:01 - 00:05:01
The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host UA Shu, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Hi Friends, welcome to another episode of the dateable podcast. We are UA and Julie, and we want to discuss everything about modern dating and the dating culture. But at the root of dating is human connection, something that we are very passionate about. And something that we sort of lost in the last few years and so many people we see in our community are trying to get that connection back absolutely. And I feel like before this episode, I would never have connected self awareness with human connection. Clearly, they're in the same vein, but I think this episode really ties the connection of human connection. And I was so excited when you found doctor Tasha urich, her TED Talk, and she really breaks down the science of self awareness in a way that I think we hear the word self awareness. It's almost like this buzzword, kind of like personal development or attention, or even communication. It's like, this is what you need to do to be successful in relationships. But what do these actually mean? And I love that we were able to break it down actual definitions of self awareness. And spoiler alert, none of us are a self aware as we think we are. And I like her a point of even if you are a self aware or working towards that, you have to use that information. It doesn't just sit idle. And this is also related to our upcoming course, finding your person, the finding your person program is something that we launched last year. It was very popular, and we are about to relaunch it again, but as part of this program you'll learn about self awareness, yes, learning about yourself more, but we also have a proprietary positive refactor method where it helps you put your self awareness information into action. Yes, it's all about the action. I feel like it's both, you know, you can't just do do do and not think ever. I think that's problematic, but also just getting into a state of rumination. We talk about the difference of rumination versus reflection. In this episode, in that's really important. How do I reflect on what's happened, but use that information as power to move forward and make action happen? Yeah, we had so many conversations in the last few years about people putting their personality test results on their dating app bios or they're putting their schemas on their bios. It's great to know this and we are all identifying with these results. But what do you do with these results? And do you want to still be this person? And something we've uncovered recently is that you're constantly evolving, taking a snapshot of who you are in this moment, but there's also a snapshot of who you could be in the future and how do we get there that comes with self awareness and using the self awareness information. Yes. She also talks about a quiz that she has that you have to answer that you send it to your friend. I still need a few a yesterday. It's not completed it yet. It's been less than 24 hours. I guess you're excused from it. But the whole point is to see de jure perceptions match how other people perceive. That's huge, right? That's huge if you're, if you think you're a certain way, but does that really mean other people perceive you in that way? It's like if a tree falls in the forest and nobody's around, did a really fall. I don't know. Oh, it goes. I like that. It's like if other people don't acknowledge you as being that way, are you actually that way? It's really interesting information. And this is why we feel like when it comes to personal development, you can't just do this work on your own. You can't just be in silo, thinking about who you are, you have to interact with other people for this to actually come true and be realistic for you. Yeah, has this ever happened to you, 'cause I definitely have been here before. Where you do take that time to do the personal development. In fact, I took an entire year off from dating at all. After a brutal breakup, I did not date for a year. And I did a ton of self development and then when I went back into it, you know, things still come up. And a lot of times you think, oh, I thought I was past this. But I think what I've learned over time is one at the journeys never over. But then two, of course, if you're doing this at a silo by yourself and doing reading the books and doing the exercises, but not interacting with people that are going to trigger it in some way.
00:05:01 - 00:10:04
Of course, everything's going to be good. It's the true test is you can never control the people out there. So how is it that you're going to react once you get this information? Have you ever had that happen? We're resurfaced for you. You know, certain things we had an episode about positive intelligence and we talked about saboteurs and certain people can trigger your saboteurs to come out and it's just the way we're conditioned. It's so much of our conditioning that we've had ever since we were little kids. So I've definitely had situations where I felt like in the academic sense, I could see myself and say, okay, you should respond in this way. But in the current practical sense and the emotional sense, I was not able to put it into practice in the moment. Like when I get into a fight with my partner, it's never the way I imagined it to go. It's like hindsight is 2020 as cliche as that sounds. I'm actually gearing up to go to Austin this weekend. So I will be coming back from Austin when this episode officially drops, but I will be there over the weekend. And I was thinking about it, I'm going to my college friend's wedding, seeing a bunch of friends from college that I haven't seen in three years, which is nuts. And I was thinking about it. I had a friend that went through something pretty serious with her partner a while back. I mean, they've been buried for years. And I remember I was really upset she didn't tell me, because I was like, this was in a stage where I felt like Friends shared everything. And I was kind of like even personally offended that my friend didn't share this thing that she was going through. And you know, it's taken years later and self awareness. I was like, wow, I was kind of an asshole that I even expected her to tell me that. And made it about me. It's like there's certain things at one. It's her partner's thing that he was going through that really had nothing to do with her to even share. So there was that piece. And then second, she doesn't need to share every last thing with her friends. It's not like she doesn't value me as a friend because she didn't share something personal. They were going through. But I feel like I was lacking that self awareness back then to even realize that. I wasn't the center of the world and didn't need to know every last thing. Yeah. It also friendships are just so different when people are in relationships. Your idea of a friendship of always being there for each other and telling each other everything changes when you get into relationships. And rightfully so, I mean, we've seen it. There are certain friends that were like, you shouldn't have told us that about your partner because now I see your partner in a totally different way and I'm not sure if I can be in the same room as him, honestly. Yeah, but I have like thinking about it even with myself if I was going through something personal that I shared with my partner. That's different than him sharing it with a bunch of his friends, you know? That isn't necessarily what you're signing up for. So I do think that age does add wisdom as we did talk about last week too with our podcast with rob. So I think there's a component of that, but then, you know, self awareness and us thinking a lot of times that we are more self aware that we actually are. And I think, you know, remembering these times where maybe we weren't as self aware, whether that was, you know, in relationships or even romantic or chip or family, anything, that's when it comes out because you're interacting with another human being. The challenging part for me about self awareness is that it makes sense in theory. But in practice, it's very hard to do. And recently, there was a situation that happened between actually just happened to me, but it brought up some sort of the old UA thinking. And it really bothered me. So here's the scenario. My car wouldn't start, okay? Dead battery or something. And my partner didn't know how to start a car with his car, or jump start a car. We didn't have the tools, we didn't know how to do it. We've never done it before. And I got a little irked because my old ways of thinking about gender roles came into play. Thinking, well, you should know. Yeah, you should have the tools, and you should know how to JumpStart a car. Why am I calling a service to come to jump start my car? You should be able to do it. In my head, this was going through. It was very interesting, Julie, because I was observing my thoughts. I did not let them come out. But I was serving my thoughts and I got more and more annoyed by myself. I'm like, why do I have these general expectations coming into play again? And the self awareness definitely helped in this scenario, but it took a lot of breathing and meditation to get myself out of this rabbit hole of blaming my partner for something that was totally unrelated to him. I think there's growth there though. The fact that you even could identify that where this was coming from and the fact that it was that you're relying on some gender stereotype that doesn't really have any value in weight whatsoever. And this is where this annoyance is coming from. I would say probably old UA would not have even been able to do that. And I think that is progress of self awareness and annoyed and upset by your partner instead of at least at least you were processing it that you just didn't lash out at him.
