Shirley spills about a sexual text message she received from a guy she met online. This leads to a discussion around being upfront with intentions. And of course, does it matter when you sleep together?
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The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons progress. The fun part is things happen. I san francisco the tech epicenter and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant episodes for you. Enjoy the show. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches meet like minded people who share your interests over brunch. Everyone welcome to another episode of debatable. I show that opens up a candid. Conversation about eighteen seem cisco and right beside me today folks. We have the wonderful talented and amazing new. A an right beside me. We have the bearded man now says who also equally as amazing talented on each episode we dissect a dating story so the stating story could come from a guest that comes in or a one of us hesitating story or maybe our producer. Julie i believe we have a story from someone today. Don't we yeah. We have a guest on her name's shirley surely surely there. Hey how's it going Awo surely what's your story okay. So this actually happened a few years ago and it's not all that surprising now is the sad part but i'll i'll tell you let you guys tell me what you think. But few years ago. I decided to join match dot com. So it's kinda just sick of like the typical dating wants to meet some new quality men so the problem was i wasn't having the best of luck on match but then one day this guy messaged me and i felt like i hit the jackpot like he had like a really great job. In like technology went to an ivy league school. Like the whole package. Super excited we message back and forth His profile so that was really trying to get to know someone have like deep in meaningful relationships So i felt like finally met that relationship minded guy so yeah And then finally he gave me his personal email and phone number so the next day i got a message from him in my match account just asking if i want to meet for a drink that night so i messaged him and i was like actually. I can't do tonight. But i would totally be down to like meet for a drink another day so i get this message back like ten minutes later. He's like actually saved these tax messages against text message from him. That's actually going to be in miami next week. If you free up tonight maybe we could hook up your drinking and get in the mood drink you so i mean i thought it was a little odd but i also tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I was a little naive back. Then so i texted him back and i was like sounds good if not like. Let's get back have a great trip. I text message back from him. And it says okay nice. I liked your picture and you seem like a nice person. Glad you weren't offended by what i just said if you do get in the mood tonight. I'm sure i could do my best to make you feel good. You were hot though. I was like okay. This guys definitely persisted. I definitely interpreted did the earlier. Ones as sexual even as to like pretend they weren't if there was room for debate i got another text from him and i just wanted to actually reiterate before events. This is how ten. Am like on a saturday this early in the morning. I haven't even had a coffee at like. I'm like waiting up. So i text message from him. Says you seem like the type of girl. I wouldn't mind going down on. Do you like that sort of thing. You know you know what he mets anyway. So i was like. Is this really happening with my engaging. In upon way sexting and i just wanna clarify. Do you have any vagina photos on your aspro. I was like they're looking for like legit relationship. It's matched to like tinder may be but yet now sort of waking base you did Wakened sexed yeah pretty much. So i mean like i'm not a prude. Person like obama relationship. I like the sexy banner. But like and it's like a lisa a drink and let's save it for like ten pm not ten.
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Am i am bringing the story up to. It's like this match and this was a few years ago now on tinder. It's like because the screen men feel like they can just say anything. I guess like what a man actually say the stuff to a woman in real life. Michael i think that yes that does happen in real life but it's usually at two. Am were people were men are looking to do one of the two us either or fuck right so at two am but I don't think generally at ten. Am in the morning after yoga session. Would they say that type of stuff. Well you know okay so. I wanna play devil's advocate to this. I'm like the guy. At least he's honest right. He's like setting his intentions. He's telling you what he's asked her. Which is your j. I feel like five better than a bait and switch. That's what i think that's true because you got like a like you'll have the people that will wine and dine you. And that's really what they're looking for exactly like what's what's the point of going through all that hoopla when all he wants to sleep with you where he can just cut straight to the chase. So you're not like taken aback by it or surprised by it when he asked for it but i feel like match dot com is like the one that's known for like people that are more serious relationships like paying for the service little more highbrow say surely he probably has profiles up on everything. Like i feel like this guy is a numbers guy. He's playing the numbers game. He's got something up on match something. Onto earth hinge. She's probably some gossiping on ten dogs feeling the funnel as best as he can and i have to agree with you. I think that the fortunate or unfortunate thing is that he's being upfront at the beginning and you know people can say no riot people then have the option of saying now and then if there is someone that happens to be in the same boat you know for the for the wakened sexist then they can actually say yes and so he's at least allowing for that option to happen at the beginning it may it may be a little bracelet in some ways but it does kind of get to his truth of what he wants. It's a filtering system really by various. There's like one woman that said yes then like it gives men this hope that it can be this simple. And that's all they need is to walk and you know those messages. I'm here this. Mike guy friends all the time. They'll do like copy and paste messages on how you're getting. Probably another girls are getting at the same time i think the takeaway here a couple of things one is sent setting intentions