Sasha talks about getting stood up for a date and how she benefited from this later. This brings us to the discussion around flakiness and being honest in dating. We also talk about standing up for yourself and asking for what you deserve.
S1E4 The 600 Dinner
00:00:00 - 00:05:01
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons progress. The fun part is things happen. I san francisco the tech epicenter and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant episodes for you. Enjoy the show. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches meet like minded people who share your interests over brunch. Everyone welcome to another episode of dateable. A- show that opens a candid conversation about dating in san francisco and the male voice. You just heard comes from. Michael vargas ended emails. Voice that you heard comes from. Ua and on each episode we dissect a dating story today. We have a dating story from our friend. Sasha sasha's aisha it's sasha fierce we have beyond say on the phone sasha. Can you tell us your story so okay. So let's start with almost two years ago. I came to san francisco. And i really didn't know anyone and i decided that i wanted to use online dating because i wanted to date people i wanted to meet. New people started talking to this guy on tinder and he told me we basically set up a time to meet and we said that we were gonna go rock climbing and so i was super excited. I was like oh. I'm you know i haven't been rock climbing in a long time and yeah so i was like okay here i go. It took me like two hours to get there. Because i got lost. Because i'm like horrible directions anyway so it took me a. It should take me like forty five minutes. But i ended up getting on the wrong buzz like going too far in one direction. And you know this is when i first came to san francisco so i really didn't know my way around And so. I got there. And i didn't see him. They're all of a sudden they get a text from him and he's like. Hey i m so sorry. But i'm not going to be able to make it j- at he made this like some excuse about like so his friend with burning man with burning man in the city because this was like right before burning man in august and so he basically just like totally dish. Man who was just like. I'm so sorry. I have to do something with my friend. I was really pissed off. Basically i went off on text with him. I just went off on him. I was like listen like this is so not acceptable like it took me like two hours to get here and associated for it and he was just like oh my god. You must think. I'm so flaky. I'm so sorry and he was. I was actually surprised. At how much was like how much he was carrying about it given that he's never met me before i was like you're gonna take me to a nice restaurant. One three yearly com sasha fears. I flaking dude. You can't ditch me. And then how date be some like chipotle layers of then you know like oh clock to poland and i was like listen i. I'm willing to give you a second chance that you need to take me to a nice restaurant. And so he's like okay and eventually like a couple of days later. He sends me like a reservation for that next weekend. It's this like really fancied new american restaurants. It was one of those restaurants where the chef is like so famous that gets named after the chef and not funny to kinda like play a little trick on him never met him before. But this is just like something i do. I call the restaurant. And i'm like hey like it's going to be his birthday. It was not his birthday. I was just like oh it's going to be birthday and you really nice.
00:05:01 - 00:10:09
If we could have a surprise service they then he picks me up. Oh he picks you up in a car in a new wbur In his car. Rahmen has i know in san francisco. I was just like them. Okay maybe the that half bad anyway he. He picks up his car. And i kind of just like immediately. Get a vibe off. So we go to the restaurant. We got there and these sits down and they take the menus and the menus are like happy birthday michael. They say happy birthday on now and he's just like a what's going on and knows like well you know like just go with it. You know whatever the waitress comes over like by this point like he's ordered like super nice glass of wine And like it's like ten course meal. It was just like a ridiculous place. Okay like i've never been on it. I like this before. Oh this was before we got the wind like. Hey can i do see your id. And so i was like in my head. I was like freaking out. Sounds like she's gonna see that it's not his birthday and she was like. Oh looks like you're celebrating your birthday a little early us something ridiculous like i basically. I just made him feel really awkward. But on the inside i was just like laughing really hard. This is this is funny. It was kind of like many revenge for me. Did he pay he pay for the meal. It was like it's like a six hundred dollar meal now like this is not a joke. Okay i can't afford that. I'm not trying to do that on a first date with someone i've never met before. Like i was shocked that he was so willing to like. Take me to such a nice please. Not even knowing me. How did the state end I mean i definitely tried my best. You give him a good time. You know and i thought he was under the table. I don't like that. I just tried to be like a good dinner guest in a good date but i you know i wasn't gonna pretend like i chemistry with him when i didn't. He drove me home afterwards. He went for the kiss. But i give him a kiss on the cheek turn. That is the most expensive kiss on the cheek. It kind of it's interesting. I almost feel like I owed him. Which i know is wrong. I know that's not the correct way to feel. He decided to spend that money on me. I didn't do anything wrong. Did you Did he you again or did you see him again. Yes so I didn't see him again. Actually so okay so there. There are three things i want to talk about your story. The first one is calling someone out after they flake on you. And that's exactly. What was the first thing i wanted to talk about. Because how successful was this one where you call someone out being flaked than you get you know you get frigging cheesecake. That's