00:10:05 - 00:15:00
When the mechanic came, I was like, maybe I should date him, you know? She wouldn't know how to jump start my car. That guy gets so many dates because of frustrated women. He's like the most popular dude on the block. He's like, sorry, you gotta get on this wait list. Yeah. I'm booked up for the next two weeks. Sorry. Every time I have a frustrating situation, I always think about like, you know, when my dog is sick, I'm like, oh, I should just date of that. If I'm having personal problems of like, maybe I should just stay at a therapist. But then you'd also be annoyed because that's like what you would talk about the whole time, you know? The whole time. I've always wondered what it's like to date a therapist. Oh my God. I feel like, I feel like you and I should never date a therapist. Because we would just go there all the time. I think if a therapist probably needs someone that's a little more easygoing and light and just fun. That isn't as deep of thinker. So yeah, I feel like the over thinkers would be a really bad pair at that one. You just never leave the house because you'd just be talking to be talking all the time would be bad. Talk about feelings. I think it's good to talk about feelings. Don't get me wrong, but there is a line of over talking about feelings for sure. You know, I had a moment the other day when I was with my therapist, I was like, she is kind of annoying me right now. This is why I could never date a therapist 'cause she kept asking me questions and I'm like, if I were in a relationship with her, I'd be like, stop asking me questions. I was like, that's probably me to my partner. How do you feel right now? How do you feel right now? What are you feeling? But how do you feel right now? How do you really feel? Maybe I should take that as a tip of self awareness that that could be a joy. Noted. There we go. Don't be a therapist to your partner unless if you are asked. Cool. Well, you know, we'll save the good stuff for the episode. There's so many nuggets in here and it feels overwhelming, but I love how Tasha breaks it down and it's all about just getting that 1% more aware. You don't need to totally blow up your whole life at this point. It's the first step is just that awareness. Okay, one other thing that happened this week that is so exciting is that we were on New York public radio again. So welcome anyone that is joining us for the first time. UA and I got the pleasure of talking about breakups and un cuffing season. Yeah, it's a show called all of it. We were on it before with Allison and it was such a fantastic discussion because we were on it for like what, half an hour, yeah. It was a really long time. We took some listener questions and some of them were really fantastic. Just this one woman's like, you don't need to break up with your partner. You just move away from them for a little bit and then you back with them. Just breakups, I think it's a topic that everyone can relate to and we are coming upon that season where the weather is getting warmer, so breakups are getting hotter. And it's hard to go through a breakup and I'm just very honored that we were part of that discussion to help people deal with breakups. Yeah, and I did not say bullshit this time. We did not get beeped from the errors. It was a very big accomplishment. Learn my lesson the hard way. For anyone that remembers last time we were on this show, it cut out real fast when I used the word bullshit by accident, realized in retrospect. Probably shouldn't be saying that on New York public radio. But we were so invited back. So we wasn't that bad. We were. Because, you know, we are so self aware. And they needed us to be there. Shed life. It's hard not to cuss, okay? It's really hard not to cuss. Hey, that is an exercise itself awareness. Now I'm aware that I should not be saying stuff like that outside of this podcast. It's hard because all this podcast anything goes. And I need to remember that there are times and places for sort of language. Also, you know, it's not something that's widely known that that kind of language is not okay on public radio and on TV shows they can say shit now. Yeah, exactly. So always kind of confused about what the rules are. Not your fault, Julie. You live you learned, you live, you learn. Okay, well welcome all of the new listeners and we are excited. This is definitely a good episode that we got in store for you. Okay, so we are going to be relaunching the finding your person program. Very exciting. Do you cohort coming through? We're super pumped to get this going again. And we've been pushing the last couple of weeks to join the wait list, which is really important because one, you'll be notified when the program opens before everyone else that we do have limited spots, so clearly getting it a day early will only help you. And then second, you will be getting a series of videos that give a lot of information about what is in our program.
00:15:01 - 00:20:02
What is this positive refactor method that you ate talked about that's a secret sauce. And also there'll be tidbits that you can use today. This is not the actual program, but it's almost like a little teaser into it, just to give you more info so you can decide is this interesting? Is this not interesting? Obviously we want people that are fully on board to take that next step and this resonates with the content. So if you're not on the wait list yet, you can join at finding your person dot com if you are joining now. Don't worry, you'll still be able to watch all the videos, even if you come in a week late. And if you are, you know, joined a long time ago. We're not going to spam people that have joined a while ago with all of this. But if you do want to get these videos again, you can go back and resubscribe to the wait list. And then you'll be eligible to get them again, and yeah, we look forward to giving you out this information. We feel really strongly about this program and we're excited that we have the bandwidth to launch it again. Yeah, to get on the wait list, it's completely free, so you get all the information for free. And once you are enrolled in the program, the program is completely self paced. So we get this question a lot. How long is the program? Do I need to join these calls? No, it's completely self paced. You'll just have access to all the materials and we do a check in in the middle of it all to see how everyone's doing. And you get to meet other people who are enrolled in the program at the same time as you. Yep, and then at the very end of the program too, you can schedule a one on one with UA and I as well. So you will be able to chat with us. That's part of why we limit the people in the first place, but the majority of it is self pace like UA said. Yay. So finding your person dot com, get on it. Nice. Other announcements, if you're not in our Facebook group yet, love in the time of Corona, that's the place to be. Our premium group, the sounding board, go to dateable podcast slash sounding board. You do need to register to come into that group because there's a monthly subscription for that one. So do that and then we'll let you into the group, but feel free to follow us at dateable podcasts and in love in the time of Corona. Those are kind of our public forums. Okay, so before we get into it, let's hear from our sponsors. Now a word from our sponsor better help, burn out to me means not having the energy or time for the things that matter in life. Whenever I feel burnt out, I feel isolated from the world and feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle. Life can be overwhelming, and many people feel burnt out without even knowing it. Some burnout symptoms can include lack of motivation, irritability, fatigue, and more. We associate burnout with work, but that's not the only cause. Any of our roles in life can lead us to feel burnt out. Better help online therapy wants to remind you to prioritize yourself. Talking with someone can help you figure out what's causing stress in your life. Now, I've been recently talking about burnout with my better health therapist, and she has provided me with worksheets that guide me to figure out what is weighing me down. I learned a concept called cognitive distortion, which has really shifted the way things affect me. Better help is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist. So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable than in person therapy, and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at better help dot com slash dateable. That's better HELP dot com. Okay, let's hear it from doctor Tasha urich. Self awareness, many of us believe that we're more self aware than we actually are. And sometimes when we are actually self aware, it doesn't mean that that's the end. So this is why we have a self proclaimed self awareness nerd with us today. Doctor Tasha urich, who is an organizational psychologist, executive coach researcher, New York Times bestselling author and again, self awareness nerd. She's originally from Denver, currently lives in Denver. She's in her 40s, she's married. Her mission in life is to help people become the best of who they are and what they do, high Tasha, how are you? I'm so great. It's wonderful to be here to speak with both of you. Welcome. Some of our most popular episodes have been about self awareness and the different assessments that people can take. But today we're really going to get into what exactly is self awareness and what are some of the misconceptions about what it is. So let's just start there. What is self awareness? Well, that's a very big question. And it was even bigger than I thought when I first started examining this topic, but just a quick background on me. I'm an organizational psychologist, as you mentioned, and my day job is coaching CEOs and senior executives, usually telling very powerful, successful people that maybe there are some things they could do differently or better. And I had a client once named me the velvet hammer, which I thought was a nice compliment, I think.
