They say the past is in the past....but should it be? Sometimes reflecting back on our past relationships is exactly how we get to where we want to go. We're going deep with comedian Des Bishop about how his relationships with others (and the one with himself) got him to the place to be with now-wife and fellow comedian Hannah Berner. We discuss how our priorities ebb and flow throughout the years, why dating to "do life" with each other is a better approach, and the balance of being ready and luck when meeting the right person.
Follow Des @desbishop, check out "The Des Bishop podcast", and learn more about Des at https://www.desbishop.net/
Thank you to our partners for this episode:
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Kensington Books: Kensington’s newest titles Twice a Quinceanara by Yamile Saied Mendez. You can find it wherever books are sold or visit kensingtonbooks.com
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S15E3: Unraveling Your Relationship History w/ Des Bishop
00:00:01 - 00:05:03
The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host UA Shu, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Hello, hi. Hey, what's up? Hi everyone. Welcome to another episode of the dateable podcast. You've heard this intro over and over again, but here we are. Back again for another episode and we are always committed to bring you the best dating content where we go deep, deep, deep, deep penetration dating. Unless you're due in that case, we welcome you. And I love that we're starting with deep penetration dating. So you know it's going to be a good episode. Yes. It is going to be a good episode. That's for damn sure. Just so excited to bring you new seasons and at the top of the season, we always have these themes and we talk about some of the patterns that we see. So it's whenever we come back with a new episode, we get really excited. It's like we have this gift and we can deliver to you and as you unwrap with your years, if that sounds really strange. Love it. You know what I mean? I do want to, before we get to the intro of the episode, I do want to add an addendum to our conversation from last week where we made these gender generalizations and caveat with that that women plan more and then plan less and two weeks ago. Two weeks ago. Two weeks ago. Seemed like last week and it's been lingering in my mind and I just want to redeem my partner because I realize holy shit. We're about to go on this four year anniversary vacation for two weeks and it's a surprise and he planned the entire thing and I'm very grateful for him putting in all the work. And I don't know why this completely escaped my mind when we're having this conversation because the man literally gave me image board with all the clues, so I know what to pack for what kind of weather he booked all the hotels, all the flights, like come on, okay? Give this man a break. Not all men don't plan 'cause obviously my partner is doing all the planning for this trip. I do love that you forgot this as in the middle of this because you knew you were going out this trend. Yes. It's one of those things we've talked about this before and I don't want to undermine what he's doing at all because I think it's a phenomenal. But sometimes the grand gesture, like the little things do kind of add up over time too, like the grand gestures incredible, but we do kind of like fixate on the day to day, which isn't right by any means. But it's kind of funny that you just forgot this huge grand gesture and then focused on the everyday weekend. I think it's because my partner is so different than any one I've ever dated. And I almost take it for granted how different he is. The man when we moved into this apartment in LA, he had an Excel spreadsheet and a timeline of when we should get the furniture when we should get the utilities up by because he's like a project manager really in his day to day. And so he's always planning. So I have to really give credit where credit's to I do have a wonderful partner who actually loves to plan and it drives him crazy that I don't plan as much as he does. You know, it's making me complacent 'cause he plans so well and he plans all the time. I feel like that's a good segue though into this episode because you know we talk about really just how all of our relationship history builds on each other and sets us up for that next partner. And sometimes we think of these past people as roadkill or the people that didn't make it along the way or waste of time even. It sometimes brings up some of the stereotypes that we have and that might not even be present day of what we're doing but also in the fats that a lot of times we think that, especially when something ends, we'll never find it again. But I know from past experience, usually every relationship I've had has gotten more and more serious and I become more and more myself and I've become more and more the partner being the partner I want to be and that having the partnership that I want to have. And I look back and I'm like, I'm so glad some of those early relationships didn't work out. And that's not just because they were not the right person, but I wasn't the right person either. So it's really important to remember that some of our stereotypes or the things that we're scared about because we've been hurt before.
00:05:04 - 00:10:06
That doesn't mean that's going to be the future because we're constantly learning from all our relationship experience. We're kind of like babies exploring the world when we're dating people. And in those early stages, you're just like, do I like this? Do I not like this? And it's good to have those subjects, you know, for you to at least have an opinion about. And I'm glad that we're at a place now, at least in this place of dateable podcast, both Julie and I have a pretty strong stance on dating and what we like and what we don't like in a partnership, but I think that took years of our own past relationships and also just talking to other daters and learning from that. Yeah, and today's episode we have a comedian des bishop, who was a delight to talk to and, you know, I didn't know how deep we were going to get. With comedians, you think a lot of times it's going to be light and funny. And there were definitely those moments in it. But we got pretty deep. We got pretty deep into the relationship we've had with others and also the relationship we have with ourselves, which is clearly a recurring theme on this podcast. And one of the reasons we found him too, we've been seeing some of his comedy but also his now wife was on the bravo show summer house. And she also has a podcast that's pretty popular, Hannah burner is her name. And I definitely, I never had seen summer house before. The interview with him, but I had heard about it and had friends that watched it. It's not, but it's pretty funny. It's pretty interesting. It reminds me of real world, but in 2022, or 20, I think it started a couple of years ago. Basically, they all go to a Hamptons house and get fucked up and hook up with each other. And you know there's a lot of relationships that have stem from it. And I actually watched the episode where Dez came to the summer house. So that was kind of funny to watch it after talking to him. Well, their relationship started while she was filming summer house, right? So there's a lot of variables at play that could have deter their relationship, but it didn't because it ended in marriage, but I really like this conversation because we always ask about what are some of the defining moments in your life that inspired you to choose this direction. So that's a question for all of you listening to is like, what are the defining moments in my previous relationships that have directed me to where I am today? Yeah, and I mean, I think some of you might be saying, well, I'm not a reality TV or I'm not a comedian, but this conversation relates to everyone and it lets us reflect back on our relationship history in those pivotal moments like you were just saying, you a, and I think even talking to Dez, there were moments that maybe he wouldn't have equated to be so essential in meeting his now wife, but looking back and looking at how we talked a lot about the pandemic and just slowing down in life and we've all had those moments of reflection to get clear at what matters in that stuff has been time in time out one of the pivotal moments that sets someone up to meet their person. Every day I thank all of my partners access for setting him up for me. Thank you women for doing the things to get him ready for me and I hope he feels the same way about my exes. It's not that it's not that it was a time wasted. It was perfect timing actually for those relationships to happen so that we can meet and be right for each other. Yeah, there was probably some girl that called about for not planning enough and now he's making excel spreadsheets. Precisely, that is exactly what happened. And so now that's an area he works on. And I exactly love it. Do you think the benefits I love it? Yes. I am. One of the things that we talk about too at this episode and I feel like you weigh this is maybe what are your favorite terms? What I think of you this term I think of because you always say it of doing life together. And I remember before I was in a serious relationship. I don't think I really understood the extent of it. I think I didn't realize the difference between dating someone and doing life with someone. And you know, we talk about it in this episode that a key time that they met was over the pandemic. And that's actually similar to your story too. You were dating before the pandemic, but the pandemic changed the dynamics of your relationship that you weren't just dating anymore, but actually doing the stuff that I don't want to say domestic tasks, but all the stuff that do my life means. Yeah. And I think when you're not in it, you think it's just that, like the cooking and cleaning, but for me, now, I feel like some of the best moments I have are just sitting on the couch watching reality TV or some sort of summer house or whatever.
