S14E5: Have you had a Microwave Relationship?

Dateable Podcast
March 22, 2022
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March 22, 2022

S14E5: Have you had a Microwave Relationship?

Why do relationships that start off so hot and heavy tend to cool down after a month or two? We're chatting with Emir about what we're coining a "microwave relationship" and how it's holding him back from finding the real deal.

Have you had a Microwave Relationship?

Why do relationships that start off so hot and heavy tend to cool down after a month or two? We're chatting with Emir about what we're coining a "microwave relationship" and how it's holding him back from finding the real deal. We discuss why these short but intense relationships can sting so hard, how to get closure in order to move forward, and what you can learn from this experience to use it as a stepping stone for future longer term relationships.

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Episode Transcript

S14E5: Have you had a Microwave Relationship?

00:00:01 - 00:05:00

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves.  I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

Hey Friends, welcome to another episode of the day will podcast where we dive into what is going on in modern dating and what are the things that we can change to make our experiences better and one of those that we're diving into today is all about microwave relationships and guess what? We made up that term so we get credit, okay? I was gonna say you ain't got really excited when she, this was your braid chat, I will give you credit you text to me and you're like, I have the best name for today's episode. And many of us have had multiple microwave relationships. So we'll go into the whole definition in the episode, but I think of it just in short is it's like a micro relationship. Probably last between one and three months. I think the big difference between a turbo relationship is that you go through all the stages within that time period. So you're like meeting the Friends and moving in together and all these crazy stuff that usually takes 6 months plus to start to develop, where I feel like the microwave relationship is usually it starts off pretty fast. Hence the putting it in the microwave. We're going to zap that in relationship. And it seems to Peter out pretty quickly within the one to three month. You usually go into these relationships being like, oh my God, I met someone. This is gonna be it. I think I found my person and then it starts to Peter. And it's really hard to come back from these. I know I've had a lot of these and while of course you want them to result in more. I think they're still relational experience that is beneficial, and you know, hopefully when you actually have something that's the real deal, you can look back on them and see that they were almost training wheels. Another way to kind of think about this is even when you're in a long-term relationship, you're going through stages of many relationships with your partner too. Things change, you evolve, so we don't want to minimize microwave relationships because they are the real deal. It's just that they're shorter periods of time. And you could have that with multiple people throughout your lifetime. I'm going to relate this to that movie marry me because I texted you, Julie about this. I was like, I can't believe I'm confessing to this, but I did watch marry me with J.Lo. Okay. Oh, right. I was like, did you text me this? I think I maybe just chose to ignore that. Yes. With my parents 'cause I'm missing a good RomCom and I love J.Lo and she looks ridiculous for whatever 50 some years old there she is. The movie is whatever. I think it got like 30% Rotten Tomatoes or something. So it's not gonna wear it with Eddie Oscars this year. I really hope that one day in our lifetime, J.Lo will be up for an Oscar and it will be for a RomCom, okay? But she has made her entire career out of pop culture, she's shiny movies, shiny TV shows, she's very good at that. What I really liked about this movie was she places pop star in the movie. She plays herself. Okay, and she's about to marry this other pop star who ends up cheating on her. But there were about to get married on live TV. Okay, this is the premise is ridiculous. So this is her the fourth marriage would be her fourth marriage. And then when she finds out that her man cheated on her, she's on live television and she points to a random guy in the audience and is like, you, I'm gonna marry you. And ends up being, oh, and Wilson. Okay, so this is ridiculous. I know. We don't need to go any farther into the depth of this movie. But what I like about it is someone asked her, you're getting married for the fourth time. Like, why are you doing this again? Why do you still believe in love? And she basically says, everything will lead me to love. And these are all the stages of love and she has this great song in the movie called every heartbreak was a yellow brick road. And the lyrics, Julie, I was like, this is really profound. So the lyrics are, and every heartbreak was a yellow brick road pointing me straight just taking me home. I was never lost. I was just passing through. I was on my way to you. That's profound. And I think that's why microwave relationships can be good. I mean, clearly the heartbreak and fallout is not always the best when you're in it, but I think if you didn't have much dating experience, for instance, you know, I think they couldn't be good stepping stones.

00:05:01 - 00:10:03

They're like giving you a taste of a relationship and then it gets you ready for something a bit more serious. Yeah, and I think it's really great to think about it this way. Don't think about it's like time wasted or I met the wrong person at the wrong time. It's not about that. Every relationship you get into is the right person at the right time. Think about it that way. You know what's fascinating that just maybe think about this was I feel like rom coms set us up for microwave relationships because the whole thing is about the spark this intense feeling of chemistry and we go into this on the episode we know we've taught to Logan Yuri from hinge about how she really hates the spark that the passion hates the spark and I think a lot of us are looking for a certain feeling and oftentimes this feeling that is on rom coms of I meet this person and there's some obstacle I need to get over but I'm wild about this person and then once they finally get together it cuts to the credits. I feel like if this was to actually play out in real life, it'd probably be a microwave relationship. It would probably last two months if even and then it would just fizzle out, which is I don't know these hot and heavy I'm always skeptical when they go so fast at the beginning. I feel like I've seen it happen way too often. I do think rom coms are evolving. They're getting a little bit smarter and more relevant with the times. So in this movie as cheesy as it was at one point there was a very powerful moment in there where a reporter asks her why, why did you choose him? And she's like, you know what? For so long, women have been on men's timelines. We're waiting for them, we're waiting for them to propose or waiting for them to ask me out. I'm taking that back. I want to be empowered to pick the guy and keep my name and have him earn his keep. And I was like, yes. Yes, exactly. I think La La Land, that movie. I don't know if we describe that as a RomCom. I feel like it's more of a drama, but it's on the edge of kind of it's on the edge of both. I loved that movie. And the reason why is the ending of it. It basically was like the life they could have had together and how that was it what ended up happening because that wasn't reality. The reality was that he was married to his job, which is, you know, flashback to last week's episode for anyone that missed it. But it's the reality that even if you have the perfect seemingly love story, love is an Instagram story. There's more to it that needs to go into it. And I feel like rom coms never, they usually end with the person, the people getting together. They don't usually end with that even life can't be compatible always. And I think that's what people wanted for so long. They want to hear the happy ending and just have it rolled into the credits. But then remember that movie, what was it marriage marriage story? No. Marriage. Oh yeah, the one. Yeah, the one with the guy from girls. Adam was something. I was a driver. As a driver, and was a Scarlett Johansson in there, I can't remember. Oh my God, I'm gonna look this up. You keep talking, I'm gonna look this up, but what was it? It was like marriage depressing. This is the one that they just could not keep their marriage alive. Yes. Depressing movies about marriage and let me see. There's been a few. What happens when you Google depressing movies around weddings? What comes up? So many, and I know someone's like listening to this right now. Oh, it's called marriage story. Yeah, Adam Driver, Scarlett Johansson, Laura Dern, you're right. Yes. And I think that movie why people felt like it was so groundbreaking was because it showed the ugly side of relationships and it wasn't about just getting together, but kind of like the reality of what happens. So did you like that movie? I think it gave me too much anxiety. I could have. So okay, so that's what I was going to say. I feel like from a critic perspective, it was groundbreaking for what you just said. I think it was too real for a movie. Because I feel like I came out of it in there was a lot of times and I'm like, oh my God, this is just depressing. And it's the reality sometimes, but sometimes you do need to skate from the movie. So as you did a little J.Lo getting married for the war, you know, like there needs to be a little escapism. Yes, like if when it mirrors too much of reality, you kind of are like, why am I even watching this? 'cause I'm just living right. I feel like La La Land had a good balance because they gave you the romance at the beginning and then they also showed how it was falling apart and then at the end, they both got what they wanted. He was successful in his career. She had met a more stable partner. And you were like, you were kind of bummed that it didn't end up together, but you were also kind of happy that they live this life.