00:20:03 - 00:25:01
It's kind of sexy. I know, right? I was like, cool. And I've been doing this for 20 years, which is crazy because the time has flown by, but in that time, what I've seen with client after client after client. Not just as leaders, but as humans, the people who are willing to reexamine themselves. And even be willing to see truths either themselves or through other people's eyes that they hadn't seen or considered before, were always more successful. And so that actually is what started me on this very fun, very exciting rabbit hole of empirical research on self awareness and my team over a dozen studies over the last ten years. We've been looking at scientifically what is self awareness, where does it come from? Why do we need it? And by the way, boy do we need it? And then how do we get more of it? And so this has kept us very busy. But to the question, what is self awareness? It actually took us almost a year to scientifically define this term. And if you think about it, it's kind of like the word communication. Everybody uses the word all the time, but very often they mean entirely different things. And that was what we found just with the scientists looking at it. So here is our simple definition. I call this simplicity on the other side of complexity. Self awareness means two things. Both of which we need. Number one, knowing who we are inside internally, and then number two, understanding how other people see us. And put yourself in my shoes. Those two things early on in the research study, would you guys think they were related or not related? If you know yourself, you'd also know how other people see you and vice versa. I definitely think of it as the first part of knowing yourself less about how other people see you. So I see how they are interconnected, but also I don't know if it would be the first thought that propped into my mind at least. See, you're 12 steps ahead of where I was. I was like, of course, these two things will be related. And we found for any statistics nerds who are listening a 0.0 correlation. Interesting. Internal self awareness, like who am I? What makes me tick? What do I want? What do I care about? And then how do I come across to other people? So if that was a very interesting finding, and of course, spurred a lot of others. Well, I feel like that's why there is such an important sear and why we wanted to talk about this as a podcast episode as our podcast relates to data and relationships because there's one thing about knowing yourself and then the other piece of how you're coming off to others. Why do you think self awareness is so important in this dating context? It's sort of everything, if you think about it, I come from the world of organizational psychology. And I think they're a crazy number of parallels between, for example, a job interview and a first date. In both of those situations, if you are completely focused on your own experience, not a lot of great things are going to happen. But if you're able to sort of simultaneously jump between, what do I want? What do I care about? And how do I sort of understand the me that this other person is seeing, as well as who this person is, because that's a sort of paradox of self awareness, the more self aware we are, the more we can put ourselves in other people's shoes, which is very interesting. But it makes or breaks everything from the first impression that we have to, in a relationship, the first fight or disagreement we have, we could blow the whole thing up. And it goes down in flames when really that wasn't our intention. And so I think it's really one of those skills. I call it the meta skill of the 21st century. It's foundational to our success and our happiness in dating and generally in life. And you're basically touching upon this, which is what are some of the most common misconceptions about self awareness because to me that was mind-blowing to even to know that the two aren't correlated the internal the external. I just always assume if you're self aware enough, you know how other people perceive you. So what are some of the other myths and misconceptions? Well, let's get to the most uncomfortable one and we'll just put it out there and deal with it. Let's go big first. So the biggest misconception about self awareness is that we have it. Bingo. So people that think they're self aware generally aren't. Is that what you're saying? That is exactly what I'm saying. And I have the science to back it up. So here's two data points that I think kind of say it all. What percentage of people believe that they're self aware, according to our research. 95% of not surprised. 95 out of a hundred people would say, yes, oh. I am very self aware. Thank you so much. And the actual number is about ten to 15%. Wow. And how did you measure that? Well, I don't know if as a self awareness nerd, that's a very loaded question. Maybe I can definitely answer it. As Tasha Natasha takes a sip, she's like, you ready? She's like, how much time do we have? The condensed version will draw conclusions on our own that a lot more wedded to it. Yeah.
