Whether you’ve been in a toxic relationship or too many to count, we’re digging into ways to start recognizing patterns so this doesn’t keep happening as we talk to transformation coach Pharoah Kyle
Whether you’ve been in a toxic relationship or too many to count, we’re digging into ways to start recognizing patterns so this doesn’t keep happening as we talk to transformation coach Pharaoh Kyle. We discuss signs that a relationship is toxic, what to do when you’re trapped in a dead-end relationship that isn’t serving you, and how to start to heal/choose better partners for the future.
Follow Pharaoh @pharaoh33 and learn more about Pharaoh's work here: https://www.pharaohkyle.com/
Thank you to our partners for this episode:
One Love Foundation: visit JoinOneLove.org, a national non-profit dedicated to ending relationship abuse, and learn to spot the signs of unhealthy AND healthy relationship behaviors.
BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month of online therapy at betterhelp.com/dateable with the code DATEABLE
S15E9: Resetting After a Toxic Relationship w/ Pharaoh Kyle
00:00:00 - 00:05:16
This episode is brought to you by the one love foundation. Many stories on true crime podcasts start with abusive relationships. The numbers of people affected by relationship abuse are startling. Over one in three women, nearly one in three men and over one in two trans non binary people will be in an abusive relationship in their lifetimes. Abusive relationships rarely start with physical abuse. Instead, there are often red flags like manipulation, isolation, belittling, and volatility. Not all unhealthy relationships become abusive, but all abusive relationships start out as unhealthy ones. One love foundation, a national nonprofit dedicated to ending relationship abuse and creating a world of healthier relationships wants to empower you to see the signs of an unhealthy relationship before things go too far. Go to join one love dot org to see the signs, and know how to help a friend who may be in an unhealthy relationship. That's join one love dot org and learn how to spot the signs of unhealthy and healthy relationship behaviors. The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host UA shoe, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Hi Friends, welcome to a brand new episode of the dateable podcast. We are so happy to have you all back and if you're a brand new listener, welcome. You started in a really good place. Welcome. This is a really good place. I feel like this episode we have been trying to make happen for months. Literally, months. We are so excited to have pharaoh Kyle with us talking about no other than toxic relationships. I feel like that in itself is a hot topic. I think everyone's ears just perked up. Toxic relationships. Sounds familiar. I would go and bet that most of our listeners have encountered a toxic relationship. At one point in their lives, and maybe it's not even in your own dating life, but you've certainly witnessed toxic relationships, maybe in the workforce, with the parents or the family or friends or neighbors, all of that, even if you were not part of a toxic relationship, it all compounds its influence on you and how you view relationships. So this is why this episode is important for anybody who's ever opened their eyes up to relationships. You know, but we started the conversation. I was like, you know, I don't think I've been in that many toxic relationships. Maybe a situation, Friends with benefits, but not a relationship. But as we were talking with him about the definition, it made me be like, okay, actually maybe I have been in a toxic relationship. And I think like the whole aspect of not basically someone not being able to meet you where you are and realizing that this is kind of a dead end situation by definition, you know, obviously there's a clear range of what a toxic relationship could mean and we definitely don't want to discount something that stems on the side of physical and verbal abuse. That's definitely at the top side of a toxic relationship, but when we open the definition up, it really was anything that wasn't me that your needs. Eddie thing that felt like you were kind of pushing when the other person was pulling. That is eye opening to me that looking back on it that way, you can say actually my needs weren't getting met. And I wasn't in the right type of relationship. This brings up this thought I had over the weekend and it's about time travel, but stay with me. It is relevant to this. If your future self was able to time travel back to the present day and said, Julie, your relationship now is going to end up toxic. What would you do if your future self came back to warn you? Well, I would probably ask in what way, and want to know more information before doing anything because clearly there's some situations where it's just a toxic person that's infiltrating that there's really not much you can do outside of just choose better and not be with that type of person, but sometimes toxic situations it takes two to go said wanted know like what is it that's making it toxic? And is this something that I could come out of with working with a partner or not? That would probably be the info I'd need, but if it was like a pure definition of toxic in the sense that the other person was unwilling to work with you essentially, then I would probably cut bait because I feel like I've wasted too much time in my life being in situations that didn't serve me and I think that's so important in finding your personal ultimately is putting yourself first a little with this and looking at how am I contributing how am I showing up for that? What would you do? I think I would lean in even more into that relationship.
00:05:17 - 00:10:10
I mean, you really just have two choices. One is lean in and the other one's lean out and start looking for your next person. Quiet quit that relationship. But I think I would lean in more because I want to know if this relationship ends up toxic. Is it in my control? Did I contribute to it? Like you were saying. And also, what am I going to learn from this? So I think it would make me more cautious of everything that's going on in the relationship and more intentional about my actions moving forward. I actually think it would help my current relationship. I could see that. Again, it's hard because it's just like, what is the range of toxicity that we're talking here? Yeah. I think that really is the crux of why I would either cut bait or lean in and that's like hard to know in this hypothetical without knowing the situation. Yeah. And maybe your future self only had two seconds to come and warn you and then they disappear and they can't answer any clarifying questions, but now you're equipped with this information and it's up to you how you act upon it. I often think about that. If you get a new piece of information that could change the course of your relationship, how would you act upon it? Well, that's why it's kind of nice not knowing that information because, you know, even if we been in toxic situations, the hope here with this episode and just bringing the topic to light in general is not to continue down the path of war toxic relationships. But using it as a time to stop and reflect in not keep repeating the same patterns. And looking back at what I would now describe as my toxic relationship, even though at the time I didn't feel that way. You didn't think so. Is that it's set me up for current day, you know? Like there were situations in the sense that I wasn't getting what I wanted from the relationship and it made me pass on people that were kind of that same up and down. The roller coaster type relationship, like that wasn't appealing to me anymore. And I think if I haven't gone through something like that, then I maybe wouldn't have known. And I would have wouldn't have been able to hone in on that person with qualities that actually don't make a toxic relationship. So I feel like you do learn from everything and for that I wouldn't want to skip to the end. That's right. I mean, you have to learn as a kid why you don't cross the street when there's traffic. If someone just told you hypothetically, you're not going to really experience it. We all do things by experiencing and then we learn by going through it, right? So it makes sense that in hindsight you can say it was a toxic relationship, but while you're going through it, you don't know yet. There's no vocabulary around what you're feeling yet. But when you do get into a toxic relationship and you want to get out, what is the opposite of it, you detox, and this is how I'm going to transition into your upcoming vacation, Julie, because I'm so I'm so looking forward to living vicariously through you that I took a long shower before this recording and I'm legit in a bathrobe because I just wanted to melt into this conversation. I needed to detox. So I'm so excited for you to go on vacation. I am also. I, if it's such a deed of a detox, I can't even explain it. So for all our listeners, I am headed to Hawaii. For 6 days. So it's not like super long, but you know close to a week, which is really nice. And it's the first real big trip I've done with my partner. We've gone to weekend trips, but it's only been like a night, or we've gone away a couple nights. We went to Austin for a wedding, but that doesn't really count. And we were also staying with my best friend. So I feel like this is like the first substantial trip we've taken. That's for pure joy. Like no reason for us going outside of just wanting to vacation. So very much looking forward to it can not wait to just be at a beach, be it a pool in nice weather. That's all I want. And you chose kuat Kauai, right? Yep, Kauai. Yes. Kawhi Kawhi. Yes, yes. You just drink the water and you get drunk. It's great. Exactly. That's the best eyelid. So what made you choose Kauai? You know, I've only been to Kauai one time, and it was back in the day, probably no one will believe this, but I used to be quite the half marathon runner, and I did a half marathon with team and training, which raises money for leukemia, lymphoma, society. I did the Nike women's half marathon San Francisco and I did really well in fundraising because the company I worked with match donations and the person on my team, like the lead had leukemia himself, so he donated a ton of money.