00:10:03 - 00:15:00

And I think there was even a moment of hurt in the audience locking eyes with him, which ended the flashback series. So I don't know. I like the realism component, but I think that it could get on the verge of too real too. Yeah. Yeah, do you remember that movie closer with Julia Roberts, Jude Law, Natalie Portman, Clive Owen, was basically about these couples that were like cheating on each other. Hated each other. Yeah, I think this was in 2004 and I think that movie was too ahead of its time because people weren't like this is too much too real, but then marriage story came in, you know, recently. And I think people want to, you know, this is going to sound really crazy, but why we don't have robots that look like humans is because they actually had this study where they asked people, would you want a robot to look like a human and people said, no, I don't want. I don't want something that's supposed to be fantasy to look too much like reality. And I think movies really show that too. It's like people don't want it to be that real. No. But yeah, it does get real after you end a microwave relationship. I think I'm glad that we went into this with a mirror who's our guest today. And you know, we talked about this in the dating trauma episode, one of our most popular episodes with Janice. A few seasons back. And these types of relationships are really brushed under the rug, they're almost seen as insignificant, a lot of times 'cause your friends and family will be like, well, you guys weren't in a real relationship. Maybe you never defined the relationship. Maybe you didn't even have sex, like there's so many, like you didn't do this. So it's not real, but it totally undermines the feelings of what happens when you you almost get your hopes up that you've met someone amazing that this life will begin. The credits will roll and it will continue and then it just stops. Yeah. And unfortunately, I hate that we minimize it, but the fortunate thing is whenever I've been in these microwave relationships, my takeaway is, wow, I can feel that way about something. Yes. I have the capacity to have this feeling for someone. That's amazing because I can have that again with someone else. As long as you can learn from it and it doesn't keep happening over and over again. And I know for me, I remember, this was actually at our event. That we did a long, long time ago. We did this event in person. So long ago, past life. And I had this microwave relationship, I would call it was probably come month or so, but I really thought like this was someone I was going to date. And he ended up ghosting me, which is how a lot of microwave relationships end. Sometimes, you know, there'll be some closure that the person says they're just done, but a lot of times it will be also a ghost and I remember being really upset about this. But when we actually had our event, he was there. Randomly. And I didn't even remember his date. So I feel like it put in perspective that in the grand scheme of things, what can feel like the end of the world in the moment? Really ends up not being, especially when you meet someone that's a reciprocal, real, deep relationship that extends beyond the microwave. Yeah, so slow cooker. I still don't know his name. But yeah, that's the point of it, right? I think we always could put a perspective. Okay, in 5 years, what I've met by person, will I even remember this person, you know? I just, I just really hope for us to get an email, one of these days, and the subject line is like, it's Tim. That would be a big, that would be amazing. You remember your name? I remember where he worked. What he looks like. I have no idea what his name is. No idea. No. I used to keep a notebook of all the people that I either had something with or had a crush on. I used to keep a notebook of names because I didn't want to forget people's names, but then yeah, I agree. At some point you're like, I don't care. But then anytime I talk about significant relationships I've had. These people don't even come up. In the moment, I felt like they were so important. They never come up. I feel like I've had probably like ten microwave relationships over the last ten years, but I don't even quantify them as relationship history anymore. Which is the hope. Hopefully if you're in this pattern of feeling like you only have microwave relationships, one day someone will show you that all these people were insignificant. Oh, oh, related to our question of today. Okay, let me pull this up. Someone wrote in and said, I can't seem to get past three months. When it comes to dating, what am I doing wrong? Am I approaching dating not in the right way? Yeah. These are kind of microwave relationships. We've seen this happen, especially today.