00:10:06 - 00:15:01
No, you know what I mean, though. Just doing nothing with my partner, but that is the majority of life is doing nothing. It's hilarious to me that dating is so judged on the types of dates that we do in the activities. Not saying that you shouldn't keep doing that. Absolutely is a reason why married couples, couples with children have date nights. That doesn't go away, but as things progress, usually 80% of the time, you're not doing that stuff. Why wouldn't you want to find someone that you enjoy doing the 80% of nothing together? Yeah, your relationship is based on the daily moments and not based on the peaks and valleys. Yeah, right? If we only base really on peaks and valleys, that is a very toxic tumultuous relationship and you want to get the fuck out. And it's these everyday moments that are I just feel so grateful for. In my journal every day, I change my journal prompts like every quarter, but my current one is I have my agenda for the day and then I have a reward at the end. And I realized that more often than not, my reward is watching TV with my partner or having a nice meal with my partner. It's like something so mundane, yet so enjoyable and I feel like I earn it at the end of the day. Yeah, I think the other part of relationships we don't talk about enough is just having the fat that is just fun. It's like almost I describe it that I have a sleepover with my best friend every day. And we don't think about that though. It feels like this tumultuous achievement that we need to get, but it's just the day to today simple pleasures and when you're with the right person, I think this also is kind of a throwback to this building on relationships. I think in the past it was always so hard it felt. And it took me building on those relationships and getting clear with my own needs too and not being afraid to say them. I would say that's the one thing I did different. This relationship, there was no holding back at all, but that was because I learned, right? And from the old stuff, but I think getting to a place where you can meet this person that it doesn't feel so difficult and you're just genuinely enjoying the life you're building together, that to me is what a relationship really means. So for all of our single listeners, before you say shut the fuck up, I'm trying to do that. Why are you talking about relationships? I think this is a good learning though, because we always hear many of you are looking for that initial chemistry spark, butterflies and stomach. But then ultimately, you all say, I want to skip the beginning part and just get to the relationship part already. I want to get to the, you know, on the couch, a Sunday Night cooking, watching TV, eating our dinner. So instead of looking for that initial, I don't know, adrenaline and dopamine hit. Maybe it's a dating for these life moments and stop focusing so much on that chemistry and the spark and focus on is this someone I can just do life with. Yeah. And I think I don't want to ever discourage people for coming up with really cool date ideas. And I think it's freaking amazing that your partner is planting this surprise vacation. So I don't want to ever say that that shouldn't be part of dating. It absolutely should. And that's what, you know, for the two of you four years in, you're still doing stuff like that. So it still has a time and a place. But we do see a lot of people getting really hung up in the early stages of planning the perfect date sin. Coming up with the activities and that can be a thought process, but I don't think it should be like the number one concern you have at the beginning. The beginning is all about connecting and just making someone feel like you've known them all your life essentially. And feeling calm around them, feeling good about yourself around them. In theory, the best dates don't have to be anything spectacular. If that's there. So true. Yeah, but speaking of good date activities before we close this out, I am going tonight to the empire strips back. Which is the Star Wars burlesque parody. So you all heard me right, the empire strips back. Yes. I was definitely at the beginning when I first heard about it, skeptical, but the war people we talked to of how amazing it is. So it feels like a good thing to note on date of all we've got burlesque show and Star Wars. What could go wrong? Find a partner who will go to a burlesque Star Wars show with you. Yep. Yeah, report back, definitely. Will do. Okay, well, before we get into it with Dez, let's do a few announcements. At dateable podcast is our Instagram. You know, share this episode with a friend. I feel like we can all open the conversation of reflecting back on our relationship histories. Heck, go to brunch and shout it out with them. And. It's got a friendship with them and shout it out. And while we're at it, tune in every Sunday for our brunch talk episodes.
00:15:02 - 00:20:08
Okay, before we get into it, let's hear a message from our sponsors. This episode is brought to you by aurelia. We are excited to pamper ourselves with some high quality lingerie. Yay. Oh my God, I could not wait to open my box. I know. Well, aurelia is a premium curated lingerie and sleepwear subscription box with 100% 5 out of 5 client ratings. Yeah, and I love that you filled out a style quiz about your sizes and preferences. And then a dedicated stylus curated two to three pieces of lingerie or sleepwear per box. How fun is it having beautiful lingerie delivered to your doorstep? And I'm loving everything in my box, so it's hard for me to choose a favorite piece. I don't know about you. Same, but I am gravitating to this least Braun underwear set that's black that's sexy, but also comfortable. Comfort is key. The set I'm wearing at night now. It's this floral cami and short set. It's very light. It's perfect for the summer and it is, oh my God, comfortable. It's shipping's free for the U.S. UK and Canada, not to mention aurelia is owned by a beautiful and fabulous woman of color. For a limited time, dateable listeners get 10% off their first monthly or seasonal box. Yes, just enter the code dateable ten at checkout. Go to aurelia box dot com. That's aurelia, AUR, a box dot com and enter the code dateable ten for 10% off. This episode is brought to you by the book twice a quinceanera by shamila said Mendes. Instead of losing the deposit on her wedding venue, a jilted bride decides to throw herself a quinceanera times two for her 30th birthday, one month short of her wedding day and her 30th birthday, Nadia palacio finds herself standing up to her infuriating cheating fiance for the first time in, well ever. But the same courage doesn't translate to breaking the news to her Argentinian family. She's hyperventilating before facing them when she glimpses a magazine piece about a Latino woman celebrating herself with a second quinceanera, AKA sweet 15. And that gives Nadia a brilliant idea with a wedding venue already paid for and family from all over the world with plane tickets. This all sounds awesome. Until she discovers that the man in charge of the venue is none other than her college fling that became far more than a fling. Full exuberant heart, twice a quinceanera is a pure delight for every person who needs to be their own biggest fan who dreams of a second chance of first love. Find out more about the book at Kensington books dot com or wherever books are sold. Okay, let's hear it from Dez. So we have our guest bishop with us today. He is an Irish American comedian, 46 years old, lives in New York and Dublin, originally from New York, but then you move to Ireland when you were 14. Is that what happened? Yeah, yeah, I went to boarding school in Ireland when I was 14. I sort of never left. It wasn't the plan, but it kind of happened that way. And then now you're back, sort of. And you recently got married to a fellow comedian and reality TV star Hannah burner, which is a romance that blossomed during the pandemic quite unexpectedly. So let's get to that a little bit later. But first we want to hear about just what was your love life like before Hannah? Oh, well, yeah, I mean, I was 44 when I met Hannah, so that's like a loaded question. Desi bishop, episode one, part 6. But anyway, I mean, you know, I mean, I've had quite a few long-term relationships, but I've also had periods of time was quite casual. But does this perfect Mandarin to me? He told me that he has a Chinese girlfriend that he corrected and said. I forgot to add a lovely grammar. The little things. You just change a little bit. Either have two girlfriends now or one previous Chinese girlfriend. This is a different story that we thought we were getting into. I saw you go up in Beijing, but I lived in Beijing for two years, and that was before Hannah, my last serious relationship was actually with a Chinese girl. And honestly, that could have got further. But she didn't want to emigrate. And obviously, you know, she's a bottling Ho. She's a post 80s kid, so she's like a little Empress and her parents weren't too keen on her disappearing over to the states with some comedian. It's not even like a thing over there. That didn't work out. I mean, fortunately, I guess it didn't work out, but that was my last serious relationship before Hannah, and then I actually, I had been engaged broken engagement in 2008. So I've had quite a broad story. So you'd have to, you'd have to throw a dart at the dartboard and pick a period of time, and I could tell you some stories. Oh, we will be doing that, don't you worry. Okay, so what did your last serious relationship Ed with the Chinese war bed? I went to China 2013, but actually I didn't meet her until 2014.