00:10:10 - 00:15:01
So anyways, they were basically like, if you raise $600 more, which was like 300 because of the match, you could go to Hawaii. So I went to Kauai with that trip with that organization. But I mean, it wasn't like a trip I planned and you know I was running a race during it. So it was one of the islands that we both hadn't really visited on a trip outside of this that doesn't really count. And you know, I do remember though when I was there, it was just the natural beauty of that specific island was incredible. So, you know, when I went to I went to Maui was the last vacation I ever took in 2017, which is insane. But it's always for something, right? And it's funny because I went with my best friend in her front and moved there. She's like, guys, it's Maui midday. And it was like dyed p.m. and I remember from Kauai. It's shut down at like 6 p.m.. So it's gonna be even. You know, it's like Oahu is like the happening island in the Maui's kind of in the middle, but we're going, you know, we're going ARP. Exactly, exactly, so definitely looking forward to a detox. That's for damn sure. What's like the one thing you're most looking forward to of the list that you just gave us? You know, we found a well, I mean, it's like a very well-known hike. I'm like, we found a hike. It's like the most. It's like the most beautiful hike in the U.S.. It was a secret. But in the Nepali coast, we booked the shuttle for that yesterday. And really looking forward to that in hanalei bay is on the north shore, so you go there first, then you get on the shuttle that we're going to go back and spend the day there. So yeah, I think that's probably that day specifically I'm looking forward to, but honestly, all of it, even just like doing nothing when we first arrive and sitting out there is going to be incredible can not wait. It's like the moment before going to the airport, you just go, yeah. This is happening. We're going. Yep. We are doing it. We're doing it. But you know, I think couples trips are, I'm not like nervous, 'cause we've been together a year and a half, and I feel like, you know, maybe we would have taken a trip earlier if it wasn't for COVID too. I think that was definitely changed the whole trajectory of timelines for us a lot. But it's still like a step, right? It's still like something that's like, maybe not a step, isn't the right word, but it's definitely, you know, that part of your relationship, like we took a big trip together. Yeah. That feels kind of nice. You're creating new experiences together, which brings you closer and intensifies the relationship. So it's still a major step in any relationship. We just hit our year and a half at over the weekend. We're trying to remember every month. What's the one thing that kind of like stood out everywhere? And there's been a lot, which is good. I had a party this weekend for fleet week, and I did invite you a significant other. I forwarded it to him. Feel free to go. You know, no one could see the blue angels anyways. Every year at San Francisco, there's like an air show for the blue angels that I think that's everywhere, but it's like a big thing here because it's just an excuse for people to party pretty much. And people go out to the rooftops. Why are we doing this? Yeah, it's cool, but it's like 15 minutes. It's kind of military if used to, which I'm mixed on. But it's still fun. It's something that's always been part of SF culture and yeah, we had a party this year. I'm bringing this back because what are my Friends is like, you guys do so much. And I'm like, this is definitely the Instagram versus reality trap, right? She's like, you guys do some of the activities that you're always out and about doing stuff. I'm like, are we like, we go out like maybe once a week, do something, but still nice to hear. But anyways, it was so foggy you could not see a thing. Oh no. You heard them. Oh, that's kind of creepy, actually. It's like you heard them coming right over your head, but then you couldn't see them because of the fog shit. Yeah, I'm kind of bringing this full circle, but one of our friends that actually introduce you a and I we were talking about it. She came to the party and she was like, still the best match I ever made because she was formally a batch maker. But she was talking about, you know, like a really toxic relationship that she had been through recently. And, you know, obviously you don't wish that upon anyone in any way, but I feel like the amount of maturity and growth, like I saw within her. You know, we talk about this in this episode too. It's like sometimes you do have to kind of be in that situation that makes you question things. And really start to evaluate what is it that you want and who you're going to become.
00:15:02 - 00:20:01
Yeah. It's such a growth opportunity if you choose to see it that way. And I know some of us try to envy other people who externally we feel like I wish I had their life. They have is so easy. Things just get handed to them. And they don't have to work that hard to be in a relationship at all. Well, guess what? Nobody is in an easy relationship. And nobody's having an easy time dating, but we're all building character along the way. So the grass is not greener, and if your grass is not that green and you acknowledge that, you're learning from it, your grass is still growing. As long as you're not stepping on your grass and killing your grass, your grass is still growing. And that's what matters. So next heavier to toxic relationship just for remember your grass is still growing. That's all you need to remember. It doesn't even be green. So this is still alive. It could be yellow, no big deal. No big deal. Yellow's pretty. Yeah, it is funny, though, because my other friend that came to the party, I was like, I have an episode for you. You got to listen to this. This episode and I'm like, I don't know why I just like when I was listed to it back. I'm like, I feel like she's gonna just really get a lot out of this. It's just where she is in her current life. And I looked at pharaohs Instagram, the only three people I had a Cobb had following him was U UA. Our data account and then her ironic. I'm like, oh, the person I told you about, you're already following. She's like, I feel like you know me really well. And it's creepy. Well, you know, I feel like we could talk all day, but there's just so much good to get into, so we'll let it go from there. But announcements before we get into it with pharaoh, 22 day dating app challenge. Sponsors are going quickly. We are well underway, we're about to hit, you know, we're gonna be closer closer to Halloween and that is also the end of registration, but also the start of the busy season. Sounds like taxes, right? Like the busy season, busy season of dating. Call us your dating accountants. That should be our new tagline. So basically from October to November, it's a huge rush on the data gaps because I think everyone wants to go home and tell their family that they have a new person at their life. Even if it's only a couple dates, right? Right around Thanksgiving. We got to come in hot. So anyways, if you want to make the most of the season, visit finding your person dot com slash apps and sign up for the 22 day dating app challenge and we'll also be reviewing your profile. So honestly, it's just a win win situation. Get on board. Whoo. Okay. Before we get into it, let's hear our message from our sponsors. This episode is brought to you by the one love foundation. The numbers of people affected by relationship abuse are startling. Abusive relationships rarely start with physical abuse. Instead, they're often bred flags, like manipulation, isolation, belittling, and volatility. Do you know the signs? One law foundation, a national nonprofit dedicated to ending relationship abuse, empowers you to see the signs of an unhealthy relationship before things go too far. Visit join one love dot org and learn to spot the signs of unhealthy and healthy relationship behaviors. Now a word from our sponsor, better help. How does it feel to dwell and ruminate on something that seems like it has no end in sight? Not a good feeling, right? And personally, I've been there time and time again. Having a hard time guiding myself out. And now looking back on those times, what I really needed was someone to guide me with tools in a thought process to move forward, instead of staying in a cycle. When you learn how to find your own solutions, there's no better feeling. A therapist can help you become a better problem solver, making it easier to accomplish your goals, no matter how big or small my better help therapists helps guide me through frameworks of problem solving, which I love because I would much rather someone lead me to the answers than just tell me what to do. It has been so healing to speak with someone who genuinely cares about my well-being and I feel like I'm in good hands with a professional. If you're thinking of giving therapy a try, better help is a great convenient, accessible, and affordable option that's entirely online. You just fill out a brief survey and you'll be matched with a therapist. When you want to be a better problem solver, therapy can get you there. Visit better help dot com slash dateable today to get 10% off your first month. That's better HELP dot com. Okay, let's hear it from pharaoh. Who do we have with us today? We've got farrow, Kyle. He lives in LA originally from Chicago in his 30s in an open relationship. He's a spiritual coach entrepreneur and energy healer, his YouTube Instagram webinars are all about how to build great relationships with yourself and others.