from the beginning is not a bad thing and also. How do you respond to something like that. As a woman right and i think that's the question you're asking. I think it's perfectly normal and honest to be like great for you. That's what you're looking for. That's not what i'm looking for so we can end this conversation now because we're obviously not on the same page. There's nothing wrong with this. You know everybody's like after different things so if you're not after the same thing you should just tell each other oppressed and i said to him too. I was like well. I don't think we're on the same page so best to block away. Never actually exactly in for everyone out there. I hope that you know one thing that truly did it. Sound like was. She didn't take it personally right. She didn't take this personally. This was just someone who is our specific goal and it had nothing to do with the actual other person so i did have a few other memorable quotes if you guys want to hear them. They're not from the same guy. There randoms on tinder. There might top fought. Give us top three. Okay so number one. Would you like me to give you five orgasms tonight. Maybe actually just so we have. I just kind of a real really long term relationship and i'm just looking to have sex question mark honest for honesty on that one and there is a little bit of like an emotional poll. I just got blocking up. I was with someone. I mean pain right like a little puppy syndrome. Yeah someone has a hero complex which a lot of people do. Hey there's your broken victim there yeah then. This is the best one. You are beautiful. I'd love to your box for seven to nine hours than no response. Followed up with honey question mark. I mean two things really stand out from that quote. One is who refers to china as a box anymore. Maybe i don't know. I've never actually got someone i i did not me personally. I had friends. Doing anything was. But i knew people that did refers box back in the word box but not in the last like adult life. I would say something. i'm taking away from. This is the diversities of ways that people can say down to to the emotional motions ladder.
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Here's totally love. Giving her options of seventy nine hours nine hours. I think you might. I bet he'd probably has when he comes in. He has a pizza box ready for human race here and they're not leaving he. Has you know sweat rag and all that stuff to just keep going keep hydrated waters really important for hydration for both teams is necessary for any the question. How many people did he send that tax to Perhaps seven to nine a day. So i'm gonna move away from this because we have a few takeaways. We've already talked about them. Talk about the question of the day which comes from our friends our our listeners and the question that a lot of people ask is should you have sex with someone on the first date That's a great question and math You wanna have sex to someone on friday. May i answer okay. I'm going to just take liberties here. I think all the pets right and that's an answer. No one really enjoys but it's the truth. Some people are just very physical beings right. They enjoy of the body. There's nothing wrong with that. And i think as long as both parties are upfront about it then yes now if one person is the president. Isn't i think the one person can talk about as an option. Young prison says now the end simple. That's it so. I think it really depends on yourself. If you love your body you like exploring you with another person and you just feel so attracted to this other person. I have fun and be safe. I'm conflicted on one hand. I want to feel the sexual. Empowerment dislike women sexual empowerment. You should be able to sleep with whoever you want. There's that book The ethical slut as long as they gripe was at the only thing is. I don't know about anybody else but after is sleep with someone on a first date. I don't feel so good about myself. I feel great in the moment but the morning actor. I never feel great about myself and honestly i time sex. It's never that good. Isn't that right. It's always awkward. Timings weird and you're getting to know each other's bodies so. I personally think i agree. It depends on who you are. You should know yourself that comes from that self awareness but personally for me. I always like to just get to know the person better to form some sort of emotional connection before i can really strip down in a dardai. Your that but christina aguilera. That's surely what do you think i come. I feel the same way as you guys. I'm i personally don't think it's like maker break for relationship to start. I've actually a lot of friends that have gotten married people. They've slept with on the first date. It's not always the people that do this all the time either I think a lot of it comes down to chemistry with that person. And i think a lot of it comes down to how you handle it yourself too like you said if you're the type of person that isn't gonna feel good about it absolutely shouldn't if you're the type of person that's like okay. Did this if it becomes relationship. Awesome if it doesn't then whatever then that's one thing to and i guess also depends what you're looking for c. I so here's the solution. By the way all you gotta do is have sex like seven times in the first day so that you get used to each other right. That mental ninety seven to nine times each other in between gore's at ten. Am afterwards what something sex does do that it Ah catapults relationship into either flourishing or diminishing right so i actually think sometimes sexes inefficient way to measure of your fit preach other or maybe just bang get that out of the way. I totally agree i had situations with both were. We had sex. And i was ready to just not see the person again We didn't really connect with an. I've had sex with someone and i wanted to have breakfast with him and talk with him and spend time with him. And then you know. Set up for the next time for us to hang out. And i've gotten to know many people that wearing that's actually enjoy. Sometimes the physical experience can lead. June understanding of the connection on jim war for sharon absolutely. So here's a question for you michael because women Always talk about feeling this vulnerability as sex. Do men feel that way or another. I guess you can't speak for all men. But i can't speak for. How do you feel after aftershocks will after sex of the new parker do i feel vulnerable on not so much but i think that sometimes i feel my partners vulnerable so i want to kind of be there.