00:25:01 - 00:30:05
So basically, there are 7 types of self knowledge that self aware people have. Things like knowing our values, knowing our passions, knowing our impact on other people. And what we did was we measured people's self assessed of each of those 7 pillars of self awareness, as well as someone who knows them well. The other person's assessment. And for them to be self aware, they actually had to tick both boxes. So this gets back to that paradox of if we overestimate our self awareness, there has to be a check and balance. And that was why they had to clear both hurdles. I have to believe that I know myself, very specifically, not just in general, but do I have a set of values that guide how I live my life. Do I know what makes me jump out of bed in the morning and design my life to make that happen? A, and then just someone else agree. So it's a pretty down in journey process to measure that, but that's where I think we can draw some conclusions that are pretty astonishing, that it's not just most of us think we're self aware. 95% of us think we are compared to the delta. It means 80% of us are essentially lying to ourselves about whether we're lying to ourselves. That's insane. So what's maybe like an example? I think this would help me just wrap my head around this too, especially in the dating and relationship context of someone that thinks they're self aware, but they're not. So let's make this interesting. I'll give you two archetypes. Well, no, I'll give you, yeah, I'll give you two archetypes. On one hand, think about someone who is completely absorbed in their own internal experience and totally oblivious to the way other people see them. So this is the person I was watching. I don't know if you guys have caught up on the latest season of misses maisel. But I don't have it. I'm a little behind, but yes. So good. And she goes, I won't spoil anything, but she goes out on a date with this one guy who apparently lived in Spain for a year. And at the beginning of the date, he said that, like, I lived in Spain. And she goes, oh, that's interesting. And then it turns out that he starts talking in Spanish to midge who doesn't speak Spanish to the waiter who doesn't speak Spanish. And it's the only thing he can talk about. Right. So, and I just thought to myself, this is the perfect example of someone who has low external self awareness. He is totally unable to read the room and the date goes miserably. She ends up using her phone call and someone invents a family emergency that you have to go home. Right. So that's one. And I think we all probably have had that experience ourselves. But then the other side is just as interesting, although it's a kind of a different problem. Someone who is so focused on what the other person is experiencing and what they want, that they don't focus at all on what matters to them. So they might try to seem a certain way to someone, but not really believe that themselves. Like, oh, you like to golf? Oh, I love to go. The person doesn't like to golf, right? So it's a different problem, but those are both examples of what it looks like practically. And for the first one, you're probably going to have a lot of first dates. And then for the second one, you might get into a relationship and things get serious, but then you might wake up one day, 20 years later and say, this isn't what I wanted at all. This isn't right for me. So it's kind of both ends of the spectrum there. That's fascinating because the first one I feel like is classic. That's what I would have said if I was to think of an example, that person that talks nonstop throughout the date. And they don't realize they haven't stopped to ask a single question. We've all been on that date. But the second one that you mentioned is interesting to me because I don't know if I would have correlated that with self awareness. I would think it was more people pleasing or low self esteem, something like that. How does that correlate to self awareness? It's an interesting balancing act. It really is about understanding who we are and what we want just as much as it is about the impression that we create with other people. And I think for a lot of people, and by the way, the archetype that we use or that I use in my research is I call those people pleasers, by the way, I am one of those people. I didn't know what color of new car I was going to buy several years back. So I crowdsourced it. I asked all of my Friends what color car I should get. But I couldn't figure it out myself, right? And that it's not what we think of, but it's a lack of self awareness and that it's not allowing us to make decisions in the spirit of our success and our happiness. And when we see ourselves clearly and completely in compassionately, you know, works in all the goods about an ugly, that's when we are really, it's almost like a sweet spot. We don't totally neglect one of those two areas, but at the same time, we can live in both worlds. When a lot of times, they don't agree, we might see ourselves in a completely different way than other people see us. But the important thing is recognizing it. And that's I think a really practical takeaway for all of us. Well, Tasha, here's another loaded question related to that, especially when it comes to dating. Do you think dating apps are playing into the lack of awareness of people, making them think that they have the awareness because we always hear people don't know what they want, but dating apps force you to tell them what you're looking for.
00:30:05 - 00:35:01
At the end of the day, maybe we think we're so aware of what we're looking for, but we really don't know. I mean, I'll just use a personal example. My husband on paper is not the person that I thought I would never end up with. All the time. And there's something about that chemistry where I think you're right. If you exclude a whole type of person because you don't initially believe that's who you want, you're leaving it up to chance. Might you find the perfect person in your created parameters maybe, but is a great person for you, maybe outside of those parameters. I can say with a, we say, in science, an N of one, one person in this study. That was my experience. Yeah, this is really fascinating because I think I've thought of people that are I'm thinking of like a past partner of mine specifically. I thought he was extremely self aware because he was able to see some of his faults and shortcomings very clearly. But he wasn't able to see the good that he brought to the table. So it's almost interesting that you're saying that self awareness isn't just being aware of the faults, but it's how you show up as a whole. And I think a lot of dangers that we see too don't recognize the catch they are. Like, how can people start to look itself awareness more holistically? That I'm so glad you asked that question. And for anybody out there dating, this is really important to keep in mind. You know, the worst thing that somebody could do if they decide to kind of take a self awareness journey or begin or re begin one is to only focus on our faults and our flaws. I see this all the time. I see this a lot, especially with female executives that I work with. They are superheroes. They're doing impossible things every day. Everyone's in awe of them, and yet when you ask them, how's it going? Well, that presentation to the board could have been better when really they nailed it. And I think the same is true with dating, right? We don't always see what a catch we are. So here's a really practical exercise that I think anyone listening to this could do in dating or in work or just in general is think of 8 or so people, 8 to ten people. It's good to have more than 5, so you can start to see patterns. And open an email or a text, and ask them, what is one thing that you see me doing that is really a foundational strength, right? So you could say, maybe for dating, it's your Friends. Like, when you've seen me out there, you know, what am I doing or what are you saying that is something that's a strength that I may or may not see. And what happens is as people start to respond, which they almost always do very enthusiastically because it's positive and they want to help is you start to maybe see some things that either you were hoping came across to other people or you never knew came across to other people. I've had, oh, I can't even count how many leaders that I've coached be like, oh, apparently I'm an amazing negotiator or whatever. And it's almost like we have to hear it from other people sometimes to believe it. And that's unfortunate, but it is what it is. And that's kind of one way to help ourselves see our own awesomeness. So once we figure out the disconnect, because I can see this in the dating scenario, I can see someone thinking, I'm a very good communicator. I'm very good conversationalists, but on dates, they're coming off as cold or standoffish. So when we figure out the disconnect, what is that step to closing that Delta? That's a great question. And the challenge is we could go almost any direction with this. So it's very personalized to what you want to achieve. I do think that model of internal versus external self awareness comes in handy here because, you know, at the end of the day, are things going the way we want them to go. If not, that is what starts us to along the process of saying, you know, am I really finding this enjoyable? And I happy do I feel like I'm ending up with the types of people that I want to be with that help me be my best me, if not, maybe there's some internal work that can be done of saying, what do I really want? You know, maybe what were the 5 things that the me of 5 years ago thought were important, that the me of now doesn't actually care about. Or how have my priorities changed, even that quick exercise could help us surface an actionable insight in how we're approaching our dating life. But then on the other side of it, you might also say, okay, if things aren't going well, is it because the other people are opting out. You know, am I getting ghosted or are people not showing up to the second date? And I think if that's the case, that is a flashing red light to perhaps consider the impact that we're having on others. And here's a shortcut that I'll give you guys that has been helpful for me. We have these theories that were different people in all areas of our lives. Like, oh, I'm so different on the first date than I am in a meeting with my boss or talking to my parents or whatever.
