S15E8: Capture the (red) flag

Dateable Podcast
October 4, 2022
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October 4, 2022

S15E8: Capture the (red) flag

We're diving head first into all the red flags, dealbreakers, and straight-up annoyances while dating — and determining when to be curious vs. run.

Capture the (red) flag

We're diving head first into all the red flags, dealbreakers, and straight-up annoyances while dating — and determining when to be curious vs. run. We're chatting with Janice about how she missed some serious red flags in her last relationship and how she's approaching dating now. We discuss the true definition of a red flag and how it's often misused, how to handle any signs of an unhealthy relationship, and why it's important to look for green flags instead of going on a red flag hunt while dating.

Thank you to our partners for this episode:

One Love Foundation: visit, a national non-profit dedicated to ending relationship abuse, and learn to spot the signs of unhealthy AND healthy relationship behaviors.

Episode Transcript

S15E8: Capture the (red) flag

00:00:00 - 00:05:01

This episode is brought to you by the one love foundation. Many stories on true crime podcasts start with abusive relationships. The numbers of people affected by relationship abuse are startling. Over one in three women, nearly one in three men and over one in two trans non binary people will be in an abusive relationship in their lifetimes. Abusive relationships rarely start with physical abuse. Instead, there are often red flags like manipulation, isolation, belittling, and volatility. Not all unhealthy relationships become abusive, but all abusive relationships start out as unhealthy ones. One love foundation, a national nonprofit dedicated to ending relationship abuse and creating a world of healthier relationships wants to empower you to see the signs of an unhealthy relationship before things go too far. Go to join one love dot org to see the signs, and know how to help a friend who may be in an unhealthy relationship. That's join one love dot org and learn how to spot the signs of unhealthy and healthy relationship behaviors. The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host UA shoe, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Hey Davis, welcome to this week's episode of the dateable podcast where we want to ask why, why are things happening the way they are in dating and then how do we make dating better, right? You can only bitch and complain as much as you can, but if we're not taking action to make it better than what's the point, right? And we have the topic today, I feel like that is a perfect example of that. We love throwing the word red flag around. I feel like, I feel like if we could get a dollar for every time someone said red flag, we'd be freaking stinking rich at this point. But I feel like we're it comes from is good intent to warn us to not get ahead of ourselves to make sure we're making the right choice, but then the way it's used is another story. So I'm really excited about this episode because I think the concept of red flags is important because sometimes we complain about being single, we complain about not being in a relationship. But I think the worst thing is to be in a bad relationship. So oftentimes, you know, we use the red flags to make sure that doesn't happen. So I don't want to say it's a bad thing, but there's always a line with everything. We're all jaded to a certain extent, especially if you've been dating for a while, maybe you've just gone in and out of relationships. It's very draining. And you don't want to repeat the same mistakes. That is very understandable, but sometimes we almost overcorrect and then so we say things like, well, he never put the dishes away. So such a red flag, if I find someone else who would never put the dishes away, and we were misusing how we identify patterns versus actually finding excuses. There is a huge difference here. And so we thought it was very important to bring you all an episode where we distinguish red flags from annoyances from warning signs from deal breakers that are all grouped together, but we should really differentiate them so that we don't over correct in our dating lives. Absolutely. And I think, you know, with red flags, especially. It does kind of put you in this critiquing perspective if you're always on the search. We like the term capture the red flag. It's like the playing the childhood game of. How do we find as many red flags as possible? Of course, that was not the childhood game, but that's the red of current day. You were actually trying to bring the flag to the other side back then. But it dated. It sometimes feels like you are just on that relentless search for the red flag. And I think that energy is not ideal at all. Like it just gonna make people feel the scrutiny at the end of the day. And I love the guests that we have today, Janice, not to be confused with our moderator of love of the time. We love her too. We love her too, but this is not her episode, but I think Janice is actually a perfect person to talk about this because we'll go into the whole thing in the episode, but she kind of overlooks some pretty serious red flags for relationship, but then also hasn't gone the full extreme to just think that everything's a red flag. So, you know, we're going to keep saying this, but it's like, we're not saying that you should never look for the warning signs, but also just always being on this endless search for them is going to make you find things no matter how great this person is. There's always going to be something if we look hard enough for it to.

00:05:02 - 00:10:00

Right, and this is all a learning experience when we're finding red flags, don't think, oh, I overlook these. It's not so much about overlooking. It's like, okay, what can I learn this time around so that I'm not, you know, I'm not looking for these things, but now I just intuitively know this is bad for me. I think we beat ourselves up for overlooking those earlier signs. It happens to the best of us when we're so into someone. When we have a crush, when we are so invested in someone, there are things we're going to overlook and that is part of feelings, chemistry, call it love. If you will, and that is okay. We just need to forgive ourselves for that. Yeah, and you know, sometimes it's not even overlooking them, sometimes just with time, different things come out. It's called getting to know a person. Yes. And I think we forget too that if we do make a decision to go down a path with someone, it's not that we're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it is a continuous cycle, like if you see a lot of red flags that end up being deal breakers. It's not that you could never leave this relationship after you find the relationship. So it's some of it is just taking a chance to some degree, but also as things unravel themselves, seeing what is good for you as a person. I think so many times we want to be in a relationship, but ultimately we have to put ourselves first a lot of the times in this too is do I feel good route around this person? Do I feel good about myself? Is this relationship feel healthy in the sense that we're both contributing and working for the better of the relationship? These are all questions that continuously come up at all stages. Sure does. So you pulled our group about red flags. I was going to say, I want to read some of the answers to the questions. So I love polling our Facebook group for these types of episodes because, you know, a lot of times we do see people say, this is a red flag. That's red flag. But getting it all at one area is really helpful. And I think I want to pull a few of the ones that came in and maybe kind of we can expand on them a little more. Get the take of how much of a red flag this is. And we go into all the definitions later in the episode, but like UA alluded to like what's a red flag versus annoyance versus a complete deal breaker. There is a difference on all of this. Okay, so the first one we got in was you'll laugh at this because I feel like we hear the slot. Trump supporter. Yeah. This one, this one irks me a little bit because it just groups so many people into one thing. And then by saying this, you're also saying, all non Trump supporters are good, which is definitely not the truth. There are definitely a lot of serial killers who don't support Trump. So these generalizations are, they don't affect us personally. I think the more if it affects you personally, for example, someone who is demeaning to women. Now, that's a red flag. But a Trump supporter doesn't necessarily denote that. I think we're just a grouping so many characteristics into one generalization. Do you think you have like 20 years we're still going to be say Trump supporter? I feel like of all presidency he will never lose that connotation. Right? Or in 20 years, yeah, maybe he goes down in history as the most polarizing president. But yeah, I think it definitely could be true, but it's like, again, we've interviewed actual couples on this show who are opposing political stance and they are fully in love and they have really healthy arguments. So yeah, not a red flag. I hate Trump. I'm not going to defend him in any way, but I also don't bounce a red flag. I think it's an incompatibility. And like you said, there's a lot of nuance. Is this and then compatibility that you can deal with or not? And that's fine to say, I'm not going to be compatible with someone like let's say you really, like we did here even from last week with Michael Kay from OkCupid that political affiliation is a big deal. And I'm not doubting that either, but I don't think it's a red flag. I think that's, again, the misuse of the word red flag red flag is a pause that there might be reason that this can't be a healthy relationship. And I do think this is more nuanced. Okay. People who say they have a bitch ex-wife are complain about exes. They tend to be the problem. Okay, not a red flag. Definitely a warning sign. It's a warning sign. I think it's a warning sign and for someone to be more curious about why someone would speak so poorly of their ex, sometimes it could denote that the relationship is too fresh. Sometimes they get to know that someone invites drama into their life. Sometimes it could just mean that they were treated very poorly by their ex. Again, can generalize. I don't think it's a red flag. It's more just cause for curiosity.