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If if it's someone that i enjoy the connection with and feel that they're feeling vulnerable afterwards. I want to try to take care of them and make sure that they're filling in the space even if they even if it's not someone i fully can act to you. I want to take care of that person. But especially if it's on i felt connected to i just want to show them that there's more than just the body kind kinda just laugh with them afterwards in have made some jokes and feel comfortable and do some of the weird funny stuff like blowing people's stomachs mixing. It's so fine so we are is exactly exactly. You're one of those. Earning sound screens all depends on who you're with right if you like that person anything they do as q. If you don't like that person anything they do as creepy liked you and all my stomach gesture ever. But if i didn't like you be like what the fuck are weird button out. How girls talk about that vulnerability not just after sex but after the man leaves sometimes lies. Don't stay long enough in. I don't know if that's such such thing as staying long enough at. I have a couple of series. One is if a lot of guys if they're leaving in the middle of the night that means that they were just focus on one thing right they just wanted to have sex But i do know if you guys that left early. Because they didn't know what else to do they actually like the person but literally did not know what else to do. You had sex and you feel very connected with this person. You don't know what to say you don't know how to react. You don't know how to actually respond next in the situation. You don't know what are the next steps so a lot of guys. Kind of free job leap. You also don't want overstay your welcome either right ways so you're saying if a guy really liked a girl you may feel that pressure to she we've languages too much pressure to do something or take it to the next level. Absolutely really leave. Yes because he doesn't know what to do. Some what a lot of men have learned to do is if they don't know what to do throughout the fuck out don right. They don't know what to do so just leave. I mean kind of attention but we've grown up in a society where men aren't allowed to show their emotions in certain parts. Right not absolutes by any means but there's definitely a Of don't cry right on fresh emotions. Go run it off right so they just ran it off. Then they're done right. So what do believe a glad that you're bringing this up into a localized perspective. Because i've read about this tribe in like southeast asia where the women have all the sexual power so what they do is they go to a social event if they see a man that they wanna have sex with him on the shoulder and he would come over to her place in the middle of the night and he would have to leave before sunrise and he can't use the front door surveyed definitely have a back door as or a window or game chimney southeast asia. I read about this. And it's just the women have all the sexual power. i think. A lotta guys love to know that is making their flights now. Is there such a thing as walk of shame for men or is it. Like walk of fame actually did the walk of shame the other day. Yeah that that could be another story but It it outwardly feels like a walking shame but internally it feels like a walker prior to for sure okay. I figure so. This is not like yesterday's makeup. You're not wearing tight dress. You're the night now. You probably same as you do every day. There's no external differences just a little more satisfied about life. Oh my gosh. For seventy nine hour seven nine hours well hydrated all right. We're gonna wrap this up now. Don't forget to submit your stories. Remember we can always keep unanimous. You don't have to give your real name. We can destroy your boys. You can change all the names and your stories so we want to create a safe environmental people their stories. We will protect the innocent at all times and also stay. Dateable the dateable podcasts. Recorded in san francisco we would like to thank our sponsor five hundred branches for making this happen to connect with us visit date. Able podcast dot com.