00:35:02 - 00:40:05
We're usually the exact same person or a very similar. Really? Person. I can back this up. So every CEO that I coach, I interview sometimes up to 30 people, not just who work with them, but who have known them forever and or live with them. So this includes adult kids this includes spouses, childhood best Friends, family members. And it never ceases to amaze me that I hear basically the same thing. So if someone will say, well, your team thinks you're kind of a jerk. They're like, oh, well, I'm only like that at work. Your family also thinks you're like, I'm hearing the same stuff, yeah. And of course, you know, it's not identical, but the beauty of that is if you're feeling like you're not getting the results you want externally, there's no better place to look than the people that know you best. So they might be able to help you. If you ask a couple of people, identify, what is it that I'm doing to get in my own way here? Ask the people that you know support and love you and will tell you the truth. And you might get some new data. Let's hold that thought for a few messages. This episode is brought to you by drizzly. If you look for it, every day has cause for celebration, celebrate a friend for their promotion, baby, wedding life thing, celebrate yourself for keeping the couch warm. It's no easy feat, especially if it's a big couch. Or maybe you just want to celebrate living in 2022, where you can get beer, wine, and spirits deliver from drizzly in under 60 minutes without leaving, said, couch. No wonder drizzly is the number one app for alcohol delivery. And remember to share the love, you can get alcohol delivered to your friends and your coworkers and a nice surprise. Right now, drizzly is giving all new customers $5 off their first order, with the code fast 5. So download the drizzly app or go to drizzly dot com that spelled DRI Z, LY dot com and use the promo code fast 5 that spelled FAST number 5 for $5 off your first order. You're welcome. You may have heard us talk about our finding your person program and the response has been overwhelming and we're so excited to announce that we are relaunching the program on June 20th, but spots are limited. So we get it, okay? Modern dating can be incredibly difficult. After one too many bad days, you may even question if it's all worth it. Sometimes you're really sick of swiping and desire a real connection. Sometimes you feel like you have every other aspect of your life figure it out except for your love life. Listen, we hear you and we see you because we've been there ourselves. By talking to thousands of daters over the last 6 plus years through data, we've been able to pinpoint exactly what helps people find their person. It's three components, positivity, reflection, and action. And together, it's what we call the positive refactor method. In our finding your person program, we walk you step by step through the method, prepping you for your person, who is just around the corner. If you're serious about finding your person, an eager to implement every step of the method, the sky's the limit, registration opens June 20th, but get on the wait list now, so you'll be able to sign up before the general public, because we will sell out. Just head to finding your person dot com to learn more. Again, that's finding your person dot com. So one thing that UA and I found really fascinating about your TED Talk that you did was I'll start with some background is that we're really focused a lot on the why. Why do people date the way they do? Why is modern dating the way it is? But your revelation was to shift from focusing on the why to the what? Can you go into that in a little more depth of why you think that's important for self awareness? Yeah, that I think is probably the second biggest misconception that our research found. And no one was more surprised than me. There's a long history in self awareness of assuming that the best way to know ourselves, like our underlying motives and thoughts and to your point, why we are the way we are, is to excavate our unconscious. And usually the way we do that is through questions that begin with the word why. So if I get in a fight with my husband, like I say in my TED Talk about how to load the dishwasher. The question introspectively that I might ask with the best of intentions are why are we always fighting? Why? Then I might get into this loop and here's what the research says and I'll just kind of summarize this and we can go into more detail if we want to, but there are two problems with those types of questions for self awareness. The first problem is that we have a false sense of our own accuracy and answering those questions. So I might say, why are we always getting in fights? And I assume that I can sort of go into that padlocked basement that is my true self and find the answer. All I have to do is open it and walk through the door. But what research shows time and time again is that we actually can't answer those questions. There's so many parts of our experience and ourselves that are just not accessible to our conscious awareness.
00:40:06 - 00:45:02
So what happens is we find an answer that feels true, but is usually wrong, right? Oh, the reason that my husband and I are always good and it's usually very dramatic and creative, right? Like, oh, it's because I fought a lot with my dad when I was younger. And I'm replicating that same pattern. And sometimes there is truth to that, but the point there is that there isn't an answer. And a lot of times, just because it feels true, doesn't mean it's true. And that's where we can get off track, right? We start to follow this false lead, and we start to believe in its end all be all nature when it really is kind of leading us astray. But the second reason asking why is dangerous is it leads us down the rabbit hole of rumination. And I don't know if you guys have experienced this, but every time I ask myself why I end up with the last statement is because I'm a terrible person. And I don't deserve to be. And even confident, successful, happy people can get there. And so that's where it sounds very surprising, and it was a surprising to me, it sounds. Why questions are not the route to self aware? It's like the WebMD model, right? You can say I have a sore throat and the day you're like, I'm dying because that's what the WebMD is telling me. So what we're saying is, it's interesting. We can be curious about the why. But more importantly, it's the what, like how are we going to move forward from this? So how do we use the what in our framework, I guess? And it's exactly what we discovered is the difference, a huge difference it makes in asking what questions versus why questions. So at first we thought this was just like a fluke. Oh, all the self aware people are starting with what instead of why. But as we got into it, we really saw the profound difference. So if I go back to my example, I'm pointing at my dishwasher 'cause it's over there. With my husband, we get in this fight. I could ask, why are we always getting in the same fight? Or I could ask one of the following. And this is not a complete list. What part of that did I own? Or what in that situation told me that things were going wrong in the conversation, or what can I do differently the next time we're in that situation? And the difference there is, instead of trying to find that hidden end all be all truth, we're trying to find a pragmatic way forward and to find solutions and to be empowered to take action. And it's true that I think we should be curious about the why. But there's a humility in what self aware people do, which is they say, you know, I might not ever know why. But that doesn't mean that I can't have insight moving forward. And I think that's the biggest thing is insight moving forward. Is far more valuable than insight from the past. I like this idea of how do we merge the why and the what? Because I do think the why is valuable in the sense that it gives you explorations of all the things that may be going on. I'll use an example ghosting, right? When you get ghosted, you could just jump to, there's something fundamentally wrong with me. Or doing the why, you can explore maybe this person isn't ready for a relationship. Maybe they got back together with their ex. There's all these different things. But to your point, what I'm hearing and I agree with is we may never know what that why is. And is that actually even helping us? So in that example with ghosting, how could you reframe that to make it actually beneficial to you without necessarily thinking that you're just doomed? That's a great example. Here's what I would do. I think in situations like that, where we have, you know, we feel like we have zero information about what made that person do whatever it is they did. It can be helpful to try on different perspectives. So what I would encourage somebody in that situation to do is to say, what are 5 different reasons someone might do that? And it doesn't matter what the right answer was. The important thing is that we're getting perspective to help us see the context, right? Maybe this isn't because I'm a fundamentally undateable person. Right. But maybe it really is crazy for them at work. That is a distinct possibility, or maybe they just got out of a relationship and they're not ready. But all of those help us see that it isn't we're not wrong. There's something wrong about the situation that isn't necessarily an indictment of us. Yeah, that's a huge difference. I really like that over even the why, even though we've been saying the why, because I feel like it does get you out of that rumination loop that you mentioned. And I love this, what are 5 reasons? So you still can explore, which is essentially what the why was doing before. We're not taking that away from anyone. We're almost like time box against so you don't go down that spiral. Is there a way to say like a what that can help you move forward with it? I would even I'm trying to think of something that would inform our action.