00:20:02 - 00:25:00
Welcome to dateable pharaoh. Welcome. Hello, hello. We are so excited to have you. And as we mentioned, we really want to hit on this topic of resetting after toxic relationship. But let's just go from there, what are some signs that a relationship is toxic? When we think of toxicity, right? Let's just think about it as far as with our health. If we put something into our body that's toxic, it's something that literally makes us sick. It's something that starts to kill us. It's something that robbed us of our energy of our life force. Now, when we think of a toxic relationship, it does something very, very similar. It robs us of our life force of our identity of our energy. It robs us of the feeling that we are abundant that we are vibrant. And it literally starts to wear us down. It can be mentally, it can be emotionally, but the toxicity is literally wearing us down. I love that definition because I think we think of abuse as toxic relationships. And of course, that is a toxic relationship. And I think what I'm hearing from you is it extends way further. Yes. If you're the one that's putting in all the energy and you're not getting anything back or you're in an undefined situation and you really desire more. What are some other ways like toxic relationships can show up? Let's talk about day to day in the relationship if in the relationship you feel disempowered and disempowered can be a lot of things you can literally feel like you have no say so in the relationship. You know your voice isn't heard. It also can be that the things that you want are desire, the other person doesn't care about those things. So it literally is wrapping you of your identity of who you are and it's not just romantic relationships, I have a lot of claims right now who are relationships with parents. And this literally keeping them in a cycle where they can't achieve or reach their highest potential because that negative relationship that toxicity is literally robbing them of their joy. And then you just feel deflated. You feel like the energy sucked out of you. I feel like these are some of the phrases I've used to describe the previous toxic relationships and friendships I've been in, but why do people enter and stay in toxic relationships? This is one of my favorite questions because it doesn't make sense, right? No. So many people they're in the toxic relationship and they realize, I don't like this. It doesn't feel good. And when they finally exit the relationship, they swear to themselves, I will never get a relationship like that again and a lot of people find themselves in a similar situation just with a different person and really what it is is, you know, as children were born to this world and we're looking for validation. We're looking for love and we don't understand or know what that looks like. Yes. So we start to look at everything around us, whether it's our parents, how their relationship is, our caregivers, our grandparents, whoever that is. And in the name of love, we're looking to see what does love look like. Because our parents may say that they love us, but we see them yell at us. Or our parents say they love each other, and we see them be abusive. And in our mind, we're like, okay, well, they love each other and this is how they act. Now, as children, we grow up and we may say, you know, I don't like yelling. It doesn't make me feel good. But that's the conscious mind in the conscious mind is only controlling about 10% of our life, but we think that the conscious mind is everything because when we make a decision it's our conscious mind. Well, 90% of our life is dictated by the subconscious. So if we made a decision early on, even if we don't remember, it could have been a decision at three years old, four years old. This is what love looks like. It becomes a memory that gets large enough to our subconscious and our body is designed to help us be able to survive and 9 times out of ten, it feels the most comfortable with something similar because it knows that it can survive that. Versus if you get something you've never experienced before, your body doesn't know what the reality of that is, so it is programmed as not safe. So consciously we may be saying, I don't want a relationship like this, but 90% of our reality, the subconscious is trying to recreate the definition of what we said, love is or whatever that thing is. So until we're able to go into our subconscious and change their programming, we will continuously get the same thing over and over. But here's the thing. Most people don't know what their program of love is. Their program of relationship. Their program of success or money or any of those things. So they end up going in circles or cycles. That is so fascinating. I'm like thinking back in your rights, so many people don't even have the awareness to even know where to start. But I remember talking to a friend of mine and she could trace it back to she was the younger of three brothers significant age gap and she was always fighting for their attention.