00:15:01 - 00:20:06

Many of us go through these microwave relationships because that's just a nature of dating apps and just have us having all these choices and options out there, but if you listen to this episode, you'll see that these microwave relationships. The three months Mark, like, don't even think about it as a three month Mark. Just think about that you've had these relationships and they're teaching you something along the way. And every time you come out of a relationship, it's always good to sit and think, what is a gift that was given to me? Even it was three weeks, three months, three days, three hours? Someone gave you a gift in there. Think about the gift and how you can bring that into the next relationship. If it's what you're looking for, that it's a long-term relationship, past three months. I think it's really important to communicate that when you're early dating to say I'm looking for something with longevity here, are you kind of looking for the same thing. You want to go with the flow, but at the same time you have to set the mindset right from the beginning and not play the cool girl of like, hey, anything goes, whatever. You're going to go with the flow or the nice guy. Those two characters come out a lot. I think timing is interesting because on one side it's all arbitrary. If you're seeing someone for three months every day of the week, that's a lot different than if you're seeing them once every two weeks or once every month. We've heard from a lot of people that are like, yeah, I've been dating this person for three months, and I saw them last month. It's like, okay, so you've gone out three times then, or four times, so I think the timepiece, I would probably try to say like, let's get away from holding that so near and dear as an indicator of the success of a relationship. So that's first thing. That being said, I do think there are some timelines that just are kind of baked into all of our heads. And I think three months is one of them. And 6 months is another one. There's actually studies that, you know, if you make it past three months, there's a better chance that it will be an actual relationship. And I think a lot of it is that people are not defining the relationships right away. People are dating multiple people at once, maybe they're seeing you once a week or once every two weeks. And at the beginning, it's almost expected to stay at age that you can do that, but I feel like around three months is usually when feelings start to get involved and people start to be like, okay, do I want to actually pursue a relationship with this person? Or I'm not actually looking for a relationship and it kind of seems like this person is and I probably should be the good person and let them go. So I think there's a reason why this comes up a lot. We hear this question all the time. I can't get past three months or three dates. There are these little arbitrary numbers that people make decision factors on. So that's one piece. I would say there's nothing wrong with you at all. I think a lot of daters struggle to get past three months. And even three dates is an accomplishment this day and age. And I think that the reality is that if you might not get past three months with every person you're dating, there might be one or two, but those are going to be the significant relationships that you have. And I think you just haven't met that person yet. There's nothing wrong with you, all of these are stepping stones. The fact that you had a three month relationship with someone that you were excited about and that maybe felt like more than past relationships is a good step it's amazing. Yellow brick road, right? In that direction. So I think thinking about it less as there's something wrong with me. I've talked about this before I did this exercise with my therapist that was like kind of getting to this root of this limiting belief, like I'm not a relationship person. And she had me look at my life and be like, was I actually trying to be in a relationship for all these years? It wasn't that I was actively trying for 20 odd years and I couldn't do it. It was I was moving to a new city. I was focused on my career in that timeline. It's easy to say, oh, there's something wrong with me. I can't make it past three months, but how many times have you really even been in that position that it's a pattern? You got this. You got this. Slow cooker's next microwave is just the first pass. It's an evolution of relationships. Right, it's like microwave stove top, pressure cooker, slow cooker. Then frozen dinners. Well, I think that. That's a good segue to announcements. Announcements this week will say, share this with a friend. We haven't said that in a bit, but I feel like we've all been in microwave relationships. Whether it's to help someone out in their current state, or maybe to help them see how far they've come. Even if you are in a serious relationship now or you've been able to get out of this pattern, this can be a good reminder of the progress you've made. Sometimes it's hard to see the progress we're making, especially if we're not at our end goal, but progress is always happening.

00:20:06 - 00:25:02

So share this with a friend, give us a rating and review on Apple podcasts, 5 stars, please. It really does help us. So thank you, thank you, thank you in advance. And let's do a few messages from our sponsors. This episode is sponsored by better help online therapy. Relationships take work, especially the most important one you have in your life, your relationship with yourself. A lot of us will drop anything to go help someone we care about. We'll go out of our way to treat other people well, but how often do we give ourselves the same treatment, so this month, better help online therapy wants to remind you that you matter just as much as everyone else does, and therapy is a great way to make sure you show up for yourself. For me, therapy has been an eye opening experience, because I didn't realize how much I needed the support and tools to process my feelings. Better help is online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist. So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable than in person therapy, and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Give it a try and see why over 2 million people have used better help online therapy. This podcast is sponsored by better help and dateable listeners get 10% off their first month at better help dot com slash dateable. That's BET TER HELP dot com. Okay, let's hear it from a mirror about microwave relationships. I'm stoked because we're going to be talking about a topic that we have a term for. We're going to call this microwave relationships, okay? And what are microwave relationships? Do you like that mirror? Yeah, I did. Describe to so well, right? There are short, many relationships that are short, but intense, and they kind of leave with long-lasting effects. So kind of like a microwave, it's intense for however many minutes, you put in there, things get heated up, and then once you take it out of the microwave, it's still hot, right? So it's not like it's over. And then a cool style real fast. That it cools out. Yes. And maybe it tastes a little different than putting in the oven for two hours, but it still doesn't drop. And it's still losing a pressure. I'm liking this term more and more. But we are here to talk about microwave relationships that may last one to three months, but it's such an intense feeling that it could take some people years to get over. And maybe your relationship was defined, maybe it wasn't, but it has lasting impact. The mirror, your nodding your head. Exactly. You are, you are here to talk. I am totally exactly this, who is a mere he's 31 years old, lives in New York City, been there for the past 5 years, originally from turkey, currently dating someone but having to find the relationship, but not the person that we will be talking about today or the relationship we'll be talking about today. So we are going to focus our attention on this microwave relationship you had and how it affected you. So let's start there, tell us about the story. How did you first meet her? Dating apps? So we match and then we start talking. We talk briefly with each other very briefly. I feel like when you talk or you have kind of like phone conversation before going on a first date, it creates some sort of expectation. So before going on a date, you're just like, I don't know, what do you do for work? What I do, those kind of stuff. And then I was like, okay, like this week, I don't have that much to do. Let's meet and then she was like, okay, and then going on a first date, I went with really little expectation. So when she walked in, I was like, oh my God, this is it. I was like really mind blown. So when I saw her, I was like, oh my God. And then this is the one thing that you are attracted to person, right? And then when we start talking, I was just like, there is a chemistry, like you kind of like similar things. She was an artist, like her painting was amazing. I architect. So like kind of like the same thing, what we do for our job. The other thing is that she really valued the family. So I feel like it's really important for me to select the first date I was like, oh my God, I think I find one. So after the first date. After the first day, I was pretty sure I was like, oh my God, this is really. This might be the one. So I will just put my time and try to make it work. So it sounds like on the app, you were definitely attracted, but maybe not to the level that when she walked through the door. But when she walked to the door is pretty instant for you. How would things progress after this date? Did you feel like she felt the same chemistry you felt? Yeah, I think so because after she went back home, she texted me. She was like, how great time she had, and then she wanted to see me again. That's what she said. The next day we did a meet, we just text each other, and then we set up another date for the next day, following day.