00:10:02 - 00:15:01

Yeah, I mean, I think it's definitely something to take note of, especially if they're constantly saying that everyone is at fault. I think that's different. If it seems like they're the only person that didn't do wrong, no accountability is a red flag in my book. But I agree with you just one person. Well, it's not a good sign by any means that they don't like their acts and are bad terms with them. I don't know if it's enough information. I would say also more data needed. Okay. There's another one that I think I would agree with is lack of self awareness, blaming others for all their problems. I think that's a red flag. I think when I've heard of situations that Friends have been in, that are less than ideal that are borderline abusive relationships is no accountability. Everything is the other person's faults. That, to me, is a sign that you can not coexist as a partnership. That to me is a true sign of a red flag. And ultimately a deal breaker. I agree. It's like they're so narrow minded that they can't see other people's sides, and they probably will gaslight you into thinking you're the one that's wrong. You're the one that's doing all the bad things. So yeah, that's a major red flag. Okay. People who are quick to say all men are all women and say they're the nice guy in a bitter way. Huh. It's such a tricky one. The trick question. Is that a red flag in my mind? It makes someone definitely unattractive to me. So I may not pursue that anymore, but I wouldn't be like, oh, I really like you, but that's a major red flag. I think I would just not even like them in the first place. Yeah, they would come off very bitter. I think that's what it comes off. You know, we talked to a lot of data that do this. And I don't think they're deeply flawed, bad people. I honestly think a lot of times they're just not even aware that they're doing it. Your vocabulary does matter and people do listen. So I agree, this isn't necessarily a red flag. I would say call them in with it. And then see how they react. And that will give you a cue into, is this a red flag or not? Okay. Not having their own friend network. They don't need to be a social butterfly, but at least a couple of solid friendships. Do they have another support network? Again, I'm curious to know, sometimes I think it's refreshing when someone just has another alternative support system. They're like, I may now have your traditional friends, but I have this network that supports me. So I just be more curious about that. I don't think this is a red flag at all. And I'm someone that is super social and for years thought it might have been, but I currently do not believe this. I think also like hetero men and women are very different with relationships. I've seen this in my past boyfriends. I've seen this in my Friends partners. Sometimes it's just like the ability to upkeep personal relationships at how deep they go is there's like an SNL skit of like bringing your boyfriend to the dog park, basically the man parked, like meet other male friends because they just do not socialize the same way as women do. And the ease of making Friends tends to be different. I think there's so many factors, too, as you get older, a lot of times people like move into different life stages with friends that have now had children or moved away. Like there's so many different reasons for not having a friend network. Maybe if they've had zero friends and their entire life, but even that, I would say get curious, but I think judging on current day of who they know in their current city. I think there's more to that story. And I would look at it more like, are they able to be social with your Friends? Are they able to carry on conversations with coworkers? And do they have family network with you or saying, what does that look like outside of just Friends? So yeah, I don't think it's a red flag. I think, again, it's just things to ask more about. Have conversations, not in a judgmental way, which is trying to get to know them better. For sure. Okay. Last one? Last one. So let me pick a good one. Love bombing, gaslighting, and wanting to meet after one or two exchange sentences. That's like 5000 things in one. You know, it's all fucking relative. Love bombing to you could mean something very normal for someone else, gaslighting. Did we say cat was gaslighting? Yes. Yeah, gaslighting. We're throwing around all these words. What this what this comment means to me is that you haven't really had the conversation about what you're looking for and what your expectations are. So if you don't communicate your needs, of course, someone can love bomb you, gaslight you, they can do all the wrong things. I think the wanting to meet after one or two sentences is interesting too, because it's like, I think everyone just has different rules of what they think works, especially when it comes to dating apps. I agree. I'm not going to say like it wasn't off putting when I would just start talking to someone all of a sudden they're like, do you want to meet up without getting to know me at all? Because it kind of feels like they're just doing that to everyone.

00:15:01 - 00:20:08

But at the same time, I don't know if I'd say it's a red flag because they might just think like I need to get off the app. You really have no idea what they're doing with anyone else. So yeah, I would also say it's not a red flag. Maybe you could say like, hey, let's put up a boundary of like, hey, I would like to chat a little more before we meet up. Then you see how they react to that boundary. That's could be telling if it's a red flag or not. I think the word gaslighting is so interesting to me. I feel like it's the number one most overused. That in narcissism. And I'm not against saying that someone get like the true definition of gaslighting of someone basically telling you you're wrong or you don't feel the things that you feel. Like I do think that is a red flag. I think if someone is putting words in your mouth or diminishing your emotions, huge red flag of not being able to have a healthy relationship with them. But we overuse this word so much. And I always feel like it diminishes what actual gasoline is, because people just throw that up all the time for everything. Yeah. This is what's so fucked up about our dating culture is that the dating industry is fucked up. We're getting conflicting dating advice and we're getting conflicting dating advice from our peers and our Friends too. So people don't know what to do or what to expect. So then we create these parameters of how other people should act around us and we don't communicate them. And then the dating industry loves throwing these trendy words in. So then you're like, oh wait, that's what they're doing. They're gaslighting me. Oh, oh wait. Right. That's what they're doing their love bombing me. Because you're just trying to find words around why your needs haven't been met. So end of the day who cares what these terms are, you, if you are not setting the other person up for success by communicating your needs and your boundaries, you're doing yourself and them a disservice. And let's not use all these trendy words because this industry loves coming up with bullshit trendy words. Every quarter. Yes. I agree. And I think I would rather a slip the conversation to green flags. And I know it's not as sexy. Like if you do a Google search for red flags versus grade flags or an Instagram hashtag you get a fraction of the result, but if you could say like my green flags are someone that respects my feelings or they see and hear me when I'm have a differing opinion. The more specific we can get to and then if they don't meet that, then it's signed to let them go. Instead of looking for the things that are bad, what if we looked for the things that are good, and if someone's not coming up and meeting your standards with it, then it's time to move on. I feel like that's just such a more positive way to go about interacting with people because you're really trying to look for the good in it. When they reveal themselves, if they are to reveal themselves, not in that way, then you just take action accordingly. Right. Absolutely. This is why we really need to get into this episode because there's so much more meat to this and it's good that we break it down and also use real life examples. Totally. We could definitely save all of this for the episode. Before we get into the episode just a reminder that the 22 day dating app challenge is Dao live, there was a glitch of the website, the very first day, but we did resolve it and it is currently live and ready to go. People are already in the challenge, actively going through the different days, so if you want to make the most out of this peak dating season, which is around Halloween through, Thanksgiving, get on the challenge now again, that's finding your person dot com slash apps and you can sign up today and this will be up until the end of October, so if you're thinking about it, you know, today's the day, why not start now? Okay. Before we get into it, let's hear a quick message from our sponsors. This episode is brought to you by the one love foundation. The numbers of people affected by relationship abuse are startling. Abusive relationships rarely start with physical abuse. Instead, they're often red flags, like manipulation, isolation, belittling, and volatility. Do you know the signs? One law foundation, a national nonprofit dedicated to ending relationship abuse, empowers you to see the signs of an unhealthy relationship before things go too far. Visit join one love dot org and learn to spot the signs of unhealthy and healthy relationship behaviors. This episode is sponsored by the book a ghost in shiny armor by terese behari. In this spellbinding romantic comedy from this acclaimed author, a woman with a Supernatural talent is haunted by one persistent spirit in a seductive, impossible love. Oh, sounds spooky and romantic just in time for Halloween. Once haunted, Gemma Daniels has never quite been the down to earth woman her adoptive parents razor to be. She even has a unique gift she can see ghosts and she likes helping them settle their unfinished business, but the hotter than hot strangers she impulsively kisses on a bet is not only a phantom.