00:45:03 - 00:50:02
So the next time I am on a first date or the next time, things are going in the right direction. What are the signals that I might look for? That would suggest we're not on the same page. It's focusing our attention. It's not necessarily. We don't even have to necessarily radically change our approach. I think the important thing to remember that we've found about self awareness is it's incremental. So we shouldn't put the pressure on ourselves to wake up tomorrow and be a completely new person. It's not feasible. It's not kind to ourselves because there's no way anyone could do that. So even something as small as setting a goal in this next series, this next round, am I going to, what am I going to pay attention to and what can I learn? And maybe even what can I learn from this as another great one? I like that because it's forward thinking. It's not trying to get to the answers. Like you said that we may never get to. And the why kind of makes you look backwards at, oh, that could have gone better or I should have noticed that. But moving forward and thinking about the what, you're thinking about the next time in this situation, what is it that I can look for or do better? Exactly. This is a great time to bring in a truly profound thought that I recently learned from my friend Marshall goldsmith, who's number one leadership thinker in the whole world. He talks about this concept of every breath we take. We are new person. And at first that sounds kind of simplistic, right? But as you think about it, what he talks about is, you know, how could I, the me of right now in this moment, fault, the me of a month ago, or a year ago or 5 years ago for their choices. Right. Every time I get up in the morning, I'm a new me and I can become whoever I want to be. You know, within reason. And I think there's something really powerful about that for dating. It helps us move forward with intention and insight and not needlessly beat ourselves up because we're not that same person anymore. Right. Really profound stuff. That is really fantastic to hear. And even speaking about that, which is something daunting about self awareness and getting to be more self aware. This is the fact that we are constantly evolving and changing. So yes, I could be very self aware who I am today, but do I have to be always this active in my self awareness activity? To stay as self aware as I want to be. That sounds exhausting. Yeah. And I'll be the first one to admit that it is not a crime to make things easy for ourselves. So the first thing I think we have to do is recognize that this is a marathon. This isn't like, oh, if I just do this and this and this, I will be self aware. And I'm done. It's really inspiring to me to learn about the daily habits of self aware people. These are not people who are spending hours every week in therapy as an example. These are people who are more likely to find small, almost seemingly insignificant insights in their day to today life that add up over time and really incredible ways. So I think there's something where if we can take that pressure off ourselves of like, oh, I have to increase myself awareness by 50% by next week. And instead, just have, I call it a braver but wiser mindset, which is curious. You know, no matter what I know about myself, I may always be surprised by something new, positive or negative, but the beauty is I know. And knowing is always better than not knowing, because when we know we can choose. I think there was a quote that you had at your TED Talk that touched on this so well. It was from rumi that was yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I changed myself. And I love that quote so much. What you're saying here of just how do you get a little better every day? It doesn't need to be these drastic steps. Why do you think though taking ownership for yourself opposed to just looking at the world and dating culture as an example, pertaining to dating is so important? You know, I think it's even more important in general in every area of our lives, including dating. And it fundamentally comes down to how do you see your role in your own life. Is it one where you choose, or is it one where choices are made for you? And there's not, you know, obviously the answer is both. But there's an empowerment and kind of a sense of self just moving forward that self aware people have, where they say, okay, I can't control everything, and it would be delusional of me to assume that I could. But in this lane, the lane of me, where every day that I wake up, I can be a new person, I can choose what I want to work on.