00:25:03 - 00:30:00

Okay. Yeah, going on a second date. I think I made a mistake because I said let's go to drive in theater. I feel like that's a mistake because you don't really make a connection many watching the movie. Yeah. That was kind of a waste. And then after it still was like pretty okay. I think another we didn't see each other the next day, but after the following day, she was like, why don't you come to my place? I will cook for you. So like every other day, you guys were seeing each other. The first one. I think in one week, we saw each other like four or 5 times kind of. Wow. One time, it was I think Mother's Day, I was talking to my mom and I kind of mentioned about her. I was like, mommy, I find someone. And then I think my mistake was like telling her this, I shouldn't supposed to. Like, I think it was too early to say something like this. Maybe like this make her a little bit like freak out. Maybe she was feeling like, oh my God, this guy going so intense. So I recognize that and I was like, oh my God, like, okay, like you do need to take a step back. So I don't really lose the control when I but I'm dating with people. So this time it was so different than I felt like I need help. I need someone advice. So we like the good details where you guys intimate in this week. What do you mean by Internet? Well, however, you want to interpret it. Yeah, I mean, I guess anything from holding hands to kissing to have exacts. Okay, like so when she invite me to her place, I went right and then she cooked, we eat dinner. Like her roommate was there and stuff. She was just like, leave me in the room. She goes to bed, and then she was just like, I have two options. I'm like, either I have to leave, and then I have to stay. In that moment, I am kind of like freaking out. She never says, hey, let's go to bed. Or something like that. I don't know. It's her place. I can not say, let's go to bed. So when she gives me two option, I'm always confused. I don't know what to do. I'm kind of freaking out. The first time this happened, I was just like, okay, I should leave. Get into my car, I start driving middle of the road. I was like, oh my God, she give me an option to sleep with her. What I am doing this. So I drive back and then I went back to her place and then that might be slept together, but we did not have sex. We just kissed, hug, and that's it. The feeling that I have too strong that those things was kind of enough. I was just like, yeah. So you were just feeling lucky to even kiss, yeah. Was that your first kiss was in bed? No, I had relationship before. Oh, no, no, yeah, with her. Was that your first kiss? In bed. I think first that we kissed. The first thing. Yeah. And then in the bed, we were just like hugging, cuddling, and then just sleeping together. And then, so I started to preach out. I was like, I need help. That's the time that I talk to one therapist. She did not give me great advice. One of the advice she was like, she told me that David other people don't have one option. That's the one thing that she said. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Yeah. The other thing, at that time, I stopped seeing her. Like I'm getting too intense that I am freaking out. I deleted everything. So like I was like, okay, I need to clean my mind. I need to move on. That was the kind of my mindset. But talking to therapists also tell me that she has interest on you. So you should keep moving with this girl. Maybe it's going to turn out to be a great relationship. Okay, before we get into that, okay, so you're dating your seeing each other four to 5 times a week. When did things take a turn that didn't keep happening? After two weeks kind of like it starts to kind of fade away. So at the time, I feel like I'm still at the same point. The first day to two weeks, I'm still in the same place, maybe like she's not. I don't want it to feel that way, so that's what I felt like I need to tear up. After the first week, you decided that you needed two weeks, two weeks. Two weeks. So you were as spiraling a little bit during this time. At that point, why was it that your immediate go to was go to a therapist versus talking to her about kind of what you're experiencing? Good question. I did. I did this up. Like I was like, hey, I am feeling something so intense. Where are you? And she was like, I am feeling something for you. I am definitely thinking about like not as intense. So when I hear this, I'm like, okay, I need to step back. So talking to the therapist didn't really help I feel. The idea that she was like, hey, talk to other people like that time now. I am going on a date, spending my time spending with other people. And I'm talking about the same girl. On the dates, you were talking about, yeah. So, okay, so the girls said that she just was not, she was feeling something for you, but not the level of feeling you were feeling.

00:30:00 - 00:35:00

Did she still want to hang out? Did you still go on dates at this point? I mean, this lasted like, I don't know, one and a half months or two months. So this is like still like we were still seeing each other during this time. Still four to 5 days a week, or was it less? Like after a certain time, it started to kind of like two times one times a week. Like after I started dating with other people, putting my interest in other people, whenever I have free time, I'm just like, hey, do I hang out this week? But still my interest in the same person. You were the one decreasing the amount of time you are spending together. Is that what I'm hearing? I am not sure about that. I don't think I was the one. I feel like she might be the one that decreased in the time. It might be both of us that start to seeing each other less. I don't know. Well it sounds like maybe you were reacting to her lesser interest by then pulling back also, which if both people start doing that, then that can explain why you start to see each other less and less. Yeah, and also what do you guys feel like? When somebody tells you, hey, I am feeling something for you, but not at the same level. What would you do in that situation? Yeah, fair. I think I would feel defeated and probably not try as hard because I can't believe that my intensity is not met with their intensity. So I totally I can feel what you are feeling at that moment. So you said this lasted about a month and a half. How did it end? How did it end? I wanted to see her again. It was just like, hey, do you want to do you want to meet this week? And then she was like, hey, I think you're such a great guy. I had so much fun with you, but I don't think we should see each other again. And when I get that message, I was just like, I couldn't accept that. So I called her. I wanted to talk. So the first question I asked, I was like, how did you come to this point? What is the reason? You came to that point. And she was just like, whatever you are feeling, I am kind of like not at that level. And then it was like a really short phone call. After the phone call, I really couldn't sleep that night. I would just like thinking everything again and again and again. I was just like, what did I do or where did I do the mistake? Something like that. After that, a couple of weeks later, I sent her a flowers. I said that like I was just thinking about you. I hope you are doing great. And then she replied, she said, like, all the flowers are created. Thank you so much. After the like I went and then I was talking to this person. I told her everything that I went through. So you were talking about her on the table. Ouch. I know. So this person was like, you still have a feeling for this girl and she every girl is looking something like this. I think you should be with this person. And then I was like, oh, gee, I feel like I talk to her about everything. But I didn't really say everything. All the details that I am telling you guys right now. I feel like I didn't tell her. So I was like, okay, one last message and then I'm done. And then I did that. And then I sent the last message I explained everything all the therapists, everything that I've been through. I just said that like I wish you the best. I think you're such a great person. Wait, so you buried your soul through text message about all the stuff that you had been feeling for her, but then the end was, I wish you the best, like you didn't give her an opportunity to reply. I mean, I didn't want it to look like I feel like I wanted to move on to. Like, I feel like I wanted to end this. That's why I said that like you're such a great person, amazing. Like all the time I spent with you that just amazing. That was it. I didn't expect her to reply. Where were you expecting what this message what were your intentions behind it, just to let her know of these feelings that you had already communicated with her? Yes, yes. I feel like I was going so I was feeling something so intense that. I just wanted to let her know. These are the feelings these are what I been through. And just letting you know. I am not expecting anything from you but this is it. And was there a reply? No. And then she did not. She didn't reply. Well, I'm assuming there are some goal of closure for you by sending that in a way. Yeah, like I wanted to really finish everything. I feel like if I didn't let her know, it will be always in my head at some sort of question. You could say everything that you felt like you've been through. But like you didn't do that. That's the biggest reason why I did that. And was that the last time you communicated with her? Yep. Wow. Big sigh. How long ago is this? At this point, like how many months have now passed? I think it's like 6 months. Okay. So first couple months, I was trying to still find an answer. What I did that caused this. So that was my intention going on a date. Now, like it's totally different now.