00:20:08 - 00:25:00
And then it ended up getting quite serious. But after my second year, I had to leave. I had to leave. I had like a full career. I'd left behind quite a lot to spend that time in China. And I mean, I really did love it. I wasn't dying to leave, but I did have to get back to doing stuff. And originally we had intended to like, you know, it's a long distance and then to have her begin to spend more time. But she never really let go of the idea that possibly I would give in and maybe live in China. Listen, love is love is a powerful thing. I would sacrifice a lot for love, but I was honest from the get go with her. And a lot of our arguments were that she was going to be the one that was sacrificing more than me. But I said, I know, I mean, I completely understand that. But in my mind, I thought that she would grow to embrace the western life, but in the end she didn't want to do it. Which is totally fine. So how long did this relationship last? Like, when did it end relative to be the Hannah? Oh, it ended quite a bit for Hannah and ended. I guess it ended mid 2017. Okay. I mean, we were in denial for like a year. It was like, I'd say it was a full year from when I met her parents to when we finally pulled the plug, but we did not see each other a lot for that final year. But we talked like every day we we chatted every day and what we had was great. I loved it. I really didn't think that it was going to work for that final year. But I was also very happy to keep it going. The way that we were keeping it going, you know? Yeah, well it's hard because you didn't break up because it wasn't working. It's just they were so many barriers, logistically, essentially, to overcome. Which sometimes can be the hardest ones. And the last time I talked to was at the beginning of the pandemic a few years after we broke up, but she still wasn't married. She must be on the ferocious pressure because that's the other cultural differences. The Chinese women, yeah, but I did a show about 8 years ago, but I did a whole thing about the xiongnu, but I feel like the leftover women thing is faded to a degree in the big cities, but but still, I guess she's like 31 or 32. Like she must be on the big question half. She's not married. Haven't talked to her since the beginning of the pandemic. Yeah, we did an episode with fellow comedian Bernice, E, have you heard of her? I don't know her now. She has a she has a whole thing about leftover women. How about the show? Oh, which is great. You know, because it is fascinating. I did like a live stand up show about my time in China and I had a thing about this. And I went to like the marriage market and actually my mother, my mother visited me when I was in Shanghai. Right towards the end of my first year, and I went to the marriage market with her, and that was like really intense because when you're there with your parents, people take you like a lot more seriously, so my mother actually got rich. What is the marriage market for some? Julie, I told you about these. I told you about these where all the single people go. And I don't know about the one you went to, but it's like hundreds, sometimes thousands of people show up. Oh, yeah, the one in Shanghai is humongous. Humongous, so yes. I don't even know how people find each other, but you basically post all your stats, how tall you are, how much you make, you have house car, all of that. So it's like a non digital Tinder profile, basically. Kind of. But then in real time, you've tried to find your match, and it's not just about dating. It's like marriage. You're finding your match to get married. But imagine imagine if you attended pro, I was run by your parents. That's really what the marriage marketplace because it's mostly parents and grandparents and they're like, they're wheeling and dealing. The amount of dads that rang me because I gave my number to some guys because some of them were like quite happy. They're like, oh, this is a lot of why this foreigner seems to seems to be doing all right. He's an option, especially like some of them their daughters are in their 30s. They're like desperate, you know? Like, I don't care. She can go to New York. I just need to get this girl married off. I'm sure they must be managed markets in flushing Main Street, and you know, like real big chinatowns in the states. I'm sure there must be, but I haven't found one that's like very obvious. They wouldn't have in the U.S. because it's human trafficking. Setting people up. Like a matchmaking market. Matchmaking market. So we're going to all your phases of life. Okay, so this is your face shake. I didn't mean to drop that on you, but this is just because you lived in Beijing to you at 8. So I was like, of course I got to bring this up. So you, okay, so you go back to Ireland after this, or you would New York at this time. Now that you're like, I need to get back into my career, you know, this relationship isn't going to work. Yeah, honestly, China was really the reason why I ended up sort of doing coming back to New York a lot more. Because really, I was like 37 when I went to China. So from 14 to 37, I was really in Ireland pretty much full time, but after like two years in China and you're like not just doing comedy tech like expats from all over the world, but you're doing comedy and Mandarin and it just felt quite large or like it was very eye opening. I love her. I didn't want to let go of Ireland completely, but I did think that I should really expand my horizons a little bit. So that was actually part of the part of the attraction back to New York.