00:50:02 - 00:55:02
I can choose what I want to let go of and ignore. That seems to me in this crazy and complicated and chaotic world. The surest path that we have control over. And it's true for dating. I think we all have friends on both sides of that spectrum. One is like, I'm going to get out there and I'm going to keep trying and I'm going to learn and the other is like dating is a total scan. I will never do it again and it's rigged and whatever. But I think who gets to make that choice at the end of the day, even if it doesn't feel that way, it's us. We get to decide. Yeah. Okay, so I'm just going to speak to the extreme here because I remember when I was dating, I saw a profile of someone writing, this is what they put in their bio. I am self aware that I am an asshole. What do we say to people who are aware of their whatever state that they're in, maybe they're an asshole. And they're like, I'm okay with that. I'm going to stay this way. Because I get to control my world and I'm going to control the fact that I am an asshole. What do we say to these people? These people I came up with a very technical term for I call them the aware don't care. They still have a self awareness problem, don't they? Because they know they're an asshole, but they really probably don't fully appreciate how much it's limiting them. And if they do, and they don't care, you know, that's really kind of a very special different type of person that you probably wouldn't want to date. But I think either way, everybody makes their own choices. And the beauty of being braver but wiser, as you say, well, how nice for you. It is not my job to make you realize what an unbelievable jerk you are. Keep doing that if you want to. I'm going to devote this energy to my own happiness. That is, I think, the most powerful choice we can make. People ask me all the time. How do I make whoever? My spouse or my significant other, more self aware. Can we do that? Absolutely. Will we be able to do it in any given situation? Maybe. But the success rate isn't high. So that's where I come back to spend that energy on yourself. Forget wasting it on other people. So true. You're talking about the two types of people. You know, the ones that are focused on themselves and how can I continue to grow from the state the experience. And then the others that are quick to blame the apps quick to blame the other people, quick to blame their city. Insert whatever external that you want. And I mean, there's a little piece of me that dies every time I hear a C somewhat posed in our Facebook group about just like how the apps are out to get them or how data culture they're just giving up because of it. But I also recognize that when you're in the thick of it, it can be really difficult, especially when you feel like all the cards are stacked against you, or maybe you feel like you've done a lot of self work. Maybe you feel like you've been in therapy and you're like, why won't this ever click? How can people still start to take that ownership without feeling like dismal and doom that they've done it all? I love that question. And it actually, I'll take my scientist out off and put on my human hat. When I which I do from time to time. When I was in, I was 26, I had just gotten out of graduate school. I was in my first big important Fortune 500 job and I was like, I'm going to find someone. And then I sort of didn't like my options at the time. I don't remember exactly what I concluded. But they were not positive. So I did not intentionally, but in hindsight, I think I can learn from myself in the past. I did the opposite. So I was like, I'm going to get someone. And I said, no, I am not going to try at all to find someone. And coincidentally or not, I'm not sure. That was literally when I met my husband. And he's pretty great. So there's something to that to me, and I haven't thought about this question until you just asked it. And I think it's really great. In almost doing the opposite, like if we are so dissatisfied with the approach we've been taking, or what's been happening, ask ourselves, what would be the opposite? And maybe just to be safe, we put a time clock on it. So we say, for 30 days, I'm going to stop looking. And I'm going to do something to help myself. Or if I've been using one app, and I hate it, and it's out to get me. Maybe I suspend my profile. And I go onto a different app. I think there's a lot of different versions of what that could look like. But maybe that's something to try is when we're so dissatisfied that we feel like giving up, maybe try the opposite behavior. So it doesn't have to be, let's say, so extreme that I need to alter my whole personality or come up with this piece of what's missing. It's more of just how can I know myself and what's burning me out and what's exciting me. And that's a way of looking at self awareness into how can I shift what I'm doing? Yeah, that's exactly right. And I would even say the journey of self awareness can almost be thought of as a series of small experiments.
00:55:03 - 01:00:08
And it just takes the pressure off. We don't have to figure everything out. That would be boring, actually, if we woke up one day and we had all the answers. But it's just, you know, what would it look like if I improved myself awareness by 1%, every, you know, whatever, month, week, year. It adds up over time. Is this safe to say that everyone can work on their self awareness? I think almost everyone. Except for you and for me and rumi and by the way, I have just as much, if not more work to do than anyone else and that's one thing I've learned. But yeah, if you are not a clinical narcissist, for example, somebody who just says, we've all met those people. And is it possible for them to change? Sure. Is it less likely that they will? Probably less likely. But for most of us, the size of our transformation is only limited by our commitment and our creativity and our openness. So again, I come back to this, it is the most empowered thing that we can do to improve our self awareness in my opinion. You said something at the top of this episode that I still want to revisit here. You said the more self aware we become, the more we're able to put ourselves in other people's shoes or something along the lines of that. Can you kind of explain what that means? So a good way to think about this would be, you know, if you're having an interaction with your significant other, or if you're on a date with a new person, when we're truly self aware, we understand what we're bringing to the table. In other words, how can I connect with this person and how can I share the parts of myself that are the most me? And knowing that, in some sense, allows us to focus on the other person. So it allows us to, instead of proving how smart we are, how successful we are. We just are. We love our entire selves and we're honest, and we see ourselves as clearly as we can. And that lack of something to prove, I think, or trying to make the person do something that, you know, is it appropriate for the moment. That is what allows us to say, you know, tell me, what are your hopes and dreams? And I think anytime we've had an interaction with the really self aware person, we come away with the sense of like, I feel so seen. Yes. Right? Yes. And that's the paradox is in seeing ourselves clearly. We can actually start to see other people clearly as well. Because we're making room for other people in our mental space. Oh my gosh, I love that. I'm going to steal that without. So what are some other ways then that self awareness can show up in more committed relationships when you have this other person by your side? The so here, this is very specific, but hopefully it's food for thought. I think the longer we're with someone, the more conclusive determinations we make about who they are and who we are and who the relationship is. And there are times when that can be helpful, but there are also times where it can turn into you always do this, right? Like every time this happens, you do this and we get trapped in these cycles and the more we can be open to not only am I a new person with every choice I make, but potentially my partner is. I think it's a mindset of finding new information, not just in ourselves, but in the relationship and in the other person. It can be, I think, the difference between something falling apart or even stagnating and something continuing to be real. I'm going to ruminate on that one because I don't ruminate, reflect. I just had this conversation with my partner. You always forget what I say. You have the worst memory. You don't listen. Now I'm thinking back, well, maybe it's just like the, I'm looking for evidence to support that, but the next steps is, okay, I'm aware that this is something that triggers me what are some ways that I can help with the information and communication. So that it's no longer about his responsibility to remember, but our responsibility as a team. I'm going to think about that. I could not love that more. And I think that was a perfect example of the shift. Yeah. That self aware people experience, right? You are no longer waiting for him to get his act together. Whatever that looks like, whether or not it's true, but you're taking ownership. And even this is what's interesting. Even if it's not successful, at least right away or on your first try. There's a different feeling that I'm doing something. I'm doing something, and that in and of itself is huge. And you use the what instead of the lie. Yes, extra bonus points. I learned that from this very smart woman named Tasha Europe. It's so good. The student has become the teacher. Sensei. So if people want to get to UA's level of self awareness, what are so little just listen to this over and over and over again.