00:35:00 - 00:40:02

So I go on a date. It's like, I'm just looking forward to the same feeling. That's what it changed in my perspective. So you're looking for the same feeling you had with her. Same feeling, yes. I was so sure about everything. I don't think I was I was able to felt that way. And what was your relationship experience before this? Like, had you had a lot of relationships or dated a lot? Or was this very new? I mean, dated a lot, yes. And then also I had like four years relationship. Okay. And it was not this intense. Nope, never ever. Interesting. Because sometimes it's just like there's no experience, right? But it sounds like that isn't the case here. It's your first time feeling this intensity in a relationship. And it just felt like everything was so right. Like she is the one. That was the first time you ever felt something like that. Okay. Okay. So for a few months after you weren't feeling great, still trying to chase that intensity. And then what shifted your mindset and experience into now being in a new relationship? It's just so tithing. You can't keep going on a date and talking about someone else. I know that that's not right. At that time, I really wanted to find an answer. So I can really move on. It wasn't really a relationship. So that's the theme. I felt like if I spent, I don't know, a year or something, it will take me such a long time to kind of move on. So when you wrote into us, you shared that it was hard to date because you just were constantly comparing her to everyone else. How did you kind of move forward with this with the current person you're dating? How did you stop comparing her to everyone? Did I stop? Or do you still do that? I think sometimes, yes. Sometimes I am just imagining maybe if this was if this was her, maybe it wouldn't be much better. Sometimes I think about that. So she came back into your life now and said, I thought about things. I think I'm ready to give this another. Do you I'm sure you replay this scenario in your head all the time. I do. What would you do? Would you just drop everything for her again? I don't know. Maybe I don't know. I mean, that doesn't seem right. There is a lot of time passed. And when something doesn't work, it's not going to work. If you give a second chance. Like, I don't think it's going to work. So, but in my head, if I see her again, I will definitely take a chance to talk to her. And see what happens. Do you think she's somehow getting in the way of you defining the relationship with the current person you're seeing? Maybe yes. It might be. In what way? Like, I feel like I am really comparing it. That was so intense feeling. They're like, I don't know, like every time I spend with another person, I'm kind of comparing, is it the same feeling? That's the thing. In that way, I'm really comparing it like most of the people that I see with. How long have you been in this current one? I feel like two weeks or something. Okay. Yeah, this is very new. Well, I don't want to completely dissect your situation, but it does sound like there's still a heaviness to what you're experiencing. And you haven't fully let go, which that's not a secret. But maybe we can talk more generally about why these microwave relationships can leave such a lasting impact and why it's so hard to move from them. And sometimes in your situation, I would love to hear from you a mirror. Is it her or is it just the timing or the serendipity of YouTubing brought together? Is it specifically about her or is it about the two of you together? I think it's about her. Really? I think so. Be part of I met her like I've been like many dates. I have never ever felt that way with any person that just walked into room. So it was definitely her. I mean, I can just speak to my own experience, obviously, every experience is slightly different. But we've all been in these microwave relationships and I feel like they always start off really hot and fast. So what you said about each other, the four to 5 times a week. It's actually the opposite of a healthy growing relationship, right? Where you start to see each other more and more, you often have to see each other less and less until you're getting breadcrumbed essentially. You're getting just the scraps of this relationship. And I have definitely been there myself. And I think a big piece of what makes these difficult twofold. One is that you're in love with this fantasy of this person. Because you truly just don't know them well enough. Even if you have spent a lot of time with them, you're in love with this fantasy, the idea of them. And I think that's what actually makes them so difficult to get past is because there's so much on recognized opportunity. There is this whole life that you thought you could have with them or all these things that you could experience and do together. None of them panned out essentially. So you're kind of grasping onto this hope of not just losing this person, but the life that you could have had with them.

00:40:03 - 00:45:09

I've seen this before that sometimes people actually can struggle less coming out of relationships that are, you know, two, three, four, 5 plus years, ten, ten years. Yeah, exactly. Because they kind of have mentally decompressed already from it. And they've also seen it out and they say, okay, this isn't the right fit for me because of X, Y, and Z where these microwave relationships were just imagining that it's going to be the way we thought it would be. And we don't feel like we don't feel like we actually got to see it out. It's almost like you kept using really interesting language of like, what did I do wrong? Instead of just this wasn't the right fit. And I think with these types of relationships, a lot of times because there's so much that's left unanswered because we weren't in a real relationship with this person. There was no real communication. So it's all in your mind. You're basically having like a one way relationship. And that turns into self blame. Yes. I totally agree with that. I feel like maybe if you spend, I don't know a year together, this is totally this is going to be totally different experience than like a month experience that I had or like two months experience that I had with her. Yeah, or you got taken off guard. I've had really hard breakups when I didn't see it coming. When it felt like everything was going really great and you mentioned too that you felt this intense feeling. And you almost assume the other person also feels the same intense feeling you do. But the reality is you have no idea how they're feeling. Just because you feel it doesn't mean that they feel like they do. But it's hard to bring that apart. The other thing I'll add of the why I think these are difficult. We talked about this in the dating trauma episode for a while ago. It's almost like you're told that you shouldn't be sad about these types of relationships that only lasted a few months. That weren't really defined because just move on, you know, it wasn't a real relationship. But I almost feel like that shame and then just like, what did I do wrong shame? All of that kind of compounds how difficult it is to get over because you don't have an outlet to just tell them, no, this actually hurt me in what way. Yeah. It's the delusion of the relationship that really hurts us. The delusion comes from fantasizing about what could be. And you already have this robust relationship in your mind and you're just trying to convince her to get on the same page. Do you not see our future together? But ultimately, and I've talked about my microwave relationship in New York. It was two and a half months. I've talked about this a lot. What really broke the delusion for me was my mom said, can you imagine being in a long-term relationship with this person and having him do the exact same things right now, which was not reciprocating, not being communicative, and also not being on the same page. Right now he may say he doesn't feel the same feelings for you, but can you imagine a year from now he still says the same thing? Is that a sustainable relationship? It is not. So that broke the delusion for me and the other delusion of all of this is that for these microwave relationships, we walk away thinking I haven't convinced this person that I am the perfect person for them yet. I must show them all the different sides of me and did they know that I also did this and I have these accomplishments and I'm willing to do this but then you have to sit back and think the right person does not need to be convinced they just know that you are the one and they accept you for who you are in this moment in time. You start spiraling for the months after the microwave. You start spiraling because like, oh my gosh, I didn't tell her this yet. And I need to hurt this. It should be it to me. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I think I am totally agree. Let's hold that thought for a few messages. This episode is made possible by sugar break. I have a confession. I have a sweet tooth. Every year I make it a goal to eat less sugar, and I'm not alone in this 90% of Americans are actively trying to reduce their sugar intake. But this year, I may actually accomplish that goal with sugar break. A plant based natural solution that helps people manage their blood sugar as part of a healthy lifestyle without completely altering their daily lives or costing an arm and a leg. There are three core products, the sugar break resist. It's a natural minty fresh breath strip that blocks sweet taste in food and curbs sugar cravings on the spot. 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00:45:10 - 00:50:00