00:25:01 - 00:30:02
So therefore, in her adult life, she's always fought for the attention of men. She's dated. And she could tie it back, but she couldn't get out of this cycle. And I definitely like looking back even now in my current relationship, which I feel like is much healthier than the past. I'm like, oh, I was in toxic relationships and I didn't even realize it. Like, how do you start to even get the awareness or have the recognition of your patterns, but do something about how this affects your future relationships? Well, here's the thing. Most people don't become aware of their pattern until they've gone through so much suffering so much pain where they then cry out to the universe or God or whatever their faith is and they say, I can't take this anymore. I need something different. I need a change. And the sad thing about, you know, most humans right now is that most people do not change or put the effort to change until they've gone through so much suffering. But once they've identified the pattern, then you know what I recommend is to literally reach out for help. Somebody, some type of support system, whether it's a coach, a guy, a therapist, somebody who literally can give you a helping hand to help you see what you can not see, because we can identify and see the pain, but no one can see their blind spots. And what I tell people all the time is, if you are going to start a job and you've never worked that job before, what's the first thing that happens? They train you. They help you understand what it takes to become successful in that position or in their job. Well, most people have never been trained or taught how to have a successful relationship. So why in the world do we feel like we can just without ever being sat down, hey, this is how you have good communication. This is how you create a safe space for each other without being taught those things. We feel like, hey, we should just know how to do it and then get it right. It literally is a recipe for failure. And once that happens, the frustration sets in, we feel bad about ourselves and it ends up being this cycle where we literally can not escape because we don't feel like we can really have that success. I mean, we hear that all the time. It's a cycle. You break out of one, and then you feel like, why am I repeating these patterns again? Or is it me? Is there something wrong with me? I'm attracting this type of person and on the flip side of this pharaoh I'm going to ask you is you can also have a toxic relationship with yourself too, right? Yes. A 100% and that's why a good coach or anybody if you're doing this on your own or if you're going through YouTube university and just watching videos, the first recipe for successful relationship is a successful relationship with yourself. And it's going to take massive responsibility. It's going to take you being able to look at your shadow. And when I say shadow, what is your shadow? Those are those parts of yourself that you may not feel comfortable about. You may not be proud about. It's those parts of yourself that you feel like aren't your best self. Well, a lot of times people, they preach or they teach to, you know, get rid of your shadow or to go and kill your ego. But what I really believe is about integrating and transmuting is about loving those parts of yourself that may be failures in so much where you can extract the lesson from it. Then you can look at it with appreciation and at that point, you can transmute that failure or whatever into a positive. So it all starts with the relationship with yourself. And when we talk about the toxic relationship with yourself, it's about loving yourself and those avenues and appreciating them. And then you can start attracting people who can appreciate all of you. But let's look at this. When we talk about the law of attraction, you're going to attract what you are and what you're being. So if you love 65% of yourself and reject the other what would that be 35% of yourself? You're going to attract people who can love 65% of you, but they're going to talk about put you down, talk about how that part of you is not good and you're going to end up feeling not loved or not accepted in a relationship. So you have to accept you first. I think that's the only benefit of toxic relationship. Similar to what you said, pharaoh, it's like sometimes you have to get to a breaking point to realize that something needs to change. I know I went to therapy after the toxic relationship. And we've talked to people like therapists, there's a lot of the times that people come is for someone else because of something that happened in relationships, but then it goes down to themselves, which ends up being the focus. I think a lot of it comes from this feeling of not feeling worthy or loved and lovable. And I think especially with toxic relationships, there tends to be highs that go with them. It's not all bad or no one would stay in it at all. There is the highs and the lows. How do you start to kind of what you were saying earlier is like sometimes it's like scary when you see something different. Like how do you start to appreciate when things are more even keels in there aren't those extreme highs that validate you? The first thing is desire. You know, you literally have to have the desire and clarity. I'll put those two together. The desire to have something better, which most people are going to say, hey, I want a better relationship. And then the clarity on exactly what you want.
00:30:02 - 00:35:01
You'll be surprised how many people I sit down with and I ask them, okay, what are your values? What do you literally want to build this relationship on? What is important to you in a relationship that now can be the standard where anything below that is not okay. So you won't accept it. A lot of people don't know. They've never literally sat down to figure it out and it's hard actually I would say it's impossible to literally get to your destination if you don't know where you're going. Right. You're just going to keep going in circles. So to get clear on exactly what you want and then become that. One thing at a time. When we think of healing ourselves, sometimes it's overwhelming because we're like, oh, there's so much I need to work on. But if you say, hey, I want a relationship that is loving and trusting. And where they're able to commit to me. So it has commitment. You have to become that first. So I tell people, I say, what are some of your goals? And they'll say, hey, I want to get up in the morning at 6 o'clock every day. I want to meditate every day, whatever those things are. And then I ask them, okay, so when you make this commitment to yourselves, how often do you not do it and you let yourself down? Well, you know, things come up and I have to cancel or I'm not able to well, what you're doing is you're showing the universe that I can't kick my own commitments. So guess what you're sent, a person who can't commit. So again, starting off, you're going to focus on the things that you want and you're going to focus on becoming them. So for me, I'll give you an example. I used to be the most impatient person ever, because I was one of those business people who was like, hey, we got to get it done. We have deadlines. That's me. It is. What I realized is I wanted a relationship when I wrote where I feel supported. And I feel like I can support my partner. But one of the things that I need that translates to support is patient because I have goals and have dreams and ambition, but it's going to take time to get there. And I am going to mess up. So I'm going to need patient. So I realized I'm not very patient. So I focused on patients. So in traffic, you know, if there was somebody who needed to get over, I said, I'm going to always let them over. You know, I'm going to be considerate and do these different things. And I said, I'm not going to know that I'm patient until I start hearing people say, hey, you're patient because I heard the opposite all the time. You're so impatient. So it took about a year, a year and a half. I was doing something and somebody was like, wow, you're so patient, you're one of the most patient men that I've ever met. And then I started hearing that. Now start to realize I was becoming what I wanted in a relationship and that was needed first so then I can attract that. Outside of that, we're literally asking God to send us this amazing person. We're not that. So I ask people, I say, hey, listen, if you're praying for this person, this patient and trusting and loving and all these things if they are that guess what they're praying for. The same thing. Right. And if you are not being that, why would you be sent to them when you're not the prayer that they're praying for? Yeah, we always say that, become the person you want to date. That's the key to everything. That makes so much sense. I like where we're headed here because here's a question. You only know what you know, so if you only experience toxic behaviors and relationships in your past, especially in your upbringing, how do you gain clarity on what it is you're looking for in a relationship and what you're getting at here, pharaoh is first step is looking at yourself and saying, who is the person you want to become first before getting that clarity on what you're looking for in a relationship? Is that what we're talking about here? For sure. And you said something that is very important. A lot of people, they've never seen or had an example of what they want, but what I tell people is start with because a lot of times just like you said, you don't know what you don't know. So you don't even necessarily know what you can actually attract or have because you've never seen it, but start with your emotions. How do you want to feel every day? I like to ask people, what are the three top emotions you want to feel every day? It may be joy, maybe empowerment, it may be support. Okay, now you start there and then you start with those emotions and that will give you the guiding light to figure out what you actually need. If you want empowerment in a relationship, then you need someone who literally is going to be able to affirm you. You know, someone who's going to uplift you. Somebody who is motivational. And once you start understanding those emotions, you want to feel, it'll be very easy for you to create the list of what you're actually looking for. You said something interesting before about, if you only like 65% of yourself, you're going to find someone that like 65% of you. Do you think that that is coming from attracting someone that maybe has stuff they need to work on themselves or is it more that you see the 35% because that's what your focused on that you don't fully love about yourself? This is an interesting question because a lot of people kind of get it mixed up in the sense of they're like, well, I always have something to work on and it's not about that. It's about embracing all of you. In realizing that it's a journey. So, you know, it may be 35% of yourself where you're like, hey, I'm still working on these things, but I am content and happy and I embrace all of me in who I am and I know that I'll continuously get better. And then you'll be able to track somebody who is literally the same.