00:25:01 - 00:30:01
Plus my mother started getting sick, which was also part of it. So I had a couple of different I had a couple of different reasons for starting to spend more time in New York. Plus, honestly, I wanted to keep up my Chinese and it was just so much easier to do that in New York. So originally I actually moved out from flushing queens, so originally I moved back to flushing because flushing is now mostly Chinese people. So a lot of the coming back to New York was connected to my time in China. Interesting. Were you dating like when you got back? Or what was life like before you met Hannah? Were you like ready for a serious relationship or was kind of just happened? You know, it's hard to know. I mean, after we did the long distance then we broke up. I mean, I just went to a period where I just was like in a lot of not long-term just pretty casual relationships. I mean, you know, whatever. I went gray and got into the silver fox category. Stand up comics. Stand up comics. If you look around, it's a pretty ugly stand up comics doing well with the ladies. I don't know what it is about making people laugh, but I went through a phase of just meeting a lot of people, I guess. And it's just listen. It's an easy enough job to meet people. So I was like I had an active dating life. That's probably the best way to put it. But nothing very serious. Plus, honestly, I was between New York and Dublin, you know, I would often have something decent like I'd be happy with somebody, but then I'd be like disappear for four or 5 months. I could think of numerous people that I met that I actually quite liked, but it was just like it didn't work out. I'd go off to Dublin by the time I came back there with somebody else. You know, it was just like, it was just an end, honestly, my mom was sick there was so much going on, so it kind of suited me to have like non committed relationships. It was like that period of time in my life. And where are you thinking that you would eventually get into a relationship again or what's marriage something you were working towards? I probably did, but I did start to move away from the kind of like I want to have kids zone because I was very broody, particularly after my father died. I was very into having kids. You know, I had this sense of the importance of family and it's all that matters at the end. You know, that was really honestly like a decade of really feeling like a sense of family. And when you're in China, they remind you all the time that that's all that matters. I was bombarded with messaging for two years about how I need to get that sorted. When I came back when I came back to New York and I was like, you know, just like living my life, I suddenly was like, still totally open to marriage, but also starting to move away from the thought having kids because I was getting older and I just was suddenly like, you know what? Maybe it's just like a life of no kids, which kind of lends itself also to like, if I don't meet the woman of my dreams, if I don't meet my life partner, that's also fine too, but I didn't honestly put that much thought into it. I was just kind of bouncing from situation to situation because there was a lot going on, like with the family illnesses and you know what I mean? It was just like a lot. So really, it wasn't like high on my priority list. And then the world shut down. Yeah. Yeah. In fairness, I even before I had been seeing somebody before the pandemic. We actually just broke up. Pandemic would have killed it anyway, but we had just broken up and I was having all these fine relationships that just didn't end up getting to the next level. But when the pandemic hit, you know, my mother had been a dead just over a year. It was like this enforced solitude. So that was quite a strong cathartic time to just clear the head. 'cause you know, stand up comedy is an easy life to distract yourself. You know, you can yours can disappear and you realize, wow, I haven't really checked in with myself for quite a long time. You know, you get quite obsessed with your work and, you know, there's a lot of highs and a lot of lows, but there's a lot of praise. You know, your ego can get stroked for so long that you forget to check in with the deeper parts of yourself. So the pandemic kind of like, you know, hit me with an enforced meditation time, which was great for me because, you know, as grieving and, you know, now that both parents are gone, so I just suddenly forced to just really take it all in. That was very healthy for me, actually. It's very, very lucky, really, because I'm doing comedy since 1997, you know? So it was really like the first time I properly slowed down. It was in July of that time after that solitude that I met Hannah, and I was definitely much more open to a deeper, more meaningful relationship when I met her, but we did also connect quite immediately, but we didn't actually become a couple immediately because we had a few well, she had a few TV things to deal with first, but in terms of my own personal sense of feeling that something was different. I felt something that was different. I'll say that it's Hannah and it was meant to be other people might say, well, it was timing and it was fortuitous because I had the pandemic and you're less distracted and then you're more present. You allow yourself to feel it, you're more vulnerable, all these things. I'm open to all the different things that are going on. I would say it's a mixture of all of it. To be honest. That's us going to say, I feel like it's usually the cop of both. Obviously, you need the right person to cover out. But if you're not present, it opened that person could show up and you're just too busy or distracted or not seeing them.
00:30:01 - 00:35:03
Yeah, and I mean, definitely being present and open was what the pandemic gave me because honestly, I haven't been in the one spot for so long, you know? Like it was just so everything was so transient. So it was very easy to just drift away from whatever was going on, especially when it's not your number one priority, but then suddenly I was in the one place with no distractions. But I also was avoided comedians my whole life. Not just from the don't shit on your own doorstep side of things or even from the professionally. It's not a great idea. It was more just like, I just never thought that that would be a good match for me. And I never really met anybody that I really liked in comedy. So it was quite funny in the end that actually, once I met Hannah, I was like, damn, maybe I should have explored this more because it's quite a good, it's quite a good match. You know, just understanding each other's jobs. Obviously just being open to like joking around. You know, it might just be convenience. Hannah and I have sort of like a complimentary sense of humor. And we did laugh from the gecko. Like, everybody has their thing that bonds them, but laughter was like numero uno from the get go. I feel like that kind of has to be, yeah. How did you meet? And then how did you start progressing your relationship? Yeah, so I was following her, I guess, honestly, I think, but it's only a guess that clarified. On Instagram. On Instagram. During the height of the pandemic. All the buildings are boarded up and Dez is just creeping at her window. I was following her for a two years of China. Ireland. I love tennis. So she gives a tennis player. But anyway, I guess she popped up on Nikki glaser store, you know, I'm Friends with Nikki glaser, and I guess it once said she popped up on Nicki glazer story. So I follow her like cute comic, you know? Just followed her. Like random follow. I knew nothing about her. And you know, it's funny because she was on that show summerhouse on bravo. And I had no idea. I didn't even know. I didn't even know like bravo was much of a thing. I wasn't really on top of sort of bravo. I didn't even know like Andy Cohen was the bravo guy. I just knew about Andy Cohen. But you know, every now and then I'd see these clips, you know, she posting stuff about the show summer house. And in my mind, I just thought it was like some sort of like cheesy MTV type thing. I didn't know much about it. I also did not know this quite successful, so I had no idea that Hannah was kind of like, I guess, blowing up a little bit. She was just this random girl that I followed. That definitely stayed in my algorithm because her stories would pop up a lot. Now, as it turns out, she was following me, but I didn't know that, but my stories weren't popping up on her thing, but her stories had been popping up a mind. So needless to say, in July, or maybe a very late June, I saw that she was isolated out near I was out in west Hampton and she was out at her parents place and not that far away. So because I'm like, I'm really bored. You're like, this is the pandemic. I have to ask her for a date. I hadn't hung out with anybody. I was like, I was actually quite happy with the enforced celibacy of the pandemic. I was quite happy to just take a break from it all. You know? So I hadn't met at talk to anybody since I left Ireland in a panic on March 18th, 2020, because I was in Ireland when the pandemic kicked off. So I was like, hey, I'm not far away. You want to get coffin? She was like, yeah, and then that was it. It was like a very like three lines. Wait, have you talked at all before? No, no. I literally, I was surprised to see that she was following me. It was just very abrupt and very quick and I was like, I'll pick you up on Saturday at 1 o'clock from the ferry. 'cause she was on shelter island. And but then it turned out when we met, we hit it off straight away, but just for a bit of background from Hannah's side. When I followed her originally, I didn't know that she followed me straight back because actually like 5 years before, she was just at the comedy seller randomly. During a kind of a transitory part of her own life because she had spent most of her life trying to be like a tennis professional tennis player, but never made it as a pro and then burnt out and decided she couldn't do it anymore and just like got into like a marketing job and it was like very much like in a transition part of her life. And she just randomly went to the comedy cellar and had seen me and thought I was cute or whatever, but I was going on about living in Ireland so she just like, whatever. I mean, she wasn't gonna do anything anyway, but she registered me at that moment. So when I followed her back whenever I followed her, which we don't even know when that was. She was like, oh, that's a cute comic, I saw like 5 years ago. And she followed me back. But in the meantime, she was now in the industry, but you know. Like a lot of changes in her life in the interim. So there was a familiarity from her and a familiarity for me because I've been watching her stories. And then we met up, but we just hit it off straight away, but we had a snag, which was that in two and a half weeks she was going into the film the next season of summer house, which was the lockdown season. So if they weren't allowed out and nobody was allowed in, so it was very much like, we met, we had a few dates, and then she disappeared for 7 and a half weeks. Wow. So the relationship actually evolved when she was in there. And it evolved coincidentally enough, like most of my relationships, like a long distance relationship, even though she was only down the road. She was like 25 minutes. She was 25 minutes down the road and locked down, and she had some she had some stuff she needed to resolve on the show, which, you know, the show is the show.