00:20:08 - 00:25:13

He's determined to help her. And the only way Gemma can explain his presence is to pretend they are a real-life couple. So who is a sexy phantom meat Levi walker? He lived and died to save his sister. Now he's got a second chance at life if he assists Gemma in reuniting with her own long lost sibling, but then never sees Gemma again. But as he starts to enjoy her personality, he's finding it hard to abide by any rules at all. Now Gemma is thrilled to be getting to know her sister, but she's falling for a ghost with a dilemma. To fix their mistakes, Gemma Levi must risk being real with themselves and each other. Find out more about the book, a ghost and shiny armor at Kensington books dot com or wherever books are sold. Okay, let's hear it from Janice all about red flags. So we've got our guests with us today initially we want to talk about dating as a female entrepreneur, which is still part of the story, but I think deeper than that is how do you date in the most efficient effective way without writing people off, right? So who is Janice? She's 34 years old based in LA originally from Dallas. She's single and actively going on dates and she's dating someone but haven't defined the relationship, a welcome to our show, Janice. Hello hello. Yes, we're so excited to have you. And this is such a hot topic, so it is the perfect one for us to go into. Just a little backstory about you and we'll make this pretty quick. So you were engaged last year and decided to end it. What happened at the end of that engagement that made you say, nope, not going to happen. So without revealing too much, I still kind of want to protect that person's reputation. Of course. But it was happening too frequently. For example, like some lower emotional intelligence actions like the very basic examples, silent treatments, stonewalling. These are things I actually never really experienced before in my life. And I was experiencing with my ex fiance. And that was really scary. And then also the verbal abuse. A lot of temper issues and yeah, so was this stuff like a parent through the whole relationship or what did it take to the end to see it? The very beginning, obviously, there were some signs, but not directly at that. So for example, the stonewalling were like silent treatment in the beginning of dating, you're not really going to see that unless you get into a huge fight, or disagreement, and we have that. But I did notice some, like, maybe emotional, unavailability. But I was like, maybe I'm looking too much into it. I should just overlook it. And you can learn a lot from how they talk about their family and how they interact with their parents, siblings and things like that. Just how they deal with their closed circle. I did see some avoidance actions. But again, I was like, oh, he's not like that with me. So it must not be a problem. But then throughout their relationship here and there, there were times where I was given small periods of sign and treatment. But I'm the type that's very like straightforward. And so if he's silent, I don't think about like, oh, is he so well? I mean, I just think about, oh, maybe he doesn't want to talk. And a few hours later, let me go approach him. And I don't mind me the first one to be like, hey, what's wrong? Let's talk about what happened earlier in the neutral. But I think later on the issue was that he was probably just like, this is how I am, but he actually said that to me. He said, this is how you get used to it. And I was like, I am not gonna get used to this. You know, we're always growing and learning from each other and just surrounding inspire us. And I don't think that was a fair thing to say. So I left. Well, I think that's what many of us struggle with in a relationship is there's this growth period and they're growing pains and you're getting to know each other because you're a mere stranger is trying to do life together. And then there's a line that's drawn between that and I no longer stand for this type of behavior. So do you remember the moment when you said I'm drawing the line here? Because I can't live with this forever. Like Julia, we're engaged. And I was trying to have a baby and we were both trying and that's when I was like, I don't think I'm really down for this. These are signs of a good father. I was just like, I don't think I want to bring a child into this world with this man. And that was enough for me to walk away. I still loved him very much. But that was enough for me too. Just leave. I think it's interesting that you brought this up, is that like when we meet someone and we fall in love with them, we want to see the best in them. And I think that a lot of these situations where there are some of these red flags and in the true definition of red flags, it's basically things that would prevent a healthy relationship from forming. And I think what you did say are actual red flags. I think the word red flag gets the road around. Way too much. But what you said actually were red flags, but I can also see why you would say like, okay, he's not like this with me or maybe he is like that, but there's all these other really good things that like over correct that type of thing. You know, were there any times that you did take a step back until that breaking point, like when you were trying to have a child and say like, is this the right relationship for me? Or did you not really question it? It all didn't really show up all that much until at the very end.