00:35:02 - 00:40:01
They're like, hey, I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. But I want to do life with you in support you as you continue to grow and vice versa. There is just so much joy and passion when you talk about this pharaoh that it makes me wonder, I'm going to take a step back and ask you what happened in your personal life that inspired you to be on this journey to helping people bettering their relationships. You know, so so interesting because my quest didn't necessarily start with relationship. If you know my story or anybody who's following me, you'll see that, you know, at the age of 29, 30, I went through a bad breakup, and then that breakup caused me to look internally. It was the first time in a relationship where I couldn't fix it. Nothing that I said, I couldn't like get her back and it made me realize there's something that is wrong with me. There's something that I need to fix because the result of the breakup is something that I did. So it caused me to go on the spiritual journey and travel the world, go to different spiritual temples and all these things looking and trying to figure out how to heal and how to become a better version of myself. But it really starts before then because my whole life I was searching for love and I don't know how much you all believe in zodiac signs. But it's very interesting. A lot of times, you know, women especially are like, how can you understand or connect on emotional level, a lot of guys can't do that? Well, my zodiac sign, I'm a Pisces, and Pisces is like the sign of brotherly love. They just want to love. Their theme would be, can we all just get along? And then my moon sign is Scorpio, which has to deal with the deeper emotions, the depths of emotions. So my whole life, I was a young man, but I was emotional. I felt everything. And I was homeschooled so I lived with my mother and my sisters, and, you know, as they would feel different emotions and talk about them. I knew how they felt and I can relate to them. But the thing was, I had this whole of pain because I didn't live with my real father. I wasn't allowed to have a relationship with him. And I was a young man who literally just wanted to love my father. And I didn't understand why he wasn't in my life. And growing up, I felt all of these emotions, but it got to this point where I couldn't cry anymore because, you know, I was getting older and my mom was like, you know, you need to be a man and you just need to accept it. But those emotions I still felt them. So growing up as I started getting older and started getting a relationship, it would be deep emotions that I wanted to talk about and it would be only in the context of relationship with a woman where I felt understood. None of my homeboys, none of them ever wanted to talk about emotions. But for me, the emotions were driving force in my decision making process. Even my drive for success was wanting to prove that I was worthy or that I was worth attention or should be validated. So I said, hey, I need to be super successful so people will pay attention to me. But guess what? That's coming from unmet emotions. So my whole life I was trying to figure out why do I feel these things and where is it coming from? And the broken relationship that I went through, it brought everything to the surface and made me realize I need to deal with the things that I was feeling internally and that is really what brought my quest together and made me realize that there's a lot of people. I would say the majority of people on the planet have emotions that they don't know how to deal with them so they put them to the side and those emotions are I like to say energy and emotion. They never go anywhere. There's just buried, but during the times of stress during the times of challenge, they will explode and come out, but we don't have a lot of resources on the planet. People who literally understand emotions to a deep level to help people make peace with them and then be able to direct them into manifestation and the things they actually desire. Do you think that's the root of it then that the reason why people are going for a relationships that aren't serving them is that they can't manage their emotions and understand what they really need. Of course. Yes, for sure. And I also, let's take it deeper. When we think of all the problems on the planet, I believe it's all emotional. Let's think of hatred, let's think of narcissism. You know, narcissist those people at one time, they wanted love. They want a connection. They wanted something. They weren't able to get it. So a lot of them turned off their emotions into decided that they are going to take and get what they need from others at the other person's expense, right? Even when we think of how a lot of corporations are literally utilizing slave labor or not paying people in other countries and it's why, because the people running those companies feel like their desires, their emotional needs, what they want are more important in this better for them to do whatever it takes to be up here, even if they have to rock and have other people down below. It's all some type of emotional level that then dictates our thoughts on the world on society and on ourselves. I like that we just took it a level up. It's like yikes. The whole world is emotions, yes. Yeah, I'm thinking about school shootings, violence that it's all based in emotions. We're not acting out of rationality there.
00:40:01 - 00:45:07
On that topic, so I'm thinking of the narcissist example. I could hear people say, okay, does that mean I should try to understand what's wrong with them and what their deep rooted childhood issues are or is that up to them to make that change to find their own kind of emotional security and understanding with their emotions? Yeah, thank you for asking that question. Who's taking responsibility here? Right. I could see people thinking both. And this is a really big question, right? It's a really big question because yes, it's the individual's responsibility to do the work to heal themselves, emotionally. And we do have a responsibility to try to extend a helping hand and to try to help. But and the reason why I said this is a big question because in the context of relationship, a lot of women, especially are like, hey, you know, he had a really rough childhood. Yes. Yes. Or he didn't receive love from his mom. So, you know, he really needs me. And we can't let the empathy of our heart allow us to be killed per se in the process. We were so loving and trying to help them that were literally disconnecting from self love and allowing ourselves to be abused. Yeah, I think that is the root of why a lot of people stay in toxic relationships too. It's like this feeling that I can fix this person. I can help them and I think a lot of empaths, especially tend to get drawn to these because like the positive of having such a big open heart, but then the negative being like you're sacrificing yourself in the process. It goes really deep because, you know, for the last 2000 years, we've been in an energy and age of they call it the piscean age. And it's literally the age of the savior. You know, I need to help. I need to save this person even at the detriment of me sacrificing myself, right? And now we're moving into another age. It's called the age of Aquarius, which is an age where it's about knowledge. It's about information. And it's about you realizing it's your job to save yourself. We can not be our best self and help anyone until we've gotten to the point where we've literally saved ourselves and we've created a life with the things that we actually need. I only at that point can we give the overflow, but a lot of people are trying to give out a half empty cups and they don't have the complete strength, the complete clarity to actually help anyone. So both people are actually suffering. So with that, here's a hard question possibly is at what point do you carry out your role as a supporting loving partner and help your partner through whatever it is you're going through versus at what point is it too much? You're sacrificing too much of yourself for the sake of this relationship. Where do you draw the line? I think this question is kind of complex. It's pretty situational, but I'm going to answer the question. But the reason I say a situational is because people attract relationships in different stages of their journey. For example, it depends on if you start at the relationship and you all were on the same page and it was an even relationship where they're building you up, you're building them up and you start off loving. And then they go through something, right? But they have the desire to grow and learn, steal their struggling. So that's a different situation. Yes, you should be there to support and you'll probably put a little bit more effort because you know the context of the relationship started off in a supportive relationship. But that's different than there's people who got in relationships just because they don't want to be by themselves. They don't want to be alone and it started off where she was doing everything for him and he was using her from the beginning and once you start to wake up and realize like, hey, I deserve something better and that partner has never contributed anything to you. The master situation where you know you should be leaving and being ready to leave faster than the first relationship. Does it make sense? Yes. I think a big difference. I'm just for my own personal experience. I think a big difference is when you stop putting your needs first because there's always going to be something that someone's going through. That's inevitable. What the range of it is, obviously, ranges dramatically, but I think the times when I feel like maybe I was in more of a toxic relationship was when I was sacrificing my own needs. And almost losing yourself a bit and being like, well, this person is going through this. I need to hold back or not say what I'm thinking versus, okay, they're going through this. I'm going to still support them. But I also am not going to hold back anything that I need in my relationship. And if it can't get met, then I'll have to evaluate if this is the right relationship for me. A 100%. I agree a 100%. I just don't want people listening to this and getting into the what I call the WebMD diagnosis of their relationship. They're like, I'm in a toxic relationship. I think because people are very sometimes were like, okay, I'm gonna peace out because things are hard. Relationships are hard. There is a reason to stay in them, but also we got to recognize when it is toxic and we're putting their needs before ours. I agree. Yeah, toxic gets thrown around a lot. I mean, I think I love the definition you gave. I think that's a really good one. I think any type of dating doesn't go someone's way everyone's like, I was in a toxic relationship and it's like, yeah, there might be signs of this, but a lot of it does come from within.