worth one hundred dollars. Plus all the other any you don't even have to give them a hand job. That's a rate exchange than even picked you up and he. He went to nine after that. I really think that a lot of people. Well first of all a lot of people san francisco or flaky. Yes yes so. People flake out on dates last minute. People don't show up they go some people. I'm so proud of you for calling him out in the first place. People don't do that right. Yeah i was. Thanks guys. But i would also say the same goes for men. I think it's really hot when a guy can call me out on something. I'm doing that's disrespectful. Or that's not cool. Because i think we just need to. That's how we learn and grow as people sometimes when you do stuff like that. You're not a cognizant of it so it's better if someone someone else tells you so you're more aware of it right so you think i'm going to bring up your story this feeling of guilt after someone pays for your meal. Yeah right so i think a lot of people feel this way. If you go on a date with someone maybe you don't really see chemistry with them. But they pay for your meal so you feel like you're obligated to go on a second day or to spend more time with your totally so do guys guys pay for meals. Do you expect something more. You know what's funny. It's actually kind of there's a before part where it's like. Oh this person spending time with me so out of their busy day out of their busy schedule and i wanna be someone who provides the values so that it kind of leads us to be like. Oh i should pay for the meal. So it's more about like at least for me and what i've heard from any of my the guy people that i've talked to the guy people guys species like a while this versus actually spending time with me.
00:10:10 - 00:15:08
They're coming out to meet with me. So i feel like i should. I should pay for dinner. I just hate it when dating becomes so transaction. I really feel. I am used like spending time with someone you should want to pay for their meal. I'm very old fashioned. In the sense that i think the guy should pay for for i eight but i mean other women would feel differently. They'll go fifty fifty. It doesn't even matter. I just feel like don't make us so transactional and you should never feel guilty for someone else paying for your meal right and it's again like the first date right. The first state. There shouldn't really be crazy expectations because you have no idea how things are going to turn out rate. That's true. I totally agree with you. Like i think that it's all about the first date right so i think it's the guy's job to woo the girl on the first date. That doesn't mean he has to pay for every meal thereafter just birthday. You know 'cause it's an that's a great feeling. I think that i don't have this guilt. i think that it was just because he was such an extreme circumstance. But also you didn't pick the restaurant right. I think that's a big thing that said we're going to go to this restaurant. So since he picked it. I mean you did ask for something nice but like that's over the top now we're the top of that's extremely on the end of extreme nicety. And so since he picked it that's gonna be on him. The third point. I want to bring up about your story is that how do you wrap up a relationship in a way that you want to be honest with your feelings and you wanna tell them that you no longer want to see them because you don't see a future with them. I think what we see in the dating culture today especially with online dating people. Just kind of ghost or disappear without wrapping it up like you know what i think. You're a great person. But i just don't see anything going farther. No nice bow at the end. Yeah so why. Don't we do that more. Because if i were him i would like to know. You know that you're not interested anymore. I don't keep chasing. You look like a fool if i keep chasing you. You know. I i think in the end. It's all about just telling it like it is because you don't want to lead someone on and i think it's like karma is a bitch right so if you disrespect someone or their time someone's going to end up doing the same thing to you and i always like to say this quote were all each other's consequences so if you can wrap it up with him he couldn't have done that to someone else. It's a relief. When you actually tell the truth it's a little scary at first but right after you do it. You're like okay. you know now. Now he knows what's going on now. Everyone is on the same page. We can move on and i find that so many people they play that game of just going back and forth back and forth even even when they don't actually have the attention to you know have a real relationship with this person well because nobody really wants to close the door specially in any everybody wants to leave it cracked open just a little bit just in case for those lonely nights after you've come back from aspirin you're like hey he slowly can open up their comeback in sasha snow that we've talked about this love to hear worse than your takeaways now that we got different perspective and some outside perspectives. I'm not gonna stop being fussy. Because i've always found that to be a huge advantage especially as a woman in the dating scene And i got something really awesome out of it right like i was just like you're you're gonna treat me the way deserve to be treated and then i got treated really awesomely right. So it's it's all about asking for what you deserve and not being scared to do that. That's great and take away that i'm taking away from this as yes. Take away that. I take away very i liked to love. A life is to be honest as soon as possible and to let people know what's going on because it just so to know what's happening so that people can make choices and live their life the way that they might take away as everybody could use a little bit of feedback so it never hurts to give someone honest feedback Sasha you're now professional matchmaker. We want to hear more about this. Did this story have anything to do with you wanting to become a matchmaker. Oh yeah for. Sure i mean basically all of my dating up until now has has contributed to my desire to matchmaker.