00:25:13 - 00:30:00

When it was after the engagement. Before we got engaged, everything was still very contained, and I was like, oh, you know, he does have a lot of temper, but it's never apnea, and then afterwards he just processes it, and then you just need to give him time and it's fine. Because this is a thing, right? And no one's perfect. And I think we all come from somewhere that we're working on how to deal with ourselves and our emotions. So I just felt like, okay, now he's learning to deal with it. And I know how our dynamics are, then it's okay. And that's the thing too, is when a man is, I think, under stress, that's why you can really tell his emotional intelligence and what level he's at. If he's still grounded or if he's all over the place and taking it on, you and you know, that kind of stuff. How long were you two together for? A year and a half, almost two years. And then engagement for how long? Three months, three, four months. Okay. So things really came out in the engagement period. Right after, right after it was very quick. And I think what pushed me over was when I you just have to get used to it. Right, because you said it earlier, no one's perfect. And I'm not saying that's like justify bad behavior, but that is the fact. You would probably find a red flag with everyone, like all three of us included, but the question is are you going to I'm perfect? You're like, that's a Red Bull. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That's a red flag. What do you think you're perfect to have no red flags? Do you know what I mean? Like if you're willing to work on it, does that justify it? I guess you said that you saw a few signs of temper. Was there anything else that early on you noticed and was like, um, this is interesting. Every time that we disagreed on something or he was unhappy about something or something I said that was not directed at him, but he felt sensitive towards. Then, you know, obviously he goes cold for a bit, and then he would probably talk to someone else. Talk to someone else like a friend or family member? No, an interested person or something. I'll seek attention elsewhere. Yes, yes. I totally understand. I had a friend who went through this when there was turmoil in the relationship. He went outside of the relationship to look for comfort because those are a surface level relationships and they haven't even dealt with these things yet. So it was more comforting for him to talk to a stranger and flirt with her and get comfort from her. Yes, okay. So it's almost like drug addicts, right? They go chase that and just to feel a little bit better, they come back. But they're not really understanding that the actual problem is how to deal with the issue themselves. And so they're like vicious cycle over and over. So it sounds like from this relationship, you know, you bet someone awesome, riding the high of love. Overlook somethings and then later you're like, okay, this is not gonna be good for me in a relationship. How does that change the way you're dating now? Because, you know, we can imagine, you'd be cautious. Wouldn't want this to happen again. Like, what do you see showing up in your dating life current day? It's so financially the way you put it was exactly how I I am very straightforward and I do everything with my whole heart. So that's why the relationship went the way that it went. And I think it was probably getting engaged. And then, yeah, let's have a baby. And then when things happened and I was also the same way, right? I don't want to deal with this. I'm going to leave. And now I think it's been like a year in some months now. So I think I've matured a lot in how I see people. When I first meet them, I don't really let all the good things and all the sweetness and, you know, all the kind words, whatever. Like, I don't let all that to blind me anymore. I would say I kind of really listen. And I suggest everyone to do that too. You guys probably, I mean, you guys are experts, so you do it all the time. If you listen to them, not analyzing, but just really listen instead of when we're having a conversation, most of the time, people are thinking about, oh, how do I respond to him? What am I going to say next? But you're not really listening. But if you're really listening to them, you would be able to tell what kind of person he is, how he grew up his background and his personality, his emotional intelligence, the way he uses his words if a man says I feel a lot or I know a lot or I think a lot. Yeah. And when they're answering your questions about a certain situation that's not directed at them. For example, you're telling them a situation of Alex family or something. And they would say, oh, all they wanted at the time was trust or blah, blah, blah. If they were in that situation, that's how they would feel. So a lot of times you don't have to be so direct at. How would you feel if you were in this situation, but you know? Yeah. And just for the record, I know we're talking about this in a hetero perspective and you date men, so you're saying that, but anyone can have red flags. Anyone, I think these tips are good for us. I just want to put that out as we get to do this convo.

00:30:00 - 00:35:01

That's the tone, but not because it's directed at one group. Yes, men and women are equally red flag ridden. No discrimination for red flags. There we go. It's a good point, though, because in initial dating, we're so concerned with getting the other person to like us back that we forget to see them for who they are. And people are quite honest with who they are. We just don't listen to them. Or we don't want to see it. Well, that too. And that's kind of on you. That's another set of issues. And a technique of these couples counselors would do is they would, if you're going to couples counseling, they would give you a hypothetical situation, a problem, and have you solve it together, just to see, it's not about your problem, but they want to see how you would react in those situations. So I think that is a good gauge in the beginning of a relationship is hearing how they would maybe solve some of the other problems. But then when do we over correct for looking for only red flags that we forget to see this person for the goodness that they are like Jan as you said if they say nice things to you, you're like, I'm not going to be blinded by that. I'm not going to be listening to that. Do you find yourself being that way that you're kind of overlooking the goodness in people now? I am overly excited and happy for people when they meet them too. I always see the good and the potential in them that I think now I kind of just pull back on more neutral now. That's good. And that's the thing too. I want to keep the ability to see the good in me was people. I'm not owing it to myself too because nobody like I always say no one is here to pay for your exes that or anything. So you need to clear it out. I'm all about that. Yeah. I think it's a good quality too that we wouldn't want you to lose and other people out there. I mean, I have a friend that, you know, I admire just how head first she dives into things and you think I'm a romantic, like this person makes me look like I have the biggest cynic in the world. I think I know who you're talking about. Mutual friend WA said I, but sometimes I do question like, are you diving so fast that you're missing red flags? How do you kind of balance the two? Because also red flags is subjective. Like I think we do toss the word around a lot. The definition of the ability to have a healthy relationship. Some people will say, they didn't text me for an hour, red flag, or this person just broke up with someone a month ago, red flag, or they've never been in a relationship before red flag. People are just tossing this out left and right. Like how do we differentiate between what is actually detrimental to a relationship versus just something that may be is a quirk. It's an annoyance. Annoyance. A yellow flag maybe. I think it's different for everyone. It's really what they need. And also say there's a lot to, it's kind of like the elements like chemistry of your one element, this other person is another element. That may be toxic to something else, but combined with you that could not be it, you know? So I think it's a subjective, like you said, the example of if the person does a text back in an hour. You know, back then, if I didn't text my ex fiance back in like maybe an hour and a half, two hours, he would be like, where were you? What are you doing? And at first I was like, huh, that's kinda weird. Maybe he just really likes me. He does. Yeah. Right. But then later, I was like, okay, I think it's a little bit of anxiety of insecurity kind of like a baby that woke up and can not refine his blanket or something and just wanted comfort. I think but some people love that and they feel secure in that and it's different. I mean, for me, how do I spot that? I don't go on dates looking for a red flag because if I do that and I keep my eyes and ears open for that because then you're kind of like guarded and you're in this full analyzing mode, you're like an investigating mode. So I still have fun. I'm still open. I actually want to look for what I came here to look for. Does he have certain quality side like? But it's not really to look at reflex and if they do something or say something repeatedly that I am not really into in a relationship that, you know, the frequency of it comes up more like red flags. Maybe we should define what a red flag is. What's the difference between red flag, a deal breaker, or an opportunity for improvement? What is the difference here? How are we using it? I mean, I'm curious what your definitions are and that we could reveal the actual definition. Because I think everyone has a different definition. You are what you said deal breaker. I think dealbreaker is someone who is just full of themselves and not aware. They don't have the self awareness. I think that for me is a definite deal breaker. I don't even think about it twice. Someone that only sees their view, their perspective, and not have empathy for people around them. Yeah, I'm aligned with that. It's like a deal breaker is something that you can't even work on. I think a red flag is an opportunity to work on things. But a deal breaker, like what you were saying with verbal abuse to me, that's a deal breaker that's intentionally hurting someone.