00:45:07 - 00:50:03
So I think it is that balance, and if your needs aren't getting met, do you have the right skills from your own development to have the conversations? And that's what you think, not them thing. And if they're still not being met after that, then you can say that this isn't the right relationship. And I think a lot of people forget that a successful relationship is built. Everyone wants to find a good one. Yes. Yes. Yes. You have to build it. And in the building process, just like you said, there's work. A lot of work. And you know, sometimes in order to get to the next level, there's going to be the standstill where you literally are working back and forth getting clarity getting on the same page. But if you two are aligned and determined to make it work in both partners are putting in effort, then there ends up being this breaking point which is the door opening of the breakthrough where you get to then go to the next level. So I think that it is very important in the people listening to know that both partners should be putting forth effort to first develop and heal and work on themselves and then come together with the goal in mind of the relationship and putting the work and effort to move forward in the relationship. That's like the number one bullet is effort. Are both people putting in the effort because I know looking back on the relationships I define as toxic. I was the one putting in the effort. It feels one sided, but when two people, my current partner, one of the things that I love about him is he's always there to meet me. We might not always agree on everything. We might not always be a 100% on the same page, but he always wants to make it work. Do what it takes to make it work. And I think if both people are doing that, that's a sign that's not toxic versus your basically extending yourself or someone that's not reciprocating. And I think what makes a toxic relationship is that people might say they want to work on things, the intent is there, but the needle is not moved. So let's say you get out of a bad toxic relationship. And it's time for a reset. How do you feel about this reset? What should people be doing? Should they be taking a dating sabbatical? Yes. 100%. What does that look like? First of all, if you've gone through a toxic relationship, that energy literally has been your life for whatever amount of time you could have been going through it for the last three years. That energy is in and around you. So a lot of people then want to date and get another partner. But guess what energy is around you that you're attracting people from that energy of toxicity. So you literally need time to reset. I like to give the example of social media because everyone knows about Instagram, right? If you're scrolling on your page and you have the same type of feed all the time. We'll say, for example, you suddenly get into food pages and you start clicking on food pages. What happens is when you reset the algorithm is now going to send you what you wanted. But you literally have to change your action, right? I like that. So it's the same thing. So you literally need time to understand what you want to understand what you were doing to attract that in the first place and have time to change your actions so that algorithm of dating changes and now you can be sent what you want. And even me, for men, it's important too, because a lot of men don't like the idea of being celibate or going celibate, right? I think that it's important for you to have a physical, spiritual, emotional break. So you literally can become and get into your own energy again because only when we are connected to ourselves, can we understand or realize what we need? Before that, toxicity, breed, confusion. So if you're confused, how are you going to know what you need? So taking a break is very, very important. I think the best thing I ever did for my dating life was take a year break from dating. I realized there was always someone lingering, whether it was like a Friends of benefits or just being on a string of dates that your energy was so focused on other people. And I also realized even outside of dating, I was just going out all the time and not being alone in my thoughts to really get to know yourselves. So I do think taking the break allows you to get to who am I and what we're kind of talking about at the beginning part of this. You have to become that person in order to attract what you're looking for. I agree, and it's important to spend time with yourself because even though people are like, oh, I'm going out, I'm having fun. Really, the source of that is you want to be around other people. You want someone else's attention. You want to share in someone else's energy and a lot of people don't feel comfortable being in their own energy and spending time with themselves. But we want someone else to spend time with us. It's like, love yourself enough to spend time with yourself so you can understand what you need. Give it to yourself and now the standard that you're imprinting into the universe is my need deserve to be met. Why? Because if no one else does, I love myself enough to meet them and I'm happy with that. We've definitely seen people before at date what we call it master dating.
00:50:04 - 00:55:06
That's our term for dating yourself. But we've seen people bend over backwards for someone that isn't giving them what they really need to have a date on a Friday night versus if you're secure in yourself, you're like, oh, this person isn't actually adding value to my life and meeting me where I am, so you're okay just spending the night yourself. So I think that does shift your energy to being open to things that are going to bring you up versus just anything. I love that. Okay, I like the shift to yourself because when some people think of dating sabbaticals, they think about going on some crazy vacation and having a wild time somewhere distractions. But you're saying, be alone with yourself, be alone with your thoughts, figure out your needs. What are some other ways people can make the sabbatical a productive one? Is interesting because there's different types of trips, right? There is the trip where I'm going to go and I'm going to have fun and I'm going to party. But then there's also the trip that a lot of people may say is a spiritual trip or say like a yoga retreat or things like that because those things are designed. Yes, there will be other people there, but it's designed to give you time with yourself in a different environment because a lot of times different environments pull out different aspects of ourselves. So I'm all for, you know, taking a solo trip to Sedona for a weekend, being in a different environment, but it's by yourself, or maybe a yoga retreat or things where it's designed for you to be able to spend time with yourself. And then another thing which is powerful is to try new things and be comfortable with doing them alone. For example, before I went to the breakup and I was like 30 years old, I didn't even know how like hiking. I love hiking now. I didn't know how like hiking. I didn't know that I liked nature. After that I would go to the park and just read. And it ended up being one of the most peaceful things that I incorporated into my life. I didn't know that I liked meditation, you know? So it's a lot of things that I didn't know that I liked, but I said, hey, listen, now is the time for me to explore and try things differently by myself so I can be alone with my own thoughts. So I'm all for you exploring and trying things, but in a way where you're still connected with yourself and not trying to distract yourself. Let's hold that thought for a quick message. This episode is brought to you by drizzly, community is always worth celebrating the same goes for the businesses born within them, and with drizzly, the number one app for alcohol delivery, you can find the biggest selection of black owned and women owned beer, wine and spirits brands. Then give them delivered in under 60 minutes. Now you can sip with purpose and explore brands that are shifting it in industry while amplifying voices often left unheard. Find your new favorite drinks while supporting the diverse stories that make them great, make your memorable moments even more meaningful by choosing brands with intention, show your support and raise a glass to the spirit of representation and belonging all while discovering incredible drinks with stories worth celebrating. Just download the drizzly app or go to drizzly dot com that's DRI dot com to start sipping with purpose. We are stoked to bring back our 22 day dating app reset challenge just in time for cuffing season. How many times have you uninstalled it in install the apps? How do you know if your profile is doing you justice? Are you frustrated by conversations that go nowhere? Or do you sometimes think dating apps are out to get you? Yeah, you're not alone. But online dating doesn't have to be this way. Through our 22 day dating app challenge, you will learn tactics that will help you break through the BS and find incredible partners through the app. We are on a mission to make online dating work for you. And that takes consistency and accountability. Every day for 22 days, you will be given facts, hacks, tips, prompts, and tasks to help you slay online dating. In 22 days, you'll be using the apps like you've never used them before. The stating reset also comes with a comprehensive dating profile review from us. We are about to enter the busiest dating season of the year, so we want to see you thrive during this time. We are offering this for a limited time only from now until the end of October for just a $122, you'll receive this completely self guided 22 day challenge, as well as a comprehensive dating profile review from us. This is an incredible deal because just the dating profile reveal alone is worth a $100. To sign up, just go to finding your person dot com slash apps. Again, that's finding your person dot com slash apps. So one of the things we kind of talked about up front too was with toxic relationships. Like, what is a toxic relationship? Everyone's quick to throw that around. Sometimes you legit are in a very toxic relationship and you've done. All you can and it's still toxic. And then there's other times that we've definitely heard people say this. And it's kind of like they're trying to fit around peg in a square hole. And I think this was my situation was this person's telling you they can't be what you want them to be. Yet you're still trying to do it. And I think that really comes from within of the validation and some of the stuff we were talking about. How do you use this dating sabbatical to kind of separate what is me that I need to kind of hone in on? Like the internal feelings and emotions versus the people I'm picking.