This applies to any products on the site. Again, just go to WWW dot sugar break dot com slash dateable and use the code DAT ABL E for 15% off your entire order. This episode is brought to you by drizzly. If you look for it every day has cause for celebration. Celebrate a friend for their promotion, baby, wedding life thing. Celebrate yourself for keeping the couch warm. It's no easy feat, especially if it's a big couch. Or maybe you just want to celebrate living in 2022, where you can get beer, wine, and spirits deliver from drizzly in under 60 minutes without leaving, said couch. No wonder drizzly is the number one app for alcohol delivery. And remember to share the love, you can get alcohol delivered to your friends and your coworkers, what a nice surprise. Right now, drizzly is giving all new customers $5 off their first order with the code fast 5. So download the drizzly app or go to drizzly dot com that spelled DRI Z, LY dot com and use the promo code fast 5 that spelled FAST number 5 for $5 off your first order. You're welcome. Have you ever thought about how much better dating would be if you had a whole army of people supporting you along the way? We know that dating can be frustrating and lonely, but it can also feel fulfilling and fun. Have you recently decided you want to make some changes to your love life? Maybe you've recently reentered the dating scene. Maybe you've gone on one too many dates that went nowhere, or maybe you're just ready to take your current relationship to the next level. That is exactly why we created the sounding board, a true extension of our podcast that delivers a personalized experience, which includes monthly office hours where you can drop in and chat with us about anything. Weekly sound offs with guided discussions and regular virtual happy hours, allow Julie and I to become your dating sherpas to provide real-time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can all navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. Again, that's dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. A lot of talk about the spark because we know we've chat to Logan Yuri about this. She says fuck the spark. She believes that that is actually the most detrimental sign of a relationship. And you know, I'm mixed on this one. I think there needs to be some poll, but I also agree that sometimes these people where we have the strongest feelings for or they seem like the most charismatic person in the room or the most engaging or all the things that make you drawn to someone don't always correlate to the characteristics that matter in a relationship. Some of the unsexy characteristics are things that sometimes we can find boring. I guess I'd love to just kind of go around and get people's thoughts on the spark feeling and do we think that it is possible or do we think it really is just kind of a filler for maybe an illusion of not a real relationship. The thing is that this spark right, it makes me compare with everybody. It's like, I know I'm going to feel this way again. Because I feel like that was such a right feeling. That was such a strong feeling that I want to feel it that way with the person that I'm going to build a family with or something like that. So you said that your mom said, can you imagine being in a relationship with this person? And I think she's told it right. I agree with that. But it was such a big spark that I feel like I'm still competing with other people. And how can I pass this? Well, I think Logan says fuck the spark because the spark is not long-lasting. It's not sustainable. It's something that comes from this world of unknown. I'm interested in this person because they're so mysterious. There's so much I don't know about them. But what is interesting that we can map to every subsequent relationship we get in is, what is the feeling I want to feel around this person? And this is why I ask the question is about her or is it about your dynamic together? If it's purely about the other person, that is a superficial spark. And a lot of times that spark comes from being very attracted to someone physically. And then all of a sudden, everything they do is attractive because you're like, oh my gosh, and then she's also an artist. And she's also this and her family is great, right? Everything adds on because your brain again is trying to convince you why this person is the one. That's all on her. If the chemistry is between two people, how do I want my partner to feel to make me feel when I'm around them? That you can map to every relationship because that is real.

00:50:00 - 00:55:06

I feel safe, desired. I feel comfortable. I feel content. I feel sexy. Those are tangible feelings that override the spark. I see. Okay. I think a piece of it too is I've definitely been here before is that someone brought out a side of me that I really liked. That I'm like, oh, I saw myself in a way that I haven't before. They saw this in me. And I think what that really is is a deeper call to how can you activate that more in yourself. And that doesn't actually need any partner to do that. You don't need this girl. You can just take some of the dynamics between the two of you and how can you fulfill that. So then when you meet someone else, you'll start to feel that too. The other thing to add here is you definitely want to create this spark. I keep hearing it when you speak of when you first met. But then let's talk about the other feelings you've had. You've described it here that you felt anxious. You felt in your head. You felt confused. You felt not enough sad. Ashamed. Right. All of that. So I think with your trying to find someone new. It's not just thinking about that one feeling. It's the whole picture. And maybe you won't find someone that's as bold of initial spark. But the whole picture will actually be a lot brighter for you. So can you start to look at it in a different way, so you're not comparing every person to this feeling unless you just want to recreate these month and a half long microwave relationships over and over again that start off hot and fizzle real fast. Okay, there is another question that I think it comes up like so all of this population is it turns to be microwaveable is it like turns out to be great relationship? Oh, that's a very good question. I think a very, I think it honestly varies. I've heard of people who have this initial spark, the beginning, it becomes a microwave relationship. And then they're apart for years, so they can grow up, and then they get back together. Or relationships that have the initial spark, and then the spark only carries them for so long. And then they start resenting each other because they're like, where the fuck did the spark go? Let's get the spark back. So I think the spark is like the third character in this relationship that doesn't deserve to be in this threesome. We don't need to put all of our energy on this spark when the energy should be around you and this other person. The spark is just a third character. Get rid of it. Does not need to be a star in your movie at all. I see, yeah. Yeah, I think that's where a mixed on the spark, because I do think there needs to be some like oomph connection, right? Yes. Like going on a first date, like seeing someone that you are really attractive, and you're just like, oh my God, this might be the one. Like, I feel like after her, I did it. Because they were so much beautiful than her, but still nothing, that feeling again. I think this feeling of they might be the one on day one. We have to expectation check on that. The reality is we just don't know if they're going to be the one. All we should be thinking about on day one is do I enjoy being in this person's presence? Am I having fun? Do they make me feel good about myself? Do I want to see them again? That's all we need to think about. So by projecting the future, it's just too much pressure for anyone. With the spark, I definitely think people that have a spark can continue to have a healthy relationship, but it can't be just the spark in their camp be the spark and then a zillion anxious feelings following the spark. So I think it's less about the spark and more about just the total picture of how you feel with them. And we've also seen people like that like each other enough, want to date go on another date and then that spark continues to grow over time. And I would say for you a mirror, why cut yourself off? Like let yourself be open to either form. I would really just go into each date of, do I want to see this person again? And go from there in less about is there the spark is this person the one? Are they like the other person? It just take it for what it really is. Yeah, I think so. I think look at my words really helpful. Like I should definitely don't look for a spark. I should also think about data things that am I happy with this person or like the time that I spent. It was just like really great. I feel like it's really hard when you've felt that feeling. It's much easier said than done. It's like very hard to snap out of it and say, forget the spark, I'm just going to go by more sustainable feelings from now. Nobody's that pragmatic, but I think what this creates an opportunity is for you to go on these dates and ask the date, what are your opinions about the spark? Collect some data, do some research. Like, listen to what other people think. Because all these dates were so afraid to bring up these sort of conversations, we have the data view questions.