00:35:03 - 00:40:04
It's a reality TV, but you know, it is what it is. Wait, would you say she had to resolve a leak with other dudes or with others? Another guy. She had a fling with a guy in there. She had a college reality. Well, you never. Listen, I told her, we had just met. I was like, listen, you know, this is your job, but also your life and your job mix because reality TV is just a very odd world. But don't let a guy you just met, get in the way of whatever it is you need to do. I wasn't involved in it. At that time, I wasn't involved in it, but you know, I wanted her to just go in there and be free of the concerns. But we had probably crossed the line a touch to where that wasn't going to be super neat and uncomplicated for her. You know, for me, it was irrelevant because I'm not in there, you know what I mean? I'm not locked in a house. But for her, it was probably like, it probably wasn't ideal timing. But you know, it is what it is. It's difficult, you know? Because you don't know. In reality TV is reality except that you're trying to do things based on what you think the producer should do and it will look good on you. It's not an easy thing to navigate. It's not an easy thing to navigate. So that was a challenge for her. And a bit of a challenge for us in the early part of our relationship. But that ended after 7 and a half weeks. And then we could just get on with being normal, you know? It was still a pandemic, so it was great because we had a lot of time. Our joke at the time was that the pandemic is great for the beginning of our relationship, and it's terrible for long-term relationships because it just gets so sick of each other. Whereas at the beginning, you can't get enough of each other. So it's like this is great. We have so much time to be with each other. So that was great. That was great for us. But I think it destroyed a lot of marriages. Yeah. People we never liked being around each other. Yeah. Oh, that is so interesting. So the show ends and you two are still connecting during this time. And when was that moment where this became really serious? I mean, honestly, it was serious before she even left the house because we started talking like every night. So our relationship, like I said, our relationship kind of evolved while she was in there. So we ended up just like talking a lot, like every night, like for hours. And by the time I ended up going in there because I was like, I was like so desperate to see her. I ended up going in there for like a weekend when they allowed a visitors to come like you get COVID tested and everything. Wow. And so by the time I went in there, which I guess was about 6 weeks later. You know, we had become quite serious in terms of talking like every night kind of a thing, you know? So I would say that by the time she was done, we were committed to giving it a shot. So did it like ramp up at all while she was in there? Was it kind of like from day one when you had that first date after that you were kind of talking? I mean, it ramped up. It definitely ramped up more for her than for me. I had this sense of like, she was the one from the minute that we met. Interesting. She was a little more cautious. Well, number one, because she's a woman and has gone through the world of the fuck boy. We're trained to be successful at all. Comedians coming into sweep you off your feet and then three weeks later you're like, why is he not texting me? Whatever, you know, so she had the natural caution that you would expect from like a woman of her age. And then, you know, she had the caution of like the show and not knowing what was going on. So she was not as like diving in a sense of diving in as I was. But I was pretty sure. I was, you know, I've been around the block. And I was pretty sure that it was a unique connection. You know, it's pretty confident that it was that it was a special connection. So I wasn't too concerned, but I definitely had a little bit of the infatuation. If you listen to my podcasts from that time, I was pretty heavy on the infatuation. And because I'd had these months of solitude and grieving. It was like a lot of emotions going on. I actually found those emotions quite overwhelming. I had an episode of my podcast where I was looking up the hormones of love and what they do to you, physiologically. So is this like something were you like this with other people or was this just due? This is something that you this one was quite I mean, probably maybe once or twice in my life, but it had been number one had been a long time and definitely this was a strong one. And that was very much the stuff I was expressing at the time. You know, it can be hard to remember that, you know, 'cause now we were married, we lived together, you know, just like we just have our life. But at the time, it was quite, it was quite unique. I mean, it's definitely, it was definitely overwhelming. I mean, I was overwhelmed and I was definitely love struck and, you know, all the things that you, I even saw, I started doing some therapy because the intensity of emotions was so strong. Wow. And I talked to the therapist about you should talk about infatuation and what's like energy and what real relationships are and so I took it quite seriously from the get go in terms of trying to decipher between those flippant emotion that the emotions that can fade over time and what's real behind it.
00:40:04 - 00:45:02
What really is about why this person is special, you know what I mean? So what did you find out? Because timeline wise, you moved relatively fast. You got engaged, what? How many months after dating? Like 6 months. Wow. Yeah, it was all very fast. But the truth was that I knew I knew quite quickly, you know? Now, it was just a case of if she was on board. So she was on board relatively quickly too, because after she got out of the house, she moved in like in October, so we met in July. She moved in in October, you know, then we were just living together and getting along fine and dandy. The show came out that created quite a lot of stress, but once we got through, once we got through that, stressful period, then it was like, and fairness, I propose I was the one that was pushing for the engage. You know, like, I don't know, I was just like, I was just like, fuck it. I mean, it was the pandemic, you know? So there was just like nothing going on. So our joke was that a pandemic day is like a dog year, you know? Like one day in a pandemic is like 7 days. You're basically together for like ten years, right? Yeah. Yeah, it didn't feel it didn't feel as quick as it was, honestly. And just jumping forward. Jumping forward only to look back. There wasn't many times where I felt like, wow, actually, this is quite fast. Do you know what you're doing here? You know, I didn't really hit off too many cautionary periods. And honestly, I didn't hit much caution from like any of my friends or my family because first of all, everyone loved, like everyone really liked her and everyone saw straight away that we were like a good match. Everybody thought that this was a positive. Plus, you know, whatever. I was 45. It wasn't like everybody was like, yeah, it wasn't like everybody was like, you sure? It's like you're giving a girl to China, right? They're like, just do what you might as well give it a shot. There's no team right here. Yeah, yeah. And Hannah, how does younger than me? Obviously, but she was heading towards, you know, she was heading to us 30, so it wasn't. Like, she was feeling like she was too young to be thinking like this. So all that stuff was fine. And yeah, like all my Irish buddies, you know, like my closest friends. I mean, first of all, they're all married once you get past the jokes like you sure you want to do this. But they all thought that she was great and then she was like a good pairing for me 'cause you know she's like super sporty, super competitive, you know, but also like understands comedy doesn't like care if we have to part for a few weeks at a time to do shows. So there was like a lot of practical stuff on top of the serious emotional connection. It was just like a lot of things that just fit. Yeah, it's gonna ask you, you said that you've had your share of relationships, your dose break chicken. What was it that you were like, this is different. This feels right. Yeah, it's very hard to say. It's very hard to articulate what is it? But it was a feeling. Anyway, initially, it was definitely a feeling. A sense of, wow, I haven't felt this way about something about somebody, you know? And then after that, it was like, became like fact. It's like, wow, this is actually a great life. Because of course, the infatuation is there, and then the love is there, and the sexual relationship is great. Like all the stuff is good that's supposed to be good. But then there's just that deeper thing of just like, it's just like a nice life. Describe it, but it's just like we can chill together too, and everything about it is fun, you know? I mean, life's not perfect. I can't say that it's all going to turn out to be perfect, but so far, and also just like on paper, it's just like, yeah, it's just really does make sense. Well, I think it's like, you know, today's day and age, everyone's looking for that best friend soulmate life partner. A lot of stuff actually, which makes modern day day hard as you want to find someone that kind of checks all the boxes. But I think when you actually do find someone that you feel that way with, you know, you know, like this is rare. I think that's what's the benefit of having more of these expectations. Yeah, yeah. And I was lucky that we met and it was like serendipity or UN fin. Chinese love to obsess about. But we were lucky and listen, I love sport. I spent the entire pandemic playing beach volleyball and then Hannah came along. She's like amazing at ten. It's not like I always wanted to get good at tennis so we like playing tennis every day. Plus she's like good at golf. We just play got. We just played 9 holes actually. And so we just have like a lot. We just have a lot in common. Plus, she goes off and does some shows. I go off and do some shows. Then we come back at night and we're like gossiping about all the comics and saying, who's funny? So this is a lot of good stuff going on on top of the loving. You know? Let's hold that thought for a few messages. Have you ever thought about how much better dating would be if you had a whole army of people supporting you along the way? We know that dating can be frustrating and lonely, but it can also feel fulfilling and fun. Have you recently decided you want to make some changes to your love life? Maybe you've recently reentered the dating scene. Maybe you've gone on one too many dates that went nowhere, or maybe you're just ready to take your current relationship to the next level. That is exactly why we created the sounding board, a true extension of our podcast that delivers a personalized experience, which includes monthly office hours where you can drop in and chat with us about anything.