00:55:06 - 01:00:04
How do you differentiate the two and start in a way that you're just not repeating the same patterns over and over? It always starts with you in the sense of, yes, you may have picked a person that attributes that you didn't like, which were toxic, but you still pick the person. No one made you date that person. Yes. It's something in you that was attracted to that person. And I like to give this example I talked a little bit about it earlier, but I want to bring it home. When we talk about the subconscious and the conscious mind, remember the conscious mind is only 10%. So you think you are attracted to that person because he's 6 two and he's attractive and he has a great job. That's the conscious things. But if you haven't done this personal work, you're also attracting and pulling in toxicity negativity that you have been used to. You just don't know it. It doesn't come out until month two month 6, a year from now. To answer your question is, yes, that person had attributes that you didn't like, but it is something in you that attracted that person. And once you change that, your attraction changes. Right. No, yeah. I agree a 100%. So when you take that sabbatical, you have to know that, hey, I attracted this person in my life, and it didn't work in the universe is trying to teach me something trying to show me. And what that lesson is, is that they're work within me that needs to be done, so I no longer attract at people like that. And what you're going to find is that your attraction, the type of people, the type of places you even go changes so you start experiencing a different type of person. That is so key for people to hear because something we tend to hear is there's nobody good out there. Right. They're all the same. They're terrible people out there. And it makes sense if all you're doing is looking for a red car. So we give the red car example alive. You're only looking for red cars. That's all you're going to find. But you can do this dating algorithm reset, symbolically. It does make a huge difference in the people you start seeing and opening your eyes up to. I love that example of data algorithms. We so often will exit our bumble profiles and delete them. So we're at the top. It's like the same idea if you can think about the sabbatical that way. We have to realize that we probably need to learn how to date differently and in order to attract a different type of person, a lot of times you have to, again, go to a different type of environment. For example, a lot of women per se would say, hey, just like you said, all the good guys are taken. There's not a lot of good people, and then I ask them, where do you normally meet people? And they may say, you know, dating sites, they may say, you know when I go out, will you understand the type of person that is in that environment, not to say that there's not any good people on dating site. Not to say there's not any great people who go out. But you're saying you want someone who's responsible, that's about their business, that is able to communicate. Well, listen, I know for a fact that me, the type of person that I am and I've done a lot of work. I come across a lot of men who are like that and they don't want to waste their time dating with no purpose because they are focused and they want to build a family and a legacy. But guess where these type of guys are. I might go to a conference, a business conference. Right. A real estate conference. These are men. These are people who are literally right. They understand they don't know everything. They're doing personal work and personal development. So they're open and they're coachable. They're open to learn new ways and a lot of them have a goal or a plan for themselves and they're looking for somebody to share that with. And these particular people like myself, I don't really go to the clubs. I don't do a lot of these things. So you'll never find a lot of these people in those environments. So again, you have to change what you're attracted to and disconnect from the old environment and start looking for new environments where those people literally live and thrive. I think that is so real. And I think it's just like we are told, oh, you go to bars to meet people, or use the data gaps. However, one of my friends would just like always meet these guys out and about that never wanted to commit, but they would all be like drunk when they met each other and you know the guy that would come up to you at the bar. Like that isn't the person that's like, they're probably doing that to every girl, right? Just to bring the point home when people are like, there's not a lot of men or people like that. I'll give a good example. You all have heard of Tony Robbins, right? Tony Robbins, you know, conference may have 10,000 people who literally are like, I need a breakthrough. I need to become better. I want to change my life. Out of those 10,000 people who already have the baseline understanding of growth. I promise you, I'm not saying that you should go there today, but I'm just giving you an example that there are people literally dedicated to becoming better. Generally, you start from a healthier point in relationship. I am so glad you brought up Tony Robbins 'cause I didn't meet someone at Tony Robbins, but I did meet someone right after going to a Tony Robbins conference. And I really do think that it was like they had a festive there because that was like my attention.
01:00:05 - 01:05:00
The next day on hinge was this message from not my current partner, but the one before. And I guess it leads to the next question, is now that you've done this work, you've done this reflection. How do you start manifesting the person you want to be with? Well, the first thing is you have to put yourself back out there because it's interesting how much fear a lot of people have after they've done this work and they're like, I don't want to mess it up or I don't want to have to go through a situation where I have to do all of this over. So you have to be able to trust yourself, trust your intuition, knowing that you're not the same person that you used to be. So don't bring that past experience in that fear into your future. So you gotta have that confidence and start putting yourself out there and then the first thing I would say is to start putting yourself in environment like we're talking about Tony Robbins, events, you know, things where you feel like these type of people live in exist. And then you just really just start there, but it's going to be a higher level of trust and getting rid of and disconnecting from that fear, the fear of meeting someone who's going to waste your time or you will manifest that if you're stuck in that. So you've got to disconnect from that. Oh man, that's huge. That's so huge to get yourself out of that in a free yourself out of that fear because I think the number one fear for most daters when they're restarting dating again is repeating the same patterns. Yes. Self filling prophecy seeing the same types of people again, but what you're saying is if you believe that's what's out there, that is what you're going to see. Yes. But if you can free yourself of that belief, I think that's just step number one is getting rid of that belief that you will be seeing something a little bit different. I'm having a hard time kind of understanding because we were talking about suffering at the beginning of this interview. Do you think everyone has to go through suffering in order to reach these breakthroughs or want to go through this transformation? So I can't say everyone has to, right? Because I don't have the scientific data to back that up. But I do know scientifically that the majority of people are programmed to not really change until there is some type of suffering because the suffering then opens up your awareness to look for other options or look for more. And most people don't know that something is wrong until they start feeling the pain. For example, when we talk about broken relationships, if that's all they see in their whole life, they think that it's normal until they get into it and they realize that this is so painful that there has to be something else and then they start seeking something different. So to answer your question, I think that the majority of people don't seek other options until their relationship is painful or their situation is failing, but I don't believe that we have to stay there because a lot of entrepreneurs I think are adopting mindset and I'm so happy that a lot of people now are like, hey, I want to go over my dreams and my goals because a lot of people have done a lot of self development work. They realize that there's always avenues for growth. And there's always avenues to become better. So they retrain their brain to look for new solutions, even before problems exist, which is powerful. I'm looking for the solution because I know that this may fail in three years or 5 years or ten years. So when you do that to yourself, you're like, hey, one day I want to be able to speak on stage. I'm not there yet. So let me take some communication classes now. It may be three years later, but I would have already developed. Once we adopt that mindset, we literally can change our lives in humanity. Humanity will start growing at a higher level because no longer will we wait for things to be broken before we change it will be proactive to start making decisions and changing things before hand. I think about it to kind of like addiction, like you don't have to hit bottom. There was always the saying, you have to hit bottom in order to get help. And I think more and more people are saying, you don't have to hit bottom to stop and get sober. You can see the writing on the wall. You don't have to get into a verbal or physical abusive relationship to know something is toxic. Like you can see the signs understand what you really want and get out before it gets that bad. So I think the more times we've education like this, that helps people not have to go to the bottom in order to get up. And thank you all so much for the work that you're doing because it takes platforms like this. It takes a passion of individuals like yourself to start creating this change. For example, you know, 50 years ago, there wasn't such an awareness of working out and being fit and being healthy. So what were people doing? Waiting until they got sick. Right. To make lifestyle changes. But because of all the awareness and social media and all these things, people are realizing like it makes more sense for me to start working out being a healthy eating healthier now, so I don't have to become sick.