00:55:06 - 01:00:03

And then we don't get to know each other better. Maybe just by even asking this question, it will create a spark because it is such a different way of approaching a date. But don't talk about your past spark on them. Sometimes it comes. They were like, hey, what is the best data and stuff? So when they ask, that's what I told about. I talk about the spark. And when I talk about it, I give too much detail to and I should have. But you can choose how to answer that question with anything on a date. You can choose what your best date could be. It could be an activity you did if you don't want to get into the nitty Gritty details of your past connection with someone else. It could be like, what's a great date? What I'm having right now with you. You don't need to go into the whole past. I think the past should really be avoided, especially on date one. I think down. The line you can definitely bring up the past to help as a way to get to know someone and where they came from and who they are. But on the first date, the worst thing to be on a date is to hear about someone else's past dates. Can I ask another question? Okay, when you told us about the past, isn't it tells you what kind of person they are in the relationship? Not in that detail. Not in that detail. I don't think it needs to be that detailed. I think your past can be summed up as I was in a short term microwave relationship and there'll be like, oh, what's a microwave relationship and that you could tell them? And you'll sound really cool. So you have a new term. That was really intense. And it helped me learn that I can have really deep feelings for someone. Like something like that. I don't think you need to go into detail of we hung out a lot. The first week, and then it died, I like, nobody needs to know all of that, and also that doesn't give me any information about who you are. Oh, okay. No, I would definitely not be thinking like, oh, a mayor would make a great boyfriend because he's talking about some other girl he's been with. I would be like, he's not over his ex. Is what I'm saying. Yeah, that's major red flags. I would have been like, check, please. Yes. So okay, that's a good segue then. So coming out of this, now that we're having this conversation, what do you think you did learn from this microwave relationship? Clearly, I don't have the answer. I think what I learned is, I feel like there should be definitely chemistry. That's the one thing that I feel like it will work. Like they should be similar interests. You know, I will say. And then I feel like the other thing will be like able like the things that they value. Other than us, what are doing? I feel like also don't give up too easy. Like if you hit feeling something super strong, just keep it to yourself. Don't be like open book. Like this was hurtful because I was so open. That's interesting. Yeah, those weren't the takeaways that I would have gotten from their story. Simply because I feel like what I learned from your story is that you can't convince someone to like you back or feel the same intensity. So that's already information about that person really early on. I feel like I would learn to be an open book, especially in the beginning stages because that gives them information and how they react gives you information. And if I find out the person I feel so intensely about does not feel the same way about me, then I know we're not on the same page. I'm not going to waste my effort trying to convince that person. There is no point in that. When I was in my microwave relationship, I just kept thinking, if I hold back for one more day, then I get to spend one more day with him. Everything was worth that one more day with this person. But when I look back, I could have cut that off in the first month and had a whole month and a half to myself working on myself, then trying to figure out if I can get this person on the same page. That is time and energy wasted. So I'm like, I'm always, I almost feel like I have the opposite takeaways from your story. I think so, yeah. I mean, your takeaways is much, much better than mine. Oh, no, no, no. You're very hard on yourself. I think that's exactly what I was going to say. I think this is a learning opportunity. This whole thing, if we can look at it, what do I learn that this is an opportunity to shed light into some of the work that maybe that you need to do? And that's not everyone needs to do work. So it's nothing like personal for you, but yeah, you're so hard on yourself with this. Like at the end of the day, you want to find someone that can see you for who you are, the amazing person that you are, that we see. And how can you change the mindset of if I did X, Y, and Z differently, this person would like me to, if this person doesn't see me for who I am, then I don't like them.

01:00:03 - 01:05:06

And I think that really puts you in the control and the driver's seat of dating opposed to weaving or trying to convince someone to like you. I think that it's good that you said you're feelings at the end, but I wish you framed it in a different way. I wish you said maybe this is a learning is how can we texting does not mean that we're communicating? Yes. I think sometimes especially when it comes to matters of the heart, texting is the worst method of communication. I think so. And I think also it's like there's why am I sending this message at the end of the day? I mean, honestly, I'm thinking about what I would do if I got this huge message of how much this person liked me, how much feelings they had for me and then at the end was like best of luck and not really giving you an opportunity to even have that conversation. Like you could have got the same closure by reaching out to them and saying like, hey, I've been thinking about this a lot. There's a lot of things that I wish I said to you. Would you be open to doing a phone call or meeting for coffee? And then having that as a heartfelt conversation and if they don't respond, they don't respond. You get the same closure than if you dump all that out and give them no exit anyways. But I think we need to really think about why are we communicating at the end of the day? So I think my biggest takeaway is how can we start to do things with intention and how can we use micro relationships to teach us with a future so we don't keep getting into micro relationships or sorry microwave relationships. How can we how can we micro relationships too that also works? Doesn't sound as good. It's like how can we learn for I think the most important thing with dating in my opinion is learning. So with every experience, even if it's not a good experience, I look at it as a win if you can learn something from it. Yes. If you don't get into another situation in the same exact thing happens again. That's when it becomes insanity when you repeat the same thing over and over again. As long as you're learning and growing and each relationship is building on one another to get you closer to ultimately what you desire, which is a reciprocal partnership for most of us. We don't want these one sided situation ships at the end of the day. So I think micro relationships are good in the sense that they're giving us some relationship experience still, still better to be out there than to not be doing anything, but how can we learn from them and not get into a cycle of microwave relationships? And the other takeaway I had too is we got to stop viewing someone not reciprocating feelings as rejection in rejection makes it personal. It makes it feel like you did something wrong. You did nothing wrong in this case. All you did was communicate to someone that you had feelings for them. And if they can't meet that, then they're not the right person for you. And I don't want you to walk away from this saying that you need to hold back. And you need to not be authentic in how you feel. I think the right person will see that and eventually be okay with that. Maybe you could say like, I'll pace relationships a little better that I'm not putting all my stock in the relationship from day one and letting it grow a bit more organically. That's a way you could pace yourself but not hold back. I'd rather take chances than not take any chances because I think when you take chances inevitably something is going to stick. I know for me personally, I was getting rejected left and right, it felt like before I bet my current partner. But I looked at it as this is a moment of my dating life that I'm actually taking risks. And I think it's easy to do nothing and to not take those chances and yet feels better for your ego. But what does that ultimately getting you? So take that risk, but don't view it as a personal attack. It's not. It's simply someone making room for someone that's better suited for you. I feel like when you ask me the question, hey, what did you learn about this relationship? I feel like I never looked at it that way. Now, I think about it, I'm like, oh my God, yes. I should definitely what I learned and things like that. I should definitely look at it that way that I can, I can focus on, I don't know, my next relationship, like in a different way. Yeah. That's great. Instead of trying to replicate this, how can you learn and then grow the next one? The growth the next one, yes. I totally agree. That's key because we think about these microwave relationships as things we bounce from quickly when in reality we need the time to learn from them. I think the reason why you seem so defeated right now is because you haven't spent the time to process this microwave relationship yet.