00:35:02 - 00:40:01

That's no longer a red flag, right? Am I wrong in that? I agree. The prop that's hard, though, and this is kind of what Janice you were saying is a lot of times this takes time till you're more comfortable until you're more established. I mean, we obviously don't know your ex fiance, but I wonder if there's this feeling of like, oh, we're engaged now. It's now secure. I can do this step. She's not going anywhere, you know? He said, this is the real me. Supposedly when he's out puts on a facade, he's nice he's whatever he's very distant. So then now that we're engaged, I am part of him and his circle and this is how he is. And I was just like, I felt so bad at the time. I didn't fight back or anything. I was just like, isn't this so tiring living the way that you live? But this is when they can't even open up to themselves. We really try to work on things and some things just can't be resolved. What did you try to work on? How did you try to work on things? He actually went to a therapist. A psychologist. But after a few sessions, guess what? He came back and he was like, you know what? I looked him up. He didn't go to like, you know, I mean, my fiance went to a very great educational institutions, but he was just like, oh, the psychologist didn't really go to a good school. It was like an excuse to leave, basically. Yes. It's interesting because there's a lot of definitions on the Internet about what red flags are. I like this one that's red flags or behaviors that give you serious pause or should give you serious pause that could indicate a larger pattern that makes an unhealthy relationship. And I think that actually what you're saying is the anger issues the not be able to admit that they're wrong and stuff like that. Those are more red flags and then ultimately what you saw became the deal breaker hence that you left. The part that I think is important for people to remember while I see why people love the term red flag. I see why people want to be constantly looking for them because it's a protection mechanism. And it should be, like, we don't want to go into bad situations. But I think the word serious is important. I kid you not. I've heard people say that when someone texts the wrong tense of there, it's a red flag. So there's all sorts of things that people just wildly misuse this word. And I love people to walk away with serious pause. It doesn't mean that that can't irk you or it can't be something that makes you question things, but I feel like that's not a red flag. At least in my opinion and definition. No, that makes so much sense. Totally, because I think we talked about this, right? It's not like the guy shows up with two different socks, color that. But people say that though, people say stuff like that all the time, I feel like. If it threatens your long-term relationship status or the ability to work on it, then I think, yeah, you're right. That's total red line. Yeah, like you're well-being. I feel like that's how I would look at it. And this capture the red flag game can be really fun. If you go on this hunt, then you have so much to report back and you were saying there's red flags on everybody. And then you just come back and report to your friends. Oh my God, there were so many red flags. People say that to me all the time. They're like, oh yeah, there's like my red flag thing that worked much. Right. But they don't really know my work schedule though. I work a few hours a day. They're just at different hours. So sometimes if I'm working at 7 p.m., maybe I started at 6 and 8, you know what I mean? So there's a lot of different things to different people. I think I would also say back to the definition of serious threat to your well-being in relationship is working too much. Maybe that's an incompatibility. I don't think it's a red flag. Yes, I think sometimes people will say that just to justify why something's not working out or justify not putting their all into something. But I do think there's two separate issues here. There's the people that may be playing capture the red flag wanting to find all the red flags and then maybe like your situation, Janice before current day of not seeing them for what they are. Yeah, totally. I think I totally missed a lot of it. And I also saw the part that he wanted to. He was willing to work on things. And so that's why I stayed and I was there. And I was like, you know, and even though that happened to me before, I still feel that way until now. I think people who are willing to work on some of their negative behaviors that are not too detrimental. I think the two partners can work on it together. And I don't think that's a codependent thing. You're also there to remind him or her, you know, I think that's fine. But it wasn't until when he wasn't willing to work on it. You know, no one can help you if you don't want to help yourselves. And we always say the recipe for a healthy relationship is when both people make the effort and walk towards each other. It is one person pieces out and says, you said yes to me. You chose me. So why do I have to change? That's when you have a major red flag. The other dimension of red flags is that reflex can come out of what you think is good behavior too.

00:40:01 - 00:45:03

And an example is I've given this example before I was dating this guy who would plan out every date on an Excel spreadsheet. And I was like, well, my God, this guy is such a planner and he would plan every hour. He would know exactly where we're eating and what time we're getting the car, all of that, but this became a control issue later in our relationship where none of my opinions mattered. Can we have Japanese tonight? No, I already planned out the night. So that was a red flag that came out of good dating behavior, so I think or so called good dating behavior. So I think it dwindles down to this red flags are things that make you feel not the way you want to be treated. So in your example of someone saying, oh, she works too much as a red flag. That's not the red flag, the red flag is are you making them feel like you're abandoning them? Are you making them feel like they're less of a priority? That's a red flag to communicate, right? That's true. I think what it's coming down is people don't know how to articulate what their needs are in a relationship. So they go to, oh, you work too much. Instead of like, maybe this isn't even true from what you're saying because you just have a different work schedule, but there's probably a deep fear of abandonment or not feeling needed within them that they're just unwilling to look at and have a conversation with you. I personally think the problem with the red flag hunt in the capture the red flag game is that it basically allows us to peace out without having any conversation. It justifies leaving. This person could have easily said to you, Janice, like, tell me about your work schedule. Like, how do you balance having interpersonal relationships? But the quicker thing to do, the easier thing to do was up red flag. Yes. I remember, he said, that was a red flag. Cool works during dinner hours, and then he said to his friend, she probably went on another date, but I was working. You know, so I didn't even want to argue or justify anything to that person, but like you said, they captured that, or they think it's an incompatibility, but they don't communicate it. Right. And working on it with you, they just say it's red flag, say somethings, and then they leave. I think you also have to remember, I remember doing the same thing, I would work through dinnertime, but now that I have a partner, we eat dinner together, so I have to plan it more. It doesn't mean that you're incapable of doing it. It's just whatever life stage you're in. So I totally agree with you. It's like just have the conversation. I think personally, for people that are finding red flags or I'd say yellow flags because they're not really red flags. I would say instead of calling them a red flag or even a yellow flag. Let's refrain from any of this. How about it's a pause. It's a curiosity factor. How do I ask another question that will let me understand this person a little more. I think that's a better approach for these things that aren't these major issues that are going to get in the way of a long-term, healthy relationship. And your overall wellness. Yeah, no, that's so true too. And nowadays, I think people are living in their own world, even though we're intersecting and interacting with everyone. But at the same time, we're still living our own nuclear world, our behaviors, habits, everything. So if you don't communicate, I don't voice it, and you're trying to partner with someone, even in business, it's not going to work. Okay, so let's take this to the real world because I'm sure our listeners are like, okay, I want to stop hunting for red flags, but next time I feel like I see a red flag, what do I do? So let's take the example of, oh, he hasn't texted me back in an hour and a half. To me, that's a red flag. What do I do now? Is it you a? To me? Yeah. An hour and a half. Oh man, I gotta remember back. Depends on how much I like this person. I think if I really like them to me, it would have driven me crazy. I would have caused a lot of anxiety in my body. So yes, at that time, I think I would have been like, oh, red flag. Right. But again, is that a red flag because they're doing so wrong or is it just your reaction to it? It's a reaction. That's what I think we're saying. In my opinion, there's two tiers of red flags. These insignificant ones and I love this hypothetical of like, what do we do when we hit these insignificant ones? So what do we do in this scenario? If this was an issue, I would probably approach them the next time we talk in person, not through text or phone call, but in person, just like, you know, like if you just kind of see their work schedule and do you see, they just see my text and if they're like, yeah, I kind of just left it. You know, to be honest, I'm a bad person to ask this question because I think an hour and a half is really fast. I usually text but that goes to show you everyone thinks about it differently, right? Yes. That's a perfect living proof of that. Yes. So I'd be on the other side, right? The guy will come to me and ask me if I saw this. I would say sometimes I'm doing whatever, or I'm in the meeting, and if he says, next time, if you see it, that's my ex fiance. He's the next time you see it. Can you just respond to me? Let me know your schedule. Let me know if you're going into it. I'm aware that that's what you're doing. And I did do that. So it's not like they don't know what you're doing and you kind of just leave them hanging. That's a little irresponsible too, because like you said, I guess you guys were dating seriously.