00:15:08 - 00:19:44
I find that you know having an outside perspective is always especially with somebody who knows the dating scene in san francisco. Super well is so valuable and You know like you were saying before feedback is so important and feedback is really hard to get on a date and as a matchmaker you know you have a really unique opportunity to give people access to feedback which you know you. Don't go up to someone after a day and you're not like so how'd i do. Here's a little warm for you. To fill out ellis a little bit about your business and your website. I just launched my website. It's okay sasha dot com. I help people navigate the dating scene in san francisco. I do like matching assessment where we find out love language is there love languages must have steel breakers learn about their life and then i help them with their online dating presents do kind of like a profile makeover and i go basically what i do is i go around being a chick magnet so basically view every day of my life just looking for awesome women if as your website. More time it's okay. Sasha s afc ha dot com super and. We have a question of the day. This question comes from ron burgundy in san diego and his question is actually a great one and it goes. How do i lean in for the first kiss basically asking how is it that i can know that i can have that. Or what can i do to know. That person's ready for this i kiss. Gosh i feel like when the moment is right. There's always a pause or silence and right before it gets awkward. You just go in for the kiss current. Yes oh this is actually a question. I've got from clients It's kind of like just basically just trying to gauge. How the girl feels right like you wanna see if it's appropriate to give a kiss. And so what i tell. People is to start off with micro advances. So what that means is you know maybe put your put your hand on the small of her back while you guys are walking. See how she responds. Put your arm around her. you know. Try to put your arm around her. When you're sitting down just these things and see if she gets closer to you or see if she smiles you know just see if it's a positive response and if it is then you'll have even more confidence to go with that kiss towards the end. Yeah i agree with you. Doing those micro movements of just first off seeing how the person who's responding to the to your body language right is the Person moving towards or away very simple ways that you can test that out like you said that the touch back the arm around the shoulder whatever it looks like And then i think another thing that helps out for guys is don't just like i think that you should just charge in like smash your face against their face. I think you should do. Is i think will smith put it very well in hatcheries as ninety percent the way because it allows her to actually make the conscious choice of am. I going to move forward or not. And i think giving them that that little bit of a space where you're putting a lot of energy towards it but still allowing her to be part of the choice at the end of the day Help no that should be. I kiss or not. I love that. I'm gonna push my own agenda right here A lot of people nowadays going for a first kiss after a few drinks. So it's always when they're a little bit liquor up and that makes it easier. Yes but the best way to gauge chemistry is to do a sober. i kiss. it's much harder to do. It takes a lot more effort. And thought. i'm a huge proponent. For hashtag sober i kiss hashtag. Consumer i kiss indeed right okay. We're going to wrap this up. Don't forget to submit your dating stories and remember you can always be anonymous. We can change your name. We can change story whatever you need to protect your identity. Checkout dateable dot com and more folks stay dateable. Well thanks. sasha guys. The dateable podcast is recorded in san francisco. We like to think our sponsor five hundred branches for making this happen to connect with us visit date. Able podcast dot com.