00:45:02 - 00:50:05
Weekly sound offs with guided discussions and regular virtual happy hours, allow Julie and I to become your dating sherpas to provide real-time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can all navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. Again, that's dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. So what I find very fascinating about your journey is that you weren't looking for this. You were not looking for love, you weren't prioritizing finding a partner. You were in a place of solitude and also just grief. I would assume. And what made this relationship really special was that during the pandemic, you got to experience life with someone versus going on dates with someone. And that's like what we often talk about on this podcast is dating someone is different than doing life with someone. I think the pandemic really like for me and my partner, it forced us to do life together. And I don't even count the 6 months before that that we were dating because it was just dating. We didn't really see each other on a day to today basis doing life and the pandemic was what made us so close was because I could actually experience life with this person. And so I feel like in your situation, you got a glimpse of what life is like with Hannah, and you're all about it, even though you weren't looking for it. Yeah, a 100%. And like I said, that was definitely love. And listen, it wasn't all smooth sailing. Like, I can't stress enough that the reality TV stuff is, it's very heavy. And she really got like a rough ride with the Internet and all that stuff. At that time. So we had to ride that out together too. But that only made it made us stronger. You know what I mean? And it was great to be there for her for that. You know what I mean? And also to learn to navigate, you know, because sometimes obviously if things are causing stress in your life, especially things that you are not causing, you know what I mean? Like it's very easy to get angry at the other person. So we had to navigate all that too. So we really had like a fast track intense kind of like life. It was almost like a life obstacle course to make sure that we were ready to actually spend the rest of our lives together. We dealt with we dealt with quite a lot from the highs and the lows and that first sort of year. But in saying that, we probably will have kids even though I was saying I could honestly not have kids now. That's just like a personal thing for me, but Hannah wants to have kids and I can also very much have kids. Kids at all, but I would have been open to either way, right? But I did say, even though I'm 46, I'm no spring chicken. I did say, let's not do that straight away because we met. It was reality to be engagement. And then a wedding and a pandemic, you know? And vaccines and everything. So let's just not have to worry about any major things for at least a year, but really two years. Let's just have normal life. Yeah, that makes sense. I could have done without Putin invading Ukraine and inflation crisis and gas prices through the roof. Anyway, these things, these things we can't control. It will give us adorable life. Give us a break. Seriously, fucking break. What thing that comes up a lot on our podcast is age gaps. So you guys have a 15 year age gap. How do you think that's helped your relationship or also give it any challenges if so? Well, first of all, it's closer to 16 than 15. There's a few months of the year. There's a few months of the year where it comes up as 15. I prefer that age gap too. We rounded down. 15, that's 16. Yeah. Well, the age gap is a completely irrelevant for us. I've dated younger women before. And it's never been, it's never been an issue in our relationship, but there have been times where it's just us and nobody else. You know, as in like, our social lives never intertwined. But with Hannah, it is just not been an issue. There's just no sense. I don't know if maybe I'm in mature and she's mature or whatever, but like for example, like all my buddies came over for the wedding and they stayed here in this house out in west Hampton. And like Hannah was with us for the first couple of days before she went off and like when I was with her family to get ready for the wedding. And it wasn't a bachelor party. I didn't have a batch of party, but there was kind of like batch of party vibes of just like the lads in the house. I was in with all my buddies and it was like very natural. It wasn't like so there's never been a sense of an age gap being an issue for us. But I do understand that the positives and negative age gaps. I'm quite shocked how much people discuss it because I really think it's not that big of a deal. However, in the case of Hannah, any of the potential pitfalls just do not exist at all. I mean, we have plenty of jokes. We joke around. And the fact that I'm in between her parents and her, right? So I'm actually like a touch closer in age to her parents than I am to Hannah. So we make jokes about how I talk to her parents about Back to the Future and I was like, what? And it's like, whatever. It's nothing to do with you. But in actual fact, there's no, for us, it hasn't come up as a thing other than the haters are going to say shit.