01:05:00 - 01:10:02
So if we can do that in relationships and then we can start doing that in community, the world would change. So I'm very, very excited and grateful for the work that you all are doing because you all will be in the history books. You're gonna be like, hey, yes. Change the culture. Save with you. That's why we had you as a guest. This is a really good segue to some takeaways because this conversation has been really eye opening, even for people like us that are talking all the time about this. I learned so many new things. So I think the first one, maybe this isn't a new thing, but it's a recurring theme that sits with us all the time is relationships start with you. The relationship with yourself is the number one relationship in your life and the more you can get clear on that relationship, get clear on ways that you can grow that relationship. That's when you start attracting the relationships that will fulfill your cop and not deplete from it. I think the other big one is accountability. I really believe accountability is the number one. Outside of communication, the number one thing you need in dating and relationships. It's so easy to blame other people. It's so easy to blame our environments. But until we become accountable, we're not going to see any change. And then I think the third takeaway I have is not letting fear get in the way. Because I think that really spoke. I know for anyone that's gone on the self improvement journey, it's really scary to see that all the work was not useful because you're back in the same situation again. But how do we re shift the situation? Maybe we can't control if someone's going to ghost us. That's on them. We can't control it, but we do control how we react and how we let that continue on in our journey. So the more that we can look at the baby steps in growth, opposed to, okay, we need the whole world to be different and everything to be operate completely different than before I went on this journey. I think that's a better approach than expecting everything to change just because you're starting to change. Love that. My major takeaway is taking a deep breath and thinking about how after a toxic relationship or a slew of toxic relationships. People are looking for blame. Is it me? Is it the apps? Is it the people on the apps? Is it the dating culture? And I think we can just chalk it up to it's the system that you were brought up in. That's to blame. And that's not you or other things. It's the system, but you, yourself, you have the control and power to change that system. Yes. You can break free from that system. And I hope that's a main message we can all take away from this. It's stopped trying to find blame and know that you have the power to change what the system that you were brought up in. Also love this idea of growth as preventative care. It's the apple a day keeps the doctor away. If we just adopt a growth mindset and keep growing to a point of getting to the best versions of ourselves, we get ahead of these problems in relationships. That's such a lightbulb moment for me to think about that because we often talk about couples therapy and marriage counseling and people do that after they have issues. Maybe it's deep seated issues that have been present for years if we can get ahead of that and maybe go to a couple's counseling earlier, maybe study up on marriage before you're in a relationship, that is a growth mindset that will prevent you from encountering these problems later on, but also helping you recognize the symptoms of these problems early on so they don't get so bad that they blow up that you need ten therapists for one issue that you've been hounding on for years and years. The very last takeaway is what it sounds like to me is that we all deserve to think about our needs a little bit more. We're often trying to get other people to like us back, meeting their needs, thinking about others that we forget, what is it that I actually need in life in my relationship and I love what you said farrow when you take that time for yourself in your dating sabbatical. Spend what time with yourself and figure out what it is that you actually need. And your rule of thinking about what are the three emotions I want to feel every day, that's a great starting point. Awesome. Well, thank you so much, Farrell, for being on our podcast. It was worth the wait. We were so happy to have you. Could you tell everyone where they can find you if they want to learn more about you? You can find me on Instagram at pharaoh three three three and also on YouTube at feral Kyle. And then TikTok now, I'm on TikTok and it's the same as the Instagram pharaoh three three three. Awesome, I will also link in our show notes too. Fantastic. Thank you all so much. It was a pleasure. It was a lot of fun. You all are great. You're great. I'm expecting a spiritual, yes. I was going to say I've been doing some personal development work, huh? Oh, yeah.
01:10:04 - 01:12:50
Caught us, yeah. Yeah, that's our full-time job. I think that's why your content spoke to us so much, especially you are empowering people to be on this movement of bettering themselves so that they can have better relationships. When your cup is full, you can be there for other people. So we are so on board with that message. And sorry for this, not cute transition, but if you would also like to fill our cup, please give us a rating review in Apple podcasts. It really fills our cup so that we could fill our content cup for you. Sorry that wasn't that graceful, but I had to insert that message somewhere. But again, back to this warm fuzzy feeling of. Thank you for sharing that message with the world because we are your biggest supporters in that message. Thank you. Thank you. It was a pleasure. On that note, we're going to wrap this up. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media, slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcasts. Tag us in any posts with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those pose. Ben head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. Yeah, I was a heavy drinker, but I didn't recognize what the people closest to me recognized. I ended up laying flatlined on a hospital operating table somehow the surgeons brought me back to life. When your life depends on it, there's only one place you can turn, Karen, a recent independent study showed that 94% of Karen patients were still in recovery 90 days post treatment, visit CA RON dot org slash real, Karen, real results, real care, real about recovery. Next time someone needs to send you money, tell them to use Zelle. With Zelle, the money goes straight into your bank account, and it typically only takes minutes between enrolled users. And even if the senator uses a different U.S. bank, it still works. Plus, zeal is already in over 1600 banking apps, so you probably won't have to download another one. By the way, make sure the sender has your correct U.S. mobile number or email address. So the money goes to the right place. Look for zell and your banking app today.