00:45:03 - 00:50:06

But they didn't initially in the beginning, I think, you know, I don't really think they have to respond. I think you bring up a good point, Jen, as it's what is the intention of this, are they leaving you hanging to get control? That could actually signifying something larger in the red flag world that actually could be bad for a healthy relationship. Are they leaving you on red because they're genuinely busy and they've intend to get back to you right away or maybe they're not much of a text or like there's so many reasons. I think having the invitation to tell people this is how I like to communicate with partners. You know, I had this happen in my current relationship that I shared with my partner like, hey, this is my one thing. This is the thing that really makes me feel insecure and I'm not saying you're doing it just in general. This has been the one thing and he now knew that info and could work with it. And then you get to see to someone rise to the top and they're going to actually want to make a good partner wants to make you happy, right? Yes. So if there's someone that is going to rise to the top and be like, okay, I know this is like a thing for them. I'm going to be extra conscious to reply back right away or what if someone dismisses you completely and they're just like, that's ridiculous. That says so much about how that person's going to be a future partner. So I think all these little things just open the convo to see the real red flag in my opinion. Right. And like you said, if the person is not that big of a texture, then what does he can he reach out through phone calls or even voices like three to 5 seconds? There are different ways, right? And relationship is also an investment. If you want good turnouts of this relationship, then he needs to support anyone, right? We all need to put in some kind of investment of our time. And I think this is pretty easy communication on the daily, a few seconds. I think that's a pretty doable. But I think that also shows problem solving. Can we work through a solution together? Right. That's another good one or someone just say, well, I don't like to tax. Tough luck. It's the setting people up for success. Versus watching people fail. Yes. That's the difference in this mentality. And I think a lot of times in dating, it's like we just watch people and then we passively judge them and say, I don't like the way they live their life. I don't like their behavior. But I'm not gonna say anything. I'm just passively judging because dating is like a pageant. I'm just gonna judge. So they know my unwritten rules that I have a communicated at all that are living in my head. Of course, how do they not know this? How could they not know this? How is it possible that they don't live their life exactly the way I do? How's it possible? I think you bring up a really good point you ate though, it's like with this whole red flag combo. I don't think any of us are saying that you shouldn't look out for red flags. Because, you know, things that are actually problematic in a relationship. I don't think we should all walk around completely naive that everyone has like a 100% pure intentions, but I do think it's not just trying to set people up for failure. How do we set them up for success and then use that information and kind of pulling from what you said, Janice earlier, like hear what they're actually saying when they respond to you and then you have more data and that's how you can decide if it's a red flag or not. Totally. In Janice, being a entrepreneur yourself, going through this engagement that ended, and now intentional dating, what is your biggest challenge that you're facing right now? I think guys are timid when they know that you're like a business owner, entrepreneur for the last decade or whatever. It's not like it started to yesterday, right? So I see that. And I think that affects the way they behave around me. For example, if they're usually more open and more relaxed on the first date. But with me, it would be more like cautious or like, you know, it's very different. They're not really themselves. I mean, but it's not my problem to coach them through this. I'd be like, hey, I'm still very down to earth. Like, don't worry, or whatever, but I think that's the big challenge here is they don't really do what they normally would do. They're not really themselves. That's interesting. I agree, it's not your kind of world to coach them, but maybe let's reframe it is that you're trying to connect with some of these people, right? I love what we talked about earlier. This person that said, oh, you're red flag as you work too much. And what we uncovered is this deeper need maybe for connection or a fear that you're not going to be around enough. Right. Is there ways that you can also get curious with these people too and kind of try to understand where they're coming from and what their I don't want to use the word red flags we're trying not to, but there hesitations may be, maybe, is a good way to put it. Like, I used to be a behavior therapist, actually. So I'm very open to other people's suggestions, feelings, anything, but they need to be bringing up to me. I would usually ask a question like, how do you feel about that? But I would never go and become a therapist and start leading them through things because it becomes a habit.

00:50:06 - 00:55:05

If I do that, then I'm setting up the road map for our future relationship is every time something is wrong, I have to be the one to go through it with them. I have to become a therapist pretty much. So I lead that to the man to come to me and if they have something that we talk. And if they express that, then we work through it. But if they don't express it and go to their friends and talk about it, I'm not going to go approach them and say, hey, I heard this and that because that's not my thing. I wonder if there's some sort of limiting belief here, though, that men are intimidated by female entrepreneurs and therefore they can't really step up when we go on dates and it's really up to them to step up or express themselves. I wonder if it's just a self fulfilling prophecy in some ways that you're thinking this and then you keep attracting this. I mean, obviously I'm talking about challenges. So these are the challenges. But I've also had really good ones who are really themselves and really at ease. But the challenges would be, yeah, if I had any challenges, it would be this. It would be that they're intimidated and they become because they do tell their friends and it does come back to me. So that's that. Let's hold that thought for a quick message. We are stoked to bring back our 22 day dating app reset challenge just in time for cuffing season. How many times have you uninstalled it in install the apps? How do you know of your profiles doing you justice? Are you frustrated by conversations that go nowhere? Do you sometimes think dating apps are out to get you? Yeah, you're not alone, but online dating doesn't have to be this way. Through our 22 day dating app challenge, you will learn tactics that will help you break through the BS and find incredible partners through the app. We are on a mission to make online dating work for you. And that takes consistency and accountability. Every day for 22 days, you will be given facts, hacks, tips, prompts, and tasks to help you slay online dating. In 22 days, you'll be using the apps like you've never used them before. The stating reset also comes with a comprehensive dating profile review from us. We are about to enter the busiest dating season of the year, so we want to see you thrive during this time. We are offering this for a limited time only from now until the end of October for just a $122, you'll receive this completely self guided 22 day challenge as well as a comprehensive dating profile review from us. This is an incredible deal because just a dating profile reveal alone is worth a $100. To sign up, just go to finding your person dot com slash apps. Again, that's finding your person dot com slash apps. Now that we talked about it a little earlier that you listen a lot more to what they say when you're on dates. What other things are you kind of maybe aware of more now given your past situation in your current challenges and where you want to go? I don't want to be analyzing people on the first day or first few dates. You know, looking for things like I'm an investigator. I don't like that. I like to have fun and relax and just really wanna connection. So there are things that I actually look for. Number one thing is how comfortable they are with themselves. So how they are with themselves as in when they talk about their childhood growing up and also where they're at now, you know, pessimist mistakes if they've already released it and only focused on them now in the future or are they still just thinking about the paths over and over? And that's kind of like trapping them from moving forward in the future. So that's something that is a little bit tough to work with because it's a lot of their personality and how they are, but that's another topic. So I look for that, you know, I like people who are really comfortable at ease with themselves confident is another thing empathy is a huge thing. There are so many things. And the guy that I'm dating now is like that. So I'm very happy. You know what I love about what you just said is a lot of times when people are burned by red flags, they'll say, or jailbreakers, whatever we wanted to find it as they'll say, I never want someone that's not emotionally available, but you flipped it to positive qualities. And I think that's actually really important to point out because you basically took your situation where you overlook some pretty serious things. And instead of coming out jaded and upset, guarded and all the things, you looked at what are the qualities that I are important. So this doesn't happen again. So I applaud you for that. I want to point that out. That is amazing that if another guy, all of a sudden, y'all got somebody or whatever, I'm not triggered. Totally. Kind of see that too, right? If there are stressful situations, how do they handle it? Like EQ to me is the most important thing to me. Sometimes more than IQ. Okay. Yeah, I could see that. I think we can all say that's true. You can't read your book through a relationship, but you know. I used to say this. He was like, you want some help with high EQ. I'm telling you, it's not going to happen. He said, you want someone with high IQ and EQ because he's really smart and intelligent. So he's trying to tell me that you can only pick one. And then with him, obviously it's IQ, so he wanted me to give up on the emotional intelligence, which is not going to happen.