01:05:06 - 01:10:00

And you're also building on the shame of saying, oh, it's been 6 months, or it was only two and a half months, and you're just building on more of that guilt of, oh, I really need to get past this versus taking the time to process. And allow you give yourself that care to do that because you deserve to do that. I think the key measurement of a good relationship or even starting out is if you feel something about somebody, the first person you want to tell is that person. If your first inclination is to talk to a friend, a family member, a therapist, there is something there because you're afraid to tell this person something or communicate your true feelings. So if you feel like there's nothing more lonely than being with somebody and not telling them exactly how you feel. That is a very lonely place to be. So when you start feeling that, that is a clue that something may not be most healthy. And I think what Julie said earlier on was making a list of the feelings that this person had made you felt is a good way to journal too. Sure, she made you feel alive in the spark and this and that and excited, but then let's list all out everything you're currently feel. And then when you see it on paper a mirror, it's like, oh my gosh, your mind will be blown because all of the negative feelings will eventually outnumber the positive feelings. And that will help you visually get over this person. I will do that after this one. Yeah, yeah. That's a great exercise for you. And the one final thought for you is this. There is someone right for you. This person was not right for you. So the sooner you can set them free, the faster you can both go find someone who's right for you. By you hanging on to this past relationship, it is very unfair for the current person you're seeing, the next person you're going to date, all the people you're dating. Even the people you are dating while you are seeing her because the therapist told you to see multiple people. That is so unfair to all the road kill out there who are just what are they there for? There's placeholders. So think about that too because you're also doing someone else a favor by processing this relationship. Sometimes you need to slow down to speed up and that could be taking a break from dating until you are in a place to view people as a new person. You're going to be not do I have the same spark and feeling as I did with this other person. You are like, how long did it take you to kind of get over the park? I never processed it, so it took me like 5 years. Honestly. I kept chasing it. I never processed it. To me, I was I just kept thinking, oh, if I could feel that way again. You know, if I could feel that way again. And once I processed it, flush it out of my system, now I think back, oh my goodness, I wasted 5 years of my life trying to process this. Because what you know what ultimately happened, I don't know if you have heard the story on previous episodes, was a few years later after we had end of things. He reached out to me again, and we hung out and had a makeout sesh, and I felt the intensity again. And I professed everything to him. It was verbal diarrhea. Oh, the last few years has been so lonely without you. I feel this and that about you. He was in such shock. He's like, I can't spend any more time tonight with you. He went home and wrote me an email, saying, I do not feel the same way about you. And it just not right for me to keep seeing you. After this was one night. You don't want that to happen, 'cause that's exactly what could happen. The intensity is not matched. And then what happens? You just get more hurt. Then I moved to Beijing so that really helped. I need to, I moved out of the country to move to another country, then you'll be all flat. I think though this is why we wanted to have this topic, though, is that we've all been there. Whether you're in it now or you've had it in the past. And I think if you've had it in the past, when you're actually in a reciprocal relationship, you can see how much time you wasted with someone that quite frankly is insignificant. But when you're in the thick of it, it is hard to get through it. So like UA said, the sooner you can see it for what it is and not hold other people to the same standard because why would you want to recreate this? And having that outlook, the sooner it would set you free to find someone that matches your energy. Well, thank you so much for getting vulnerable with us, getting real. I mean, so many people are probably nodding their head. Listening to this right now, because they probably are like, this is exactly what I'm going through. Yeah, I hope you do that journal exercise and get a little bit more clarity around this. I will do it today tonight. I will just be able to come down and see what happens. Go journal away.

01:10:03 - 01:13:12

Oh, thank you so much for coming on our show really appreciate the open conversation and for all of our listeners. This is why we created the podcast in the first place was to create a safe forum for us to discuss these. I don't know, society thinks it's just like nothing. You know, the society kind of minimizes these short term microwave relationships as hookups or situation ships when they could ultimately really impact your adult dating life and the quality of your dating life. So I'm glad that we can have this discussion and for anybody who wants to share their journey, this is the forum to do it and we want to provide that safe environment for you all to share. And another great environment to share is Apple podcasts. If you can share 5 star reviews about us and a little note about why you love us, that is also great feedback for us and it does help us give you better content, book better sponsors, book better guests, all of it, just keeps helping us improve our content. And with that said, we're going to wrap up this episode. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There, you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. Facebook's safety teams protect billions of people each month. They lead the industry in stopping bad actors online. That's because they've invested more than $13 billion in the last 5 years. Quadrupling their safety and security teams to 40,000 people and investing in industry leading AI technology to enhance safety on their platforms. It's working. Over the last several months, they've taken action on 1.7 billion fake accounts. 51.7 million violent and graphic posts, 62 million explicit adult posts, 9.3 million drugs and firearms sales posts, but working to reduce harmful and illicit content on their platforms is never done. Keeping your feed safe will continue to be everyone's priority at Facebook. Learn more about how they're helping people connect and share safely at about dot FB dot com slash safety.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.