01:00:09 - 01:05:19
I was going to ask you what are some stuff people could take every day, but maybe that's one of them. But outside of listening to this podcast, I repeat, which we encourage you to do. What are some of the proof our download numbers? Just keep listening to this every single day. Whatever most downloaded episode we've ever done. What other tips would you have for people? I could just get that 1% better each day. Let me give you two internal and external focused, I know. But wait, there's more. So the first, the first is internal, and this is something that we saw in almost all of the people that we studied that weren't just highly self aware, but who had made really big improvements in their self awareness over time. And as I mentioned, they weren't spending hours a week in therapy. They were doing some type of daily practice where they essentially, you know, maybe it was when they were brushing their teeth at night or when they were working out at the end of the day. They asked themselves some form of the following three questions. And I call them the daily check in. So the first question, keeping it very focused is what went well today. Second question, what didn't go so well? Third question, how can I be smarter tomorrow? Or insert whatever word speaks to your heart. And that helps us build that incremental awareness. And I think if we go back to this concept of self awareness as a series of small experiments, it starts to really show what we can learn on a daily basis. I tried that one thing with my partner who we can't communicate about this one issue didn't work. What can I try tomorrow? Oh. Maybe that work, right? So that's the internal piece. The external piece, this is not for the faint of heart. Uh oh. But I would never suggest anything that I haven't done first and foremost multiple times myself. But it's something that I've named the dinner of truth. Oh. The first time I heard what this exercise was, and it was created by a communications professor named Josh meisner. I had the same reaction you guys just did. I was like, oh, that can't be good. And here's how it goes. So he has all of his undergraduates do this. You find someone who your relationship with them is important and you want to improve that relationship. You invite them to dinner. You ask them the following question. And you do not in response give any justification, defensiveness, anything. You just listen. The question is, what do I do? That is most annoying. Wow. Yes. Is that before? Before the entree? What is that question? I covered this meal. It's up to you. You can kind of get into it, but I think it's good to be like, I want to ask you a really important question. And they'll be like, oh, what is it? And there's different ways you can have that conversation. Some people who might be introverted might want to think about it first, that's fine. Some people who are extroverts might, it might be fine to kind of lay that on them right after the entree is served. So use your knowledge of the person. But get the answer. What do they think that you're doing that's most annoying to them? What is it about annoying? Like what made you choose that word over something else? That's a great question. So I can't speak for Josh. He's very explicit about that word, but I'll tell you the reason I think it's helpful is it helps us discover the lowest hanging fruits of self awareness. That's true. That makes sense. That makes sense. Wow. Wow. That should be a reality TV show. Dinner of truth. You know? Call me. I'm just saying. And if you could survive the deter of truth, you could survive anything. You want a $1 million. That should be like a dating exercise. It's just everyone lines up for the dinner of truth. Oh my gosh. I watched that. I definitely watched that. I might not be on it, but I'd watch it. Yeah. Well, this has been such a fantastic conversation. I mean, I have so many takeaways. I think the first is we are going to be shifting our language is, what is happening at modern day today? Yeah. And what can you do to date better, opposed to why are we dating the way we do? So that's one thing. And I like this balance of exploring the possibilities of what could be happening, but also being okay that you may never know and just moving forward. And that kind of brings me to the second takeaway I had. Just throughout this whole conversation, how much trial and error went into everything you said. It was like, okay, well, if this doesn't work, I'll try this. If this doesn't work, I'll try that. And I think that's such a better mindset. Sometimes it's hard to say, oh, just be positive, focus on the good things. I think that's a better mindset than ruminating about the things you can't change, like the data gaps or your city or all the externals that are usually the go tos. And my other takeaway with self awareness is it's not that you have to change something fundamentally about you as a person, maybe it is if you do dinner of truth and you find your annoyances, it can't hurt, but it also could be as simple of just reflecting of how you're feeling in different moments.
01:05:19 - 01:10:02
And it doesn't have to be all or nothing either in exercises we've done in some of our programs. Sometimes instead of saying, okay, I'm going to delete this dating app entirely. Let me check in with myself and see when I feel the most excited to use the data gap versus when I'm dreading it. So it doesn't need to be these drastic shifts. It can just be these little tweets in trial and error to understand what serving you the best and how can you continue to focus on what's serving you and minimize what isn't. That's amazing. Three big takeaways for me, one is I feel like we've been stuck in this self awareness hamster wheel for too long where we're taking all these assessments and personality tests and we even look into astrology, but then everyone I feel like a lot of daters are left with now what? I know this about me. I know I'm anxious attachment style. I know that I have this sort of schema. I know on this and Myers Briggs now what? And I think this conversation helps us to move forward with the now what? This information is power, but we need to be able to use his power to become better versions of ourselves. I also love this idea that the more aware we are, the more peace it brings us. The way you were describing this to us where you can see the other person more clearly is because we stop the mind chatter when we know ourselves and how many of us have been on dates where we totally do not remember what the other person said because we were so concerned with what we were going to say, how we were being perceived, what information we need to give that we walk away only knowing more about ourselves and not the other person and with dating it's so relational with other people that I think the more self awareness we get, the more we're able to see other people clearly. And the third takeaway is I have my own journal, but I write my own prompts, but I'm adding these three prompts to it. What went well? What didn't go so well and what can I do a little bit better tomorrow? That's going to be really helpful for my journal. So I hope everybody can add that to their journal prompts as well. I love how simplistic that is too. Sometimes they're so extravagant that you're like, ah, I don't even know where to start, but this is just a good way to get the foundations. And there's nothing right or wrong with any of it. It's just that 1% every day. That's it. And make it sustainable. Don't stack the ducks against yourself. I think we do that often with the best of intentions. Like, I want to be the most best that I can be. As quickly as possible when it's really, I can run hundreds of miles over time if I do a little bit every day. That's true. Thank you so much, Tasha. If people want to learn more about you and get ahold of the books that you've written, where should they go? So what I've learned is it's not really about me. It's about you guys and your listeners. So one thing that we put out with the release of my book insight on all of these findings was a 5 minute self awareness quiz. And you go in, it's a subset of our much, much longer, much, much more boring assessment that we used in our research, but it's 14 questions you fill it out for yourself. You send it to someone who knows you well, and they fill it out, and you get this really nice kind of high level picture of yourself awareness plus a couple of really specific things you can do based on your results to improve, if you want to. So if anybody wants to take that, it's at WWW dot insight quiz dot com. Awesome. We will link it also. They can get in the rabbit hole of all of our various websites and learn more than they probably ever wanted to. I'm going to take that assessment too. And for all of our listeners, you know, Julie and I are constantly trying to improve our self awareness. So one way for you to help us to do that is to give us a review in Apple podcasts. When you give us 5 stars, it really helps with our self esteem, but when you write a review, it helps with our self awareness and dare I ask, what is something you really love about our podcast? What is something that really annoys you? Hey, you know what? We're going to put it out there. We're going to ask the questions because they've really does help us. And on that note, we're going to wrap this up. Thank you so much, doctor Tasha Zürich for being on our show and for shedding the light on what we can do with self awareness and how to improve our own self awareness. We're going to wrap this up. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com.
01:10:02 - 01:11:22
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