00:55:06 - 01:00:00

Yeah, I think that is the red flag here for all of us to listen to. It's the unwillingness to let go of who you think you are. And I've given this example with my current relationship in the beginning of our relationship, I was trying to hold on to the independent woman, don't need no man. I don't need to sleep over and I don't need to give in to someone else and I wasn't really into sleepovers and he's like, I really like waking up next to you and you can hold on to your identity as an independent woman, but if we want to be in a relationship together, would you be willing to shed a little bit of that war to more fat identity into one of a couple. And that was very eye opening for me because I realized I have been holding on to who I was and the way I like to do things as a way of control and protection. That was a red flag that we were willing to work on together. This red flag makes a lot of sense to me. Not even their behavior but sir mindset of not willing to let go of who they think they are. Yeah, exactly. Because it's safer to stay uncomfortable than to change and be a new environment that they had no idea what it's gonna be like. But kudos to your boyfriend, yo, they could even say that. I feel like most people will just be like, oh, it's not going my way, red flag. I'm out. The fat so that you just needed the awareness. Yeah. So many people probably a day they just need the awareness. You know, we always question why there's so many people that just can't find each other. I really think it comes down to, you know, a lot of times not giving the benefit of the doubt to good people and letting them know how to make you happy, essentially. And just writing them off in oftentimes actually not writing off the wrong people. Like we tend to justify behavior for people that actually probably have way deeper red flags than things we could just communicate and have a conversation about. That's very true. Why do we do that? Why do we do that? Because we want to be an agent of change. We want to be able to change this person and say, yes, they may be wrong for me, but I think I can make them right for me. Then we tolerate bad behavior. I don't know. I'm speaking for myself though. Or you feel like, oh my God, are we loving much? And he did this for me. He did this change. So he must love me so much kind of thing. My theory is I think some of the most toxic people are the most charismatic people. Yeah. And it's actually people that are baby given the chance because they're like, oh, the red flag is their awkward, or there's something. Like those are people actually that probably could just hear what you're saying. If you're like, yep, I could adjust this and make it work. We tend to be drawn to certain people, and I'm sure there's charismatic people out there that are not filled with red flags. Don't want to stereotype, but all the people that come to mind for me that were written with red flags you would never see it because they were likeable. They were people that you wanted to like, they were who you envision yourself with on paper. Yes. And they're good at gaslighting. Yeah. Right? If you bring up an issue, it's not their issue as your issue. Which is a huge deal breaker. It buy opinion. Our issue, you probably made them do it. So then they did it because of you. Ah, yes, pushing the responsibility. I think it all comes down to your own emotional intelligence as well. A lot of times we say that we want someone super intelligent emotionally, but we're not. If we can't have these conversations or we're just assuming that whatever they're saying that we did is actually on us, right? So I think having that growth inside of you is how you could actually start to see people for who they are and look at what's a real red flag versus maybe something that just needs further discussion. Janice, for anyone who is in your position that you are in right before you ended this engagement. They're kind of a few years maybe into this relationship, madly in love, want to make it work, seeing these red flags. What advice would you give to this person? You know, when you said this, I'm just thinking if I were to tell myself back then, you need to choose yourself and step out now because what's trapping you in the relationship is actually not love anymore. I would say it's an attachment. And we always want to help people while we always want to do good. I still believe in the good in people. So I do think that these people want to stay in the relationship to get them to back to a good point. How some relationships sometimes it's like that. You remember all the good you remember you think about the good things in the beginning or how good they could be they were once work, but you're looking at this changed a person or maybe original person that you just discovered, this new person. And you're thinking, I just have to do all these things right to get them back to where they were before. You're not going to because there's no one that can help them more than they can help themselves.

01:00:00 - 01:05:06

And if they're unwilling, you have to choose yourself, walk away. If they come back, only take them back if they've changed. I am just really glad that I was able to walk out of that and I honestly, at the time I was thinking, what have I done with my life? I am in my 30s and I just broke off an engagement and I don't have kids or whatever, like what is my life? What am I going to do, you know? But you're stronger than who you think you are. And you are definitely going to be able to make it. Trust me. I think that's really good for people to hear. You know, I think people, like a lot of times when we stay in bad situations, a lot of it comes down to the fact that we don't think we can do better or we don't think anyone else is out there. It's not really the person at the end of the day. It's our own internal relationship. And then the whole thing was, you know, I was telling you earlier about how when every time if we had a disagreement or he felt like I criticized him or whatever, even if I was not even talking about him, it was a very sensitive person in general. And so I always had to walk on eggshells. So if I said something, he would talk to other girls. And so anyway, later on, I found out after we were engaged that he was talking several girls took them out on dinner on dates, whatever. But what was I supposed to do? I was already engaged at the time. Yeah, I have no idea you guys. I was crying my eyes out. I was crying my eyes out in the office room by myself on the floor, because I didn't have energy. Wow. No, I think that's such good words of wisdom. And I mean, there's so many takeaways from this conversation. I think one that you said Jan is that stuck with me is that, you know, what's a red flag for you might not be for someone else. So some of it is subjective and I think what's more important than the red flag is what boundary can you have in place? And then how do you see how that person reacts to it? So for instance, just thinking of one out loud, but some people would say like, oh, they're not working right now. That's a red flag. Well, are they asking you for money? Maybe that's a boundary. I will not give them money in the first month of knowing them or whatever. Whatever you set or if I don't see progress in them looking for a job, then that will be something that's more of a red flag. I think there's always, it's not black and white. I think we need to stop getting out of this black and white thinking. And even with the real big red flags, like there's a lot out there that, you know, that I love this idea of like, how do we think about it as ones that actually will hurt my well-being and the ability for us to have a relationship? That, I think, is such a good definition because we can reframe these as okay. You know, they got a little triggered the other day. If I bring it up, what's the reaction? Do they keep doing things that are bringing us closer, finding solutions? Try to make it work, trying to make me feel good, all the hallmarks of a relationship, are they doing the exact opposite? I think everything is reason to investigate further without obviously becoming the undercover cop or whoever, on days. I do think what you said is really important to balance it. I know all this is easier said than done, but I loved what you said, Janice. I want to bring this home with my takeaways is listen to what people are saying. Ask clarifying questions, ask follow-ups. And then you know in your gut when something feels off. I think a lot of us just choose to ignore that feeling. So really tune into how am I feeling with this person? Do I think something's a red flag? Because society told me it's a red flag, or is it that I feel like actually that this is like really not going to be good for me long term? Those are two different feelings and we really need to stop throwing around red flags all the time because I really think it actually minimizes the real red flags. That's true. Yes. Because it becomes a judgment call and the judgment call is the easy way out because you can just say, nope, I don't like that. No, you know, and then it's an easier excuse. And I think in this day and age, daters tend to peace out way faster because we are on this hunt and also we think other better options out there waiting for me. Guess what? Every person you meet is going to have some sort of incompatibility with you that either you can work out or you can't. But nobody's going to be this perfect match right off the shelf for you. And we need to get in that mindset of like, we just need to give people more time. And same takeaway as you, Juliet, it's the first step in any sort of dating is observing without judgment, neutral observing, and then taking back what are the events or behaviors that cause me to pause and it made me feel a certain way. Then examine why did you make you feel a certain way, then communicate that to the person you're dating. There's almost like a funnel of events that we skip in early dating because we just want to get into that relationship where we just want that person to like us back. But there is a process that we need to go through. I think the red flags do become deal breakers when, like you said, Janice, when the person's unwilling to walk towards you and to be empathetic to open their minds to something that's different than what they've been thinking.