00:50:05 - 00:55:05
And then we're going to joke around. Like Hannah in her wedding speech said, you know, sometimes I wish I'd known you earlier and I think about what it would have been like to be with you when you were in your 20s, but then I remember that I was in kindergarten. Stuff like that. But we're fine with it. It's good stand up material for you guys. Yeah, particularly for her, yeah. But then I don't know, like in comedy two, I don't know, it just seems less of an issue, like amongst comics, like it could happen. So for us, for us it's not an issue. However, I don't know what comes up when you guys talk about it. I've definitely had numerous age gap relationships and it's always a fun topic. Yeah. Yeah, and then also you talked about how you haven't really dated comedians before. So what is it like being married to one? Yeah, I mean, it's great. I mean, that part is definitely surprised me like how much fun it is. We don't have a criss-cross too much in terms of our job. But she's a New York based comic now. A New York based comic most of the time. So like, I see a lot of people that have just seen her. She's seen a lot of people have just seen me. So it's quite fun, actually. We're all just we're all in the mix together. There's very rarely any sense of like, it's too much, like I want to shut off or anything. You know, like there's never a sense of like, she comes home after I've been doing shows and she wants to talk about work. And I'm like, oh, I just need a break from comedy. It's never really like that. It's always fun, you know? And I mean, because I'm a little older, I've been doing comedy longer. I do enjoy a touch of the kind of mentoring role, like trying to pass on a bit of wisdom. But I have to say that she's doing well. I would say, right now, she's doing better than me. She's killing it. So there's no sense of me being like the senior person. Professionally. I just have a little bit more like, so I just like try to pass on stagecraft stuff. And also like industry stuff where like what's real and what's bullshit 'cause obviously the industry has a lot of like a lot of spoofers. There's a word that we get. But I just try to pass on little things, because one of The Killers in our industry is getting excited because some spoofer is like, you know, promising the sun moon and the stars and it's always good to try to keep an even keel in our industry. Less disappointment. I mean, I think anyone that dates someone in a similar industry could probably relate. There's a balance of this is your personal life versus professional life, but also there's a reason why you chose your profession and you want to share that with someone and especially you if you've been around longer, like I'm sure there's a lot of wisdom. How do you kind of balance not stepping on toes with that or is that really not an issue at all for you too? Yeah, that's not an issue. Yeah, well, that's always so that's always the way. Well, the good news about being married is the friendly competition thing kind of fades because her money is my money. You're like breathing for the other person and you're like. But I feel like that's the way it should be, right? You're a team. That's the whole point. Yeah, yeah. I have to say that the comedy side of things has been nothing but nothing but a positive. Even just yesterday we were like sitting down and just breaking down like one of her bits yesterday morning I was expressing some frustrations. I was having myself and she was like giving me some suggestions back. So it's only that stuff is only his only positive. Plus she just she's just better at getting like industry gossip. So quite happy to I quite happy here for her to come home and fill me up with all the latest news from the industry. Fatigue, exactly. I didn't even know what tea was when I met her. I learned about what she was. What's the benefit of dating someone younger? You get all the way up. Exactly. Exactly. I know what Tia is but I just don't know what tea is. The tea. Listen, I very quickly learned the tea. You know? I mean, especially when you are the tea, according to her giggly squad fans. I was the tea for a while. Oh my God. So good. One of the things that I feel like comes up. And I think maybe feel this war, but I would argue that bed do too. It's like it's society there's tie lines that we all hear of. You should get buried by 30. If you were engaged at 30, and move forward with that and ended up married, I would say quote unquote later in life. UA and I are probably in the middle of you at hand at age wise. So definitely not a shade thing. We're later in life as well. I would never, I would not take it as shade anyway. I guess like what benefits do you think there were for actually holding out a little longer till you were in your 40s? Yeah, well, I mean, the benefit of accidentally holding on, I would say, 'cause I must say there was a couple of times where I was like, damn, I can't believe I ended up being somebody who's quite late, not married. You know, like it was kind of like I sort of surprised myself. I mean, honestly, I don't know if benefits versus Nick. I could definitely think of both, you know? I guess the good thing about waiting longer is, you know, you've made a lot of mistakes.
00:55:06 - 01:00:01
You know what's real and what's not, what's important, you know, it's easier to stay calmer, you know? I think it's probably easier to know when you're wrong, you know? I think. She might disagree. That I said that. But you know, just like life just being older, you're just like, calmer, right? I think. But you know, there are negatives too, like if you do have kids, you're going to be like an older dad. You're probably going to complain about back pain a lot more to your 5 year old child. Energy wise, energy levels might be like, you know, like if I could do it again, I probably was going to do it again. I would go back, have kids when I was younger. That would be the only thing. But what I will say is that it's neither positive nor negative. It just is what it is. And it's like totally fine. I'm definitely totally fine with it. But you know, if you happen to end up in this way, I do think that there will be some positives in terms of like your own, you know, once you're not too set in your ways, that's the problem is that it's easy to get set in your way, so you have to make sure that you don't get too much like that. Because then you just become too undesirable. Right. There is that balance for sure. I mean, listen, I have misophonia as much as the next guy. I don't like the sound of chewing. Like we all have certain things that we don't get intolerant about. But you don't want to be overly old and crabby, and then suddenly nobody can fit into your very rigid routines, you know? Yeah. Kind of staying open and flexible is the theme that I hear. What about the people who've been in a series of long term serious relationships, maybe have been engaged once or twice, and are at a point where they're about to give up. I've done it. I've seen it. It's not working out for me. What would you say for those people? What are some advice you give to people at a crossroads right now? Well, first of all, your powerless, that's what I mean like the great thing about this life is that actually there's no guarantees on anything, you know? And there's no guarantees that whatever you think you want to happen will actually be the better thing for you, right? So there is a great freedom and just knowing that it will be what it is and it will be fine, you know? There have been many versions of getting through this life and everyone gets through it. So you definitely shouldn't panic. But also, don't give up, then it's definitely, no matter what age dating is fun. So don't give up. And I'm sure this comes up a lot, but you gotta take it out of its extreme important position because that's too much pressure. It's very hard to exist in that place where the importance is greater than it should be. If you're so concerned about getting married, then you're like, I feel like it's very easy to sort of rush freak people out, you know? But I think you better find a divorce person. I think, you know, if you're in the game a long time and you're starting to panic, I think go for like a divorce person. But I let them bring their mistakes. To the game and probably be less pressure, you know? But like my cousin was like that, I'm not gonna name her, but cousin of mine, she was a single mom and, you know, it was a very casual, how she ended up getting pregnant, but she wanted to have the charge, raised her daughter wonderful. But obviously there was a lot of time when she just thought I screwed myself in terms of finding a partner and having a happy life. And then out of the blue, she met this guy, they only got married very recently, and they have like a great life together. And she really trusts me. I sat down with her many times, and she was like, basically accepting that it wasn't going to happen, so. I mean, you shouldn't panic. You should accept that no matter what happens, it will be fine, but odds on, you know, you're gonna meet somebody, especially if it's like something that you wanna do. Do you wanna be asking what was kind of the reason why your first or your engagement that you had when you were 31 and up going forward? Well, I mean, number one is a long distance relationship. You know, she was living in London, I was living in Dublin. And honestly, we both loved our jobs like a lot. Coincidentally enough similar to the Chinese situation. There was really very little bend. In that situation, particularly it was like both of us had very little bend in terms of like what we were willing to sort of sacrifice for the relationship versus our jobs. And yeah, and there was a lot there was a lot of other stuff going on. I guess you got quite famous in Ireland around that time. So my life changed a lot too, so just a lot of things happened. And we did not make it to the altar. Although we weren't going to get married in a church. So we didn't make it to the celebrant. To the people. It sounds like you had Hannah just have figured out how to like balance your careers in love life together a lot more than in the past. Yeah, but I had a lot of demons. I stopped drinking always 19. I canceled when I was 24. I've had a very eventful life and honestly, Hannah just met me at the right time. It took me a long time to get comfortable with a lot of stuff that went down in my life. I joke, but it's no surprise that I finally met somebody. I have to my mother died because the root of all your issues disappears and then you're like, well, suddenly I'm vulnerable.