01:05:07 - 01:10:00

And if they can't open their eyes up to another perspective, then they're not going to open themselves up to a relationship. And that's the ultimate sign of incompatibility. And you can move on from there. And then on the flip side of this is we often hear daters say, I don't see any red flags. This is too good to be true. I'm sure there's something wrong. Why am I not seeing any red flags? This is just too good. Well, for those of you who are in this situation, why you're very lucky. Account your blessings and to stop with the red flag hunt. Stop it. There is no more need to capture the red flag. Really accept the person for how good they are meshing with you. And instead of trying to find something wrong, work on your relationship and work on building an even stronger connection because you already have a great foundation. I actually think the only thing that you need to pay attention to is the whole point of a relationship is that you're a partnership, right? That you two are in this together. If anything that you see as a potential red flag, all you need to ask yourself is, is this getting in the way of us being a thriving partnership? Like, do they have my best interests in mind? Or are they willing to work on whatever it is so we can thrive as a partnership? That is ultimately the only thing that matters. There could be so many red flags of the things that we think are important, like someone has debt. Are they willing to get out of it to preserve us for our future? Like there's all this is all subjective in that way of how much does it come down to the common good of the two of you versus me versus you? That to me is what the deal breaker is when someone's unwilling to look at us collectively as a whole and how their actions impact the relationship. Janice, any inspired words now that we've gone through this whole gamut of this conversation. Some words to the people who are just beginning to date don't rush, never rush anything. Trust is built on consistency. I always use this example. It's kind of like a birdcage, but in the birdcage door is open. So the bird trust that every time it comes back, the door is going to be open for it to go to the home. And the owner or whoever it is with a birdcage also trusts that the bird comes back. So trust is a consistency building kind of thing. It takes time. And so you can't really rush it. And people are rushing to relationship later like, oh, I got ghosted whatever. There's no attachment. There's no trust. And they feel like they can just kind of do whatever they want. Everything's very superficial and surface level. Some people use it as an advantage, right? And then other people, maybe this is a small percentage really are stressed out and they really can't get back to you. Some people have depression can't even get out of bed. I mean, I'm not finding excuses for Casper's over here. But I would just say, well, yeah, there are some reasons. But all in all, I think, trust takes time, so don't rush your dates or dating process and have fun and still be yourself, you're out there to have fun. And be yourself and be open. Don't let these red flag deal breaker things. It's this guy gonna hurt me like all those things, like guard you, then you're not really yourself, and you're not having fun. That a negative energies are gonna still be stuck with you. Yeah, give yourself a chance and give the people that you're dating a chance too. I love that. I'm so glad you brought that up. Trust takes time and consistency takes time and just kind of a word for people not to beat themselves up if later on, something is revealed to you. I would personally still rather give it my all and realize later on that maybe this was actually a deal breaker than just throwing up the red flag sign right away and piecing out because at least it showing that you're capable of having a humid relationship. We know that everyone has red flags. And you can always leave. You could choose yourself. You were saying Janice. If something hits the point where it's not good for you, not good for your relationship, then you know. At least you saw it out. Yes. And at least be brave and cry first. Yes. I love that. Just giving yourself grace because I know so many of us go, why didn't I see that earlier? Why didn't I see that from the beginning? Well, you kind of have to go through with the cycle of the relationship first to see that that was a red flag and learn from it so you don't do it again, but yeah, we need to live and learn first. Going in looking for the red flags versus reframing it to these positive traits and looking for it now is so, so important because it really just changes the whole energy of how you're approaching dating. And it sucks to get hurt again. No one's denying that, but let's not a super good to get hurt before we even got hurt. Wonderful, such an aspiring uplifting conversation about red flags. I never thought we would get here.

01:10:03 - 01:13:08

Never thought we'd hear that sentence ever. Have you seen that SNL skit with Kristen Wiig? It's called red flags, and it's a perfume she wears. She wears a red dress, and she walks through the room. It's like a commercial for red flag perfume. She's like spray, red, flags. And it goes into these different scenarios of how she's just a terrible person, and then it's like red, flags. I need to Google that. Look at that up on YouTube right after this. It's too funny. It's too funny. I love her so much. Okay, we're gonna wrap up this conversation. Thank you so much, Janice. For telling us your story and telling us about what you've learned from your experience and your positive outlook on day to day, we need to hear these things. The positivity is contagious and we need more of it and for all of our listeners, if you like to infuse more positivity into your life, give us a ratings and review in Apple podcasts. That's a very positive platform for us to share positive feedback. Usually 5 stars and something nice. Just, you know, pay it forward with the positivity we truly appreciate it. Thank you, ladies so much for having me. Thank you for being here. Thank you such a great guest. Thank you. So wrapping up this episode, stick. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network, find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media, slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcasts. Tag us in any posts with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those pose. Ben head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There, you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. Hear that. That's the sound of a patient whose health data is protected from a cyberattack. And that, that's the sound of a financial system that's digitally secured from bad actors. Right now, there's an invisible war being fought on a digital battlefield that impacts what we do every day. That's why it periton, we do that can't be done to help protect the vital systems we rely on, because if we don't, the alternative is unimaginable, periton. Karen is the proven expert in addiction treatment, a recent independent study showed that 94% of Karen patients were still in recovery 90 days post treatment visit CAR ON dot org slash real Karen, real results real care real about recovery.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.