01:00:01 - 01:05:11
I could be vulnerable. But that's a joke. I'm joking. I'm joking at the expense of my dead mother, but she had a good sense of humor too. And she certainly had a dark sense of humor. She wants my generational difference. Anyway, I think that we also met at the right time. Just like obviously, you meet people, but for me, I know that it was a better time for me when I met Hannah, than previous relationships that I had. And certainly, my first engagement. And by the way, she's happily married, not two kids, and she's had a good outcome and everything. But yeah, I definitely, I was way better ready more prepared than. By the way, can I point out that she was amazing person? And long after it finished, I always said that we were definitely the right cop out the wrong time. I mean, I definitely think if we had been more like on top of ourselves professionally, it might have worked. But it was not good timing. I mean, we've done a lot of episodes of that. You know, it's like right person, wrong time is wrong person. Ultimately. And I say that to my partner too, I'll talk about, I wish I bet you ten years ago, so we'd have more time and all this and we would not be ready for each other at all because I was a different person. So were you back then? So much of it's that. I think we put so much pressure on finding this person for us, but I guess I'll go into takeaways, but I think a big part of it is how do you become this person yourself and sometimes it might be intentional that you're taking the time to figure yourself out or maybe it's less intentional in a pandemic cubs in a series of other events that cause you to get that solitude and really take it all in. This is a recurring theme that we hear over and over again. There's so much to this. I think the other big takeaway I have from this conversation is you set it as it's like while dating can be important at finding that person to support it. It's not your entire life and we do have to balance it. I think we'll say like, oh, maybe it's unromantic, you know, have a relationship breakup because of your profession. But what do you think about it? It's like you've been building your whole life years before you bet this person. Why would you want to either just completely eliminate that either. So I think a lot of it is how do you find someone that will want to be a good fit for you, but also fit into your life that you've built on your own as it's two people coming together. And then my final takeaway is a piece of how do we start to experience life together a lot more like UAE said something interesting of, you know, when you're dating, if you're doing this more traditional, I see you once a week. We go on a formal dinner date or go to a bar. You're only seeing someone in a certain light, like you're not seeing them in a day to today, of how your life is with that person. And I love your story does of how the pandemic, even though it wasn't that much time in months. It felt like a lot of time because you were doing life together. And I think the more we can do that in dating and hopefully we won't be in a world where we're locked out again. But that doesn't mean that we still can't integrate each other board our lives even from the beginning. We're so afraid to do that because that's not what conventional dating advice says that you're supposed to do. But that's ultimately how you determine if someone is the right partner. And I know for me, I'd so much rather learn quickly than to spread this out over 6 months a year when I'm only kind of like half seeing this person and we're living totally separate lives. Yeah, and like I always say very crudely and that you spend very little time in your life fucking. So actually don't forget to realize that the normal life shit is the stuff that really matters the most. You know, so many people get hung up on the infatuation and the love story. And trust me, the love story is great, but in the end, the life story is so much more important. That's like as to purell, right? I literally like kind of half copying her there, but that is quote you though. That is the stuff that that's the stuff that really matters, you know? And I think actually if you're going to ask to add to your earlier question about like when you're older, what are the benefits of when you're older? I think the benefit of when you're older is that you know that. So it's easier to not get caught up in as much of the well, honestly, let's face it. People how they look physically. You know, like the stuff that you think is more important is actually less important. Right. And let me also point out that I'm happy with my wife physically. I would not like to be misconstrued as I say. I think when we say that, we always tell people too. That doesn't mean that you should never be attracted to your person. We're never saying that. It's more just like unrealistic expectations of what someone looks like because of media. But yeah, absolutely, the attraction and sex life should be there. That's a given. That's a baseline. But you didn't come into this with a, with a checklist. And I think that's one of my main takeaways is that when you don't have these expectations of what love, relationships, marriage could look like, it actually opens up your universe to someone that you would have never thought in the first place.
01:05:11 - 01:10:01
Like someone that you in your same industry that before you would end never wanted to explore. You didn't want to date other comedians. I think the relationship history is another major takeaway for me is that the relationships you've had in the past set you up for that one great relationship where one great love or multiple great loves, right? It doesn't have to be marriage or this one person, but every relationship matters in every relationship counts. We asked you about how you met Hannah and then we went into how you had a relationship with Shenzhen in China because her experience and your relationship with her set you up for the next relationship. And then the next relationship. So it's important for us to understand that we're not wasting time when we are in these relationships that don't work out. They actually do pave the way for our, you know, the big love of our life or the loves. And the other thing that we kind of forget that you touched upon does is that the relationship history also includes our relationship with ourselves. We are also dating ourselves. So if we are just going from another person to another person and we're forgetting about ourselves, it's harder for us to open ourselves up for love. So when you did that time alone during the pandemic, really in solitude really working on reconnecting with yourself, I truly believe that's what set you up for Hannah. Is that you strengthened your relationship with yourself? Well, you said it does. It's like the pause, right? Like you were just going through life, not reflecting and just doing because that's what a lot of us do, you know? We were just go, go, go. That's the society we live in. And I think taking that pause and really seeing, what is it that's important in sitting with feelings that maybe have been ignored for a while? That is what we see over and over again is what sets someone up to beat that person. Hey, I'm from the first pure generation. If you don't stop and look around sometimes, you might miss it, you know? It's very easy to forget to look around. It's very easy. Definitely. Does love it. Thank you so much for this conversation. It's been phenomenal to have you on our show. We didn't really know where this conversation was going to go. We had some stories that we knew about, but it's so great to hear it from you and your journey. If people want to learn more about you, where can they go? I mean, I'm at this bishop on Instagram and Facebook dot com slash test vision for people who use Facebook? And then we still have a Facebook. Actually, since we were talking about China, since we were talking about China, if you're bored, you can check out breaking China on YouTube. I put it up. It was an Irish series, but I put it up on YouTube, so it's up there. Breaking China. I'm going to look at that. That my journey, my journey to become a Chinese speaking comedian. That's so fun. Well, thank you so much for joining us. This has been a really great conversation. Thank you guys. Nice to meet you both. So nice meeting you and thank you to our listeners for listening to this episode with an open mind and an open heart, something that will really help you on your journey is if you give us a rating and review and Apple podcast 5 stars preferably, it really helps with our journey which in turn help with your journey by association. So just save. It does do favor part of the podcast, how you can swing it to be related. All right. On that note, we're going to wrap this up. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those pose. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. Hear that. That's the sound of a patient whose health data is protected from a cyberattack. And that, that's the sound of a financial system that's digitally secured from bad actors. Right now, there's an invisible war being fought on a digital battlefield that impacts what we do every day. That's why it periton, we do that can't be done to help protect the vital systems we rely on, because if we don't, the alternative is unimaginable, periton. This is the smell of the leftover tuna fish sandwich you left in your lunch box over the weekend in a wimpy trash bag.
01:10:05 - 01:10:25
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